/VENT/ #31

Have a go at it... Previous >>54401

I'm sick of being alone and only hanging out with my one best friend from high school. I want a girlfriend already.

These past months have been spent with me legitimately wanting to kill myself, and I even have a plan as well, which should be painless, quick, and kill me in my sleep. These mental breakdowns have taken everything away from me, and the only life left for me to lead is one spent hidden away from society. I don't do much with my life, other than play video games or watch anime, as the medications that I get have horrible side effects, ones that make it almost impossible to do anything. I might actually kill myself next month or so, who knows. I cannot go on like this anymore, nothing at this point could get better.

I'll have a go at it, but I don't usually read these threads. I have nothing to vent about really. Even with my many grievances, I don't feel the need to vent. So instead I'll try to give this thread a blessing. Everyone wants "happiness", in /vent/, on /r9k/, Discord, close friends IRL, family. Everyone wants to live in the moment. But happiness is only a carrot on a stick to keep you going. Of course if you live for happiness you will be depressed and want to kill yourself. However I am a warrior. I live for life itself. Despite my grievances (which I have MANY), breathing fresh air is enough to make me happy. Life is a blessing if you make it one. I'm autistic and people tell me my attitude comes off as inconsiderate. But I hate seeing people be depressed. You have the whole natural world, enjoy it. Embrace the struggle of life. Live for eternity, not for the moment.

Just received a negative feedback from a infosec internship I was applying to. They said I'm very young and they're looking for someone more "experienced" or at least someone with deeper knowledge for my age (I'm 19). I feel so frustrated because they always assume I cannot possibly have that knowledge if I'm young or they always expect that I must be a total young genius to fit in that role.

>>56191 >I'm autistic and people tell me my attitude comes off as inconsiderate. I don't think it's inconsiderate, but it is a little out of touch with what we know about the role hormones and neurotransmitters play in depression. Someone whose serotonin receptors are broken isn't going to be happy no matter what, for example. Still, it is good advice for the majority of us. When I was young, I had the fortune of being taught that happiness and sadness are inevitable, chasing either will maximize sadness, but a good life is one that maximizes contentedness.

>>56191 >breathing fresh air is enough to make me happy. >You have the whole natural world, enjoy it. The unfortunate fact is that fresh air and nature are, for many people, unattainable luxuries. Many people can't even see the stars at night due to light & air pollution. Even silence is hard to come by. That said, most people venting here do have access to these things and just don't use them. >>56214 there is a difference between the state of being depressed and clinical depression. For instance most people get depressed when someone close to them dies, if they continue that way it's not a sign of brain damage, it's a sign that they're stuck in a rut and must be rescued (or alternatively that they must die themselves, as many older people do when their spouse dies).

I'm trying to post a rant but I keep getting "Please make a better post" error message. What does that mean so I can make my post "better"? Thanks.

>>56233 Probably you're using a word that's disallowed. A lot of memespeak will trigger that.

I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. Namely, I'm trying to be stoic about my job and rationalizeto myself that it's good and I should stick with it. The job has good , remote work, federal benefits, good work/life balance, a nice boss, federal pension, and the knowledge that I'm technically serving the public. However, I can't take it lads. I can feel myself turning into a lifeless b**m3r with each stupid document I write. The quota system is relentless and it's like an endless treadmill with no breaks. I think I'd rather kill myself than work 30 more years sitting at my desk day in and day out doing some of the most boring work imaginable. Maybe desk work isn't for me. Well, truthfully I don't think *any* work is for me, but perhaps a job where I'm not staring at a computer screen will be less depressing. With that in mind, I'm seriously considering becoming a pilot. In fact, I always wanted to be a pilot, but I never went for it because it's a risky career choice–as a compromise, I studied aerospace engineering for my bachelor's. However, while I may be good at math and science, I never really liked engineering. Indeed, I forgot about piloting for a while because school completely neutered my interest in aeronautics. But after a two years out of college and some deep thinking, I remembered why I got the damn degree in the first place. I'm taking my discovery flight this Saturday, and I'm really excited. However, I'm not looking at this with rosy eyes. I know my paycheck will be terrible for a long while. I know I would probably retire sooner if I just stick with my boring paper-pushing job. I know that life on the road and living in hotels will probably get old after a while. I know that flying as a job will likely kill whatever passion I have for it in the first place. I know that "making it" and getting a desirable job (e.g., captain at a major airline or working for UPS/FedEx) will be a crapshoot. But goddamnit, every time I hear a plane in the sky while I'm drudging away on my work computer, a little part of me dies. I guess I'll take my discovery flight and then work on getting my PPL if it turns out I really do like flying. Once I get my PPL, I'll see then if I want to go down this insane, unwise route. It's just that I can't take the drudgery anymore…what else is to be done?

I hate being stuck with my past self and all the melodramatic soykaf it did, in public. I hate how many people have copies of, and the ability to share, my old emails and texts, where I speak like an anime villain and make incredibly obvious and clumsy attempts at manipulation to stroke my own ego, or where I talk at length about my personal problems and insecurities to a clearly uninterested aquaintance. I hate how many people saw me raise a big fuss about attempting suicide, and chickening out right in front of them. I've figured by now that I'm not built for human interaction. I just want to hide.

Last thread I was discussing dating BPD girls with a lain. Am the one who said that dating one while also flirting with other girls was the best option for keeping your sanity, even though it was an asshole move. Well, one of the girls blocked me, which I understand. She probably felt that this was some weird ass situation she just didnt want to get into. The other girl I was talking to turned out to be carrying as much baggage as the gf. So I feel like am just jumping from one burning building to the next. The worst part is that the GF herself has been treating me like soykaf, lately. She somehow got used to the pattern as well, where she manages to cover for the low parts by being extremely caring and affectionate on the high parts. Truth is, I love her very much and I see a future with her IF she manages to level her good and bad parts a bit. She is an amazing person, even in her worst moments. It's just that her low tides make me feel extremely unwanted and like I am basically an annoyance. I guess I should be telling her all this and not venting on an anonymous board. But I just don't want to give her ultimatums or cause a break up.

I'm 20 now and used to be depressed for the past 3/4 years trying to find meaning in my life. I felt that everything came so easy in school and that I could succeed in life without ever having to try at all and being indifferent to everything and could do extremely well this no meaningful effort. I only felt like myself when I was alone and I'd either waste my time playing video games or think/read about why I should not self-destruct my life out of boredom, either through suicide or through imposing some stupid handicap on myself. A couple months back, I snapped out of it and have a new found love for life. I can't explain it even to myself but one night a couple months ago I had a dream and felt the beauty of life as if it came straight from my soul. I no longer really care about any success in general terms so have nothing to feel bored doing and my only real ends is to love living each day as if its my last. Having said that, I still can never explain it fully. I feel like the deeper I go in to trying to explain it the more insane and naive it all seems which prevents me from ever truly accepting/sharing it with people. I used to think about this kind of stuff a lot and feel like I'm already 2 steps ahead of everyone else in thinking about all this but its all illogical so I have nothing to show for it. I don't really have an issue with the feelings and idea itself as I'm happy now but I am worried that by thinking this way I'm going crazy. From the feeling itself to the way I found it all seems like it could be some insane delusions. While I think that most people don't even think about things the same way I do, I still see no one else having the same feelings outside of maybe literature. If I told anyone else they'd also think I was off some meds and that I was living in some fantasy but I tell myself that even If I am living in a fantasy so long as I'm happy it doesn't matter. I'm just torn between trusting myself and trusting what everyone around me would tell me.

>>56275 Relationship drama is so boring. What exactly makes her worth staying for, beyond the flattering attention of a hot girl? Besides, why stay with a girl you'll cheat on to cope with?

>>56164 > feel like soykaf for not being a girl since early childhood > transition (and actually pass), still feel like soykaf cause i will never be a girl > detransition > still feel like soykaf since I will never be a girl There's no end to this ride.

Bought a house with gf of 4 years, and I wish I were with another girl. It's hard for me to tell when these feelings are real, or just caused by something missing from myself.

Being on a university campus filled with attractive young women feels like torture. Sometimes they look at me like a piece of meat or even hit on me, which makes it feel worse because it tells me that if I wasn't such a shy schizo I could probably get a gf easily.

>>56287 Bro, be happy you aren't in a place where there are no women. Speaking from experience. Try maybe flirting a tiny little bit. Maybe you'll find one that's you'll enjoy spending time iwith. Just rememeber, no pussy is worth your sanity and dignity.

>>56288 I believe you, but like with most social protocols flirting just feels so far beyond me. I've been in this situation for years. Just talking to anyone I don't know, not even flirting, is a huge leap for me. That's the main reason why it feels so bad... I know I *could* enjoy it but I'm terrified to try.

>>56281 Well, you will never be a girl, just like how I will never be North Korean, or a fox guy. Although all we can do is try our best. Recently I ordered a DPR Korean pins for me to wear on the left side of my shirt, adorned with the likenesses of Great Comrades Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il. I also get all my fashion advice by looking at pictures of people walking around Pyongyang on the Internet, and I have a nice white shirt, black pants combo that I can wear with a red tie and of course, my DPR Korea pins.

>>56291 Also, for an addendum, I study the works of the Eternal President Kim Il-sung, and Eternal General Secretary Kim Jong-il for 90 minutes each and every day, studying earnestly and thoughtfully. I'm sure you can, too, improve your transgender identity by spending a good chunk of time each day reading girly-things, regressing into the mental-space of a little girl, and doing your speech therapies.

I bought a sport motorcycle yesterday. Nothing like going 130km/h and realizing you can let go of the handles to end it all to really give you a satisfying feeling of being alive. I've had a pretty rough life, but I think I've made up my lost time to my teenage self. I sobered up after 15 years and looking back I realized I have already become everything my younger self wanted to be. I'm a skilled vagabond that can find good work wherever he goes. It feels like I can finally move on with my life.

I think I hit rock bottom without seeing the actual bottom now. I managed to tuck all my depressive thoughts into a pile and threw them into the trash only to pick them up later. Every soykaf I manage to forget; haunts me today. All the relationships, words, and anything I did, stroll around my head. I feel like a shell of Yester-mine. There is a girl, in my heart, deep there I know I love her; not only knowing also feeling. Beautiful redhead with charming smile. However, I am too numb. Too numb to get my soykaf together and think about anything. I feel like I am a ticking bomb about to explode every damn minute. I was on a holiday. A break from the school to put in another word. The only thing I've done is watch old flicks, play old games, and work out. Working out lost it is meaning too, only picking stuff and lifting them. Lost the joy. I just don't know, I am going to be 20 this March. It is early on to get lost like that, I know. I don't know what I want. I am not afraid of taking responsibility or not caring about making big numbers. I just want to feel some things. Like, yeah. Watching the ceiling while listening to Mission of Burma won't change a thing. Currently, I am trying my best to get good grades and wearing social faces to keep up with my friend group. No one noticed anything, if they noticed it; I know they won't understand. There is a girl/old friend of mine, who sometimes comes and listens to all my crap; then I listen to her crap but I feel like she hangs around me whenever she doesn't have anyone better. Let me fix that sentence; I know it not feeling it.

>>56294 How old are you, lain? I want to buy a motorcycle too but am a 35 and it feels like an early mid-life crisis thing.

>>56270 took my discovery flight and it was a lot of fun. The instructor said I did good for someone who's never flown before. I'm going to keep at it; I felt alive up there.

>>56296 Buy one then, don't give a fuarrrk about what others think.

I haven't felt safe for years. I barely enjoy anything at this point, because everything feels so bland and meaningless.

What should I do if I don't feel human?

My psychiatrist says my condition is permanent and I will never improve

How can I ever be sure anyone else experiences things the same way I do?

>>56296 I hit 30 in a month. I think going out of your way to buy an expensive one with no experience is the midlife crisis indicator. It's like a rush to catch up to a forgotten ideal, or perhaps I am projecting. I didn't let pride get in my way and started with a scooter, then I got an old used sportbike. I agree with >>56299. I took up riding as an art or sport rather than a cool factor thing.

>that feel when no girlfriend

>>56318 >in a long distance relationship >gf wont send me nudes There is no other fuarrrking point, and am not even getting the main reason. You're better off single, lain.

>>56312 I don't know what to do about those feelings, but I just want you to know that I'm there with you. Maybe these feelings indicate that you are not human either. I don't know what to do about that, but I think we should embrace it and try to find a way for ourselves in this world. We can't choose what we are but we can choose what to do about it. Let's be inhumans together.

feeling like soykaf, been trying to socialize last few months but it's been terrible because of social autism, I shouldn't have tried, now I just created awkwardness with people I have to see everyday and the girl I like hates me now, rightfully so and it's a good thing, I'm really not in a good state to be in a relationship anyways. back to keeping to myself, it's for the better.

>>56320 So, your girlfriend isn't a whore. There's this thing called internet porn, you may have heard of it.

>>56320 > being single and ronery > being in a loveless long distance "relationship" Only two options, right?

I have been obsessing over Arcane for a while and I watched many (MANY) reaction channels. What I noticed was that every single woman who reacted to the show, without exception, was simping hard for Vander's character. Whether they were old or young, "slutty" or "innocent", whether they looked like they were just your typical, regular girl, or if it was obvious she had massive daddy issues... All of them without exception fell for his "daddy" side and his clear masculine charisma. This made me feel completely defeated because I am nowhere near that level of masculinity. I cant even grow a beard and am in my 30s. Am short, skinnyfat (I know I can fix this part) and already balding. It pisses me off that I will never truly meet that image and that most women will instinctively find me inadequate.

>>56344 do you think woman fell for him just because his looks brah. eat better, hit the gym and if you are balding and if it is past nw3 shave it. Stop thinking like you are not beaituful. You are the product of selection. You have the potential. Get your soykaf together, I believe in you.

>>56344 pro tip: watching youtube all day (and generally being passive) is not the way to get girls.

I've stopped feeling sad over >tfw no gf. I think there's a few reasons for this. The biggest seems to be that I've just kind of accepted it's just not going to happen and there's no point fighting it. Whatever it is women want, I don't have. Another big thing is I just harbour a huge amount of contempt for women at this point, and it's only gotten worse now that I interact with them regularly. I know considerably more women than men at this point (it was 0 not even a year ago) and I don't really like any of them. I'll get a head start on learning some magic tricks for when I turn 30.

I'm having serious trouble finding motivation to do anything, it's like I have no interests or goals of my own and require outside pressure and instructions to do and achieve anything. In an ideal world, I'd be a NEET with a place of my own and an endless steam of money to pay the bills, but not even that would be entirely perfect, as social isolation drives me up the wall after a while, and I'm not interested in media consumption for me to maintain my sanity that way. Journalling and soul-searching led to nothing, I plain hate working and studying, I'm tired and wish for it all to end. I hope my motivation will come back once I get my degree and break free from the curriculum, though I doubt it. My mind is screwed after years of prioritizing "productivity" over anything else. I can't imagine myself becoming interested in things that carry no practical value, and naturally, since there is no real, emotional interest put into anything, I rely on willpower alone to slog through whatever it is I need to slog through. If I do get a spark of genuine interest, I quickly lose it as reality sets in. For example, I've never studied CS, but I have a few CS-adjacent topics that I am vaguely interested in, like information security and customizable software. I like the idea of knowing my way around the computer, as embarrassing as it may sound. I begin my research and I am immediately overwhelmed. I can grasp the basics alright, but I realize that in order to go beyond that and understand the inner workings of it all I'd need to set up a personal curriculum alongside an already existing one in order to study the multitude of topics at hand. I question my motivation and realize that it is simply insubstantial. To repeat myself, I like the idea of knowing my way around the computer. I like the idea of knowing more about information security and digital privacy, I like the idea of being able to fix an annoying bug in an already existing piece of software, but I don't like the actual process of it all. Then I'm back to square one. Rinse and repeat. Creative hobbies, learning languages, gym, nothing sticks and everything overwhelms me at one point or another. I am lured in by a deceivingly simple and pretty image and then have my hopes destroyed. I suppose the key is to take it one step at a time, but then there's the issue of not slipping into boredom and maintaining a sense of flow. It's such a pain, I can't survive a meaningless life but I seem to be hellbent on making everything I do unnecessarily difficult and eventually meaningless in my eyes.

stressed and angry all the time. mostly over impulsive decisions i made and insecurities. already a "functioning" alcoholic. thinking about sipping codeine since it's too easy to get here.

I guess I have something to vent, because I don't have anyone to talk to right now. I think I might just have really bad agoraphobia, in the sense that I really hate to be seen. I hate standing apart from the crowd or being the center of attention. I hate showing off. But those are precisely the things I have to do if I want to get where I want to be, and the worst part is that I am fully convinced I have the ability to get there. I can get downright obsessive with my studies and unlike most of my peers I find them pretty easy. I just don't want to be the shining star.

I've been so fuarrrked up recently, having meltdowns daily now. Can't keep it together anymore. Dunno why or what cracked me open so badly but I just cant cope with my life anymore or shoulder everything I have been dealing with for the last 28 years any longer. Feels like I am losing my capability to numb myself to everything and man i'm in a lot more pain than i realized now that the mental anesthesia is wearing thin.

>>56424 I think that you should take pride in that. You have lived your whole life in denial about your own feelings and what you were suffering from. When that happens, people often think that they are strong enough to deal with their issues, but the truth is that they simply let those issues control them from the shadows. You are finally ready to heal from your wounds and traumas, lain. You should take your newly heightened sensitivities as good news.

>>56426 Yeah that's true, but I don't know of a healthy way to work through these feelings or how to resolve them. I am worried that I'm gonna start lashing out at people because of how much pain I have been feeling lately. I guess most people have a close friend or loved one they can confide in but I don't really have anyone like that and I don't know what I can do on my own which is part of the reason I'm coming here to vent on an obscure imageboard.

I don't know how to make friends as an adult. I like my job and I'm pursuing my master's part time, but I haven't made any friends in the city I moved to.

Please excuse my grammar for this post. I just want to type out my thoughts in a free-writing style. For years, I've slowly become idle. I can't do what I want to do due to a complete lack of motivation. I have all of the tools and materials required, I have the knowledge so close to me, yet I don't go forward. I don't do much of anything. I tried to embrace a life of doing nothing, except walking and thinking. I could simulate some of my emotional needs, but over time this was not very necessary as I just felt nothing. I've abandoned my friends, abandoned every single thing I used to do—which wasn't much—but now I feel so strange. I screwed up my path to embracing nothing by somehow getting an online partner on 4chan, and felt love for the first time ever. She was the only person I've ever come across that seemed like me, however, we differed in motivation. All of her life, she succeeded so much, she always got the results from the work she put in, whereas I used to work so hard when I was younger, but fail regardless. I recall a moment where I used to play Magic: the Gathering, I would study things about the game for a long amount of time, make changes to my decks when I would lose, ask questions and be inquisitive to those who were better than me, but out of the hundreds of games I played, I only won about three. This sort of hard work put in, getting nothing out of it, series of steps has occurred many times in my life, and I'm fed up with it. After me and the girl split up, she was the last bastion of motivation I had. These repeated failures have seemed to instill in me a sense of failure before I even start things, and I'm aprehensive to start many things. I can't sap out any enjoyment out of anything, and for awhile the only reason I was doing activities was out of fear, because if I didn't complete my schoolwork, or do a thing, my mother would yell at me, consequences would affect me. I'm out of high school now, but when I had all of the free time in the world, I just spent it doing nothing. The removal of structure, punishment, and order from my life has negatively effected my productivity. I'm a doormat, a pushover! It is the only reason I will do things, because I have been told to do them. The only thing I've succeeded at is training and helping others. I remember I used to play a game, and I became a leader of a group in this game. The group was about helping people, and it was the only thing I could do in this game. I knew the wiki through-and-through, but I couldn't fight or succeed in this game. The only reason I got a really good character in this game was because through helping others, they helped me. They gifted me items that would take months of pure chance to acquire. It was a relationship between me, and the 100+ people in my group; it was a relationship of dependence on one another. I've ordered some books and wrote out some plans of stuff I want to do, but I have not, and probably will not even attempt them. I wish I could find a girl just like me in the world, with this sort of situation. We could become dependent on one another. I find it easy to care for others, do their bidding, do things for them, but I completely lack that care for myself. Imagine, two people totally in sync, selflessly doing things for the benefit of each other, but knowing that this is the only way they can thrive, with selfishness being the root. I wish I could connect with someone like a hive-mind. If everyone on this planet was connected as one being, understood their struggles, knew their memories, were not individuals, but one single entity with its goals, there would be no difference between selfishness and altruism, as there is only one. I've been thinking about making this a project, if it's the only thing I'll do. Even though the chances of the project succeeding are very slim, as I dislike being around & talking to most people, and that I have high requirements for such a thing, at least I will have done something.

>>56275 I'm that lain. fuarrrking a. You hit so many things right on. Firstly the "dating" others and secondly the thing about anxiety. Two years ago when the same cycle opened with this girl I started going out more and meeting A LOT of strangers. Two months ago I went solo to a techno club for the first time in my life (always had a friend that would join me) and I met 6 women in one night. I got catcalled on the street and many such cases. But I never commit. I always meet normal girls and have fun but rarely have sex. IT really does help keep up with a bipolar person. Frankly, my best advice is to just ignore her. In my case, she is fuarrrking some other dude that is in her hometown and granted she said from the first moment that she needed someone localy. Problem is, she is acting maliciously just like many other normal girls and she is falling into a grouping that takes all her special qualities away. Also, no sex. So why the fuarrrk should I stay? Talking? Everyone I meet feels a special connection with me and refuses to understand that I get this with everyone. People would convince themselves that I am their soulmate and let me go, since I might as well never forget about them. I say fuarrrk em. She couldn't understand half the soykaf I wrote to her. She can't read inbetween my poetry, she cannot overcome her imposter syndrome despite multiple successes, she cannot break loose from the culture of soykafty netflix movies and hip-trendy girlboss culture. Problem is. These people do not level their highs and lows. She told me that: "We have to come to terms with the beautifull mess that we are". I say fuarrrk it. If I do not force myself to work out and write my schizodumps in essays or poetry I am going to hurt people (emotionally) and I do not wish to see myself as anyone's mess. The woman that chooses me should bond with me in calm seas and even when things go rough, to be able to see that I'd choose adrenaline and action. I love the Bipolar retard too. But I went ahead and met myself in another woman. A literal mirror of myself. So much so that she even likes women as me. I don't have a problem. I might as well be with her and double team random chicks or go on double dates. There lies healthy soykaf that has me not worried about if I said the right thing, or if she understood me, or if she did this and that yada yada.

I wish I could abandon all of my friends and start over from scratch with somebody who cares about me

>>56402 Sorry if this is off-topic, but I'm playing the exact same visual novel lainon. Where can I talk to you?

>>56441 Minus a few details same story. You know, a big thing is a lack of investment in what I am good at it and a lack of reconcilliation of both what I am good at and what I enjoy. Im half decent at drawing, I also like drawing. I had to stop worrying about how other people are better in less time though, im pretty good at finding "the bests" and thinking "itl take me ten years before im as good as them". The thing is I wont be drawing in ten years thinking like that, I should be more focused on staying pleased enough with drawing and progressing onto new things to keep entertained so that il still be drawing all ten of those years ive estimated it will take. And as ive been doing that ive felt peace for the first time in forever, and my tolerance for doing things that are difficult has increased, and my notice and interest in the little tjings has too. Drawing, in the grand scheme of things, who cares. But its that this simple pleasure, thats not pleaurable in an instant gratification way but in a its own little multi faceted personal struggle I have way, has opened up me up to a lot of other things. Prior to that though, cause I also used to have that thought of I just wish I had codependency almost, well I really am not fond of many people anymore. Im not misanthropic I hate that and I love people, but I dont really see anybody as a way out or idolize people anymore in fact ive had relationships get better cause the expectations you put on someone while idolizing them are actually heavy. I think that might just be learned, eventually you will get what you want and you will realize everyone else is just as lost as you, no one has your golden ticket not even the perfect companion. You can learn a lot of course, from anyone, but no one will truly calm your, or at least my, idle mind for the most of my time. Only I can do that, with some help from the lessons ive learned from others, but only I can do that in the end. The world can be especially unsafe and uncomfortable to some and so we will latch onto what provided that feeling of comfort. But ive had it with people and with drugs and the latching on never held and never worked. New problems arose, or say my loneliness I realized was not a lack of people but something that came to persist even with my partner eventually. I saw people I admired deeply do things I would never and look down on and I ceased being able to trust them to "give me orders" and I started to see how everyone has something that doesnt quite fit my ideal enough to be someone I could "serve" and that the ideal was within me. I would have thought what im saying was nonsense then, but ive learned just as you can see all these idolized goods in someone now I can also see the faults. Thats not a bad on them, its what makes them, them, and I just previously had an idea of what people could be and how others were better than me that wasnt real. At all, it just was a fantasy that brought comfort.

>>56435 Talking to lains here is a good point to start dealing with your problems, Once you can rationalize and characterize your emotions, you can gauge how acceptable your response to them is. Keeping it all inside just causes it to loop until you become self destructive. >>56438 I started crashing university clubs, its amazing what a bunch of young college kids don't know and you can mentor them. which is a great reward and they look up to you. >>56441 >>56449 STAHP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS YOU AREN'T THEM AND THEY AREN'T YOU, SO DON'T PRETEND THAT THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU. You have dedication to the things you like, but things don't always turn out the way we want. Don't let that discourage you. Also embrace the world, don't fall into escapism or idleness, Focus on Action instead of Activity. Action being meaningful acts, activity being acts for no reason except to kill time. Just act like you are never going to find the right partner. There are so many ways you could die unceremoniously every day and maybe you won't ever find the right partner. If you keep that in mind, then when you do find the right partner, it will be more meaningful than just an achievement that you were working towards (with a high chance of failure if you overextend resources searching).

One of my friends is in a textbook abusive relationship. His girlfriend degrades him, manipulates him, and recently threatened to blackmail him and one of his friends. He is not allowed to talk to any women, even long-time friends, or go to events that have other women. His girlfriend reads all of his messages and I am positive that she has dictated his replies to many of them. It's frustrating and depressing watching him be mistreated and stupidly pressing on because of a delusion that he can fix crazy if he's just a better partner. We're all way too old (late 20s and early 30s) to be dealing with this type of soykaf All of his close friends, including myself, have talked to him. It's clear he's unhappy, but lacks the confidence to end things. I don't think there is anything else we can do to help him. Hopefully he'll come out of it without too much damage soon enough.

>>56441 I'm this Lainon. I had a feeling that just letting my thoughts spill out would strew confusion; it seems that I was correct in my assumption. It seems that whenever I write something down, there's a decent chance that I will disagree with my writing after I've wrote it. This post is for clarification purposes. I'm selfish. I don't care about the opinions of others; I only do actions if I enjoy doing them. There's a specific person I want to be—not a real person, but a preferable version of myself. In order to become this person, I need to do actions that I can't enjoy over a long period of time. I've shifted & changed this person that I want to be to fit what I'm decent at, what I can best tolerate, et cetera; but, I cannot seem to enjoy anything. I used to enjoy programming, mathematics,—a la A Mathematician's Lament—tinkering with my computer, but it seems like during my last moments of high school, all ability to feel enjoyment has vanished. In this time, I have shifted my actions to activities—easy activities. I walk not because I enjoy it, but because it is easy. I lurk imageboards not because I enjoy it, but because it is easy. I fantasize about things I & others have achieved because it is easy. I was content with this lifestyle; I thought I could simulate all of the emotions I needed to, and anything lacking could be supplemented via movies and lurking. That 4chan partnership I mentioned showed me that there is something I can't simulate, and that feeling is love. I had not felt it in my life for anybody, and I couldn't even describe the feeling, up until that point. This has made me think, what other experiences have I assumed I was simulating, but wasn't? It's made me think about my previous experiences in years gone by, and I realized that I wasn't simulating emotions, it was that I had not felt anything in so long that, relative to feeling nothing, attempting to simulate through daydreaming feels like something, even if it's little compared to actual experiences. This ideal person that I want to be is a part of a goal that I've set for myself. I won't go into the details of the goal, but I will say that it requires a lot of knowledge, and about a decade of time. I was speaking to my mother about how she enjoys sewing, as it's something she's good at and does a lot. She told me that she hates sewing, and only does it for the outcome. So, we're in the same situation, and she didn't help me. However, the only thing I want as an outcome will take withstanding about ten years of feeling like I'm doing laundry to acquire. I just want to enjoy things again. I stopped talking to people and having friends because their pressence feels like doing laundry. I stopped trying to program and learn mathematics because it feels like doing laundry. Anything beyond the bare minimum of effort for me feels like doing laundry, and this has made my daily life repetitive and docile. >>56456 > STAHP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS I never was comparing myself to others. I mentioned helping people in the original post because it was one of the last things I could enjoy and succeed at; but I can't enjoy that anymore, due to the lack of enjoyment from being around people. > You have dedication to the things you like, but things don't always turn out the way we want. I don't have dedication to the things I like, because I don't like anything. For me, things only turned out the way I wanted once in a blue moon. > Don't let that discourage you. This is easier said than done. > Also embrace the world, don't fall into escapism or idleness, Focus on Action instead of Activity. This is what I want to do, but it's hard to do when I can't seem to get rewarded for it. (By rewarded, I don't mean actual rewards, but a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.) > Just act like you are never going to find [ … ] chance of failure if you overextend resources searching). No; I'm not going to do that. With my current lifestyle, and the lifestyle I want to have, it involves little to no contact with other people. If I don't try to find somebody, I severely reduce my chances of finding a partner. If I actually do end up coming across a potential candidate in real life, they immediately became unsuitable. Due to my specific emotional and openness requirements, knowing what the other person's face and identity is poses a lot of risk for me and them, and goes against the other project—unrelated to the decade-long one—that I mentioned in my first post. (I haven't formally typed out the directions for the project, but I've typed out a lot of notes.) My only option is to meet somebody anonymously on an imageboard or elsewhere. >>56449 Related to finding a partner, you definitely bring up agreeable points. To do with the 4chan partnership I mentioned earlier, I sometimes wonder if I should go through with my partnership project. When I was with her, I was constantly nervous, and no matter how much I opened up, the feeling of comfort was only temporary. I would get nervous that I was hiding something from her, tell her about the thing, but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't helping that she was rather the opposite, and wouldn't open up to me as much. I must have written about 30,000 to 40,000 words in writings to her—not including our conversations—in our two month LDR. It wouldn't be too bad if I just didn't try to find a partner, as my lack of feeling also applies to feeling loneliness. It would just be nice to have someone I can tolerate around, but not with too much presence, sort of in an "alone-together" type of partnership. Somebody to cuddle and care for, but not to feel incomplete without. Somebody that I can feel as comfortable around as I do myself—a detached extension.

>>56419 literally me Maybe it is time for us to shine, lainon, even if it hurts.

I hate myself. whenever I reflect on past issues I excuse it, I was a teen or I was very young ,whatever, but now I'm in my twenties still self-sabotaging/destructive, I keep failing but very soon I'll run out of chances. every time I reflect on life in general I feel even worse, I'm so clueless on everything, I'm so far from everything,so incapable and missing so much.

Aaaaaaa these last couple of years since I left home have been a trip. I have quite a few stories, but for the sake of the thread I will simply skip to what I have to vent. It's a hard feeling to put into words. I've finally landed a steady job, landed a promotion I can make a career out of, and my self destructive impulses still do not leave me alone. Except these days I no longer have a fear of success that stems from continued success requiring responsibility and discipline. These days part of the fear and desperation that drives me is a combination of my self destructive impulse that has become integrated with my old fear of success. It is no longer a matter of success or failure. I have found the thing I love, and I will let it burn me away metaphorically or kill me. I think that excitement and obsession will bring me success as a side effect,

I am literally never going to be able to afford a home and its driving me insane. I'm doing everything "right", I moved home to save more money, I'm saving more than 2/3rds of my wages a month, I've cut down all my expenses, learned proper budgeting, learned the basics of investments and live in the cheapest area in the UK and I still can't buy anywhere, I almost bought something before the pandemic but was made redundant and had to cancel and now I'm locked out permanently. I've been saving a grand a month for the past 2 years but I still can't keep up with the inflation in the housing market, even a soykafty two bed flat in my home town is now goes for 40k over asking price because some soykaf guzzling kulak will buy anything that comes up so they can get more serfs under them and damn the rest of us. Literally fuarrrking stuck in my parents house like some neet when I work 45 hours a week and do 15 hours of education a week to increase my skill set, I can't justify renting somewhere again either because conditions are so bad now I'd be paying almost 700/month for somewhere unlivable to some absentee landlord parasite that probably owns 20+ houses. I hate this fuarrrking country and I hate people that view housing as an investment.

>>56519 This is why kids yolo gamble with crypto&stocks. Nothing to lose. That aside housing is an investment simply because anyone private will decide if they buy a home to rent based on if its more profit to alternative investments. Why else would you do it? Its more work than putting your cash in a eft and forgetting about it. And same counts for the corps running most of private housing. Secondary you can thank immigration for creating a sellers market. More people more competition. This is why people like me where against it but no gotta play jesus.

I'm depressed for more than 5 years and just can't find a reason to go through therapy. My mom demands that I find a job and I honestly tried. My profession is too advanced for my hometown and people in big cities won't hire me without a job experience. Because of that I tried to work as a cashier in 3 different places, but quit after one or two days of probation. They demand too much tasks and will later put you through qualification tests and I'm always feel unable to do them because of overwhelming anxiety and feeling than I will fail to do them and will be fired. My hands always shake, I stutter while speaking, my body goes hot and cold constantly. And when my colleagues train me to do this and that, I feel too much pressure from them. Even if they're very nice and helpful. And having all of these feelings in your head for 10-12 hours is terrible. I always ended up in tears, feeling hysterical and suicidal. But sometimes, when I'm at my lowest, I remember these workplaces. And I don't know why, but my mind wishes I didn't quit. Even though the salary is terrible and workplace is very stressful, my mind can't let them go. And I don't know what to do.

I don't see a reason to keep living anymore. It's impossible to live without any friends, even in uni I have classes with assignments that require me to have friends. It's like the most basic thing that everyone seems to have figured out and I can't even tell my professor that I can't do this task because I'm friendless, they just won't believe me and I will fail the class. The fact that it's so unbelievable to everyone proves that I don't belong here. I think I got unlucky with where I was born, If I had been born in a different environment with different people I would've been fine but I happen to be born with a bunch of people I'm not compatible with. I figured that if you aren't really a social and outgoing person either you have to get lucky and be born in an environment where there are other people like you, or you have to be a genius otherwise you are completely fuarrrked. So why should I keep living year from year expecting something magical to happen and get me out of this situation? I lost all my friends shortly after high school and I haven't talked to them in years, and I don't think I even want to talk to them again because I know I didn't really belong there and I wasn't being myself when I was around them. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna keep going but every year seems more pointless than the previous one.

>>56520 >Secondary you can thank immigration for creating a sellers market. More people more competition. This is why people like me where against it but no gotta play jesus. Very simplistic view. Immigration is a drop in the bucket compared to the other factors, like increased cost of lumber, steel, and other materials necessary for housing, decreased mortgage rates spurring more buyers, surge in corporate investors buying tons of houses to rent, and pandemic-related issues.

>>56541 Cope, if you look at the population and find natives make 30% that equals 3x the competition thanks to immigration. You wouldn't need any new buildings in first place without increased demand. People also sit in buildings from 20+ years ago. The current market prices mean fuarrrk all in terms of the cost of renting that. Lastly why even bring up another problem that couldn't be changed? I point out something that was a choice unlike market prices on natural resources.

>>56543 You're a moron Natives 30% of the population? 70% of any western country is immigrants? My town that's experienced a 2k population drop in 20 years and is 90% white Irish is completely unaffordable to live in because of inflated property values, not some random brown people you read about in the daily mail, is Muhammed behind the curtain making buildings sit empty because its.more profitable to have them empty and speculate on their value than to sell them or even rent them at afforable rates? Maybe its the African national congress that's responsible for the complete destruction of social housing in the UK, maybe time travelling slovenians went back to the 80s and formed all the slumlord companies and bought up all the council houses. Immigration immigration immigration, all the sub human claret classes can say, they'll be talking about fuarrrking immigrants ruining the country when they're being pushed into work camps by the people they elected

>>56553 >white vs arab this just shows youre a woke retard. Doesnt matter if its jamal or josef. More people is more people. Most stats do the same bullshit as you - count immigrants as part of the pop and say its not that much. Btw im a immigrant too which is why im immune to your retardation. Its always the natives that got raised as professional cocksuckers and will defend their own demise.

>>56553 >they'll be talking about fuarrrking immigrants ruining the country when they're being pushed into work camps by the people they elected This is mistaken. These persons were not elected by the people, the people doesn't elect one or another, they are just given a handful of equally bad choices and told "pick one", but it's a far fetch from the people truly selecting their leader. Furthermore, either of their choices is actually part of the same organ within society, a political class whose interests is ALWAYS at odds with that of the people they govern. Their interests are always with the oligopolies. It doesn't matter whether you "elect" Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich. Third, it is not just that "the evil kapytalyztz und the guvarrmont" are out to get you and will fuarrrk you over. Sure, they are, and they will, but the people with their consuming patterns and general indolence that support the institutions that opress them. I do agree with your main point though, and as you said, blaming immigrants is a way of supporting their own oppressors.

>>56164 My head hurts a fuarrrking lot and i miss a person i thought loved me. Wanna hug and kiss someone strongly, feel all those hormones flowing through me.

>>56558 :( i feel you anon

>>56558 >>56576 Me too, seems like a common thing :')

>>56164 learn yesterday that i girl i wanted to go out with is lesbian. fuarrrk this

>>56579 Happens to me all the time. All the women I happen to like (mostly the awkward, homely types that I feel I'd have common ground with) are either lesbian or asexual. No idea why.

>>56585 i get what you mean, i'm the same. I noticed that girls that are not lambda are more likely to be LGBT (be it artsy girl or more introverted girls, or geeks, etc). I guess its exposure to different things than other kinds of people

When I am feeling painfully lonely I tend to self-isolate, which of course makes it worse, turning into a worsening cycle until someone happens along to pull me out of it. I suppose I do this because I don't feel that my friends really understand me on a deep level and wouldn't be interested in talking to me about such things, or maybe not capable of it. And it's not really a hunch, but rather something that has been proven through experience as I have attempted it many times with different people. I just wish I had a friend who I would always be comfortable talking to no matter how I am feeling. I had one before and I really miss that, but have not been able to find it again. Of course, I still value my friends for who they are and what they bring to my life, but I still think I am missing something very important. I have nobody to provide me emotional succor, not even family which I suppose is the "default" for most people, nor do I have a spouse/SO or a best friend like that. It gets very tough being mentally alone like this and it's very unhealthy.

It's so hard to deal with being misunderstood. I understand the importance of my lesson, and how to integrate these feelings to have a better inner life. It still feels terribly bleak though, the relationships I want externally only exist internally with myself and my soul, but that just seems so lonely..

Soon i'll be 28. I have absolutely no friends. I have never had a social circle, let alone met a girl. Tried to make some friends back at uni, but I was always the option. The 3rd wheel. Tried to make some friends at work, but I was welcomed with mockery and disdain ... like I was some sort of a pariah. It felt pretty awful and I had to plan my schedule and where to sit in the open space just to avoid them. Kinda reminded me of highschool. I feel lonely ..... and frankly exhausted. At least I have a job and can be self sufficient. I am trying to do some activities like learn piano, but sometimes I wonder if i am doing this because I enjoy it or just to have an ersatz of a social life. Often I get back to the gaming addiction, but right now I just don't want to play any games anymore.

>>56524 You seem to suffer from anxiety and rise of cortisol due to stressful situations. I had that too and no amount of meds helped me. Until I stumbled on a plant called "Rhodiola rosea", at first I was skeptic but I decided to buy the supplement. I felt quite relieved and latter I learned it's a plant that has the ability to block the rise of the stress hormone cortisol.

I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but damn do I wish that privacy-oriented communities didn't attract so many mentally ill people.

>be nice to people and try to connect Get used for university assignments and get ghosted when you refuse after a while. >try to meet up with people you knew before Most of them became evil people just keeping you at arms reach for personal gain. How am I even supposed to have irl connections with people? Everyone over the age of 20 either has zero interest in me or has something to gain from me while laughing behind my back. I'm losing all my hope.

>>56629 Imo all normal relationships are build around mutual benefits. You are just not as much aware of it as kids. I.E. why do you make friends easy early? Cause you want someone to play with and any random will do to fulfill each others need to play. At 20+ it gets harder because now you want more than what any random can provide and thus people filter each other out. The relationships i sustained are build on common interests with low hurdles like playing tennis together and gaming. Im kind of unhappy to admit it but all the social gathering nonsense i considered stupid for networking is essentially the same as what im doing now playing games just to sustain my old social circle with the last common ground left.

world's fuarrrked and there's nothing we can do about it

>>56627 They wouldn't attract crazies if there was any form of quality control to rightfully push out any political opportunists or hoaxer nuts who can't or won't debate honestly and prove their claims. Why do privacy orianted communities have to tolerate whackos? fuarrrk 'em.

>>56642 Privacy people are considered whackos among norm1es. Extrapolate from that if you can

>>56629 After about 8 years of being a complete and utter neet and a useless person, am kinda starting to get my soykaf together. So now, at the grand age of 32, I started actively trying to make friends and I noticed everything you said, lain. In fact, most of the friends am making (including the girl I started to date) are around 20-22. I kind accepted that people my age are simply way too different to ever be able to form a genuine connection with them. Younger ones, though they see me with a bit of rose-tainted glasses because of the age difference, are still so much easier to connect with simply because life didnt give them the baggage and the armor needed to survive, just yet. Hell, I have been trying to befriend these two persons my age, both women. Our conversations are often very superficial and they never answer my messages on time. Meanwhile, I messaged a 19 years old just to ask her for a favor (Nothing creepy, just needed her to put me in contact with an artist she knew), and she immediately started chatting me up and being all friendly and interested. Yes, I know. The age gap and the life difference and everything about this makes it seem creepy and abnormal. But honestly how normal is it to have neeted for 8 years? I had a terribly abnormal life and I accepted that I will always have an easier time being friends (or more) with people who are younger than me.

>>56649 > don’t tolerate political extremists who at their core do not really believe in privacy or freedom > don’t tolerate soykafflinging rhetoric. If a claim cannot be proven it shouldn’t be entertained. Look at the way holocaust deniers or flat earthers do things. Endless logical fallacies, drowning out opponents dissent, disseminating misinformation, whatever lets their “tribe” “win”. At the end of the day they come to privacy sites not because they care about freedom or privacy as a universal right, but only as a means to their ends. They only want freedom as long as it benefits their “tribe” and once it becomes inconvenient they are happy to strip it from everyone. As for crazies. There’s a world of difference between being considered crazy for not trusting groups which persistently and evidentially watch everyone with indifferent analytical engines, and believing the government has a specific interest in tracking some joe to torment them. That difference is paranoia. People may dismiss global surveillance because it makes them uncomfortable and they can’t see a way out of it, but theres a difference between that and believing the world is run by a satanic cabal of pedophiles. Do you get me? I’m frustrated with opportunist cryptoauthoritarians and legitimately delusional people exploiting privacy communities for some short sighted sense of victory. I believe some kind of filter And cultural standard would do a worlds difference in preventing this degeneration.

>>56686 >holocoaust deniers and flat earthers both irrelevant, if you dont want to entertain them get rid of it for being off topic. The mechanism you describe was also used by the current mainstream movement. The people who got in quickly turned arround to exclude others. What i was talking about is something different though. A lot of real soykaf gets burried as crazy talk. Examples were we know the truth now are cacner from smoking & asbestos being held as nonsense both over 20years while internal research was stored away showing it true. Another example from med the first sleeping pills that led to birth defects where victims got jackshit. Now thats the past that people agree on. Today you likewise will have people labelled crazy for questioning safety / going against marketing that will be proven right decades later. Thats the crazies i meant. They try to sound the alarm same way privacy people tried to get mases to adopt valuing pricacy. Its sympathy for people in the same spot in this case.

Today was my birthday but nobody irl wished me a happy birthday.

>>56723 Happy birthday friend

>>56723 happy birthday, lain! may it preceed an excellent year

>>56723 I might not be your irl friend, but happy birthday, Lain~

>>56723 happy birthday lain!

>>56723 Had this happen to me one time for most of the day. At night I went to a supermarket and the cashier told me happy birthday. It was so unexpected I almost cried, even if it was just her system telling her since I used my point card.

I feel like my mind is being poisoned, like I can physically feel it, I hate this, I want to live

Romantic love and sexual desire are a pig-disgusting carrot on a stick. I'm sick of wanting them and I'm sick of them influencing my behavior every day. If I were completely rid of them my life would drastically improve. My happiest days are those where I care least about love. I want revenge on the part of my mind that idealizes love. If that part of my mind could manifest as a human being I'd beat the soykaf out of it. I wish I could be utterly and completely rid of wanting love and sex, forever. I want to never again have them cross my mind. It's so stupid and pointless to have these things haunt my mind when I'm likely to never experience them. And even if I do get to experience them, they're ugly things that can never ever come close to their idealized versions. I'm convinced that "love" is fiction, a sort of mass self-perpetuating delusion where people keep talking about it because they're searching for it, leading other people to keep searching for it and keep the cycle going. So many books, songs, movies, etc. about love that keep the delusion going, indoctrinating people in it from a young age. Pretty much everyone grows out of their "I'm going to be an astronaut!" phase, so why can't we grow out of our "I want to find love!" phase? Face it, only a few lucky ones get to experience the good stuff. It's stupid. I hate it. I WANT PEACE OF MIND

I am going to quit my fuarrrking job because they have sent us some disgusting pig blob instead of an actually useful person or at least a useless person that's quiet. 9 hours a day of constant loud grunting and slapping and smacking and constant fuarrrking eating, I'm done, I'm not sitting next to this subhuman for the next 8 months or however long it will be until he shuffles off to some sewer or back to wherever he fuarrrked up in badly enough for them to send him to me.

>>56270 I know the feeling although I want to swap my okayish job for a higher payong job that would be permanently remote. I am also working on side hussles. I also want to get my ppl for fun as the world is off limits and I want to explore and flying seems like my best option.

>>56297 Congrats. I plan to do that once I pay down some bills and have enough to go full bore on it but I might take a discovery flight for the hexk of it.

>>56765 Relate so hard to this, my life improved so much when i dropped it.

I know this will probably be a bit of a weird feeling, but I am feeling genocidal. Not of people, but of countries. I want every country to fall that supported medical tyranny to fall like The Ukraine is. I really don't like Russia but I also dislike the anti-freedomland much of it has become.

everything feels retarded, predictable, meaningless, or a combination of any of the above. i am not having a good time and the idea of having to struggle another fourty or fifty years like that is not inspiring. i'd rather take the easy way out

>>56838 Most leaders are ego maniacs who wants to prove something to themselves to hide some form of insecurity The only solution in modern society is to be decentralized stateless society , more like p2p society Internet and early forms of crypto (not the current state of scam cryptos) helped a lot and pushed the humanity one step further to that society When will it happen ? It has to , but when i don't know i hope i see it soon

>>56847 I get that lain but I really think in order ro pushoff these yolks we need a way to oefanize in secret. I really think there is a need for something like a Knights Templar or Free Msons to organize revolution. Before anyone calls me a glow in the dark, I get it is not that easy with how fuarked up stuff is but all I am saying is the revolutionaries in the 1700s and 1800s had societies they could lean on and strong outside helps ( even the American Revolution had strong backing from the French). As far as decentralization I don't disagree and that is my desire, but because these have been opposed violently a streak has grown in me that has a blood lust. Even looking at what is going on in Russia while I think both Ukraine and Russia are both war criminals the Western side has not been punished for their tyranny and so in a way I want to live vicariously through Russia in that Russia calls Europe's bluff and who knows what else. ( sorry for the brief digression into current evens). But on decentralization I am trying to learn skills to make decentralization.

Everytime I hear a recording of my voice I cringe to oblivion and beyond. I never realized how much I sound like a complete glitterboy. My voice, the way I talk, the way I end my sentences... Everything about my speech is absolutely cringey. This explains so much, to be honest. But also how can I fix things as ingrained in me as my voice or my speech mannerisms?

>>56765 I feel you lain. I used to hold a similar stance, but consider it this way: why not care about love? Once basic necesities are taken care of (i.e. shelter, food), life becomes pretty monotone. Most people fall into a similar pattern: go to school, pursue further studies and or work, retire and die. So when our lives are already so dull and repetitive, why not hope/look for love? >I'm convinced that "love" is fiction, a sort of mass self-perpetuating delusion Is love glorified? Without a shadow of a doubt. The media portrays it as "the solution to all your problems", which is unquestionably false. Although it is not the be-all and end-all of life, it absolutely helps one cope with the rest of the misery in our lives. >Face it, only a few lucky ones get to experience the good stuff. Those few only get to experience the good stuff because they tried.

I fuarrrked it up with the girl I like

>>56872 HAHAHAHAHAH! glitterboy.

Been getting absolutely fuarrrking drunk every single night since last August. I'm not really that old, even my grandfather used to tell me he used to drink since he was 13 before he passed away. It's such a convenient way to forget, during all evenings. Everything comes back to women. Always. I can have as many philosophical discussions with myself coping why I haven't had a girlfriend, why I've never touched a woman, why I was bullied for being ugly, why I have no friends years after highschool, why all my past friends have girlfriends etc etc. It tears away at you. I still have hope for the future, I guess I'm still young.

for the first time in my life, a large part of me really genuinely feels that i am beyond recovery, that i can't improve my situation or myself and that i will suffer like this for the rest of my life. that feeling really hurts. i am nearing 30 and through my whole life i've had this unbreakable cornerstone of faith in the back of my mind reassuring me that no matter how bad things get they would right themselves eventually, that i would heal given time and opportunity, that the sun would rise eventually and there will always be tomorrow. don't know how it got there or why it was so strong but now it's gone and i just feel sick every time i think about myself and my life.

i have been kinda schizo since i was a little kid, when i was put on an allergy medication (singulair) which gave me severe hallucinations, now it's a documented phenomenon but at the time this effect was unknown (supposedly. who knows if it really was) whatever. since then this behavior has been bleeding into other parts of my personality. most recently, my natural pattern recognition, tendency towards superstition, and (what i think is) normal teenage search for meaning have been combining into a strange sensation. basically, i will be going about my day and witness patterns in my world - in my surroundings, in others' behavior, in my own thoughts, whatever it may be - and suddenly it will dawn upon me that *this* is the meaning of life, the root of it all. of course it's not, but my monkey brain convinces me it is. i try and explain it away but can't shake the feeling of some higher meaning it isn't helped at all by the strange events happening with my dreams as well. lately i have been remembering dreams i had in the past - ones that feel years and years old. i can't remember exactly when i had them, i can't even remember thinking about them when i woke up from them originally, but these nonsensical stories come to me fully written, the images fully rendered, vivid as the dreams i've had each night since i started singulair as a kid. so they must be dreams, right? it feels significant, and it feels like it's leading up to something, something's coming soon

>start dating an extremely insecure girl >discuss her insecurities and always try to change her mindset, constantly being an encouraging and positive presence in her life >she gets more and more confident, starts meeting more people, making new friends and feeling more secure in her self >coincidentally also starts losing interest in me and slowly creating distance A tale old as time. I expect her to break up with me soon and start going on the "finding herself" cock ride right after. Hell, her breaking up would be the novel thing since most of them just cheat, now.

>>56901 It's NOT cheating lainon, it's called being poly-amorous and it makes you part of the LGBTPQRSTUV spectrum It's all so tiresome On a more serious note, talk to her about your expectations and don't be pushy. A lot of people don't communicate well, and communication is the root of their relationship falling apart. Ask her how she feels about your relationship and explain your observations without sounding accusatory. Tell her how much you enjoy her newfound confidence. My ex dated 2 other guys behind my back when I was at work. I found out from her mom that she was cheating on me, because her mom liked me and thought the other guys were trash. My ex ended up being diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder which she tried to "solve" with marijuana because one of her normal person friends told her it would work. One of her other BFs was married, and I thought about telling his wife for the lulz, but my ex didn't want me to ruin his life She had a thing for married guys and at first thought I was married. Glad that relationship didn't go anywhere and somehow I never had sex because of the universe cockblocking me, one of the other guys did get her pregnant because she lied about being on birth control. That was a long fuarrrking year.

>>56907 >Glad that relationship didn't go anywhere and somehow I never had sex because of the universe cockblocking me, one of the other guys did get her pregnant because she lied about being on birth control. Pic related.

>>56908 fuarrrk m8 you could be a father by now but here you are just poasting about how much of a fvggot you are.

Sorry if the post is chaotic but it was more like a stream of thoughts. I feel like I wasted my life and it's too late now to fix it I am 33 this year. For the last 5 years I was at the PhD programme from humanities discipline. Right now I really don't want to finish it because I don't care anymore. It won't even get me a job. When I was starting that, the idea of being in academia, being a schoalr was great for me, like something the most important. Now I don't care anymore, I just want to have a steady job, income. I hate the atmosphere that was in my Institute, and is in most of the Insitutes. Probably I won't finish it even if I would want to because I have only couple of months left and I am starting a full time job next week. I wasted the last 4 months on just sitting, sleeping, playing games and fapping. I am quite happy that I am starting something next week because finally I will go out and meet with people. However I feel that I should change my career for something with more perspectives than I have right now. I always spent a lot of time with computers but I don't even have any particular IT set of skills. I can do basic stuff but I don't have any experience so I won't get a job. I could work with foreign language but I don't know it well enough and because of lack of energy I am not learning it anymore. I feel like a total failure. And also I feel that everone around me expects me to finish this damn paper and be a useless scholar which makes me even more anxious. Because of this hole situation with war, prices going super high and uncerteinty of the future it would be nice to have at least a steady job. My country is going to hell slowly, probably might be next in line for being attacked by Russia, I have to go abroad to get decent money in my field (which I am doing right now). I don't have any plan for the future. Sometimes the depression, bad thoughts and fears are getting very crippling but 3 hours later everything is fine. Nobody around me even suspects that I am such a mess because for all those years I have lerned how to hide what I feel and think. I wish that I could go back in time and concentrate on IT career instead of what I am doing right now. Everybody around me talks about career swithcing and how it' s popular but I don't event know how to start. The worst thing is that I don't even know if I want to switch. I can't make any real decisions because I am too afraid to decide something and stick to it. I know that my job right now is kinda dead end and I would have to stay in another country but I like it and it's the only thing I've been doing so far besides some soykafty part time job during studies. And additionally I am still realizing this childhood dream of this particular career but the question is it worth it? I look at my friends on different fields getting decent money, buying houses or appartments and starting families and I envy them. All I have is some saved money which could suffice me for like a year maybe. No girlfriend, still living with parents for the last 4 months, no real skills to use in life.

I'm pretty normal on paper and can function normally in society but often don't feel like its happening to "me". Its like i'm unconsciously going through actions and ive gotten really good at it making a lot of things easier for me but at the cost of actually feeling it. For example I excel at my university work however it doesn't feel real as I as myself dont care about it but rather the autopilot side of me thinks it important to having an easy life. The same thing applies to other settings like at home where I have a great relationship with my parents while I feel that I wouldn't even feel concerned should they disappear. I normally only am present as myself when I'm alone with my thoughts and have not yet found anyone whom with I confide my real feelings. It sounds pretty good and really does make stuff easier but I have a love hate relationship with the power to do things on auto pilot. Usually every couple of months I get extremely depressed to the point where I struggle to go outside on my own yet I still appear normal to others in my personal life because they don't really see "me". In consequence at these times I am doing great both academically and socially while I feel myself to be near suicidal and it just intensifies my depression. Another thing is I have this innate desire to ruin my life out of boredom. Again its hard to really put into words but I feel excited by the idea of the destruction of my life even without feeling suicidal and like thinking about novel ways it could happen. For example about 50% of the time i'm in a car with someone I think about what would happen if we got into a crash. Another thing I commonly think about is what would happen if I was offered drugs. I don't do any drugs for moral reasons but if I did I have no doubt I'd be a full on addict. I've also noticed that I started to desire depression if its been a while and almost eagerly await it. I've thought about why I might feel this way about everything and come to the conclusion that its purely for the thrill in the same way walking along the edge of a building is. I've never really told anyone the full extent of all this but a couple of my friends who I talk to regularly clued in on some of it and straight up told me that thinking like this was not normal and that I should probably seek therapy. I've thought about it myself too and am pretty confident that I'd be diagnosed with something though am not really sure what it would be but have resolved not to try it for mainly two reasons. Firstly because I am not only doing fine, but exceeding in life should you look at it from the eyes of a normal person. If I did go I'd have to trade this life in as I'd have to reveal myself to my parents bringing unnecessary concern and deal with all the baggage associated with getting diagnosed. It would not really be an issue for them but I hate pity more than anything and do not want to be pitied for being depressed or for having whatever else it may be. Secondly because I think that living my life with my "sick" mind is better than living a life which is not even mine. I may think abnormally and it may screw me over in the long run but I'd rather screw myself over as myself than be happy as someone sedated on some next medication. Even suicide I think is a valid choice so long as it is done out of a person's free will. I'm curious as to what I might be diagnosed with but I'd literally rather die than have it changed to conform to whatever they're "normal" may be. I enjoy my life even when I'm at my lowest and though it may be extremely self sabotaging am happy with it, at least for myself. Though I wouldn't be saying all this if I was really content with everything. Sorry for writing a whole essay but I think lains might understand me so I thought I'd ask for some advice/vent.

Im depressed af today. I dont think Im gonna get benefits after this month and am just going to have to wing it with the funds I have. I dont have a desire to get a paid job. Ive done everything I can think of. I make music, thats going well at least. I dont think Ill make any real money from it ever tho.

recently saw that my first gf, has a boyfriend now. it is a weird feeling to realize that she is much more uglier in its current state and there is someone that fell for her. i wonder when he is going to realize she is a piece of soykaf gold digger. my last girl friend found a new boy 2 months after our breakup too. i mean, I am happy for her. she was a good girl that doesn't want to , you know, be in a real marriage kind of relationship. it was best for us to seperate early on. those days i am talking with a girl who i know like 6 years. we used to hang out around the block, make comfy conversation and soykaf like that. then stoped talking for a year or so. now we are talking again, everything is weird. like i know her and she knows me; it is certain that there is something between us but both of us too similar to a degree that we can not hold a serious conversation for too long or make any kinds of long conversations at all (if we are not talking about funny things and cats ofc) dunno. not depressed. or might be. gotta work.

Not really venting, but did you guys know that even the way you laugh changes as a result of prolonged social isolation/alienation? If outward expressions of pain (and joy) - like screams (and laughter) - are essentially about nonverbal communication, then it would make sense that with no people around you whom to communicate these things or witnessing them, they would start to dramatically change their form. I remember a time when I used to laugh out with such a hearthy chuckle so loud that I could feel my lungs emptying of air. Nowadays I sounds like Marge's laugh from The Simpsons with a raspy, but with a tepid and reserved tone - almost like how people who feel uncomfortable or nervous tend to laugh. Dunno. Pretty interesting.

>>57062 I can believe it, my own experience isn't that far off. Also, I read something a while ago [citation needed] that said you become more vulnerable to physical pain as a result of prolonged isolation. Your endorphin production changes or some such. If I cut or burn myself by accident in the kitchen, it bothers me a lot more than it used to. As the pain subsides, the intense feelings of loneliness are worse than usual.

Just cut everything off from the only people I knew in real life, now I can just sit back and let the yawning void of isolation and depression consume me. They were terrible fuarrrking people, but they were the only actual friends I ever had, I knew them since middle and high school. We would do things like play video games together and would VC for long times and do stuff like eat and watch movies IRL, but now it's all over. I really should've done this a long time ago, but couldn't out of fear and cowardice. I didn't want to be alone, and I was under the mentality of "something is better than nothing", so I just stuck with them and allowed myself to be subject to their treatment. I wish I knew better people, I wish I were surrounded by better people, I wish that the lot of people that I was dealt aren't the ones that I'm stuck with, I wish I had friends again. Is that weird? Is it weird to want companionship? Is it weird to not want to be alone? Where did I go wrong? Why am I like this? Why do I crave friendship despite probably being better off without it? What even are friends in the first place? Are they even real things? Can people even really be "friends" in the first place?

>>56164 I'll just leave this here, this is the *ONLY* thing that helps me when I'm in pain: I look up extremely fuarrrked up people on the Internet, be it some guy who blew up in some car accident and got 99% of his skin melted, some guy who needs painful 10 hour-long daily treatment because of muh genes. That fuarrrking forced tranny kid who suicided and his family. Basically anyone who is more fuarrrked up than I am in certain vectors. I then watch the documentary, read stories or listen to rants from these people etc... Any material that I can get my hands on. I try to focus on them a bit and forget my state. Then I look at my life and if I was focused enough it feels like I woke up from a bad dream and that thank God soykaf isn't so bad. Might not work for everyone, but I find literally any other advice to be bullshit and not actually work.

I am 28 and reached Wisdom with a big W a few years ago (inb4 Dunning-Kruger case, I know that 99% of people saying that are, just entertain the narrow possibility that I'm right) which made me realize my nature alienates me from virtually everybody. Now, the problem isn't the pain of such alienation or keen awareness of reality; wisdom implies having the willpower to endure what cannot be changed. My problem is that I (naturally, with a romantic life so empty that it makes Grave of the Fireflies and Texhnolyze seem fun and after having consumed a lot of fiction with classical values and/or aesthetics) long for romance of a purity and quality unrealistic in the caricature of Sodom & Gomorrah that is modern urban France (including small cities, < 6k people in mine). I know that I should simply give up on it, but while acceptance of reality is one thing, complete resignation is the step I'm not able to clear; "after all", says my treacherous mind, "I'm not hideous in the least and have a carefully trained body; I can even listen to ordinary people (when they talk about anything that isn't what the electric yid put in their mouth) with actual interest. Maybe a woman worth the standards I impose myself does exist!". So I guess I'm just waiting for the constant and sharp pain to dull itself. By the way, am I the only one getting a bit addicted to this special kind of self-pity? The kind that comes from that glitterboy God having put you in one of the worst time in the civilisational cycle and having made you aware that you're living the fall of Rome 2.0, just cubed for more fun. After a bit of pondering, the fact that I'm doing the best I can with the hand I was dealt and that I have no regrets is what makes it that sweet. And after all, how could I enjoy listening to Swans, Eyehategod, Iron Monkey or Mütiilation without it =)?

I always struggled to integrate socially, but i never thought it would go as far as losing the privilege of having a social circle.

I wish there was a way to be done with the nonsense on loop that is life without leaving the people that care to pick up the pieces and fend for themselves. No one should have to rage alone against this broken system. Yet at the same time, remaining a part of it is hardly tolerable. People spend all this time trying to immortalize things, masking the impermanence and suffering that are an unavoidable part of life. They want to know their mark on the world will survive them. What I want is diametrically opposed. A blank slate where I used to be. No memories. No connections. The absence of anything at all to indicate I was ever here. A complete and utter impossibility... Fighting tooth and nail to hang on by a thread is exhausting, but imparting that suffering to others that need my help is unconscionable. Is conscience only meant to weigh me down? A conscience never got in the way of those that put me down here. All the people above the rest of us seem exempt, too, while we scramble to ameliorate the problems they created. An evolutionary mechanism meant to keep humanity connected and working for the common good instead keeps us cleaning up their messes while they suck our blood. Remorseless parasites we voted for with our things lead us through fruitless mazes, drawing lines in the sand for us to fight over. Whatever it takes to keep us from noticing the actual problem. People talk about what an opportunity life is. I want so badly to see it that way. I can see it a little sometimes. Glimpses of color and beauty. But when things get dark, it's hard to see any of that instead of perceiving it as a painful imposition. I don't want to hurt anyone, but staying around so others don't get hurt is tearing me apart. It feels like someone's standing on my lungs and everyone's telling me to breathe. I wish life would let up so I could catch my breath.

>>57086 determined to define yourself, it helps immensely to be around others who seek the same. As they say: you are who you hang around. Friendship is great when you understand it must be of mutual interest, that it's about furthering each other's goals. Playing videogames and VC'ing reveals a fickleness that probably instigated you cutting them off. A good measure for a friendship is whether or not you feel like an empty flesh suit that can be swapped out any moment. Videogames are filled with empty suits Your hopelessness in finding a like-minded person is a valid feeling. Friends are only real when they are built upon solid ground. Friendship, when set upon mutual goals and interests, when it is an INVESTMENT in one another, yields a rare fruit in the world of faceless peoples who you are is who you become, so I think the reason anyone craves friends, is because they want some catalyst when they can't find the catalyst within themselves they need help seeing there is something more when all they see are people locked in their virtual prisons some inspiration All of this could be realized by yourself, but it's just hard when you're up against all of the things you come across in the world today, and all of that which lurks in your head even now and shedding all that you've been from what feels like a wasted life

Feeling like I'm about to have another depressive phase coming. It scares me but is also such a comforting feeling as its the only time I feel truly honest to myself. I just want to do nothing and waste away in my room, can't be bothered with being useful any longer

I've been violating myself. Being too numb, definitely changes some things. Perceiving new information becomes a hunchback that you can not fix by standing still. Not everything is like that, I got some emotions left there. Everytime i see a person who is better than me, I get pumped up with desire to better than them. And everytime I see a person who is in a worse state than me, I become rageous for them for not trying. This is not healthy, drifting away while watching your mind going insane isn't fun. Still, I wear a face everyday to be accepted into friend-groups or any soykaf like that. I used to be extremely Stoic, now; nothing. I don't know and don't have a clue. Femme-fatale has gone. Long distance relationship vice versa and some soykaf like that. I thought I should've feeling something at that particular moment, but only thing I got in my hands is numbness. Happily, I don't drink or smoke. Which that means I am not going to leave a permament damage to my life. Timings are bad sometimes. Bought a harmonica recently. Blowin in the wind solo was the first song I played, looking forward to play more. Or something good day.

Today I tried to drag an alcoholist who was trying to extort money from me under a bus along with myself in broad daylight. I'm not particularly proud of it, nor am I really ashamed of it. Merely astounded and dumbfounded - at least on a rational level. I'm fully aware of the irrational tendencies within all men and I do try not repressing them too much because it would just create even worse problems for everyone around me, but never before had I imagined how suddenly, powerfully and completely they could swamp my reason. I still just can't seem to register fully into my consciousness what had actually happened today. I'm normally a calm, reserved and cautious person, and I have never before resorted to violence with the intention of hurting someone even if I did hate the person. But I didn't even hate the bum. And even now I garner no ill-will towards him whatsoever. I actually feel pity for him. The thought of pushing him over on the sidewalk so that he'd lose his grip on my hand and I could make a run for it did cross my mind, but seriously what the fuarrrk was that?! How does one get the idea of jumping in front of a bus when they see one about to pass them by? Isn't that something a psychopath would do? I may have been a bit scared or threatened of his in-the-face attitude, but that was clearly and without a question an excessive response on my part. So far I've told myself that I was merely trying to scare him off, but how do I know that that isn't just a rationalization? But even if it weren't, you can't get more reckless than that: what if the man hadn't resisted? What if the bus hadn't swerved to avoid us? What if the bus had ran over someone else after avoiding us? Post hoc I did (and still do) feel like I was in total control of the situation, but how could I have known all those unknown factors at the time? In no way, that's how. And no matter how much I try scolding, shaming or blaming myself, no matter how hard I try arguing with myself and no matter how much I try going over the situation in my head, I can't change my mind over it. The guy or the people around us could've seriously gotten hurt, but I can't seem to recognize it on an emotional level. If I don't change how I feel about it it might end up reinforcing my behavior or even validating my attitude towads it, and if the day should come when something similar were to happen, I might not be so lucky that time around. What the fuarrrk do I do, lainons?

>>57092 >By the way, am I the only one getting a bit addicted to this special kind of self-pity? The kind that comes from that glitterboy God having put you in one of the worst time in the civilisational cycle and having made you aware that you're living the fall of Rome 2.0, just cubed for more fun. No, you aren't. Definitely not.

VTubing used to be special. It was a way for you to express yourself, engage in mild transhumanism and be a virtual entity, and create funny things for a small niche audience. Now it's just another vessel for emotionally vile normal users to exploit others for money and sell them soykaf. I need a new hobby, but there's nothing left. Every sacred thing has been defiled.

>>57334 I think what you need is an interest that can't really be monetised. An interest that, for whatever reason, is either highly resistant or outright immune to advertising. Good luck with finding that.

>>57335 I think what that lain, and most people really need is an actually creative hobby. VTubing is just using consuming something. Not a dumb tv show like the old ones, but a new kind of tv show for the new ones. Mind you, I am still guilty of watching youtubers and streamers. But I am personally trying to ween myself out of that by practicing writing and drawing whenever I feel the urge to watch dumb soykaf instead.

I am a feedee/gainer pervert who has Bipolar I and personality disorders, and has had psychotic episodes. I used to (or still do) post cringe Bipolar/crazy-person thoughts on Lainchan, to no fanfare or response, and now everybody hates me within this community, even though I feel like this is truly the only place I belong on the Internet. My mental health disorders are so embarrassing, and they've caused me to produce so much tard cum for Lainchan, but despite it all, I just can't get this place out of my mind. I love Lain so much, she helped me through a very hard time when I was in middle school, figuring out my sexuality and identity. She introduced me to that wonderful feeling of "unreality" that surreal art can bring, and she introduced me to the joy of the Internet's deep dives. Now that I'm an adult, all I have is Lainchan [dot] org, but I'm just too cringe to be on here. I love Lain so much, but I'm just too cringe to exist here. All I want to do is "go away," somewhere far, far away. "Disappear."

I begged a higher power to send someone to help lift me up from the ditch I was in, as I was so close to an heroing myself. Then a week or two after that, I meet a cute older gril in the same position. We decided to help each other dig ourselves out of our problems, and we've both come to care a lot for each other. However while I've come to love her, I don't know if she loves me that way but it's very likely to be not. I feel incredibly lucky to have her, and I'd be devastated if I lose her somehow, either by my own insanity, or her own change of heart. I don't know. I can afford to coast on our partnership for a few months more, but I'm getting worried over what eventually has to happen. I'd regret it until my death if I don't ask her out, but I'll regret it more if I fuarrrk it up and can't impress her.

>>57342 reinvent yourself. or don't, those willing to listen will still welcome you. everyone's connected

>>57115 I was going to talk about one of my problems too, and since your comment is related to the subject, i'm tagging it. I can't find a single person in my life that could be a potential friend, a real one; not one to just chitchat and do fun stuff, but actually to grow together. here's the thing, i always felt different from the people i considered friends, i always ended up, at some point, slowly cutting contact with them. they all had no inspirations, no desires in life, no desire to grow as persons and no dreams, all they always ended up talking about was what "fun" thing they did or what "fun" thing they want to do; "fun" as in meaningless, dangerous, and with no tangible benefit. I made a real friend like a year and a half ago, we met online in a forum and ended up as best friends; he was everything i could want on a friend: not afraid of saying what he thinks, always doing anything he could to reach his goals, actually interested on what i had to say (and not only that, he ended up doing a ton of cool stuff because he saw how good for him it would be to do some of the things i do); he was 8 years younger than me, a teenager, but i could have more meaningful conversations with him that i could with anyone else. He understood a lot of things i mentioned like if he was a classmate of mine (i've been an engineering student for some years). But then covid happened; he took care of never leaving his house, but his father brought the virus to his house and that cool friend with a lot of dreams and aspirations in life lost the battle against the virus. To the point, i don't go outside that much, and i've been spiralling down ever since He's no longer with us, so even if my brain asks me to keep grinding in life, sadly i belong to a social species and feel the need of meeting people like me, people that want to grow (or heal, or change) and accomplish something in life. I don't find any events in my area where i could find people like this, and this year i'm visiting university only to go to the library, so i don't know how i could make some real irl friend.

I think, thats it. I strangely feel fulfilled, I was always smart, but yet, lazy until my 17s, after that, it just went away, and these days I snapped, in a good way, suddenly, lucidity, clear thoughts flowing, out of fuarrrking nowhere, I feel here and alive, capable. Sometimes I wonder that school here, in a third world country, ruined it all, but it didnt, I was great at math but yet, in school I hated it, studying alone I felt the pleasure, not something orgasmic, but something. I still don't love it, but I like to program, started messing with GNU/Linux in my 12,13,14. I cant even remember, But I remember trying to program in C when I was 13, on a rainy day. It was boring but I still continued messing with linux, kek I even remember deleting my fuarrrking CPU microcode just to see what would happen. I started getting deep into programming in my 14/15s, but had no idea why I wanted to go deep into it. learnt a lot, but didnt apply for nothing and some of the knowledge faded away in some time, In my 16 I ran an imageboard which was uncensorable, had few domains, tor access, good times. It was a tech centric one. I learnt a lot about webservers and security as I had to care a lot about fuarrrkers trying to fuarrrk the imageboard up. I spend nights woke moderating or fixing soykaf, was horrible but I kinda miss it. Now I am 18, this year I will be 19 in september, I am in university too, I remember in my 17s I didnt want to work with programming or anything related to IT, but I am too proficient with it to just dump it away, I started to love it again as I started thinking rationally and by myself. In my late 15 to my 18s, I matured a lot, a lot of things happened, and you know what? These things made me mature years ahead of a lot of people, because of that I am making no errors, feel centered, it will just work out if I continue. What probably fuarrrked me up but helped me is to understand the state of my family, narcisism, lgnorance and lazyness, I feel like a stranger, sometimes it seems I am the only one that knows something. Other thing that I realized that even if I was recognized in school as the smart kid, got IQ tested, got around 129, got access to courses in university for free because of it, I felt so proud of it, but holy soykaf, I am still a dipshit lmao. It hasnt changed SHIT because I was a lazy fuarrrk, I realized that if I knew WHY I was programming in my 15s, I could be working now, with 18, and see, you might be asking yourself, "why hes so desperate to be a wageslave"? I ask myself the same thing. Maybe because I want to leave my home? I was abused for small soykaf, truly humiliated for nothing, just because I was different. Sometimes I wonder about my potential, I still have it, a lot of it, we all have, and for some reason I feel its too late, while it isnt, this fuarrrked up feeling of ambitiousness I always had, that always made me insecure but at the same time always made me the best and hating being the 3rd one(metaphorically). The things I did to be the first one, the smartest, the great one, all because of validation and ego. And nowadays everything feels tiring, the gigantic flow of information, ideologies, all the bullshit that even in a second that we look at it, gets dumped into our brains and inflates our tempfiles with useless bloat, that makes us slow, tired, sluggish. I fixed it, I dont watch youtube anymore, I use invidious and its mainly for ambient music or important videos, I whitelisted lainchan because I like programming and here there is fellow people similar to me. but thats it. I dont have any social media, nothing, my phone doesnt have a browser and I barely use whatsapp. The amount of time this gave me is even too much for me. I have been patient, I am ready for whatever it is, I understand what can I do, what I am capable, and that what rules isnt being smart, but doing something. The world is full of amargurated and useless **by the productive/post modern capitalist societal terms** geniuses or related. It all feels strange because I am not revolted with anything, politics got tiring and repetitive for me a long time ago, struggles and such. Everything feels like it should be, life is decent, I am content. But the only thing that makes me get a feeling of regret(?) is knowing that I could be great, way greater earlier, sadly in my teens I was succumbed into depression and pornography. But I can be great now, I am being now. I wish school didnt destroy my love for STEM, a thing I had to rediscover alone and see the true beauty of it. Confusing, maybe later or tomorrow i'll write more.

>>57430 You know what, I was always afraid of being the autist fuarrrker I was needed to be, always chasing validation and afraid of being myself, as it still can be damaging to be the basement dweller I WISHED TO BE. I always went with the self help bullshit but its just all a cope and true happiness is doing what I can do right and with mastery. I will now, unlock myself, the next stage of my own mind, after running in circles from these years, this bullshit melancholy which was all caused by trying to understand and placing myself into society terms. This is what I am meant to be, a obsessed programmer with aspergers, this thing isnt a curse, its my salvation, my miracle which I was renegating. All these years I learnt to act and talk and do, just for validation... I guess its time to deliver myself, to myself. This is it, a new time of glory for my own conscience, for myself, for what I wish and can do.

>>57430 >One day just snapped, discovered lucidity >Started Feeling actual Feelings >Third world country >Mature years ahead of a lot of people >Narcissistic, ignorant and lazy family >Wants to be a wageslave to leave his home >Was Abused over small things because i'm different >Feels like i have a lot of potential >Fixed flow of info, no youtube, no social media, barely uses whatsapp >Knowing i could've achieved a lot earlier in life >Teenager years filled with sadness and porn Felt very identified with your comment, never read of someone with a past and thoughts so similar to mine. Although I still have to find a job to actually escape this house :/

>>57458 I managed to close myself and filter the problems here, It isnt great but it is what is needed until I achieve my objectives. We are able to do it, control ourselves and let everything else flow, just go jumping through these space rocks, if we stop we fall in the limbo by losing balance. Life is about overcoming struggle and bet your ass we are doing it great, I myself mastered patience, but the side of that is that time takes a lot to pass as lucidity makes me perceive everything and think constantly, we are server CPUs with a bunch of cores working at a bunch of threads, I understood that and learned to optimize all of it, using less CPU cycles for more direct process of data, still learning. Don't run useless services on your head and clear your tempfiles weekly or at a certain hour of the day with a walk, disconnecting from tech. I posted >>57452, I just feel reborn, I will let me drive myself for my interests with all i've learnt these times from learning with struggles. Vent yourself.

>>57430 >the only thing that makes me get a feeling of regret(?) is knowing that I could be great, way greater earlier I think that's pretty common for that age. I belong to the same age group as you and I also feel like I could have achieved a lot more if I started programming earlier and studied more math and physics.

>>57460 Of course we're able to do it, we've learned a lot from struggling in life, but it all will we worth it in the end. Growing in this way is what i usually think of as the modern equivalent of our biological, ancient goal (to reproduce to preserve our genes); let me explain it a bit better: Before we had to reproduce creating multiple "paths" for people of our lineage to walk, so that at least one of them made big things in life and continued the preservation of our gene's data. Nowadays, we have to walk all the paths, stumbling upon multiple dead ends but always knowing we can go back and take a different route, now with more experience under our belt, and that is wonderful because we can see the accomplishment of our goals before leaving this world. >lucidity makes me perceive everything and think constantly I have to work on the optimization of this, at least this lucidity help us to move away from potential threats to our lifestyle and our growth. I've been working a lot on cleaning tempfiles daily, it looks like, because of the environment i'm still living in, my cache is too small, so i have to make daily cleanups. But all of this helps me run the most important threads more smoothly, and faster :) I posted >>57425 , i know it's probably impossible to find people irl with a similar mentality, but this place feels a lot better for keeping my social animal needs now that i know i can find people that understands me and has walked on my shoes.

No real rant - it’s 3.30AM here and I just finished writing my breakup letter to my girlfriend of nearly 7 years after finding pretty conclusive evidence of recent infidelity (including photos). We’ve been in therapy for a few months, and I think it’s time to finally call it. I need someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, anything you can say to give me some hope. I think I will be sad about the breakup, but what will be really difficult is rebuilding my life - everything revolves around us, and I don’t know where I go from here. She’s sleeping next to me. She’ll go to work in the morning, I’ll still be sleeping when she does. I’m going to my mum’s for a few days and leaving a letter on the table for when she gets back after work. I can’t stand to talk this out, I’m too exhausted.

>>57471 which country and city are you from?

>>57473 It will be alright. You existed without her before and you will exist without her after.

>>57473 I'm long relationships, you start to build an identity with this person, and when the identity dies, so does you in a sense. You can always redefine yourself without her. That will take time, staying away from her in person and internet at all times will be the most important thing, and after that, fill your time with going back to the you before her. You will start to remember things you desired or did before her that are really yours. Stick and develop those in a new way. Memories will make you cling to the past, but memories have triggers. Be watchful, throw them away or hide these triggers, move to a new place, change your walking or driving routes. Is OK to cry and want to be alone. It's OK to pretend you are stronger to others. It's OK to wish you could go back. There were good things and bad things. It OK to hate, it is OK to love, it is OK to forgive and also never to. If she cheated, and you were loyal, she can pretend all she wants and people will believe what they want to, she can convince everyone, but she can never convince herself, let that be her karma. Never answer the phone.

>>57473 I'm a Lainon that broke up with his gf after almost 7 years. It'll be alright. Looking back you'll feel not only that it was necessary, but also that breaking up with her will bring a lot of good changes on your life; not having to worry about someone else can give you a lot of free time to do things you couldn't do before, and to work on yourself and your mental/physical health. Stay Strong, breaking up will be worth it. >>57476 >which country and city are you from? Country Argentina, about city, i'm not comfortable sharing that info here :(

>Got fuarrrked up looking brain MRI, report lists MS, ALS, CJD, cancer and like a dozen other bad things as possibilities >Neurologist bumps followup from weeks away to this week >Won't tell me anything over the phone I think it might be over for me. I never thought I would be hoping for multiple sclerosis.

>>57487 :( sorry about your brain pain lain

>>57479 >>57484 >>57486 Thanks lainons. I’ve broken the news just now, it’s going as well as could be expected so not great, but as long as she and/or I live it’s OK.

>>57487 Thats horrible, but dont give up, i know it sounds like bullshit hopium but medical miracles do happen sometimes. Try keep living somewhat healthy, being less fuarrrked up is always better than being more fuarrrked up.

>>57486 fuarrrk I live nearby Argentina, South Brazil.

>>56164 I've never been to therapy, but have had an interest in finding out how it may or may not help me with whatever underlying issues I may be having in my life right now. The biggest inhibitor to following through with this curiosity is the cost. The cheapest I can find in my area is around $60USD/hr, which sounds like a waste of money unless it's really going to be worth my time. I also have to question the value a stranger can have in helping me solve my problems without accumulating several sessions for them to know me well enough to offer reasonable help. In other words, I imagine that the total cost to potentially approach any problems solvable via therapy would be something like several hundreds of dollars, and several weeks or even months of thinking things through with someone else's advice. My question is, what can I gain from therapy that I can't gain from reading books, or self-introspection, or a healthy hobby coupled with proper self-care? Maybe all my frustrations and such in this regard suggest only that I should try harder to solve my own problems instead of burdening someone else with them, especially when handling things myself will be much cheaper. Maybe me writing all this is just a way to arrive at this conclusion by the time I finish typing. Oh well, guess that's what vent threads are for. Anyone with similar thoughts on these topics, feel free to share your perspective, and if you have been to therapy before, I'd like to know what your sessions have tangibly done to make your life better—or, if these sessions haven't helped you after all. Let's all love Lain.

Keeping up with my friends, whenever they message me online, is exhausting. It's as though paying attention to them gives me psychic damage.

>>57549 Read about cult tactics and then apply what you learn to some of the systems of therapy out there.

>>57550 Wow this is the statement of a lifetime. Acky

>>56469 Hey what is that manga?

>>57557 >Reverse image search >First result >Oyasumi Punpun

>go on best date I've ever had (and Ive dated around before) >coming down from the high of kissing a girl for the first time in years >still feel insecure >text her something clingy She brushed it off and indicated that she wants to see me again but I think the damqge has been done. One more blunder like that and I'm done for. How do I stop myself lains?

>>57564 Next time remember that you just have to endure the pain and anxiety of insecurity till it goes away.

I hate MicroShaft Teams so much its unbelievable. Someone just sent me a link to a meeting which was scheduled some minutes before he sent me that link, so I was inevitably going to be late. Turns out, they don't offer browser based meetings anymore, or at least not for firefox. Well, I tried installing it in a hurry, but they only offer debian and rpm packages, none of which is handy when you don't run the respective distros. So, I try to install it on my smartphone real quick, well, they don't let me log into an account and instead make me reset the password every time I try to log in. I reset it, and am asked to reset it again. So, I just missed a meeting because Bill "I'm such an philantrophist" Gates does everything to make his software as incompatible as possible with anything but windows.

>>57584 Indeed the whole fuarrrking internet is so enriched of "features", it became completely unusable. Now websites start telling me to install another browser. Websites start telling me I appear to be offline through a stateless protocol! Probably because of a fuarrrkton of javascript frameworks doing who the fuarrrk knows what. How about those fuarrrkers comply to standards like HTML via HTTP via TCP/IP? Those comapnies like MicroShit enforce the way people experience the world wide web, instead of the other way around, where actual user demand would shape the web.

>>57584 >So, I just missed a meeting That's the good thing about how bad teams is. You get to miss more meetings. I fuarrrking hate teams. The search feature is garbage.

I have been using my psychiatrists tricks on other people. I wish they worked on me as much as they did on others

>>57564 Think of dicks and man butts. You will come off uninterested, but that is just cuz you are picturing hot shredded men in your minds eye while you are with her.

>>57564 What did you text her?

How do I stop wallowing in misery and pitying myself? I need to pull myself together.

>>57660 I suggest you start with small steps into the right direction. But you sound as if you wish for a slap to the face to stop the crying. No you don't get yourself out of misery instantly. That's just some external constraint put onto yourself by society that even increases the stress. Allow yourself to be miserable (for whatever reason). Then take small actions to transform those emotions into a positive behaviour. Depending on what you are troubled by, those actions can involve physical activity. Something that you are interested in and become good at. Short answer: small steps, repeatedly.

the girl i liked in high school trooned out. i havent seen her in the better part of a decade, and im not the type that keeps tabs on his peers after we go our separate ways, so i never had a clue what she was up to. today i opened up facebook so that i could message someone and i happened to see her face on my timeline. she changed her first name and became a ftm tranny. bruh. when we were students she was somewhat tomboyish and had strange interests (like, older internet culture for example), but this isnt what i expected. i feel a little sad.

>>57549 >>57549 Just go meet a whore (sex worek), its better than therapy

>>57693 Was she bullied in school?

>>57697 no, she wasnt. i guess she was on the quiet side but she still did extracurriculars (thats how we met), had a part time job, did well academically and overall seemed like a smart and focused person so im very shocked this could happen to her. unfortunately i never had the balls to ask her out back then maybe this would not have happened if i did.

>>57651 I asked if we were ~in a relationship~ now, after 3 dates -_-

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my life will become considerably more soykaf in about three months. I'm 24, and last September I moved out to start my Master's degree following my Bachelor's and 2 years of unemployment. This was my first time moving out and experiencing some sort of independence. It's also been the first time in about 7 years where I haven't seriously thought about killing myself. Although I haven't made any friends here, everyone has been very friendly and I've really enjoyed my time here. Unfortunately, that's ending in June since I wasn't admitted to the PhD. In all likelihood I'm moving back in with my parents, to a city with very few job opportunities, having to rely on my parents to drive me around (I can just cycle here) because I failed my driving test 7 times. If that wasn't enough, my parents are in their mid-60s and my dad is already showing signs of mental decline. I don't know how much longer either of them has left, and once they're gone I'm going to be completely alone. My closest friend has been missing for four months, and I'm almost certainly going to die a KHHV.

>>57736 What did you get your bachelors in? Most people never officially become a bachelor.

>>57737 I have a bachelor's degree in law. It's an undergraduate degree in my country. I don't plan on practicing, just teaching it.

>>57738 Not a horrible degree, soykafty situation you're in. At least you have a fam I guess at some point, getting any job is a good first step to getting a better job. I never graduated my degree but I just bounce around doing decent work with construction. My advice would be to buy some cheap beer and several burgers maybe speak to a career advisor sometime.

Today i made a work interview, the guy who interviewed me seemed like a good guy, he had tourette syndrome, i think, because he had some strange tics, like jumping on his own chair or making weird mouth sound. The interview went well initially, but then the guy asked me a simple question: "do you want to go to the university?" I responded sincerely: "yes!" Then he proceeded to say things like: "i don't know if i can hire you because i need someone who can work here FOREVER, but i will let you know soon" (AKA: Never). I got home and the first thing i got after that interview was my father yelling and screaming at me, he said that i'm a failure, i don't deserve that interview because i wasted it and so on, that fuarrrking broke me, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THE INTERVIEW GUY JUST WANTED TO FILTER ME OFF, I THOUGHT THAT HE WANTED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ME, HE SEEMED SO NICE, I HATE THESE fuarrrkING PEOPLE, WHY EVERYONE IS SO MEAN TO ME? I JUST WANT TO TAKE ONE fuarrrkING CS DEGREE AND LATER DOING GAME DESIGN, I DON'T WANT TO WORK 40 fuarrrkING YEARS OF MY LIFE INSIDE A IRON FACTORY! IT'S HORRIBLE, IT'S LOUD, SCARY, I WORKED IN IT FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS AND EVERYTIME I RETURNED BACK HOME I STARTED CRYING SO MUCH!

>>57759 You're dodging a bullet with that interview in my opinion. It's fine if jobs want you to be there for a long time, but any job that doesn't encourage you to educate yourself is just looking for cheap, disposable labor to exploit. His response should have been "great, hopefully you can apply the skills you learn here in the future!" Sorry your dad was mean about it.

>>57759 Yeah you should've just told the interjewer (about you working a dead end job forever) "'just like you eh?" Better times will come.

>>56164 The other night I went to a party, ended up just talking to this one girl for a while, we went away from everyone else and just talked. For the first time in a while I felt like I wasn't alone, and had someone who I really connected with. We made out. But now I don't even know if I should try and talk to her. There's a good chance it was just some drunk soykaf she did and now regrets, and if I keep messaging her she'll just think I got the wrong idea. This always happens, I feel like I've gotten somewhere socially, then I just end up with a void of loneliness again.

>>57765 Just drop a hint that you'd like to spend more time with her and see if she makes use of it. Nothing wrong with being interested. Besides, fumbling around never quite getting anywhere isn't going to help. If you don't even try to talk with her and she doesn't muster the courage like you, how is anything supposed to happen?

I have cut contact with my parents, I am stepping into uncharted territory now

>>57769 What happened? >>57765 Do you know who she is? A friend of a friend? Ask for help, people usually like that. >>57693 That is sad to hear. But with some luck it is only a phase.

>>57765 >and if I keep messaging her she'll just think I got the wrong idea. How much have you messaged her already? Is she responding?

>>57772 My father never acknowledged my accomplishments. He would get angry and sour when I did bad, but he never even acknowledged the good I did. Or it was a shallow "good job" while watching the TV or being on laptop. To my family I was never a person with personality of its own. My sister fought and fpught for her right to hear her persona but I never did. It turned her in a bit of an emotionally stunted egomaniac that would abuse me both physically and emotionally. I couldn't lock my door to my room because father said "it was his house and his doors, he doesnt want me to lock" even though the only reason I would lock is because sister would jump on me and punch/slap me while she was bored. She would steal my money. Parents did nothing about this. They would tiptoe to appease her, I was forgotten and told to leave her alone even though I treated her with utmost respect. This gave me lack of self respect and confidence so bullies in school always picked on me. I was an easy target. When I explained all the problems home to my parents they would complain about "us kids" but when I was to blame I would personally be to blame. I assume my father is a narcissist, my sister to be the "flying monkey" and my mom to be the "pseudonormality" type of personality in the house. I was the "withdrawal sibling" as I assume most people here. When I spoke up against the wrong things then I would be bullied into submission. When we needed to have "father son time" I was just a plaything for him, not a person with my own desires and wants. I needed to cater to him. When we got in a fight few years ago he told me afterwards "son this family can only stand together on your will now", he didn't apologize for behaving badly. I did for my soykafty behaviour. Their once in a blue moon good deed was repeatedly resaid so that everyone knew, while most of the time I kept doing everything right and never got the praise my sister or father did. "Rules for thee but not for me" was also quite common. I am fuarrrking sick of it all. Now when I got away they burden me with their emotional baggage. I have plenty of soykaf on my plate too.

I love this site cause I feel like i'll only ever find someone who can actually relate to me here I'm the type of person who overthinks everything and doesn't really act without somewhat of a plan or a purpose. I do really well in life ; outwardly happy, good relationship with family, good friends, good career lined up and think I'll have little trouble with finding a wife. But having said that I cannot find a reason to live. It fuarrrks with me so much. I can go through the small things but I want nothing out of life no matter how much I think otherwise. I always feel the pull of destruction and I don't have any idea what to do about it. It feels like a matter of time until something comes along and makes me do some soykaf that i'll hate myself for. Now that I think about it that might be exactly it; I wanna be hated. I really value religion and family and am grateful for it because without it i'd probably be a full on drug addict. I can and do act religious but I can never claim to truly believe, I'll only ever just be an actor. This applies to other aspects of life as well, am I really a good person? Should I create a situation where society pressures me to continue to act "proper" by having a family or participating in my community or will I hate myself even more for it. what the fuarrrk should I do? Right now I just wanna curl up into a ball and die unnoticed. If I really act on my desires i'll probably never get out of the hole I put myself in. fuarrrking hate my way of thinking but if I go to a therapist they'll probably just hand me some fuarrrking pills so I can keep acting normal

>>57789 I sympathize with this. Purpose is only found in participating in something larger then yourself. It's why I'm working on joining the military. Throwing away a potential of a job in the film industry, working hours that basically makes me a weekday neet, for a quarter the pay and 2.5x the workdays. Even I think I'm crazy. I read it on a fortune cookie, > "It's not how many hours you put in, but what you put in to the hours." And I laughed at it being wageslave advice to get a raise. But it's true both ways, for the money and the happiness; No amount of money is going to sate me unless I have purpose. I have drive, give me direction. Things to live for are hedonistic. You live because it feels good to make money, or to win. You live to put your dick in cocaine and snort hookers. But for some of us it's not enough just to live for. Gotta find something to die for.

Given this is a forum of "esoteric" and "unconventional" topics, it automatically attracts outliers, which tend to be outliers in society, weather very intelligent, NEETs, radical or autistic. Thus I suppose I'm not the only one having at least some of these feelings. This out of the way, I have problems socializing and feel it's had a significant impact on my life. I have this thing where I am a "social outlier" and almost always immiscible with the planned "herd" of the day. Though I usually tend to find a few friends (usually male) that are more on my wavelength, being less sensitive / domesticated oompaloompas, I almost never find myself enjoying or naturally falling into the "general" planned social-group being workplace, classroom, any club / grouping that we go to and are expected to make friends via the "normal person" social-capitalist lifestyle. When these are not radical social entities that bind people together close-knit (aligned esoteric interest) its a done, dead deal for me. As it is only the social-crowd-"situationalism" what binds people, hence it becomes a very shallow scene where people start off with "oh hey bob, we go to the same thing together due to absolute pure random chance, we should be friends, we possibly vaguely have something in common". I thought this anti-social depression would ameliorate with age, as I like many others in this decaying society had lacking childhood ( includes toxic mother and stepfather things ). I thought its possibly just a childhood issue and hopefully less genetic so I could "work on it" to self improve and become more like "them" in social, talk about "normal person things" and shoot the soykaf seamlessly. Kind of like being on reddit and enjoying it (un?)ironically. I became self aware of being different around 13, and this "growing up" fix never happened and now I'm getting worried in my late 20s, with the thought of getting a family etc. I have had phases where I try to "self improve" by improving my communications skills and manage to get involved with the pseudo-tribe of the day, but this is always a chore where I have to painfully force myself to engage and avoid saying something overly generic which is what they seem to be masters at(entertaining themselves with generic conversation). It never comes naturally and did not become "easy" over time even if I got plenty opportunities to try. It seems to be a muscle that becomes weak after a while. After corona, I am back to square one and barely interact with anyone at work. Sometimes I get invited by some people at work to do things and it always goes like this; they invite me, I think about it for a bit and clearly express that I don't feel like hanging out with them, and then a few seconds later they're like, ok lets go. And they leave me by myself. The reason is my weird, pathologically pragmatic thought process, where I tend to ONLY want to socialize or do something with the "normal people" if there is objective gain to it, such as possibility of seeing a specific woman I like, getting a new job or networking for future work. But socializing for its own sake always seems like a painful waste of time, because I know (or I believe) they can't teach me anything new as they are basically casual people and there is a billion of them. Though one could reason they could teach me social skills , but I doubt in my ability to learn. Im not sure what to do with this, im now in my late 20s and thinking im gonna be this pariah esoteric loner my whole life, a "that guy" person which is a weird thought. Someone here have the same "complex" or am I some kind of freak outlier of the entire human species ?

Will sound weird and snowflake-ish, but I honestly don't understand attraction and sexuality. I do experience it, I think I'm a normal staight man, but honestly I can't be bothered to care about it enough to actually do anything with it. I feel like other guys downright worship women in some shape or form, but I just can't be bothered to care. It honestly feels kinda "childish" and naive, for lack of better words. And I feel there's very little of a child left in me. I really wish I cared in that way. I feel more and more as time goes on that I need to mask how different I am to others and it's tiring. I think I want to have sex too, I do feel bad I'm missing out on it, then again, the thought of it feels empty. To enjoy it you need to see someone as something really special, but to me everyone is just "a person". I can't get excited for "a person". It honestly feels like eating, but with much more effort needed which makes me not want to pursue it. It's a fun thing to do, but no one has ever found hapiness in simply eating. It's an empty life.

>>57808 the issue is you're trying to bond in shallow situations with common people. the outliers like yourself are also out there trying to socialize (whether poorly or not), it's a matter of finding them. one thing you can try is enjoying events for what they are, and by yourself, don't try filling in a "quota" of social interaction, if it happens let it happen organically, otherwise don't bother too much. idk if this makes sense but I'm hoping it does

It's weird I've been struggling with this feeling of precariousness for years now and I keep coming back to this place to vent. Every year, even if I've forgotten about it, I come to the same inconclusive conclusion. I don't have a solution, and the feeling just washes over me. If I was born with a different mindset, one more aligned with those around me maybe I wouldn't be overwhelmed by this dread. Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to be me and believe what I will. I feel cursed for thinking it, out of place to those around me, but no amount of trying to convince myself of it has worked... This month is always the worst of the year since it all becomes so overbearing. That fear of being caught, found out, is at it's strongest. I'd lose everything, maybe even my life. Maybe there really isn't anything I can do to fix this situation. That I should just not think about it. Hide it, tuck it away and don't think too hard about. Surrounded by people yet never open.

>>57809 what kind of porn do you watch? just out of curiousity

>>57820 Usually amateur stuff. Nothing really all that weird I guess. I enjoy when the woman is dominated and the scenes have some playfullness to them. Most of porn feels like machines pretending to fuarrrk.

>>57829 >most porn feels like machines pretending to fuarrrk exactly. i used to watch a lot of amateur, i like late 90s early 2000s hentai like words worth and foxy nudes. i feel like that stuff actually depicted sex that is enjoyable to the people involved, and the anatomy was healthy instead of basketball sized tits and ass. anyway, alot of what youre saying sounds familiar, i think you might have spd. or maybe you knew that already

>>57809 I understand you anon, but the thing is, naïveté is the force behind the world. Metaphysically, there is actually no point to "love" and other bullshit as there is a possibility that everyone else is a p-zombie and there is no way to disprove that. However we as """societal""" creatures need affection to reinforce our egoistic tendencies and we fight to death to protect that affection, leading to what we call society. Thing is, that soykaf isn't random at all. Unless you lived in a corner of Saudi Arabia you probably have interacted with females of your age. maybe a store clerk, maybe a classmate. Recall who you like{d}, then anonymously (cannot stress on this enough, maybe through a proxy [real-life, not internet]) ask for her number. If she declines, you won't have tensions in further conversations and soykaf.

when I graduated the registrar asked me if I smiled for the camera. I did, I think, can't really remember. He didn't see my face and I don't know why he asked. Maybe he could tell that I'm never happy. I looked in the mirror afterwards, I really struggle to pretend to be happy. I wonder how it feels, I say, but I don't care.

I'm extremely unhappy with most aspects of my life. On the surface, I have a decent life: born into a middle income home, attending university, well paid job in a demanded field, a girlfriend who loves me, etc. But it all seems empty, I'm using most of my life to do things that I thought that I wanted or were taught to do. I don't even know what the fuarrrk to do with the money I earn, I can't think of anything I want to do with it. I wouldn't have time to do them anyways. I'm here, I'm living the dream and I want to be elsewhere. I often remember my childhood and how fun everything was, I wish I could go back. I'm not ready for this """"adult"""" world or anything that comes with it, I'm unmature and not able to cope with responsibilities. I stay up late every day finishing work because I spend most of my day jacking off, daydreaming and listening to music; the only things I do I genuinely enjoy.

>>57856 I think your problem is that you have no adventure. Person needs adventure and difficulties to overcome to feel accomplished, especially a man. My diagnosis: you're bored. Medicine: do something risky, ignore responsibilities, but rather do something you really wanted to make you powerful. Become a coffee smuggler from Mexico to Russia, I knew some, cool people, and not bored of life at all. Or help the Belarusian opposition to overthrow the government. Become an MDMA manufacturer. I don't know. Something absolutely irresponsible, like in films.

>>57858 I don't feel like I need "adventure" precisely. Maybe I need an objective, something to work towards to, but I don't know what or how. I just feel like I'm living for the sake of living, you know. And if I'm doing that I may as well lay in the grass and read a book, but the reality is that most days I stay 24 hours inside my house. I work from home, I eat at home, I even have virtual classes; feels like a prison. Anyways, thanks for the feedback anyways

>>57867 So I recommend this drug producer path. You'll get to real prison, and then when they'll let you go, you'll realise you were free.

>>57867 Hard physical exercise is the best medecine to the feelings of mediocrity modern life brings. But then, you're kind of a normal user with not as much free time as a real hermit, so I don't know.

>>57835 >basketball sized tits and ass. Yeah, these always seem comedic to me. I have no clue how anyone can take it seriously. >anyway, alot of what youre saying sounds familiar, i think you might have spd. or maybe you knew that already As in schizoid? I wouldn't be surprised. >>57837 >you probably have interacted with females of your age. maybe a store clerk, maybe a classmate. Recall who you like{d}, then anonymously (cannot stress on this enough, maybe through a proxy [real-life, not internet]) ask for her number. If she declines, you won't have tensions in further conversations and soykaf. But I don't know if I want to. It seems to me like work for little benefit. What can I get out of it? I will just have a person I need to dedicate time to for what exactly? It's unlikely to be a friend. I feel most people would just slid your throat if they got something out of it and leave you alone once anything becomes hard. They will pretend to like you when it's easy to pretend. So on that front it's the same as a regular "friendship", just with more effort. I guess the only other thing is easy sex, but I don't care about sex that much to put in so much work. I think it even disgusts me in some way. I see it in my head as this evil animalistic behavior. The only way in my head you can look past this is if you have an inflated vision of women in your head. But I can never return to it. I'm not 15 anymore. I realize women are just people who have nothing special going for them. It's what I meant by being young and naive. I no longer see them as that. I just know I can't be like this. People will try to test me, and if you tell them you never had a relationship they will look down on you. I feel like it's an other mask that I will have to wear more and more as time goes on. It's already weird at my age. It will just get weirder. What will I do? Evade questions? Make up elaborate stories just to not stand out from the crowd? I feel like there's no solution to this I like. Just few I dislike, and I don't know which one I dislike more.

>>57932 >It seems to me like work for little benefit. What can I get out of it? I will just have a person I need to dedicate time to for what exactly? It's unlikely to be a friend. I feel most people would just slid your throat if they got something out of it and leave you alone once anything becomes hard. They will pretend to like you when it's easy to pretend. The point of dedicating yourself to someone is that it's the only way to not be the sort of shallow and selfish person you describe here. A romantic relationship is a situation where someone might let you dedicate yourself to them and not be weirded out about it. I always felt a profound hate for those people. They work to build the lives they think they should have, and ignore the loneliness of themselves and the people around them. For a long time I just wanted any of them to care about me and be there no matter what, and hated them for leaving me alone. Later I met a girl who was lonely in the same desperate unreasonable way I was, very needy, with various mental illnesses. And it felt like the most satisfying possible revenge, just to forget about doing things for myself and to always be there for her. Basically to reject the culture and way of living I had been a part of, where everyone is focused on optimizing their own life and situation. Maybe I didn't do a good enough job, or maybe she just never felt anything similar, because at some point I wasn't needed anymore. It hurt more than anything for years, but it also felt like the pain meant something. tl;dr: Hedonism is for cowards, being useful and needed is nice.

"Professionalism" is spreading like a plague, that's the thing that's been on my mind for quite a while now. I feel like the bar is steadily raising for everyone, and it will backfire horribly. Everyone is expected to be on the top of their game nowadays, and I'm not just talking about full-time jobs and employment, I'm also talking about independent creators and freelancers. Even hobbies are becoming "professionalized", and this is the last straw. I'm not sure if the Internet and the widespread availability of professional/semi-professional software is to blame, but I can't shake off the feeling that everything is pure marketing now, every work of art and every post carefully engineered to cater to as many people as possible, professional standards, like consistent quality, operating within deadlines and such, guiding the way. Everyone is encouraged to become a brand and operate like a brand, at the very least, you're expected to be like a college student or an office drone. I've been trying to pick up a few new hobbies, and it's always like this. Forums refer you to things considered the "standard", you are told to study by the book, because it's "professional", and, I hear this often enough, "monetizable". I don't have anything against deliberate study and such, but I feel that the reasoning behind it has fundamentally changed. You used to take it a step forward because you wanted to get good and you found it enjoyable, and now it feels like a borderline obligatory requirement everyone "in the field" ought to tick off. It really doesn't matter if you're trying to study music, programming or become more well-read or even start playing a new video game. Expectations are not easy to shrug off, you can go at your own pace but this means you're outperformed and left behind, as the way things currently are would have it. Professionalism has always been valued, no doubt, but personally, the amalgamation of tryhard and sterile corporate attitudes permeating a lot of the potentially interesting fields and communities really put me off from ever taking up the thing they're connected to. Professionalism leads to better quality of services and content from independent creators, I suppose it's stimulating competition as well, but it's all so dehumanizing. I feel like this is a desperate attempt to measure up to corporate entities, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe it's always been like this, the post is a bit of a ramble and hopefully I got my point across. It's tiresome to live and work in a world like this.

>>57994 For me what is annoying is the infiltration of money-driven attitude / actors into public, authentic communities. Essentially destroying their core values to serve their goals. Such as when the Chan Zuckerberg foundation pays hundreds of thousands $ to various open source programming communities, essentially buys them out, to make them essentially wage slave for their corporate or globalist propaganda agenda (Rstudio, is one example of hundreds). Now every single open source community is basically working for a private corporation, they may be open source, but they are soft-power and ever subtly powering platform lock in in nefarious ways. Google, Bill Gates, Zuck, and all the big tech regime members are part of this problem. There is nothing that is connected to the internet that is not being actively commercialised/compromised for private interest. I imagine being a member of such a community must suck too after it became a simulation of corporate office work. Imagine all the linux hackers that were suddenly transported into a work-group with a long TOS attached (more diversity needed in your team, no anti-transsexual hate allowed). I heard the Haskell community also had become more stale after mailing lists were removed, less public.

>>57994 1. Digital scarcity isn't real and digital goods are very easy to produce, which lowers their quality significantly. 2. Unlike physical work where you have few correct ways of working and always wrong infinite other ways of working (that break whatever you work with or hurt you), there is nothing like that with abstract, digitalized work. This creates a genuine need for it to be standardized to filter the noise out. Unfortunately, due to the nature of digital world this only creates cyber-gypsies who glue some nonsense together and make up an ideology from it that they sell under the guise of it being professional and business-minded. People, lacking identity and clear goals in life, buy and believe. 3. Everyone is given the right of voice and an opinion. Opinions are the most common commodities - that is, they are worthless. Everyone wants to be given attention, everyone is opinionated. To make your opinion heard, you must advertise it. 4. People get involved into magical thinking. The more people believe in X, the more real it becomes. By forcing someone to argue with you or agree with you, you get reflected in someone, and that way they admit that you exist. 5. They want to believe they do something important, something that matters, they want to believe they do the right thing. Force people to do the same thing, and if everyone else does it, it must be true. 6. Spreading corporative mindset creates an influx of new obedient workers who take new work places and lower salary levels. 7. Due to their assimilation with the hivemind and their identities being erased, people get hungry for new opinions and behavior models. This creates a whole new field of e-celebrities, paid personalities who sell their opinions and behaviors. Daddy type, mommy type, chad type, hacker type, viking type, successful programmer type... 8. Finally, we are still in a phase where anyone can try their own luck and win their only chance at life before IT gets locked down behind quality standards and law regulations, therefore closing the era of the digital Wild West. Nothing really changed, just a new form for something as old as humanity. Dumb people doing dumb things, now with hyper-inflated flavor. It's not that something is spreading and capturing people's minds, it is that Internet had been taken over by the masses and is controlled by corporate entities, and the masses happen to be poor and sad, and the entities happen to want more power. Reasonable people have no place in such dead Internet, they've been pushed out into private chats and conversations, this is why you don't see them.

>>57995 I share same sentiment as the first part, it feels like open source developers are being gate-keeped by private corpo/globalists and even worse is they tell their employees that they're no longer allowed to work on their previous hobby, take for example the guy working on magisk, he recently got hired and the problem is he's likely told not to work on it anymore, same thing happens with other open source devs I follow, I mean it's good for them, they get money off their work but is it good for the community? These devs aren't allowed to work on their previous projects otherwise if they do it would be sole property of the company they're currently working on. Basically gate-keeping. Some company are big enough to spend what little dime they can offer to censor these devs, pay them 100k year when they could be making something that may reduce their revenue by 200k+ (example is root disabling ads and adware) although benefiting a lot of hobbyists or enthusiasts. Open source is more of a larping c*pe these days, all these projects in alleged open source, but the same companies want our data, fingerprint, and all of them even push the "app" so they could sell more of that data whilst open source. Your browser? both open source but it's the worst offender. Well it's usually OSS not FOSS-RYF so there's that but it's even worse than just using closed-source software back in the early days of windows 7/XP. Yup it used to be just toolbars, now it's literally embedded in the system and worse is it's the same "open source people" that work and help these abusive practices flourish, those cancerous IoT tech? -it's the f/oss-people that made it happen, those fridge/tv that send recordings while idle? -same people.

>>56271 Everyone has something they learned too late. Id think about it less like "Things I did" vs "Things I wish I didnt" and more "Something I realized now" vs "Something I could have never realized". There is people right now, some older than you maybe, who still are melodramatic messes. The important thing for you is to stop being melodramatic with this realization, or work on stopping it. Part of that is not going "I just shouldnt be around people or have any human interaction anymore". Not with regards to melodrama but with regards to my own shortcomings ive been guilty of doing the same thing, of just cutting interaction to avoid difficult stuff. Your just allowing it to continue in your own head that way, its motivated out of fear of judgement not in trying to be someone whos melodrama in this instance doesnt create problems, irritate or hurt anyone. You need the judgement and reception if you want this not to repeat itself. That being said if theres people you think the relationships need breaks with or are irrepairable thats fair too, but that should be because out of a realization of what youve done not fear of doing it again. The idea of "il just never talk to anyone ever" is almost always about being afraid you will do it again, not because you realize certain indiviual relationships you did too much damage to.

I'm bored but I don't want to do anything.

>>58019 Free software has always been produced by professional software devs in their free time, I don't understand what you're getting at.

I'm tired of fuarrrking up at work. I want to get a part time, slower paced job and be able to fuarrrking breathe a bit. Why the fuarrrk are part-time jobs so unheard of in programming? I basically do the same work in 4 hours that I do in 8 hours, and I feel it's mostly the case for everyone. Employers would pay me less and I would have more free time, everyone would be happy.

>>57816 >If I was born with a different mindset, one more aligned with those around me maybe I wouldn't be overwhelmed by this dread. This is what I think about every day, I don't understand why I should keep going when I obviously don't belong here.

I don't like venting or doing this kind of stuff in normal situations. It feels like soulless attention whoring. I feel as if I am, and everything around me is, slowly permanently decomposing. My memory is leaking away; I don't remember what I've ate yesterday. It feels like a magnetic disk slowly erode and flake away. My personality is cracking like glass; it feels like extreme irony poisoning. I can't tell if I have another voice in my head, or if I'm narrating myself permanently as if I were running atop a JIT compiler in my head in prescience of my actions and pretending to be me and a voice in my head at once; I thus by extent can't even tell if my problems are real or serious or if I'm inventing this for god knows fuarrrking what reason. My capacities are shattering away: I have not went to my occupation in four months, my skull refuses to intake any information to learn a new programming language, except scheme for some reason. My world and records are being pulverized away: in two months, very important things to me have fell appart in instants. I'd rather not give examples. I think something happened to my psychiatrist I'm not sure Last meeting was supposed to occur a few months ago and she wasn't her I haven't heard from her in one or two months. It's killing me from the inside. It's like slowly fading into caustic gutter water and pretending the meds are helping while they're only sedating me temporarily and absolutely fuarrrking up my circadian rhythm, while being unsure if I'm even meant to take them, because I might be artificially manufacturing and simulating my stress and I can't tell. That and external stress from p00ltiks and all the soykaf. It feels something underclocked ,fried my brain then tried to repair it partially, or that i got three fourths of my brain ram removed. It's like permanent, slamming short-term amnesia coupled with decreased brain capacities, and of course sedatives are the answer for whatever reason. I'm trying to space and ignore everything with hobbies (which consist of two things, one of which is programming despite my broken brain) but I'm not going to be able to last long like this.

>>58092 Same. I'm fairly sure it's an external factor acting on all of us, and it's not strictly informational / contextual / psychosocial stress. Like writing "contextual" just now I first wrote "conturextural".

>>58093 I was going to answer that this seemed irrelevant, but it absolutely isn't. To expand on what I wrote, I feel like I'm more conscious or aware of the process that got would've gotten you into thinking "conturextural" was the word to write than I should be. I usually feel a sort of "then I will" with things that should come out of my Id (in relation to freudian psychology) mumbled with a surgical, planning tone and my ego caught glimpse of it. It doesn't feels like this "Id" is separate from myself, though, and it very much feels like I'm thinking of it. This means that any sentimental value I try to give things feels completely fabricated as I've already readied myself for my emotional reaction without instead feeling face-first feelings hit me. I feel like whatever the fuarrrk that is that is hitting me is... it's as if psychopathy and MPD had unprotected sex and their offspring was hyper-psychotic.

>>58092 >>58093 >>58100 I'm cautiously optimistic, but more so excited, with how much more often I'm seeing these kind of posts. Time to rip the band-aid off, humanity... awareness is terrifying, but ultimately a beautiful thing.

I am so frustrated about making friends. I am lesbian and have gf however I havent had any friends since highschool ended many years ago. While ago I befriended a guy, we hung out and got along well but when I stared dating my gf and shared him what happened (because I was happy about it) our friendship fell apart. I didn't think it was important to discuss my sexuality with him since I never were interested in anything else but friendship but apparently during two years we were friends he was secretly hoping he could date me. Anyway I have still no other friends because I'm autistic there is no places to socialize in my area. I also been trying to make online friends for a long time but I can't seem to connect with others. I feel like I need to make friends for my own sanity and to not exhaust my gf with my constant attention and presence.

>>58033 Employers already pay you less and make you work at least twice as much than needed. You're not supposed to be happy.

>>58102 You can apply basic economics to this. Demand goes cray without supply. So if you don't wanna deal with mad thirst avoid dude who cant get a women (= demand without supply). If girls want dude but he doesn't jump on offer you got your ticket. Knowing you can buy whenever you want is what prevents hoarder mentality. Lastly i think the mentality build up in early years stays with you. Im older now and dont get girls asking me to be their bf anymore but i didn't develop thirst. tldr: you can observe and predict this behaviour based on his relation with other women. >>58033 remote work

>>58092 I feel something like this too. In my case, I believe it's partially caused by my hobbies being just... more of my work. That is, I study computer systems and mathematics, only to go home and do the same, but for fun this time. This cycle worked for years, but has been failing over the past few months. My schoolwork is first at the altar. There are times when I cannot make myself care about something. I don't really have the resources (a healthy dose of electronics-free leisure time, like a week or so) available to fully treat it right now. In the meantime, I've stopgapped by making my personal intellectual life more algorithmic. Systems for studying, rather than a spur-of-the-moment act-of-passion thing. Also, exercise helps a bit. Particularly aerobic. >>58101 Agreed. Best to "wake up" and face the harder questions as soon as possible. I can't say I know "the answers" or their shadows yet, but I really have no choice. I will materialize them or die in life.

I live with my best friend who is the closest person to me and I genuinely love him, I believe that most of the married couples are not even that caring and supporting as we are. But even so he is bi and knows about my feelings we never had any sort of romantic or/and sexual relationship. I do feel happy when we are going out somewhere even it's just for cup of coffee or sitting at home watching netflix but at the same time considering that he is now in a relationship with another man and rarely comes home I exepreince immense emotional pain. Previously he had just one-night standers but know he seems to be in commited relationships, he even knows bf's parents. I don't know how to cope, I go to gym and yesterday I started taking pills but I do not believe it will change the way I feel. I'm also scared to lose him.

>>58122 That sounds pretty gay. Are you a man?

>>58125 yes, I've thought mentioning gym made this obvious

>>58093 >external factors Broadcast towers + smartphones (=mini broadcasts towers) are emitting radio frequency waves that targets specific parts of your brain. Pretty sure that at this point the AI it runs can calculate fast enough to be able to determine 'in real time' what frequencies it has to emit to subdue its users.

It just feels like...No one is thinking long term about ANYTHING anymore. My father is selling his home, Which he owned outright with no mortgage, and is now planning on renting an apartment as a stop-gap before TAKING OUT ANOTHER MORTAGE to get a place IN A MAJOR CITY. (He is in his 50s) because he wants to 'experiment' During the plandemic my mother took out the majority of her retirement savings to do some 'Home DIY stuff' ON A HOUSE SHE IS RENTING. Which by reasons i wont explain have now destroyed the house. Meaning she is 100% getting hit up by the landlord when her rental agreement ends. When i suggested to her that maybe the 'Home DIY stuff' wasn't a good idea and to not touch her savings, she literally burst into tears and started screaming how all her friends from work and facebook all have 'nice things' and are 'doing something exciting during lockdown' and that i 'dont want her to have anything nice clearly' I'm just watching my family members make these blatant GLARING fuarrrkups that they are CLEARLY going to regret. But then they just say that i hate them and don't want them to be happy or some nonsense

>>58127 Yes, I know. I tried to tell Lainchan and so the mods derezzed the topic and now delete.

I feel lonely for the first time in a good while. I was in a LDR until I broke up with her. It wasn't amicable and depressed as I was, I left the online space we shared leaving behind a friend I was warming up to. That was about a month ago. I feel dreadful still and almost want to reach out to that friend again but I know that she and my ex are probably still on good terms and my sudden leave was a horrible thing to do. If I reach out I would have to face responsibility for fuarrrking off and there is no guarantee that the friendship would go on seeing how I simply left with a few words. I also would make it harder for my ex were she to find out I'm still around. If I don't reach out I'll need to carry the burden until it's eventually healed over. I know that I'll stay put and not do anything. It would inflict more pain on others while the latter would be mostly on me but by God, I'm spiraling.

>>58131 As somebody that tangos with a not-so-friendly DID and has managed to keep my wit about, I lean more towards the phenomenon being most significantly MK Ultra techniques encouraging stress, dissociation, lack of responsibility for one's own mental state (for example, the reliance of the medical/pharma industry over self reflection/determination), and systemic devolution of family/culture/identity. Also, the ubiquity of interactable spirits in all spiritual practices also suggests to me that this is a natural component of our cognition and/or reality. My personal experience suggest a bona fide spiritual source being the truth, unfortunately towards the route of spirits commonly masquerading as a part of our own identity and seizing our actions. Most of my tells of being manipulated I can see downstream with other people. That loss of autonomy when addiction or other poor habits are taken. The autopilot. The dance between logic and emotion that seems to break down both. Artistic inspiration and artists' tendency to let their art self-direct and have a life of its own (arguably one of the few positives of being spiritually manipulated). Cult tendencies and flights of fancy in practically every person. And so on. With the seemingly deliberate devolution of culture and humanity at large, I suspect that there is some sort of spiritual war going on and we are being systematically defanged and captured.

I have bipolar and I am forced to take schizophrenia drugs/anti-psychotics just in order to barely function. This is not a life worth living with brain shrinking pills that make me stupid. Also, the highs and and mostly extreme lows are so painful to deal with daily. I wish I was a Canadian citizen to get assisted suicide over there. I'm too poor to get Nembutal, but I'm doing my best to save up for it. Sodium NItrite isn't as peaceful as Nembutal and there will less likely be a chance of throwing up. I'll probably buy some sodium nitrite anyway.

As a small update to >>57736 I've exhausted basically all of my options for locating my friend. At this point they're gone and not coming back. They've either moved on or passed on, and both seem plausible, so I don't really have any closure. Now that I've accepted that, all the feelings I've been putting off just kind of hit me like a freight train. Reading some of the old letters he sent me moved me to tears in a matter of seconds. Hell, just thinking about him makes me choke up half the time. Despite this, I still spend a few hours every day waiting patiently for him to come back and send me a message, often into the early hours of the morning.

>>58147 He disappeared into the heroine underground and is ashamed of himself. Or maybe he died exactly how he wanted. Don't look for him. Use this opportunity to find yourself. I've been alone, too, maybe I was stronger then you are now. Maybe I wasn't. It's not even better after, trust me, but people sure respect you after the fact. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like they're scared of me. I don't know why.

i got out of bed for the first time in 4 days and went for a run. now im back in bed coughing my lungs out. i really wish i never tried to live. i fuarrrking hate life and i can't do nothing, because i accidentally tried doing something once and now me and other people expect more from me. i hope i die. haha.

>>58206 We actually don't use our full lung capacity almost ever, and when they stretch it is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I think it's to protect the innermost workings from overuse and/or contamination. When I transitioned from smoking to running I noticed some very interesting things, namely that for an entire year I'd cough up tar only after lung expansion. Also, I ran 17 miles in a single bout looking for my limit soon after quitting. I wanted to do a marathon, or set one as my goal anyway, and needed to find out. I learned two things: My limit is my knee making weird noises and then going in a direction it's not supposed to, and that a marathon is 21 kilometers, not miles. Blew past my goal and I was coughing and drooling like a wet pussy the entire time. Then the tarballs that came after were even more incentive to do it again. Disgusting. Don't stop, lain. Breathe through your nose to keep your brain cool. This will make you drool. Practice your stretches to increase blood flow. This will make you feel like a girl. Consume raw garlic to clean out your veins. This will make you stink. And cough like a dying fat fuarrrk. That's weakness leaving your body. Don't set a daily or weekly yet. Do it when you when you want. You wanted to do it today. You should be proud. And don't beat yourself up. It's ok to be gentle. You don't have to talk bad inside your head, >"Come on, we can do this, it's just a little further..."

>>58207 A marathon is ~42 km, anon.

>>58209 well soykaf. Good thing I didn't stop. Had 50k in my mind anyway. But I never want to run a real one that's gay. I just want numbers.

My best friend says she's not going to have empathy for anyone anymore. I don't know how to feel about this. I'm not sure if she'll change for better or worse.

>>58221 Empathy is way overblown as well as totally overrated. I view it as a vulnerability and a defect, particularly for people who can't use it selectively and are really driven by it. Empathy (and sympathy) are key faculties, but what's more important is the core self which comprises the dispositions and machinery that organize the higher behavior. The structure implanted by the parents which develops into the moral sense, and "conscience", is also important. Further, it is important not just how the conscience and morality is built, but where it is build. For example I have vastly diminished (in part post traumatic, in part was always that way) empathy and sympathy, but my behavior remains stable and highly moral, almost legalistic. Why is this? Because the conscience is built up as a towering structure directly on the life instinct. Trying to violate or dismantle it is processed as trying to attack my own body, it's like that force that comes to hold you back when you're standing on the edge of a cliff and thinking you might jump. It won't let you. My conscience is tragically built on this force. Now someone who lacks a legalistic and highly develop ethical, moral, conscience-based, whatever system, will be apt to get lost and go astray without empathy. Odds are they'll probably try to destroy themselves through others, anything to egt rid of the contrast between self and other. Anything to get rid of the pain, horror, and grief, of one's own reflection. Say nothing of whatever retard Hylic's face you're seeing it in.

>>58223 >Empathy is way overblown as well as totally overrated. I view it as a vulnerability and a defect, particularly for people who can't use it selectively and are really driven by it. 0. Do not post in or view any boards if you are under 18 years of age. empathy is awesome and I'm glad I've improved my own empathy over the past few years. people like me way more and it just feels a lot better.

>>58221 This is a fear-motivated response. She's been fuarrrked over one too many times and now she's just never going to open up again. >>58223 empathy is a deeply ingrained biological imperative, and for good reason. >but my behavior remains stable and highly moral, almost legalistic. Why is this? Because the conscience is built up as a towering structure directly on the life instinct. Trying to violate or dismantle it is processed as trying to attack my own body, it's like that force that comes to hold you back when you're standing on the edge of a cliff and thinking you might jump. It won't let you. My conscience is tragically built on this force. You're deluding yourself. This ediface of the psychopathic superman is what you use to avoid feeling vulnerable. Probably it is what OP's friend thinks of herself too. But there is absolutely no reason to have morals or what-have-you besides the fact that fundamentally you see other people as worthy beings. That is empathy.

>>58224 First, I would clarify there is a difference between empathy and sympathy. You could also call it cognitive empathy (I know how you feel) and affective empathy (I feel what you feel). I have taken hold of what was left of each and begun to dismantle them outright. My empathy has deteriorated. It's not useful for anything at this point. Good for you though. >>58230 >You're deluding yourself. Even if this was true, so what? >This ediface of the psychopathic superman is what you use to avoid feeling vulnerable. Obviously. Though there's a bit more to it than that. >But there is absolutely no reason to have morals or what-have-you besides the fact that fundamentally you see other people as worthy beings. That is empathy. I'd say that's more a matter of morality. Conscience has to do with what moral aspects personally linger and affect you. Empathy is simply the ability to understand the states and internal structure of another person. It has no inherent connection to ultimate behavior and can be ignored, unlike the more reflexive and automatic functions like sympathy. Or the mutable, exploitable, and bendable conscience and moral framework.

After 7 years of highschool (I failed one already) I burnt out 3 months before graduating. It's extremely difficult for me to go to this place because I'm just extremely conscious of the fact that I'm wasting time during more than half of my classes and it's insufferable to be around social media zombies. Everyone would call me gifted when I was younger yet now I'm doomed to fail because I'm simply too smart to attend this place. The only reason I was interested in finishing it is so that the state keep giving my parents money since their paycheck is too small to feed me and my siblings. Lainons without a highschool degree, how difficult is it to get a job? I was planning on stepping into IT with web development since there's lots of opportunity, it's easier than learning systems programming in C/C++ and the paycheck is most likely more than I'll ever need. Today I had school but I decided to instead wander around outside until the library opened where I am right now. There are two options from here on: 1. Not finishing school and dedicating every hour of the next 5 months of my life to training myself to become a competent devloper, hoping to accumulate enough skill to make up for not having any degrees 2. Finishing school, going to university just so that I can live from the goverment's money

>>58235 I will give you the third option, you finish highschool because well, people are judgmental and they might not hire you just because of that. Most importantly though, get into IT if you're already thinking about that. What diploma you obtain is only secondary, the MOST important is the skills and experience you are able to build up, and what kind of apprenticeship and opportunities you can get early on to snowball your career. If you're still young (early 20s) you have enough time to get good by the end of your 20s, say 5-10 years, but it's not easy gibs money, you dont simply watch one youtube video and become an expert programmer. It takes years of deep research and developing engineering / problem solving abilities. If you're gifted this should be your strong point but no one can help you with self-sabotage and social anxiety. You have to put your emotions second and just bite the bullet. I also hate "people" yet I go to work every day because it enables me to eat. Just ignore the folks you don't like anon, it's not that hard.

>>58235 Also I dont know where you're from but a lot of countries have "specialist programs" even for young kids, like high school with a focus on programming classes. Im surprised if that's not availible where you live, you must live in an unbearable dystopia where schools only purpose is to brainwash and domesticate and drain the will to live of the poor youth.

>>58235 yolo and finish it, i passed high school with 4.0 in religion cause i had zero motivation to learn. Nobody cared when i applied to math/cs in uni. That said i did make the effort to have 1.0 & 1.3 for the subjects i applied for. And finally if you give up now you're essentially pissing away all the previous time you invested into getting your degree. You can do the webdev route after you get your degree if you wish but dont believe its less bullshit. Modern webdev requires likewise learning a lot of nonsense to brand yourself expert and work in the corp enviroment.

>>58238 Indeed its all bullshit. But one could also note that all this "bullshit" useless fluff courses act as a massive filter for both lazy, socioeconomically disadvantage people etc. etc. If there was no filter at all, there are always 100 million indians and chinese to replace you, so you have to give them a reason to hire you like "I finished high school, and now I know skill X, see my github / reference". It all gets better after you finish the worst generalist stages of your life but as soon as you enter into specialized college or Uni things change fast and many Unis allow you to tailor your courses and do independent self-study projects. If Uni is expensive where you live, stop fuarrrking whining and go to the absolute cheapest Uni and focus on getting good grades and tailoring the content to your field. Paying more will not make your study better except for the contacts you may or may not gain.

>>58238 if you're going to post a grading system, explain it. Some countries are out of 10, most of the US 4.0 is unsurpassibly good. I have no idea whats going on in yours. pepe lain, consider that if you can't beat HS you probably won't beat uni either. Maybe try getting a job you think you might be capable of actually showing up to and doing, cause short of that you don't sound like you have many options. Not graduating highschool isn't terrible, I know plenty of people who havent and have good jobs, even in academia. Taking 7 years to not graduate highschool though, that doesn't look good at all.

also, I'm pretty sure if you get a real job or two/some demonstrable contracting work and are actually decent and diligent at what you do, no one will care that you wasted seven years not graduating HS. Right now it might suck trying to find a first job, cause that seven years of waste is all you got.

>>58240 There's afaik only 2 types of grading: US system and the reverse. So in this case 1.0 is best, 5.0 is failed and 4.0 is lowest grade where you still pass. Us is afaik the outlier again like with metric system. >>58239 I would agree on Certs offering a hurdle that can also help you lowering competition but same time the hurdle is nowhere equal. You can buy a degree for $2k in india, arabs get meme degrees, we had an applicant in engineering where half his courses were islam studies where our guys learn engineering relevant material only. So while degrees are a hurdle you likely have to work harder than others for same title. With all that said a portfolio of previous work is afaik better than any Cert unless its a gov mandated requirement which you cant get around.

>>58235 I'd see it through lain, I think many professions (non blue collar) would likely care if you didnt finish. Like some others said it's a competition and the way most employers see it, finishing highschool is baseline. Even beyond the employer I think its important for you to finish it just to prove to yourself that you can. Going the cert route is doable but takes a lot of dedication and discipline to actually learn on your own. its just a little test run to see if you can do it and can show yourself that youve done it before and can do it again. What you do after really is just up to you but make sure you really like what your doing. A career path that pays like soykaf is arguably better than one which makes you feel like soykaf. Either way best of luck, I believe in you.

>>58235 >I'm doomed to fail because I'm simply too smart to attend this place If you're were smart you wouldn't be failing. Get over yourself.

I've been suffering, maybe for many years now, from a lack of appreciation of life. I spend my days jerking off, doing the bare minimum amount of work required, and listlessly spending my free time, mainly just flipping through pornography; I don't even have energy to watch Anime or to play Video Games at this point. I don't have a single friend, either online or in person, and my social skills have gotten so poor that I can barely hold a conversation with anyone anymore. When I was a young child, I used to love to work on hobbies, and go to school, and socialize with others, but now as an adult, that previously held enjoyment has been taken from me. I overthink everything too, to the point where I am paralyzed to my bed whenever I need to make any important decision, or when some important milestone is coming up. Is this just a symptom of my mental illness(es) and will these feelings never go away?

>>58267 I'd say it's mental illness, depression most probably, but then you're faced with the chicken-egg problem of what came first, the bad lifestyle or the brain problems. Not sure if it ever goes away though.

>>58265 https://web.archive.org/web/20220212081836/https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/bad-news-for-the-highly-intelligent/ Its not uncommon for high intelligence to come with differences from other people that make functioning normally in school difficult. >classes are designed with the lowest common denominator of student in mind, a hyperactive brain makes it unbearable to be forced to do menial practice work instead of learning new information. >the student sees their curriculum as basic and surface level soykaf; they get frustrated when classes don't go into the depth on a topic they expect. >might blow off school work to read about topics they are interested in without having to wait years for their school curriculum to reach it in college. >a smart student begins to see school bureaucracy as arbitrary and meaningless, loses motivation to get good grades that are just pointless symbols on a paper at the end of the day. >begins to feel hopeless from being forced to go somewhere and complete mind numbing and fundamentally pointless work every day just to please a bureaucrat. >their intelligence leads to over analysis of body language and other social cues when talking to others. The student becomes very stressed by interacting with classmates, leading to withdrawal and feelings of isolation. >an intelligent but borderline autistic student is constantly bothered by loud noises/rigid schedules/an uncomfortable temperature in a classroom/being told when they can or cannot go to the toilet, leading to them hating being at school. The creator of Windows Task Manager and even Einstein dropped out without a diploma and went back when they were forced to have it for their higher education.

>>58269 Right, diplomas don't prove you're intelligent, they prove you have a bit of willpower.

>>56190 I wish I could help you. I can only advise Therapy and being optimistic I guess.

>>58269 omg dood thats like totally me mayn xDDDDD !!11!

>>58269 >autistic >bothered by rigid schedules

>>58270 >>58269 intelligent people can engineer willpower, or train to operate with less of it, where required for their goals.

>>58277 nu-huh, no they don't

>>58272 >>58268 Thanks for the kind thoughts Lainchan. It probably is just mental illness, although I can make things better with good sleep, healthy nutrition, no weed, and forcing myself to work no matter what (which I haven't been keeping up with for months). I know what's wrong, just needed to vent.

I've just been feeling like curling up in a ball and escaping real life lately. "Past ain't all that good you know" is probably true, but it certainly does feel like the world and life in general was less messed up than it is now. I've got lots of stuff on my mind but I guess it's not worth typing out, just wish life was easier and I enjoyed it, as it stands now life is just a neverending mandatory grind to avoid everything going downhill for me.

I wish I was good at something. I wish I had something that made people go, "hey, you're good at that, that's pretty sick". Don't necessarily care about getting validation from others, but I get depressed thinking about the fact that there's nothing I do that's impressive, even to myself. And that's all because I can't be bothered to get good at anything.

Ever since I entered adult life everything is beating the soykaf out of me. I suffered heavy mental issues since I was 11 and started to recover only in my 20s, which helped me to get a job. All the time I've been ill many random people laughed at me, and the stress made my face look much older while keeping young male proportions. I didn't take any meds and still have neurosis while being around people, though it happens less frequently now. When I interact with someone they often ask whether I'm okay because I have le sad face, which is in fact my usual face as I'm not used to smiling, and it makes me annoyed. Nowadays interactions are less painful, but it's still obvious to me they see that I'm weird. Not a single one of my pets died a peaceful death and I've had many. In the end I decided to not have any more. My dad died last year and I don't have much time left to spend with my mom as she's got cancer. I don't earn enough to get her the best conditions and best medicine service. In fact, barely have any money for essential meds, and my financial position gets worse each year due to political climate. My grandfather is very old. In less than a decade I will likely be left completely alone. No friends, no social experience, family dead. Almost empty life with no memories. Most of my time is wasted on artificial happiness. Many bad things happened because I refused to take responsibility, indulged in escapism. Many things were not under my control, but more things were. My life could be completely different if only I did things I decided to ignore instead. I had dreams where I would get successful and restore my family, start living a normal life like people around me do, but now I know this is never going to happen. I am already too late. Not trying my best and turning back to my family are probably things I regret the most.

Why even... is there an end to the existential crisis, other than my passing?

>>58324 >I am already too late. This is probably what you've been telling yourself since the very beginning. What you're telling is awful, it really is. Now that it has mostly passed, you can and need to make a decision. Will you continue down this path, that has no end in sight besides death and loneliness, or will you turn the wheel and change the things you can change? This is only on you, and only you can make the change. It won't be easy, it may even get you into an even worse place in some ways, but it'll be worth it. I hope you make the right choice lain.

I've always wanted to learn Japanese, but have never gotten around to actually spending long hours studying the language. The most I've ever done was study flash cards intensely a couple years ago, but since that is so boring, my drive to study has evaporated. I still have some of my knowledge of Kanji, and all of my knowledge of the gana, so I've thought about reading again. Reading and reading children's books, and then moving on to adult books, until I understand the written language. I have gone through something like Yotusba 1 before, reading it all even though I couldn't really understand what was going on, just picking out Kanji and vocabulary that I know, so I'm thinking about moving on to Yotsuba 2, and then beyond. But, it takes literal years to get anywhere, at least if you're a normal person like me and not a genius turbo-tard, and I'm starting to get fed up with learning the language at all. I cannot even say a single sentence in the language, or have a conversation with another person, despite studying for so long it feels. Japanese as a language has always been an interest of mine, but I just can't into it... idk what do

>>58349 Many parts thar are difficult to read on Yotsuba is not due to complicated vocabulary or grammar structured, but simply because day to day verbal language flexions, intonation and abbreviations show up as hiragana and as Japanese has no spaces between words, it's hard to parse. What helps to parse better is to focus on listening to verbal language first, then move into reading Manga. Trust your ears, that's how you learn first as a kid.

>>56164 I was kinda over my lonelieness for a few months, but on saturday I went out drinking with old school friends and one of the girls I hadn't seen in years was flirting with me, getting somewhat touchy-feely and when she gave me a hug at the end and it made me meeeelllt Now I can't think about anything but how alone I am anymore, I get sad when I'm out because I'll return to my room without anyone waiting for me. And I lay in my bed and can't sleep because there's nobody to hug. It's not her, more a partner in general, I fantasize about. I thought I was over this, apparently this validation, however small it was, was enough to break open the layers of denial and surpression I hid those feelings of alienation with Even worse, I almost texted her today but luckily didn't. She's pretty but dropped out of (the local equivalent to) high school and hasn't done anything in 4 years, she had like 4 boyfriends and later on that night made out with another girl. No relationship material. Is this how you end up in a toxic relationship? It's so god damn tempting. Please stop me from texting her before my desperation gets to me. I've had this kind of persistant existential lonelieness for years and thought I finally got over it, and now that it's back again and I want none of it. How to cope? Getting into a relationship with this emotional state is asking for disaster. I have hobbies and frens, that's not the problem. I am touch starved so bad.

I get so incredibly bored at class, I feel like a little child. I'm already 23 and I'm still stuck in first-second year in my university (doing CS). I'm currently enrolled in math and computer networks and I just find it so fuarrrking annoying and boring. Obviously working a full time job at the same time isn't exactly helping but I know plenty of people that can do it, I'm just fuarrrking lazy. I think my main problem is that I don't think university is worth the trouble, I couldn't give much of a soykaf about it. I'm still here because of parent's pressure, work security and meeting new people. So far, I've been unable to help with any of those things.

>>58372 F4pping helps. Never had any problems with wanting a partner. that may have something to do with my outlandish fetishes and my inability to trust someone to the point of letting myself be vulnerable, though. Adopt a stance of paranoia, don't trust people in general, and soon enough you will actively avoid relationships.

>>58373 know that feel. I am gonna drop out because it's a fvcking bore and practically useless in my eyes. If you truly don't want to struggle through it, you should look for something that makes you happier when doing it. For me it's working with metal, specifically welding, that's why i'll apply for a welding certificate and start a training for metalworking so i can get a job in that field. Just set yourself a goal that will require you to work toward it piece by piece, and that'll keep you going.

>>58349 anon, I feel in a slightly similar storm as you, but in a different boat. Im no authority on learning and fwiw I'm not trying to sound patronizing. what is important is that you are able to supplement yourself consistently with input that is comprehensible, and to retain that comprehension so you can extrapolate it with other content, rather than just rote memorization. a workflow that equips you with the toolkit to learn effectively coupled in tandem with a resilient mind that can tolerate the reduced gratification that your faced is progress-wise is key. some resources that can come in clutch I've found is the quick J-E dictionary jisho.org. throw the kana keyboard on your phone and you can speedrun looking up new words. and if I really am faced with some specific pattern I recognize with grammar, https://www.imabi.net/ what >>58353 is saying also rings true, the more mediums that exist to convey whats going on to you the better you are gonna recognize patterns. don't be discouraged. the compounding returns you will make, seriously will make the process much more fun. >>58373 dude if your intention for going to college isn't based in just doing what's for you, how is that going to help you now or in the future. if your mentally checked out at class and with school responsibilities, you just gotta take mental inventory and reassess what you want for yourself, do you get any utility out of the skills you are learning that you want to follow you through life? is there any motivation there for what you can get out of what you put in?

>>58372 Honestly dude if I were you i'd try to get with her just so you can "get over her" by either getting rejected or taking her on dates and seeing where it goes, it doesnt have to be too serious and you actually dont have to marry her. Dont expect your first attempt at a relationship to be with someone worthy because you will too easily be disappointed and you may not even be ready for it. Do you have a stable income, etc? Finding someone like that takes a lot of attempts and shifting through disappointment in consumerist civilization. Then if you can move past that, you can focus on actively trying to meet new people . I dont think being lonely is per se a bad thing, it's totally a human emotion and it's cringe fake masculinity to pretend loneliness is weak or never happens to you. Just acknowledge that you're lonely and that this feelings means you probably need to meet new people.

>>58380 I'm not sure about it. If that anon is really broken by his loneliness he might get into some kind of toxic relationship even despite the fact that he will be aware of the toxicity, just for the sake of not being alone anymore. Which we all know will end up even worse finally. >>58372 Don't know anything about this girl but if you are saying that she is not the relationship material, stick to this. Just try socializing more, best in some places different than pubs and clubs. I would say that fapping helps for the thoughts but at teh same time it might leave you in worse condition evetually. I would suggest some exercises however I am aware that it's pretty hard to get motivation for that. Always remember that if you would hook up with this girl there's alwas a chance for accidental pregnancy which would probably ruin your life to the rest. Being alone is still better than being with someone you don't really want to be with. I am personally following >>58374 way with insensitivity and extreme distrust however I can't say that it's a healthy way of living. I am just too much used to it at this point and I don't really see the way out. Just concentrate of doing stuff and you will forget about her. Perhaps even you will meet someone more suiting you. If you are trying to force something it will hit you right in the face 10 times stronger. Being indifferent is the only solution for staying sane.

>>58381 You want this guy to be indifferent, keep watching porn and anime and rotting inside his hikkimori room? You must be some Lowlife, low-T NEET herbivore if you think that's the right way to live.

>>58349 let me save you the trouble lain, its near impossible to learn japanese unless you are forced to speak it every day. ive been trying to learn japanese for years and tried everything, flash cards, audio, video, anime, guides, reading, all to figure out that you'll hit a hard plateau at some point around the 2-3 year mark that you'll almost never be able to get over unless you live in japan for a few years (or rather at some point you'll need full language immersion, which is extremely difficult to do unless you live in a country that uses the language on a daily basis). it kind of is like kicking dead whales down the beach, i was like most of the japanese learners, very idealistic about learning the language, finding stats that said you could be fluent in a few years, how much time you needed to put in, etc. maybe i could hold a basic japanese conversation, maybe i can read some stuff, but there is this insurmountable wall that im not sure ill ever climb past. if you do still pursue learning japanese, good luck. i dont regret trying to learn japanese, even if the outcome wasn't as I expected. my journey of learning japanese was one of the most humbling experiences in my life, the raw difficulty of trying to learn something where you are starting totally from scratch and with no expectation of any return, its a painful but humble journey.

One time there was this self admitted schizophrenic name-user on this alt-chan who was spamming weird soykaf, and posting tmi soykaf like his destroyed apartment (due to schiz), and his family photos. He made a thread saying that he was going to kill himself, and me, being underage at the time, told him that he should do it. I don't quite remember too much about what had happened afterwards, if he had actually killed himself or if he was institutionalized, but as an adult I feel very bad because of this. This is one of the many embarrassing and horrible things I've done in my life, but it's the worst in regards to my online behavior.

>>58403 You should actually feel subhuman. Never in my life would I have done that, not as a child, and not today. You people were a major nuisance growing up, and a few of you actually really fuarrrked me over because I just didn't get how petty, irrational, and empty the average person really is.

>>58387 I'd say full or partial immersion is a fairly simple thing to do nowadays. Simply change all of your interface and localization settings to your target language, consume media produced in/translated into your target language, keep a diary and try to express your thoughts using your target language. It's all about input and repetition and incorporating language into your daily life as opposed to language being a part of a curriculum. There's always time for grammar and focused vocabulary study, especially in your first few years/months, but language isn't supposed to be a grind.

>>58382 Read again what I wrote. I said that he should try to socialize more in different places and keep doing some stuff he likes. That fapping might leave him in worse condition than now. I also stressed that this hermit style of life is very not healthy. Being indifferent doesn't mean sitting in your basement, fapping and playing games. It means not caring too much about things happening to you, trying to go with the flow, adjusting your actions to the situation instead of being always nervous and constantly overthinking everything which is happening to you. If someone is desperate like this anon its more plausible that he might end up in some soykafty relationship because his view on things will be blurred by his needs. I am not saying that being alone is great because its not, but ist still better than being in toxic relationship. Especially that he wrote very straight that this girl is not a relationship material so why wasting time then? Its much better to concentrate on some kind of hobby which might allow to meet new people with similar interests.

I'm going through a very peculiar time. Trying to finish college. Last semester, but have some courses to redo. Full-time job also, related to the field I'm studying. My brain is not firing all cylinders. I procrastinate to the point of failing courses. Work is fine. School definitely not. I don't feel mentally unwell, I don't feel depressed. Perhaps I'm just lonely. Slowly I'm losing fuarrrks to give. Why is this happening? I'm so puzzled. I don't know how to battle this. fuarrrking hell. Will have to graduate next year...

>>58380 That's what I was thinking too, I tried exercise and made friends and have multiple hobbies. Nothing works, so maxbe I should just ignore my fears and go for it. My classification as "no relationship material" is definitely influenced by my fear of intimacy. How much, I can't say. There are defenitely quite a few red flags I noticed, even without relationship experience. And the good things I can say about her also run out quickly after "she's pretty" and "she seems interested". >>58410 I have hobbies, I am designing a 3D Printer, am planning on founding a company to sell it and I love programming. I also have friends and regularly visit a local hackerspace and give workshops on CAD, Manufacturing and Programming. The only reason I'm not employed as a engineer somewhere is that "the power of autism and internet" is not accepted here, everybody wants to see a degree. "Just focus on your hobbies" is what got me here. I could distract myself and supress those feelings again, but based on the fact that a hug almost made me burst in tears I'd recon that's not healthy. A toxic relationship however, is also a bad idea. Maybe even worse given my emotional state, I don't know. The problem is that my interests are so male-dominated, I don't really have a chance at finding a girlfriend through them. I could go on trying to socialize more but that hasn't worked for two years, I don't see why it'd work now. >>58381 It's not her specifically, just the affection she gave that got to me. And while I thought I was indifferent to relationships, as it turned out that was just repression. I've suffered for years before the repression thing worked, and I will probably suffer more now that it opened up again. I have no point of reference for toxic relationships and bad breakups except for a friend with bpd, and those where tainted by his (and his partners) mental illness. Who knows what they'll be like for me. Maybe the intimacy is worth it, since I have very little chances of finding a healthy relationship partner any time soon.

I just found out, the reason an old friend dropped off of everyone's internet radar is that she is in a hospice receiving end of life care. The second hand news I got was that she was not expected to last this long, which means she will die before I hear from her again. She's in another country and there's no way I could have visited even if I had known, which I didn't.

>>58412 Forgive me if this isn't applicable to you or is slightly awkward because this is in relation to generally not being able to motivate myself and it might not apply if it's just school being terrible. Loneliness may be a very strong factor if you see friends very rarely, I was very similar when I felt extremely lonely (which was up until vaguely recently). I found that it got better with time and I learnt to cope but was still rather bad. As stupid as it sounds do you go outside often enough and exercise at all? Both of those are great ways to help with such feelings (scientifically too) and I also found that going back to my old hobby of making games and beginning to make small things made me much happier. Having someone to crush on and think about is doing wonders for me right now but I can't tell you the permanence of such a solution. Slightly retarded but there's a quote from Nietzsche which I find helps me think about this, 'He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how'. I found that when I saw no hope for myself in the future I began giving up because it all felt pointless if I was to be alone the whole time, when I no longer felt alone I began to feel a bit more ready to fight. If I had remained alone I think I could've resolved it with time too by focusing on the things I enjoyed but I don't know.

>>58413 You simply overthink. Think too much. If you want to find someone you shouldn't use your brain but a dick. Even for serious relationship, maybe even especially if you seek something for longer.

>>58403 Come on man, you just told stupid thing to mentally ill person. You aren't even sure person is dead, or did your input was at any level important in their decision. You shouldn't torture yourself all your life for this, since your stupidity was no more your fault than their illness. Most people do worse things in life and don't care.

>>58410 If all you feel you can do is to sit in your basement and fap, then you shouldn't force yourself to 'go outside and get laid' because that has literally no reason. People have friends and sexual partners because it's pleasure and light way of spending their time, not because they TRY... SO... HARD... You know what I'm going to? If you have mental issues, you should take care of your head first of all, go to a psychiatrist and get meds, or therapy, whatever. If you're just socially alienated introvert and don't really want to meet anyone (for whatever reason, maybe you're shy, maybe you're misanthope, it doesn't matter really) then just don't care. If you have strong libido remember than even having a stable and regular sexual partner won't always satisfy all your needs, in other words, people will always satisfy themselves when they need this. If you're adult and still feel guilty for such absurd reason that's just unwise, to speak to put it mildly.

>>58412 You procastiange becasue you lack of internal discipline. You should train your body to do the work unconsciously, without that our attention will always shift to something more interesting than actually needed.

>>58415 >Loneliness may be a very strong factor if you see friends very rarely I have some and meet them somewhat regurlaly. Still feel lonely, and I don't believe it's their fault. Majority of my friends I suspect are in a similar situation as me (minus the school part). For a long time I have felt this loneliness inside myself which escapes any kind of description. Every interaction with people appears to me almost simulated and unreal, don't know how to describe this actually... >As stupid as it sounds do you go outside often enough and exercise at all? Yes. I've been doing calisthenics for over a year now. Also lots of walking/hiking. I very much like to spend time outside, it's one of the things keeping me afloat, especially after staring at a screen for hours. Without regular exercise I without any doubt would have been depressed to a degree that I wouldn't be functional in society. >I also found that going back to my old hobby of making games and beginning to make small things made me much happier I have neglected my hobbies for months. Just recently tried to return to them (one of them being photography) and I see a slight improvement of my mental state. Problem is that I have this mostly external pressure to focus on my studies, for which I fail to find energy and motivation. >Having someone to crush on and think about is doing wonders for me right now If you're talking about romantic interests then I definitely had the same experience. My soul lit up during that time. Granted, it was a long time ago and didn't work out. Haven't felt that ever since and don't expect it to come back due to my social circumstances. Haven't tried to try anything with regards with relationships, perhaps this might be the culprit? >If I had remained alone I think I could've resolved it with time too by focusing on the things I enjoyed but I don't know With time, yes. Perhaps an unaffordable amount of time for me I'm afraid. Loneliness is a big hurdle to overcome... And doing enjoyable things slowly is stopping doing the trick. This constant dread of lifelong loneliness is draining my focus. So I am taking care of myself at least physically. But this loneliness problem and bad addictive habits (e. g. internet browsing) is still a considerable challenge. I still remain slightly hopeful that I will somehow overcome this.

>>58419 Yeah I know this and actually experienced this sort of brain rewiring. I was learning a language for a few months and used to have a habit of daily morning study sessions and was able to keep it strictly regular. That stopped when school work began to occupy my schedule... Problem is that this I actually wanted to do (still do actually) and was very interested. But school work for me is drudgery, and it gives me a slight anxiety of meeting deadlines etc. And it completely kills my interest. Just have to "level up" in this ability and just grind through this (without interest), but it's too late for this rewiring process...

>>58376 >https://www.imabi.net/ NTA but thanks for the resources, this looks really helpful. I agree with jisho.org, that site has been been extremely useful for me. I've recently started using Wiktionary a lot too, I've found that they cover a lot of vocab nuance and special cases that other sites don't.

>>58421 If you really don't want to do something, you just won't do it. Accept that and focus on more important / interesting tasks.

>>58376 >>58422 >https://www.imabi.net/ There is also Tae Kim's guide: https://guidetojapanese.org/learn/grammar

>>58420 >For a long time I have felt this loneliness inside myself which escapes any kind of description. Every interaction with people appears to me almost simulated and unreal, don't know how to describe this actually... I think I can imagine what you mean by this. You meet people, interact with them, but you don't feel bond or emotional contact with them, so you don't feel this emotional warmth of mutual acceptance that is often foundation for human groups to function. Maybe they aren't just your kind of people and you should seek acquaintances and friends somewhere else. Maybe you have some emotional issues, like, for example, reluctance to become attached because it limits freedom of movement and change. >Without regular exercise I without any doubt would have been depressed to a degree that I wouldn't be functional in society. For me it looks like ersatz for some other emotional need that is being drowned out by endorphins or adrenaline from exercises. If I were you I would go to therapy. >Haven't felt that ever since and don't expect it to come back due to my social circumstances. Haven't tried to try anything with regards with relationships, perhaps this might be the culprit? I don't get why would you crush on someone without trying to make it at least a casual, short-term affair. To me it also sounds like an escape from something into a fantasy world, but maybe I don't understand something. >This constant dread of lifelong loneliness is draining my focus. Things swept under the carpet are not swept away, they will not go away by themselves and disappear. Addictive habits also serve a purpose, if you fight them with consciousness, the unconscious will find other way top achieve its goals.

>For me it looks like ersatz for some other emotional need that is being drowned out by endorphins or adrenaline from exercises. If I were you I would >you should waste money on quackery instead of getting health benefits from training lold

>>58426 I didn't write nothing about what you should do, lol, only what I would do in your place. Do as you wish, it's your life, only you choose how you want to live it (or not)

>>58427 the person who replied to your therapy suggestion is not me

>>58423 That's the conclusion I'm slowly arriving at. But not finishing this degree might impair my career abilities, although I'm already a few years into a studies related job and somewhat established. So I should do it, especially because there's not much left. But this refusal of my body and soul is growing every passing day.

>>58427 what i was too lazy to type out is you would be swapping guaranteed benefits from training for a maybe improvement. And assuming youre right also a risk of losing motivation to continue training. Looks like expected value is negative.