/vent/ - let it all out #20

Previous thread: >>28188

I think this is it for me. My mother might have cancer, my brother might lose his job soon, the recession is shaping into something terrible that will hit in the worst possible way, and I wasted most of my adult life on a stupid dream that I finally realize is completely impossible to achieve. I have been working hard but so much time has passed that the world has changed to the point where it's unrecognizable. I don't even feel like there's a place for me in this environment. I worked on things I loved in my childhood and stories I wanted to tell but outside of my poor progress, the reality of 2020 is that nobody gives a damn about anything I draw or like but Japanese people drawing anime CP have hundreds of thousands of followers. Art was the only thing that brought me relief but it seems like today its purpose is either updating the packaging of long standing consumer products or drawing pornography that would be illegal if done IRL. Art is a now celebration of the ugliest things of humanity, I don't know when it happened but I feel so defeated by this, I can't cope with it. If I couldn't compete because what I do is inferior, if I didn't achieve the greatness, I would understand, but I cannot deal that I'm not relevant but this ugly garbage is. It's made me lost all empathy toward people. I don't understand why people are so goddamn ugly and disgusting. We made all this progress as a species and yet people are still these terrible hellspawn made of horrible instincts. So I give up. I have tried keeping on with less and less enthusiasm each year, now I finally don't have any. I am exhausted, I no longer want to try. Even if I tried I wouldn't manage to make anything exciting or attractive to the consumers or whatever the fuarrrk they should be called. I don't want to contribute to this society. I don't want to do something else. I don't want to make food for people, or other goods or be of service to anybody. I have elderly acquaintances who life is blissful ignorance of everything or perhaps they belong to a time where people kept all the ugliness under cover. These people will die soon, probably, and they will never even touch on what things have become. These people also did horrible things that I'll never know about. Maybe this is all just a byproduct of knowing what people are really made of. I can't get this stuff out of my head. I just can't accept that people are like this. I feel like everything good I believed in was just a little game people played for points, and now that the game has changed these things are being abandoned. I am terrified by how versatile and flexible people are. Only the root stays the same and the root seems to be darker and darker the more I manage to get a clear view of it. I don't know what to do with my life. I have abandoned the majority of the web because of this useless fight I'm losing against the megacorps, all because I don't want to turn into a product. I have met people and I couldn't even talk to them. I am just so damn tired of everything, tired of all the stupidity and lies and ugly stuff. I'm tired of doing everyday stuff and realize I've been thinking about suicide in the background for the past 20 minutes and I've got tears running down my face. There can't be a hell worse than this, the only thing worse than this would be to be born again and go through it all over again.

>>29609 I'm sorry to hear about what has befallen your family. It pains me greatly when someone from my close family is hurting, so I feel like I understand your pain at least a little. What's your mom's cancer like? I know not all cancers have a bad prognosis, so hopefully she can recover from it. And I see you've written "might", so there is also the chance that she's alright. I also feel like today's society and way of life is ugly and hedonistic. Perhaps that is what you're seeing in people, since like you said, people are versatile and will adapt to the conditions they're living in. Maybe it's the other way around though - it's a bit of a "chicken or egg" situation. In any case, do not let others trample your love of art - you should protect it and continue to find relief in it, even if you do it only for your sake. Remember that the works of many people were only appreciated after they were dead - you shouldn't necessarily consider your art inferior because others do not like it.

>>29612 There's no point doing these things for their own sake. Art is a language, you need to say something and there needs to be someone else to reach. It's all completely pointless if people need to be sold so hard on anything with a meaning but they'll go through hoops and barriers for porn. All language has been destroyed as soon as people didn't have to process things anymore because tribes and personal armies became readily available, you could sort of hide your face and name while doing whatever and making noise in an endless crowd is worth a thousand words. I don't want appreciation or glory, I want humanity. There wasn't much of it left when I started, there's none left now. I used to really love people, I did so many things that involved them, but it's all been beaten out of me. The other problems are stuff I don't even want to talk about. In the end it will all boil down to becoming another number, I will never become that.

>>29613 >There's no point doing these things for their own sake. Art is a language, you need to say something and there needs to be someone else to reach. this painting was never intended to be seen by anyone but the artist. It was found in his home after he died. It is considered fine art. I personally am unwilling to show my art/doodles to anybody. I do it anyway. Whatever you say the "point" is I mostly draw to calm myself down and meditate.

>>29614 correction: this painting was painted directly onto the walls of the artist's house, and was never transferred to canvas or seen by the public until after he died. Definitely many people saw it though, it was in his dining room.

>>29614 >>29615 The author of that painting has a quote that says: >The act of painting is about one heart telling another where he found salvation.

>>29616 the point is that his audience remained very small. You don't need a big audience to be an artist.

>>29613 Do your art, save it, display it where others might see it and post it online. Even if most people ignore it in favour of drawn pornography at least you will be doing some small part to push back against that and brighten the days of those who do look at it. Throughout history art has been filled with the basest of urges but the art that strives for something higher and perseveres is the art that will survive for generations to come.

>>29617 >>29618 People are not the same as they were 2 centuries ago, people just consume now. I doubt people even think there's a human being behind what they look at, you're just content appearing for a second on someone's buffet. And people act like they own you and your work just because you put yourself online. I've had things traced, pornography drawn off my work as a sign of "appreciation", if this is what it means to push back I don't want to push back. All that pains me is that I know that working and commuting will leave me destroyed with no time or strength to pursue this passion any more. I've been through it, I know. It's only a matter of time before that will be my life, and honestly I just don't want to keep going if that's the case. I also want to burn everything I made before I go. That will be my soykafty payback.

>>29619 >People are not the same as they were 2 centuries ago, people just consume now. I can say with certainty that many things I "just consumed" have had a profound impact on my life and my understanding of the world. Your cynicism is unwarranted.

>>29620 Things have definitely changed. The diverging trend is continually accelerating. What we might call traditional social media (kek) has cemented consumption patterns established in the 80s-90s. Most changes have been guided into patterns that further exacerbate our plight, to the advantage of the few. If have managed to avoid these transformations that should be commended. Most of us have fallen prey. I am one of them. Stay strong, chose. One.

>>29620 When does one's life become about acting upon the world and taking agency instead of merely re-learning and understanding and theorizing? That's a problem I've been having.

>>29620 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRG2jlQWCsY

>>29636 I'm the rantposter and ironically I've lived all the things in this speech. And that's probably one of the reasons why toady I typed that rant. All these experiences, and the collective experience, it's all eroded and deep-fried to the point where it's unrecognizable.

I want to die but I'm too demotivated to do it. Anyone who tries to help me feels fake and I feel like a massive burden. I'm suffering from this and unsure on what to do.

Six figure salary. Not the low six figures either. It was a long road here and this year I was slowly losing all the productivity I've had which got me here. It was interesting at first, but got old quick. I don't associate with our user base in the slightest, I can't make products to make them happy, I don't want to make them happy, they are like different species. I don't feel a part of the team and I'm not excited about working with anyone on the things we do. Nothing is interesting to me in what I do, it's a well-paid and very shiny boring grind. I don't even need money anymore, all I ever wanted I have bought and now it just piles up and makes me nervous. Metaphorically, every day a truck comes and dumps more money in my backyard, more of this useless resource, rotting from inflation. Refusing it is idiotic, wasting it on luxury is useless and not satisfying, I just let it pile up for my retirement. But I already live like I'm in retirement. Every week I can force myself to do less and less, and with this out of home working situation it goes unnoticed, but someday They would notice, call me a burn-out, send me on a vacation, send me to therapy or fire me. I don't know what I want next. All I ever slightly wanted I already have. I've outgrown my old desires and found nothing else worth desiring, world proposes me to either become a maniac and spend everything on hedonism or become a regular person with a happy wife, but I can imagine all these paths so well I feel like I've already lived all the possible ways of living. There's no motivation to pursue a different way of life, I'm too satisfied and too well-fed, at my peak and constantly peaking, with nowhere else to move, with no directions to grow, just sitting here staring at the wall of my monitors, in this stupid state of knowing everything and having everything but moving nowhere. Oh muse, come to me and guide me out of this local optimum and don't let me ruin all I've built in my apparent apathy.

>>29644 >at my peak Deep in your heart, you know this isn't true. >>29637 >To be a mass tourist, for me, is to become a pure late-date American: alien, ignorant, greedy for something you cannot ever have, disappointed in a way you can never admit. It is to spoil, by way of sheer ontology, the very unspoiledness you are there to experience, It is to impose yourself on places that in all non-economic ways would be better, realer, without you. It is, in lines and gridlock and transaction after transaction, to confront a dimension of yourself that is as inescapable as it is painful: As a tourist, you become economically significant but existentially loathsome, an insect on a dead thing.

>>29645 >Deep in your heart, you know this isn't true. Oh I am, just stuck on it for too long and it's no longer as desirable as it was when I was reaching it year ago. No climax, no release, just a state of never-ending manic masturbation. Building my career to get seven figure salary would be making this pointless peak higher, just more money to spend on nothing, getting off this peak to live in "wilderness" and look for different and higher and more fulfilling peaks would decrease my quality of life and doesn't guarantee any success so I hesitate. I feel trapped at the top of this mountain and don't see any other mountains from here. And now it starts to crumble beneath me, as I become paralyzed predicting possibilities.

>>29609 >...the reality of 2020 is that nobody gives a damn about anything I draw or like but Japanese people drawing anime CP have hundreds of thousands of followers >Art was the only thing that brought me relief but it seems like today its purpose is either updating the packaging of long standing consumer products or drawing pornography that would be illegal if done IRL I understand your feelings. Although I'm not a professional artist, I like art, I dabble in it myself a little bit and follow a lot of artists on various social media platforms. Fanarts and NSFW works do garner more attention on average regardless of their quality, and this is vicariously disheartening, for the lack of a better term. There are numerous skillful and dedicated artists out there, and it genuinely pains me that their art doesn't get the recognition it deserves. Should this be a reason to give up? Absolutely not. Relevance is fickle, especially nowadays. It comes, but more often than that, it goes. The huge numbers you see are deceptive and never paint the real picture. Not to mention, what truly matters is the quality of interaction with art, not quantity. One hundred thousand disinterested onanists isn't a following one should be proud of or strive towards. There are a few artists whose profiles I consistently check to see if they posted anything new. Their follower count is around ten thousand or less, they don't draw anything explicit, fanarts make up only a small fraction of their works, they don't suck up to other, more popular artists to gain reposts and followers, they do their thing and don't follow trends. I appreciate them and their work so much. Other people seem to do so too, the quality of interaction that I was talking about is on a different level. The feedback these artists get is not a tired "thirsty" emoji, not a "NUT" meme or anything along those lines, it's genuine praise of their skill and the work they do, imbued with inspiration and respect. I feel like you already understand everything yourself. You acknowledge that art produced by a lot of "relevant" and "popular" artists is of worse quality, has little significance besides erotic excitement and pandering to fans of some series/franchise. The thing you seem most envious of is their following, but if that implies caving in, and even then the number of followers wouldn't be an exact reflection of your art's value, why would you bother with that then? Press on and create! Don't let anyone or anything drag you down! Be the change you want to see! Hard work, great skill and genuine originality pay off tenfold. Don't be afraid to publish your work. It will attract people who understand you. We are all naturally drawn to "lowbrow" things, but it's liable to change, good taste can be cultivated. When seen by others, your art and ideas will contribute to changing the situation for the better, even if by a small margin. Never give up!

>>29644 If I was making a six figure salary I would get a half-decent apartment and start buying equipment for my archival project. I would live frugally and spend my days learning and working on my projects.... maybe find a wife, she'd need to be pretty nuts to live with me though... there is always more to learn, always more to do, having money(literally any amount. Right now I have $800 saved up and the only reason I'm not broke is because I live with my parents and they own the house outright) would make it all that much easier. I envy you, lain.

>>29647 That man doesn't really harvest clams. He's a TV personality. He makes those fake videos for money. I don't want huge numbers, I wanted to do something relevant to anybody's life. I have tried for the last 6 or 7 years. I'm honestly too tired to read the rest of your post, but words are empty and reality is another thing. People do not give a soykaf. I have given up on the idea that I will ever impact anybody. I didn't ever want money or a huge following, but I think in the numbers you can see where people's priorities are.

I am once again consumed by envy and hate. I see people who are mature, motivated, productive, confident and satisfied with life, and none of them seem like they were abused, none of them seem like they went through any big hardships, mental or material, instead, they look like they were supported by their family and friends, had their will and personality carefully nurtured, allowing them to become the person who they are now. I hate this so much. I hate that I was deprived of everything they got. I hate that I am a blank slate with nothing to call its own, guided by other people who wish to use me. I was made to be used, I was never seen as a human being, I can't call myself truly human. Nothing will ever offset or compensate for this.

Tetchy and exhausted. Having flashbacks to times Ive been attacked randomly. As in just standing in a bathroom and hit in the face by a big black guy that kind of thing. Ive stopped with drinking but even then its other times, just going about my business and people get angry and threaten me. Its like I have a demon which turns strange people into hosts. Im not a violent person but I suffer TMJ which I think is related to a jaw fracture I recieved. When I feel swelling in my jaw it reminds me and makes want to be. I havnt been attacked like that since then but if someone were to I need to be brutal. I despair that there are so many savages in this world, and one day one of them might kill you for no good reason at all.

>>29650 I know a few elderly but rich people and not only they're horribly educated but assume they're correct on the sole virtue that they're higher status, they also constantly approach issues with solutions that aren't possible to people who are poorer than them. >Just buy another car lol >Just hire someone lol >Just [do thing that costs a lot of money] And then they go about it like they were hard-working people when all they did was really just hold a cushy job that they got passed down via nepotism. don't know who said this quote but NEVER trust a word from someone richer than you. If they say they worked hard to get there they very likely didn't. The more they boast about working hard they less they did.

>>29621 Is this truly accelerated degradation or simply return to the mean of humanity? For much of history the average human hasn't cared at all about art or the finer things, they have lived meagre lives of subsistence sometimes punctuated by bawdy entertainment. Now that the barriers preventing the masses from creating content have vanished they will return to that.

>>29648 oh lain, you presume he has not had such desires, fulfilled them, and remained unhappy? do you really believe that, should you have your apartment and your project and your frugality and your wife, you would be happy? >>29646 >doesn't guarantee success so instead you remain on the path that guarantees failure? you seem to understand that being on the mountain you're on is not what you need, but not enough to overcome your fear and get off it. what is more terrifying than an unhappy life? >quality of life right now, would you describe your life as quality? you are so afraid of the bird flying away you don't realize it's already dead.

I just want a hug. Is that so unreasonable?

>>29662 You wouldn't want a hug if the hug came from someone who smelled of sewers.

>>29660 >oh lain, you presume he has not had such desires, fulfilled them, and remained unhappy? He said he already knows everything and did everything, and I would never ever have that problem. My studies and my project are a lifelong dedication, they will never be finished. >do you really believe that, should you have your apartment and your project and your frugality and your wife, you would be happy? maybe not. But I would have a purpose, and I would have solid ground upon which I could pursue it, and a wife to love and be loved by. I can't think of anything that sounds better than that. Perhaps what the rich guy should do, is decide what he wants to do with his life. Find some purpose beyond pleasure and the mindless accumulation of wealth.

Hi lain. I love this place so much, it's one of the best imageboards I ever visited. But recently, I've been trying to "expand my horizons" and maybe get to know some people from my city or at least country. And cos of the quarantine I've had this terrible idea to dive into my country's [u]internet culture[/u] a bit further. For some reason its cringeness, fakeness and stupidity (especially if comparing it to English culture and the culture of a big neighbor country) made me feel extremely angry and sad.

>>29668 Most of the internet has been thoroughly sterilised by corporations at this point, the fakeness and stupidity is common through any remotely mainstream social media. Sucks but if you want to venture out into mainstream sites thats just the kind of thing you have to deal with.

>>29648 You already know this, but you don't have to make six figures to live frugally with a lovely wife and spend your days working on cool projects... godspeed lainon, I hope it works out for you

>>29644 After a certain point, money and happiness become orthogonal things. True happiness comes from being honest and hardworking and dedicated to your ideals. This requires much more work than making six figures, but it is attainable, and I'm sure you can think of people in your life who have obtained it.

>>29655 I wasn't talking about rich people. I was talking about people who have the drive to create, the will to live and improve, a will of their own to guide them. There are all these small YouTubers who create hour-long video essays about things they are passionate about, hardworking artists dedicated to their craft, all sorts of nerds completely enthralled by this or that thing. I wish I had that in me.

How do I step getting fuarrrked by my emotions so much? This is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I feel like soykaf.

>>29662 Pretend that someone hugs you. Not saying you should go full tulpa but it makes me feel better. Not like i know what intimacy is anyways.

>>29676 Guess what enables people to have this fostering, positive environment around them.

>>29676 You're judging these people by the one thing that you've seen them make, and not the entire rest of their lives. How do you know they don't go through unmotivated or unproductive periods? I think the most beneficial thing to you would be to quit using your envy of other people to masturbate and focus on yourself.

>>29650 >they look like they were supported by their family and friends, had their will and personality carefully nurtured, allowing them to become the person who they are now. Exactly. You look into the story of someone who achieved their dreams, and 9 times out of 10 it's always the same thing: just what you described. But nobody ever looks at this, I guess because growing up around supportive people is the norm? So instead you hear "he got where he is now due to HARD WORK and DETERMINATION", "he's so talented", and other bullshit. You don't succeed through hard work. You do it through smart work, aka knowing who to talk to in order to get yourself into higher places. And talent means nothing without a support network to help you make the most of it. The difference between a "child prodigy!!1!" and one of those burnt-out gifted kids? First one had a support network, second didn't. I remember taking a few honors classes in high school, and I felt extremely out-of-place there. Everyone else seemed so much better off than I was. They were wealther, more social, and had a far easier time with the coursework than I did. I'm sure their parents raised them well. I wish more people knew that if you were abused in your youth, you've basically been robbed. Your self-confidence has been undermined, you don't know who to trust, and you wind up missing one essential experience after another, leaving you to wonder if you're even human by the time you're an adult. Oh sure, we might have CPS and the like, but they're useless. Hell, one of my abusers even managed to convince them that all those bruises on me were actually caused by my dad (who never laid a hand on me except to give me a hug) and not her. And they bought it.

>>29697 >So instead you hear "he got where he is now due to HARD WORK and DETERMINATION", "he's so talented", and other bullshit. You don't succeed through hard work. You do it through smart work, aka knowing who to talk to in order to get yourself into higher places. Talent and hard work and determination are also involved. In a lot of people it also involves obsession. I know it did for me. Of course, usually when people say "succeed" they mean "made a lot of money" or "became very powerful", in which case yes it is almost entirely about your connections and your pre-existing wealth. I know a lot of people who had very healthy childhoods, wealthier parents and more support, and spun out disastrously in college because they were away from their parents and the courses were significantly harder. A lot of times they get depressed when they realize they aren't one of the "smart kids" just because they were in "gifted" classes their whole life(this is my guess -- I was in "gifted" classes too but I was rebellious and thought they were pointless). They get addicted drugs or video games and engage in pointless hedonism while their depression festers. One guy I know, an immensely talented musician, damaged his brain with psychedelics and doesn't play nearly as good any more. I'm not trying to contradict you because you're absolutely right, everything is easier when you had a happy childhood and non-poor parents and can socialize normally. But it's not at all a free pass, it's just statistically better chances.

Irony is probably the most evil thing there is. I thought that being accepting of irony, even the cultured kind, was a sign of high intellect and civility in a society. It's not. It only indicates how materialistic a society is, how little it's willing to go to war over intangible things. Like all the memetic weapons, irony is a tool of the cowards. What do you use irony for? To cope with the horrors of life, to lighten them up and lie to yourself so you may not act upon them with the urgency they deserve? To spit on someone from the higher seat of wit without committing to a serious attack? Do you craft ironic absurdities that clash with the truth, as a distraction? Why do people even laugh for? There's a speech by John Cleese on irony where he says that you might be laughing about incredibly serious things and still take them seriously. But why? Why do we need to wrap serious things in a retarded polka dot dress? Why can't we just advance taking things extremely seriously all the time? We are getting to the point where irony has metastasized all human thought, and it's slowly creeping into all the nice intentions it fancied itself to carry the banner of. Everything that lends itself to this is a tool of evil.

>>29700 there are a lot of people out there obsessed with lying. sarcasm is just lying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHlmncILfMY

>turned 24 recently >still live with my parents >no drivers license >lost job recently due to bankruptcy by corona >franchise got revived by new owners offered me a new contract >denied it to get more time for myself and get some NEET bux >told myself I will be productive and start an online business >each day wake up browse the internet all day each day >mastrubate atleast once a day often more >ghosted all my friends >see my phone ringing sometimes, just let it ring till it automatically hangs up >no idea who's calling me, too anxious to even bother looking at it >sleep schedule completely fuarrrked >feel embarrassed when seeing my sister and her successful normal person boyfriend >lock myself in my room most of the time fuarrrk, man. I don't know how the days fly by so quick. Turned 24 on 16 July, parents weren't home only my sister and her boyfriend, locked myself in my room till 4 pm hoping they would leave and hoping my sister didn't know it was my birthday. Eventually went down anyway to make some coffee, sister start singing happy birthday her boyfriend saying congratulations even handing me a small present all normal person like. They ask me what I'm gonna do with my birthday, I say hang out with a friend this evening. Evening comes, I leave the house start just aimlessly riding on my bike in the city. Eventually go innawoods, try setting goals for myself scribbling in my notebook. Notebook is a few years old, see that I've attempted setting the same goals multiple times in the past. Around 4 hours have passed, feel safe to go back to make it seem like I had a healthy social interaction. Only thing I changed from the day that I turned 24 is stop habitually smoking weed. I don't like my reality, I keep craving escapism.

>>29704 Time has sped up. It's Biblical Prophecy. Mark 13:20 >“And except that the Lord had shortened those days, no flesh should be saved: but for the elect's sake, whom he hath chosen, he hath shortened the days.”

>>29700 >Why can't we just advance taking things extremely seriously all the time? because no matter how seriously you take things, most of them are outside of your control or understanding. We laugh at such things because the only other way to react to them is to ignore them or to sink into an inescapable pit of despair, neither of which are superior options in any way. >>29704 that is like kicking dead whales down the beach lain... you should talk to your friends again.

>>29662 I've found that hugging and caressing myself gives me at least a fraction of the satisfaction I get when other people do it. This summer on vacation I noticed how two girl friends asked eachother for hugs whenever they needed it, and thought it truly is regrettable that men are shamed for indulging in similar behaviours. We're brainwashed to believe there will always be someone out there for us, be it a partner, be it friends or family and furthermore they make us associate this support with physical affection when in reality most men get none, it comes as no surprise that many men feel alienated and become incels or mgtow nowadays.

>>29603 >25 >can't force myself to learn anything in my free time >each day is always the same >bought myself an arduino 3 months ago, still don't know the basic syntax >not happy about the place i live in, want to move. but also want to convince myself that i would have the same problems there as well and that this place isn't so bad... just can't convince myself >lonely without any friends (only few "buddies" at campus with who i don't talk outside of uni) >want to do soykaf (lift, fish, ride a bike, hike, camp, program, learn a bunch of things), but im unmotivated, and never actually accomplish something >im somewhat "smart" in the sense that i easily get good grades in school even without studying at home, but when it comes to logical thinking i fall far behind ("im smart enough to know im stupid, but to stupid to do anything about it" is what I always say to myself( >so fuarrrking anxious all the time when thinking about going to uni or a part time job, the only person im comfortable speaking to is my mother there is so much more, the list is probably all tangled up, because i never told this to anyone, so feel free to ask for more details. i know im a fuarrrking coward and a scared stupid bitch, i know. but i have no idea where to start improving. i also relate a lot to this >>29704 guy

>>29711 i feel like im the embodiment of the "big boy" and that has fuarrrked with my head so much that im in the same thought spiral that doesn't lead anywhere else then to reinforcing said thought spiral and i can't resolve anything, i always end up there. no matter what.

Just killed my fifth. It didn't go so good, needless to say. Initially, I had thought it wise to kill the dog before going in, sometime prior to avoid its wrath. Unfortunately the itch became much more prolific until I couldn't wait. I ran in, gripping a shovel I had brought along. You always need a shovel. The dogs head reported off of the shovel's, and they clanged into stillness and silence. It was at this moment I realized there was a second dog, and it was biting my leg. Searing pain blossomed, and I felt what might've been blood. Down and around with the shovel, another sickening clang and wet thud, together forever in the imagination. I considered turning in, but felt the need of commitment. I bolted for the door, unlocked. Good. I let myself in and went to the master bedroom. Clang! The man. Clang! The wife. To the children's rooms. Clang! Clang! Good. I went into the bedroom and posed the bodies, pleasured myself, and packed up. Just then, a car pulled into the driveway. Shit! Who?! A young man got out and sauntered to the door. I pulled out my box cutter, you never know when you'll need a box cutter. I waited in the empty room, behind the door. When the man entered, I cut his throat. From here, I went around and slit everybody else's throats. I enjoyed their company for a few wee hours, but then when the sun crested the horizon, I had to leave. On my way out, I got pulled over by a cop. This is bad, he now can place me near their home. Broken tail light. I need to be more careful. At home, I pleasured myself again to the photos I had taken. Next time, I need to be more careful.

>>29713 Cool story, bro. I think you went to a wrong thread, this is what you're looking for >>>r/12082

feel like soykaf. This quarantine bullshit is getting to me.

>>29715 Same. It's so stupid. Saw the other day that if you only count people under 70, then the flu has already killed more in the US than coronaroonie. Those over 70 had maybe a few months or years taken off their life expectancy and were on their way out anyway. This is all just a pathological moral panic. There's no sense in anything. People just freak the hell out and look at outrageously inflated CFR statistics, ignoring the fact that using that figure in the first place is already inherently deceptive. We're a society that consumes its young to preserve the old. I just wanna go sit in a bar and talk to people somewhere that isn't home or work. Is that so frivolous? Is that so demonically irresponsible in the face of this harmless, hyped-up cold? People need to face real danger in their lives again, they're just too soft and easily cowed.

honestly, i'm not the smartest person, i'm lost in life, i dropped out 2 months into Cyber Security because it was boring but still have a community college degree that's irrelevant. I don't even know if i want to go back to college, i'm in my early 20's but am so clueless, i can't even land a cleaning job at this point. How hard is it to get into web development/any coding job that's relatively 'easy' and doesn't need a degree. i know very basic html and CSS but that doesn't say much. i've quit searching for basic ass jobs because they just won't even respond to me.

It's dawned upon me that the reason why I've experienced so little in life, especially with social matters (friends, relationships, etc), is ultimately because I've had no one to guide me growing up. Like a dad. I had a dad, but the army was always deploying the guy so I rarely got a chance to talk to him. And going by the few times when I actually got to see him, I can tell that he would have made a difference. Because he tried to raise me, unlike my mom who thinks raising a kid just means keeping them alive. When I went to visit him in my childhood, he'd teach me things like math and guitar. In my teens, he was the sole reason I ever learned how to drive. It's good that he taught me these things, but I just can't help but wonder what kind of person I would have been if he had gotten the chance to be a true part of my life. He finally left the army once I became an adult, but by that time it was too late. Childhood and adolescence were over, I had already missed all the necessary experiences for becoming a healthy adult, and there's no second chance. I've considered trying to connect with him, but I wonder if it would do any good now. Especially with me being 28. Plus he's an autist like me (but not a self-hating one like I am), so he's grating to talk to anyhow. At least I had the sense not to go full-on hypermasculine, the way a lot of fatherless people do.

I just listened to what I'm sure was one of my family members having sex. Ever since this guy came in into the house its been nothing but fights after fights and miscommunications (and yes I take responsibility too), listen to me people, don't marry the wrong guy. Do not marry someone who is a bum and a liar, so not associate with them, they are and will throw you under the bus when it is necessary. God please, I beg you, please let me go back in time to fix my past PLEASE GOD PLEASE

>>29718 >inflated CFR They even try to make it scarier with tales of stroke, reduced lung capacity, nerve damage and brain damage, all among young people. >moral panic All it takes is one look at China's history of respect for human life to see this is just more of the same over-protective bullshit, but everyone goes along with it anyway.

I feel oddly stable.

I absolutely hate that I can't just choose what I'm interested in and steadily learn that activity/subject. The process of your brain deciding what's "fun" and what's "boring" is so arbitrary and has no concern with practicality that it makes me want to put a bullet through my head.

>>29704 >>ghosted all my friends >>see my phone ringing sometimes, just let it ring till it automatically hangs up jammit dude, I feel for you but also kinda admire being able to just stop being friends with somebody, wanna do that to people with whom I feel I have an unhealthy relationship but im a loser and m-muh social contacts

>>29784 I know, right? I absolutely hate this as well, it's causing me much pain and dissatisfaction with life. Any interest in something always slips through my fingers eventually.

>last summer of my degree, Aerospace Engineering. >applying everywhere and get rejected/ignored but by a stroke of luck I pass through with the local space agency >cool as fuarrrk >Corona happens >offer falls through >become desperate for an internship >end up at a aircraft maintenance company >spend a week doing nothing 7AM-4:30PM >second week I'm moved to the storage >spent the last few days doing menial fuarrrking work >moving boxes, sorting items, converting from USD to other currencies (by hand) >learning nothing >feel extremely tired/hot, difficulty breathing, sore throat, and constantly coughing >could be a reaction to all the dust/solvents at work, or the fuarrrking virus. It wasn't fuarrrking worth it either way, I should've thought this through fuarrrk. I just had the test done, hopefully it's nothing serious

>>29797 >>learning nothing >oversaw safe and orderly transfer of equipment >managed departmental finances >maintained expected performance despite high level of environmental stress Good luck, lain. Get yourself a mask!

I just realized that I act like a lab rat in Olds and Milner's experiment. I can browse the Internet, play video games and listen to music for hours on end without feeling exhaustion, hunger or even the need to go to the bathroom. However, when I pause, I immediately feel all those things: I become tired, my neck and back start to hurt, I want to eat and go sit on the porcelain throne all of a sudden. When I think about it, I've experienced this for as long as I can remember myself owning a computer with a stable Internet connection. I tried quitting video games and "indulging" in the Internet; while I fared just alright without the former (and, in fact, I've stopped compulsively playing video games altogether), I felt absolutely miserable without the latter. The boredom was horrible, I tried doing other things to distract myself from it, but nothing worked, I felt very fidgety, I wanted to watch videos, to listen to music, to chat with people. Who cares if it's repetitive? It feels so good, even when I'm completely numb from it all. This is actually extremely unsettling. I wonder if there's a way to go back.

>>29897 >I tried quitting video games and "indulging" in the Internet I've actually tried doing the opposite several times: spending less of my downtime on imageboards and youtube and the like, and spending more of it on video games, which really does feel to me like a more satisfying and fulfilling use of that time (of course, I'm talking about time dedicated to relaxing while taking a break from being productive. Not trying to imply that video games are more fulfilling than productivity). In the end though, I always come back to things like imageboards, which ostensibly require little to no time commitment, but I always end up spending a lot of time on them anyway. I don't know how to break out of this cycle.

>>29797 hope the best for you, lainon. humanity will beat the virus, but so will you!

>>29797 reapply everywhere

I am having a hard time over the last year, year and a half. This isn't an issue though, but the mentality that has grown over me in this short time. I am starting to see every interaction with another person, every conversation over the internet or IRL I am seeing as trying to dominate others. Everyone is trying to dominate each other for resources and social reputation (which will turn into resources). Every discussion, every interaction between people, every exchange of goods and services, every exchange of information is just another way of people trying to dominate each other and take things away from them. I have been seeing these cat videos to calm myself down and even then I see it in cats. The girl in the video says "oh you have to step by step introduce a new cat to other cats or they will get too violent" and "one way that cats show their dominance is by grooming each other" which in of itself is sort of good for social cohesion of cats but ultimately makes me anxious of any social interaction and how my kindness or good will might be interpreted or how I might interpret someone else trying to be good to me. I don't like the person I am becoming. Hell, even now as I am writting this I already sense what kind of responses I will get and it is driving me crazy. "Oh anon, it is all just stress that you feel because of your life, it will go away once you mellow down" no, fuarrrk you and fuarrrk everyone trying to control each other. This is the fuarrrking "we live in society" meme and it makes perfect fuarrrking sense. It isn't the "big corporation" or "da gubinment" or "the illerminaty" or any system of whatever, IT IS YOU fuarrrkERS every single one of you trying to control each other like fuarrrking animals always out for blood.

>>29909 What would you classify your post here as? Dominance, a plea? What other types of interactions are out there in your world's eye?

>>29909 >"hey man can I borrow your calculator" >"SToP TrYInG tO DomInaTE ME!"

>>29911 yea, exactly. fuarrrk you, should have brought your own calculator you worthless sack of soykaf. Maybe if I could suck up more resources and services from you than you do from me then I will borrow you my calculator. But then I will ask you for money 10 minutes later. I am ought to fuarrrking get mine, and so are you as your first thought is borrowing soykaf >>29910 Yea, and you? Motivated by pure "curiosity" or "desire to help"? Lol

>>29912

>>29911 >>29913 .... and not only your first thought of borrowing something but also mocking me, simple shows of trying to get your social status and resources up. It might be even an instinct and trained reflex to you but still nonetheless, even if you're unaware of it.

>>29914 ah yes, all the social status I'm getting on this anonymous imageboard. It's okay, we were all young dumb and full of Ayn Rand once too. You'll grow out of it, hopefully.

>>29914 How can an anonymous post, completely unconnected to the poster's identity, increase their social status? Exactly what resources is that post trying to gain?

>>29912 And asking to borrow a calculator is the exact opposite of social dominance. It's the admission of a mistake ("I forgot my calculator") and humbling oneself to admit that they require assistance because of that mistake.

>>29912 >Yea, and you? So do you have a deep hatred of yourself, because you aren't exempt from this thirst for dominance? Otherwise, I'm not sure what you're saying yes to. If you don't see yourself as another one trying to dominate, then what do you classify your actions and words under? I agree that most people are petty and will find ways to feel superior to you, though. Instead of looking for abstract domination, I just wait until I actually feel offended to take note. Or just become superior enough where you don't need others' resources. Or brazen enough to take everyone's resources in some abstract "power hierarchy" when you're really just leeching off of them. You can feel like you're winning or losing in this game if you analyze everything, but the reality is nothing matters more than your goals. It doesn't matter if someone feels smug for lending things to you if you are smugger about now using them, I think.

>>29917 >>29917 Empty platitude for sake of advancing your goals. Most people that have no shame asking to borrow something have no shame in being under someone for 2 seconds if it means that they will get what they want. And what if I don't give you my calculator? "What a jerk" and you get angry?

>>29923 >no shame I don't think most people would ask to borrow calculator without feeling at least a little shameful and embarrassed about the fact that they forgot theirs. >if it means that they will get what they want In pretty much any situation I can think of where someone would be asking to borrow a calculator, it's not because they want one. It's because they need one for some reason or another, to the point where they would ask for help fulfilling that need in spite of the shame. >what if I don't give you my calculator? >"Oh that's cool, sorry for bothering you" >try asking someone else

>>29909 That is because of the way the interaction goes. Most meaningful interaction would be in the form of an equal exchange of useful information and it works with even people you barely know about (e.g exchange of intel during the age of discovery). It's only valuable when both parties learn. A query from someone isn't that worth unless you offer something in return. I call this the Bartender effect. A bartender wouldn't give you info unless you know them or get a drink. Most people these days if you have a famous social interaction sites would have what is known as 'flex' that is because they feel the need to know that people around them are under them or they're just insecure about their status or it could be they're friends with people they hate and think it's cool because they read that success=revenge quote. People would brag about their achievements on their instagram account even if it's fake https://web.archive.org/web/20200625225604/https://ca.style.yahoo.com/instagram-users-intrude-private-property-170052819.html or they'd even go to an expensive restaurant and take pics of food that cost them their entire month's worth paycheck and fool people into thinking they can afford it everyday. They're all fools playing the fooling game. There's rarely any bartender effect these days, most social sites out there are either outright flex or useless meme posting. One example is reddit, where you can actually interact with people like it was IRC although a poster's value is usually measured by how "meme" worthy your post is to get a gold or whatever soykafty system they use. Even worthy posts are never given gold. People just want to be entertained more than learn/grow I guess. Control is another thing and I don't think it should go this far unless you subordinate yourself or submit to the "leader" of the status game or even participate into it. I think my mind have this firewall which just ignores things like those that I never though about only until I read your post. Hierarchy even. It doesn't help you learn to improve or help yourself and is wasteful and meaningless. Just avoid those very "social" people online or offline since this kind of behaviour even leaks irl.

>>29704 >>29711 Drop the "thinking man" view you have in life. Just start doing, stop thinking or planning. Thinking is a huge latency when you can just do what you want right now. Maybe write whatever it is that you want, and then forget about it but keep the note and just pave your way into those goals by thinking less and moving your hands. Manifest actually means "hands".

>>29942 >Just start doing, stop thinking or planning There are obviously caveats to this, but I think its good general advice. The thing that got me out of the excessive planning rut was confidence in my ability to handle things "on the fly" so to speak. It eventually became kind of a self image thing. I liked thinking of myself as someone who can just jump into something new and outperform others by thinking on my feet. There are definitely some personality traits that help with this: emotional stability, self confidence, the ability to not be overwhelmed by chaos, perceptiveness, lateral thinking skills, and so on... but they can all be learned through practice.

>grow up as a kid >love reading, very interested in art >school had no real facilities for art until highschool >took one class >was basically just a 'show up, draw whatever however, and you pass' >learned nothing except two point perspective, drawings still look like chris chan garbage >final year, time to choose a college >all the articles say you need to learn stem >have a passing interest in computers >advisor says majoring in english or art would be a bad idea for me >apply for computer science >get in >spend 4 years doing something i absolutely loathe >graduate >cant stand the idea of working in technology >deliver pizzas >brainfog has stolen all creativity i wish i had any fuarrrking opportunity to actually dabble in any interest. its not fair. i dont even know where to start i already tried loomis years ago and grinding slides. i just dont have the heart for anything anymore/ i dont understand why life has to be so hellish. i was interested in botanical drawings and animation but college took that away from me. at the end of the day my passiveness towards this is proof that i dont give enough of a soykaf about art or drawing to get anywhere. im just a lemon of a person. my theory is that in order for winners to exist there have to be complete retarded losers who cant get a handle on anything in life and unceremoniously pass

>>29951 I did the same thing as you. Got railroaded into a useless college, ended up in unskilled work til i lost my mind I'm now a professional artist for 2 years. Never been happier. You can do it anon just keep moving forward.

I've done some thinking, and it's probably safe to say I shouldn't love anyone. Not because I'm incapable of love (at least, I don't think I am), rather because it would be irresponsible. Loving me is a net negative. I'm just not mentally well enough for it, and I don't think I'll ever be. I'd just be a burden. People can compliment me or list every positive aspect that I have, but the truth is I'm filled to the brim with self-loathing. Sure I can put on a happy face and make you laugh or be fun to talk to, but no one in their right mind would willingly enter a relationship with a person who thinks about suicide daily. Even if I didn't have all that baggage, there's the more fundamental problem that I just don't understand other people, and I don't know how to be intimate with them without unconsciously hurting them. That makes me sad, but I guess it's my life and I should learn to live with it. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

>>29951 LOOOOOOOOOOOOMIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS yea welcome to the grind, what did you study in CS that you think you can use in real life? I know that there is a bunch of opportunity to make money as programmer, or just pull your degree so they can hire without even knowing that you know nothing. Everyone in my family is kind of artistically gifted but my dad told me there was no money in it so I gaved up. Been hell ever since then, just give up. economy won't support artists soon, plus most artist tend to be extremely poor when starting, without good connections you are done for.

say it's kinkshaming, whatever. i hate these little slime balls who have yellow fever over asian female streamers that can barely even speak or comprehend English.

>>29967 >say it's kinkshaming, whatever. Liking Asian girls isn't a "kink." Depending on the person, it's one of two things: -a simple preference for certain physical features, which there's nothing wrong with, or -a racial fetishization based on some misguided belief that Asian girls are somehow "superior" in some way. This one is bad and gross. I feel like most of the people you're talking about fit into the second category, so I'd tend to agree with you.

>>29967 >>29970 >superior in some way Petite. Submissive. Cares about their appearance. Cares more about the family than anything else. These are superior traits to some people.... So, I disagree with your statement. Superiority is an opinion, no? So, you can say "This species of human is preferred due to x, y, z" VS "This species of human is superior due to x, y, z" and honestly.. They are saying the same thing, there is just some weird assocation with the concept of "superior quality". That weird association being something racist or whatever you want to call it. So, here is my take and I would love for you to refute this as I could be totally off-base: you are suggesting that it is okay for people to be superficial / vain. However, it is not okay for people to care about the personality of the individual. If this is the case, I don't much care for vapid people. If that is not the case, I can't wait to change my opinion of the number 29970.

>>29971 youre making the assumption that the 'muh pure submissive' asian streamer is more virtuous than a white one my point is that MEN don't care about those points you said, they have yellow fever, simple as.

>>29971 >Petite. Submissive. Cares about their appearance. Cares more about the family than anything else. There are plenty of Asian girls who have none of these qualities, and plenty of non-Asian girls who have all of them. If you're attracted to a girl because she has those qualities, and she also happens to be Asian, then that's fine. If you're attracted to a girl because you're assuming she has those qualities based on the fact that she's Asian, then that's weird. >you are suggesting that it is okay for people to be superficial / vain. However, it is not okay for people to care about the personality of the individual. That's not what I'm suggesting. In fact, I think the personality of the individual is what people should care most about. But an individual's personality and their race aren't the same thing. What I'm suggesting is that it's bad to use someone's race to make assumptions about what their personality is like. As far as the "superficial/vain" part goes, it's natural to have preferences for certain physical traits (which I know you're no exception to, since you listed "petite" as a strong point of Asians), and there's nothing wrong with connecting that one to race, since race is primarily a set of physical traits.

>>29971 Are you unironically in the mindset that Asian camgirls have the personality of waifu anime characters because they're Asian?

>>29973 >>29974 im pretty sure that person has yellow fever.

>>29971 Women (and people in general) are not submissive by default, even if they say so. People become submissive when their partner is able to assert dominance, in negative or positive ways. With that said, if you have such stupid fetishes and prejudices, women will perceive your weakness and dominate you instead.

>>29962 there is no money in programming. i think id rather die than do loomis. how would being a poor artist be different from my current life >>29952 its too fuarrrking late

>>29977 >i think id rather die than do loomis. learn perspective first, perspective made easy is the go-to art is not about painfully grinding exercises, you just have to read and understand a few concepts

>>29979 god that sounds so impossible to me. i dont understand at all

>>29980 What is it that you don't understand? The core concepts are all really simple and practical, it's not mathematics. Most of it is just understanding that you are trying to represent 3D objects on a 2D plane, so you need to align yourself to a vanishing point to represent the depth dimension.

>>29977 There is no money or you are not looking for money?

>>29981 this is french to me

it seems like I only work under deadlines. As soon as I pass the checkpoint, I do nothing the rest of the time until the next one. I wonder how to get out of this cycle.

With how everything is now. I want to break away from it. I'm not a NEET, but I guess I would identify as a shut in. I hate going out in the world with everyone else. I plan to move to a rural area and learn skills to provide for myself as much as I can. Use this technology I am using now to help with it. People have become delusional. They fight for something but don't have enough information or direction to fight the right person. I have lost faith in the outside world. I am confined to the internet trying to find people to talk to. I have no friends. The world is a very different place than it was in the late 00's or early 2010's. For me, I cannot adapt. So I will adapt to something else. This might sound like a pipe dream or un-achievable. It might be, but I will try what I can.

>>29986 You should probably just read the book. If you don't understand it, watch it explained in a YouTube video. It just needs to "click". A lot of art is just about the a-ha moment when you understand a thing.

>>29991 (I am not saying that you will automatically become good at drawing because you need to draw a lot for that, but you can draw things you like with the concepts that you have learned)

>>29991 >>29992 i dont understand what you mean by read the book >>29983 there is no money

>>29988 >it seems like I only work under deadlines. >As soon as I pass the checkpoint, I do nothing the rest of the time until the next one. Humans generally, I guess. I do the same, if I don't enjoy the task I'm working on. >I wonder how to get out of this cycle. You could always start working right after you got a task, but this is painful. I always leave everything until the last moment.

>>29995 >i dont understand what you mean by read the book It's the book I mentioned, "Perspective Made Easy", by Ernst Norling is an introduction but you may as well look up basic perspective on YouTube until you find an explanation that clicks with you. If you want a detailed manual there's How to Draw by Scott Robertson which a lot of people find daunting but is actually rather clear on its own. That's what I learned with.

>>29999 all of that stuff seems really daunting to me

>>30000 It's all going to be OK lain It's just a book, it cannot eat you also you said you learned two point perspective in your first post? I am quite dumb, like I can't do high school maths, and I learned it.. you have a STEM degree, cmon

>>30001 >like I can't do high school maths, and I learned it.. you have a STEM degree, cmon I'm not the person you're responding to, but I feel like those two things don't have much to do with each other. Like, I've got a CS degree and I've always been naturally really good at math and programming, but my sense of spacial reasoning (which I feel like is pretty important for art) absolutely is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>30001 i cant do middle school math. degrees mean nothing. graduation does not mean learning. i dont know soykaf about computers or math. i was not able to work at a cash register because i couldnt do the math.. i was fired from being a waiter for being slow

I cant get over secretly wanting my life to continue being a piece of soykaf trainwreck, never get better, and in fact get even worse, just to spite all the assholes who believed in me. All the ego strokers who assumed i must be smart because im a nerdy guy who isnt attractive and is bad at talking to people and sports. I just want to prove to these asshole scumbags that there are people with no redeeming qualities that cant do anything. and for the past decade thats been true in my life. i cant do fuarrrking anything

>>30006 Are you sure your issue is not self-esteem? Maybe you feel like you're defeated before you even start. A lot about these simple jobs is becoming confident as quickly as possible. >>30007 Sometimes I have this feeling too, I was thought of as a gifted kid who should've taken a special path for instruction but people did horrible things to me over the years and I lost my enthusiasm and trust for others and myself. Now I'm a loser NEET, sometimes I feel good about having wasted any potential I might have had because I got no encouragement and only abuse all my life, so why the hell would I give anything back? If I could go back I would've tried to become one of those corporate climbers. That's what people deserve. And I would probably get more genuine love and encouragement back if I were a sociopath instead of who I am today. But of course it's all empty thoughts because I don't have that in me so this is the only coping mechanism I have. I just don't see why would anybody contribute to a species that sends love letters to murderers and allows innocent people to kill themselves alone without anybody but out of order helplines to talk to.

My parents never included me in things man, its so hard knowing that I had nothing better to do. I just wish I could go back to the past and fix my life, everyone ignores me.

>>30008 >self esteem no. I dont know. everythings overwhelming too me. i try to get through my days by thinking of myself as an NPC from a video game. im able to reconcile with my life when i do that. life just seems so much better when you roll over and just die. maybe i should just get plugged into a machine that delivers intravenous orgasms forever until i die

>>29989 Man i hear ya, i hope to be off the grid in 2021 and have my own hideout. Western civilization feels like a prison, well it is and certainly isnt going to get better. In 2k and 2010 things werent great either but in those 10 to 20 years things went downhill. Nowadays it seems we have all this technology but a almost completely zombified society. Technology was supposed help make life easier, the only thing it seems it did was create a fake reality where there seems to be nothing but problems and mainstream society tells you the only way live is in this narrow minded matrix mode where you just do what you are told. People are fine with this it seems, they just cant see any of this mess they are in all they do is distract themselfs in the cheapest most banal way possible. The thought that things can be different or even changed doesnt occur to them, they are content being herded and reduced to farm animals. Human beings just cannot be trusted, being self reliant and having the means to defend yourself from others is the only way to go. Its just not making progress, it didnt in the last 50 years and it sure as hell wont now, only thing you can do is get out of harms way and hope modern society doesnt trap you. I love technology but the way society uses it to control the individual rather than empower is makes it not trustworthy. Living out in the woods aint so hard or bad if you figure things out properly, it takes time and some mistakes are bound to be made but if you use your head its worth it.

>17 >live in a town where most people have no ambition. sick of playing vidya with the boys >high school filled with peers who go through life doing the motions >school doesnt give enough resources to succeed and break through this barrier >I do research over summer and found people who align with my desires for the future; really bright people. Most of them are trying to get into good colleges >Force myself to try my hardest to do college app. Met really good people as research assistant who went to good colleges, therefore i must get into one to get same experience. Also want to make parents proud so i can achieve that "im proud of u anon" which i never got since quitting baseball. >Distance myself from peers because "why does it matter lol. later losers i get into t20". no one to talk to anymore, but its ok last year. >Declining mental health but i can hold onto "muh future!!!" as a way to cope and deal through the stress. >College apps are all done, i feel empty. no more purpose, no one to share it with except for research friends that feel far away than before. >Dad gets jaundice, and then goes to many doctors and lab tests, the way he talks is very disheartening >Diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I try to keep my hopes up... always worked through all of my life, right?. >Go to the hospital many times and keep good humor and mentality. When he sleeps its almost as if he is death rattling; doctors say its hiccups to make us feel better. >Dies a month after he was diagnosed. At least he died knowing that i wanted to make him proud and make a name for myself. He always wanted a funeral in hawaii. time to go there and have closure so we can all move through our lives. >Covid hits and everything moves online. >Cant have a funeral because of covid. >Get college acceptance to only a decent local university. "wow i did it. i think he'd be proud right?" as i am viewing it in the morning in my dreary and empty room that i just lie in the whole day. >Feel like i wasted my last year with father for selfish reasons. >18 "wow finally legal loll". it is uncelebrated because of depressed family and no friends. >Fall into depression. Cant reach out to anyone because i distanced myself earlier when focusing for college bullshit. Therapy not as effective online, its hard for me to feel emotion when in an awkward zoom call that is timed for payment purposes. >College announced they moved fully online. Cant meet anyone new because of depression from dad's death and my inability to communicate well online. did i just waste my last year with father???? >3.4 GPA cap for cs major and taking more technicals than recommended, probably might suicide because of soykafty home environment. >Hard to wake up and help my mother who is still grieving because of no funeral. Feel horrible for being selfish once again. Its what got me into this mental rut in the first place. What is this deranged fever dream of irony. I havent felt happiness in forever and its harder to go through life. As time goes along i become more cynical and depressive; im "blackpilled" i guess. Seeing so many people content with their lives used to make me feel content as well, but now i feel like i am developing crab mentality. I try to meet new people online and i just feel disgust towards them and myself. It is very Hard to connect with old friends because ive changed so much; they still hold grudge after i lowkey pushed them away. I havent felt the touch of a human since my sister cried when father was passing. I need to pass time with sleeping now. I guess this is what happens if I try to do things my own way. Why is the world so cruel and how can people be so content living on this soykafty rock. Hope i dont pay for this soykaf with my life as i fall deeper into an endless spiral of depression.

>>30025 It could always be worse. If it brings you any solace, you will get used to it. You will get used to whatever life throws at you, really. Try not to sweat it; rumination is the worst thing you can allow to happen when you have depressive symptoms. Divert your attention to literally anything else; I recommend video games, they take no focus and cause little mental strain, but are engrossing nonetheless. It doesn't fix depression, mind you, but helps you cope by a lot.

>>30025 It is hard to imagine now, but I know you will find your way in life Lain. Keep pushing and don't forget to spend enough time taking care of yourself, too.

>>30023 I can't do it anymore. I tried to go out and find nature preserves where people don't go but they all became populated with loud obnoxious littering fiends that drive though and kill the small wildlife there to a point where it was depressing and overbearing to be there due to the people and the roadkill. Seems like after summer came around it's like this virus didn't exist. I really hope I can get out there and do what I need to do. Learn what I need to learn. What I am doing now isn't working and the only thing I can do now is learn the technological side of my plan.

>>30025 >>30026 >>30027 college is worthless

Very recently imageboards, or the internet at large now appears dead. It did seem so alive earlier, but now everything is dead. Even replying to posts, it's all dead. It really is a false world. It's funny to entertain you think you could convey yourself here. it's a pitiful existence compared to a shared fire

>>30048 Could it be you, not the imageboards? I've felt that way for several years now.

>>30026 I remember playing through fe:3h and some jrpgs after his death and during quarantine; i even got a vr headset to pass the time happily and forget everything that happened. Its just that now im either sick of it or i just feel like something is missing when i am playing vidya. I think that there is a lack of a fun social circle that i can have dumbass 3am discord calls with, combined with quarantine boredom. >>30027 For both of you, thanks for the thoughts it made me feel a lot better! I am probably going to go hard at studying, working out, etc in order to gtfo of this rut. Thanks yall. >>30041 After all of the bullshit and lost time that striving for a college led to, I realized that college and its benefits are quite meaningless in a grand scale of life. Its just that for many people, (including myself) they dont have the self discipline to actually learn genuinely with no direction, even if a self teaching style is more effective and valuable. College and the degree that follows offers them a "reward" at the end of their struggles which is a motivator. Sadly, many top places also offer most of their positions to college educated normals. However, i am trying to strive to get into academia which literally relies on college, but i see your point. When thinking about the efficacy of a college experience in one's whole life (not the decades proceeding), it really seems meaningless, and you are correct.

>>30059 I dont mean 'college is worthless' in a mean spirited sense. I just want to stop any lains here from making the same mistakes I did and the same mistakes I see all the time. there isnt really any such thing as a good degree anymore

>>30025 >>30059 >tfw always wanted to go into academia for linguistics or philology type thing >have a bachelors in CS, no jobs in that, wasted my time >covid happens, getting a masters/phd now would be all online IE: pointless >academia is flooded with people especially in non stem >academia is corrupt in general its just not fair. I don't really see any kind of path in life for me

Coming to a bit of a realization with myself. I spent so much of the past few years obsessed with this goal of becoming a successful indie dev that I forgot who I was in the process. I looked at devs who were actually successful and noticed that so many of them ultimately owe their success to being well-known among the fanbase of some other work, since they made their own fan-creations for that work and gained a lot of connections as a result. So I spent ridiculous amounts of time trying to find some fanbase I could start contributing to, hoping to get those sweet, sweet connections, only to find that there's not really anything I like that would fit that criteria. I even tried forcing myself to like a few things, which didn't help. It led me to think that I didn't have interest in anything at all. Why was I so obsessed with being a successful gamedev? Because I was a cookie-cutter former gifted kid. You know the type. Considered intelligent and talented in childhood, then turned out to be an autist, and from then on it just got worse (thanks in part to also having an abusive childhood), outside of the rare "dude you're really good for your age!" from adults and peers. Toward the end of high school I took a class on making games, and I wowed everyone in class to the point where I thought I was a teenage prodigy bound to make it big. I had a legit passion for programming back in those days, so all the praise drove me to bang out all kinds of projects (most of which were unfinished) to hone my skills. Whatever came to mind, I just made it. Then I got deeper into adulthood. Suddenly I started seeing all these talented people, coming out with their own projects and making it big. Many were younger than me. I looked into their lives and it was almost the same story: they were considered talented children like I was, but they had a healthy upbringing that nurtured their passions and talents, unlike mine. I felt robbed. But at the same time, I felt owed. I was "talented" like them, I thought, so I deserve to be successful too. That's when the obsessions started. I wanted to do just what the big guys did in the hopes of getting my foot in the door. One guy built his initial fame by making music? Better dust off my DAW and start relearning how to compose. Another guy was making fangames? Better find a good fanbase to make my own games for. Etc, etc. No matter what I tried, though, I noticed that I lacked passion. Since I couldn't force this passion in myself, I felt worthless. But the reality was that I forgot what my real interests and passions were. Earlier today, I was digging through those old projects I made in my late teens, and that's when I started to remember. Even if I might be "bright" or "gifted" or whatever, it doesn't mean I have to be like all the big famous guys (who honestly just lucked out). I can be me. And who knows? Maybe by being me, I'll wind up somewhere nice anyway.

>>30062 the coercion of the new generation to get a degree causes this. stupid ass office work needs some phony degree to even get in. only stem-soykaf is worthwhile, but there is so much that is needed (masters degree, personal side projects, research) to even "make it". I still see so many cast aside trade school as a meme, but i know so many people who are satisfied with their job, but i also see so many who hate the back breaking work... >>30063 i only find college to be a way to make connections and learn the bare basics as you are mercilessly thrown out into the real world after four years. A CS bachelors doesnt really mean soykaf unless you grind for leetcode questions for interviews which arent even used in the real job. I hate the thought of even being tested for how well i do under pressure, it doesnt really translate to a skill in a job. I (op) have no clue about all the intricacies regarding academia, but in my ~1 year experience trying to get my name on some soykafty biology paper that i originally researched on my own, it was painful but quelled because my PI was a lot better than what i saw peers deal with; i only forsee happiness in academia to do my own work in my own lab group, or to even try teaching as a prof. . Sadly, politics and corruption will stand in the way of finding the end goals anywhere in life, especially in academia. If you have the motivation and ideas try doing self research or a self project regarding your aspirations while you wait for this covid stuff to subside... (kind of generic but i dont have the experience to recommend anything else that is meaningful) i guess many of us who just graduated from our schools are trying to transition in the worst possible environment, hope it turns out well for all of us

>>30063 the trick: academia is a set of people, not an institution. You can cold email professors to ask for guidance, make sure you get the right kind though. Look through their webpage first, if they have one. If you are really passionate and willing to work hard, they will jump at the chance, because most of their students are not so proactive. Also try to keep in touch with people interested in the same things. The important thing is to stay active. I personally don't regret college. I was directionless before and now I feel like I have a real purpose in life, I know a lot more, and I made some friends. It would have been a waste if it forced me into debt, but it didn't. I intend to continue. It is a lot easier to learn and do research when it is expected of you, rather than being a "waste" of time that could be better spent acquiring money. And I like the academic community (when they're not stabbing each other in the back for publications). If you're at college because you want to get a nice white collar job, then yeah it's a scam. You will be trapped in lifetime debt, you will learn barely any relevant job skills, and the entire stack of cards that was promising you a good job at the end of the line is collapsing. Don't bother. If you really want to learn knowledge for its own sake: 1) you will be the minority at pretty much any school, even the very prestigious ones. The university system isn't really designed for your use case. 2) you will need a lot of mental fortitude, it's really hard 3) recognize early on that you will almost certainly not get a tenure-track job unless you have the combination of amazing social skills, a genius mind, and the willingness to step on others to advance your career. I have none of those things so I guess I'll just live a pauper, that doesn't concern me much any more.

>>30066 >>30071 I don't really know who to contact or what resources I can use to teach myself. Aside from what I learned in my math courses I know basically nothing about linguistics and even less about philology. People always say professors would love to talk to someone like me but honestly most professors seem to just want people cold calling them to fuarrrk off

>>30073 For me it was a case of writing a paper and hoping someone could give me some advice. Just for the hell of it I contacted a Stanford professor and he replied almost immediately that he'd like to read it. I still need to chase him up on that since it's been a month. I think it depends on the field and the person. If you can find their twitter or website you'll be able to work out if they like discussing what they do. Not knowing much about the field probably doesn't help, but in all likelihood there's at least one professor that will talk to you about it. As for self teaching, Google Scholar and SSRN are your friends. There's plenty of articles on there that you can read for free. You can also use sci-hub if they aren't on there I more or less wrote my paper using those.

>>30071 >You can cold email professors to ask for guidance I can corroborate this. Its not like job hunting where cold calls are often seen as rude impositions. If you read a paper and don't understand something you can just shoot the guy who wrote it an email and he'll probably be happy to talk about it with you. Remember this is something he's dedicated his life to studying; imagine yourself in his place. You'd be pretty hyped to get an email saying "I like this thing you wrote could you explain this detail to me" right? You just have to be polite and respectful of his time.

>>30078 I should add that the main thing to avoid is giving the impression that you're trying to use them to advance your career. Academics tend to dislike the business culture of stilted cover letter emails and such. Make it about the work itself not about their job or position or your own career aspirations. "I was reading through the linguistics lecture notes you posted on your website and I was hoping you could point me toward some resources to learn more about proto-indoeuropean etymology" (...or whatever, idk soykaf about linguistics) is a better ice breaker than "here are all of my qualifications, can you help me get into grad school for linguistics?".

>>30074 >>30079 i just dont understand how to find that stuff or any educational material

>>30073 >what resources I can use to teach myself You could try a book. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linguistics#Bibliography

>>30064 It's good that you stopped making unhealthy comparisons.

>>30025 Congratulations on your acceptance! Don't worry about your college's name recognition. After a certain point, the undergraduate program is the same quality no matter where you go. College rankings are about research. Try to make the most of your time. If you really care about name recognition, there's always graduate school. Don't feel guilty about not wanting to deal with your mother. You're going through a major life change and grieving too. It's unreasonable for you to take care of your family without feeling stressed or exasperated. Please don't kill yourself.

>>30088 gosh i feel like an alien right now. i just dont get it. i dont get how you learn. people say the internet removes barriers. to me it adds them

>>30092 You just have to sit down and read, there isn't much else to it. Find the material you want and read it. If you think a source you find while reading would be useful, read it. It helps to take notes as you read as well. What I like to do is have a document open in one window and the reading material in the other, adding to the document as I go. Some universities offer free online classes. Linguistics may or may not be offered, but it's worth looking into.

>>30092 turn off the networking on your PC, turn off your phone, read.

>>30090 Thanks for the words, I know that undergrad college experience is quite equal, in terms of clout, at most universities. Working towards some big name uni was successful since i still attained a top acceptance, but i know that I will never get the last year of my father back. At the time i thought that it was worth to put everything I had (friends, sanity, family) in order to get out of my soykaf town, and I learned that it was absolutely wrong after all this; there is more to life than studying and reaching for the top. I do know that life will improve and i have come to terms with my circumstances. Thank you for your kind words lain .

>>30095 this isnt my problem >>30094 i dont understand how to find things and the process your described already sounds overwhelming

I've spent a lot of time with internet friends recently, but I'm not sure why they would spend hours alone with me. That seems like a horrible use of their time. I convinced myself that the reason I'm a friendless loser is because of some huge flaws I must have, but I can't be that bad if people spend their evenings talking to a stranger for a few hours. I feel a weird mix of emotions that I don't really understand.

last night I dreamed about getting a job at CVS, falling in love with one of my coworkers there, and holding her tight. When I woke up I was flush with endorphins but I had no-one and it made me cry.

>>30103 it's hard to grapple with the fact that anyone you do talk to on the internet will have a same mixture of self-esteem and worth issues that you can't escape from. Like salt water.

No passions, no motivation, no purpose. I feel so hollow at moments like this, when the facade falls through. All the self-improvement is for naught when the foundation does not exist.

>>30106 i felt better when i quit drugs and alkohole i would recommend the same action

>>30100 >i dont understand how to find things and the process your described already sounds overwhelming There is nothing to understand about the process. If you want to understand linguistics, go find books about linguistics and read them. It's that easy. >this isnt my problem It sure seems like it.

hey guys, op here from the /hum/ thread about that girl he was talking to leaving him because of his best friend i found out saturday night that they were indeed talking and it hurts. she promised that she wouldnt mess with anyone else in our group. it doesnt even hurt because she was a romantic interest, it hurts because she lied and was my friend. she also proceeded to deny that she ever had feelings for me, which is crazy because she was flirting with me when i told her "i dont like you like that". i guess shes just in denial. it hurts seeing them both change their discord profiles to the same thing, always hanging out, and now it feels like i cant ever enter the discord vc with my friends to play games when she's there. it hurts that my friend (who is frankly an asshole and doesnt deserve soykaf) gets what i dreamed of months ago.

>>30110 >it hurts that my friend (who is frankly an asshole and doesnt deserve soykaf) gets what i dreamed of months ago. he's not your friend

I'm too tired trying to help and fix everyone and in the end of the day, I help no one. Humans are really monkeys doing monkey stuff, caring about social soykaf, making artificial enemies and not being able to think outside of their little stupid box. I'm suffering because I can't help anyone and I can't save myself. I waste my lifetime on having monkey feelings about monkey problems, which takes my all motivation and keeps me away from actually helping myself and helping others. I just want to stop people from making each other suffer. I wish I could reject humanity to actually get soykaf done.

i really really hate being alone, but like the feeling of loneliness, i like bathing in my loneliness but i hate it a lot on the other hand, it's a double edged sword, very unhealthy, anyone else can relate?

>>30113 exact opposite my dude, I love being alone but hate loneliness. It's nonsensical but it's true.

>>30114 fuarrrk, yeah you're right - i meant i like being alone but hate the feeling of loneliness

>>30113 >>30114 >>30115 I don't think it's particularly nonsensical. If you think of socializing like exercising, then solitude is like relaxation and loneliness is like being out of shape. It's a good analogy, too. Like exercise, socializing is difficult, tiring, can often feel impossible to convince yourself to do, and can cause you to get hurt. In the long run though, it's something that's necessary to be a healthy person.

>>30116 what a nice post, i totally agree with you, thanks lainanon. and yes it sure feels like exercise, but exercise feels way easier because you can just get into autopilot and do your regular routine while talking with people makes you think critically - while it of course as you said is like exercise so you're supposed to build up the skill and endurance.

I hate a crisis after watching pr0n and doing what else. I dont like it anymore and I felt like an idiot the last time I did it. Its hard to describe, but it makes me realize and think about all the people in successful relationships and how they are fulfilling their emotional desires. Also I realize how fake it all is how I am watching something so unreal and its taking advantage of my time and primal feelings. I always felt like pr0n mocked the individuals that watched it. But I don't know maybe that its just me. All I know is that I feel uncomfortable now and it makes me depressed thinking about it. Hopefully Im not the only one. Its kind of like a prolonged post nut clarity.

>>30008 I know what you mean, Ive had this same thought. Everytime I think about or someone tells something along the lines of "brooo do it cuz money" and it completely disregards other people I feel like I am contributing to the destruction our planet. Like if I worked at google or one of the big FANG companies I would be thinking selfishly and giving into the destruction of our species and planet. I am in college and am getting a CS degree so thats where I am at.

>>30129 i get what you mean, i had a crisis like that awhile ago; jerking off isn't something i did daily but i had the realization that i was looking at degenerate soykaf because it was easier than realizing that i want something real and intimate with another person and am too scared to go for it. i haven't looked at anything since, i feel too pathetic.

>>30108 you're right i guess i dont care . i was just desperate to have a hobby. i hope one day illcare about something.

>>30129 >>30134 Porn is just a tool to help you get off. Unless your married (and even if you are) there's not always going to be someone else there to jerk you off. It's self-care. If you think that watching porn is reducing your desire to go out and meet real women then think, did you just want to meet them for sex in the first place?

>>30139 Porn actually breaks people, if it's a tool then it's a good tool to manipulate people. Such movements as nofap initially started to fight against porn, it's only lately it fell down as a movement of schizos who think not touching their benin will give them superpowers. >If you think that watching porn is reducing your desire to go out and meet real women then think, did you just want to meet them for sex in the first place? Porn affects your brain on a much deeper level than just "helping you to get off", it works on your primordial feelings, it gives you the feeling of being successful, of having many genetic opportunities seeing so many women around you. It makes you form bounds with your computer screen, it breaks your dopamine reward circuit, it breaks your understanding of reality. It may not break it directly, it may just give you cognitive dissonance, or give you the feeling of something being wrong like it was described in the post above. It's not the same for all people, but there are enough people who feel the same and enough researches that describe how it works, and it works exactly the way it dumbs people down and makes them passive, lowers their self-esteem and gives them that feel of "brain fog". And if you look onto it, most people were addicted to porn while being kids, teenagers, knowing nothing about it, and now that they are adults they just can't leave it for good. Healthy adults have mature brains and exposure to porn never affects them so strong as the brain that is yet to develop, and their brains were affected by porn all the time in the process. The cure is simple enough, thankfully, give yourself 90 days of rest and you will start to normalize. However, counting the fact that provocative images are posted on every corner on the Internet people would have to be taught how to resist porn, and since porn in the society is absolutely normal and is being approved and pushed down by people themselves, being such profitable and effective as it is. I doubt this is going to happen. All while "porn addiction" is an officially existing disease. What a world we live in.

>>30129 >I always felt like pr0n mocked the individuals that watched it. It's literal cuc*oldry. You're getting off from watching other people have sex. Every one of these hookers makes more money off of sucking a piece of plastic for 5 minutes than you do with 12 hours of hard work. Sometimes they also come out to say they're hard workers themselves. Of course it's mocking you. Watching porn is s the most humiliating thing a man can do. I'd rather deal with the aftermath of passing out drunk on the floor in my own vomit, there's far more dignity in that (I've been through it) than any single time I stoop to watching porn. >>30139 Why do you need it to get off? People jerked off to their imagination or memories just fine for a long time, before porn was so stupidly widespread. Every time I watch this crap I just think of my exes and how I should get a partner again. I hate every single moment of it, I hate the slutty women in it, I hate the sites, I hate how it gets more and more fuarrrked up every year. I watch porn a couple times a week and I'd still call myself an addict because I hate it every single time.

I guess this would be a better place than any to let this out. To make it short and sweet I have pedophilic urges. This has caused me and still causes me anguish almost everyday now. I have acted on these desires in disgusting ways, however I've never crossed the line to harming anyone irl, and I hope to keep it that way, but I've crossed a major line already and I don't want to cross anymore. I'm in contact with a therapist though treatment is kind of slow and with everything going on it is difficult to see them in person and even if I could I don't know if it's possible to rid me of this sickness. I think suicide is the best option, however when I consider that I think about how it will destroy my brother. I don't want to hurt him like that but maybe my other fate would hurt worse. I don't know whether I should live or die

>>30151 when in doubt, survive

>>30149 >>30149 Porn can be an addiction. I can be the one to raise my hand and say I am addicted to it. So when someone says they NEED porn to get off they're really saying that they are addicted to it. I have been the person that has folders of porn and categorize my hentai pictures. I don't do it so much anymore. I have a gf but I still watch porn multiple times a week. My belief is that it is addictive because it satisfies the urges of men to get off and have sex because no one is throwing pussy in our faces everyday. Men are visual when it comes to sex as women would rather read or have it described to them. If you hate porn I would say that is a good thing. Porn is a waste of time. But for me I have the lack of self control to rid myself of it.

>>30163 >Men are visual when it comes to sex as women would rather read or have it described to them. I've seen people say that a lot, but it's certainly not an absolute. I'm a man, and I've always fit pretty firmly into the second category. I get off a lot to smutty stories and manga, and eroge VNs that have a romance story attached to the porn, but just looking at pornographic imagery does nothing for me unless I try to make up a story behind it.

>>30107 I don't drink alcohol, nor do I take any drugs. I do drink coffee, but I'm not dependent on it - I've stopped it before and it didn't change anything significant. I don't feel like this is an issue that can be fixed with good health.

>>30148 >>30149 >>30163 >Men are visual when it comes to sex as women would rather read or have it described to them. man who vastly prefers written erotic fiction to pornographic videos here(I've even wrote some myself). It's far better in every way, you can get not only the satisfaction of a nut but also the satisfaction of reading a good story. I'll often cum and continue to read because I want to see what happens next. Plus you end up using your imagination a lot more, it's better for the mind.

>>30167 I agree it is better for the mind. Naturally though a man would want to look at a woman performing sexual activities rather than read about them and their sexual activities. But I do understand the benefits of reading erotica or just reading in general. Switching to erotica would take some time unless the individual already enjoyed reading in the first place then it wouldn't be as hard for them.

>>30168 >Naturally though a man would want to look at a woman performing sexual activities rather than read about them and their sexual activities What's natural varies from person to person. Again, I (same poster as >>30165) am a man and I've had the opposite experience from what you're saying. And it's not because of any conscious effort or reasoning either. Smutty fiction just naturally turns me on a hell of a lot more than pornographic imagery.

>>29603 I’m not really used to existing in the real world and I have to for the first time in my life. I’ve held down jobs and maintained myself to some degree, obviously, but having to live as the person I am outside of the wired is getting to be a challenge. I’m terrified of the real world, and doubly so without drugs. I don’t know who I am anymore. The person I Amon the outside isn’t the person I am in the wired and it’s so hard to become the person I am in the wired.

>>30167 >>30168 There's definitely exceptions in both genders and both camps of porn. But women are actually way more willing to get into visual porn than most people think. It's just that it's pretty hard to find videos that aren't really tailor-made for men. Women don't actually love seeing giant monster dongs slapping in and out of brutalized buttholes all day, with ultra-close-up shots on genitals with faces rarely featured at all. And no real role-play or scenario or fantasy outside of straight-up physical actions, penetrations, and organs. If there's any sort of set-up or plot, it's usually something gross about stepsiblings that is really just SEO more than plotline. Just stuffing the video titles with keywords. It's instantly discarded and the video has nothing to do with it, just a few minutes of cropped-in cheek clapping. Dudes love that stuff, both straight and gay. Like seriously it's amazing how much straight men seem to love GIANT dicks and anal. I know a few girls who really like watching visual porn, but it takes them forever to find stuff that is interesting to them at all. And they obsessively follow and collect it when they find a precious cache of it. Most of all, the straight girls into porn I've met in my life seem to like solo male masturbation that actually features a face plus breathing/vocals. Not these weird super-close cropped-in massive dick jackoff videos that both straight and gay men mysteriously seem to love. It's so bizarre.

>>30111 its funny because the day i found out was the day i got home from a big vacation he took me on. he's an asshole and has crazy mental problems (which makes me surprised she is going for him) but he's ok. plus, its not like i can just exile them both from our friend group.

>>30171 Well, being proven wrong is a way to learn. If reading it is natural to you than it must be natural to other men out there. >>30179 I do know a female that likes porn videos but she doesn't touch herself to it. I guess with there being men that like reading erotica there are women that like visual porn.

>>30179 >Like seriously it's amazing how much straight men seem to love GIANT dicks and anal. hunch: it's self-insert. They like imagining that they have a humongous cock. (I know I do) as for anal idk it honestly seems kind of gross to me

I work at a call center for a rather large community college and its driving me crazy. The pay is nice and the call super sparse compared to most tech-support jobs. Holy hell, sometimes I cant tell if its the system that is soykaf or the people genuinely stupid. Sometimes we get calls from parents who are pissed off (and speak for their 15+ year old kid. Like, who the hell in their right mind speaks for their almost grown offsring. I thought I was sheltered), people who cant seem to figure out how to use a computer, sometimes, our site just doesnt work or only works for xyz browser at xyz time and its a royal pain the ass. Our phone number is literally plastered everywhere around the campus site if people need help but we dont solve general things. If anything we still specialize in certain areas but if we dont know something we relay the phone number to another department (their number should be on these error messages not ours). I just had a bad day and my patientce is really starting to fall. It also dosent help that professors are the most anal people ever and are even more irresponsible then their students. Job is nice though I get paid roughly 14/hr but this is really starting to get on my nerves. Things update everything breaks now we have calls back to back about the same damn issue because another service decided to not communicate this in advance.

I just feel so much better having a waifu. I doubted people for years, but now i understand.

>>30231 tell us more. how does it help?

>>30238 I am in a much more positive and healthy mindset. No longer do i agonize and get depressed over my absence of romance and intimacy and i can instead experience it. Its not perfect, but its an improvement.

>>30252 um ya. except that isn't a relationship. you're just projecting your values and desires onto a picture... that is going to be very negative on your emotional state as your advances/intimacy/affection won't be returned.

>>30252 Holy Shit! Is that your wifu? Stolen.

>>30256 Don't you think any connection is better than no connection?

>>30252 You must watch the same anime over and over and over and cry each time its over.

>>30220 im full grown man and still have people speak for me id kill to have your job

I am 29 and just now finding some "success" in my life. I always knew I had it in me, but I was just so content wasting my life. Maybe even happy, I'm not sure. I'm a psychopath so my emotions have always been dulled and numb. My parents were in their late 30's when I was born, so after graduation I decided living at home would be optimal. Much better to save up for 20 or 30 years and then just inherit the house. So I worked night shift at Waffle House for 7 years. I liked it because I read novels or watch anime on my phone for 5 or 6 hours of my 10 hour shifts. It was a slow store, so I was pretty much paid just to show up. As a psychopath, I could pretend to be funny and friendly enough to earn pretty good tips from the few customers we did get. My schedule was Monday through Wednesday. I had a four-day weekend for 7 years. I didn't save anything up though. The $250 or so I made a week I spent Magic Cards, D&D books and dice, video games & DLC, and my friends and I would eat at restaurants pretty much every Friday and Saturday. I only had to pay for my gas, insurance, and phone. I spent the rest on materials and fleeting pleasures. Eventually my parents pressured me to find better work. Honestly I was definitely getting bored of food service. So I quit in fall of 2018, worked a Holiday seasonal position for UPS, then used my experience from there to get hired on with Home Depot in February 2019. Good pay, great benefits, awesome schedule mon-fri 5pm-1am. Unloading trucks and lifting tons of boxes got me the exercise I had very much needed. So I started to get into shape and build some muscle even. My savings started increasing. I thought things were looking up. Then, October 18, 2019, my best friend of over a decade committed suicide. We met during 11th grade and really clicked. The first thing he ever said to me, out of the blue, was "If you wanted to destroy the world, how would you do it?" And I had often thought about such fantasies so I answered easily, "I would detonate nuclear weapons in the lower atmosphere for the EMP effect, and then just sit back and watch humanity tear itself apart." We enjoyed the same anime and video games, and we became interested in each others' nerdy hobbies. The rest is history, as they say. He never reached out for help. At least, not directly. There may have been signs but, my psychopathy probably prevented me from picking up on them. Still, this was enough to evoke an actual emotional response from me. I cried so much the next two weeks. Probably more than I had cried the entire 12 years I'd known him. I was emotionally devastated for the first time. January 10, 2020. My mother had been in the hospital for 9 days. She was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. Never abusive towards me, just the kind of person who is so weak they needed that kind of crutch to get through the day. I won't go into detail, but she died of numerous complications. Again, I was pretty upset but... I was still kind of emotionally drained from my friends untimely death. I think I only cried once for her. I did like her, but I've never been able to feel genuine love for anybody. Still, I am at least grateful to my parents for raising me. I'd gotten a decent sum of money from my mother's life insurance, about 12K, on top of my savings I had just over 20k. Then Covid happens. I didn't lose my job, my company has actually been paying handsome hazard bonuses. While everyone was panicking, what did the psychopath do? I had always had an interest in the stock market and Crypto, and the market crash put that all within reach for me. At the end of march I picked up 2 BTC for 4,400 each, then bought 11k worth of stocks. I spent my stimulus on stocks too, and my bonuses. Now I'm sitting on a nearly 6 figure portfolio, with some BTC and ETH to hedge against the odds of the dollar collapsing. What a fuarrrking joke my life has turned out to be. 10 months ago I barely had 5k to my name and I was spending my weekends playing D&D... then my best friend kills himself. My mom passed away. The world is grinding to a halt and the streets are descending into madness because of radical politics... but this was the year "I made it." I just want to play video games with my friend again.

>>30327 You're just schizotypal. Psychopaths always steal and or leech the society or even destroy society itself without any hesitation. You've contributed to the society with honest work and seem to care to others, a psycho would just abandon or end their mum if it gets in their way and actually see people in general only for their personal gain. The only thing you lacked was connections with people to be more social.

>>30327 >genuine love Being chosen is.

>>30327 Cute story, but nobody is going to mistake it for reality. You're just a loser trying to sound big.

>>30338 psychopathy doesn't necessarily come with any ill will or narcissism. Narcissism can also be devious, many narcissists think of themselves as *especially* worthless and *especially* oppressed. >>30327 feels bad, man

>>30327 I too think that this year is one where I felt the desire to rewind to what used to make me happy. Its essentially just a short term amount of extreme nostalgia for the "good old times". Recently, I've made leaps and bounds in my personal projects and understanding of my desired subject matter to such a larger extent, but with a family death similar to yours, the lack of friends, and quarantine, I just want to sit down with the boys and my ex to play some soykafty grindfest mmo from a few years back. I just want to forget all of the personal/world issues that sink in every day I wake up. But that will never happen again, what is the point... But aside from ramblings that relate to yours, you definitely aren't a textbook psychopath (idk if you are diagnosed). You were definitely attached to a flow of happiness and you found solace in a non-complicated life. You might emotionally resonate with something drifted from the norm. Do what you feel like, but the post reeked of constant remark towards that of psychopathy... Use some of the new stockbux to get a therapist so you can find out some form of the truth? Also, your beefy portfolio could come crashing down at any moment, read some books on general portfolio management and make sure to focus on seeing that money number tick up day after day. Maybe it could be an absolutely abhorrent replacement for your previous social connections with others. Its a way to cope i guess....

>>30326 Poster here. Ye Ig, I kinda just posted that at the heat of the moment

>>30362 >you definitely aren't a textbook psychopath I suppose not, as >>30338 pointed out, it's probably a type of schizoid disorder. >Use some of the new stockbux to get a therapist so you can find out some form of the truth? This is probably a good idea, but I absolutely don't want to end up on any medication. I hadn't considered this before because yeah, it would have been financially burdensome. Screw it, I'll start making the arrangements to try it out. >Also, your beefy portfolio could come crashing down at any moment, read some books on general portfolio management and make sure to focus on seeing that money number tick up day after day. Maybe it could be an absolutely abhorrent replacement for your previous social connections with others. Its a way to cope i guess.... I had been watching investment videos and reading economic articles for years. It was a passing interest that I found fascinating. It wasn't about the end result of building wealth, it was the mechanisms and the process that intrigued me. So you're right, this all happened during a period of my life where I needed an outlet to cope with my disheveled emotions. To me, what I'm doing is no different than running up a high score on a video game. There's nothing I want to buy anymore. I don't care if the economy or the dollar itself crashes. I would just move on to the next game to beat, which I guess would be called 'surviving economic/societal collapse'. Sounds fun.

I turned 18 recently and the realisation that I will never be as young as I was before, that I will never experience high school again has really hit me hard. I felt like I would be a teenager for alot longer than I thought. Strange, going from 17 to 18 feels like a much larger jump in age than 14 to 15, even though it's exactly the same amount of time. Being stuck indoors aswell has been terrible for my mental health. As time has gone on, my depression has been getting more and more intense. I've been thinking about my own mortality, and death in general. I don't want to think about it, i've been trying not to, but I just can't stop. The thought that one day, whether I like it or not, I will die, I will never experience life again, I will never experience anything again, is terrifying. I remember when I was 15, I had the same thoughts about death that I have now, they eventually went away and I felt more at peace with my own mortality, but it seems the lack of interaction that I have had recently has brought it out again. I don't want to spend my limited youth thinking about death. I've been trying to focus on other things like art and reading to try to drown out the persistant emptiness I feel. It's not like my life is terrible, I have friends, i'm doing well in school, and a nice family, it could be alot worse for me, and I should be greatful for it. Although I wish I had someone in real life that im comfortable telling all this to.

>>30369 I know what you mean, as I went through a similar period in my life at that age. Mortality can be very a hard thing to get over especially your young and have alot you want to acheive. Do you regret something? If so what? Your choices now should be the important one and not dwell on your past. Its great that you are picking up those hobbies as well as it will help you grow and reflect on life from different veiws (as it is very important for you to do). Death is strange isnt it tho? Is there anything you want to accomplish?

>>30369 I know that feel lain, at least about death. For me, it's more about the fact that you get forgotten, which saddens me. I could go days on why death scares me, but I don't want to give myself anxiety over it right now, so I'll keep it at that.

>>30373 >Do you regret something? If so what? I don't have many. Although, my biggest regret is how I have treated others. I haven't bullied anyone, spread rumours, or talked behind anyone's back or anything. I feel like I take people for granted. I've always sort of disregarded my sibling, being rude and petty towards them, because after all they'll always be there right? It's sad because I've spent my whole life with them, and I really don't know much about them, and it's hard to form a connection with them. I only have one of them in the world, so I've been trying to get a little closer to them recently. >Is there anything you want to accomplish? I want to get better and better at art, and have it be something that I work on for the rest of my life. I also want to read a lot of books about my interests, history, philosophy, culture etc, as well as the classical literature. I want to be more social as well, make more friends, find a partner, eventually start a family. Despite my mental health, i'm fairly optimistic about my future. Even if i'm being too optimistic, I don't think it's bad since my goals aren't very lofty in my opinion. >>30375 I hope that we'll both eventually find peace with it lain.

>>30376 Ok Im back, this is good. I have some similar feelings toward siblings. Growing up I was (still am) quite emotionally distant. This could be for a number of reasons but this isnt about me. With taking people for granted, if you feel that way, at least you appear to be self aware about it, which is the first step to improvement. I'd say be more mindful of your behavior around others but release too that not everyone will like you for one reason or another. Its just people man. Just remember what you value and strive towards and maintain good values and goals with other people in mind, while not being wayyy to selfish about it. Keep in mind, tou exist with other people as well. One more thing, keep up the optimistic attitude and well-rounded interests. It helps having an outlit and places to project how you feel ans whatnot. I say this as someone is 2 years older, just always keep in mind what you value

>>30376 Fortunately, you get to spend the rest of that life as siblings. So, if they have or attain any level of awareness near yours I'm sure you can find more value or respect for one another as more time goes on. Moreover, if you really feel like you take other people that matter to you for granted, try to express what they mean to you in a way that makes sense between said parties. Ex. I have a former art teacher who I really appreciated, I occasionally send them origami since they liked to keep what I used to make in class. Light and simple circumstances, but you get the idea

I'm stuck doing military stuff for the next two weeks, as in we don't do anything. "Heavy Vehicles Driver" who hasn't had a license for 3 years. What a joke, they take us, waste our time in the middle of a pandemic then tell us to piss off

I'm tired of being in a constant battle with everyone, Lain. There are so many different questions and countless stances on them, and for some reason even the nicest people around me try to push their opinions and thoughts on me and make me say and do what they would say and do if they were me. But they're not me, and I feel like I'm in a visual novel and someone chooses things for me, while I (the playable character) know those choices aren't what I want but can't do anything about it. I feel like my life is both going wrong and getting on the right track because of other people's advice that gets forced on me. I have absolutely no one close enough to me to tell them about this and it's been bothering me for a long time. I was going to maybe wait for some special person to come and I'd tell them that and they wouldn't judge, they'd just support me, with a hug maybe. Now that I think about it, it's stupid and pointless, there's no such person. Sorry if the post is an edgy mess. Feel free to reply or ask anything.

I decided to make a copy of every depressing post I've made because I figured they might be useful to bring up in therapy. I have 3000 words from threads on this board that are still up. My God. What went so wrong?

>>30400 Not sure if it helps but I know where you're coming from with the special someone idea. I see the few friends I have left manage to find someone almost without effort yet no matter how hard I try I am incapable of finding the same. Waiting and hoping they will enter your life just means they never will and actually trying to find someone like that seems impossible. I have a few fellow autist friends for whom I can't properly discuss this kind of thing and a cavalcade of superficial 'friendships' from people at work and the like that would never evolve into that kind of relation.

>>30400 >I feel like I'm in a visual novel You have a harem of identical girls wearing different wigs and accessories, who give you attention even if you have no personality whatsoever?

>>30417 there's more to visual novels than that

>>30404 that's pretty cool anon. hope it goes well >>30414 it makes no sense anon. like the rules are different for us. Is it autism? Are we just that soykaf?

Thinking about an heroing it soon, every path in the future I visualize just seems like a waste of time. Only thing keeping it from me doing it are my parents as it would be rude to make their investment a big failure, but then again there is some risk involved in having a child. Sometimes they become degenerates and sometimes they decide that this life thing is not for them. I'm currently 1 year away from getting my master's in EE, so there are plenty of paths open for me, but all of them lead to the same outcome - might as well skip everything and go straight to the end. I don't want to get married/have a wife/gf since in majority of cases she would except to have a kid at some point, which means I'm just wasting her time. It's like children are pets to women, it's all cute and fluffy when they're babies, but when they grow up, parents get bored with them and more often than not neglect them completely and then wonder why their kid is a complete failure. Somewhere in my development I failed to acquire (or was it inevitable?) social skills, for past 5+ years I didn't have any "friends". Only time people tend to bother with me is when they need something fixed or free engineering consultations/design work. Nobody really invited me out (expect on one birthday when I was 9-12, because other kid's parents were trying to be nice to everyone). One of the main causes of this is that I don't drink, but everyone else does. And I also don't eat meat so that's additional handicap when trying to socialize. But all of blaming others aside I'm not even mad anymore, not having to please others with useless socializing fake friend let's go drink together rubbish is nice in its own way. I just think that not being a part of society is basically same as not existing at all. Only rational conclusion is to end it soon and give away your future resources to someone who can make use of them. I'm not even sad or depressed about it, it's just a selection process that I failed to overcome.

>>29644 This is a very interesting read. Have you reached the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs yet? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you have 100% of the bottom two layers (basic needs and security) and now need the "love/belonging" layer. That's just the picture I'm getting.

>>30159 I don't think that's a good idea lain. The world is rightfully becoming more hostile to people like me. Suicide is a lot more preferable to the shame and torture I might endure

>>30360 >psychopathy doesn't necessarily come with any ill will or narcissism. Narcissism can also be devious, many narcissists think of themselves as *especially* worthless and *especially* oppressed. No, they think they are the best of everyone and oppressed by the people that can see through their soykaf. They play victim when it's convenient for them to garner sympathy so they can outnumber the one calling them out inevitably gaslighting that person. They don't hate themselves. They only care about themselves while pretending they don't so they can do horrendous soykaf to the person they deem most fitting for their fuarrrked up fantasy outside of their spotlight.

>>30452 This definition of narcissism, passive narcissism or whatever it's called, will eventually be conflated with depression. It didn't exist before, now it exists, and it's used more and more. And now the idea is getting blurry. Like what you just said is the actual narcissism, but narcissist is slowly becoming a buzzword for entitlement, which is on its own a buzzword that everyone, especially narcissists and entitled people, love to use. Anyway this is so how people will finally be able to actually hate depressed people and openly despise people who are depressed or kill themselves, because they're not mentally ill, they're secret narcissists who feel entitled to a happiness they don't deserve. Mark my words, give it a few years. They can't say that depression is not a disorder because this way they cannot dismiss anybody who doesn't feel at ease in this world that they're insane, so they'll have to make it a bad disease that makes you a bad person.

>>30453 You're talking out of your ass. c. a psychologist.

>>30453 >This definition of narcissism, passive narcissism or whatever it's called, will eventually be conflated with depression. It didn't exist before, now it exists, and it's used more and more. And now the idea is getting blurry. Like what you just said is the actual narcissism, but narcissist is slowly becoming a buzzword for entitlement, which is on its own a buzzword that everyone, especially narcissists and entitled people, love to use. In my experience with a narcissistic person I have experienced nothing but the hostility I have described previously. Narcissism comes with the entitlement but I can understand that the idea is getting blurred with labeling entitled people as narcissistic. But since narcissistic people project their own actions as someone elses fault and gaslights them to believe they are what the "whitleblower" is I understand that narcissists love to use that buzzword since it is convenient for them. >Anyway this is so how people will finally be able to actually hate depressed people and openly despise people who are depressed or kill themselves, because they're not mentally ill, they're secret narcissists who feel entitled to a happiness they don't deserve. Mark my words, give it a few years. So the idea of depression is slowly being dissolved into hidden entitlement cause everyone has depression now? >They can't say that depression is not a disorder because this way they cannot dismiss anybody who doesn't feel at ease in this world that they're insane, so they'll have to make it a bad disease that makes you a bad person. So they will turn depression into a mental disease so that they can control you if you recognize that something isn't right with the world?

Broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. Our relationship went to soykaf incredibly fast and I have no idea why. She won't talk to me about it. Life is hell...

>>30498 Give her time and then ask about it.

>>30477 Wonderful argument, psychologist. I actually believe that you are one, your entire rhetoric needs the listener to be on drugs to work.

>>30497 People already hate depressed people and suicides especially if they are male, it's a short step before they jump at the opportunity to say depressed people are narcissistic.

>coom >feel sad >decide not to coom again >listen to sad music >the post nut clarity slowly disappear >coom again >I have failed my self cuz i decided not to coom again, and everything I said was just bullshit. >fuarrrking_angry.jpg >fml

>>30508 Nofap and guilt just increased fetishes and neuroticism for me. Just accept it as a routine that should sometimes be broken for your healths Sake, the Same way you can surely Control yourself Not to drink cola everyday. After that only gf can set you free.

>>30327 Being able to anticipate what actions will make people happy or like you doesn't make you manipulative or cold. Recognizing and choosing to act in a way that appeals to other people is a sign you are healthy and conscientious. You aren't responsible for your friend's death.

>>30506 >People already hate depressed people and suicides Do they? Watching someone you treasure and need get absorbed into despair and a sense of worthlessness is painful. What do people do to make others hate them? They treat relationships as a attention sources. They just take and take. They refuse to do anything, but can't understand why they don't have any accomplishments that reflect the greatness they see in themselves. They obsess over a self image that has no relation to any of their actions. They know what they want but never attempt to get it. They ignore feedback. They think any kindness that isn't an accident is manipulative. They refuse to be kind on purpose, because on purpose must mean fake. They mock kind people, because they must be fake. To be blunt, doing these regularly is awful. Everyone has sympathy for the depressed, those who can't see how much their life means to others. These people are given drugs and therapy. They're told to remember their accomplishments and to stop beating themselves up for past mistakes. However, there's many who feel awful because they act awful. Their self-esteem reflects their lack of accomplishments. Sympathy is wasted on them.

>>30137 >i hope one day illcare about something. The only way this can happen is if you try things. If you wait for things to change on their own, nothing will ever happen.

>>30509 this addiction is hurting me in many aspects of my life, I need to stop. I will try to start fresh again tomorrow. >>After that only gf can set you free. I really dont want to depends on someone to make me free. thanks for your advice anyway :).

>>30513 Among Christians, suicide is considered a selfish act.

>>29644 Been there. Done it. Spent it all. Not on hedonism, but on acquiring Knowledge. I'll never be happy again, but knowing is worth it. It's like having a sixth sense. Sometimes I leak knowledge in a conversation then have to pull myself back because I start to appear to them like I'm from a different world. My idea was I thought I would share what I found with people but the reality is they neither care or believe you. Even the little things you tell them half a year in advance they tell you about it after it happens like they are informing you it happened! I bite my lip or pinch myself to stop helping them now. Since I can hear the thoughts of you greedy beggars so loudly a crumb or two.... End of this month? People going crazy over an asteroid strike. End of this year? The person in the street starts to understand a global war was started back in January. Are we alone in the Universe? The question itself is so naive. LOL! Just joking, I'm mad and I move objects with my mind, telekinesis. Plausible deniability is essential isn't it?

>>29644 P.S. Canada is a nice place to ride a motorcycle. Particularly around Vancouver.

>>30520 No, not you. It was for >>29644 He will understand.

>>30518 According to Sir William Blackstone, in his 1825 Commentaries on the Laws of England suicide is a "crime against God and nature, as well as a crime of depriving the King of a subject."

>>30523 I love it when historical quotes verge on something straight out of 40k. No time for any sentimental soykaf, you are depriving the king of a body to maintain Britain's mighty industry.

>>30513 Are you the armchair psychologist in >>30427 ? No, it's because relationships are parasitic for 99% of people and when you stop functioning they'd rather abandon the host so they can use someone else. You are calling depressed people emotional vampires which is exactly what I was talking about in >>30453

>>30528 The problem is not that depressed people are being called narcissists. The problem is that narcissists think they're depressed. A symptom of depression is a lack of interest and concentration. A symptom of narcissism is wanting to be someone who had accomplished things, but not attempting them out of fear of failure or difficulty. Depressed people don't go online and complain about things they want to do but "can't", they don't care enough about the task. Complaining like that is narcissistic behavior. Only narcissists go online and complain about how they want to be a "GREAT PROGRAMMER" but can't bring themselves to do any programming. Some amount of narcissistic behavior is normal. We all want to identify with the end result of our education or childhood. That's how healthy people make goals. True narcissists fixate on the end result of a personal development that they aren't experiencing because they deliberately avoid any development that would harm their self image.

>>30531 Do you even understand what the definition of narcissism is, and how narcissistic people actually behave? You are literally throwing around the buzzword like I said that people are doing, in the worst possible way. Someone who wants to amount to something but says they can't is either too fearful too try or demotivated if they did. Either way this ties to low self-esteem. Narcissism is literally about having an immense ego, a narcissist would say that they are the greatest programmer ever and they deserve all the credit they can get. A narcissist would never think they are depressed, they would act depressed to score points. That's what 99% of people on social media who talk about their mental illness are doing. This world is fuarrrking ruled by narcissists, so the definition needs to be redirected to something else. And as newspeak has taught us all in 2020, there is no better way to remove a problem than misuse the word that addresses it over and over and over until the meaning is lost. So now if you say "I feel alienated by people and I think the world is rotten to the core" you may get called a narcissist because you feel entitled that the world conforms to you. See? It s easy to twist it that way, but you know that better than me.

>>30533 >Do you even understand what the definition of narcissism is, and how narcissistic people actually behave? You have no idea what narcissism is. Narcissists have low self esteem. A cursory amount of research would have told you this. You seem to think narcissist is a synonym for over confident. People often casually label over confident people as narcissistic, but this has nothing to do with narcissistic personality disorder. >Either way this ties to low self-esteem. Narcissism is literally about having an immense ego, Narcissistic behavior is caused by low self esteem. Narcissists respond to criticism poorly, because they have low self-esteem. A narcissist views every critique as a personal attack. Narcissists crave attention and praise, because they have low self-esteem. A narcissist needs a constant stream of approval and reassurance in order to maintain their self-image. Responding poorly to critiques and needing praise is not a sign of confidence. >a narcissist would say that they are the greatest programmer ever and they deserve all the credit they can get. No, a narcissist would avoid any obviously wrong or easily testable claims. They need something believable that can never be tested. They would focus on vague generalities like, "I'm intelligent." or "I'm a real programmer." Any feedback or source of feedback that undermines that core idea has to be called irrelevant and ignored. Narcissists only brag in ways that support their inflated self image. Things they realize aren't true won't work. >A narcissist would never think they are depressed, they would act depressed to score points. A narcissist would not knowingly pretend to be depressed for sympathy. A narcissist needs praise and attention to support their self image, because they have low self esteem. Narcissists need to believe they are who the present themselves as. A narcissist passes off inactivity as depression because they have low self esteem. If they're a genius tortured by depression, then they don't have to judge themselves by their accomplishments. In their heads, they're brilliant but unrealized. They're an identity distinct from their actions. Narcissists only crave attention and praise that reinforce their delusions.

>>30537 >You seem to think narcissist is a synonym for over confident. No, it's people who think the world revolves around them and expect a red carpet wherever they go, and will also manipulate people to get what they think is owed to them. Alright, their inflated egos are fragile, they have low self esteem. But you are conflating any behavior related to unfulfilled wants with narcissism, which is exactly the kind of thing I was criticizing. Then you say that narcissists deliberately choose what to present and would avoid presenting an image that doesn't support their ego, and you say that they pass inactivity as depression because of that, but you claim that narcissists wouldn't knowingly pretend to be depressed for sympathy. Which is it?

feel okay i guess I go through cycles every couple months where my sleep completely flips around. The best and most productive time for me to be awake is between 2 AM and 6 PM. I actually work and study for about 10 - 12 hours per day during these periods. I can usually hold onto this for about 2 months, and then I slowly start waking up later. I just say fuarrrk it and spend a couple weeks just flipping it around completely, and staying up progressively later and later until I am waking up at 2 AM again, and then I start being productive again. I woke up at 4 PM today, So I'll probably go to bed at around 7-8 AM. I've just been playing video games and listening to podcasts and talk radio all day. I've been doing this for about 3 years now... It actually works out okay and while "cycling" I find that it is a good outlet for me to just not give a soykaf and to stop being so high strung and obsessed with being productive. My thought process during this time is quite different as well, although I am usually more depressed and it is hard to keep up an exercise routine. Still, I find that there are helpful insights to be found in depressive thinking as long as they don't drown you. So things aren't perfect but they are okay. I wish health and strength to anyone who reads this.

For the first time in my life I've found a girl that I genuinely get along with. Even better is that she likes me back. It seems particularly bullshit, however, that she lives 3500 miles away and has almost a decade on me. I can't help but feel like God likes to play epic pranks on me.

I feel like I've honestly exhausted my capacity to write about my problems. Or so it seems right now. I've been posting about my problems on various forums and boards since at least 2016, and I've been keeping a diary since April 2018. I often return to the same topics that trouble me the most, and I have probably repeated myself three or four times on every thing I've ever written about. Funny thing is, I'm still stuck with all these problems. I still hate my major, I'm just as depressed and insecure about me being mediocre and empty, among other things. I don't want to live like this. I'm afraid that this has become my new norm, that it has crystallized and will never change. It's funny, but I'm not willing and have never been willing to take any real steps to rectify my situation, so the blame is on me. I don't know why is that, why I don't want to act. I'm lazy; I'm anxious that if I try, it won't help; I'm hopeless, I don't want to do anything at all; I'm disgusted, disgusted by "normal" lifestyle that other people lead and that I'll have to adopt to survive. >>30429 I feel you. Actually, you articulated what I've been feeling this entire time. Nice.

>>30429 >I just think that not being a part of society is basically same as not existing at all. i always get the reply "stop doing things for others", as if anybody were capable of enjoying a life in a complete vacuum. Not even the hermits of the past did so, they were still part of their society, they had a role. I have tried to identify with my work, but it always has to involve someone else at the end. People tell me I should do things "just to enjoy them", I'm not a hedonist. I can't be a hedonist, I can't just lazily do "things I like" which doesn't even mean anything. for the heck of it. People keep saying do this, do that, but I know what it meant to be part of something, before the internet boom and social media. You were actually talking to human beings. It just isn't there anymore. My only hope is to find at least a fragment of that somewhere, but I feel I will never really have a role anywhere. And if I could go back I would still end up like this, I just don't want to live a soykafty wagie life, working a job that means nothing or makes the world worse.

>>30540 >Then you say that narcissists deliberately choose what to present and would avoid presenting an image that doesn't support their ego, and you say that they pass inactivity as depression because of that, but you claim that narcissists wouldn't knowingly pretend to be depressed for sympathy. Which is it? There's no contradiction. A narcissist finds explanations that justify what they want to see and assumes they're true. A narcissist looking for an excuse to justify their inactivity would see depression as a possible explanation and assume it's true, "I am intelligent, but I'm depressed." An alternative image shattering explanation, like "I am not actually better than my peers." would never be considered. Narcissists are not planning how to deceive themselves or others. They just avoid unpleasant information: anything that threatens their illusion. It scares and hurts them. This is no different to how upper management ignores warnings they don't want to be true, "We can't make the release date as is." or how researchers can focus on problems they know how to solve instead of problems other people care about.

>>30545 >I don't know why is that, why I don't want to act Probably because guilt and anxiety are very poor motivators. Take tiny steps in the direction you want to go (or towards figuring out where you want to go), and let yourself enjoy and feel good about it. That way you won't have to fight yourself about whether to actually address a problem or avoid the pain of trying.

>>30327 This is the saddest story I have ever read. Keep going man, mark my word, 2020 will be the worst year in human history

>>30426 >Is it autism? Are we just that soykaf? I really don't know and it hurts, I try to be nicer, I try to moderate for autism and i try to just be myself and time after time I end up pushing people away. Maybe its just both, maybe I'm just a soykaf person and the autism just compounds on that. Either way I don't like it and makes things miserable, at least I have a small handful of friends who still tolerate me.

I have nothing to vent over today, but that is such a nice picture. Shame it doesn't snow properly anymore.

The defeatist thoughts have returned. I feel like I should abandon all hope for happiness, bettering myself and finding "the one". My only redeeming quality seems to be my ability to work and to be of some use to others, like a worker drone. But I still hold on to some shred of hope for whatever reason. I think it's my ego. The couple of posts above talking about narcissism vs. depression made me realize I'm probably just a narcissist. I constantly compare myself to others, want to be better than others but put no effort in, use depression and troubles in life as excuses for not having achieved anything at 21, etc. Hell, even my complaint above seems narcissistic now that I think about it. What now, I wonder. Probably just have to live with it.

>>30508 >lost all interest in sex >can't even get aroused anymore >duckduckgoing "am i asexual" shows that probably yes >still jerk off out of procrastination

>>30551 >A narcissist looking for an excuse to justify their inactivity would see depression as a possible explanation and assume it's true, "I am intelligent, but I'm depressed." You don't decide you have depression ffs, it's as obvious an pneumonia. If a narcissist decides he's depressed because it's convenient for him to use that as an excuse for being lazy or whatever, so what. The vast majority of twitter attention seekers do exactly that all the time. They will never kill themselves, none of these people want to kill themselves, they just broadcast that they're depressed for pity. Goddamn, how could I forget about meme depression. It's not narcissism that is the problem, it's the meme social media depression that is getting it all mixed up. I made a longer post but I think I'll just drop it. I'm full tinfoil hat about this but there's massive social engineering going on. Mental illness is exactly like saying someone is a sinner or marked by the Devil except it's real because it's science. The comfy illnesses that are good to have are being removed from the list, those are the illnesses that make you compliant so we want those to be looked at nicely. People need to be able to say they're just neuroatypical. If you have some dignity and you want to feel better and you don't want to use this crap to score points you don't want to say you're neuroatypical, you want help. And if you need help you are given drugs and told to go back to work.

>>30585 You are not alone, though unless you are one of those "going through an asexual/bi/trans" phases you probably just have some underlying life problems that are making you not have sexual desires (lemme guess, high stress lifestyle?). Make sure you are physically and mentally healthy, and your sexual feelings might come back. Otherwise, become a VOLCEL wizchad

I'm such a worthless delusional piece of garbage I can't believe I am even trying to do what I want to do

>>30585 >>lost all interest in sex At least you could have sex if you so desired to. I can't even hold onto friends for more than a year.

>>30558 Lain, thank you. That first sentence of your post, it all makes sense. Forgive me acting like an excited idiot, I'm not knowledgeable in psychology, and I'm thankful I was given a new perspective on my condition. I've always viewed anxiety and guilt as good motivators. These were the two primary motivators I was exposed to as a kid growing up, now that I think about it. The point is, I never gave their negative effect much thought, they motivated me to do well at tasks I was obliged to do, and I did well. Looking back, I understand that it couldn't have been good for me, and far too many examples of its negative consequences come to mind. It's odd that I forget about those. I even forced myself to pick up a creative "hobby" out of sheer desperation. The goals I had been working towards basically my entire life were no longer achievable, and so I started drawing, hoping that, at the very least, I will feel better doing it. Ironic. I now wonder how exactly I should proceed. What other motivators are there? How do I change gears and rely on those instead? I want to feel good about doing things and living life.

>>30612 I'm not the lain you are responding to but I share your epiphany of what the other lain said. I think the better motivator would be to imagine how happy you would be seeing yourself at that goal and seeing every obstacle as a new challenge instead of a setback. Something I need to grasp onto myself.

I am totally fuarrrked. My future is gone. I have bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia. I am completely and utterly fuarrrked. I will probably never complete college and will be stuck working menial jobs my entire life. I can't stand to hear people bitch about their trivial problems either. I will be in physical and mental pain for the rest of my entire life. My brainpower is gone

>>30617 Why not just say 'no' to these diagnoses? Why not just live happily in spite? I don't understand why people hold onto facts that utterly depress them. Pretty goddamn certain if I showed up to some Doctor™ I would be on Prozac™ and Rehabilitation Immersion Therapy™ to work through my Childhood Traumas and continually apologize and plead with my new Bipolar Disorder as I have many of the Symptoms and screamings at night. I have sympathy for you, and I usually exercise that sympathy, but I figure this would be more interesting for you instead. My condolences would give you nothing, I think. Just say no. Or you can angrily reply to my post about how I know about nothing and be so certain that you're going to hate the rest of your life. Wishing you the best.

No one really replied to my post >>30151 but I've decided to go through with it. The world would objectively be better off without me. I now have time to get some things in order and then I'll be set to leave.tonbr perfectly honest I don't know why I'm posting this. I doubt anyone is going to convince me to stay. I don't know what I'm looking for here. Anyways it feels good to be leaving.

>>30623 In your case you're dealing with a serious medical condition. Your part of the brain that is supposed to deal with nurturing the young is instead wired to trigger lustful desires. It's not very likely that therapy will solve this, only thing that will help is isolation from people you might hurt someday. You can either work hard at something that you forget about your problem or off yourself. If you decide to do the latter make sure you do it properly. Last thing you need is to become paralysed vegetable or deal with brain damage. One thing that could help you is to join the army, but I'm not sure if they'll let you join since you're already visiting a therapist. You'll be away from civilization/internet, might get blown up by IED and still could be useful to others. Being in an extreme environment should help a bit.

>>30627 >join army lold, soldiers rape kids while on mission. Iraq had a big case that made it even on wikipedia where they made the parents watch the whole ordeal. Dont remember the name sadly cause its not really something you want to remember. But its a thing thats generally true for armies. Even the smurfs got in trouble fuarrrking with kids.

>>30629 Well soykaf. But it probably depends on the job type? Infantry is probably more likely to be in such situations compared to EOD or engineers.

>>30627 Can't join. Already tried. Diagnosed bipolar. They didn't take me. Though the idea of disappearing and moving to a remote location sounds intriguing

>>30632 If you become an aircraft mechanic or something like that then yes, you're not going to be going into situations with kids because they do not run a daycare for local kids in the Apache hangars.

>>30633 What about working on a commercial cargo ship or an oil rig? Mining? Remember the old meme: arbeit macht frei. Any hard manual work will prevent you from thinking too hard about everything.

>>30635 Nevermind. Thanks for trying lainanon but I'm irredeemable. Goodbye

>>30646 Send us an e-mail if you succeed. We might meet up in Wired once again.

5 years with no interaction with women other than my mother I went to a restaurant and a young woman just so casually sat next to me and tried to talk to me My mind just warped around, my sight got a bit blurry, I couldn't bear it anymore and immediately left the place

>>30651 Maybe that was the right thing to do and your brain acted subconciosly to avoid danger. Depending on your circumstances (age and appearance) she could be trying to get something from you - ask you for money to pay her meal for example. Women know how to leverage their assets (physical contact, proximity, acting cute) to get what they need. It helps if you know about these things in advance and then when she approaches you you won't be surprised and handle the interaction without too much trouble. It's better to bail than to interact if you're easily emotionally manipulated as it could lead you to doing something stupid and get you in trouble.

>>30653 It's also important to know these signs and remember that not every woman does this to avoid the immediate assumption that every woman approaches you to get something from you which can also get you in trouble.

>>30612 Glad you found it useful! To be honest I responded to your post because this is something I'm trying to work on in my own life right now and it's been on my mind, I don't know for sure how to fully achieve this, though I believe in the goal and effectiveness of acting without pain. Pleasurable stimuli are dramatically more effective for creating behavior, and negative stimuli promote avoidance of even indirectly associated things. Is there anything you enjoy, or could enjoy, about the work you need to do? If so, pay attention to that feeling, if not, reevaluate your goals. The idea is to actually want to do what you have to do, so your mind is more or less unified behind your intention. If there's something about it you resent, acknowledge that and come to an agreement with yourself. If you notice that you are beating yourself up mentally for some perceived failure, or feeling disproportionately bad about current stressors, remind yourself that it isn't helpful. If you find yourself procrastinating something and building up enough guilt or fear to overcome your avoidance of doing it, stop yourself and either just directly skip to doing the thing, or focus on something else. All this is definitely easier said than done, and I struggle with it. I find meditation helps, at least for a couple hours, with being able to 'just do it' and avoid being distracted with fear of failure, but I still fall into states where I lose perspective, and it seems like accumulating worry and internal bargaining are deeply ingrained in my thought process. Still, I'm stronger than I used to be, and I think this is the right direction to be going.

>>30618 Ah yes, I forgot that just ignoring bipolar disorder and fuarrrking fibromyalgia just makes those things go away.

I can't stop thinking about the past, it's so weird. This affects both my perception of the past (long story) and also of the future because if I do this small thing it will "trigger" a specific scenario and it will be repeated again and again. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, like they say.

>>29603 Why the fuarrrk is life so hard? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about work, school or the the act of staying alive in the existential kind of way. I'm talking about connecting with another person. It's just so goddamn hard to find a common ground in terms of conversation points of mutual interest. For instance, occasionally I like philosophical conversations, but when I'm participating in a such a group, say, online, all the people there are just blabbering about nonsensical soykafe like "how did the big bang cause matter -- was it God or aliens?" or something of that sort. Yeah, it might be a good question and yeah, some people are just starting on with their self-reflection and world-wondering and nobody starts out as Socrates or Hawkings, and yes, this pretentious attitude is kinda elitist and annoying, but when I go to the other end, say, of master's grade philosophers, half of what they talk about goes beyond me. And it's not necessarily even that they've read more Hegel or Heidegger than me. It's rather that even the supposedly "normal" grade stuff (like watching a certain movie, keeping up with the latest news points or keeping up with the [name the subject of your fanboy-erism]) throws me out of loop. Half of everything I'd like to say or talk about seems so crystal clear in my mind, but once I open my mouth, all I can muster are incoherent sentences and stuttered words. Any suggestions to cope with this kind of social issues?

>>30651 that's a weird thing to happen but honestly I just go with the flow in those circumstances. She was probably crazy and crazy people can be really fun to talk to, but you must enforce boundaries. >>30672 the kind of people who like to ponder stuff online are usually pompous douchebags. Most people won't open up about those kinds of things except when they know you enough to be comfortable with being vulnerable around you.

The girl I got caught up with is back with her ex. If it was just for that, I'd be ok, but she lied to me in every way possible and now she's trying as hard as she can to keep me around as a friend. She complains about how I've changed, but I'm not willing to give more than I've been in these last weeks. I'm mad at her, but I'm to """nice""" to cut her off.

Heyo Lain. How do you tell if someone is a liar? Ive been described as overly skeptical and have developed trust issues due to my childhood experiences. I was wondering not because I keep falling for them, but because I want to stop seeing other who are close to me (freinds, family, etc...) in a negative light all the time amd constantly thinking they have some kind of alternative plan. It has ruined numerous friendships/relationships in the past. I just want to trust others and let go of my schizo-like attitude and matureky evaluate other people

>>30685 I know this story like the back of my hand because of I have delt woth this numerous times. Realize how short your life really is and value your time. Thats it. If a girl doesnt want to give you the time of day and is using you as an emotional crutch (real freinds imo dont treat each other as emotional crutches all the time) than she is a waste of your time. Please value your time. Its hard because you liked her, but realize she doesnt like you back and certainly doesnt respect you. It doesnt sound like she is trying to be your freind. I wish you luck lain

>>30685 I know how that feels. The short and brutal answer is you just gotta do it. Resist your natural urges to be the bigger person and do what is best for you.

>>29603 I hate being poor i hate being mexican i hate being a porn addict i hate being bad socializing i hate have fake "friends" i hate all I don't know, this times hit me hard and make me realize that i live in a country of soykaf with soykaf of people, and i take to overcome my porn addiction and loneliness but is so hard, i try to male me someone make something, i try to learn programing and linux but i just too lazy, I can't study for seven hours and i can propagating for more than that i just want to be something i just want to leave this country of soykaf, i just want to be don't be poor, i hate to use a fuarrrking laptop of ten years old broken without battery to almost studying i hate that someone can have better things and use it to play videogames or use social media I hate social media, i hate being fake, i hate try to talk with girls that are so fuarrrking boring just because I'm horny, i hate social media hipocricy all fake it, i try to deleted my social media but I can't because i need contact for university in this "online school" I hate the education system on Mexico i hate pay more money than other Mexicans and don't have nothing, i hate the school system i hate the bad guys i hate the bitches i hate the teachers i hate the classrom i hate having class that take off my time that i can use to study programing or other rhings important I hate the president i hate how much people are dying because a fuarrrking virus i hate how the government is soykaf i hate how people don't take quarentine i hate the third world i hate AMLO i hate coronavirus i hate this I hate how the megacorps know everything from me i hate how I'm controlled i hate how I'm a fuarrrking addicto to porn or watch the photos or that girl that i want to fuarrrk i hate don't speak english correctly i hate the feminism i hate the lgtbqp+++ i hate communist i hate ((you know)) i hate how the privacy is coming to end i hate born in Mexico i hate the fuarrrking world Thanks

>>30685 If she doesn't respect you then you don't need to respect her, its tough to cut someone off but sometimes you just have to be strong and do it. The fact you can see the problem indicates that you are strong enough to deal with the problem.

Tonight I learned that you can debind a doujin using heat to melt the glue, without cutting anything. All those pages that I butchered needlessly ... At least I won't anymore in the future.

>>30700 Is this how scans get (got) made? You melt the glue off, and then individually scan each page? If so, that's fascinating!

>>30592 >You are not alone Thank you, lain. >you probably just have some underlying life problems that are making you not have sexual desires (lemme guess, high stress lifestyle?). I think I have like 10x social interaction compared to 1-2 months ago. It's mostly positive and I'm learning a lot. But still stresses me out, I guess. >Make sure you are physically and mentally healthy, and your sexual feelings might come back. >Otherwise, become a VOLCEL wizchad I don't even know if I actually want them to come back, haha. It's kind of peaceful now.

I don't want to be on imageboards anymore. I don't like any of these places. I only use them because I don't want to lose touch completely but I hate every second I spend on them. I only ever wanted a purpose-driven environment to work in, I really want to work and only work but there is no work I can do that people would like me to do or I could do sustainably. I don't want to be a stupid no-life NEET but I don't want to flip burgers or other mind-numbing useless soykaf that people would rather have of me. I refuse to do this, I refuse to live like a slave for a company, so I will just kill myself. Everything I could have done, everything I could have worked hard on, it will never happen. I'll just kill myself. I offer my entire life and the world says no thanks, we'd rather not have you at all. I won't accept this defeat, it's what I want to do and worked to have or nothing. It's so humiliating that the whole world can't collect less than minimum wage in exchange for me working day and night on things I am passionate about, when at the same time a murderer in prison or a drug addict or whatever other waste of society gets money. They get medical care, they actually get more money allocated for them than me. I am poor and I have to pay for everything. Society thinks these people deserve more money to be spent for them than me. In this absurdly Darwinian society a criminal is cared for more than me. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so angry that everything I am is worth so little. There are these movies on TV, these made-for-TV crime stories, I've never seen garbage like this. They probably moved all the actual movies to pay-for TV so this is what you see if you turn on TV. It's probably for the elderly who are waiting to die. This stuff is beyond garbage. There is no intention or message or idea behind them, it's the most empty, cookie-cutter work, they pick a bunch of somewhat attractive faceless actors, they put them together, the same things happen, it's as if it were shot by a robot. The dialogue is nonsensical, there's always a sex scene that always looks the same, the lighting is always the same, the acting is always the same, it's sterile like a McDonald's employee asking you if you want the large fries. When someone falls off the roof it goes slo-mo because it's a dramatic climax. It's so deeply offensive to my soul. This useless garbage got bought, for money, someone got paid to shoot it, how? There are these people on TV who are awful, they look awful, they're awful, they are ignorant and stupid, they're gross. The people on TV are repulsive. How is it possible that things that are worth nothing get money, and people apparently watch them and they're fine with them making so much money. How is there no angry mob barging into parliaments and sticking all the politicians' necks into a guillotine? They steal so much money every day while the countries go to soykaf, and people just shrug, all right, that's life, let's go to work for a pittance again, let's be slaves, that's what you gotta do. Why would you ever watch trash like that but then it's so goddamn hard to do anything that is worth even slightly more than zero? Why do people feel so oppressed but when they see opportunity for a change in exchange for a stupid dollar they don't give a dollar? It's a given that if you set out to do a good, honest thing from the bottom of your heart you will have to do it against everything and everyone. If you do bad things, if you cheat and steal, if you deceive, if you make the world worse, other people will help you, they will swim to you to help you. Why? Why does it have to be like this? Does it go against the law of thermodynamics? Why are people like that? Why is this world so absurd? Why are things always the opposite of how they should be? How can I trust people if they are so stupid, selfish and lazy? They would rather have sharknado because they can post memes or jokes than something meaningful they would have to think about or actually watch, it would enrich their lives but they don't care, they'd rather post a stupid meme about this offensively stupid thing that openly mocks them, why are people like this? They defend pornography which is entirely there to say hey, you're dumb fuarrrk, these tits rule over you. You will buy this. And they buy it. They don't get mad because someone thinks they're retarded and they can be bought with a pair of tits on the cover. This comes natural to me, I don't buy things that signal to me that they're made for a public of weak willed retards. How is it possible that people just accept all this stuff? Are they really just living on basic impulses? Do their brains even work? I am incapable of expressing my hate for this because I would need an outlet for it and there is nothing I can do to change anything, so I can only think of removing myself from it. I hate this world so much, I hate the people in it, I hate the stupidity of it all. I hate how all the good things die and are left to die and all the evil soykafty things get their dirty feet kissed.

>>30736 I can see you are very miserable, i wont waste too much time telling you things your probably dont want to hear. It is sad to see another lainon go in to the other side, but honestly i cant blame anyone for wanting to, personally i chose to stay and toughen it out until the bitter end, wont live too long either way. This world could be wonderful if it were not for humanitys corrupt and sick ways, everything done nowdays just makes things worse. Personally i believe this world is ruled by the devil and humanity are its slaves put into place to commit evil and corrupt souls. I hate this society and the people, i will never understand how they can live such lifes. I used to think i dont belong here, but it is they who do not belong here. At the end of it all their world must fall, i have long understood this and just wait for it and hope i dont get trapped anymore in their disgusting society. I rather die hungry in the street than work to maintain this kind of sick way of life. It would be most unfortunate to see another soul go because of the endless evil in this world while the guilty roam free and celebrate. I am beyond caring, i dope myself up and try to mind my own business while avoiding human contact, the years of seeing disapointment after disapointment from mankind in its endless misery dulled me. There is a way out i know that, but the cost of finding it s inconceivable. I wish you luck in whatever way you chose to go and hope your suffering ends.

>>30772 I was feeling too resentful so I couldn't keep going in that direction. Sometimes I am in a horrible mood and I lash out, or I break down and I say things that I regret. I hate doing that and it's exhausting. I just want serenity and there is none this way. I have tried just accepting and letting go or taking it stoically but I am not in the state of mental health to do that. I do my best not to be angry but the only option I have left is to wither. Professionals made my situation worse. I don't know how I present myself to others, my self-perception is unreal like in a dream. After I have an interaction I have trouble remembering what I said or what I did exactly, so I reconstruct the conversation in the worst possible way and I am constantly in a state of panic because of it. If I have a way of knowing exactly what I said I think of all the worst misunderstandings that I can spin off of it. I have taken benzos every day for the past week or two, just to stay calm. I'm so, so tired of this. I don't know if it's just from being extremely isolated and depressed for way too many years or something like schizophrenia, but it doesn't matter because I know there's no remedy and nobody cares about this kind of investment. I am not worth the economic, social and emotional investment to get me on my feet back up and running and I am not even sure if the best I can be is worth it. There are people who are crippled or get cancer and they achieve things. I could find excuses as to why they did and I did not but there must be truth to some of that. It gives me comfort to think that I maybe deserve to feel like this and what is going on with my life is exactly what is due to me. I can certainly see the cause and effect patterns in my history that explain my situation but I also know my judgement is all messed up. If I were a building I should be taken down and rebuilt from the foundations up. I am not a historical importance. I am not the kind of building that is worth doing ten times the work to keep standing. See, one moment I lash out and then I take it all back in. It's exhausting to swing like this all the time.

>TFW really lonely >get job doing construction(hard work for good pay) >the recent divorcee who owns the house I'm working on starts making eyes at me I did my best to ignore her but it could still end bad.

Passionate people disappoint and perplex me, their existence pushes me to look inward, to reflect, only to once again hammer in the fact that there is nothing there, I'm empty. I drift along through life, but I wouldn't call it a forward motion, I don't encounter new things, I don't want to encounter new things. It's as if I'm in a whirlpool in a dirty river, stuck whirling around with junk that got sucked in. I don't like any of it, I never stop and settle with any particular piece of junk, but it's better than the stress of having to deal with new things or making an effort to get out. The truth is, I simply can't enjoy things. Or rather, I can't enjoy doing meaningful things that might take effort, the enjoyment I get from those is miniscule and you have to think, plan, act for a prolonged period of time to get that enjoyment. I don't have the interest, I don't have the patience, I don't have any prior experience with a lot of things and I expect the worst. The majority of activities don't even seem worthwhile. Do gamers seriously enjoy playing the same few games over and over again, especially if it's some multiplayer game like CS or Rainbow Six? Do artists really enjoy practising for hours on end every day, drawing boring objects around them and studying all the little details about lighting and anatomy and whatnot, just so they could use those techniques in one of their paintings, which are a slog to make? Do programmers enjoy reading through all those lines of code and fixing all the little mistakes and putting in all the forgotten brackets and everything? Did they like learning all this? Do powerlifters genuinely enjoy being fit, active and cultivating their physical image? I am so broken I actually can't tell if it's one elaborate humanity-wide sham. How are people interested in things? How do they know they're interested in them? Where does the interest come from? How come it lingers, how come they develop as personalities, as people and enjoy life? I don't understand. I don't want to understand but I want to. I don't want to stagnate but I want to. It's so comfortable, it's pain-free, it's boring and dull but I somehow keep going. This existence is horrible. I need discomfort to do something, and even then I'll do the bare minimum, I rarely go beyond that. I wish to be a human and be glad about being alive.

>>30736 If you decide you want to die please do not kill yourself quietly. Go out shooting up a Google office, or assassinating Zuckerburg. Suicide vest a internet peering building. Whatever you do, don't go out quietly

>>30796 The entitlement of asking me to "make the world better" for you is exactly what I hate about people. You think I'll go "quietly" as if I were excusing myself out, I am ghosting you. I'm hanging up. As far as I am concerned I hope Zuckerberg lives 100 more years. Zuckerberg and Google and everything you'd like someone else to blow up for you are a byproduct of your own soykafty attitude, they're exactly what you deserve. I wouldn't lift a finger to make anybody's life better while I leave, I was given nothing and I'll make sure to give nothing back until the moment I'll have to go.

Does it feel nice to be loved?

>>30802 >Does it feel nice to be loved? Yes, but you have to love the person back. (don't know if English works this way)

>>30803 It does, thats a perfectly correct English sentence. And I agree, one way love does not feel good for either party.

>>30774 Whats the age gap like?

>>30812 not sure, she doesn't look very old. I'm more concerned about how complicated of a situation it would be. I do not like complicated situations.

Sometimes, after diving through threads here or elsewhere, I feel like I'm not doing too horribly. Like I've dodged a lot of bullets. And looking at certain other websites makes me feel downright sane in comparison. Then I go to work, and I meet the others. They're not successful, or charming, or happy, or even admirable people. But they feel integrated, they feel cohesive, like they're not sick. And I'm some kind of animal, or machine.

>>30618 No offense but you sound dumb as fuarrrk. By "no offense" I mean take offense.

I'm trying to plan out my suicide, but the stupid part of my brain keeps distracting me. How do I let go of life?

Today I got a dose of reality from someone I admire. I was wrong about something I was convinced about. And I started to think that maybe this person's experience is subjective and I'm still right, because I have to deal with this today and the variables are different. But I know that I am wrong. It doesn't matter how many excuses I make. The truth is that some people succeed, some do not. How do people try and succeed? I try really hard, so damn hard and I fail. How do they do it? Do they somehow get more than 24 hours to try better? I swear I put all the care and preparation I can muster but I fail. Even the things I've practiced over and over, I am not good at them. I still fail at those sometimes, I cannot say with absolute certainty that I have mastered anything. Is it because I had that accident and it made me retarded? Am I just cut from inferior stock? Is that just it? Am I just a lower quality person who's doomed to lower achievements? How are there people who achieve so much, who try for such a short time and succeed in diverse things, while I cannot seem to succeed in a single thing? I do not have a single success to my name. Why does everything take me such an incredible amount of effort and in the end I still fail? I just don't understand why I cannot get the same results. If I deserve to be a gas station attendant or a burger flipper, why was I born with this lifelong ambition to become things that are beyond my reach? Usually it's people who don't care who end up like this. Why am I like this? Am I just stupid? Am I just a retard who's stuck in his childhood dream of becoming an astronaut? Should I get my brain checked? I really think it might be because of that time I hit my head. Maybe I have brain damage. It's so goddamn hard to keep my footing when I have to deal with this.

>>30849 >The truth is that some people succeed, some do not. How do people try and succeed? I try really hard, so damn hard and I fail. How do they do it? Do they somehow get more than 24 hours to try better? There are two reasons. One is luck: sometimes your best will never be enough and sometimes other people can scrape by with minimum effort because they're just luckier than you. They got dealt a better hand, maybe got better genes or something. Too bad, it's just something you have to live with. Another is determination: some people give up immediately if something does not work. Other people try something else to make it work. Generally it's just a matter of how much discomfort/inconvenience you are willing to take to make the thing work. I think this is really what separates geniuses from other talented people. Talent by itself only gets you so far, you need both talent and unbreakable will to accomplish anything great. IMO there is nothing worse than really really wanting something, but giving up because it got too hard or too risky. You will hate yourself for that, for your entire life. Ask any old guy and he'll tell you all his regrets are like that. Even if you never get 'success' however you define it, a life spent being mediocre but continuing to try is better than a life spent taking the path of least resistance. At least you'll have some wisdom to dispense to younger people who want the same thing, at the very least you will be able to tell them what *not* to do.

>>30848 There’s no need to do it bro

>>30848 you'll die sooner or later, what's the rush?

>>30850 I've tried to achieve these things throughout my whole adult life. I wish I could give up, I really wish. But my life has no meaning without them so I keep trying and failing. It's unbearable.

>>30853 sounds pretty bearable to me, since you're bearing it. If you really didn't think it was worth it you would have given up already.

>>30849 The difference is that the successful ones often had a few things handed to them, especially when they were young. This isn't to say that mommy and daddy bought their child's way into success, or that they somehow "cheated". It's just a matter of having the right support. Good parents, close friends, knowing fellow people from your field to get advice and such from, etc. Like you, I have someone I looked up to. Like him, I was considered to be gifted growing up, and I don't mean "mommy told me I was smart" but like... I could tell I had something going for me back then. Picked up a bunch of creative skills in early middle school, stuff like that. Same as him. But whereas he's made one absolute hell of a name for himself, I'm a nobody stuck at a dead-end job. And it's because the circumstances he and I had growing up are near-opposites. It's obvious that his parents raised him well; meanwhile I basically raised myself while my mom just kept me alive. He had a tight-knit circle of online friends, some of whom were fellow artists that gave him guidance and even opportunities. Me? I had no one. So it's only natural that he wound up a success and I wound up a failure. People talk about hard work and determination and all that. But what motivates a person to work hard? Results. For instance, if you put effort into making a piece of art and people like it, of course you're going to want to continue. You know that working hard gets you results, so you want to work harder to get even better results. And going back to the guy I mentioned: yeah, getting as big as he did is no small feat. But would he have been motivated to work as hard as he did, had he been in my shoes growing up instead? Would he have persisted if he never received an ounce of praise or constructive criticism for anything he created? You'd have to be completely insane to continue in those circumstances.