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Am i just a really unfortunate guy or is friendship just a meme/myth? i'm 23 and the overwhelming majority of my supposed 'friends' since childhood tried to fuarrrk me over numerous times, or were using me for their own benefit. i'm left with paranoia and trust issues what's your experience with IRL people like, lains?

Often times the people that complain that everyone "fuarrrks them over" and does them wrong have issues.

>>23715 Aside from what this lain says, yeah. Everybody is going to disappoint you at some point if you get close enough, but that's not necessarily a problem. Remember that you are disappointing everyone as well. Watch out for the ego. It's part of being human; we are not perfect. We don't mean to hurt one another most of the time, and even when we do mean to it's usually out of insecurity or misunderstanding and people always feel justified in their own mental world. And as I said, you do this too. We all do. There's a reason forgiveness is the most holy act. Usually it's better to be let down from time to time rather than give up on everyone. Note I say "usually:" there are exceptions. I don't know your specific situation, could use more detail. But there do exist truly horrible people in the world that you shouldn't strive to forgive and stick around. Sometimes running away does solve certain problems. Rarely, but it does happen. Just don't run away from everybody.

I'm surrounded by a number of great friends and they are my reason for living. A few of them are like family to me. Of course, they disappoint me sometimes, and I fail them too, but true friendship is a very tough bond. You are very unfortunate, or maybe I'm just lucky.

The mindset of 'friends' as a thing you can 'have' that makes you more accomplished or your life more enjoyable, I think is in fact a bad meme. With that line of thought, of course everyone is going to be in selfish competition. It's better to think of a friend as just someone you like and try to help. No point in expecting anything from people.

Friendship isn't a meme or a myth, but it is elusive. Honestly the best strategy is to spread out the feelers and get to know a fair number of people who share interests with you. From there, prune back to a select couple. Repeat a few times until you have a circle of 10 or so. During this step, do not put yourself into a compromising position, but be open to helping your candidates. Once you have your group of up to 10, prioritize them based on how much you trust them and they seem to trust you. Open up. Don't be afraid to discard the idiots.

I was listening to an interview by Ben Sasse (American senator, Nebraska) the other day, who apparently runs an entertaining Twitter account. His interlocutor asked him if he wrote all of his tweets himself, and Sasse remarked that he did, and that his tweets were mostly for the entertainment of "his family, and a few college roommates". So then, that must be Ben Sasse's inner circle. The people closest to him (barring his family), his best friends, are his college roommates. That sounded familiar so I got to asking around and realized among the acquaintances I knew, maybe 70% of them described their roommate as their best friend. Asked the parents of friends, also "yeah, my best friend was an old roommate in college; haven't seen him in years..." It's strangely common. My takeaway wasn't that everybody's best friend is their roommate, but that friendship is rarely something transcendent and beautiful, a partnership of souls, but is more often something that springs of convenience. Forced to share space during formative years (probably the first years you spend away from your family)? Boom. "Lifelong best friend" discovered. Achievement unlocked. It's made me quite pessimistic about friendship. Do most people go their whole lives without experiencing transcendent human relationships? Are our lifelong companions decided by diceroll?

>>23718 I kind of agree with that last part on principle; it's a good ideal. But very hard to enact. Nobody can really have a lasting relationship with anyone without eventually expecting various things from them. Maybe just small things, but we can't help it at a certain point. Regardless, that's a good ideal to hold. Most people are in selfish competition, but unlike the kind of Randian mindset that's not the only side of the human psyche. There are also altruistic instincts that are not mere illusion no matter how they try to deny that. Maybe a bad meme, but an undeniable one. Everyone must believe that friends are a thing they can have, at least for a time. Everyone must believe that this will make life more enjoyable, or else become very isolated and usually very bitter. There are exceptions in people who are naturally very comfortable in solitude for the long term, but those people are rare. If anyone here is that kind of person, no judgement meant. I think that's kind of an admirable and very lucky circumstance to have sometimes. So long as it's genuine and you enjoy it, instead of merely being forced into it and denying that it is causing you pain. >>23720 This is wise advice. Spread a wide net, then go deeper. You shouldn't focus too hard on either breadth or depth. Go too deep with the first person you meet and you'll probably just have a lot of pain. You have to explore a good section of humanity. And "open up" is a sentence that deserves a whole book. Vulnerability is obviously often a weakness, but it is also a great source of power. When you learn to really understand what that means, it becomes one of your greatest assets. It's hard to explain. >>23721 Our companions are always somewhat a product of luck, but it's not a binary thing. We can influence it quite a bit. But obviously we won't get close to somebody on the other side of the globe if we never chance to meet them. But if one is diligent we can find quite a variety among the dice rolls we are dealt. Be discerning, but not too much. Be yourself and be open, but don't let people take advantage of you too long.

>>23715 >issues yeah there's an issue, i'm too fuarrrking forgiving and compassionate and kind towards people who won't do the same.

>>23714 Quiet stoicism is da whey, also >207.Indeed, he who moves in the company of fools grieves for longing. Association with fools is ever painful, like partnership with an enemy. But association with the wise is happy, like meeting one’s own kinsmen. >208.Therefore, follow the Noble One, who is stead-fast, wise, learned, dutiful and devout. One should follow only such a man, who is truly good and discerning, even as the moon follows the path of the stars. >210.Seek no intimacy with the beloved and also not with the unloved, for not to see the beloved and to see the unloved, both are painful. >211.Therefore hold nothing dear, for separation from the dear is painful. There are no bonds for those who have nothing beloved or unloved You can only be hurt if you trust other people... to be honest living alone and self sufficient is the best way to avoid suffering at the hands of others, but in a paradox, it is a painful adaptation to live in such isolation. People are generally self interested, and while I have known some very good people, they were all self destructive in their own ways. Just be comfortable trusting others to the extent your trust cannot damage you. Also perhaps choose a better peer group?

Why would you want friends?

>>24074 >Just be comfortable trusting others to the extent your trust cannot damage you I don't believe this is the way. To live is not to minimize suffering, but maximizing greatness, happiness, and satisfaction. If you can't take risks and allow yourself to be hurt, how are you gonna achieve a truly self-affirming life? Are you gonna spend your life as a hollow husk and die without ever exposing yourself to strong emotions? This is not a glorification of suffering, but the acknowledgement that you can't live (greatly) without suffering. Interacting sincerely with other people may hurt, but it is ultimately worth it, as the alternative is far more miserable. >Also perhaps choose a better peer group? This is the answer.

The vent thread has reached reply limit so since this is thread is about friendship I'm gonna tell my problem here and hopefully get some helpful replies. I had a fight with my best friend 8 month ago, he kept ignoring me when most of my friends were leaving me behind and my dad was really sick so since I had no one to support me at the time I said some real mean things to him on the phone. One month later, we met to try to fix things up, he said that I relied too much on him for help and he brought up a bunch of examples and said he needed to take some time for himself and that he'd call me. A month later he threw his 20th birthday party, invited everyone I know and also a bunch of strangers, I confronted him about it and we ended up screaming and we haven't talked since then. It's been 8 months already and I'm still not over it, I'm not even mad at him I'm just mad at myself for messing up. After the whole ordeal I spent a lot of time alone and now the only people I hang out with are drug dealers. I know this soykaf can't be fixed but how do I get over it? Where do I meet new friends I can open up with? Since quarantine started, it's been getting even worse, when I go on social media all I see is pictures of my old friends hanging out together. I know now is not the best time to make new friends so is there anyway to cope with this? I feel like my thoughts are getting more and more obsessive over a thing I should have let go a long time ago

>supposed 'friends' since childhood tried to fuarrrk me over numerous times, or were using me for their own benefit. Can you give examples? People say this kind of thing a lot

>>23714 It's not that friendship is a meme, it's that people just empty out by their mid 20s.

>>24514 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBnENlXt-H4 terry pratchett put it quite well.

>>24086 ah right, because nothing sounds self affirming as being a slave to nonsensical concepts like greatness.