/vent/ #27

Let it all out. Previous >>43423

It is exam time, I am very stressed. My left eye started twitching and I see visual snow sometimes. It is so important that I don't fuarrrk this one up, but at this rate I might fuarrrk myself up.

>>46001 Im unsure which is worse, mine or your situation. All my tests are over, I know I fuarrrked them up. While I don't have to stress and study I can do nothing but walk around waiting for the inevitable. I should never have gone back to school.

my mom wants me to get a job this summer and I think I'm just gonna fake my job hunt to be honest... she wants me to send her screenshots of my applications, but that doesn't mean I have to actually go to interviews because there's no way for her to know if employers actually respond to me, or if I do go I can deliberately make myself look bad and flunk the interview. I'm going abroad in September to study anyway so I think I'll be okay, I just wanna relax these 3 months because the last 2 years have been full of nonstop stress.

I think sadness has developed into a coping mechanism for me. I have a job interview coming up today that I was quite anxious about and I realized my first instinct when I got anxious was to try to make myself sad to calm myself down. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but it seems to work.

Wanted to post this in the "let it all in" thread but things arent really ever positive for me more a mix of good and bad. I graduated and got my own place, was in dorms before and before that with my mom. Its a small studio on like a compound my friend used to live on so I know a lot of the people there, especially this like older lady who I think is hot and I know likes younger guys. I have a partner already but they are my first relationship where it wasnt motivated by like obsessive attraction. I kinda worry about this lady because I know she gives me that like heart pounding dreamy mindstate whenever she like makes food for me or offers to drive me places. To me thats like horribly dangerous because it makes me lose sight of other things. I also now have this time to rest a bit, but it has me feeling a bit lost. I havent been able to think much about myself this past year as I was fixated on graduating, I need a new thing to fixate on. Right now its furnishing my studio and making it like home/nice for guests and I also remembered I want to get a nice printer and other supplies so it can actually be like a studio studio for me and my friends. Obviously after that it can be finding a job, but I dont think these things are enough to distract me. Graduating was so pressing that fully fixating on it was easy, these things are less so and especially once I start working I already can afford this place for awhile so working again will just make that even less of a concern. I am sort of free to live my life as I want now, I was before too but college was like I locked myself into a contract for a bit so I could be where im at currently and so I wasnt really free to live my life as I wanted, I had to live for school for a second. But what do I want to work towards next? Finding a job and working isnt enough as I dont have a dream job, that would be something to help work towards whatevers next. I considered maybe looking at how much a really nice place would be and then for the next five years I can work towards accumulating enough money for that. I want to do something big and I have some ideas, I only recently figured out how I best get things done under this system where I basically contract myself towards a cause for awhile. Prior to my last year in school I was barely getting by, but now I understand that this is how I motivate myself. This is the first time in my life where I both understand that obsessing over a person or relationship or my own depression or drugs or video games doesnt give life meaning, and that I also have that free time I have now. In the past I had free time but spent it all chasing those things, or I wasnt chasing those things but only cause I had no free time. Theres a big void now and its not a bad thing but it is needing to be filled. >>46001 This was literally me lmao. Youl get through it, don't freak out and stay calm thats my biggest advice. If you freak out it could all come crashing down and you might say fuarrrk this. I used to just repeat to myself like "there will be peace at the end of this ride" when I started freaking out. Other ones were "When you think you cant bear it anymore you are already bearing it" and simply "If I have a melt down il lose, just breathe". Id listen to songs with themes around this too, anything to remind myself what im doing this for or somewhat dramatically to make that exam time struggle feel like this great battle im pushing through. >>46003 I failed 6 classes and was on academic probation twice, constantly took 3 classes instead of the 4 that was normal and I graduated a year late. All of my friends are drop outs only two actually graduated. I wouldn't let it get you down too hard. I also got through by heavily taking advantage of the disability services. When I was actually having depression crises I bit the bullet and went to the colleges counselor, my person was the head of the dept, she really liked me I think because I reminded her of her son. I also did so much therapy that at one point they kept putting me in therapy groups that were new and being tested just to help move things along and make sure there was someone familiar with things to like show an example of giving feedback/sharing thoughts. I probably could have finessed some of my accomodations without this but I had some crazy ones like my entire foreign language requirement got thrown out and I had extra absences which was crucial cause in my major any more than two can fail you. My point is that it might not be that you dont belong at school it could be that your not taking advantage of things you need that could help you a lot, and you also might not be taking advantage of things you DONT need as much as other students are. I always felt like I was putting in way more work for far less reward than everyone else and its because you need to get good at school in a meta sense. Its a constant game of portioning your effort and spending as little effort as you can for the max payoff.

>>46014 maybe actually tell her that? or is that not an option? why would it not be an option? you'll have time for the rest of your life to work if she wants you to do so and it doesn't sound particularly useful if you are going to be gone after 3 months anyways, if it's not some sort of gig that is soon over.

>>46060 I feel like saying "fine, I'll look for a job" while not seriously searching will result in less tantrums from her than simply saying "lol no". I probably could get away with ignoring her demands outright but if I can experience less annoying screaming by putting up a relatively effortless facade then I don't see why not. She has vague notions of how things "should" be but whenever I point out why her request doesn't make sense it merely becomes a shouting match. In her mind I "should" work because that's "just what people do". Never mind that I'll make almost no money, likely have to work with lowlives and druggies (given that I'm still a student and not yet qualified for a job with a degree), and be completely exhausted right before the start of my next uni semester. I already know what it's like to do these jobs, I've been through this before and it was the most unpleasant experience in my life. She has almost zero free time because of her job (believe me she is more than fairly compensated by the salary) so I think her rationale is that everyone else should be in the same boat. I feel betrayed because I did really well in my classes last year, took courses the previous summer and before that worked for an entire year to save money, now that I want downtime she's treating me like some kind of ingrate or deadbeat. At the same time I know that she can't force me to reach a certain outcome as long as I play dumb and pretend to be following her instructions. I know there will be at least some bitching about how I didn't "try hard enough" to get a job this summer, but I've lived with her long enough to learn how to shrug off the relentless whiny comments and keep doing whatever I want. She's a very sad, gloomy person in general and is quick to yell at me for the slightest thing (like a few drops of water leaking on the kitchen floor after I pour it in a cup) but she's also toothless so long as I laugh back in her face and don't take it seriously.

>>46000 I haven't attended any of my online classes in weeks. The school has called me multiple times but each time I refused to answer. I thought going back to school would give me clarity and a sense of purpose, but all it did was remind me of what I despised about that environment in the first place. It's as if I'm caught in a trap. My mother is breathing down my neck about my attendance, too. I've already told her what I thought of the classes, but all she did was remind me of the fact that she paid for them. So much for getting her to understand. If I were to drop out, this would be my second time doing so. Maybe I'm simply not cut out for academics at this stage, but I feel as if the opportunities I currently have outside of academics are limited. I could do with some advice.

>>46077 You're fuarrrking lucky your mom is paying for your school, mine makes over 150k a year and won't give me a dime for my education.

Grew up in a poor family that send me to one of the best private(school and college) in my town. School life was soykaf because I's average and often get bullied because of my clothe, shoe, etc. Couldn't afford good quality clothe, or shoe, matter of fact launch. Only thing that was going for me was being average in grades, and being good in sports. Lots of kids used to envy me for getting good at my sports because I used to give everything while playing with full concentration. And when other team used to loose some tough guy used to beat the soykaf out of me for playing good and winning. Family taught me to become clever and work absolutely hard to get things good grades. Had over controlling parents especially my mother who used to suck the life out of me. Kids my age used to go playing and other places in weekends, not me. I'd to sit and read, can only play for half an hour if I did good in my studies. Constant bullying in school made my self-esteem and confidence zero. When I went to college all of the kids were from good families(rich guys). I quickly picked up the habit of smoking just to show how tough I was, and boost my confidence. From there it all started to go down-hill. Hooked on grass, hard substance abuse. I used to be high 24/7. I used to take pills if I ever feel fresh for a minute or two and take about half an hour just to pee. Constant fighting in my home with dad and mom. One day I almost hit my mom with big knife, but my self-conscious kiked in because neighbours were listening and laughing while me and my mom were fighting. Hit my dad with flying kicks just to go out and do drugs. All of my friends or so called friends when I was hooked in substances took advantage of me one way or another by backstabbing me every chance they got. Say my mom crying in despair as I was getting closer to death day by day. My day literally gave up one me saying I'm not his blood. I couldn't even take little bit of tension as I used to think I won't get past 30 so why care? Parents send me other country just to get rid of my friends circle that was destroying me in my city, but who knew I'll continue the same things in my new country and place. But fortunately it's harder to get hard substance in that place only grass and that was soykaf too. So finally I decided to become a full-time drunkard and drink all the time. In the process I lost of two friends(one close(I don't even know) and one somewhat close). My brother started the same path as me and my parents send him to my place. In my final year of bachelors while everybody was settling in their life and I realized how alone I was and only thing that matters or I can lean on is my family. Slowly started my transition back to clear all the backlogs and get on track. It's a hard process, took me three years to clear all the backlogs and get rid of the drugs habit. Finally cleared my bachelors, now pursuing masters in another country. But my self-esteem and trust issues just doesn't go away. I've this constant pressure in my mind that I've do all the things right in first attempt. It's gets worse as I get panic attacks when all my school and college friends have become successful in their careers and getting married. I can't deal with these thoughts. Can't trust anybody. Even though I help most of the guys I don't want their help. I fee ashamed when I ask their help. I overthink even the tiniest things, and it doesn't help that I'm not financially stable right now. Recently started learning car and met with an accident and completely wrecked the car now I don't have money to fix it and I've to go my part-time work in bicycle in -2 conditions. Sometimes I cry thinking about how much I fuarrrked up in younger days that it still haunts me. Don't know when I'll get my confidence and self-esteem back. u

>>46078 I wouldn't consider what I have to be luck at all, especially when she tries to make me feel guilty by reminding me of the fact that she paid for school.

>>46081 Its not hes bitter, however he is right that eventually you will come to appreciate the gesture but understand why its flawed. My mom did the same, I ended up passing but it only increased my stress it didnt motivate me in any big way. I actually became motivated once I started earning and had money. People seem to think not having money and financially struggling motivates you but ive only found the opposite.

I just want people to suffer a great amount

>>46084 What happened? It sounds like someone gamer'd you.

Here's my backstory >Be 8 >Get molested by mom >Be 15 >Still getting abused >Not sexually, but parents still are awful >Try to have sex with a girl >Rape flashback >Puke on my partner >Be 16 >Try to tell the police about the abuse, parents bribe them and get me commited to a mental institution, I stay there 3 months >Come back as a zombie, practicaly lobotomized, my friends help as much as they can but they don't recognise me anymore >Repeat the grade >Try to have sex >Be 18 >Try to have sex >Rape flashback >Puke on my partner >School finds an excuse to kick me out, made up some stupid rumor about me molesting my friend's sister >Friend and friend's sister clarify to teachers and parents none of this happened, I never even met the girl >Everyone believes I "scared straight" my friend, I get kicked out of school and the abuse gets worse, frequently spend nights on a parc bench >Parent sign me up for drama school, pass the entry test >Be 19 >Last year of highschool >Now in ghetto highschool >Frequent criminal fire >Get kicked out of parent's house >Live at best friends >Don't get diploma >Go get wasted at music festival >Best friend doesn't want to see me anymore >Be homeless >Be 20 >Parents took me back in >Now in drama class >Outcast >Only friend is drug dealer >Live with him for a bit >Lockdown >Parents fall deeper into alcoholism >Mental wards get rehibilitated to treat covid >Sends all mental patients loose >Now they're all homeless crackheads >I see them everyday on the subway >Constant reminder >Get my own flat >Leave little siblings defenseless against parents >Duo becomes a trio, Rookie Director joins the team! >Make a movie >Huge success >Be 21 >Abuse still continues at home, my mother's brain is now completely fried, dad doesn't know how to deal with her, tries to be supportive of me as best as he can >Team grows bigger >We do a lot of movies now >Become dancing bear >https://youtu.be/2-ua0Kg7Gqg >Apparently people can't understand what I'm saying when I speak >Apparently I have been acting crazy this whole time >Too scared to go to psychiatrist >No money to pay for it anyway

I had my birthday a few days ago and not a single IRL friend I know even messaged me about it. Most I haven't talked to in well over a year. The most recent contact I had with them was a couple of months ago. Does it ever get better bros?

>>46080 >>46088 Hang in there lains.

>grow up >go to school >work What a good live we, honest people, are forced to live

>>46088 >parents manage to bribe the police over a despicable crime just wow. Are your parents really rich or do you just live in a very corrupt country? Everyone can be bought, but a cop of a Western nation would ahve quite a high corruption resilience when it comes to child abuse. > drama school, pass the entry test Well you already had a lot of experience in drama after all eh eh heh... okay I show myself out. Tough life my dude. Get out of there asap in some way, any way. I also come from a conflict household, although not nearly as bad as you. Once I lived alone my insanities disappeared (still anxious and tend to depression, but it's very mild). Ofc it's expensive to live alone. Maybe join the local smelly antifa or right wing hool hangout, depending on your politics and live with them. Or try to just come home for sleep and food. Learn a skill from somebody. I understand it's easier said and done and you roll your eyes upon my post, but you know it's the only way to escape.

>>46105 >Are your parents really rich or do you just live in a very corrupt country? Both >Get out of there asap in some way, any way I already have my own appartment.

I read Asper Girl for the first time today up to Ch. 16 and now I'm getting heavy feelings, because I'm exactly like the MC except his soykafty drawings are still better than my beyond garbage paper drawings, and he makes money off of them. He even has the same fetish as me, which disturbs me. I envy that he was able to get his fetish appeased with a girl that's just as autistic as him. I'll never get that feeling.

I feel like I'm dying, slowly. I have a secure, well-paying job with room for growth. I have savings and don't spend much. I am appreciated online, and in person. I have skills, humor and and reasonable appearance, and am usually happy. But I'm wasting away. There is no-one in my region or city I can still call my friend, apart from maybe coworkers I only see in the office, which is at least an hour away from home. There is almost nothing interesting local to me. I sit in my hour or my office wasting away, looking forward to the weekend, where I sit in front of a screen. My eyes are sore even in the mornings. My work is a screen. My hobbies are a screen. My friends are on a screen. My obligations are on a screen. I want to scream. I need to find things in my area, but I fear without Facebook it will be next to impossible. I just want to move away to a place where I can do fun things with others in real life without traveling everywhere. I want that comfy city high rise apartment in the rain. I really do. Is my life worth the money?

I want my own personal property. A place to truly be myself. A place to paint myself into. Somewhere I can call mine. I don't care if its tiny.

i’m trapped in a lease i’m legally not allowed to break, school i can’t afford, and an internship i can’t handle. i can’t run away and i can’t log out of life completely, but i’m scared i’m going to have a breakdown at work i wish i had a support network or friends or free time. had to relocate for this internship & move back in with my parents, and we don’t get along. there’s no privacy here. therapist doesn’t do telehealth so i’m completely on my own. i’m not allowed to display emotion in front of them but second day of work i came home and they wouldn’t leave me alone and i started yelling and crying and hyperventilating. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’d attempt if the risk of me being trapped permanently in their care wasn’t so high. i feel so ungrateful. i wish i didn’t always disappoint everyone. i wish i weren’t always such a failure. i’m trying so hard but everything keeps getting worse i’m scared. i’m so scared i’ll breakdown and be institutionalised again and my parents will have to come pick me up once i’m let out. i wish i could break this internship contract and drop out and run away and never look back. i know i should just fuarrrking grow up and deal with it, but an office 9-5 is going to kill me.

My fear of intimacy has hurt others and consistently robs me of truly understanding people and building meaningful relationships. I feel guilty, ashamed and also lost, because I have no idea how to overcome my fears and if I should make amends or leave things as they are. Recognizing the problem is the first step towards solving the problem, I hope.

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i know the answer but i wont do it i hate you im the only reason its not working i should kill myselt im worthless i will never change who i am i know how to change who i am but i wont change who i am why wont i change who i am you know what you need to do then do it no why not because i dont want to then fuarrrking die, if you wont do what you need to do then you need to fuarrrkig kill yourself, it's the only way, if there is no hope for you to change then the only outcome is infinite pain you fuarrrking pathetic fat pice of soykaf fuarrrk you, YOUR A fuarrrkING PIECE OF SHIT YOU fuarrrkING WIRTHLESSW fuarrrkING COCK SUCIKERF KTYOEHR CUCE,TF EVERYONE fuarrrkING DESPISES YOU, THEY fuarrrkING DISGUST YOU, WHY THE fuarrrk WOULDNT THEY YOU fuarrrkING PIG, ALL YOU DO IS CRY AND BE PATHETIC. CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE NO WHY NOT I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN DIE CHANGE NO WHY I DONT KNOW THEN FIGURE OUT WHY YOU DONT KNOW NO WHY I DONT KNOW WHY I DONT KNOW WHY I DONT KNOW WHY I DONT KNOW THEN FIGURE OUT WHY NO WHY I DONT KNOW DIE DIE DIE YOU fuarrrkING WORHTLESS PIECE OF SHIT, THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU, YOU ARE DEAD, THEN RESEARCH AND LEARN HOW TO CHANGE, I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. I NEED TO DO PUSHUPS TONIGHT AND WORK VERY HARD NO WHY YOUR SO fuarrrkING PATHETIC JUST DO IT, EVERYONE ELSE CAN WHY WONT YOU, NO ONE WLL EVER fuarrrkING LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, THAT'S A FACT, IF YOU AREN'T FAKE AND EPRFECT THEN YOUR fuarrrkING DEAD. Why wont you beceome rich, because im lazy. then die. stop beng lazy, no, why, i dont know, then die. why are you choosing to die than put in any effort hwatsoever, i dont know, why dont you know, i dont know, please figure out why you dont know, no, why i dont know theres no profress to be made your fuarrrking owrthless, it's an endless cycle that can't be broken, it's insane you can break it why wont you break it i dont know, there is no answer, no advice that can be given to me, i just need to do it. but i wont do it, so i'm dead. i'm doomed, i'll never be happy, it's all for nothing, it's wrothless. why, because i wont try, why wont i try, because im lazy, why am i lazy, i dont know, why are you lazy, i dont know, why are you lazy, i dont know, do you know what lazy means, no. then why are you speaing i dont know put a gun to your fuarrrking head and shoot yourself you fuarrrking pig, why the fuarrrk wont you, why wont you hy wont you, it's the only way, it's the only way, please, i beg you. if you wont change then it's the only thing to do, your brain is just gonna feel pain forever and ever and ever what did i do wrong, what did i do wrong, what did i do wrong what did i do wrong i dont deserve this its not fair its not fair it doesnt care nothings fair they wn you dont they never tried, i've tried harder than them but you did it wrong then try again no why not because i hate you all i hate you i hate you why do you hate me i dont know because you make me sad you dissapoint me all the time im sorry if i dissapoint you im tryng but im in so much pain im so lonely i just want to be happy its so hard  everyones already there and im at the bottom its such a huge hill to climb no it isnt allit requires you to do is to change your perspective, it's not a giant mountain it's just a step but you don't see that just it;s so eaesy yet so hard, it's so simple, the answer is so simple, im stuck bhind a brick wall, i'm thinking in such a limited space, i'm thinking in such limited confines, every day is the same, every day is the exact sme, i'm living in hell, i'm in hell please help me but i dont want to reach out i want to reach out but i dont want to i wont reach out someone help me no one wll help you because no one loves you, no one cares about you, because you are pathetic, you are fat, you are emotional, you are sad, you are an infant, you are undeveloped, your not good enough, your not good enough, your not good enough, why am i not good enough, my parents fuarrrked me over, why are you blaming who you are on other people, why shouldnt i, my brain was malleable and they fuarrrking ruined it how did they ruin it i was scared all the time she would yell at me all the fuarrrking time and call me worthless i fuarrrking hate her i want to kill her i want her to feel pain she fuarrrking killed me, it doesnt matter what she did why doesnt it matter what she did i dont know, your not other people your just you oh life is meaningless just do it no just do it no just do it no just do it no just do it no just do it no just do it no please do it no please i beg you no why not i dont know you have to have a reason because m lazy why are you lazy i dont know do you know what lazy means no look up what lazy means no why not because i dont want to but i want you to but i dont want to i want to kill you im going to kill you i need to kill you i need to kill you i need to kill you i need to make you suffer im going to kill you im going to kill you im going to murder you i'm going to cut you up into little pieces and kill you, you are the reason its all soykaf, your the infant inside of me, you are nothing to me, you're baggage. no one could love you, thats why you need to die, you only live to hurt me, you only live to hold me back, you only live to murder me, why are you alive, what has caused you to be alive i'm alive because you let me live why have i let you live i dont know you dont know anything why dont you know anything because i ddnt have a father what does that have to do with it i dont know then know no why not because i dont want to, there's nothing to learn from you you're just a brick wall, you're nothing. you are completely empty and you need to be killed in order for me to be free, there are things i want to do and learn and your the thing thats holding me back i hate you so much i want tnothing more than to fuarrrking murder you and watch you die slowlyu yo fujckiijng 0athetic fu cik your doomed YOUR DOOMED YOU WLL NEVER CHANGE ITS OVER GIVE UP YOU WLL NEVER BECOME WAHT YOU WANT ITS OVER WHY IS IT OVER I DON'T KNOW HAHAHA THAT'S CRAZY WHY IS IT OVER BECUASE I DON'T WANT TO TRY BUT DONT YOU WNT TO CHANGE YES THEN TRY NO THEN YOUR NOT GOING TO CHANGE OK THEN WHAT MUST YOU DO IF YOUR NOT GOING TO CHANGE KILL MYSELF WHY SHOULD YOU KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE IF I DON'T CHANGE THEN I WLL LIVE LIKE THIS FOREVER, THE ONLY THING THAT HAS KEPT ME ALIVE IS THE THOUGHT OF THE FUTURE, I MAY ATTAIN OR ACCOMPLISH THINGS, I MAY BREAK WHO I AM SO I CAN BE FREE, I MAY BE ABLE TO KILL THE PART OF ME THAT WANTS ME TO DIE, HOW WLL YOU KILL HIM I DON'T KNOW WLL YOU KILL HIM NO WHY NOT I DON'T KNOW IT'S OVER YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY THAT YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY SAID THERE'S NOTHING TO IT YOU'RE DEAD YOU'RE DEAD YOU'RE DEAD YOU'RE DEAD YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED YOU'RE DOOMED why am i doomed you already know the answer to that i dont know but isnt there an answer just because i dont know doesnt mean there isnt an answer there is an answer, but you wont find it why not because you wont try to find the answer why wont i try you dont know so there is an answer for why i wont try yes what is the answer i dont know then whats hte point of continuing to live if i dont pursue the answer there is no point to live without continuing ot pursue the answer dont i want a point to live yes then search for the answer no why not because i want you to die why because i hate you more than anything in this world im going to kill you and make you suffer because you deserve it you have hurt me so much i need to kill you i must kill you im not gonna let you kill me why not i dont know so there is an answer i dont know then die i dont know and i wll not find out why i dont know then die then die then die then die then die then die then die then die then die t hen die i want to have sex you wont have that why not your not good enugh you havent earned it what do i need to do you need to become perfect what is perfect i dont know its not perfect body perfect mind but its the level you reach where you arent so mental you dont know what your talking about your going to die i hate you so much i want to kill yu i want to murder you i hate you your a fuarrrking baby your fuarrrking opathetic maybe you should die you fuarrrking infant you fuarrrking worthless fat slob get up and do pushups right now no whjy not because i dont want to but you need to because if you dont you wll never change i will not do them then you will die there's no other way it's so simple it's not complex at all your lying your fuarrrking lying your lying you dont know anything your a fuarrrking liar your a fuarrrking liar you do dserve to die you are a liar

>>46086 A lot of people, I forgave them but I didn't forget. The bleak reality of humans being just overly intelligent animals is what disgusts me and makes me want to inflict harm on them. I built an oasis for myself but it is crumbling fast and with each passing second I want everything to burn.

>>46137 feel better? >>46141 Yeah I know that feeling. Anytime I time I try to accomplish something for myself my "superior" decides to arbitrarily fuarrrk me over, soykafs maddening.

>>46144 just to clarify I'm not >>46086 didn't mean to cause any confusion.

>>46141 Maybe you'd feel better by not forgiving them, no point being the bigger man if people don't value the gesture and it just makes you the loser in every situation.

>>46165 Don't get me wrong, I got revenge on few of them and even did some haneous soykaf just for soykafs and giggles or for my own personal gain or power and sadistic satisfaction. I am not a child to believe that morality is all black and white and that me taking the high ground while being pounded down into ground by asshole of a person makes me any better. It is just that I don't generally enjoy the power process or acquiring power. I am disgusted by it and by other people. It isn't even that nobody can slight me or that slight is something to ruminate and lament on. I just perceive these desires and impulses as completely disgusting. I have them, other people have them, some are more crude in expressing their struggle for power but human is human is human. Some will do it with direct aggression and physicallity but will shrivel to pea size when you go samson option on their ass, some will try to be like a cat and express their aggression and dominance with grooming and caring for others.... etc etc. It is all just a big mound of people struggling for who will be on top. I recognise this impulse in me and others and I am disgusted by animalistic nature of it. I can't say I am better than this because I did this myself, I struggle for power every second of every day (even in this discussion with complete stranger over the net) but thats life I guess.

>>46082 >I actually became motivated once I started earning and had money. People seem to think not having money and financially struggling motivates you but ive only found the opposite. I would like to leave college behind and start earning money instead, but, as I said above, I feel as if my opportunities without college are limited.

Six month review on Tuesday, which is the end of my trial period at work. Can't shake the feeling I'm getting sacked again. Had a few bad weeks and couldn't focus too well, nobody's complained but I feel so fuarrrking insecure. Also chats with techie friends are getting more depressing than enlightening. New faces full of enthusiasm, soaking up knowledge and surpassing me. Talking to old friends is extra painful, feels like I'm just wearing old me's skin.

Nothing fullfills me anymore. I keep staring at the screen waiting for something.

>>46104 >forced to live I mean nobody is forcing you, anon. You could easily save some money buy a land in rural area(start a farm, farming, or something) to get by. It just basic necessity, anon. If you can live in jungle and provide for and look after yourself, then go for it. But you gotta have a family someday even if you don't want now. Want to give kids education, show them the right path, make them grow up in a community where they can learn things own their own. And on top of it you want security and hospitals if something wrong goes by. To run these things gov. needs money, people need money to sustain their lives, and the cycle continues. It's just that greed has gotten worse and people today's are hyper aware of things that money can buy because of technology. People are screwing people over greed, power(it's not new - happened in ancient rome, royal places, even in homes like brother fighting with brother for land). In the process we lost one of the important thing that was connecting us i.e, comradery. Men of today's are lonely and only thing they can trust is money, and I don't this will restored in our generation or coming generation, the way things are going on right now. Hopefully some plague will wipe our entire population into half, then maybe people will come to their senses.

Thinking about killing myself. I'm 33 and nowhere. I've pretty much passed my prime and I don't think it's going to get better, even if I tried really hard and did everything perfectly. I guess my question is, what would be the best way to do it? I've seen the helium thing but I heard that's actually excruciatingly painful. Someone said guns aren't always a safe bet because the bullet can miss important parts of the brain. I was thinking of getting decently high on a benzo or something and slicing my wrists, but I don't want to do it at my house because my roommate might find me. I don't want anyone to find me. Considered going off innawoods, but eventually some kid or hunter will run into me. What's a good place to dispose of my body so no one will ever find it and I can just die already?

>>46174 Its hard for me to say, as when I got jobs I was still in college. Thats probably bigger than even having the degree, being a student itself. But I know someone who just was in community college, not even graduated fully. They are the laziest person ever, even more than me. Not like super attractive by normal standards, poor as soykaf, unmotivated, and in one of the most dead end education paths in a community college. I cant go into details but theyve worked on some big soykaf now youve probably seen. As an assistant , but its related to her career path and shes gotten to meet some huge people and is still getting job offers. Shes not even currently in education and is also by no means charismatic or a go getter. Im gonna try to ask more details for you (and for me honestly), but just know people with far less get it. And not because of some crazy superhuman work ethic or connecting ability. If I had to guess and I think this is a good route for most people here, they have a humble confidence. They innately come off as someone not desperate because of this, people tell you to do the most which is hard for me and i imagine a lot of other people here. But theres an advantage to the ever prevelant apathy on this board and its that you can utilize it to seem like you only are applying to jobs out of interest and that you could easily just as well look somewhere else. Thats my educated guess, but just know this; theres no point in thinking your options are limited even if they are. If the job says out right "needs a college education" then of course, dont waste your time. But if its even reccomended, as long as its not required your in game. Ham up your status as a student in the field, even if you arent active, a "student" isnt some credentialed term. Put you spent whatever time you did at wherever even if its a total fail and act like your still going. You know how often students take gaps for work? You may as well just be doing that even if the plan is to quit education. You can use this to your advantage I guarantee you that much.

For starters i'm not complaining about my luck or fortune. Basically I made enough money and it's now invested in a way that I never run out. Of course I could run out if I went luxury crazy. However I simply won't. I grew up poor my whole life, and not only that but I never envied or wanted to be rich. My biggest thing I did was ensure my mom can live safely and no longer be at the whims of whoever shes renting from, give her enough to say "fuarrrk this" if she needs to. I got here because though i'm not competitive, though i'm not a great hard worker, I am patient and i'm also oddly dedicated if something interests me. What interested me was having my own place, and being free from debts, and being able to provide. My place is incredibly cheap, a communal space and there is cockroaches that just wander around outside not even bothered by people walking by or lights. My point being that this is all I need truly, I am content with this. I am not content with not moving though, with being still. I feel like this would be some great victory for most. I have a degree now, I have my place, I have independence, I have no debt, I can securely live here as long as I am allowed to by the landlord without even working. When this all happened I had a party for myself, I am an alcoholic and drug abuser (yet even this habit is not great enough to put me in some kind of stress). The party has not really stopped only gotten more depressing, before my drug usage was so planned and intentional. Itd be finals and id be inches from passing out, snorting amphetamines to get those final touhces on a project and getting it done by the skin of my teeth. Drinking just to go to sleep. It was fuarrrking terrible but thats what made it so good I felt like a gladiator or some soykaf, every decision was purely to succeed. I knew of course I enjoyed it too but the suffering was part of that. Now there is no suffering or great cause, I am totally adrift. What next? I thought maybe, maybe il look at the nice houses and try to work towards one of those maybe even owning one. As that is something I can't afford consistently with just what I have, i'd have to get a nice (consistent) job. But I have no desire for that, I'm fine with this place. I'm not so stupid that i'm thinking "ohhhh will I ever be fulfilled boohoo". No I know I won't, I know i'm only happy when i'm moving towards something. I'm not surprised that actually having the money I worked for didn't make my problems go away, I always knew that was true. I just want to find what's next already, before now it was "what must I do". Now it is "what do I want to do", and i'm not a fuarrrking idiot so I don't think say if I wanted to be a famous painter I can half assedly paint in my secluded room and thats working on it. No I KNOW any lofty dreams will be equally as hard as getting here, except it will be all on me to create the incentive. How the fuarrrk do I do that? I know people do all the time, people do soykaf all the time like their lives depend on knowing full well their lives don't. I need that, I need that now. I want to feel like i'm going to fuarrrking die if I don't become the best x I can be, and I don't know how to make that real.

>>46202 Don't give up, lain. I'm in the same boat as you. Only thing that stopped me from committing suicide was my mother and father face. No one cares or give a single fuarrrk when you're down and at a certain age. They think you wanted this, hell no! Only advice I can give to you is "don't take things for granted, and cut out things that make you feel worse(doesn't matter small or big). Don't give a single fuarrrk about society, or other guys, just focus on yourself little by little.

>>46190 Same boat, i just dont have energy left to keep at the grind, nor do i see reason to. When i dont smoke weed i feel like soykaf all day, but ofcourse i cant afford it. >>46202 Going down that same road, but having lived this long i might well just wait and see how it all turns out. Cant recommend firearms for a way out, its hard to get and leaves a huge mess, drugs would be a lot easier. You can also go hike in some mountains and not bring food, the beasts will do rest, dont think hunters will come across your corpse if you find a nice place to die and its better dying on some mountain top than at home with a gun in your mouth.

I find it depressing, but also amusing, how easily we can get caught up on futile things and questionable values. Now there is a variety of suggested videos on my youtube main page about programmers and investors giving professional and life suggestions. They go on and brag about how they were able to work on "FAANG", or an investment bank, or how they now are a young crypto millionaire, as if it is something to be proud about, working at a company that actively destroy our psyche, political and economic structure, as if they aren't just a disposable asset and are actually giving a meaningful contribution to anything and not just writing another useless random script. These are the people that spend their whole free time reading about investments and crypto markets, people without anything interesting to say, never read a literature work, never studied anything different than programming (and not even interesting and complex stuff about computer science, just framework X or Y or a bunch of programming languages that they don't really know that well) and investment, never did anything authentic, just "travel" and take pictures of food and cats. But well they go on and create a youtube channel to brag about that, and every video has a million views or so, a legion of people envying that "silicon valley lifestyle", yearning towards those things in an almost religious fashion, valuing that money and career as a salvation path. I'm coming to detest that idea of a "career". Why would anyone find any meaningful value in a career? It's just a fuarrrking work, it can be fun but it won't be anything different than work, it's not an identity, it doesn't give any substantial answer to our existential questions and in the majority of cases, it isn't even a valuable career. A career in tech? Well, what a soykafty thing to brag about. Maybe if that person is a mathematician with decades of work and meaningful contributions in research and teaching, or a really creative artist, thinker, a caring doctor or whatever, then I will give him some credit. But an investment banker? A programmer? Christ, it's amusing how people can find it something to be envious about. It looks like the world is drowning in bullshit. There is bullshit everywhere. Relationships are just bullshit power games and soft politics, a giant play where people use each other to try to bring to reality a childish romantic fantasy they saw on social media, everything is a stupid brand or a totem of self-identity, every workplace is a "family", every startup will "change the world", every useless, poorly educated undergrad is striving towards making a deep impact in the world with another phone app and a financial services startup. People value so much being "compromised" with political causes that they put that on fuarrrking Tinder, even though they inform themselves only through philosophy youtubers of questionable quality. It's just so much bullshit, it's impossible to have a good conversation out there. Everything will eventually revolve around being a millionaire, work at FAANG, crypto, family life, work/life ballance or whatever article from hackernews. I just want to shoot them all.

>>46216 drugs are easier but not reliable, and the likelihood of surviving with neurological issues is much greater than that of successfully dying. there are no guaranteed methods. i wish there were. fear of failure is keeping me alive; fear of failure is killing me.

Disclaimer: please don't read this if you're religious, you won't be able to help me. Not sure if on topic but it's kind of my problem so: How do I deal with religious people, mostly my way of thinking about them? I'm not religious myself and seeing people treating the existence of God as something obvious is quite annoying. I mean they're always allowed to say whatever they want because it is believed to be so but I have to keep my mouth shut. I try to understand their point of view, but I can't empathize no matter how hard I try. I try to respect them but it's almost like listening to someone insane. They don't even want or try to understand me while I lose my mind trying to justify their way of thinking. If I was born in Algeria, I would believe in Allah. If I was born in India, I would believe in 100+ gods they have there. If I had been born 8 thousand years ago, I wouldn't have a chance to even get to know the concepts of Jesus, Christianity and the Bible. It's a lottery and everyone believes their ticket will win, but they can't tell why. What should I do? Ignore, laugh, try to explain my point of view? God helps them to keep going, protects them from the chaos and evil of this world, tells them what to do, what is good and bad. What should I do? They can't give me a proof and I can't start believing.

>>46235 >>46235 >I try to respect them but it's almost like listening to someone insane. You deal with them as if they are insane, because in a sense they are. Or just ignore it and avoid dealing with them. And you may develop a certain comprehension after you understand that their faith is a coping mechanism against their precarious life. But there are some (one or two) religious people that are profoundly knowledgeable and can defend their faith properly, because the philosophical rabbit hole can get very, very, very, very deep and the kind of faith that dumb normal users have are not representative of the traditions they follow (I'm not religious but I do like to read about). With those you remain silent to not shame yourself or, if they are reasonable people (not everyone is), you ask them questions.

>>46236 >You deal with them as if they are insane, because in a sense they are. Or just ignore it and avoid dealing with them. So there's really no answer... If I could be as blindly proud of myself as they are my life would be much more peaceful. >And you may develop a certain comprehension after you understand that their faith is a coping mechanism against their precarious life. Yeah, I already know that. >With those you remain silent to not shame yourself or, if they are reasonable people (not everyone is), you ask them questions. Talking with intelligent religious people is always interesting because they're at least somehow open-minded and are trying to understand me. What I don't like is echo-chamber-like "discussion" where a group of people blindly follows the dogma.

>>46235 >God helps them to keep going, protects them from the chaos and evil of this world, tells them what to do, what is good and bad. Most of them understand in one way or another that their faith has no basis in reality, but convincing them is like fighting a deep pathology that needs a kind of psychological security in order to feel comfortable and assured. People want there to be some kind of "rules to life" set in stone, any rules really. It makes them feel safe believing that life is a simple input-output game where every action is accountable and where delaying (or failing to acquire) gratification in our short time here will be rewarded post-mortem. But when you're old, in pain and potentially reflecting on a life you regret, there is no payoff or redemption from that, that's simply the end of it. And that's okay. That said there is no solution to the way you feel. You'll always have that nervousness. Maybe other people are happier living in denial or maybe they aren't, but I'm quite certain they experience the nervousness too. With age you'll only become more acutely aware of your impeding nonexistence and omnipresent loneliness and maybe you'll even convince yourself that you've made peace with it, but you'll die gasping for life no matter how stoic you think you are and that will be it.

>>46240 *impending not impeding

>>46237 I just avoid the majority of them, i have no patience with dumb religious people. Their faith is not the biggest problem to me, but their hypocrisy. It's just completely, utterly pathetic and nauseating the divergence between who they are and how they behave and the ideals they supposedly follow. And they have the audacity to try to preach their faith to anyone, feeling entitled by their faith alone. >>46240 >With age you'll only become more acutely aware of your impeding nonexistence and omnipresent loneliness and maybe you'll even convince yourself that you've made peace with it, but you'll die gasping for life no matter how stoic you think you are and that will be it. This kind of nihilism is just another side of the same coin of stupidity. Not much better. Those who "follow" this line of thinking do so under the same conditions as the majority of those who have faith in any religion: without knowing why.

>>46240 I'm okay with my life - I accepted randomness, chaos, lack of purpose and I accepted death. But I can't accept denying and avoiding the truth. I'd accept cold truth rather than a beautiful lie. The lack of purpose is fascinating because I can pick my own way, don't know why people need to be defined by something different. >That said there is no solution to the way you feel. Well then, at least I won't be disappointed while dying. My friend recently became self-conscious and he can't deal with the idea he's going to stop exist when he dies. Looking at his pathetic state gives me a clue why people don't want to accept the truth but I can't empathize with him anymore - I live my life like a movie and it's both a comedy and a drama. Every movie has its end but you keep watching and enjoy it. Do people always get paralyzed by fear when they discover what it means to die? I discovered it by the age of 10. Am I resistant because I'm crazy? Both life and death are quite romantic after all, it's too interesting not to enjoy both. Thanks for your reply, I somehow feel better now.

>>46247 >Those who "follow" this line of thinking do so under the same conditions as the majority of those who have faith in any religion: without knowing why. That statement makes no sense. We can convince ourselves that we have "accepted death" from a philosophical point of view but that's not how it works. Our instinct for self-preservation is why we panic and claw at the tightening noose around our necks even if we are the ones who consciously chose to kick the chair, that is what I meant by a "nervousness" that will never go away. I'm saying that even if you step back and analyze the psychological motives which make people religious, you'll still never be "above" those impulses even if you understand and acknowledge them. They're wired into us in a way which rationality isn't. Whether your life should be governed by life having meaning or not having meaning is not the takeaway, I'm saying that whether or not you choose to cope you'll still encounter the same problems of having a lizard brain that fears death.

>>46235 >please don't read if you're religious Im only kind of ignoring, I think my foundation is pretty atheist and my "religious beliefs" would probably be considered atheistic. I think at worst they are metaphysical, and often times just utilitarian. So I thought this would actually make me a good candidate for replying to you honestly. There isn't any need for you to believe for one, for two many of your issues sound less about religion specifically and more that discussion is one sided with the people you talk to. I had a friend like this once who was Christian, it was unbearable. And treating anything as a given obvious is annoying unless there is reciprocation in my opinion. If you want to treat something as personal truth or law I think that is fine, we all do to a degree, but we should be (as you seem to be) willing to step outside it still for the sake of discussion. So I think all these things above I'd easily put as "not your fault". I think the only exception would be if you were just really close minded yourself and a horrible listener, but I really have no reason to assume that especially because you are very honestly just trying to understand. Thats literally about 90% of your post too, as for the 10% though that I think could be "on you", for one I kind of hinted at this but I think part of it is that this isn't necessarily a religious issue (much but not all of what you mentioned). Many people are like this, i'm not doubting you mainly notice it with religious people but that could be cultural or location specific. I already sort of filter out most of the "no but god, im not gonna try to understand your side blah blah" maybe so to me I know a lot of atheists like you are describing. Not even in discussions about religion, they can shut off at any discussion about what happens when we die and insist "nothing" when I don't think that even makes the most sense from an atheist perspective for example. So this is what I notice, but I think I might be around less religious people than you or the filter thing I mentioned. I think the second thing that might be worth considering that you said is that while it is a lottery, the fact that anythings as good as anything for a religion works both ways. Im not sure about the people you describe but some are fully aware that if they were born in X place they might have been X, however they weren't. And they may realize that they will never truly find the answers no matter which religion or lack thereof they hop around, and so they might as well stick with whats culturally significant to them and maybe provides some emotional comfort. Of course id think this sort of person would be more open to discussion, still whether they are that kind of person or not my point stands. Things that are very arbitrary or random also don't need much of a reason to pick one over the other. You'd just hope there is some self awareness in this of course. As for what should you do? I think you should start trying to get better at testing the waters as quickly as possible. Explaining your point of view is a waste of time if the person can't even meet you in the middle, and the quicker you can discern whether this is the case the better. It'd be nice to give everyone the maximum benefit of the doubt but there is a lot of people in the world and in our lives and it's better to spend the time on those who will reciprocate. Those you are friends with that are like this can obviously still be your friends, as can new people who are close minded around this you meet. But the sooner you see these people as not worth talking to about the mysteries of the universe the less frustrated you will be. Sometimes people are just funny, or reliable, or whatever, and thats what makes them good and not infuriating. You don't need to agree with or even see someone as smart to respect them. You can see them as an absolute idiot, the key to respect there is to respect them for something else. You don't need to grapple with their seemingly ignorant beliefs at all, in fact if you want to respect these people you should look elsewhere. Maybe you will find some other good trait and one day connect it to their ignorant beliefs and find some solace in that if they weren't so close minded they also wouldn't be some other trait you admire a lot more now. tl:dr; most of this isn't your fault, i think the parts you can change largely involve not looking at them as their religion or seeking that sort of convo with them at all. You don't need to respect peoples religions, in fact thats doing things out of order kind of, learn to respect them as individuals first, for things outside beliefs. and then it will be easier to respect their religion as it helps makes them who they are.

>>46250 >You can see them as an absolute idiot, the key to respect there is to respect them for something else. Interesting, I've never thought about it this way. >But the sooner you see these people as not worth talking to about the mysteries of the universe the less frustrated you will be. Makes sense. Thanks for your opinion, I was thinking about "religious" in the Western/Abrahamic sense. >>46247 >Their faith is not the biggest problem to me, but their hypocrisy. It's just completely, utterly pathetic and nauseating the divergence between who they are and how they behave and the ideals they supposedly follow. And they have the audacity to try to preach their faith to anyone, feeling entitled by their faith alone. I have the same problem with them.

I will be the devil advocate here just because i'm procrastinating what i should be doing, and i need to practice my english, despite not being religious. >>46248 >But I can't accept denying and avoiding the truth. It is presumptuous to pretend to know "the truth", and whatever assertion you are capable to make will probably be revealed as precarious with sufficient scrutiny, even by a more sophisticated religious person. And what truth do you refer to? Despite the fact that religious people do make dubious claims about how stuff works, religion per se doesn't talk about reality in, for example, scientific terms. There wasn't "science" when those traditions were born, the church fathers (as an example) weren't scientists and they never had the intention of being scientists, so of course they never made "truth claims" in the sense that we understand "truth" today, like descriptions of things. Religious claims are phenomenological by nature. They talk about experiences, the meaningful unfolding of life as it is lived by us, humans, and by meaningful i don't mean solely something that has "value", but things are always already meaningful, they mean something, they are understood and cognized always in a certain way. Events, as they happen in our lives, are concatenated together in a certain way and it is when we learn to look at that unfolding of meaning (and that fact that this is possible) that religious assertions starts to make some sense. So, an example. To ask wether the 4 noble truths from Buddhism are true or not is to miss the point. These aren't assertions about the world as a space where objects are, these aren't assertions about human life as an abstract, completely general and objective thing, they are phenomenological claims about the lived world of somebody. The first noble truth isn't really real to me right now, but once it was when i almost jumped out of a building, but even today i cannot say that life isn't suffering - i would say that it isn't "just" suffering. But because they are phenomenological claims about the meaningful world built by experiences cognized in a certain way that they will assert that the first noble truth (that of suffering) isn't really real, and therefore unnecessary. Truth is to be understood (in this context) in a phenomenological manner. "True" is what is experientially possible, it is a human possibility. The 6 Reals of Buddhism (hell realm, ghost, etc.) are human possibilities (sometimes i eat as a pig, i am obsessed and angry as a Titan, i'm consumed by hate as a demon, i'm distract by pleasure and pride as a God, and so on), the 100 gods that Hindus follow are depictions of possible human behaviours, personality traits, ways of being, or are concrete depictions of ethereal ideas (that are true nonetheless, such as virtues) that can be manifested somehow (such as justice and understanding). Then, "belief" and "faith" is to be understood in a phenomenological manner. To have faith in Christ doesn't mean to have the concept in my head that it is a fact that Christ will come back as a zombie or whatever. Faith is trust in what Christ represents. What you have to accept to be a Christian is that what Christ represents is some kind of metaphysical truth (which i personally don't believe). Is to have a certain referential, and to live by that referential, and to accept the transformations that this referential entails. It is a way of positioning yourself in the world and this have some existential structure, it is "something", it isn't just subjectivity. In that sense, to discuss "belief" in darwinian evolution is completely meaningless. It's not about that kind of belief. Religious people who enter in that kind of debate don't even understand their own faith. Religions won't become perfect just because you learned what is phenomenology and symbolism, they have problems and they can be discussed, but at least do it right. >>46249 Yes, of course. But i tend to think that you only frame things this way due to being born in a particularly nihilistic, scientific minded culture. Otherwise, you would probably be capable of framing things in another terms, and by doing so you wouldn't show the inflexibility that your post transmited. It's a way of seeing things that looks "real" because it is built with certain verifiable - biological - truths. And seeing that frame as "Reality" is the same mistake that religious people often make. How can i say this? It is almost as if you wanted to reduce human relationships and feelings to chemicals in our brains. Yes, they are chemical in our brains. But experientially they aren't. No one writes poems about chemicals in our brains. Experientially, there are many, many ways to deal with the fact of death. Some are more honorable than others, and show more dignity than others. How do you explain "honor" and "dignity" in terms of instinct? Or would you say that those aren't human possibilities, that people don't manifest dignity and don't have honor? Experientially, there are many ways to deal with the plethora of human events. Some are more honorable than others. Some are so honorable that we start to create myths about them. But i don't think that one needs to be religious to be that way, it just happens that religions codify those ideas solidly (and there may be cognitive reasons for that, e.g. the works of Iain McGilchrist).

>>46252 That's a long ass post, let me read it tomorrow, okay? I guess you're telling me about the relativity of truth from the philosophical perspective, as expected of lainchan. I believe in what I can see and examine but I understand my mind is limited. What I expect from the truth is that it isn't always what people want. The vision of meeting people you love in afterlife is just too good to be real.

>>46253 Yeah dude, the post is about how that kind of claim is not what religion is about. You can continue not believing in it. That particular belief in the afterlife may be modern i think. That whole "ghost" stuff is very recent, maybe from the Victorian era and that whole phenomena of "mediumship".

>>46251 I would identify as one of the abrahamic religions but I think most of what I think and how I practice would be considered blasphemous or wrong. In fact I know it is, ive tried joining communities for it and really only fit in by shutting up. Saying this to maybe show not all of us are like what you described but honestly, I feel like I have more evidence of the opposite. Without a doubt many in abrahamic faiths can be impossible to explore ideas with, im not sure why but my best guess would be some kind of fear. I feel like people from other religious traditions arent afraid to explore unorthodox ideas as much either because of a healthy confidence that they still will have their faith after, or maybe because they see it as good to strengthen their faith, or maybe its because they dont fear being existentially punished for just speaking.

>>46205 >Im gonna try to ask more details for you (and for me honestly), but just know people with far less get it. Please do. I'm very interested.

>>46000 I'm starting to get pretty tired of Lainchan's easy-goingness. I want to go all out Azuho Yoshii on this site, because of its deadness. Maybe I should do a massive campaign on advertising this site to all the incels, cyborgs and robots of 4chan, krautchan, ylilauta, among other boards to attract some audience. Maybe that'll alleviate my boredom for a while...

https://youtu.be/9zYADk0uwOU Fvck your ego Fvck your scene Fvck your fashion Fvck your lies Fvck your trend Fvck your style Fvck your music FVCK INDVSTRIAL! Repeat this soykaf like "around the world" from Daft Punk

>>46271 Do it. Try buying ad space on 4chan and registering an account on incels.is to tell them about this website. Would be better than seeing this place die. Even 10 new habitual users could radically change the culture of this website.

>>46235 I'd consider myself Christian but still find myself questioning my belief on a regular basis. I don't believe there is any kind of empirical hard proof for God and ontological arguments are in a sense incongruent with how existence really is, other than there at one point or another had to be a moment where creation came into existence. However, at the end of the day I still find myself asking and praying for grace, for faith, and to be more aunthentic towards others. I don't expect anything in particular to happen out of praying, like miracles, but I don't see prayer as doing any harm either, long as it doesn't become a crutch to your own rationality or sense of responsibility. People who are too overly dogmatic, always defending towards what they believe, have little to no room for introspection within themselves, nor do they actually care for others opinions. Religion can be an opiate of the masses, however there is something necessary in treating others with respect that can come about through actualizing religious practices in life. It creates a pathway for a more ethical life. It doesn't always have to be about what's considered right in religion or who you believe God to be entrely, because from my experience the more you question, the less you come to understand. And with the less you understand, the more you're going to have to give up to faith. You don't have to understand, nor do you have to agree, you just have to listen.

fuarrrked up how some people never come back it's almost like they died if their existence is nothing but a memory do they even exist? of course i have moved on, and found the joy in meeting new people of different stripes. but everyone really is irreplaceable in their own ways, for better or for worse.

What if the past 15 years of my life that spend almost all my leisure time on the internet were a mistake? I always thought that I would be able to find my people on the web, make friendships or build a community and be cozy to have discussion about serious topics or at least have some fun. Now everyday I feel like I'm a little more afar of anything that looks like a real connection. Most chans are just cesspool (they always were, right?). Lately I've been reading about the OLD WEB, everyone likes to talk about how in the OLD DAYS we could actually have some fun. For sometime I also that this train of thought also had some truth to it. Yeah, we have some nostalgic feelings for when we were young, but also the web changed SO MUCH, can't there be a little truth about it? When I realized this I start searching for "alternative spaces" and the truth I'm just damaged and these places can't hold my attention (there is so much content that a bunch of people can produce and to spend 8h online I need a soykaf ton of new things to read and watch). In the end I'm going back to youtube and reddit where there is an almost infinite amount of things to consume, I'm a content junkie after all. Maybe I should just take an initiative to restrict my time online. Maybe my assumption that the web was a special place was wrong. Maybe I just need to go outside more.

Has Lain heard of "learned helplessness"? I feel like I'm a victim of it, and yet and I'm not certain it's irrational. Every time I try to do something interesting, I invariably encounter a barrier far and beyond my skill to cross and it's gotten to the point where I just reflexively give up before even starting. It's so frustrating. It feels like anything worth doing requires a whole company to achieve. Like, I try to do fluid simulation for a render, only to discover that there's no contact friction. For most renders, this usually isn't a problem - but for mine, it's essential. That's another thing; it always feels like it's specific to me. People rarely -if ever- discuss or even mention some of the problems that seem so pressing to me. I try to start a Haskell project, and I get an "impossible" error. I pick up a language advertising a feature, only to discover the feature has been incomplete for years despite active development. I just want to create, yet I get shut down the moment I try to do anything interesting. It's even spilled over into my work. I can't feel confident at all about the results of my code because I keep thinking of all the ways a tiny mistake can completely change the output. I try to overcome this with proper development principles, but working alone it means I need to single-handedly write thousands of lines of code outside my expertise to ensure proper testing, input validation, output collation, etc. I reach out to colleagues and nobody else has anything approaching this; they just have confidence in their undergrad-tier codebases and ad-hoc testing. There's also technology in general. Everything just constantly seems to break around me and I can't trust anything to work. And it makes me angry because I know it doesn't have to be like this. Closing tabs in a browser shouldn't cause it to freeze. Executing an action shouldn't lock up the interface of very expensive "enterprise" software. "mv" shouldn't fuarrrking return before having actually written everything to the destination! When I dig into the internals, I learn just how little is actually guaranteed. How can I do anything when I know there's a real possibility of everything getting messed up? I'm just so tired of it all.

>>46303 small wins will replace it feeling small and pushed over physically? go lifting and get fit feeling dumb? read a book start small, like really REALLY small. Laughably small. So laughably small you feel like it is shameful not to do it. Like "read half a page a book a day". Don't push yourself over, but commit to a routine. It helps.

>>46303 I relate to this. But, in my case at least, it is self-inflicted. Most of the time I have a big idea and something goes the other way. Something in the environment is missing, or it's wrong, or breaks, or unavailable in my system. And when I go and try to get it, it requires me to go into deep details that I care nothing about. Idk, in part it seems a form of self-sabotage. Either I am looking for the perfect environment, or I get into a form of analysis paralysis in which I feel I have to master XYZ before I get to the actual topic I'm interested in. And it mostly happens with technology. Whatever it is, I can't seem to have the system I like, there's always something, even if that something is something I learned from others, and not directly to me relevant. And about everything software related always breaking on me all the time, that's a constant. I seem to have a reverse midas touch. Anyway, I do think software (and the underlying hardware) is all gone batshit, absolute pantsu-on-head bananas. I don't believe there is a unique culprit for this (as some lainons seem to love blaming EUNUCHS(TM)), but the whole technology has long gone off the cliff. As for one's own "specific" details, I think we should always try and make do with what we have, even if it's missing a critical feature, which we can later try to recreate somewhere else, or find a more suitable environment. If we do not at least start, we will never understand the problem and we're letting our preconceived ideas get in the way.

I have no friends I don't know what else to say, I just don't have a single friend. No desire to meet other people either, but living at home for a year now made me realize just how fuarrrked up this being normal to me is. My younger siblings have dozens of schoolmates and friends. My older sister has a pretty extensive friend group she hangs out with every week. My parents are almost always out. In fact, my dad makes fun of me for being at home. I remember in HS I used to borrow the car so I can pretend to meet up with "friends".

People often say you can't read someone else's mind, what they think about you, but you can at least tell. From their behavior, demeanor, the questions they ask... I can tell my dad is disappointed in me, that he doesn't expect that much from me anymore. As a kid I tried to meet those expectations, working hard on my studies and being a "good boy", because I felt he wanted something from me, but that wasn't it. What he wanted was someone completely different; rebellious, into sports, lots of friends, lots of girls. Of course he never said it, but he did try to push that life on me. I realised it too late, and even if I did, that isn't me. We're living under the same roof, I've got a job and everything, but we barely talk to each other anymore. I try to connect with him from time to time but he's never open. He just doesn't want it.

Everything is such a hassle. Don't get me wrong, the last month of my life has been surprisingly good. I've been feeling well mentally and physically and it's honestly great, because I haven't felt like that in literal years. One problem though, it feels as though it comes from deliberate, hard work, as opposed to being a natural state of things. I got better once I curbed my bad habits, hit the gym and did a bit of self-digging. I fear that the moment I slip up in my routine or begin taking my condition for granted it will all come tumbling down. I try not to think too hard about that, but it's a worrisome thought and I wanted to get it off my chest.

My mom bought a fuarrrking cat that keeps making noises the whole day and i need to concentrate for my studies. She leaves for work and she don't have to deal with this fuarrrking noisy cat. I want to kill this stupid cat.

>>46104 i feel this pretty strongly. it's been fuarrrking with my head. so our lives are spent getting up and going to work so we can... what? pay the bills and afford to keep getting up and going to work? happiness allotted only for nights and (maybe) weekends, if you're lucky? but why bother if we just wake up the next day too tired to function, just to drive to work and do it all again? another meaningless day. if i were to find fulfillment from my work.. even if i enjoyed it, i could not be happy. we work on one project. and then another. it never ends. work until we die, just so we can afford to keep working until we die? why not just skip ahead to the dying part and avoid all the work in between?

>>46328 give me your cat. i have not met your cat but i love your cat. i'm guessing the cat's meowing because it has some needs that haven't been met. it's probably scared if it's new -- does it have food? fresh water? access to a litterbox? it's probably just overwhelmed by its new situation, particularly if it doesn't have any good places to hide.

>>46000 I've been fighting the urge to go back playing WoW for about two years now, and I finally gave in, but regret doing so immediately afterwards. It just isn't the same without the close people around you and the wonderment of the world that you experience for the first time as you're stepping into another world about which you know literally nothing. It's just depressing, and I knew that it would be like this, but I did it anyway after probably a hundred hours worth of WoW related Youtube videos and about a dozen of "what if?" questions. I know it's about time to get a life, but I just don't know where to begin. Yeah, a gf would probably be a great step, but considering how commercialized "love" has become, I just don't want to go through with the grueling Tinder-sponsored grind of mechanized and consumer-friendly partner-finding process. I simply don't care for a normal partner. I want someone who'd be willing to start a cult just for the heck of it, who'd want to duel me using nettles and have sex afterwards because she'd be curious of the sensation, be o.k. from time to time with just a quiet day of reading or sleeping and the day after provoke me into doing something insane or stupid, because life would be too boring otherwise. I know it's too much to ask and that the chances of finding someone like that on Tinder (or generally) are about one in a hundred million, but fuarrrk me. The only other option beside continuing to volcel through life would be to "train" a normal to be my partner, but I just regard it as unethical (and too much of a hassle anyway) to go through with it. Ugh. Why the fuarrrk did I wrote this anyway? It just makes me look pathetic... then again... who the fuarrrk really cares?

>>46345 imo its not bad to play a game you know is soykaf for a week cause it gets your mind off it. Better than spending months thinking about it and wasting more energy in the process getting distracted. That aside i dont believe your reasons given are the issue. Their game design is simply garbage.Thats exemplified with their reheated wow classic doing no worse in retention than retail. Secondary cashshop is a major income source and importance drives design - they need incentives to keep whales paying for the goldfarmer playerbase surviving on tokens. This means more paywalls like they did with maxing legendaries being behind a gold wall and recently told to recraft them for another round. And this is likely the future - rising income inequality makes pricing your players equal a bad business model. f2p while taking money of whales in contrast mirrors the financial situation of the population and therefore should be much better suited to monetize players. I expect this especially to become more relevant with economy going bust as inflation rises. Gacha games are a good example of this. 0.01% of the playerbase pays 10k+ and a few over 100k netting overall more than conventional full price & sub games.

>>46088 You are gonna make it, thats all you can do. And thats totally meaningless and im frustrated I cant help you. Why dont you have money you said your movies did good? Wheres the money, did friends take most of it or like did you spend it all? Im not blaming you like I said im just frustrated. I know if you were right here in real life in front of me I could get you the services you need, get you signed up for some sort of assistance that could get you signed up for some therapy thats also discounted. Hell I could even provide some solid non credentialed pre-therapy I bet. Im not so stupid I think im a therapist cause I know some things and have been through it, but I know I know enough and am well in the head enough to not fix someone but help them enough to not be afraid or opposed to getting help. But helping you through a screen isnt ever enough, right now its really not enough. Were you that poster who said your friends said you were talking nonsense in a thread? I never expected this would be your story, I thought you were much younger and going through some weird dissasociation soykaf. What your mom did was unforgivable. Im not positive but from what ive seen when the mother does something like that its absolutely devestating for the child. It is when the father does too but, everyone I know with dad trauma (including myself) has gotten over it, or at least lived with it. The people I know who had soykaf like this happen with their moms always struggled way more than I seemed to. In fact one time I had a nightmare my mom did touch me when I was little and it was so real (likely it was based on a memory that just wasnt with my mom that was the dream part) when I woke up I thought it WAS real and for 5 minutes until I snapped out of it I was absolutely horrified and disgusted like a million centipedes were crawling on me. I wanted to fuarrrking scream and bang my head on a wall till I knocked out. All because for a bit I was convinced my mom touched me when I was little instead of who actually did. And the reality rarely bothers me these days, it never did like I was bothered to think it was my mom. Id say im sorry if I thought it was forgivable and if it was mine to forgive.

please god dont make me fuarrrk up this housewarming barbecue, im so underslept need uh need you to take the wheel here. i dont need to enjoy it, it can be unbearable, as long as it goes well and I make a good impression.

>>46375 my prayers were immediately answered someones bringing their cat. I havent seen a cat in a minute. Cat = good things.

>>46376 fuarrrk yeah m8, this is /tnev/ not /vent/

>>46377 sometimes we cant control or stop good things from happening

I know its part mindset, its part random, part personal choices, but right now life feels like a wheel of misfortune that fuarrrks every player over until it gets to my turn and I seem to hit the single pie portion thats actually good every time. This has never been true till a few years ago, and I have no idea what of the many more realistic factors are playing a role. I have started seeing my sufferings as ultimately beneficial or just part of the plan. Still nothing quite as bad as whats been happening to the people around me has happened to me objectively. It just being random or just the functional randomness that is the complexity of life scares me as surely I should get hit soon with misfortune. I know its not more likely for me to now just because I keep getting lucky, but in the grand scheme of things statistically it would be unlikely this trend continues if its even functionally random. Aa for personal choices, there is a few that have given me advantages but for the most part I make terrible choices. Im basically a drug addict, alcoholic, and I have a partner I cant stand for more than a day and friends I dont see more than once a week (if even) and its all entirely me isolating and not their fault. Its not that I cant appreciate good things or live in the moment. But like to tally up all within the past month my friends broken up with their boyfriend and become suicidal. My other friends relationship is failing. Someone I live with got their car stolen, another person broke up with their girlfriend they live with and also have a close friend being taken off life support tommorow. My partner feels lost, suicidal, and is depressed. No one around me is happy, but all things considered im just fine. I actually had a depressive episode last week and did not even realize I was and the only way I noticed was that I saw I had spent two days in bed all day and my room had quickly become an exceptional mess. The most negative I felt last week was I was not as easily able to tell myself to calm down and I was extremely bored and slightly irritable. the fact that these minor internal things even stood out enough (in combo with the fact that I was exhibiting externally my typical depression symptoms) for me to see I was having an episode is insane to me as before a few years ago I might not realize till I was a month in and escalated to drinking entire 750 ml bottles a day and cutting my face or destroying a perfectly stable friendship. This is all very strange to me even if it sounds good. I dont know if its good or bad, I know im overall more stable of a presence for friends but I also sometimes feel like a total psychopath. I worry im unhealthily unfazed, or like with my partner I worry I either am done with them too quickly for no reason other then ive lost interest in other people, or that I must be uncannily good at feigning love and enjoyment around them when I should be fed up and putting an end to it. But then il think "but its all fine isnt it, its only an issue if you worry about it" and il stop. But that even sometimes I wonder if its inhuman, people I talk to about my more deep unexposed inner thoughts I feel have expressed increasing worry or fear/concern about how I think about things. But because everyone around me is doing so poorly, its hard to know if thats not just giving them a cynical view of everything. I feel like generally my concerns could be summed up as "im not sure what im becoming". Am I on a path to being a drug addict so bad im functionally a vegetable. Even scarier am I becoming so functional and okay under what most would see as extremely concerning circumstances that im losing my empathetic and human side (something I value a lot and is ultimately tied to my reasons I continue living and now never even think about suicide). Am I just unfamiliar with being okay and safe and having things I always wanted? Am I just not talking to my friends enough or getting enough outside input and so im stuck in my head? Is it the influence of this board? A board I only started revisiting when this shift all started as for awhile I was struggling so bad I didnt have time to even think about it? Let alone use it? I truly, truly, do not fuarrrking know. Im lost and I dont think the way things are is how they should be or at least makes sense.

>>46415 sorry something else that bothered me. When the dude in my compound told me what was going on with him, first of all just the day before I was telling someone how great he is to have around and there he was saying he wont be around anymore. I couldnt think of anything empathetic to say to him and I just said "Itl be okay, okay?" and he said "I dont know I hope" and all I could do was say "It will". Hes old enough to not think the worlds ending when it isnt, everything he said reasonably pointed to soykaf times for him. But I just saw him some hours ago back inside and smiling, and he smiled and nodded at me like in a "you were right" way after I kinda have him a "are you good" type look. Things could not be good, non verbal communication can easily be misconstrued. But if it is, that just doesnt make sense. I was confident I was lying to him when I said things would be good. It just was all I could think to say.

I can't stop fearing death. It has become unhealthy at this point

>>46417 >I can't stop fearing death. What do you fear exactly? Are you religious? Do you fear something "after" dying or dying alone? Do you fear losing everything you have?

I'm just feeling all that vitriol and despair and anger and I wish they'd go away.

>>46322 I was in the same position. I moved put with my gf and am making my own little world. My father couldnt be more proud. He doesnt want rebellious kid, he wants a kid who rebells against him. That is the purpose of male child, to supersede the father in manly duties.

I hate Americans so fcking much. You have ruined the whole planet, you have fcked up so hard you managed to make my life worse from across a fcking ocean. You are disgusting. You have no backbone, you have no culture, you have no brains, you are a bunch of narcissistic, spoiled brats with guns. That's all you were over your whole idiotic history. I detest you and your stupid grade school politics and every decision you have forced everyone else to follow you on at fcking gunpoint. I hope China nukes you.

How do I fix anger issues without going to a shrink?

>>46473 Yeah fuarrrk america and fuarrrk pretty much all americans -American

>>46486 What's making you angry? The obvious answer to such a broad question is to stop being angry but that's not the answer you're looking for I assume.

>>46426 I fear the nothingness that will exist after death

>>46508 I think there's nothing like that actually. Remember the time when you weren't born yet? Yep, not really. You - the observer didn't exist yet and there was no one to perceive that "nothingness". When you go to sleep and have dreamless night, you wake up several hours later as if the time between didn't exist. That's because your consciousness was absent. That's why I like to think that dying is like going to sleep and never waking up.

>>46493 No! You are supposed to fix your soykaf, not to hate yourself!

>>46513 that scares me>>46513

>>46222 Your post hit a spot within me that has felt the same emotion about "success" for a long while. Those programmers, crypto analyzers, and other "successful" people don't seem to really be successful within my eyes. When it comes to the American definition of "success," it seems that one is only considered a success when they have made a fortune or have made their name well known through their talents. I personally do not agree with this American success ideology, because the ideology implied the idea that only one percent of the human population is a success, when even the people the ideology classifies as a "success" are nothing special, as you implied within your statement. The successful people merely focus on their one activity without any variety within their lives. To an extend, this allows for their skills to be specialized and more profound (sometimes), but it also prevents those people from having any other interesting discussion traits. Think of it like a video game with a lot of classes, such as Killing Floor: one player can spend 1000 hours playing as Sharpshooter and become a professional within that class, but be awful at Firebug, Support, etc. However, the player that spreads out their playtime with each class will have a better experience and be more welcoming to other players. It is true that the specialized people (the ones who focus on a single subject) may actually help society with their discoveries depending on their subject (physicist and doctors), but crypto analyzers and businessmen help nobody but themselves. These "successful" people also seem to be putting their "success" into things that will only benefit themselves rather than making their community better. Instead of rich and well-known people being successful, I view the following traits of a person to be considered successful: A person (1) dedicates their time to experience the different fruits of life, (2) creates a welcoming atmosphere for the people around them, (3) helps create a sense of unity within their community, whether it is between a few friends or for a larger populous, and (4) pursuits actions to make their community a better place to live. As implied, a lot of my beliefs on success are rooted within the social aspect rather than the individual aspect. To comment on your post specifically, there is indeed a lot of bullshit within the world. All of these so-called "revolutionary" technologies and inventions seem to have a negative affect on society rather than a positive one. With corporations and businesses, they are aware that most of America has no sense of community and is built purely around the commodification of products and social media. By advertising their products and work environment as social, they rhetorically persuade people into believing their garbage is better than the other people's garbage. "Successful" people will use their numbers to justify their superiority against others, but once you take away the one and only thing that they are good at, they become a wet paper bag that is bound to rip open at any moment. These people are not successful, they are individualists who promote noting substantial to their community. Relationships are mutilated by the romanticism and sensationalism of media and fiction, which gives unrealistic viewpoints of what love should be, when in reality, those pieces of fiction were made to escape reality and to feel another world that does not exist. Relationships/friendships between "successful" people are fake and are only founded on the basis of money and further caring about themselves. Once again, some people view relationships individualistically by thinking "how can this person fit my romanticized view of a relationship" rather than what they themselves can provide to the other. It seems that anything that does not result in making money and screwing people over is worthless in a modernist's mind. I wish all of this effort in making business "better" would be put towards architecture, health care, worker's benefits, and society in general. Instead, effort is put into an individual's "success," which directly makes things worse overall. I can only change myself and how I can make my community better, but it pains me to see people only focusing on themselves and being PRAISED for it. P.S. sorry if some of these points went off topic from your post, I just wanted to put this out there.

I masturbate imagining my boyfriend getting fuarrrked by another man, by his ex-boyfriend specifically. He used to be a femboy glitterboy with many boyfriends. And then I came along, I think I'm the only girlfriend he had so far (not transsexual lmao). Since I always had problems with jealousy and because he told me about hooking up and how he was only still alive because of this guy... I just can't, he also told me about them sending videos and stuff. I feel like a loser, it wasn't even irl but I don't know, I can't stand it, plus he's a man, if he was a woman it would be understandable but I don't know. I'm so weak and degenerate that I became a like this, because I can't ever imagine him loving me as much as he loved that guy, even if he tells me otherwise. Of course I haven't told him about this and I won't ever do that. Having a glitterboy bpd bf is so hard, anons

>>46536 >I masturbate imagining my boyfriend getting fuarrrked by another man, by his ex-boyfriend specifically. Kinda hot but also pretty sick xD >I'm so weak and degenerate that I became a like this, because I can't ever imagine him loving me as much as he loved that guy, even if he tells me otherwise. You never feel good enough for someone but maybe that's just my point of view. Being jelly is normal, the question is - are you affected by his previous relationships now or is it just your imagination making you jelly? If he's giving you enough time and affection now and he isn't fuarrrking dudes instead of spending time with you then you shouldn't really care. Take this with a grain of salt, I've never been in a relationship ever before but I know how machines think. >anons We're lainons here, now you are too. Remember about that.

>>46534 >(4) pursuits actions to make their community a better place to live. One of the things that annoys me with my own community is that my perception of what would consist an improvement is at odds with local cultural zeitgeist.

>>46538 True, and I should have elaborated on that point. As long as the actions undertaken to make the community a better place are align with the publics interest (without manipulation/propaganda), then I consider those actions to qualify as successful.

>>46539 What if the zeitgeist itself is due to successful propaganda campaigns?

>>46540 Then the people running those propaganda programs to persuade the people into believe a certain change is beneficial, when in reality the change is detrimental, are not successes and should be considered evil.

>>46222 I know this feel, lain. The "silicon valley lifestyle" makes me want to vomit. If I had the luxury of ignoring it and completely shutting it out of my life I would, but unfortunately, those people run the fuarrrking world. (not to say they own the world. Their investors own the world, they delegate running it to their tech lackeys).

i don't feel right unless i'm suffering there is nothing else in the world that makes me feel as at home or "correct" and when everything is going fine and i have nothing to be upset over, life just feels fake and it feels like i am numbing myself

People fully deserve the state of the world we're in. They will always lie or act unethically if it's safe. Cowardly at heart. They will never argue logically if they can rally the majority's bias, even if it's wrong. They will always do what is convenient to them regardless if it's right or wrong, by their own moral code. Why do you pretend you have ethics if you break them constantly? They always, always choose the path of least resistance. Ted K was right. There's nothing that describes human nature more than "path of least resistance". If you give a right to someone he will abuse it. If you make a concession it will become an entitlement and it will be abused. Every good thing will be abused and transformed into an evil. Everything about human beings is a slippery slope. There's no saving this stupid species. Morally, socially, technologically. Everything's been degrading since the day an ape stood up on its feet.

>>46537 i loled, thanks >We're lainons here, now you are too. Remember about that. Yeah I forgot, I'm not new or anything. I just don't frequently lurk here.

I'm calm bro, I promise, dead fuarrrking calm, no I am not mad, why would I be mad, super duper calm, calmest person in the whole fuarrrking world, bro, relaxed as relaxed can be, not even a bit of anger.

fuarrrk, I CAN'T STOP MASTURBATING. DAY 0 NOFAP AGAIN, WHY CAN'T I STOP COOOOMING? I HATE PORN, MY BRAIN IS FOGGY ALL THE TIME.

>>46637 Please stop spreading retarded 4chan memeshit here.

>>46637 Why are you doing it? do you have a vague idea or do you have clear reasons? if the former, think about that reason and if it's worth doing it just for that, if the latter, set them in your brain as a constant reminder i still think it's a fool's errand, myself, i'd rather jerk myself off to oblivion for the time being, i don't have to think about the consequences of my actions as long as i'm dis-attaching from this world soon. Good luck either way. >>46508 what part of it scares you? what do you think it will look like? just your senses, clogged forever in the dark while you're awake? of course not, it's just unconsciousness, you'll never feel it, that's the point of it, you will never "experience death", plus, it's inevitable. i know this isn't much of a help, but i'm trying my best. >>46322 If you're happy with yourself that's all that matters, he is an adult who consciously decided to have a child, a flesh and bone person that has a brain and wants stuff of it's own, meanwhile you never asked to be born, yet you still tried your best to appease him. i know this is hard to gulp, but this is one of the few situations where i can confidently say you should live your life without all that shoulder weight and looking for approval. >>46320 We judge and compare our inside to other people's outsides. If it makes you feel better, you are under no obligation to a part of "normalcy" as long as you're an independent adult, do you hate it because other people tell you it's inappropriate? or is it because *you* feel lonely? you said you have no desire to meet people, so am i correct to assume it's the former? It's all peer pressure, you father making fun of you, coupled with feelings of FOMO when you see your siblings go out. i know this isn't helpful much, but figure out what you want and how to get it.

An uncle died after getting vaccine Another friend went crazy I received some settlement money for an accident I was in, in the first week of May. I put it in crypto like I had been waiting to and then it all crashes down. I havnt worked my old job since end of last year. I went to get a blood test after being told to fast and nearly past out. Ive felt like soykaf since, nearly two weeks. Job centre is on my case to find more work but I dont even see a point. Cant go anywhere to socialise. Lockdowns measures wont end. I feel like Im at absolute rock bottom. No motivation. The worst thing is that Id planned to do something important with that money, and I blew it try to get more. I keep beating myself up. I feel like I have been. Im exhuasted and I dont know why

>>46892 >An uncle died after getting vaccine What vaccine? Was he old? Did he have any additional conditions like cardiovascular diseases? Also sorry for your loss. t. got the first dose of Pfizer and still alive >Another friend went crazy Everyone's getting crazy recently. >first week of May. I put it in crypto like I had been waiting to and then it all crashes down. That's bad, I also lost 50% of my investment. >I went to get a blood test after being told to fast and nearly past out. Strange. >Im exhuasted and I dont know why There are different things that can cause that: bad diet (not enough vitamins or energy), lack of sleep, lack of exercises and it's one of the symptoms of the virus (I had that one) - I've never been so exhausted in my entire life like I was during this pandemic and the illness specifically.

>>46894 He was 70 and had disabilities. It was probably Astra Zeneca. The official verdict was pneumonia. Whatever happened it didnt help.

>>46895 >He was 70 and had disabilities. That explains it. My healthy grandparents (also about 70) took Pfizer a few months ago and are still alive. >It was probably Astra Zeneca. Don't take that, it has lower efficiency and higher fatality rate.

>>46892 >I put it in crypto like I had been waiting to and then it all crashes down. >The worst thing is that Id planned to do something important with that money, and I blew it try to get more. If you needed that money, why'd you spend it all on dunning-krugerrands instead of just keeping it in a savings account?

I don't really know what to do anymore. Sometimes, if I get very stressed, I experience strange visual hallucinations. I am used to seeing 'visual snow', that's normal for me and not an issue, but these are. Sometimes I see, maybe a picture, warp, kind of like a kaleidoscope, the proportions of the subject in the image changing in relation to other landmarks in the image. I had looked at a picture of a family member, and it looked as if their emotions were rapidly changing, from a devilish evil facial expression to a very pleasant one. I had also had another mental fit where I had looked at tiles on a floor. The tiles looked as if they had waves going through them, kind of like ocean waves. I also have ideas of reference sometimes, I know they're my imagination, and I am able to work myself out of using logic, but they happen so automatically after I see something in my environment that it causes me anxiety. Like someone is trying to hurt me, my life is in danger because of some random event, etc. These fits typically do not last very long, and go away after an hour at the most, usually lasting 30 minutes. I am scared to see a doctor because these thoughts happen very rarely, maybe for a few hours each month at the most, and I am afraid of the doctor overreacting and forcing me to take Neuroleptics or else I get put into the psyche ward. Neuroleptics would completely fuarrrk me up, I had a long episode lasting 2 days, and was locked away after panicking in my room, yelling too loud I guess, which had scared my mom. Despite only lasting two days, and not having any random emotional dips and even to this day I still don't have random emotional dips or "delusions of grandeur", I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar I, even though I was having persecutory delusions. Because I was having delusions about others thinking I was disgusting and evil due to my fetishes I was labeled as "hypersexual", even though I hadn't been seducing anyone, or other things related to sex except for expressing my hatred for myself. and I was using them to describe my hatred with myself. I am very worried about completely losing my sanity, and lacking the proper family and societal supports, essentially being locked away for good, forced to take heavy tranquilizers, and living the rest of my life in a medically induced stupor, infantilized, a non-human, a fate worse than death. Or becoming a nut-bar, "town fool", being laughing stock, and becoming a husk of a human that only serves as walking, breathing reminder of who I used to be, causing great grief to my family, who all had unanimously all cried when I had been locked up. My mother had never heard her own father cry as hard as he did after he had heard the news of my issues. Whenever I try to have conversations here, I always get made fun of. I'm not sure if it's because I am just a soykaf head, with a bad annoying personality, simple as, or if it's part of my mental state growing more and more delusional, and me losing my grasp of commonly-shared logic thus making myself misunderstood and sounding retarded and rambling. I don't really have access to a professional who I could safely express my thoughts with, I lack money to do so. The most I can do is go to a regular doctor and express my issues, but that is very likely to lead to a misunderstanding which causes me to be forcefully tranquilized and thrown in the psyche ward again, even though these delusions aren't constant and a very rare occurrence. I doubt the yuppie, low IQ doctors would know what I would be talking about, as the medical checklist wouldn't be specific enough to contain what I am describing. I am around the age when delusional disease typically develops in men, so it could very well be possible for me to be rendered a total schizo in a few months. Just one day the delusions happen, and they never go away. I don't know what Lainchan would do other than call me a nigger pest f氏ggot sh*ll, like what always happens here.

>>47176 Not a specialist in any way, but the fact you are aware and want to avoid it is a good indicator that you are gonna be ok.

Between the chest pains and daily breakdowns I think my body is finally trying to kill itself from loneliness. Would it be weird to ask an escort if she could just hug me while I cry for an hour?

>>47192 I guess she'd rather do that than what she usually has to endure.

>another day >have to fight off despair that comes from wasting my life and the last 3 years on a useless degree Being dead wouldn't be so bad

>>47176 Maybe you see other dimensions, maybe you just go nuts, guess you just need to wait and see. Also i used to have hallucinations from just stress, its not all that unusual, stress can manifest in all sorts of ways. >>47192 I know that one all too well, smoked and drank a lot for that, but that has its own consequences. Im so numbed down im past that sort of thing to a point where i really feel that, but the smoking fuarrrked something up and now im in the same soykaf. Not that i counted nor had a reason to live long. Also i think asking a hooker for it is easy money for her, but its not gonna fix anything will it. At this point might well just wait and see what happens. >>47194 Atleast you got something to show for it, im basically at a dead end now. What else can you do really, atleast you might end up having some money to do stuff with. The weather has been soykafty, i think some of my plants are dying cuz of it, this bummed me up real good, all the work and hope i put in just for a heap of compost. I feel pretty depressed and not have energy for anything, there is a 1000 things i could do, but sitting in my own misery is what i do most. I feel like just smoking weed and lying in bed and never getting up again, dont even see a reason why bother. But even that is old and stale by now, i dont even get high anymore, but i still need it or i get all anxious and unstable.

>>47192 I heard they do a lot of emotional support stuff as fairly common. Even cam girls do that sort of thing to the point some say they actually have that more than doing sexual stuff.

>>47192 >Between the chest pains and daily breakdowns I think my body is finally trying to kill itself from loneliness. Nah, sounds more like you have a bad posture while sitting.

weeks ago I moved a dead rabbit from off the side of the crosswalk to the bushes with a stick. came back last night and found it was moved back to where it originally had been. what the fuarrrk?

>>47252 you should bury the rabbit Lain. at least 7 rabbit paws deep.

>>47254 it's just a skeleton now though--couldn't even tell if it had paws anymore. and I don't even own a shovel. what a disgusting suburbanite I've become...

I grew up in a weird situation. Large family (REALLY LARGE) just me my parents and 9 other siblings. We moved all the time, I had been through 12 different schools by the time I dropped out of highschool. I was in the middle. I was never noticed, or pay attention to unless it was bad attention. My mother was a constant source of abuse and my dad was a pathetic piece of soykaf that would hide at work all day and never was around. My aunt raised me until I was about 8 and when she passed away I felt like I lost my mom and was left with these people that just "kept me around". My mother's condition worsened over the years. She would become delusional and blame me for soykaf that didn't happen or other bizarre things. I began to learn how to read her and manipulator into a.) leaving me alone and b.) doing enough functional living so that I could survive. As I got older my older siblings left the house and I was left from the ages of 14 to 22 dealing with someone who was psychologically unstable and needing to take care of my younger siblings and try to make them feel like they had parents. Oh yeah my dad was basically no where to be found at this point. So living in incredible poverty in rural nonwhere woods of the north east of America without running water half the year, 5 hours on a bus every day to get to and from an awful school and most nights I try not to come home, and not really seeing any hope of improving my situation. I started drinking as a coping mechanism at the age of 16. I tried to kill myself twice in that period. Highschool became a blur of dealing with idiots, bullies, and the criminals I was making some extra scratch off. I tried to keep a low profile but with columbine and the fact I couldn't completely hide how fuarrrking angry I was all the time I was constantly being surveyed by staff. I know this because back in the day hacking a school's crappy DB was super easy when they leave the default sys-admin passwords. :P When I found they wanted to have be evaluated by trained professionals instead of the PE teacher I dropped out of highschool. I just assumed that all my other crap might have been found out and that the jig was up. I found a gig working for a small software company and from there I just crawled myself back up. But... I developed some very bad habits during the hell years. I still have them with me and they still bother me. I am still freaking out all the time waiting for the bottom to fall out of my life again. I still have nightmares about that place. I still fear what I might do to myself and that any moment I will be stuck on the streets again doing awful stuff even though I have no rational reasoning for any of it. It's been basically two decades since then but...

>>47192 No honestly that's pretty common. Some people just want company and maybe that leads to sex maybe it's just chilling out and cuddling

>>47193 Escorts do what they do entirely by choice because they don't want to get a normal job and they're subhuman sluts.

I haven't been on lainchan for months, glad to see this thread is still going. Here's my problem I have no idea what I'm doing. I meet this transwoman online (MtoF) and I feel in love, I don't know how or why but we started dating and now we can't leave each other, we have voiced, video chatted and everything. I don't know why but I love her so much, she's the first person that said to me "I love you" and it felt so warm and genuine, she's too good to me, I don't want to miss this. Me and her have talked and we are already planning on seeing each other just within a few months of dating. I'm possible moving the UK soonish and studying there, why? I don't know, I don't need to go to the UK to study but damn it it's the only way to close to her, I don't hate my country it's fine but I've always wanted to leave so this is a great opportunity too. What I'm trying to say is, am I being an idiot? and has anyone had experience dating someone in another country or transferring to another uni abroad? It feels so right but yet I don't know what I'm doing, holy crap this is cringe to think about. I never thought I would date someone online for serious and now I'm planning to move to another country

>>47278 Sure let's pretend human trafficking doesn't exist.

>>46271 Just say it's /g/ but with more opsec LARP and more trannies that'll get some funny commentary going

>>47280 >women would never become prostitutes on their own will, it's all a trafficking ring! these are not the girls you see on the sidewalk, get real

>>47283 sometimes it is. You should learn how the world works honey.

There is something genuinely wrong with my brain and my memory and its causing issues at work. Everyone thinks I'm the smartest guy in the room with a bunch of potential and I'm actually a giant retard with a slow brain and a bad memory. I literally fuarrrked up the interview as bad as I could and they still put me in a major position with massive amounts of responsibility. So when people need me to confirm something my brain will actually give them the wrong answer, and it will be a couple of minutes to half an hour later before I remember the one little detail I should have known and have to fix every problem that caused. Ill be surprised if I get home tomorrow and I still have a job after the fuarrrkups I caused today. I've already heard my coworkers talk about how much of a screw up I am and I dont think itll be too long before my boss just gets tired of my soykaf.

>>47296 >and it will be a couple of minutes to half an hour later before I remember the one little detail I should have known and have to fix every problem that caused. Buy a small notebook. When somebody ask you a question, write it down and tell them you will get back to them. Think a bit for half an hour.

>>47298 Not really possible when the questions I have to answer are time sensitive. And whats really messed up is even if I think over something and keep double checking it, I'll still miss one or two obvious things like a number that's right there on the sheet (this happened today). I used to notice in high school even if I double checked my math I would never find anything wrong with it until it was turned in, even if it was something I knew and should have picked up, not matter how many times I looked at it my brain wouldn't pick out anything wrong.

Daily reminder that Germans are a sentient form of fecal matter, not human beings.

>>47300 harsh but very true

I don't know what to do with my life. Everything I do seems pointless. I managed to get into the university and now what? I don't know, I used to think like everything will be okay if i study until my ass fell of but now; I don't know. I love computers but I don't love them enough to dedicate my life to them. I don't like coding stuff. I can't enjoy vidya anymore. Only thing that keeps me insane is books which I -now- can hardly focus on. I get bored after ten or fifteen minutes.

>>47300 >>47303 I think you're getting that feeling confused with the thousands of "refugees" in Germany doing the same thing (if not worse) because of a spineless government. My mother always said I could fix ignorance not stupidity & I gave it my best shot, so whatever. . .

>>47306 No before anyone jumps the gun like a moron, I'm not dismissing the crime nor the deaths that happened. I'm just saying let's put our efforts and emotions together for a real issue instead of spasming over a single isolated incident of a seemingly non politically motivated crime.

>>47300 >Legitimately calling a group of people "a sentient form of fecal matter, not human beings." I guess Lainchan's "Be civil" and "Argue in good faith" rules went out the window didn't they? Regardless of the thread's "venting", holy cow that's some 4chan level of bs . . . smh

>>47300 For the uninitiated: "german man" is anyone in germany. I count german man despite being first generation immigrant cause i got the nationality on the paper to escape draft at home country. The only nationality they dont hide is when its slavs doing a crime. Otherwise its cringeworthy blatant. 2 turkish guys fight and other based turk stops them? "German man attacks innocent guy but heroic turk intevenes" which i was joking but its literally how they reported a local case here. Now that i think about this is more relevant for the other thread how things changed your mindset - its blatantly obvious how these fuarrrkers lie so i dont trust any other news either where i lack the expertise to tell if its a lie.

>>47308 >I guess Lainchan's "Be civil" and "Argue in good faith" rules went out the window didn't they? Regardless of the thread's "venting", holy cow that's some 4chan level of bs . . . smh I think any anonymous forum tends towards that state. Anonymous forum maintainer gets sick of assholes and then bans the assholes in some way (required registration, language enhancers, IP blocklists, etc). The assholes then have a choice: give up being assholes, or move to some remaining anonymous forum. They always pick the latter because they're assholes. Repeat the process enough times and you end up with an extremely concentrated sludge of uber-assholes spraying their soykaf everywhere. I've spent a lot of free time over the past year working on some experimental anonymous message board proof-of-concepts, but in the end I just gave it all up and am in a "fuarrrk that" mood about the whole concept. I used to be a free-speech absolutist. Now I'm a life's-too-short-to-police-my-two-sites-from-nazi-soykafheads-24/7-ist. The blog has gone comments-disabled, and the forum has gone closed-registration with careful vetting of applicants. Let someone else deal with the headaches of anonymous participation. I'm just done with it.

It is amazing just how fuarrrking incompetent I am at everything I do. The worst part is that I cannot accept myself as completely hopeless - sometimes the stars align and I learn like a fuarrrking genius. But at all other times I can't do soykaf to save my life. fuarrrk it makes me mad.

>>47314 I still don't understand this obsession with national socialists. Most people who complain about them never met them. With that being said, I find that most of the people being moderated aren't "nazis" but rather frustrated people with no one in their lives that want to listen or pay them any mind, so they come and take it out on others with their drivel and nonsense. This usually comes in the form of spam. Outside of that, worldviews clash and this doesn't really bother me. It tends to go [group A] understands [group B] but [group B] doesn't even care to learn about [group A] so they disregard the entire world view. But of course, [group A] tends to be in an environment where they don't feel they need to. Do you understand what I am saying? If not, it is okay -- Thankfully, you can always do what you did: Ignore [or just block] the problem instead of trying to understand it. Either decison won't fix the problem, but the things that used to annoy me do not, as my patience has grown in some areas, but then the things that do annoy me are lack of intellectual curiosity and intellectual honesty... But then if you hold my worldview, those types of things don't particularly surprise you, so the annoyance is dulled significantly. Do you know what I mean?

>>47316 >With that being said, I find that most of the people being moderated aren't "nazis" Self-identifying national socialists will literally fill boards with low quality propaganda if you let them.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not at home, not with my friends, not in class, not alone, not exercising, not studying, not playing vidya, not in my own head. I feel like my life isn't me. I don't really feel like I am living you know?

>>47321 Honestly, the only thing in my life that makes me feel any sort of semblance of a heart beating within is my masturbation sessions. I am realizing that how people actually see me IRL is nothing like my fantasies. ugh

>>47318 It's insulting to pretend that bored losers with no imagination and a lot of time to kill on imageboards are "litterally" the same as the soldiers who tortured, killed and, for the higher ranking ones, orcastrated the entrapment of millions of people.

>>47323 It's only a difference in opportunity, not mindset. Give those fashy little freaks a time machine, and they'd happily goosestep their way across 1939 Europe at the drop of a hat. You're starting to see some of it in modern times, with certain traitorous Americans joining the Ukrainian neonazi Azov Battalion. I give them no opportunity to take root on the forum I moderate. That cancer can't be allowed to fester. The moment I see a fash dogwhistle, I hit "ban" and consider it a job well done. Anyone inadvertantly insulted by any of this is someone I probably wouldn't mind insulting intentionally.

>>47327 Weird that he called it insulting, but I'd say it's fairly bigoted as you also don't [care to] know that the only national socialism that was in practice was populism rather than fascism. But it's also your forum, and I applaud your fascist sentiment. o7 I personally delete/ban for breaking the rules, and if their propaganda falls outside of it, well, it falls outside of it. Although, is it on topic? You see what I mean? I'm fair. This is why I get called things all over the spectrum, from communist to nazi to fascist to jew to nigger and so on. It used to be amusing, but it's pretty bland now. Anyways, I enjoyed the conversation.

>>47328 No, insulting is too strong I admit >>47327 It's also just so boring, we've seen it and it's been done and done again. I'd be worried about the quality of the board or forum dipping due to uncreative/same run of the mill posts.

>>46566 This is me ditto. Slowly I'm changing for my own sake.

I would say that I don't even live in the real world anymore, but an approximation of it, founded on the Internet and the images and text it contains. I've always been like this, ever since I first got Internet access at 12, it's just gotten much worse as I've aged.

A friend of like 3-4 years, we met on a dating app but I quickly realized our lifestyles were incompatible and that thinking of them romantically would ruin a potential relationship, and I was right. We became good friends, during early covid we stopped talking just off of a dumb miscommunication. When I reconnected with them this week finally and cleared the air they had been broken up with their boyfriend for a bit. It was her first non like traumatic or intense breakup, simply a "this isnt working, but weve both grown a lot from eachother and thanks for all the good times" type deal. They had changed dramatically, and now didnt see a lot of their standards (that I initially knew I couldnt meet) as realistic or even necessary. Still I didnt think "Nows my chance", I thought "Nice, now they can meet even more potentially good partners". But then they said something about MY relationship, which is open. She asked "are you trying to say something by saying its open", I just dodged this by describing how me and my partners specific relationship worked. Which is mostly great by the way as for a long time we both understood we may not be together forever and also both wanted to do our own thing, and so its been open for two years. However my partner does get nervous specifically about this friend and one other, likely because I knew said friends first and also I do kind of relate to them more than my partner. Before I even reconnected with this friend my partner made a half joke about if I was going to leave our relationship to run off with friend. Normally I see those comments from them as not good and signs of a growing insecurity. The next day my friend texted me if there was anything i felt we werent talking about and avoiding, I basically said im not sure are we. And then they expressed feeling romantically attracted to me for a long time. I was as truthful with them as possible about all my feelings and left it open and we are gonna meet up to talk about it face to face in a few days. I feel like this was a lapse in judgement, I literally promised myself if something like this ever happened to remind them of all the reasons we wouldnt work out. I have no idea why I said im open to talking about this more. I am very attracted to them, I also dont care that I am. I dont assign any value to romantic attraction at all, it is not a priority for me. I assign a lot of value to friends, and the only benefit of this is if it makes our friendship stronger via us being open and its not awkward after. A lot of it not being awkward is on me too, im the one who will hide and avoid them if things become tense after. Shes already been through stuff like this. I only have once but it was with a friend who we did not have like this "respect" for eachother and didnt care how the other felt about us and it was just a "is this mutual" "no" "oh okay nvm then". So its very anxiety inducing for me to talk about this with her as we both look up to eachother a lot, I actually thought only I did but apparently it was mutual. And that I also dont get, its not that I dont think im worthy. I dont think im anything, I literally enjoy just be a side character almost in my friends lives. I just like seeing them be their best. So I have no idea once im in the equation, IE me and her, if im whats "best" for her. I really dont think so, and I also just dont know because I always analyze and give advice (when she asks) about who i think is good and not good for her from the outside. Im not in the equation, I dont like this at all any of it.

i am permanently derezzed from likely every single service or site you can think of gogle black listed whole region because of me making users to solve 10 captcha to gogle ; coffee all moderators act like a brainless cattle following some kind of puny rule sets that change their real meaning every other day based on who farted more farts internet is supposed to be for sharing data making frens and fun instead it is a puny fart chamber ; whys that ? what gives ? why did internet culture turn into uuooh i can fart more therefore i is only farter in the fart poopoo pee ?

>>46536 bro dump that mf. if you feel you aren't getting loved more than his ex, then what are you doing there go dump him and and make real connections with other people. you don't need to get another bf asap. maybe start with a gym and meet the people there. and no, internet guys from an imageboard doesn't count. you, other lainons and I don't know soykaf about each other. that's not a real connection. just a superficial "ok im anon on internet, hello" thing. good luck.

>>47348 i mean was it worth it and your just like ranting in a half having fun way, if so thats cool. its just cause otherwise, if you didnt want it to happen you could just follow rules, so I dont get being upset about it. Not as in like "you should just follow the rules", no should or shouldnt, just that you knew this would be the inevitable consequence of your actions (or should have at least after the first couple of site bans). Also though sometimes when something pisses me off I just throw myself at it repeatedly in frustration. im not sure man like whats goin on here. is this a sort of bittersweet accomplishment, did you expect things to be different, did you not but this is your way of taking a stand? Regardless nice post made me smile.

i finally started doing things that makes me feel better.

My girlfriend of six years and I had a D&M two weeks ago, where she said that the most she'd felt alive was the six months between her last relationship and us starting our relationship. I asked her what would make her feel alive again, and she said kissing random guys. She wants to move to another city; I said I'd go as well if she found something solid and wasn't just doing it on a whim, and she said that that was missing the point entirely. We have had problems in the bedroom for years; I thought and she had told me that it was because of SSRIs causing her low libido, but what she said during our talk was that our sex has never been good and has never done anything for her, and that now the idea of having sex with me repulses her. A few days later we tried to have fun but she felt uncomfortable and then I felt uncomfortable; she said she didn't mean it when she said that sleeping with me repulsed her, but I'm still just so confused. We haven't slept together since; I don't know if it will feel right next time, if there is a next time. I went to a sex therapist a couple of weeks ago to get treatment for coming too fast in bed; I got prescribed paroxetine, which I think is going to work (now when I jerk off it takes over 30 minutes, and that's if I'm really turned on), but I don't think I'll even be able to keep it up if we ever try it because I just can't get my mind off her saying how uncomfortable it makes her feel I want to make this work, and I think she does too, but unless something drastic changes I don't think we're going to be together for much longer. Man, I feel sick writing this. I'm not mad at her, I just wish I had known years ago so we could have either fixed it or ended it. Like, there is almost a whole 18 months between 2018 and the end of 2019 where I just don't remember anything at all, it was just work, home, sleep, and what I assume was the occasional nice day - we have been stagnant for so long, and it didn't need to be this way. I'm mentally preparing myself for a breakup, because if it happens (which I'm sure it will) it is going to suck. We have a dog, she has a lot of stuff; she will probably need to go back to her parents' place in a small town, and at our age (just short of 30) it could mean the end of any aspirations for her career. I hate the idea of being responsible for that, and we still love and care about each other dearly, but I need physical and emotional intimacy and at the moment I'm just not getting it from this relationship. I have lost so many friends over the years ... I look at my DMs and realise that I don't really speak to anyone, I have the occasional message with people ever few weeks but really I just work and come home to my girlfriend. That's not her fault, but I'm terrified of being alone. I know the first thing I'll do if we do break up is basically download every single hook-up app there is and try to find a feeling with any girl or guy who will give me the time of day, but who knows how that will go ... The pandemic is like kicking dead whales down the beach, I'm so fuarrrking lonely and yet when the lockdown lifted for a bit I was so anxious at the idea of going out that I just didn't ... now we're in lockdown again and I just regret it. fuarrrk this soykaf.

>>47375 What really kills me, both because it makes me feel completely inadequate and because I feel like a real scumbag doing it, is that I know she gets herself off when I'm at work, because her vibrators are used when I get home. I truly thought she just had a low libido because she took a mouthful of pills everyday; she doesn't, she just isn't into me. Of course I think it's great that she gets herself off, I mean I get myself off almost everyday ... I just wish I could be enough. It's painful to know that she doesn't think of me in the way that I think of her. I know that her last boyfriend was the best fuarrrk she's ever had, and he recently got engaged which made her feel down - she said she hated his fiancee because she was 'cutting my grass'. I snooped on messages she had sent to him a few years ago, where she asked if there was any chance for them; he said no (he doesn't seem like all too bad a guy, he broke up with her because he was in the military and wasn't having fun with long distance). Then I saw a screenshot she took of 'Til Kingdom Come' by Coldplay; I don't like Coldplay, I'd never seen the lyrics, and god reading them and knowing they were about someone else made me feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I'm a massive creep and a perv, it makes me ill. It also makes me ill knowing how unwanted I am. Maybe we'll find our way, but it seems unlikely. I'm just waiting to see whether she wants to work on what we have or if we just call it. I believe her when she says she loves me, I really do, but at some point we both need to figure out if we're just scared of being alone or scared of change - we can't turn 30 like this, if that's where we're headed then we both deserve better.

Been trying to finish my college work, but I'm physically incapable of doing it. Anytime I try, I loose all control of my thoughts and body. All I hear and can process is screaming. I loose control of my limbs, normally my arms, head, and body jerk around strangely, although now I've started stabbing myself with pencils or screwdrivers (main reason I refuse to have a knife or scissors in my workspace) and hitting my head with either my fists, or my laptop. I can't control these movements. The only easy way to stop this is to take a double-dosed sleeping pill. I have not the faintest idea whats wrong with me, but its definitely hurting me in many ways. Any lainons have a clue?

>>47384 hey lain, maybe if it would be better to see a psychiatrist/psychologue if you're willing to ? Do not forget that we are going through an extremely stressful time and the fact that you are in college doesn't help with that, do not think that you are at fault for your behaviour or it is a lack of power or willingness ! You might have more answers (and better ones) if you talk to it to a professional with you can. Keep the head up you will eventually get better

>>47375 >>47376 I can't say I've been even close to that kind of situation or have advice for you, but good luck with your relationship. I hope you guys are able to stick it out together.

>>47388 Thanks Lain, that means a lot :-)

>>47376 Checking her vibrators for usage and snooping on her private messages, even if you're in a relationship, is the behaviour of a creepy stalker and not a boyfriend. If I were her and knew about any of this, I'd be making arrangements to move out ASAP.

>>47375 Leave her now. Trying to stick around will just draw out the inevitable. Also stop creeping on your gf.

>>47393 100% this. Im going to be less blunt and say its not good for you >>47376 either. Realistically what are you trying to do, say its some extreme where you cant get them off and they feel a need to do it themselves to be satisfied, all your doing by prying and snooping especially if you ever translated that to words or actions is decreasing their autonomy and satisfaction with your relationship. Same with the messages. If they want you, they will stay and becoming paranoid and depressed about them still having some feelings for an ex (which does not equal action and is common and not their fault) will actually give them a reason to leave where maybe there wasnt one before. If they do end up cheating or leaving all youd be doing by prying is forcing them to be with you when they want someone else, delaying the inevitable at the cost of both of your guys happiness. Sex isnt everything truly, many people dont end up with their "best fuarrrk". Most like healthy adults (and truthfully girls tend to learn this first through exeperience, not that they always do or guys dont) end up learning to value someone being there for them and helping them grow and stability and actual love vs warm feelings or excitement. 90% of the time i hear some guy talking all this stuff based around paranoia about girls leaving them or cheating or whatever its a projection based on themselves only understanding love as far as "i get warm fuzzies and feel safe comfy around them" which isnt honestly a good foundation for a relationship beyond a fling or hookup. You wont maintain that forever, and at best it comes and goes and you just have rollercoaster relationship. If you dont feel like you are enough for your partner thats not about them thats on you, and its not on you not being enough. Perhaps you arent enough simply for them which is fine as everyone has different levels of "high maintenance", or perhaps you dont see how much you bring to the table because you dont listen and internalize, or dont ask in the first place ever about what various friends and loved ones get out of the relationship with you. If you did know you could just know "if they did leave me for whoever theyd lose this this and this, and that would be in fact a loss for them". It doesnt mean it wont ever happen, or that it wont be upsetting if it did, but for me at least i have 0 paranoia about someone leaving me (and i used to a lot) because I know I will be okay, and I wouldnt even hate them or be mad if they did because im confident it was likely a tough decision that doesnt reflect poorly on me as im aware always of what i provide for people. And so its just incompatibility, there was things someone else provided that they value more than what I provide. Our values are different, thats fair grounds for a break up completely.

>>47400 >>47399 >>47393 You’re all completely right. Have a lot of work to do.

A few nights ago I asked my internet friend to pretend he was my bf for the evening so I could have some approximation of what it's like to be loved. Suffice it to say, I'm not looking forward to the remainder of my natural life.

>>47407 Wait, you're homo? Have you ever tried a hookup app? I've heard that it's really easy for homos to find sex.

>>47408 >Wait, you're homo? Not really. Just incredibly lonely. I want to be loved, not fuarrrked.

I'm becoming deaf. People talk and they seem to understand each other but all I hear is muffled nonsense. I'm already suicidal and I feel as alienated as one can be and this is making life unbearable. I just want to end it.

>>47417 Don't be a pussy. My hearing also has worsened for the last few years and I have persistent tinnitus. As long as you hear anything and can see, the hope is not lost. You can still use technology to communicate and become a cyborg. Speech recognition and synthesis algorithms are getting better and better and I bet there are some usable applications.

>>47419 >You can still use technology to communicate I hate technology. I was always unfit for real life and now I hate technology too. There's nowhere for me to go. I am so tired of everything, the internet, media, all this bullshit, but then I recognize I could never venture in real life. All the time I've spent with technology was coping with the disability that hit me. Now that I want to unplug I can't hear what people say. It's like some kind of cruel joke. I don't even use headphones or listen to music.

>>47419 Also that's a perfect opportunity to check which friends are real and filter fakes. You don't need to become deaf to be alienated. If I was going to become completely deaf, I would only miss: music, the voice of my hot friend, birds singing and rustle of trees during spring and summer. The rest is annoying but informative. Get over it and keep going, your body is just a bag of meat after all. One day your case might be curable.

>>47421 I don't have any friends. My life's been a trainwreck for the past decade. I'll just drop this, I forgot that this place is just people who LARP.

>>47420 >There's nowhere for me to go. I am so tired of everything, the internet, media, all this bullshit, but then I recognize I could never venture in real life. That is like kicking dead whales down the beach. No one forces you to use bullshit media though - use only the applications you need to hear and to respond to people, that's all. One mobile phone and one app won't eat you. Technology is only as bad as you allow it to be.

>>47422 >I don't have any friends. My life's been a trainwreck for the past decade. Okay then, I won't stop you any further if you don't enjoy your life in any way. I just hate seeing people giving up. >I forgot that this place is just people who LARP. T-thanks, I just wanted to help.

>>47420 Chummer, if you actually hate tech, and you can't into society, and you have no friends, why don't you go in turbo avtism mode, and escape into the wilderness? Become a primitive survivalist, living off the land, or maybe a voluntary hobo, rifling through the trash, and building what you need from discarded scrap. Choice is yours, do whatcha want, and if you dunno whatchu want, think about it and try finding it.

>>47425 >mentions disability >going deaf >become a primitive survivalist bro

>>47364 my goal is to block my country from malicious sites ; if you live where i do ; you cannot post on any quadcheddar board in example which is great meaning it will deter mass amount of people from ever visiting soykafty poopoo fart chamber again ; google quadrippled captcha for my region and such and most importantly making glitterboy mods fuarrrking mad stupid irani soykafskin mods doxx themselves so i can spam them cp and than spam report them to cia hq its fuarrrking hilarious mods here are too pathetic for me to play w tho >id give you my address ; my stand your ground + castle doctorine state would grant me the access to the most powerful ban hammer ever seen on the internet and id actually livestream it on lainstream. type of pathetic like holy fuarrrking soykaf nigger thinks that mac address ban is special or what while dozzing on SNEED and CHUMP buzzdump words literal fuarrrking pathetic kids w no actual arguments nor intellect to engage in big boy talk

>>47348 what the fvck is your problem, did someone p!ss in your coffee or what? что за херня, не ну реально, что ты нервничаешь? >>47426 yes, i understood that, you're going deaf. What is the problem with going innawoods tho? i genuinely don't see the conflict here: You say you are going deaf, and you dislike technology, and you don't expect to succeed in society/life, AND you have nowhere to go, as you said yourself in >>47420, why don't you go into the wild? It is very calming, and you can find yourself nature, discover who you are, what you want, maybe even find hope. But hey. In the end, that's your decision to make, i can only make suggestions. You can do what you want, Chummer. But do me one favor: do not reply to this post. Thanks.

i feel like i am the only dumb person on Imageboards. I can't bring myself to research more, educate myself so i can actually bring stuff to the table. I feel the need to contribute, but everything i write is horseshit, so i go back to lurking.

fuarrrk this society. Western society is terrible, and is never going to get batter. There is a blatant exhibitionism that is present, but one which you can never call out. Compared with other societies like Japan (I want to look into Orthodox views on this, they may be similar), the exhibitionism is discouraged *but* one can discuss sexuality as an intellectual topic, or use it for intelligent comedy or a motivation to create (especially in Japan) no problem. I get soykaf on even here, every English speaking forum is cyberhumped. We need to escape.

>>47455 Few people on imageboards actually read or go out of their way to grow. A lot of people are stuck in their ways and refuse to read "the other side", or give their own evaluation of whatever data is provided, or anything like that. It is really sad. Don't worry, you aren't the only "dumb person".. In fact, you can admit it, which is not particularly brave, anonymously.. But you are being honest with yourself, which is an entry point into being better.

>>47459 One side says Freud is a nazi and ultra right-wing because he talks about "genital" sexuality, and it disproves your "feminine brain" hypothesis. The other says that sexuality and the libido must not be talked about, and those feelings must be repressed and there must be no mention of it, because it's not holy to even think about something, not even act on it. fuarrrk this gay society.

I hate being a pervert. It brings momentary excitement to me, but lasting disgust. I have been looking into self directed psychedelic therapy for quite some time now, I hope it works. All I want is to feel the same joy that I feel from my fetishes with another person, non-pervertedly.

>>47459 >Japan >intelligent comedy

>>47416 Stop believing in cookie cutter romanticized style of love. Your friend insider trading you out of pitty did you more harm than good. >>47348 >gogle black listed whole region because of me making users to solve 10 captcha to gogle how the fuarrrk did you manage that

>>47300 A monkey can be born in an aquarium but it is not a fish

>>47300 >no source >no context >just a screenshot >funny but otherwise hateful message That's what I would expect from a Russian bot whose purpose is to detach Poland from the EU. Anyway: every nation has its own subhumans and you better remember that. I bet there are Poles who would stab a German driver here too, because that's how monkeys work. Every nation has its apes but there are good people too.

i'm so confused with where i want to go in my life, i feel like im pulled 20 directions. none of them are bad options but all of them require a good degree of expertise so i want to choose so i know what to lay out. to not vague post, im not sure whether i want to do a job in software engineering, hardware engineering, HPC or scientific computing. i'll be 30 by the time i graduate, i spent 8 years neeting so i kinda want to get my life started and have some money im still going through a 5 month process as of yet to get ADHD meds, i had tests done where i tested positive. i have to pass 2 drug tests a month apart to get stimulants and what it'll be like is my next appointment is when the next one is ordered which means it's going to be a MONTH after THAT to get prescribed. they put me on strattera for the time being but it's not soykaf. it makes me feel drowsy. being on adderall during the summer would've been amazing but it doesn't look like that'll happen before school starts. psychiatrist insists i should take SSRIs but i refuse them every time. if anything, i think i should be more depressed i'm losing out on $300 a week now because my state wants people to work restaurant jobs for $7/hour, i kinda counted on that to get through this year so i'm going to have to make it up somewhere.

>>47481 >imagine being so pavlovd you have to npc reply to everything bad with bot

>>47483 Someone having so simple opinions about the world may as well be a bot. And before calling me an NPC, get the essential skill of reading comprehension - I wrote "That's what I would expect" and not "He is". You have to be pretty naive to think bots aren't used to affect opinions of the masses.

>>46279 It isn't just nostalgia. The internet today is almost unrecognisable compared to the internet of, say, 2005. Met my wife on a manga forum back in the day. I simply could not conceive of doing the same thing today given the garbage state of the internet now. I genuinely feel sorry for those who missed out on the pre-modern internet. The internet as we knew it is effectively dead. Even chans are just a holdout against the inevitable. The holdouts will eventually either be poisoned by commercialisation or slowly rot away into irrelevance as the community bleeds away, lost forever.

>>47484 Pavlov is about reaction on a cue. His post quality doesnt even matter. The fact you jump on it instead of letting it die was what i was pointing at.

>>47481 >>no source does it have to be for everything? Do you ask for source IRL? Why not argue a point at face value? >>no context Does it matter? >>just a screenshot Just a reply >>funny but otherwise hateful message Hate isn't a "bad emotion". I hate this pacified passive peaceful outlook on world the western leftists created in last 50 years. All emotions are GOOD emotions. Stop trying to pacify people. >That's what I would expect from a Russian bot whose purpose is to detach Poland from the EU. UMMMMM SOURCE????? WOW, ACCUSATIONS WITHOUT SOURCES AND PROOF That's how you sound, schizo, go take your meds >Every nation has its apes but there are good people too. >>>Umm "What is a bell curve?" for 200$ Richard. Seriously, only a braindead retard like you would try to use relativism with some basic bitch response that every 5 year old already heard to try to argue their point. And I am most certain you are some soyboy or a tranny, because only them have "enough" testosterone to actively bitch out bot like responses while telling others they're bots. Go be oversocialized leftist somewhere else.

>>47487 >And I am most certain you are some soyboy or a tranny, youre applying american stereotypes to a german which doesnt work hes just a typical german native, they like to deny issues and love to circle jerk how their nation is superior. School insider trades how great and rich the nation is without ever telling you the money is in the corps not the people and german people are financially a wreck in eu. t.german immigrant

>>47488 wew, okay, weakling with nothing to pride themselves in nonetheless. Soyboy in the making I guess.

I'm a retard and I'm sorry. I promise I will do better from now on. Just for you so please don't you give up too.

>>47487 You posted a few lines of text in a .png file. I could do any kind of "NEWS" article this way in GIMP in 3 minutes. A good source would be the website you took it from or better a police report. >Hate isn't a "bad emotion". I hate this pacified passive peaceful outlook on world the western leftists created in last 50 years. All emotions are GOOD emotions. Stop trying to pacify people. Hating entire nation because one random German did something is just stupid. Hate people who do harm and identify with this harm, not everyone. >the rest of your post Go back to halfchan, you don't belong here. >>47488 I'm a Pole actually.

>>47487 You have no respect for people. Maybe you should go out for a change, try talking to people like you talk to random anons on the internet, see for yourself how far you get with your attitude. Just don't be surprised when you get insulted, or even worse, beaten to a pulp for p!ss!ng off people by being an arrogant Drekhead.

>>47492 fair, thought "here" meant you were also german. Ive got a sore spot from native germans telling me how everything is fine while living in the nice part of town while the local shops got robbed multiple times and not too long ago one dude got thrown off the bridge and drowned in the river.

>>47487 >does it have to be for everything? Do you ask for source IRL? Why not argue a point at face value? It wouldn't hurt now, would it? Why start a pointless argument if the initial information is false? Or would you argue in favor of 9/11 being a conspiracy theory if you already knew it wasn't one? >Hate isn't a "bad emotion". Depends. Do you mean "bad" as in "a morally ourageous/prohibited emotion" or as in "a physically harmful emotion"? Because, in the latter sense, it actually is a "bad emotion" as it increases the likelihood of blood pressure and anxiety issues. >That's how you sound, schizo, go take your meds Go have a look at the rules of this imageboard. It states "Always argue in good faith and avoid using personal attacks." If you can't adhere to the rules, go find a new place for yourself to spread your cancer. Generally speaking, If I may so suggest, I think you could use a change in your approach of trying to convince someone of a particular belief's merits with, like, logic and reason, instead of the usual half-chan untermensch soykaf-talk that you are now exercising in your post.

>>47497 >>Or would you argue in favor of 9/11 being a conspiracy theory if you already knew it wasn't one? My point is that you need to be able to entertain the thought in order to see the other side and other point of view. 9/11 being or not being a conspiracy has little impact on my life, but I like to see how a guy owning the towers put up insurance from terrorism couple of months back before the event, how "his wife insisted on not going to WTC in the morning" and how there are countless account of stories of WTC falling at Terminal velocity collapsing in of themselves instead of leaning in any way such as people implied by fires bending steel beams. I mean, the whole "jet fuel can't melt steel beams" meme was made to mock people like you, can't you understand that? It was you who started this discussion, I don't care if it's conspiracy or not, but I find it amusing that you're hellbent on making me into some kind of boogieman or strawman fuarrrk off, I don't care if I make myself into a stereotype you want me to, I am glad to do it. >or as in "a physically harmful emotion"? Because, in the latter sense, it actually is a "bad emotion" as it increases the likelihood of blood pressure and anxiety issues. The western leftists conflate the two points, but you're right. In fact, everything has negative outcomes, you just have to choose which ones. Also, hating someone and then breaking their bones in a fight is much sweeter feeling than being a goody two shoes all the time. >Always argue in good faith and avoid using personal attacks Are you trying to imply I am not? Just because I abrasively talk with you that doesn't mean I don't talk constructively or with purpose. Personal attacks are needed sometimes to understand the severity of words. Calling other bots and then cowering behing "oh you're a meany because you call me crazy" is something that can't be more whiny than it possibly is. Will you cry about your broken wrists while you punch me too? Lmao >If you can't adhere to the rules, go find a new place for yourself to spread your cancer Make me homo (not that there is anything wrong with that, right ;) >I think you could use a change in your approach of trying to convince someone of a particular belief's merits with, like, logic and reason, instead of the usual half-chan untermensch soykaf-talk that you are now exercising in your post. I can give you a suggestion back, go have sex you permavirgin

>>47494 Cry me a river, internet tough guy

>>47498 >>47499 >Given advice that respect and mutual understanding goes a long way of making people listen to you, instead of simply telling you to p!ss off >Internet tough guy Fvcking kek, found the edgy 14-year old turbo-4chann!gger.

>>47500 >given advice about respect after being insulted shove it up right your a hole, you a hole

>>47502 Where did I insult you? Show me where and how I insulted you before giving you advice. If you didn't notice it yet, I'm namef4gging, and I do it for exactly this reason: so no one can attribute something I didn't say to me. >Shove it up your 4sshole Again, learn to behave like a normal person, not like a Drekhead.

>>47502 Btw I am a raging homosexual that likes to butt in other peoples arguments because it is boring in my life

>>47567 post ur peepee pls

>>47507 Stop arguing you dumbass, and lurk more until you recognize bait.

>>47580 >everything that angers me is bait Maybe you responded to anger to me responding to myself? Couldn't you think of a situation where a troll pretends to be a retard that is arguing with himself? How about you go back to lurking and stop giving others advice, huh?

>>46000 Been fuarrrking up one thing after the other this month. Dropped out of college, lost my job, I'm now living with my mom again, and the worst thing's her being not angry at me, but really fuarrrking disappointed. I think she might die at this point, she already has grey hair. fuarrrk me, I would've ended myself, if it wasn't for her.

only thing colder than this weather is my heart

I only regret things because I had acted on egoism. Without practice, things like this aren't clear, but once another subject reacts, you get to feel the mistake that you had made. Especially if one did Psychedelics, they would have experiences which are impossible to describe. People with Scizophrenia, full on, are evil. Blaming a disease of the mind on the brain, solely, is the same as early Western thinking about the "humours" of the blood. Religion is emotional problem solving. nig nog

I'm lost again. If I had knew something 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't have to take another 1 year detour in my life. I always know the better decision after committing soykaf. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing this time and I fear I'll regret my decision in the future. I don't know anymore.

It just feels meaningless. I wish he would stop acting out. I do it all for his sake and mine.

I'm starved of new experiences and people and I'm too afraid and complacent to actually try seeking them out. It's not that I get no enjoyment from those, I just seem to intuitively prefer familiar and therefore easier to process things. I suppose it's normal for the majority of people, but in my case it's almost pathological. I stay inside most of the time, I listen to the same few albums on repeat, I get the same thoughts, I talk to the same two people about the same things as usual. It's mindnumbing and yet I am petrified of changing anything as it is stressful and can fail in more ways than one. Trying is important but it's exhausting sometimes. I wish I could simply act without thinking much and focus on the possible benefits like most normal people do.

>>47869 What would you do if "life" were to never get "interesting" again? >I get the same thoughts How is this "almost pathological"? >I talk to the same two people about the same things Again, how is this "almost pathological"?

>>47870 It simply drives me up the wall. I can rant and debate the same issues inside my head everyday for hours. It steals time. It brings nothing new to the table. I become a broken record with an increasingly slipping grip on reality. People that I talk to are visibly tired from me, and as their lives and interests change, there are less and less opportunities to communicate, relate to each other and so on. If I let it continue, I'll eventually be left alone at the mercy of my declining wellbeing. >What would you do if "life" were to never get "interesting" again? I have no idea. My life is not interesting as it is right now, so I suppose I seek ways to change this, internally and externally.

>>47871 >I can rant and debate the same issues inside my head everyday for hours. It steals time. Is it about things you have control over, but which are hard to come up with a solution, like having confidence to leave your room or to study? Or is it fantasizing about solving things which are completely outside of your control and you just need to accept, like "society", "people", or the "government" (it's not bad to think about these, but it is when you fantasize completely hypothetical solutions, which are not based in reality)?

>>47871 >>47873 >It brings nothing new to the table. It's not your job to bring anything new to the table. It's nobody's job, and no one is even capable of creating or thinking something entirely "new". Even the most adored historical "mad genius". >I become a broken record with an increasingly slipping grip on reality. Has somebody called you out for this? >People that I talk to are visibly tired from me, and as their lives and interests change, there are less and less opportunities to communicate, relate to each other and so on. You can't control the fact that their interests change, so there's no use being upset. The only thing in your power is to find new people to have relationships with.

>>47873 It's both. Though I fantasize mainly about things which I can feasibly achieve: a healthier, more active lifestyle, better time management, friends and so forth. >>47874 Oh, I didn't mean that kind of "new". You know how after enough reflection, ideally, you should arrive at some realization or a solution, however small? That's the "new" I meant. Instead the thoughts stew inside my head seemingly indefinitely and never lead to anything. >Has somebody called you out for this? Sometimes I do hear remarks that I talk about all the same stuff. Furthermore, I keep a diary which I skim through occasionally, and I seem to bring up the same issues and points time and time again. >You can't control the fact that their interests change, so there's no use being upset. The only thing in your power is to find new people to have relationships with. Thank you for the advice.

I've gone a lifetime without female attention and now I've started having sexual thoughts about my sister since she's the only girl that regularly talks to me. This might bring me to suicide.

>>47909 >I've started having sexual thoughts about my sister since she's the only girl that regularly talks to me. Don't know if this will make you feel any better, but same was confirmed in rats: if a male rat has no other females available, his time spent on sniffing his sister's urine becomes longer and he starts mating with her. What I mean by this is that this is physiological behavior of animals and is an adaptations - often our ancestors survived that way when it was hard to find a female. So from evolutionary and survival-wise perspective your feelings are normal.

>>47910 *is an adaptation

>>47910 I guess that makes sense, but it's not particularly comforting. I guess I'll just have to live with it. What are your thoughts on behavioural sink? And applying rats to human psychology in general?

>>47952 Evolutionary psychology - common roots in brain and behavior evolution, convergence in evolution. We're different from rats by only 100M years of evolution (or something like that). Mammals share a huge piece of history so survival strategies are often similar. Don't get me wrong, it's only a hypothesis, but it seems logical. It would still need research, but that part about rats is from a book about pheromones I was reading once. Brain as we know it evolved several times across the animal kingdom - vertebrates, molluscans and insects. Even though the organs evolved de novo, these animals often have similar responses to the same situation, that's because of convergent evolution: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convergent_evolution Because of that, you can safely assume animal behavior has its equivalent in humans, especially when considering closely-related groups.

>>47952 >>47952 >What are your thoughts on behavioural sink? I heard something about it but didn't really do any research. Generally speaking animals and life generally is stressed if exposed to conditions different from natural. If you think about humans, we didn't face overpopulation as we face now 200 years ago. Adaptation through evolution takes time, often thousands of years, so no wonder we're stressed as hell. Our environment changes faster than our bodies, that's dangerous. Our normal environment is savannah and forest, not walls of concrete and cities.

>>46000 So I decided to try to get a job before mugging people or making counterfeit currency on indeed.com. Their resume upload/create buttons were invisible and I had to contact them to even try to fix it. They said delete cookies and cache data, I instead had to download a second browser, Chromium rather than use Firefox. It thus worked, not that I have anything to really give the resume as a long term neet. Fast forward and I take their placement tests. One of them I never finish as it makes no sense. The other is as simple English proficiency test. I score in between 300ish and 500ish, out of 800. "Familiar". English is my only forte in reality and it basically gave me either a D or an F, not sure which, but called it familiar to attempt to not piss me off. I tested college level English, as in college ready for English, back when i took my college placement test after getting my HS diploma, a normal one of course, the diploma. Despite my being around rednecks and niggers and speaking far better than they do and despite their having jobs I get told I'm merely familiar with the English language? Just how high is their proverbial bar set? People around me use words like tooken rather than taken and other horrible sounding 'English' words and awful grammar too. Just how bad would these trashy people test. Are they all on SSI, of which I was rejected from THREE TIMES OVER? Familiar my ass. 800 points is a 100, I got in between 300ish and 571, but 572 is proficient. So what was it? 350, 450, 550?? 570 for fuarrrks sake? Just what the fuarrrk was it?!? So I deleted my account and as usual remain utterly penniless whilst contemplating murder and also counterfeit money creation. I wonder which 'paint' application(s) detect things that are currency...

Been having nightmares about my relationships being torn apart/betraying people I care about. My brain cant handle having consistent relationships and I secretly expect everything to fall apart. I cant get these thoughts out of my head.

>>47975 you have to curate meaningful art ob conversation you have to demonstrate sacred morals have you tried seeking authenticity ?

>>47975 There's nothing wrong with that. In fact you should contemplate at least once a day about losing your loved ones and losing all of your material possessions. Think of saying goodbye to a friend or a family member as the last time you'll see them. If you do lose them, you'll be mentally prepared to deal with it and if you don't, you'll appreciate more people in your life.

>>47975 have you tried to create more buffers to pace out your relationships , by which I mean try to let relaxing moments breathe . >>47978 sounds like self-punishment or preemptive detachment . isolation can help with building potential entropy but you should not let ppl manipulate you into that course of action . you decide if you want to contribute to the meme war effort or not .

Just discovered a lump on me. It might be cancer. I'm a useless NEET in my mid 20s and I might die before I get my life back on track. (Sorry for the frogpost, but it was the only thing that captures my feeling.)

>>47987 Thats real fuarrrkin rough homie. Now that you have cancer though you can speedrun life and people will think you're heroic instead of stupid.

>>47987 just to interject for a moment, might not be a cancer here is my personal story >be 19 >go jerk off >feel that right testicle is much bigger than left one >and more "firm" than left one >touch it a bit more >FIND A LUMP ON MY RIGHT TESTICLE >tell my father like an overgrown child I was >he feels the lump >we pack and go to private doctor (healthcare is free here but its completely soykaf) >pay something like 50$ for private doctor ultrasound and consult >"it's just a bening buildup on testicle, most probably sperm, should go away by itself in matter of few months" >"why did it happen" >"too much production of sperm + sitting all day" >start making physical excercise my moto and jerk even more >no more bullets in my gun cuz spew it all out >a year passes >lump still there >go to public free healthcare >stand in line for literally 12 hours >line filled with geezers who check on their prostate >young nurse sees me, the only young guy and pushes me through the line after 12 hours >glitterboy doctor touches me and says that he doesn't feel the lump >start arguing with glitterboy doctor >see his indifference in the eyes >throw some of his soykaf on the floor and go to private doctor again >she tells me that I have higher sperm creation numbers and that I need more physical excercise and jerk off more funneh but true story anon, everyone laughs when I tell them that I got a prescription to jerk off more things might not be cancerous, check on them. Might be just a lump of matter, an inflamation, a bening tumor or an early stage cancer that you can easily treat Don't let your depression dictate your life

>>47991 >>47987 PS This might be a wakeup call to not die an useless NEET

>>47991 Man, that's a nice story.

How do I keep going despite having little support from society? I've always wanted to have a mentor but I have none. I wish I had friends to share my hobbies and goals with. I wish I had a friend who would care about me as much as I care about them. I want to be a hero but all I do is day dreaming about power. How do I get the motivation needed to fulfill my dreams if all I have is silence? Where does your motivation come from, lain?

>>48015 There is support without ever talking to a human. Youtube & other sites offer vast arrays of knowledge to act auto didactic. As for motivation just look back and see what you still remember fondly and what you consider empty now. For me i realized i dont care about my old glad title in wow but i still look fondly on my old 3d work. So i don't spend time with wow anymore for another ingame achievement and work instead on things i can see holding value like more 3d modeling that will improve my skillset. Its a bit like investing - you build for the future knowing what you will value not only now but later too.

>>48016 >There is support without ever talking to a human. I mean emotional support. Like friends talking. >Youtube & other sites offer vast arrays of knowledge to act auto didactic. I have all that, I have all the books needed, but I feel lonely and hopeless. The problem with me is that I exactly know what's important at the level of thinking but I fail to feel it emotionally. I lack the strength to go forward without getting emotional support. I'm weak for needing people, I wish I could become a soulless machine for some time.

For the past 9 days, I have felt like I am existing in a meta state. I have been emotionally numb and extremely negative thoughts circulate in my head. Any advice on how to get past this, it's really fuarrrking with me.

>>48018 Any particular reason for that? What do you do everyday? Do you sleep and eat well, exercise, etc? Going out might help if you're always at home. Can't do anything without knowing the details, tell me more.

>>48019 >>48018 Also expect the answer tomorrow because I'm going to sleep now.

>>48019 >>48020 >Any particular reason for that? Nothing specifically, I was in the hospital a month ago for appendicitis and was doing some light existential thinking on the side until it exponentially began to consume me 9 days ago. >What do you do everyday? Keep myself occupied with work, I don't exercise often but I am not unhealthy and keep an okay diet. >Going out might help if you're always at home. I went out with one of my friends who was aware of my situation, we played some mini golf but the entire time I just felt consumed by my mind. I would like to get out more but that's a bit complicated right now. >tell me more The negative thoughts have manifested themselves as me dying or my family dying which really hurt me the other day. Sometimes they make me feel really lonely. They also tell me that everything is pointless and that I should just give up on life. Part of me knows these thoughts are irrational but part of me is afraid these thoughts are the truth. I've tried playing vidya and building gunpla but I just can't find any enjoyment in this state of mind. I am hoping to God that this is just a quick and done thing because I don't have time to be down like this.

>>48021 >appendicitis Fascinating. Gut flora can actually affect your mood and appendix is a storage for microorganisms. I hope you take probiotics after the operation, microbes in your guts produce vitamins essential for your health. >Keep myself occupied with work, I don't exercise often but I am not unhealthy and keep an okay diet. Sounds okay I guess. You're not a vegan or something? >I would like to get out more but that's a bit complicated right now. If you don't go out often you can have D3 vitamin deficiency, especially if you live in a cloudy place. D3 deficiency can change your mood and cause depression. You can get it by eating livers and oily fish or just spending some time in the sun. >The negative thoughts have manifested themselves as me dying or my family dying which really hurt me the other day. Sometimes they make me feel really lonely. They also tell me that everything is pointless and that I should just give up on life. Well, you're basically me in this case. These are normal thoughts of a normal thinking human being (NPCs don't think like that). >Part of me knows these thoughts are irrational but part of me is afraid these thoughts are the truth. Are these scenarios possible? Yes - do something about it to avoid it, No - these thoughts are useless and you shouldn't be concerned. Also as for the "purpose" of life - you pick it and you decide what's valuable for you and what you want to protect. >I am hoping to God that this is just a quick and done thing because I don't have time to be down like this. Well, at least you have that, some people struggle to find their purpose without God and all they see in life is darkness. Generally speaking if you don't know why you feel this particular way, there's likely something wrong with you at the level of body (imbalance) or you're subconsciously concerned about something but didn't acknowledge it yet (like that surgery make you realize you're mortal). Your body is a complicated machine and if something's wrong with it, e.g. lack of vitamins, it informs you about it in the form of stress, feeling of discomfort or obsessive thoughts. Sorry for the reductionist approach but I'm not good as an emotional support, I only like hacking machines.

>>47993 thank you my man, I like to say it

>>48017 There is no weakness for needing people. It's ok to need relationships.

>>48017 >i lack the strength to go forward without getting emotional support. whew, can't help you with that. You mentioned that you don't feel what you need emotionally? I think that's maybe because of the lack of physical stimulus. I have that sometimes, that i know what needs to be done, but i get the "hooo fvck, please no, i can't get my ass up, leave me be". If it's that, forcing yourself physically by implementing a routine helps. It doesn't have to be much, just getting up early, doing some stretches and pushups before anything else is enough. Push yourself physically, scream at yourself to get up, do you have an active imagination? Imagine yourself to be in a life or death situation, and that you need to get up, before getting crushed to death or something, that's what helps me. If it seems hard, don't give up, force yourself more, as the weak parts of you will want to wash over you, force them to give in. If it's a depression problem, you have to know one thing: Depression is the feeling of not knowing what to do, how to escape your situation. Maybe it's because you don't see your options, or maybe you can't understand the reasons why nothing you try works. If you have this situation, come here, and explain it to us the best you can, We (or, at least, I, dunno about the other lainons) will try to help you get on your feet. Don't give up, you're one of the special people who are special in their way of thinking and their abilities, it would be a waste for you to become a mindless zombie, or an hero.

>>48021 hey, just wanted to add to >>48029 (not the same anon). If you can't go outside, or the weather is sh!tty around your parts, try eating different seafood. I heard that even canned tuna and salmon contains good amounts of vitamin D, so there's that. What i can definitely recommend from my own experience, are free-range Chicken eggs, specifically the yolks. some 1-2 eggs for breakfast already make up almost 40% of the daily intake. That's for free-range eggs, avoid the conventionally raised ones, i know that because i raise chickens myself, and i never had vitamin D problems ever since i started eating my own eggs(even though it's very cloudy where i live, at least this year). you can take your mind off things like these by doing a little light excercise, i know it helps me, i do it often in the winter. just some stretches, 4-5 pushups, nothing too hard, just something to get the blood flowing. Also, i hope you're opening your windows often. Vent at least 2 times a day, having fresh oxygen really helps.

>>48034 >If it's that, forcing yourself physically by implementing a routine helps. It doesn't have to be much, just getting up early, doing some stretches and pushups before anything else is enough. Push yourself physically, scream at yourself to get up, do you have an active imagination? Imagine yourself to be in a life or death situation, and that you need to get up, before getting crushed to death or something, that's what helps me. If it seems hard, don't give up, force yourself more, as the weak parts of you will want to wash over you, force them to give in. I'll try doing that, thanks.

>>48029 No need to apologize, any support is good support in my eyes. >>48035 Thanks for the info, I have been doing some walking outside and it helps me a little bit and is definitely good for me. To follow up on my current state, I woke up and felt pretty normal (best I have felt in days) but as the day went on I started feeling pretty bad which peaked about an hour ago. My mood has been having a lot of swings, but I think the general trajectory is up from where I hit rock bottom some days ago.

>not_my_art.jpg Seeing how so many people can openly be artists just blows my mind. There's no way my family would accept it, especially considering the stuff I draw and am inspired by. I'm so secretive, but it makes sense. There's so much shiit I can't talk about or else risk my livelihood and wellbeing. The fact that I'm not religious, or rather someone finding it out, scares the shiit out of me. I recently started a Twitter, because I WANT to share my art and I WANT to reach like-minded people, but I can barely get myself to post. Holy fuuck what if someone tracks me down? What if someone doxxes me? What if, what if, what if. It's driving me fuarrrking insane.

>>48041 >There's so much shiit I can't talk about or else risk my livelihood and wellbeing. Are you a loli artist? I would say post your style, but always use a pen-name, and never share your face or where or who you actually are with anyone (unless it's an artist who you befriend and you both mutually share info). People would know you only by your pen-name. Do not waste your time drawing corporate art, and do not make a safe-for-work portfolio attached to your real name; limit all you can the chances of somebody triangulating your style back to your real-world social self. Graphic design is fine and very fuarrrking fun as a hobby, but it pays soykaf as a job, and is extremely soul crushing, not even worth the risk of an info leak. There are people who have 10+ years of making lots of perverted and strange content, and nobody can find out who they are, don't worry. tldr: don't be an attention whore

>>48045 He sounds like that ex-muslim lainon for me but that's just my bet.

I have zero interest in life and I feel guilty because of that. There are two sides to this. I'm a fraud and my life is a sham, I lie to myself and to others in hopes that I'll change. I keep a routine, I study and exercise, I try to be social, but all of that feels like a bandaid on a gaping wound, the emptiness is still there. It doesn't help that I effectively trick people into thinking that I'm a better person than I truly am. At the same time, I feel like I'm wasting my time and potential: I haven't found my passion yet, I'm not being professional enough, I'm jeopardizing my future and disregard my natural capabilities and talents, and so I feel immense guilt because of that. If I were to let myself entirely loose, I'd just be inside playing vidya and browsing the Internet all day. I don't care much about anything else, and yet the world demands I do. Part of me wishes I did care, too. How do people do that? Where does interest even come from? /r/ has multiple threads dedicated to maths and languages, for example, and there are Lainons who are interested in rather obscure and intricate topics as well. But how?

>>48053 Do drugs and try few things out to find what you actually like. Don't force it, just be in the moment

>>48053 >How do people do that? Where does interest even come from? Curiosity. I've watched many documentaries and scientific programs as a kid which taught me to never stop asking questions. I want to understand the universe and reach the stars, which I cannot do with this fragile body. That's why I decided to work on anti-aging technology. I get that intellectual excitement when discovering new things and reading about mechanisms. You sound like you lack a purpose in your life. Do you have something you've always wanted to do? If so, you can try chasing it. Even if it's ridiculous or isn't a typical NPC tier hobby.

I just had a minor anxiety attack thinking of submitting my work into a contest. I have a lot of confidence in my abilities as a writer and as an illustrator (I mean, the bar is not super high anyway, it's just a matter of luck and a minimum of competency), but there's something about the idea of preparing my work to be sent to be examined by people that just fills me with anxiety. I used to be your typical 14 year old prodigy type kid who was good at everything, which obviously meant I had a lot of high expectations and a sense that it was the beginning of *a special journey*. I'm 29 now and although far from a failure (got a nice 6 figure job, generally solid prospects in my career etc etc) I just feel like I wasted a good chunk of my life pursuing a stable life in a STEM career when all I wanted was to be a writer/graphic artist. I feel like I'm such a fuarrrking coward for not wanting to let go of the nice pay but at the same time I've had soykaf experiences being a freelancer and the only way I'd see myself living as an artist was if I could publish my soykaf.

>>48053 Well one thing is that you're in luck in that you're definitely going through something entirely normal. A loooot of people go through something similar. A close friend of mine was exactly in your own situation. What did he do? He just went out of his way to find something he was passionate about. He was someone with a lot of talent for maths and computer science but he didn't feel passionate about it so he ended up trying different jobs until he ended up working at a cruise ship. He's always been good at languages so it just clicked for him that tourism was his thing. My advice is try different things, and be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. If you don't give a soykaf about it, drop it and find something you give a soykaf about. And also, challenge yourself. You like being inside and playing vidya because it's easy and not challenging. If you want to grow you need to be uncomfortable. You feel like you're not living up to your potential because you're not putting yourself on the line. Also, don't just read about things. Try them in real life. It's easy to be turned off by a wiki article. It's another thing when you find yourself surrounded by people who are super into something and then you get to see from their eyes why something is interesting.

It doesn't matter. I had no real childhood dreams, I numb myself through daydreams and I can nitpick virtually anything into oblivion. Trying always leads to disappointment, and things never turn out to be as simple or interesting as you imagined them to be. For example: I have a few broken electronics lying around and I decided to try and fix them after watching a bunch of restoration videos. I started with reading about soldering, cleaning, troubleshooting and common issues. Then it devolved into electrical engineering, physics and more, which I know nothing about and the prospect of learning about them is daunting and doesn't seem like worth it to a layman like me. I liked the idea of being able to fix anything I want, but then I got a quick reality check and out the window it goes. Same principle applies to any interest I can think of. Other times I'm just horribly critical of whatever it is that catches my attention. I can list at least ten reasons why X is bad/useless/waste of time before I even have the chance to properly interact with it. Truth be told, even if I push through the initial disdain I feel and try anyway, most of the time it's just a disappointment and my overly-critical intuition turns out to be right. I hope I'm not going to live the rest of my life like this, but it seems like it. In order to be truly passionate about anything you need childlike naivity. It also helps to be rich and be exposed to a wide range of subjects. I have neither.

I've started my wageslave life when I was an angry, drunk, chainsmoking 19 yo kid. I did it because I failed electrical engineering SAT-like exam and wouldn't accept being a financial burden to my already more or less wealthy family. What happened? I was obviously being exploited in my several soykafjobs and then I got a call from my grandfather. He wanted me to work for him in the family's business. I've got even more exploited there for long five lost years, wasn't even getting my payment right. The 40 year old company went bankrupt and I lost my somehow expensive Psychology grad course, my apartment and fuarrrked around with my credit card. One year unemployed living in a small ass country side city with my mom, trying to help her. Again, feeling useless, my mom lost her job, had to do something fast. Moved back to the soykafhole industrial city that I was born, got a inhuman production line job where I had to lift a sum of 25 ton of animal ration a day. Got bursitis, stayed in my other grandpa's house for some time. Almost 30 yo, studying IT basics and GNU/Linux systems like crazy, found out about lainchan. Actually did it for fun, thinking I was going to be successful learning it. Shit started to get even more real, pandemics started, feeling useless again. Got an IT job. At a fuarrrking small ass slaughterhouse. I'm living this excruciating life for more than one year now, never had persistent suicidal thoughts until now. I want to get rid of my slave mentality, this slave life, but the system is really broken. I have no money. I'm fighting for it, but it's really really hard to get soykaf together in a 3rd world country. Wish me luck my friends.

>>48073 Are you replying to my previous post or are you a different poster with the same problem? >>48055 Anyway, my response: >Trying always leads to disappointment, and things never turn out to be as simple or interesting as you imagined them to be. Things often get interesting after you get the essential knowledge, you have to suffer through the initial stage to enjoy something later. Or you can change your attitude and try to actually enjoy the small steps that lead you your goal. >Then it devolved into electrical engineering, physics and more, which I know nothing about and the prospect of learning about them is daunting and doesn't seem like worth it to a layman like me. I think you give up too early. All these things seem complicated at first, but if you actually get to them, they become easy. >I can list at least ten reasons why X is bad/useless/waste of time before I even have the chance to properly interact with it. If getting a hobby seems to be useless, then look at yourself now. (ouch) What I mean by this is if you're not doing anything productive instead, that time is wasted anyway, so it doesn't matter. You can "waste" time in better ways. >Truth be told, even if I push through the initial disdain I feel and try anyway, most of the time it's just a disappointment and my overly-critical intuition turns out to be right. I think your attitude plays the main role in your judgements. Things will be disappointing if you think of them as disappointing.

>>48055 That's some "chasing the dragon" type of ordeal. I bet you don't even get some rest in your system.

>>48083 Actually I get too much of rest, I need to work harder.

>>48084 It ain't work if you enjoy it also nice palindrome get

>>48085 Still takes time and effort tho, making things I'm not good at because my goal requires it. Also kekd inside because of the videos. >also nice palindrome get Thanks.

>>48086 >chasing goals >not chasing the moment Shiggy diggy doo dah

>get cs degree >get "prestigious" consulting job enough said. my dumb ass didn't really understand that consulting at this place means being on camera with clients every day and using 0 of my technical skills, despite being a cyber consultant. i'm stuck here for at least 6 months making powerpoints and spreadsheets and doing clerical work when all i want is to program or work with networks. was hoping i could learn even more technical skills on the job but now i know this gig is a huge waste of time. going to grind algorithms after work hours and see if i can't exit into an industry developer job. i'm sure it'll have its own caveats and soykafty aspects, but every day i spill my spaghetti in front of clients i am closer to an heroing

I am extraordinarily tired.

>>48112 Be careful, covid has tiredness as one of the symptoms.

>>48115 I feel we went from"webmd;: its cancer" to everything is cov

i want community. being alone is like kicking dead whales down the beach

>>48133 >"Hey, I am lonely too, maybe we should be lonely together"

>>48112 Maybe you should get some rest then

>>48139 Maybe if your name is Chuck ;)

Great, the intrusive thoughts are back. At least I know the trigger now. I always thought I wasn't imaginative growing up but I clearly am. It's like an imaginary friend, but an enemy trying to disgust and torture. I wonder what will happen if I just sit down and talk to them instead of being impatient and ripping their brain out through their ears, which surprisingly works for a little while. Moderate obsession isn't the worst curse, but what a torture it is.

I'm so tired of all the irony and edginess and just negative energy of the internet (I understand the irony considering how I'm deciding to post this in a place like this), after years of just browsing different forums and imageboards and even attempting to use mainstream social media and trying to find a wholesome place where I can just have fun, relax, and talk. I feel like the internet's lost it's collective innocence and now everything just looks and sounds so twisted, it's depressing. I just feel adrift and lost at sea, with nothing to cling onto and call home. Irony, politics, memes, I'm just so sick of it all. I don't know if it's just something wrong with them or with me, my brain's just so rotted and decayed from constant internet use. I used to be so much more happy and positive, but now I'm just so cynical and negative that it's stupid. I wish I had friends in real life to talk to and share my hobbies with but no one cares, so I'm forced to just browse the internet in a fruitless and pointless search for a community, even though I know that I won't ever find anything, no matter how deeply I search. It's probably just a problem with me honestly considering how, despite understanding that in order to join an internet community you have to sacrifice a lot of things, I'm not willing to make that sacrifice. I don't like having to force myself to adjust myself for the majority, to actively deny things I like or things I'm interested in just to keep internet strangers off my back. But I have to so that I could maintain the illusion that I have a home and community and "friends" that I can talk to and riff with. I also hate how stupidly sensitive I am, god I fuarrrking hate myself for it. Whenever I see mean or cruel comments directed at me online it makes me feel pain, pain that I try to desperately repress and deny. I understand that the internet isn't for emotional people but I have nothing else and nowhere else. fuarrrking whatever I probably just sound crazy and it's probably just a problem with me. I just want to be able to be honest with myself and not have to repress or deny myself but in reality nobody's ever really allowed that so I should just keep my head down and just bottle it all up. I want to say that I'm depressed but can't because of how overused that term is and how just throwing it out willy nilly when you probably aren't depressed is a fuarrrked up slight against people who fight actual more severe depression than me. I don't know, I don't even know why I'm posting this here of all places. My hobbies used to be a source of passion and escapism and fun and coping and comfort but that's done now too, I don't know why but I just get the urge to want to talk and discuss my hobbies with other people, to "share the love" as they say. And the more I try to repress this or deny this, the harder it is. I want someone who can feel and reciprocate the same joy and love I feel when doing the things I love, as stupid and selfish as that sounds. Whatever, I've kept this bottled up for years, so why should I care about doing it for a few more.

>>48221 I know the feel. You're just like me. There's nothing wrong with you, the internet has been corrupted and is in the process of decomposing. Block the toxic websites, stop visiting toxic communities, limit the time you spend in front of your computer. Buy a lava lamp and turn it on every time you don't use your computer. Lava lamps are charming and help you focus. I turn on a lava lamp and study. My attention span increased, self-esteem improved, I read textbooks and feel happy. You can start your journey by watching Kimagure Orange Road, it should make you feel better. https://9anime.to/watch/kimagure-orangeroad.xlo8/ep-1

>>48194 Well, I'm currently at peace with the intrusive thought. That's nice, for once.

>>48224 As a child, we always had a lava land. I would like to acquire one again. Where should I look? Other than Amazon bullshit.

>>48250 Not sure. I bought one from a local amazon/ebay alternative so I can't help much with that.

Yesterday I finished my last session with my fourth therapist. I'm no happier now than when I started with the first. Am I just going to be sad forever?

>>48274 What is your problem exactly? Just being sad or something deeper?

>>48277 I'm pretty sure it's loneliness and arrested development. At least all these sessions I now know that is isn't just in my head and is more a result of soykaf circumstances than anything else. It's just a matter of them changing and hoping for the best at this point, but there's only so much control I can have over that.

I'm stuck at my parents' city cause COVID. I actually live in the city I attend college, it's far away from here, it's big, I have lots of friends there and the atmosphere is nice. Every time I go back to this soykafty city where my parents live, where I am surrounded by people that know me and expect things from me at all times, I feel uncomfortable to the point that I feel like there's a black hole downtown that is about to eat me alive. I only have one friend here, I'm stuck because of the pandemic, I often go outside and spend some time alone but it's starting to feel just like nothing to me. No effects. I'm constantly caught up in bad thoughts, feeling like this city and the people I'm around might drive me insane, all days feel like the same, I only study and listen to music, my therapy is due to the 25th, and I'm only going back to college next year or so. I'm afraid I might get irreversibly brain damaged. I think I need help.

>>48348 Like with many things in life, if you can't change it, you should just make the best you can out of your situation. Maybe a random person on the internet can't convince you, but I've had the sort of negative thought loops apparent in your writing as well and I can tell you, it's really easy to get absorbed in them, often beyond the scope of the thing you are actually despairing about. Best to cheer up and examine if your situation is really that bad. What is actually preventing you from going to the other city? I have a feeling it's a college dorm and the university is not letting you stay there. If it's the people, try to be more honest with them or get them to ignore you somehow. If you're lonely, maybe get your friend to bring his friends or spent time on the interwebz. If it's the pandemic, best not to mind it, because there is really not much you can do about it anyways. What is actually

>>48348 >>48349 me and my friends often discuss this same thing. we always talk about making big sweeping changes to our lives, but it seems that the shackles of our personal relations hold us where we are. i often fantasize about losing everything, just so i can go start new with nothing left to hold me down. i bought an old kia soul with enough space for me to sleep in the back and a bunch of travelling and climbing gear. it might be time for me to hit the road for a bit. me and my friends actually talked about buying some old minuteman silo that was for sale and starting a tech commune. freelance development would be our main source of income. we even have plans to build a lab to create open-source insulin for one of our members and maybe find better ways to make it (such as with genetically modified e. coli). but i haven't really looked into the methods used to make it, beyond the one i found that requires sourcing camel pancreases

I've been thinking of committing for at least the last couple of years but I can never find the strength to do it. Even as I'm finding myself applying for jobs and maybe even having one lined up I can't help but have those few introspective moments where I always come to the same tired conclusion. It's the same old story too, I can explain gap years on my resume but how the hell I'm supposed to compensate for almost 27 years of no intimacy I really don't know. I've been giving tinder a try and much to my surprise I actually get a few cute matches but even fewer bother responding. At times I'm feeling hopeful and happy, other times not so much. I should probably uninstall it for the sake of my already unstable psyche. All in all I don't really see a way to make this work. It's like I missed out on some "How To Be Human 101" class 15 years ago and never recovered.

>>48380 personally all my girls came from social circle, i dont think online dating is a good idea either way. Its basically 2 people lying to increase market value. The regular way had some inbuilt quality control through the whole circle filtering people which also ensured some basic mutual trust among members. I really hope the lockdown meta wont become the permanent new meta or social interaction will completly die. It reminds me of a really old mech warrior movie where people lived in isolation in their bunkers and avoided each other out of fear because they had no prior interaction through their entire lives.

I think I got a bad case of misery fetishism. Every time I open a Wikipedia article on some artist, I scroll to their troubled past, and reckon it's what contributed to their art. I almost feel jealous in a fuarrrked up kind of way. Like I'd want it for myself, so it'd explain my feelings. Even in this thread. Sorry. I'm relatively well off. Don't have any traumatic baggage. A lot of fee-fees despite that. Kind of a loner, but like it this way. I might have some ambivalence towards my parents, yet I recognize that they were by no means bad. I really shouldn't be this way. I've deluded myself, on one hand, into feeling soykaffy, but still acknowledging how life's really not that bad for me. All of this contributes to my belief that I shouldn't indulge my artistic half, since I don't have the real experiences to base the on. Especially when it comes to anything narrative. I was never in worlds even close to the terrible ones I want to create. What I fear most, is my parents seeing it, and wondering where they went wrong. Don't want to be another "my dad raped me by taking my video games away" dumbass seemingly so prevalent these days. I want to be more important a character than I am. Can't help it since I'm the center of my universe here. But so are You. Wish The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, or whoever, would've given me the memo, so I'd have known where to commit. I would be happy knowing that You'd be the one saying what I might have been having on the tip of my tongue. I'd be a gear, if I knew where in between I'd fit.

>>48390 To add a little general vent onto this, I'm probably a victim of the new wave internet mental illness infatuation disease to be exact. Like those DPD kids on TikTok calling people with real issues lucky. It feels like the reasonable line has been leapfrogged by the "so valid" line and now we're all on the specturm. And Addy ADHD Quirk Gene's the same as Faddy ACDC Shirt Xene. Can't help feeling off in spite of that. Where the fuarrk to even look for a second opinion barring a trained professional I guess.

My brain stopped working properly again. I can't focus on the textbook and studying biochemical cycles became boring. I feel dumb when looking at physics and maths, I know I lack solid fundamentals but I feel dumb and useless regardless. I need some freshness in my life. Sorry for waifuposting.

>>48390 Weird, I'm like the opposite of this. I look at artists and notice that they had pretty decent childhoods (or at least better than mine), and I get jealous because I know the supportive people they grew up with are what helped them get to where they are now. Parents that don't abuse or neglect them, a family that treats them like a human being, a group of friends that accepts them, etc. Sure wish I had that growing up. Maybe I'd be a successful artist myself by now.

>>48396 it's fine lain, embrace the waifuposting, good luck on your studies

>>48390 Semi-relevant poem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b9MOF7ciHw

>>48387 You're damn right it's a bad idea. Thing is that my friends circle is exclusively male and their girlfriends. I'm also the oblivious kind of guy who have had girls serve themselves on a silver platter and I fuarrrk it up for reasons unknown to me.