vent / let it all out #14

I think I have reached the point of total hopelessness. The only reason I won't kill myself is I can't hurt my family. I'd like to do a few silly things I never had the courage to do, because I've got nothing left to lose, but what is the point? I'll never get any kind of reaction anyway, and I know this is what I'm hoping for. I hate being so goddamn resilient. I just want to give up and let go of myself, waste away quietly while keeping my mind busy with stupid stuff.

Previous: >>18891

>>19846 It was similar to when you naively search for 'how to kill yourself' and all you get is suicide helpline and bunch of trash trying to convince you that you shouldn't, only this time pedo themed. It wasn't logged-in chrome session but I had my accounts bound to the phone so basically I am fuarrrked for life. No wonder Snowden doesn't use any phone at all, I bet he very much so enjoys lolis too. >>19850 I can't seem to reproduce it now, perhaps google don't want to help you if it senses you have a Tor address. Perhaps try it for yourself, anon, if you are concerned by my post, big chance you have been blacklisted for a while now. Worst thing is is that I am not even some fuarrrking fat, 30yo, anime connoisseur, neckbeard, crossdresser, parents basement dweller, 4channel incel, outcast, catgirl-cuddling-cushions collector in his javascript socks. More than anything else I was curious how all that /b/ soykaf is even legal. But milk was spilled, any ideas what can I do with leftover part of my life that modern gods are going to let me live out after that incident?

>>19858 I don't know what you might have clicked on because I'm not a degenerate, but when my country blocked 8chan the domain displayed a scary warning from the govt that said the site hosted illegal content. Any person clicking on a link to 8chan would see that page. If landing there called for a spot in a watchlist it would have created a ton of false flags. Maybe it's what happened to you and now you can't reproduce it because you're using Tor. Where did the warning even appear? Your phone, the browser? >More than anything else I was curious how all that /b/ soykaf is even legal. What were you doing on /b/ you absolute deviant

>>19862 afaik it is like that with every single blocked chan. It looked somehow similar to picrel. It was just innocent tourism, like safari of some ill sort.

I'm not truly passionate about anything and I absolutely hate this. My interests are quite limited in scope, the interest I have for them is shallow, and it never goes beyond certain parts of things. I have absolutely nothing.

>>19862 I used to use librechan when it was a thing, not proud of it but I was shocked how that site wasn't blocked, literal honeypot

I know it's an immature thing to say, but I hate everybody. The flaws I hate the most in people are the same that the majority have.

Everybody leaves. Nobody stays. Why do people get up in the morning. I don't know what it's like to connect with other human beings. When people talk they are just spinning tapes at each other. Cue fake smiles and nods to hide their disinterest. I can watch their eyes glaze over when they speak to me. Empathy does not run on my hardware. I love the world of dreams. So much more interesting than this one. Goodnight...

>>19921 Where is that picture from btw?

>>19858 >let me just google lolis instead of going to a hentai website to look for that Still doesn't explain why but goodluck anon

I haven't read or done anything productive neither for my soul, nor for my body, for over a week now. I've slipped into the vice again: videogames, porn, negative emotions. fuarrrk me. I have to do a hard reset, and live by the schedule yet again.

>>19940 What does that schedule consists of?

>>19941 Reading at least 50 pages every day, exercising every day, sleeping schedule, obviously. Learn something new every day, instead of wasting it on degenerate activities. I can't succeed with all of this in my NEETdom, can't imagine what it would have been like if I actually had to work for 8 hours, and waste time on going to work/from work.

>>19942 > Learn something new every day What is the bar for this? Because I learn *something* new every day, every hour for that matter, whether I'm trying to or not. Is there a standard it has to meet?

>Wasted my teens >Wasted half my twenties Every so often, I get some motivation to fix things. But I don't.

>>19942 Sounds fun but seems more like a distraction for a distraction towards your neetdom, I know that experience, I struggle hard with porn and it's taking a toll on me but I have little to no motivation to keep going ... it hurts sometimes

>>19944 Hopefully I don't become like this, I still my 20's ahead of me, idk what I want. What do you recommend I do to pass the times?

I am crying out for anyone that feels the same way I do who cannot. Lonely, depressed, no purpose, and broken are some of the colors that paint our existences. Just think, all this pain and suffering is the proof that our choices matter and the impact of our actions extends beyond imagination. In another timeline, perhaps things went our way and we became happy and obtained fulfilling lives. At the same time, there are probably countless other timelines where things went just as bad just in a differet way, or worse. I like daydreaming about the world where things went my way and hate having nightmares about when they didn't. It doesn't matter whether you or anyone else made good or bad choices. Choices were made, and these are the results. Right? I'm not sure. I want to say that the nature of this has to do with entropy and free will or not doesn't really matter. I just wanted to get this out from my head. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach to be on the bad timeline, but that feeling, that pain is the proof that our actions or lack of actions matter. The world wouldn't make much sense if we could do whatever want and then end up happy all the same would it? You have to do something. Do anything. Live. Make choices that you think are right. Do things you want to do. I'm scared of it all going away. Sadly, I don't usually practice what I preach. Because I don't believe in myself. So you don't have to believe in me either.

>>19946 I'm not that Lain but... you should travel as much as you can, go to live events like concerts, etc. Mingle with people. I certainly did not waste my teens and 20s but have been "wasting" my time later in life you might say. It's better to get out and have some adventures when you're younger because you might lose your appetite for it later. At least when you're older you can say you already did some interesting stuff and will have memories. You also never know if poor health, random injury or the sudden appearance or children in your life will prevent you from doing something later. With my health now I couldn't do any of the crazier stuff I used to get up to so I'm glad I did it when I could. I suspect that a lot of the bitterness and ugly political extremism in imageboard cultures in recent years stems from a maturing population of users who are realizing too late that they spent their youth playing video games and shhtposting on 4chan and now have to blame someone else for their lack of achievements or any social life to speak of. I don't feel too bad staying home and marathoning some TV shows or wasting time on internet forums now because I just don't have as much energy (physically or socially) as I used to. If I spent my youth doing that crap, where would I be now? I can justify watching hundreds of movies now because I missed out on 10-15 years of contemporary film when I was doing other stuff and have some catching up to do.

>>19950 >I'm not that Lain but... you should travel as much as you can, go to live events like concerts, etc. Mingle with people I need more of this advice. Not OP but I'm also a social recluse in my early 20s. I understand the first part of conversations and meeting with people and small talk, but I can never understand how to maintain relationships with people. I get paranoid after the first instance that hitting them up seems needy and makes me a nuisance. Am I being retarded? Is it normal to just hit people up and meet?

>>19951 >Is it normal to just hit people up and meet? yup. If you don't people will just assume you don't like them. I still struggle with this

>>19951 >Is it normal to just hit people up and meet? People nowadays rely on FB and stuff for that, something most Lains either don't know anything about or actively avoid. The easiest way to make friends other than that, in my experience at least, is if you're into live music. Other than that, I guess just look around. I saw a poster an hour ago promoting a tabletop gaming meetup for instance. There's groups here in town, since the forest and ocean are right by, that get together and go on hikes. Maybe you can even find someplace to do volunteer work. That's usually more social and friendly than work-work since everyone is there out of common interest and because they believe in something and not just because they need to pay rent.

I'm realising now that my art hasn't improved since I started 3 or so years ago. Despite drawing for at least an hour every day for one of those years, I still draw like a child. I've made clear progress with the language and instrument I've been learning, and I've only been doing that for a few weeks and months respectively. Maybe it's just a lost cause.

I am okay. Im not okay because im without problems, depressions, and such. Im okay because in spite of them ive pushed through in the past and I used to not be able to and I know others still can't. So im okay for those who still cant be, and its not because I only live for others or am completely selfless. I simply know I CAN live even when im at my worst, and that allows me to be there for people who dont know that. what is okay is subjective. you don't have to, i don't have to, but im choosing to believe living is what is okay. if I am living i am okay, if others are in danger of not living they are not okay. i dont have any reason to believe this other than it makes myself feel okay. its all perfectly selfish yet perfectly selfless to.others

Yesterday I received another rejection email. I've been trying to get a programming job for some time now, but I'm just never good enough. I burst into tears. I cannot control my emotions. I feel like worthless human trash. Trying not to give up, I have to keep going, but this is so soul crushing.

>>19955 Watch these two videos, they really changed my views on art and drawing. https://youtube.com/watch?v=M6NsEDwHHiE https://youtube.com/watch?v=vM39qhXle4g

>>19963 Where do you live and what did you major in? cause it might be time to migrate to a more lucrative place.

>>19969 i'm in eastern europe. migration is not an option for the time being. majoring in software engineering, but starting to regret this decision, should have majored in pure math probably.

>>19970 If you're in eastern europe then a security company might look for you, a lot of Russian hackers operate in eastern europe. Math is a good major but I don't know if it'll be good for a job in eastern europe.

>>19971 actually i've been thinking about cybersec for a while now. granted, i have little experience in the field. webdev stuff has never sparked interest in me to be honest, it seems all programming nowadays is web-based. did not realise that before majoring

>>19972 Seriously man, as a person living in eastern europe you have like little to no options than moving or changing major, I don't know what job you might get but get ready for some dirt poor pay. Good luck lain

>>19974 i'll probably be fine, thanks lain

Today has been very hard and I don't know why. I've been crying or on the verge of tears for most of it. I think the realisation that my life isn't great has caught up with me.

>>19857 im probably close to ending myself but i logically really don't have a reason to do so. Always been a loner, fat, failure in school, Used to play games, read, watch movies but i don't want to do anything anymore. Started uni this summer but got sick with pnemonia and 5 other punches in my face have made me bedlaying NEET for the latest 4 months. everything i had been struggeling with during my entire life was going well and this was taken from me just as a got a taste for life. I am so demotivated that i can't really leave bed some days.... Sorry for the word sallad

>>19983 >Always been a loner, fat, failure in school, I know it'll sound like bullshit, but it doesn't have to be this way. You can stop being fat by exercising, school means nothing, you can learn everything yourself in less time and if you're not a psychopath or a motherfucker killing kitties, you can make friends. The problem is you must have the will to do so, which is the hardest part, because you don't have motivation, because of those bad things. >Used to play games, read, watch movies but i don't want to do anything anymore. Are there other things you like? I recently discovered, looking after plants calms me down. Maybe you could go to gym? Just don't worry about Chads and do your best.

>>19988 I had gotten into a gym (and study+"social life") routine before getting sick. I get an immense motivation/inspiration when im thinking about would i could do or achive, but i cant seem to get it to actually happen. But im trying to do some light workout + stretching Getting outside of home and going to the gym would probably be better. Funny that you mention plants, a family friend got me some plants on my birthday last sunday, and i feel quite a bit happier

I think I'm autistic. I've also thought about it before, but now I just feel really bad and I'm not sure if there's room for "I have that symptom" or "I don't have that symptom" or whatever. I'd rather not know because if it's true I will most likely kill myself.

>>19995 >I had gotten into a gym (and study+"social life") routine before getting sick. Try taking some vitamins to prevent illness from stopping you. >I get an immense motivation/inspiration when im thinking about would i could do or achive, but i cant seem to get it to actually happen. It depends on a type of person, but if I have an unachievable goal, it motivates me all the time. But you could divide your greater goal into small pieces and focus on these. >Funny that you mention plants, a family friend got me some plants on my birthday last sunday, and i feel quite a bit happier Just remember a real pot ought to have a hole in it to remove excess of water, I didn't know that and killed some plants. You should also always put those expanded stones https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expanded_clay_aggregate under the soil layer, so roots can breathe. Plants growing fruits are satisfying, you can try growing lemons or oranges from seeds. Have fun!

>>19998 Yeah,im really afraid of fuarrrking up with the plants. But all my plants are indoor plants, the stones are more for outdoor use right?

>>20003 >Yeah,im really afraid of fuarrrking up with the plants. Don't worry, it's not like they care much. >But all my plants are indoor plants, the stones are more for outdoor use right? All plants you put in pots. You put a layer of those at the bottom of the pot, then put soil and plant. Also what type of plant is it?

Every time I think I have no self-esteem life finds a way to make me lose some I didn't know I had. I thought I was bad 5 years ago, but I'm much worse at the moment.

>>19997 Watch this video, maybe it'll help https://invidio.us/watch?v=9IzOO4YC8ZA

I miss having friends to talk to and hang out with outside of work or school, like in my teenage years. Just seem to be unable to open up to people because I either fear them using whatever I tell them against me or them plotting something against me. When practically being invited to events or get togethers I decline because I fear not being able to "socially perform", if you know what I mean. At some point social interactions became more of an act where you have to keep the other party constantly entertained or else they lose interest and don't bother with you anymore. I remember becoming friends with someone being so natural, in middle school for example, where finding out that both of you played the same game would result in a lasting friendship. On a related note, I just can't seem to get excited about things or hobbies anymore, feels like I've kind of seen it all. Even this website used to feel so magical to me when I first found it after watching the show. >>19950 >I suspect that a lot of the bitterness and ugly political extremism in imageboard cultures in recent years stems from a maturing population of users who are realizing too late that they spent their youth playing video games and shhtposting on 4chan and now have to blame someone else for their lack of achievements or any social life to speak of. Can't speak for all image board users, but this assessment is pretty accurate, at least for me, and can also attest to this being able to manifest in a person in only a few years. I used to read into various flavours of anti-civilization and anarchist literature, in search of what is wrong with this world. Maybe instead of finding out what I was doing wrong I was instead exclusively looking out what society is doing wrong that's causing me to be miserable. My thinking was something along the lines of: I'm extremely unhappy, but the civilization we created was built without any consideration for human happyness, therefore it's societys fault I'm this way. I'm now at the stage where I sort of see the errors in my thinking, but still can't shake the idea that some of the things I read have truths in them.

>>20079 >Every time I think I have no self-esteem life finds a way to make me lose some I didn't know I had. What would you like to achieve, what are your dreams and failures?

I am depressed paranoid and drug addicted, alienating friends, virtually becoming a hikkikomori. Why? In large part due to inarguable facts about government and coorperate surveilance. I am constantly on edge because i know any action I can take (like posting this post on this board) could effect my future in some way I can't understand or hope to know, I could refused a bank loan or a house or I could be arrested if the government in the future decides it doesn't like people like me for whatever reason. This is terrifying I don't think there is any argument that this isn't terrifying, the only counter argument always turns into either "nothing to hide nothing to fear" which i already proved wrong in this post since we can't know what the future holds or how this data could be used in 20 years time (what, you think it's going to magically disapear?). The other argument is "yeah we're all fuarrrked anyway" which sure, may help most people sleep at night but an autist like me cannot simply put this out of mind. Yes, we're all fuarrrked, saying that does not help anyone!! we're fuarrrked and we can't do anything but we can try maybe what do i do do i use tails only on a thinkpad i bought with cash while wearing a disguise and remove all the gps microphone and camera (i already did that of course) from my phone and then never leave my house because of course there is cameras everywhere with facial recognition tracking me non stop and i of course would keep my windows covered to avoid laser sound thingy and of course none of this will work because we all know tor is comprimised and the intel management system gives everyone a backdoor into my asshole at any moment so i guess libreboot and i2p does that even make sense fuarrrk this i'm going unabomber mode but I WANT TO WATCH ANIME god damn it and even then i would only be as secure as the last person i interacted with this is why I can't sleep this is why I can't sleep this is why I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep

>>20099 I'd like to get better at my hobbies but, aside from not being very good at my hobbies, my failures come from completely different areas of life like being rejected for things and failing a qualification multiple times.

>>20007 I don´t know the names to be honest. Two plants with big fat leafs and one big "palm".

I'm feeling really down tonight lains I used to be like this all the time... the paranoia, the hatred of society, the frustration. The world feels intolerable to me, I don't want to live this way but it seems like I have no choice. There is too much unnecessary suffering, so much unfilfilling garbage to fill the void. I hate it so much I want to scream.

i wish i could have a close friend, someone i can connect with

Im so farrking awkward. I want to know the secret to make sure to maintain a conversation without farrking it up

I often feel simple, and've a problem with regret; I regret nearly everything I say/do. Since I'm not a very social person, this isn't usually an issue, but I'm a mod in a Discord "server", which's brought me into conflict with others. Though I've tried to stay above the rabble, when it comes to those who're smarter, I can become rather petty - leading to someone I consider a friend leaving. I'd like to simply shutup so that I can try to avoid these issues, but I feel that it's my duty to speak there. Is there anything you folk'd recommend I do in this case? I hate saying "I" & talking about myself so much, so, please, forgive me for that. Hope y'all have a great day even if I can't offer satisfactory advice.

Everyone thinks that if you dislike something your reason can be either jealousy or compassion, but they don't consider the 3rd option: it's stupid and unethical. Posting here because I didn't want to start a "discussion" on that site.

I need to vent, badly. I've been walking around the Grand Place area of Brussels today (tourist zone) and I got really depressed. The streets are full of garbage pilling up around the bins for some reason. There are bikes and electric scooters literally on the floor all around. A homeless person (or two) in every literal corner and metro station entrance. I had never been here, and it has hit me hard. I expected some idilic European old town, like Paris… oh, wait. All the while, the streets are packed with oblivious tourists stuffing their faces with waffles and fries, or buried in their phones. It sounds cliché, but this is what I've seen and it made me sick. I've walked past a young, well-off looking couple from a multinational charity that were asking tourists for donations. Suddenly, a homeless person with a sign that read "I'm hungry" approached them, and they rejected him saying they didn't have any loose change. >Oxfam is a global movement of people, working together to end the injustice of poverty. That means we tackle the inequality that keeps people poor. Together, we save, protect and rebuild lives when disaster strikes. This is a fuarrrking lie. THE WORLD IS A fuarrrkING PILE OF LIES THAT DESERVES TO BURN.

>>20150 We are all connected through lain

>>20153 Same lainnon, I don't know how many conversation i've messed up because people said that I was weird

>>20100 I have the same fear, what I recommend is for you to be more aware that you are not alone in all of this

>>20150 this one hit close

>>20100 drop the drugs, go out more, get exercise and maybe even a therapist. Your data is being collected everywhere you go, and that is a obvious fact. You're afraid it's going to get used against you? what is? are you some international terrorist, or trafficking drugs? Then maybe yeah you can get fuarrrked, but if you're a regular joe and do your everyday things normally without harming anybody, then i don't see the danger in that. i think the drugs and isolation is making you paranoid. Quit the drugs and go out.

>>20161 >Suddenly, a homeless person with a sign that read "I'm hungry" approached them, and they rejected him saying they didn't have any loose change. First time in Europe, huh? They're not hungry, they want to drink alcohol. Whey they're hungry, they ask for food, not money. When they ask for money, they want vodka. There are places where they can have food for free and sleep for free, but they prefer not to, because it "violates their freedom", which means they cant shout, break things and have to clean after themselves. Homeless also often work for mafia and commit crimes, they even have smartphones lol. Worthless parasites.

>>20180 Forgot to say, that if you gave them food instead of money, they would shout at you. There's plenty of work they could do, but they prefer stinking and stealing instead. If they don't want to change anything, they deserve everything they get.

>>20161 >Suddenly, a homeless person with a sign that read "I'm hungry" approached them, and they rejected him saying they didn't have any loose change. You shouldn't judge those tourists for that since they might have given an offer to other people before that one. There are so many beggars everywhere, they're in front of every supermarket, pub, public place, metro station. If you are alone you might face 2, 3 of them who ask you for money sometimes aggressively so it's hard to like them. For those who get to beg in high traffic areas it's literally a job. They make hundreds of euros a day, so after they pay their local gangster for the spot they probably have a better lifestyle than you. There have been plenty of reports of people who begged who had luxury clothes at home. >>20180 >There are places where they can have food for free and sleep for free, but they prefer not to, because it "violates their freedom", which means they cant shout, break things and have to clean after themselves. Homeless also often work for mafia and commit crimes, they even have smartphones lol. Also this. There are plenty of associations that give homeless people shelter and food. Those that die of hunger or cold are usually too mentally ill to be helped with those things alone and unfit for the "job" or bullied by the others. Sadly it's not nearly as romantic as you think and the people in need are those you don't see.

>>20180 wow, Europe must really have better social services than America.

>>20180 Sounds like you can NEET a lot in Europe, must be why leftist parties are popular and the wages low. Might be wrong tho, I've thought about moving to Europe, would you recommend it?

>>20187 >Sounds like you can NEET a lot in Europe As long as you're not European...

>>20187 >Sounds like you can NEET a lot in Europe, must be why leftist parties are popular and the wages low. >Might be wrong tho, I've thought about moving to Europe, would you recommend it? If you're okay with living in a library, have no taste preferences and are okay with being exploited by mafia, then yes. But healthcare is free, at least they will put you back together, if something cuts your hand off. >>20185 See above. Also those people are mostly homeless because of alcoholism and drugs.

>>20188 Well i would fit right in >>20189 I have no desire to drink or do drugs, but yea I don't really care about the quality of my life a lot so maybe europe might be better. I've heard of people retiring to portugal, might do the same

I did this more than i'd like to admit

>>20192 >Aaand finished! Took me a while but I can finally go to b- 4:30AM

i was doing so well and now the depressions hit again. im moving so slowly, thinking so slowly, im pretty sure my partner wants to break up with me. id rather it happen now when im already down but i hope it doesnt break me or push me over the edge. Im starting therapy again and tommorow il talk to my psychiatrist about my medication, maybe something needs to be changed. theres just so much to do and i can hardly move. before I realized I was having an episode i think i managed to ruin or potentially ruin a few of my best relationships too. i just want to move for my brain to clear and pierce through but i cant seem to break through. i cant activate my higher thinking, the thinking thats triumphed over my depression for the past year. for awhile even like this I could still act, i could ignore the pain and keep moving and even smile and laugh and do more than the bare minimum but I cant seem to move at all and all I want is for my brain and body to obey.

>>20195 >I cant seem to move at all and all I want is for my brain and body to obey. IKTF Lain. It really is like kicking dead whales down the beach when it's like that, but try to stay in control. Depression is a bit like quicksand, you can't let yourself sink but if you try to shake it off you'll end up worse.

>>20196 it certainly is like quicksand, ive escaped momentarily. but yeah I try to never let it reach that point thats whats even worse it started like a week ago and I already knew I was fuarrrked. i felt that brain fog take over and inability to do basic soykaf and no matter how I fight back its past that point. Like theres a critical point for me at least where if i let it slip that far i wont regain control until it rides itself out. I have to stop it before that point. i have temporarily relief right now, my partner called and we had a good talk and everything was fine. but i know its temporary because that wasnt what was making me depressed that was just a depressive fixation. its just straight up depression theres no rhyme or reason other then I wasnt able to catch myself when the thoughts started and now ive fallen in. i have to go to bed soon, I dont think this brief window of clarity will be enough unless I can hold onto it through my sleep and into the morning. I hate having yo treat rationality like a commodity. The fact that I know and want to go to class tommorow now but know when I wake up I might not see it like that or be able to make the right choices scares the soykaf out of me.

I'm gotten so much better man but still am totally hopeless with women. It's always a bit like 'aah don't fuarrrk this up." Never goes anywhere. Probably jsut aren't attractive innit. I mean I'm poor as fuarrrk right now so there's nothing I can do right now.

>>19857 Oh god i just had a CT-scan, the last time they wanted did that to me it was because they thought i had lungcancer.

I've been looking for a job for a few months, desperate to try and get work. I've been placing resumes everywhere I find "Now Hiring!" signs, and searching through online job aggregates for minimum wage jobs. Today was finally the day I got a call back asking me to set up a meeting for an interview. You don't know how excited I was, but then I googled the company name. fuarrrk MLMs, I hope those pieces of soykaf hang. They prey on the desperate and weak, literal parasites of society. God fuarrrking damn it.

I think as a byproduct of really bad social isolation I've developed an infatuation with Tissue-Hime. I'm about a decade late to the party, but I think they're really talented and pretty cute and they make my peepee hard. Putting a crossdressing bass player on a pedestal probably isn't the most healthy thing to do. Maybe it's not all bad, though. I did pick up an instrument partly because of them, and I'm thinking I should get a creative outlet like they have.

>>20218 Creative outlets are always good, lain! Which instrument did you pick?

>>20229 I went with the piano, since there was already one in the house. Unfortunately I've been unable to play it for a week or so because of renovations, but I was playing it daily for about 8 months before that.

Well its been a couple of months since my last vent but I don't think ive progressed much. Im a little more consistent with self learning and the few hobbies I have but im still living off savings and still can't find a job. It one of the only things that keep me up at night. I do have a particular goal I have set for myself though and its making the days go by a little better. How are the rest of you lainons doing? I hope you all have something to hold on to and if not, I'm sure you will eventually find it.

>>20230 Great choice. What were you playing the week before the renovations started? I hope you'll play again when you can. >>20231 Thanks, you too!

I feel like everywhere i go i'm just a spectator no one notices me nor try to contact with me if i'm gone no one would notice however i've reached to a point where i don't care what others think of me and i think being polite and kind is just an act of persuasion or a fake facade to make others like the other just for fake compliments alone so i have become more honest and in the end became more rude as others think but fuarrrk them because what difference would it make if i just waste time moping and apologizing for every soykaf i say no matter how offensive it is. I seriously feel like just beating someone up just because some cunt or someone with authority tells me "That isn't polite" and "Be kind and mindful of others" it always pisses me off because others never show me it during the soykafty schooldays.

>>20232 >What were you playing the week before the renovations started? I'm about halfway through Schaum's Blue Book at the moment, so nothing too complicated at the moment. My routine got interrupted quite badly, so I'd like to play again when possible. >>20233 I know it seems like a platitude, but it really is recommendable to live your life by the golden rule (treat others as you'd like to be treated). With that said, maybe you shouldn't give a rat's ass about people if all you know are tools. Don't continue that after you leave schooling, though.

I am unrecoverably bad. I am in the red on rent, I am in debt, I dont have job, I dont even have soul crushing job I hated, which I got after I have failed to get to uni. Recently stress unabled me to do anything but lying no the floor of my room, shivering, awaiting inevitable doom. My mind is weak, I am hopeless. I disappointed everyone already, I don't want to be present when they find out about this. The hill is steep, I cant stop the car rolling down or it is already in the water.

>>20234 Thats some gay morals right there, you should treat others as (you think) they deserve to be treated

>>20234 >treat others as you'd like to be treated It doesn't work like this. I've been treated badly by people I've been nice to based on things that don't concern them directly and are simply not their business. People like >>20239. But I started to do the same (treat them how they deserve, though it is subjective) and it makes more sense now.

I'm black.

>>20247 schway

I discovered I can't do yet another thing because of my disability. It's like I've been cursed with the right combination of ambition and weakness to ensure maximum suffering. I could've had this body with the mind of a simpleton so I could work a wagie job, no, I had to be born in this awful physical state but have a competitive brain that can't even put up with its own challenges and insanely high standards. And my brain's ruined too at this point. The only quality I have left is the endurance to keep trying and searching for possibilities instead of giving up. I just want to give up for real, for good.

>>20257 >The only quality I have left is the endurance to keep trying and searching for possibilities instead of giving up. I just want to give up for real, for good. What about transhumanism? Maybe there are medical experiments you could take part in or you could become a scientist yourself and work on making your body usable? Look at Hawking, he lived 70 years, so you can wait for better times with better medicine.

>>20258 I don't care about any of that. Maybe the body isn't even an issue and I'm making excuses when it's all because of my head. I'm just tired of trying so hard and finishing last every time.

>>20235 Get a job. Do internet marketing alongside you job. Even if you can't get a job, you can still do internet marketing. Just reply if you are interested and i will help you. While I'm still new to this and get very little money, I am sure that you can do it better than me.

>>20202 >preying on the weak So you're admitting you're weak?

>>20235 Assuming you did not get kicked out of uni it'd be pretty easy to get in if you are willing to get into debt.

>>20257 Mental or physical? I find that with mental people tend to ignore you and you get to do what you want but the thing is nobody cares for you With physical people tend to be merciful and pity you but at the same time you may be restricted from a clear mind since your're always scared that you're gonna fall over

>>20234 Yeah i'll keep that in mind thanks.

>>20270 Physical disability doesn't equal wheelchair

First off, we are christian, and have been my whole life. She's devout but not overly so. Secondly, my mom has had low blood sugar and testosterone get to her head before, though not like this. She wasn't mildly crazy, it was hard to not notice. Now it kind of is. She threw out her romance books out of nowhere and is throwing out evetything she owns which is second hand. Everything i ask her, she needs to pray over. She wasn't like this until yesterday. For context: The books were because she says she shouldn't be reading them. She always said that what we consume "feeds our spirit" but she never acted on it. The second hand returning is because it was "broken in" by others before hand. Some of this is from her dead grandparents. I asked her to not throw it out but she wants to pray about it. She hasn't broken anything yet but says that she wants to pray about it. She kinda just....decided to take it off the wall and wait for god to tell her what to put up. It wasn't anything particularly "sinful" either, if that helps. They were family photos Also she took down all of the pictures and wants to ask god to tell her where to put them. She's not bipolar or anything but she hasn't been to a psychologist so I wouldn't know. She went to a women'z conference at some point. This started soon after. I looked them up though and nothing sketch showed up. It's just some gospel conference as far as I know. I did ask to go to the next one so I can confirm, but she doesn't know when it is. She takes my pc, phone, and tablet by 10 pm so I may be inactive from time to time(I'm 17). This started around yesterday. I'm guessing this is either something with her blood pressure being low, her going to a conference that was some kind of cult thing, or potentially command delusions. It's just me and her living at my house atm. I do school online and she works for Bama from home. I'm not sure what to do because most of my family is there and we live in a different state that's close by. What do?

>>20282 Sorry, not exactly a vent thing, I guess.

>>20282 in my opinion it might be because she thinks she realized she has been ding something wrong all this time and now she is trying to repair everything. You should force her to talk about it, even it explode on a fight (non physical obviously), telling her you need to know what is going on with her.

>>20284 Ill try it out and keep you posted.

>>20284 I'll try to ask her after work. I did try to ask her last time and she said basically that some prayers need to not be said and kept to the receiver so I'm not sure if I can get an answer out.

>>20284 OK so... I tried to talk about it. She says she does this because it's "necessary" and won't elaborate further. I said that I wanted to understand to which she replied that i need to be obedient and to accept Jesus as my savior. I told her that I did and she says basically that i need to "really" accept him. I asked about what god told her to do and she said that isn't for me to know. I told her that I knew she was told to take down the photos and she said "That's the end of this conversation," pretty much immediately after.

>>20287 your mom's definitely having some kind of breakdown. See if you can get outside help, maybe from a local religious leader? She might respect a priest or something more.

>>20288 Will do. I'll try to get her to go to church sunday and talk with someone.

>>20287 I agree with >>20288, sounds like she's going off the deep end. Although I hate to recommend seeing a shrink, this seems like one of the few cases where it would be a very good idea to do so. A local religious leader is an OK alternative, but a good psychologist would be much better. As for you, just try not to get caught in the crossfire if things go south. (IE: avoid getting stabbed in your sleep / losing your education / etc.) Obeying serious commands (sell all your possessions, remove/destroy family photos, etc.) from voices in your head is generally the start of a rapid and unpleasant downward spiral without swift intervention. But maybe I am overreacting. Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

>>20290 yeah......how do i avoid the stabbing thing?

Just said to not go into her room unless she tells me too. Not sure why. If she is ever out of the house, I'll check. Other than that, she threw out a stand thing for her laptop. Also, I asked her if she was still working when I saw her on her phone. She said to asking her questions and seemed kind of upset I was asking her questions when she told me not to. So I now know she meant no questions in general instead of no questions about god. ......How do I talk to her without asking anything?

I'm feeling like I'm about to fall apart. Old people just as ignorant as newborns. They all look in my windows when I come close to them. They have their club, where they all hate me and create a plan on how to make me kill myself before I become old. They know, that if I die, all bad worldwide events will end and happiness will be just around the corner. I pushed away everyone I could, but I keep playing funny person for people in college. They are stupid and only want the knowledge in my head, they also sit in this club just because they can gather information. I taped all cameras and mics on my phone and laptop, deleted all the bloatware, there are heavy curtains on windows and no light is on. But they know I'm still alive and just wait patiently outside of my door. I can't go to therapist because I tend to overexagerate all things above and there's no sickness in my brain. Just a small game of ill-minded brain. Like delusions in flu. But I'm also extremely tired and don't know what to do.

>>20293 >Old people just as ignorant as newborns. They all look in my windows when I come close to them. They have their club, where they all hate me and create a plan on how to make me kill myself before I become old. They know, that if I die, all bad worldwide events will end and happiness will be just around the corner. I pushed away everyone I could, but I keep playing funny person for people in college. They are stupid and only want the knowledge in my head, they also sit in this club just because they can gather information. I taped all cameras and mics on my phone and laptop, deleted all the bloatware, there are heavy curtains on windows and no light is on. But they know I'm still alive and just wait patiently outside of my door

>>20291 >>20292 >Just said to not go into her room unless she tells me too. Not sure why. If she is ever out of the house, I'll check. >I asked her if she was still working when I saw her on her phone. She said to asking her questions and seemed kind of upset I was asking her questions when she told me not to. Already said it, but this sounds like she needs real help. Is it possible she lost her job and the stress from that has brought on some sort of breakdown? Does it seem like it will just blow over anytime soon? Best of luck. Also if you have any family now might be the time to reach out and explain things to them (don't wait til things get worse). >>20291 >yeah......how do i avoid the stabbing thing? I was exaggerating somewhat when I said that, but you should still keep your safety in mind as a background thought. Not speaking from personal experience with the mentally ill but good rules of thumb for unstable egomaniacs (likely in a similar boat): 1) Don't push any disagreements too far / pressure them too much 2) Don't get caught going behind their back ie: >If she is ever out of the house, I'll check. Good idea, just don't get caught. As for >How do I talk to her without asking anything? Maybe try framing your questions differently, so that she feels validated (or at least not threatened) by them. Instead of: > Why are you going batshit crazy? Try: > I want to feel more connected to god like you, can you give me some advice on what to do? Or: > Why are you throwing out family heirlooms on a whim? > I know god said to throw away these things, but I still feel really attached to them, can you help me <something about understanding / cooperate / etc.>? The validation might make her more nuts, but since she seems unwilling to take any sort of pushback this might be your best way to get her to open up a little. Note, I'm not anywhere near a professional, take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt. Also, you may want to start a separate thread so we don't bog down this one with off-topic stuff. >>20293 Lain you either need to lay off the drugs, get more sleep, or see a doctor. Maybe all of the above. Don't kill yourself, things will work out eventually!

>>20296 >Lain you either need to lay off the drugs, get more sleep, or see a doctor. Maybe all of the above. Never did drugs to be honest, but my sleeping routine is kinda ruined. >Don't kill yourself, things will work out eventually! I don't want to kill myself, that's the thing. Earlier I wanted, but now I don't. I just want to take a rest in a small house in woods, never to be bothered by anyone for the rest of my life.

>>20296 Thanks. Forgot to update since i also asked this on another site but here. She poured out her weirdo almond coconut milk and threw out her tea. I tried to tell her she still had to work since I couldn't ask to which she replied that "I can't tell her what to do." I planned on walking around the neighborhood like I used to and using my phone to try to call someone, but she says I can't walk around. It's either in the house or the backyard unless she drops me off somewhere. (The neighborhood itsn't great tbf) Also even though I get off at 3 pm, I can't my phone until 5 pm because....idk. She just came up with it now so I'm not sure why she's doing this. She told me to leave it off, btw. So I won't know if I missed any calls until then.

>>20298 was before what >>20296 said

I've been a hikkiNEET for a few months (though I've always been a recluse) and I find it very difficult to relate to people's problems - especially about relationships. Everything just seems so alien, the advice that gets given even more so. I also don't really understand the disdain people have for people like me, it's not like we hurt anyone but ourselves. I find a lot of comfort in Uboachan's /hikki/ board. I just lurk, but it's reassuring knowing people have the same apprehensions about the world as me. Rereading this post back, I think I come off as a tool

>>20326 >i dont get the hate cause muh tax money. Of course there are far greater leeches present but they dont have any hope reaching those above them. So they only act on those they consider equal or below.

>>20332 >cause muh tax money I'm just living off savings at the moment, but I can at least understand the sentiment. What I don't get is the thought that all hikkis don't do anything. Sure, some don't but I'm (and almost certainly others) able to keep good hygiene and try to better myself every day. Still, there's a huge stigma when you say you don't leave the house.

Everything feels paralysingly foreign to me. And not even in a "I don't know how to talk to people haha" way, I mean fuarrrking everything. It feels like my memory was wiped and I was dropped in some alien world and I'm just trying to fit in as best I can. I don't know why it's happening to me. I started becoming greatly troubled by it near the end of 2018, though I've always felt a bit of disconnect that was when it started to become unbearable. I'm constantly confused and uneasy. I don't know what it is that confuses me. I don't know how to quantify or verbalize any of these feelings. And that makes most people think it's not serious when I talk to them about it, "oh it's just a hunch you're just in a slump it'll be okay" But that doesn't seem right at all. I don't know what could fix this but I'm really scared all the time. I don't know how to tell what's real or fake. I miss being able to recognize who looks back at me in the mirror.

>>20199 you're probably better off finding someone who likes you even if you're poor

>>20239 >>20240 it's very human to make mistakes and misjudge a person. It makes sense because you're simply accepting your interpretation, which at the time always makes the most sense. If your interpretation is inaccurate, you would treat a person how you thought they deserved at the time, which can cause unnecessary conflict (or whatever the opposite of conflict is). Heck, were on lainchan, where everybody always raves about them mortals who get all too caught up in the botnet because they don't want to have to worry. But this is the same kind of impulsive behavior as treating them how you think they deserve. I'm not a sucker for morals and I agree the "golden rule" is probably impractical, but can't you see why this moral principle can be flawed?

>>20353 I don't know what your thoughts are lainon, but I've felt the same for a long time. I even had therapy and took medicines for issues I didn't have just because I fundamentally don't like people and modern life. I concluded this environment is just not good for me. The way I have to present myself to have a conversation is completely fabricated. I go with it because it happens subconsciously but as I become aware of this persona I don't like I grow frustrated, until I eventually burn bridges with everyone. This confuses and hurts people and presents me as a person I am not. The real me would stay away from everyone, so I decided to go the introspective way. I started writing a personal wiki where I document everything about my life, my story, my interests, the websites I visit, the things I see and photograph, my personal projects, my day-by-day journal, my dreams. It's all encrypted and offline. I feel much more motivated to organize my thoughts there than to post a rant somewhere online that nobody will see/reply to/understand/care about and I'll be disappointed about. I know this boils down to talking to yourself, but it's healthier than what I do right now and more constructive since I can keep track of my personal projects.

>>20354 This is true. Poor people fall in love all the time, usually with other poor people. Even homeless people have boy/girlfriends sometimes.

I am coping with constant gender dysphoria but am too scared to transition. I feel like I was cursed or something.

>>20359 Go For It. Seriously, you've got nothing to lose. Transition isn't as scary as you might think. You don't need to be pressured into any "type" of transition you don't want to partake in, but you're doing yourself a disservice by remaining as you are.

>>20360 Yeah, I'm considering it. But I feel like I will have to boymode for a long time before I really feel comfortable in my body. Probably better than being miserable as I am.

>>20360 >playing a role you can play effortless is worse than larping a role that seems cool >>20359 dont fall for the memes

>>20362 Found the transphobe.

>>20359 As long as your family won't fuarrrk you over, there's no reason not to. Go for it.

>>20353 Personally i think i am either an alien or a some kind of otherdimensional entity. I have become completely incompatible with the people of this world.

>>20363 >let me shoot myself in the foot >let me advertise it as cool fuarrrk yourself up as you wish i dont care if you live or die but at least have the decency not to advertise it to others and drag them along. Its a fact that living with whatever gender you started with is much easier. The whole thing is retarded.

>>20359 >>20366 Speaking from experience, and corroborated by another Lainon whose posts I read years ago (unfortunately I can't find an archive), there's a good chance that another area of your life is causing these problems. We were both crossdressers at a confusing point in our lives and not really satisfied with them. As it happens, a lot of crossdressers have thoughts of gender dysphoria, but in my experience that often comes from an external stimulus - when I asked about this online people insisted that I don't just like wearing girl's clothes, and that there had to be something more to it. And why wouldn't there be? I wasn't happy with myself, and I felt better when I did it and put the pictures on the internet. Some other problems I had were not feeling loved, not having a sense of identity (that was probably the biggest problem), and not getting enough attention in my life. At some point I realised that and, with time, managed to come to terms or work on them. As an aside, I also think that gender roles are part of the problem - there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy or a tomgirl. With that said, I don't doubt that gender dysphoria is real or that you have it, but before you do anything life changing please give it a good think. Are your thoughts symptomatic of something else? In my case they were, but only you know enough about your situation to make that judgement.

Anyone else feels like he's living in a dream? I'm a pretty typical 20yo something male, it feels like everything I do is work and then come back home to coonsom garbage pop culture. Tried to pick up muh hobbies and started working out, it worked for a while but I started to feel meaningless again. I think back to the old timers during 50s, they definitely had it worse than us but we sure did lose something for our comfort and complacency. Even people with kids, at least they have something 'external' to care for and some meaningful(at least from their pov) goal in life. But then again, I'm a typical 20yo male, afraid that kids will take up his time for pop culture coonsomption(and an incel on top of that lmao). This feeling on meaningless comes and goes, usually caused by some other bullshit that I haven't on my mind that I haven't figured out. I'm sure every other person gets those feelings. Does anyone else has some experience with generic meaningful things? Volunteering and such?

>>20368 If you want to feel depressed, here's my take. What is missing from modern life is exactly purpose because there's been a global effort in the past century to destroy every purpose that wasn't consumption. You work so you have money to buy products and you spend your free time consuming the products you bought - which are looking closer and closer to advertisements for other products. This is what you are meant to do, so your life is going exactly as expected for the people who designed it. Everything is a product, your experiences, your memories, your opinions, you, etc. This is why people are creating crazy surrogate purposes to delude themselves they're not born and bred as cattle, only to buy the products required to reach those goals and feeling worse off when they're done. Sadly there is nothing you can do as long as you participate to human society, this is the world now. It's a dystopia, an endless shopping mall purgatory where dreams are sold by multi-level marketers.

>>20369 Whatever you do gets old. Voluntary work is somewhat better because you generally attribute some positive purpose to it and feel better helping compared to most jobs that feel like semi-useless to exploitative of uninformed customers but voluntary work gets old too. In low doses it does however retain a positive feel to it that regular jobs cant hold. >>20369 I think the main problem is income. People are getting increasingly poorer. All the crap you fill your day with happens cause you cant afford to do what you really want to. More crap to buy but too poor for anything of true value. To illustrate it how extreme it is: adjusted for inflation you could at one time earn more as a gas station worker than you can now as a tenured professor. In the span of 70 years the avg person lost immensely in buying power.

>>20371 I wouldn't mind being poor if I also had free time. Unfortunately that too is becoming a luxury.

>>20369 My (uneducated) take is slightly different. I think after reaching certain level of safety and comfort first world simply switched to consumption and entertainment. We aren't dying from the bubonic plague(well, there's corona but my cow brain is conditioned to think that it will all blow over after a while and we'll be fine), we aren't going to war so we keep consuming soykaf to fill the void. Some people saw profit in that, fast forward to post 80s and here we are. I don't think it's all bad, general safety and comfort is better for us as a species, but the fact that media and entertainment became such an integral part of our lives really fuarrrks with me. But keep in mind I'm uneducated 20 yo male who thinks like this because he feels a little sad atm. I will probably be going back into the cage soon. Does anyone have interesting /lit/ on this subject btw?

My dog passed away today. She ran off too far, played in the highway, and was hit by a truck. I found her body an hour ago after getting a text from a neighbour. She was very energetic, happy, and fun. She loved to be spun in circles in the floor - she was only a couple dozen kilograms, so getting her going was easy. Though, she didn't know her limits very well, and would easily get scared and hide under the table if she got too much speed. Nothing a spoonful of peanut butter couldn't fix, though. She had her own spot on the couch she slept on, and would even let you tuck her in with a blanket and pillow. She was very affectionate, and you couldn't sit next to her without getting showered in kisses. Sometimes, I would catch her tongue in my palm just to mess with her - she didn't know how to react to that! She had a distinctive "baked af" look on her face at the end of a long day, with her eyes squinted to the max and her head held back. One time, she jumped on my back while I was crouched down petting one of our other dogs - she was always jealous like that - and was licking my face at 200km/h; so, I grabbed her hind legs and gave her a piggyback ride around the room. I loved her so much. She was, to me, an embodiment of pure love. You just couldn't have a bad day when she was around. Please, go hug your dogs, for me. You never know how many you have left to share. I just wish I could've gotten one more from her. I love you, Sig.

>>20372 it's the same problem. The lower the income the more you need to work for less.

>>20375 Condolences brother, it sounds like a real lovely creature. Stay strong and keep your head high, all of you. Life might suck right now but we can make it trough day by day for a better future.

>>20373 >Does anyone have interesting /lit/ on this subject btw? Someone mentioned Byung-Chul Han when I talked about this. I haven't read his books because I'm broke (ha), but he says that we switched from a society of discipline (obey God, etc.) to a society of achievements, where we're technically free but we burn ourselves out voluntarily to seek out rewards. I think this is naive, and the truth is, much less elegantly, that we live in a post-reality era. People are simply going collectively insane as the oligarchy exerts their power to erase, force in, or manipulate words, concepts, history, time and perceptions as they please for the sake of the market. Linguistically speaking, the way our vocabulary is developing is completely unnatural because words and meanings are being forced in, changed or erased at speeds that people can't keep up with. The part that terrified me the most about 1984 was always Newspeak and the manipulation of history by the Party. This is absolutely, 100% what is going on right now and it's not an organic process nor it is a seductive process. It's a deliberate, manipulative effort by the global oligarchs who have, literally - because the individual's reality is his perception - the power to bend reality. >>20375 I'm sorry lainon.

I'm sick as a dog Q_Q . I'm very confident it isn't conoravirus, it hasn't landed in my region, but damn it's bad. I'm sore, stuffy head, sweating and cold, bleh.

I'm trying to get into making music at a relatively ancient age for learning artistic talents (25). I feel confident sometimes, but then I hear a song by someone who has talent and years of experience and I get hit by a mix of awe and envy that makes me feel like soykaf. I get extra bitter when I remember I had multiple opportunities to learn throughout my childhood but got cockblocked by life for all of them, then became so jaded I just gave up until a few weeks ago.

All I do is wish for things but I never do anything to get closer to my goals. I wish I could kill myself and die, but instead I passively go with the flow. I wish I could create something worthwhile, but I don't have the patience and talent and will to improve. I wish I could change my life's circumstances, but I'm stuck in a rut and too afraid and don't have the motivation to actually change anything and don't want to take risks and actually change anything. I feel paralysed. I am terribly apprehensive of what's to come, I hate what I have now, I long for what used to be as it wasn't as painful and bad as what I'm stuck with now. I wish I had a diagnosed mental illness I could blame it all on, but I don't want to diagnose one, because I'm afraid it might come to bite me in the ass in the future, even if that future is already grim enough in my view. I am such a retard, I wish I could die in my sleep.

I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Time and events are blurring into each other. Everything feels distant. Last time I felt like this I was scared of going to sleep because I would just keep thinking about how the world isn't real and I'm being manipulated. I honestly thought I had schizophrenia or something. I really hope things don't get worse. At least I can sleep fine at the moment.

>>20383 I feel you, lainaon. Recently I was diagnosed with depression and I've been feeling exactly as you described for over 2 years now. I haven't started taking meds yet, but I'm sure they'll help and I think you should look for a professional.

>>20382 If you're making electronic music you shouldn't worry about talent because you don't have to deal with the manuality of learning an instrument. It all boils down to your work and knowledge of music (assuming you don't remix someone else's soykaf and call it yours).

>>20386 >>20383 "Creating something worthwhile" is a wild goose chase because you no longer have the agency to create meaning. Of course you'll fail. Your endeavors have meaning only when they're packaged and sold. The best you can dream to create in this culture is a successful product, and that dream in itself is a product being sold to you that you're supposed to yearn for like you'd yearn for the latest iPhone. Being unhappy with life as consumer cattle in a consumer cattle society is a mental illness, yeah see a professional, the problem is obviously you. I'm starting to hate this obsession with "productivity" that we're collectively fed in a time where everything we produce as a society has absolutely no meaning. Your lack of goals and productivity is just a tool to tell you that you are the problem, that your are lazy or mentally ill because you can't produce meaning in a world that doesn't want any.

I'd had a falling out with my mother and brother before xmas and didnt want to see them so didnt go. I'd got over it and forgiven them, then saw them yesterday and had a nice time. Then today my mother is calling me in the morning because my brother is still upset from the soykaf I did way back last year and was calling her in the evening after we hung out. I was drunk he provoked me, but hes still on that soykaf, we had a good time I thought we were over it. Then she once again uses an example of bad stuff thats happened to me against me to make a point. So I call her a dumb bitch because bringing up violent soykaf Ive been through to me is going to have that effect. She couldnt leave it 5mins on us being cool to ring me up and take my brothers side and entirely blame me for everything yet again. She's on that narcissistic supply emotional provocation soykaf, like us being happy and nice to each other isnt enough, she has to make a drama. Been fuarrrking depressed all day because of it, like we are back at the same point as b4.

>>20359 I never understand gender transition, what does it mean to be "stuck in the wrong body", do you feel happier wearing girls clothes or is it just a sense of belonging?

>>20392 Not that anon but it varies from person to person and there's no universal feeling to it. For me, at least, would primarily be how much I'm disgusted by my own body. I'm self-conscious of my height, how big my hands are, the build of my body, etc. I just feel like a big ugly monster sometimes. Sense of belonging is part of it, too. I just don't really feel like a man and being addressed as such feels... wrong at best. Most of my life feels like I'm just playing a role I'm supposed to rather than being myself.

>>20393 If you feel like talking about it, Could it be that you're simply judging a male body by female standards? Even a gorgeous guy is ugly if you look at him as a woman. Men have their own beauty to them, there isn't just one measure for everything. A cat is not a misshapen bird, it's a cat. I don't even mean it sexually since I'm straight, but since I dabbled in photography I always thought male beauty has been mistreated quite a lot. Male standards are just as unrealistic as the female standards that brought up radical feminism, but men aren't allowed to protest. You cannot look up to public opinion to find beauty in yourself. I'm no psychologist but try to accept yourself the way you are, and I don't mean as a male, but as a person who is probably more beautiful than you think. At least allow yourself to be judged by the metric that applies to you. And if it doesn't hurt to try, make an effort to not compare things and people, but find beauty in things you'd think of as ugly instead. It might not help you with your dysphoria but it cannot hurt you to look at the world and other people with curiosity and an intent to find beauty.

>>20396 You might think you're being helpful, but this is transphobic as fuarrrk. >>20392 It has literally nothing to do with clothing or being "in the wrong body". It's a complete mismatch between identity and body. >>20388 You're mistaking what lainon means by worthwhile. If it is self-fulfilling, it is worthwhile. No, this doesn't require it be a product. Does that mean society at large will value it? No but who cares what other soykafheads think.

>>20397 >this is transphobic as fuarrrk If challenging an idea like I did does damage to a person with dysphoria then I'm sorry, but keep the labels to yourself.

>>20398 don't earn it and you won't have it.

>>20397 you might think you're being helpful, but this is is unhelpful as fuarrrk. Please elaborate in what way lainon was being transphobic. He made suggestions in good faith and clearly presented them as such.

>>20400 Just let it go, no good can come out of this anyway.

>>20400 You're observing ye old "shes a witch, she works for the devil" and thus no further explanation is needed. Brand em so you can disregard them.

>>20402 >>20400 >>20396 >>20362 All these obviously non trans people giving advice on trans issues.

>>20403 gatekeeping kek

All sad music is about not having love anymore, nowhere can i find anything symaphetic for someone who has never felt intimacy and love. It would be so much easier if the only places of sympathy werent neckbeards and nazis.

>>20404 It's either someone falseflagging or a retard. Didn't even say something sensible like "you're not psychologists", as if I would want my therapist to be on SSRIs.

>>20403 Those "non trans" people know more about the topic than you.

>>20407 As evidenced by the blatant transphobia.

>>20406 Wasnt there something with psych students having higher concentration of issues than avg? So your therapist might need a therapist for real. Read it some long time ago and still remember it since its funny.

>>20410 I recall a study that backs up this observation. I *believe* it has to do with a fascination with defects of the self and coming to understand the mechanisms. However, my memory isn't the best.

>>20405 My friend when he was about 30 wrote a song about being incel. He didn't say in the lyrics but it had to with being gay, plus he was kind of this eccentric nerd who cared about almost nothing besides music. It sounded like New Order. If I can find a link I'll post it.

>>20410 Half the people who study psych do so because they want to find out what's wrong with themselves. This is sort of an open secret. Loads of therapists really are on SSRIs, that's why they think the drugs are good for everyone else.

>>20410 I had a roomate who worked in a psych ward and she went to therapy, though I'm not sure if it was expected of her to get checked regularly since her line of work was so tough. But I have never seen a therapist who didn't challenge my depression.

>>20405 Agreed. Although I'd like more topics in sad music in general. Not just to do with love, but loss, mental illness, bad events, loss of a friend, bad luck. I know the blues is pretty varied in its subject matter, but I find it isn't as varied in style, if that makes sense. >>20412 That would be awesome, thanks for looking. >>20413 >>20411 >>20410 That's kinda neat and scary. I'm a bit wary of psychoactive medications, but maybe it's just paranoia.

>>19911 >>19921 (@11) It's more of an edgy thing. If you care to change that, things that in general numb you (sports, alcohol, flashy fast vidya with a flow) can probably help you not be locked in a state of constantly seeing bad stuff into people. >>19940 Resets don't exist. Stop trying to push things behind a magical wall called "past" and just actively avoid them today. >>19949 If you can't get out of bed and go to work/uni/for a walk with the thought that this will be the last day of your life, it means you're clinging into something false that you'll never have. >>19950 Not bad. >>19982 How do people do this. How do they cry? I swear to god I forgot. >>19988 Shit advice with magic black box thinking and post-rationalization. >>20173 Holy fuarrrk nice picture!

>>20396 I'm the lainon you're replying to. >Could it be that you're simply judging a male body by female standards? Even a gorgeous guy is ugly if you look at him as a woman. Men have their own beauty to them, there isn't just one measure for everything. A cat is not a misshapen bird, it's a cat. I mean yeah, obviously. The thing is that I don't want to look like a man, that's sort of the whole point. I don't want to look "pretty" in of itself, I want to look like a woman who happens to be pretty. I have tried to deny it for a long time, mind you, to just accept "objective reality" (as an old friend of mine would put it) and deal with it. To not "cry over spilled milk," as I used to tell myself. It just doesn't work. All it did was make me more miserable, self-hating, and deteriorate my mental state even further to the point I am now. It's as >>20397 pointed out, it's a mismatch of body and identity. I do agree that I shouldn't apply societal standards to myself and that it'll only bring me pain. I don't think... I'm too bad looking to be fair even as a "woman", I just hate how boyish I look. I'm also in an environment where I can't present myself/dress however I want and that definitely doesn't help. I'm hoping all of this will be less of an issue once I start HRT with its physical and psychological changes, and living somewhere that allows me more freedom.

>>20417 Do you think it's body dysmorphic disorder instead of dysphoria? I think everyone has discomfort over their appearance, but BDD is wanting to fix and change things about your appearance even if you look ok. Like as an example, "I don't like my nose, they're too big, they look too big, I wish I had a button nose instead, I'm going to get surgery" kind of thoughts even though everyone else around you think your hands look fine. I'd say ask a psychiatrist about it but during this political climate they might push things the wrong way. The HRT isn't going to change your male body structure after all, so you might as well just learn to love your body as is.

>>20417 This likely isn't the best place to seek help for this, there's just too many transphobes here. My advice is seek out a gender clinic or a sympathetic psychiatrist and work out a battle plan for how you want to approach solving the problem. For you this can vary from anything from exclusively social transition, all the way to gender confirming surgery. Don't feel pressured to be a "true trans", that's just internalized transphobia; you should only do what you feel is necessary to reduce the dysphoria to either zero or an acceptable level.

>>20419 It's definitely "body dysmorphia" but that's the case with most if not all trans people whenever they're self-hating about their body. People just say dysphoria instead since it's a "one-fits-all" kind of term and the pain is similar enough to "actual" dysphoria. HRT isn't going to alter my body structure, that is true, but it'll still bring changes to my body that I find very desirable, on top of physiological and hormonal changes that will most likely improve my mental state by making me feel more like a "girl." I'll still have to learn how to love my body, and I'm certain HRT will help for the reasons I gave. So why not? >>20420 I appreciate the thought but I'm not really seeking help here, just explaining it to someone who wanted to have a conversation. I think it's a worthwhile discussion to have for both sides.

>>20421 No worries, I certainly can respect that.

>>20420 If you think this discussion was hateful you are not ready for the real world. No matter what problem you have, you are the problem, not the environment. It's irresponsible to expect the entirety of a healthy society who would rather not hear about your issues to kowtow and put a red carpet where you walk just to make you comfortable. I hate getting told to "man up" when I have disassociation and other scary soykaf that makes me want to kill myself, but I spare myself the delusional self-importance to expect everyone else to recite a script of my design whenever I'm around. You're not better or more entitled than the other mentally ill. If you're not trolling you should consider not spitting on people who act in good faith.

after my ex broke up with me i don't feel pressured to find a job or find a degree to do, she came out of such a nice family and they were all so supportive for me since i lost my job but i felt so anxious of not having a job and such. But now, after she broke up ( because we just didn't match that well ) i feel more at peace i guess. I'm currently a NEET, my only social interactions are at the gym which i love to do. But i feel so soykaf honestly, i don't have much to do and can't find a job in my region really. i have a small degree which is meh. i find this lifestyle comfortable but also feel fuarrrking soykaf after just having played vidya all day, it just numbs my anxiety and i could honestly say i am mentally addicted to the pc and playing games. Only working out and pc give me anxiety relief. i don't mind studying, but fuarrrk, i have no clue what to do. i'm 20 with a community college degree but i'm so directionless. i want to become a fitness instructor, which you need to get a certificate, but there's so many certificates out there. ugh, only one to blame is me i guess.

>>20423 >If you think this discussion was hateful you are not ready for the real world Nonsense. People trolling via the safety of imageboards are always harsher than people in real life, where words have actual consequences, sometimes violent ones.

>>20425 Are you talking about yourself or the other posters here?

>>20426 What? I was just injecting into a conversation I wasn't previously a part of. It's a general observation about imageboards vs the world. Chans attract dickheads in higher percentage than they exist in the general population, and these dickheads have free reign to be mean and to troll because there aren't any consequences. Everyone knows that. If you shoot your mouth off here, nothing happens. If you do it in real life (or even social media with a nam attached) you risk being shunned by observers or punched in the balls physically.

>>20427 Well that settles it!

>>20423 >people who act in good faith Being explicitly and bluntly transphobic is not good faith. I'm sorry you have mental illness, but that isn't an excuse to soykaf on people. >>20427 Murder for instance? >>20425 >>20428 If you shoot your mouth off, there's a possibility your target could kill themselves. That's a little more than "nothing".

>>20430 > there's a possibility your target could kill themselves. I was talking about consequences the person being a dick faces. If you cause some other anonymous to off themselves, you don't even risk feeling remorse since you'll never know it happened.

>>20428 This is academics / sheltered kids talking in a filter bubble. Ghetto talk can be rougher than chans without anyone getting shanked. There line isnt insults or not, its soykaf like dont insult parents and you're fine - talk all the soykaf you want directly nobody gives a fuarrrk.

>>20430 >there's a possibility your target could kill themselves. That's right. The alienation I feel when I get called transphobe despite my genuine attempt to be polite and understanding is contributing to my depression and will inevitably see me at the end of a rope. You monster. I'm sorry you have mental illness, but that isn't an excuse to soykaf on people, you know.

>>20432 OK... I certainly wasn't talking about life in a ghetto, and I doubt many Lains live there anyway. I was talking about most social spaces in the civilized world. Thank you for showing your street cred though, it'll go far on anonymous imageboards.

>>20433 If getting called names online causes your suicide, I'm gonna hafta include you in the ranks of mentally ill as well. Perhaps this site isn't a good place for you.

>>20435 it was sarcasm

>>20432 I'm literally dying of laughter. >>20433 >alienation from being called a transphobe getting called something that legitimately describes you versus the perpetuation of oppression are wholly different things.

>>20438 >taking advice from a chan >>20439 >specific times *anytime. FTFY.

>>20441 >anytime Nope... there's definitely a decrease in maturity and IQs during the weekend here, and a higher intolerance for different ideas.

>>20434 Showing how butthurt you are in a roundabout way isnt impressive. The factual point is this isnt your university. The net holds every type of person and you have no idea in fact how many here come from soykafholes and thus talk simply accordingly without policing themselves to fit in.

>>20447 That wasn't butthurt, it was dismissiveness. And I'm not in uni. Trying to win arguments by showing the other to be more privileged than you, now THAT reeks of butthurt.

>>20447 >The net holds every type of person Yeah but imageboards don't and this site is an even smaller sampling of the population.

>>20445 >That was the joke Do you know what a "joke" is? >coddled yuppie If only I could call myself a yuppie, life would in theory be better. >>20450 mostly people with extreme and narrow views.

I don't want to have to censor this thread, given its precedence of being a place where people can just generally vent about their human condition, but bickering over who is transphobic and who isn't is on topic for this thread. Such bickering is also a clear example of Rule 3, Rule 4, Rule 5 violations. To the original poster >>20359 , if you want advice, you are better off making a separate thread for that in /hum/, and taking the advice of anonymous or pseudo-anonymous strangers on the internet with more than a grain of salt. To the rule violators, Yes I get you want to support the original poster in one way or another, or you want to understand where they are coming from, but derailing this thread into bickering of the one true trans ally (one true Scotsman variant) isn't the way to do this and if it continues, the I will be forced to delete derailing post chains, before eventually locking this thread, and limiting its future format.

My sense of time has been messed up. What I remembered that happened a week ago seems like a month. I don't know why but time has just gotten so fast, things have somehow speed up for me, i'm losing memory.

>>20450 was somewhat true when chans were secret clubs. Popularity killed that. As of now they under constant siege by various groups on conflicting missionary missions. As for here, the only common factor is some tech affinity. That's too little to have any meaningful unification factor. Especially when the discussion isnt about tech.

>>20462 You're not really helping by contributing to it.

>>20461 Thats normal. Memory bandwidth goes down with age which means latter stuff remains less vivid but you also have less memorable moments since more becomes simple repetition. If you go traveling it can help since its all fresh. I went a month hiking through a country and it felt like more happened in that month than what happened in the past decade. Novelty is key.

>>20464 I'm not in the position to travel freely but I somehow don't care because I want to have some type of memory lost. I want my memory to be gone due to the terrible things that i've done. So maybe I should not complain a lot

>>20462 Maybe 5-8 years ago this was true. Mainstream users don't care about chans very much anymore. They know about them, but the novelty has passed. Everything for them is facetwitter these days. The few that stuck around the imageboard scene are well acclimated now and the rest of us are just stubborn aging farts. There's no point being elitist about it anymore.

>>20461 I'm not sure why, but I think when I was 14 something in my brain's perception of time must have changed. Things I remembered happening before that were actually more recent than I thought, and things after that were further away than I recalled.

>>18085 here Nothing has changed, but now I think how pointless it is when I just wake up and play video games all day and do nothing. I did that today as well.

>>20466 >visit quadchan >some people hating on anime img posters >twitter&fb screencaps as thread starters >reddit has dedicated chan content section which means it happens in reverse too creating a loop The board is now part of the hive mind even if its still kicking & screaming. Crossposters connect the big platforms into one big blob. Im not saying they are full mainstream but they simply wont ever be the isolated island doing its own thing anymore. If you want objective data look at site traffic - its very popular.

>>20468 Don't you get bored of it? I mostly stopped gaming cause nothing can hold interest.

I miss when I was able to play games and watch anime. Now I can't even to that anymore, nothing holds my interest. Everything feels so boring and I do nothing all day.

>>20472 I feel you. Yesterday I made a concious effort to just watch anime and play vidya, rather than aimlessly browse the internet. I was honestly shocked how much I managed to get through.

>>20474 >>20472 Wasn't there a scene in Back to the Future 2 where the dad says "glad to see you watching some TV for a change"...? I think I understand now.

>>20475 Thats more of a remark on social change, unlike depression saping satisfaction from hobbies.

>>20476 Are you just plain depressed or is it that combined with being dependent on interaction with whatever websites you're using? Are you distracted from old hobbies because you're constantly wondering if anyone replied to some posts you made online? Because I understand that one.

>>20477 Youre describing social media addiction which is just old gambling addiction merely for replies instead of shiny coins. As for depression - research says it actually counteracts gambling addiction. I believe they explained it with pessimism being a really effective counter.

>>20470 Your mistake was even clicking on that thread

>>20468 I know that feel, it's like you're wasting time waiting for something good to happen, except, nothing good ever happens. >>20471 When your life is running out and you have nothing to do ... no you don't

I have been happy since December 31, 2019. For the first time in my life, I've succeeded in making this year be good. Everything's been doing well. Not much remarkable has happened but these last weeks have been the happiest and most peaceful I have ever experienced. No depression, no lethargy, no existential dread. A little bit of irresponsability as always but I believe I can change that before the year ends. I have been losing interest in videogames. Instead of taking this negatively, I'll try to spend time in other hobbies so I can be more creatively productive. Just wanted to say that, lains. Thank you for reading.

As a transgender person I absolutely hate LGBT and 'progressive' culture but at the same time despise the right wing. Why can't people just let others live their private lives without retarded moralizing? What happened to the general public's beliefs of freedom? Why does cancel culture exist, why do cultures of mockery and censorship exist? Why is everyone, left and right, clamoring for harsher punishments and stricter control just to 'beat' the other side? Can't they see and understand how this is going to backfire? The world is descending into barbarism and authoritarianism, is there any hope left? At what point should I just send my resume into the CIA or NSA to get a job there? I have the skills and degree, is the only way out by abandoning my philosophy and morals and embracing sociopathy to obtain as much wealth and power as possible?

>>20485 Anti-authoritarianism died in the USA when the liberty vs authority debate was manipulated into becoming a right vs left debate. Left and right wing libertarians used to be on friendly terms. Murray Bookchin used to give speeches at right-libertarian parties; if he did that today, he would have been cancelled for "enabling cryptofascist conferences" or something. Now they side with the authoritarians on their side of the political spectrum.

>>20485 You should probably quit social media and stop consuming mainstream vehicles of information. Build a social circle of sensible, smart people you like who won't take political arguments personally. In my experience, it's not worth it acknowledging people outside of your subjectivity. >embracing sociopathy to obtain as much wealth and power as possible? If you want to. That's minmaxing the system you live in, and it works if you have the opportunity to do so. But that wouldn't satisfy you, now would it?

>>20486 It's mostly left-wing authoritarianism. Right-wingers always are going on about their concern for liberty and constitutional rights and protest as such. When we look at left-wingers we find: cancel culture, pronoun/speech/thought policing, doxxing, wishing ill upon their perceived enemies, using violence to get their way, openly calling for changes to the system that will bias it in their favor, calling for freedom-curtailing laws, and on and on.

>>20485 It's a self-perpetuating cycle, the first person or group or party that tries to shed these terrible means is just going to get crushed by the opposition, so they have to keep doing it to survive. The general public never believes in anything substantial, only whatever the shiny screen tells them. It's social media conglomerates now, it used to be TV, before that, newspapers. The general public's belief in freedom is just like any other publicly held belief, with time it can be eroded by those who want to, new children are born that are raised by schools and academia that have their own, differing views, immigration brings in people with values that don't match current ones, technology allows for new opportunities and smashes old rule systems that were necessary before being replaced. Nobody cares about the underlying issues about censorship, nobody cares about the consequences their actions will hold for the future, you have to win NOW or everything will be over, that's what they say, the ends justify the means, even if the means lead to a worse end. I see this as a natural course for society, it's not worth it to get your head in a spin over things out of your control. The best you can do is what >>20487 said and build a circle of friends or associates that can help you carry yourself through the storm of this societal turning point.

>>20488 The most radical elements of the right would disagree with you, if you remember that recent stint they made about the proliferation of pornography on the internet and how it should be derezzed. It doesn't really matter though, the right in most of the world only ever wins symbolical or easily reversed victories, what they stand for doesn't matter as they stand against the unstoppable force of time. Whatever values they want to maintain, whether it's the "bad" and "oppressive" ones like discrimination against your assorted religious or minority group, or the "good" and "patriotic" ones like individualism and negative rights and such, they're still going to be washed away sooner or later. The current leftward shift of society is steering towards more authoritarianism, so that's what we're going to get, either that or people are gonna start killing each other like old times. This concept was talked about frequently in neoreactionary writings and blogs, but I never delved deeper into that stuff because I was already apathetic about politics at that point, everything's gonna burn, whatever. I'm also too lethargic to pursue any learning or personal/political growth, so even getting immersed into an ideology is too much work for no gain, whether practical or emotional.

>>20488 I mean fair, and I know this might seem like a pointless distinction but that's not the left. That's the neoliberal woke bourgeois. Rich assholes who think everything is just an aesthetic debate, and are only interested in making themselves look heroic in front of the only people they are exposed to in their insular, wealthy environments who they consider to be "marginalized": other extremely wealthy people like them, but people of different races, religions, sexualities and women. A few tokens they lifted up to have around and make them feel like they aren't monsters. To give them something to do to assuage their aristocratic boredom. They never give a fuarrrk about the poor of all shapes and colors, regardless of how much they say they supposedly cherish all these contrived identity groups. They get twitchy and frightened of the poor and rapidly call the police to sweep them into the sewer. Or into mass graves if they're overseas, because neolibs literally don't consider anyone outside of our borders to be human. Just shapes to drop expensive computerized bombs on. They shriek about controversies affecting supposedly oppressed people who really are other stupidly wealthy PMC bourgeois, but have never really faced any real injustices or adversity in their lives. They'll fill the news cycle with drama about some millionaire trans person for weeks, but trans people in royalty were just fine in the fuarrrking 1400s, let alone today. It's not all these dumb, neurotic identitarian terms and sub-taxonomies, then further multiplied by this bone-headed idea of "intersectionalism." It's class. It's how much power they have in capitalist society that makes people downtrodden. Period. Class is the root of it, and focus on class is the only solution. It will lift all these identities that neolibs collect like pokemon while they stomp all over the world's poor without a thought. The execution of power and who wields that power to secure the resources they need is all that politics should be about. The rest is PR and smoke screens and Bernaysian nonsense meant to confuse and cause infighting. But to the wokey woke PMC neolib dummies, all of this is a big prestige TV show for their entertainment and titillation. I mean look at how they can't even talk about politics without some tired-ass Game of Thrones reference. They're idiots. They've erased their class consciousness, have no idea whether they're upper or lower class, privileged or oppressed, and they've so fully bought into the spectacle that they have entirely forgotten about the material world. They're helpless to even defend their own privileges and rights in society, they're losing every bit of wealth they accrued for generations and own nothing as if they're medieval serfs, despite having dumbass "knowledge economy" degrees and jobs that produce nothing but vapor. They shadowbox with fantasies about how power and politics work while they lose everything and fall into the lumpen, not to mention destroying society around them in the process. It's an illness. Left people also hate the libs.

>>20490 >>20488 It doesn't really matter what the right wants, the left has all the power. The most radical element of either group is going to be the most absurd, and in the case of right-wingers (including nazis) it is a fringe minority. >>20491 >that's not the left >that's the neoliberal woke bourgeois that is patently false. leftists are the ones pushing identity politics and forcing all of these extremest views down our collective throats. if anything, neoliberals are the spinless dickheads who refuse to stand up for themselves and say no.

>>20493 >It doesn't really matter what the right wants, the left has all the power I mean, that's what I already said with my post, the right has everything going against it, whether it's institutions or time itself. The intellectual clergy says what is done, and it is done, simple. >>20493 Neoliberals just ride the waves of leftist identity politics for sympathy and political power, the guy your replied to was right in calling them grifters, but for the wrong reasons.

What's with the political discussion in this thread? FFS keep your retarded views to related threads instead of trying to push your perverse ideologies onto everyone who doesn't care/doesn't agree.

>>20495 Gomennasai.

I don't what you're talking about when you (in general) say the left is against freedom? They just want to free themselves from oppression, and the right has made it clear they believe that oppression is good, natural and it has to keep going.

Can we pĺease stop with these discussions in the vent threads? We literally had one yesterday at least give it some time.

>>20494 >right for wrong reasons it struck me as a bad faith move to take the heat off who it belongs on. >>20493 is right, the left has all the power and all the absurd politics stem from their belief system. >>20497 >oppression everywhere I look, the lefties are doing the oppressing. funny that.

>>20497 It's semantics. What the left considers oppression is what the right doesn't, and vice versa. Capitalism is oppressive for leftists and is considered freedom for rightists. Seizing of private property is liberation for leftists while it's considered a restriction of freedoms for rightists. Everyone can call the other pro-oppression, it's not an argument with any merit.

>>20498 Gomennasai again. Politics is an agitating topic and intrinsically linked with society and humanity as a whole, soykaf happens. I'd post something /hum/ to make up for it but I'm about to die if I don't go to bed.

>>20500 >iT's SeMaNtIcS ya, because depriving people of freedom and agency is semantics. leftists are about much more than capitalism and private property, and even if we ignore those two (large) concerns, there are hundreds of other authoritarian ways leftists are stripping people of their basic rights.

>>20502 It's not about capitalism but more about hierarchy at its core.

>>20484 Right on, lainon. Using your time wisely and having a creative outlet are good things. This year hasn't been going too well for me (mood wise), but I've made a great effort to better myself every day with my hobbies and there's some pay off. If I manage to get onto just one of the universities I've applied for, my life should pick up considerably. Unfortunately that's largely out of my hands, but I don't think it's an impossibility.

>>20503 I disagree, but I'm not gonna chase the last word and further soykaf up and derail this thread.

Every time I see a creator who put themselves on the map when they were young (college-age if not before), I get insanely jealous. I'd look into their story and it's like, they started doing their creative hobby in their early/mid teens, which was how I was too. But unlike me, these people had supportive people in their lives. Their parents were still together, and they cared enough about their child's success without pushing them too hard. They had enough self-confidence to publish their early stuff, as awful as it may have been, and get feedback for it. Which then gave them what they needed to improve their skills and make even better stuff to show the world. But I guess no one notices those traits because it's normal for people to have them. I wish more people cared about those of us who did start young, but never got anywhere because we lacked guidance, support, and self-esteem. I get that no one would want to; after all, what have we contributed? But it'd be nice if people just recognized that, for every person who gets praise because "he started when he was FIFTEEN", there's hundreds more who started right around that age but got shafted by their upbringing. At least I've stopped letting it hold me back from making my own stuff. I'm doing a game now, and despite the mountain of unfinished projects going all the way back to my teens, I feel I might finish this one. I don't expect a lot of people to care about it, I don't imagine it being even a moderate success or presenting anything unique, I'm just doing it so I'll have one less regret when I die. But it still kind of hurts, because I know I won't be done with this until I'm well into my 30s. If I had gotten good early on instead of letting my skills wane, I would have already made a game by this point. Maybe even two.

>>20508 I'm in a similar boat. I wanted to be a musician all throughout my childhood and adolescence, but I kept getting blocked by my parents, who said they did not want to have to deal with the practicing and performances. By the time I got a job and car I was too jaded to bother learning it myself, which I deeply regret because learning a new artistic skill as an adult is a pain in the ass. I'm still bitter, my school offered me a saxophone and jazz band position and my parents refused. Sorry for hijacking your vent. We're all gonna make it.

>>20509 thats horrible. I always wanted a drum kit and keyboard as a kid but never got one for some reason even tho we had space i could practice. It wasnt until I was 13 and an uncle left an old acoustic guitar that I finally took to music. You must. Force yourself. It works both hemispheres of the brain. fuarrrk everyone who tells you to keep it down. Myself Im not too good today. I blocked my mothers phone number today. Episodes with her go like this >oh this is nice, arnt we having a nice time no problems here >next day >haha plot twist you didnt see this coming Im going to fuarrrk with your head in the worst way possible. I spent the weekend doing codeine and not much else, she rly fuarrrked me up this time because I had got over things and made my peace, but no she couldnt let things be ok she had to antagonise me. My sister agrees I should go no contact if I not doing so makes me like this but she's advised me to go to therapy, which I have been waiting on from a legal team but doesnt happen, its ok from her saying this. but from anyone else it comes of as arrogant and bossy. I think I need to cut of electronic communication with my brother too, it doesnt go well, whats the point?

What do girls feel like?

>>20518 very soft

Welp, there we go. Today I mustered up all the courage I could to talk to my doctor and ask for a referral for a shrink. I visited one a long time ago as a late teen but it never went anywhere, I got a prescription for gummy bears which I failed to take consistently because of my lethargy, they ran out at some point and never helped, I still have all the problems and anxieties I had back then, only that they've seeped deeper into my brain after all these years. My life's been in a downward spiral for as long as I remember, not a quick and drastic one, just slow decay. To be honest, I'm kind of scared of getting better for some reason, I've paradoxically become used to the suffering, and this feels like being ripped out of my comfort zone. Hopefully I'll manage to stamp out some of my terrible personality traits and anxieties that have been dragging me down for most of my life. Now I've gotta muster the courage to get an appointment with them.

>>20520 >To be honest, I'm kind of scared of getting better for some reason, I've paradoxically become used to the suffering, and this feels like being ripped out of my comfort zone. I know how that feels. Sometimes I'm scared that I'm truly worthless and as soon as my mental state stabilizes that will become apparent and I won't have any more excuses.

>>20521 I know what you mean. The thought that I could've looked for help earlier and that I wasted my most valuable and productive years sitting around and doing nothing is frightening, but it's in the past now, and I can't change that anymore, I lost my opportunities, that's it. One of the reasons for seeking them out is that I want to learn how to deal with that thought properly, I can't look at the future if I'm stuck in the past. Or maybe all of this will go nowhere again, just like last time, who knows, but I've got to at least try.

>>20493 Seriously. Get to know some actual economic leftists sometime. They aren't what you're describing at all. You're just stuck in yet another narrative.

Take the 'left right up down, us vs. Them bla bla bla' politics elsewhere please. Sometimes I wish aliens would invade so all this retarded infighting would go away for a while. >>20522 You didn't waste years, it's not like you chose to have your problems back then after all. That was out of your control, lainanon, so I hope you'll forgive yourself and that you'll find what you seek in therapy ^^

I guess you will believe me now that things have settled and you see how things are. But it doesn't matter. You will still tell it's not what I think it is.

>>20525 Still, so much time has passed with me being handicapped like this that everyone else left me behind, it feels like I missed out on living, and the best I could do now would still leave me far behind anyone else, stunted growth.

>>20508 Im a gamedev too and i been at it for 5 years with next to nothing to show off too. I know others who have been at it for about 10 years and they havent gotten really close either. Gamedev is a tough path to take, especially if you have ambitions and a sense of quality. I guess you just have to toughen it out like the rest of us. All i can say is dont beat yourself up over and try to be happy for others who made it. Besides there are too many cheap hacks out there, real quality art takes time. Good luck and keep your hear up.

>>20508 >>20532 Sorry to barge in, but reading this makes me jealous, wish I had a creative hobby I could draw enjoyment from. Or a hobby in general. My life is empty.

I'm too tired to contribute to this place. I left some posts unanswered on this thread and I have no energy to respond to threads that interest for me. Maybe that's because English is not my native language and writing in it and arguing are too tiring. It's hard for me, because I lost my home chan already forever and I don't want to lose this place.

>>20536 Good.

>>20536 Hey, at least you managed to respond to this thread about how you can't find the energy to respond to threads. Maybe you're just tired out, of this place or just in general, you can take a break if you need. What home chan did you lose?

>>20538 >What home chan did you lose? The Polish vichan. The place was full of perverts, weirdos, pedos, autists and artists, but it was fun.

>>20541 Sorry to hear that. I've never lost an imageboard "forever" like you did, the only ones that disappeared for awhile were Krautchan and Meguca, which both had replacements come online sometime later, but I never browsed them much to begin with. Maybe there's a replacement for yours somewhere as well and you haven't heard of it yet, who knows. Though you shouldn't worry about this place dying anytime soon, the only reasons that an active imageboard dies is either through lack of funding or being shut down, Lain looks OK on the funding front and it's a bit too obscure and tame to have mass shooters post their manifestos on it. Also, thinking that a place is going to die is exactly WHY you should post on it, as you're going to make some nice memories of it before it disappears. Just for the record again, this site ain't gonna die as far as I can see.

>>20541 I've lost my "homebase" online twice. One was a chan just like this one only it smaller and not overrun with political extremists pushing an agenda. The other was an older model forum and was far more important to me and a lot of other people too. The first was lost to a catastrophic failure on the part of the hosting company, after which our admin didn't have enough interest to start over. The second was lost after years of corruption and personal politics where one group left holding the keys didn't want to lose their funding because the opinions of a few people (namely me and my friends) might "tarnish" their reputation so they pulled the plug with no warning and started some other project. More and more online communities now are secret and by invite only. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach when you're one of the Sneetches born without a star.

I haven't talked to another person in almost a month.

I want to scream, I want to thrash around, I want to bang my head against the wall, rip out all that can be ripped out, break glass, break furniture, throw things around violently, then collapse and die. I can feel all this on the inside, it's intense and awful, but physically I'm only sitting in my chair. During periods when I felt terrible really bad I'd actually do most of the things I described above, but currently I feel like a vegetable that's started fermenting on the inside and that will burst with putrid juices soon. What a disgusting fuarrrking metaphor.

So I am in the process of interviewing for quite a big company, the name of which you surely know. So far, it all went oddly well. I may even get that job and if I don't then no biggie; I have few more on side. One may ask what is my fuarrrking problem then? Firstly I am something short of £800 in debt. Fair enough, pretty bad, mate, but is that my main concern? Well, it was for a while and appropriately; I went to a Job Centre and signed up, hoping to get some silly job in the meantime, and in the meantime I went down to £5 pounds on my account, which may feed me toasts, peanut butter and beans (which I totally adore and would eat even I wasn't poor!) for the next 10 days mixed with fasting. But in a few days I won't be even able to call Job Centre to hear once more that they don't have anything for me! So I think that I may not be far off from truth stating that I might be quite fuarrrked? This realization understandably made me think what to do about it lately. I am quite sure I can't die, you can't just die in the first world, right...? (and I am not going to kms btw) ...unless people I owe money to will threat my existence, and while my landlord is really considerate (I should be able to stretch not paying him for few weeks more), I do have to return £300 to someone the end of Feb. Even if I run out of money for food I can probably find something in supermarket skips or steal. Being immortal calms me down a lot but I still need to get the money and my most dauting question is; how could I go about it, if even Job Cenre warehouse manual labour don't want me? (I saw some ruthless predatory lainon literally trying to recruit sad suicidal lainon to 'internet marketing' scheme in one of the replays above and that was absolutely disgusting) (got recruiter call, while I was writing this and it reminded me that even if I finally get the real job, I have no financial ability relocate!)

>>20553 that's actually really bad for your mental well-being

>>20555 First off, don't blindly trust the financial advice of an internet stranger. With that said, what I can suggest is that you try to get on some kind of benefits, especially if you have no money in your account. If you end up getting the job (depending on what it is) you may be able to discuss a relocation package. If you know what you're doing - and I cannot stress that enough - you could try to get some 0% interest credit cards and move the balance until you're better financially. I guess as general advice you could also read some of the pages on Money Saving Expert. That guy knows his stuff.

Imagine disagreeing with my post and then repeating my argument. The lack of self awareness!

>>20557 I wasn't about to, thx anyway, and for advice. I guess what I am after is not so much about how to improve my finance or how to effectively save money but it is rather about surviving with absolutely no money at all and how to get it it when job isn't an option. btw I am such a fuarrrking soyboy that I find thinking about skipping, that I eventually will probably have to do, somewhat exciting just because it is wrong and technically illegal. This also means I can't, for example, mug off some fellow soyboy.

>>20553 If you don't count cashiers, the odd security guard or the librarian who always says good night (probably out of pity) I have gone similar stretches, more than once.

fuarrrk Im still in a depression from losing it and getting angry sat morning. I went to the shops and library yesterday and should work to get more money but with Corona virus in my town kinda makes me not want to go anywhere until we see how bad it might be.

>>20562 we are communicating now though right, its not the same as irl contact but its something. Imagine not being able to do this as well.

>>20567 It's still social interaction but it's not the same thing. A one-to-one conversation is completely different, online or otherwise. If we only count irl contacts then... i can't remember the last time I properly talked to someone at all.

My life is a waste. I have nothing to say.

>>20568 I just blocked my mothers phone number because using electronic communcation keeps going badly. Just gonna see her irl form now on I think.

>>20569 Mine is too. Wish I had something in my life.

>>20571 I dont wanna be advice guy but it can take something as simple as going to a hobby club or church to get out of a rut. I ride a bike doing deliveries, not as much as I should cause sometimes I get like this and dont wanna leave the house, but that gets me out and about. its not enough but something like that can bring events and people into life.

>>20573 >something as simple as going to a hobby club I mean no ill will towards you when I say this, but I'm absolutely sick to death of hearing this advice. No matter how hard I search for these they simply do not exist in my city. For any interest. Every time I say this I'm accused of not looking hard enough or just flat out lying, but I'm not. It's awful here and I just don't know what to do.

>>20574 I'd move from a city that lifeless. Most of the people I know are from having an active involvement in local music. Even if you dont play anything or dj, having an interest in a scene can be a good way to get out there...or chess idk

>>20573 You don't have to be apprehensive about doing something out of good will. I can say with good confidence that I've been in a rut for almost half a decade, I don't have any hobbies or interests, I'm not good at or knowledgeable about anything, nothing is fun anymore. I just sit around my computer browsing the internet or lie on the floor doing nothing. I'm trying my hardest to get out of this bullshit, because I have already wasted most of my productive years in a quasi-coma, and the day when my brain will calcify draws ever closer. Gotta look for a job, gotta visit a shrink, gotta get my driver's license, gotta find something that gives me happiness so I don't kill myself out of ennui. So much stuff to do and no energy for any of them.

Why my mother is driving me crazy >previous xmas promised we wudnt bring up politics >she did and forced me into a debate I didnt want with people until i was smeared and I got angry >claimed she didnt do it, did nothing wrong, wudnt apologise, later claimed she had apologised >have arguments on the phone with her about it >this year plan to come up for xmas, when talking to her she tells me not to get angry this year, I get frustrated because I had a legit reason to. >dont go >see her and my brother on friday, it all goes well, go to sleep happy >she calls me in the morning telling me my brother is still pissed off cause I said some offensive words to him when I was drunk and he provoked me, last year! I thought we were cool now, if it were the other way round she would take his side >she then uses a recent example of violent abuse I received comparing my behavior to that, using a bad thing I had been through against me, first thing in the mornng after I thought everything was fine now >i told her not to do it, she says it again, I call her a dumb bitch She cant let things lie, its text book covert npd, she will do these things and turn around and say "you are resonsible for how you feel." never apologise for the injustice or obvious angst it causes me. I cant take it, she does all of these things presented in the nicest way possible. I had a dream I cast a demon out of her, this is what its fuarrrking like! I cant take, after another impossible txt convo, giving me her unwanted advice I blocked her number. I will see her in person but not on phone anymore, its too emotionally draining, I cant do it. Im so pissed off she had to take our nice family encounter and drop a bomb on the good feelings we'd created the very next day.

I want to have a friend. A nice person, that I can share my life with. To be able to express my interests, opinions and feelings openly, not worrying about circumstances and get some support throughout the day, month or maybe even a lifetime. But I don't deserve this. People hate me, they all want to get rid of me and make world a better place. I'm the worst person ever created by two completely normal adults. When this will end? I'm very very very tired. I'm so sorry that you have to read this ill-minded bullshit. But there's no other place where I can go. I'm sorry.

Had a very esoteric(?) feeling the other day. I saw a lewd video of three bros crossdressing and all I could think was "I wish I had friends like that". Just two other people that would get on well enough to do that and it not be weird, and then maybe play video games with afterwards. Either I've gone off the deep end or I've ascended.

>>20584 I watched this yesterday. We can make things worse in our mind than they really are. Hope it helps, maybe theres some good stuff on there for everyone. Catatrophising https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4pP6HyXRMI

my friend was on the verge of suicide it absolutely destroyed me. its funny for so long i never thought much of her but i guess now she is my closest friend. ive known her for four years, we met dating. it went horribly and our friendship did too until recently. a conversation we had after really changed my view of her for the better I suppose. But I hate how much I love her. she is into all these things that the idea of somebody doing to her is disgusting to me, it makes me think she doesnt care about herself and I hate that. She acts like a mother thats her shtick almost with guys, who are usually younger or kind of baby faced. However the simultaneously wants to be degraded and something about that sexual dynamic frustrates and confuses the fuarrrk out of me. She only dates white guys and says all this vile soykaf about that, which despite me being white and doing the exact same soykaf I for some reason hate seeing other white men go after black girls, I know thats fuarrrking weird, but my brain always berates the men for fetishizing and being creeps. Yet I do the exact same thing. Just like how I berate her in my head for enjoying weird extreme fetish soykaf but I do too. Or like how I think its dishonest and weird that she plays the mom role to get boys to attatch themselves to her when I will often try to play dad roles to do the same. We are very different yet shes this reminder I guess of all of the things I hate I do and all of my hypocrisies. i have a girlfriend, i love her but I love this friend more and i just hate that. because I usually never like people I dont respect, i have so much respect for my current girlfriend and sometimes very little for this friend (because she practically demands you dont respect her) and I still love this friend more. I wouldnt miss class to be with my gf but I missed two days of school to stay with this friend and make sure she didnt kill herself. I find even the most disgusting parts about her intensely attractive. Shes probably made me cry more than anyone. In spite of all of this I know at the end of the day im basically just her pet, which is so fuarrrkinh ironic. I look down on her so much but im ultimately the one being dragged around. Shes even hinted at it openly to me I feel like but I cant tell. We sometimes get into these weird passive aggressive discussions where we both are sharing about people we are seeing, or sexual things we are into, knowing that the other person is going to be pissed off by it but wont be able to say anything because after all we are just friends. I remember us talking about plastic surgery we were going to get, both of us upset the other person would change their body purely to be more sexually appealing and trying to one up eachother with what surgeries wed be willing to get. Its so hard to tell though maybe I just perceive these discussions like this but the way we go back and forth and how every now and then she vocalizes dissapointment at a certain point makes me feel its mutual. this is like stupid but its just massively confusing everything in my life. I know that seems weird but because of her im having an ego death practically and unsure of anything about my life anymore especially relationships. i almost wish I never responded to her reaching out again, but at this point id never cut her off. in fact im ashamed to admit despite me spending years moving past my suicidal ideation, its come back at the thought of her leaving or killing herself. I wouldnt even if my mom died or if my gf left. so cutting her out just isnt an option its too late id rather die and thats fuarrrked. shes into all this spiritual soykaf i often feel like she cursed me, which is funny she has thought the same of me. i dont even know if I should post this its so personal and revealing but whatever fuarrrk it. everything I said is true and honest so I dont care.

>>20604 we sure do, i just freak out over the smallest things and have anxiety the whole day

>>20604 >depress, anxious and unmotivated. Wish I was at least one of those things. Having crippling paranoia/delusions is exhausting af.

>>20605 This reads like a fever nightmare what the fuarrrk. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with loving someone. It's not a choice. And you should probably desensitize yourself from these feelings of disgust: try to reflect upon them. I'm sorry that a person so important to you is going through hard times, be there for her.

I still hate myself for destroying my own health, physical and mental. This must be the most humiliating, unpardonably stupid thing, to harm yourself and suffer the consequences every day until you die. I don't want this. I never wanted this. I can't forgive myself. To be reminded of these and many other mistakes I've made is extremely painful. I just want my life to end, I want to do this in a moment of clarity like the one I'm having right now, when I remember the pain of the past that will haunt me into the bleak and uncertain future, when my senses and memory are keen, before I slip into numbness and put off what needs to be done yet again.

>>20257 Same, and it's very rough. Nothing feels worse than knowing you're outstanding and that you have a lot of potential, but can't get it out. >>20383 Going to therapy for that exactly. I don't know how I always manage to find that shred of hope, despite the odds. Hope you'll find yours, lainon. >>20508 Right in my heart, it hurts like hell. Wish you luck with that game! >>20543 Vichan was probably the only worthwhile chan in this soykafhole. Most people there were quite fuarrrked up (probably more so than an average 4chan anon), but one could still take some value out of it.

I hate my place in life. I am derezzed from driving because of eye problems. But I live in a place with no public transportation system and nothing within biking distance. I am a total slave to my parents, the only people I know who will give me transportation to places. They will not drive me to a job, so I cannot make any money, so I cannot move somewhere where I don't need a car. They also won't cosign any student loans, so I can't move somewhere to study and find work and residence while there. Military won't take me either. I am thoroughly stuck.

>>20608 it feels like a fever nightmare. ive been sort of just drifting through the days alternating between manageable and so much stress I ache. im doing everything I can to help her, including putting aside the feelings of disgust. its so stupid I promised id never compromise school or work again for someone but im dropping a class not wholly but in part because of this. Im trying to snap myself back into the grind but its so hard at the moment when I feel like every second is so precious because I just dont know when and I know she probably wont tell me if she really is about to so she doesnt stress me. Im trying to be composed so she doesnt think it is stressing me out but shes so perceptive she probably sees that it does. its also making me so irritable. I wanted to attack a different friend today who was acting like the fact that they didnt take their medication today like "haha XD off the meds". the suicidal friend she cant even afford insurance or medication, and she doesnt get it through work. Shes already in debt for having to pay for treatment for a concussion and wisdom teeth removal. I dont know everything just feels very wrong and this is such a crucial point in time im almost graduating and I have internships on the way. I cant freak out.

>>20567 I appreciate it, and it's why I'm here. I also today got an email from a friend I've never met who burst into tears when she opened the last correspondence from me, which included something from a third friend neither of us have ever met and whom she misses online. She had the kindest things to say about the way I write. Not only that she enjoys reading my stuff but that it makes her feel real, makes her feel recognized and not alone in the world. It was a nice thing to find in my inbox.

I have this thing that unexplainably brings up a lot of emotion. For some reason, the ending credits of Samurai Champloo when they play right at the beginning of the song in the later episodes instead of cutting to the middle of it. I watched it when I was younger and for some reason it stuck with me towards adulthood. When I heard the ending song again, I was reminded of it. I think it was the art. Going through the girl's childhood as she reminisces towards towards those memories on the beach. Something lost and unattainable. I guess it showed what life was like as a kid. Nothing mattered. I get the same feeling from impressionist paintings, like long lost memories that bring you nostalgia even though you never experienced those memories. They're cozy, and for a brief moment take you somewhere else. Combined with the credits song which is filled with yearn, and it communicates something that made me feel again. The closest I can get to another life. Something similar is that place in Skyrim where you put the dragon masks and get transported back in time. That place was cozy, and mentally I never wanted to leave it. Just somewhere else. What the fuarrrk is happening to my life. I'm reverting to childhood memories to escape my adulthood. I need to stop.

>>20233 At times i also feel like nothing in world really matters if i'm gone or not or if i'm there or not i get times where i'm just spectating the world as it is but not involved with it. People don't notice me as if i'm a ghost in a bleak world and that's fine however even people whom i know that i used to chat with i never see them again the only reason why i want to live is just so i can be with my father and go for some joyriding in my car. And grow up just so i can become a street racer just for the thrills of it because there isn't anything else better except cruising over 250kmh on the highway for me.

I don't know how learning works. I never liked reading books, they make me feel extremely tired after reading a while, I have trouble following lines after a line break, and whatever I read is forgotten in a short time, whether I "practically" apply it or not. I barely managed to read the required readings during middle-high school, even when I read the homework chapter I was scared of being called out because I forgot the facts I was supposed to notice, whenever someone else summarized something from them I had the thought: >wait, when the fuarrrk did that happen? Everything I have ever learned in high school was forgotten the next year, everything I'm currently learning in Uni is forgotten by the next semester. I have already forgotten large chunks of pre-calc math that people expect me to know in University. If I don't drop out and manage to graduate by some freak accident, I'll probably lose everything I was supposed to know once I try to enter the job market. I don't have any knowledge about anything, whether it's media, technology, politics, history, anything. Whenever I open my mouth to talk about anything with anyone, Dunning-Krueger kicks me in the head like a shotgun blast and I get laughed at by people who know more than me. Everyone just overwhelms me with how passionate they are for something, and then my inferiority complex kicks in and I feel like crying about having an empty life. Whenever I tried to learn any creative hobby the feeling sank in that I had no talent in it, I had trouble learning from mistakes or improving, I never felt any fun, nothing ever went anywhere no matter how hard I tried, until I just give it up from exhaustion. I am constantly tired, all day, I don't know what it feels like to be awake or have a clear mind since I have either static in my head, tinnitus, distracting pressure, or full-on headaches all the time, every single waking moment. I think I might actually be mentally disabled, but that thought terrifies the soykaf out of me, like I was destined from birth to be dysfunctional. Can't believe I actually enjoyed learning things as a kid, everything fell apart so fast.

>>20649 This... hits really close to home. Regarding your learning disability, maybe you have ADHD? I've always struggled with reading, learning, and improving much like you and I was diagnosed with ADHD some time ago. There's nothing scary about being "mentally disable" imo. If anything it proves it's not your fault and that you can do something to 'fix' it, namely medication.

>>20649 I identify with you. But your problem seems to be more serious. I hope you don't give up, lainon, you can always improve.

>>20650 I'd probably be fine with being disabled if I didn't have an inferiority complex to boot. I'm the type of person that doesn't care or wants to wish people well who are doing good, it's just some kind of intrusive emotion that I can't control, and it hurts when I try to suppress it. Would also help if I actually had anything I enjoyed in my life. I'm almost certain that I have some form of ADHD, but I'm not claiming it outright since I've never had it diagnosed. My parents never cared because they're awful, and I was scared of visiting shrinks until recently, and now their timetables are clogged until April, my town is filled with nutjobs it seems. I was also scared of medication for a while, anti-depressants or stimulants, for different reasons. On the former, it's that I always heard that antidepressants don't work or make you kill yourself or are overprescribed as band-aids to patch-up deeper psychological issues. Something doctors just throw around as candy for crying children and adult children. The thing about stimulants is that I feel a sense of dread about them, as if the only thing that would allow me to function in life is a drug I'll have to take for the rest of my life, literally a consumer human hooked to the pharma industry. I'm also kind of worried that my psychopath wigger brother is going to use my diagnosis to steal them from me to sell to underperforming lazy college students at a profit. I'm also an underperforming lazy piece of soykaf but I might actually be justified in needing it. At this point my fear over medication subsided, mainly because my life is just insufferable and I'm just seeking any way out at this point. Except suicide, no chance in hell I'm doing that. >>20651 I'm trying my best but it's hard when you're tired and demoralized. Thanks for the kind words though.

>>20649 My memory is absolutely abhorrent so I can relate to this. I have noted a few things that have helped me, and I hope they can help you too. For mitigation, in university I opted to take classes that were assessed with either essays or open book exams. I'm really good at research and academic writing, but if I have to remember it I'm completely boned. To tell the truth, despite graduating with (I think) the highest grade of my year, I remember very, very little of my degree. As far as committing things to memory, I've found from playing an instrument it helps to do a small of practice amount every day. I'm currently trying to learn a language and Anki (which uses spaced repetition) seems to be working really well. It also helps to get enough sleep, as that's what commits it to memory. With reading, it helps to read something you're interested in or enjoy. For a few months I've been going through half a volume of manga every night, and while it's not quite the same as a novel, it's better than nothing, and I think it's helped me get through longer academic papers. Starting is usually the hardest part, but if you can get past that it's less of a struggle.

>>20609 I've destroyed my mental health too and it absolutely hurts knowing that I will never be able to fix it. How can I ever fix myself

>>20635 I think I agree with you too, there are somethings that people are attracted to and can't stop thinking about.

>>20541 there is board vichan on 8kun (official successor to 8chan) - i dunno if it's what you are looking for, but here you go

I feel like the world has developed into something antithetical to everything I believe in. There is nowhere for someone like me to be. Even if I found other people who agreed with me, we would have no way to carve out our own place away from everything. I don't belong anywhere besides a grave.

>>20659 not the anon you've replied to right now, but yeah, /vichan/ exists on 8kun and offers just one board, which is nothing

>>20659 You're presuming upon 8 BILLION people. Keep looking lain.