vent / let it all out #17

Previous thread: >>24215

I really don't see the point of these threads. Instead of writing about your troubles why not change some aspects of your lives? I don't condemn crying it out if it gets really rough, but I honestly don't see what these threads will accomplish. You're just echoing more misery into the void instead of slaying the dragon/riding the tiger.

>>25564 >I really don't see the point of these threads The title is "vent / let it all out" it's about just complaining or talking about your feelings >I honestly don't see what these threads will accomplish It's just about talking about your troubles. I learned some time ago that, sometimes, people don't want to hear how to fix their problems. They just want someone to listen, to feel understood, and that they are not alone. I find it really weird too; I'm autistic and had to be taught that by someone else. It seems like a waste of time to simply complain instead of actually doing something, but I guess different people have different ways of progressing through their troubles.

>>25564 Venting helps one identify the problem, or specific aspects of the problem, which may not be evident at first. Typing one's problems out first may help one start the journey of solving one's issues.

>>25567 >They just want someone to listen, to feel understood, and that they are not alone. I don't think that it's just about that - and it's not like such a need could be entirely met on an anonymous chan anyway. For me it serves as a way to manifest or externalize my internal troubles/emotions/life into a format which I can come back to and reflect upon time and time again. In a way, it's a kind of tool for self-meditation, if that makes any sense. In addition, it sometimes makes me feel like my troubles seem petty and small once I've written them down, because then they aren't taking all the working memory space, and so I can calm my mind, collect my thoughts and focus on the relevant things without said problems constantly taunting me.

>>25564 >Instead of writing about your troubles why not change some aspects of your lives? that's the most normal person thing you can say, what's next "just lift bro" most people can't just get up and do things that are needed to do, they lack the proper resources to do so. Understand that not everyone is the same

I can never seem to make people like me ... do I seek too much attention?

I just want to cry today because: people got hurt people continue to get hurt I hurt people I continue to hurt people people hurt people people continue to hurt people I got hurt I continue to get hurt

>>25564 >why not change some aspects of your lives? I tried multiple times and it never worked out, it often backfired badly too I'm tired and afraid of trying anymore.

>>25564 Because instead of talking to ourselves in our heads the whole time, it is nice for someone to even respond a short sentence. you know lainanon, not everyone here has friends so it's nice to share even some little troubles with others. Although i agree with you that people should fight their bad situations, you can't change everything.

>>25585 maybe you shouldn't force people to like you, but to just be yourself. Where do you try to make friends? >>25587 what happened?

>>25564 I have no idea why I still post on the internet since those few people who reply can't relate to what I'm saying, or reply in a way that isn't constructive or useful to me no matter what angle I try to look at it. So I have ditched casual conversation and I'm trying to focus on learning new skills instead, but I'm too worn out and mentally rigid to start the learning process from scratch yet another time at this point in life. Constantly feeling like a retarded child among Mensians is taking a toll on my self-esteem which was already a few feet under bottom level. Health issues across the family, very bad vibes all over the picture, I know the threads are useless and they foster this depressing layer of hell atmosphere in everyone's heart, but I don't know what the fuarrrk I am supposed to do after all my enthusiasm has waned year by year and I can't find any bits of it left to last me another day. Letting it all out here or in my journal - the level of feedback is almost the same - is the most relaxing way I can let this burned out toaster of a brain loose for 5 minutes with no long lasting consequences.

>>25593 Try posting in better threads or communities then. Maybe even comfy imageboards are way too generic and vague for what you are actually looking for. Bonus points for anything IRL, which as we all know brings things we just cannot replicate in this environment

>>25596 Maybe it was not healthy but I always had a partner up to a certain point in my personal history and it felt natural to see that person as a driving force to get things done. I leaned on that figure maybe a bit too much. Maybe I wanted to accomplish too much and I fell short. It only took a few years neck deep into depression and I'm just not worth the candle anymore. The issues got too scary to dive in anyway and I've let myself go both physically and mentally. I doubt I'm anywhere close to attractive anymore. I would say it's a mid life crisis but I feel like I don't have much left to live in the first place. My health's going downhill and things are taking sharp turns for the worse every few months. All of this while I've built nothing to show for, and I can't seem to learn new skills at a pace that will make me worth anyone's time. I'm reaching a point of total resignation that's somehow much worse than the despair. I'm at the point where you're too tired to keep trying to swim up. The panic is gone, the struggle is gone.

>>25596 I digressed but this is as specific as I managed to get. The only spaces more intimate than this are dirty chatroom and skill-specific communities. I don't like the former and the latter are nice for learning, but there needs to be something that pushes back when I struggle learning. In the last few years I've felt more and more like I'm a rather dull person whereas I was always told I was sharp, sometimes gifted. All those expectations that I was given and I gave in turn to myself just fizzled when I failed to reach landmark after landmark. I tried to carve my own path and I failed at that too. A bunch of strangers can't help.

>>25599 At the risk of being charged with "not being able to relate," I'd recommend doing everything you can to attack the depression problem directly. This kind of "my problems are piling up and I have no motivation to fix them" cascade demands such an approach. Also, I might suggest loosening your grip on achievement-oriented valuation. Some time ago, a lainon told me that I behaved as I did because I thought I had to prove my worth, but I didn't have to prove anything to myself or to others. It hit me in a way that similar language usually didn't, and my life has been more wonderful ever since. I'll probably be grateful to that poster until the day I die, if I keep my memories, etc. Hitting your own personal "rock bottom" may not be so bad if you take a moment to appreciate that the ground isn't so hard there as you thought it would be. Also, even if you're flat-out retarded (and I doubt you're as dull as you think), there are methods for getting around a lack of intelligence. Stupid people have a way of getting by, and the stupid man who recognizes his stupidity can get even further, either by using the intelligence of others or by simplifying the problem. If your worries about intelligence aren't even related to the solving of problems, then you're dealing with an aesthetic challenge which has a simple solution of its own: buy a pair of glasses.

I'm wondering if I should try to learn to drive again. It's been been a few years since I quit after failing the test a bunch of times. Whenever I get reminded of it (which is almost daily) I just wish I was dead. I ended up getting therapy for it but it didn't help at all. I started exercising recently and I don't feel any better. I feel like such a huge failure, and years of suicidal ideation has only made that worse. Eventual success would (I hope) stop these thoughts, but every failure on the way only serves to make them worse and more rational. Knowing you've failed an inordinate number of times at something the vast majority of people didn't is debilitating.

I just constructed an entire scenario in my head where I was diagnosed with cancer, and imagined myself apologising to people I've wronged, seeing my friends for the last time and just walking around the spots I visited often, now bald and weak. This was such an emotional rollercoaster.

>>25564 I love misery, misery loves company

>>25603 Seeking help only made it worse and shrinks are useless. As I see it, if they can't rationally convince you to change viewpoint because you have actual problems and there is no real reason to keep going and no way out, they just drug you and hope that you'll believe them while your brain is compliant, and if you don't believe them even then they just give you more drugs until you're a hollow shell. They don't give a single fuarrrk about your mental well being, they just want you to get back to work to produce more useless soykaf 'cause that is all that matters in this world, you gotta keep this retarded meat grinder going in circles and there's no other end to it.

>>25612 >no way out I can't say whether this applies to your particular situation, especially since you've made reference to serious medical problems, but it is frequently the case that the perception of being trapped in this way does not correspond to reality. >drugs I'll just say that drugs worked for me and, whatever it is that the shrinks want, I have no particular desire to subject myself to the grind. Do you mean to say that your depression has resisted both therapy and medication, though? Also, would you happen to be getting too little sleep?

>>25613 Yeah I'm "treatment resistant"and "CBT" did nothing because it clearly only works if you can't fit in quite snugly in the grinder and you wish you did, it doesn't work if you dislike the grinder and see that it's a mad grinder that makes no sense. If you are unhappy with this nonsensical idiot world you are the problem, the world is soykaf and everything is like kicking dead whales down the beach, there is nothing left to look up to, no future to build, standards to be anything in life are sky high so if you don't have exceptional talent in whatever actual purpose you set out for yourself your best bet is flipping burgers or being a spare cog in the grinder, but if you have a problem with this soykaf you are mentally ill. Because it turns out this soykaf world is actually perfect and grinding meat and throwing it back into the grinder is the best thing ever and humanity's greatest achievement. I wish every day I had a Death Star like device so I could blow up this planet into cosmic dust.

>>25614 >treatment resistant Yeah, I have fuarrrk all to say for that. That's outside my experience. My last attempt to do something for you is this: maybe try reading Thomas Ligotti if you haven't before. It seems like his works would resonate with your outlook, and your choice to reference Planescape: Torment suggests you are "a man of culture," as the meme goes. My personal favorite is the short story collection Teatro Grotesco, which should be easily available through certain less-than-legitimate sources of ebooks.

>>25606 i'm assuming your failures are due to anxiety. i think i know what you mean lain. i actually did it on the third try, but my suspicion is that the instructor wasn't very strict and noticed the sheer amount of nervousness i was displaying. i get anxious very easily. my heart can probably take off like an airplane from my chest at times. thing is - i completely cannot control this, i have to live with it, probably the same applies to you. just hang in there, that's all i can say.

>>25585 actively trying to make people like you usually isn't a good course of action. quite often people can see through it. i personally judge a person for the most part intuitively, at the very first moment i see him. the way the face looks to me is the key part. it's not rational, but it has worked for me quite well so far. my suspicion is that other people around me also employ such intuitive and quick judgements, since i don't have many friends and i constantly get pushed to the periphery of a group of acquaintances (in uni for example). a similar situation is occuring to you i reckon.

>>25616 I've not killed myself yet, tempting as it may be, so I must be doing something right.

just the fact of getting a new job after this pandemic is sending shivers down my spine. I lost my job in early January, and barely worked in december. I applied for jobs and even went to 2 job interviews, and failed both of them. After that the corona soykaf started. Theres no vacancies online but just the fact i have to go through this soykaf is just making me nauseous and anxiety riddled. the fact i barely have any job experiences and i will never use my com college degree makes me want to go under the table and choke myself out

I'm a loser. I feel like I'm always behind everyone. My whole life for me has been like trying to swim up a waterfall. I never get to enjoy the catharsis of victory. I never got to fulfill my objectives. I've grinded, I've fought to no avail. I can't believe I'll remain like this forever, always losing, always being a victim of my unfulfilled desires. I have lived my whole life under the pretense that "it will get better". I've waited and waited and waited. It hasn't. If another person irresponsibly tell me "it's gonna be alright" I might puke out of anxiety.

How can you possibly deal with so much regret in your life Lain? Everyday, ever since I left high school I have been thinking about how if I did things differently, I could of been a better person or perhaps just a slightly happier one. If maybe I actually took chances in my school life (and now recently my adult life) instead of being an indolent coward, then maybe I actually like myself. Thoughts like these have been rummaging through my head constantly, and I wrestle with my consciousness daily which is honestly my worst enemy. It especially doesn't help when I basically live my life as such an isolated recluse that even hermits would be jealous of such a feat of total isolation. I stay inside my room everyday and sleep the day away, only coming out for food, and yet despite sleeping so much I still wake up tired. The dreams I have while sleeping are very vivid and surreal something close to a hallucination in all honesty, I think it may be due in part to Narcolepsy, although I'm not the one to self-diagnosis. These "dreams" consist of some deep symbolism I think, yet I ignore the symbols. I legitimately believe that it is my subconsciousness telling me to follow its advice, but I do not care as I fill most of my day with cheap entertainment to avoid such "bad thoughts". As a result of my choices, my brain is turning rather smooth and into utter soykaf. My past haunts me, but not because of what I did, but of what I didn't do.

>>25623 Regret is a useless emotion, lainon. You cannot change the past, so it is pointless to muse about what you would do if you could. Instead, think about what you are going to do in the future.

I actually have about 2 pages worth of my greviences written in my notes but it all basically boils down to the fact that I'm mentally behind everyone else my age by about 6-7 years (putting me at early high school level now). Not only has it taken me so long to get control of my emotions and autistic whims (which still aren't fully under control) I feel genuinely stupid, probably due to my ADHD and poor lifestyle. I should be an expert NEET by now but I wasted most of my life sleeping and literally just being alone by myself, no internet or stimulus, so even with NEETs and otaku I'm behind. I've never had an actual job beyond retail and office work so I have no idea how the real world works, I dont know how people do adult things or illegal things or anything, I know about as much of world as I did in middle school, and I'm about to graduate college now. I didn't even know what to do with a girlfriend when I got my first one at 21, so of course that lasted less than a week. I wish I had all the information I wanted, I wish I thought like a normal human but I'm just this autistic wreck who is stuck on this predetermined path of mediocrity. I just want more information, I want more knowledge than anyone else, I want to be a leader, someone people looks up to, but I've already failed so much I dont know if I can make it. I guess most of all I just want to make myself be important to someone. Like I want to be the head of my own friend group, the boss of a company, or at the very least a good boyfriend but I'm just too autistic to accomplish any of that. I hope someone reads this, I really need answers right now.

Feeling way too depressed today to the point it physically hurts and I can't get myself to sleep. Feels like self-harm, I hate it. >>25625 Why do you wish to be in a position of power over others so much? You can be important to someone while just being their equal. And I'm sorry, I have no answer to give you other than a (You). I hope it's better than nothing, at the very least.

>>25626 I guess I'm just an attention whore even though I hate to admit it. I never had a whole lot of friends growing up and was never well regarded by people around my age (mostly my fault) Maybe I just want people to rely on me as some kind of validation that Im competent. But it seems that I cant really do much without messing up Also funny you say you cant sleep, when I was depressed I always tried to sleep as much as possible, just to get me out of the world for a while. But if you cant sleep you might can try getting up and doing something small like cleaning your room

>>25627 I gave up on trying long ago. I don't really care anymore and honestly, it's for the better. It hurts way less this way than to hold onto hope. And yeah, that's fair. I assumed as much. And I wouldn't say you're an attention whore, you just want people to validate your existence since you can't on your own. I'm like that too. I used to be in an (online) relationship once with someone who relied on me a lot for comfort and social interactions, we basically talked all day. It felt fuarrrking fantastic like my life finally had some meaning, easily the happiest year of my life. I miss it so much even though it was pretty toxic for both of us. Sadly, things fell through after a while (it was just a matter of time, really) and it hurt me a ton, making my social anxiety even worse. ...I'm not sure where I'm getting with this other than venting a bit at your expense, I guess. But yeah, it is like kicking dead whales down the beach to be like this. I hate it. I'd much rather be in a relationship like that again than to how my life is right now.

>>25624 I knew exactly that someone was going to write this. It is much easier said then done. It is akin to telling somebody with depression to simply "stop being sad". I am aware that grieving over my regrets in life is an unhealthy way to live, yet I continue to do it nonetheless, despite knowing better. Another line of advice you may give is to simply "move on" with my life and remember not to repeat the same actions again. However, what's even worse is that when an opportunity/scenario appears when I am in the exact same situation as before, I still do the same exact thing ultimately causing me to regret it again but 2x now. Is it perhaps some men's destinies in life to just suffer as much as possible, despite their best wishes?

>>25615 It's pretty crazy how our society is pushing for all sort of euphemisms like "neurodiverse" and other soykaf like that, but then there are terms like "treatment resistant" like it's not the treatment that is the problem, it's the person that is faulty because he doesn't become happy under the influence of drugs. It's literally as if they were treating a cancer, they have no consideration at all for people's psychology. It's all "chemicals" to them, and if you adjust this or that the meat machine starts working correctly again. Depression is the biggest fuarrrking joke of the medicine world. We're going through a phase of social engineering and the suicide rates are just eugenics. People who feel unhappy in this cynical soykafty world full of creatures that barely resemble human beings are just told to adapt or die. Become an insect in the hive, drug yourself to become one, convince yourself to become one, or shoot yourself.

>>25630 Anti-psychiatry gang I really need to read Deleuze and Guattari

>>25630 >Become an insect in the hive, drug yourself to become one, convince yourself to become one, or shoot yourself. what would a world look like where that wasn't the case? i would contend that any world that appears to not require adaptation actually does, only to a broader standard not trying to endorse the current hive ofc

>>25632 There'a difference between adaptation and self-annihilation.

>>25633 opposites in fact, when the thing you are adapting to is the world no?

>>25629 This is the kind of thing CBT helps with. Recognize when you start musing on your regrets, and actively make the choice to not think about it. That last part is important. Now for some bitter medicine you probably don't want to swallow; you need to ask yourself whether you actually want to change. You might think you do, but if your aren't prepared to do the work to get there, you have to accept that deep down you really don't. Whether it's because you're workshy and want to avoid the struggle or because you actually enjoy wallowing in your own hatred and pity or whatever your reason is, you need to be honest with yourself and understand it. Having done that, you can make the choice about whether you change or whether you stay. Neither option is the right; in the long run they are both equally worthless. The important thing is that you make the choice. Don't just get swept along by your own passivity and inability to act.

>>25585 You'll never be satisfied with your relationships with that mindset, whether people like you or not. You cannot control the opinions people have about you, it's completely out of your control (unless you were insulting them on purpose, which I doubt) so it's completely useless to tryhard being liked by people, right? If you're looking for advice I'd say the best you can do is to identify problems in your personality and slowly build upon improving them. Don't ask people what they dislike about you either, this won't serve any purpose as you'll make yourself a slave to other peoples opinions which will always be misleading, as unless you've harmed them directly people will only lie to you about why the dislike you. No one is perfect, I know you can name a few faults within you, start working on them right away. After that comes what for me is the most difficult part: stepping out of your comfort zone and meeting new people. Once you do it regularly though, you'll notice that there's a virtually limitless amount of interesting people you can interact with and there's no need to please someone who doesn't like you as a result of that. Someone will eventually like the improved you. Just take care to remember that the opinions of the people that like you are also out of your control, so there's no need to worry about losing them. Don't intend to please someone whom you dislike, there's enough people in the world to give you the attention you deserve.

>>25581 Lifting/getting into physical fitness isn't a bad advice either...

>>25623 I have the same feeling but instead of fear for missing out it's fear of what I did. I missed up big time in High School, I was racist because I thought it was funny (thanks internet) I acted mentally ill because I was dying of boredom, and I made friends that were into some disgusting thing because they were the only ones who talked to me (and yes they all left me later on). If I could have one more chance to go back to the past and slap some sense into myself or anything literally anything then I would have taken it. Be grateful that you are not me and have a future ahead of you because for me ... the road ahead is short and the road back is all but emptiness

>>25625 Funny that you posted umineko with that those words because I never finished umineko, thus felt apart. From what I can see the all of the things you've talked about minus the mental ones seems like vanity. Who cares if you missed out on "otaku culture" it's all but consumption after consumption of the next trash that comes out, after all don't all otakus whether admittedly or not believe "anime is trash, and so am I?", you will have another chance to meet another girlfriend, the basic I can recommenced and I know it sounds weird is to google your problem or to a subreddit dedicated to a certain problem your going through, find a threads on that problem and see how they did things.

>>25621 I literally cannot give any advice other than hang in there, things will get worse with the corona virus despise what the politicians and doctors are saying. Demands for low level and technical stuff will be needed, so be on the lookout for those

I'm just afraid of falling into delusion. To become a gullible Sisyphus. There are so many people that follow cults, and yet how do I know whether or not my value system is cultish? Why do I cling onto money? Why do I need to make money? What are friends, or is that another spook? Is it all in my head, or is essence about action? Are we really just doomed to go over mistakes and mistakes again and again without an answer... And those that you call mentors do the same thing. Would I be happier believing, or unable to see what is the source of my misery? Epiphany after epiphany, but I suppose no amount of knowledge will wipe away all the pain ahead. It just doesn't make sense, and most things that were once valuable are just incidental. I could have everything, and I think it'd just be dirt.

>>25661 >Why do I cling onto money? >Why do I need to make money? Because society is coercive and forces you at gunpoint to do so. You don't want to starve to death or die freezing in the middle of the streets, do you? It's beyond your power. Unless you want to embrace a more illegalist anarchistic lifestyle, but it's not for everyone. We're all subjugated to Leviathan. >What are friends, or is that another spook? Friends are people you share your time with not because a 'sacred' tells you so, but because you enjoy your time with them. It pleases you, it makes you happy. It's a choice and if for some reason it stops being so, it's not friendship anymore. It degenerates into something else entirely. I can't really help you with the other points, but based on what I can gather from your post, I'd recommend you read Renzo Novatore if you haven't already. I think you might get something out of it.

I lost a cat that was close to my heart today. The hardest part was that I couldn't even say goodbye in person because of coronavirus. My boyfriend was even closer to him than I was and I can only imagine what he is feeling right now. I haven't heard from him since he held them in his arms in the cats last moments. I am happy to know that he lived a long and happy life and that eases the pain. Its been a few hours since then and I have added the cat to my coin. I light a candle and hold my coin over the flame so that wherever I go I will take him with me. I don't know why I do these rituals but I guess it helps me to come to terms with such things. I have always been closer to my pets rather than people. Just hope my boyfriend is managing and that I can see him soon so we can mourn for our cat. I loved that cat and will remember him.

I don't know where to ask that, so I will ask here, I need advice. I am doing AI course in uni, and I already made first required project in group with girl. I did technical stuff, while she wrote documentation, it was fine, but now I started second project and I doubt she can help me in any way. Basically I have this idea, that I can build this rule-based system and use it to both own this homework, as well as use it for my bachelor thesis. I started getting into subject of bachelor thesis like year ago, last week I learned new language and read new research paper, problem is I dont really need help of this girl. But problem is, If I just wont contact her and then I send homework without her name on it, she may freak out and think I am asshole. But what if she does not contact me first asking me, if she can do homework with me? Do I need to ask her, if she wants to do project with me? I dont want to act like beta male and like beg someone to take credit for my work, but I don't want to make enemies too

>>25624 theres nothing i can do in the future >>25635 >CBT get over yourself

Programming and computers are honestly boring. I wish i didnt realize this so late in life as now theres nothing else i can do

I need help. I need real, human help and I need it more than I ever did in my entire life, but after years of complete social isolation I forgot how to do this soykaf. I've been laughed at or treated with brutal indifference so many times in my life I can't act genuinely anymore. I have lost all trust in others and my confidence and self-esteem are non existent so I have a hard time revealing anything that is vaguely specific about myself. I can't even tell a joke without being overwhelmed by paranoia, and it turns out my speech has become weird. I'm not even sure if I register as sane to others anymore. I have lost all ability to read people as well, I feel threatened by everything they do or say. Every act or conversation that happens outside of the safety net of anonymity makes me incredibly stressed, but the things I want to share dearly are strictly personal and would automatically expose myself. I live most of my life in this torn apart state and it's utterly unbearable. That was the whole point about socializing online, I could be myself without fear of ridicule like it always happened IRL but now I am aware that it's even worse than real life, and the two worlds are so interconnected there might as well be no distinction anymore. I can only manage with anonymity or changing usernames as frequently as possible but the spaces where I can talk to others risk-free are not the spaces I need. Every time I meet someone I feel like getting closer to and I test the waters I have to back out. I don't even know what is real and what is not, it's like everyone is 100% hostile 100% of the time. I feel like I am going insane and it's the worst feeling in the world, there is no worse thing than losing your grip on reality. I don't know what to do. It doesn't even matter where or what or who, this soykaf paints everything black, I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to live a life completely ruled by terror but this has been my dimension for the better part of 10 years and I don't know how to leave or change things. I don't want to go back to the psychiatrists, they made things so much worse. I can't afford private healthcare. I don't feel like I have gone off the far end yet, I just have to find some trust in others and some confidence. If anybody only gave me support for the one thing I care about, that would be my world but how the hell do I even find myself in that position? My world view is getting darker and darker, more and more hopeless, I'm not sure if anybody wants to be near me anymore. I have become this beacon of negativity that also needs human contact, I can't manipulate others because it's against my nature, I can't talk the talk, I'm not even sure I am compatible. Maybe I am not going crazy at all and this is just who I am and I'm just that badly incompatible. I'm so tired. I sleep 3-4 hours a night, when I lay down and I try to sleep it's like I'm warped into a nightmare and I have to sleep with a killer at my bedside. It's the moment where I am supposed to unwind and it turns out to be even more tense than the rest of the day. I'm not even sure how long my body will hold up to this much stress 24/7.

>>25670 >3-4 hours a night First and maybe most importantly, sleep more. Sleep deprivation is likely doing more harm than you realize. I know some of us wish we were robots, but we're not, and the fact is that a lack of sleep can have serious detrimental effects on cognition and mood. In case that's too clinical to be motivating, I'll rephrase: not sleeping is (likely) making you think and feel significantly worse. Do whatever you have to do in order to sleep. If you can get melatonin, that's a good choice. (Hopefully you aren't in the UK since someone apparently convinced the British that melatonin was an incredibly dangerous substance.) That said, I have been considering similar ideas lately. The Wired used to be an effective escape route, but it seems that it has merged with the "real world" in the worst way, and yet my habits remain. Both realms (to the degree that they can still be said to be separate) have suffered for it. In my view, insanity is rising like a tide throughout the populace, in terms of both increasing hostility and reduced ability to discern truth. Paradoxically, the best way to react to the train wreck may well be looking away from it. So tell me, what do you still enjoy, Lain? Would you mind describing your interests and passions for me? What do you like doing alone? What would you like to be doing with others, under ideal circumstances? What about the simple pleasures? Can you still draw satisfaction from food, drink, going for walks, and the like?

>>25671 >Can you still draw satisfaction from food, drink, going for walks, and the like? No, I rarely enjoy anything. I hate littering the internet with my crap and I never got anything out of it anyway, but I think people are not becoming insane, the world is just more Darwinian than ever and I fail at adapting. I am the most inflexible person I can imagine. I cannot find a purpose for myself beyond things I have absolutely no talent or aptitude for, or that I should have started doing a decade earlier. I simply cannot compete but I also cannot accept a life of wage slavery somewhere doing something I hate and then coming home to watch Netflix or play videogames before sleep. I don't want my life to be this sort of thing. I never wanted children or something traditional, I wanted recognition but I have no right to it. Not even people who do have the right can get it, so I cannot feel entitled to it. But I still feel useless and without this goal I have no worth. I know there are people who have worth even without this sort of purpose but I don't. I have no other use. You can use a dull chisel as a screwdriver but I'm like a clock that can't tell the time right, what the hell can I ever be good for? This is what all that stuff comes from. It's because I failed at life, I failed at the purpose I wanted myself to have in this world, I failed to get what I wanted the most. I made a huge, terrible effort to get real and abandon this pursuit but I never thought that things would get so much worse without the carrot on a stick to keep me going. I can't set myself on that path again. I'm just done, I can't go back, I've burned it all. This is way too painful to talk about and I doubt anything will happen by the end of the day. I might just crash on the bed for a while. At night I take pills to get a couple hours more sleep but I don't always take them because I don't want to become a benzo addict. I sleep like soykaf either way, I get nightmares, I wake up drenched in sweat. I feel like I'm totally screwed like a mouse in a cage.

>>25670 Yeah, i'd have to agree with the other lainanon saying that sleep depravtion will make you feel worse, it's just so important to get enough sleep, most people can't function properly with like less of 6 hours of sleep. The only advice i can give you is to do exposure therapy and just talk with people that give you anxiety. i can fully empathise with you, talking or seeing normal people usually also gives me anxiety, but maybe try to get some actual sleep and form relations with people, even online.

>>25662 That quote has no meaning in 2020. The tramps , inaccessibles, unique ones and rulers over the ideal need to market themselves and trim their edges until they fit the mold if they want to be even seen. Things will only get worse. Even healthcare will lean on crowdfunding soon, your ability to make a tearjerker video while looking good on camera will determine if you live or die. There is no revolution that can be done.

>I forgot, personality.

I've been trying to learn drawing for a couple of years now, and I realized a few days ago that I've been learning it completely backwards. I started with learning perspective despite not having good linework, observation skills or any prior experience in "proper" drawing. Not to mention that the perspective I taught myself is also incredibly messed up, and it bleeds into all of my drawings. What makes it worse is that "absolute fundamentals -> perspective" approach is something a lot of people apparently know about and it's something that's included into a lot of "drawing guide" images as well, the ones I didn't bother to read or disregarded completely. I hate this, I hate the countless hours I've wasted essentially sabotaging my drawing skills. I'm not sure I wish to continue, I'm not sure I can unlearn the shіtty foundation I've got, I'm not sure I'm going to get good. fuarrrk this gay earth. I want to die.

>>25690 I have no idea what your end goal is but depending on what you want to do, starting off with perspective can't possibly harm you.

God i hate gamblers, my dad lost so much money with that soykaf and still gambles to this day

how do i get a hobby i dont get it

>>25722 >try new things out for a bit >dont like it then start something new >rinse and repeat

>>25564 I'm too weak and lazy to change any aspect of my life for the better, so I have chosen to just skulk around in communities full of depressives to interact with them and exchange thoughts until I gather the courage to kill myself.

>>25722 You have to explore a bit. You can guess where to start by thinking back to the things you liked as a kid. There is usually something specific that drew you into the things you like. I think everyone has a pattern.

>>25722 For me it was a matter of seeing other people do things and thinking "it would be neat if I could do that" and then taking steps to get there.

i don't like travelling, i don't like the concept of it nor do i enjoy just walking around and seeing some old buildings, or walking into tourist traps or places where people have been a gazillion times. i'm pretty vocal about not liking traveling and it feels like i'm the only one with that thought. It's maybe because i have anxiety and am an introvert that leads to my conclusion but i just don't see the 'fun' in travelling to some place to hangout and do literally nothing but to stare at some buildings, i guess im just boring.

>>25743 >look at the buildings, take some selfies, exit through the gift shop travel as you have described it is travel by normals, i.e. focused on things. most are afraid of meaninglessness, and so must convince themselves that their trip was meaningful by telling everyone so (granted, some actually like historical buildings and such). there are three solutions: a. engage this kind of travel at an appropriately unimportant level. there is something to be said for buildings/museums/what have you, just no need to invest in finding some deep meaning. go to your local ones. b. make it meaningful. either travel as a means of pursuing some other activity you find meaningful (event, friend in another city etc.) or spend a longer time, and learn/integrate into the culture. c. don't travel at all. just because normals like something doesn't mean you have to.

I don't really know how I'm managing to do anything. I can't work up the energy to take care of myself or do homework but somehow I am actually making progress on my personal projects. >>25743 I'm with ya lain. The only time I actually enjoyed traveling was when my family went to Hilo HI, because you can kinda just wander around in the jungle. Even then I couldn't get over the idea that I was sort of "intruding" on the people who live there. I grew up in a tourist town and I know how annoying tourists can be without realizing it, and how much they fuarrrk up the local housing market with AirBnB's. >>25744 Very good advice.

>>25743 I kind of agree with you but looking at old building can mean a lot depending on your final intent. If you just go to a country to take a selfie in the tourist spot or to steal a stone of the monument to carry home as a souvenir, then yeah it's retarded and it makes no sense. Take it a bit like going to a museum, there are people who just take photos of the soykaf so they have something to bring back home. You can learn stuff and experience the things in person. If you have specific skills you can also study the things you see to figure out even more information. If you read up on the destination's culture, maybe learn a bit of the language, and you go in places that aren't strictly aimed at tourists (unless the country's a soykafty country), the experience of traveling can be enriching. At least it was for me because I'm poor af and I've only been abroad 4 times.

i honestly really like LC, it's not as edgy/toxic as 4chan but not normal person as reddit, although i despise both those places i still visit them because how high traffic it is.

>>25779 I honestly believe that 4chan roots your brain out. Every board is unusable, I know that I'm not suppose to take 4chn seriously since it's board where people come to have fun but I honestly am over it, only thing you should be doing on there is browsing certain threads instead of boards, it's filled with too many false information, 4ch should be more thread oriented than board oriented, it's too late.

>>25722 recently got into linux & programming because windows 10 is too heavy for my PC. I think you should try to find something tech related since you are here

>>25723 >>25729 >>25739 ive never been able to do that. when i was a kid id stare at a wall if i had nothing to do and just wait for the next day of school >>25787 i hate tech, its really boring and i even studied it in university

>>25786 What do you mean? I'm having fun filtering the fuarrrk out of a specific board but I'm curious to know how are you picturing this thread oriented thing.

>>25788 >I can't do that a lot of people say "can't" when they really mean "haven't" >tech is boring yup. There's a million other things to do though.

>>25789 check out /vg/ on 4ch, you'll know what i'm talking about, and filtering only works on some boards and not all.

>>25788 what specificity in tech did you study? and what have you done with it?

I've been exercising for about three weeks now. I feel no better, mentally or physically. All that's changed is that I can run for a few minutes. I don't know why I thought it would fix me.

>>25786 well, i totally agree with you people soykaf on reddit for being normal person, and i do agree with them that redditors are normal people but you can have an actual discussion on there with good answers, while on 4chan you need a picture of a chick's ass to attract few people and hope you get some decent answers.

I believe that I am incapable of true love, I can't love a person for who they are, instead I gravitate towards physically attractive people, even if they're shallow or I find them annoying. I can't help it. I've broken another person's heart like that: they had their own problems, but they were genuinely nice and caring, and yet I couldn't feel anything for them because they weren't physically attractive in my opinion. And right now I can't stop thinking about a person who is a drinker, a smoker, probably borderline, somewhat of a party animal, but who is attractive. I would never date them, but I can't stop obsessing over them. This entire problem doesn't exactly bother me that much, but I do find unsettling the idea that I may never experience something as supposedly universal as romantic attraction.

>>25684 >That quote has no meaning in 2020 >The tramps , inaccessibles, unique ones and rulers over the ideal need to market themselves and trim their edges until they fit the mold if they want to be even seen. >There is no revolution that can be done How did you manage to misunderstand the quote this badly? Yes, revolution won't happen, yes healthcare is like kicking dead whales down the beach, yes society is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Nothing will be done to change it, and that's exactly the point. So why not rebel yourself? What do you have to lose? Go against the system, live your life on your terms. Don't wait for the revolution, as Novatore says, for you can live it in the now. And not like this is impossible either, just look at all those squatters, shoplifters, arsonists, etc out there. These are the tramps that refuse to live in society and instead are doing their own thing. It's not about being 'seen' and it never has been, it's about living your life with no restrictions - liberation.

>>25800 Femoid hands typed this post

>>25779 LC is just the slice of 4chan users who want to be taken seriously while having no right to it.

>>25804 >while having no right to it. And why's that?

>>25804 >while having no right to it. what are you even talking about you schizo

>>25800 what? then just date someone who is attractive and has a nice personality, i honestly don't get your point, maybe that party animal person is actually nice? you just have to put on standards when dating, so if someone is ugly but has a nice personality try to find someone with both.

>>25664 bump, still need advice

I have started going to /r9k/. I avoided the place for years, thinking that associating with losers and identifying with them would seal my fate, which was probably true when i was 15. But now im 21 and i feel like its the only place i can find people who feel the same as me and have a similar situation. Its surprisingly less vitriolic and soykafpost, i thought it was just /p0l/ with sex as a theme but its much more mellow. I shouldnt go there, but its killing me that i cant anywhere else find sympathy. Theres a million songs for not having love but barely any for never having even kissed someone. It makes me feel like im a broken and weird person. But at least on /r9k/ i know that there are other people going through the same thing as me in a way that my friends cant understand.

>>25809 Can't you just tell them you want to do the work alone? Is group work mandatory and can she find other people to work with? If she would be kind of screwed if you went solo maybe try and see if you can expand the project to find more work, i go to uni as well and ive had people save my ass that i once did most of the work for on other assignments.

>>25810 /r9k/ never really did it for but for some reason /hum/ does, especially /vent/ and the mental health thread

>>25810 I imagine it could make the problem worse. Though at the same time I can't offer any good alternative except here since I've also never been kissed or found much of a solution. I mean I'm a better person than like a year ago but still no success with women. In fact thanks to quarantine, the girl I was about to ask out is gonna be gone forever now.

>>25810 i HIGHLY recommend you to stay off /r9k/ it is not worth it at all and it's genuinely bad for your mental health, it's literally poison.

>>25814 I don't think that someone "ready" for /r9k/ will take your advice. Not when someone speaks of it like > i thought it was just /p0l/ with sex as a theme but its much more mellow. because it is sex-themed /poo/ >>25810 Nothing wrong with it. Just try not to take any of it seriously, because 90% of posts you think are from mellow robots are from either larping normal people or people trying to push their agenda. r9kgay is all right, if that floats your boat. Some `autistic soykaf you do` are comfy too

>>25796 if you're starting from zero, it will take much longer than three weeks to see any significant gains. It also won't "fix" you. It will just make you more physically fit. As in being able to run farther and that kind of thing.

>>25796 i don't know THAT much about cardio, i mainly do weightlifting but you won't 'automatically' feel or look better with just running, what is exactly your goal, to lose weight? because abs are made in the kitchen, with running you will feel better mentally since it release endorphines and all that other good stuff, but running alone won't change you physically if you don't track your diet properly.

>>25810 it's literally /b/ but worst because it's all about "femabot", and it's not that hard to pretend to be someone who you aren't

>>25822 >>25823 I'm running solely to get some exercise because I've lived a sedentary life for the last 2 decades and I know that isn't healthy. I don't have issues with my figure or anything like that since I'm not fat. I don't really want to get /fit/ either. Should I be worried that I don't feel any better during or after running? I've been told it would improve my mood, but it just hasn't done anything. I don't feel worse, but I'm still sad all the time.

>>25831 Stick with it for a while, it might take you a few months to see any results.

At this point, I don’t see how I am going to avoid killing myself. My grandfather is dying of stage 4 pancreatic cancer and myelodysplastic syndrome as I write this. I am stuck here with my entire family, and they do not love me. My parents and sister have all been verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholics my entire life. Because of this, I was not able to get my fibromyalgia and variety of comorbidities diagnosed until this year, 10 years after their onset at age 14. Because of this, I was unable to get into a good university. Because of this, I have no friends at all. I have an iq of 140, a socially awkward demeanor, and want nothing more out of life than to study mathematics and have some that truly loves me. Instead, I have hardly a thing at all. We are starting to run out of money, and I don’t know what to do. I am becoming scared, desperate, and need to kill myself.

I am bisexual and live in an extremely conservative area as well

>>25836 That is terrible lain, but since you have nothing to lose as an alternative why not run away. Who knows what you might find and you can always die later. Just pack whatever you have and walk to some place you think you might want to be, mountains, lake or desert. Its sad people committing suicide without trying to make a radical change first and you dont die so pathetically but take a chance and die trying.

>>25838 >Its sad people committing suicide without trying to make a radical change first and you dont die so pathetically but take a chance and die trying. this

>>25838 >>25840 Not that lainon, but It's not that easy, sadly. I always tell myself that whenever I'm feeling suicidal - to use that energy to instead run away and see what comes out of it. But I know it's not the same thing. It's far easier to just take your life than to radically change it, the former doesn't require constant effort and will. You do it once and that's that. I'd love to do what >>25662 and >>25802 are advocating, but I just can't muster the courage and will to do so.

>>25841 >but I just can't muster the courage and will to do so. if you can muster the courage and will to kill yourself, you must have literally overcome your fear of death, and someone who is not afraid of death finds that many barriers which seem impassible are not.

>>25841 You are right, i used to be depressed and suicidal so i know what its like in that pit. But it doesnt change that its better alternative to take the chance of a new life and find something worth living for rather than wasting that chance. Its true it requires courage and effort but i think it is worth it when you have nothing to lose, but you have potentially to gain. The world is a large place and i can promise you there are places out there where you can find piece, but you have to look for it. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want out of life, you may not win but atleast try.

>>25842 But it's not a constant, as I said. It's one thing to momentarily overcome the fear of death or dissociate enough it doesn't bother you to take your own life, but can you keep that up? I've had times where I did overcome that fear to seriously consider doing it (though other circumstances stopped me from actually going through with it), but after a while it just comes back. >>25843 I don't disagree it's worth it - I genuinely believe it is. I just think it's far harder than to take your own life.

>>25838 Ik, I’m considering just disappearing to a really large city and continuing my career as a chef, but with my condition it will be a really hard life. Well I slept 12 hours after typing that, and will live to see another day. Some days get awfully scary though, and I’m not sure if I will try something stupid. I would be on antidepressants if they wouldn’t turn me into a gambling addict

>>25864 I want to move somewhere with really good maths libraries, like Boston or somewhere. That way I will at least have more books and maybe even meet similar minds to keep me going. But I’m not sure I could ever afford living in an area like that

>>25865 I just feel like I may be able to change some things about my life, but I cannot change who I am. And who I am is a guy that needs to get a math Phd so he can be around people like him

How can I have more emotional intelligence? For the first time in my life I get to feel the joy of having good and caring friends and then I just ruin eveything because I'm inmature, dumb and can't understand how people work or my thoughts. I feel like I've been left behind by everyone. How do I grow up?

>>25871 >I just ruin eveything because I'm inmature, dumb and can't understand how people work or my thoughts. >How can I have more emotional intelligence? To start, let your each potential your friend, whether you're already friends or not, that you have low emotional intelligence, and that you'd like help learning to have higher emotional intelligence. Be explicit and exact and unequivocal about this, and, if it seems that he is willing to accept that this is how you are now, or to help, insist that he gives you an explicit, exact, unequivocal statement to that effect. It doesn't have it be in writing, only to make sure there isn't any miscommunication about this, and so that each is able to keep each to his word about this---keep to your word about this, keep each him to his word about this---or lose the relationship. If he'll accept that you have low emotional intelligence and tolerate your actions that a higher emotional intelligence might have prevented, then he's OK. If he's willing to help you improve your emotional intelligence, then he's good. If he'll dog you with advice about each small your error, he's great. If he's all that, and good in bed, marry him. (That last sentence was a joke.) What will happen is that most persons with whom you would have problems will elect to be less involved in your life, which will curtail the chances of those problems occurring, and whoever elects to be more involved with your life will know exactly what he's getting into, so that if a problem occurs, it's not unexpected, and you and he shall be ready to (become ready to) deal with the problem.

>>25871 As for ``How do I grow up?,'' that's not an easy question to answer. People that I knew suggested for me to read specific literature about my particular emotional unintelligence; That approach was too boring for my tastes. The other advice, which did work well, was to ``sherlock holmes'' it, as I described in >>25873.

i try to make 'friends' online, say my interests or add others but the conversation dies down fast, the only discord community im part of is my MMO's servers but that's it. it's so hard to bond with people these days, it's just rinse and repeat whenever i talk with people online and it dies down fast. i'm a introvert but that doesn't mean i'm a social outcast, i enjoy talking with people and i still cry myself to sleep because i'm lonely, my only best friend in my life was my ex-partner, other than that i'm fuarrrking alone, yet again!! how amazing.

>>25884 Stop using discord ffs, use irc/matrix instead. You'll be able to find cooler people to talk to.

>>25885 >use irc/matrix instead i imagine old men/IT nerds using that mainly though.

>>25886 Not necessarily, it depends on the channel/server. Another huge advantage which it has is that it respects your privacy. If you want to voice chat there's mumble.

>>25887 how do you find matrix/riot.im servers though?

>>25885 Riot and matrix is nice but the mods are just extremely rude about things

>>25888 When making an account you can chose which public server you want to register (or perhaps if you want to host an instance of your own). After you're registered you can chose which public room you want to join, or alternatively you can create your own.

how do i find something to do in this technological system we call society if i cant learn or do anything with technology. will i just never have any kind of job satisfaction now?

>>25892 You mean coding and such?

>>25810 Say what you will about /r9k/, but /adv/ is the far worse board. It singlehandedly made me lose all faith in humanity and pushed me dangerously close to suicide. I didn't mind normal users, but finding out their inner workings, how they think, and (above all) how eager they are to kick someone when they're down just disgusted me to my core. Posters are incredibly heartless and Machiavellian. Their advice boils down to "fuarrrk the feelings of everyone else, just focus on yourself at all times." I do not want to believe that board is representative of the general populace. It genuinely disgusts me. The fact that people can't think "how would I feel if I was on the receiving end of this?" or, worse, choose to ignore it really upsets me. I also find they're incredibly mean to lonely people who want advice as basic as how to meet people and make a friend. /r9k/ may be an awful place, but in years of posting, not once did the anons there make me feel so utterly devoid of hope or self-worth that I seriously considered taking my life.

>>25894 jesus, never knew there was a worse board than /r9k/, how are you now doing lain?

>>25892 "job satisfaction" is some soykaf anyway. The only people who are 'satisfied with their job' are either one of the lucky few who does something that they genuinely think helps the world, or fuarrrking drones who can only measure their self-worth by how productive they are for their corporate masters.