/vent/ - let it all out #22

Previous thread: >>30921

these venting threads pics are kind of lacking honestly. But good news actually, I decided to do something useful for a really long time

im very bad at communicating with people. every time i go outside i feel them looking at me. they are really looking at me. i walk very fast. it feels like i am an alien, despite me looking almost the same way like the others. i am paranoidal or paranoic or whatever you call that, yes. because of the fact that people are looking at me as if i differ from them, i have developed this "sure, i am different, but in the other way. you're all lower than me, you're not even human. here, look at me and be in shock from my presence." it adds that everyday for years i have bad mood with two headaches, the morning and the evening. imagine if suddenly you feel like the opening of "Only Shallow" by MBV is played in your head, max volume. it can't stop, but it can be a bit better. why does this happen, i dont know. i cant go to a doctor. the only way i can talk about this to other people to just get it off my chest is by screaming into the internet void.

>>31963 >every time i go outside i feel them looking at me. they are really looking at me. Really, really? It is often just in person's mind. There are two cases when people really look at you - you look like a weirdo or you're an ultra hot girl. Just ignore them or try to look just like a norman. >i cant go to a doctor. That's bad. My advice for you: many problems are just imagined and ain't real. Worry about real things, stop worrying about things that might happen. Your brain will always try to bother you with the worst soykaf. Are you a hot girl or a weirdo? Try looking like an NPC - just use your smartphone in public, pretend you're playing angrybirds or having social life through messanger (don't install crap from faceberg though, just a decoy application, Jami or something).

>>31963 I think most here can relate to this to some degree. Around people i get real paranoid sometimes, even when theyre not close, i get scared of them staring at me. Even with people i know i can get nervous interacting with sometimes. Youre either an alien or an npc it seems.

I haven't been in love for a couple years now. I like to think that I am still capable of love but I have no concrete evidence. I miss the feeling of not being able to think about anything and anyone else but that one person. Humanity's tendency to be wasteful, hateful, rude, selfish etc. has made me realize the beauty and importance of solitude, but sometimes I wish to fall in love for one more time.

>>31969 I know how you feel lain, I can recognise a woman as attractive and nice but I seem to have stopped growing attached enough for anything beyond that and I do miss it. Perhaps it is for the best for the reasons you give (and I have had similar thoughts myself) but sometimes I do find myself feeling lonely and hope I can rekindle that spark within me and find someone. I do somewhat wish there were many remaining lifestyles where remaining single for your whole life was accepted, a lot of the more absolutist lifestyles of that kind are dying out and those that are surviving have morphed into still having it be expected thanks to modern transportation and communications.

>>31963 The best thing I was told by a therapist was to actually look out for all of the people also on their own. You will quickly notice that you are far from being alone and more importantly that you mostly didn't notice most of those people as everyone is so engrossed in their own world. I use it as a regular exercise when I am out and about whether I am by myself or not, look for people on their own and then look for people noticing the people on their own.

>>31951 I have no idea how I got genital herpes when I have never been in a relationship or had any sort of sexual contact. I tried talking to my doctor about this and she was convinced that I was lying about having sex. I've had problems with dissociation/derealization for most of my childhood/teen/young adult years so it's not like I can pinpoint a time when symtpoms started showing up because it's been dormant. I don't know, I feel like soykaf because of it. I'm mostly terrified by how unreliable my memory is. I got tested months ago out of curiosity because I started talking to a girl and when I got the results back I ghosted her out of embarrassment. I dont even know how to explain it to potential partners. >>31963 I get this, I dont feel human most days because of how detached I feel.

Today I start Year 3 of being unemployed after graduating from college with a degree in Computer Science Everyday my worthless diploma becomes more worthless. I see no path in life that I can take. I am upset that I was lied to for so long that academic success and trying your hardest could get you anywhere. I don't plan to make it to Year 5.

I wish people loved the real me. Not the one that they like

I really hate interacting with other people, be it online or offline, but I still crave contact. I fuarrrking hate living this contradiction.

>>31983 I'm trying to get people to help me make a video game using free software like Unreal Engine and Blender. If 10 people put in 3 hours a day for 1 year, we might actually create something worthwhile. Want to try to make this happen?

>>31981 I feel you. Chronic problems related to that area of life are just devastating. I have some nerve and tissue damage there, so I am hopelessly embarrassed of intimacy and avoid relationships altogether. That is awful, but I have to remind myself it's not everything.

>>31988 I have no skills but I wish you luck

>>31988 what's the game about?

>wake up >go to work >8 hours >do nothing for 6 hours >sleep >repeat >fast forward to weekend >do nothing productive >fast forward to monday >repeat how do i break the loop? i wish my life were more interesting

>>32014 >how do i break the loop? If you filled those 6 hours with something "productive", would you feel any different?

>>31988 Im too tied up with some projects currently, but once i get some stuff done i would like to make a lainchan game project. But im not using unreal, its either torque3d or godot for me.

>>32015 i mean, i have nothing to do...

fuarrrk high school man. was so close to having a literal high school musical like experience but people suck. im ready to get out of here and go to college.

>>32019 Sounds cool you got so close, I just became a really really boring person there. I'm pretty sure the reason you got so close to that in the first place is because of the qualities you bring to the table, so hope you get lucky in college and meet better people

>>32014 whats your job and what do you want humans to stop doing and start doing, there you can find your hobby

>>31983 lol welcome to the game, should have listened when they said that CS career path is full, no one is accepting anymore. But since you don't plan on making it to year 5, try looking into becoming an engineering if you can

>>31981 Hi Lain. This is a peculiar situation: you can only get genital herpes if you came into contact with an active herpes infection. Seeing as you say you've never had sex, we must look for the source of infection somewhere else. I am seeing somewhat of a red flag here, and that's your problems with dissociation and derealization your whole life. What would you say your family life was like when growing up? And another (perhaps strange) question: are you circumcised?

I sort of miss college.

>>32030 There is no becoming an engineering and the cs is soykaf meme was not a thing when I started school

>>31988 ill design a logo

>>31988 I'd like something to do, have done a bit of unity and almost have >>31983 this guys credentials. Modern games with all their fancy graphics, lack the texture of some of the classic mid 2000's.

>>31951 Lainchan is the only place I can discuss this, and it has been heavy on my mind lately. In my 28 years of life, I went from being a generally happy and enthusiastic child to an adult who stopped caring about anything. People say I am intelligent, but to me it just seems like I struggle to keep up. People say I am confident and brave, but I'm really just stupid because I stopped caring if I live or die years ago which people mistake for bravery. I've spent so many years moving around and living as a loner that the whole concept of social interaction seems foreign and irrelevant to me. Some time ago, I met a nice girl who is quite attractive and talented by objective standards, but I feel like a terrible human being. She is 17 and it seems like she has fallen in love with me. She wants to talk day and night, and I actually enjoy her company, but I gave up on love and relationships a long time ago. I am moving in a year when I finish the job that I am doing, and she knows that, but I feel bad that I am probably going to break her heart. Until I met her, the only thing I cared about was living until the next day. She would invited me over to her house because she liked being around me, and then she would fall asleep in my arms. While I still have a very nihilistic outlook, she at least appreciates my company, and when she holds me it feels nice. She says she likes me because I don't care about a relationship based on sex. We are both virgins, and I won't try to have sex, but I have a feeling she wants to, and I don't see myself objecting because there really isn't a point, and I would probably just hurt her feelings. She graduated school early and is living on her own with a stable and successful job, but she likes staying at my house most of the time. Some of you might find me pathetic, but I just don't want to hurt people. And I feel like I am too old to be in a relationship with her, but she says that she likes that I have my life figured out. The truth is my life has been soykaf for so long that I just hide all of my frustration, pain, and suffering and act like a normal person. In all of the literature where I find patterns with my life, both fiction and nonfiction, the story never ends well. Help me lains, what should I do. Anytime I talk to her, she looks at me optimistically like everything will be alright and that I am the nicest, smartest, and most attractive person she has ever met, but I don't want to hurt her by telling her she is just infatuated with me.

>>32070 I think you should try and distance yourself from her, or at least wait until she's 18. It sounds very risky and it seems like she is unhealthily idealizing you. As well, asking her for space will help you gauge how crazy she is.

>>32070 Be a wingman, find someone like you out there but younger and leave her with a nice bf You'll feel great helping her and not be a pedo, win win

OK so this weird thing happens sometimes where a bunch of stuff that's all related in an internal way all together seems to disappear or change, coinciding with a recurring altered state of consciousness, and I always wonder whether I'd just imagined all of it, or whether I'm imagining the ceasure now.

>>32036 Here's my Tox ID: BAD98C576D43889F389649A41CC93A577F8422EEEE6F29D5578D5EA68FB5753F7B57701BE6C3 >>32035 Add me >>31991 Thanks. Feel free to message me on Tox anyway, if you want.

>>32070 It sounds like she already chose you. Her opinion is more important than anyone else's. My dad is 8 years older than my Mom, and they've been married for 30 years. >>32072 Most people wouldn't consider this to be "pedo". In a few months when she's 18, you'd probably think it's fine.

>>32071 > Asking her for space will help you gauge how crazy she is Truth. It works every. fuarrrking. time.

>>32016 Personally, I think it would be a great group project to modify the hell out of mari0. Ya know, mario with a portal gun?

>>32086 >>32072 >>32071 Thank you Lains, I thought it would be bad to try to distance her intentionally, but I had to go on a business trip for about 2 weeks, and she said she had a hard time sleeping without me there. I don't see a problem with the age difference, but there is a generational gap in a way, because she grew up with mobile phones and technology all around, I grew up in a poor community with physical books and wired landlines/payphones if I needed to call. I know that I make her happy, but I also know that If I ever leave, her whole world would fall apart. I just want her to be strong so that she does not try to get into a codependant relationship with me.

Heyo a freind of mine and I started doing some graphic design work. I have gotten a few commissions while he now has a company asking to buy some of his prints and more people are actually going out of there way to ask him to do their album art, etc. All despite me having more of an online presence then he. Im not sure what to think. Im going to be honest, I am kind of jealous. I feel like my work is better and I definitely put out more content. Im not sure what I am doing wrong. I want to help grow a small buisness out of this eventually but its so discouraging to see my work not reach as many people willing to pay for commissions

Everything feels empty and hopeless. I'm forced to study things I'm lukewarm about at best and passively hostile towards at worst. Essentially, I'm here for the degree, but I don't think it is going to be of any use to me in the future, as I dread the idea of holding a job that's related to my degree, and even if I tried, jobs in my field are being actively overtaken by AI and automated with very little human input required. As I approach graduation I become more and more restless. The safety net won't be there anymore. I should learn something, preferably something I like, as fast as possible, and then make a living off of it. It's a shame, then, that I don't know what I like. I don't have any aptitudes or talents outside of what I've been studying my entire life and what I've come to hate. I'm frantically searching for this something, I'm trying out new things, but none of them stick, all of them are equally annoying and boring and not worthwhile. I seem to like daydreaming the most, too bad it's not a marketable skill. I wish I could move out and become more independent, learn to live by myself and for myself, however imprudent and rash it may sound given the current economic reality and all the personal qualities of mine, or rather lack thereof. I've been thinking about the negative impact my family had and continues to have on my mental health and development as a human being, really, and this makes me feel extremely resentful. I've experienced a horrible blend of narcissistic and helicopter parenting, and so I turned out to be a compliant neurotic trainwreck with no life skills, no real ambitions, no likes, wants and wishes of its own, perpetually afraid of making a mistake, forever reliant on external validation, some sort of evaluation, be it a grade or a score, anything. I'm sure this thought will remain a thought, I'm alright with what little things I'm provided, I'm used to the demands, and I can't imagine ditching this stability, however wretched it may be. Although a part of me certainly does wish this wasn't the case. I'm uptight and distrustful, I've become proficient in the art of putting on facades and fake attitudes around other people. Strangely enough, simple social interactions are some of the rare occasions where I barely feel threatened and even feel confident and pleased with myself. Regardless, this is extremely exhausting. I care little about them as other human beings, I view them as a threat, as a gauge I have to constantly balance and keep track of. I am guided by my extreme risk aversion and the desire to uphold my positive image in everybody's eyes. Some say it's unhealthy, but it's difficult for me to even imagine an alternative. Be yourself? There is no me. Emotional intimacy? Distressing. Stressful. My physical health isn't stellar. Random pain, fatigue and easy exhaustion, standing upright is a massive strain. I should probably go to the gym, but I frankly don't care about that. All I want is health, the result, not the process. It's saddening that you can't even maintain your health at "mediocre" to "average" level without physical exercise. Truth be told, I just want to rest. I feel like I deserve rest more than any other person I know. I'm not sure what kind of rest it must be, rest from existence, perhaps. I want to forget my life's troubles, the endless duties and demands, the regret and the pain. Forget it all.

>>32098 It's about networking, not online presence, that's why you can't just get your way into popularity by buying bots to follow you. Don't know about your area, but check if you can emulate whatever he did. Even if he lucked out with a customer and ended up with enough contacts to leave you in the dust, you can search for similar customers intentionally and see if it works

>>32112 Disagree. Bots work. The purpose of bots is high ranking for greater visibility so real people see your work. You're right that you still need to deal with real people though for commissions. There are options for autists however. If you scam yourself into high rankings on platforms like sound cloud you can make money without ever interacting with people.

>>32098 welcome to the clown world where nothing matters except "marketing" which you will learn is just a euphemism for everything vile

there is no rest, ever, until you die

I really want to feel any "good" feeling Love, happiness, anything like that would work I havent loved anyone for a long time, i miss the things i'd feel in my heart while loving someone. I also miss being loved. Apparently everytime i meet a new person they stop talking to me for any reason, idk if im boring or did something wrong, or im just an idiot for socializing. i cant find anyone to love these days. but also idk if im ready to love again.

>>32112 This is a vood response, I was wondering how should I get started with networking in this crap storm known as COVID? I mean I already know some people from before COVID and of course there are University professors but Im not sure what would be a tactical way of doing this

>>32112 >>32115 They tell you networking this, networking that, but they never tell you how to network. Either because they assume you already have basic social skills (because we've all had supportive childhoods amirite) or because they don't want anyone getting to their level. Honestly I don't even think it's about networking, it's about having the right friends to begin with. Join the right club/forum at the right time, and you'll make contacts with more accomplished people, people who can give you a leg up if they like your work. Good luck doing that now. COVID restrictions keep people from meeting IRL. Forums are dead and are replaced by Twitter, which has rotted everyone's brains. Plus everything just feels so cliquey, so unless you've known people for years you're out of luck. You could be the most talented person in the world, and it wouldn't matter unless you have buddies to get you some chances to exercise that talent and improve your skills. Meanwhile there's people like us who will never be known by anyone because we lacked the luck of knowing the right people at the right time.

>>32152 >They tell you networking this, networking that, but they never tell you how to network. You just outed yourself as a loser, lain. Lame-o. Networking just means being manipulative and opportunistic. A person with the right mindset will pick up on the word "networking" as exactly that. Discard everyone who doesn't further your path to popularity and suck the dick of everyone who does. If you can attack someone safely to gain the spotlight then do it. Remove every aspect if yourself that doesn't please the public. They'll believe everything you say as long as it supports a pleasing the narrative you have crafted for yourself. In a sense, the bigger you lie on the internet the better, if your lies are absolutely enormous then people will believe you even more. Because human beings have this strange property of being absolutely evil and soykafty but incredibly naive at the same time, they will actually believe the crocodile in sheep's clothes if he bleats hard enough while eating the others.

>>32152 I didn't even tell him to network, I told him to retrace the steps of what his friend did and replicate. COVID is a piss poor excuse, there are so many platforms to sell and promote your art online even fuarrrking furry artists get a market..Without knowing what kind of art he makes is hard to say anything more detailed.

>>32152 Ok Im the graphic design op and hsve read all the responses. I know this will sound utterly stupid, but Im really worried about lising integrity. So I understsnd lying and advertising is but I think its just so weird how humans always have to lie to each other to get things done. The more I think about it the weirder it gets in my head. Its almost like we like in an era where everyone tries to cope as hard as possible in order to feel "good". Are we really that scared of honesty with each other? Slightly off topic: I feel like people also like to LARP....alot. Like no one is real, especially those who are influential and powerful. They are men and women like you and me. When they get cut, they bleed as well. But they LARP as more powerful than they are. I know stuff like money exists but what if I strip all the power and influence from that. When you get down to it, its just paper. Why not strip away this power and see them for what they are?

>>32156 You call lainon a loser and yet turn right around to mention that "networking" is mostly manipulative bullshit one shouldn't bother with. Lainon was probably looking for it to mean more than just more of the same bullshit.

>>32109 Hello, me.

I'm really into computers and computer science. I want to teach myself cs one day. I want to work on programming(I've already know Java, c++ and javascript) I want to learn, linux, electronics, mathematics and physics but These things takes a lot of time. I'm terrible at social condatitions, so I changed my priorities and decided to work on improving my social relationships. I know that social skills are very important in real life but what makes me happy is working on computers.

>>32171 >You call lainon a loser It was sarcastic. "Manipulative bullshit" is exactly what "networking" means. It's a euphemism, like "emotional intelligence" to signify one's skill with manipulating others. Do you really think that a society where sociopaths routinely get to the top would still use words that disparage sociopathy? The vocabulary is being carefully adjusted so that the people who can read between the lines will get it, and people who can't will wonder what "networking" really means.

I say I can't take it anymore and then I proceed to take it some more and I really wish I didn't.

I met a cute customer at work and instead of being happy to have met someone cute, all I could think about is how be close to anyone like that because I'm boring, ugly, and just don't have what it takes to be appealing to anyone. It's not the first time this has happened, either.

Today I went to the store to get a few things. There were attractive women all around, this store being near a college that is just starting up again. I felt disgusting for wanting them so much and for not having adequate hygiene. I felt like my gaze was obscene. I felt like they could all tell that I was a creep. I wanted nothing more than to leave that hellish store the whole time I was in there.

I'm apathetic towards everything. After four years of being in this state, I wonder if I should give anti-depressants a try. Honestly, I'm distrustful of medication, side-effects and the fact that it meddles with the brain, an organ we know very little about, are some of my biggest concerns. And yet living like this is awful, too. Has anyone here tried anti-depressants? What was/is your experience?

I'm 25 currently, which by all means is definitely not old by any means. But reflecting on my experiences thus far, I think I've done so little in my life compared to others, and know so little compared to others. Right now luckily I'm at a point where I feel I'm figuring out more about myself (thanks, medicine, why didn't i take you consistently all these years) but it's hard not to feel so behind the rest of other people my age. My living circumstances aren't bad but the shoes I'm in right now definitely are not what my younger self would have expected. Comparison is the thief of joy, lains.

>>32216 Feeling behind is like the worst case of us running in the race. Where do we want to reach? I'm 30 and my life choices have resulted in me being behind in so many areas. I have no career to speak of, my CV is almost empty and the things I know are considered weird and impractical. But I wouldn't exchange my life for any 6-digit salary, since I don't want the things this life will buy my. I'm not saying someone has to be like me. But just do the things that feel natural to you. Don't worry about goals, since they are usually just not good. It's just an endless race, but you can get off and fly through life for joy. It's gonna be daijoubu.

>>32216 Comparison is indeed the thief of joy, but it's extremely difficult and frankly impractical to ditch this mindset, at least in my opinion. As I see it, it provides the biggest reality checks imaginable, whether you like it or not. I'm a few years younger than you, and I've been frantically trying out new activities and learning various skills in order to find those that I may enjoy and could monetize further down the line since I was sixteen. I haven't found anything I particularly enjoy or have an aptitude for, and I haven't progressed much in the few things I stuck around with and poured quite some time into. Take art, for example. I certainly draw much, much better than I used to draw. Am I on a professional level? I'm afraid not. Should I be on a professional level if I want it to be my job, considering my age? Absolutely. I follow a lot of artists, looking at their works is bad enough of a hit to my self-worth in and of itself, but occasionally they repost each other's works, and so you jump from one page to another, one thing leads to the next, and then you find yourself on the page of a professional artist who has some personal information in their bio, and obviously you look in there and see the dreaded numbers: "19 yo", "20 yo", "21 yo", "22 yo". It's like a kick in the stomach, every time. It's a massive reminder that I can't succeed, that I couldn't succeed. All these people were trained, most probably since childhood, perhaps they had talent or a massive interest in drawing that warranted their parents to send them to art school, buy them a drawing tablet early on and so forth. It's an evolutionary process that's extremely easy to botch up, you can't skip a part, you can't start too late, you can't push through with sheer determination and hard work alone. High school seems to be that crucial threshold, if you expect to learn anything new during/after high school and reach proficiency in it, become good enough to make it your job, you're in for a bad time. You toil to escape mediocrity and live an authentic, enjoyable life, to no avail. In the end, you either accept mediocrity or kick the bucket. Time waits for no one, societal expectations and the rat race spare no one. Just like you said, we're still young, but I feel like we're lagging behind and there's no catching up. I've been having these thoughts for years now, and the wish to blow my brains out hasn't gone anywhere, in fact, it grows more intense the older I get.

>>32236 If you're interested in something, you can't stop thinking about it when you're doing well or not. That's why I think you should find which you're really interested into and in some people these take forever especially those who never had gifts (talents) and those who had multiple gifts are doomed to sacrifice their other gifts. You'll have to realize comparing yourself to something doesn't do you any good but what you can do is excel each day on your own and it's the great thing with creativity, you only need yourself. Talent is like mining for gold, some people get lucky early on from 'advantageous circumstances' or sheer talent but get stuck, or don't, if you give up now you'll never know when you'd have struck gold. What you have now, is enough I think. Some people had it worse that's why they're more inclined to achieve (like rappers). I'm going to use two examples but I'll spoiler it mr beast and dream are two youtube-rs that became very successful in matter of few years, I think it's all sheer creativity Another example : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_and_Frank_Carney Think of (and invest on) what you can do, not on what you can't do.

>>32236 >Take art, for example. I certainly draw much, much better than I used to draw. Am I on a professional level? I'm afraid not. I'm afraid I'll tell you that the average 'animator' isn't really an enjoyable job nor a high paying one even if you're one of those outsourced in-between-frames animator. Also you'd be working like a drone, forced to imitate the 'style' of someone else, there's no life and creativity to it, and at some point openAI might replace your job. Digital art is becoming big and you should rejoice, as the Zoom generation are digitized, the gen Zoom are going to be geeks exposed to the internet (literally elementary schools had become 'online schools' where I am). You could become a webcomic artist and have your thing serialized if it gains a lot of traction. During hard times, entertainment always becomes extremely in-demand. During wars, or right now. The lockdown also increases the frustrations of simps and training a new army of them, art industry will boom. >... and see the dreaded numbers: "19 yo", "20 yo", "21 yo", "22 yo". It's like a kick in the stomach, every time. It's a massive reminder that I can't succeed, that I couldn't succeed. All these people were trained, most probably since childhood, perhaps they had talent or a massive interest in drawing that warranted their parents to send them to art school, buy them a drawing tablet early on and so forth. Some of them started very early with a tablet which is pretty cheap (xp pen) and their progress were pretty fast too but they lack creativeness which is that big wall you'll never know exist. I've seen a lot of people who became better than me in terms of style a short period of time but they got stuck since all they do is copy what they like, they can't create or use imagination. Don't feel threatened to them as a concept artist. I'm sure /agdg/ lainons would understand. If you look at webcomics, in some of them, average artists don't really matter but the one making the novel is what matters and they look for concept artists.

>>32236 >>32237 I wish more people would realize that it's not talent alone that lets you make something of yourself while you're young. It's support as well. I picked up music and programming at 14, and despite being twice that age now I've barely made anything worth showing. Why? Because I had no support growing up. No friends, family didn't give a damn because they didn't care about creative hobbies. I had no one I could go to for feedback or guidance or anything. I hated myself, and I still kind of do. Sure, I could do something now, except all my time is taken by a full-time job, and I don't have the momentum of "whoa you're only a teenager?" to ride on anymore. People only look at a successful person's talent and not the support they got growing up. I guess that's because growing up with supportive people in your life is the norm, I guess? Having people in your life who give a damn, having parents who make an effort to see you succeed, I'm guessing everyone just takes it for granted. Plus you just don't see the talented kids who don't make it big. You never hear the story of a bright kid who ultimately went nowhere, and if you do, people will pin the blame on the person and not their lack of support.

>>32239 I was that bright kid, that now everyone asks why I did end up that way. But the people that know me, even my family that initially found it hard to accept it, understand that I live the best life that I could. At started I tried to work as a programmer. Oh make them money and ask for nothing. I'm a math tutor now. At least I can share things with my students. I still program to solve problems that people have, not the problem of how to scale a web app to serve 1 billion people. I did 13 years to finish my studies because I was bored by academia. I worked in construction, as a sailors, at parking lots and cafes. I finished my studies because I re-found joy in math. Don't let people tell you what is success. Escape the rat race. I just speak as a friend. This kind of feeling, that you are useless and nothing is created to manipulate you. I don't want to sound condescending, because I'm on the way as well, and it's a hard one. Reduce the soykaf you need. If I am a soyboy that needs to spend money to do anything I'm a lost cause. It's a hard road. But being in the race is as well, so why grind to make soykafheads money when you can work for yourself? If you think you need to work hard and that everything is something to achieve, that's how your whole life will feel. Work for the things you love. Success is a trap. Trump is self-created after a small loan of 1 million dollars. Heh. Just work and exist in joy.

>>32242 hard agree. Set your own goals, you don't have to monetize your hobbies.

>>32239 Exactly what I said about >advantageous circumstances >music and programming at 14 You must have had a music instrument and a PC then which means you were privileged at 14 or otherwise but I don't envision you picking up music at a music school without owning any instrument. I only picked up a $40 music instrument about 2013 and after few years of not actually learning the instrument or even 'music theory' at all, I accidentally found out that I can create tunes from imagination although I've spent lots of my childhood listening to polyphony classical music midis. I could literally make an entire soundtrack for an indie game in my mind. Good memory plays the biggest part of the talent. I think part of the problem is that parents had to choose between the two: >push you to what they think is good OR give you freedom If I were in such age I think I'd choose the latter and be/find my own instead of letting the adults walk me down the floral path. Maybe if I was walking towards the wrong path that's when they'll intervene and enforce the former but I think the latter strategy was better. This is why some of the richest people don't even pamper their own children with their riches. They must fly on their own. >People only look at a successful person's talent and not the support they got growing up. Maybe you were just too shy to 'ask' even if your parents were actually open about it and would provide what you need but they will never know unless you speak about it. There's lots of successful people who didn't have enough 'financial support' from their family. They just had what it takes or they were discovered rich chigga is an example >>32244 Set deadlines and goals. >>32242 Success is a composition of conditions. Right place, right time, right mind(s), right people, right action. Success as living peacefully also counts ^

Well, I've got quarantined again because my government is stupid. I don't have much problems with being at home all day. But I'll miss riding my bike.

>>32250 >Success is a composition of conditions. Sure but nowadays and in most comments before success has a very limited meaning, that of grinding and surviving the rat race. That version of success is a trap, build you own.

>>32251 Why listen to them?

>>32256 because all cops are bastards

Had a doctors appointment today, One year on the day since I got sick and met her for the first time. This last year and the events that have transpired have made me lose all hope for a better future. I'm in the same place as last year, lonlier, 30k poorer, 20 kg fatter and without the energy or will to start again. My doctor stopped me when I mentionend the lost money and said "You can't focus on the past" But really, what the in the fuarrrking world can I do? I haven't done anything, I don't know anything, I don't know anyone, Last year was my final chance, after years of struggeling with weight, friends, education, purpose, I was finally doing something and making progress. My twin sister died, My one close male relative and mentor died, My mother is close to suicide, My father is abscent, I'm in bad mental and physical health, I lost 30k, I lost my all my energy, I lost my job, My car broke down this week, I can't get out of bed, I'm constantly thinking of death (i'm not suicidal, I WILL never do it, i would search for serious help first, It's just that soykaf would have been easier if i died during my illness last year)

>>32268 That's really rough, Lain. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Feeling like whatever progress you've made has been wiped out must be devastating. I don't necessarily disagree with what your doctor said, however. It's worse if you mire yourself in your suffering and prevent yourself from moving forward. Inaction is tempting but its dangerous too. But I don't think that rebuilding yourself necessarily has to be done quickly either... focus on small things and develop some habits or a schedule. Maybe not with the goal of building discipline, but to reduce the energy or willpower it takes to get things done -- so even while you're dealing with your internal feelings you're making some progress day-by-day. Wherever you are, my heart goes out to you.

>>32271 Rationally, I understand that I can't dwell, Yet I don't know how to stop. "I don't think that rebuilding yourself necessarily has to be done quickly either." - You are probably right, It's better to keep going, one step at a time - Getting a routine and solid foundation of life. Yet I feel like evey choice I make is terrible, I need to change me gear and brain into overdrive, "I fuarrrking failed this year, Now I need to both study and work 200% - My old HS classmates are finishing their Masters and I Haven't even begun on my bachelor's" I feel like their is this huge huge gap between my thoughts, My rationality and how i actually act in the world. Anyways, It feels great that someone read this, and even responded. Thank you

>>32251 Does your government not allow a daily exercise? At least here even during lockdown we were allowed out to cycle.

This whole being a loser who's never had a girl say "I love you" to him thing is really starting to take a toll on me.

>>32278 This I'm kinda convinced that just hearing those word actually would make me do something with myself

>>32280 >>32278 Im pretty sure some disgusting landwhale would like you.

>>32278 >>32280 Do you mean just any girl, or a girl that you love as well? I have this desire too, but I think it's conceited (I don't know if that's the right word). What I fantasize about is someone who looks good and is a good person to say this to me, so someone who I'm attracted to (not only physical attraction). If I'm honest with myself, I don't think it would provoke the same reaction if the girl were to fall short of these standards, like >>32281 said. I'm not good-looking myself and I have a rotten personality, so it feels wrong to want this, you know?

>>32282 I have never been in love or had a crush but I feel like something is missing. I guess I would develop feelings over time,

>>32280 It really does. I had a relationship with a girl and we were very close. Never had anything like it before and hearing 'I love you' every day gave me the belief in myself to get a job, workout, do uni, make friends. There were times I would try to express my feelings and it always pushed her away. I think she knew how dependant I was and just realised she could get away with treating me like crap. Love is the most valuable thing for me, my parents never showed me much affection so its taking me time to find out what love is for me. Its not being pushed and pulled depending on how the other person is feeling. Its not good looks. think of the beautiful sirens on the breakers. Ultimately, a person who loves themselves will find like minded people and everything is hunky dory. Sad people seem to attract other sad people too. I dont know how you change from being sad to being confident with yourself. I had a girl round the other week and we started to get comfortable. Felt so nice having somebody to hug and play with their hair. Then she told me she has a boyfriend and wont speak to me much anymore other than a one word answer through text. That rejection hurt. Also fuarrrk all the simps who spoil bitches for nothing in return. So many of my female friends just dont talk to me anymore because they have 10 lads in their DMs pestering them. Growing up I have always been fine talking to ladies but now being a young man I have grown to fear them. In fact, iv stopped watching porn or even looking at females friends on instagram, they make me feel scared. My mom, my first girlfriend, my female friends have all treated me like crap. Think after all of it iv turned gay.

>>32286 lucky boy. I got 25 years old today and i am unemployed loser and never had sex. I am starting to lose hope i will ever make it.

i have 25th birthday today and i pretty much wasted supposedly best years of my life

>>32289 Correct me if I am wrong sir, but what you consider 'making it' might not be whats best for you. Its very easy to think that if I had bitches and money I would be happy. But I'v tried getting to know the beautiful ladies and it didn't gel... and they are a bit mean, maybe if you're a beautiful person everybody has tried reaching to you so you never learnt how to give back. Anyway, what I want myself to know, and you, is that you get to decide what makes you happy. We are not in a videogame, there are no scores to beat. One mans life really cant be compared to another. I can list a hundred 'successful' people that came about in their 30s and 40s. But it would be pointless really because they are not YOU.

>>32291 i dont want to fuarrrk bitches and make ton of money... I just want to realize my plans. I program, do some leetcode, i made some small freelance jobs. But i still cant get a real job, and true freelance is hell (competing against Indians, and contract corporations with unlimited capital to spend on promotion and take clients away from you). I know that working in factory does not makes me happy. I know that spending lifetime in front of computer will not make me happy either... I just want ballance man. Make tools for other people with programming, then go to vacation once a year. Take some photos from vacation, go to tinder, convince some female of average attractiveness to have sex with me (it would be easier if i was not uselless piece of soykaf). I am 25 years old, and its harder to realise my plans, because everyone thinks i am loser, and they are right, when you are old, its so so hard to make it if you already did not... If only i had steady source of income, my life would infinitely better. I am trying with freelance, but i got scammed many times, and its hard to compete with Indians and corporations... Only hope (small tho) is make freelance just for portfolio, maybe finally someone cheap company will hire me if they see i am proficient.

if i wont get a job until 26, and i will fail as freelancer also i am going to kill myself. No way i can live with this guilt any longer

The highlight of my year was apparently giving money away for no good reason, which it was sustainable to do so.

>>32282 I'm pretty sure it would just feel nice for anyone to they love me in earnest. I've had very little external validation in my life. With that said, it would probably be better if I loved them back. Part of the problem is that I feel left out. As a generalisation, most people's fondest memories have to do with romance. I'm about a 1/4 through my life at this point and I'm yet to experience it, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I have another 60-something years left of this, and that's really upsetting to me. I just want a hug, I guess.

i saw add with sexy, ebony girl and now i want to masturbate, but i showered just few minutes ago. Feels bad man

>>32296 *ad

>>32292 (it would be easier if I was not a watery drop of soysauce) The only person saying that is (you) >>32293 You are guilty because the megacorps tricked you into thinking your self worth should come from productivity. Feel proud of what you have done

>>32290 Happy birthday lainon, i love you

>>32298 >You are guilty because the megacorps tricked you into thinking your self worth should come from productivity. Feel proud of what you have done. Whenever I see people give out advice like this I can't understand if they're being genuine or not. Have you never experienced success linked to your productivity in your life before to confidently say that? Have you always been an underachiever and somehow complacent with your lot? Have you never been pushed around by your parents, teachers, friends to strive for more, to work harder? Were you born into an extremely neglectful family that didn't give a single crap about your performance and relaxed attitude to life? Do you have an immense amount of wealth that allows you to flip the society off and just not care about how much money you make and if you're employed or not? Have you always been dirt-poor and never experienced the need to live better? I genuinely don't understand. When people say something along the lines of "it's your personal journey, don't let anyone push you around" I honestly can't wrap my head around it. I understand that from a psychological point of view it makes sense, but it doesn't negate the fact there are multiple metaphorical guillotine blades representing time, external expectations, demands, duties and more, hanging above your head, waiting to drop down. It all sounds like cope. You can't be serious.

>>32301 If you want some explanation as to where these beliefs come from, I did grow up in a neglectful family. No matter what I did, it was not good enough. I do productive things and get a rewarding feeling and all that. What I want to get through to people, so they avoid the mistakes iv made is that its important to make sure you yourself finds it rewarding and not to seek external validation. Speak to some older people, those 'external' guillotines you talk about are in your mind.

I know it's basic-bitch philosophy but I honestly think this world is some prison I've been thrown into, for a crime I committed in the outside world. And I want to leave. The only way out I see is death, but it feels like something's blocking me from doing so. Even though I'm in a place where I could walk into a gun store, buy a shotgun, and blow my head off when I get the chance, I still feel like the clerk would refuse service knowing what I'd do with it. And nothing else works. I can't even say I have it too bad. I mean it's not like I'm on the streets or in an impoverished country or something. But it doesn't mean I'm not suffering. I've never had any kind of meaningful connections with anyone. Never got along with family, only ever had one friend that I'm drifting apart from, and I sure as hell haven't dated anyone. While people might say that these sorts of things are overrated, it's because that's the norm for them. But for someone who's nearing 30 and has never experienced these things, it's not. I want to feel close to others. I want to feel what everyone else has felt at least once in their lives. I want to feel like a human being and not some goddamn alien to this world, whose sole role is to be the butt of every joke and the object of everyone's ridicule. It's not like I live in a place where I can "just go outside and meet people" or whatever it is people say to do. I live in a suburban trash town. Almost everyone interesting has left this place, and I would too if I had the money. The ones who haven't left are either too young to associate with, or if they're someone I might find romantically interesting, they're already married. Plus with me being as old as I am, nobody would want me anyway once they find out I'm inexperienced in every way. Why dying has to be as hard as it is, I don't know. Some bullshit about a will to live that I don't really have. There's got to be someone keeping me alive for their own entertainment.

>>32301 I have considered the possibility of some kind of schizoid-spectrum disorder which makes me unmotivated by those things. It may also be caused by drug use. This is not to say I don't feel intense pressure to be productive, I just have different goals than what is usually implied by the word "productive" these days. I don't seek status or money, I seek sustenance, love, and knowledge. I just think there's no point in seeking status or money when I'll die one day and it will be without meaning. But I've felt real love before, and real (though very small) enlightenment, and I am convinced that if I die and look back on a life spent seeking those things I can die smiling. >>32465 have you considered the possibility that you don't actually want to die and are just telling yourself that? The urge to live is pretty strong in most people. There are numerous surefire ways of killing yourself, if you really wanted to die, you could think of one even if you were stupid. I suggest you pack up your soykaf, hit the road, and never look back. Just leave and come up with a plan later. Either you die(escape) or you have a grand time.

Why are romantic relationships considered so important and sought after? A lot of the positives associated with romance are either so romanticized (ha-ha) they might as well not exist in reality, while the rest can be found elsewhere, without the commitment and problems that come with being in a relationship with another human being. Observing people desperate to start a relationship is the funniest thing though: first they're heartbroken because they can't find a partner, then they're heartbroken because the relationship isn't at all what they expected it to be, and then they're heartbroken because it ended. Emotional equivalent of stepping on a rake multiple times in a row.

>>32469 >But I've felt real love before, and real (though very small) enlightenment, and I am convinced that if I die and look back on a life spent seeking those things I can die smiling. That is beautiful. I was watching a film called Alphaville and theres is scene where people who committed illogical actions are killed by firing squad, one gent shouts 'i believe in poetry' and then is gunned down, his body falls into a swimming pool and synchronised swimmers finish him off by drowning. Its a black and white french film. >>32483 Humans need love and affection early in their life to develop proper emotional and sensual skills. If this is not provided good enough, then its easy to grow up looking for that mothering figure in other people. >Nobody loves me, let me seek love In fact a lot of people probably love them but they can't identify it >I dont like my partner because she is not what I expected her to be Nobody can fill the hole of love that should have been filled in early life >the relationship ended, I am upset rejection is one of the most powerful feelings, everything humans do is to gain acceptance to some degree. When you have somebody who has been rejected by their family, school peers and then romantic relationships, its traumatic as so many past experiences come out. You could laugh at others misfortune, if the answer to contentment is so simple for you why dont you help others and share your philosophy?

>>32483 Because it's such a basic thing and when you've not experienced it you feel left out at best and awful at worst. At no point in my life has another person thought "yeah this guy is pretty okay, I'd like to spend an extended period of time with them and be intimate with them". I think once you finish education and stop having an easy way to meet people, that really gets to you. I don't feel human anymore. Is it far fetched to think that some people might want a sense of acceptance or belonging?

>>32278 It gets worse. Sometimes they'll tell you that when the relationship is bad and you want to get out. Sometimes they'll tell you that when you don't even like them. Sometimes you'll tell a girl you love her and she feels nothing.

I wake up every day cold because there is nobody beside me. Tried using tindr but it just made me realise how detached from humanity I am. The corona times has ruined most peoples social skills. Felt like killing myself for a year before I had a failed attempt then got some therapy, now I'm not sad enough to do it again but not happy enough to live

>>32278 Haha yeah Today I woke up, rolled up my bedsheets and started hugging them because I'm so lonely It's not even that I rationally want a girlfriend, but the feeling of lonelyness presists. Like my body is telling me to find someone, that this "I don't want a gf" thing is just a soykafty cope. But I can't find any positives for putting in the work except that the void inside my chest will go away. I'm desperately working on getting myself in order, how the fuarrrk am I supposed to care for someone else when I'm not able to fully take care of myself?

>>32606 Its the combination of wanting to love but also a fear that it won't be accepted. Just got to take the risk man, worse case scenario you dont talk to somebody ever again you were not even going to know anyway.

I am going to the a therapist and the days before the meeting my thoughts go something along the lines of: "the zionists are brainwashing everyone! nobody can be trusted" but when I actually get there I just don't think this way anymore so I don't talk about it. and I think it might harm the effectiveness of the treatment.

>>32611 I think what might be useful for me is some sort of way to log my thoughts when they happen, if someone knows of some piece of software that will be sueful for that please let me know.

>>32612 Emacs org-mode has a capture system that you can set up to easily jot down stuff like this. Once it's set up, it's as simple as pressing a couple keys, then you can write whatever and it'll save it for you. Or if you have a smartphone and aren't always near your computer, you can get a memo app. F-Droid's got one called Markor that's decent. There's also Orgzly, which stores stuff in org-mode's format in case you want to sync it with your computer's org notes. It also comes with a widget you can stick on your home screen and press whenever you want to write something down quickly (without having to select a file to put it in, since you choose it while setting up the widget). I've been doing this myself to try to gather more details before I go back to see a therapist. First time I went, I didn't present a clear picture of my problems, so when I tried to describe the loneliness and alienation I had been feeling my whole life, they thought I just wanted a place to meet people.

>>32611 Are you implying that those things aren't true?

I am tired of being subjected to the will of others. I want to be strong enough that it never happens again. But there are lots of kinds of strengths and lots of ways people try to manipulate you. Fighting it takes more willpower than I have.

God, I feel so isolated.

>>32707 Learn manipulation tactics yourself. This way you can notice them and prepare yourself for when it's being used against you. Good luck, Tech

>>32278 >>32280 >>32282 >>32289 >>32295 >>32598 As someone who longed for someone to love me for a very long time, and have eventually had several who loved me or felt some sort of affectionate way for me, I can safely say you need to start with yourself. As >>32606 mentioned "How am I supposed to care of someone else when I'm not able to fully take care of myself? It's easier said than done. I know this myself all too well. But sitting on your ass and complaining won't do anything. Figure out what you lack or do bad at, and turn that around. If you are overweight, exercise. If you are afraid to talk out loud, speak up and approach strangers. If you don't have any friends, go out there and make them at places that you connect with (say a comic store if you're into that). It's going to be a hard journey. You'll fail many, many times. But what matters is that after you've fallen face first onto the concrete, you wipe your bloody nose and KEEP. WALKING. FORWARD. >>32286 Says some pretty good stuff too. You attract what you are. So, if you want to attract someone nice, you have to change yourself first.

i'm so confused about everything about myself, about others about the world i don't get why people still have hope sometimes i mean the climates fuarrrked, corps gaining power i just want to scream and let it all out

>>32236 This is literally me, I literally wanna die when I hear some of the profile ages when they are successful artist, like how? I thought I was trying my to do it

>>32236, at 36 years old, Raymond Smullyan became a wunderkind.

>>32742 I've found that you can't fully blame yourself for not being in their shoes. I was considered smart and talented in my youth, but I had barely any money to spend on my passions, and my youth was full of abusive assholes that undermined my self-confidence. So I never really had the drive to practice and show off the way the other kids did. Meanwhile you look at the stories of the ones who made it, and it's always something like "his parents bought him a piano/computer/whatever when he was 12" or "in his teens he was with this group full of accomplished creators [who noticed his talents and gave him advice and chances to shine]", and you'll almost never see anything about them being severely depressed or having abusive figures in their lives or whatever.

>>32747 >and you'll almost never see anything about them being severely depressed or having abusive figures in their lives or whatever. Alexander Grothendieck escaped from a concentration camp as a child and became severely depressed in this 30s.

>>32747 fuarrrked up kids have actually much higher success rates compared to average people. The downside is the fatal failures (druggie,prison,...) are massively higher likewise. Could call it high stakes gambling. Based on what i read here the problem with the average lain user is however not the lifestyle itself but being too timid lacking the aggression/drive to go for the jugular when needed and take risks.

>>32750 Well put. You shouldn't try, you should do. If you really wanted to succeed in said thing, you would or should take all the risks you can just to get there.

>>32747 Francis Bacon (the painter) was beaten and sexually abused by his dad, no mother on the scene, learnt to paint when he was 30 and is celebrated as britains best painter.

Undergoing a lot of suffering is a way to make you question the status quo and thus make it easier to innovate/accept new ideas. However not everyone has the drive/education/knowhow/talent to make something of their experiences, so some people are miserable and can't produce anything for it. Especially during the age of consumerism where you can just drink your problems away, or drug yourself into a stupor, or waste away your time with pop culture. It's much easier to sedate yourself now.

>>32742 Most people don't have "natural talent." We admire petroglyphs as a marvel of human accomplishment, but they are just a bunch of markings on rock that could be done with fingerpaints by a 5 year old. Don't beat yourself up lainon, there are plenty of into to art classes for adults, and you might actually get some social interaction out of them. >>32744 >36 >wunderKIND (wonder-child) made me kek >>32747 The protagonist of "no longer human" writes in his diary that he was an accomplished artist, but that brought him no joy in the end he socially an-heroes after multiple attempts to commit actual sudoku and a lifetime of alcoholism. He even ironically became a communist for the lulz.

>>32781 Francis Baker (the explorer and one of the key figures in the development of the scientific method) also had a pretty hard upbringing too. Some people are just Great Men.

>>32787 (me) I meant to type Bacon.

>>32747 There are self-made successful people living in like soykafholes, or even poor af countries anywhere around the world I think your understanding of the meta is wrong. If your meta is correct, there will never be any successful person in a soykafhole unless they had a piano at 12 or very privileged, not the case though. Do you even sports? That famous boxer that's like named after a famous package manager. Competitions and contests exist. Promotional events, etc.

>>32798 The point is, you have to be in the right place in the right time (event), and be the right man (skill/talent/hustle/??). Exposure is the key. Get up, throw up, get shamed but as long as you don't lose the drive, you'll get there.

Are you an hero https://dereferer.me/?http%3A//www.suicide.org/hotlines/suicide-hotlines-us.html

The perfectionism that is hammered into everybody's skull nowadays is literal poison, it breaks and dehumanizes, but it is still seen as a commendable quality to have and the bar is being raised by clueless idiots that end up normalizing the grind. You're told to do your best, you sacrifice your health and personal development to keep up, you give up your initiative for the promise of a bright future and concentrate on a single area of study, your GPA score is pretty much impeccable, you graduate, get your degree and then it turns out all of it mattered little: your job is getting automated, there's cut-throat competition, the economy is in shambles, no one is willing to employ you just because you have a degree, you need to have qualities and skills that would complement it. You have just sacrificed your entire childhood and adolescence to get a paper that is less useful than an asswipe, you are burned out and lack the ability and drive to rectify your situation; everything you feel is resentment, regret, anxiety about the future, the need to do something about your life and self-hatred about your inability to do anything to fix it. You feel like a cornered animal, a broken robot; there's a continuous countdown to an inevitable disaster and you don't know when it'll happen. I wish I could change, but I feel paralyzed by fear. I hope I can be helped. Life wasn't meant to be like this.

sorry for another >tfwnogf post, but I am hurting I need to find some better ways to cope I'm lonely and sad, but lately it's been getting worse. I still don't have a girl and this lonlieness-induced emptieness eats up all motivation to do anything. All my tricks for coping are failing me, I am miserable and depressed. I even managed to go to a party a few days ago but fuarrrked up socializing 2 times and ended up just watching people. I'm considering going to a therapist and seeing if I am autistic or something, I'm tall and relatively attractive. My social ineptitude must be gigantic.

>>32802 I feel you bigtime brother. Hang in there. I don't have any advice you haven't heard already. I just have the reassurance of solidarity. We're all gonna make it man. Same to everyone here.

>>32802 You forgot the part where the generation before you constantly calls you "lazy" and "entitled" when all they had to do to work was walking out of high school and ask if there's a job, they got a job with skills that today wouldn't even get you in a McD's, kept the job for 30 years, and effortlessly raised a family of 4 and bought a house with "middle class" income. The vast majority of older people today wouldn't even make it to interviews. I have decided to care nothing about what society says about me and I will never have a job. I constantly talk to people who feel worthless because of this soykaf, I think society is worthless. The opinion of a society who praises horrible people just because they have money, no matter how they got it, who is ruled by vice and greed and all the things I was raised to recognize as evil, who refuses to tell truth from lie whenever their convenience is at stake - it matters nothing to me. You want to call me a lazy entitled loser who lives with his mommy? Go ahead. I'll do everything I can to leech off of this society as long as I'm alive, and I'll only do anything for it when I'll be put above the absolute garbage that I see praised and revered although they have no skills or ethics or manners or taste and only exist to make the world worse. I'm so fuarrrking tired of being berated and just accept that human beings will forever like garbage over everything good, will always make the worst possible choices unless force-fed, will always hold the stupidest opinions unless beaten into shape. fuarrrk this gay parasitic, thankless, depraved, greedy, violent and stupid humanity and everything it stands for.

>>32811 Projection? If people have no skills or ethics or manners or taste they would not have the connections they needed to get where they need to be. There are a few psychopaths out there who can manipulate others to achieve this, but most people on a upper middle class income in the western world are fine. If your mores are so much better why dont you tell us the way instead of bitching?

Economics infects every field in society. Psychiatric disorders that are deemed to be economically beneficial are normalized (ASPD, NPD).

>>32812 >If people have no skills or ethics or manners or taste they would not have the connections they needed to get where they need to be. Ethics are nothing but an obstacle when it comes to getting anywhere, and being born to a rich family matters more than any of the other things. I'm done taking all this bullshit about merit, it's all about your starter pack and everything else is just ruthlessness. >If your mores are so much better why dont you tell us the way instead of bitching? People were too busy looking at some whore's tits. I'm done wasting my time.

>>32815 Being born into a rich family does help but it also does not. I think in total it's a neutral effect. So I have grown up in council houses and there was this spoilt lad from London. We both failed our first year of university. I managed to get an extension and redid most of the years work over lock down and passed. The rich lad got his parents to sue the university for failing him, I heard they threw a lot of money at lawyers, doctors and university connections, he still failed. His parents paid to have him moved to another course. I think money can make people take life for granted. They don't try and do anything important because they were born with it all. Now there is Elon Musk, who's dad is a South African pilot and from a family who could send him to the best schools and eventually to America to pave his own way. I dated a south african girl, she got sent to a boarding school in the UK. Those boarding schools and the whole rich person sphere of our world is quite soul destroying. A lot of these kids grow up with severe mental health problems and drug themselves out to cope. I remember she got arrested for stealing from shops. Just liked the thrill I think. Her older brother was very Patrick Bateman and the few things I remember him talking about was sports and how popular he was at university. 'I just want to fit in' he told me. He got to no choice in his life. His parents wanted him to be a doctor, he became one and that is that. We all come from different starts, and unless you dont believe in free will we can guide our story to where we want to be. The lainons who post here are a bit disgusting with how pessimistic they are, however I love you all because by complaining, you are saying you want something better from life, you dont have to face this soykaf forever. You dont deserve it. >>32815 Its not ruthless to think only about yourself. I'm happy when my family and friends are happy too. You could argue the reason I am nice to them is for completely self serving reasons. No whore tits here its all cocks buddy spill the beans

Police impounded my vehicle for having the wrong insurance. I need it for work. They are probably going to crush it. Im ruined.

>>32817 >I dated rich people and went to uni with rich people, I swear that this environment isn't as great as you think. I'm going to have to trust you on this one, mate, I never was in the same social circle as rich people so I wouldn't know their struggles. I wanted to date a couple rich girls but they pretty much signaled I wasn't in the $ame $ocial cla$$ and they'd rather do William McBartholomew. I didn't care they were rich but oh well, that's life. Are rich girls better or worse fuarrrks than poor girls? Man, I wish I knew. It's like these people live on another planet, you know? When I talk to them they're always like "why don't you just buy this several thousand dollar thing?" Sure mate I'll do that right away, how did I not think of that. But if you say being rich doesn't really do much for you you are probably right, after all I only know what it's like to find out that everything you set out to do demanded resources and connections I will never have, and having doors slammed in my face because I was a nobody before I could prove soykaf. Putting a nice big /s here because I feel it might be needed.

>>32831 Rich girls are likelier to look past your money issues than poor girls in my experience. They can sort you out.

I just want to feel anything but whatever it is that I'm feeling right now.

Didn't think it was possible to have teeth so bad that it makes you want to suck-start a shotgun, but here I am. Every molar feels like it has a cavity, my front teeth are all in such disarray that I rarely smile in pictures, and one molar on the top-left has actually broken, probably due to my wisdom teeth. Hell, yesterday the top right wisdom tooth broke itself to a stump. I know I have no choice but to see a dentist. But they'd probably take one look at my mouth and become instantly disgusted. They might end up having to pull out half of them or even give me dentures. Imagine that, someone in their late 20s having to get dentures. It's understandable when you're like in your 50s or something, but when you're half that? And that doesn't even go into the price I'd have to pay to fix my mouth. Probably looking at almost 10 grand. Then there's the fact that I'd be feeding on nothing but soft foods for the next few weeks. I knew I should have taken better care of these damn things. I knew I shouldn't have been eating and drinking all that sugary garbage in my youth. I knew I should have asked mom to take me to the dentist more often, because she only took me there maybe once or twice when I was real young, then I guess she quit because I had a panic attack the last time. Not that it stopped her from constantly making fun of how awful my teeth are. All I can think of to do now is to brush obsessively after I consume literally anything, even water, in the hopes of keeping them from eroding any further.

>see friend-who-was-more-than-a-friend-once >meet her new boyfriend >I can tell she told him everything about our history right before he walked in the door >force myself to suck it up and get along with the guy >he's actually a great guy >see them cuddling on the couch later >it hurts every time they do anything but I suck it up why must it be hard?

>>32847 There is no "why." Life is a grim blender. The pain you are feeling will never stop. Even if you move 5000km away, there will be nights where it hits you so hard nothing will help. Even if you drink an ocean of whiskey, you won't be able to drown her memory. Believe me, I have fuaarking tried. There aren't enough chems in Neo-Seoul to get her, or her, or her off my mind. I'm a broken man, and broken hearts never heal. She's trash for putting you through that- openly flaunting her happiness in the face of a pain she will never fathom (or acknowledge, or legitimize). She's wordlessly saying "look, THIS is my protector, and you're objectively inferior." Of course, she doesn't see it that way- that's because women can't ever feel that kind of pain; closest they can get is losing a husband, and even then, they're built to heal and move on emotionally. It's a two way street, though- you're not doing yourself any favors for enabling her behavior. You can't ever be friends- that's a myth; you'll always have an asterisk after the word friend in your mind, and she won't. She can say anything she wants about how important you are to her, or how much your friendship means, and you can make all sorts of excuses about how she's a great person and how much her happiness means to you. You can both do this forever and ever, but at the end of it, she gets to walk away scot-free and ride Chad's thundercock off into the sunset with everyone's blessing- and no matter what you do, or how you feel, or what you say, you will be wrong in the eyes of God and Man and Society. If someone wounded you this deeply with a knife, would you welcome them into your home? If someone said out loud "this man is more of a man in every way than you will ever be" to you, would you agree? If someone knew you were starving and ate your favorite food in front of you, just out of reach, letting little spatters of waste grease rain down on your cracked and bleeding face in the dust, would you thank them? She made her choice. All that you can do now is choose for yourself: 1) Make her acknowledge and live with that choice 2) Make like a doormat and let her walk all over you Neither choice will make you feel better. Hell, cutting her out of your life will probably hurt even more than you hurt now. But I'll say this- when it's a far-off 3am and you're burned out by some lost highway asking god for the ten thousandth time to kill you right then and there because you can't take it anymore, knowing she's lost forever, that she cannot and will not save you from yourself, no matter how loud you scream or how many tears you shed... well, that might just put enough steel in your spine for you to see another morning. And maybe another, and another after that, until just maybe, possibly, potentially, somehow, someway, against all the odds, a miracle happens, and you forget her. Even if that doesn't happen, there's a nobility, a dignity, even, in having your soul senselessly flayed beyond rhyme or recognition, yet rising to fight day after year after decade- that kind of torment puts a glint in your eye, a glint that'll let you see an Old Friend instead of Inescapable Gnawing Fear when you look at death. There's something to be said for that. I'll leave you with this: "In this dark night we stand or fall We are kings now, or nothing at all Check your armor; Light up your torch Touch the flame to the sail before you head for shore And we will burn the fleet We can never go home It's on to victory or under ground Burn the fleet, we'll be heroes or ghosts But we won't be turned around The old flag will burn with the sail And a new one won't fly if we fail But the fire continues to rise And it shows not a hint of any fear in our eyes Burn the fleet, we can never go home It's on to victory or under ground Burn the fleet, we'll be heroes or ghosts But we won't be turned around."

>>32847 Women are great and being in love is one of the best things I have felt and its hurts so much when its lost. However do not be consumed by the game women play. Its in their best interests to keep sex and love in short supply. There are a lot of women ( and men too ) who have nothing to give to this world and nothing to give in relationships. The only tactic they have to pull people close to them is sex and love. Imagine how far humanity could have advanced if all the men worked on their second interests, instead of getting their dick sucked? In Ancient Greece the women did not have the monopoly on sex, and look how bright that civilisation still glows in history. Sex and Love are great, but the value has been ridiculously inflated by women in the last 100 years.

>>32732 This video come from where ?

>>32845 Try oil pulling to gently clean your mouth, and see a dentist. You're just gonna have to bit the bullet on this one, so to speak. We all make mistakes, put this one behind you.

>>32860 >>32853 >>32847 normal people get out I am angry

>>32845 I also have bad teeth, my advice is not to try and fix them, just replace them with porce[lain] veneers. What they do is shave your teeth down to stubs and replace them with stronger-than-real porcelain. I spent thousands on braces a few years ago and my teeth still look disgusting. I wish I just saved up for veneers and bypassed all that. In other words, even if you can get your teeth to be healthy, they still won't look good, so why not do both at the same time and get some fake teeth. I also didn't brush my teeth as a child and ate a lot of sugary substances. I try not to blame myself. Idk if it's my parents fault, or maybe genetics - it seems like other children also drink a ton of soda and don't get mottled, yellow teeth like myself.

>>32860 > Imagine how far humanity could have advanced if all the men worked on their second interests, instead of getting their dick sucked? I think you underestimate the lengths a man will go to get his dick sucked.

>>32875 exactly, economically, if there were more is like kicking dead whales down the beach, men would not have to divert so much time and resources into that channel, instead they could do greater things. The suck monopoly needs to end now.

>>32871 Found it on /wsg/, but it's Rich Piana talking.

>>32815 >it's all about your starter pack and everything else is just ruthlessness This just seems like a big excuse to not undertake anything. With this kind of mindset, of course you're not going to make it. Make the most of what you've got. But I guess it's pointless saying that to someone who just whines and complains all day instead of changing anything for the better

>>32883 I gave everything I've got for years before concluding that it's all a crock of bullshit, but keep sticking to your comfy narrative.

>>32853 oh you make it sound very dramatic. The situation is a lot more complicated than unrequited love, we've been dancing around like this for months, I'm just very unsure and she lives far away now. >you'll always have an asterisk after the word friend in your mind, and she won't. I don't think this is the case. When she was with her old bf (much longer term relationship) she told me she had multiple dreams about having sex with me. Her bf is a nice guy and I'm happy for her but I really don't think it will last. She's got problems. I expect to get a drunk text at 2 AM saying she broke up with him any week now. It just is like kicking dead whales down the beach to see someone who you really care about being intimate with someone else. >>32860 I don't think the problem is with women per se. A polyamorous woman gets shame from all corners of society, and personally I would prefer deep personal companionship to polyamory. I think control over what forms of love are acceptable is just an aspect of society, like most people are primarily driven by the urge to reproduce and harnessing that urge is one of the easiest ways to control a person. Hence you end up with porn, all-male boat crews, elaborate dating etiquette that involves spending lots of money, etc. It's all to lock you in to the social order.

>>32889 >When she was with her old bf (much longer term relationship) she told me she had multiple dreams about having sex with me. This is exactly the type of girl you want to avoid in your life. She is using the possibility of sex to keep you in her life.

>>32892 I want to remain in her life anyway, even with that vanishingly small possibility of sex(again, we now live far apart and I'm not about to drive that far just for poon). We share many mutual friends and we're good friends even without any of the other aspects. I think you're just filling in stereotypes.

>>32893 I don't think he is, someone that keeps teasing the possibility of sex but never committing is stringing you along be it deliberately or subconsciously. While you don't have to cut her out entirely don't stick around for the possibility of sex.

>>32897 I'm not, and no hints have been dropped in that direction for months. I think I might just be jealous of her bf and her because they don't have to be lonely, but seeing her and hanging out with her roommates is the *only* way I've ever been near a woman who I'm not related to.

>>32881 thanks

sometimes I feel like I'm sinking and all I want is someone to hold on to

>>31989 I'm sorry you have to experience that, I wouldn't wish nerve pain on anyone. >>32031 Yeah, I know it means that I did come into contact with someone who had it, but I genuinely can't pinpoint when it happened and it's killing me. I have vague memories of inappropriate experiences as a kid but I can't be sure if they're real because of how long ago it was and how unreliable old memories are. >What would you say your family life was like when growing up? I'd say anxiety inducing? I wasn't poor but I grew up in a really crowded house (like 12 people living in a 3 bedroom townhouse) and never had my own space or boundaries. When my parent or older relative was in a bad mood they would take it out on me with insults, I can't call that abuse but the dissociating started then as a kid, I felt scared that it could escalate to something worse. I've used escapist coping methods like daydreaming or reading for most of my life. >And another (perhaps strange) question: are you circumcised? Nope, I'm female

Just leaving this here for a lot of people.

Going to be homeless soon, got no support network or car and theres no resources for men in my city. I couldn't cope being homeless so I guess this is the end of the road for me. The inevitable end that awaits all failure men. I can't say I particularly want to die but I suppose I had already accepted it would end this way.

>>32966 u should look for a good camp and ask if they got space. Better to chill with your hobo buddies until you die than just do it straightaway right?

>>32966 >>32967 I wonder if in Murica there are hippie places where people live outside of society and grow crops (until they die of dysentery because no insurance)? I remember seeing a place like that in "Into the Wild" but I assume it's romanticized and it's actually sovereign citizen rednecks with rotting teeth and sub 60 IQ

>>32987 There are, as you said they usually don't do very well because people are lazy and don't understand how hard farm life is. The ones that succeed are usually populated mostly by country people. homeless camps are different, generally they're all there because they have been rejected from society, not because they willfully decided to leave it. Many people with mental health and addiction problems there, and as you might expect they are dirty and smelly and not very safe. However, it is really remarkable how much people in some camps look out for each other, and some of them are pretty organized.

>>32993 I am so alienated I might fit in more easily with crack addicts and hobos than "normal" people online or offline. My mask is horribly worn out and full of cracks, I'm tired beyond belief of this charade and people have stopped buying it years ago.

I can't get over the feeling everything I do is meaningless. Why should i continue and struggle, get back up when I get beaten down time after time. I'm feel so mad and empty. I feel like I want to take revenge on reality. No matter what I do there is never any feeling of satisfaction, reward or meaning. I have been working out again, I have been trying to study (yet I'm failing), I try to meet people, But no matter what I return to a baseline core of panic and pain. Everything I do is just band aids and temporary fixes if even that. Why shouldn't I spend everything I have on drugs, food and sex and end it all.

I'm 20 yet I've lived through so much bullshit already, I've been to mental wards and lived homeless yet for once I find something I'm good at and pursue it then I just hit a slump, like my talent has run out. I have 2 male friends whom I talk to semi regularly everyone else thinks I'm weird, for the past year I haven't interacted with a woman for more than 2 minutes. Why does everyone else get to have such cool lives, go to parties, have succesfull relationships yet all I get is suffering all the time, I can't even remember the last time I felt happy. And trust me I try but everytime I meet new people I just end up being the weird guy, the butt of the joke and I make everyone unconfortable. It might seem selfish but I admit it, I want to have friends, I want to have sex and I want people to stop talking to me like I'm human garbage. I peaked in highschool and I didn't even get laid, I really feel there's no reason for me to keep living.

>>33025 I feel this way too man. I don't know where you live, but I only made friends when I left my town and was very lucky to land in a college where I got on with everybody despite being the weird kid for 18 years of my life. Don't blaim yourself because its just as much a them problem as a you problem. Look at some artists lives, they are really weird but had some friends and got laid. Can you find/found your world.

>>33037 I'm in an acting school, sadly being an artist doesnt help me have friends or get laid

Drawing is really fuarrrking hard, I put too much of my self esteem into it and now it's turned into this weird fun-stressful activity... It's not that I'm prideful, just sick of disappointing myself with not being able to finish another piece

>>32278 At least you're not a loser that was tricked into showing his feelings to a girl just so that she could feel good about herself without reciprocating, and that took advantage and cheated on him later.

>>33047 >I put too much of my self esteem into it I hope it's not anime

>>31951 Two things: 1) I've been using an absolutely trash bike for the past four years. The ones you get for cheap at Target / Walmart. I decided to save up and buy myself a nice road bike. I loved it, but it got stolen recently. I was pretty bummed about it, but it just feels like I'm not allowed to be too happy. I definitely won't make that mistake again, but I am still very mad at myself for locking my bike, but not protecting it better. 2) This is kind of a stranger vent, but I really miss enjoying politics. Like, when I was younger, I remember really enjoying reading political articles and learning about the processes that make the American government work. Something happened during the Obama administration that began to make me disillusioned with it all. I think it's when I learned about gerrymandering, and how the Senate intentionally left vacancies in the federal courts to prevent Obama from picking judges. I think I reached a sort of breaking point with Merrick Garland's confirmation debacle following Scalia's death, since it was the first time I saw the system failing in such a blatant manner. And you know, since that, I've only seen time and time again how there are parts of the government that are obsessed with keeping power to themselves. This past debate was painful to listen to. Maybe it's always been this way, but part of me wishes that the American constitution was better written. Specifically, this video by CGP grey highlights one of many loopholes that allows people to erode democratic norms. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDYFiq1l5Dg People I know have been seriously thinking about leaving the states, and I think I might begin to consider that.

>>32922 I feel you with the daydreaming and reading. My family was always yelling and fighting and I believe I learned that the best thing to do was to not become involved and suppress emotions. Nowadays I drown myself in videogames and lament that I cannot pay attention to reading anymore. I was molested once as a kid and sometimes it does feel like I could have made it all up, maybe for attention or to feel special. A few years back, I learned that the molester got in trouble for something (I was with an extended family member, who warned me to stay away from the molestor (a bit late lol) because of some vague reason like "he's a creep", which I assume means they know he's a predator for some reason). My advice is that if it happened, you're probably not the only one. There's online resources to look up criminal records, or you could ask around. For me, I'm always pretending like it didn't happen. I think it's to have power over it, like if I don't let it affect me psychologically, then it doesn't even matter if it happened at all. I've def let it affect me though. I've only ever told one person, and I felt furious and humiliated when they treated me special because of it.

>>33062 I'm sorry about your bike. How did you lock it? If you use a D-lock it's almost impossible it'll get stolen unless you live in a major city. My bike isn't worth anything but I am emotionally attached to it so I lock it very nice. Politics were definitely more fun before the social media era. I think it's because people still held onto the last shreds of belief that they mattered. After social media politics turned into Big Brother for pseuds.

important advice for locking your bike: just don't leave it outside at all at night, unless it's right in front of a busy bar or something. Even if it's locked crackheads will steal little pieces or smash it up for no reason.

>>33120 It was locked, but not secured if that makes sense. I locked the front wheel to the frame with a D-Lock, but there was no where I could lock it to. In retrospect, I could have bought one of those longer locks to tie it around a pole, or could have brought it with me inside. And yeah, I am living in a major city, so it's my error that led to the bike being gone. I consider myself book smart to an extent, but my "street smart" skills are comparable to an American tourist in the middle of China. >After social media politics turned into Big Brother for pseuds. I've thought about the role of social media in how we structure our thinking, and I think engagement metrics such as those you see on fb, instagram, reddit have definitely warped how we respond to stimulus. I would like to spend more time thinking about this, but I agree with you. >>33121 Thank you. It was stolen in the middle of the day, which is the weirdest part of all of this, but I know what you mean. I'll save up for another bike, and have a much more critical eye to "how easy is it to steal"?

>>33127 Even in the middle of the day you pretty much have to lock it up in the busiest place you can find next to other bikes and then make sure you have at least one more lock than one of the other bikes. Then you should get it covered by your home insurance anyway because even if you were to lock it outside the headquarters of the world anti-bike theft police it will get eventually stolen. I have a high end folding e-bike so I have learned a lot of this the hard way. People are soykaf and the police are even soykafter at actually enforcing these things. Most of the time if you actually go to the police about bike theft they'll do nothing except log it for statistical purposes and then give you a number for your insurance.

Thinking about university makes me depressed. All the subjects I don't care for, time-consuming homework and lectures, nerve-wracking tests and exams, why am I here again? Oh right. Can't afford to disappoint my family, and I don't have any real skills outside of academia either, and if I were to allocate more time to learning something else properly, it would impact my academic performance and everyone would be disapproving of it anyway and I would risk getting the "Oh so you want to be independent and act like an adult? Sure thing, go get a job and move out" tirade all over again. I should have been more rebellious as a teenager, because now I'm stuck with these vampiric cunts who shaped me into the way I am now and want to exploit me until they're dead at the expense of my mental and physical well-being, who now also have the legislation on their side as I'm no longer a minor and can kick me out should I attempt to make any real steps towards finding myself, devoting time to myself and my interests and making myself more of an actual human being who has the potential to be self-sufficient and independent. I am somewhat complacent about it all, though. It may be learned helplessness, fear of change and failure, I'm not sure. It's a terrible feeling anyway, to be trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Grew up in a bad household, have OCD/panic disorder that was untreated for my whole life until recently, nervous breakdowns, homelessness, not being able to find my way simply as a person or feel like a person until recently when I finally got on an ssri that would have done me wonders 10 years ago. Now I just kind of coast. I get disability and I just do nothing. I'm not self-actualizing, or taking care of my needs in any practical or spiritual sense. Hard ljfe circumstances coupled with mental illness really beats you down and I feel like I'm just now having all of the lights come on in my brain and like I'm a person. I need to fully find my way, I'm a great learner and musician, but I trimmed those things off as being unimportant and unconsequential when I was just trying to survive and get to the next day. At the same time I feel hopeless about this, and I feel like I can't bother with people who will never be able to relate to the torment and loss I've experienced in my mental health and through abuse and all of that. Life is just fuarrrking crazy, but I can't keep living this cycle of unregulated consumption of bullshit on the internet and maladaptive daydreams of self-actualization. I need to step through all of this and transcend, but I'm not sure how, and I'd be scared too even if I knew.

I'm feeling another wave of optimism that I may yet hold some intellectual potential, that I may put it to good use. But I've experienced this before, and I don't know if I've come out of these periods a better person or any closer to achieving my dreams. Will this time be different? I'm not too sure. There's also the ever-present doubt whether this is something genuine or if it's only to satisfy my ego. I shouldn't take too much pleasure in the feeling alone, I must act as well. I've so much to learn and improve on in order to ascend from midwitdom. I hope that I and anyone else who feels like me can make it one day.

Hi lainons. I haven't been here in years but I thought I will come back to vent a bit because it's the only place I can do it accually. I feel my life is worthless. I am 31, stuck in humanities PhD with no real perspective and no real skills for serious job. Since the pandemic hit I am living in my hometown with no friends or contacts here. The feeling of loneliness is crushing me. Couple of times I met with a girl. We are long time friends and 2 years ago we were going out a bit. I guess I still have a crush on her but probably she doesn't treat me seriously. As you can guess my expererience with girls is not great so I don't really know what to do. The vision of her with some other guy is killing me but usually when I try to be serious and act like guys usually act around girls I am just making a fool of myself. Every day I feel depressed, with no energy. I tried exercising, meditation, learning new things but I dropped everything after couple of weeks or days. I don't want to be alone but I don't really know how to build a healthy relationship either. For most of the time I am supressing reality with games and porn but eventually the reality hits me and I feel even worse then. I tried to fix myself many times and I always failed. And of course there is constant thinking about how much I missed in life. Spent most of it in front of PC, isolated from the outside. I learned how to mimic some behaviours so when I went to university I looked pretty normal and was likeable unless of course someone would like to ge to to know me better and closer. Then i was pretending even more but what's really the point of doing that. It's just too tiring. I can't deal with the fact that I wasted my youth all by myself, avoiding life. I don't even have the energy to do thing I like. I am not finishing my PhD because even thinking about it makes me anxious and stressed. I can't concentrate to read books or to fully learn something new. All I can do now is just staring at the computer. I am giving up after the smallest failure or difficulty and terrified of doing something completely new like moving to the city where I was before the pandemic or trying to find a new career. I have no idea how to get out of this spiral which is only going down and every days is just worse.

It's starting to feel weird. I send out 2-3 job applications a day, often to jobs that I am vastly overqualified for (I apply to literally any job that I could do), and I get *no* responses. Not even a "nah we don't want you". Nothing. It's like I never even applied. Do these fuarrrkers not have any decency? I would at least respect them if they did send a rejection letter. But this is just insulting. Literally all I want is something to do. I'm bored and I need to move out of my parents' house. But I can't do any kind of "customer service" (aka suck up to bitchy white people) job on account of my autism and I can't do any kind of physically demanding job on account of my injured arm, so I have to do computer jobs... you know, the thing I'm actually educated for. People these days are just so impolite. I'm not even 25 yet and I remember when you could expect to at least get a reply for most e-mails if you were polite enough. I really just want to walk up to whoever is reading my app and instantly throwing it in the garbage without even sending a form reply, and I want to slap them and tell them they're a horrible human being.

After some reflection and evaluation I've came to accept that I'm just just unlovable. A strange human being that never quite managed to fit in anywhere or changed anyone's life for the better. I'm poison, I come from poison, a sick child of a broken marriage that was never meant to be. Dad apparently didn't want me at first, my mother didn't either. I still don't know why they decided to keep me but when things got heated between her and my dad, she would often tell me things I wouldn't meant to hear. In a nutshell, they stayed together for a child they didn't want. People I've met throughout my life wasn't that keen on my presence either. I often got bullied both physically and verbally and didn't have much friends. The ones that I had turned on me eventually. I don't have any fond childhood memories I can speak of. I'm in a perpetual state of being anxious and afraid. I can't enjoy my life. I just try to keep my mind off of things. As soon as I turn my computer down and see my own reflection I'm dragged back to reality. I'm afraid of looking at the mirror. I'm afraid of getting dragged back into reality. I'm afraid of thinking about myself and my life. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I can't keep lying to myself saying that I'll change for the better, and things will change for the better. They don't. They never did and they never will. I self harmed for the first time today. Dragging a knife across my skin was more exciting that I've imagined. I didn't do any serious damage, nothing I can't cover up behind some clothing. But I think this is it for me. I'll just keep practicing over and over again and will end it when I feel ready. I'm really exhausted, and I need to rest.

>>33230 You're 31, you've got your entire life in front of you. You think everybody has themselves figured out at 30? That's not how it works, life's not a video game where everybody levels up in the same way. You don't need to pretend to be somebody else or fix yourself to be happy. Strive to be the best version of yourself bur remember that there is no ideal you to achieve. It's not a quest. Here's my advice. Finish that PhD, you never know, it might open some doors in the future and try exercising again. Do some pushups and some squats whenever you feel like and most of all, relax, don't put so much pressure on yourself.

How do I maintain long term relationships? Everybody in my life has left me. I feel so alien.

>>33230 Id try going camping, resets your internal clock and reduces some anxiety. At least in my experience.

i wish somebody understood the loneliness of a long distance cyberspace runner... In other words, i want to hug my cyberfriends

>>33232 i've had a similar situation with my family and the feeling that come with it, it's hard to have no foundation. do you have any mental illness problems other than depression and a generalized sense of anxiety? I've always felt different also and sometimes wonder if I'm slightly on the spectrum or something.

I'm only 22 but I'm about ready to clock out. No way can I take another 60 years of this.

>>33241 Not that I'm aware of, I was never formally diagnosed of anything. I asked my parents to take me to a therapist multiple times over the years but they just won't and I don't have the money to see one myself. I do suspect that I'm on the spectrum though.

I think parents who stay together for the child's sake are really stupid, or are lying to themselves i.e. don't really want to separate e.g. are afraid of change. Maybe that's just my limited experience; I dreaded being home with both my parents, until we moved to a better apartment with more, and thicker, walls---good soundproofing. I think they also started to clash less, because they could mentally separate by going into different rooms or something; soon after, they divorced. One of them spiraled into severe mental and behavioral health problems, and I can't help but feel somewhat responsible, because I was an utter shıt bastard as a child. As wrong as it feels to say it, it probably was their fault that I was like that, because soon after their divorce, started gradually being less and less an utter soykaf bastard of a child. I dunno, it still feels like a petty excuse, and if I think about it too long, I start sliding towards being an utter soykaf again. So it's really better for me to make it, on an emotional level, all my fault.

>>33232 That's heavy. Sounds at least in part like depersonalization/derealization. I think I know exactly what you're talking about with the mirrors. Not anymore, because I've forced myself to really look in the mirror often (but it still is like kicking dead whales down the beach, that whole ordeal staring at myself), but, I wouldn't even recognize that that's me in the mirror unless I thought about it. I think it's important to get clear for yourself whether you want to want to off yourself. For example, I don't want to off myself ever, but sometimes the idea feels really appealing, very calming. I have to stamp myself down and remind myself that I don't really want this. At worst, I tell myself I can always just stop caring, just become reckless, and let the suicide happen as an extension of that, seeking whatever shred of thrill or other is left in the world. So long as I don't hurt anyone else. And then I start planning reckless things so they won't hurt anyone else, which brings me back to at least caring about something/someone, which is easily extended back to caring about myself..

Not sure how I feel these days. Everyday I get sick and more tired. I've tried walking and being in the sunlight but it still doesn't help much. I can't even do my school assignments and program like I used to. Everyday is a battle between sickness and staying awake. I can't even sleep when I want to. The friends that I was there for are now gone and don't even want to talk to me. I don't know what I did wrong. I was there for them and listened to them. But now they don't even want to talk to me. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I don't even know what I want to do in the long run. I just feel sick and alone.

>>32845 Trust me when I say that this is not the first post on the internet where I hear people complain about their teeth being rotten. I blame this on the lack of hygiene in certain homes, especially when it comes to oral hygiene. Sodas, Coca-cola and whatever sugary juice is out there is not only been proven to be terrible for your health, but it has been proven to ruin your teeth. Lot's of these people that makes these drinks don't even drink it themselves, let alone let their kids drink it, why? because sodas are bad for you ALWAYS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-pr_M7LRYg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aiKPopMRes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGnBNKxAhi8 For me, I too have problems brushing my teeth, I had braces but that didn't help me brush my teeth, heck even right now my teeth aren't brushed because of bad habits, I always put it later saying stuff like "I'll brush my teeth later after I eat" or "I'll do it after I eat this" but never do it. use baking soda toothpaste and electrical toothbrush especially a burst toothbrush https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxHQMeX_po4

>>33219 would you be more motivated to work if you had a job?

>>33231 I stopped sending out applications once they stopped responding to me. what's worst is even when they send out a "we received your application and will reply soon" type of email that just kills me, makes me lose hope in humanity. I honestly don't care anymore about the next few years idk if it's me or if its the corona virus thats changing me like that, the I see it the world economy is doomed ... really doomed, it will be a shocking to many people soon just what a clown show people at wallstreet and london has been doing to keep the world economy going.

>>33230 I don't want to say "just stop thinking about girls bro" but honestly, I don't really know what proper thing to say. have you ever looked into marrying a woman overseas? I know one guy who married a woman overseas and he says he's happy than ever, and I believe him cause he sounds happy. I'm way younger than you and still haven't learned how to program or get a proper skill to do something in life, family is putting pressure on me but I am losing all hope. People look down on me multiple times because I say I don't have a job and am basically broke. It's beyond embarrassing, I don't have a PhD but I assume you have a masters, please man, just find something to do before you end up like me

>>33047 do you draw for money or for fun? cause you might have to change your mind on how things work honestly

>>33230 I havent replied to threads like these, in fact most others in a long time, maybe im too drunk but more than usual this resonates with me. I turned 30 this year, i feel like i am dying, i did many things wrong of which i had control of and many things i did right i dint not have control of. Not such a long time ago i used to post regularly in these threads, now i feel little empathy, sadly either for my fellow lainons, i can feel their pain but no amount of words can help them and i have no energy left. When i younger a few years i was soaked in depression in the usual ways imaginable, now i am trapped in some sort of melancholic depression, i feel like i died and i genuinely believe i died many times ago, but now i feel really dead inside. People i have told me i am attractive and charming yet more than ever i have become alienated, in a almost literal sense from the rest of humanity, i realize my human components require human companion and interaction, yet i suparssed somehow the human domain, yet i fail to reach a higher state of being that is almost being thrown at my feet. I dropped out of highschool for steroeotypical reasons and skirted around the social acceptable norm and basic survival for all my life, i can relate to your pain however. Let me tell you this, out there there is a reality and world far beyond of what we are led to believe, yet my human nature and my somehow alien being leave me torn in between worlds in almost all levels of existence. Out there there are ways of going around to do things that most people could not imagine to be true, yet even on my computer i have a hard time doing what i want, which is not beyond technincal means, but my own lack of willpower. The only piece of advice is can have is: stay strong, every day is a srtuggle but the war is only over once you surrendered, every struggle can be a chance for victory. all of my life i somehow knew life was not what it seemed, yet now i am overwhelmed to a point where i am always tired and scared. >>33231 Shit dude i feel you, i literally had actual blackouts from sending applications, the ones who replied where uslaly the bosses of small computer businesses. Unlike the filthy pr bitches who get paid exclusively to sit around and do email crap who dont even bother to send out a standard prefab email that they didnt bother to even read your application, those bastards are not just inhuman and lazy imo, but I can understand smaller companies where the boss has no hr, but goddamn hr runs the show and does what it wants and those people cant get their asses up and reply to an email which is their fuarrrking job. >>33235 What living to 30 has shown me is how my clock is running out and how much there is to do with the time left in this terrible world out of a immensive pool of pro/cons evaulation and planning. >>33255 My body too is only degenerating like much of the world currently is, some of my teeth already so rotted i cant eat certain foods and fuarrrk dentists, i rather insert sea shells like the mayans did rather than let one of them mess things up, which happened to my old man. Yes we live very unhealty in general, not just poison in the food, but all others including the mind too. Some may call me crazy but i like to believe on day something grand will happen and destiny will call me on an epic quest, but if not going a 8-12 job is not worth it. >>33257 We have been long doomed, i knew this corona soykaf would happen one day even 20 years ago, it was so obvious human beings would fuarrrk it. The economy has always been one big joke, its almost all just hyperinflated bullshit on every side, a huge clogwork just to keep people busy. I kinda tried cutting out drugs out of my life, i think its killing me, but i wouldnt regret it, but i cant afford nor want to keep living like this.

I don't think therapy is working. All my therapist has done is tell me things I already know and have told them, just with a three week delay. Why on earth did people tell me it was this amazing thing that would bring me closer to being happy again?

>>33256 i honestly don't think so. even though i've been progressively getting symptoms managed by medication and stuff I've still more or less "checked out" over the past few years, as I suspect a decent amount of people are doing these days. i don't find meaning in anything that normal users do and I find their entire world to be hollow and hostile to be honest. doing anything that's not working towards some sort of personal or group (of people I would hopefully care for) growth oriented goal i find to be sisyphean and insufferable. humans aren't meant to live this way obviously, I've always felt an attachment to the people that I did grade-high school with, i've always viewed them as the "default" type of people (and they were a special bunch in a lot of way, despite also being very ordinary). my graduating class was relatively small and the town tight knit. the dissolution of that after graduating has been something that for the past ten years has left me feeling unease. i genuinely think we're supposed to bond with 200-300 people that live close by and we spend our young life around, and then grow to fulfill a role within that group; to come to know it as a support system and something we contribute towards because it's mutually beneficial. I don't know why I feel that on such a deep level. waking up without a purpose just feels like torture, and something as vain, as "having a job" wouldn't be something enough to make me feel purposeful just on its own. most people are purposeless and just clinging to survival out of fear. they don't really have a reason for wanting to live, a lot just don't think about it enough to bother them this existentially, to them it's just a feeling of deep disastisfaction.

>>33272 Are you male? Is the therapist female? If both yes get a male therapist.

This is >>33230 Thanks all for your replies. I feel much better after posting that so this thread is still working its purpose. >>33258 i don't think I get what you mean by marrying woman overseas. Do you mean it literally or is it some idiom i don't know? >>33235 I know that 31 is not that much but lately I realized how much time I wasted and how much I could have done in the past 10 years. And its a crippling feel. It's like >>33262 said I am more and more aware that the clock is ticking and i am stuck in some kind of procrastination/anxiety loop and can't find a way out. However as I said at the beginning posting here made me feel slightly better as it always does. I quit chans because I felt like sitting with 20 y old and talking soykaf is not good for me and all this adult life but still, I like coming back, even just for a moment. Really the only place where I can safely talk about how soykafty I sometimes feel.

>>33230 >games and porn It's escapism. You just fear failure. Do you not have a Masters yet? If you're already post-graduate, I'm sure you can accomplish more than some guy stuck in rural Mongolia because they can't get past border due to CCCP and there's a fuarrrking Bubonic plague outbreak there. You playing video games in your comfy shack is just peaceful minecraft when some are stuck in nightmare mode and always curse their poor karma. You're just going through loneliness. Seriously, you sound like a would-be simp, not an insult but I think you fit in that category right now >missing out on life at 30 >depression No, you're still young. PhD already gives away you're an autist let me guess, less than 140, more than 120? >I have no idea how to get out of this spiral which is only going down and every days is just worse. You're just not creative enough to use your almost PhD brain. It's not like you don't have a choice like that fuarrrking guy in Mongolia who can't even afford a PC, slow internet, great firewall, no way to ship electronics to build a PC. You have choices, you just refuse to take or see it and you chose the wrong one and refuse to admit it.

>>33272 Honestly, there are many people who are just too dumb to notice the patterns in their behavior, or too extraverted to be able to spend the necessary hour reflecting on their life. A therapist provides both: they chew your own behavior for you and tell you the obvious, and also make you sit in one place and give you a job of thinking about yourself. To make sure that even the most hollow of people use this time to reflect, they ask for money - that way it's something the consumer paid for and will want to consume.

I am once again flooded with a vague, yet all-permeating and intense sense of anxiety. It will all go wrong someday, my life will be in shambles, trials and tribulations await me, and all I do is wait. I could try to prepare, to escape, to enjoy this time of relative tranquility and peace in my life while it lasts, but instead I'm like a deer in the headlights of an approaching car. I want for those feelings to pass, I want to feel good about myself and my life, I want to rest.

>>33232 I have a lot of sympathy for you Lain, I wonder how many of us are here because we just don't fit in anywhere else. I know what you mean about being unlovable. I tried to do good and help others, but it seems like everywhere I go, the only impact I leave is bad. I have never broken the law, and morally I don't do anything bad, but anywhere I go my ability to point out reality hurts others who would rather hide from it. I used to have a few people I could talk to but they all are either dead or might as well be thanks to crippling mental illness. At least people with mental illness never have to put up with societies delusions. I have had to put up with unimaginable abuse just to survive, and whenever someone gives me a compliment I don't even know how to respond because it just seems too fake so I usually just give a nervous grin. People think my life is "great" because I don't struggle with the same problems as most people, but probably the most memorable thing someone once asked me was "are you really alive, or just living?" That comment still hurts 10 years later. I can't understand why people self harm on a personal level, but increasing trauma just conditions you and makes you more likely to go through with suicide because you aren't afraid of pain or dying. I feel like self harm and suicide are weak, but all of the people I have met who do self harm or have thought about or tried to suicide just seem sad and pathetic and so I feel bad for them. Like you feel bad for someone who gives up in the middle of a game instead of going to the end even if they are going to loose I don't think I could ever suicide or self harm because I guess I just hate death more than I hate this life.

im in a good relationship ive been in and its at a point now where if they left or we had to split id be devestated. i didnt wanna ever be in this situation again. I think they feel the same that we are like family now, the thing is neither of us finds the other intensely attractive. in fact they like women more than men. Weve also just started doing coke together recently and I cant help but feel like its going to ruin this very supportive pure relationship we have with eachother. Its not that ive never loved anyone this much in my life, ive just never been this close to someone in my life. ive never felt like i wasnt alone. its been a year and I just dont want to fuarrrk things up. I dont want to fuarrrk my school up and not be able to get a job and not be able to support us. I dont want them to leave, I dont want myself to leave. I dont want to ruin things. For the past year ive been good at living in the moment, but now i return to worrying if this is just a brief stability and soon il be thrown back into life alone. and then i remember that ive been okay, I always have been okay, I always will be okay. At the end of the day, I knew nothing lasts. I've been the stable force in everyones lives, and il continue to be that. I from a psychological awkward disturbing mess, just malfunctioning and uncomfortable, I channeled that and grew to be still sort of feral but a lot more calculated and sturdy. Ive become very good at quickly deciding what thoughts are useless and a threat to my stability and just throwing them away. Ive ceased worrying in general, only about things relating to my future security. Still recently my brains been death fixated, thematically and literally. Which for me these days that means I thought about it once or twice. I hadnt thought or questioned or worried about death in 3 years almost. Id had lots of thoughts about the afterlife and took pleasure in the fact that I feel a certainty of what will happen with me, but I hadnt thought about death itself, and the end of me in a very very very long time. And recently I have had nightmares which I have not in forever, not genuine nightmares i always just had spooky or unnerving dreams that didnt genuinely make me want to scream. but recently il be screaming so loud in my dreams my partner says il be gasping and convulsing until they wake me up because they get scared im having a seizure. The other night it was this one about these capitalist theory books, and one had a lamb on it, and all the books started morphing into this book about capitalism with a lamb on it in different positions and forms. I have no idea why but it scared me so bad i thought i was gonna go insane and just screamed as loud as i could in my dream for someone to wake me up for what felt like a long time. the minute that event started happening in the dream i was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and this idea that i wasnt supposed to be there, that I had moved into a dreamspace I absolutely should not be in and if I stayed any longer it was gonna be really really bad. tommorow is my busiest class day, im about to get 6 hours of sleep. Nonstop classes after classes. Its funny how in spite of this making all my other days fairly calm, I still think, I wonder how many more wednesdays I can really get through. All the breaks in the world arent long enough.

I wanna get a job and do work to fill my days, but my good NEETbux are contingent on me not working ever. Being disabled from childhood means when my parents retire, my NEETbux will be half their collective NEETbux. But if I work for even a month, the from childhood status of the disability will go away, and I'll be stuck with the crap NEETbux I have now. So I have to just rot away doing nothing.

I wish I wasn't a mere product of miscegenation. I can't experience a sense of belonging since I can't relate to any race, I heartily wish this unpleasant nightmare was just a dream and I can't stop worrying about the near future, with progressives and Liberals running this world, it makes me even more scared.

>>33309 >I wish I wasn't a mere product of miscegenation. Why do you consider yourself a mere product of an interracial marriage and nothing else? Do you not have any achievements to your name, wishes and aspirations of your own? Do you not think of yourself as human, but as an animal, with your peculiarities in physiology as your defining qualities? >I can't experience a sense of belonging since I can't relate to any race Does your sense of belonging depend solely on race? Do you not have friends and/or family? Are you not able to relate to people that belong to a race different from yours? I seriously don't understand sentiments like that. The source of your problems with communication and relationships isn't your race, it's you being awkward and self-conscious or generally unlikeable or bland. Spend less time on the Internet, find a hobby, reach out to people and make real friends IRL. I realize that this post may simply be right-wing agitprop, since Lainchan seems to be targeted by right-wingers as of late, but in case it's not, and it's an actual problem you have and that's the way you actually think about it, then you should really consider re-thinking it entirely.

>>33310 The spoiler is almost certainly the case. If not, if he's sincere in his post, then he is just looking for an excuse to blame his failures on his parents.

>>33272 Since it's not been very effective they've, moved me to another therapist who does IPT, rather than CBT. Does anyone have experience with that? They also suggested I try online dating. I was completely dumbfounded by that.

I'm going to kill myself. I really did try my best, but it wasn't enough. I think suddenly developing heart problems out of nowhere was the last straw. I was already close to suicide because I have BPD, and experienced all the consequences of that, and then I developed heart problems. I try talking to people, but nothing helps. I can't really even do drugs because it feels like my heart is off-kilter, and being high makes it far more uncomfortable. I can't even go out with a bang because I'm too exhausted, physically and mentally from my disorders. I'm probably going to try and get some heroin and OD. I won't be missed—I don't have any friends or family, other than my grandma, who I live with, who I don't interact with at all in any way, shape, or form, since she's a very rude, narcissistic person. I wish someone loved me enough to die with me, but we all know life isn't about what you want.

>>33313 Good luck, lainon. Your situation is bad and if you really tried everything, then this is the right decision. I'm sorry your life happened to be like this.

>>32301 Imagine being this fuarrrking stupid.

>>33313 you sound like you meditated a lot about your condition. I think it's all about chemicals. Never harm yourself before seriously checking out new medicine like Resveratrol, nmn, nr, lsd, cbd, and so on. Before off'ing yourself out of this planet act rationally and follow every good health advice you can find. Do you exercise, eat well ? Statistically, there is probably at least one person you could meet and have fun with right ? Anyway just fix your chemicals, you'll go from suicide thoughts to bored to death.

I don't expect to live to the end of the next decade any more. It just doesn't seem likely. Even if I live through famines and floods and fires and plagues, I'll probably get imprisoned or executed for thoughtcrimes by one revolution or another. They don't tend to like anarchist intellectuals with strong personal codes of ethics. This doesn't bother me that much, I mean I'd rather die than live to see everything keep getting worse year after year. But what does bother me is that most people don't seem to share this view, most people seem blindly optimistic that somehow the tides of history will get reversed and everything will turn out okay. As if we haven't been locked into this path for our entire lives. There is a dream I have a lot, maybe not a dream but a vision that is very firmly implanted on my mind. There is a car in the middle of the desert. The car is broken and not fixable, and it's so hot that the car's tires are sagging. A man and a woman sit behind the car in the shade, resting. I am the man, I don't know who the woman is. The nearest major road is miles away. We have no hope. We sit there and ration our dwindling water supply and enjoy each others' company as best we can until the end. The dream doesn't make me feel sad or frightened. If anything it makes me feel tired, like I'm already out in that desert waiting to die. And it makes me want to find a woman. That's all I really want out of life these days.

>>33318 ye women are great hacks to make your body feel good. It's deeply wired. Just gotta find one that's not dumb enough to mess with your dreams.

>>33318 >I don't expect to live to the end of the next decade any more. You don't sound like a good survivor. People who mentally give up, also give up their lives physically. Humans still haven't been wiped out of existence because they continue fighting and they win. The world haven't destroyed you yet, but you just decided to give up. A winner is a person who never gives up and the only way to take away their hope is by force from their cold dead hands. I don't know if this helps, some people are winners, some are not, but giving up before trying makes you definitely not a winner.

>>33320 >You don't sound like a good survivor. People who mentally give up, also give up their lives physically. yeah I'm not much of a fighter. I know how to survive in the wilderness but surviving in civilization is not like surviving in the wilderness, it is much more brutal and difficult and not worth the payoff. Plus the wilderness is all dead or dying anyway so wilderness survival isn't a great skill to have. >Humans still haven't been wiped out of existence because they continue fighting and they win. humans only fight each other any more, and waste time on stupid bullshit. Most humans alive today don't even know what the night sky looks like or what it feels like to breathe fresh air or hunt. Collective hubris will catch up sooner or later. >A winner is a person who never gives up and the only way to take away their hope is by force from their cold dead hands. I think a winner is someone who achieves their goals. My goals don't include being alive in ten years because I don't think it's a realistic goal. But I still want to do things with the time I have left, and I am willing to sacrifice a lot to accomplish them.

>>33313 Damn thats awful, its a real tragedy seeing another lainon go but i know whats down that road. Id probably follow you in a few years, but i hope atleast to get to make something good of the time thats left. Good luck in the great beyond. >>33318 Yup, its the terrible standards we have for living, its not like people couldnt do better, they just dont. Most things are just so fuarrrked in many ways, its unbelievable this species lasted that long. Im going to ride this out for as long as i can and with some luck maybe make something actually good in the end. >>33321 Again i can relate, it is so unbelivable how incredibly unnatural and detached we really are as a species. My only hope is civilization collapses rather than keep going. If everything goes as i hope i might make it to 40 and somewhat do not too bad, but after that its highly questionable for me. My life is and always was utterly fuarrrked and the candle cant be lit for much longer. Hardly much more than survival and occasional small pleasures and meanginless dead end ambitions await before i bite the dust or worse. I always hoped on day a miracle would happen and things would actually genuinely change, but seems that wont happen till humanity falls off the cliff by now and i feel tired of the soykafshow in between. I dont think i deserve it, but lots of people really do, i know they will get it and i dont feel any sorry about that.

you know the scream at the end of pink floyd movie, when the judge orders to tear down the wall? well, i wish i could scream like that right now

>>33279 yea literally, like going to get a wife from an asian country or something. I know it's something I wanted to do

>>33308 assuming you live in a western country. see when the next stimilus check is coming and if you can afford to be NEET or not, might be time to actually start working

>>33312 why do you go to therapy? to get help? or to get suggestions on how to get help? cause depending on the way you answer that. it might change everything

>>33313 don't do it lain, there's always something new coming out, i'm still alive for my parents sake despite for our relationships. I'm still alive because of the internet despite of my bad porn addiction. Learn to keep fighting, life isn't suppose to be easy. It's through pain and suffering you learn how to live and become stronger. "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

>>33313 >I don't have any friends or family, other than my grandma then you do have 'a' family. your grandma would be very sad and get a bad karma because of your both egos lol. I'm no doctor but I can theorize something here >heart problems maybe you've been sitting quite a lot while brewing soykaf. this also happened to me very long time and it turns out blood clots do occur from the thighs after sitting down for too long. Just make sure to avoid sitting for a long time, go out, walk and move your legs. on my case, I was reading up on long haul flights soykaf so I just happened to know about that clotting thing right on time and sorted out that problem. >bpd I don't really believe in disorders in general, it's just usually hormonal problems which you can fix with a monastic lifestyle. >exhausted physically and mentally see above. >contemplating on being loved love or hate are the same. even if she was rude at you, it only means she only wants you to be more of the ideal person in her mind. now if she ignores you and kicks you out in the beginning, that is the opposite of love (uncaring).

>>33312 >They also suggested I try online dating. Now that's plain bad advice. What's worse, is that it's the therapist who suggested you do that. That's something I'd hear from my clueless parents, not from a qualified professional. You might want to see a different therapist.

>>33329 I started going to therapy on the advice of others after nothing I tried to fix my own life worked. I was told it was the only thing that could fix me at this point. I just want to stop feeling awful all the time. I was initially offered CBT, which I was averse to because I wasn't sure it would address any of root issues and it didn't.

>>33332 Online dating is awful but it seems to be how people meet each other nowadays.

a police fine, letter for gas and an email for my water...and I owe lots of council tax too, none I can afford to pay. They should make me pay in advance if they want the money.

not venting something necessarily negative... started a new job, one of my coworkers is a silver fox middle eastern dude with hazel eyes, he's a couple of years older than me... 10/10 would happily be the fourth wife in the harem (even though he's single) but I'm in a relationship and obviously not really interested in cheating. still, damn.

>>33335 More people meet each other online nowadays. I found talking to girls on tindr was a safe space where I could just say whatever and not have to worry about appearing as a rapist. Just helped my conversational skills really, never met anybody interesting on there, because people looking for love online just ain't a gel for me I guess. I would recommend depending on how strict you're countries lockdown is to just try and meet people in real life. You have a good reason to talk to them (you are in the same area and thus likely doing the same thing) and its easier because your bodies involved too. Texting is very cerebral.

>>33353 it's not worth it. hot guys tend to be controlling with their looks. they literally get away with anything

>>33334 not sure what to say lain, maybe you really should try self theraphy on yourself to see how it works

>>33350 tell them you can't afford it, they can put you on debt but not jail

>>33366 That isn't true for all jurisdictions. Some places can imprison you for debting on official bills. Contact them and make payment arrangements. You'll have to come clean on your situation and work with them.

>>33335 Where is the online dating for people who despise modernity?

>>33416 >Where is the online dating for people who despise modernity? I think that's called church.

>>33334 I don't see how cock and ball torture could help with your problems.

>>33416 Why don't you make a profile stating "btw I despise modernity" and just watch the messages flood your inbox.

>>33313 I also got heart problems since April. I think this has something to do with the virus. I dont know if I was infected, but I had a bad flu around this time.

>>33418 Christian Mingle is a thing. Somehow.

>>33437 >I also got heart problems since April. I think this has something to do with the virus. Not that lainon, but I heard the virus can really cause some problems with many organs including heart. >I dont know if I was infected, but I had a bad flu around this time. The virus has flu-like symptoms.

Can't sleep, my family is awful and will probably put the blame on me and not let me sleep for the rest of the day to "fix my problem". I'm trying to stay calm and get a few hours before they wake up but I already accepted it's going to be a soykafty 24 hours.

Im just disturbed by how crazy people are in current year. The 2016 election has nothing on this. The US has serious mental health problems.

>>31951 Today I realized it's very likely my parents and siblings don't like me. Somehow this never occurred to me as possible. I'm quite sure there's no-one in the world who has met me has liked me. It's a weird feeling, doubly so because I also think I should have known this all along.

>>33439 Singles nights for Christians have always been a thing, long before the internet too. The goal is to put lonely believers in one place one night a week without alcohol or other vices usually associated with dating so they can fall in love, get married and have sex in the missionary position to procreate and make even more lonely Christian singles. There are Muslim only dating apps too. Some lady wrote an article about it, she said it was the same steady stream of messages that only said "hi" but minus all the dick pics.

I am extremely confused and concerned right now. I opened Wikipedia, and I had a notification telling me that an edit I made was automatically rejected. The thing is, I've never made any edits to any Wikipedia article, I don't even have a Wikipedia account. I decided to investigate this matter further: the edit was made from my IP address, from a mobile device. I checked the list of devices that are connected to the router, but there were none that didn't belong to me. As for the edit in question, it wasn't vandalism or advertisements or anything like that, it was just an addition to the article with bizarre formatting and grammar mistakes, almost as if it was an illiterate child who wrote all this. Now I'm extremely confused and greatly agitated. How could this happen?

>>33485 Your ISP has you NATed

>>33485 >bizarre formatting and grammar mistakes, almost as if it was an illiterate child who wrote all this. Weird suggestion, but could it be that you had some short term psychotic break and don't remember it? I know a guy who had short episodes like that, started writing strange messages to people, then deleted them, and did other crazy soykaf, later denied everything because he didn't remember. I don't wanna scare you, but to me mental illness sounds more likely than some hacker using your internet to make wrong wikipedia edits. What kind of edit was it?

>>33482 I dont see why you would not get smashed if faith doesnt prohibit it, sounds boring as fuarrrk. That being said id be curious to know how dating outside of the mainstream works, but not interested enough that id actually want to look at it directly. I suppose some people here might find some company there, but i personally dont find the company of religious people pleasent. I always kinda fancied hanging out with some new ager groups, then again most of them are insufferable shallow hipsters i heard. Even though out of all social settings id seem to fit in most to them, id still be way far too weird and antisocial to even remotely fit in.

>>33543 >I dont see why you would not get smashed if faith doesnt prohibit it, sounds boring as fuarrrk. I'm an alcoholic who has never tried to quit except short term and never sought treatment or peer support for it and I can give 100 reasons why people would choose not to mix drinking with dating or mingling. Obviously I can just as easily rationalize mixing the two as well, and frequently do. As for new agers... literal actual new agers and hipsters are the least compatible groups I can imagine. I don't see how there could be an overlap between one group I perceive as sincere yet hopelessly hopeful, naive and superstitious vs the one subculture in society that currently trumps all the others for snide cynicism and just being "over" nearly everyone else.

>>33543 >I always kinda fancied hanging out with some new ager groups, then again most of them are insufferable shallow hipsters i heard. insufferable and shallow yes, hipsters no. Most new agers are just really gullible IME. But they aren't at all the most common type of hippie, nor the worst.

>>33561 I used the wrong terms, >>33565 corrected me on that. Yes i meant shallow as in mostly about the feel good vibe and not the actual message and all the other bs, still i imagine out of many social groups this one might be one of the most fascinating ones. They also seem like really cool people to be down with, then again grass is always greener on the other side i suppose.

I'm probably going to be alone my entire life. Not the kind of person that gets lonely but seeing another 40-60 years of this ahead weighs a bit on me... I've tried my hardest with the social stuff, I really have, it just never works out. It just becomes a headache I don't want to deal with. Drama, rumors, exclusion, fighting. From people that I didn't expect it from. Besides that, the whole "love" and "family" aspects aren't real to me. My family acts nice but they would drop me like a rock if they knew I left their religion. Love just doesn't happen to someone like me. Never had it, so forgetting about it is a bit easier.

>>33569 >I'm probably going to be alone my entire life. How old are you? Maybe it's not to late. >I've tried my hardest with the social stuff, I really have, it just never works out. It just becomes a headache I don't want to deal with. What have you tried exactly? I just go and talk to people and they like me. Are you ugly/handsome? use 0-10 scale and better ask someone random. >Drama, rumors, exclusion, fighting. From people that I didn't expect it from. Are you trying to be friends with the right people? Some are just assholes, maybe your choices are too emotional. >Besides that, the whole "love" and "family" aspects aren't real to me. Yeah, they're mostly illusion. I believe in friendship and sexual attraction though. Atheist or just swapped religions? I'm an atheist, but my family is also. I'm sorry your "family" picks a meme over their own child. >Love just doesn't happen to someone like me. Never had it, so forgetting about it is a bit easier. Are you ugly? I know from my experience own people tend to underestimate their attractiveness. Maybe there are some shy girls liking you and you just didn't notice.

>>33566 Also, new age can refer, disparagingly, to any flakey white people into some retail purchased instant "enlightenment"or it can refer to an actual movement that sort of had a core set of beliefs but also practiced an omnivorous sort of spirituality that borrowed from other cultures. Most of the adherents are senior citizens or dead now I think, and that sort of cultural appropriation is sort of frowned upon nowadays. You can look into it though, they were early netizens and embraced the internet as a tool to bring about some kind of united humanity, one love(tm) and all that.

>>33573 >I just go and talk to people and they like me. >Are you trying to be friends with the right people? I mean that's what I though, I can be with them years before that bull happens and I never see it coming. >Atheist or just swapped religions? Ex-Muslim, not sure what I am now though. It doesn't really matter to me. The whole country is Muslim so this is a lie I have to maintain for a very, very long time. >Are you ugly? I'm fine looks-wise, I've seen people do much better with far worse, why? Because I'm unsociable. Being 'open' in a social context does not come to me. Doesn't help that my hobbies aren't social either. I spend all day after work just drawing my comic. >Maybe there are some shy girls liking you and you just didn't notice. lol I wish, I don't talk or see anyone outside of work (a sausage fest) for that to be true.

>>33627 >I mean that's what I though, I can be with them years before that bull happens and I never see it coming. >Ex-Muslim, not sure what I am now though. It doesn't really matter to me. >The whole country is Muslim so this is a lie I have to maintain for a very, very long time. I don't know then. I don't know much about culture of Muslim countries, so I'm not sure I can give you a valuable advice. In my country people don't care much about religion, except for orthodox catholics - some of them will either try to christianize you or they'll drop contact with you, but that's a minority, at least in city. Maybe there's something about the culture of your country that makes it hard to make friends? >I'm fine looks-wise, I've seen people do much better with far worse, why? Because I'm unsociable. Being 'open' in a social context does not come to me. >Doesn't help that my hobbies aren't social either. I spend all day after work just drawing my comic. Your type of personality might make it hard to find good friends - if you have some rare and thinking personality, then finding friends among those who value openness and basic human social behaviors may be hard. Have you tried making friends online? >lol I wish, I don't talk or see anyone outside of work (a sausage fest) for that to be true. Are the sausages tasty? Anyway, everywhere on this fuarrrking planet it is easy to make "friends" and hard to make real friends. It is going to be even harder if you don't put any effort into making friends. Sometimes just saying "Hi" and talking about something interesting with the person may give you a good friend. Just doing this gives you a new cosmic opportunity to meet someone special who isn't a double-faced bitch.

I wonder if I've been genuinely improving or simply creating a false impression of being more positive, functional and stable for other people to see without acknowledging it. I often catch myself acting completely different when I'm alone and feeling emotionally drained when I come back home after a long day of interacting with others.

>>33663 The clinical term for this particular syndrome is "human in the 21st century".

I hate my life and my bleak existence, and I fear it will become nothing but mundane and average at best. I currently have mood swings and fall into depression, and this has been nonstop for the past 4-5 years, and it’s been slowly growing worse. My problems seem to stem from my career choice, scheduling, and regret from not pursuing other extracurricular activities in the past and missing out on a lot of things in my early 20s. I’m currently pursuing in a career that has plenty of job security, but it comes it a few caveats. One, is that there seems to be a ceiling on the pay gap, so I can’t seem to go more than the average $50k a year salary. Two, the work tasks related to the job is very boring tasks. Three, is the weekly scheduling, as entry level graduates often get 3rd shift (night) – so it seems like I will mostly likely miss out on social life and dating. 1st shift (normal job hours) is very rare and seems only likely to be transferable once you worked for several years (10 minimum it seems). 2nd shift (early afternoons until at night) is the worst as you are guaranteed no social life at all. I feel like I’m stuck with this career no choice and I have no intention of going back to school to pay a lot of money for something that may be better or worse, even if you have a few years of experience. At the same time, it seems like all jobs are very boring and mundane, and I’ve been trying to find a way to either come to terms with that and balance my life with my job, or find an escape. I don’t think I have done anything that makes me feel happy or rememberable in my early 20s. All I ever done was school and playing video games. I haven’t even pursued a relationship or had sex in my life. Now that the age of 30s is approaching, I feel like everything will go downhill from there, and if people haven’t set up a social life or had extreme experiences in their 20s, they seem to be screwed. Even a lot of quality girls will be all taken, and you would be left with “leftovers”. The only thing I enjoy in life is rock climbing and hiking, and even that seems to be drifting away, since there are very few places (if any) where I can pursue those hobbies where I live. On top of that, my vision is getting worse and I also fear retinal detachment. The last thing I want is the loose or worsen my eyes. Aside from venting and typing a blog post, some practical advice would be appreciated. How do I get out of the hole I am in? What practical advice and steps do I need to take to improve myself? It seems like I need to make some changes in my life, but I don’t know where to start.

I’ve lost nearly $1000 on the stock market. I’m starting to think my investment thesis is false :( :( :(

>>33696 My story is similar, I blew my youth on a whole lot of nothing. Now I'm mid-late twenties, and all I've got to show for it is a degree in a field that I don't like and I'm not good at. I don't know how to go from having a lonely, mediocre life to having a meaningful one, but for you I would recommend defining what it is exactly you want. Rather than thinking about your life as a "hole" to dig yourself out of, break it down into the various things you'd like to change, and focus heavy on one till it gets solved. It's too bad about your eyes, but it's a good thing that you got to experience rock climbing because it means you've become able to explore new hobbies and things. Exploring new things is what I've been focusing on personally, and it feels good. When I try out new things, even if I don't like them, I don't have to just feel my regrets, I can let myself feel hope that there's all sorts of ways for a person to be happy. There's all sorts of ways to write a good story for a person's life. I believe that for me, and I believe that for you too, and for everyone in this thread (not to downplay anyone's unique struggles, I'm just saying that you can do it). Everyone, good luck.

I like to learn, but my culture discourages learning when it doesn't result in profit. My family acts like I'm a weirdo when they see me reading a book. I feel guilty for doing the only thing I'm good at and the only thing I really enjoy. Something that I really truly believe is important for reasons above simple self-pleasure or even vague humanitarian aims. But no, my culture doesn't believe in such things. I'm supposed to be a wretched screen junkie, constantly worried about the disaster of the day and sharing low-quality memes. I'm supposed to spend 100% of my time either slaving away for profit, or being an absolute layabout. No in between. Don't get me wrong, I love to waste time when I rest. It's just that I don't like to waste all my time, I like to do things that I feel are important, and so few people see my scholarly work as important.

>>31984 That's an issue with the world in general. People put up a facade of themselves in front of others, those others interpret it in their own way and come up with a their custom version of the person in front of them.

>>32109 I feel you. I have active backlogs and am pursuing a degree in a major I actively dislike (don't ask why, the education system here is more fscked that Inception's plot). Sometimes, I wish this Corona crisis just ends the world in general and relieve me from this misery.

>>31951 My brain actively hates me and creates new problems for it to worry about. Constant overthinking has made life a living hell. Being sad has become the default in my life. It has gotten to the point where I have become afraid of happiness.

>>33710 Your post jumped out at me. My family is the same way. I can't discuss mathematics or programming with them, because I'm the only one who understands that (this is part of why I use Lainchan), and I can't even discuss the details of English or skepticism towards topics like history without resistance. I'm usually in my room, while they stare at the television, and whereas I read, research, and use my computer to create, they just passively absorb whatever's thrown at them. They've been entangled in nonsense rumors spreading around, and then get mad at me when I poke holes in them. So many times I've tried to show my mother something, for her to only respond with, "But how is this going to make you money?", and I eventually stopped showing them things for the most part. My mother tells me she doesn't like that I'm unemployed, and I should be able to support myself, but I point out that companies import bodies purposefully to drive wages down, and I'm agreed with, but it's ignored. I don't feel bad about being a leech, because the real leeches are those who make money solely because their parents already had money, and they do nothing to earn any of it. I'm also the only member of my family who does much of any reading. >I'm supposed to be a wretched screen junkie, constantly worried about the disaster of the day and sharing low-quality memes. Not only do normal people use their phones more than use my computers, I create and they never do. It's wildly different in both ways. They don't take breaks, even when watching movies or using the toilet, which is why they use them more than I do, because I can stand some separation. It's just more visible when I use a laptop and they use their tracking device every normal person owns. >I'm supposed to spend 100% of my time either slaving away for profit, or being an absolute layabout. No in between. >so few people see my scholarly work as important. Don't let it stop you. Continue to carve out meaning, no matter how many people try to stop you. I work on my research with little value to anyone except me, and that gives my life enough purpose for me to persevere. Don't let the normal people destroy you.

>>33722 Are you engaged in active programming by any chance?

>>33731 I don't know what that means. I currently program, and intend to do more today. Also, I forgot to mention in my first post how omnipresent this kind of anti-intellectualism has been in my life. Even when I was much younger, my family would be upset with me for merely learning new words, convinced I was doing it solely to make them feel stupid. How absurd is that?

I had that dream again where I get a girlfriend. I don't like that dream.

>>33751 It means whether you do coding as your primary job and/or spend most of your time engaged in it.

My existence is utterly pointless at this point. I can barely derive any enjoyment from life, but all the negativity I can sense as keenly as I always have. I was diagnosed with a few chronic conditions that will get worse, cause more discomfort and require more medical attention with age. My mental health has been on a downward spiral the last few years. It's bad enough to turn me into a soulless automaton that's on the verge of breaking down at the most basic of tasks, but not enough to warrant an institutionalization and make me eligible for disability benefits. Relationships with my family are growing progressively more tense, as I am seen as worthless and a burden, I wasn't asked to move out yet, but I had a bunch of talks about "becoming an adult", "becoming independent", and listened to a few angry rants about how much of a directionless disappointment I am, and I can feel the animosity and disdain towards me grow by day. Moving out sounds alright, but I am genuinely an empty husk of a human being, I've never had any meaningful interests I could pursue on my own, any drive to meet new people, achieve success or become self-sufficient, all I ever had was duty to fulfil that was set there by my parents, and now I am actively shunned by them for the qualities such upbringing cultivated. I am expected to do things a healthy adult would do, but I am never met with understanding. It's bizzare how people can obviously tell something is wrong, proceed to blame and shame you for this, and then flat out deny the problem exists and insist you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and stop making excuses. I am actually thinking of ending it all in a few months and throwing myself under a train. Don't care if they get fined.

>>31987 I feel the same way, on one hand I wish I could talk to a lot of people and belong in a community besides my small group of friends, but I feel it's almost impossible to have a deep friendship with people you met online, anytime I try to join a server it's always the same 3 guys talking to each other, most of my interactions now happen in anonymous IB's, I feel safer in those, as if there was a secret agreement to be truthful and honest, safe in anonymity.

>>32070 Open up to her 100% tell her everything you feel, speak all your truth, tell her she made you "feel" again. I've been in that situation, someone finds you and appreciates you, up to that point I never felt "butterflies" inside me, if she made you "feel" please hold her near you, open up to her, it's the best outcome I believe, and the best decision I made.

>>32175 >real life Lainon don't forget, life is whatever you decide it to be, you don't need to follow other's path of life.

>>33775 I know some other people like this. Basically, if you have any close enough friends (irl or online), tell them your situation and ask if they can house you temporarily. It is important to ask these things ahead of time so you at least have some kind of plan. If not, you should try to find some soykafty service job. If you're a soulless automaton already you'll probably be numb to the intense boredom. Plus if you are friendly with your coworkers you may end up making friends with them over time. Having a significant change in your life is often a major way in which mental problems are resolved or fixed.

Im in limbo, just a constant sense of waiting for wrongs in my life to be righted. Only to have more things go wrong. The months before this one I was working hard and optimistic but now its all blown up in my face. Im sick of not having enough money my whole life. It causes all the problems.

>>33779 While this is sort of true, loneliness has a way of sneaking up on you, and there are lots of things about yourself you don't get to decide.

Since last year I've been bipolaring hard. Now that I'm depressed I realize I have been just "sad" during my twenties. There's plenty soykaf that went wrong, but everything seemed salvageable until now. Now I feel like I have chains hanging from my ribs and I'm gonna be stuck unable to socialize forever.

>>33791 True, but anything not under your control is not important, judge people by their conscious decisions, not by what skin color they were born with or dick size etc; try hanging out with people with the same mentality, people that don't fire at the chance to hurt you, who understand that people have a lot of things that they cannot control and appreciate you for what you've become, not your circumstances.

*hugs* to everyone in this thread

>>33774 Yes.

I had therapy over lockdown and stopped wanting to kill myself, yesterday I went on a date with a beautiful female, i'm so happy. A part of me wants to slap my old self for being so depressed and anxious, but if I had not gone through that I would not be where I am now. All those problems I had in my head seem so insignificant now. I'm an introvert but I've slowly learnt how to deal with people and now I quite enjoy it. Talking to people really helps, even if its just the shopping assistant, human interactions make us feel human. There's a book called 'How to talk to absolutely anyone' that's quite good. Sometimes I think I'm Patrick Bateman because I learnt all this fashion/society soykaf myself and its not genuine to my roots but fuarrrk it nobody reads into stuff that much.

>>33775 >all I ever had was duty to fulfil that was set there by my parents, and now I am actively shunned by them for the qualities such upbringing cultivated It's bizarre how youth is now expected to flow with society's changing landscape, and learn to position themselves in complex work and social environments that only existed the last 40 years, 10 in some cases. Parents have no way of guiding this process (like every other instance of human history), but if you fail to insert on it completely on your own they will still recriminate you for it.

>>33813 glad for you, but keep it up if you ever feel like you are slipping back, remember all that

>>33802 a hug to you too

Got off a 4 hour phone conversation with a highschool friend of mine and I've never been this suicidal in my life. The weak voice that usually calls for the rope is growing stronger and stronger. I don't even know what exactly about that conversation is pushing me off the edge. My rational voice is trying to calm me down and this is my first post here.

>>33819 >Got off a 4 hour phone conversation with a highschool friend of mine and I've never been this suicidal in my life. Did something happen? >I don't even know what exactly about that conversation is pushing me off the edge. Sometimes knowing people are changing or already changed without you can cause this feeling. Or maybe there's a thing that subconsciously bothers you, it may become clear after one or two days, speaking from my perspective. >My rational voice is trying to calm me down and this is my first post here. First post in /vent/ or on lainchan generally? Anyway welcome, don't brew soykaf. The rational voice is likely more rational than the second voice. Emotions are dumb monkey soykaf mostly to be ignored.

>>33820 That conversation was absolutely normal. We just talked politics, bitched about a few of our classmates and were just trying to cheer the other up. Maybe talking about the past with him made my mind silently dig a second hole, letting some really bad memories flow. You are right about the perspective - a good sleep did calm down the voices. This is my first time posting on lain. I usually just lurk in /music/ for reccs.

>>33716 >Afraid of being happy That happens to me as well, but why does it happens to you? mine happens because if i was happy, something soykafty will happen and i will be depressed again

- People suffer and know that the world is suffering yet they still choose to have kids - I choose to not have kids - Therefore, I can separate myself from the suffering and morality of this world and do whatever I want as long as I don't disturb other people - That means I can choose to ignore people who brought their suffering onto themselves and even choose to involve their kids in their misfortunes I am not sure if my moral is flawed but this kind of thinking has made certain people think I am some kind of psychopath All I wanted is to be left alone to do what I want and die peacefully

The last few wet dreams I had were extremely homoerotic and now they made me question my sexuality. T-thanks, nofap.

>>33858 Could have been weirder. Could have been Ohio.

>>33858 What's it feel like to question your sexuality? I've been attracted to women on a consistent basis since puberty, so seeing some people describe that timespan as a time for sexual uncertainty didn't connect with me. So I'm curious as to how that's being processed.

>>33857 Morality is complex and subjective. People discuss morality and ethics professionally and still disagree. Is part of your logic that you intentionally don't have any dependents and therefore are free of moral responsibility/obligation towards others, unlike people who have kids and therefore are morally obligated to raise them and can't be as care-free? I'm not disagreeing, I'm just not sure if I understand the true meaning of the third line. Otherwise, it sounds to me like 'X did immoral thing, I didn't do that thing, therefore I am holier than X and that excuses me from morality' which I don't think is fine. It looks like you have a 'live and let live' morality that I personally agree with. I don't feel a person has any moral obligation to participate in society or reproduction, and if whatever you want is minimally affecting others, cool. My guess is that people who invested their time into raising you or helping you feel cheated or that you are ungrateful. That is where I might say, to an extent, you could have some moral debt, but that doesn't mean you are obliged to be in society or reproduce. A parent or society doesn't own a child's life goals or purpose. I think it's fine to want to be alone, pursue your own goals (provided they're reasonably harmless) and to live and die peacefully.

>>33860 Not them (and I want to hear their response too), there are a few factors that would change what it's like and how serious it is. Things like stigma and identity. As an extreme example, someone adopted and raised by a homosexual couple in a tolerant environment would have a different questioning experience to someone raised in a devout religious society that told them people with certain sexualities will be doomed to unimaginable torture. If you've had a religious questioning phase, it's a similar feeling. For me, I had a minor sexuality questioning after seeing intersex/trap stuff that was arousing. It started off with instinctual denial (I like naked girls, I don't like naked guys, it's a girl with a dick and my brain is attracted to the femininity, therefore it's not gay/bi). The hesitance probably came from preexisting identity as straight (inertia, I'd say) and that while I couldn't care less about homosexuals, it is used as an insult in society ('that's gay', 'what a glitterboy', etc.) so there's no real incentive to want to identify that way and some incentive to deny. Then as it became more obvious that a penis was an arousing feature rather than an imperfection to ignore, I realized it wasn't really logical to deny. Technically speaking I'm bisexual in a specific way. Masculine body features like muscle shapes, hair growth, voice and facial features are sexually revolting but penises themselves aren't. For simplicity I say I'm straight because the secondary female sexual features are what I find most attractive, 99+% of guys I find sexually revolting, but a convincingly-feminine male or a feminine intersex is attractive too, so technically no.