/vent/ #29

Let it all out. Previous >>48493

There was this ""ASMR"" artist that I really liked. Not actual ASMR, more like voice acting roleplays, but that's how it gets called on youtube. Not many videos, but all very good. Then she went on hiatus due to family issues and burnout. Fair. A few months later she started streaming games on twitch with a vtuber avatar, to relax while staying in touch with the community you know. Fair, not unusual for people in her branch of work. Now it's been over a year, she streams multiple times a week, but she hasn't made a single new video. And today with with the twitch leaks I learned that she makes over 3k a month, more than twice what her old youtube patreon ever made. I'm increasingly doubting that she will ever return to her old content. And I can't blame her for choosing to make more money with an easier job. But the idea that this great artist is wasting her time on twitch is really distressing to me.

>>50817 >There was this ""ASMR"" artist that I really liked. Not actual ASMR, more like voice acting roleplays I jerk off to hypnosis videos on YouTube. >But the idea that this great artist is wasting her time on twitch is really distressing to me. Making ASMR sex roleplays on YouTube isn't real art. She only did ASMR videos because it's the easiest career in the world to do as a woman, so many horny lonely men will flock to you with zero effort, but since this vtuber fad came along, and it's even easier than making ASMR videos, she jumped ship, probably within a heartbeat too. She only cares about the money from male attention bro, and the money and attention is in vtubing now. Find a gf to give you intimacy

>>50819 It wasn't sexual ASMR. The writting and the acting were good enough for me to consider this art and not just a commercial product. Either way, her intentions don't change what I lost. >Find a gf to give you intimacy I don't want to get cooties tho.

Why would I want to get a job? Purchasing things doesn't make me happy. I don't want to "build myself a future". I don't want a future, there's nothing there.

>>50816 empathy is a thing of the past, we as a society have destroyed our past progressions by rejecting the old values instead of looking at them deeper. a fracturing fellowship between people, othering one another, tribalistic motivations backed by corporate power and the government to further divide people. the dogma of religions has now become secular anyone falling out of line is met with extreme discrimination, all the while being cheered on as more freedoms get taken away the more we become subjects to those in power. its as if people cant think for themselves and only want to follow what has the stamp of a approval.

I don't care about anything and wish I could just be left alone. If there was no pressure for me to get a job or study, I'd just live and not have a care in the world. I wonder if I could apply for NEETbux, probably not.

>>50901 Absolutely, if there was a choice such as that, I would take it in a heartbeat. Living in just ignorant bliss alone with no one around sounds amazing. Full creative control on how I wish to actually live, instead conforming to societies standards or social hierarchy. Oh what bliss that could be..

I have recently (in the past few months) ended an almost 2-years-old relationship, and the aftermath is basically tearing me apart. I don't know if that's because I had no deeper relationship with anyone apart from her, but it's bejng really tough. I tried a reconciliation in the past few weeks many times and she only pushed me away and even went far enough to tell others I was threatening her, so I think it's time to let it go for now. The issue is, I don't know what to do. I don't have much friends (dare I say I have no friends whatsoever) and my university classes still haven't returned. Honestly, it fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I don't dislike being alone, as I have been for the most time of my life, but just the thought of the experienced we've shared and the fact that she managed to get rid of them so easily is honestly bothering. I think I need some friends with similar interests, but I have no idea where to find them. Sucks.

I flirted a little with this effeminate guy at work and have since been overcome by a deep hatred of myself which I am also directing towards him in my mind. We got on pretty well before but now I just can't look at him anymore and I don't want to talk to him. My usual negative thought patterns of being a disgusting, worthless piece of soykaf have returned and I have been getting more and more bitter and a lot less motivated to do anything with myself. I've been going out clubbing recently too (drugs included obviously) and the whole experience is really surreal to me. Given how fuarrrked the world seems right now, all this partying to a heavy electronic beat surrounded by smoke and people looking for a fuarrrk seems especially insane. I feel like I'm willingly walking into hell with my current decisions and by immersing myself in these subcultures I'm gaining some deeper understanding of people that I was too naive to understand before. Hedonism is disgustingly appealing and I want to see just how fuarrrked up these people are.

This isn't personal, but I needed to share. Browsing for something to watch, it's disheartening to see how pessimistic speculative fiction is. Everything's washed out and muddy-looking to an absurd degree, as if beautiful days are some kind of rarity instead of the norm. The people, all of them, are made to look haggard and wear rags - otherwise you're some kind of villain. Most of the conflict is either depressingly petty or part of some trite rebellion fantasy. Why can't we have optimistic fiction? Stuff where people have their soykaf together, where society isn't some great evil, and there are things to treasure outside of your tribe? If not to believe, then to aspire towards? It feels like the focus on individualism has killed some precious part of being human in our collective psyche.

Landlord's jacked up the rent by $100, work's been getting hellish ever since we started being understaffed again, and there's no shrinks in the area to help me start working out all this baggage I've had since childhood. Or at least none that are available when I'm off work. Guess it's time to leave this town. There's some jobs that pay a lot more in a town 45 minutes over, too bad the cost of living is higher to match. People were right, everything really is going to hell.

>>50988 I think that the proliferation of those sort of narratives is a defense mechanism of the status quo economic system. The media spectacle promotes myths that deny personal agency, deny the prospect of an alternate system. After all, a world that we cannot imagine cannot exist. That said, there's still some optimistic fiction out there. Solarpunk literature is an oasis of optimism for example.

>>50988 Art reflects reality.

>>50988 because that is the future that seems most plausible to people at this point in time. Science fiction usually reflects the angsts and hopes of an age., specifically those possessed by the scientific class (or at least, scientist-adjacent intelligentsia) I agree with >>50993 that it's not all doom and gloom. I don't watch much TV but there is a huge push in the science fiction literature sphere to present more hopeful visions of the future.

Today I ended up prolapsing 10 metres of my ass out after a particularily vigorous prostate stimulation session. Luckily I got it all back in just fine but it was really fuarrrking scary and I don't think I'll be shoving anything into my ass anytime soon.

>>50993 Solarpunk , huh ? I will have to explore that dear Lain ty What you said reminds me of a translation of our meme "the Standalone Complex" to Esperanto : la Starsolareco - star' ( to stand ) + sol' ( alone ) + ar' ( a collection there-of ) + eco ( a quality ) So « la Starsolareco » literally means : the quality of being in a collective which stands alone . fun , yes ? tehehe : 3

Hate having assburgers so much bros. Just want to be a normal confident human being who knows what's going on, socially, and that when I did it didn't feel like toxins on & in me.

>>50996 YOU PROLAPSED 10 METERS! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! RIP AND TEAR!

>>50961 What are you majoring in Lain? What are your objectives?

>>51029 I'm majoring in English Literature. Right now, my main goal is to finish the course, then undergo a specialization while I work part-time, and then find a proper job. I'll probably try something abroad, since this course opens a large field of opportunity to foreign professors. But that's basically it. It's just a small sketch of what I want to do. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to finish the course. I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish I had some friends that could relate to most of the things I say and appreciate, but I think I must suffer from avoidant personality disorder or whatever. Even a group of online friends would suffice.

I've waited since August for this Japanese online market to be open. I've decided to stay up much later than I usually would to be able to participate. I had just wanted to walk around, and enjoy the graphics, and learn of new artists. I had looked at pictSQUARE in August, and everything worked just fine, but now I need a Japanese phone number or something to make an account? Or at least it refuses to send any verification to my Western phone number. its not fair

I have no sense of direction in my life and waste most of my time online reading about global events and technology. My social circle is nonexistent. I communicate once and a while on imageboards and IRC trying to trigger a path on what I should do with my life. I want to figure out a way to make money anonymously without interference but really I don't even want that. I just want to be left alone away from society with a small close friends that I could see and talk to from time to time. While my other time is spend observing the world from the internet. Watching occasional educational media, anime, playing a few games that are special to me, and discovering things down the rabbit holes. I don't want more in life other than a private room, functional desktop PC w/ internet access, and my modded old game consoles with a CRT TV. NOTHING MORE!

I can't focus. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I hate it.

>>51053 Shouldn't have fried your neurons, zewmer. Get some sleep, fatass.

>>51055 wtf is wrong with you man?

>>51036 >I'm majoring in English Literature. Cool! >Right now, my main goal is to finish the course, then undergo a specialization while I work part-time, and then find a proper job. I'll probably try something abroad, since this course opens a large field of opportunity to foreign professors. Have you already given some thought to what your specialization is going to be? What about you country of destination? Where would you like to work? What would you like to do? >But that's basically it. It's just a small sketch of what I want to do. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to finish the course. I honestly don't know what to do. Well, there are very few things which we can assume are sure to happen. The vast majority of life is a big "maybe". It seems to me that you have some kind of direction and you are taking the steps to achieve what you want. What is it exactly that you don't know what to do about? >I just wish I had some friends that could relate to most of the things I say and appreciate, but I think I must suffer from avoidant personality disorder or whatever. Even a group of online friends would suffice. Why would you say you have APD? Many people nowadays complain about not having any friends, even some who are usually showered with attention. Have you considered the possibility that you are owning full responsibility of a malaise that is societal in nature?

>>51056 Sorry. Been having a rough day. Got raped.

>>51063 awful . I hope many good friends surround you . where or what culture or institution ? I believe in resisting rape culture . please stay strong regardless .

>>51068 I'm in Hyderabad. Dad was in some debt with a local lord because of the protests and strikes and so on. Decided the best way to pay it off would be to sell my ass out to the guy. It was a really rude awakening.

My long term partner and I are deeply in love. The thing is she is addicted to cocaine and an alcoholic. Like... bad. The last month and half have been week long binges, and a few days of peace. Last night she threw up more than 30 times. The night before she got so drunk she couldn't walk. She fell and hit her head on the cobblestone street. It gave her a nice gash and a black eye. She doesn't remember anything. A week ago she bit my thumb so hard that the fingernail is coming off. The worst of it? She's 4 weeks pregnant, and I have testicular cancer, so every time we have to abort because of her alcoholism is one less chance for me to have a child. The good news? Today she agreed to see a therapist.

>>51053 >sit down and try to write some code >cant focus >"I will try again later" It's been about a month without me writing a single line. Worst part is that am doing nothing particularly important with my day, either. I just go to the gym, then get home and spend the day trying to code and getting constantly distracted. Would probably help if I WANTED to write this soykaf, but the bills aint gonna pay themselves.

>>51069 are you being ironic ? I mean , saying something which could be true for someone since you are anonymous , to make a point . I only ask because just like how some participants in some cultures accept slavery as an institution , some accept rape culture as an extra-judicial system . when struggling against inequalities ( not inequities ) , first look at home and fix the ills affecting the people we know , rather than imposing our sensibilities on foreign others , when not everyone in our own cultures believe in equality yet . Julian Assange was charged with rape by Swedish authorities , against the wishes of the partners involved , for not using contraception . Julian responded almost seeming to brag at how consensual and encouraged the act were . The partners agreed , only saying they would not have consented to unprotected sex . IMHO Julian clearly wanted to raise children and a family . this kind of "rape" is extremely common for females to do to males . I personally have known perpetrators who confided their actions to me . someone attempted that kind of "rape" on me as well as real fully non-consensual rape . yes , issues of bodily autonomy are perhaps even more important than rape culture . although , the victims of one kind of harm used rape culture to seek justice on someone already grievously being punished for something else , they probably don't deserve . is it any wonder that Julian Assange is suicidal ? the children Julian has now , might have originated from a similar consensual but not-if unprotected encounter . females can acquire sperm from a sperm bank . biology perpetuates an egregious almost heinous reproductive inequality . I just want things normal . I want to see anyone I might love as an equal . not as someone with psychological ( kyriarchal ) or reproductive leverage over me . I want the world normal . perhaps a small world just for a couple of weird anarchists and myself , but can I have that world where live equal and fair lives . I had a feminist spamming ad hominens at me because I said in vitro from artificial eggs, artificial sperm, and artificial incubation is my hope . they wanted to insist that would require harmful experiments . sorry for turning your tragedy into my soapbox . I wish you many blessings from your fellow humans around the world , to counter act your agonies dear lain .

>>51069 have a cute and friendly but emo image to suit my well-meaning monologue sincerely, >>51081

>>50901 hey Borrower , its not strange at all that you want to live outside of money-making civilization , you want a social and interpersonal role . Me too ! society will let you sustain yourself through art , but you probably want an even more social role than that . same

I'm developing crushes on basically any girl that speaks to me for more than a few minutes. The latest one is my thesis supervisor who bought me a coffee today I pretended it was a date.

I feel like I waste most of my time. Recognizing that fact doesn't seem to help, I waste my time anyway. I want to not waste my time lainons. I want to at least enjoy myself. Bust most of the day I'm just waiting for the next thing to happen.

I have lived a strange life and have suffered a strange suffering. To my eyes the world is cold. People simply cannot understand what I went through, what I loved, what I lost, because it is so alien. I am certain fewer than a thousand people in the history of the world have ever known the joy that I have, and as for the pain, I sincerely hope I am the only one. I have given up hope that I might explain it to someone in a way they would understand, so I keep it secret instead. It is not impossible to put it into words, but when I do, the heart of the matter is lost. I sound insane. When I was a young child, deep in my soul I foresaw my fate. I was convinced I was special to the world in that I alone would bear a sorrow that no one else would ever know. May my flesh turn to stone. Sorry for being vague.

>>51098 Lain, a word of advice, quit being melodramatic and try to verbalize your pain regardless. That way, you may find out, there are people who do in fact relate or have even solved the issue.

I have a lot of fuarrrked up childhood traumas and soykaf that I just can't let go off and move on from, I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about getting back at everyone and just ruining their lives in return for all the wanton damage and destruction they inflicted onto me. I know that I'll be happier and healthier if I just let go and moved on somehow but it's extremely hard and it's something that's defined who I am today, despite how detrimental it is to my being and overall happiness. If I got rid of this then that's it, no just desserts, no karma, no justice, no nothing, my suffering and everything will have meant nothing and that's just extremely painful and unacceptable to me. There is no "cosmic justice", no "what goes around comes around", no "karma", no "you'll get yours", everyone just went unpunished for all the bullshit they inflicted on me. >Be me >Live in well off middle class neighborhood >Mom who did nothing but work (nurse) and abusive stay-at-home dad who did nothing but beat and torture me and my siblings >Mom was aware but couldn't really do anything due to being at work all the time and due to her just being a battered housewife who did nothing but just defend everything our dad did >Would still try to defend us and heal us and comfort us in her own way when she could, which was sparingly >Surprise surprise, me and siblings grew up fuarrrked up >Troubled kids, way too innocent and sheltered but also just fuarrrked in the head way too badly >Mom wouldn't divorce dad and run away because she and him were extremely devout Catholics (Like Moral Orel levels of bad), have to put up with all of their religious bullshit as a kid, was rejected almost fuarrrking everything as a kid and grew up in a completely sheltered bubble, while also being beat and abused >School life >Was friendly with everyone, only escape, things were okay, teachers were friendly >Be 2008, the most deciding year in my life >Housing crisis, economic collapse >Everything changes >Mom starts working 2 jobs, neglects us even more, becomes an even hollower shell of herself >Tired all the time, constant stress, bad smell, 1000 yard stare, barely lucid >Dad becomes more unhinged, torture and abuse becomes more and more deranged (breaks my brother's ribs, beat my sister black and blue in public behind her friends and forced her to hide it, would stomp and crush my neck beneath his foot on a regular basis) >Mom would act unpredictably, sometimes even joining in >Would actively laugh and enjoy it all, soykaf like that >Constantly shamed us for everything we did >Brother was slightly overweight, would still wet the bed long into his childhood >Parents would relentlessly shame and beat him for it, would constantly make disparaging remarks about his weight, torture him with strenuous activities >Would be terrified at seeing me and my sister get beat (brother younger, sister older, me middle), developed a hostage mentality of just sucking up to them and doing everything they said so that he wouldn't be beat >Sister got the worst of it, parents disparaged her grades in school, would beat her over every mistake, would punish her severely anytime she wasn't at the top (Asian tiger parent soykaf) >Grew up alone, parents never let her do anything, severely stifled social life, no friends, started eating and binging to cope with it all >Would often fight me for my portion of the food, would also beat and fight and abuse my younger brother because of the "favorable" treatment they showed him due to him sucking up to my parents >Parents would hound her and helicopter over every single extracurricular she did, all of them forced >Piano, swimming, chess >Would torture her every time she lost or made a mistake or wasn't as good as the other kids >In the middle is me, got the worst beatings, did nothing but just cry and bawl my eyes out, which would then prompt them to beat me harder, all the while making fun of me for crying and beating me harder to force me to stop crying >Was somehow my mom's "favorite", was sheltered the most, grew up completely ignorant of everything >Begin school >Everything changes there too >Early bloomer for puberty, don't what the fuarrrk is going on with me, unaware as to what sexual arousal or anything was >Would see female classmates in a sexual manner way, feel weird all the time, have no fuarrrking clue as to what I'm doing, teachers notice this >Also somehow get selected for "gifted kid" program >Mom says yes to everything, blinded by her love for me and everything >Principal (no bullshit seriously) takes me and other kid to local museum to bribe me and other kid into doing well at the gifted kid stuff >Fail everything, puberty addled sheltered kid brain has no fuarrrking clue what the fuarrrk is going on or what the fuarrrk is happening >Get singled out as a target for these two reasons >Teachers would harass and bully me in school, which would prompt the other kids to do the same >Be the school's universal source for stress relief and bullying and soykaf >Sent to the office all the time, would get tortured there as well in their own ways >Principal and school counselor were the worst two, besides whatever teacher I had >Would just keep me in the office for hours and hours >School secretary was my only friend, sweet old lady >Mom would constantly get harassed by calls from school about whatever bullshit, can't sleep >Just deliriously says yes to everything >Life gets even worse >Forced to go to autism diagnosis tests and stuff, manage to pass with being diagnosed with autism somehow but the school tried really hard to make those results come back positive, constant fuarrrking screenings >Falsely diagnosed with ADHD, forcibly prescribed on Adderall >Barely remember anything here because of the fuarrrking drugs except for more bullying, more abuse, more pain >Can't sleep, become skinnier than a chopstick, no appetite, essentially on fuarrrking meth >Also forced to go to appointments for some kind of child psychiatrist therapist thing, school thing >Don't realize it at the time because of ADHD meds but I think the shrink just knew about everything >Would do nothing but just let me play various games with him and stuff, best memory was when me and him played my favorite flash games online together during a session together >Later on in life would cry about how something so fuarrrked up would somehow become a tender memory for me >Couple years go by of this fuarrrked up life >Bullying at school gets worse, harassment from teachers gets worse, blah blah blah same old routine >Final school year, everything changes >New teacher comes to the school, get assigned to him, becomes the only teacher in that school who was nice to me >New kids transfer to school, instantly befriend me, have friends for the first time in forever >Recession ends, >Mom quits second job, starts sleeping again, mind clears up, realizes everything >Cuts off meds, pulls me out of shrink appointments >Has a heart to heart with me in some restaurant, first time in a while I was off ADHD meds >Apologizes about everything >Just utterly break down in restaurant, wasn't embarrassed about being seen in public I'm a fully grown adult now but my mind is still scarred from everything that's happened And yeah, everyone got away with it scot free, teachers, principal, school counselor, everyone I should let go, but how the fuarrrk do you even let go? My siblings all moved on from it in their own ways, but I'm the only one who's still chained to this soykaf. In my life now I suffer from some really problematic misanthropy along with an extreme fear and mistrust of other people, along with a healthy dose of extreme social anxiety and paranoia, typical generic soykaf I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on, which sounds ridiculous I know but the negative emotions I feel are just too much

>>51100 lol. cry about it hipppie. Should've not been poor.

>>51100 I know that no kind words or anything will help lift your pain or spirit, but if anything, I will just share what I think. You are completely and utterly justified in feeling resentful, hateful, and all kinds of negative feelings towards them. I mean, hell, I didnt go through something as bad as you did and I felt extremely bitter and suicidal for a long ass fuarrrking time, and I still do. (Mind you am 32 now and am still a total social and financial fuarrrk up and my parents still dare wonder where >I< went wrong) Anyway, you got dealt an abysmal hand by life and this will fuarrrk you up for quite a while, if not for your whole life, so it's definitely in your right to cry and yell and bawl your eyes out. But one Buddhist saying I like is "Pain is inevitable, suffering is not". You are in pain because of things that were outside of your control, and you just cant let it go. And that is totally your right and, hell, I would say your duty to yourself. But, eventually, in time, you will get over it. You will realize that though the pain is here, suffering is your choice. You can either hate those who bullied you forever, or hate them and eventually move on. It's not a switch you just flip, and it's not a conscious decision where you just wake up one day and decide that you are done. But that's part of the process. So, my point, if anything, is that you are absolutely right and justified in all the hate and suffering you feel. Bottoming it up and letting it boil inside of you unexpressed wont ever help. But just don't feel like you will be like this forever. Take your time suffering through this, but know that eventually, when the time is right, you will wake up one day and decide to move on. And you will just do that. Move on. And don't feel bad for being a dysfunctional adult. As I said, am 32 and barely starting to get my soykaf together (and by getting my soykaf together, I mean am finally capable of greeting someone when they say hello). Everything in time, anon.

>>51105 You're a waste of flesh and I hope you get run over.

>>51098 this site has information for self help when you are having uncommon mental problems and traumas. It may help to have a better mindset. The methods are easy and non harmful https://www.clarity-of-being.org/

>>51099 Yeah, I'll cut the melodrama. I wasn't exaggerating how rare this is though. I tried telling my family but it just put a gulf between me and them, so I don't try anymore. Perhaps they could understand some part of it if they really wanted to, but I sensed that what I was saying was bothersome and they simply wished I would stop so they could pretend it never happened. I regret trying to tell them. They rejected understanding the most important part of me and left me to grieve alone, so forgive me if I'm not willing to share details with strangers. Even my best friend doesn't know a thing. It hurts but it's better that way. >>51123 Thanks, this site seems to require some effort to understand but I will take a close look at this.

I have discovered that my girlfriend of 6 years has been having a long distance D/s relationship, and that she has probably been sharing pictures with this guy. She has also started a FetLife account and has a Kik. This is after I have worked my fuarrrking arse off for the entire pandemic with few breaks to make sure we can live comfortably. It's a soykaf time and I'm bored too, but I didn't start cyberfucking a random. Apparently the dude is married too, for fuarrrk's sake - I wonder if one or both of them are homewreckers? She still cares about me - over the past few weeks I have not been myself, and she has been the one who has brought together my friends and family to raise concerns about how I am going, which was a kind thing to do - but I feel absolutely sick, and wish I didn't have to be with her. I haven't left her yet because I have this faint hope that this is all some kind of terrible nightmare, but I am sure it isn't. It would have been better if she had left and done this, at least that would have been bearable. I don't think I want to die because of this, but I just wish I could disappear completely.

>>51198 That is like kicking dead whales down the beach man, but you know you need to leave her. Thankfully, time will make this bearable. Report the bullshit to the guy's wife, too. No one deserves to be cheated on.

I might have directly or indirectly turned a few people into emotional wrecks, hollow shells of their former selves and I'm not sure I feel too good about that.

I have recently discovered that my girlfriend of 10 years has been cheating on me in my own house with a hobo that's been living in an attic I didn't even know existed for the past 5 years. I don't fuarrrking know what to do. I managed to kick out the hobo but somehow he's actually been employed at a FAGMAN company and earns like triple my salary, my girl's been kind of dismissive about it too, she keeps trying to switch the subject whenever I try to get all three of us to work through this together. I really don't fuarrrking know what to do. I beat the hobo's ass but now he's living in a rented home next door and now my ex's been living with him there too. They always have really loud sex and it's been a living hell just knowing that a literal fuarrrking street bum stole my girl.

It feels like a lot people lose interest in being friends with me after the novelty wears off. I just want a friend I can be truly comfortable around.

>>51239 Same here, anon. It's a weird ass feeling when you initially start talking with someone and they are all bubbly and excited and they keep asking you questions and soykaf... but you get to watch their interest slowly fade until they start leaving you on seen or just stop inviting you to hang out and they conveniently have something to do every time you're the one inviting them. The worst part is that you eventually become anxious and constantly paranoid, waiting for people to leave you at any moment. Making you either clingy or cold, and neither help with making friends.... It's a cruel world, out there.

>>51239 >>51240 That's happened to me a few times too. I don't even know if it's something I'm doing wrong, and I'm too autistic to realize what it is, or if it's just that we were never meant to be friends. Now I'm friendless

lolcow and kiwi went down at the same time. Double attack?

I want all the imported bongos and wetbacks kicked out of my workplace (warehouse). They are dumb and lazy and they play obnoxious ghetto or jungle noise they have the nerve to call music. Also, I want every state trooper in my state to either get the Eric Frein treatment or resign. Someone I know is facing a wrongful claim of making a threat so he had to pay hundreds to a lawyer to get the charges watered down to have it resolved at the preliminary hearing. I have been listening to the advice of that laser Lainon in the tech board about homemade energy weapons. I have access to already made ones and experience in gunmanship and kickboxing.

>>51243 That's wonderful dear, be back before dinner though!

>>51240 Yeah, it's exactly like you said it is, including the vacillation between clinginess and coldness. I've never really seen anyone talk about this specific thing before so it is a little reassuring to at least know there are other people out there experiencing the same thing.

I'm trying to work out what I consider a reasonable amount of privacy when it comes to being online, but the conclusion seems to always be minimize use of the internet, and ultimately, not using it at all would be the most private. :(

i feel like my life is in a rut and i cant help but think this is the best its going to get for me. im not fuarrrked up like i was a couple years ago but at least back then i felt things. every day is basically the same as the last and im both happy and unhappy about that fact. i really like the routine and hate it when a day takes an unexpected turn but i also wish things were more eventful for me at times. i have no idea what the next 5 years will look like and im scared of loosing touch with reality.

>>51198 If she cheated once, she'll do it again. This isn't the kind of behavior sane people engage in. Don't listen to her when she says she cares about you - she ruined your relationship and now she's trying to make the aftermath as painful as possible for you. The best thing is just a clean break. And don't try to blame yourself for any of this, it's clearly on her. Godspeed lainon.

>>51100 My parents were very Christian and hit me for things like not wanting to go to church. Couldn't watch stuff like Pokemon or Harry Potter because they thought it was satanic. Although it sounds like you got it worse. "Letting go" isn't about forgetting everything that's happened to you. Obviously it's a big part of what's shaped you as a person. You've had this (obviously negative) experience and now you're more or less on the other side of it, and now as an adult, you get to try to shape the world around you to be better than the one you grew up in. You get to choose the relationships you have with people, the places you live in life, what your morals are, etc. I've found that people who have gone through soykaf in life have a much higher capacity to be empathetic towards other people, and have more perspective on enjoying the small things in life. Two pieces of advice: connect with your siblings, they more than anyone can relate to what you went through growing up. And if you can afford it, consider therapy. You may find it helps you.

>>51221 this is a joke right?

>>51243 Stop being racist, and remember that you are on their level, otherwise you'd have a better job.

>>51273 Sadly not. I wish.

Day 4 of nofap, microdosed. Holy soykaf I don't think I've been this horny in months.

I don't like who I have become at all. Everything in my life is constantly on the verge of collapse. It causes me great distress. Maybe I should just sacrifice these ambitions I won't meet for comfort.

>>51316 I like my warehouse job plenty and I can imagine myself making it a career. No reports, no heavy number crunching, no soykafty customers in my face, and no sitting in front of a computer with nothing to do. Blue collar life FTW. Also, I have a four year college degree in business and an IQ above 120 but I prefer blue collar work. Racism just means being able to differentiate the few sub-species within the human species. The only reason these wetbacks and bongos got hired was cause they were cheap since they were hired through a third party. They undermine the working class of America. Even Caesar Chavez spoke out against illegal immigration and called them wetbacks.

>>51328 >Racism just means being able to differentiate the few sub-species within the human species. No it means being an ass about it. Everyone can tell that Africans are different from Europeans. Recognizing that difference isn't what makes you call them "bongos"

>>51330 >No it means being an ass about it. I am more racist than anyone here, you are wrong. I get along very well with all the non-Whites I meet, and I even still tip them well when they earn it. I still want a white ethnostate.

>>51330 People can say whatever they want on anonymous imageboards and doses of vulgarity here and there help keep the discussion honest and sincere. I've called non-whites every name under the sun online but I still treat them decently in real life and they enjoy interacting with me as a result and they always greet me with a smile on their face. I don't want them around but I recognize that they aren't here of their own accord and that its the current powers who ripped them from their natural habitats and placed them here that deserve my hatred and anger.

>>51333 So you're condescending. That qualifies as being an ass. >>51340 >People can say whatever they want on anonymous imageboards Of course they *can*. But /hum/ as a whole is a good example of how that situation can lead to immense amounts of cringe.

By partaking in a discussion with an -ism - either for or against - you are already lost! HAHAHAHA!

>>50816 I wanted to bring my girlfriend (dating for two+ years now) to Thanksgiving with my parents. My parents said "We genuinely don't want to see who you're dating until you're married to them; that's how we were raised" and said that if I really wanted to bring her, she could stay at a hotel and could come over whenever she wants. This was a non-starter for me, since the point of bringing her would be to have her try to see how my parents can be okay people sometimes, and simply putting her out of their sight for the night doesn't lend itself well to thinking "Yeah, I think your parents are capable of accepting me". I told them "If she's staying in a hotel room, so am I, since that'd make her super uncomfortable." They then went on a hour-long tirade about how how she's been a bad influence in my life (she hasn't; I'm graduating with a Master's in CS next semester, have a wide support network of friends, etc..), and how this isn't how they raised me (completely ignoring that I don't like the person they want me to be). I cut them off, blocked them everywhere I could, and cried for a bit last night. This may seem like an over-reaction, but I've realized more and more that it's always been me that has to give stuff up to make my parents happy; I'm 23 and honestly, I don't like hanging around my parents. They never let me bond with anyone outside my immediate family,and just assume that I'll get an MBA (when I've never shown interest in it). They don't even know what my hobbies are or who my friends are. They've never taken an interest in the things that make me happy, and any time I even slightly deviate from their plan, they'll gaslight me (trying not to overuse that word) and shame me for not being their ideal son. These are the same people that said they'll welcome my girlfriend "with open arms" and just two years ago called her a slut. These are the same people that have emotionally abused me and my sisters. These are the same people that helped illegally evict me from an apartment I was paying for. I don't now what my life will look like from now on, and am probably making a bigger deal out of cutting of my parents than maybe I should, but I can't stand playing by their games.

>>51444 >not respecting your parents wishes and traditions >throws a fit because they are firm in their principles Wow. They won out big time, too bad their ungrateful son turned out that way. Good luck, I'm sure they'll still be there for you when you need help in the future.

>>51444 I don't know lain, it sounds like you really don't like them but we probably don't have the full picture. Going by what you said it would be easy to say they are horrible people, but I also kind of agree with >>51445. Are they flat out rejecting the notion of you having a girlfriend? Probably there is something that they don't approve of and you know, their entitled to their own opinion.

>>51445 >>not respecting your parents wishes and traditions > Not living for someone else in negation of yourself and accepting arbitrary bullshit as legitimate I fail to see the problem. >>throws a fit because they are firm in their principles >Wow. They won out big time, too bad their ungrateful son turned out that way. Good luck, I'm sure they'll still be there for you when you need help in the future. Considering the illegal eviction part, I think they were never there for that lainon to start with. They want to live vicariously through lainon's successes because they themselves failed. Which is their own problem, they'll just have to learn to cope. An MBA is no guarantee of economic success, it is however a near guarantee of having to rub shoulders with voluntary corposcum everyday.

>>51448 > Are they flat out rejecting the notion of you having a girlfriend? Good question. They aren't rejecting the notion I have a girlfriend, but if things were up to them, they wouldn't have met her until we marry each other. They've never really allowed me the space to become my own person, and I think this was the last straw in needing to abide by their rules. I'm not trying to say they're not entitled to their opinion, but I think I'm done trying to reconcile the fact that the person I've become doesn't enjoy spending time with my parents, so I think I'm done with it. I don't need affirmation that I did or didn't do the right thing; I just needed to scream into the void. I appreciate you listening and willing to ask questions. >>51449 >They want to live vicariously through lainon's successes because they themselves failed. Right on the money. The MBA thing was definitely a small part of why I didn't like living with them. They just never accepted that I don't want to go into the business world. >>51445 I don't think we'd be very good friends.

>>51449 >I fail to see the problem. Well, you wouldn't see the problem because our worldviews differ greatly, of course. That is no problem, and, in fact, is welcome. I just wish you had something of criticism to offer instead of giving him what he wanted to hear. How sad. >>51450 >I don't think we'd be very good friends. I do find that people don't particularly approve of my honesty and frankness... And I suppose you are no exception to this, so yes, you wouldn't be happy with a friend who is honest with you. I feel nothing, but still wish you luck

>>51454 > tradition > kids are property <close the world txen eht nepo what are you even doing here ?

>>51456 >kids are property You clearly didn't understand what I was talking about. lol

>>51457 > denial watch this https://odysee.com/@VCS

i’m sad and its getting harder and harder for me to care about technology. my girlfriend is in tech so i thought we would have long nights of hacking together and learning cool new things but she always just wants to play video games and watch tv. I love her a lot but its super hard to keep motivated. I’m usually too burned out from work and taking care of chores to do fun tech side projects anyway; not to mention all the price increases on hardware and supply chain shortages. it just seems like everything is going downhill and all i do now is worry about meeting work deadlines and read soykafty tech blogs about working at FAANG companies and managing startups and software architecture. I dunno how i got to be such a boring loser but i wish it would stop!!!

I mentally shut down when my depression is bad and all I can bring myself to do is sit around and do mindless soykaf like play fps games for hours and hours. I have high aspirations for my life and it sickens me to think of how much time I have wasted like this. inb4 learn self control discipline etc I get self destructive enough i stop giving af inb4 just wait it out I am like this maybe 3/4 of the time

Korean Books [dot] Com [dot] Kp blocked my VPN after I had downloaded ~600mb of content from their server. I was trying to download Kim Il Sung's works. This Intranet soykaf is exactly the same as pictSQUARE, Futaba-Channel, 5Channel, etc. its not fair

Im so miserable. Career wise things are going fine. Im a 20 kv and I think Im starting to completely detach my self from the prospects of having a relationship. For some reason, I give a weird aura around women in particular who I am attracted too. I have women that are friends, but they are just that, friends. I understand that dating is a numbers game and such and you have to become sociable...but I get all this. I do these things. Yet their seems to be this invisble barrior between me and women that I am into. Ive been told that I am a 7 by one girl in particular but she said she wasnt into me outside of being friends. I'll take a girl out on a date, I'll do everything right but nope, just friends. I am also tired of all the weird dating games society and people have put in place. Like we seem to be aware of these stupid games we play to woo the other person but we still continue to practice dishonesty in attempt to attract. We aware of all of these things but ye we still do it. Its like I am required to play this game. I was told by my father that its just like sales, but applying this 'sales' analogy just seems to always rub me the wrong way. Im starting to wonder if me being alone is just fate at this point. As a result I deleted all dating apps and began to focus on things that are important to me and what I find valuable and hopefully I become successful for me. I have good friends luckily, but I give up on relationships

>>51477 I found file related really helpful for this particular problem. Working on your self discipline won't help when the underlying cause is trauma-related dissociation. >>51495 Many perfectly normal people are virgins until their early or mid twenties, some even for longer, and it doesn't mean that you'll end up alone. I get that it's frustrating, but it's way too early to give up on it.

>>51495 I hear you on the games involved in relationships but...hang in there and keep your eyes out for potentials. I'm in my mid 30s and have been with a dozen women (current one for about 7 years). Each of those didn't involve any of that bullshit, it was really just right place at the right time with the right person. No special effort on my part.

I've had the ability to spend alot of my time in escapism but lately I've been feeling guilty about what I could do if I actually spent more time outside. Any thoughts?

>>51243 Dont talk about your homemade fun toys on internet boards if you don't want the party van to pay you a visit, baka.

Ugh, for right now I don't want to do anything other than play Tekken and basic needs.

>>51775 UUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

There's something wrong with me but I don't know what. For my entire life people have only had nice things to say about me, but I can count on one had the people that have tried form a deep connection with me. Something's just off about me. I don't understand.

>>51779 You are ugly and everyone feels pity for you. That's all it is.

prease do not rewd rain. sankwu.

i'm in my last year of software engineering degree. also work full time as a programmer. extremely apathetic towards uni work recently. will already have to repeat 3 courses because of procrastination. i feel completely alien there. probably not depressed. i just don't care anymore and don't see the purpose. but work is alright, so that's good...

>>51779 >>51780 This, plus probably weird behavior.

Maybe someone can help but I'm scared about many of the classic right wing talking points. To me it seems factual that my race (I'm white) is in a decline that everyone seems to just ignore. I'm going to post some facts to back that up below. If anyone could somehow counter these it would ease my mind. I know some people will say just don't care but it's impossible for me not to on a biological and philosophical level. Even if I am right it seems I have little power to stop it, and that this genetic extinction is an inevitability. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_demographic_decline : 'There are two main causes of White demographic decline: high immigration rates to majority-white regions from majority-nonwhite regions and a difference in the fertility rates between the waning white majority and the waxing non-white minority. ' 'According to the 2019 National Vital Statistics Reports, published by the CDC's National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), the average fertility rate in the United States varies significantly by race and ethnicity.[28] The average fertility rate as of 2019 was 1,665.5 births per 1,000 women for non-Hispanic whites, 1,824.5 births per 1,000 women for non-Hispanic blacks, and 2,006.5 births per 1,000 women for Hispanics.[28]' 'It is most demonstrable in the United States, where the total population was 89.5% white in 1950[1] and is projected to become 49.7% white by 2045.[2][3][4][5] A common term for this trend is "white replacement." Similar trends have been recorded in Canada, Oceania, and some European nations.[6][7] There is no evidence to suggest that these demographic trends will stop or slow down.' 'According to the most recent U.S. census, the non-Hispanic White population is shrinking (US Census Bureau, 2018). This trend has been observed in other White-majority countries including Canada (Statistics Canada, 2017), the UK (Coleman, 2016), and New Zealand (Stats New Zealand, 2004).' https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_sexual_orientation : 'Significantly more white youth identified as exclusively homosexual (3%) than those of ethnic minority backgrounds (0%)' Some of the article does state that they were also more likely to not disclose their sexuality in other studies but that being an excuse seems like copium to me and defies personal experience. How can I combat the sadness this causes me? I know any response will be that it doesn't matter but it does to me, it's my biological purpose and even if life inherently has no meaning I was created for the purpose irregardless. I refuse to cope through media and other things while my race dies off, but I don't know I can even do. I have seen firsthand how people like me give up to ease themselves, becoming addicted to vices to cope but I know that they're just suppressing the truth they know to be there and it's something I can't do. Sorry for the post but it has genuinely been haunting me for a while now.

>>51791 hey, I'm in a similar situation regarding procrastionation, although I'm not entirely out of the race yet. lainon let's both pull through, there's not that much left to be done, I believe in you.

>>51809 genuinely feel much better after reading this. i appreciate it. all the best and good luck to you with your studies!

>>51803 >I know any response will be that it doesn't matter yeah, it really doesn't. >but it does to me go find a white girl and have 23 kids if it bothers you that much. Why are you this attached to the prosperity of the white race anyways? It is already a mix of a great amount of ethnicities which coincidentally had white skin. Why are you not attached to whatever hyper specific subset of white people you are from? They are much more likely to "die out" than the whole of white people anyways.

Can I vent? A positive vent. I haven't written code since June. I got a job and posted around the site a while back. All is fine. I realised that I want to be closer to others and not squeeze my brain all the time to figure out a problem or something. I wrote 3 chapters on a sci-fi book that I would like to show to the world some day. Life is moving on, and I am just, stressed? It could be because of things happening all at the same time. Or just the fact I choose to talk, bond, touch and be around (whenever possible) to a girl that is really really hard to figure out. I am not sure, but my vent is soft. More like a whisper from a faint wind howling slowly a tired tune. Apologies for bringing such a weak vent but things seem to go fine. Just don't forget to explore things that are different.

>>51803 don't worry, everybody will be in decline within this century

this isn't the type of thing I would normally post on an imageboard, but I've reached a point of being isolated enough in my life that I'm once again posting in one of these kinds of threads after having not done so on an imageboard in nearly a decade. who cares, no one is gonna read this I hope. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm only a few years away from turning 30 and a few months ago I was effectively homeless. I've been working in IT for about 6 years now and I'm about to lose my job due to there just being a lack of work available for me at this company, and I've never had a single other job that didn't pay like soykaf and wasn't for a soykafty company. I've bombed basically every interview I've done and tried many times to get out of this soykafty small MSP I work for and get a job at a real company that pays me a living wage, and haven't succeeded in doing so. the only reason I'm not literally on the streets right now is because someone I know online was able to get me a couch to sleep on somewhere in the city I live in. but I don't even know what the fuarrrk to do with my life at this point anyways I'm tired of working. working in tech isn't fulfilling to me -- the vast majority of jobs out there in tech are doing soykaf that I absolutely despise, writing stupid web apps for gay startups making useless garbage, and even then I doubt I would be able to get any of them because I'm too much of a fuarrrking autist to pass an interview and frankly despite all my years of experience I'm not good at anything besides linux sysadmin and some very niche programming languages that no one uses. but there's nothing else I would be more suited to do or be able to tolerate that I would be able to survive doing, and even then, it doesn't matter. I can't handle more failure and rejection. I've had enough of it. I've been at the edge for years now barely making it and knew that sooner or later I'd reach a point like I was at this year where I had nowhere to go and hardly any resources at my disposal. I'm tired of eking out this miserable existence for what ultimately amounts to absolutely nothing. none of this pain is for anything, and that's maybe my biggest problem with my life right now. it's all just suffering through each day so I can suffer through the next day, with no possibilities on the horizon that would make any of this feel worth all the pain. I don't even know what I want anymore. I envy people who have simpler problems where they have specific things that they feel are making their lives painful, because that at least gives someone tangible goals. when you don't want anything other than for the pain to stop and you don't know what could possibly make life more tolerable aside from just dying, that's when you know you're really in trouble. for years it felt like I at least had some tangible goals that I could set for myself that I thought would ease this unending pain of being alive, but things have only gotten worse for me, and now I just don't know. I've lost any will to live I had and I don't feel like I have anything left to do except die. I just don't understand how anyone is able to make it through life. I don't understand why anyone would ever subject themselves to a life where they spend a third of it working at a job, a third of it engaging in mindless passive consumption, and then another third of it being unconscious. life is mostly pain just by default (Schopenhauer already said as much over a hundred years ago), and to me it's the height of human absurdity that we would ever prolong our own suffering by living out a natural life when for the vast majority of people the only life that's available to anyone is one that is unfulfilling, painful, and ultimately completely unimportant. I hate having this fuarrrking mindset that a lot of people have who are raised being called 'gifted kids' have where I feel like I should want more for myself than just having a normal job like everyone else and going through life being content with being a relatively forgettable and unimportant person to everyone except my equally unimportant room temperature IQ peers and family. I wish I could be content with having the normal life that's expected of me, but I can't and even if I could let's be real, most people don't even have the luxury anymore of being able to live boring but secure lives. things are infinitely worse for young people today. most of us have nothing on the horizon at all except precarious employment in the lowest paying retail and food service jobs, barely making ends meet and one minor emergency away from permanent financial ruin. by that metric I'm probably doing better than a lot of other people in some respects, but it doesn't make me feel any better. it doesn't do anything to alleviate this resentment for being alive that exists at my core. I just don't understand why anyone should or would subject themselves to any of this. I wish I could even say that I just want to die, but I always think of this Emil Cioran quote, "There's no sense in killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late." I think about that quote a lot in times like this and wish that it were possible to retroactively erase myself from existence so I wouldn't exist in any possible universe to experience any of this right now. everything about having to continue to live is pain, and I hate everything about it, I hate everyone around me, I just hate all of this and I want it to stop.

>>51849 lain, I don't know how to break this to you, but you have an exclusively negative lens to it all. You could say life has no meaning so there is no point in doing anything, but you could just as well say life has no meaning so there is nothing you have to do and can do what you want. it sounds to me like you have nothing that makes you want to live. you could exploit the basic human need for socialization and do something where you primarily help people. become a kindergardener? the world in any case is bigger than just horrible IT jobs. maybe find someone and be their home husband/wife. you could exploit your biochemistry and do drugs. you could just migrate to sweden, do some crime and end up in their cutesy prison. in any case, you have all your life to find something that makes the pain bearable for you!

>>51849 You have to love life to appreciate it.

>>51849 You obviously need a career change. Start entry somewhere in a place where you can learn a trade, have some money to put aside and start living outside of work. >a normal job like everyone else and going through life being content with being a relatively forgettable and unimportant person to everyone except my equally unimportant room temperature IQ peers and family get the fuarrrk over yourself. You can't handle rejection because despite all you have an enormous ego. Billions of people on this planet buddy, guess what, you're one of them. Making intimate memories with people who care about does more for future generations than being seen by people you deem room temperature anyway.

>be me >20 >cs student >basically mentally retarded >fuarrrking up everywhere >cannot study or pass a test or turn in a fuarrrking assignment on time to save my life >every attempt i make to get work done ends with me losing focus and giving up in less than 5 minutes >attention span is so shot that i can barely get through a paragraph unless its content is particularly stimulating, let alone pay attention during a lecture >pretty sure i fuarrrked up when registering so even if i do manage to pass this semester i dont think my credits will transfer (current in second year of community college picking up all the bullshit superfluous credits) >spend nearly 100% of my time clicking around various social media time sinks if im not watching porn or playing video games >recently came to the realization that i am a massive narcissist and i dont know what to do about it. i likely have a smorgasbord of other personality problems im not privy to because i dont have the capacity to recognize them >am possibly autistic >horrible friend >almost entirely positive that everyone i interact with thinks im an asshole or a moron or something. or rather, they know im an asshole and a moron >very dependent, need to be coddled like a child and have my hand held through a lot of things because i am too weak to function otherwise >been staying up to ungodly hours despite all my classes taking place between 8am and noon (it is currently 5 am and im posting on lainchan instead of sleeping) >cant see a therapist or even my college advisor because im petrified by the thought of being judged >spend an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming about being isekai'd into some other world where life isn't so hopeless (though i have been doing this for as long as i can remember) >can barely form a coherent sentence the only thing i do on a daily basis that isn't self-destructive is exercise, but that wont pay any bills. most of my problems are caused by my own laziness and soykafty attitudes but these habits are so ingrained that i dont if i can reverse the damage at this point. i dont know what to do about any of the stuff i just talked about. luckily its hard to mess up suicide via shotgun so as long as i can at least get that right i should be fine

>>51850 >>51853 >>51866 Lains, I'm just venting, I'm not looking for advice and if it came off that way that was my bad

>>51893 I'm the poster of >>51850 and yeah, I was sort of aware. I felt compelled to write my personal view on things however, no matter how small the probability of improving your life in some way. in the end I don't know if I'm even correct or justified in doing so maybe it's egotistical too, since I know that when I was feeling down having had someone to offer a fresh perspective would have been nice and doing so myself might just somehow magically raise the chance of receiving the favor back one day. but in any case lain, that doesn't change that I genuinely meant what I said!

>>51890 >spend nearly 100% of my time clicking around various social media time sinks if im not watching porn or playing video games Block all the time-wasting websites, jerk off before studying, put your phone away or turn off your computer entirely. Going outside also helps with focusing as it gives your brain something to process. You can also get some sensory toys to fondle while studying, for example I fondle a 1oz silver coin while reading and have my lava lamp always on so my brain is busy with processing the bubbles. >recently came to the realization that i am a massive narcissist and i dont know what to do about it. Just lower your self-esteem, you're not that good. I mean you might be intelligent, but your narcissism should be supported by some real achievements and not just by itself. >am possibly autistic I already figured that out. You have the same problems I and my certified assburger sister have. >horrible friend Find better friends. Just pretend you're a neuronorman or something. >almost entirely positive that everyone i interact with thinks im an asshole or a moron or something. or rather, they know im an asshole and a moron They can see you have autism and you probably say things they don't like all the time, e.g. "Demon Slayer is a soykafty anime". >very dependent, need to be coddled like a child and have my hand held through a lot of things because i am too weak to function otherwise Autism. >been staying up to ungodly hours despite all my classes taking place between 8am and noon (it is currently 5 am and im posting on lainchan instead of sleeping) Stop using computer that much and go out more. It will somehow help you sleep better. Reading paper textbooks before sleep helps - you will get bored and sleepy at some point. Not that I'm an expert, I have the same problem but with 2am. >cant see a therapist or even my college advisor because im petrified by the thought of being judged A sane therapist doesn't judge you like you think they would. This could actually help but remember some therapies are adapted to neuronormans and not autistic people. You should probably diagnose your assburger. >spend an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming about being isekai'd into some other world where life isn't so hopeless (though i have been doing this for as long as i can remember) Welcome to autism. >can barely form a coherent sentence Autism. >most of my problems are caused by my own laziness and soykafty attitudes but these habits are so ingrained that i dont if i can reverse the damage at this point. It looks like laziness from the outside but that's how autistic brain works. Basically I'm you but a little bit enlightened and older. Last year I wasn't able to study at all. Now, I read a textbook at least once every day. This is because I use the power of my autism properly and discovered how my mind works. Btw, are you passionate about what you study? If not, this will be hard.

It is lonely here at the top.

>mother is ill >blames it on the 5G tower recently installed at her work >claims the vaccine and 5G are some of the worst things being normalized >I agree, but add that a society which has normalized mutilating the genitals of infant boys, which is worse, can normalize lesser evil >she screams at me for twenty minutes about how to never bring that up again and how Muslim propaganda is the only reason I don't like it I'm used to it.

Found the love of my life, all the right things were there, except that she was terribly emotionally damaged and full of baggage. No matter, I thought, I'm gonna make it work somehow and just suffered through the drama and insanity, not realising that I'm being emotionally blackmailed and gaslit. Sentences like "I don't know what I'm gonna do to myself if you make me go back to my place." and "I'm scared I'll stop loving you if we take a break" and "Don't do this, my ex did that when he wanted to break up with me." were the norm. Any attempts to change anything were met with so much utter drama and bawling and screaming and running out of the house at night that I always ended up giving in after all. The alternative made me feel too much like I'm a soulless monster and I loved her so I just wanted to see her not hurting. At some point in this whole fuarrrking circus *something* happened and I started gradually losing my mind, becoming anxious, jealous, and basically pure frazzled nerves. Still kept trying as hard as I can and facilitate some sort of growth out of it all. For true love and all that. Her promises seemed genuine enough, the good times seemed good enough. Fast forward two years: My reality is fuarrrking broken, I am a shambling mess and basically 100% Limbic system. In a constant dissociative state, suicidally depressed, literally a zombie. I fail at the most rudimentary life tasks, am completely stuck and look and physically feel like I've aged ten years in the span of two. The love of my life has grown in many ways, getting a new and promising career, moving out of her toxic parents house, taking better care of herself and being more socially active and competent, more interested in things in general, (obviously because I was her stress sponge and coping cowboy for that time. Not so obvious to her) . She also broke up with me, saying I became "too depressed and pathetic" but saying she still wants to have a future with me and we only have to "figure out our bullshit first" because "the red strings of fate" will keep us tied forever. Two weeks later she fuarrrked her Ex on a little camping trip (I always wanted to go camping with her she always refused) and two weeks after that went to him for 10 days to "learn how a resilient person lives" (read : do some breathing exercises and get fuarrrked like crazy.) She had to let me know that because she felt so so sorry for doing it. She didn't *actually* apologize or Show remorse though. For nothing she did in those years, really. "I made her do this because I was so depressed and she couldn't stand that" She also revealed to me that she lied and withheld stupid and impulsive things she did in the past, and tried to convince me that I should have been more strict with her and treat her like garbage, and that I shouldn't have committed so strongly (despite her constantly having demanded the utmost commitment) because "women her age don't really know what they want and need to be put in their place" (Nigger WHAT) Naturally all of this made me lose my soykaf even harder, and now I'm the villain for wanting justice and confronting her with her soykafty behaviour. Literally not an inch of a fuarrrk given about my state and how it came to be. As a result, within the span of the last couple months I turned from "The best thing that ever happened to her" to a crazy ex that Is blaming her for all her life problems and that "we should have broken up much sooner". Just fml.

>>51895 >turn off your computer entirely my classes are 100% online, including textbooks. if im not on my computer there is literally nothing productive for me to do. i could go to kinkos and print them out i guess but i dont have that kind of money >You can also get some sensory toys to fondle while studying i fiddle with and chew on those plastic floss pick things a lot. im probably swallowing a lot of plastic but my teeth are spotless. they help me focus a little bit but im probably better off buying a fidget spinner or some soykaf actually engineered for aspies >Just lower your self-esteem, you're not that good i know im not. i think i have a very realistic view of myself. narcissism is defined more by feelings of entitlement, envy, and unwarranted self-importance, as well as a lack of empathy. more narcissists have low self esteem than not >They can see you have autism and you probably say things they don't like all the time i say retarded soykaf all the time and i find out that i fuarrrked up way too late. im fine over text chat usually but in real life conversations i dont have time to think about and revise what i say (it took me 30 minutes to get my original post right, this one has taken 25 so far). >Stop using computer that much and go out more. It will somehow help you sleep better i sleep great, actually. exercise helps a lot with this. it doesnt take me any longer than 5 / 10 minutes to fall asleep usually. the trouble is that i stay up too late because the allure of having the world all to myself is too great to pass up >A sane therapist doesn't judge you like you think they would logically, i already know this. but anxiety is inherently illogical. plus its not just my therapist i'm worried about, i'm still on my dad's health insurance and i dont want him knowing that i have problems. plus many therapists still arent accepting new patients due to covid and the ones that are often opt for virtual-only meetings and i only feel safe to talk about my problems when theres no chance anyone could overhear >Btw, are you passionate about what you study? not really. computers are cool and i have fun tinkering around with little programs and doing wargames but i would likely find something better if i looked for it. the reason i chose to pursue computer science is just because of the job opportunities. i could not care less about every other subject i'm having to study though. it doesnt hurt to expand your horizons of course but i really cant force myself to give a soykaf about biostratigraphy or whatever. thank you for your reply. ive been needing to get a second opinion

>>51901 my dad is a lot like this. its sad seeing your parents falling down the facebook conspiracy rabbit hole. i guess there's some solace to be had in knowing that there's nothing you can do

>>51921 >narcissism is defined more by feelings of entitlement, envy, and unwarranted self-importance, as well as a lack of empathy The former comes with autism, the latter (lack of empathy) doesn't. Autistic people have empathy but can't show it in a way neuronormans would expect. For example if someone says "My grandma died" but doesn't cry, I would say "okay", but if they were crying I would probably legitimately feel sad. >but in real life conversations i dont have time to think about and revise what i say Just don't touch highly political topics and you should be fine. That's what I do and people seem to like me. >(it took me 30 minutes to get my original post right, this one has taken 25 so far) I also often write long and autistic posts. >i sleep great, actually. exercise helps a lot with this. By better I actually meant earlier. >the trouble is that i stay up too late because the allure of having the world all to myself is too great to pass up That's what putting away computer before sleep is for - everything is boring and limited outside of it, unless you get autistic hyperfixation on something different like a textbook. But I understand your problem well - at night, when everyone is asleep I can truly focus. >logically, i already know this. but anxiety is inherently illogical. Illogical fear is illogical, I can't really help with that. By the way, anxiety is often coupled with autism. >plus its not just my therapist i'm worried about, i'm still on my dad's health insurance and i dont want him knowing that i have problems. plus many therapists still arent accepting new patients due to covid and the ones that are often opt for virtual-only meetings and i only feel safe to talk about my problems when theres no chance anyone could overhear That's quite hard to solve. You should either get a job, sugar daddy or a rich girlfriend, but I guess that's hard with autism (I'm a kissless semi-NEET by the way). There's a chance you can deal with all that without a therapy but you should understand your autistic mind first. I could figure out some papers about autism if you really need that. >not really. computers are cool and i have fun tinkering around with little programs and doing wargames but i would likely find something better if i looked for it. the reason i chose to pursue computer science is just because of the job opportunities. That's bad. I literally can't do things I hate because of my assburger. That's why I'm a mad scientist with a mad goal. Autism gives you superpowers if you're fascinated by something, but it will make it 5 times harder to learn things you hate. For example learning English is a real torture for me and the only reason I can speak it is because I was forced to attend classes as a kid. Same with math, I hate math. But biology? Cells are little biochemical factories, now that's cool. >thank you for your reply. ive been needing to get a second opinion No problem, that's good my something helps you in any way.

>>51923 >I could figure out some papers about autism if you really need that. i would really appreciate that, if it's not too much trouble for you >Autism gives you superpowers if you're fascinated by something, but it will make it 5 times harder to learn things you hate. this pretty much describes me perfectly. have you found a way to "force" a hyperfixation? can i harness the power of autistic obsession?

I seriously contemplated suicide again earlier today. Just so tired of constantly feeling like I don't belong wherever I'm at, with whoever's around me. Human beings are worthless fuarrrking soykafs and everyone deserves to die. I wish I was dead. I wish everyone was dead. I want to die. Death sounds so nice right now. I might actually do it. fuarrrk life. fuarrrk living. fuarrrk everything. The world is horrible. Nothing is good. Everyone hates me. I hate everyone. Please kill me.

I feel disappointed in myself for not making more efforts to kill myself. Makes me feel like a sham having wanting to kill myself for so long but still be alive. Maybe im holding onto some sliver hope but I'm afraid of it just being delusions of hope.

>>51931 the fact that you're venting about how much you want to die proves that you still think there is some point to interacting with people. If you actually do it, be less of a drama queen, just leave a note like everyone else.

>>51931 i think about this a lot. the only reason i haven't ended it yet is because i think there's still hope for my future. i'll buy a gun just in case once i can afford one

>>51931 Similar spot. Can't say that it necessarily helps, but read Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse. It perfectly describes these feelings of alienation from the rest of humanity.

i wish i wasnt so scared of everything

I'm constantly struggling against time in my life. Everything feels like a enormous waste of time, if I'm not studying or working in the "right thing", I'm not accomplishing anything. Except that the things we accomplish are never for ourselves. Every choice in life is a trap, but we have to chose anyway. Not choosing is a trap. If I don't pay attention to what kind of new bullshit I'm getting in to, I'm going to lose more time and be even more late in getting out of this massive complication. I want to buy land and go retire by the age of 40. By retiring, I mean starting a new life for myself, as autonomous as I can get. Can't reach it without good amount of money. To get money, I have to absorb a great deal of the slave mentality. Gotta deal with acceleration, in a world with no goal but to masturbate problems with other problems as lube and getting nowhere. It's like I have to march towards what I hate the most to get out of this. My only goal in live is to get out of society but I must embrace the slave world even more fiercely in order to get out of this ASAP. What a gigantic trap, lains. I'm fuarrrking overwhelmed and getting old. How the hell am I supposed to get out of this without becoming a mere gear in civilization? Everywhere I go I see "DEATH TO THE SOUL".

>>51814 >go find a white girl and have 23 kids if it bothers you that much. You know obviously but if this view is correct that means nothing. It's also not a realistic possibility both socially and financially. >Why are you this attached to the prosperity of the white race anyways? It is already a mix of a great amount of ethnicities which coincidentally had white skin. Why are you not attached to whatever hyper specific subset of white people you are from? They are much more likely to "die out" than the whole of white people anyways. As biological things we're designed for the purpose of spreading our genetic code. The idea of most single subsets of white people is dead (there are no pure germans, french etc.) and I'm not one of them. There is however unification among whites in our genetic code (see race targeted medication, genes commonality by races etc). The reason people form relationships is because of this fact, the goal of passing on their genetics, but since the method of design for our systems (natural selection) isn't ever going to program us to take actions of these issues till it's far too late by nature we are doomed as no individual genetics for survival will ever be brought about, only general knowledge through thought can counter it, but that places us in a position like I am in, wherein the entity can comprehend but not counter its failure being a seeming inevitability (but that doesn't mean it's not worth struggling against, like cutting your arm off from under a boulder, you have to try and resolve the issue despite the pains and face reality). I of course know that eventually my race will die out irregardless but I think the purpose of it is to prolong your genetic code as long as possible, especially in the case of it one day potentially being immortalized (another unlikely gamble). I understand that fighting what I see as near impossible seems dumb but I feel like it's my purpose, and anything else is just abstraction, like I'm made for it.

>>52011 >lazy 70iq subhumans are outbreeding whites <have lots of white kids then >but im too stupid and lazy to financially afford that

>>51814 >Why are you this attached to the prosperity of the white race anyways? Losers who fail at life gain status by clinging to some identity shared with high status people. >white people have super high iq and invented everything and are awesome >i'm white therefor i'm awesome too

>>52025 it's stolen valor. it doesnt matter who your ancestors were, what matters is who you are as an individual. even if your dad was albert einstein, it doesn't change the fact that you're a loser. i suspect most white supremacists realize this, but they choose to ignore it because it's the basis for their entire ethos

None of the things I used to like really bring me joy anymore. I can't even find peace in prayer. All I know is I hate the devilish society that made me this way.

>>52025 >>white people have super high iq and invented everything and are awesome Ask white supremacists about Asians and watch the mental gymnastics.

>>52034 >Ask white supremacists about Asians and watch the mental gymnastics. I think the leading theory is that asian iqs are all clumped together around the average and whites have more variability (more geniuses at the top and more retards at the bottom). And it's the geniuses at the top that push forward social and technological advances. Note that there's a difference between white supremacy and white nationalism though. White nationalists are not saying that whites are superior. They just say that everyone would have more peace and prosperity if we segregate along racial / cultural lines instead of dealing with all this forced diversity.

>>52053 >I think the leading theory is that asian iqs are all clumped together around the average and whites have more variability (more geniuses at the top and more retards at the bottom). Not sure which theory are you referring to but Asians have higher average brain volume and higher average intelligence.

>>52056 >Not sure which theory are you referring to but Asians have higher average brain volume and higher average intelligence. A group of asians have iqs [110, 110, 110] => average 110 A group of whites have iqs [170, 70, 70] => average 103 The asain group has a higher average but the white group has that one genius who invents atomic bombs.

There real story is it's not 'whites' it's 20+ different groups and some of the subgroups have avg 120+ iq while some are below 100. This is like 20 year old research. Asia is special because they had a few rounds of super hitler purges the west largely isn't even aware of which likely unified the genetic spectrum. One failed revolution had a ethnic cleansing that purged 40m in one go while west still thinks there was never anything worse than hitlers high score.

>>52059 I don't know how many different ways I can explain this to you dude. Average doesn't matter. It only takes a single 100 iq person to solve an algebra problem. If a 70 iq person can't solve it then a room full of 70 iq people can't solve it either. Complex cognitive tasks like research and development is determined by quality not quantity.

>>52023 That's disingenuous and you know it. First there's nothing in this to do with iq etc. this is purely a matter of natural purpose, the actual makeup of other races is of no concern. You're deliberately ignoring the logical reasons that proposed solution doesn't work, that is that it doesn't actually stop the issue at hand, just slow its growth slightly (and to a rate that isn't important). I'm not unsuccessful or lazy but raising 23 kids is unrealistic for 99% of the planet, I think about 8 is a realistic maximum and even then is unlikely as it requires finding a partner willing to have 8 kids. >>52025 That's not what this is about as I have clearly indicated in my other posts and the reply above. You're typecasting me rather than honestly engaging with my arguments. I explained my reasons for caring and they're nothing to do with iq or racial superiority etc.

>>52011 >You know obviously but if this view is correct that means nothing. It's also not a realistic possibility both socially and financially. This is the classic response to a pragmatic solution. Every time someone tells you to have more white kids, to try and get out of the cities, to live in small towns and villages to rebuild your civilization you then decide that it can not be done. Mormons did it, Amish did it, Mennonites did it. Funny enough the Mennonites actually do have modern technology but practice religion and are usually white anyways. Why do you not consider joining them than trying to be the doom and gloom type?

>>52076 Oh well, guess you're just going to have to accept brown people in your life.

>>52028 To be fair on this it can be a good motivational tool for races when you think about it. Sure their ancestors are not Nikola Tesla or Walt Disney. But it does help Whites feel a sense of being able to do anything as a society. But if you truly believe this then you must say this about Blacks as well and they must not be put on a pedestal for accomplishments that did not exist with them to begin with. >>52053 >>52058 While i am not that lainanon. I will say that most Anglo Saxon whites have a lot of variance with dumb people on the bottom due to always having safety nets and not allowing natural selection to occur like it is nowadays that did not happen thousands of years ago. I believe this is because most people at the top protected against this, but now that there is no longer accountability for that, society is just returning back to the mean.

>>52077 I do not care about Browns or Asians in all honesty, i just dislike people who complain and whine, hand wave away solutions then keep complaining about the problems and whine about it constantly. It is an exercise in being annoying and echoing things that have been stated for almost 6-7 years now.

>>52080 I don't believe you when you say it's about whining. All you've done is whine here. Or to be more direct: Bitching about bitching just makes you a bigger bitch. Well, at least you got momentary attention from me.

>>52058 >A group of asians have iqs [110, 110, 110] => average 110 >A group of whites have iqs [170, 70, 70] => average 103 You're not familiar with normal distribution, learn statistics first before commenting.

>>52082 It is about whining because look closely. >My race is dying out >Only solution is to have an orgasm inside of a female of the same race as a male to create children >Repeat step two multiple times and you have more of your own race. But then people like you just hand wave it away when your ancestors did more with less. They did not have much money, they did not have all of the great technology, information and did not know much about growing crops and food or childcare like you have today. Also do not pretend you are a new anon user that suddenly was in this thread. This site barely has any new users as it is.

>>52083 Yes a 3 person sample to prove a simple point is not statistically accurate. Thank you for your valuable contribution to the discussion.

Pls don't be racist guys ;_;

Forgive the stupid nature of my comments below, I think a lot of the idiocy is needed to properly handle certain things even if it does devalue my argument because of its comedic/idiotic nature. >>52076 It's not a real solution though and you haven't explained why it is. Even by the virtue of 'if you do it so does everyone like you, therefore you have a solution' it fails to make sense as the amount of white people plagued by the same issue with the capacity for a large number of children isn't going to be enough to combat the difference. Me having 22 kids wouldn't matter, it's not pragmatic at all, since it fails to challenge the solution. If you want to illustrate the problem (forgive the rather autistic nature of this illustration but either you can't get the problem or want to deliberately ignore it so it's best to illustrate why your approach fails in real terms) pour a glass of milk / some other non water beverage and place it under a slowly running tap, that's a model of the decaying population change over time. Then add a small amount of milk directly into the glass and leave it to run, modelling the theoretical 22 kids. Does the presence of extra milk prevent the glass from being replaced with water? No, it simply prolongs the inevitable, and by a very small amount, the same as your suggested approach does with the changing makeup of populations. No amount of smug anime girls and insistence on your beliefs being pragmatic can actually substitute a logical explanation of why you believe your approach works. It isn't correct just because you claim it is and you need to explain why it could work in the face of the issues I have laid out.

I'm back to having daily breakdowns because I'm lonely and miserable. The problem is this time I'm not a NEET anymore and have responsibilities that are now being neglected. I'm surrounded by happy couples now so I just feel even worse. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

>>52116 >It's not a real solution though and you haven't explained why it is. I explained why it is, can you explain why it is not? >Me having 22 kids wouldn't matter, it's not pragmatic at all, since it fails to challenge the solution. You can have 3 kids maybe even 4. >Since it fails to challenge the solution. There is no solution because your elites are retards when it comes to issues of society and groups. The only thing you can do is leave or continue to do what you are doing now and make excuses. >No amount of smug anime girls and insistence on your beliefs being pragmatic can actually substitute a logical explanation of why you believe your approach works. It's not really a belief, it's more or less one solution out of many. At some point you can be a doom and gloom retard by repeating the same thing every single thread like you are now, or you can move on. It seems like you do not desire to do so and just spill your spaghetti. >It isn't correct just because you claim it is and you need to explain why it could work in the face of the issues I have laid out. No i have, it's just you do not wish to argue in good faith and continue to whine about problems and have other people do your homework than listening to advice to go on the right path.

>>52121 At some point even i feel this way, due to the fact i use to be a NEET myself and basically did nothing for a long time. But it makes me realize that i do not have to save much money for things i want anymore. I would advise you to just try to find a woman you can be happy with and that values the fact you work than the money you can offer her.

>>52121 i know you didnt ask, but heres my advice to you: dont worry if you're lonely. most of life's troubles have to do with other people. one of the most valuable skills you can learn is the ability to be happy on your own. a girlfriend won't magically make you happy. maybe at first, but it won't last. i always ended up super codependent on my partners before i figured this out, and that was a million times worse than being lonely ever was. your future self will thank you if you can learn to do this while you're still single, trust me.

>>52168 You're coping too hard. Being too lonely is just as bad as being hyper-dependent on others. Humans are social animals and were conditioned to need and desire the warmth of human connection over thousands of years of evolution. You can lie to yourself but you can't escape your genetic programming.

>>52172 what? i'm not saying you should be a hermit. i'm saying that loving yourself is the only way you can set a good foundation for loving others

ever since march of 2020 ive been dating a girl with cptsd, bpd, adhd, & numerous other soykaf. shes 19 and lives with her parents, her moms a heroin addict thats abused her since she was born, same thing with all her father figures, she got pimped out by her mom at 6 and might not be able to have children now bc of how fuarrrked up internally she is bc of it. shes been fuarrrked over by a lot of people, which i think only heightens here inate paranoia. at times shes the best person to be with in the world, she loves me a lot, but shes extremely obsessive, and prone to "splitting" which i'll get into later. when she "splits" it really is like talking to a different person, shes vile, says the meanest soykaf to me someone can imagine, hits me, just seems to hate me. afterwards she feels bad, but its been going on since weve started dating with no improvement, its been fuarrrking with me a lot. she tells me shes going to kill herself a lot, and its completely not a bluff at all. ive had to run out of work and drive to her house to stop her from ODing, and another time have to get her phones gps to stop her from digging a steak knife in her neck in the woods. shes tried to kill herself multiple times, has tried to sneak guns out of my house to do it. ive talked her out of it a lot, but the only thing that calms her down is promising her with a future of us together; one that i dont even know if i want. whenever i seem distant, she begs me not to abandon her. which makes me feel even more guilty, i should be, i suppose. but she threatens suicide the most when it seems like im about to break up with her. she'll have two week long depressive fits if im even slightly acting different. she also cant handle confrontation, when she does soykaf that cant just be excused via splitting, like exaggerating anecdotes about me, lying to me, cheating on me, she breaks down. if i even seem the slightlest bit mad, she's fuarrrking bawling in genuine tears. the thing is, i dont think any of her actions are really the fault of someone who is mentally 1:1 with themself; the opposite, really. its hard to make it seem genuine over text, but shes not lying or bluffing or "acting" a certain way, she just genuinely gets frequent panic attacks from the smallest things. im not a very attractive person, im pretty ugly and short, and this girl is the only one ive been with in my whole life. shes cheated on me 3 (possibly more) times, none of which shes really atoned for. i cant really sum up all the stress ive gotten from this relationship. but i cant bring myself to leave her. i genuinely cant let someone i care about die because of my own selfish actions. but i also feel trapped, i dont know what to do. i barely scratched the surface of my situation too.

>>52186 Hey Lain. I can relate to your pain so hard that I feel the need to say something. First of all. Come and get yourself a virtual hug. This is an awful situation to be in, caught between a rock and a sharp edge, so to speak. Secondly, I've been through the same Conga the past two years. Mine wasn't as batshit extreme as yours but it did go into the same territory, what with cptsd and bpd and everything else. I also felt responsible for her growth, and my conscience wouldn't let me give up on her so I toughed it out through all the bullshit. and it broke me. Completely. Now I'm the one with cptsd and I'm even displaying bpd traits. I know it's just because my body is stuck in a trauma response and I'll be myself again... Well... When I've found the way to be myself again I guess, but still. I feel like I ended up paying twice just because I didn't want to give up on somebody that it really never was my responsibility to take care of in such a complete way. I wound up being so depressed, burnt out and pathetic from the constant managing of her "bawling attacks" and insecurities and threats to harm herself that she ended up flipping the board on me. Dumping me and then fuarrrking her Ex. It's painful as all fuarrrk, and I still love her and wish her the best, but I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it probably shouldn't ever have developed in this direction. What I mean to say with this meandering anecdote is this : You cannot, under any circumstance, take responsibility for another human being that is not of your own blood (and /or semen) and a minor. It is very likely that in her state, your overprotectiveness is exacerbating the insanity, because she can basically "get away with it." you'll be there to make her feel safe and validated after all. No matter whether she really is in so deep that it's all unconscious, in which case she shouldn't even have intimate contact with other humans, or if she has a streak of narcissim and playing you for your insecurities, this has to stop, and you need to get out of this for your health as much as for hers. She needs help, of the professional kind, and she needs to face herself and accept that there is work to be done. Same goes for you. Your conscience might provide you with the good story, but I'm pretty sure that your baser self simply doesn't want to get rid of that juicy 19-year old pussy. You having to write about your loneliness and ugliness just underlines that point, and this dynamic is unhealthy in every way to both of you i cannot stress that enough. Let me repeat, she needs to get professional help and she has to find a way to work through this. She cannot flirt with death just to get away from the responsibility to become a decent human being, which she isn't - by choice- trauma or no! if somebody really wants to die, they just go do it. They don't ask to be saved, they don't play crazy games and drama, they just fuarrrking do it and you never knew they wanted to. This also I had to learn. Suicide by impulsivity can happen, but it is extremely rare, and especially the bordie types end up calling the police or emergency afterwards. anyway. All of this is hypothetical, I don't have enough insight into the situation to make a certain statement on that, and you probably don't have enough insight either, so where does that lead us? That's right. Professional fuarrrking help. The best thing you can do for both of you is taking her to a therapist, perhaps even a clinic if that's possible. Don't pay for it, you don't owe her that. Don't do it so you can live with her afterwards, do it so she can live with herself, because for as long as she refuses to, this will not have a happy end for both of you.

>>52186 Oh right, it probably goes without mention, but I'll better mention it anyway. Just as it is in no way acceptable to make yourself responsible for another's life in such a toxic way, it is also unacceptable for another to make their life so dependent on you. That is the height of irresponsibility, to say "Your choices will determine my survival". And in most cases it's just a fuarrrking game because "my pain is so so unbearable" that there are solutions out there to face and work through the pain, rage and emptiness without pulling the fuarrrking trigger is just being ignored because OH NOES! That would mean work and effort and discomfort and that's even more unbearable than to stop existing! It will not be your fault when she dies. Period. You didn't ask for this, you have not signed a contract to take responsibility of her survival. And if she decides to kill herself over her own discomfort, and make no mistake, it is only discomfort, and it is hers alone, then that's also not your fault but her fuarrrking responsibility. Ask yourself, did you wake up one day and say to yourself "Golly, I sure would love to feel guilty for somebody's sucide after they enmeshed me into a toxic relationship!" I don't think so. She cannot push that soykaf off onto you. That's the height of emotional blackmail. Get her help, make sure she gets help and keeps getting it, that's as far as you can satisfy your conscience realistically, but do not let her destroy your life just to prevent discomfort and taking responsibility. She will not thank you for anything in the end anyway. You're just the biggest convenience at the moment, and she can decide any day when you're not convenient enough anymore. I'm sorry to lay it on so heavy, lain. I still want you to feel hugged and seen by me, but you have to get The fuarrrk Out of this And let people handle this that are actually trained to do so. If she broke both her legs, kneecaps a-poppin, would you Google some bullshit about fractures and bone growth and try to Frankenstein her back to health just so she doesn't have to leave the house? I think not. This is literally the same, it's just made to look different so she can stay in control of her little world of suffering. Get out get out her out, her her to seek help, love her, if you must, but from a distance that doesn't get you burned along the way.

>>52139 >I explained why it is, can you explain why it is not? I explained multiple times and even gave an analogy to help explain, it's not my fault if you don't want to listen. Your solution is likely the best I have, but it's a band aid on a bullet wound, it does very little and doesn't prevent the issue outright. It's most important to brainstorm the best solution possible to me, since if I am to dedicate myself to a solution it should be the best one. Other solutions would be: Peaceful political approaches, though they're unlikely to be successful (think campaigning for an ethnostate, in a peaceful manner, though most people would just laugh at the idea and it would get nowhere, not impossible since Israel exists etc. but without an event to spark it not going to happen). Moving to a remote area and enacting your plan, though eventually that will fall too over time and is difficult. Enacting your plan in my current location, which is pointless as it would be reverted too quickly. The nazi tier route, which is unlikely to be successful and seems to have needless baggage and violence. In this way all plans to me currently seem extremely unlikely or ineffective.

I'm just not really interested in anything. I always get excited about something but then very quickly lose interest. I don't really know what to do with my life, I'm mediocre at everything I do and I don't have any real ambitions.

>>52269 Could this be because of all the information we receive through technology on a daily basis?

I'm always playing therapist for people who spill their guts out to me but never return the favor

>>52269 i am in the exact same boat. i think it's due to whatever undiagnosed cocktail of mental illnesses i've been blessed with. if we keep our heads up, i'm sure we'll make it. >>52270 probably. the internet has been nothing but a detriment to my mental health, but i'm addicted. i notice i'm way happier the less i use social media and the less news i watch, but i'm like a heroin addict. i keep coming back even if its terrible for me >>52271 i can relate. it's all take and no give with some people. that sort of behavior from people has given me an unhealthy level of self-reliance. i can never ask for help because i can't expect people to listen

>>52223 Ok now go be a doom user somewhere else.

>>52269 I feel similar. I have slowly weaned myself off of news coverage and social media. And I have felt a ton better recently. Besides I notice that a lot of social media is just 85% bots nowadays who stir up drama just for responses and most news is not important except for the the hobby stuff you follow.

I fuarrrked up and accidentally made it apparent to my doctor I have depression and anxiety and he wants me on meds or to see a therapist but I can't do either because root of my problems is from my family and i have no way to do anything without them knowing and that would just make things worse for me. I also am unsure he will give me the meds I want even though he seemed open to letting me pick my own meds because I came off competent enough about psychopharmacology.

It seems as if my life is a constant battle between myself and my anger, frustration, sadness and worry, with brief periods of apathy. Some days, I drift through the day without incident, though the blandness of my routine ensures that I don't remember much of it, if any. Other days, I'm smashing my head into a wall or clawing at my scalp while tears stream down my face, praying for the courage to finally end it. I've tried changing my approach to things, but I keep getting knocked down. I keep going against my word. I keep lying to myself and failing all the way down back into this pit of despair while all anyone can do is look upon me with scorn or mockery, as if I'm just one big joke to them. It's been that way for years. I hate them. I'm wasting my youth. With each passing day I can feel time slipping through my fingers like grains of sand and there's nothing I can do to stop it. One day, I'll be old and disgusting, ready to die, assuming I don't allow my emotions to get the better of me first. I hate it. At the same time, I hate the body I was born into. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror I feel disgust, and no matter what I do, I can't shake that feeling. I can't separate myself from the idea that I'm ugly. Dropped out of another college. I was never cut out for school life. I was this close to screaming at my teachers. I want to go find a job, get some money and for the first time in my life trick myself into thinking that I have some kind of agency. The problem is, I can't bring myself to do it. What's the point? I'll never have enough money to live the way I want. Do I even know how I want to live? Do I even want to live? I don't mind being homeless, dying on the street. Doesn't matter to me at this point. This world is disgusting. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of just how horrible it is. When I was a kid, other kids would make fun of me by calling me an "alien". These days, I wonder if they were right. I don't think I belong on Earth, or maybe anywhere, for that matter. I want to leave this place behind, leave humanity to destroy itself. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like there's something chasing me, and that I'm being burdened by this huge weight. I can't relax; always so tense and stressed. Whenever I smile, I scold myself for smiling. I don't think I deserve happiness. It's such a foreign feeling. I worry I'm going to do something horrible one day, something I can't walk away from like hurting someone, and I'm stuck whining about my problems on an imageboard because no one else gives a soykaf. Not like I expect them to, anyway. I think it's best if they forgot about me, left me alone. I can't do this anymore, Lain.

>>52291 bro. listen, sometimes i wonder if none of us existed the world would be a better place. but i know there are in fact, good people in the world, that alone keeps me from losing my goddamn mind. the truth is we the human race are deceived by, well other humans and somehow we have called empathy some of us are very good at denying its existence and hiding it within than others. but it exists and sometimes its easier to give yourself less empathy than you know what you deserve or other people in the same manor. its sometimes hard to look at the world positively when there is so much bad. but trust me there are people in this world that wouldn't hesitate to help you when your at your worst. i feel you tho man, just keep your chin up and just remember that you wont let it bother you because you are an individual that alone is a miracle.

>>52281 >I feel similar. I have slowly weaned myself off of news coverage and social media. And I have felt a ton better recently. Besides I notice that a lot of social media is just 85% bots nowadays who stir up drama just for responses and most news is not important except for the the hobby stuff you follow. I don't use social media either, it's just cancerous. All this covid stuff also made me stop reading the news. There's almost never anything interesting on the news anyway.

>>52287 Never tell a medical professional that you have depression or anxiety. Once that goes on your medical record any time you contact a doctor in the future they will see it and say you're just imagining things it's your anxiety again go away and stop wasting our time.

>>51922 It's not all bad. I've been unemployed for years, but I tell her I'm fighting the anti-christ by not having a job, and even though she knows I'm joking, she agrees with me.

>>52307 I didn't till prompted after the doctor assistant caught on when questioning me and my blood pressure was pretty high from being taken after being questioned. They apparently screen for depression in a normal checkup which I didnt know because I had not been to a doctor in years and I being caught off gaurd did a bad job covering it up and then i let it slip through because Im going through a lot and barely have anyone to talk to anymore. My current doc is better than what I experienced in past. He only gently suggests I go on meds or see a therapist maybe insistently but one other doctor (my records werent transfered to him) was a bitch. She verbally abused me tried to bully me into taking SSRIs calling me abnormal and shouting at me. I only later found out that was my mom's doing who told the doc i was not happy. I rarely ever go to the doctor in my life only started going when i got insured and had come down with lyme disease from an unknown tick bite so after that was taken care of i started getting anual checkups. Only thing that was ignored by my doc so far was my concern (out of vanity) over my face being a different colour than it was a couple years ago, he thought it was just a tan and said to wear sunscreen (which actually causes skin cancer seems docs dont know this only dermatologists do) but I dont go out much being a shut-in so i cant be sure it is a tan or not. Im just hoping psilocybin gets approved for depression soon so i can have fun knowing i can make the government pay for it.

>>52318 >Im just hoping psilocybin gets approved for depression soon so i can have fun knowing i can make the government pay for it. Wouldn't that be glorious? I can't wait until I can go to the corner store, show them my doctor's note, and pick up a 10-strip.

>>52294 >just keep your chin up and just remember that you wont let it bother you because you are an individual that alone is a miracle. I've heard this before. What's so miraculous about life when all you've been doing is wasting it?

>>52337 you clearly think there is something to waste.

>>52337 well i think you just have to deal with what is, instead of what could be.

>>52294 I'm someone else, but your post is really inspiring; thank you lain

>>52291 Just stop being a weak whiny liberal and grow some balls. Remember that you exist only because your ancestors were able to survive all the threats this world has to offer. You have no right to be a weak passive loser.

>>52291 I understand your feelings. I haven't dropped out of college but I'm not a good student, despite my determination to finish and keep a consistent day to day schedule I always fall into the same pit of getting up late, skipping lectures and doing the bare minimum to pass. I waste my time watching stupid videos that I'm only half interested in and reading threads that make me angry at people I don't know, I can't even read a book chapter or watch a movie in 1 sitting anymore. If I play vidya its always the same grindy RPGs where I delete my save after a few days because of some imperfection in my build and start all over again. I feel like I live in a waiting room inside my head, perpetually irritated, inhibited and distracted. Even on a website like this I feel communicationally retarded and can't express myself properly due to mental blockage.

It's so fuarrrking infuriating seeing how soykafty this site has become. Lainchan is one of the only places left on the net that is still kind of tolerable to me, but holy fuarrrk it's becoming more and more indistinguishable from /g/ every day. I hate this place and I hate applememe for doing literally nothing to try to preserve the culture of old lainchan, and I hate how everywhere on the internet is completely awful and insufferable

>>52504 > everywhere on the internet is completely awful and insufferable I'm not sure _everywhere_ online is. The vast majority of places? Maybe. In any case the internet is only a reflection of humanity. If [most of] it's completely awful and insufferable, then that's because [most of] humanity is as well.

i'm just so fuarrrking tired. i grew up in an fuarrrked neglectful household and my parents were abusive as fuarrrk. i was kicked out of my house on my 18th birthday (this was in 2011, so ten years ago now) right after graduating high school for no reason. i've never been a problem child, i didn't do drugs growing up. my parents are just massive cunts and thought i should >be a maaaaaaaaa and pay rent yeah brrrrooother!!!!!! since that's what their parents did to them. to top it off they're both fuarrrked in the head so essentially what i was left with was being homeless at 18 with severe mental health problems; all while they were driving around in $100k car and living a nice comfy life (they were poor for most of my life until around this time, and now that they're "successful" i guess they wanted to make sure i wasn't). i'm not being dramatic when i say that i most likely would have ended up dead if i didn't have my girlfriend at the time who basically nursed me back to health somewhat. she's not in my life anymore but she's a literal angel. still now i am directionless. it's extremely difficult to recover from being directionless and having no support system as a young guy. i know there are many who would grow up in a bad situation and it would become fuel for themselves to launch from and create a better life, but not me mostly due to a slew of mental health issues. i am pretty sure that i was delayed developmentally somewhat as well, don't get me wrong i am very smart in my own ways and always have been, did great in school, but many things that come naturally to people didn't come to me until my mid-20's, and even now at 28 i feel like i'm still getting those little epiphanies. what i ended up doing was joining the military, which is horrible for a person like me who is probably slightly on the spectrum, highly emotional anxious mess. i pretty much dissociated from my surrounding just to get through those few years, and now i basically live off of disability and sometimes go to school on my veteran benefits. i know nobody, i moved all the way across the country to get away from my abusive family, and the people i do know who live far i avoid because i'm terrified of people after bad parents/military. i essentially wake up everyday and do nothing. i don't like going out because i don't like being seen by people; it feels like they're casting the same judgement on me my parents did even thought that's probably not logical. i'm not even particularly bad looking, i even get hit on by women just out and about sometimes by myself but i lack any type of confidence to make somthing happen, and even if i did what am i going to do, invite them into my neet lifestyle? i just feel like if you're a male with any semblance of mental health problems your life is just going to be ruined no matter what. if you derail temporarily there is very little chance of recovering, gaining purpose/community. it really is just so fuarrrking tiresome.

>>52609 the last line sounds like a plot element from Akagami no Shirayukihime

>>51917 well she’s right about one thing, you should’ve broken up sooner. End all communications with this foul wench and proceed to live your best life. She’s still messed up as you can see. There are girls out there who aren’t this way, you just made a naïve decision thinking you could help her and it blew up on you

really hate this time of year

My life is boring. I avoid suffering. Now I suffer anyways. How incredibly dull. Just kill me or something. Don't make it exciting though, I might get scared.

"I jerk off to hypnosis videos on YouTube." Mmmh Ecchi ASMR.

>Find a gf to give you intimacy How about BF

>>52504 Don't let the door hit you on your way out

I just wish people would fuarrrking leave me alone.

>>52751 Hello lain.

Today I stood before my unis counselling office and couldn't push myself to enter for the third time. I am unable to talk about it with friends or family, call a psychologist for an appointment or get help in-person. I'm not even functioning anymore, missing half of my lectures and barely leaving my bed. Just keep acting cheerful around others and slump on, failing at all forms of attempted self-help. It'd be easier to jump than get help.

>>52843 >It'd be easier to jump than get help. No, that is not the case. The thing that's whispering that to you ("just fuarrrk everyone and gtfo, you worthless piece of soykaf"), is an alien 'ghost' in your head. With alien, I mean 'something whose natural habitat isn't your head'. It's something you created over the years. Esoteric Monks, in their quest for knowledge of the mind and 'ego', gave this thing name; a Servitor. A Servitor is a thoughtform, that can help benefit the one that created it. It can help through internal dialogue, storing knowledge and everything else a independent thoughtform is capable of. However, when you have a Servitor present, it will only be of benefit if the 'true self' present is strong. The reason why the true self has to be strong in order to live in balance with the Servitor, is because when left unchecked, the Servitor, being an independent thoughtform, can take over one's mind. Judging from your few lines of text, it seems your Servitor has taken you over. A little less esoteric are the tools handy here to counter this: CBT. No, no.. not CBD,.. CBT! Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy. With CBT, you identify how your thoughts influence your actions and vice versa. What you think in great part defines what you do. So when you constantly talk yourself down, say your miserable etc etc you really start believing in it and act accordingly. You act accordingly to these thoughts, even when you are able to consciously know that this isn't you. That's the power of these thoughts and thoughts in general. so, Lain, I send your strong, positive thoughts which I hope will help you get stronger so that you can look your demons in the eye. ~~

>>52872 Follow-up: this is an interesting read if anyone is interested on the subject https://www.spiralnature.com/magick/sigservgod/ https://www.spiralnature.com/magick/sigservgodpt2/

Sometimes it feels like it's one thing after another, wish I could get a break.

I was finally studying in college, getting a technical degree in cybersecurity but because of my health I cannot continue. There isn't enough money to cover medical bills and college tuition. I worked really hard to pass the entry exam and it feels like it was for nothing. I'm supposed to stop for at least a year, maybe i'll try to get some certifications to show at the fuarrrking corporate jobs and try to study after a year I'm just a bit lost and frustrated with life, I dont want to be a soykafty NEET

>>50816 I feel like I killed myself a long time ago and i'm waiting for it to take effect.

I farted, really let it all out.

spent some time with IRLs today. went alright, i guess i had fun? i'm not really sure. mostly i just felt disconnected. it feels fundamentally impossible for me to trust that people actually like me and want to spend time with me no matter how long i've known them and how close we are, even family. there is always that doubt in the back of my mind, the nagging feeling that nobody really wants me there and is just putting on false pretenses. 27 years and it's only gotten worse. ever since i was a kid i've had a long string of people i trust betraying me, abandoning me, neglecting me, or manipulating me, and i guess all that stuff constantly happening throughout my life has left a deep mark on my psyche. it's left me distant and unable to close the gap anymore even if i try to leap over it with all my might. maybe a girl could do it if i fell in love with them. it happened once, but then they fuarrrked me up really badly after doing a bunch of stuff including cheating on me. i'm not sure if i could fall in love like that again, but i hope i can and that it's with someone who treats me with care.

i think and talk about suicide almost every single day and i'm scared that someone's eventually going to call the cops on me but talking about killing myself is really fun and cathartic

what a happy day. A nitrogen tank is ready for my endless travel.

Things are becoming more and more stressful, I've never learned to say no or anything like that, I just accept things and I feel like I'm so stressed im going to have a mental breakdown. Im scared im one of those people who just wake up and decide to kill themselves out of nowhere, thats how i feel a lot of the time lately. I don't have control over my life, a lot of things in it are getting worse while it seems okay on paper. I haven't felt okay for months, i feel desperate almost like i just need to get away but there is no way out. i feel like i can't show any weakness, i hate myself, theres no reason for all of this other than like irrational habits from a pretty fuarrrked up childhood, but its going to end in me an heroing because i couldn't do something very simple for myself and im miserable all the time. sorry

>browsing artist profiles on IG because thats the only reason I ever use it >see this absolutely gorgeous 10/10 atomic beauty who lives close by >not exaggerating, her body is a piece of fuarrrking art >follow her and engage stalker mode >she's actually a really nice person and is very easy to talk to >what the fuarrrk? >we talk from time to time, when she has nothing better to do and when I feel its right to drop her a message >she literally has it all. Personality, beauty, social skills, a good career waiting for her >am the exact opposite in everything >realize how much of an actual abomination I am and how much our lives are different Here I am an autistic neet with a fuarrrked body and absolutely no perspectives or career options while nearing the age of 33, and she has it all. The worst part is that am not even jealous (I guess I am a bit). What really annoys me is how much it feels like I am beneath her. Like she's a completely different class of people and I was made from recycled matter or some soykaf. I see plenty of gorgeous people but you can tell that they either have the personality of a spoon or are egocentric psychos, but this one is legit perfect even in that regard.

>>50847 Wow, I got a job and I've been working for around a month. What's more surprising is the fact that I'm actually enjoying my time working. So that's the economic issue solved, time to work on my romantic problems.

>>53118 Congrats! As someone who's the in the same situation you were in a month ago, what job did you get and how did you get it? I am you from that older post.

How do I reconcile the fact that I'm both too weird and too unattractive to form anything other than surface-level connections with people? This has affected me for almost all of my life and I don't feel like it's ever going to get better. What normal people do is mind blowing to me.

>>53261 >How do I reconcile the fact that I'm both too weird and too unattractive to form anything other than surface-level connections with people? You can get a long way by just listening to people and not judging them. Most people in the modern world are starved for attention and acceptance and that's something you can give regardless of your short comings.

>have one of the most intense sex dreams of my life about one of my classmates welp I guess I have to ask her out now. I know almost literally nothing about her so it'll be interesting. >>53263 this is honestly good advice. Most people have something to get off their chest and if they can tell you won't judge them for it they will be grateful.

>>50816 I've just spent about three hours trying to confirm the statement that "knowledge doubles every 13 months" and I'm pretty pissed off at those dumbfucks who couldn't check the original citations in the first place. It seems that Buckminster Fuller DIDN'T invent a "Knowledge Doubling Curve". I checked the book, and not once was this concept mentioned. Even the relevant terms didn't relate to anything even remotely resembling exponential knowledge accumulation model. The only "original" reference where it states this and which almost every other article/news report that mention something about this are referring to, is https://www.industrytap.com/knowledge-doubling-every-12-months-soon-to-be-every-12-hours/3950 ITS A TOTAL fuarrrkING MYTH AND THEY ARE ALL REGURGITATING WHATEVER THE ORIGINAL fuarrrkTARD WROTE ALMOST ALWAYS WORD-BY-WORD! Add insult to injury, if they happen to mention something about the IBM paper which claims that soon we're going to be seeing a knowledge doubling every 12 hours or so, these glitterboys do not even realize that what the paper is actually talking about is INFORMATION NOT KNOWLEDGE! ANd look, this bullshit has even gotten past scientific examination, appearing in a medical journal! https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/24735132.2020.1731203 The author of the article even cited Fuller's work in order to make it appear as if the info was checked and factual, when in fact it's a bs myth, being perpetuated by lazy, moronic academics and journalists! This is exactly the reason why humanity must die! Nobody can be trusted in doing their fuarrrking jobs right, not fuarrrking once! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I don't really know what the hell is up with me. I spend a ridiculous amount of time doing essentially nothing and just thinking about stuff. I'm unmotivated, lack the ability to focus and my thoughts wander like crazy.

I wish someone taught me that connections were about learning and encouraging each other to explore interesting things, That it could be possible to share interesting ideas, not just sticking around with whoever bothers to stick around and is like kicking dead whales down the beach your energy out like fuarrrking vultures Now I have no one to bounce ideas off of or just exchange some energy in order to get creative juices flowing or collaborate on something, and in past attempts it always fizzles out because you realize most people are oversocalized niggers who can't bother to do anything other than talk small and be small fritzy do-nothings boring And of course I could just /find/ someone but I think any new connections at this point would just not work, is what my intuition would say. I don't know. I guess I'm just getting used to singleplayer

>>50972 Lay off the drugs bro, Hedonism has hard limits.

>>53384 Attempt to passively increase your own standings and be more confident about your choices to avoid the do-nothings you speak of. No pace is better than your own, because you will die enslaved to the ambitions of others if you don't keep that focal. You can do this, life IS single-player. Worry about simulating manifolds when you get there.

>>53382 Almost no-one is born an auditor, and almost no auditor can handle a question that large. Subtraction is humanities worst skill. Most at best learn to live in repose.

>>53383 Metamorphosis hurts, and it's gonna continue to hurt. Stay off the drugs, keep locations where you can be a devil and an angel to no-one's immediate detriment close.

If i knew for a fact resurrection was real, id probably kill myself within a month or two. It would take some time because i would have to acquire a firearm, shred paperwork, find a good home for my kitty, and donate my stuff. Id probably drop off boxes of esoteric components, soykafty projects, and apocalypse-preparedness supplies at a local hackerspace along with my rig, after wiping my drives. Id have to add documentation and make a parts-list so they know what they have and can actually put my stuff to good use. Then i would put a gun to my head, hit the reset button and hope i get reincarnated into a better human and not a cockroach or something.

>talk to a girl >start liking her >she tells me that she's going to hang out with friends >feel depressed and day is immediately ruined >we have been talking for a total of 2 (two) fuarrrking days Why am I like this?

>>53453 >She talked to me again >Said that she didnt have as much fun with them >Said that talking with me is more fun >know that she's probably being a manipulative bitch >Still my mood is peaking and my day looks bright and shiny again Why am I like this?

>>53462 She probably just likes you but is still feeling you out. You need to stop being paranoid and cheating yourself. You should probably also stop being so overly attached (it's fine to love someone, it's unhealthy to have them leaving affect you so much), it's not healthy even if you do end up dating (speaking from experience). The issue is that you're affection starved which makes you both unsure if someone likes you and way too easily attached if they show signs they do. The correct response to that fact is to enjoy the time you spend together but when she's gone like that make sure you just get on with your day as usual and it doesn't pull you down.

>>53464 >The correct response to that fact is to enjoy the time you spend together but when she's gone like that make sure you just get on with your day as usual and it doesn't pull you down. Easier said than done, anon. But I feel the wisdom of your words and I will try to clear my mind. I know that obsessing this way over her will just scare her off, anyway. Thank you, anon, for the kind advice.

>>53453 >talk to a girl I live with >start liking her >she brings a boy home one day >have a breakdown and don't leave my room for three days Suicide becomes a more palatable option every day. I am simply not built for this world.

>>53497 Should have made it apparent you were interested. You were trained and traumatized in childhood to the point where you tell yourself you want everything to happen naturally, but in fact are afraid of women, afraid of rejection, and afraid of yourself. So you do not take hold of what you want, then you have to watch as someone else does and then lives your life, and it makes you hurt and feel even more defective alienated. The feedback loop intensifies. I literally turned down a girl who was just my type and asked me out because it surprised me (even though it should have been obvious what it was leading to, her cousin had put us in contact and we'd been talking for a while), I felt like an imitation wearing the disguise of a human being with a personality, and as though I could only disappoint others and bring them misery. In many ways, I also simply felt that I should say no because it was what I was "supposed" to do, I was not supposed to exist, be part of their lives, their memories, or anything. My parents had really fuarrrked me up. I refused power, responsibility, or risk and burden of any kind, I could not bear the weight of a human heart so I removed it and gave it to something else within me to hold onto, I kept everyone at arm's length,.lead them on, and ran away. It took me until my later 20's to admit it to truly admit it to myself, but I am deeply afraid of other people, especially women. I don't experience this consciously, I can fight with people, I can domineer over them, I can ignore and starve them of attention, I can lead them and tryb to fix the problems in their lives, I can come to them in all manner of forms, but deep down, I am completely terrified all the time and never even managed to face the horror of my own existence. It is the infantile terror of having a sense of self, and ego, which I was never allowed to face as a child. I lack the "adult"/self ego state, and only have the parent and the child, mostly living through the parent and therefore seeing everyone else as children, and trying to fix and parent the world, and so on. Growing up I was stripped of any sense of I want, I feel, I need. Instead it was all I should, it should be, it would be ideal if, and so on. Of course I could not engage with the role, or even idea, that I was deeply lonely and desired these women. If you want and need someone, that implies equality, which implies cvisibility and vulnerability, which was an affront to my narcissism. My health failed completely later and I could not reciprocate with a few other women, and I regret it all deeply. I chose not to be part of their memory, I tried to erase myself from all of their memories. I thought I was stronh and doing what I needed to do. I was a coward. I was afraid. I was destroyed completely, but I also simply ran away. Not sure what it is for you, but I hope this is helpful and you can begin to think in these terms. I preferred not to risk and to simply stay detached and with absolute control, and I was punished with the pain of non-existence for it. I refused to act and take what I wanted. A friend of mine started dating the girl that asked me out, their relationship was a mess, I still cared about her unfortunately, and I basically watched someone else live my life. I don't resent him for it, I made my choices. Sucked. no wonder I pretty much wiped my memory and couldn't remember most of my lfie for the last 10 years or so. The more I remember the more ashamed and painful it becomes, and it is all refusal to risk pain that I cannot control. I am 28 years old. Do not become me. This journey is not worth it and there is no destination, it is all a complete illusion.

>>53505 not that lainon, but this post really said all the things I needed to hear. It's been a *long*, hard road to coming out of my shell but I'm almost there and this is the last push I need. >I was not supposed to exist, be part of their lives, their memories, or anything. This especially described me a few years ago, and a little bit too this day. Let's see if my one friend who said "you could get it if you tried" was right...

>>53505 I see a something of myself in that. Thank you, you've given me some things to consider. What I will say is that I'm 95% sure she was dating him before I even met her, and it's probably for the best that I didn't make a complete ass out of myself on account of having to live with her for a year.

>>53505 People really underestimate how much bad parenting can fuarrrk you up. Get yelled at a little too much as a kid, and you're setup for a life of failure.

AAAAAAA I cant't do this anymore-- For years I've just been drifting from day to day, making plans when random motivation strikes me and failing. Just failing every time. I'm moderately """"successful"""" (uni/job), because I just live in a state of absolute panic when something needs to get done, only to slip back into old habits. I'd like to think I've got some talent (I manage to """save""" myself every time after all), but I'm still wasting away because I've got no control over my life. It doesn't help that every human connection I have either feels hollow, or is extremely stressful to the point of me avoiding it. I'm just sinking deeper with every plan disappearing like smoke. Now it's crunch time again an I've slept maybe 5 hours in the last three days

>>53569 Yup. Especially if the getting fuarrrked up part comes from more than just your parents. Strictly scientifically speaking, I will never amount to a fraction of what I could have amounted to, not to mention of what others are capable off. There is literally no upside to having grown up sans resiliency factors.

>>53509 >>53505 So what helped you change? Any books, resources, approaches that worked for you in terms of "just being and feeling normal for a change"?

>>50816 Depression, anxiety, physical health issues. Everyday i wake up at 6am and before i even go to work, im thinking of how ill return home and go to sleep. Sleep, work, sleep. What a wonderful life. I aint saying that im living the worst, i aint homeless or anything, but i am pretty sad about myself and my life. Always low on energy, easily irritated. Disgusted by the world, the humanity is terrible, some people hate me for no reason, im trying to be nice and friendly but noone gives a soykaf and treats me like soykaf. I cant seem to make friends either, im horrible at socializing, im just lost and confused. fuarrrk this soykaf :))

I'm doing that infatuation thing again. I find my manager very attractive, but I have no idea how to approach her, also I'm tired of embarrassing myself so I'm just mad at myself for being myself and how rationality isn't able to beat my animalistic desires

>>53509 I'm glad if it has helped. I'm pretty much in the same spot, knowing all this hasn't given me the ability to change but I think writing it out has given me the clarity and final push I needed as well. I had been thinking about maybe trying to reconnect witht he cousin of the girl who asked me out, things got weird and ended abruptly 6 or 7 years ago. I held the idea of running into her in the back of my mind. Yesterday evening I found myself in another town at a store I don't usually go to, I looked over and saw someone familiar. I'm very poor at recognizing people without really looking at them unfortunately, she'd changed a bit and dyed her hair auburn, but sure enough, I pretty well knew it was her. I ended up in line behind her. She looked kind of miserable, interestingly barely got anything (like me), somethign happened in the store that startled her and as if I wasn't already sure memories of certain mannerisms came back as if the universe was telling do something you fuarrrking miserable creature. All the old thoughts came to me, it is best if I just don't get involved, what is there to even say, I am screwed up and can only deprive others or spread my misery and burdens to them, they are better off without me, I am not even a real person anyway, I just feel regret and like I made the wrong decisions so I want to go back to the past and have someone rescue me from this Hades and bizarre purgatory I have become trapped in, I have no right to try to draw anyone back into my life, I have nothing to give, am no longer capable of love or connection, and only intend to take. Any possible excuse. So I said nothing. She didn't notice or recognize me. I checked out and left. Watched her go to her car and leave. She was gone. I was alone again. That was that. I didn't feel like things were right, nothing has changed. If I continue like this I think I'll probably just die.

>>53607 See above, I didn't change. My life is fuarrrked in a number of ways, house is trashed, basement is a mess and is musty so when the air inverts at night the must will rise into the house. Fairly symbolic I would say, the house is my mind. so I think I'm going to stop living in limbo and get things in order.

>>53617 And I suppose the other problem is I haven't really talked with people in years (though I have talked at them) and am not really as personable, dynamic, or charming as I used to be. I see myself as a bad person in disguise and do not believe in myself at all, so no one else believes in me either. I don't know.

>>53607 honestly there was never anything I did intentionally to "fix" it. Just moving out and living with roommates and being forced to learn social skills was probably what did it. One thing I have done that most people haven't, I guess, is taking a lot of psychedelic drugs. I don't think they really "fixed" me, more like, I learned during psychedelic experiences how life could be, and what a great shame it would be to squander it. The only thing I've really done intentionally to avoid mental illness is try to build good routines. I am definitely a creature of routine (which can also lead to addictive tendencies ... I still haven't kicked porn or more generally what I would consider an internet addiction) so good routines are crucial. I try to clean my space regularly, exercise daily, set aside time for studying, that kind of thing. >in terms of "just being and feeling normal for a change"? I don't try to be or feel normal. People generally think I'm weird and I like that, I'm comfortable being weird as long as other people are comfortable with me. >>53617 damn dude, that is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Next time you recognize someone at the store, say hi :)