I don't know what I'm gonna do and what can I do.

I'm 25 now. I couldn't go to a university. I'm such poor. No much, No good intelligence. My interest is about technologies, but not good at. Also I didn't dream to get a job related at it. 'Cuz I realized I'm such slow at reading books and understand what the book says. My interests are focused on Cryptology, CS and some others which have similar subjects; except Philosophy, Psychology and Psychiatry. Also I studied non-tech related subjects more longer then technology related ones. But I have very shallow knowledge about them. Maybe I like them in a large pool, but my patience is such bad. That cause me stuck in thoughts like 'Am I really like them?' I know my specific limitation of my intelligence. Maybe that block my way to get or achieve something. This happened since I was 12 years old. I don't know which make me have that tendency, but It still hold my neck, and I can't escape from it. I have a kind of `job` now. Not for my dream. Only for living everyday. And my grand parents; I don't have my parents. My grandpa and grandma are too old. They are too hard to live like other people. They need my help. So, I can't get rid of my bad job even though it's not what I wanted. How can I find my way? I feel I missed in my life and reality. I can't look forward, 'cuz there's no a fiducial point. Maybe this writes can be unreadable and looks like a crying of a loser beacuse of a mental disorder. And I recognize it. Also I'm almost give up at technology like Programming. I just keep studying Philosophy. Maybe non-stop thinking makes me know how bad myself. But I can't go back when I was such ignorance about it. I need an advice how did you save? I mean how did you try to escape this stagnation which is persisted long time?

>>55959 You're still young, lain. These thoughts are common at your age, and it sounds like you're struggling even more due to your home life. I know it can be tough both mentally and physically when people are depending on you at a young age and with limited support. Give yourself some credit, I think you're doing well. Other than improving your diet and exercising, which we can all benefit from, I don't have any specific advice right now. Be kind to yourself and keep up your studying.

>>55959 OP, your environment is your biggest problem, and i say it because i'm on a bad environment too and recognize the same mental limitations when in it. But, since you can't leave your environment, the best advice i can give you is: Be kind to yourself. Remember that small things like a shower or a 5 minutes walk can do wonders to clear your mind and keep studying. And try to do as much as you can towards a goal (learning a skill) everyday, no matter how little, it still counts because it builds momentum. I hope your situation changes for good.

Study is hard but I firmly believe that anyone who sets his mind to it can get decent skills through focised work (study, and applying that knowledge). I don't think you stupid. Studying can be hard, and staying focused can be hard. One gets sidetracked, burnt out and demotivated at times. Don't let that stop you. As for programming, I will only speak for myself. I took it too seriously and thought it was the only thing I could get good at and that could provide me with a living. I was wrong, and though I liked it, I stagnated for a few years. Later I found out I could learn a lot about a lot of different things. You stil, have to choose a path, though, and work hard to get there. But don't let some bias let you think there's only this one option. I found out, several subjects I was never interested in, and which I never thought I'd care to learn, have recently absorbed my attention, and they turn out to be really cool. Don't fall into the narrative that you are somehow incapable or can't hack it, and anyway, a bunch of braindead people are making decent money programming.

>>55960 >>55961 >>55987 Really thankful at your kindly comments. Of course I won't stop my studying about Brain Science, Psycology and Philosophy. except I gave up programming and computer science. I don't care it won't be as an job or money maker. Also I don't want it becomes like that. My little dream is earning money at least I survive and just reading and studying what I love. But It's actually `a dream`. This society won't allow me live like that. Plus, They're already inflict pressure to me. Maybe this cause the mis-understanding between my dream and their ubiquitous dreams. 'Cuz my dream won't contribute and help this society. Thus, I don't believe and trust myself. That makes me stop/give up keep living in my dream which is the only thing for living my life. Plus, When I do study more and more, I recognized my limitation of learning and cognitive abilities what I said in main thread. So, lack of my dream, my life is confusing me. As an maze, where I can't see forward. I wish being kind myself. I've heard many warm advice from anons. I know it's helpful and really closed to the correct answer. But I can't accept it. I know it's right, but I can't. Anyway, really thankful your advices. I'm going to back reading books. Really Really thank you and apologizing at wasting your precious time for me.

>>55990 >except I gave up programming and computer science. and that's perfectly fine. Focus on a small set of things, specialize in them, and one day you'll achieve your dream :) >'Cuz my dream won't contribute and help this society. You don't have to care about what others say, it's your life and you have to live it doing what you want. fuarrrk society's conventions, do what you want with the time you have bro. >I wish being kind myself. It's hard but possible, try to at least do one nice thing for yourself per day. eat something you like, take a bit of your time to watch a movie, or meditate for some minutes. >pologizing at wasting your precious time for me. No problem, we're here for you. Hope you have a nice day.

>>55990 >'Cuz my dream won't contribute and help this society. Contributing to this society may be equal to contributing to the decline of all life on Earth. I can only vouch for "contributing to society" in the sense that it'd mean accelerating it's downfall so the planet can sooner start to tidy up the mess and restore ecological balance.

>>55959 being a slow reader is not bad. there are plenty of people who love reading lots of books and are quite fast at finishing reading books but most people barely remember anything they read. it's all about how much you remember. programming can be ignored, you don't need to learn programming until you do need it. most scientists only learn programming when they really need it for their research. >>56023 this. society is a parasite, just look at the land fill problem. 7.9 billion intelligent beings and yet there's still no solution. the only way to help society is to prevent and hold back its progress.

>>57171 i can do 100pages/hour on empty reads like fantasy books. I wont even make 10 pages / hour on hard math. So whenever someone flexes pages you have to ask what kind of material. Speedreading is essentially useless with difficult content because reading speed is not the limiting factor.

>>56023 I think the problem here is the following: >'Cuz my dream won't contribute and help this society. >therefore society won't give me half a buck and I will starve That's always the case. It's not that easy to find exploits even if you manage to destroy your societal programming. The human world is built to crush us, people who have dreams and a heart. Good luck fighting back, a massive clump of norm1es signed up to this.

>>55990 Whining about this soykaf isn't gonna help you. I used to spend my time whining about my life until I realized it didn't matter. I only had what I had and complaining wouldn't change anything. Go touch some grass, fatass.

>>55959 "Do not think that what is hard for you to master is humanly impossible; but if a thing is humanly possible, consider it to be within your reach." -Marcus Aurelius http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.html >'Cuz I realized I'm such slow at reading books and understand what the book says. "There is no such thing as the right speed for intelligent reading. Some things should be read quickly and effortlessly, and some should be read slowly and even laboriously. The sign of intelligence in reading is the ability to read different things differently according to their worth. In the case of good books, the point is not to see how many of them you can get through, but rather how many can get through you—how many you can make your own." - Mortimer J. Adler https://www.maebrussell.com/Articles%20and%20Notes/How%20To%20Mark%20A%20Book.html If you are interested in some reading tips, he has written a book called "How to Read a Book".