>Father goes to prison recently.
>Mother ran away from this family when I was 8 years old.
>Grandparents can't hold me and my little sister nowadays anymore.
>My little sister is a juvenile delinquents.
How can I cope this fuarrrking situation?
Thankfully, I got a job -- became a wageslave -- which works at a factory of a small-medium-sized enterprise.
The wage is kinda small. But I can hold me and my Grandparents who raise me before they lose the ability which can keep/hold my and their lives. So I must do this work for my Grandparents even though it's fuarrrking soykaf and hard.
But I feel shame myself when I feel anger to them. Because their acts are going to be worse and worse because of Alzheimer and Parkinsonism. I know their disease become worse and how they will threat me even it's unconscious and impossible to control.
I can't see the future. I don't have money. I'm fuarrrking ugly.
I'm still weak. I don't have good talent and prowess for... for what?
I've been thought about committing suicide. But there's a precondition; the lack of Grandparents.
Yeah. I'm fuarrrking waiting the time when I am left in this world alone.
I'm really sorry about my Grandparents and my parents.
I'm pretty sure they'd drawn a roadmap which contains the plans how raise me and teach about things for essential things and things for future of me. Also I can guess they have hopes and happiness of their future life. But how about now? They'd been separated and I'm left alone -- thankfully I don't need to become an orphan because of my grandparents. But how will my future be if I became an orphan?
My father can do his business more and more if I didn't birth and he use money for his business instead of using for raising me.
Yeah, he failed his fuarrrking business almost 4 times. But I know he can success his fuarrrking business if he tried one more -- more and more -- with money what he can use if I didn't birth though.
My grandparents always blame me. This isn't related with "They were raising me." Yes. They were raising me. But I didn't tell you "They were raising me great." They always blame me while they blame their son -- father -- and their son's wife -- my mother. They don't beat me anymore because they are getting older. They don't have power like past.
I was always beaten by them. Also I sometimes kicked out from home if they things I did some "rude" stuff for them like sass. They rarely praised me when I got great grade from school. But I know my brain is fuarrrking bad. Furthermore they always scold me "You are fuarrrking retard. You should keep that in mind." I know I'm fuarrrking retard already. But That's the case what make my self-confidence and self-respect low. That makes a speech habit, I don't show conviction to others, and most of my speech is ended with doubt sense.
My little brother doesn't come to home. I rarely face him outside, he always play, walk around with violent mood. and it's not just mood.
My mother really like playing with others outside if my memory is correct.
My father did rock band, car racer etc. and recently do automotive mechanic.
Me? Reading fuarrrking books about Psychology, Psychopathology, Philosophy, Poems and Classics at home and libraries.
I'm the fuarrrking mutant? I'm the only one who doesn't prefer to play/communicate with people. And that's the one of many subjects how my family blame.
>Hey. Be independent. Get your house/room and live your life.
Sadly, my country's house/room's value is fuarrrking high.
if I can get one, most of my money through I payed from factory will be faded by house/room's monthly rent.
I didn't go to uni. I won't, I can't
I don't have good brain for studying.
I don't have enough money to pay educational expenses.
But must do I work in factory in the future? That's the last way to live and hold my life? I can't think other things except committing suicide after my grandparents are passed at the future.