/vent/ #32

Let it all out. Previous: >>56164

why is it such a fuarrrking pain in the ass to find people to talk to? i just want a small group of people to bounce ideas off of, play some video games every once in a while, talk about stuff that isn't fuarrrking the flavor of the month bullshit (i dont not give a single fuarrrk about INSERT_BIG_THING). i dont want to talk about social media soykaf, drama soykaf, any of this fuarrrking crap. everyone is the same fuarrrking cookie cutter narcissistic bastard these days. where are the unique individuals? people doing random obscure soykaf that is interesting, not being glued to a fuarrrking phone 24/7. even the more obscure circles have now been flooded by literally clueless morons who spew their ignorance, the blind leading the blind.

>>58677 probable hypothesis, you're annoying and self-centered. Wanting to find people like yourself to ego-insider trade isn't going to cure you of your own loneliness. Learn how to be reciprocal to others having their needs and wants met.

>>58677 Join IRC: >>>/sec/14111 https://www.lainchan.org/irc.html

>>58685 Not him, but I have the same issue and I hate this idea that everything is your fault. What, if maybe, I really don't give a soykaf about the latest anime show or Marvel schlok? I won't watch it and pretend to care, as I don't care. It feels childish to me. It feels like caring about what whatever happened in the last sitcom my mother watches or something. I don't give any flying fuarrrk. And I hate this idea that it's some empathy issue. It's never that as most people in my experience aren't empathethic. They pretend they are, but most people are more cruel than your average sociopath if someone pushes their buttons the right way. They will pretend to care and nice if it suits them, and they borderline would be burning people alive if it didn't. Most people are spineless and pathethic and this isn't me saying as some sort of cope or denial. This is my experience. I've been on both sides, and seen people switch their behavior 180 degrees for the most trivial bullshit.

>>58688 There are 8 billion people on the world, you think all of them just watch anime and Marvel? And even if they do maybe they do some quantum math on the other side of their interest? Also, people aren't their hobbies or interests, they're much more complex and intricate than that. Treating them as a personal hobby-fuarrrk buddy is kind of degrading. Friends are a social safety net, you help them they help you, you enjoying each other company through mutual interest is a bonus. I would take morally right person on a completely different aisle of my interest than morally corrupt person who shares my interests.

>>58689 >There are 8 billion people on the world As I am not Asian, the greatest chunk of that already is an place I'll never meet. Going actually just from the distance of 5 hours away from me, I'm left with like under 10 million people I think. For all I care, these people might be fictional. Not in the sense I don't care about them or wish them ill, just that we'll never know of each other existence in any meaningful way. >Friends are a social safety net, you help them they help you, I somehow don't see how seeing others as hobby fuarrrk buddy is bad, but seeing them in hopes of them being failsaves in case of fuarrrkup as not, but alright. But yeah, what I am looking for other people is some kind of drive. Some interesting character behind it all. Not a person who is content with their live, and who would be content with their live no matter what. Of course maybe that's my issue. As I feel anyone who would be above me in some way shouldn't waste time with me, and anyone below me shouldn't be bothered by me. It's not really that I am some demigod or have superiority complex, even though it might seem like that. I really don't think highly of me, I just set high expectations on myself. But it's just my belief in me that one should always strive to be better in some way and has to earn his place. Something which I have to admit I haven't done.

>>58691 >Not a person who is content with their live I argued with myself for a long time about this one. Seems to me that people who are "surviving" are letting themselves be trampled over every line they set for others to cross on them. The question here is "what are you willing to die for?", if the answer is nothing then you're surviving instead of living to the fullest. Find people like yourself that are willing to die for a cause, willing to give your life to higher idea. That is my suggestion. In other terms, I would rather die for something in my mid 20s than to live to 80s and see all my ideals be trampled over because I was too much of a pussy to fight for them. I guess that is what most young men need. A cause to die for, at least symbolically. >Something which I have to admit I haven't done What is stopping you? You can collaborate with people around the world with same cause and ideals as you wish to, that's what 8 billions alluded to. Internet allows us for that, in some regards. Kill yourself in metaphorical sense of that word. Die for your cause, you will shine like a guiding star for everyone with similar vision. I can sense you have it in you.

>>58689 >There are 8 billion people on the world, you think all of them just watch anime and Marvel? And even if they do maybe they do some quantum math on the other side of their interest? >quantum math: takes 1000s of hours of active study to even understand, let alone get good at >anime, marvel, etc: shallow, passive, 30 minute barrier to entry, easy, no risks and no rewards anon your completely missing the point. there are miles of difference between active and difficult hobbies versus passive consumption easy hobbies.I dont dislike easy passive hobbies, I have some myself. its the people that are ONLY these shallow things that i dont even want to talk to, and that makes up probably 98% of people. difficult things that go against the grain are interesting and unique, those are the things that build character. youll probably take offense to this anon, and im sorry for that, but if you cant understand my pain, then you might be one of those shallow people. its painful meeting someone only to find out they have no depth to them at all and are only interested in talking about INSERT_POPULAR_THING. why should I be force to listen to it?

I read the entire Supreme Court opinion draft overturning Roe v Wade. I found the arguments uncompelling and at times downright asinine. I do not have faith in these justices. Despite the section claiming they're not folding to political pressure, it seems clear from the entirety of the opinion that they are. This does not bode well for America's civil liberties.

>use wine for first time in half a year >aware that many excellent improvements have been made in last three years allowing some particularly useful programs to finally work >the gui disappeared from one >cmd isn't even running properly One Day Later >check `wine --version` 5.0.3 See this is the one thing I don't like about Mint and similar, they give the ''illusion'' of an up-to-date app store but unless you flatpak or manually add repos, it's out of date. I don't even want bleeding edge, I just want most recent stable. Is Fedora better at this?

>>58704 How many other SC opinions have you read? There are many with plainly ridiculous logic. Ironically Roe v Wade itself was one of them. >The Constitution does not explicitly mention any right of privacy. In a line of decisions, however ... the Court has recognized that a right of personal privacy, or a guarantee of certain areas or zones of privacy, does exist under the Constitution. >This right of privacy, whether it be founded in the Fourteenth Amendment's concept of personal liberty and restrictions upon state action, as we feel it is, or, as the District Court determined, in the Ninth Amendment's reservation of rights to the people, is broad enough to encompass a woman's decision whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. The role of the supreme court is to strike down laws that violate the text of the constitution. There is nothing in the constitution that directly guarantees the right to abortions. There is nothing in the constitution that directly guarantees the right to privacy. There is also no sensible reason that a right to privacy is necessarily violated by prohibiting abortions. But in this ruling, they handwave a variety of amendments and past rulings as implying a vague, general right to privacy, and then make a further bizarre leap of logic to say that this right to privacy means that the constitution prohibits laws against abortion. To be clear I think they did the right thing morally. It is an egregious oversight that there is nothing in there guaranteeing stuff like bodily autonomy, and straying from the rule of law to correct problems like that is an acceptable sacrifice. But they definitely were not correctly interpreting the constitution, and rather were inventing phantom amendments by pretending to see things that obviously are not there.

>>58689 Most sensible poster in here. Stop whining you babies. You're all going to die alone if you don't keep your ego in check. You're special you're actually just socially retarded.

>>58706 ehh, my frustration with roe versus wade was always re right to privacy: if it exists, and sure it seems like you can read a lot into the 10th ammendment, it was clearly deliberately written that way so right to privacy could exist, then it should apply to waaaaaaay more things than contraceptives and abortion. I am sure visitors to this chan could think of more than a few relating to cybersecurity stuff, is it legal for the gov to use phone tracking in criminal investigations ? stuff like that. It seemingly doesn't apply to those things, but if the right to privacy existed, it would. And further it seemingly applies to cases where abortions certainly aren't private. For some reason the constitional right to privacy defends people publicly advertising their pregnancy, going to clinics that publicly advertise abortions, and then publicly confessing to having had an abortion. It makes no sense at all, and never has. Roe v wade was always dumb. Even if you want people to have abortions you can see that. I'm sure some other justification could be made up, or some middleground that just makes it difficult to prosecute and investigate, but thats not what we have currently. Havent read the leaked draft, I don't really care; drafts are drafts, its meaningless at present and I'm not going to go assasinate any judges because of what they appear to support or oppose.

>>57487 In case anyone wanted to know, I got a lot of testing done. CJD and ALS were ruled out, brain cancer is highly unlikely but can't be definitively ruled out without a biopsy (which is too dangerous for the spot where the lesions are). It's not multiple sclerosis yet, but is probably something called clinically isolated syndrome, which will eventually develop into multiple sclerosis.

>>58709 not that that sounds good but, sounds kinda good ? Hope you're doing as well as can be expected and better than that.

>>58705 >See this is the one thing I don't like about Mint and similar, they give the ''illusion'' of an up-to-date app store but unless you flatpak or manually add repos, it's out of date. thats literally the point and the whole benefit of mint and stable release, your supposed to update the 1 or 2 programs you need to be more recent and keep the rest as is. >Is Fedora better at this? fedora is more up to date, but youll have to update to a new version every year. youll also have to add more repos for some packages, pretty much in the same boat as debian-based distros >wine if you use steam, it will download up to date proton versions for you when you play a game. also consider just sticking with windows for gaming, linux gaming is very overrated and many games embed extreme amounts of spyware (anti-cheat often has kernel level access and many anticheat swipe files from your machine and send it back to anti-cheat devs servers, their reasoning is if they detect cheating they swipe the binaries and scripts you are using to cheat to analyze and add to their hash database, but many have been known to grab any file they want from your computer), and this is coming from someone who despises even looking at a windows machine

>>58711 >anti-cheat often has kernel level access On Linux? Do they really make you load a kernel module? That's kinda fuarrrked. I've also never come across a Linux game with any kind of anti-cheat malware whatsoever

>>58705 >I just want most recent stable. >Fedora Yes, but... 1) Both Debian testing and Gentoo offer up-to-date packages but are stable, too. 2) (related to Fedora) SElinux is a major pain. 3) On Fedora you probably need to add the 3rd party Rpmfusion repo. 4) When I used Fedora many years ago, it was pain to upgrade to the next release (i don't know if this is fixed nowadays). On Gentoo you need to build all packages yourself, but you can choose which packages use Bleeding edge versions. Also, you can choose which features are compiled in and which features are disabled. There are binary packages for Firefox/Chromium, Libreoffice and Rust. Gentoo handbook is step-by-step guide, so you only need the time to read it. Debian testing is really stable. I ran it for a couple of years before switching to Arch (I have since then switched to Artix).

I am so fuarrrking lazy I hate myself I try getting fit, signing up to a gym, regularily going on runs, pushups every morning whatever it is it doesn't last past three weeks. I WANT TO GET FIT GOD jammit LOOKING AT MY UPPER BODY MAKES ME DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF YET THAT DOESN'T MOTIVATE ME ENOUGH TO DO ANYTHING I WANT TO STOP LOOKING LIKE A GIANT SCARECROW WHY AM I SO WEAK-WILLED

>>58747 So the first step is to recognize that willpower doesn't exist, and self hatred is one of the least effective forms of motivation. So stop beating yourself up and find a way to enjoy whatever form of exercise and associate it with positive feelings instead of negative ones. Don't focus on results or irrelevant secondary stuff like gym memberships and equiptment, focus on enjoying the process. For me that meant listening to fun workout music while working out, and reminding myself that the physical discomfort of exercise at least dulled the mental anguish I was otherwise in.

The next breakthrough medication for my condition won’t be out until 2026.

>>58747 No one can answer that question, there are all kinds of things that can happen in your life that induces self hatred, self sabotage, learned helplessness, and so on. What I would do, and am preparing to do myself (yet again) is to either find something that already exists within you, or create something, and have it be the new concept of yourself and your behavior. Funnel yourself into it and act through it, its design parameters will carry you forward. After a while it will be durable and well formed enough to function on its own. In my experience, there are 3 primary functional aspects of the self. The higher self, the core self, and the thing which says "I". What you're doing is creating a self for the core self to function through, while the higher self maintains a script and watches the whole inner system. The "I" also watches and can intercede to change your course as needed. You can also compare this to the older 4 body notions, which would be the physical body, the aetheric/energy body, the astral body, and the I. The "will" within you is the inner fire, and you need to become as Prometheus and steal it away from wherever it has been locked up, so the rest of your inner world can use it.

>>58776 And I'd add so far as the body and mind, I view them as vehicles, puppets, proxies by which to make the will manifest. However, that's not to say they don't have a will of their own. If I could simply manipulate, force, starve, or beat them into submission, I probably would and this is actually how I tended to live when I was younger. Obviously it's not sustainable, so I had to develop a more transactional way of interacting with them, and I must say, I even developed the capacity for sympathy and empathy with their experience as well. You have to balance it. You can't let the body or the mind run the show, you can't expect to be able to fully re-engineer them, and you can't simply ignore them either. Trying to dominate the body and mind is as much a manifestation of self hatred as simply becoming slave to them to the point where you begin to wither and die anyway. Hard to say. Can't say I've got it all figured out myself. Good luck. Also take creatine and L-glutamine, have a good intake of protein and satuirated fat, make sure your B-vitamin levels are good.

How to regain the joy of doing things? I used to have a lot of interests and hobbies. I was learing programming, electroncis, 3D modelling. I wrote short stories when I was younger, just for me, for fun. I wanted to learn to draw or play some instrument. Now I feel completely empty, devoid of any kind of creativity. Every time I try to sit and do something, it's like I can't. I can't concentrate, focus. Everything gets boring after 10-15 min. I also feel like I became retarded or something, not being able to learn anything new. For example I wanted to finally learn programming on higher level. I always liked it, I have some basics. Most of the advices are like: think of something you would need and learn how to code it. But I can't event think of anything that might be useful for me. I feel like a complete stupid retard who can only watch YT, play games and fap. All the time I feel tired, distracted, bored. Nothing can get my attention for more than couple of minutes. I try to meditate but so far it's hard for me to stay consistent with that. I have a job, spend a lot of time outside and have a regular contact with friends. Nothing seems to help however and most of the time when I am by myself I feel like in some kind of black hole without sense of purpose.

My friend went into hospice in another country a few weeks ago where she was expected to die. Rather than bombard her with messages, some of us have been forwarding things through a common friend who says the last email she got was nearly two weeks ago. None of us are on social media and none of our families know each other.... not sure she even had any. I guess I won't be hearing from her again.

>>58871 I'm still convinced if it's not subconscious stress from the state of the world and the fact that we can all feel something coming, it must be an external agent. Either electromagnetic, something sprayed in the air, or shed by the vaxxed, whatever. I taught myself to program when I was basically more crippled than I've ever been in my life, that was nearly 10 years ago, and my story is much the same as what you just described. I could confabulate all kinds of reasons, but fact is, tons of people are saying the same thing right now. Inner void, I feel it too. Strongly considered just kms'ing myself, and in that case I do know the reasons, but all exist tangential and relative to the inner void. Just cannot give a fuarrrk. All kinds of new EM isntallations, sattelite network in space, graphene is being detected in rainwater and snow, everyone just got injected with some mystery concoction, and then.... this. Hm, what a coincidence.

I am really lonely. I have disconnected from humanity to such a degree that any reply to this post is the most genuine social interaction I will have had in months. I read stories of people who have overcome drug addictions and find myself envious of them because at least they have done something and had experiences. I even feel jealous of the weirdos that post in tranny and furry discords and soykaf because even they have had the common sense to seek out some form of human connection, even if it is only online. I want to be able to come home from working a job I enjoy, to a home I can be proud of owning, to see the smiling face of someone who loves me.

>>58884 >...it must be an external agent. Either electromagnetic, something sprayed in the air, or shed by the vaxxed, whatever. Both neurologically harmful electromagnetic affects as well as a large bevy of mass chemical experimentation/warfare can be proven to exist with just a little bit of diligence towards research, as you seemed to have done. Certainly this is a contributing factor. I resentfully say anybody that would disagree is wrong. And boy oh boy, do we also have biological warfare in spades. Certainly I've been going through the same thing. I've always been a lazy fuarrrk but damn, it's a huge chore to do anything but my base interests now. Perhaps a rationalization, but I attribute it to a state of total disillusion of society, as well as a prognosis of complete loss of stability in its future. So, my life certainly being downstream of that, my own future. FOMO'ing on the simple pleasures while they're still available, yet never actually being able to capture that comfort of a less dire time. Trying to doomsday prep seems ridiculous -- which doomsday, and how would my resources be sufficient? How about base stuff such as physical fitness? Personally as long as I eat relatively OK and my BMI is less than obese, fuarrrk it, I hate working out. I was a manchild before, but hot damn did the the absolute state of things keep me there! However, the roles and values in which we base our own worth on are hollow and empty due to this. Why the fuarrrk would I want to contribute to anything? Neither am I a man of such innate skill as to think I can do more for humanity than share ideas like any other pleb. I'll contribute to the world once it crumbles as the manual labor, in the meantime I'm gonna stay alive and aware and have fun. Since you brought up kms, I'll just say I don't really get suicide as a rational action. Reality is effectively neutral, it's when it hits your dome that the shades and highlights get colored in -- so choose to paint bright (mental autonomy). For all that we can tell, we are no less after death than we were before birth, as is the universe... so yay reincarnation is in a sense confirmed if you agree with line of reasoning. Following this, rebirth can presumably be considered the ultimate RNG (blah blah faith, give me proof - oh there is none, so let's default on this). What assurance can anyone give that we, in our next lives, be able to move, think, feel, and reflect in a way that justifies ending this roll? I'm not a man of faith, but seriously, I cannot emphasize enough... we are incredibly, incredibly blessed! Wrapping back to the first thing I addressed, I do think there is a further spiritual component to this. My presumption - generally good entities have more specific goals and they respect individual autonomy, so we don't interact with them much nor they reason to. Generally bad entities have little reason to do much more than take advantage of us, provided we have something to take. To interact as these entities have allegedly done amongst those with spiritual or paranormal experience (which, including myself, is something that very few lack), many of these entities must have at least relative intelligence as us, as well it must be possible to consistently interact with us in some way. It would only make sense those pursuing power that are wise to this would utilize the esoteric towards their goals. Perhaps a mass colonization; a spiritual mindvirus? I don't know, but as far as I can tell it's as valid a speculation as any.

I think I'm coming to terms with my lack of purpose in life. Not having any personal goals is okay too.

>>58898 I didnt wanna bring this up but i feel very similarly. Somehow things feel different, its no secret anymore that all the soykaf is everywhere and they use people as guinea pigs for absolutely every sick idea they come up with on tax dollars. I should feel a lot better given my current conditions but i feel too weird somehow, maybe its just all that weed i smoked and always everything being soykaf otherwise. Also i developed a feeling of aversion and hostility towards humans and civilization even more than i had. The things i loved to do drain me and make me tired now, it just seems a chore just to be alive. Life just doesnt feel alive at all in some way, its like im in the "crappy" parts of sel where you just see it all as static.

>>58895 I feel you. I'm not completely isolated yet, I occasionally manage to talk with a few friends, but those interactions are getting less and less common. I've been having these thoughts of me in the future completely alone and they scare me soykafless to the point of paralyzing me, until something manages to distract me until the next thought > I read stories of people who have overcome drug addictions and find myself envious of them because at least they have done something and had experiences. Doing hard drugs, or something to get "in troubles", just to see if I'll get out as a changed man. I'm not going to do those things, there are probably easier ways to fix myself, but it's nice knowing I'm not the only dumbass who had such thoughts

fuarrrk being remembered i think i was made for you pic unrelated

Why do I always end up getting bullied? At least that's what it feels like. I am quite sensitive but I don't know how to be any different as much as I try. Whenever I spend time with people I always come back feeling worse than I did before. Sometimes I feel like it must be something I'm doing wrong but maybe thinking that is that part of why I get bullied. I am so terribly insecure and I hate it. People say be yourself but it always seems to backfire or I just don't know how to do it. I am so terribly insecure and I hate it. I always get this horrible sinking feeling in my heart when I feel like people haven't been nice to me. Like having my heart broken. I don't know how to stand up for myself without looking like I'm blowing things out of proportion. I'm on the autistic spectrum but to most people I look normal so no one believes me but I really don't know how to interact with groups of people. I just look weird.

I now realize even though I was "functional" for a decently long while, I managed to accumulate more stressors, more trauma and deepen my depression in that time span. The last two weeks have been an absolute hell, my usual calm demeanor and slight apathy have been replaced with raw emotions. Emotions which I cannot predict, much less control. For a while, reading Stoic philosophy helped a lot, but I think I just merely bottled up emotions and stressors that were unworkable. It all came crashing down after hanging out with my close friends from way back in HS, I stand to reason now that being around them allowed me to severely let my guard down (and for good reason, these are people that I blindly trust). This in turn lead to all those bottled emotions and issues bubbling up to the surface. It feels like a let the genie out of the bottle, I decided to go back in for therapy - at the very least to stabilize myself before exams roll around (I fare horribly with all this under stress). I hope I can get an appointment soon, and start working on this. For now, I'm trying to somehow carry on, but it's hard - feels like the mask dropped and I'm quite exposed.

>>58946 Take what I say with a grain of salt, but there's a few things you can work on (speaking from personal experience): We on the autistic spectrum tend to be repetitive or annoying sometimes, by your own words "I look normal" I believe you can control some of that. Look CBT up, try to identify what is really annoying to handling a conversation and work on it (don't "tone down" everything though, you gotta keep your character and be honest to yourself). As for social anxiety/shyness: have you tried reading Stoic philosophy? I find it helps a lot in these situations, as it teaches your to rely only on yourself and rationality - which I find is a good way to mitigate shyness. And about the "be yourself" part, I don't know what NTs strictly mean by it - it never really worked for me except when I'm up on stage (suddenly stuff that they would call "weird" in a different context becomes "cool"). In conversation and day to day interactions, I try to convey a calm and relaxed demeanor, as that is how I want to behave. And you would be surprised, it actually works, puts your thoughts in a different frame of mind. Lastly and on a related note: dress nicely, get an iron, ironing board, some nice shirts and pants. I.E.: not full-blown business formal, but somewhat formal, yes. Every day you are out, dress like that - hell, sometimes even on the weekends when I'm also I dress like that. It will first and foremost give you confidence, but more importantly, it conveys confidence and calmness to people around you. This also goes for grooming, yes I know, what the hell is the point of shaving? Nothing inherent, but it has a huge effect on how you're perceived by others. Shower at least daily and make sure you're always looking good. It will take some practice, that's OK. Last but certainly not least, find a sport you enjoy and persistently do it. I assume you're a male, less than 35 years old, which means: you're lucky, use biology to your advantage. If you persist at it, I can guarantee observable results in less than two weeks, sometime within the first week. Oh, and before I forget, eat healthy. Hell, even try learning how to cook: https://based.cooking is a nice resource for simple recipes that are mostly quite healthy too (and most is also tasty). I wish you the best of luck Anon, and I know that I don't know you personally, but I trust in that you can do it. Focus on your self, better your self for your own sake - the rest will follow.

Posted in previous thread about this already but things didn't get better. There are 4 weeks left before highschool is over and never have I felt so terribly depressed in my life. I basically have endured pretty bad trauma from five years of domestic violence because my parents can't deal properly with my autism. When I finally managed to escape and live with a friend for three months I ran into trouble with insurance and other services, I had the choice of either being homeless or reuniting with my family, I chose the latter because they promised me that I could live with my cousin which was bullshit made up for me to return home. Ever since I'm back I have been smoking weed daily to stop myself from getting dreams about living elsewhere. Today I ran out again and the depression is hitting hard. I can't even endure my parents' presence for more than five seconds before I feel anger about my situation building up inside of me. Right now I'm doubtful about what to do, it's a near impossible effort to do my homework, I missed 1/3 of the year due to absence which I also have to catch up with and I even lost motivation for my passions since I feel like there's no point in anything as long as I'm trapped here. If I don't start today I might as well drop out completely, which might be better in the long run. I'm only finishing school because my parents want me to (to keep them out of debt too, they got money from the state under the condition that I would remain educated) and because it will allow me to live in a dorm room next year without a job. If I don't finish school that simply means I'll have to work hard for my money right away without a degree. Please help lain. I literally have no friends I can trust with my secrets since they don't understand my disorder either and just blame me for being different. Picrel, my mom stopped cooking dinner for me and I'm too depressed to cook myself atm.

>>59024 >>59024 I used to be on antipsychotics to stop my mood swings but they are literally the last substance you wanna be on since they suck all the life and energy out of you. Before I had access to weed I just cut myself everyday which is a habit I'm really close to picking up again since weed is becoming unaffordable for my broke ass. If I'm gonna make a decision I should do so today or tomorrow because otherwise I'll automatically fail the year for not having started with studying on time. If I drop out now I'd be very embarrassed for having wasted six months doubting my decision just because I didn't properly cut off contact with my relatives.

I recently got an internship as a uni student and while its an ideal position, I hate it. The job is quite literally a lot of engineers dream and it pays very well while also being fairly easy work. I seriously cannot think of some other job I'd rather be doing, in terms of the actual work. But even despite working a good job I can't bear it. Every day i've gone in so far i'd come home and have suicidal thoughts. I can't cope with the idea that this is all life is, and I'll be spending my remaining years waking up to wage away. My whole day is gone and I have no energy or time to do any of my hobbies which require even the least bit of effort. I'd rather be studying again where I could have my nights to myself. It's the only time I really feel present and alive. Now even that is gone because I need to wake up early for the next day. I only have effectively 7 Hours to myself everyday + the weekend. I really don't know what to do. I don't think that this life is sustainable for me. I'm not sure if others feel the same way and I'm being dramatic but I really don't feel like I can do this for an entire year let alone the rest of my life. I don't know if I should seek help or even how to. I'd feel so stupid giving up this opportunity and guilty for having gotten it and throwing it away. Also can't really explain the depth of my thoughts to anyone IRL which really annoys me. The money doesn't motivate me enough to put up with this. There's nothing I want out of my life than to be happy and money just can't buy that for me.

>>59030 >pays very well early retirement if its early good. There a movement arround it called FIRE

More of a question: OK, so I looked at way to much porn (mainly hentai) in my teens, and I think I've developed some level of 'autogynephilia' because of imagining myself in the girl's position, and now that has kind of warped my thinking such that it is way easier to get off on that than anything else. I think I would prefer to be a girl, and I recently started reading a bit on the trans phenomenon, but I have no idea if i just have some bizarre brainworms and what I have is just a fetish. Is it even medically possible to "transition", or is that a severely unhealthy action to take?

>>59033 fuarrrks your body up permanently. Playing with hormones in in general a bad idea if you care about health and don't want to get addicted to pills. Also dont see why your would let porn regulate your life. Way easier to change that than your body.

>>59033 Have you considered that a website based on an anime character might not be the best place to seek medical advice? Unless you want nothing but bro science and meme based theories.

>>59035 >neurosuggesting we dont have anime loving autists here who read more medical publications than your average doc just to win internet arguments i.e. lain correctly predicted the rona soykafshow better than msm doctors

>>59035 I am way too embarrassed about this to even consider talking about it without going through 7 proxies™. I think the other anon is right- it seems to be a terribly unhealthy choice (physically, mentally, financially, socially), and also "you become what you think about most of the time". I also enjoy my physical strength too much to actually go through with it, and that combined with the risks means I probably won't. This is a helluva weird phenomenon. I wonder if many people have fully fallen towards this in this manner? Has anyone else here experienced this or met anyone who has?

I'm also kinda afraid that a """medical professional" of this variety would have egged me on, considering $current_year, lol

>>59038 Reality will definitely rearrange to suit (and match) your assumptions and fixations. I have come to believe it's not a matter of eprception and cumulative effects of sublte behavioral and perceptual factors stemming from beliefs, over a long period of time. The state of your mind and thoughts has an actual direct effect on "reality" itself.

>>59031 I'm making very good money for being an intern and until I hopefully get a full time position at this place I won't be able to put to large of a sum in my savings but I'll try my best. About retiring early, its something I've thought about a lot and I've always had it in mind as a goal but after discussing with some people both online and IRL, I'm not sure if its the right mindset to have. I've heard a couple flaws with the idea but what really resonated with me the most is that early retirement is a misplaced goal. They basically told me that retiring early is fine but having that as my only motivation day in and day out is the wrong way of looking at things and won't help motivate me very much. I honestly can't disagree, I think it would be nice but if that's all life is then I don't really want a part in it. I think this is mostly a personal struggle that I'm just getting off my chest but I'm at a crossroads between the "normal" person life and the way I've learned to live most of my life so far. I'm so deep in my own world which is good IMO but now having to change is destroying me. I don't doubt that other people have the same feelings but to be perfectly honest I don't think I ever been the most "healthy" mentally as I feel a big discrepancy between how I feel internally and appear externally. I found my way of coping through allowing myself to be alone with my thoughts and present with myself throughout the night but that's been taken from me and now I feel like my external persona is permanently on and I'm not sure what will happen to me. I feel like i'll either come out as a "normal" person or end up giving up and becoming a NEET or worse. I think there's no good outcomes for me as I presently am and it makes me want to quit life itself, though itd probably take something big for that to happen. I've thought about taking this all to a psychiatrist but I don't want to let others in my life know, especially given how easy and fortunate my life appears to normal people. I feel like im probably the most unstable stable person there is which makes me want to just say fuarrrk it and create something for others to notice about and call it a mistake or impulsive.

>>59048 I honestly never saw the difference between school and job. You still have to wake up early daily to get to a place that largely wastes your time on irrelevant activities and its both made slightly better by social interactions with the people you like at the place. So literally same dynamic as i see it. As for early retirement. I think you are taking it literally? The goal as far as i understand is not to go pensioner mode / neet but simply to have enough money to do whatever you want so you aren't forced to continued the standard routine for 40 years. I think most of the early retirement people cant do neet because the discipline required to make it also prevents them to get lazy once they make it. So they transition to working on things they really like on their own terms which seems to be what you want.

>>59048 BEHOLD, I have improved your image!!!! Though I did not optimize the filesize.

>>59030 im on the same boat anon except my job is like kicking dead whales down the beach and doesnt pay well and i have even less free time the only exit that i can imagine right now is "Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life." i wonder if its true...

I had gotten out a relationship a few months ago. We separated after an already solid period of us saying that we were going to try a break. It was sudden and to be completely honest with myself I had hoped that a now-nonexistent status quo that we had before would emerge once again. We supposedly left the relationship on amicable terms and spoke daily (still do). On paper I should be fine and I shouldn't be as affected by this as I still am. I've got a good job, about to leave uni with a great degree, thousands in savings, no debt, working out, meeting new people, learning about myself and reaching out to those I've wronged, I have tons of people who love and support me, and seemingly nothing about that could change anytime soon. However, even with all of that being said, I've never been more empty and miserable. Even when I was a bottle-pissing, pitch-black roomed alcoholic NEET I could find joy in things, whether that be learning new things, working at something challenging, or finding a new anime that I like. I still think about her every day and night, constantly reflect on what I did wrong and try to formulate ways to keep her attached to me, even when most people I talk to say that she's done much worse to me in their eyes. This feels so soykafty to talk about and think about constantly. I hate it, and I hate that feelings like this are so common that posting here will probably get me called a normalfriend or whatever. I hate her and I hate myself. I promised her the world and a future and she did the same - and she ran off immediately after we broke up to shack up with men who sell beer for minimum wage and have no ambition. When I had spoken to my therapist about it he had told me that it wasn't my fault. People aren't ready for this type of commitment at my age or something of that sort, and I'm too advanced as far as my goals and drive than most my age, and I should set my expectations accordingly. Why should I? Why should it be that I need to adjust how I feel and act so that I can give people who decide to make stupid mistakes in their past a second, third, fourth chance, and why cant I let people make mistakes within relationships? Psychological bros? Help me out. Where am I in the wrong here? What the fuarrrk should I do? I'm trying everything except falling down the Volcel MGTOW pipeline - or whatever soykaflibs call it - and enveloping myself in hate.

>>59051 thanks lain >>59049 School is a little different because I work at my own pace whenever I choose. I could skip classes at my own discretion meanwhile at work I'm forced to show up 9 to 5. your right about day retirement, I may be taking it a little too literally but its the same actions for the first little bit ie. I'll need to save for a house and that's no different in either interpretation. I still will never understand how people do this everyday and not want to shoot themselves and that's the crux of the problem. Nothing makes it better for me; neither the money or interest in the work and I think that's going to be a problem for me going forward in my career, it's not sustainable. Its so hard not to think about being a NEET even if its a retarded option

>>59049 School is not so much about learning as it is about being groomed to be good employees who sit still and obey a schedule.

>>59056 I have that same fridge. Was this your first serious, long term relationship? I remember feeling those feels after my first real break up. Took a long time to get better, and still even to this day i have a soft spot for that girl. I look back on it with whatever you'd call the opposite of nostalgia. It seemed better then than it does now, looking back. We really weren't a good pair and didn't have that much in common. But i can only say that now, years after the fact with a clear head. At the time i was overwhelmed with emotion.

I came here to see if venting would help clearing things a little in my mind. And hopefully help me change my behavior. I'm not in the worst moment in my life, but certainly not in the most brilliant. The time being set, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, mostly by getting fuarrrked by the consequences of decisions made out of the intrinsic irresponsibility of younger days. I feel that I'm beginning to walk with my own feet, but I'm also kind of old for the soykaf I'm doing, starting over from scratch the third time in my life. I'm squeezing everything into a big step, trying to recover from what's passed, rushing into my life. This is also getting me extremely anxious, angry and confused, drinking too much, smoking too much, I feel I don't like what I'm doing but I know I just can't do just what I like. I'm practically beginning a new career but my attitude is of an exhausted person who's doing everything pronto but in poor quality, I guess. I feel like I've already began hopeless. My day to day is soykafty, my head literally aches everyday and I can't find peace anywhere, I'm almost losing it. And there is so much things I should do, but I can't squeeze time or build effort anymore 'cause I'm on a fuarrrking burnout. I'm burning out so hard. My plans are all going to soykaf, debt is rising and I feel so drained. I can make it, I know I can. But I need to obtain more energy, more light and life. I need to grow up and reforge my weakest links. I need a washing machine, a car, a clean name, to study better, to get a hobby, to read more books. I don't know where to begin.

i keep making this same dumb mistakes over and over again, also I realized venting in a journal with pen and paper is better but i end up dropping it after a few days always. don't know why im posting here

I was at the café the other day. I was minding my own business, and I saw a girl walk in. She sat in the table in front of me and started studying Japanese. She was the most drop-dead gorgeous woman I have ever seen. Clumsy words won't do her justice, but the physical details are unimportant. Indeed, there are cute women, like my girlfriend whom I adore. There are hot women, like the barista I always catch myself staring at. But this woman was beautiful. This was the rare type of woman I would throw everything away just for a chance to hold her hand. Of course I did nothing; she never even glanced my way so even if I was single there was never a chance. But she left such an impression upon me that I feel melancholy ever since, despaired by the fact that I will never know what it's like to love such beauty. Whatever, I should consider myself lucky that I have a loving girlfriend anyhow...

I made a thread on /hum/ about all the things happening in my life about two months ago, and probably you can still find it, but I felt soykaf for dedicating the whole thread to my vents about immigration and all the crap in life and world around me. I don't want to reply in this thread anymore so I'd better write smthing here, as it seems like a more suitable place, besides I don't expect any replies as well. ////////// It's been three months already since me and my parents have left our home in Moscow. The first month we spent in Emirates (living on the outskirts of Dubai basically), as it was the only place that the flight companies sold tickets to. I genuinely hated this place, I felt out of it every second I spent there. I've heard the locals scoffing behind my back, shouting "american white boy" in a silly and rude manner and I was constantly getting glances. I know that it is always difficult to adopt to a new place and so on but I couldn't find any excuse for myself to stay in the totalitarian country (with laws and customs stricter than in any place I've ever been to). After a month of comfy(not) life in a small room with my parents I proposed to them that it would be better to move to another place. So we moved to a small coastal town in Montenegro and spent one month there. At first I felt a slight relief, I've even stepped over my anxiety and managed to get in touch with some russian-speaking guys, but still they were not so interesting people to talk to as all their concerns consisted of getting ez-bux and spending it on weed. For them I was nothing more than a weird looking guy with strange jokes, lexicon and cheap and old-fashioned clothing. So every time I was going out and told my parents that "I want to meet some locals here" I ended up going up and down the town, listening to music and audiobooks, smoking cigs and crying on the beach. I also quickly found out that my SSRIs aren't available at the local drug stores, so I cut the dose in half and probably (or not, idk to be honest) it worsened my condition. Around this time I decided to start looking for a job (not for money, as I don't need it that much) to take up my free time. Being socially awkward and gloomy totally didn't help me with that. Fortunately around this time I met with my father's friend who said that he might need some interns at the office in Belgrade. And so I moved there and now is the first time that I live without my parents in a foreign country and I feel scared and amused at the same time. I dunno y I even decided to post this, probably I just want my mind to clear a little bit, as I feel lost in life and world. I see everything that I loved breaking and tearing apart. My best friend has recently hit the road to escape the political imprisonment, my friends from Ukraine now blame me for the warcrimes in their homeland, my relatives don't even talk to me because "muh, u support the nazis in ukraine, u are the traitor of the motherland" and the gf that I had left in Moscow is now going to the mental hospital. I know that all these things are either not so important or lame but idk, i just wanted to vent out... (Picrels are some pics I took during this time)

>>59095 Москвичам-либерахам неприятно. (´･ω･`)

>>59098 Сосачер, привет :3

>>58700 >and that makes up probably 98% of people You did the study? You went out there and talked to 1000 people to see who has what interests? You got to know them to their core? A lot of my friends don't know I like to knit from time to time (I am a man). That takes a lot of my free time, but I like to make things for my gf and family. I will share this info to a literal stranger like you, for the purpose of making a point, but most people won't tell you what they hold dear to their heart and what they're invested in, purely out of fear you will pain them. >>58707 Exactly.

>>59108 >You did the study? You went out there and talked to 1000 people to see who has what interests? You got to know them to their core? >but most people won't tell you what they hold dear to their heart and what they're invested in, purely out of fear you will pain them. maybe your right anon, maybe ive just been burned in the past too many times that ive hardened my stance on this. but i have observed in the past lots and lots of mediocre people. i think its human nature to get comfortable and then stop developing any further from that point. but ive never felt this way. ive had passion towards things, went out of my comfort zone and learned new skills, only to feel alone afterwards when I can't find anyone else to share these things with. instead, when i've tried to open, it has been met with poor response, at best indifference, at worst ostracized for not conforming to the group. and in the cases where i have found "likeminded" people, they ended up only superficially having an interest in the same thing, often being lead down the path out of circumstance and not passion. i appreciate that you've shared anon, i'll try to have a more positive outlook with this. people like you give me some hope

>>59056 >and she ran off immediately after we broke up to shack up with men who sell beer for minimum wage and have no ambition. that says enought about her; she didn't deserved your love and attention. i know it sounds complicated but try to lay on your back, look at the roof for a while, and think in all the logical reasons why you're better without her. then think about how can you occupy your time to cheer yourself up without falling into some spiral of procrastination. on the mid term, grab whatever nice feelings you still feel about her and redirect them to yourself. then, if you feel like it, go out to social places that may interest you and find a real woman, one that values a men with ambitions in life and has her own goals; else keep feeding the self love machine without going into egocentrism, and keep working on your personal goals, do what makes you happy, and eventually you'll forget your ex. next time you see her you'll feel nothing for her.

>>59112 Mediocre person here, I fit your description well and in a lot of ways you're correct, passionate people attract scorn because you guys are weird. From my experience, passion in people is often accompanied by an arrogant, or at least condescending attitude, utter lack of understanding of other people, and naive tunnel vision, usually related to their subject of interest, though it often applies to other things in life. I've seen lots of such people during my time in college, especially among grad students and our professors. It's admirable, personally, I honestly feel jealous seeing such people and their unyielding interest, it's a rare thing to come by and it fills your life with meaning and you should cherish that. On the other hand, and this may have to do with my cynicism, everything these people do seems like a waste of time. Each big discovery and each work of art consists of years of drudgery and research and doing seemingly pointless but ultimately foundational things, and I understand that, but at an intuitive level I can't see past that, or perhaps I think that it doesn't pay off. Every article about an extremely specific, narrow little thing that just seems to be of zero use and out of touch fills me with disgust first and foremost. To elaborate on all those qualities wonks have, they have a glitter in their eye, they can ramble about their special interest for hours on end, their perception of the thing they like is often naive and, ironically, simple minded (e.g. "Woah, X is basically the key to understanding all of Y!!!"). The most insufferable thing of all is the condescending and dismissive attitude they immediately put up once they feel that you're not interested or not as competent as them, in a way, your posts are a great example of that. Much like most people, I am lost and I can't be bothered. I've got my vocation and I am not willing to go beyond that. Studying takes time, especially if you're doing this to improve your career prospects and reach a semi-professional or a professional level of competence, and even then it doesn't always bring you the results you wanted. Hell, if I'm being honest, even the "passive" pastimes you people dread I don't care about. Every movie and game and book is utterly predictable or plain bad. I may be depressed and it may be the sign I should kick the bucket, it's a rant without a clear tangent if you haven't noticed, it's that your post chain really triggered a response that's been boiling in me for basically years without anyone to ever really talk to about this since most people, as you know, don't care, they agree but they don't have the same burning hatred I have. I guess I'll change the topic a little bit and maybe ask other people if that is even curable, the concern for nothing and disdain for everything, I mean. Existing like this is fine and dandy but it sure isn't living. I wonder where the hell does interest even come from. Childhood? Boredom? Mental illness? I hate it all. The takeaway is, I hate assholes like you, but you may as well continue being one.

>>59122 Not to disregard the points you've made but it sounds like you're depressed.

>>59056 > Why should it be that I need to adjust how I feel and act so that I can give people who decide to make stupid mistakes in their past a second, third, fourth chance, and why cant I let people make mistakes within relationships? Not into Psychology, but more like been there done that. You use this experience from this particular relationship to understand what you expect when looking for on relationships, then you make sure to find out as fast as possible if new girl is up to your standards, if not you don't lose time and focus on finding another. If you set your standards too high, it will be too hard to find a partner and you lose a lot of time. If you set your standards too low, then you lose time with people not worth your time. And if you cannot find a girl up to your standards, consider that maybe the culture of the place you are searching on is not good to mold people with the characteristics you are looking for, but maybe you can find them in other places.

>>58871 Stop using the commercial internet. It's designed to make you a black hole, with such a short attention span only able to browse more. Quitting will be like quitting drugs, you might want to block some websites on your devices. soon, with a lot of willpower and hard work - you will retrieve your long lost ability of entertaining yourself, not being like a cow fed junk internet entertainment.

>>59112 My suggestion is that you don't judge people by their passions or reactions to this cruel world. Even those that do consensus normalization do it out of fearful and painful reasons, not because they have bad intentions in their heart. Liberal and free spirited people, wanderers and adventurous types like you are most often alone due to nature of their personality. Not a lot of people understand you and not a lot of them ever will, not because they don't want to understand you but because they can't. I have a gf and we talk an awful lot about informational theory. Do you think she knows what entropy is? Her background is in design and artsy stuff. She gives me creative answers but they're on par with person who just dipped their toes. Go out and find a conference, meetup, some kind of contest, CTF, whatever. And even if you don't overlap 100% with people just give them a chance to learn something of theirs that they love. My opinion is that you're very not agreeable, very high in compassion (at least empathy, not politeness), very high in neuroticism and openness but low in orderliness. Probably have a strict father and mother, didn't really socialize to the point of normalizing your opinions and likings to others, kept to yourself most of your childhood and now you feel loneliness. Open up even more, let them hurt you so you can find a way not to hurt others, you will be a beacon in the night and you will shine bright, trust me. >people like you give me some hope I guess this is more of egocentric activity than you might think, I see myself in you a lot. Going to therapist now to treat my BPD, to not see others in prism of aggressor/victim but through a countless victim cycle of trauma that you can resolve with a simple smile and nice word.

>>59122 >I wonder where the hell does interest even come from. Childhood? Boredom? Mental illness? I hate it all. Partially everything you mentioned, partially low competence in everything else (so you overcompensate in that one particular point), partially the need for domination/winning/exploration often found in men that has manifested itself through push in one particular field through "challenge" either intellectual or physical to become the best of the best. It is a grueling existence to be completely honest. Most people don't make it, most of them are jealous of your simplicity of life, most of those that do succeed are just enslaved by their own creation. The current system of civilization and societal structure feeds on those people, and needs more of them. That's why it glorifies that in the media. I am thinking of buying a farm and going off grid and having minimal contact with other people. I am fuarrrking 26. If that isn't "burnout" I don't know what is. >The takeaway is, I hate assholes like you, but you may as well continue being one. You do not hate them, you hate the symbolic representation of them. You hate the stereotype of them, the picture you put in your mind of what that person is. Why did you do this? Because you were told you were not good enough, that you are bad the way you are, that you need to push yourself more. You hate yourself, that is why you hate them. Learn to love yourself, the way you are. When you learn to love yourself then you will not see those people as the enemy, as someone to hate.

I'm glad I can feel stuff again, but it's so hard. Especially harder when I'm on my own. I used to absolutely enjoy solitude, now that is all I dread. In a way I'm wishing to be depressed and apathetic again, but I know that's bad. I guess it'll take a while to adjust.

>>58677 I understand you, i feel the same. i live disconnected from main social media and streaming services, don't give a fuarrk about [BIG_THING], and really really enjoy understanding obscure things (mostly how the tools/protocols i interact with works, reading long documentation, understanding programming stuff at a very low-level, that kind of thing). I literally grab my phone twice a day for 5 minutes just to check if i have any message, same with discord (i usually answer after a couple of hours because of this, except on very specific time frames where i can engage in cool convos). About multiplayer gaming, i don't do it that often anymore (i don't even have games on my pc), but i play Modded Open Arena (ratMod) on weekends for a while (that's when the 10-16 people that still plays it connnect to play). I can't find people like this either, it feels like this kind of people is either scarce or is so much into their grind that they just never appear on places like this. also, pic rel >>58685 >Wanting to find people like yourself that's literally embedded in our genetic code probably, it makes sense to want to find people like us.

>>59122 >I wonder where the hell does interest even come from. Childhood? Boredom? Mental illness? I honestly think it is neurological. A tiny minority of people gain an immense rush of pleasure just from understanding new things. For such people the rush can override their desire for a decent job, respect, even finding a mate. They can't empathize with people who don't get this rush because for them, it is a fundamental aspect of existence.

not quite there with working for 5h a day yet but at least it's a bit more. i thought visiting the therapist again would be a bit of a waste but im glad i did cuz he cooly told me that its all about tolerating frustration and nothing else. thats the only issue right there god i think im getting addicted to smoking i wonder how long it takes for it to take an effect on your voice

>>59135 its probably more early child development how your reward structure end up. Assume you get ingrained only my opinion matters - that makes all the external rewards worthless like praise,medals,etc. . So you would experience greater joy from understanding compared to other sources of reward while still having the save level of excitement for understanding as regular people.

Today I saw a high school teacher, he thaught me geography and he was good at it. I can't stop thinking about high schoool, it was so good and I never got to enjoy it much because of the fuarrrking pandemic. I remember high school when everything was cool, I could slack off, I could play cards, I was interested in learning things even if I sucked at it. I almost cried in the middle of the street after I spoke with him. His voice really triggered me, I kept remembering him rambling about stuff and me and my friends cracking jokes. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best time I ever had. Now I'm just depressed, everything feels pointless in college. I loved my high school class and I can't get over the fact I only had a year and a couple months of it. I miss listening to those songs, playing those games, cursing at the computer because my website looked like soykaf, complaining out loud about how stupid that homework was. I just want to go back and live every single year of it, kiss those girls, drink and smoke at parties, fight with my parents without getting kicked out of the house and be around those people that now are scattered all over the country. I'm just so sad and angry and I can't do a single thing about it. This life is miserable.

>>58747 You just need to find a form of excercise you enjoy. For me it was playing Ring Fit and riding my bike. Also keep in mind that proper nutrition is important as well.

>>59137 If you think only your opinion matters then you would still need some kind of motivational force. Otherwise you would be perfectly content with coming up with half-baked theories and never doing the work to prove or disprove them.

>>59139 It's embarrassing to admit but during my first year of college, I listened to vitamin c's song "graduation" a lot. The first couple years after high school are a weird transition and it takes a while to figure out and get used to. I had four full years of high school and even that didn't feel like enough at first. There's a lot things to miss about that stage of life. But the older i get, the more i realize that school was the worst stage of life. It wasn't bad, but everything after has been a lot better. Just got to adjust to it and find your place. >I just want to go back and live every single year of it, kiss those girls, drink and smoke at parties, Go try to live your lost youth by enjoying college parties. They're way better.

I need my friends to baby me and give me attention or I have a meltdown. All it takes is one day of somebody not talking to me and my mind goes from being completely stable, happy and comfortable to a completely scrambled psychotic mess. I don't like that. I know it's unfair to them and I don't like the pain it puts me through personally either. But damn I really feel like I have very little control over it. The best I can do is try to hold it in or vent elsewhere so I don't end up poisoning the relationship by expressing my fears and worries about the other person. I'm really doing my best but things keep going badly, or maybe it just seems that way because I'm viewing them through a negative lens all the time, idk.

I have to find work after thing Ive been working hard on for a year imploded. Had to go to the job centre earlier after thinking Id never go back there. This year has been one long bummer. It got the the point where I had to block my mother's phone when she wouldnt stop harassing me on a bad day. Sometimes when I feel low I have flashbacks to all the destruction caused by her impulsive and thoughtless behaviour. She's an Amber Heard.

>>59156 Histrionic or borderline personality disorder. Sounds like you're fed up with this sort of emotional lability and are ready to make the next step. Go to psychiatrist for proper diagnosis and help towards next step.

>>59130 You're right. I hate them because I see a reflection of our society in them, an ever-growing army of narrow specialists that outperform the rest, and this ruins it for pretty much everyone, me included. Though you say it's more of a mental image I conjured up in my head, I've had plenty of experience with such people to say that they exist and they make me sick to my stomach. I think I made a post about this in one of the previous threads, but I really hate the entire grind and productivity bull, I hate that everything is becoming increasingly corporate and slick and sterile, "professional", as it were, and there's no place for loafers like me anymore. I do feel behind, partly because I'm a failed professional myself, had my head crammed full of theory and trivia and had expectations on me and now I'm here, burned out I guess. Disillusionment is good because it made me focus on other facets of life that I never really considered before, and although I feel less and less inept, I'm probably still clinging on to that idea that got drilled into my skull that I should "strive for success" and "aim for six figures" and such, even though it means becoming a drone, mingling with horrible people and just throwing away your humanity in exchange for a career that you need to keep by staying on top of your game at all times. Really hate this. Academia is no different, except you can't even earn a livable wage, unless you have that drive within you and you get to one of the higher positions within the academic ranks and then manage to juggle research, writing, paperwork, lecturing, conferences and so on. It just feels like the world is becoming less and less human, I suppose it's been like that for a while now, but it's just getting worse. Even if I learn to love myself, I don't think I'll stop seeing them as an enemy, at the very least I'll just pity them.

>>59175 >I hate that everything is becoming increasingly corporate and slick and sterile, "professional", as it were, and there's no place for loafers like me anymore... It just feels like the world is becoming less and less human, I suppose it's been like that for a while now, but it's just getting worse. That's no accident. Maybe you'll appreciate this documentary. With your feelings I'm completely sympathetic to, but I don't really care to discuss. I will say that personally, I've stopped seeing the vast majority of people as that I would have once labeled as enemies to be enemies, but instead victims. http://metanoia-films.org/human-resources/

I need to tell someone that I will be better and for them to say that they believe in me.

>>59180 I believe in you, if you are willing to put the effort in self-improvement! Things will get better, but you shouldn't just wait for thing to get better. You need to start doing things you like and things that are important for you right now!

Over the past several months, I've been having multiple dreams in which I was female (or a very feminine-looking cross-dresser), with the most recent instance of this having occurred just a few hours ago as I was taking a nap. In that particular dream, I can remember the outfit I was wearing (a black sweater and pink skirt) and that I was sporting a large hairstyle that made it seem as if I'd been electrocuted, with my hair standing up even after being tied back. I seemed to be stressed and uncomfortable with the environment I was in -- a large house with many narrow hallways. I was sweating. Previous dreams of this nature were calmer, however. I want to believe that I'm comfortable with being male, though I know I've been struggling with my identity for some time, and I can't shake the feeling that these dreams stem from some deep-seated desire that I've yet to reconcile. Where I live, expressing such thoughts is liable to make me the target of ridicule and scorn, even by close family members. While I already feel like an outcast, I could do without the mockery, so I keep these thoughts to myself. I've tried fighting it, but whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I can't help but feel a pang of disgust. I can't shake the feeling that my life would be better if my hair was longer, my features lighter, my voice softer, my hips wider, that I wasn't expected to be strong and stoic and allow myself to be vulnerable. I wish I knew how to cope with this.

>>59192 Then be vulnerable and grow your hair out. A lot of those expectations to be xyz are likely coming from within you, and in reality most people don't care. It they somehow DO happen to care, honestly fuarrrk them, they're insecure too. You'd be surprised how letting go of that can often help the body dysphoria. (do not disregard me, i have sucked cocks)

Really feel like I've spent the last two or three years watching everything I used to care about slip away from me and become less able to do anything or get ahead in anything or feel inspired by anything. It feels like the film is about to end, lain.

>>59196 Sounds like depression lainanon, get some professional help if you can. For the meantime, you could start with simple stuff: Work out (hard at first and somewhat unrewarding, but after a while you will feel the difference). Eat healthy! Hobbies, whatever you like, do it. Realize and internalize that while you might not control the world, you are the master of yourself - you have agency over yourself and the world can go f*** itself if it doesn't like that.

>>59192 How old are you? Same thing happened to me 18 - 22 or so.

>>59195 >A lot of those expectations to be xyz are likely coming from within you, and in reality most people don't care. If I didn't already face criticism for expressing less "masculine" traits, I'd be inclined to agree with you. Without revealing personal information, I'll say that, where I live, men are expected to act a certain way, and deviating from that is seen as weakness (putting it lightly). I'll admit that I'm probably overthinking the severity of this mindset, but I know that embracing those less masculine traits (or embracing a more feminine identity) won't be fully accepted. >It they somehow DO happen to care, honestly fuarrrk them, they're insecure too. You'd be surprised how letting go of that can often help the body dysphoria. I could try. I like to believe that I don't care about what others think or say about me, but the fact that I'm venting about this betrays otherwise, at least in this case. >>59199 I would say I'm around that age group. What did you do?

for the past few years, i gave up hope for a better future and didn't bother trying invest in myself at all. ive failed almost every class i registered for since fall of 2020 or so (compsci major) because my plan was to just kill myself after my dad died so getting a job or even a degree didn't really matter i'm finally starting to put effort toward studying, getting certs etc after being put on academic probation and developing a very strong desire to one day be able to leave my soykafty country, but since it's such a cutthroat, competitive world out there, i'm afraid that i wasted too much time and it's too late to do anything

>>59202 There's no use worrying about the past, it's irrational to do so. I got an epiphany of sorts thinking about those thought experiments: "if you could go back in time X years...", however, we can ot go back in time, and not doing something back then is just like not doing something right now. So as a corollary, it only makes sense to do now those things you would regret not having done in the future. Anyway, you can always turn things around in just a few years.

>>59202 I'm in a similar bind, failing most everything during the past couple years, retaking classes two, three times over. Planned on killing myself for being such a fuarrrkup. But there's one thing that keeps me going: It's never too late. There's no such thing as fuarrrking up a life or career. My mom had me when she was a teen. She dropped me onto my grandmother's doorstep, failed highschool, and spent all her time partying. She got her GED a couple years later, enrolled in college, and failed god damn everything. She'd skip classes to go on dates, she just didn't care. Her GPA was in the toilet (1.x, from what I remember), and she gave up on education, instead working odd jobs that didn't really add up to a career. But just a few years ago, she felt she was in a better place and could actually put energy into studies. She brought up her GPA, got A's in most of her courses, and now she has her dream job. It took her ~15 years to get to that point. She kept the partying and instability for 5 of those before settling down. She wasn't happy during those 5 years. It's possible to have a few years filled with pain and still end up content. It's possible to delay education and still come around on top. Everyone takes a different path, and that's OK.

What will being this insane will do for me if after all my soul will be in a black box?

>>59200 >What did you do? Nothing, overall. I figured everyone is composed of the masculine and feminine and while the mind is malleable and to an extent cooperative with any tampering or demand one might place on it, the body is not and at most can be overpowered but not remade. ie, you cannot become the other sex, which I didn't really want to anyway. I am who I am, how could I not be some aspect of me? The whole thing just doesn't make sense and highlighting one's own body as a source of "dysphoria" is equally nonsensical, obviously if such discomfort exists there is something wrong with your mind (the malleable component) not the body itself. Any other eprspective is just someone who likes to "play", wants to escape, and is taking it too far. Over time I did actually continue to graduallt develop feminine traits and basically regressed back to childhood, but as another version of myself which I came to suspect was a primordial proto-feminine state which is later layered onto to become either femionine proper or masculine, etc etc etc. Regardless, other than the dreams (where I think I met and spoke to certain alters), most of it was caused by life circumstances and various sources of torment to which dissociation, disarmament, and taking on a more passive role was the only solution. And it's strange also, I feel like a lot of was done to me, or induced by something external, rather than occurring naturally. Eh, but again, I experienced a dismantling of the ego and complete deconstruction of the sense of self (to the extent I ever had one), so once you turn your "you" into a concept it becomes open to such distortion. I find women more interesting, attractive of course, and also soothing, so being essentially tortured naturally I would try to separate from my amsculinity which told me I was trapped and a failure, and would instead try to create an alter which would protect from such failures as a sort of self soothing. For example watching NGE I saw Rei as myself and though I sort of took on the perspective of all the characters, her's was the primary one. Anyway, odds are none of this makes any sense. I'm split into pieces internally and even having destroyed and lost my "self", the various parts will watch each other and the internal world which protects against a mind virus like the "trans" notion slipping in and taking over. I've gradually repaired my sense of reality and splintered mind and though I never truly became outwardly "feminine", have been rebuilding my own "masculinity". One major aspect of the problem is that I learned to either suppress or sublimate aggression (the world was too hostile and big to take on directly) or transmute it into sexual energy. I did not go down this particular branch, but I imagine it is this transmutation process of stress, aggression, need to self sooth, etc, into sexual energy, probably combined with pornography and other female fixations that feed the Anima, which eventually leads to autogynephilia. That or a man's Anima growing strong enough, and his executive function weakening enough, that it overtakes him. Point being, the inability to turn aggressive drives into something useful or to externalize them as is, is a key component. This "psychological castration" and labyrinth of double binds and associations is usually done in early childhood. eg misandry, the mother and her friends may say all men are bad then tell the child "oh, except for you". In a subset of children's minds, two things have been communicated. 1) being a man is bad, therefore for mom to not reject me (become a bad object) I should not become a man and 2) You are not a (real) man. So many factors. Anyway, for my split mind they were all strictly internal processes which I turned to use in this way or that. The trans thing is bullshit, these people have real deeper problems. I had this strange experience after being sick for many days a few years ago. I felt like all the layers had been torn away and I was looking at the void within where a self should be, I looked at my hands and they were morphing between male and female, child and adult, and I just thought to myself "what the hell am I?!?!" I stumbled outside thinking if I changed where I was, I could control who I was, but there was no escape. This alone told me everything. Lastly, being sexualized as a child or given conflicting roles (parentification, spousification), forced into traditionally feminine roles and ways of functioning, can be a factor. If you feel weak and subconsciously for whatever reason think men around you are sexualizing you, or that you aren't a real man, whatever, this can manifest as feeling like a woman. Likewise, if you don't know how to connect, or again have a more ill formed ego, lack of masculinine identity, when you interact with women you'll either treat them as a mother or a friend. If you cannot connect your sexuality to the object of your desire (a woman generally), either due to conditioning, prior trauma, fears of intimacy, not feeling good enough, fear of rejection and abandonment, then that desire will be turned back onto the self. So you'll sexualize and connect to the feminine parts of yourself instead. And all kinds of such soykaf can be happening at once. I could go on forever. Whatever, that's what I have to say about it.

I'm an extremist. Recently I've been annoyed with how stupid other extremists are. Every once in a while I like to talk to normal people and opposing extremists, I tend to learn a lot from those talks. But I was derezzed from most places normal people hang out in. Trying to deal with the stupid extremists I side with is tiresome...

>>59245 I don't know where to start, seems so much on point. I hope liberals don't crucify you. Anyhow, finally when I built up enough courage to ask my friend out, it all failed. Bit disappointed, but then again I understand she needs space and support - hence would've been early to ask. We've been deepening our trust quite a lot lately, and at least for now, I can see myself better supporting her as a very close friend than anything else, so this is what I'm doing.

>>59245 >Anyway, odds are none of this makes any sense. You're right. None of it does.

I've been trying to learn programming off and on for years now and I just can't bring myself to keep pushing forward with it. I don't enjoy it but I don't really enjoy anything else either, this would at least give me a decent career. I feel trapped between a life of soykaf paying low level jobs or life as a developer wanting to tear my eyes out from staring at a monitor for hours trying to figure out the equivalent of a logic puzzle.

>>59200 I guess this whole splitting traits and identity into masc/fem just seems absurd and pointless to me. i have this bias because I'm detrans. You do you, but my 2 cents is still you're putting yourself into box a or b. there doesn't need to be any box, though your peers or community may be convinced of it, and i get that can be difficult.

>>59265 >this whole splitting traits and identity into masc/fem just seems absurd and pointless to me >you're putting yourself into box a or b. there doesn't need to be any box If you want to have sex and make babies then you absolutely need box a and box b. And nature doesn't let you switch boxes either.

>>59266 ...okay, thanks dude, *that's what I'm saying.* gender's fake, sex is sex... to make the babies. and if you want to be ~vulnerable~ it doesn't mean you're a chick. christ.

>>59063 It simultaneously was and wasn't. I had been in long-term relationships before, however this one was unique because we had spoken about a future together on multiple occasions with a pretty united vision of what we wanted from each other, only to have that be dashed within two weeks. I'm trying to recognize the issues I had within this relationship, specifically codependency and my desire to "fix" and guide her after we had broken up, but I'm still sour over the whole thing, especially now. We were compatible in so many ways but I fuarrrked up the post-game and she's more than likely gone for good. I still think that we could've made it work. >>59121 I have and actively do that, objectively I am better off without her. Better job, alone with better spending habits, not having to worry about her freaking out over homework or going to parties and flirting, etc. I'm sort of confused on what you mean by redirecting my good feelings. What do you mean by that lainon? I have been working on myself and it is simultaneously frustrating and fulfilling. I love that I can interact with people meaningfully considering I was a NEET not even two years ago, however I can't shake the pointless feeling of everything surrounding this. I could go to bars and head home with someone but at the end of the day I still have all the inadequacies that are eating at me and actively drive me back to thinking of her. It makes me feel as if I'm competing with her instead of actually working on myself. That was a bit of a ramble, hopefully that made a bit of sense. >>59126 That's what I'm struggling with now. People have told me I'm too nice and can string people along just because I don't want to break decorum or make people feel uncomfortable or sad. I'm with a girl right now who I like very much, but I don't see a future with her just due to our age differences (She's 19 and I'm about to be 22), but I know that breaking up with her would probably hurt her so much and permanently do damage, even if we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks. There must just be something wrong with me. I've never broken up with someone, I've always been broken up with. I've always felt as if I'm just not meant to be around others just because I am an *other* myself. I just want to find my person.

>>59273 >She's 19 and I'm about to be 22 My parents have a larger age difference than that and it's never been a problem. Once you get older, you'll start calling an age difference of a mere 2 to 3 years small! Don't let that be the reason you break up.

Sometimes I have something happen to me but I don't believe its real. It feels like it was a dream very shortly after even half and hour later. This has happened to me on more than one occasion and it scares me. Just recently I was called by a recruiter for an interview and we had a 5 to 10 min chat but soon afterward I didn't believe it really happened and was unsure how to proceed. No drugs or anything, was well rested and in normal condition as far as I know. It makes me second guess everything related to it and until I see something In writing from someone else regarding it I act like it didn't happen. Its not even that I'm forgetting the details or anything, I'll remember times and dates clearly but doubt that the event itself ever really happened. It undermines my trust in any cognitive abilities I may have and stops me from taking any action. My greatest fear is not being able to separate real from fake. At that point I think none of my actions or decision will have any meaning as they are built on false predicates. I feel like I may be showing signs of psychosis or something and its manifesting slowly because if this a normal thing ive only started experiencing it this past year

>>59276 Chemtrails and electromagnetic fields, unironically. Or your sense of reality could be dissolving and blurring together for other reasons, but nonetheless, that sense of unreality you're describing is quite familiar to me. It became intense during covid in a where I felt less like I was in control of how I saw the world, and more like an empty vessel moving through a bunch of states in the world.

>>59276 Also, preemptively. I don't care about you or hearing about your pseudo-skepticism. If you want more info, refer to the links in this post: >>>/q/10905

>>59269 >*that's what I'm saying.* gender's fake, sex is sex... to make the babies. But it's not fake because there are universal strengths, weaknesses, challenges and overall game theory associated with trying to procreate as a male. And then there are a completely different set of issues associated with trying to procreate as a female. Trying to apply female mating strategies as a male is just a recipe for frustration and disappointment. Like trying to eat soup with a fork. Yes some people are weird and you might get lucky. But don't count on it. >...okay, thanks dude Did you just assume my gender? It's ok there are no girls on the internet

>>59283 we're more or less on the same page re: "universal strengths, weaknesses, challenges and overall game theory associated with trying to procreate." however, my argument is against transition and this concept of a gendered soul/essence people believe they have that makes it a "need", that it's better to "apply female mating strategies as a male" than to transition into female-- because you will never be one no matter how much you like frilly dresses and have feminine qualities. >Did you just assume my gender? my bad xude

>>59261 I feel you. Do you enjoy non-productive stuff? Vidya, films, music? If you can't bring yourself to enjoy anything it might be depression.

Just had a horrible quarrel with my 14 y/o sister. I wouldn't mind too much if this only happened once a month or so, but it happens several times a week, sometimes every single day, with her screaming at the top of her lungs, saying soykaf like "go deaf!" (I'm a musician, so she knows hearing is very important for me). She genuinely shows signs of psychopathy and I just can't bear it at this point, this has been going on for years. Years And yet you never quite get used to it We live without a father, my mother is just as tired as me, she's concerned about this but is basically helpless to do anything I can't bear this anymore. She is genuinely the worst person in my life. A 14 y/o fuarrrking girl. Really She amplified my depression maybe like several times and nullified any attempts to get better. I had already attempted suicide 2 years ago, executed everything correctly, if only there was several more hours. I'd be dead then. I'm incredibly grateful it didn't cause any permanent damage. I may try again this winter, this time with a more brutal and hardcore, but also more reliable and lethal method. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. I don't want to die I just have my limits. Moving out is not an option until I finish my uni degree

>>59287 Whenever I'm not home she'll just do the same thing to my mother. She doesn't deserve this, fuarrrk I'm crying again

>>59284 >this concept of a gendered soul/essence people believe they have >because you will never be one no matter how much you like frilly dresses and have feminine qualities If gender is not part of a person's essence, then why can they not become a woman (at least partially) by taking on feminine qualities?

>>59284 I see what you're saying. >>59291 >If gender is not part of a person's essence, then why can they not become a woman I think the point is that even if "female brain trapped in male body" is a thing then it can't be fixed with any amount of drugs and surgery regardless of how hard the people selling drugs and surgery want you to think it is. >(at least partially) by taking on feminine qualities? The message I try to get across is that it is much healthier to be honest about the things that can't be changed instead of trying to get everyone around you to partake in an shared ongoing pretense. (I'm a boy who is into girly things, healthy and honest. I want to be a girl please pretend with me and avoid reminding me I'm really a boy, unhealthy and manipulative).

>>59287 >Moving out is not an option until I finish my uni degree Sure it is. You just need to make another sacrifice like get a job or travel further or houseshare with strangers. It's hard to give advice with only one half of the story. (I'm sure in your mind you are perfect and have never done anything to trigger these fights). At least you do have a path ahead: uni -> job -> move out. And in the meantime you just need to avoid the drama and focus on your own life.

>>59287 How about going home late at night just for sleep and spend your day on campus playing sports, reading at the library or doing some research?

>>59286 Honestly I don't even know any more. I'll do things like watch youtube videos or play games for short periods but I can't even say I enjoy it, more like I'm passing the time if that makes sense. I'm definitely depressed and I've been taking meds (SSRIs) which haven't helped. Maybe something stronger would help but I don't want to be one of those people who need ritalin or w/e to function.

>>59301 I have similar problem. I have tried various meds and they don't seem to help much. I also don't get much enjoyment out of things anymore. What has helped me the most is starting to study philosophy (more specifically Plato). Also going to bed more early (before midnight) helped, too (currently, I need ~10 hours of sleep). > I've been taking meds (SSRIs) which haven't helped. Sometime ago, I made the mistake and kept on taking the meds despite they having no effect at all. Later I tried meds again and I found out lower dose is better than a higher dose (actually, I'm taking meds again because they help with insomnia). I think that the chemical imbalance theory is flawed, since no one is measuring anything outside of research. And no one can tell whether a "chemical imbalance" is the actual cause, or if mental problems will lead to a chemical imbalance.

>>59292 Girlness isn't inherent to a person, but no matter what you inherently can't be a girl, is that correct? Feels self a contradictory to me

>>59292 > The message I try to get across is that it is much healthier to be honest about the things that can't be changed instead of trying to get everyone around you to partake in an shared ongoing pretense. Lets be honest about what can be changed for a trans person: * How they dress * How they carry themselves * How they talk * Their dominate hormone, along with the myriad of physical and mental effects this has * Their genitalia— this one, ofc, is more nuanced and less reliable. (Also most people don't do it) That's… almost everything anyone ever sees of a person. You see how someone talks, acts, dresses, and their body. You can change all of that through social and medical transition. Everything you see about a person (other than when your boning them, I guess). You can trivialize that all you want to make your point, but it really is a _massive_ amount. > (I'm a boy who is into girly things, healthy and honest. If we're trying to be honest about things, "I'm a boy who is into girly things" is a sort of reductive way of saying "I'm a boy who feels more comfortable in feminine social roles, who cringes being called 'sir', is hurt whenever someone looks at me, and who hates their body for masculine traits. I don't think I can live as a boy." Gender dysphoria isn't a soft preference, it's agony solved by transition. > I want to be a girl please pretend with me And to be fair, after social and medical transition, most interactions go like: Person meets a trans man. Has no idea he was a woman as a child. They call him "sir," because why the hell not? I mean, what do you consider pretending and not? For hermaphrodites who have some weird combination of genitals, are they "pretending" they are whatever gender they choose or was raised as? Is there no good option for them, should they be treated as freaks? There is no framework that treats hermaphrodites humanely that doesn't imply the same for trans people. > and avoid reminding me I'm really a boy, unhealthy and manipulative). It's functionally similar to reminding anyone of any wound. If someone trusts you enough to tell you their baggage and you use it to hurt them… you're going to have a hard time keeping friends.

>>59305 >I mean, what do you consider pretending and not? For hermaphrodites[...] Most people are not hermaphrodites and even intersex etc people have chromosomes. Life is not a thought experiment you can use to wiggle and maneuver into a false reality, when you try to bring everything toa finer and finer grained level with "good points" like those (that you saw other people posit), you're really just trying to keep your house of cards and lies propped up. Trying to make everything more fluid and relative than it really is, because it makes you feel free (ie not trapped), and it allows you to see yourself as a concept, ie you have more control. Hence, it is just another form of self soothing. "I can be anything I want! I'm not trapped, I'm not bound, no one be me can define me!" >It's functionally similar to reminding anyone of any wound. If someone trusts you enough to tell you their baggage and you use it to hurt them… you're going to have a hard time keeping friends. Sounds like your idea of a friend contains as a primary component, someone who gives you attention and validation. You don't want to be questioned, if anyone isn't telling you what you want to hear you take it as an attack. Oh my wounds, I am so wounded, I am in need of soothing and saving! Don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

I got kicked out of school because the principal believed I was threat and now I'm spending the rest of the year in a school full of black kids who got in too many fights and gay kids who tried to kill themselves. End me

>>59307 > Life is not a thought experiment you can use to wiggle and maneuver into a false reality, when you try to bring everything toa finer and finer grained level with "good points" like those (that you saw other people posit), you're really just trying to keep your house of cards and lies propped up. It sounds like you're avoiding nuance because it doesn't favor your beliefs— addressing reality isn't "trickery." Exceptions are how we better understand rules. Intersex people and their families don't follow the "chromosome rule." That implies something. > Sounds like your idea of a friend contains as a primary component, someone who gives you attention and validation. If that's your interpretation of "not betraying someone's trust," then I doubt your ability to keep close relationships.

>>59309 You seem to be exactly where you deserve to be. Don't be shy, make some friends.

>>59311 You have no idea of the story or context

>>59310 >It sounds like you're avoiding nuance because it doesn't favor your beliefs There is such a thing as false complexity. Some things are irreducibly complex, other things there is no end result where adding complexity and attempting to generalize is valuable. You're trying to take two separate things and make them one thing in the local space, without invoking the broader ecology. Whether that be natural, psychosocial, whatever. Once you've traced out these branches you know they don't lead anywhere and don't rightfully belong on the main trunk. >Exceptions are how we better understand rules Yes, but the exceptions don't disprove the rule. Too much fixation on incorporating exceptions leads to a model that no longer even reflects the general rule. You've lost information and predictive power. >If that's your interpretation of "not betraying someone's trust," then I doubt your ability to keep close relationships. This is deflection and further indicates what I'm saying. It's black and white with you. Either they tell you what you want to ehar, and none of what you do want to hear, or you are being "betrayed" and "invalidated" and "harmed". Again, arrested emotional development. There is a middle ground.

>>59315 > There is such a thing as false complexity. Some things are irreducibly complex, other things there is no end result where adding complexity and attempting to generalize is valuable. The unitary hypothesis is complex: When faced with anything slightly outside the norm, you have to make up sub-rules, and for each sub-rule there are exceptions, then exceptions for those exceptions… The issue isn't that complexity is inherently bad (although Oculm's razor is good to keep in mind), but that most of these exceptions contradict the very foundation of the hypothesis. That's why you can't directly address the example of intersex people, and instead have to explain it away as unimportant. By far the simplest hypothesis is that gender is social and sex is biological. Examples like intersex and trans people work very easily under this model, no mental gymnastics required. There are no weird exceptions, sub-rules, or work-arounds.

>>59312 I bet everyone else there starts their defense with a similar statement as that.

>>59316 >By far the simplest hypothesis is that gender is social and sex is biological Creating this distinction is starting on the wrong premise, and is an example of trying to cram things into false simplicity in false categories (basically nature and nature). It is better seen through goals, needs, and adaptation, to which your response can either be alloplastic or autoplastic. The example of intersex people, trans people, whatever is irrelevant and fixating on the external genitalia, or the finer organization of the brain, hormone levels, whatever, is missing the point. Then you get into false self (socialization and expectation, goals, means of achieving needs), and some notion of a true self (hardwired biological tendencies). >There are no weird exceptions, sub-rules, or work-arounds. How convenient. The cluster B "I think it so it's true" "I feel it so it's real". Whatever, shadows on the cave wall, have fun.

It is misleading to group intersex and trans people together is a mistake, since they are fundamentally different: intersex means a biological difference and transsexuals are a social and mental thing. Trans people are not any different from people who believe that some part of their body is not normal. There are people who think that their arm or leg is not normal or right in some way. There even was a furry who wanted to have paws so badly that he used dry ice to cause necrosis on his hands so they had to be amputated (by this I mean that this is very serious thing and these kind of people need help). I couldn't find the right link, but here is a similar story: https://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/Health/story?id=1806125&page=1 (https://archive.is/PHPqd) >"There are others like him, who believe their bodies don't match the picture of themselves they have in their minds." Again, this is very real thing and these people need help!

>>59321 Nooooooooooo they need validation and for everyone to pretend with them! Stop fgaslighting and invalidating their reality and experience! They SHOULD have paws, they KNOW it, and you are INVALIDATING THEM. If you're not going to help remake their hands, or at the very least get rid of the offending body parts, you should just keep you BULLSHIT to yourself! Okay? Shut up unless you're telling ME what I LIKE to HEAR. GET IT, ASSHOLE?

The "sex and gender are the same" hypothesis is unfalsifiable, there is no contradiction, no evidence, nothing that could happen to make that hypothesis invalid to people that support it. That's faulty at its core. The "gender and sex are different" hypothesis _can_ be falsified. For example, if it was shown that intersex people almost invariably preferred living as the gender agreeing with their chromosome (particularly if they were raised as the opposing gender and decided to change later in life), or that trans people systematically regretted transition/that treatments other than transition were better, that'd punch a hole in the dichotomy hypothesis. You can't do that with the unitary hypothesis, because it's not rooted in observations, it's rooted in suppositions. >>59321 > It is misleading to group intersex and trans people together is a mistake, since they are fundamentally different: intersex means a biological difference and transsexuals are a social and mental thing. When arguing whether sex and gender are the same, intersex people and trans people are often lumped together because they both contradict the unitary hypothesis, even the contradictions are different in nature.

>>59321 > Trans people are not any different from people who believe that some part of their body is not normal. There are people who think that their arm or leg is not normal or right in some way. Treatments effective for people with other types of dysphoria/dysmorphia have been shown time and time again to be completely ineffective with trans people (who have a type of dysphoria). With "paws" people, therapy is effective without medical/social changes. But the only treatment shown to be effective for trans people is transitioning and social acceptance.

>>59325 >The "sex and gender are the same" hypothesis That is not what I put forward. Stop putting everything in these terms and read my post again. Really we should just discuss sex relative to behavior, emotions, and self perception. Everyone who goes on about sex and gender gives lip service to the social component, then goes on to treat gender as a hard immutable trait which describes the core essence of a person.

>>59327 >>59326 >>59325 >>59323 >>59321 >>59318 >>59316 >>59305 >>59304 Wow, what a refreshing surprise! I sure wasn't expecting yet another thread to be filled with this soykaf... again.

>>59328 You're welcome. .................................

>>59292 we started off on the wrong foot, but turns out you're pretty cool. >>59328 hahahaha, i kinda knew this would happen after my last post, but, it was a vent to be honest. back on topic: my shoulder hurts

>>58931 >I've been having these thoughts of me in the future completely alone and they scare me soykafless to the point of paralyzing me I have been feeling the same way. With my family growing older I have become more and more worried about what I will do to care for them, and how I will cope when it is only me left. I do not like how quickly time has gone by. >Doing hard drugs, or something to get "in troubles", just to see if I'll get out as a changed man. I'm not going to do those things, there are probably easier ways to fix myself, but it's nice knowing I'm not the only dumbass who had such thoughts I think there is something attractive to be able to say you went through the wringer, or were forged through misery or whatever. It is an achievement in a way. Dumbass thing to do of course, yes.

>>59328 To be honest, I anticipated that the initial post about my dream would lead to lainons having an argument about the topic of sex and gender identity, but I couldn't think of a better place on the net to vent about my issues. Everywhere else feels like an echo chamber or a haven for bots and edgy teenagers.

>>59341 Maybe people think drugs are a shortcut in that sense. But people who haven't experienced misery or hardship are boring. They either had everything handed to them by wealthy family members or took the easy way their whole lives and don't know what it means to take a risk sometimes.

(I am >>59292 I don't have time to read the other responses) >>59305 >You can trivialize that all you want to You are trivializing how easily people see through such gimmicks. And now you're back to getting people to lie for the supposed benefit of your mental health. >"..." is a sort of reductive way of saying "I'm a boy who feels more comfortable in feminine social roles, who cringes being called 'sir', is hurt whenever someone looks at me, and who hates their body for masculine traits. I don't think I can live as a boy." It's not the same thing because once you start making demands on what other people think and do then you are being manipulative and that's not healthy for either of you. >after social and medical transition, most interactions go like:... Just because you can get away with a lie doesn't mean you've destroyed the truth. The psychological angst that goes with lying to yourself and everyone you meet won't magically go away after then Nth surgery. >For hermaphrodites who have some weird combination of genitals, are they "pretending" they are whatever gender they choose or was raised as? What you're describing is a person with a health problem who puts on a public persona to make life easier. It's akin to leukemia patients wearing a wig. That's not comparable to a person who bases their entire identity on pretending to be the opposite gender and then inevitably gets upset when others fail to play along. >It's functionally similar to reminding anyone of any wound. No it's not because all people have a right to physical safety all the time. What you are describing is functionally similar to chistians insisting you praise jesus whenever you talk to them otherwise you're "invalidating their identity".

>>59347 >don't have time to read the other responses Doesn't stop you from your crusade though. This is what destroyed human communication online.

>>59347 >What you are describing is functionally similar to chistians insisting you praise jesus whenever you talk to them otherwise you're "invalidating their identity". This would be a funny word replacement meme >Make your language less christphobic >Instead of saying "good morning" try saying "praise jesus" >Instead of saying "goodbye" try saying "god bless you" >Instead of saying "it's raining" try saying "god giveth the rains"

>>59347 > No it's not because all people have a right to physical safety all the time. What you are describing is functionally similar to chistians insisting you praise jesus whenever you talk to them otherwise you're "invalidating their identity". It's more comparable to not being a gamer-gate atheist to people. I'm atheist, but most people I know are religious. Even though I think their beliefs are pretty stupid, I'm not going to be a twat about it: > Ramadan starts today, fuarrrk I'm not looking forward to fasting. > God doesn't exist, why are you making youself do that, dipshit. I've never had a religious person insist on me praising God, but I've had them ask me not to rant at them about his nonexistence, which is pretty understandable. I used to be the sort of person to rant like that, but I look back at that now and cringe.

>>59353 >It's more comparable to not being a gamer-gate atheist to people. He's obviously talking about pronouns. If random christians insisted you have to use specific words to affirm their delusions you'd tell them the shove it.

>>59355 The constant derailment of every conversation by the anti-troon inquisition is far more invasive than the troons were in the first place. It's like you're weeding the lawn with a flamethrower.

>>59356 Trans is a mind virus. You don't want it appearing without opposition, even thougha subset of the susceptible population will respond to perceived "persecution" of that group by aligning with it and doubling down in their delusions. It cannot be helped, if some hard truths and difficult questions have to be bluntly stated and seeded in the mind, so it shall be.

>>59358 If it's a virus then you have some symbiote to it. You are validating the case that they always make, that they are hated and oppressed, which makes people sympathize more. The sky is blue, this is also the truth. If someone tells me otherwise I ignore him, not follow him around with a megaphone.

>>59360 People who say the sky is other than blue are simply enjoying their own take on reality. People who are organizing to maim and brainwash children, or enable people who need real help, are doing something quite different. You're approaching this in a way which is incredibly naive, study the typical structures which emerge in families with abuse. You will find it matches the "trans" phenomena, among others, 1:1. They are the same. The microcosm shall resemble the macrocosm.

>>58747 Since other lains are being holier than thou I'll play the devil's advocate. You should become addicted to something, or at least form a habit. Be it a porn or weed habit, anime or vidya, etc. Find something that you really enjoy, perhaps crack/cocaine?, And then, don't do it... Heroin is used to make human traffic'd folk into sex slaves - They'll do anything for a fix. Next, what you can do is withhold the drug/sex/rock-and-roll then reward yourself after you've done some work-out. Have a joint, a wank or bonk in the head via comet/cumet while listening to the rock make the earth roll (quake) - maybe play some Quake? See, the thing is, that while you form a habit or addiction, you also need to have some self control. If you can't control yourself then the drug will eventually give you self control over it, or you'll die. Either way, your pain of self-hatred will end.

Just need to vent: There is no "war". Stop fuarrrking crying about the social engineering plans of the rulers. Yes, people are dying because of them. no, it's not war, get real idiots. The F22 Raptor can fry a surface to air missile (SAM) site with it's dinky portable radar. I'm pretty sure Ukraine has a giant fuarrrking energy weapon that's called something like CELLDAR. Russia is even mentioning/threatening use of a "Laser weapon" (maser-effects, yo). Folks post cellphone footage of the horrible dicksuction caused by this alleged "war"; Crimea River! The [simulated] Corona "virus" proved that you could put a wick of fire on any & every head of the "invading" forces troops and fry every soldier you didn't want in your land if you really wanted to... So no one is at war with anyone. There's no maser-effect fireballs (UFO / UAP) zooming down and torching the ranks & tanks of "enemies"? Well, then it's not a real fuarrrking war, idiots. Sure, people are dying, but that's any governmental power for you - governing your mental states with some fuarrrked up social engineering plan. Wake up, they eat sheeple, govs are wolves in sheep skins - mind cunt-troll, how dooz it warK?! Govern=Kontrol, Ment = Mind. Dew yew stink it rally exist? fuarrrk's sake, SHUT UP! Stop repeating ANYTHING you see on TV. Stop paying your attention to these asshats and live your life in blissful ignorance of the soykaf you don't want to know about anyway - until the slaughter. Like a Hindu cow that just wandered into Ragnarök. Stop telling me about "WAR" it DOES NOT EXIST. All govs are allies together against the unwashed masses. Pic: electrical demonstration performed for Royalty in a courtyard, from an etching dated 1630, hundreds of years before the masses were told about electricity (again).

>>59349 I thought it was polite to let someone know I may have missed something before they respond. But sure, jump at the chance to make a personal attack. >>59360 There is no hate here. I genuinely believe trans people are making a mistake and need a mirror to see how their behavior affects themselves and those around them. There is no oppression either. The purpose of the christian example is to show that you are actually in a position of privilege. Equal rights feels like oppression to those with privilege but it's not. >>59366 >Use your vices as rewards/motivation to get soykaf done I actually approve on this with 2 caveats. Don't seek out a new addiction, that's dumb you probably already have a suitable vice. I don't know how much self control can actual be trained and how much is just innate. This advice could just be like telling penguins to jump off a cliff to practice their flying. >>59367 >we're not nuking each other therefor it's not war Starship Troopers (the book not the movie), has a good section on the philosophy of violence. All violence has a cost and the purpose of a country's armed forces is to deploy the minimal amount of violence to get what the leaders want. That basically never means nuking everyone. You know the school bully carries a knife, that doesn't mean he stabs every kid he wants lunch money from. >the war Since you mention russia I guess you mean the ukraine war (there are other wars happening that the media doesn't tell you about). If you think about it in terms of: russia wants to neutralize ukraine as an armed threat without creating a massive iraq style insurgency right on their doorstep. That's why they are going (relatively) softly. And the US is pumping in medium-low grade equipment because an endless iraq style insurgency right on russia's doorstep is exactly what they want ukraine to be. The conflict might make more sense if you think in those terms.

>>59366 The workout is the reward. The school studying session is the reward. Trying to search for external quick fix dopamine rewards and train yourself like a pavlovian dog to perform basic tasks will only make you not respect yourself at all. When you divide everything into "chores vs pleasures" you can go and argue that life itself is one big chore.

My hobbies make me feel extremely isolated from everyone else, but I don't want to give them up and be just like everyone else because I like anime and manga and VNs and all that stuff too much. Every attempt I make to connect with people ends in failure, as either they can't accept my hobbies or have some other outstanding character flaws or just drift away. Why can't we build any meaningful connections, why can't I find anyone who'll accept me for who I am and not try to change me, why are we just doomed to obscurity and isolation? It's not even a matter of taste or elitism or whatever dumb bullshit, it's just a simple want to talk to someone about the things I love. I don't try to push it too hard nor be overbearing about it, but most of the time people are more willing to talk about the things they like, and try to dodge any conversation about my interests. I try to give up and just close myself off from everyone, but bottling everything up is so god damn hard. Why are so many of us crazy, closed off, anti-social, and alone? Is this just the fate everyone with these interests are doomed to? Is there no way to break the cycle and find real connections? Is coping harder and retreating further into these hellish shells the only solutions?

>>59383 I'm passing through similar things, lainon. IMO, the problem is more of a collective order than just personal. The collective has changed, the hive-minded has gone along with it, we're still looking for a humanity that doesn't exist anymore. >I try to give up and just close myself off from everyone, but bottling everything up is so god damn hard. Why are so many of us crazy, closed off, anti-social, and alone? If you were listened, if there was anyone willing to exchange experiences, conversation and time with you, there wouldn't be any problems, right? Besides the obvious big picture of modern society, there's not much to say about it. Most people simply like things you don't and vice-versa. I'm catching myself into this situation. I call "friends" I had for aprox. 10 years to come talk about stuff, maybe drink some beer and watch something, but when it rarely happens, there isn't much to it. Like, no humanity, no communion. Literally 3 years ago, we could simply meet, drink coffee and talk for hours. Now it's just 2 or 3 guys fiddling with their phones, talking about podcasts and showing retarded soykaf on social media to each other. This has irritated me so much I don't call them anymore, I even said to one of my friends he was acting like a basic retard and he got offended. I have a lot of deep soykaf to talk but everyone just loves to make circles while doing this same norm1e bullcrap. A few years ago, we acted like fuarrrking pirates and the nights were endless, now everyone wants to go balls deep to the very opposite we've ever wanted to be. So, when a trve kvlt group becomes a common crap in a few years, what you do? You get labeled as anti-social, irritated, isolated, etc. Groups today are cattle and cattle can't even perceive when they're being lead to the slaughter. I prefer to bottle everyone and toss it on the sewer than to waste time on this. It doesn't even look like I'm hanging out with humans anymore, I'm trying to get along for YEARS and they're like fuarrrking dead inside. I literally gave up on them forever and this is killing me. But the same way they've moved on, I'm doing it right now old-school way. >Is this just the fate everyone with these interests are doomed to? Is there no way to break the cycle and find real connections? Is coping harder and retreating further into these hellish shells the only solutions? Wasn't supposed to be like this, but subcultures can't communicate with real human interaction anymore. It's just how things became these days. Some time ago, you could meet up with people that shared the same interests IRL, do a fuarrrking club or schedule a monthly meeting or something. Most hobbies don't work like that anymore and I don't know why. I guess the only way out is to make your shell comfortable, productive and fun for yourself. Getting used to be alone in order to preserve your humanity and sanity, like Schopenhauer said, only this time is fuarrrking serious as hell.

>>58675 Why does no one understand what I try to say? Sometimes I'll joke about something the exact way normal users do and they'll look at me weird and treat me like I'm insane or a fuarrrking moron, then say something similar in a different context and they'll all laugh. Even if I say something serious that's actually fuarrrking correct, their reaction is often the same and I can't understand why. I'm not autistic, at least I think I'm not and haven't been diagnosed despite mumerous visits to a psychiatrist, so what the fuarrrk's wrong with me. Why is it always a matter of time before someone new begins to lose respect for me. It's like I have retard written on my face or something. Whatever the reason, I cannot fuarrrking integrate into society with normal people. Despite being in the military and living with 12 people in a cramped room, I still don't know how to interact with them properly, am severely socially anxious and I fuarrrking hate myself. Like, really, what is so wrong with me that it stops me from being able to do what 99% of people can do essily? Am I really insane, am I being gaslit into thinking I am insane? What the fuarrrk.

>>59388 You are thinking too much about how you are perceived. I used to do that. But after years of working on my confidence I have simply stopped, and the result has been that I am much more loose and relaxed while around people. Now, people like me, and I can even tell. I can't tell you how to do it. The only thing I can say is: Stop thinking about how you are perceived. Just stop. When you find yourself in a thought loop revolving around other people's opinions on you, just stop. When you do or say something stupid, don't linger on it. Don't think about it. Just learn from it, and move on. Good luck, friend.

>>59388 Literally this: >>59390 When I was starting to work on my confidence, I'd say to myself constantly "who gives a flying fuarrrk anyway" when I started thinking about what people thought about me. But this isn't sufficient, it's bare coping, it only serves to give you the starting ego-shock. You should at least consider what the external world is telling you, but with the neurotic excess striped down. There's a very thin line between not giving a fuarrrk and actual consideration, I honestly don't know how that would work through your specific pace. >>59383 Also, I would like to recommend you this video I know the title is kinda bland, but give it a chance. It helped me recently. Don't know how lainchan perceives this guy but some of his soykaf are really helpful. https://yewtu.be/watch?v=EfKbJA7HKkY

I'm NEET and almost a hikikomori. I have been a NEET for 5 years now. I haven't had any friends since high school. It almost feels like my house/room is my prison. I have genuine problems: my health is wreck (both mental health and my physical body as well). I'm having difficulties with expressing my opinions/thoughts and I'm starting to suffer from depersonalization. Today I made a promise with myself that I start going outside for walks at least once or twice a week.

>>59403 If once or twice a week is all you can manage, start there. Someone might tell you that's not enough but it's a stepping stone towards once a day or more. When everything was closed for the co-vids and I had no one to talk to, I just walked around all day, making multiple trips home and out again.

>>59403 Relateable. I did all the wrong things and would have rather I simply withered and died in that place, because wherever I am now it might as well be the underworld, as though I died anyway. So try to avoid that, obviously.

The last few years have been lonely so I started joining some online communities and made some friends but It's affecting my studies because I spend so much time with them. This is different than real life relationships, I will never meet any of these people in real life but somehow I just can't stop spending most of my time with them, it also doesn't help that I have an instant access to them so it's very easy to get distracted from work. Today I decided to stop, I don't know how long this will go on for but I'm hoping I won't be roped back into it anytime soon. I need to find some new ways for filling the void. But at the same time I think maybe I need those interactions and I just need to manage my time better, because I don't get along with anyone in real life and it's so draining and exhausting for me that I need to have some sort of an antidote for it, and my online interactions were that antidote.

I started working overtime early in the morning and now have no time in the evenings. It's an opportunity for a promotion soon and I'll be getting payed overtime so I'm making bank so I can' really say no because it's just too good of an opportunity but having no time fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I won't mind when I'm at work and even waking up at 4 AM has become kinda regular for me but I get back at 3:30 and have to go to bed before 9 so I'm not a fuarrrking zombie the next day. I only get around 4 hours of actual free time and spend it playing online games and watching porn. When I have to go to bed and think back what I did I feel like soykaf knowing I barely did anything for myself. I'm gonna start to work on some hobby projects this month and fix up all my bad habits that waste my time starting June 1st. I also am gonna start planning a vacation so that's something I can hopefully look forward to later on. I hope my life and time usage actually gets better and just doesn't become something that I learn to live with. wish me luck guys

I was reading a blog post from someone who posts on lainchan about imposter syndrome -- the gist of it being that imposter syndrome is just an excuse for incompetent people to not become competent -- and I've started thinking and realized that I think I'm at a point in my life where my best years are behind me and that I missed my chance to do anything with my life or thrive at all. I'm nearing the end of my 20s and I'm pretty much stuck in the same place I was when I started working, just barely scraping by (in fact I'm currently literally broke and can't eat until I get paid in like a week, so that's gonna be fun). My life is a disaster, the details of which would be too identifying to post about but suffice to say that what little I have in the way of shelter and an income are extremely precarious, and I've been trying and failing for years to try to get out of the hole that I'm in. But it just keeps getting worse, and I'm only getting older, becoming more tired, feeling stupider and more useless and sad and pathetic by the day. I don't enjoy anything anymore, and people don't talk to me unless they're forced to be around me, and I don't blame them, because I'm just a sad miserable bitter person, a shadow of my former self. I guess the point of this is that I wonder at what point does one just accept that things are never going to get better and that they have nothing else left to do with their life, and that they would be better off dead? It feels like there's this unspoken truth in everything that most people's lives are worth very little, that they're born to be serfs who will do nothing of value or have any genuine human experiences or thoughts or emotions and will die and have effectively never existed, but few would ever openly admit this and even fewer would say that a life like that isn't worth living and that the vast majority of the world would be better off dead if the average person wasn't too much of a midwit to realize that their existence doesn't matter and that life has nothing to offer them but thankless struggle. I used to think that maybe I could do something with my life that mattered in some way, to me if no one else, but I don't feel like I'm able to do anything anymore, or like I have anything left to do. I can't escape this sinkhole of poverty and depression. I've tried for years and things have only gotten worse. the worst part is that this is all purely rhetorical, because I can't really kill myself. I have responsibilities that force me to have to continue to live, which I guess is probably the other major reason why the average person doesn't kill themselves. these responsibilities don't make my life feel fulfilling, though. they feel like more pointless burdens making me more miserable. I don't even know why I'm posting this here, because I don't really want anyone to respond to me to give me some generic half-assed neurotypical advice like that I need to just start exercising or eating better (lol I'm too poor to eat better and if I tried to take a run around the block where I live I would probably get stabbed by a crackhead), or whatever the fuarrrk. I guess it's just because I don't have anywhere else to post these thoughts except anonymous chinese shadow puppetry forums. I don't want to talk about any of these thoughts with anyone I know, because it never helps anything, and I'm tired of just making the few friends I still have feel even less inclined to talk to me by being a depressed glitterboy all the time

>>59419 That's not what impostor syndrome is at all. It's when very competent and proven individuals still doubt their worth. Someone wins an oscar and quietly thinks to themself "I don't belong up here, I don't deserve to be among these stars, I faked it all". That is impostor syndrome.

>>59426 That's entirely beside the point

>>59417 Good luck Lain Good luck Lain

>>59419 If you study success stories you find people who made it even late in their 60s after failing before. Its only really over when you give up. There are also studies on motivation that showed they could affect how well people performed by telling them motivation is limited resource or telling them its limitless. tldr positive mindset boosts success rate, dont handicap yourself.

>>59419 >I was reading a blog post from someone who posts on lainchan about imposter syndrome -- the gist of it being that imposter syndrome is just an excuse for incompetent people to not become competent -- and I've started thinking and realized that I think I'm at a point in my life where my best years are behind me and that I missed my chance to do anything with my life or thrive at all. I wrote that article. Don't feel so bad about it. As I wrote, the matter of proving the absence of innate ability lies in its treatment. >I guess the point of this is that I wonder at what point does one just accept that things are never going to get better and that they have nothing else left to do with their life, and that they would be better off dead? Tautologically, one accepts that when one accepts that. >It feels like there's this unspoken truth in everything that most people's lives are worth very little, that they're born to be serfs who will do nothing of value or have any genuine human experiences or thoughts or emotions and will die and have effectively never existed, but few would ever openly admit this and even fewer would say that a life like that isn't worth living and that the vast majority of the world would be better off dead if the average person wasn't too much of a midwit to realize that their existence doesn't matter and that life has nothing to offer them but thankless struggle. I agree, but even those people can have some value. Besides, merely recognizing this puts one a notch above those who don't. Why grieve about it? >I used to think that maybe I could do something with my life that mattered in some way, to me if no one else, but I don't feel like I'm able to do anything anymore, or like I have anything left to do. Try writing poetry, or stories. >I don't want to talk about any of these thoughts with anyone I know, because it never helps anything, and I'm tired of just making the few friends I still have feel even less inclined to talk to me by being a depressed glitterboy all the time I don't think less of those closer to me for feeling such things.

I'm approaching the six month mark since my friend presumably killed himself. I just can't move on. I still miss him every day and the feelings only seem to get more intense. I thought this was supposed to get easier with time.

I want to live a life fully immersed within computer generated sexual imagery. I want to live a life fully immersed within my niche fetishes. But there's nobody within my Western First World culture who lives lives like this. I really really like the dedication of the Otaku in Japan towards their fetishes, but I cannot find an equivalent here. 'Nerds' in the west are obsessed with normal person little kid things like Star Wars, Marvel movies or Shounen Anime, and watch corporate pornography, and I do not feel connected to those people at all. All corporate normal person garbage. But in Japan, 48% of the Otaku industry in 2007 (according to English Wikipedia) was dedicated towards Doujin, or self-published works. I don't know what percentage of these works are fetish related or R18, but I assume it would be pretty high. This is just another desire of mine among many that causes me to feel very lost within my society.

>>59288 >>59287 How about giving her the old titanium enforced pimp backhand slap? That might calm her up a bit, she obviously is lacking a strong male role model in her life, just as you do

>>59367 Love the 21st century schizoid rambling, absolutely loving it. Reminds me of myself from when I was younger. Life and everything in it is crap, sure. One suggestion though, you can't fix the WHOLE world, just focus on your little niche and community around yourself. You seem like a nice smart bloke so you might even push yourself to go for the whole enchilada and fix the whole world if you're up to it to be honest.

>>59367 >>59448 Schizotypal more, actually, mixed those 2 up Btw if you're too young for psychologist go for physical excercise and meditation Nothing is black and white son, and you fixing yourself up and fixing people and things around you will help you, truly and honestly. (I don't own TV or watch soykaf that is happening with Ukraine or Johnny Depp)

I don't even feel like posting this now that I've typed it up, because it hits me right in the "captain obvious" cringe center of my brain, but someone out there might not have realized this soykaf yet and this could help them. I've been living off of long-term investments since 2019, I am no longer a wagie. The more I have dived into the world of tech investing, the more I have learned that everyone I have networked with, in order to get this far, was akin to a carnie running a booth at a fair; that I am a puny fool of minimal use to any company aside from squatting marketcap real-estate and endorsing my aleatory niche for gullible newcomers to replace my liquidity. My "job" is to convincingly lie to myself in order to make lying to potential newcomer investors a more "authentic" interaction, I run a tiny carnie booth at the fair now. All loyalties, venture cap groups or online investment community hierarchies are founded upon mutual compromise, shame, or a shared formulaic exploitation of newcomer ignorances, throughout every layer of the onion. normal people excel in environments where everyone is pretending, the middle layer of every sector of business is made up of clueless would-be dentists, people who unironically play tennis or brag about their wives browbeating them into debt. They are self-important and vulnerable little ego demons. If you are among them, you are in a kill room where sociopaths posing as normal people will extract your time and money in return for an "informed investor" social status, allowing you to abstract your hit-or-miss income into a string of bullshit lines of credit and white lies to tell women. Avoid every single normal person that you encounter in the investment world, even if they are just posturing as such, they are playing a losing game in order to simulate a station in life. If you are investing alongside anonymous people, among them are guys who will send you malware during banal interactions in order to steal your logins. If you're in long term tech investing at all, there are guys who will start investment fund groups to make mid-level guys feel special, get them to fill seed rounds for their incompetent friends' payroll accounts, and then slowly let them realize that they've invested in a little nerd mafia in a legal grey area that makes recourse impossible. "legitimate" larger entities in the financial world are oftentimes forced to be there, they are successful scams that outgrew their dumping by founders and early money because of internal talent attracting fresh capital. This internal coding/dev talent is 99% of insider information. The entire startup sector hustles and fights over a handful of talented individuals and over incompetent devs who competently pose as sacred cows (because they can generate investment throughput all the same) If you decide to live off of investments, avoid entanglements. There is ZERO reason why you would be special enough to have access to something good as a member of the general public. All of this soykaf also applies to crypto, which might be the most exceedingly obvious thing I've said so far. If you can, doxx and dig into every single person that you regularly interact with, and be amazed at how many felony-level frauds are accredited.

>>59449 Schizotypals are knowers. Everyone else has a elsser degree of knowing. I am a based schizotypal who is constantly running circles around cringe reality-cvcked norm!es, despite the probable cognitive deficits present, as you can read about in the literature.

>>59449 Also, while the caricature in that image is stereotyped and vastly overdone, some of the details are amusingly accurate, like the pattern on the socks being different. I used to do this with gloves when I was maximum schizo'd, and other clothing (usually high contrast, like combining white and black). there's no real thought behind it, it's just something you do. Lain is a schizotypal and there are several examples of this in the show, like wearing the bear hat to the club. It's not just to symbolize childishness, it serves as an anchor. Schizotypals will often use clothing or external objects to modulate their internal state. I've not researched it, but I suspect the schizotypal views clothing and their environment as part of their body. Part of the origin of the anxiety is that there is some level of awareness that objects / people have a will apart from your own. Compare this to NPD for example, where there is diminished if not zero (activce) awareness that other people are separate from one's own mind. Then the criteria of musings with no internal resistance, "rumination".

I put weed in my food but I think its been making me depressed. Except I got it to combat boredom but then ruminate over things that probably didnt bother me as much at the time. I'd stopped for nearly a year and now Im doing it again, guess I should not buy anymore.

>>59471 I had the same experience with weed. 1 or 2 days after smoking I would descend into a depth of depression where I could abrely bring myself to move or make eye contact, and strongly wanted to kill myself. I get a bit, not nearly to that extent, of the same effect from kava, which also contains compounds which act on the cannabinoid system. So I do think there is a connection in suspectible people.

>>59440 Sounds like translating H-games would be a good hobby for you. There are people outside the mainstream "Nerd" community who appreciate anime games (even erotic ones) and their numbers can only grow, given the creative stagnation evident in modern AAA titles. You should do everything in your power to grow the fetish weeb game community in the west. Best of luck to you.

ive "gone sober" this was originally because ive just been saying yes to everything and a doctor reccomended this 8 week abstinence program. its been easy to do, and while i doubt il never do drugs again il probably never drink again or at least always see it as not the right move. i honestly had already quit for two weeks just on my own before even starting the program, ive had no cravings or urges even when offered or around people drinkinh because like in the past with other substances i used heavily, alcohol just has become something with too many negatives for me. This is besides the point but im not even sure im really the type of person this program is meant for. I kind of always say, do something like this program or just stop way before a substance is ruining my life and i tend to not pick it back up. Something clearly has kind of changed in me as every single day for the past few months ive mostly been doing entirely productive things. I pray its not just cause summer is here. On the other hand its now apparent to me exactly the reasons I started drinking. I am so emotional now, im paranoid around losing people or people being in danger. I had a very close friend that maybe half a year ago I decided not to cut off really but kind of be like you need to talk to me more if you want to remain close because im tired of you only popping up every 3 months and then dissapearing again. This is maybe the 3rd time ive had this fight with her, everyone I know had told me forever they thought she was bad news. my friends/partners always dont like her. sometimes i dont even like her because I get kind of grossed out about how obsessive she is with her new boyfriends. In fact unprompted this last argument she said she wasnt being antisocial just because of her boyfriend as apparently other people brought that up to her. I didnt care, cause I try not to think about that aspect of her. Anyways then I removed her on social media not to be like dont talk to me but because she has a habit of thinking social media interactions are keeping touch. Now I realize she probably took it though as im done with her. And I kind of decided that was okay, I dont really believe shes like how she is with me "with everyone" which is what she says when its been brought up. I think I stress her out for some reason and always have, and so I decided this was not just the right thing for me but probably for her as well, that for whatever reason in the 5 years weve known eachother she just cant be upfront about that. And until ive stopped drinking I kind of was at peace with it and forgot about her. But lately ive become obsessive about her kind of. I mean for one im realizing us not talking for this long probably could have been entirely avoided and I think I acted out of line. I think its probably unlikely I was the sole person shed be just distant for months and rhen incredibly close for a few weeks, as im remembering everyone including her childhood friend who was her roomate mentioning this being an issue they have with her. I kind of think its unlikely she secretly always just wasnt having fun hanging out with me cause it seems like we had too much fun for me to be misreading it that bad, and sometimes she would have me over at her place for weeks and one time got upset I wasnt being present while I was over cause my mind was on other stuff. On top of all this I dont have an issue with other friends i only see like once every few months, its just her and I think its because I have some kind of complex around her reminding me of my older cousin who was like my first and only friend who suddenly moved away when i was like 12. I think my friends dont like her because it seems like shes always causing me grief to them but its kind of entirely self inflicted grief. Its also cause shes been very defensive about me to each of them in just social media interactions and to my friends it seems like why does she act like she cares so much online but then never visits you in reality. but ive developed a bit of an ego I think and I simply refuse to even just text "I dont hate you or anything im still here". I cant convince myself thats the right thing to do even really now. And my inability to do that is probably why im obsessing. I could have my resolution right now probably, if I just texted or called and explained, whether thats its finally over or lets hang out again. Instead ive been engaging in just some of the most delusional magic thinking esque behaviour and hoping it will lead to them contacting me instead its insane. I think ive created almost an entire little mythos in my head around them and see them almost like someone I need to "win" against just in life, and I wonder even too I think it might motivate me a lot in my daily life that sort of imagined competition where when im doing better than them its like punishment for what I feel is them abandoning me. And I wonder if im scared to lose that and maybe other things ive built up that require her to be away and not in contact with me anymore. On that note too the way I know how shes doing or if im doing better is cause the other insane obsessive thing I do is check her social media every day despite unfollowing/soft blocking her on everything. She somehow came up in conversation and my current girlfriend who used to hate her said something like "are you really not gonna talk to her ever again? you guys always get through moments like this and make up". I dont know, im venting here about this and ive typed a lot but at the end of the day I live regardless of this little thing. I have bigger concerns that I recognize and yes myself see as bigger concerns, but I know how il have to deal with those. This one I dont talk about, my thoughts on it ive kept to myself, and I have no idea how il resolve it or if I will. I couldnt really say if its even a good idea to or not, I might be benefitting more in the way I want to benefit by keeping things like this.

First time posting in a thread like this. Thank God there are anonymous places like this, couldn't bear to express any genuine feelings to people I know. What has been said cannot be unheard, I wouldn't want to risk people having a low opinion of me. Maybe this is part of my problems. I fuarrrked something up today. What it was is unimportant, it isn't so much that I fuarrrked up that I hate so much as it is my reaction to it. There was nothing that I could do once it was done, but I felt as though if I hated myself enough afterwards it would be some sort of penance which would resolve me of my fuarrrkup. Now that I'm a bit removed from my initial reaction, I still hate myself, but not for the fuarrrkup so much as for my self-hatred after the fact. Not so much hatred now as shame. fuarrrking up like I did is childish, but so is having a reaction like that. I know there was nothing I could do after fuarrrking up that would make any amend, and yet I get it in my head that somehow beating myself up about it somehow makes it better, when it helps nobody, least of all me. It is onanistic, I feel like a self-flagellating idiot. The ideal would be not fuarrrking up, but I wish I could manage my reactions to these sort of things. This happens a lot - I fuarrrk something up, even just a tiny bit, and then get angry at myself and sulk around for a good bit, and then feel ashamed for sulking around like a child. I wish I could examine things coolly and rationally, rather than get emotional about them. Typing it out helps a bit, I guess. A problem of mine is not opening up about these things.

How do you handle having a depressed GF lainons? I love her so much, I want to make her happy. She's not suicidal or anything, at least not since I've known her (about 3 months), but she doesn't have the mental fortitude to do simple things like clean her room. I want to encourage her to seek therapy because I'm no good at helping with these kinds of feelings. I'm sort of a naturally optimistic and simple person. I can only offer her support and comfort and gentle pushes. She has no IRL friends besides my friends, and her family is not great to her (although not abusive at all, as she tells it).

Back in early 2018 I joined an roleplay (RP) server I'll be calling X for a game I won't name. It was my second time becoming active on X after a short first stint a few years prior. I loved RPing on X back then, it was active and eventful, the lore it had was great, and overall it had more character than other servers. However X struggled to grow the play base and it slowly declined each year. When I rejoined in 2018 it had ~250 people online during peak hours, now it can barely break past 100 players. It also didn't help that the owner is an egomaniac who only let the most loyal boot licking yes men join staff. Eventually I left it in early 2020 and joined a friend on another RP server that had a similar player base, but was growing, Y. Y was more democratic in how it was managed and had a less toxic environment than X, but the lore was more generic, harder to follow, and it had survival elements which I hated, I wanted to RP not play an MMO. I quit by the end of 2020 because I was burnt out of RPing. Well 1.5 years later I remembered those two servers exist and I want to get back into RP but I remembered the problems both had and conflicting feelings about each server. X is still toxic and ran by the same egomaniac, while Y is still MMO like and the following the lore is still just as confusing. As I mentioned X is barely breaking past 100 players for peak hours, while Y is easily breaking past 200 players for peak hours. I also have a stronger connection with X as I have more memories on it. However when a major corpo acquired the game I deleted my account, I also wasn't using it at the time so I didn't want a paper weight to remember and I don't want an account with them. It kills me since not only are both X & Y have issues that make me not want to join either one, but I have to give my data to a corpo to even connect to whichever one I do pick. There are other RP communities out there, but they are either owned by a corpo, only exist on Discord, or are barely active. I wish the game's creator fulfilled their promise to make the game FOSS.

I hate how I'm never going to know if I was actually in hardcore psychosis after the hell and trama my last years of college were or if I was getting mentally fuarrrked with and gaslighted. It took me a few years to get over most of the CPTSD, with only one of them me being able to really work on it cause I finally wasn't living with those assholes and I finally seperate myself from my family for a year. A couple years have past and I talk to my family now and everything, but I still have some resinentment twords them and fear I'm never going to move past the events of the past. The worse is the lingering fear of being blacklisted or brought to court. I just wish I recorded people when everyone was being so weird. At least if I did I'd be able to know if I was crazy or not. It was so long ago that any social media evidence is gone. anyways. I'm going to have to start putting myself out there on the job market soon, which is probably why this fear is resurfacing strongly again. Part of me just wants a job in web design as a, "fuarrrk you, I succeed you couldn't stop me". The other part is cause I've always loved computers/technology and I want a job like that. I used to cry when I watched tech related stuff or even movie analysists stuff cause it reminded me of my time and hell st university. I had to to basically do exposer therapy to myself to not panic or cry from things that used to bring me joy. I just want this all behind me.

>>59612 if she's depressed to a debilitating extent then she honestly shouldn't be in a relationship. they really only work when both people have their soykaf together. but that's just my opinion

I'm not sure if race and culture are all that important, but I've been feeling really bad about being, at every level of my being, a cosmopolite. I don't feel like I belong to any particular culture or tradition, and physically I am a product of generational racemixing. I understand bits and pieces of every culture and yet can't relate, and my apperance belongs to no particular "phenotype", I "kind of" look like this and this and that, and at the same time I don't look like any ethnicity at all. I don't feel like I belong, basically. I never really gave it much thought, I've never been discriminated against, but it's making me sad nonetheless.

>>59668 The fault for "not fitting in" or "finding the culture to relate to" is not your own. In the last hundred or so years (arguably longer) a cultural identity has simmered down to that of the exterior. Other people's perception is the only indication for cultural involvement, if you're part of the tribe or not. Absolutely none of the people claiming to stand or be a part of a culture truly feeling a sense of belonging. It's an act to build up a brand.

I really need to stop masturbating in the toilets at work but I love the feeling and thrill of it. I am going to get caught eventually given how thin the walls in here are but I keep slumping back into the habit, just came buckets directly into the toilet bowl thinking about my boss's stockinged legs when I should have been preparing for a meeting

I should feel incredibly lucky that I am a male with a female partner that makes enough to support me as I work on my art Growing up, I was told that i was lazy, or a burden if I didn't have a job. Anything I could get. But every job I had made me suicidal. The dysphoric cycle of self hating worthlessness and suicidal slavery still haunts me in the form of a deep seated guilt. My partner loves me unconditionally, but I feel like only a ball and chain- a burden to her. My mental health has improved immensely since meeting her, my art has improved and grown, I've made new friends and found new stability by focusing on her instead of the news or endless scrolling. Mindless gaming. Trawling the most extreme threads for anything that could tickle my frail dopamine receptors. I've come so far. But the guilt is consuming. I don't sense even the slightest resentment for me from her, but I feel like there must be something Im missing here. I feel like I don't deserve this, and that I am committing a sin. I feel others judge me as lazy or a freeloader. The insane focus on money where my /root is dystopic, and impossible to keep up with, at least for me. I want to be better, but I don't even know how. Maybe my game will sell well, and money will not be an issue for awhile. Maybe I'll have a brain aneurysm before we get married, so I can fade away and she can have someone she deserves and skip the burden of burying me. Maybe she'll finally realize she could have so much more comfortable of a life, if she didn't have to pay for my meals and deal with my faults.

Smoking relaxes but it makes me want to vomit right after. Day's been bad. I hired my friend to draw a few sprites for a game I want to make. It hit me when I realized that seeing how expensive it is I won't be able to carry this thing to a finished state out of my pocket. It would be stupid to do so because I have no way of knowing if I get a return on my investment. These few sprites are only for me to hit the ground running and have a reason. When I spend money on something I'm more likely to dedicate time towards it. Once I got the art it's on me and my ability to finish as much as I can of the game before I approach an artist again. I have all the time in the world and when I'm done I have nothing but royalties to offer for a thing that may flop. Thank God it's not my livelihood on stake. I meant it to be a hobby thing I could work on when there was nothing else to work on, something I could be passionate about and have fun with. Think of the Cave Story or Lisa-dev. I don't know how to let go and just think of something as a hobby though. I always think how the end-result is going to be, how people will respond to it and if they'll like it or not. I can never relax enough to follow my own instinct stubbornly without giving in. I cannot be assertive. It bothers me that my friendship with her is still overlaid by constrained politeness. I don't know how to get to a feeling of being casual and close friends. If I talk to them too much it'll be trite quickly. If I don't it'll dry things out while others have an easy time just chatting up without a single doubt in their mind, putting another person at ease and loosening them up. What's creeping beneath all this is still my feeling of inadequacy about all the future plans and my current situation. I recognize myself in a terrible state of desire and self-consciousness. I feel like soykaf. All I think about is the things I need to excel at and that it's possible. Then I go and try and it appears entirely insurmountable. I see a project I want to contribute to and the build breaks and there is absolutely no way of figuring out where to go from there. At least for me. I don't know how to go from there. I don't have anyone to ask either. Googling doesn't help when you have an incredibly precise cmake-error. Sometimes I think about going on some irc and trying my luck but my github's under my real name. When I think about how all I say is only about me, I feel like soykaf. During very dim moments it comes to mind that I could have talked about this with my ex before I dumped her but then I soon remember how it was never of any use. There is no money in the world that would make me get back together with that cynical bitch. Every-time she talked soykaf and judged the actions of other people I saw myself reflected in her curses. It's been that way with my sisters too. I spent too much time around judgmental people and never had the opportunity to be myself unconditionally. I can't express myself genuinely out of fear of rejection. Or so my therapist said.

>>59670 Very rooted to the ground behavior but did you consider you might have a problem? You're acting out your fetish even when you're aware it could lead to you getting caught. And getting caught won't lead you to anything good. Sure, she must have hot legs, but is it worth it to put yourself on the line like that? Do you also consume pornography while doing it? It could be related to a high porn use. Stay safe and do it at your home.

>>59681 I know its an extremely bad habit but it seems to have become habitual very very quickly, I guess because its both pleasurable and relieves stress which is something I don't have a lot of other options for at work. I am trying not to do it but I will find myself going to the bathroom for legitimate reasons then losing concentration and just kind of ending up doing it. If my coworkers were less infuriating to be around maybe I wouldn't be doing it at all.

In my pursuit to separate the wheat from the chaff I've come to hate everything and everyone and my ability to feel pleasure has greatly weakened. I doubt the quality of all things and media around me, and I focus a great deal on everyone's drawbacks. Sad.

>>59737 Conquer them, Lain. I will never again be subject to the small, weak, and stupid.

>>59287 Psychopath imouto? That's hot. I wish I had a cute psychpath sister that would be trying to murder me in my sleep.

>>59287 I agree with >>59753 instead of fighting you shold seduce and fukc her

>>59757 You can't seduce and fuarrrk your yandere sister. She has to be in the dominant role. She has to fuarrrk you while she is torturing you to death. So hot.

>>59753 >>59757 >>59760 The fuarrrk is wrong with you people lol got damn Dude should fuarrrk her yes, but not with his dick. Get her arrested, hooked on pain pills, committed, something to get her the fuarrrk out of society asap. Bitch is gonna kill more than OP if she's allowed to go on and deserves absolutely no remorse, at least if OP is a glitterboy.

28 and nearing advanced wizardry (kissless, handholdless, you know the work) because I'm too "superior" (inb4 "you're [possibly] wrong", assume I'm not) to relate to anybody; relatively attractive looking, well trained body, 165 cm manlet though, so my mind can't easily let go and allow me resignation. Did anyone in a similar situation managed to let go? Does the pain ever go away? For now, it fluctuates with intense week long periods; summer blues together with no air conditioning thus bad sleep really goes "well" with it. Unrelated pictures, just a relatively unknown manga I find fun.

>>59615 >2018 among us? also my question is it a 3d thing? I've been thinking of devving a RP game like amongus/SS13 or similar for a certain imageboard community. >>59287 some people are just weak at coping with stress. in turn these people become violent just like your sister. someone playing adversarial role in your life should give you less motivation to suicide. as for your problem, it probably has something to do with either too much rf-emf exposure (plus too less anti-oxidants to counter it so I recommend taking anti-oxidants) and/or that you have too much ambition (and think you're not making your ideal life). just don't give a fuarrrk, what other people think. your peers, your college people, your local people. don't care about them and don't compare yourself, most of those people will never be relevant in your life years from now. dwell in future.

>>59767 I haven't read the manga yet but the live action series for this is fantastic. I think it's on Prime video, idk I pirated it.

i was addicted to benzos and stopped by myself, i was addicted to amphetamines and stopped by myself, i was addicted to methamphetamines and stopped by myself, now i beat drinking. I actually went to a group reccomended to me by my doctor just for kicks, id already stopped a week prior. Its been a month now, I dont relate to any of them in the group for the most part when it comes to the difficulty or struggle, and I question if im even or ever was addicted to anything. Its not particularly important. Each time i put something away its like I feel like I explored it and it wasnt leading me to anything of interest. I can think a lot longer term now and am more patient, but I think theres a part of me that thinks it wont feel complete until ive gone too every depth like even jail and come out the other side. Immediately after college I moved to the worst area this side of the country, and its not like im tough or something. If I get bothered on the street I dont look like some cool badass or intimidate my way out of anything, I kind of just talk and act like I dont know what people are getting at and usually thats kind of disarming and the person just talks with me or leaves me alone, maybe makes a joke even at my expense. For the most part though I get along well with all the sort of just regulars on the street as in like il say hi and we talk but I never really get too involved. The addictions are kind of similar that way, I dont really have any willpower at all. Ive never had a sponsor, I never had to work a program. Its just that I reach a point where when I think about it I dont really want to do whatever it is all that much. Ive got no real idea how im perceived except from person to person in instance to instance. I only just kind of even have a clear idea of what I look like cause my partner is always sending me pictures of us. Whats ironic is that teachers and friends have always said that im really true to myself or that also one person said I speak as if things are unegotiably as im saying they are and that its "kind of admirable but could easily come off wrong" or something like that they didnt really elaborate on. But im actually not certain of anything at all. Even stuff id speak really strongly about like political stuff I dont really think its some sort of fact of life im on the winning team or more rational im just speaking for what I know would keep me and mainly my loved ones safe and I know, except for the freaks who just kind of see the world through screens so its all a big game, that thats what most other people are doing. In that way I guess maybe I come across as unegotiable cause if someone wants to argue with me I just kind of let them say whatever and ignore it, maybe not talk to them again. Its not cause im so certain im right though its just theres nothing to be right about to me. I get angry all the time though honestly ive noticed especially now that ive been like totally sober for some months. I got in an irritated fit the other day so bad just from soykaf I kept seeing online and little comments people made and even just hearing my housemates in the kitchen that I had to cancel some plans to cool off. Like theres definitely things i find disagreeable, but its personal not about my worldview being the right one. That might even make it worse, like weve got this guy in one of my therapy groups that talks too much and keeps linking these self help soykafty videos that I know the channel and know it subtly pushes a certain agenda. He also got all oh you shouldnt watch TV I work out everyday on this girl whos biggest problem is work stress and like being able to sit and watch TV for a few hours and relax was like an accomplishment she was sharing. I just left I couldnt take it anymore, like I wanted to kill this guy really and stuff like that happens all the time. I dont even have a face to place him cause its online therapy and he calls in but I still imagined just smashing his head into a wall over and over. My point is just like in spite of all the above im also not some zen person whos above it all though I probably wish I was. Ive only just started meditating like seriously actually and its been a big help I try to just do it now whenever things get too intense and im just in my room. I have a designated spot for it im hoping to just have it where I instantly say in the morning when im all dazed and confused I go straight to it or when I dont know what to do next go straight to it. Im just kind of spewing what comes to mind. Lifes been both more interesting lately and requiring more patience than ever, theres a lot of things id like to do that im simply having to wait for at the moment and will for just like another month probably. In the mean time ive just been kind of working on solo side project stuff that I hope my work I put in for is showing, as while I have more free time than ever im actually probably utilizing it all more than I ever have. Which reminds me ive been realizing how many free zoom type lecture stuff there is for various subjects since the pandemic, and ive been meaning to start being proactive about like listening when someone mentions that sort of thing and going. Im just remembering thats something I wanted to do now, so this post wasnt all for naught. Its bed time for me soon but I wrote it down so il remember I think.

Having to work for the rest of my life is genuinely making me suicidal. I hate this I hate that I have to spend so much time and energy working on things I don't care about. I want to draw, for the rest of my life. But I can barely do that anymore. If I'm not working on my art why am I alive? I wish I was born into some family that's so rich I'd never have to work for the rest of my life. Or was born a woman, like my sisters, where I can live dependent on my parents/a husband and they'd never mind. There isn't even any kind of social security or safety net in this government. Not even disabled people get support payments or anything... What the fuarrrk is wrong with this country? I genuinely feel hopeless, like >Oh, I'm working now >Guess my life is over I died and never even knew it.

I hate how men aren't allowed to like cute things in mainstream society I am a guy, I work out, own tools, dress relatively normally, blah blah blah, I buy one teddy bear from IKEA and everyone starts to treat me like I'm mentally disturbed. Its a stuffed bear, its cute and cuddly, it keeps me company while I work from home, I don't get what the big issue is. Like why am I allowed to love watching endless films about war and violence and gore but I'm not allowed to like watching sailor moon and have a teddy bear without getting soykaf for it?

>>59776 I feel you man My favorite manga ever has a dude getting ripped apart by giant lizardman in an incredibly gorey scene - no one bats and eye I watch Yuri on Ice and say I liked it - suddenly I'm a prancing lala homo gayman

>>59768 Among Us was more in 2020. The two severs I mentioned have been around since the early 2010s. But yes it was in 3D.

I work in a small factory as an alternative of military service. I guess this isn't common for most countries. Anyway, the reason I still work for this soykaf factory is for what I said before. not my own will 'cuz I don't want to go to military of this country. So I planned to run away from this place when the time is done. But sadly, my father went to prison recently that means there're nobody who earn fuarrrking money for my family if I run away from this soykaf factory. >But you can get better or another job. I'm not sure about that. Also If I can find one, but there's big loss of money while I waste my time for finding and getting job. My family is fuarrrking poor even though there're many members. I don't want to blame my father and grandfather, but I can't understand why they had many fuarrrking child even though you guys are fuarrrking poor people. Back to the topic, I really worry about the future, should I run away from current factory or not. The best thing is finding another job while working in this factory at the same time... and I can do it whether I can get another job or not. But, I don't have to do this soykaf if my father didn't go to prison. *sigh* I'm going to smoke tobacco now. I hate my life. Most money what I did save are stolen(more formal; my father *borrowed*). There's nothing what I have now and It will be.)

>>59776 The teddy bear thing could be creepy if you cuddle with it, but not because of any man/woman duality thing, but more of a child/adult one. For anime and manga, I'll honestly say that as long as you're transparent about it, with complete confidence when talking about it (a bit) to normaI users, you're not going to get a negative attitude even if you like Lucky Star or K-On! >>59778 >I watch Yuri on Ice and say I liked it - suddenly I'm a prancing lala homo gayman So, what's wrong with this diagnostic? =)

>>59784 Well I don't snuggle with him or talk to him or anything but I do sometimes cuddle him when watching films or shows, like holding a cushion or pillow or something, just bear shaped. Most of the time he just sits on the sofa behind me in my office and makes the place look less austere He's just really comfy to hold

>>59782 > not my own will 'cuz I don't want to go to military of this country What country are we talking about?

>>59785 Well, I guess you can understand such a reactions to that, even if in your case, there's nothing "psychological" about it. I mean, be honest, would you be completely comfortable yourself seeing a grown man clutching a teddy bear? Suspicion of "issues" should be automatic; but only suspicion. I'm the same way with my daki, I use it when it's not summer to sleep better (and warmer in winter), but I don't treat it as more than a pillow with a pretty character print.

>>59787 I don't do that around other people, the most others have seen is him hanging out in my webcam background and one person saw him when they were over at my house. I'm not going to cuddle a toy animal in front of other people, I have more social graces than that

>>59790 Socially unacceptable security blanket for an adult.

>>59792 would you opine that its bad to keep such a toy from your childhood around ? this is the context I've usually seen people keeping them. don't even need to cuddle but its a bit of a reminder of your past, as with many mementos.

>>59792 Don't care, also my bear disagrees and says you're cringe and probably a scat fetishist I think the entire standard is stupid, I am going to continue to have a teddy bear and I am going to continue giving him hugs when I am alone and feeling slightly stressed, and there's nothing you or the military industrial complex can do about it

>>59776 I know how you feel. I sleep with a plushie, but few know, and my parents don't give me crap about it.

>>59798 I should clarify that I do not fuarrrk the bear

>>59799 impressive self control you have there, lain.

>>59800 Why thank you, the bear and my psychiatrist agree

>>59793 That's not the topic, and it's such a broad modulatory and organizational matter that it's pointless to even discuss it. OP asked how he is seen, that's how he is seen. A child in an adult's body. An adult which is either regressing or clinging to infantile traits. This excessive self soothing implies underlying issues. >>59795 You obviously do care.

People just piss me the fuarrrk off some times

There's too much doomerism in the world today, online and off. I would wear a red hat that said "Make Optimism Cool Again." Some enterprising folks should make one.

>>59784 >So, what's wrong with this diagnostic? =) I don't think you necessarily have to be gay to enjoy a good story or romance, even if the characters happen to be male There's a massive rift between reality and fantasy

>>59829 >Romance novels >Even if it's heterosexual You'll have to post a bit louder we can't hear you from that deep in the closet

>>59786 Slav, most certaintly.

Keep your teddy bear, but also buy a gun.

>ask girl from work out for the first time in a while >says no >goes from being friendly to making fun of me i did it to myself, but i thought I want a girlfriend, i should just stop being afraid and just go for it instead of giving up and continuing the cycle of liking a girl but never talking to her, i broke it and now it backfired on me, hopefully moving on from this job in a few months and when i get a fresh start I won't be a retard,i won't delude myself anymore.

>>59888 Everybody knows it but ignores it, but there is a reason why people should avoid dating people from work/school. Next time do not try it with people that you are forced to meet daily, and you don't have to move from the job due to a "mistake" like this, which is not really a mistake. Men are expected to make a move, but then blamed by it when rejection occurs, but it is as much her fault as yours.

>>59888 standard behavior theory would have predicted this result. the solution is not to care; she's testing you and thinks you might be weak enough to care. Currently looks like she's right. Man up glitterboy.

>>59890 > she's testing you and thinks you might be weak enough to care i realize this >Man up glitterboy. believe me I'm constantly making the effort, I've been ever since I decided to live but it's not easy especially for someone who's never had good role models, still i am making the effort regardless

I lost the girl I've liked for so long last night. I met her online more than a year and a half ago and about a year ago, we both admitted we had feelings for one-another. Both of us being kinda schizo, we didn't really wanna do online dating, so we've been will-they-won't-they-ing for a while. I have finally gotten to a position where I'd be able to travel to meet her and we could try and take things serious and now she has cold feet. She told me that she nearly got into another relationship about half a year ago, but couldn't because she kept comparing the other to me and I was so much better, but that she'd prefer something close and physical than long distance with me. I tried telling her that I would visit as often as possible, but it wasn't enough. I don't blame her, our situation has sucked and I understand wanting out of it, but it feels like everything fell apart out of my hands and I was helpless to do anything about it. It's gut wrenching and just thinking about having lost her makes me want to vomit. This, on top of coming back from college where I could walk three minutes and have someone to hang out with to my hometown where I don't have any local friends, and the fact that I've lost most of my online friends to time, I just feel so alone. It's like whiplash. Everything was going so well before this summer. I want to cry but I can't.

>>59888 Revel in the bizarre attentions. Make sure everyone knows who's in control, or at the least, how little effect they have.

I feel lost. I'm gonna have to get a soykafty web programming job this summer, I don't like programming for these types of things I fell like I wasted my life. After I'm done with the university I'm just going to be programming boring soykaf for some company. Why is it possible that you start doing something that feels 100% right, you feel at home and you enjoy it so much you can't stop thinking about it when in reality it's not what you should be doing with your life and you only realize it after you have already wasted your teens and you find out what you should've been doing all along. I always wanted to be good at whatever I'm doing but now I'm just going to be doing boring web programming for the rest of my life, if I had started programming as a kid I probably would've made some indie games by now or something of that nature, something I care about. I think I'll have to get back to playing video games to distract myself from this.

>>59944 I'm in the same boat. Except I seem to have lost my passion for pretty much everything. Let's hope it gets better.

>>59888 >failing the "soykaf test" "Men" today eh? They think they will gain respect by working out or earning a lot of cash.

That's true, men can only gain respect by destroying the patriarchy and decolonizing America. As it should be.

>>58675 I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fit in anywhere. Even when i find like minded people, I’m always still on the outside looking in. It’s gotten to the point now where I get so insanely jealous watching everyone interact around me and talk over me. I used to be really extroverted and had no problem getting along with anybody. Now I don’t get along with anyone. I’m starting to completely isolate myself because every single time I put myself out there to “break the loop” it just happens again. It doesn’t help that im struggling with a lot of soykaf in my life right now and pretty severe untreated mental illness. I have no friends or family and all my co workers avoid me after I was institutionalized. I don’t know what Im supposed to do at this point besides give up and completely fold in on myself.

I kind of wasted my formative years and I regret it deeply. I like to think it wasn't really my fault, after all, I didn't know better. School was easy, and when it wasn't I'd cheat my way through. I only cared about the grades, so I never paid attention. I had no hobbies, I spent all my free time playing video games and websurfing. It then hit me I messed up once it was time to leave school and go to college, pick my path, all that stuff. I had zero interest in everything. I picked the easiest major, and swore I'd change my ways and become a different man. I am as lost as I ever was. Granted, I've improved a fair bit, I'm more sociable now, I dropped video games and my mental health is better, but my life feels empty. I'm not planning on working in academia, and all the other jobs related to my degree pay peanuts and are pretty demanding. I know I should light a fire under my ass and find myself a new thing to study, get a skill that actually pays well, but I'm completely clueless, and I'm honestly not drawn to anything. I can't just force myself. At the same time, I'm a pretentious bastard, so I don't want to settle for a McJob either. I am also afraid that I basically don't have the time. If I wanted to become a professional in demand, I'd need to pour in hours upon hours of time into studying, and even then who knows if I'll succeed, there will be no lack in fresh college or even high school graduates who will be about as good if not better than me. At this point I wonder if I can make it at all. I just seem to be fundamentally broken. All I can count on is luck.

I want to work through TAOCP this summer. Partly because I know that if I manage to get read it and solve exercises (below difficulty 20 or so) I never have to fear another textbook again in my life. Might also help me with my fear of inadequacy. Maybe I could do it an hour before my job starts.

>>59994 >I can't just force myself this is where you're wrong, and if you do it for long enough you will find you enjoy the thing you force yourself to do or will find another in close perimeter that you prefer to force yourself to do. I too failed in childhood to do childhood right, failed in university to get any decent degree, but now I'm living alright

>>60002 That'd be cool. Just a word of advice. Don't stay too long on the math chapter, or you'll never get to the part of the book that's actually about algorithms. I suggest giving it a light read, skipping the harder parts, doing a few exercises per set, and reading concurrently with the rest of the book (starting with the MIX chapter). Later you can go back, as needed, and fill the gaps. So when your brain starts getting tired of math, you can start getting upto speed with the MIX and then start trying the algorithms, then go back and keep readingthe math.

>>60006 That's good advice. Thank you. Will invest in two bookmarks.

Saw the girl I dumped hang out with people she used to despise and endlessly talk soykaf about. Feels a bit weird and somewhat regretful but I'll take those feelings as they come and keep going.

I weighed myself today. Last week, when I weighed myself on a Sunday, first thing, my weight was 141kg. My weight today was 140.9kg. I am sad and disappointed and confused. I admit, I was not counting calories. Nonetheless, the only time I did count calories closely was when I was having more than a single meal. When I calculated my TDEE, I found that my maintenance calories were about 3000. I assumed, that as I am someone that favours savoury food over sweet food, that there is no way, in any single meal, I will eat 3000 calories, therefore, provided I restrict myself to a single meal, I do not need to count calories and can eat as I please. The reasoning was solid. I truly cannot stomach the amount of savoury food necessary to eat 2500+ calories of food in a single meal. The only time I had anything sweet this week was when I took a single bite out of a doughnut, only to throw the rest of it into the bin. I keep getting told that it's possible to lose weight without exercise and just practising CICO, well, apparently, I eat enough in a single meal to maintain my weight. There was an exception: Rather than drink purely water, I was also drinking some oat milk. I never counted the calories in the oat milk and there were days where it seemed plausible that the oat milk was bringing me to 3000 calories. Time and time again, I find myself wondering if I really deserve to be at my size. "Is my diet really that bad?" I really suffered this week. I genuinely suffered hunger this week, and after a week, got no results. Apparently, what I did was sufficient just to stop my weight progressing. Anyway, I'll try again starting tomorrow. I'll try this "no-exercise-cico-only" approach, but more strictly in order to truly verify it. I won't even drink oat milk anymore. I'll give this experiment a solid effort: one meal, as big as I like, only water as a beverage. I refuse to believe I can't practise OMAD, at 300lbs, and see weight loss just from that alone. That's impossible.

it feels bad lad to be constantly left behind all my friends have moved on, I can't shut myself in my room anymore I have to be proactive, things will only likely get worse from here always been dumped by friends at one point or later, likely a one trick pony I also have personally come to realise that due to whatever personality matrix I have I am very incompatible with non shallow relations with the human creature, it's like putting a square peg into a round hole, just not built for it. I see myself as fundamently incompatible with modern society and modern institutions my youth was wasted my only hope is to find others like me I don't see much hope in the future but let us enjoy the moment

>>60025 (You could have posted to the vent thread >>58675) It looks like you had bad friends. Anyways, you can't rely on others for your happiness. Find something that you enjoy (programming or something?). Don't neglect your physical health either. You should remember to go outside regularly. >my only hope is to find others like me Perhaps you might be interested in the Lainchan IRC? If so install Hexchat and take a look at the IRC page.

Struggling with motivation to do anything again. Love this endless loop of "yay stuff" -> "oh no, stuff is too much to deal with" -> "do nothing for 3-12 months" Coffee is kinda helping, but makes me feel pretty bad physically. Makes me even more sad seeing all my friends start to get their own places, build careers, be in relationships, etc. Meanwhile I barely have the motivation to get out of bed. Wait-list is 6+ months to see someone about this and way too much money, but doing it anyway. Considering just giving up and embracing it. Enough people talk soykaf about me anyway, why not prove them right.

I can't find words for the kind of bad I feel. Not trying to be edgy I just feel weird. I thought I had my depression in check between the meds and therapy but maybe this is a depression thing.

>>60027 the lack of peer connections can really make this One feel as though they continue to plus remain kicking off dead whales along beeĉ

>>60027 Yeah I'm stuck in a similar loop: Cool soykaf -> ok I can learn this -> a few pages in and my brain starts drying out -> find new cool thing. Well, learning new things is tiring, it bends your brain in new directions, and that takes energy. It's completely normal to get tired, amd to not understand everything the first time. But one has to realize when one is falling into this pattern of giving up and looking for easy dopamine hits, etc.

>>59994 You are literally me however I am in my early 30's now and still wasting my life. You have at least dropped playing games. In theory I have OKish played job and am writing PhD thesis however the job is dead end, forces me to live abroad in a place without any friends or family and for the PhD even if O finish it there is no place for me in academia which might be not bad because the pay there is a joke. No idea what to do with my life. Always like IT related stuff but I have no real skill and I feel like its too late now to learn cause I will always be those 10 years behind everyone else. fuarrrk this soykaf

>>59994 Huh? What would having had hobbies in high school have done for you in terms of deciding on a good major?

Turn your insecurities into hatred, rather than wallowing in your self pity like a herbivore man.

i don't think my friends like me, they never talk to me and only include me in things when they feel sorry, which is almost never. i feel like i should find new friends but i'm basically a cripple when it comes to socializing. i've known them for like 7 years, i don't know what i did wrong. i try to ask them about this stuff and they just ignore it. i don't know what to do, it hurts so much, i don't want them to leave me, i've been trying my best this whole time. i know it's my fault, but i can't even apologize because they won't tell me what i did. i feel so stupid for not being able to tell.

>>60081 Norms sell themselves into debt to buy houses just so they can desperately vie for the opportunity to go on vacations away from them. Don't try to understand why you're different, instead try acting equally retarded. You'll fit right in.

>>60083 just a couple hours after my reply i asked them for an explanation, and one of them explained to me that nobody wants anything to do with me anymore, so now they're out of the picture. i've been trying to fit in with others by copying them in a way, but i think because of that they found me unnecessary and decided to leave me. i think this is the real reason they don't want me around. thank you for your advice, i'll try it out next time.

>>60095 I'm sorry to hear that anon. Best wishes, and I think you'll find the right people if you don't give up >>60083 >Don't try to understand why you're different, instead try acting equally retarded. You'll fit right in. I don't think this is supposed to be real advice, but I'll respond anyway. Pretending to be someone you're not is too exhausting to keep up for long, and people are smarter than you think. Either they will see through it, or you'll get tired of keeping it up. Find people who seem to enjoy it whenever you say whats on your mind, that's all there is to it.

Almost done with my first year of uni and it seems clear to me that socializing with people (strangers and "friends" alike) severely fuarrrks with my mood. I don't know what's been going on in my head exactly. My psychiatrist has thrown around bipolar, borderline etc but honestly when I was a reclusive NEET I didn't observe this many mood changes, if any at all. I guess the question is whether or not I should try to integrate myself into society and end up roping in a year, or waste away living with my parents and rope in 10 years.

I can't wait until this trip finishes. After all relieve me from their lives, then I can finally die free from guilt. Through all the neverending plausible deniabilities, I'll prove yet how I should never have been borne.

>>60031 I realized this a few years back but there is literally nothing I can do about, I've been trying hard the last two years only to continually embarass myself because lack of social skills, although they improved, I still feel wrong something is wrong I can't builld connections, I can't get close to people

>>60037 It gives you at least some idea so as to what you like, what you don't like, what you're good at and so on. Plus, you still have time, and that thing is the most important in my opinion. If you're in high school you don't need to worry about getting a job or the difficulties of college and academia, so you can focus on either exploring your options or delving deep into your hobby/special interest, provided you found one. Plenty of people say your 20s are made for dabbling in stuff and you're supposed to feel around for a while before you can stand on your own two feet, but if you know what you want to do with your life by the time you leave high school, this means that you have at least 1-2 years worth of experience already, and you'll be spending 4 more years studying your thing, which in total amounts to basically half a decade worth of experience and knowledge in your field of choice by the time you're in your early 20s.

>>58689 >Treating them as a personal hobby-fuarrrk buddy is kind of degrading Having common hobbies is not just about having things to talk about, the type of people that have similar hobbies are the ones that you are likely to get along with because they are similar to you, and that's why you share hobbies.

I feel like I need someone to talk to. Of the three exams I signed myself up on I signed off from one, wrote one and now I'm thinking of getting rid of the last one too. I don't think I can do it. It's open book and everything but I haven't been able to study once the past week. I'm terrified of failing since I actually really like the course and topics and want to get into more. Despite my interest, I barely did any studying at all. There are repeat-exams in autumn probably but it still fuarrrks me up. Should I be a coward or a failure? I can't handle the latter anymore. I'm just happy to start working the week after that.

I may be retarded. I don't enjoy "normal person" things but I don't enjoy lofty pursuits either.

ive been invited to a party tomorrow but i dont want to go at all. I arleady don't like parties, not to mention i dont like alcohol, and in this one there's a lot of people i don't know

When I was 14 me and my friend bullied a 12 year old girl who was chinese and lived on our street for a few days and she told her mom. Her mom and the girl came over to the house and the mom demanded I apologise for calling her kid a chinky and shoving her onto the ground. The girl said she wanted to spank me after I apoIogised and my mom made me take my jeans and underwear off and the girl spanked me. My mother failed as a parent that day by putting me through that humiliation and she will never be forgiven.

>>60266 that's kind of hot, lain

>>60266 I am not even sorry for you, you bullying piece of soykaf.

I still think of her. We spent time together hanging out and having fun but she was in a relationship and had been for years. I beat myself up at how I wasnt able to steal her away, I know that's unrealistic. When I was in a long term relationship I wouldnt have been able to just dump her for someone else like that. Im glad we hung out but I dont know if we should have, we get on too well.

>>60255 It important to force yourself out of your comfort zone. try a couple of drinks, not all parties and drinks are the same. Its better than being online whatever happens.

>>60266 based mom, you are still however a narcissistic sadist that has no remorse and should be shamed here's a picture of women laughing at your life, for good measure lol

>>58677 people are too free to have to deal with our bull crud.

>>60310 >Axiomatic Based. How's Lem, though? I've only ever read Solaris and I fou d it slow and uneventful as fuarrrk, but I've seen him mentioned repeatedly, maybe he has some good stuff, or not.

how do i begin to like things?

Still wishing things had turned out differently

I keep feeling a sense of regret at the crypto market crash and how I thought it'd be smart to take out funds only when I needed it. However I was doing cocaine when the market was high. I had a craving to do it this weekend but didnt have enough money and also I was drinking too much last weekend and the weekend before, then used codeine last week to help sleep and a prolonged hangover. I havnt drunk for a week now and I stopped with the codeine because I was getting dizzy spells. I think Im starting to feel better but dont want to leave the house. I wasnt taking much but maybe it is withdrawl making me feel so introverted. I want to stay clean now. I wasnt terrible but alcoholism keeps creeping in.

I hate how much I crave physical affection, but have a disdain and dislike of most people. It was worse in my teens and early twenties. Being extreamly horny, but not able to feel attracted to anyone at school was agonizing. The couple people I was attracted to never panned out. I recently had a date with an old flame from high school (open relationship) and it was just so wonderful. I haven't felt so happy in years. I felt drunk from just the little bit of making out and cuddling I got. It just makes me so sad now though. I'm in my early 30s and still a virgin basically. From 25 onward I had severe anxiety and depression after college. All these years of my youth gone. I'm trying to escape retail, but even if I'm lucky to and start making decent money, the thought of trying to find someone to connect to romantically just seems like a crap shoot. I've had to deal with my parents soykafty marriage, my mom constantly complaining about it to me, her lashing out at me and the rest of the family. Her saying how she married dad only cause she was vulnerable at the time, how they never fuarrrk anymore, her calling me gay from my teens to late twenties cause I didn't gush over every attractive guy we saw, and didn't have lots of crushes. All the soykafty couples I would see go through my line at work. It's at the point I never want to be married or be financially connected with someone. Why should marriage have any meaning if its somthing that can be nullified, and act almost like financial entrapment? I rather forgo the tax benefit and not be legally bound to someone. At least if it doesn't work out you can separate easier. Marriage only makes sense if you have kids, which I don't want. I know its vain, but I just wish I could enjoy the little bit of my youth I have left. I want to be affectionate without the myriad of negative consequences that always seem to come with it.

>>60376 Have you tried therapy? (I know it seems dumb but it can be useful, even if it's not try developing healthy coping mechanisms as I describe below) This fairly clearly sounds like trauma to me and you even lay out the causes and it's very easy to see what parts of your youth have caused your current feelings towards the world. I think realising that no one can ever be perfect is also going to be important but I think overcoming your childhood will probably realign your beliefs and feelings a lot. Think about the people around you. Are they filled with hatred for everyone else? Do they hold your views on the world? The answer (mostly) is no. So it seems that your feelings are unique. That means you have to have some sort of unique circumstance. It makes no sense for this to be a feeling from birth evolutionally therefore it had to be something from your environment, which is clearly your childhood as you identify. You need to try to reason with yourself that your thoughts aren't the result of some special logic that only you can see, they're the result of your mind coping with trauma (our minds adapt to their environment, which causes adaptations including trauama). I know you might not 100% agree with me on everything but I'd be happy to hear where you disagree or any questions you might have if you do, so we could try and discuss it more.

>>60380 just check stats, most dont marry and those who do almost half divorce. Data proves its grim.

People are boring. They are boring online and in meatspace. It just has been so fuarrrking tiring making conversation and making friends. Everyone is either fake, retarded, interesting but has put up a barrier that doesn't let me have a profound connection and so... This must be a me problem, right? Nothing feels authentic anymore, not even this imageboard. Is it because I grew up? I feel so jaded, I wish I had the same amazement I felt when I first started browsing these kind of sites.

>>60381 You're not actually looking at it right, you have an above 50% chance, it's more likely to succeed than not. Even then that's only 50% if you have the same emotional intelligence as the rest of the population, if you put in effort and work on developing positive quailities for a partner your relationship will have a way higher success rate (think being able to live with differences, discussing emotions openly, not rushing marriage etc.) The best way to think of it is with winning in video games. Statistically most online games have the average player at a 50% winrate, in some games it's as little as 1% (think battle royales). Surely then you could never possibly win consistently? You're going to lose? No, people who practice place themselves far above the average winrate, there are people with 90% winrates, there are groups of friends who can go on 30 game winstreaks (see pic related for a 1/8 winrate game where people have gone on a 1200 winstreak) etc. The point is with skill (in this case relationship and emotional skills) you can become far more successful than 50%. Literally all you have to do is put in more effort and develop more emotional intelligence than the average person and your success rate skyrockets to ~80%. Develop yourself, find the right person and put in conscious effort to maintain your relationship and keep your partner happy and you've already done what most normal people consider to be a very strong relationship.

>>60388 >>60376 Painfully relatable, there is no point in being around people, all they do is bring you suffering and waste your time. The only thing you will ever get from normal people is having your time wasted. This is just experience, in time if you look outside at people you will notice they are all the same, they cling to arbitrary concepts that form a base structure for social integration. That is to say people want a place in society and will take whatever they are given in order to structure themselfs in between and define their identity by that. All you can do with most people are shallow banal boring conversations or some other inane activity as sports or whatever the newspapers have deemed the activity for today. Every time i go outside and come across people, or even things people made, their boundless idiocy and absolutely over top obnoxious ways make it unbearable and there is little to no ways to escape any of it. Women are especially evil, i can see how you are suffering under their influence, my interactions with females have not been better, but i saw trough their insidious ways over time and now i know that they are like a flytrap plant, they are so insidious and errode you from the inside slowly, they cannot ever be trusted, except to backstab you when you are at your most vulnerable. Pick your poison, either surrender your indiviudality and become part of the human npc hivemind and gain physical and social perks for selling your soul or rot away as crazed bitter loner trying to stop a unstoppable catastrophe. Personally i chose the later after having seen the dead end of real life. The few legacy friends i have left are in no better situation, all in all i think each of us has chosen drugs/videogames over this so called life and we just rot away and drift off. Sometimes i think of meeting new people, but the thought alone dreads me in so many ways and i cant see a single thing that is worth the price for all the effort. There is no overstating at how fuarrrked up life is, the most stupid and false things are everywhere so in your face, every day i am amazed at how stupid most people really are, its mind boggling, i dont think even ai could fix it.

>>60380 I tried seeing a psychiatrist(maybe they were a psychologist, I don't remember) after I graduated college for my depression and anxiety, and that did not go well. They wanted to immediately put me on anti anxiety meds which I wasn't keen on; already was on concerta for ADHD and didn't want a narcotic cocktail. The part that kinda swore me off talking to someone was when my mother was basically forcing me to move out of the house with my brother and his friends. I didn't want to move out till I had a proper non retail job lined up in the degree I got. She kept telling me I should move out anyways, but when I kept protesting that moving out and taking on so much new responsibilities was a bad idea with my current mental health, she kinda snapped at me. She basically said, "Dont you want to get away from your mother". I didn't see her again after that. She might have snapped at me to break me out of a loop, but something just felt off about that. I disagree that people around me don't hold the same views I'd say it's a 50/50 split. I don't think I have some special logic and know that my views are shaped by my personal experience. I don't think that my personal experience is invalid or has no logical bearing beyond it being merely trauma response. I've seen people get married and have happy lives and I've seen people live extreamly unhappy lives in marriage. Like most life choices marriage has risks and benefits. For someone like me who doesn't want children and knows how much my mental health tanks if I'm forced to be with people, be it group projects or forced roomates, marriage is too risky. I think you can want a long term relationship without marriage. I just dont view it as the ultimate show of love. Actually sticking together and wanting to work through relationship issues sans forced bindings is. I don't think I look for perfection in people. I know I'm not. I just don't get sexually attracted to people easily. I'm not someone that can do one night stands. I know past trauma keeps me from letting down my walls as easily, but I get too much anxiety being intimate with someone, and its worse if I don't like and trust them as a friend or person. I also get anxiety about not being able to reciprocate physical affection proper. >>60381 Your not wrong, but stats aren't everything. >>60391 This makes more sense, but again you don't need marriage to achieve that. >>60392 1. I am a woman. No gender is inherently better or worse. People can be bastard covered bastards, with bastard filling regardless. 2. Your not completely wrong about people. Some people just follow what's going on and lack the ability to take a pause and truly reflect on the world around them. The people who do are more likely to have walls up that makes forming meaningful connections difficult and daunting at times as you described. The only thing I can say is not listening to the news, just get your info from a few good news sites, blocking ads and commercials, and just overall detoxing yourself from the noise of society is extreamly helpful.

>1. I am a woman. No gender is inherently better or worse. People can be bastard covered bastards, with bastard filling regardless. I guess im biased by my onesidedness observation, ofcourse most men are scumbags of the worst order, but in my view they dont usually hide how much of scumbag they are, you can smell those rats right away. Whereas women have much more sneaky tactics that take a long term hold on your mind and play social games, men on the other hand are much more direct in ruining you and just pushing you under. Or maybe men do those kinds of games too but i just havent met those that do, but its just my observation males will either directly attack you or those close to you, whereas women will try to manipulate your environment against you and entrapping you in a impossible situation. >The only thing I can say is not listening to the news, just get your info from a few good news sites, blocking ads and commercials, and just overall detoxing yourself from the noise of society is extreamly helpful. The problem with that is the walls keep on closing in tighter and there is no way anymore to drown out the noise. This society is a disease run rampant, everyone can see its going south, yet they all keep going at max speed, i can only hope they all fall over fast enough as to not make this planet entirely unusable.

>>60391 the difference is you don't carry handicaps from previous matches into the next match with games while with divorce you do. winrate for 4th marriage is statistically much lower than first marriage while any game would give you higher winrate after a loss streak due mmr drop. Another way to look at it might be people who win first match are already out of dating market. So the longer you keep playing the more your player pool is reduced to soykafty people as more and more usable people leave matchmaking with each round. >>60393 >No gender is inherently better or worse. People can be bastard covered bastards Its cause the laws aren't equal, its not a matter of good/bad but rational actors simply playing a game with biased rules which naturally leads to different behaviour. Marriage->Divorce->get money -> repeat meta is almost solely played by women with a few rare exceptions on guy side. I know irl of one instance where mom played the meta like that and taught her daughter to do the same. Absolutely shameless. Looking at other side guys stopped going into marriage as they observed older dudes getting raped by courts and gov then forced them back in with common law marriage (if you live together = pay her as if married even if its not your kid). So now you have dudes scarred of getting scammed because the system is clearly rigged against not even trying. The most obvious scam was "paternity test outlawed cause we want you to keep paying". What im really wondering about though is if it was really just shortsighted "make them pay to save our budget" or intentional long term sabotage. Giving one sided benefits creates strife is elementary psychology well observed in studies from simple monkeys to parents treating their children unequal or superiors having favorites with employees. The current state was therefore an absolutely foreseeable development.

>>60393 It sounds like it was a psychiatrist and you were misinformed. You go to a psychiatrist for medication, you go to a psychologist for advice. A psychologist can't issue medication as they do more training in mental conditions and treating them instead. Your interaction with your mother seems to suggest she was scared about your lack of independence, you have to see that older generations just tended to 'suck it up' and suffer whilst nowadays we try and cure the underlying issue. Most parents have a goal of seeing their child move out and become independent before they die and they often sort of project it as their life goal, which results in them putting pressure on you. It's fine to feel the way that you do about marriage, there's no need to get married against your will. I think it' s the traditional end goal for most couples but I'm sure you can find someone who is willing to either not get married or just avoid a paper marriage. I agree with you that nowadays more people hold your viewpoint, I think it's largely tied to growing mental illness in general, which makes people hesitant to form intimate relationships and have kids. Do you find you have to be emotionally attracted to someone first to be sexually attracted? I wouldn't worry about your inability to handle one night stands and things, I think the actual proportion of people who do them is very low. It's just very amplified by the modern world and sexual liberation etc. On your trauma stopping intimacy I think that's where seeing a psychologist could help. You've already made the first step which is linking the way your brain developed to problematic behaviours, the next part is about overcoming that (and how that's done is usually a key part of their job). I'm very sorry if my words got a bit muddled, I had some trouble trying to make sure I covered the right ground fluidly. >>60398 >the difference is you don't carry handicaps from previous matches into the next match with games while with divorce you do. Relationships are the practice games so to speak. You don't get easier people the next time you date but you do gain experience which makes relationships easier. It's like fighting a boss in a souls game, you learn the patterns and get better each time until you're proficient. Marriage is something you're supposed to do once you're confident that you've found the right person and got the whole thing cracked, being on your 4th marriage is seen as undesirable because it suggests you haven't learnt anything and yet keep trying to lock your unhealthy relationships in.

>>60399 Nah you did good. Yeah I learned the hard way not to go to a psychiatrist. I don't think it was so much independence, as she kinda just wanted me out; though I guess that's one in the same. She was definently one of those, "I was already moved out before your age" blah blah. She in general would put me down for going to college and not being out on my own or married yet; nevermind she wanted me to go to college. I was also fairly independent at the time. I worked, did my own cloths, bought a good portion of my own food, car payments, ect. She basically didn't care about my declining mental health. Its only recently were on good terms again. She is definitely the suck it up type. And yes I HAVE to have emotional attraction first before sexual attraction. I can't get seriously sexually interested in someone without it. I know a lot of that has to do with the fact I was bullied and an outcast until high school, so I don't really let down walls until I know someone. I probably will see a psyc for relationships once I get a proper income going. I just still miss being affectionate in the mean time. >>60398 >system is rigged That's fair, and your not wrong about some women having that mentality. I personally prefer to not demonize the sexes. I try to let people show me they're bastards first and not prejudge. I feel like it keeps you from becoming an fem/incel.

>Every other member of my immediate family has pretty much had their finances totally destroyed in the last 2-3 years. >Mostly self-inflicted I feel so bad. My dad sold his home which he owned outright and tried to get into property because "Anon, Everyone's making moves but me!, I spent 18 years raising you, time for me to get ahead!" and then the housing market went kaboomboom. My sister took out a 10'000 title/payday loan to buy herself a new car, a pool table and to go on a holiday out of state (Which when she got back she made sure to tell us 'she hated' btw). My mother withdrew half of her superannuation (we use a different name for this, i think for burgers this is a 401k) and tried to use it for 'D.I.Y home renovations' during covid. **She destroyed the fuarrrking house** She dosen't own the home outright and it will have to be sold to repay the mortgage at the end of the year, So shes going to have to fork out just to repair the place + it has been labelled a flood risk + housing market kaboomboom = House is worth jack soykaf. shes going into retirement with barely more then ~100'000 dollars to her name.

>>58677 unironically im your nigga ive dedicated the rest of my life to music production and live an autistic lifestyle, too bad we will never talk.

I've been in some sort of loop these last few years climbing a bit on the improvement ladder and falling down over and over. I'm still managing to get better over time but every time I fall it's cause I either spend too much time alone and start to think its pointless to live if I can't share experiences with others or I just find some "friends" and later find out they actually don't care about me.

>>60427 > I try to let people show me they're bastards first and not prejudge i see people acting more on circumstances than personal character as the majority is influenced by peer pressure which makes their behaviour circumstantial. Past behaviour still serves for indicators on how easy they are manipulated which gives you a risk factor but this means there is not much difference between someone who acted well before and someone who didn't given you confirmed both are easily manipulated and therefore will act bad equally given circumstances. So you either limit yourself to a miniscule minority that is firm in their character and not easily swayed and/or cooperate with avg people on the basis of making sure it never pays off to backstab you.

Hello Lain, it has been a while since I actually vented my feels here. Things did not go the way expected. I eventually reapplied to an another uni, got accepted lasted there 4 semesters on end of the forth I miscalculated my abilities and ended up with having not enough credits to pass to another year. So here I am thinking of reapplying for second year of study where all my middle school friends at that time are finishing their Bcs right now. I do have a problem with acceptance of modern schooling system nor can I easily get past some personalities who larp as teachers. I feel bad for myself, for my vague attitude towards life, for my once beloved ones. I feel lonely Lain. And with every next tick I am more and more detached from this world an myself. Suma sumarum I do not think I will ever be the same nor I have hope of returning to relevantly normal state of being. The thing of which I do most of the time fantasize about is running from my past life, left boundaries and taking completely different path in my life. However am too much of a puss to do such a radical step and rather am slowly loosing my mind in a world where I do not see anything worth living for.

Not a cry for help but I can't talk about this with aanyone so here I go: >be in my early 20s >friends don't invite me to parties bcs they are in my same situation, they forget but more probably don't want to >been with 2 whores already (paid sex) >don't get sick nor bleeding money so I don't regret it So after some months I decided to go again with a colombian with a huge rack. I even asked her if I can buy some lotion to titfuck her and she agreed. This is a great deal for me, I'm fuarrrking obsessed with titfucking and paizuri, not really proud about it but that's how it is and who I am. Everything's going smoothly until I go to a supermarket to buy groceries (I live with my parents). Taking advantage of the situation, bcs I never go outside, I was going to hit the ATM and there was a couple in front of me. He was your average guy and she wasn't pretty nor ugly, slightly below average. It didn't helped to her image the fact that she was being a complete asshole with him, all moody and stuff. The thing is, they went outside, they put on their helmets and started preparing to ride their bike and I looked directly at her. Death stare at her, and she stare back at me. We looked at each other for some seconds, my mind was going really fast, I can't remember a time this had happened before but I'm sure it wasn't the first time, and I gtfo of there. I was smiling walking back at home, how absurd, I really was going to give money to a whore so I can have sex again, I really was so desperate to recieve something of these bitches called women, something that isn't special or anything. I refused to being forced to do it again. Forced by myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying women can exclusively be soykaf, but they sure can act like it at the drop of a hat. And right there, while thinkig all this, it hits me: >"I'm better than this, and they (women) are not unattainable, they are not out of my reach" And this thought really has grown on me these last days, It gives me hope. I will seduce one, a girl with huge tits, and I will fuarrrk them as much as I want, and then I will look for another one and do it again, just for the fun of it. The catch is this: I have to find places to meet these women, socialize and soykaf. That's were I'm right now. Not tinder or social networks, real places, mostly bcs I'm not fotogenic and the ratio men:woman on those are Lars Von Trier level horrifying. I quit my last job aprox. 5 months back, in good terms, bcs I was totally isolated there, so yeah, I have to find a job were I can do some IRL networking. I know a must not put this triviality (the tits thing) in the top of my priorities, and it isn't, fortunatly thanks to my goals in fitness and music prod (mostly learning to sing rn), but I'm sure that giving some mind, time and energy to this triviality won't hurt me more than paying escorts or devoting my life to jerking off in front of a screen. pd: sorry for bad english

>talking with a girl >We're hitting it off perfectly >started talking about kinks >she starts talking about all the soykaf she did with her exes >Just the knowledge that she actually had sex before somehow fills me with jealousy and anger There is something wrong me with, isnt there?

>>60580 I've rarely met anyone over 18 who hasn't had sex before. It's gonna be a small pool if your looking for a virgin in 2022, people are more open sexually in every regard than even a decade ago, both in frequency and experimentation. Or maybe that's just my country in the meatworld.

>>60580 Yes, you'll have to accept that people have pasts and that those pasts have nothing to do with you. But the important part is that if that person is choosing to be with you now, those past experiences don't really take away from that. They're still actively choosing you. I say this as a 28-year old virgin who's recently dating someone new with- obviously- a sexual past, lol. You can totally tell her that you don't want to hear about her exes, though. Nothing wrong with that.

>>60580 This is a normal reaction. This society is messed up, and you will receive many messages from deviants trying to justify their own lifestyle.