My life has been significantly improved since i left the academic life and started pursuing the things i love, i did and effort to not throw this last year into the thrash and even if i didn't do a lot with that i feel better, however, there is a thing that scares me over and over again: been unable to fall in love with someone again.
I know that it may sound kinda stupid, everyone is capable to love when they find the right person, we as humans need that feeling to engage significative relationships whit other people and continue the legacy of their own specie, right?; but since a girl that i was in love with hurt me for months i feel like there is a barrier inside me, that happened two years ago but that event affected me in a very deep sense that i never imagined and i cannot understand, even when someone interest me (i mean, like and attraction which is being developed slowly till it conforms a feeling of "love"), when she shows any kind of affection or the same interest that i have for she i stop feeling what i thought that it was a begining of a "new love"and it stays just as just affection (it happened two times this year)
The last month i met a girl, she has a really good heart, she is the kind of person that takes care for those who she loves in a very special way, she also presents a very high intelligence in the way that she speaks and analizes her external world in a logical way; despite all her good qualities, she still hate herself and im kinda worried with that, the last day she tried to commit suicide and he didn't told me directly and i obviulsly felt very bad and tried to help her, i know how it's feels like hating yourself and your meaningless life so i tried to understand her point of view and her feelings.
Well, before this event happened, i started noticing her and she (in her very introverted way) did it to, so, why i'm feeling that bad? why when she is not around me i can just stop thinking about her but the feelings doesn't flow like before? yesterday she said very beautiful things to me, she described "the feeling that she has when she is talking with me", i appreciate her and her love to much (i don't know if in a romantic way), but it's like even if i meet someone who i would fell crazily in love years ago it's impossible to feel something romantic for someone and i don't know how can i improve that (even if she's not the person that i end up loving), i just want to fix the broke mechanism inside my heart.
The other problem is that her feelings started to grow very quickly these days and he loves me a lot and i don't want to hurt her, i told her what's the problem and what i feel but i may keep her ilusionate with my affection; i don't know what's inside my mind (at least is not the same kind of "passionate" love that i felt in the past) but in kinda confused and i don't know what i have to do and how can i "recover myself" from that "emptiness", in both emotional levels, romantic and with other people.
Even if my life is improving and i feel more happier than years ago, it's difficult for me to recognise my feelings for others, and i feel alone in that kind of "disconnection" with other people, the romantic feelings was the last strong emotions that i kept inside my heart, but know even that feel disappeared.
I don't know....i just know that thinking of her suffering for love makes me anxious and suffer as well and that i just want her to be truly happy