/vent/ #28

Let it all out. Crying Kobeni edition. Previous >>46000

I'll start. I'm dead inside. I just realized listening to someone's uneducated opinion on the internet made me waste 2 years of my life and the opportunity to study on a prestigious field of study instead of the unambitious one. DON'T listen to uneducated opinions of uneducated people.

Every day I keep searching the internet in the vain hope that I'll find the one piece of advice that will make me stop being lonely and suicidal. I'm yet to find anything. Is this just my life now?

>>48494 Failing path A doesn't mean path B is correct. Educated people are morons too - i had a bio prof who believed in homeopathy. End of the day you always have to do quality control and think yourself instead of blindly believing others.

>>48501 >Every day I keep searching the internet in the vain hope that I'll find the one piece of advice that will make me stop being lonely and suicidal. Well lainanon, while probably not an answer by any stretch I like to dream about a better future and what might be done to get there. Gets me going. I'm rarely so much down that I feel suicidal though, even though I was in a place where it finally hit me how someone might be willing to end his life, so I understand you. Would you like to say more about your issues? Just remember you don't have to if you feel uncomfortable.

>>48501 sam harris - waking up

Lain, I may be gay. I'm still confused. I've never considered this to be the case, but I realized a few things recently. The majority of my horny/wet dreams involve men. The sole thought of being involved with another man makes my heart throb violently and excites me, while women cause no such reaction, a half-hearted half-chub at best. I find male genitals to be much more appealing than female genitals. None of my relationships with girls were that fulfilling and I often felt the need to feign attraction and force interest. That said, masculine features aren't particularly appealing to me, I wouldn't actually date or bed a guy, and, all excitement aside, prostate stimulation isn't that amazing, the risk of STDs and physical complications isn't that great either. I wonder if I'm just bored with women and am excited about gay relationships because of the taboo aspect of homosexuality.

>>48494 You failed to become educated because you followed uneducated advice. I shall not follow your advice, moron, and listen to morons instead. >>48501 You are lonely and suicidal because you spend so much time on the internet. Get offline and be bored offline until you get fixed.

>>48508 My life has more or less been on standstill for a little over 2 years. I didn't push anyone away, but I guess people just forgot about me once they moved on to other things. Saw a few therapists but their only advice was to hope things get better. >>48517 Maybe, but it's not like there's much offline I can do where I live. I was unable to find any group activities even before covid, let alone ones that interested me. I suspect that'll change a lot once I start grad school, but that's still a couple of months away and doesn't really reconcile the fact that most people know (knew) me as "the guy that makes them laugh" with no desire to form deeper connections than that.

>>48503 >>48517 I didn't actually mean uneducated by saying uneducated. I mean uneducated in that matter. The person I took the advice of has indeed graduated but their opinion was based on what they had on a weak university.

>>48503 Also >i had a bio prof who believed in homeopathy Let me guess - he was a plant enjoyer? >Failing path A doesn't mean path B is correct. Path B is correct though - the field has better subjects I care about and which will help me realize my goal. To understand that I had to try path A but it was still a 80% failure. >>48516 That's pretty gay. >I wonder if I'm just bored with women I think hetero people don't get bored like that. >and am excited about gay relationships because of the taboo aspect of homosexuality. I'm not sure it works like that.

>>48547 Kinda but not in the way you imply. Research focused on plant biology but not into drugs. That aside i wasn't implying your preferred field was wrong but the idea that you can go to someone with whatever trophy and just blindly trust because of said trophy is wrong. Especially when a lot is riding on it you should do immense quality control.

I live in the US and I'm so unbelievably tired of the culture war here. It's turned literally every last person I know into some kind of weirdo. 90% of people here are either complete self-righteous wokies or trumpies. Nobody is just a normal human being anymore. I think it's only going to get worse

>>48551 >Kinda but not in the way you imply. I didn't imply anything. I guess I have autism and didn't notice. >Research focused on plant biology but not into drugs. That's exactly what I mean. I didn't imply any drugs. People liking plants for some reason also tend to like naturalism or even homeopathy. >but the idea that you can go to someone with whatever trophy and just blindly trust because of said trophy is wrong. I never implied that, I probably twisted the meaning of "educated/uneducated". Someone once said "educated opinion" somewhere on the internet but he didn't mean anything but "good and informative opinion", hence educated. This has nothing to do with having a scientific title and I didn't mean to insult people who don't have a degree. >>48552 We're with you, lainon. The entire world feels like this about the US. >>48501 I could try to help you but I can't come up with anything given your current attitude. Also remember the internet shows everything in a curved mirror, it magnifies the world's problems tenfold. Do you like anything? What are your problems? Why are you lonely, do you do anything about it? As the other lainon said in the other thread: "hope comes from you" or something like that. Do you have any dreams/hopes? Do you have any goals?

>>48556 Fair, i would say plant enjoyer has a heavy dude weed lmao tone but it might be cause im biased myself due to hearing too many weed jokes. As for the second - i think being a discussion on academia i simply correlated educated = degree given the context.

>>48518 >My life has more or less been on standstill for a little over 2 years. I didn't push anyone away, but I guess people just forgot about me once they moved on to other things. Saw a few therapists but their only advice was to hope things get better. Well, I can't fix that, but I have a mindset of reverse engineering things. So try picturing of where you want to be both on short and long term scale. Maybe write it on a board. Long term is like 3+ years, short term is every 2 or 3 months. Try thinking what you can do to move in that direction. Lots of people struggle in these time with loneliness though, myself included. If you can't find anyone close by to hang out with maybe try online. Not that's it's likely it will help, but I've found a girl from US who I see as my second sister by now. We talk each night because of the time difference and she makes me happy. The only soykafty thing is that I can't help her with anything. But oh well, try to find some people locally and maybe online if that doesn't work out.

Probably basic as fuarrrk and also schizo, but honestly I'm lonely. Not just in the sense that I don't have anyone I can talk with, but also if I even had someone I feel like the modern world is just inhuman. I don't even know where to find any sense of community or friendship. There are some nice people, even I think most people are nice, but in the end I wish I lived in a world where the idea of being left behind is frowned upon. Where no matter what happened we would know someone has your back.

i am down bad, no money, no job, and family members keep asking for money from me. i cannot say i do not have it cause they are down bad too, but i am down down bad bad. literally any kind of job is hard to get and it does not pay for soykaf, 95% do not even reply to applications.

I jerked off so much last night that I got a sore on my dick.

>>48568 Why do you stress if you're hopeless? Also just go homeless to save money.

Hi Lain, yesterday I went to a restaurant and when I got out a girl that was sitting in another table followed me and asked me if I could give her my Instagram or Facebook. I don't use them, so I told her, but I was somewhat blocked and didn't think about giving her my phone number, and she went away. I don't know why I am so hindered with girls, I can't even get someone's number when she comes to me... Anyway I got a little self-confidence boost, but still I'm angry with myself for being so clumsy.

>>48601 >didn't think about giving her my phone number Oh man, that is like kicking dead whales down the beach. If you're a "freak" without social media like me, then at least give people your phone number properly. She probably thought you don't like her. >Anyway I got a little self-confidence boost, but still I'm angry with myself for being so clumsy. You reminded me of that girl who seemed to liked me but I didn't give her my number. AAAA it hurts. Memorize your number and be ready next time if you're lucky enough for it to happen again.

>>48602 >seemed to liked *seemed to like me 5h of sleep is not enough to be into language

>>48602 >If you're a "freak" without social media like me, then at least give people your phone number properly. You are right, I hope I have learned the lesson. >She probably thought you don't like her. Well, it was the first time we met, we just exchanged some stares at the restaurant and then out of the blue she came and asked "Excuse me, can you give me your Instagram?". I was just very surprised because it had never happened before, and so I fuarrrked up. I hope I will be more ready next time.

Today my mother got diagnosed with leukemia. A few hours later she tried to sneak out of home to borrow money despite us not facing any economic issues. Things like that have been a staple in my life since I was a kid, but I never expected her to simply not care at all about pretty much being told that she's gonna die in the next couple years and say 'fuarrrk it I'll try to get a loan'. When the first lockdown happened she started hearing neighbors killing each other and just schizo stuff in general. She would get up at 1AM and try to knock on a neighbor's door to see if they killed somebody. I have the help of my sister, which I greatly appreciate. Wageslaving and taking care her is hell.

>>48605 What really is like kicking dead whales down the beach is that you very well may get stuck paying back her loan after she dies.

>>48606 Yeah, that's one of our fears. After what happened today I don't believe shocking events change people's ways. I'm not even angry at this point, I'm just sad that her last days will be like this.

I have to break up with my partner. Ive been needing to for awhile, I wont go into details, but today they asked me if I love them "not just platonically". I said yes but thats a lie, but it also isn't. They have never understood and I wish they could just how much platonic love means to me. It means more than anything to me. They think im staying with them out of pity sometimes, but that isn't true. Im staying with them because I know, because they have said, they can not see me as just a friend. I say the right things and stay because I treasure my friends and that includes them and do not want to lose one, and its not that I cant deal with losing them. I have and will again I know, that doesn't negate that it is hard. Especially someone youve spent two years very closely with. My hope, and I think they will, change their mind one day and we will be good friends. But it isnt easy to not just know I will go perhaps years without my good friend, but that they will not have me. Thats their choice, but I am invested in their growth and wellbeing and enjoy seeing them progress. And I want to be there if they ever need help, but I know for awhile at least they will not allow it. Its going to be very hard to express all this, I dont think i've ever loved them more than platonically but thats what made it a good relationship till recently. Itl be okay, but not easy.

Last time I spent about 15 minutes of thoughtfully writing a post right here and when I tried to send it, there was a red message saying "create a better post" without any clues to what I might have done wrong. I'd rather not waste my time again.

>>48672 This is totally anecdotal and may not apply but I've been on the other side of this sort of situation and what they never seemed to understand was how profoundly intolerable not being together romantically was for me. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced and the pain took years to subside, I think only because I can no longer remember what it felt like to be with them. After the breakup, interacting as 'friends', I was legitimately losing my mind and had to cut off contact so I wouldn't be just trapped forever emotionally in that awful place. The basic components of how I felt are still there, I don't think I could ever be friends with this person even though I don't really hold a grudge or blame them for anything. I thought after long enough maybe I could but it's been 7 years and I think the way I feel about it now is probably how I'll feel forever. Hope is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

the looks...the looks..the looks..they scare me, whenever i go outside..the same kind of looks..that feel like a mask more than a mask itself..i feel humiliation within me whenever i stare enough at these looks..

>>48571 That really is like kicking dead whales down the beach, but it will go away, when you gotta unload you gotta unload. >>48601 Lucky you got talked to, no chick ever did that, then again i never go out, too bad it didnt work out but atleast you got some validation. >>48605 That is like kicking dead whales down the beach, i hope she gets better and you dont end up having to pay up, just give her the support she needs then she might get trough it easier. >>48695 I feel ya, i had tons of long posts eaten up by the spam filter, but it fails at catching even simple spam. >>48705 Looks scare me too, but when i look into eyes of most people, i see either emptiness or a poor soul trapped in a body that is more like a prison screaming out in pain but still too scared to escape. Not gonna rant too much, but i feel lonely yet i cant connect with people, the life they live seems appealing, but i know its hollow and its so hard to find people that do more than just follow the script.

fuarrrk me, but with a 3. That is, fuarrrk m3

>>48493 I have no hope for this world anymore. The political power grabs by the elite, the increasing psychopathy of the people, and this feeling that the world is about to end slowly and painfully with nothing I can do to prevent it is driving me insane.

>>48781 Yeah, it looks like that. I want to survive regardless. If you can't save the world, at least save yourself. I want both my immortality and post-apocalyptic shelter. I know, I know, I'm still too optimistic for a pessimist.

The last Evangelion movie is out, so I did that 1-2-3-4 rewatch/watch I was planning to do for a while. This show used to impress me when I was 14, which was before the whole rebuild thing. It had its moments but was kinda botched. Perhaps we'll get an End of Rebuild of Evangelion or something in 2025? Either way it dragged out some old feelings, and the fact that they never really got resolved, just snowballed into larger versions of themselves. I also realized that anime which attempt to give an artistic account on how life works/what life is and try to be meaningful in some way make me sad not because of the meaning they impart or its depth, but because of the eventual "all is well in the world" vibe at the end that doesn't reflect my situation sitting in that chair with nobody familiar or wanted to share the experience with. Spare me your pitiful vent-thread "kindness" btw, it's annoying. >hurr durr eva is like kicking dead whales down the beach It's not worse than SEL, both are <8/10

>>48813 > the eventual "all is well in the world" vibe at the end that doesn't reflect my situation sitting in that chair with nobody familiar or wanted to share the experience with. Astounding work, lainon! You are beginning to come to grasp with the soykafty situation we're faced with under the spectacle. Embrace suffering and you will discover what life is truly about! Ad astra, my friend!

>>48814 I already had the "Lovecraftian/Bloodborne/WTC + struggle for its own sake + ancient skeptic epistemology + seek truth and murder all illusions and feelings unconditionally for it" phase years ago. Completed it with finding the word that truth is just a double of. The result doesn't kill you, you're alive the day after, and the day after, and then the life you deferred for truth creeps back in, without illusions left to cover the missed trains and decades of flaws that truth shows but won't fix.

going to sleep and not waking up for a few years sounds very pleasant I must say. >mfw the banner is a computer screen that says WAKE UP!

my turn i'm gradually turning into a fuarrrking weirdo i'm starting to have difficulty to cope with the fact that i'll never have a chance with the cute girls i see on social media need halp before the non-return point

>>48493 Apparently I always seem disinterested in conversations because I do no use eye contact. And I mean *zero*, thanks autism. For my feeble attempts at finding a partner, I think incorporating at least some eye contact would be a good idea. How much eye contact do neurotypical people make? Percentage-wise, how much 1-on-1-conversation time is spent looking in their eyes? And should I look while they're talking to signal I am listening or while I talk to signal I am talking to YOU right now? And are there any "rules" I need to know, when is it inappropriate? I'm sorry to ask here, the articles always talk about teaching kids and help for parents. fuarrrking useless for someone who got diagnosed after 18.

>>48862 >For my feeble attempts at finding a partner, I think incorporating at least some eye contact would be a good idea. I never look too much or at all in the eyes of a girl I like. >How much eye contact do neurotypical people make? 50/50 or 60/40 if it is a casual conversation outdoors, 90/10 if you're talking to your boss. But that might be wrong, I also probably have autism. >And should I look while they're talking to signal I am listening or while I talk to signal I am talking to YOU right now? No idea, I'm too autistic to know that. It just happens. >And are there any "rules" I need to know, when is it inappropriate? Don't look too much (100% of the time) because that means hostility, at least for gorillas, but we're primates too. There are cultures when looking at someone's eyes means being aggressive (Nigeria I believe).

>>48862 If you are uncomfortable looking at the eyes look in-between. At reasonable distance no one can tell the difference.

>>48862 Eye contact is uncomfortable for everyone, but it's also needed to show that you're fully engaged in the conversation. You could alternate between short intervals of eye contact and then looking elsewhere. Maybe 10 seconds of eye contact then 20 sec of resting. Wether you're the one talking or not doesn't make a difference. Also use eye contact during the important parts of someone speech to show that you are paying attention. For example : "... Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer" or "... Here be very careful not to ...". >>48835 Cute girls on social medias don't exist in the real world, they are only personas. For the weirdo part, just take a 2 week break from internet.

>>48863 >>48864 >>48865 Thanks for the advice lainons. I really appreciate it.

Just came home and I'm reminded yet again why I quit this job, I only temporarily went back due to them calling me and they had such a shortage of personnel. The rasping uneven breathing of someone close to death with aspiratory issues is something I just can't get used to, I hate being on deathwatch. I enjoyed being a mortician assistant a lot more than this. But it really makes you think about life and it all, when you sit next to someone dying for hours.

I am just going to rant a bit. I am not a normal person. I remember my primary school days. Le quiet intelligent cute boy, doing and saying very little. Apparently this actually appealed to some girls, presumably because they could form whatever image they want of me in their heads as they never saw me take strong action. I remember when I was in 7th grade, after school some bitch nigga kicked me, so I punched him in the face and he just dropped and went to cry to the teachers. They then prompty scolded me for defending myself. A little while later I heard the same girls say how they couldn't believe I would hit someone as I was a top student and everything. I fail to see how that relates, but the thought processes of the normal user never made sense to me. A teacher remarked the next day that some of my friends were a bad influence on me. Again that makes no sense to me. I would much rather be pissed off than pissed on. I then went on to highschool where I started appreciating my personal freedom a lot. I made friends with quite a variety of people. And this was the first time I encountered a very specific type of normal user. Whenever I entered into an existing friendgroup, there was always this one person, who appeared to have some completely unfounded hate or jealousy towards me. It would seem that they idolize someone in their friendgroup and can't handle the fact that the person treats me as their equal. They would constantly try to find ways to compare me to the specific person. Whenever I had discussions with them, they would appeal to that friend to try and discredit my arguments, as if that friend was an authority on any subject. Disgusting. I spent a reasonable amount of my early highschool years with the "smart kids" and met a few very interesting people. This was where I first learned how little issue normal users have lying to my face. I somewhat naturally drifted apart from the group, only to learn later they started actively avoiding me. Now while there were a few good people in the group, that were not much involved with the decision - it was mostly 2 people who grew to dislike me - it still leaves a very bad taste in my mouth that anyone of them would then continue to pretend to be my friend. But we grew apart anyways, they were the typical rich white suburban kids whose parents had high expectations of them and paid for soykaf like gymnastics, swimming, judo, after school classes etc (these are rather expensive activities in my country). I became very good friends with one of the few truly open-minded people I have met. I somewhat enjoyed the rest of my highschool days with my good friend and the friends I made through him, but even amongst those, it was very clear that I could not be close friends with most of them. They expect me to be normal. It frustrates them when I am not normal, when I don't participate in meaningless chit chat, when I voice strong opinions, when I show strong emotion, etc. I will also briefly talk about my highschool teachers, because I found them interesting. I strongly appreciate exactly 3 of them, because they respected me and didn't go out of their way to fuarrrk with me. The rest can suck on my balls. One specifically had something against me and my friend. We were both absent somewhat frequently in the final year for unrelated matters. The dumb bitch (math teacher) interpreted this as we were bunking school together. One day in math class after we were both absent the previous day, she was going over the homework. It was an introduction to differentiation and we had to calculate the derivatives of a bunch of simple polynomials for homework. So I did the homework exercises in class while she was discussing it with the class. This upset her greatly, because apparently I know nothing since I didn't attend class and therefore can't possibly have anything to write in my book. That is what she shouted at me at least. Just how important does this bitch think she is? I don't need her. Never did. Is that why she is upset? Is it because she doesn't have control over me? She was also one of the few teachers that would inspect students' nails, hair and beards in the mornings. Did she become a teacher for the sole reason of feeling in control? Did she start teaching math, because it is traditionally seen as a difficult subject and therefore it demands respect from her students? This is the impression I have on her. That was also the last time in my life I slept on the opportunity to call someone out on their bullshit. So the end of highschool arrived and it was time for the farewell dance event thing. Now I had almost no interaction with female students so of course I would have no one to go with. On top of that the school of course charged money for it and required you to go in formal clothing. I decided not to go. The same math teacher then approached me and asked if I am not going because of financial trouble and offered to help. I told her I didn't want to go. She said something like making highschool memories to look back on. I told her I hope I do not ever find myself in a place where I would be looking back on highschool. (lol what a clown I am) Funny sidestory about the female students: it was in life sciences class (basically biology) we were learning about evolution. Now my country is predominantly christian and a lot of these people consider evolution to be haram. So after some "healthy debate" about evolution and god and creation, two of the female students started crying, because we were all sinners. fuarrrking normal users man. Coincidentally my younger sister had a similar reaction when she discussed evolution with me. She had learned about it in school and approached me about it. I have gone through great lenghts to try and explain how the bible is not incompatible with evolution, but again she was not looking for my insight, she was looking for my validation, and when I didn't give her what she wanted, she cried. Disgusting. It was around this time in my life that I had started realizing how ridiculously powerful and common propaganda is amongst the normal users (I include the typical social media and *chan user). I went on to university with 3 of my good friends. The rona made uni financially impossible for one of them (I am studying on a gov grant), another got more interested in smoking grass than attending class. (My dad once proposed this theory to me that parents should not be needlessly restrictive with their children. He compared children to a spring, where the more you compress them, the further away they will shoot when the time comes to let go. Coincidentally? said friend had /extremely/ controlling parents.) The last friend failed a year. The whole rant has lead to this point. For the past year, I have been almost entirely alone at uni. I greet the security lady at the gate, go to class, do not speak a word until I get home again. Occasionally I visit my friends. This is all interaction I have with my peers. I have become incredibly afraid of talking to people that I do not know. In my experience I am incompatible with the vast majority of normal users. But I still feel the need to have social interaction, to love and be loved, to feel validated. But I am so fuarrrking scared. The few times I talked to strangers I would start to dissociate with how scared I am. Spending this much time alone on the internet and in complete silence is killing me. I need to fix this. Maybe I typed out the earlier part of this rant only to justify my fear. I live so fuarrrking far from everything too, there is maybe 2 people my age in a 15km radius from where I live. I do not know what I should do. I have no intention of seeing a therapist about this. If i can find it in myself to speak to a therapist about my feelings and problems, I can definitely find it in myself to speak to my classmates about less personal things. I almost accidentally made a friend twice through uni group assignments, but everytime my complete inability to entertain the normal user (read: reasonably well-adjusted person, that is not fuarrrked in the head) has stopped it in it tracks. I have a tiny dream in the future, that when I am in postgrad classes or in an army barracks that I would get forced to be normal through small scale interaction and be able to lead a relatively normal life with my psychological needs fulfilled. >tl:dr >tfwnogf >i am too far gone

>>48921 I read everything you wrote and I'm not sure what to say because there's too much of it. You're similar to me, I'm going to study biotechnology now. The difference is that I've never had a teacher that supported me and that I respected. I have one good friend but people but her are mostly uninterested in my stuff. Girls like me, but they're mostly normal people. I'm also lonely, probably because I rarely participate in normal stuff like attending parties or drinking beer. I had one childhood friend who was really interested in nature, biology and science but later he started taking drugs, attending parties and became a gaymer norman. I think people lose hope and interest in life as they go forward. I haven't lost this curiosity. >crying over evolution Kek, the truth hurts. Normans are simple people, they need stability and simplicity in their lives, which the theory of evolution does not provide. They fear change and lack of purpose. Their brain glitches on the idea that the world is changing and is extremely old compared to their short and meaningless lives. They fear the idea that they're not the final product and the world around them is the effect of randomness rather than creative design. If you have any questions or want me to comment a particular part of your post, feel free to do so. I just don't want to read the whole wall of unformatted text again.

>>48921 if you have time to burn unironically might try vrchat or mmos for social interaction without leaving home. Its not ideal but it works for some. (dont do it if you get easily addicted)

>>48921 I can relate somewhat, people like that typically have it worse socially as life goes on. In high school you were forced to mingle with others often so you still had a decent friend group, in uni your circle was less 'fixed' so it got smaller, and once you're in the working world it will be even more alienating. I haven't found a solution myself, get to used to loneliness or an hero trying I suppose. >>48926 >They fear change and lack of purpose. They want there to be a set of rules for life which correspond to a set of outcomes/rewards, which gives them a sense of security. Uncertainty and randomness do scare normalf/\gs.

>>48517 >I shall not follow your advice, moron, and listen to morons instead. Hail yea. Education is so clearly overvalued that it's getting ridiculous at this point. Why do people still think that it's worth it after so much extremely clear institutional rot and devaluing due to overproduction? At this point it's just an indicator of a person not being able to think for themselves.

I am really worried about the future. There is going to be some big changes soon. My shoulders hurt.

>>48926 >Normans are simple people, they need stability and simplicity in their lives, which the theory of evolution does not provide. >They fear change and lack of purpose. Their brain glitches on the idea that the world is changing and is extremely old compared to their short and meaningless lives. >They fear the idea that they're not the final product and the world around them is the effect of randomness rather than creative design. You've got a lot of assumption going on over there, my lainon. Maybe go easy on the judgement-throttle, speak to people other than fundamentalist christians and you'd see that the greater portion of the so-called normals aren't "crying over evolution". Most people are simply put indifferent to that, to established world religions or to the "great questions of existence" in general. Theory of evolution actually does provide simplicity and stability. With evolution there is no need to ponder any great moral dilemmas, no room for great myths of the begínning of humanity, no higher arbiter of truth and justice to please or to answer to. There is only you, your species and the things that you "decide" to do with your life. It is the ultimate simplifier of hyman life right after the first ever hippie who told the people to do as someone else told them to, and, as a reward, you'll get into heaven.

>>48926 >I read everything you wrote and I'm not sure what to say because there's too much of it It's a rant/vent thread. Also tldr looollll

>>48501 Get a flip phone and block any IP on your network which you find yourself using for hours a day. Go talk to people. It will not make you less lonely for a while. You won't like them. Keep talking to them anyway. It's an acquired taste, and if you leave it alone too long you have to re-acquire it as well. Don't kill yourself. I had a failed attempt once upon a time. Worst mistake of my life.

>>48943 If you don't want people answer to a post, don't publish it. >>48941 Yeah, you're right. The theory of evolution provides a different kind of simplicity, which can be seen after getting some biology knowledge. It's not the kind of simplicity religious people seek though: for them it's easier to think "God did that" rather than "complicated forms can emerge spontaneously from simple forms in the process of natural selection given their different fitness and the ability to pass their traits to derived organisms". >>48933 >They want there to be a set of rules for life which correspond to a set of outcomes/rewards, which gives them a sense of security. Uncertainty and randomness do scare normalf/\gs. Exactly.

>>48926 > Normans are simple people, they need stability and simplicity in their lives, which the theory of evolution does not provide. They fear change and lack of purpose. Their brain glitches on the idea that the world is changing and is extremely old compared to their short and meaningless lives. Hey, edgelord. I think they they just are in a bad place all things considered and seeing the zeitgeist today is essentially that it's scientific proven that You will eat bugs You will own nothing You will die looking dried up like a raisin because climate change and most of all, you can do nothing about it I don't find it surprising. At part because it's not scientific in the sense these are modern stories to justify the state of things, in the same way in the past you had higher up in the church who talked directly with god. Today you have science justifying the sad state of the world. You certainly had excitement for science in the past. It told us wonderful things and insights that applied on the other side of the galaxy. Just think about this, in the 60s, 70s and so on you could witness people going to places that so far we only been able to glance during the night. Last two decades we had google build a surveillance state that makes KGB look like a toy, you have people telling that the planet will die and no one can do anything about it, and computers will displace all of our labor and we'll essentially be worthless. I can completely understand people turning to religion in such cases. There's a point in the sentence that "religion is the opium of the masses". I'm not religious, but I hate the modern dogma too. Most in places that deal with human behavior be it in evolutionary psychology or economics. It kinda makes me wonder if humans wrote it because it's written as if by a machine who tried to imprint their own logic onto humans. The most fun thing for me is that I've yet to see a happy person who lives like that. For instance not picking a life partner because you relate to him/her and you see yourself in her but because you think coldly and "rationally" about making sure you pass your genes. One might have thought that humans are one of the rare animals on this earth who can reason about their actions and make judgement on that instead of living life on autopilot 24/7...

>>48960 I will eat bugs (that I forage in the woods, along with nuts and berries) I will own nothing (that I do not make out of wood and stone and deer skins) I will live in the pod (a cabin in Montana from which I will mail several packages)

>>48962 Eh, while you can go the anprim route, the issue isn't technology itself. It's how it's used. The same algorithms that powers facebook's skinner's box also can detect cancer in patients that might have slipped by a human eye. I like technology, it can make our lives comfortable by freeing us from bullshit work, giving us health, make us see places we weren't able to before. But it has to be put in good use.

so I have two "partners", do not need to hear someone telling me about how that never works out. don't care, not what this post was about. Im thinking of breaking up with both of them simultaneously. The reason to break up with one is obvious and just trust me on that we simply aren't good fit. The other im just thinking about today, and what spurred it I think is kind of not reasonable. Its that they asked me to come over and I said I would need to wait till tommorow for money to transfer to pay for the trip back. She took this to mean I needed money from them if I was gonna come over, when I was actually asking if I would be able to stay the night. Her last ex made her pay for a ton of things under promise it would be 50/50 or he would pay back, so its reasonable shed be suspicious of this. However she brought this up, and even though I know its a reasonable thing for her to be suspicious of I sort of was like, im not even gonna explain what I meant and just said "All good, yeah maybe next weekend or something". We actually are old friends and last time we stopped talking it was a similar misunderstanding. My thinking is that "well this is just gonna keep happening and im gonna have to always be defending myself because of misunderstandings". Even though with my other longer term partner I have to do this all the time for less reasonable reasons. But I was thinking see, so everyone likes that partner I mentioned who I had the recent misunderstanding with. Everyone hates my partner ive had for longer. So if I left newer partner and stayed with older one id dissapoint so many of my friends and even my mom because they all think new girl is great and prettier and fantastic and when I told them all I was thinking about leaving old partner for new one they all were super on board. If I leave old partner though and stay with new one, old partner is gonna be a mess and think I left them cause I found someone prettier. And I love both of them on like a person level, I want them both to be okay. So my thinking is I leave both, and no one feels like I "blew it" with this more recent partner and my older partner also had to accept I was just done and wasnt leaving them for anyone. In addition, I have had no time for good friend who recently had extopic pregnancy and had to have it removed. Ive helped them out financially, but have not "been there" for them. I leave both partners, and big increase in time I have to spend with my good friend who ive known for longer than both of them and is always there gor me. Plus I have more time to spend with myself, and more money to spend on things I enjoy instead of transportation to their places and back. I think its a genius triple if not quadruple win, but I also think maybe im giving up good potential relationship with this person for the sake of less stress and comfort. And I dont want that to be the actual reason.

>>48960 Not reading your schizo post, go back to 4chan.

>>48493 Man, I don't even know anymore. My mind is rushing lately but I found out why I have trouble making friends. It's because lot of people aren't hurt. I realized I enjoy the company of low lives because it feels at home. They understand me because they too are messed up. I just am afraid I won't find other people where I'll feel at home with. It's not easy finding someone you can connect with, and it's even harder for me. I am also losing contact with a friend who felt like the only person who understood me. And it hurts. I'll go on, I've been through worse, I'm even privileged to be able to cry about such bullshit, but still, losing something that important to me hurts. >>48781 >and painfully with nothing I can do to prevent it is driving me insane. You can. I don't know what happened in last few years that made pessimism and fatalism so commonplace. I feel like people forgot you can take control of your life. It's not easy, but it's possible.

This meme got me thinking. Shame is a really strong emotion. After getting caught masturbating, I was filled with this sensation all over my body, a hard cringe, and while it did not feel good, I think it was for the better. I've stopped masturbating and consuming porn for 2 years now, and I'm in such a better spot. While I think it's not the sole reason for things getting better, shame and cringe helped me a lot. Sure, like anything in life in excess it's awful, especially when it's unnecessary. But you should feel ashamed for certain things. It really makes you repulse them, which helps a lot to get out of things that harm you, for example.

>>49028 i believe you interpret it quite different to the authors intent given the context of pepe and where it comes from. Shame is not cringe, you can be ashamed by your own judgement. Cringe is meme shaming aka what other people tell you to stop behaviour. So the meme is another "dont be a npc" take rejecting normal people opinion telling pepe to become normal.

>>49028 >>49029 I agree that's different from how I interpreted too, but I like that interpretation. Kill the part of you that causes yourself to cringe, but specifically the part that you yourself finds offensive and unpalatable. Not just what other people tell you is not socially acceptable. Shame can be an undeserved burden, but it can also be a source of good as well. One has to interrogate the shame and find its source.

>>48701 Id say, as poster your replying to, that this "used to be me" but I dont think it is truly. Also thank you for this post, I expected nothing good or at least just weird assumptions. But hearing someone speaking from other side of similar situation is better than I could have hoped. What your describing is literally my first partner. When I told them I was seeing someone else, despite us being open and them doing the same in past (they had stopped though however not by any agreement they just did), we broke up. I kept telling them im still here and we can still talk, but they said exactly what your saying. We got back together on shaky conditions of I never mention the other person. I said I relate but think maybe I dont is I have felt like that but it lasted only a year tops, so the fact that its seven years for you makes me think maybe i experienced just a baby version of it. Il say some stuff in hopes it provides insight into your dilemna by maybe giving you a window into their psyche (obviously im not them but we do seem to be in reversed situations). To me romantic attraction is a feeling that always fades, I dont put a lot into the warm fuzzies and security and safety and I actually these days dont feel like "everything is okay" when im with someone ever. Im not sure if thats good or bad, but no one really can make me feel that perma secure comfy feeling like I used to get when obsessed with someone. So to me love needs to be bigger then that, there needs to be something solid beyond romantic attraction and the love based around that, because it comes and goes. And that can still be had with friends even, when I say I want to just be friends with someone I was seeing its not like me putting them as less important to me or anything. Its like a desire of my own, just like yours might be to be more intimate, where I think the person is great and we work good together but im not feeling anything anymore when it comes to sex, kissing, cuddling, any of that. Often its starting to feel suffocating. This may still sound awful to you or like "i mean I know thats whats happening" but the thing is like I said earlier I myself dont place any of those things as particularly important. I often can feel like I love my friends more than my partners, because say in this case I dont feel like my partner actually knows me very well or deeply they just like how they feel with me. Its like im just a high to them. And it saddens me too because I know they spend the time we are apart not focused on themselves but thinking about when il be around again so they can feel safe and secure and loved. And I hate that, I feel like im hurting them because of that, and what I want is to be friends so we can uplift eachother but like you that idea is crushing to them because of how much value they assign to romantic type love. And I dont, and thats why I dont see a problem switching to friends and have never been upset when someone wants to with me (in fact im relieved sometimes). But I understand that feeling of loss upon losing the romantic element is incredibly strong such as for you as you say, and I know that cant just change instantly. But maybe what im saying here can convince you it being this huge loss isnt the nature of the universe, its likely not that for the other person and they werent intending to put you through that. And they likely still did love you and wanted almost as much as you wanted the romance to be friends still after. I know this looks very weird and I hope it doesnt come off like that im like blending our relationship experience here and almost talking to you as if I was YOUR partner. I just maybe dont know to the same intensity but I do know the feeling your describing and I hate that people feel like that because it is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I dont think people are stupid or wrong for feeling like that, I just wish say you or my partner wouldnt and would feel comforted knowing the other person can still be a great part of your life and loves you. And that that isnt just words and its real and its not trying to like soften the blow or a sign the relationship is falling apart or that your losing them, its just changing to its eventual destination. One thing I will say thats kind of scoldy (but not meant to be) is I hope you know that the people who did want to be just friends did not cut off their relationship with you, you did with them. People say the whole love them let them go thing and its true but sometimes the other person is still right there and I feel like if you really loved them and not just the feeling of being with them youd be willing to put aside bad feels to still be in eachothers life and move past it. Like a you love them enough to not need to feel like their entire life is dedicated to you and bice versa in order to still enjoy spending time with them and grow with them. I hope this doesnt come off as angry or condescending its just frustration because of how close what your describing hits home.

god im so addicted to the Wired, Lain. I have been reducing what sites I use and such, but I always find a reason to connect. I've been collecting some old computers and I am am hoping to move to them totally and leave the Wired behind for good. I am a NEET anyway so its not like I have any reason to stay online for my "job" or whatever. Really, I just need a 486 or Pentium laptop for text editing and a decent-ish compiler (maybe through freeDOS?). I have a Tandy 1000sx for 16-bit desktop and I'm hoping to get iether a Coco or C64 for a 8 bit programming. Now thats punk! I love you Lain!

i havent felt sad or defeated for 2 years, today I do. I almost miss it, even though it makes me destroy everything it feels like via destroying myself. Il destroy relationships, il destroy my body, il destroy my security. But thats me, it feels like ive been waiting for me to return begrudgingly. His arms are open and hes looking smugly at me now, and im shaking my head but allowing him to pass and hugging him on his way here. The good of him is that hes more exciting, more fun, more drama which always has some good with the expected bad. I know people will say "it feels like the old you is back" happily, forgetting how much bad the old me brought. Everyones said of me now, or expressed, that i seem more mature but hand in hand I seem apathetic. Or I seem like im holding back, or that they cant ever tell whats going on in my head anymore. I rarely talk about what im thinking or feeling unless its in relation to something im told. Ive been treating every interaction as therapy session, where any of my opinions are to be seen as simply an outside perspective for the person. Whats worse? Now, where I stay muted and stable, making sure no one worries about me, making sure its the other way around, and that im someone they can always reach out to assistance for. Whos so together and calm and stable that im the first person they reach out to, for im always available. Or whats coming, where I feel able to express myself always, who does not see being messy as end of the world, but who consequently causes a lot of difficulty for others and a lot of suffering to myself. Who no longer is the therapist for others but the one always looking for peace in others words.

>>48921 > I have gone through great lenghts to try and explain how the bible is not incompatible with evolution, but again she was not looking for my insight, ... Yes, the Bible is compatible with the evolution to a great extent. Christian is compatible with modern science much more than other religions. And there is another problem: evolution theory CAN NOT explain everything. We all been taught the evolution is absolutely right in school/university, but maybe it is not. There are some arguments about that considering the interpretation of DNA structure. I recommend book: Darwin's Doubt: The Explosive Origin of Animal Life (by Stephen C. Meyer) I'm not saying evolution is not correct. I just mean that maybe it is not "absolute".

>>49041 >Yes, the Bible is compatible with the evolution to a great extent. It is only if you don't read the Bible literally, meaning it can be compatible with anything that way. >Christian is compatible with modern science much more than other religions. Of course that's what a christian would say, asking people of different religions is going to give different results. >evolution theory CAN NOT explain everything And that's where you're wrong because you don't understand what a scientific theory is. Not everything everything but the theory of evolution is the base theory of the whole biology and can explain everything from basic inorganic molecules up to whole organisms and biosphere. >We all been taught the evolution is absolutely right in school/university, but maybe it is not. You would have to provide an example that would disprove the theory, which you cannot do. >There are some arguments about that considering the interpretation of DNA structure. Creationists like to look at complicated things and explain their existence by God where their thinking fails to explain. DNA is nothing special. It's a polymer made of sugar, phosphate and nucleobases. It isn't even perfect because it is prone to deamination, alkilation and oxidation (mutations). Nucleobases and sugars can emerge spontaneously in prebiotic conditions as proven by Miller–Urey experiment and similar. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miller%E2%80%93Urey_experiment

Screwed up a little in university, but it's for the better. I think I've learned a few things about myself and about how to navigate life. How bad is it if I'll be graduating from my bachelor's (comp sci) at 26 if I wish to pursue further education? (e.g. get a master's and maybe go on to a doctorate if I turn out to be capable of that route and want it)

>>49046 > It is only if you don't read the Bible literally, meaning it can be compatible with anything that way. Yes that is exactly how I, and even some (non-orthodox) christians, interpret the Bible. > Of course that's what a christian would say, asking people of different religions is going to give different results. I am not a christian. I am just interested in it, and I've studied many different religions but only Judeo-Christian religion did it well. > DNA is nothing special. It's a polymer made of sugar, phosphate and nucleobases. It isn't even perfect because it is prone to deamination, alkilation and oxidation (mutations). I disagree. The essence of DNA is NOT the substances that compose it. It is the information stored, in other words, the permutation and combination of Adenine, Thymine, Guanine and Cytosine. If you do not have a scientific method to prove this information was created by the evolution then you can not say the evolution fully explains the creation of life. I am not saying that evolution theory is wrong. I only mean that there are still disagreements in the scientific community. So, just provided some information about this disagreement. > You would have to provide an example that would disprove the theory, which you cannot do. But firstly you should have sufficient proofs to show that the theory is at least reasonable. I am not saying it does not has proofs, but they are challenged by some new discoveries. See the book recommended.

I don't like myself and I'm not passionate about anything and I often feel like I'm talking to NPCs. I can't help but compare myself to those I see are better than me in some way, whether that be in intelligence, socially or creatively. I'm 25 and I'm scared that it will be like this forever

I swear, our lifespan should be at most 20, that way we'd actually live a more mindful life, we wouldn't work as hard, and we would try to enjoy those 20 years as much as we can. We shouldn't be given such a long lifespan, we only fuarrrk things up and cause suffering all around us. There's no need for us to live this long.

>>49070 You would be hard stuck in medieval times cause nobody has time to learn advanced soykaf.

I exist in constant alternation between various forms of stress. Fear, disgust, frustration, self disappointment, boredom, tenseness. Existence is an endless attempt to make it as tolerable as possible. I exert all my resources making it through the day intact, and I live the most stress-free, obligation-free life possible at this point in time. I blindly flail my way through anything beyond the simplest conversations. Everyone is playing 4D chess and I'm playing checkers and losing even then. It took me a week to post on a vent thread. That's telling itself. Sorry for the wall of angst stupidity. I have a txt that goes like this, on and on.

I'm so goddamn sick of covid. Not because it directly impacts my life much anymore but because the constant discussions about vaccines and masks just don't seem to end. Everyone (both irl and on the internet) has become an armchair biologist over the past year and they always need to bring up how their stance is the right one. I don't care what the vaccine effectiveness rate is, or what the potential side effects are, or what country just went back into lockdown, or which states are imposing mask mandates. I just want everyone to shut up already and talk about something else for the first time in almost 2 years.

I'm leaving the internet but for watching anime, listening to music and learning. Participating in most online "communities" is a tiring waste of time.

>Schizophrenia >Paranoia >BPD How the fuarrrk am I supposed to live like this? This isn't fuarrrking fair, why was I born to suffer?

>>49399 How can you have both Paranoid Schizophrenia and BPD? The Schizophrenia is the reason behind the personality disorder symptoms, you can't have both.

>>49400 (not him) I guess some countries have different branches of psychiatric sectors observing the population (the private and the state). Sometimes private clinics diagnostic set off crucially different diagnoses than a state and if an one has a very mosaic mentally illness symptoms he's can have such mental illness combinations.(I'm have sch and bpd too) It's more likely if diagnosing was conducted in the poor countries with state owned medicine within competing private sector.

>>49399 mental/personality disorders are a diagnosis of symptoms, not pathology, remember that.

>>49359 I was supposed to leave but I realized I have no one to talk to and nowhere to go. I guess I'm stuck with you...

>>49399 >This isn't fuarrrking fair, why was I born to suffer? Depends on what do you believe in. I would say that you're just a small part of a bigger process - the process of evolution. This way, assuming you're just an error - a mutation, we can safely avoid speaking about "fairness" because it just doesn't exist. A problem emerges if you're religious, then you can ask a local rabbi. https://youtu.be/OH9PfiR38wo?t=403

>>49432 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkq-Fd9TU8k

>>49432 it's been solved by people who are alive today, surely it also has been in the past. just caked over times many. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMDql8larzI

i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care you dont care noone care stop fuarrrking stop i dont care fuarrrk just let me die or something i dont care about this fuarrrking boring soykaf fuarrrk soykaf all the same fuarrrking thing every single day in and out literally the same thing every day no change i am dying i dont care why cant it just be sooner why must i be this bored i dont care i dont want to know the answer to that anyways i dont care i dont care make it stop fuarrrk haha people love me so much i am so stable and predictable what is not to love i always do the same thing there is nothing in my life that you can't see in a day i dont care i dont care i dont care about you i dont care about what you want from me i am not a slave am i i dont care i know i am there is no use in pretending i am not or knowing that i am there is just no use until i change anyways i dont care i dont care i wont change waiting to die i dont care how long it takes i will die eventually i dont care what happens until then or after then i dont care

I was repeatedly very c|amped, and am always trying to unclamp. Recently I've realized my childhood must have been so cold and painful that I never developed the ability to discern painful from not. I am looking back on several events that should have been traumatic but left me basically unphased, superficially. Though in truth underneath they were a repetition of prior traumas which pushed me even deeper into my distrust and rejection of other people and the outside world. I basically see the entire world as trying to lure me in to harm me, trying to give me enough rope to hang myself, and toying with me like a cat with a mouse. This suspicion was repeatedly confirmed and now I see everything that way.

Every day is spent trying to distract myself from negative and intrusive thoughts. It works, I do feel happier on average, but I wonder if this is my life now.

Getting older. Receding hair line, but I'm not too upset about it. Wrinkles kicking in. At least I haven't smoked a cigarette for almost a week. Still vaping. I wish I could accept my body. I should learn to accept it by now. All that's left to do is accumulate wealth and try to stay in shape. Been depressed lately

I fuarrrking hate this joke that we call free speech nowadays, it's just a made up bullshit thing. Granted I'm not talking about free speech as a law, but just free speech as a concept. A lot of people might just call it being intolerant of intolerance and an obsession with open mindedness but I don't know what else to call it. I'm just so sick of this black and white perspective that people have adopted nowadays, whether it be their taste in something, politics, or whatever. Everyone just feels so fiercely tribalistic and radical and are just obsessed with whatever ideology or opinion or idea that they have. People just latch onto these lifestyle brands and live as walking caricatures. I'm so sick of politics, I am just so sick of all of it. I'm so sick of the constant fighting and negativity and just bullshit from both sides. fuarrrking every god damn place on the internet is the fuarrrking same, same soykaf different URL. They'll lure you in with unrealistic promises of free speech and being able to freely express yourself and whatever soykaf spiel comes out of their lying holes. However, when you're actually in there the fuarrrking end result is always the god damn same, they're all close minded people unable to accept anything past whatever status quo they've created, and they froth at the mouth like rabid fuarrrking animals at whatever they've arbitrarily marked as the "enemy". I know how embarrassing this sounds but I just want peace. I'm tired of being forced to pick a side with everything, I'm tired of being punished for trying to practice some basic fuarrrking compassion and empathy, I'm tired of just not being allowed to spare a thought for the other side. I try to keep an open mind and try to be open to new things, but then I look around at a world that shuns and rejects change and calls for domination of a single ideology and I wonder why even bother. I want to be honest with myself and live the way I want to and do the things I want to, but I can't. Why can't we be more accepting? Why do we have to shout down the voices of others and smother dissent? Why do we have to extend this to entire lifestyle brands and the entire lives of other people? All this time passes by and we make so much progress but the only thing that doesn't change are us. I'm making a huge fuarrrking mistake venting, especially venting here of all places, but I just got sick and tired of bottling it all up Call me a centrist or woke or whatever stupid buzzword is making the rounds, I only wish I had people around me who would wholeheartedly listen to my problems so that I won't have to do it here in front of a writhing mass of internet strangers who all couldn't give any less of a soykaf God look at all of this stupid fuarrrking negativity, but day after day I find it harder to be positive about things. I've reached this weird fuarrrking point in my life where I'm just done with bias, and just wholeheartedly accept people and treat everyone equally regardless of whatever, but then I look at the way everyone else treats them and it just gets me down really badly. I understand it's a stupid fuarrrking thing I'm asking for "why can't everyone just get along :(" but is what we're living through now what we really want? God I probably sound like the biggest fuarrrking idiot ever, I'm probably fuarrrking crazy. There's a reason why positivity and all of that stupid fuarrrking grade school soykaf that they teach you never ever fuarrrking applies to the real world, who the fuarrrk actually shares or treats others equally or whatever? fuarrrk the golden rule, we've lived in a world bereft of it for fuarrrking decades and no one really gives a soykaf. Ethics, morals, ideals, none of it fuarrrking matters.

I can't talk to the people I love and trust about all these feelings inside me. It will distress them greatly. With all this pain and sadness I probably die in the near future anyways.

>>49639 I hate how the concept free speech has been strawmanned into "you just want to say the n word on the internet". Well, I guess I can't say strawman anymore because, as always, a swarm of idiots who really do only care about saying gamer words have been forcibly teamed with the concept. It's all too convenient. Any time there's a controversial idea I support (even when it shouldn't be controversial), there's always all this hand-wringing in the media over how the supporters of this idea are all <insert bad guy here>, and at first I laugh because I don't see any of them, maybe a couple retards at worst. But then, as if introduced by the media to prove themselves right, the idea suddenly becomes flooded with said retards. Now you can't talk about it without being associated with it, not just because of the media's crying but also because discussion of the idea got derezzed, another site came up to take supporters in, and they're all filled with the same retards. In fact, the site becomes more associated with the retards than the original idea. With how many times this has happened, I can't help but think it happens on purpose. It's especially bad on anonymous boards because there's no accounts to vet, no way to point at someone and go "this guy just joined today, it's obviously a sockpuppet".

>>48493 As the clock strikes 12:03, i am reminded that the first thing I did on my birthday is browse a thread on the miscellaneous forum on bodybuilding.com. My girlfriend coincidentally did not take part in our mutual joke where we say "happy birthday" at precisely midnight. There's nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly normal for people to take 2-3 days to reply to your messages. The last month has been great and I have nothing to complain about. I'm strongly considering relapsing into binge drinking. I don't know how many more straws this camel's back can take.

>>49694 >The last month has been great and I have nothing to complain about. Is your post highly sarcastic? I get nihilistic vibes from it.

>>49694 >It's perfectly normal for people to take 2-3 days to reply to your messages. I know that feel It's something we shouldn't accept

>>49697 tfw my friends reply after two weeks, a month or never

>>49716 Not necessarily malicious. Im guilty of this and i simply nolive work regularly so i skip contact to avoid wasting more time than i can afford in that period. Generally try to catch up in free time periods though.

>>49694 >our mutual joke where we say "happy birthday" at precisely midnight ...joke? That isn't a "joke". It's excitedly trying to be the first person to tell the person you love that you are happy that they are alive, were born, etc.

I'm starting Info Sec courses in colleges with literally no experience or knowledge about cybersecurity, and uh... I hope I don't fuarrrking fail.

>>49730 already failed. i hate the cybersecurity as it's own thing meme. it's just about knowing how systems work and how to break them. if you actually know computers and programming then you inherently know how to secure them and break them.

dont bullshit him. Most students dont even know how to code hello world nowadays.

>>49735 >>49736 damn, what do I do? Should I learn by scratch on my own with online resources outside of college as well?

>>49774 The smartest choice would be to talk to someone who is doing the degree you want to do at your university. You wont get a better source for what you really need. At the minimum check the curriculum first and see what they teach. I.E. no point learning c if they use python so check what they use. Best blind option would be to get familiar with linux so you can at least use it comfortable. Lots of sec tools are linux bound.

>>49735 What a joke, retarded programmers and retards in general are exactly why cyber security is a legit field. The mentality they drill into you in programmer/IT school is the exact opposite of the security mentality. They want fast results, 100% uptime, and as many features as possible. Cyber security is about being the voice of reason in the room while everyone else is barreling forward at top speed and saying "do we actually need to enable that feature, have you checked whether this is vulnerable to injection, and can we please patch this server for once?". And if that sounds super obvious, you haven't worked long in the IT world because most people are totally clueless about anything except writing efficient code. Don't give me this crap about how if you are a good programmer you are automatically a good security professional. >>49774 Don't fall for the FUD. But you should absolutely be teaching yourself as much as possible about computers, networking, pen testing, and so on. There are lots of SANS course videos floating around out there if you are good at Google searches, and you can use HackTheBox for free if you're interested in pen testing. Hopefully if your program is good it will teach you the softer skills like risk management. The main thing you should do is utilize your university's resources to get an internship ASAP, the secret about universities is that it's less about what they teach you and more about the connections they can get you.

I don't think I can cope with life. I've singlehandedly ruined my health through a series of particularly dumb decisions and gave myself a bunch of chronic conditions that are bound to get worse as I grow older. Naturally I have problems with my mental health that I've managed to mitigate but that never really go away. I am incapable of living independently all thanks to my stifling upbringing. I lack goals and interests of my own. I don't exactly care about finding happiness in connecting with other people. My living conditions are passable at best. At this point, I live because I am alive. I've been feeling oddly feverish these last few days, and my perception of time and space feels weird. I failed my body and my body is now failing me, a fair enough exchange. Life is largely unfair. Suffering is disproportionately huge compared to the happiness I experience. I need to actively search and work for joy while the pain is always there. I gladly welcome both miracle and death, as either spares me from this life, though I know which one is much more likely.

Trying to stay clean but it's such a struggle. Haven't talked to my folks all weekend, even though I swore to myself I'd put my soykaf down long enough to call them. My stash is gone after a bender yesterday, making an effort to call today before I have any opportunities to restock. >>49735 Clown soykaf

>>49817 >I've singlehandedly ruined my health through a series of particularly dumb decisions and gave myself a bunch of chronic conditions that are bound to get worse as I grow older. Not trying to convince you to do or not to do that but I would like to know how did you ruin your health to avoid it. Also good luck with your decisions.

>m-maybe just stop seething and they'll stop bullying y- NO. NEVER. IF THEY WANT TO BE USED AS MY PERSONAL PUNCHING BAG THEN SO BE IT.

Once I've made my presence known, they just can't let it go. How do I undo time? I want them to entirely forget about me, I want them not to hate me and just forget about it, but they won't allow me to. There's this "asshole upon which you can throw punches onto". I hate it.

I do not know if i am getting old or the internet was always like this. But i seem to have memories of the internet being less soykafty to be on overall. Where it was people creating things for fun and trying to isolate from the soykafty life outside of it that is politics, family problems. Isolationist communities use to be more of a thing, gaming communities use to be a thing as well to just talk about games or whatever other than the ultra awful divisive things of politics being everywhere where it did not exist before. I just want things to return back to normal so i can get away from how soykaf this centralized internet is and be with like minded people who feel similar to me.

>>49431 I know that feeling overall. Most communication is worthless due to the fact most people like whining and insider trading nowadays than to watch anime or to have any real meaningful discussions in some places. A few of us exist, but i wish there was more.

>>49840 3 things happened 1.Increased usability brought dumber people in. 2.Commercialization drowned natural discussion by viral marketing and censorship. 3.Centralization created a mainstream culture that exports itself to smaller communities by the nature of people spending most time on a few platforms and ingraining their thinking patterns there which they then carry onto the smaller sites. The big challenge is how to get people out of the matrix and join alternative platforms. Simple example is how youtube is still untouched by alternatives despite getting increasingly worse. I could push out a site myself but its pointless because i don't know how to market effectively either.

>>49840 divisive politics became intrusive in entertainment/internet subcultures back in the early 2010s (muh evil white men, muh sexism). you can say "uhhhh both sides r bad, just let me grill in peace :)" but one is definitely a reaction to the other, and only one demands total compliance from the other.

>>49841 So there are two of us, it feels less hopeless somehow.

>>49845 I think that can be said even for both sides. They are both a reaction to each other, since one side uses the existence of historical atrocities as a justification for pushing hard against the other side. This probably show that I have a bias, but I reject the framing of the culture war, as it leaves people stuck in a bitter victim mindset, from personal experience.

>>49844 Unfortunately i agree with you. It is mostly by 1 and 3 in my opinion. Because if you notice Social Media makes it easy to post opinions and it highlights those opinions to the top if it's the most controversial or even the most uninformed posts. While 4 Clover and this site are slowly implementing ways to filter the dumb people out to go back to their own social media network. As for Centralization i argue that Reddit killed a lot of the smaller communities by having them all relocate on one site, while Youtube's algorithm intentionally tries to show you Political, Mainstream and corporate opinions which is most obvious on the front page. That site is slowly less about the userbase and more about what advertisement it wishes to send to you and what it wants you to think and like you mentioned to bring it on other sites. The only solution is to make alternative platforms that were much greater than the previous and have elements that improve on the original platforms that exist while at the same time trying to filter out for new users. >>49845 I know you have not been in the early wave of the 2010's and not even online in the 00's. Yes political arena's existed, but i am talking about places being infested by low IQ off-boarders who think their political opinions will shift anything and try to wage slave hard their belief's everywhere. When in the past they use to be derezzed and relegated to their own containment areas from the smaller communities, to parts of the broader public. There use to be a rule to not involve Politics and Religion into other discussions only because it would cause divisiveness and people to be upset regularly. It's the only reason why isolationist communities like these exist.

>>49849 lmao no, i was unironically very left leaning at the beginning of the 2010's still even through occupy wall street and such. the left was dismantled and turned into a tool for the elite and became dogmatic assholes in the span of like 2 years. image board culture was even more left-leaning prior to this, "right-wing" traditionalist type opposition is a direct response to how absolutely retarded things became. it's really hard to not get angry when you're told you're evil simply for being white by every facet of the media for years, and then simultaneously told that you're crazy for thinking that it is happening at all. i used to be for gay rights and all of that feel-good soykaf until they became absolutely retarded, now i fuarrrking hate. there are a lot of people like me.

My back hurts I miss soft bed

>>49852 >and it highlights those opinions to the top if it's the most controversial or even the most uninformed posts 2. is what breaks this formula. Advertisers pay for top spots. And one way to accomplish this is delete competing threads. So natural topics get deleted simply for the crime of stealing attention from the advertisement. They have paid mods for this on any big subreddit and i believe they likely also have some on 4clover given the observable behaviour of those mods. Interesting enough ive seen a report were 4clover was pout above reddit in ROI for marketing to NA. I would guess its cause its much easier to get a top position.

>>49857 Now that you mention it 2 would break any site in half. It explains a lot why i have noticed a lot more threads dedicated on /b/ to porn, MiSter and Krikkz on /vr/ and general social media screenshot threads on /v/ and other places. In order to make users go to that site and then in turn having that site advertise back as the "evil channers" or the "chans agree with us" type of cycle. As for NA i live here, and i can tell you with absolute certainty that there is many dumb people here, and those who have no real individual thought of their own and are drones. It would explain why NA is higher as a market and is easily manipulable especially when it comes to Social Media due to the ease of use and anti-social tendencies.

>>49854 I do find it funny though a lot of people misinterpret history on the image-boards as right wing traditionalism. When boards are counter culture, because popular culture is like kicking dead whales down the beach, social media corporate culture is like kicking dead whales down the beach, government co-opted places suck. 2000's and 2010's early it was just religious censorship moralists, middle of the 2010's and now heading near a decade later it's a bunch of political correctness censorship moralists for the opposite end. The worst of it all is the people who are caught in between this huge polarization divide who wish to watch a movie without being preached to about how bad i am, or to play a video game that is not a gender swap and a racial swap for low effort pandering for corporate money. Nothing will change unless people make the decision to stop throwing money at these people and to stop enabling this behavior overall. But i do think there is too many dumb people overall for it to matter.

>>49849 nobody would be an extremist if regular people weren't needlessly bombarded with guilt propaganda in entertainment and education. nobody wants to hear that they're evil for having an ethnic identity, that they owe something over transgressions they had nothing to do with, or that they need to give up their professional and academic opportunities to someone else over skin colour or gender. most young white men would've been happily apolitical if it weren't for the campaign of belittlement that suspiciously followed occupy wall street, and the doubling down that followed the 2016 election. >>49852 none of that disagrees with what I said or warrants an aura of arrogance. you're a conceited cunt and I'm glad things aren't going well for you. but to answer your question even more directly, "isolated communities" are being swamped with politics because they're the only places left where you can openly hold some positions. a wide variety of speech which would be considered milquetoast 10 years ago is now classified as an act of violence thus making it impermissible on other platforms. but you didn't complain when people were being evicted from their own discussion spaces, you're complaining now that the refugees are on your lawn.

>>49855 Where did you lost your soft bed, lainon?

I've hit a level where I've gotten an imaginary friend to make uncomfortable situations like leaving my house for extended periods tolerable. We talk when I go to sleep and when I find life overwhelming. Most of my social interaction is exclusively in my head. I had a family member tell me today that I live in voluntary solitary confinement, which is normally a punishment.

>>49864 >nobody would be an extremist if regular people weren't needlessly bombarded with guilt propaganda in entertainment and education. sure... nobody was an extremist before that... nuh uh no siree.... >a wide variety of speech which would be considered milquetoast 10 years ago is now classified as an act of violence thus making it impermissible on other platforms. Like what specifically? Can you give me an example of some speech that would be considered an act of violence now that wasn't back then?

Nothing makes sense anymore. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm in The Twilight Zone, waiting for Rod Sterling to come in and sum up my sorry life with a philosophical monologue. Whenever I talk to people, it's as if we're creatures from totally different worlds trying and failing to communicate with each other. Many times, those people turn hostile for no good reason. The current social trends make no sense to me, and I sometimes find myself growing increasingly out of touch with the world around me. Though, I don't consider that to be a wholly bad thing, as this world is poisonous and will ultimately destroy itself, making the distance I keep from it seem more and more necessary. I feel confused, frustrated and depressed, finding solace primarily in the worlds I create in my head. In those worlds, everything makes sense. I want to live in those worlds forever, far away from this current toxic, nonsensical existence.

>>49870 same. i'm even a normal looking dude/dress well etc, but whenever i speak to someone they always ask me to repeat myself. even if i'm speaking very clearly. it's like i don't emit a signal that normal users do or something. i live a completely isolated life. about to throw on my backpack and go for a walk to the grocery store, not because i can't just drive, because it'd be more interesting and i can hope that i end up talking to somebody on the way there or something (i have no other way of meeting people). i'm not even depressed but sometimes i think i should just end it, soon i''ll be 30 (i'm 28 but young) and it'll be weird for me to even hang out with people. i really don't think life should go on past high school in the current state of things. before when you had a good wife/family almost guaranteed i see how there was good incentive to follow through on life's natural trajectory, but now..... what is it for? society is bastardized.

>>49869 >sure... nobody was an extremist before that... nuh uh no siree.... are you dumb or knowingly disingenuous? go to any of the online "hotbeds of extremism" and you'll find that the constant guilting of white people is a common catalyst for setting users on that path. that's what the whole "alt right pipeline" is, just teens/20 somethings who got tired of being told they were a cancer on the earth because of their race. >Like what specifically? racial humor (slurs are a slippery slope to genocide!!!). being anti-immigration (you don't like foreigners in your country? that means you want ethnic cleansing!!!). questioning the validity of electoral results (you're a threat to our dumbocracy!!!). trivial things that wouldn't raise an eyebrow 10 years ago are being construed as some verbal prelude to violence which justifies purging people from the internet.

I'm extremely depressed that outside of tiny internet bubbles and secluded hugboxes like these, absolutely nobody out there actually likes anime and stuff like that. I fuarrrking hate chans and chan culture and all of that dumb bullshit but I have nowhere else to go so I reluctantly stick around while hating myself every step of the way for doing so. I really truly have nowhere to go though and I fuarrrking hate it, I've long since outgrown all of the stupid soykaf that anonymous imageboards and pretty much every place on the internet pulls but having no one in real life to actually talk to, this is the hellish "solution" I subject myself to every time I feel the pangs of loneliness and wanting to talk to someone creeps in. I also just dislike making friends on the internet because they're essentially strangers and will always remain strangers, along with the fact that the caliber of people who are browsing these places probably aren't gonna be very high. It won't take long until they show their true colors and start spouting some fuarrrked up things and doing some fuarrrked up stuff. I'm desperately trying to find a way out but can find nobody that I can connect with in a meaningful way, I can't find true friends is another way to put it. Also the more that this goes on the more I feel like giving up, I feel my spirit breaking with every passing day. I just want SOMEBODY to talk to and be my friend, someone who won't betray me or go behind my back, someone who will be supportive of me and who won't abuse me, someone who I can confide in and be completely honest with in complete comfort and security.

>>49873 I'm serious. How do you think people became fascists before the internet? Or back in the 40s when racism was basically the norm? >that's what the whole "alt right pipeline" is, just teens/20 somethings who got tired of being told they were a cancer on the earth because of their race. Yeah I got tired of it too, so I stopped giving a soykaf. Turns out that most black/brown/whatever people in the real world don't think like twitter pundits. >trivial things that wouldn't raise an eyebrow 10 years ago are being construed as some verbal prelude to violence which justifies purging people from the internet. Can you give a specific example, like a quote? 10 years ago was when Occupy was at its fullest force, BTW. That was probably the most actual pull any leftist movement has had in the US in the past 50 years. I think MeToo was just starting right around then too. I think you're mostly making a comment about internet culture, which yeah, used to skew pretty far right, then it got flooded with normal people.

>>49864 they know guilt propaganda creates extremists, it's deliberate. they want to manufacture extremists. it's a known thing fbi/cia manufactures "terrorists" via entrapment to pat themselves on the back for stopping "terrorism", this is like that at a larger scale. "create the problem, shape the reaction, sell the solution"

>>49882 >How do you think people became fascists before the internet? I was referring to the bulk of people who are called "extremists" in the current year. for the most part they're simply demoralized young white men who are tired of taking verbal abuse from everyone, and their "radicalization" could have easily been prevented by not singling out white people to denigrate. I thought that was obvious. >Yeah I got tired of it too, so I stopped giving a soykaf. Turns out that most black/brown/whatever people in the real world don't think like twitter pundits. I have no idea what country you live in but in north america it absolutely does seep into real life. employers and universities look at your race and may favor someone else because of it. school/uni is full of teachers presenting white men as some kind of historical villain who needs to be knocked down a peg. on orientation day in my old workplace we were told that white men under 45 are the only social group which doesn't receive special protection from employers, which made me feel like soykaf and alienated from my job. no, you can't just shut up and live in a bubble to get away from this stuff, I don't feel any attachment to the community I live in because it obviously considers me a lesser citizen than my peers. >Can you give a specific example, like a quote? what the fuarrrk are you talking about? a quote for what? that "hate speech", as loose and bastardized as that term has become is now conflated with violence by most sm platforms? https://help.twitter.com/en/rules-and-policies/hateful-conduct-policy >I think you're mostly making a comment about internet culture, which yeah, used to skew pretty far right, then it got flooded with normal people. ok, thanks for letting me know it was stupid to correspond with you in good faith.

>>49871 >but whenever i speak to someone they always ask me to repeat myself. even if i'm speaking very clearly. I can totally relate. I'm often told that I speak too quietly, even though I think I am speaking at a decent volume (I hate having to yell). I also believe that the topics that interest me go over the heads of most people (granted, I don't do a very good job of explaining my point of view at times), and the few that do understand what I'm trying to say are just waiting for the opportunity to control the flow of discussion, because, to them, hearing the sound of their own voices is more important that having any sort of positive rapport. >soon i''ll be 30 (i'm 28 but young) and it'll be weird for me to even hang out with people. I'm younger than you are, but this statement makes me think about a few things. It makes me think about growing older and how much I dread it. It also makes me think about the interests and likes that I have, and how strange it would be for me to hold on to those things as I grow older. Of course, in that instance, I'm not talking about how others perceive me, because I couldn't care less about what they have to think or say. However, I tend to be a very self-conscious and self-judgmental person, and I often think that I should just abandon those interests and find new ones, for my own sake. >society is bastardized. I try not to have an idealistic view of the past, because history will tell me that people were always rotten. We've merely acquired new ways to express that rottenness. >>49881 >I fuarrrking hate chans and chan culture and all of that dumb bullshit but I have nowhere else to go so I reluctantly stick around while hating myself every step of the way for doing so. I'm very much in the same boat. It's funny how one can feel like a total outcast in a place for other outcasts (supposedly). Lainchan is one of the better imageboards I've been coming to over the years, but I worry that I'm going to wake up one day and find that it looks no different from the others. >I just want SOMEBODY to talk to and be my friend, someone who won't betray me or go behind my back, someone who will be supportive of me and who won't abuse me, someone who I can confide in and be completely honest with in complete comfort and security. I fear that such a desire will persist as time goes on. "Friendship" is just another thing people can freely discard when it no longer serves them. I've one person I talk to on a regular basis. We've known each other for years, yet we've never met in person. I treasure his company, but I always worry that it won't last.

>>49883 >to pat themselves on the back for stopping "terrorism" Not just this, but it's a handy distraction. Rent crisis? Pandemic managed so poorly that the rest of the world is laughing? Nah bro, we gotta fight the terrorists. And not just any terrorists, but domestic terrorists, the scapegoat that makes you look less nationalistic and more self-aware when you talk about them.

>>49882 >Yeah I got tired of it too, so I stopped giving a soykaf >Turns out that most black/brown/whatever people in the real world don't think like twitter pundits. There is a racial divide and it is palpable. I can blame the media for putting fuel on the fire, but you don't seem to be very racially aware in the first place. >>49886 >could have easily been prevented by not singling out white people to denigrate I was happily "apolitical" (read: not involved.) and floated through life aimlessly. Now I'm almost grateful for what they did to me. Now I am strong, dependable, and mentally stable. >alienated from my job >don't feel any attachment to the community >a lesser citizen than my peers I understand completely. I do not feel I belong in this, or really any, country anymore. Where can I go? I just want to be with my own kind. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also do not want to be hurt. I don't know of anything can be done, but I'm not going to cowardly go hide in the woods with my family.

>>49898 >There is a racial divide and it is palpable. yeah duh, but if you don't view every inter-racial interaction as political nobody gives a damn. I used to work with a lot of Mexican guys and they were the least PC people I've ever met. It was great.

>>49903 >if you don't view every inter-racial interaction as political I usually don't. I just want to be around my own kind while not be treated like soykaf for it. I don't want to genocide anyone. I don't want to vote anyone into power. I just want to my race and I to be left alone to do what the majority of us have done for tens of thousands of years. Breed. Toil. Die. I am not asking for some Whites-only world. I am asking for a Whites-only nation. This isn't even a "white supremacy" thing. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Do you understand? I have lived around non-Whites enough to know I do not enjoy being "culturally enriched". I want it to be bland. I like the safe and mundane. "Food" and "Dance" is not a net positive for "racial diversity" to me. I know mexicans that I enjoy the company of, that have great banter. I know black people and asians and Jews and all the types of people that are like this. That's great and cool and I don't care, I don't fall for the "I had one good experience so this is everyone's" trap. If people want people like me to "not be political" then they shouldn't be making it "political". They shouldn't be making it some social crime to just want to be around your own kind, but only for *you* specifically.

>>49694 very late but happy birthday pal

>>49903 that's not how it works. I've lived in plurality nonwhite places for long enough to know that most people show bias for their own kind, except whites. whether they're cool people or not doesn't matter, when it comes down to it you'll always be casually left out because you're an outsider to them. I don't feel happy or safe or motivated to contribute anything in that kind of environment, and I'm tired of being told I'm evil because I want what every other ethnic community already has.

>>49904 >I am asking for a Whites-only nation. well, here in the US at least, that involves kicking out about half the people. It makes almost as little sense as those aboriginal nationalists who want to kick out all the white people, or black nationalists who want to make the South into a blacks-only nation because it's majority black. Anyway this *is* a political stance whether anyone else "makes it political" or not. Whether or not Israel should exist as a Jewish ethnostate is political, as is whether Rhodesia should have existed as a white ethnostate. State building is political. There is no way around that. >If people want people like me to "not be political" then they shouldn't be making it "political" and you say in the same post that when you actually talk to real people, it's not steeped in twitter political discourse. What then is forcing you to be political? Words on a screen? Some spray-tanned actors on the news? >They shouldn't be making it some social crime to just want to be around your own kind, but only for *you* specifically. Well, you want a 'whites-only nation', which is much bigger than just preferring to live among people who look like you. That's pretty much expected, although its kinda taboo to bring it up.

What is that being human all about? I feel lost without purpose. My life is all about procrastinating and waiting for the better times that never arrive. Will there be as much pain if I reincarnate as a cosmic slime somewhere on a Kepler-N planet? There should be a fuarrrking manual for life.

>>49903 I agree Mexicans and Asians are chill and laid back usually. Easy to talk to. At some point that political anon needs to learn to just live their life than to lose their spaghetti all over the place.

I fuarrrking despise my stupid autist brain and my abject lack of social skills, I hate the way I get irrationally angry at certain sounds and feel unjustifiable contempt for some people based on shallow crap like breathing too heavily or being overweight, I hate how bitter I am, I hate how aware of it I am and how much I struggle with getting better with it, I hate how taxing even basic conversation is and how much energy I expend to do things normal people find easy, I hate how putting so much effort into regular day to day interactions also makes me hyper aware of those things I get irrationally upset about in other people as a side effect and how it leaves me with no energy for the things I actually care about and have fun doing. I hate how soykaf that should bother me and even make me afraid or scared doesn't, I hate that things that shouldn't even be noticeable can ruin my entire day. I have a worse reaction to the wrong kind of socks than to the smell of ill people's soykaf, I can listen to a patient or member of the public cry and wail and not feel upset but someone eating too loud makes me want to scream, I hate that normal people get to vent about things that upset them but I can't vent about things that upset me without sounding like a psychopath. I hate how much I want to put effort into socialising and meeting people and talking and how inadequate I feel when I avoid doing these things even though I'm awful at them and every time I do them I end up feeling exhausted and like it was a complete waste of effort. I hate how my actual skillset is in the complete opposite areas to what I actually want to do in life, I hate how the things I'm actually exceptional at are the most unfulfilling, bugwork things imaginable, I hate how terrible I am at the things that actually interest me and bring me joy. It is infuriating, genuinely infuriating, going to a boring fuarrrking miserable job with two mouthbreathing landwhales in a tiny office, who are both happier and leading more fulfilling lives than you, and understanding WHY their lives are better than yours but not knowing how to get what they have, its more infuriating and frustrating still to receive seemingly genuine praise from your superiors for doing what seems to be completely basic, mundane soykaf, that gets treated as radical and transformational, when you feel like its the most obvious stuff in the world and your mediocre work is merely passable, but knowing logically that it can't have been, because none of your four predecessors knew how to do it and you're becoming the go to guy for this kind of work across the organisation, but not being able to reconcile the two things in your head. I hate not knowing how to keep relationships going, I hate the feeling of desperately wanting to talk to a friend and just say hi and catch up with them but being completely incapable of making the call to them or of figuring out how to send a five word text message. I hate that when family and friends try to reach out to me I want to explain exactly what's going on and trust them to understand but I'm completely incapable of articulating my feelings on any level above a 1 through 10 score or good/bad so I shut down and don't say anything and we go back into the awkward dance where they pretend I'm getting better over time and I pretend I'm not a malfunctioning robot.

>>49922 I kind of know that feel but my autism is less severe. I hate touching dry synthetic sponges by the way but I don't know if that matters, it drives me crazy. Not feeling what neuronormal people feel doesn't make you worse but different - they have their little filthy problems like "my ex did XYZ I miss him so much :(" When people come to me and say "my grandma died", I think and say "Okay" because I really don't care. You don't have to feel the way people would like you feel, you're not them. Dry sponges are terrible, someone's grandma is not. I've been living my whole life not knowing me and my entire family is more or less autistic, that's terrible. It also looks like I subconsciously pick weird and autistic friends because I started noticing their different behavior compared to neuronormal people. Just find yourself someone a little twisted who knows how you feel. Hope this helps somehow.

>>49926 Of course by neuronormal people I mean neurotypical but the language enhancer killed my neologism. Interestingly, even the dictionary tries to convince me my way of thinking is a mental illness: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/neologism 1 : a new word, usage, or expression technological neologisms 2 psychology : a new word that is coined especially by a person affected with schizophrenia and is meaningless except to the coiner, and is typically a combination of two existing words or a shortening or distortion of an existing word This made me furious so there's the word: neuron-ormies or as I like to call them neuronormans also known as normal people.

Tried abstaining from the Internet, video games and social media for boredom to set in and hopefully point to anything I could be interested in. I came up with nothing, but I realized that I don't care much about the Internet either, it's just an effective distraction, and other than that my life is completely empty. I doodled and read a few pages but I didn't enjoy it.

>>49932 Well life is a distraction until death. Some people are extremely talented and use their talents in hobbies to better the world and their own communities. While others can waste their lives away on video gaming and social media or even reading literature.

>>49824 It's all the things you probably already know. Don't self-harm in any way. Cutting leaves scars and lets infections in, banging your head gives you small concussions that add up and leave you dumber. Don't shove anything up your ass, anal escapades affect the muscle tone and lead to fecal incontinence that gets worse with age, not to mention the infections and intestine damage that may cripple you for life. Avoid penis enlargement exercises like jelqing and pumping, these damage your blood vessels and often lead to nerve damage that may be pretty severe. Last but not least, in case you decide to top yourself, make sure you use a gun or that no one finds your body so you aren't left a cripple or worse, a vegetable.

I cant stop having feelings for someone that's in a relationship. We hung out a bunch of times just me and her and it always felt so good. (Ive tried meeting over women, the last encountered verged on disturbing to the point I stopped trying.) I havnt seen her in a couple of years but we were due to meet soon for a mutual business reason but she had to push it back due to being overwhelmed with work. Im fine with this but just sharing a few nice messages evokes strong feelings in me. Normally if I found someone was in a relationship Id just forget about them but in this case, I feel like a spell has been cast on me.

>>49956 Sounds tragic but thanks for answering anyway. I wish you a better life next time if there's such a thing.

I am lost, delusional and very fuarrrked future isn't looking good boys

i have god given genetics, looks, smarts, everything, i cannot get enough, i do not work, i hate work, i love women, i love art fun and women, in fact recently i had date with a girl that i have been talking to for some time, she is very insecure and i am not sure which way date went, so the girl i keep seeing in evenings to get a smoke from her started coming over at my place, she is in a serious relationship but i took her over now, she comes daily, cuddles conforms and kisses with me, milks my fat cock and than i am left with my hobbies, than back to my 16yo girl, i keep texting the insecure girl but something changed, i am not sure what is it, the 16yo girl is very hooked onto me but i try and keep my distance, i also have another girlfriend that just started going to financial uni, i only use her for sex and daydreams, she is very cute but very much so kinky, there is also one girl that is year older than me, she is concerned and wants to get married, but she still says she loves me, i am sure there are more, my problem is i want them all at once, that is not the problem at all but due to lack of time during day it is kind of tiresome, i cannot work since that would take my time away from what i truly love

I smoke weed everyday like its the last, i dont even get that high off it anymore. Life just seems pointless and absurd, wouldnt know what to do even if i had money or any need to work, why even bother. Also i met some people recently that are real cool down, but what are the chances of me fitting in anywhere but the most fuarrrked up of fuarrrkups. Im literally worlds apart from people, even those who seem real open, i cant stand the social game and all this modern day crap. I might well be a corpse, but when i look at people, i think just the same of them, its such a messed up world we live in yet people pretend its all ok and find.

>>50042 what the fuarrrk even

You know, I've been feeling pretty good, and I think it's because I refuse to read bad thoughts or give my bad thoughts a more rigid form. Going on here to vent I doubt helps at all, and reading other's ventings won't help either, especially since you are taking on the form of helplessness in either interaction. Frankly I avoid reading a whole lot of comments online because they'll bleed into you. food for thought

Venting is one of the worst things one can do for their well being, contrary to Western cultural thought. All it does is make bad thoughts, bad experiences, bad feelings, come to the front of the mind, with very little relief from the stress, and all the relief that is attained comes back pretty soon afterwards. Deconstructing bad thoughts is a better use of time, and helps one feel better in the longer run. just food for thought

I have ZERO fuarrrkING IDEA how the fuarrrk someone in their 20's is supposed to make friends or find a good girl to date (and don't tell me the "go to church meme", please). I went to a good university years ago, all of the women that I ended up making the acquaintance of or hooking up with simply weren't partner material. Not that they were ugly, just not very smart, or weren't even feminine in their actions; basically the type of girl you wouldn't want your kid to have as a mother. Jobs, well, lmfao well, my jobs were working in software, so obviously not going to meet a good woman there unless I win the lottery. Now I'm 27 and have been NEET'ing for about a year because screw it, I could. My rent is cheap and my job paid well enough that I had an emergency fund. It has been great but I have no idea what the fuarrrk to do. My last job brought me to Idaho (Boise) and Iove the place, but I don't know a single soul here. Not to be a conceited asshole, but I regularly see things like boarish, borderline retarded men who dress in athletic clothes with their gut hanging out walking around with a relatively cute and charming girlfriend/wife. It puzzles me endlessly. But therein lies the problem, I'm relatively athletic and fit, I dress well (not cringe fedora well, just business casual/professional well), I have a German accent that people typically find endearing, but I'm painfully, embarassingly shy, and probably slightly on the spectrum. Turns out that this may be detrimental, I recently talked to my sister, who I love dearly but is a bit of a floozy, and she always teases me for being single. Well, I got frustrated and opened up to her, and she said "Lain, your problem is that if unless someone initiates contact with you, you'll go the rest of your life talking to not a soul. Those women are walking around with those "boarish" men as you call them, because the men literally just walked up to them and started talking. Nobody woman is going to waltz on up to a random good looking man in walmart and start asking you for your number." So sorry if this sounds self-masturbatory but I have zero idea how I'd end up in a situation to meet someone. I don't think it's appropriate to just walk up to someone in a store and start asking them for their number, and other than that, I don't go anywhere; and say that I did go somewhere where people people typically meet, I don't fit into these environments at all. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I stopped drinking coffee and only drink tea now because it riled up my nerves too much. So what am I to do? They always say >go to meetup dot com and find a group you like Yes, I will go to the board game meetup where all of the profiles pictures of the people attending are redditors with the hipster mustaches and funko pops sans one token woman, of whom the entire event will center around as 7 different men vie for her attention... I'm sorry to be such a little bitch about the whole thing but it really is frustrating. More than anything I'm frustrated that society is so atomized that there is no outlet for forming tight knit communities in an organic fashion. I'm frustrated that my parents immigrated to the US where I've felt like I've had nothing in common with the people since day 1 other than my one good friend from my first days here in middle school. I'm also frustrated with myself for apparently being too much of a pussy to rise above these things like many people seemingly are able to despite me describing them as "boarish" and depicting them as "less than" me when they seem to be able to quite a bit more.

Just cut everything off from my friends, or "friends". It was a toxic relationship but I still stuck around because I was lonely and had nobody else, but it became too much so I made the tough decision of leaving. Now I have to go it all completely alone, god this is gonna be so painful now. Used to think that I was stuck scraping the bottom of the barrel of people for several years now, but now I realize that there is no "bottom of the barrel", it's just how all people are. fuarrrk this void of loneliness though, it's always at times like these that I get unproductive thoughts of ending it all and stuff

>>50072 >"Lain, your problem is that if unless someone initiates contact with you, you'll go the rest of your life talking to not a soul. Those women are walking around with those "boarish" men as you call them, because the men literally just walked up to them and started talking. Nobody woman is going to waltz on up to a random good looking man in walmart and start asking you for your number." She's absolutely right, unfortunately. There's also the problem that they might be scared off from approaching you (it's rare, but women do it sometimes, especially when they're drunk) because you look anxious. When I realized this, is when I realized that it's basically up to chance whether or not I meet any woman worth settling down with. I can remember two times in my life when I actually initiated conversations with random women, and both times went very well. Once was at a party when I was drunk and just felt like making conversation with a pair of bored-looking girls, the other I noticed in a class roster that someone had an interesting name and I asked her about it. Neither really went anywhere and I didn't even really want them to go anywhere, but they were certainly positive interactions. I wish I had the courage to do that kind of thing more often.

>>50071 deconstruction is just as useless, and depemnding on the deptha nd breadth of your torment and dysfunction, going to that level may destroy what remains of your humanity completely.

>>50075 yes! i have noticed this as well lain. on days when i'm particularly anxious but think that I sound normal when talking i've had somebody ask if i was okay or nervous because of the tone or maybe shakiness of my voice. very good point. anyway i don't even really prioritize sex or "getting a hot girl" (sounds like annoying work to be honest), i'd just like a girlfriend who wants to hold hands and watch movie night. i'm way too innocent for being 27 lmao but i am who i am. if things don't pan out for us i suppose we'll be brewing soykaf in the computer room at the retirement home lol

>>50056 I would advise you to take a T-Break for a week and a half at least. I know what it's like having so much weed in your system that you get lethargic and kind of feeling like everything is pointless. It's best to do it every 2-3 days or at least twice a week than doing it everyday because otherwise your body is going to not be able to digest it as well, your movements will be slowed, your mind will be foggy and you will not wish to do much. Also i would argue mindset is important as well when taking it. Try to listen to calming music and think of positive things before it kicks in.

>>50071 Venting and communities on the internet is what has helped society overall and given people who would have been more anti-social and criminals a place to feel like they are not alone, to vent and to make friends. Not everyone is an extroverted butterfly. Some of us like to talk a few times a week and then do something else later on.

>>50077 May i advise to get an Asian woman or a Latina if you are white? Only reason why i say this is not to be supremely autistic on my end. But i have kind of awakened up to the fact that most white women in America are not worth settling down with due to the fact their value systems are in defiance with our own. I have dated a few in my lifetime and i find that most often than not they just cheat, have vapid interests and pretend to be interested and mimic what you like but have nothing more to them. It's no different now even as it was back then in terms of white women pretending they like white men only to use them and dump them later on for someone who has some wealth except it's become more and more common than it was when i was a teen in the 00's(31 years old on my end). Partly due to the rise of smartphones, social media, and all of this stuff in the marketplace causing havoc on their psyche to think that they 10/10 and deserve only the best man for them. As for Asians and even Latina's some can be similar to certain white women obviously but there is enough of them that still have traditional family structures and communities. I would advise trying to pick up women there and to go on a date.

>>50071 >contrary to Western cultural thought. And how is that a bad thing? The West doesn't seem to be any better in that matter. Fake optimism and positiveness is fake, people's problems are real. Pretending everything's all right breeds even bigger problems. >All it does is make bad thoughts, bad experiences, bad feelings, come to the front of the mind Not really. Venting and seeing people vent often helps me to realize that my problems are of little importance. >Deconstructing bad thoughts is a better use of time, and helps one feel better in the longer run. Unless you fall into overthinking them. Also speaking out things loudly helps with that.

>>50110 It's just complete soykaf everywhere, mental health care is a joke, people's understanding and comprehension of mental health is a fuarrrking joke, east or west don't matter. They're both equally clueless, equally ignorant, equally cruel, and equally dismissive of the subject. I don't see things changing in the future and it'll probably stay that way forever. People don't change, people never change, you can't change people, people refuse and fear and shun change, and the more things "change", the more things stay the same. No one cares, and won't ever care.

>>50106 >due to the fact their value systems are in defiance with our own. I sincerely doubt I'm going to randomly happen across another devout Discordian ever, so this is going to be a problem with any large group of people, especially traditionalists. Personally I have no problem being with someone whose value systems are contrary to mine own. Also, I disagree with your assertion that white women only pretend to like men. Maybe if you're only dating the most incredibly boring kind of bitch in existence, but there's just as much variance among women as there is among men, and if anything weird women tend to get way over-attached to men they like.

>>50113 >I sincerely doubt I'm going to randomly happen across another devout Discordian ever, so this is going to be a problem with any large group of people, especially traditionalists. >Personally I have no problem being with someone whose value systems are contrary to mine own. You are misunderstanding the point entirely. When i mean values. I mean women who are loyal and are not going to cheat as soon something better comes along and trade up for something better. Most white women know they have a lot more options due to the fact they are no longer restricted to what is local anymore, thanks to Smartphones they can advertise themselves within the world and get anything they want. They only like Attention, Money and to them that is what love is. When the reality is it is a man who can provide for them and help their children advance in society. It is no wonder you do not understand this because you did not grow up in a society that had this sense of tradition even with other things being sort of whatever in regards to alcohol and drinking. >Also, I disagree with your assertion that white women only pretend to like men. Maybe if you're only dating the most incredibly boring kind of bitch in existence, but there's just as much variance among women as there is among men, and if anything weird women tend to get way over-attached to men they like. You are painting a broad brush because you are afraid of reality of race and the confines of what it entails. Yes i know some traditional white women exist, but those are becoming more and more rare. Most are taken and there is less of them that exist. If you do not believe it, check your posts earlier about how it's hard being a 27 year old being able to find a woman in this world and why are women just sleeping with men and why there is no sense of loyalty or a good woman that is in it for children and marriage. I have dated white women in this country and i know there is a stark difference between what they were in the 00's compared to today. They are not playing with a full deck and are living it up in decadence not understanding it's going to collapse on them because of their selfish behavior and thinking they have to have a better partner than their other girlfriend has for a vapid lifestyle. If you wish to live in ignorance be my guest, but just know there is better options than the one you are restricting yourself to. As for me i have dated outside the racial pool and have found a lot of success and women that i am willing to settle with because i am not purity spiraling to cross myself out of the gene pool. If you want it it's there. There is options other than what is in front of you. Use them.

After years of "going with the flow," I finally realized I what I want to do and pursue a PhD in my final year of college. But now as I look back, I didn't do any of the prep work and don't have any capability to get into a good program. I spent my days playing games, working on unrelated hobbies, etc and while I'm not bad at the field I want to get into, I don't have the credentials to show for it. Talking to phd candidates in good schools also really hammered into me that it's also not just about the grades, the projects, the scholarships, whatever, it's also about the social ability to connect with others, to attune to their needs and interests, not necessarily to manipulate people (altho that's also there) but to have close and respected relationships with others that can help you in life. And yet I'm awkward, autistic, and anxious about talking to people unless I've known them for a long time. I accidentally offend people, not just in a "speak my mind" way but also not realizing what questions are taboo or make people uncomfortable. I struggle with empathy no matter how hard I try. The friends that I have now are all thanks to luck and the good heart of people that take pity on me, or perhaps other loners that know I won't spurn them away or judge them for their interests and quirks because I'm too autistic to do that. The only thing stopping me from shaving my head and joining a monastery is my parents. Be it work or academia, was the game just rigged from the start? That no matter how hard I try, it'll never work out the way I want it? I've never felt home anywhere, no matter the community, real life or not, and I've jumped across many different internet communities as well. I still feel lonely, but more importantly, that I don't belong. I don't identify with a group, I don't feel fulfilled doing so. And I don't know why, if it's a social inability, something that happened in my youth, just haven't found the right place with the right interests or values yet, or what else. Just a swirl of pressures and anxiety around me while I can't pinpoint where it's all coming from, netherless how to solve it, and it all started after I decided to do something with my life, to not just be a dissapointment to my parents anymore, to leave some mark on the world and to make some kind of genuine connection with others. To say my bit and have it reciprocated. If I had forced myself to care more when I was younger, to be more disciplined, more social, more aware, would I have turned out differnet? Or was it destined to be this way? Is it too late?

>>50114 >I mean women who are loyal and are not going to cheat as soon something better comes along and trade up for something better. what's so traditional about that? >It is no wonder you do not understand this because you did not grow up in a society that had this sense of tradition My parents didn't let me watch SpongeBob until I was 13 because it was unchristian. >You are painting a broad brush because you are afraid of reality of race and the confines of what it entails. you're painting a broad brush precisely because you confine your thinking to the reality of race. >Yes i know some traditional white women exist, but those are becoming more and more rare. I'm not talking about traditional white women. I'm talking about deviant white women. What you describe is "the norm" but normality is less normal than it appears. >As for me i have dated outside the racial pool So have I, if anything I prefer it. I grew up among the Mexicans and Guatemalans. I still think you're wrong.

>>50121 >you're painting a broad brush precisely because you confine your thinking to the reality of race. Race is real. Groups exist as well. Pattern recognition is usually shamed but is reality of behavior of populations. >I'm talking about deviant white women. Then I agree with you on that. >So have I, if anything I prefer it. I grew up among the Mexicans and Guatemalans. I still think you're wrong. Then we agree on this. It's just the scenario of limiting ones options is dumb especially if circumstances exist that they can not find woman of their own racial group and stick with that until their death bed. I know I am being hyperbolic but I do fear that is how some people are. And I thought you were one of them.

>>50120 >pursue a Phd I just wish I could live in your bubble man

>>50072 I fuarrrking feel you, I'm in exactly the same spot, only 5 years earlier. Your vent inspires me and solidified the thought that something really has to change. The question that remains is what exactly. Sure you can walk up to a woman in a walmart and randomly start talking to her, but I can't imagine this to be the kind of acquaintance that grows to a successful relationship. From what I've seen in my circle of friends, people know each other for quite a while before they tumble into a relationship. It's the same in every goddamn piece of fictitious romance. This is part of the reason I'm convinced online dating is just fuarrrked. You write someone up, maybe go for a coffee once or twice, then what? You have absolutely no connection to this person and unless you get integrated into their social life or the other way around, it will remain that way. It's really not asking for much, to have someone who is interesting and shares some of their hobbies and quirks, but of the opposite gender. I have plenty such people, but they are all dudes. If you figure something out keep me updated lain, I'm very curious about your case.

>>50126 is it really that necessary to fall into romance?

>>50127 I have talked to friends who have their significant other and report how their life changed, I've read countless books where it's a significant part of the narrative and you see it all the time online. No doubt having someone to confide in who you know you'll be connected in some form to for a long time is something I've told myself I don't need, especially when the bullshit lockdowns hit. It's getting hard to keep pretending however. It doesn't have to be a girlfriend, it doesn't even have to be a romance, just someone to connect to who I can be slightly more intimate with. Is it asking too much?

>>50128 Yeah but what then, what's the plan? Any human can absorb information about your life quite easily unless they're mentally disabled. I've talked with people who are good sympathizers, they're good people but when i open up its over when its over, so i dont see the point of fretting, you want what you don't have and when you have it you're sick of it. You're in a mental gutter i suggest breaking out with some action.

>>50130 >Yeah but what then, what's the plan? That's a pretty good question. I agree that it is a bit of an irrational desire, my life is otherwise surprisingly stable. This is going to sound cringe and maybe not make a lot of sense, but I'm earnestly trying to be the best version of myself. I manage to work towards my goals in waves of determination, but then I stop, consider my life and wonder what it's been for. There is this (I think not entirely unreasonable hunch) that having this significant other will help with everything. With motivation, with finding purpose, with getting things done and with living a better life. But it could well be that it's exactly as you say. People crave novelty after all, it's how our brain is wired. I'll try "breaking out with some action", although nothing really comes to mind. Thank you for your food for thought.

>>50123 that's fair. It's just a pipe dream to get out of working, and if I can't get a good stipend I can't afford it anyways.

>>50106 you'll get soykaf for saying that but i kind of agree. i have only dated white women but they're the most entitled people on the planet. the relationships only went one way and it was towards her. everything in the relationship was supposed to benefit her, other than spreading her legs for mediocre sex that wasn't even fun, of course.

>>50114 also lain the person responding to you isn't me, i'm the 27 year old poster, you're arguing with someone else, i'm in agreement with you as i wrote here>>50135

>>50136 >>50135 Yeah my bad I did not know that was not you. It kind of had similar writing but I would say you are more of a pragmatist realist type than the person I was arguing with. But ultimately I have to admit you are right they are selfish and everything is mostly about them and how they feel, entitled to everything because they exist. Than caring about being in a relationship or having a future with marriage and children. Which is a missing component in America right now.

terrified of the fact that I might made a strange life speedrun and have crushed the game. I'm 20 soon, unkissed virgin and gay but live with my best friend and have strong feelings for him. In few weeks we are moving to other country for studying at university while I work full time as software engineer on remote position. Can't lose the job for studying (I picked EE&CE) and saving extra time for life because there are no one to pay the bills as his mom is quiting her job. My friend is bi and fuarrrks a lot with guys from grindr but never asked me for sex (maybe once or two half-jokingly but I'm too autistic) but that's not about it. The field which he picked for his major is full of women and if I'm not gonna ask him myself I would regret a lot. The problem is - if he'll reject me I'm doomed to stay alone maybe not for a life but certainly for a long time and possibly while witnessing my friend involving in serious relationship. I won't have time for connecting with any people not to mention with people I'd like, I've skipped my youth.

>>50145 I think you should ask him. He should understand if he's both gay and your (real) friend. I told a lesbian once I love her and we're great friends since then even though I'm a (90%) hetero male.

>>50147 I know he won't end our friendship, yet the possibility of never having romantic or sexual relationship with him will lead to the realisation that I should meet another person in my life which requires time I won't have. and I'm not sure if those feelings will ever go away. do you still love your friend that way?

>>50148 >yet the possibility of never having romantic or sexual relationship with him will lead to the realisation that I should meet another person in my life which requires time I won't have. If you don't ask him, you will have to do that anyway. >do you still love your friend that way? Always and she knows that. I know that I should probably seek someone else, yet even if I find someone else, I will always feel that way and be her friend. I want to stay with her even if it means being a kissless virgin forever. It's some kind of highly-emotional "platonic" relationship.

>>50149 >you will have to do that anyway well, it makes sense. >I want to stay with her even if it means being a kissless virgin forever. That's what I have been thinking for a long time too. I do enjoy spending time with him and it's the only thing that gives me the sense of comfort and peace. Yet, in case of rejection, I'll heat the point someday where it would be too painful to have him around me all the time. I can endure when he goes away for hooking up with strangers and once he brought one at home but I won't handle him involving in actual relationship, it will damage me pretty well.

Whenever I have the rare moment where I feel like I'm connecting with someone I'm genuinely interested in getting to know, I pour a lot of my energy and time into them. I'm self aware enough to not appear clingy or needy, but if I want to become better friends with someone who gets along well with me then I'll obviously put in the effort with intention of doing so. What is like kicking dead whales down the beach though is that what usually happens is I'll go through a "high" of meeting someone really cool and then realize shortly after that the energy put into trying to develop something more just isn't being reciprocated at all. It feels incredibly draining, like I'm annoying or bothering them even if it isn't the case and it just seems to spiral to a point where I withdraw almost completely as a result. There's a lot of self doubt that comes from it. Feels like this has been happening a lot more recently as well. Like everyone already has their own group of friends or peers, why would they want to put in their own efforts of developing something with someone besides who they already know well? And then I become painfully aware that I'm at the back of the list of priorities and it just makes me not want to try anymore. I guess what I'm complaining about is the overabundant of superficial friendships and a severe lack of ones with any real depth in them.

I don't know how to best handle negative emotions. I can't say venting helps, it's a temporary relief that doesn't really help. I've been writing and talking about the same issues and anxieties for years now, it's both bizarre and depressing.

>>50173 Emotions work through polarity. If you were at one time very happy then when that moments ends you will be very sad. The length of an up is the length of a down.

A light rant /blogposting or i just dont know where to put my thoughts outside my note so i'll put in here. Investing on healthy wellbeing is pretty hard,so i tried CGP on Lockdown Productivity to put in test. ( https://yewtu.be/watch?v=snAhsXyO3Ck). In short there's 1 particular part I hate or to put it simply lack of fun of it, its Exercise. So i tried lurking more for that topic on /fit/ and bodybuilding forum, honestly it is interesting to read. Thankfully i have friend who have a pair of dumbbells (6kg) so i ask him and he lent it to me. Its pretty heavy. because of that i have a no excuse to start lifting and a reason to do lifting like floor press, over-head press ,squat and deadlift. after trying 2 weeks, i hate to admit i kinda like exercising. like "wow i dont know getting a sweat and tired feels oddly refreshing" i might keep doing this and buy my own set of dumbells in future (or make one idk). my point is = if i dont have an excuse for not doing it , just do it. again it is not a rant , just life blogposting. Thank you for reading other lainon.

>>48565 leave, asshat. not everything is "schizo"

>>50179 thank u, schizo labels are annoying as hell

I have this weird thing about hating people but enjoying the stimulation I get from being around them. It's less about being an "extrovert", whatever the fuarrrk that's supposed to mean, and more along the lines of enjoying different places and times. I can go around and talk to people I loathe and am usually disinterested in, but it only happens when they initiate the conversation. I used to be very socially "awkward", but I got over it because I and everyone else has to. You can't be the little retard hiding in the corner forever, no matter how special it makes you feel. I'd go as far to say that if you can't maintain a conversation, make relevant smalltalk when needed, and know how and when to speak on what you're actually passionate about, you must be somewhat retarded in the truest sense of the word. For most of the people bitching in this thread I imagine it gives them pleasure to have a soykafty life, at least on the subconscious level, and complain about it. So if you're one of the few that doesn't enjoy complaining (!), try improving yourself before you complain about having nothing to live for. I know I don't, but that is because of a wholly unemotional conclusion I came to years ago; I'm not excited for the future, I'm not in love nor ever will I be, I don't care for living as it is. I've been a cynical asshole with depressive tendencies for as many years as I and my family/friend/teachers can remember, so I get little true enjoyment out of life. From all of that, though, I've found that the basic things to make you better off are as follows: Start exercising: Dont go the pussy-ass instructor/fitness class route, just go to a gym (or find a few rocks) and start doing the big three (squat, bench, and deadlift) until you see more definition in your body, then move on to muscle targeting ("More" is relative here; not everyone will bulk but everyone WILL get stronger). DON'T run on treadmils, DONT ride bikes, just run outside on the street; it's the most cardio stimulation you can get. If you progress slowly, that's fine. No one's watching anyways. Just run until running a mile feels like nothing, then go higher. If you can't afford/find/dont want to go to a gym, at least find a field to run around and play in. Throw rocks, hit things with sticks, and try to climb up trees. Again, no one important is watching; the important thing is getting nitric oxide and oxygen in you, not keeping up appearances. Also, sunbathe. Naturally produce Vitamin D is extremely important for mood and overall health, so get out in the sun without sunscreen. Eat better: This is pretty basic. Stop buying all packged foods, go to stores/butchers that sell untainted meat, drink milk without additives, cut out a decent chunk of your budget for good food. Limit metal intake by using pots and pans make from glass and non-ground beef/chicken/turkey. Limit chemicals as much as you can. Buy water not stored in fuarrrking plastic. Stop doing drugs. Etcetera. Stop spending money on stupid soykaf: Buying more things wont make you happy, saving money will. Spend your money on things that are good FOR you rather than things you simply want. You'll enjoy having less things and being able to make do on a smaller budget without NEEDING to. Spending money on stupid things is a result of the subconscious addiction to attention, so don't give it what it wants. Do different things: Go for a drive/ride/walk to a different city, hang around random people without talking to them (not just people your age, of course. They're all retarded anyways). Do something else. That's pretty much it. If you do all of this THEN still have something to complain about, then and ONLY then do you have a problem.

I fuarrrking hate how I'm never ever allowed to just be myself anywhere, and how in order to get along with people on the internet, I'm forced to just essentially be a clone of them. Doesn't matter where or who or what, people just want me to be their yes man instead of actually accepting me. They just want someone who will just validate and reaffirm everything they say while boosting their ego at every step, god I fuarrrking hate the internet. I fuarrrking hate interacting with random strangers with whom I can't ever have any meaningful interactions with, I hate this fuarrrking mob mentality and obsession with forcing everyone to conform. I've lost all contact with my friends, which means this fuarrrking stupid piece of fuarrrking soykaf is all I fuarrrking have. Not like they were actually "friends" anyway, they were all fuarrrking jerks who did nothing but try to secretly mock me to my face and talked tons of soykaf about me to my back and were never there for me when I needed it. It just reaffirms my beliefs of all people being inherently evil, and all people just being nothing but pieces of soykaf whenever it comes down to it. I've never had a good interaction with anybody, and every person I've met has more or less abandoned me or just treated me like soykaf. God I'm so fuarrrking lonely, but I don't want to compromise or conform or force myself to be someone I'm not for other people. I just want to be respected and for people to accept me. A lot of people here will assume that it's about politics, or "strong opinions", or whatever fuarrrking bullshit, but it's not. I haven't and never cared about that soykaf, because it just does nothing but divide people and forces you into echo chamber insider trades full of like-minded clones. I just want someone who can just be a friend. I'm so tired of the constant elitism, the constant need to prove yourself on the internet, the fuarrrking just tryhard fuarrrking attitude on the net. I always try my best to be a good person both on the net and in real life, but I just have nothing to show for it. I'm not expecting anything for doing it, because it would invalidate being a good person, but after some point you just feel depressed and disheartened and discouraged, like why even bother anymore, but then I just feel so weak and soykafty and just fuarrrked for wanting to give up. However, I feel like giving up and just acting like everybody else though, if you can't beat them join them right? I just feel so alone and lost, like I just have nothing to really live for anymore. I guess it's fuarrrking foolish of me to try and be accepting and open-minded and forgiving in a world full of intolerance and vitriol, to try and spare a thought for the other side in a world where it's nothing but a one-sided curbstomp, to try and practice some basic fuarrrking ethics and morals in a world that lacks it. God I'm probably talking a lot of mindless stupid bullshit, I probably sound crazy and deranged. Sometimes I do feel crazy and deranged the more time I spend alone with nothing but this unhealthy vacuum in front of me as my only window into reality. I wish I had someone to talk.

>>50207 If you don't mind anon, and I promise I won't judge, what is that something that you talk about that pushes people away? There are thousand of things you could work on that factor heavy in social interactions like how you present yourself, how much what you say is against other people values or simply if they have interest to talk about it.

>>50161 This is just so close to home, in addition to that im social noob, i have little to no idea on how to interact with people on like a social sort of level. Recently met some cool people, but ive no idea on how to even connect on a social level, or even if i could. Either way id fuarrrk it up prolly. >>50207 Sorry youre stuck in such a rut, heres a blog post i read today, it just really describes this hole well https://duion.com/blogs/popularity-only-metric-exists Theres no point in being a fake person, that way you just get sucked up in the blob of people, its a dark soulless place to be. There are still real people out there and not npcs, you just have to find them and ... no idea about the other thing, but first find them.

>>50209 Not really pushing people away, as it's just constant hassling and judging and what have you over my hobbies and everything and at some point I got sick of putting up with the toxicity and just general vitriol and stress and just silently cut things off (blocked them, unfriended them, removed them from my contacts) and just didn't look back. I tried really hard to get along with them though, I engaged wholeheartedly in their hobbies and topics of interest, played with them and stuff whenever they wanted to, and just generally went along with them for everything they wanted to do, I knew those guys for years. I tried my damndest at being a true friend and tried to help and support them at every point, but they never did the same for me. I usually try to avoid drama and try to be conscious of others, as I know how firsthand how painful it feels to be alienated and isolated and ostracized and stuff, so I try to make sure that other people don't feel the same. It still hurts though, cutting myself off from the only real life friendships I had, but after a certain point you're forced to take a hard look at things and see them for what they are. I'm one of those people who are extremely hyper conscious of themselves and others in public and constantly apologize for every little thing I think will offend or annoy people, which probably annoys people anyways. God just thinking about it just makes me feel even worse, fuarrrk I wish I had more people in my life.

>>50212 It's ok lainon. I get what you mean since I have feeling the same a lot. Although not to that extent. I joke with people but keep them at bay if I have to explain it crudely. But I don't think you should give up. Finding people who you really enjoy is hard and rare, I have only found like 4 in my entire life so far I felt like I could truly be me with, but it's not possible. Maybe now just to relax do something that requires little effort but still relaxes you? I usually take walks around my house if I feel unwell. Do you have something like that?

>>50213 >not possible not impossible. My mistake

>>50213 It's mostly just relaxing by reading or watching something or playing something. Problem is that I read extremely quickly (not speedreading or skimming), so it's hard for me to find enough books and comics and manga and VNs to keep me entertained (I really start to see what Hunter S. Thompson started to feel like back then whenever football wasn't on), so it's mostly games and anime and movies while reading whatever new chapters come out for my favorite series or whatever new releases look interesting. However its when things are slow that I really start to feel the emptiness, things get even worse whenever I experience something really good and then want to share it with someone. God I don't know why we feel the need to do that because it just makes me think about how alone I am, I even thought about teaching myself Japanese so that I could browse those forums and try to be around more like minded people, but I know deep down inside that it wouldn't change much anyways.

>>50215 Well, if reading doesn't do the trick maybe try finding something else? It doesn't have to be something difficult. It could be as easy as cleaning your room. Kinda tedious to do, but the more you do it the less tedious it will be and also you'll build more willpower for yourself. Just an idea. You can push your frustration to be a better person. That's what I at least try to do. Does it work flawlessly? No, not always but in general I'm more happy with myself than I was a year or two ago and it makes you more likely to get into positive situations. >I experience something really good and then want to share it with someone. Hey, not sure if you are into mobile apps but there's an app called slowly that you can download that is digitally emulated penpal messages. Basically every time you send a message it gets delivered to someoene after few hours depending on the distance you are from them. I used to write there and while I can't say I found some lasting friendship, I still met some really cool people from time to time. Just be patient with that. Although if you want someone to talk with, I'm open too. You want to exchange mail or something else?

I will soon need to become an independent adult and I'm not at all prepared for this due to my extremely sheltered upbringing. I have no interests to speak of, I'm only good at one thing I've spent my entire life studying, and I can't even imagine myself making a living off of it because most of the jobs related to it are horribly dull. I feel trapped. I want to live a meaningful and enjoyable life doing meaningful and enjoyable things, but I can't bring myself to think of anything I'd consider meaningful or enjoyable. I'm part of the problem, I need to seek or create this ethereal "passion" myself, but I'm genuinely stumped, I have nothing to guide me. Even if I were to find it, I'd have no time left to become a professional and turn it into anything remotely monetizable.

>>50218 Cultivating your spirit is the only thing you can do that is meaningful. Everything physical will pass away, when the universe is just a vast gray mush, the only thing that will matter is what happened to your soul. It took me a long time to figure this out, and even still it is something I have to constantly remind myself. Not having any material hobbies puts you at a great advantage over others, as they would have to first destroy their time-wasting habits before they could even begin to consider higher things.

i cyclically devise a detailed and thorough plan of action which involves traveling to a location beyond my residence, but the fear of witnessing my own vivid perception of my self in the actual physical harsh light of the day, forms such a surreal and intense inner experience for me that i sometimes cannot cope with the outside world almost absolutely, so i tend to reside indoors for extended periods of time in order to avoid the traumatic self dissection which is the live action analysis of how I have come to interact with this world as a whole, utterly. Cut off from the relation of all others, drowned in the extremely psychedelic experience that is my self, i somehow find a spiteful comfort in totally alienating myself from the values of all other beings, which ultimately leads to the complete avoidance of all interactions with individuals outside of my self. Thus, i am set back days, weeks, and months in a weird schedule of avoidance which works against my own desire to move and collect the things essential to all basic human needs; including common trivialities such a food, clothes, water, etc

>>50222 Cut the melodramatic self perception/world view is a good start, buddy wuddy boy.

>>50216 Nah it's fine, I deeply appreciate the gesture though. I don't know, I like the idea of penpals, but ultimately it's kind of not what I'm looking for. Sometimes I feel like I've built an unhealthy codependence on imageboards due to everything else just kind of failing me or dying on me, I think I just miss conventional forums. Might be why I keep coming back to them despite knowing better, knowing how nothing really good comes from them and that I'll never get what I want from them. The few good interactions I get from them and remember from them is not worth all of the other bullshit I get from them, but I keep coming back hoping that maybe things will be different this time, it's the definition of insanity I know. I have nowhere else to really call home though, not my coworkers, no friends, no real places on the internet where I can just load up for a chat. Every place on the internet acts the same anyways, same playbook, same types of people, and same lies they feed you when you enter. I just hate this extreme "with us or against us" bullshit that's just taken over the net, I don't honestly know if it was always this way but somehow I feel like it was different back then. I feel like things were friendly, people were more open, more tolerant, more accepting, principles that people on the net ironically vehemently hate and oppose now. I just feel like things are so just mean and horrible and cruel now, and I feel that start to affect me day by day. Again I wish I didn't have to consort with internet strangers who will do nothing but spin and twist and pervert the things I say and shove words in my mouth and assume the worst about me and just generally pull the bullshit they'll always pull. Sometimes I feel like giving up completely but that's a dark place from where there's no going back, not that I really have the courage to go through with it anyways. I can try to distract myself from the emptiness and depression I suffer from by using all the miracle methods people tell me to do (exercise, work, alcohol, bars, etc), but it won't change the fact that I'm still completely alone, maybe a solution or something will show up on the future, but right now I don't see a way out.

I've been NEET for a long time now and I'm running out of money because I chose not to take any sort of welfare. I'm also actively looking for work and even if things would go bad my mother has already said she would help out if needed. The thing is that I really would prefer not to live anymore but I can't bring myself to act upon it. I know how my family is worried about that particular outcome too and thinking about it just makes it all even more difficult. Even then what if I don't act and just get a job, what kind of future do I have where I go to the same job making semi soykafty pay just to satisfy someone elses inability to cope with another persons demise. I just can't see a way out that isn't ass.

>>50248 Figure out the source of your misery and start from there. Figure out where your hurting and why and work through that.

I used to masturbate to sexually perverse hentai (when I was 16), and now I feel that I will never have a wife or normal friends without hiding this. I have never done anything illegal, with one exception which is unrelated to hentai which I will talk about later. I masturbated to many things, but the thing that I am most ashamed about is l*li content. I have read very little, and only felt attraction to 2 or 3 doujins. At the time I came to the conclusion that I did not view l*li's as human, and that in my head they were some type of being, like catgirls. I don't remember it that much, and I don't want to think about it. Specifically what I masturbated to was mind control type porn, and normally when I read a mind control doujin I felt sad for the female character, but I felt no such thing for l*lis. Actually, looking back, I have read other doujins, namely konosuba doujins, but I did not view her as some type of non-human. I read hentai daily for long amounts of time, and usually climaxed somewhere from 2 to 5 times daily. I have never thought of my extreme fantasies in the real world. For the only Illegal thing I have done, it was looking at my older sister in her panties when she was sleeping. This actually happened before I started to heavily read doujins, and I had stopped almost completely while doing so. I had been attracted to my sister sexually since about 13. (I have been using the internet for general erotic content for a long time, nothing serious just looking up girls in bikinis or erotic gifs. I remember once getting caught in the 4th or 5th grade, I think, when i used my father's smartphone to search up something like that, and I remember it because I misspelled bikini as bikibi. They didn't actually know it was me, they knew what I searched because of the youtube search history, which I didn't think about. The first time I climaxed was a few weeks before my 12th birthday. I remember thinking of it as some type of purple feeling. I actually told my sister about it, somehow, though I really don't have that much memory of the event.) I think it is because I did not meet many women outside my family. She is busty and in general does not look she is younger than me (other than being shorter). Rather, for a period of time, it was simply a matter of body type: I found milf-type features attractive, which I didn't find in anyone but my sister. (She is 3 years older than me). Sometimes I would take pictures with my phone so I could look at them later, but after some time I felt ashamed and deleted them. I had gotten some 100 photos together, though I took about 7 or 8 at a time with similar poses and angles, so I doubt the actual number of events went past 15 or so. Afterwards, I sometimes went back to doing this, but always deleted the photos as soon as I climaxed (I would take the pictures while in a state of lust, and left this as soon as I climaxed to them). I have never posted these anywhere, and unless imgur and other very large image hosting companies have been hacked, they do not exist anymore. My sister and I are on good terms and I do not think she knows anything about this. Compared to my initial complaint, I do not feel shameful or guilty. At the time, I had different view about sex. I actually do not remember those views fully, and I don't think it was well formed in the first place. I started to change my mind once I started getting into more creampies. In general I found anal, blowjobs and handjobs a bit scary. I actually have a minor case of phimosis, though it was more pronounced when I was younger. I did not know it was unnatural until I looked at porn. Of course in this case masturbation might've been a good thing, with helping the condition and all. But I had a bit of a complex around it, because the head of my penis was also very sensitive. (It was not so extreme that I had any pain while peeing or anything like that, though). I started to transfer towards more creampie type content, and impregnation, and realized that I found sex (or at least thinking of it) most fulfilling when it was for the sake of pregnancy. Any type of non-con leaning fetishes removed themselves quite naturally, as I either did not really find the character in the doujin attractive (as in I would not want to have kids with her) and if I did, then I would only want to treat my future wife with kindness. However, I only realized this after the other things happened, and I suddenly felt very scared that anyone I would tell would be disgusted by me. Little has changed since then.

>>50250 I feel much better after venting though.

>>50250 > I feel that I will never have a wife or normal friends without hiding this. I realized long time ago that brutal honesty is the way and told my girlfriend that I did similar things you did with your sister to one of my classmates. If you think that somebody should despise you because you fapped to l*lis then don't. Best thing you can do is to just move on, because its not like you can change it by "feeling like you will never have a life without hiding this".

I have less and less patience for new things. Could be age or my attention span being fried, but I hate this either way. I can't finish any movie even if I think it's good. I feel the need to stop and do anything else, because sitting through the entire movie is boring, even if it ruins the experience and the intended pacing. Music is difficult to listen to as well, unless I'm using it as a backdrop for whatever else it is that I'm doing. I can't focus on just the song like I used to.

>>50260 How did you tell her these things? Did you just say it out of the blue one day?

>>50263 Yea, it was easier than I tought, which is true in most things. Like people here who wrote about masturbation in general.. only thing you need to do to stop is to understand that you have nothing to loose and just stop.

different lain , but sorry I might have contributed to the misinformation .

>>50249 I'm really just not getting any sort of satisfaction or enjoyment from life and I have convinced myself that no matter what kind of life situation I find myself in things won't change for the better. Getting stuck in a negative nihilistic mindset feels like such a childish trap too but I guess I never was that developed.

Dropped off the used Thinkpad I bought a month ago and I'm being fuarrrking paranoid about the possibility of it being stolen goods again. I checked the S/N before buying, then one week later I checked it again because I thought I might have been set up, I don't know why the fuarrrk am I still so hung about all this. I have enough stress to not let me sleep properly, I don't need this.

>>50277 Try taking care of a plant. Taking care of something else other than yourself can be gratifying and can help you change how you think about your life, if your able the nurture a plant and see it grow. Apply that same energy big or small to yourself. Plants dont cost much. Get a Pathos

>>48921 Damn, bro. Sounds a lot like me. Corona year completely ate my ass when it came to social issues, and I lost basically all my friends (switching off of Discord probably didn't help that, but I wasn't going to be meeting my friends in real life because my family was pretty worried about the virus and it's hard to have a complete paradigm shift like that for a friendship). However, I did meet a lot of people on Matrix (https://matrix.org). If I hadn't discovered Matrix or the communities I'm part of now, I might have jumped in front of traffic by now. This is my first year of uni, there's this one class that's really hard that is basically built to be a soykafty class. Barely been able to get any social contact outside my group (which is soykaf). I feel like I am the one doing the most work in my group and I'm busting my ass and sacrificing my social life while two of my group mates get baked. One of my groupmates is helpful but we do disagree on some things. fuarrrk, I've considered killing myself quite a few times in the past 3 weeks because I just can't take it anymore (the restrictions from last year and the social issues that I've had for 1 and a half years now). At least I managed to talk to a girl I like. I don't know how to talk to her outside of class though since I only really get to talk to her once a week. But I have to stay strong, which makes this soykaf that much harder. I know that if I fall, I'm only the first domino in many to fall. You're not the only one Lain, stay safe.

Why is school so depressing? >spent all summer doing passion projects, and just having a good time >moved in to college about a week ago >everything feels so mundane and I just lost all interest in my passions its been a week, i wasn't expecting this to happen so soon.

>>50250 This is mellowdramatic and almost just silly. If you allow how others see you too define who you are then essentially you are not living for yourself but for other people. Females will never find this attractive because hiding who you are and not being honest about it will become obvious in the long run almost like you have to appeal to her and everyone else to the point of killing off your identity. Besides There is nothing to be ashamed of being a L*licon or even having those interests. It's drawings it's fantasy it's not real. What you are going through is a phase and it happens in regards of growing up being a teenager and an adult.

>>50291 As someone that graduated Community College and dropped out of University. I will tell you to go into trade school. A lot of University is just boring and there is too much homework you will never finish you will never have a life. It's not worth it and the debt is not worth it either.

There was a post I made a while ago, I'm unsure of where but I thought it was here or the last thread (evidently not). It was a somewhat figurative post about my black iron prison of comfort. Does anyone here recall seeing it? Odds are, there was a picture of an apartment room at night alongside it.

>>50291 Why are you in college? Is it because you wanted to study something that interests you or just for the paper? You won't be happy if what you study doesn't interest you.

>>50304 Not him, but he mentioned "passion projects" that suggests a specific field that is ONLY taught formally in college.

Life vacuums balls. I'm not enjoying it.

>>50234 Hey king, after a week on the grind I'm back. >I don't know, I like the idea of penpals, but ultimately it's kind of not what I'm looking for. Yeah, I get you completely. I stopped writng there too and I don't think I'll return. As a side note, I feel like I've outgrown the internet. I can't stand most of it. I only browse like few semi obscure image boards (including this), few cozy youtube channels and I'm part of the webring, so I check up on folks there from time to time. > I have nowhere else to really call home though, not my coworkers, no friends, no real places on the internet where I can just load up for a chat. Every place on the internet acts the same anyways, same playbook, same types of people, and same lies they feed you when you enter. I just hate this extreme "with us or against us" bullshit that's just taken over the net, I don't honestly know if it was always this way but somehow I feel like it was different back then. Nah, I think it's something that wasn't there before. Even when I stumble upon some old page they always seem nice and more friendly. I think the net just went to soykaf because of how it essentially becaming a markety agency and controversy sells the best. It kinda spirals and morphs people too. I guess for now I just avoid it, not sure that the solution would be though on longer scale. > Sometimes I feel like giving up completely but that's a dark place from where there's no going back, not that I really have the courage to go through with it anyways. Hey, I've had feelings like that too. But what keeps me going even though things not always look bright is the fact that nothing says that things will stay the same. We can improve our situation. I'm not saying it's easy, but I think the more you pull through the better your chance of things improving. And we have to do it because defeatism in life can only lead to a bad place. On the other hand being able to go on even in dire condition makes it possible that you have potential to be in a better place. What exactly pulling through means is up to you to decide based on what you find important. >I suffer from by using all the miracle methods people tell me to do (exercise, work, alcohol, bars, etc) It's not that it's miracle. I think they are just there to not encourage destructive behaviour. It's good to get your heath pumpin, places like bars or work just make you not fall into the asocial hole. Which if you fall into you can climb out, but it's just harder. It doesn't make them a solution to your issues. They are just seatbelts to not make you fall. >maybe a solution or something will show up on the future, but right now I don't see a way out. Maybe think about it. What do you exactly want out of life? Don't worry if many things or none come to your head, it's not an easy question. It doesn't have to even be a clear or well thought one. But if you have one you could position yourself to that and work to it. Maybe when you are in bed just get cozy in it and think about it. Get something to relieve stress in case you get overwhelmed with emotion like tea or maybe even some dumb phone game, and give it a thought. Also it's finally friday! Writing this comfy from my bed myself. I wish you a happy weekend already. Kinda had a soykafty week myself. Lot of bullshit. One day I forgot to get keys to my home, fell down the bed and had chest and back pains and had to deal with other bullshit through the day. At least we'll get some rest now. See ya pal

My current job is basically the perfect role for me to educate myself, progress, get certs paid for etc, my boss is really good and is very easy to deal with, but the two other people in my office are mouthbreathing morbidly obese spastics and its a daily struggle not to scream at them to stop fuarrrking eating and talking about eating and snorting and wheezing and generally struggling to exist so loudly and try to get better at the jobs they're barely adequate at. In particular one of them is definitely a narcissist or something, she cannot stop talking about herself and her last job and her degree and that badass thing she said to the teacher in school 10 years, while she's sitting swinging on her chair not knowing how to use the tools of her job properly and taking days to do something that can be with a few minutes of work, all 250lbs of her bloated useless oxygen thief ass.

It's the flu/corona season and I'm ill again. I sit in front of my computer doing nothing but pretending I'm productive while feeling as my body temperature rises. My nose is constantly leaking warm sneeze fluid and it won't stop. If I go to sleep now, I will have a bad cough the next day. I want to be healthy and go to the university again instead of the soykafty remote classes.

I don't know how to connect with normal people on any real level. My actual social skills are fine and I have no trouble with small talk, but the small talk always feels like I'm stalling for time until we find something to bond over but that thing never comes. My experiences and interests as someone who's spent so much of his life alone on imageboards are just incompatible with someone who's led a socially active and exciting life. It's not as if I look at normal people with scorn or hatred, I've met several nice and cool people, but I just can't truly empathize with their thoughts and feelings the way I can with people I've met on imageboards, and it always feels like a large part of me is only pretending to care what they have to say.

My emotionally manipulative, mentally ill and all around toxic girlfriend of seven years broke up with me almost a year ago because I wanted to start going to bed at a reasonable hour instead of staying up until five listening to her vent about the same soykaf every night. During the relationship she isolated me from all my friends by soykaf talking me and making them hate me. Despite knowing that the relationship was very bad for me, I still miss her. How can I move on?

One of my coworkers is quitting in a week, meaning we're about to go back to skeleton-crew mode where I get to deal with asshole customers again. And my boss, for god knows what reason, is thinking we shouldn't have to hire anyone in his stead, even though we hired the guy precisely because we couldn't meet our workload with the staff we had. The only good thing is that we'll be rid of the biggest autismo I've worked with thus far. Drags his feet everywhere, yawns loudly, drums on any surface he can find, sits like L from Death Note, dresses like his mom buys all his clothes, and has the most nasally, whiny voice I've ever heard IRL.

>>50431 Hey my mom buys all of my clothes but she has excellent taste

My friend's brother is autistic, and now he makes photo edits of morbidly obese midget amputees.

>>50422 You do not miss her, you just miss having something to do, she manipulated you to not have anyone else to talk to but her. I have been in that situation before it's really tough because you believe those memories are the best you have or will ever get. My thing is to say develop interests, hobbies. Find things to build yourself into maybe Technology? Perhaps Philosophy? Anime? Video Games? Maybe find some new music things that would be of interest to you? Also do not rely on women ever and try not to let them tell you what to do, live your life for yourself not for them. Any woman that can not acknowledge you as a person does not deserve your time anyways.

I'm doing everything "right" got a permanent government job, save 2/3rds of my income, on track for a house within 2 years, getting a degree paid for by work, have a car I own outright etc. I'm going fuarrrking insane, the planet is dying and I'm stuck in a fuarrrking box 40 hours a week, doing soykaf nobody cares about, the only time I feel at piece is in nature, and I can't even do that anywhere near as often as I like with this degree about to begin. I just want to drop it all and move into the countryside, get a job doing something simple, spend my free time hiking, I hate the path I've set myself on and I don't know how to get out.

>>50440 dude, you are on they track to easy mode. I don't know how much you make, and how much money you waste, but if you own rural land and a simple house, you don't need much else, your yearly expenses could be as low as 5000 and still have a decent life. just make a budget for the rest of your life. how much do you need to save before you quit.

>>50440 >I just want to drop it all and move into the countryside, get a job doing something simple, spend my free time hiking, I hate the path I've set myself on and I don't know how to get out. You can do this, just wait a couple more years, and save up enough money.

My disconnect with normal people keeps growing bigger. No one shares my passions in anything, they never try anything new for more than 5 seconds. It is almost disgusting how they are visibly averse to new things. When I look into their eyes I see things like I can't belief this fuarrrking weirdo actually exercises consistently, likes math, has hobbies and general goals in life he wants to spend time on and improve at. God knows it is frustrating, the only common grounds I have with them is when it is something they did in childhood, but they only remain interested until I get good at that too. Soon there will be nothing but meaningless noises and drugs. Not that I don't enjoy my time with my friends, or am trying to act superior or anything. I just don't think that I should be viewed as an obsessive freak for making any progress. Frequently I stop myself from talking about new and interesting things I have learned, things that excite me only pushes them further away. I am starting to think they have a bigger chance of actually picking something up if they don't know I know anything about it.

>>50441 I don't really think so, I barely make £20k a year, I'd need at least 40k for a deposit for a place in the country, I currently have about 12k and that's saving as much as I can, even then it would be a little house in a dead end town somewhere, not a proper place out in the countryside like I really want. I just don't earn enough, but putting in the time to get the earning power is crushing me and will keep me trapped in the city if I ever get to it. I live right beside some of the most beautiful wilderness in the British Isles but live in a concrete nightmare town and its fuarrrking killing me, I finished a hike on Saturday at about 7pm and must have sat in my car not wanting to go back into the town for about 3 hours, I hate urban Ireland

I have anal fissures. It happens a few times a year, I don't know why.

>>50447 I got an anal fissure that's never actually closed itself since 2 years ago. It just keeps reopening whenever I don't sip enough water or the poopy is too big. Sad, guess it means I can't shove bad dragon dildos up my ass anymore.

Life was going well. My relationship with my partner was becoming more permanent and long term (she told me she thought about us being old together) and we have moved to live in the country of our dreams. My partner has admitted to me that she does not enjoy having sex with me. I no longer make her wet, she doesn't enjoy being stimulated, she doesn't enjoy thinking about sex, she doesn't like being touched sexually, she doesn't like being a gendered partner during sex (my interpretation), she doesn't even like kissing. The only thing she enjoys is cuddling. She says that she does find me 'attractive' and that I do 'turn her on'. The only reason we have been having sex recently is solely because she knows I enjoy it. I feel awful and confused, she does not really understand either (and says that she doesn't want to think about it or can not think about it). But should I be feeling this bad? Because I want to have more sex with my gf? It is not just this that she is confused about, she has a number of other mental health problems we have been dealing with, that are related. She got a therapist but refused to follow their advice (relating to sm addiction). We usually work through most of our problems together, though I just feel tired and worn out by it all. This was supposed to be a special year for us. I love her so dearly, she is almost perfect in nearly all aspects of her, entirely in spite of her flaws. Why must something as corporeal as sex make me feel so bad about our relationship? I hope this selfishness of mine won't lead to ill thoughts or deeds. I wish I could turn to my friends for help but they are never able to give any good advice on anything serious (they are dear friends, but I never found "That really is like kicking dead whales down the beach Lain, I wish I could say something that could help" to be of use). I really wish that we can both grow from this but I don't feel very good about myself right now.

>>50464 A friend of mine told me she used to have a similar problem, lack of interest in sex and general lethargy. It turned out she had testosterone deficiency and she had to change her diet. So it might really be physiological. Another option is that she might be a victim of childhood abuse. IME it's important to tread very carefully around that, you have to be very gentle with that stuff, and it takes a very long time. Probably the most important thing is for her to believe she can get over it. If you want sex and your partner doesn't, that's a relationship problem. You shouldn't feel selfish for wanting to have sex, it probably makes her feel bad too that you want sex and she doesn't. But it's going to take effort from both of you to make it work. If she really doesn't want to put in that effort you might consider leaving her. Sexless relationships tend to end in cheating and heartbreak.

>>50464 >Why must something as corporeal as sex make me feel so bad about our relationship? Evolutionary psychology. Believe what you want but the main purpose of being in a cross-sex relationship is to reproduce. What happens now is that your brain subconsciously tells you that you won't be able to have children with your partner. That's why it makes you sad because it wants you to leave and look for a better (reproduction-wise) partner. Simple and brutal, that's how nature works. If you don't accept the theory of evolution then you can ignore my post and resort to believing whatever makes you sleep at night.

>>50468 >If you don't accept the theory of evolution There's a a big difference between believing that species that have certain traits survive and reproduce more in some environment and thinking all our actions are linked to simple sexual motivations . Which honestly might as well not be a theory because you can explain everything with it in whatever way you want. The funny thing is that people who usually believe these theories are known for being weird outcast who don't do well socially.

>>50474 >There's a a big difference between believing that species that have certain traits survive and reproduce more in some environment That's not the substance of the theory of evolution. The substance of the theory of evolution is that organisms have different fitness and reproduce, in this process organisms having better fitness survive whereas organisms having lower fitness die out. This simple statement explains almost everything about life and how it works. That's why looking at human and animal behavior is only correct in the light of the theory of evolution. Almost every part of human behavior can be explained either as being an adaptation (behavior that supports reproducing) or an error. Especially behavior directly involved in reproduction is easy to explain by the theory of evolution - from affection and love to rape and killing another male's children, they're all just strategies that enable passing one's genes successfully. I'm not saying that emotions are unimportant, but they're a direct effect of evolution and are most probably just adaptations. >and thinking all our actions are linked to simple sexual motivations . Indirectly they are as raison d'être of all living organisms is to reproduce, but do not confuse evolutionary psychology with freudism. >Which honestly might as well not be a theory because you can explain everything with it in whatever way you want. That's not what scientific method and empiricism is about. Evolution is observable directly (rapid changes such as antibiotic-resistant bacteria, changes in animal and plant populations) and indirectly (fossils, experiments, mathematical models, computer simulations). >The funny thing is that people who usually believe these theories are known for being weird outcast who don't do well socially. Not really an argument and biologists around the world do pretty well socially. Anyway, I posted what I posted because some people get a better image of their feelings if they know where they come from. Maybe the original poster is sad for a different reason, yet I picked the (subjectively) simplest option.

>>50477 >The substance of the theory of evolution is that organisms have different fitness and reproduce, in this process organisms having better fitness survive whereas organisms having lower fitness die out. "fitness" here meaning "ability to reproduce". It's not intrinsic. You've rephrased what >>50474 said with a slightly different wording. >This simple statement explains almost everything about life and how it works. It doesn't explain why you're making an anonymous post on an imageboard. This is definitely not increasing your reproductive capacity, so why are you doing it if you are an enlightened individual? >Almost every part of human behavior can be explained either as being an adaptation (behavior that supports reproducing) or an error. Why is it then that so many "errors" like voluntary celibacy persist through so many generations? >Not really an argument and biologists around the world do pretty well socially. I think you will not find many biologists, including evolutionary psychologists, who think the thing they study is "simple". Also a lot of biologists get themselves sterilized because they don't want to raise children in a dying world. >Anyway, I posted what I posted because some people get a better image of their feelings if they know where they come from. it is important to acknowledge the animal nature of ourselves but I think you're making a sort of personification fallacy when you say 'the main purpose of being in a cross-sex relationship is to reproduce'. Evolution doesn't have "purpose", things come about because they happen to work out that way. Our base instincts don't have intent.

saying that the purpose of an organism is to increase its reproductive fitness is like saying the purpose of the planets is to orbit each other.

>>50479 >"fitness" here meaning "ability to reproduce". It's not intrinsic. You've rephrased what >>50474 said with a slightly different wording. Maybe, I'm bad at understanding what people mean by saying things. Actually the true essence of evolution is information changing in time. >It doesn't explain why you're making an anonymous post on an imageboard. In natural conditions having social contact increases one's chances of surviving, evolution hasn't predicted and can't predict imageboards. If browsing imageboards decreases my fitness, then I'm just an error in the process of evolution. Civilization creates selective pressure that eliminates people who are not adapted well to it. >This is definitely not increasing your reproductive capacity, so why are you doing it if you are an enlightened individual? Feeling lonely forces humans to maintain relationships and live in groups which increases their fitness. Something as primitive can't be overridden easily by free will just like you can't stop being hungry. >Why is it then that so many "errors" like voluntary celibacy persist through so many generations? What is "so many"? Most people do reproduce, otherwise humanity would end. If there are genes promoting voluntary celibacy, they're undoubtedly eliminated from the gene pool, thus are errors. Genes which code not participating in voluntary celibacy are promoted as we can see in everyday life. >I think you will not find many biologists, including evolutionary psychologists, who think the thing they study is "simple". The principle itself is simple, its consequences are not - this is what I mean. >Also a lot of biologists get themselves sterilized because they don't want to raise children in a dying world. Isn't this pretty much what happens to smart people generally? Not being aware of problems is a better short-term adaptation. And still scientists are an edge case - the majority of the population is people having simpler occupations. >it is important to acknowledge the animal nature of ourselves but I think you're making a sort of personification fallacy when you say 'the main purpose of being in a cross-sex relationship is to reproduce'. I wasn't clear, by "purpose" I mean "increases fitness". Human language is highly-metaphorical and is not well-suited for speaking about things having no purpose. Being in a cross-sex relationship increases the chance of reproducing, even if sex is not the main intent. It's just how it is - if you're around women, you have higher chances than someone who isn't around them. >Evolution doesn't have "purpose", things come about because they happen to work out that way. I know, I wasn't clear enough. >Our base instincts don't have intent. Depends on what you mean by "intent". Our base instincts are vital to our survival and were preserved in the process of evolution. A random process can't have intent but the base instincts surely have a function. Yeah, I should probably go outside and make friends instead of leading "debates" with strangers from the internet.

>>50481 >Maybe, I'm bad at understanding what people mean by saying things. Actually the true essence of evolution is information changing in time. By this logic having a document you rewrite is essence of evolution. It's a theory about how species adapt and change over time. Nothing more, nothing less. >In natural conditions having social contact increases one's chances of surviving, evolution hasn't predicted and can't predict imageboards. The thing is pretty much everything can be seen as benefitial or harmful to adaptability. It's a pretty weak grounds for a theory. I might say people in relationships are loyal, because that makes their bond stronger and makes sure their children will make it further in life. I can also be of support of adultry, because that has the bigger chance of spreading someone genes. And that's about a topic that's deeply linked to sexual selection. The thing is I'm pretty sure you can find someone who has a evo-psy theory about everything I did today. I just was playing a exploration game on my computer. Here you can say I've done this because it trained my mind in spatial thinking and problem solving. You can dream up to every behaviour an explanation like that and multiple too that even conflict with each other. The thing is though that I'm not a thoughtless robot and It was my choice to play that game, and I can tell you that of all the things that I weighted in my head to make the decision of spending an hour playing that instead of doing something else, I not for once did care about it's impact on my genetics. Not to say some of our behavior doesn't come from simple instincts, but we are smart enough to not be just brainless bots which behave the same way you would expect a mosquito to do. I can make decisions that aren't based on "will I get booba! will I get kids!"

>In college for a graphic design degree >Working part time on the side >Doing graphic design because hear that it's a great job if you want to just work by yourself >However as time goes on that dream starts to slowly fade away >Get anxious and nervous about my future, start to wonder if I can really "make it" >Want to just live by myself and live a life completely devoid of other people >Part time job exacerbates my misanthropy and anxiety, coworkers are all extremely obnoxious and awful in their own individual ways >Hate small talk, don't want to make small talk with any of them anyways >Feel myself crumbling and breaking down God fuarrrk I'm so anxious and nervous about the future, my dream of a comfy isolated life in some random apartment high up in the city is starting to disappear, any other graphic design lainons here? Was I being dumb and naïve and presumptuous and unrealistic? Will I be okay? Sometimes I have dreams of life completely isolated from everything else, whether that be in a lone apartment in the city, in a spaceship floating out in the deep of space, in a bunker deep below the earth, just somewhere where I don't have to deal with people anymore. It's dumb but I just don't want to deal with other people anymore, I'm just so tired of people.

>>50500 >my dream of a comfy isolated life in some random apartment high up in the city is starting to disappear Was this influenced by Anime? You could be a cool anime artist twink sissy boi, and make a lot of money, like you lived in your polycule? I don't know how old you are, and what you're interested in, but start studying something which is actually going to help you understand the world in your own unique individual way, pick the most interesting science stream for you. You may still have some time if you're young. Graphic design is just a hobby anyway, something to pass the time, and feel good about yourself while doing it. It's a dead end career path, and doesn't pay, and you learn nothing of value in those types of courses. You're just burning a hole in your wallet. At best. if you continue, you will be drawing soulless Alegria stock art for some company, and "you will be happy".

>>50480 >lainchanner comparing human life to objects/sci-fi again

How do I stop basing my self worth on my mediocre tech skills when I'm too depressed to improve them

I'm living away from family for the first time in a shared house with other graduate students. So far it's just me and three girls that have moved in. I am terrified. I didn't realise my fear of women was this bad. I'm even more of a recluse than I usually am. I saw a tampon box for the first time and didn't realise what it was.

>>50544 >How do I stop basing my self worth on my mediocre tech skills when You can base your self-esteem on your imagined skills and then improve your real mediocre skills.

>>50544 Do small projects that you can be proud of. Then, even if you feel like soykaf, you can remember your accomplishments and feel good. This isn't an easy answer, because it requires work, but if you want to feel good long term, you have to put in work. Whether it's mastery, friends, love, or wealth, you'll have to work at it, but the reward is happiness that lasts longer than any drug or escapism.

>started dating a new girl >things are going really well, she's cute and nerdy and seems into me >we start talking about anime we like >I mention Serial Experiments Lain >she goes off about how it had no real substance or plot and had nothing new to say about society >I sheepishly say I like it for the art style and atmosphere Feels bad man. I guess she just doesn't understand what it's like to be lain. >>50557 You should try to make friends with them. They might try to set you up with their friends :)

I'm trapped between two people. One person is beautiful and has a very interesting personality, but I think I've fallen in love with the idea of her more than the actual person. The other person is also very pretty and we share a lot in common, but it would feel like betraying myself to go for this person instead of the other one. If I were given the chance to be in a relationship with the second person, I absolutely would, it's just that I am completely enamored with the idea of the first person. I've thought of asking the first person out for the sake of closure, but both the idea of rejection and the idea of her reciprocating my feelings mortify me.

fuarrrk I don't know what I should do. I've been living in this trans polycule for a few months now, and one of my partners is like, abusive? She always puts on displays about her arm cutting, and it's so gross. She lets the blood seep down her arm and soykaf, like yuck. And she threatens suicide almost every week.. I mean, the sissy sex is good, I feel sooooo feminine, while I;m all in my sissy outfits, but I just don't think I can handle it anymore. What do you think Lainchan?

>>50591 You need to get the fuarrrk out of there. No sex is good enough to justify mental abuse. You’ll have no problem finding sex elsewhere, there’s no shortage of horny guys who will want to fuarrrk you in a dress.

>>50591 >>50593 agreed. There is no sex good enough to justify staying there.

>>50591 Is this you? Anyway, escape, get out of there, no sex is worth that kind of soykaf

>>48516 If you don't ejaculate from prostate you're not hitting the right spot

>>48516 not to preach , but you might be asexual , lain

>>50591 face the situation with focused judgement . only call abuse the abuse , then leave . consider reconciliation after 625 days mutually isolated from each other . please send good news if any .

wrong on four different levels by my count . I set that to log base 5 for days symbolic for the number of blinks I measure in a typically taken step . 625 days

>>50607 >>50608 Is this a bot?

>>50283 I do have a couple of plants actually. Started a year ago and it was quite fun at first. Still is, just not as interesting nowadays when I've gotten used to it.

I fell in love with someone and became his girlfriend. My first boyfriend. I had never made those kinds of promises with someone before, I believed them all. I just love him so much, he's a fuarrrking schizophrenic ibs user and degenerate. I forgave him everything all the time because he claimed to have bpd. My life did a 180, even if it was just an online relationship. I love him so much. But I don't understand, I still don't understand. How someone can tell me that he loves me, that he wants to marry me, that he would do anything for me and yet he does things like pinky promises with other girls to have sex and drool over any milf that comes his way. It's like he thinks only with his penis. I feel betrayed, what the fuarrrk am I supposed to do. I was doing everything for him, everything really. And he does this to me. I recently started to get scared to hell and started to be happy. Why do all my insecurities always become real? Why can't anyone love me like I love him? I want to give him a second chance, but I don't know whether to believe him at all anymore, I met an incredibly different side of him. I don't know what to believe anymore. I just want the pain to end. Everything I did for him was for nothing. I'm going to kill myself.

>>50591 Stop being a degenerate maybe.

>>50619 >replying to a bait Don't do this at home, kids.

>>50620 i'm nonstop crying sorry, I just want to insult someone

>>50618 gonna be harsh here. but, from what you say, it sounds like a lot of things could be your fault. BPD refers to the lack of a coherent identity, which means you hesitated to form consistent opinions (i.e. my partner likes x, y, and z, but hates d and behaves like c) if such opinions remain unstable, a person just feels constant ego death, meaninglessness, and emptiness. "schizo" often just slurs people who dissociate from urges or impulsive thoughts. Except in rare cases of deep moral failures, people dissociate due to complaints from others who hear about their thoughts. > pinky promises with other girls to have sex pretty disturbing honestly . probably struggling to get an identity so badly , they would try making you hate them to atleast get a consistently bad reputation. please don't hurt yourself . just learn and move on . I cannot imagine the likely horrifying things your partner did to you , which you have let yourself ignore or forgive and forget ( which you shouldn't have ) . I believe you invested a lot in this other person . that is good . that shows you have drive . now just start investing in someone new , like me or any potential friend . play an mmorpg to meet ppl . you'll be okay . just relax and accept the situation .

>>50621 ;-; ilu Lain . let the tears flow .

until I confirmed cannot incubate a baby in vitro idc what anyone's genitals look like ever . still , give me a womb in a future life . I like girls because kyriarchal and cyberpunk roles interest me . I like feminists because they let me have those roles . We need their verbal and psychological abuse to stop . It makes me sick , and makes me lose will to live instead of be the cute person I wish I was . the behavior I see on crystal cafe occasionally makes me wish I died long ago . It makes my resilience seem vain and rewarding for bad people . I used to think bad people couldn't exist . I want to think that way .

I wonder if any Jewish people feel suicidal looking at 4chan .

why do I do this to myself .

I haven't wanted someone to kill me so bad in months .

>>48814 Don't imply that everyone in the world doesn't have somebody to cope with your loneliness. You might wake up some day and crash hard from that metaphorical glucose overdose there. Yes you were being sardonic but the Asuka poster is bothered by normal people trying to force positivity into things and I hate it too. Normally your life is better, they hate killjoys, ergo they sell what sells and that's why they reboot things to begin with, for that large audience of sheep. If it's not free it's not made for 'you' should be a phrase at this point. >>48552 I'm tired of the USA citizens here thinking everything is a war to begin with myself.

Here's a spicy one for you >be me >world's handsomest, coolest most charismatic incel with no friends >no sex for 5 years >meet a girl taking motorcycle lessons >feminist, short hair, kind of slutty vibes, hard 5.5/10 >but she is smart / interesting and has a phat booty, plus I am a dawg >she is really into me because why wouldn't she be >get drinks a few weeks later, she invites herself back to my place, aww yeah >chill for a while, play it cool, then grab her ass and start making out on my luxurious leather couch >her pussy is mega wet for me, edge her while she tries to kiss me >hover just out of range denying her, god I am so smooth >flip her over, prone bone, spank her, moans of pleasure, damn I still got it >"wait ARE YOU RECORDING ME?!" >realize with horror that my webcam's light is on because Facetime is open from calling my parents earlier >try to explain, shook, fuarrrking around on my laptop naked >she freaks out, gets dressed, leaves On the bright side, I haven't masturbated or looked at porn since out of sheer rage, had been trying to quit for years

>>48516 Do you watch porn? Porn consumption is generally tied to homosexuality, since it leads you to search for novelty in order to get your rocks off.

>>50641 Nonsense. I watch porn regularly and nothing you describe happens. If you seek gay porn it means you're gay in the first place.

>>50645 no he's right ive been jerking off daily since I was 7 and now I'm starting to jerk it to male whales in the ocean idk why i find it hot I just do. anyways.

>>50641 Sounds made up and there's nothing to back up that statement. >since it leads you to search for novelty in order to get your rocks off. Would sound acceptable if you had just said "sexual deviance / paraphilia". In the end that always depends on how "suggestive" an individual is, for example there's a lot of manipulation going around the world of ads to make people consume, yep that high frequency they play on TV before they show you that juicy burger? People are like Pavlov's dog and they anticipate when they hear that sound which actually is being played on certain places, there's even food perfumes used on fastfood and junkfoods, and even perfumes they use over casinos to make you spend more. Even those mainstream movies that have obvious levels of "programming" people into something, mind control. The ad industry is so sophisticated that it amazes me with utter disgust that's why I use adblockers. Those who control what you see and hear, can control your fate but I would say there's something more than this, there's a lot of "endocrine disruptors" around and even plants are doing it to us for free, look at how many estrogenic plants exist but I don't know if that's actually a bad thing. I mean testosterone is destructive in nature, doesn't care and destroys the environment and is just an evolutionary mechanism that made us advantageous for surviving in the wild but since society is well-established maybe it's starting to devolve. Maybe the soy is really sentient, or actually plants are and had always been guiding us with those neurochemicals that stimulate the profound minds and hormones that make us less destructive.

>>50641 >it leads you to search for novelty in order to get your rocks off. There's certainly some truth to this. I've masturbated almost exclusively to My Little Pony porn for about a decade, and I did fall down into some weird stuff because of it. Fortunately, I've simply denied myself, and I've returned to only the normal and pure My Little Pony porn. I may still look at some of the other, but I've weaned myself by not masturbating to it, and I don't think about it when masturbating, and I'm getting close to a year sober. All people should be careful about what they masturbate with.

It's all just a little too much to handle for me at this point, I'll sum up the main factors; >Eating disorder for years now, my body is starting to give up but nothing I've tried helped — in fact I was excited to see a small increase in weight, but now I've lost both the increase and a little extra in weight again — issue being that my body seems to act strange nowadays (permanently dizzy, lightheaded, regularly pass out, always feeling cold, tired and sick, brainfog etc.) >After years of repression and failed attempts it turns out that I can't be "straight" — I don't feel any attraction towards women, at most it'll be an "oh! she looks cute, I wish I looked like that". This is a big problem because of my family which is very "anti-lgbt" meaning I'd be disowned + homeless, after first getting into a lot of trouble. >I've been battling OCD for a couple of years now too and there seems to be no escape. It usually involves repeating tasks for me "until it feels right", which can happen with basically everything really — often taking up literally days or weeks of doing nothing but repeating the one task, I want it to stop but I don't know how to >Social anxiety has also been a problem, I can't talk to people irl and get incredibly anxious when there's a chance of someone talking to me There are a couple of other things but these are the main issues that are making my life feel like a nightmare right now, all without an end in sight..

>>50641 either you suffer ignorance or you suffer misandry https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_emission#In_males encourage people to masturbate to fractals

>>50656 Forgot to mention but if anyone has any experience with these type of problems and knows how to solve them — I'm open for suggestions I really need to do something because it's breaking me both mentally and physically in a rapid rate

>>50647 >no he's right ive been jerking off daily since I was 7 Same. Your point? >now I'm starting to jerk it to male whales in the ocean idk why i find it hot I just do. You're gay and you have a weird fetish, that's about it. I think seeking extremes in porn is a symptom of deeper psychological problems like OCD, not necessarily porn by itself. Just like alcohol by itself won't make you an alcoholic who beats his wife to death, porn by itself is not enough to make you both gay and novelty-seeking.

>>50149 I don't know if you are still here checking new posts. I did confess, asked for sex casually and was kinda brutally refused. He said that he will pretend that I've never said this and asked me to promise that I won't ruin our friendship by somehow pushing him emotionally. He also received confession letter from his another friend at the same day, lol. Kinda damaged me, idk what to do.

>>50670 >I don't know if you are still here checking new posts. I kind of am. >I did confess, asked for sex casually and was kinda brutally refused. Sorry to hear that, at least you know where he stands on and that you should move on. >Kinda damaged me, idk what to do. The thing that you said yourself earlier: >I should meet another person in my life which requires time I won't have. That's it. Look for another partner, meanwhile one day maybe he will change his mind. Harsh truth is better than delusion. Sorry if my post caused you trouble. Anyway emotions are bullshit and I would kindly get rid of them if I could do that without losing my intellectual drive.

>>50673 > Sorry if my post caused you trouble don't be sorry. I am glad that person I can relate to did answer to me, thank you. > and I would kindly get rid of them if I could do that without losing my intellectual drive I wouldn't not only because of that, I still want to care about people and receive the good feelings while spending time with my friend(s) and maybe with hypothetical the other person, even in cost of depressive thoughts, it makes me feel alive.

I've been talking to this chick with a rapekink and she's really genuinely serious about it, she's given me her address and her schedule and wants me to grab her by the throat and pull her into the bushes with no warning and punch her in the breasts then fuarrrk her bare back, I'm so fuarrrking tempted to do it but I always got told don't stick your dick in crazy and this is mega super platinum level crazy, but goddamn she is hot and my dick is throbbing just thinking about her Opinions lains? I'm really stuck between common sense and my absolute horniness for this girl, she is absolutely vile and will let me do literally whatever I want with no consequences, and that is really appealing after a couple of frustrating years

>>50692 VERY BAD IDEA. Stay as far as you can from this woman.

I hate when people ignore me. I hate the world, everything is so ugly. I hate people I hate things. I hate seeing as life takes away everything I like from me. I hate seeing as everything around me changes without me. I hate emotions, I hate being limited by feeling bad. I hate aging, I hate skin, I hate being limited by my body. I hate God, if he exists for throwing me into this emotional bullshit, breakdowns, depression and everything. All this makes no sense. It is as if the only way to make people notice me is to make their lives hell.

>>50692 It's not even *that* crazy, rape fantasies are very common Do it

>>48493 I'm in constant guilt that I let myself become "broken" again. Broken the way I start having hallucinations of self harm... My hallucinations came back and I ended up having a psychotic meltdown with the love of my life, were I believed I was truely in hell and that I would be stuffed into a small room again for the rest of eternity. I'm now on a bunch of prescription soykaf drugs and now I just feel empty inside. They make me feel slow and broken. Everyone who had respect in me is treating me like a broken dog. I ruined a bunch of friendships and I think I lost the trust of my family. I'd been handling hallucination my whole life without telling anyone on my own, and the delusions, but they got really really powerful as I was getting stressed out. Started having self harm visions. I'm a bit of a train wreck, and not trying to think about something I thought of doing and now it's really bothering me everyday. I can't make this memory go away and I just want to feel again, but I'm so empty inside or I just feel shame. Let's all love Lain

>>50704 >My hallucinations came back and I ended up having a psychotic meltdown with the love of my life, were I believed I was truely in hell and that I would be stuffed into a small room again for the rest of eternity. Did you believe that you were some kind of magical prophet, in order to fantasize away the stress that you were experiencing, and then you became crazy? How did you know that you were "truly in Hell"? Isn't this life that we are experiencing right now with all of the COVID containment much like being stuffed into a small room for eternity? It's unlikely that the elites would ever wish to give up their COVID cash cow. Or is it completely offensive to ask you these questions?