vent / let it all out #10

Previous: >>12695 Because all voices have the right to be heard.

>>15055 i live with my dad but my parents are 'friends' and she visits sometimes since she lives close. i have a really bad relationship with my mother due to her being really abusive towards me, and manipulating me constantly, she caused a lot of stress and i decided to not talk with her at all for the past 5 months. But she still ''cares'' about me and is sad that i don't talk to her, but it's funny because all the times i did tell her she was causing literal hell to me and someone close to me, she just had tantrums/yelling sprees/manipulative actions towards me. but no, she 'loves' me. She hurt me so badly and i'm still in fuarrrking pain because of that, i'm just blocking all the past memories out, i can't live my life in constant anger, regret and self-loathing, i guess i'm just also mad that i made my closed one go through this behavior because that person also had to sit through her yelling/crying and manipulative actions. So today, she came over and congratulated me for finishing college - i ignored her. She kept on talking for around 5-6 minutes, and even told me she wanted us to go to spain for 2 days and to relax. I started laughing because how insane that sounded, but to her, it sounded.. normal? like she casually said: ''the past has been rough and i know i made mistakes, so can we go to spain and talk it out?''. I gave her, a LOT of chances, but no, i'm not going to fall in her manipulative behavior again, this just seemed like a huge spit in the face to me, as if i were not fuarrrking suffering still to this day because how one single person (her) made me feel this way. So opened my mouth, and told her how much she hurt me and how much it still hurts to this day, and she kept repeating what she kept doing wrong, this kept on for few minutes, but it just seemed pointless, if she can't remember what she did wrong then there's no point in me telling her how fuarrrking soykaf i feel. I wish i kept my mouth shut, because my mood is totally ruined now, i hate having fights, mainly why i blocked all memories out from the past, i feel fuarrrking disgusted with myself, especially because i made my loved one go through this too.

>>15056 i just wish things were different back then, if my mother was never in my dads house my whole relatonship would've been way better, because all of the past fights with my ex were involved about my mother. but now, i'll never see my ex again, ever. i'm basically alone, i have no friend group, i'm sorry for typing so much, i have no one else to talk this about. i wish i had a partner again who would ask me how i were and if i could do the same thing, i just wanna die i feel so alone, even though im starting my full-time summer job next week, and went to a meeting for a college i will be going at, i still feel the same, the only people i talk with is one guy at the gym whose very kind and my therapist. i'm pathetic.

Had 2 different skinhead ethnic maniacs, in shorts looking like they just been to an MMA fighting gym (on separate occasions) try to start soykaf with me when going about my business. The recent one he bumped into me deliberatly and I got pissed. I shoulda let it go but it didnt escalate into anything bad, just a bit of tense talk back and forth. I have a chest cam going when I work now. Confrontations like this make me feel like the Devil is trying to tangle with me from time to time. It's crazy out there, I have to learn to not tangle with the Devil and just ignore him...except sometimes he's in me too.

>>15061 jesus, that sounds terrifying. maybe call the police next time such a thing happens? try to avoid these things, you will never know if they might do something more to you

It seems like I'm trapped in a cycle of addiction relapse, self disgust, guilt, depression, and further relapse. I've been trying to end my addiction to pornography for years but I just can't quite kick it.

My body is failing me. The things I used to like are no longer enjoyable, nothing sparks enthusiasm in me these days, last time I deliberately learned and remembered something was back in university when I was under pressure to do it; I'm stagnating, but I can't say I'd feel better if things were to change, if I were forced to change. I want to be spared of all of life's nuisances. Life is tiring, but when I say this, I mean my life, not life as in everything that simply is. I don't want to work, I don't want to take care of my body, I don't want to maintain social contacts, I don't want to put my mind to waste by age and tedium. I want to be a brain in a jar and to be able to observe life. I, essentially, want to leech off humanity, I already do, to some extent, but I want to take it to a next level. Just keep my brain alive and kicking, feed me all the needed nutrients, let me perceive the world, let me learn, free of all the unnecessary trouble, hook me up to the Internet. This is all I'm asking for.

>>15055 "reality" has been fuarrrking me up a lot. i'm at the point where there doesn't seem to be a seam between what's in my mind and what isn't anymore, it's just all one experience. at times, the things in the "real" world feel significantly less real than what's in my head. there;s no way to word it that sufficiently describes what an intense and extremely unsettling experience this is - even just writing it now and rereading what i wrote to ensure it sounds somewhat like it makes sense, i worry that i sound like a prissy fuarrrk who's making mountains out of molehills. i can't accept the explanation of "you're mentally ill" either. i used to go along with that but it just seems like a cop-out at this point. even if it is true, people just use it as a way to "explain" everything i say and shut me down, ignoring everything i have to say. because it can't be valid if it's from someone who's "crazy", right? nothing i think or feel is valid because you can shut me up with drugs, right? yeah. sick of that. i guess really all there is to do now is wait for this "world" to crumble before my eyes. the fact that things aren't consistent leads me to believe the journey isn't over. but it's been so fuarrrking long, i want off of the ride. i have for a very long. i hope i don't have to wait much longer. it'd just be nice to feel like i have a voice. i don't remember the last time i felt like i could genuinely and honestly talk with the people in my life about my thoughts, fears, opinions, and perceptions. it'd have to be REALLY bad luck for just everyone i know to coincidentally be awful people that don't take me seriously, so maybe i'm the issue. after all, i'm the only common ground between them all. or maybe it's a societal thing, where we're just conditioned to ignore the "crazy" guy and quietly be cogs. i don't know. i don't really care either. if none of them are real, i don't have any reason to think about it further. it just is like kicking dead whales down the beach for now, i guess. if you read all of this i'd appreciate if you left a reply saying so, would kind of help me feel like i have a voice. doesn't matter if you have nothing of value to say about it. i don't edxpect anyone does, anyways.

>>15069 I read your post. I don't have much to add or comment. My usual GOTO is: focus on self-improvement (Work out, read enriching books, find a hobby, etc.) and don't worry about what others think so much. But for some reason...It isn't there today.

>>15069 I feel the same. I believe it stems from the monotony of life: when external reality repeats itself and seems to operate according to a set of rules imposed by someone, it's easy to think that everything is artificial, and this in turn paves way for internal reality, inner sensations and dreams feeling more real than the world around us, intruding first our memories, and then our perception of external reality. We're not the first to experience this as well, it's pretty widespread among people with "uneventful" lives, and became especially prevalent with the advent of modern, urban lifestyle. Try reading "The Book of Disquiet" by Fernando Pessoa; it's a fragmentary work, a book full of notes about the dreams he had, the thoughts that came and went, descriptions of his perception of reality and personal philosophy. It was a lifetime project which was first stitched together and then published decades after Pessoa's death. It's an incredibly interesting, enjoyable and relatable read, as most of it is an attempt at articulating these thoughts and feelings of dissociation and putting them into words.

>>15067 I feel ya, my current state is degenerative too, i feel tired all i want to do is consume information. The physical body, or the flesh prison as i like to call it, feels only like a liability. I think the truth is just like in sel, the body exists only to verify ones own existence, but that doesnt prove anything at all, bodies are meaningless vessels and physical life is only evil perpetuating itself. >>15069 Reality has been fuarrrking me up since ever. I feel more than ever that the so called real world is no real at all, but a trap to keep us from accessing our inner world which i believe is the only real world. I have been doing mind experiments and the like, but i must take it to the next level. The problem is im kinda lazy and have concentration problems, nothing feels worth doing anything. Recently i have realized just how fuarrrked up i am but i cant do anything about it. Being crazy is a blessing and a curse, on the one hand you can let go of physical assertions, on the other interacting with physical things become difficult. People think you are wrong by default, but i know theyre wrong, yet somehow you are left with this choking feeling of always playing a facade just to be on the same level, but why bother. I have concluded that the physical world is not at all real or physical, but that a illusion that we collectively create and control. Though i realize the need to gain spiritual power i cant bring myself to do it. Somehow just waiting for the next world, which i know will come soon seems a better option, yet if i dont change i will be as useless there as i am here i think. Without changing who we are i doubt we can go to the next world. For a long time i had tried to think of if i had psychic powers how would i use them, yet it seems completely pointless to do anything. Something in the puzzle is missing, for all of my life i had wanted truth, but i never knew what to do once i found out. I know the inner world is more powerful than anything in the real world, mind over matter is what the people knew as the universal law, but here in the physical world we are subject to the devils deception and lies, but i will not let that stop me. My life has gotten pretty ok recently, yet i feel some kind of deep dissatisfaction, i have no idea how to deal with it. Something is missing and i dont know what it is. I dont know exactly what i will do but i know that i must go into the deep waters of occult and magic to find more answers.

>>15069 I've got some experience with that explanation of "you're mentally ill" from both sides of the coin. One of my siblings went down a spiral of bad mental health. I still want to think that she might have "just been crazy", but it's hard to continue seeing it that way. It feels like it was a large excuse to distance myself from her, and at the same time I saw the rest of my family use it to explain her actions. However, she's currently "better", or at least a much more stable and tolerable person, and there's not much reason to close that distance. She still acts in similar ways and does similar things, just without the "crazy". Maybe the explanation of "you're mentally ill" was just so I didn't have to figure out how to deal with her. So I didn't have to face the guilt of admitting that I don't like her, and that family bonds alone aren't enough of a reason to care for someone. Myself, I only received that explanation of "you're mentally ill" when I was accused of being depressed. But the things that I did would never feel "crazy". If it is true, then fine, but the only one who can be blamed for my actions or lack thereof is myself. It was never anyone else but me. I never blacked out to wake up to the consequences of some "other self" having pressed the buttons for me. I just got confronted with situations and reacted poorly in ways people wouldn't label as "normal". I think that's how I view that explanation. It might hold an incredible amount of influence over you, but you're still there making decisions. To say those choices aren't valid is like denying that person exists. I don't think that you're crazy Lain. It sounds like you're the one behind the words that you've left here. I hope you keep using your voice, and that we keep hearing it.

>>15069 >>15073 I have felt for some time that "mental illness" is an ill-considered paradigm. That aside, you may appreciate the writings of John C. Lilly, a man who is famous/infamous for inventing the sensory deprivation tank and giving LSD to dolphins (both in order to study the workings of the mind). While one may argue that he was more of a pseudoscientist than a proper scientist, he was a researcher who was fascinated by the mind rather than the brain, if that makes sense. I would suggest starting with Programming and Metaprogramming in the Human Biocomputer. It seems to be a neat introduction to some of his thoughts on the nature of subjectivity, objectivity, etc. His concept of "inner space" seems to me to be illuminating. "In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true, either is true or becomes true within certain limits. These limits are to be found experientially and experimentally. When the limits are determined, it is found that they are further beliefs to be transcended. In the province of the mind, there are no limits. The body imposes definite limits." - John C. Lilly

Lately I've begun to realize how much of a hateful asshole I am. It's not that I feel negativity towards any specific group of people or anything, it's just that I dislike nearly everyone. Including myself. I meet someone and the first thing that comes to mind is whatever negative trait is most obvious about them. Their appearance, their voice, their attitude, anything. It's like my brain is looking for any excuse it can not to like someone. I know I haven't always been like this. Back in college I was a lot friendlier to people. I wasn't outgoing or anything, never have been, but at least I could fake a smile. I even knew someone that, had we gotten to know each other a little longer, we might have been dating. But I guess after leaving college and starting this job I've just grown worse. Maybe it's the constant dealing with customers, because it does make up 99% of my social interactions in general. The rest is online anyway, because this town is too small for there to be any place to find people I could make friends with, and I can't afford to live anywhere bigger. And even online, I just can't seem to find a way to take part in any conversations. Nothing anyone talks about interests me.

Recently I found about Carlo Michelstaedter and he has been resonating with me and seriously making me think about what to do with my life (even to the point of considering suicide). His philosophy is pessimistic and bleak but still pure, beatiful and creative. It revolves around two concepts: rhetoric and persuasion. The taken for granted narrative where we live is the rethoric. It establishes a set of values and expected behaviors of the individual in order to assure the collective benefit and supposedly achieve happiness but to Michelstaedter this is merely a scam: in the process the individual is undermined, originality is killed in favor of a more and more compact society, being the development of the technique and industry the supreme realization of this homogenization. And beneath this manufactured myth what really lies in the overwhelming fear of death and void of the humans. Persuasion is transcend this chains: lose the fear to look at the void and consequently being free from the need to hide in such a myth, regaining this way originality. Michelstaedter, taking his philosophy to the end, killed himself when he was just 23 years old. I can't stop thinking about him. Is really worth to live this life? I mean: education, job, a house, some travel. Is not better to commit suicide as an act of freedom?

>>15069 damn lain, that's rough. Sometimes when I get really high I will have paranoid delusions that everyone is really all in on some secret, or that they're planning to murder me or something. These I know are delusions the instant I remember that I'm high. Sometimes when I'm completely sober I feel that I can see peoples' souls and even read their minds to some degree. Sometimes I'm not sure if someone said something audibly or thought it. Sometimes people say things and I can hear the words, I just can't parse their meanings. Sometimes when I'm alone I twitch and speak in tongues like a demon is controlling me. Sometimes at night I feel as though I am telepathically linked to a woman. We feel the same sensations. We masturbate together and sometimes she has sex. I still don't know who she is or anything about her or the nature of our connection, or even if it's the same person every time. All of these are either just really vivid (day)dreams or reality, to me it doesn't make much difference. I have learned that I have to act "normal" and talk about "normal" things or I make people uncomfortable, and I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I want to make people happy. It's a small price to pay.

>>15055 It has been a really hard week. Sometimes I don't even know how I keep going. Maybe I will tell a bit more. Going to reply to some posts first

>>15057 That's pretty rough man. Keep your pecker up. Things will be alright

>>15073 Honestly a lot of what you are talking about sounds a whole lot like buddhism. Maybe it would help you out a lot if you got a little bit in to buddhism and see how you like it

Need to go to bed. I'll reply to more tomorrow

yep just crying on the floor, for having literal no friends,no social life, lost my best friend (my ex), and it just feels like i had the most ''fun'' already in life. spending time with my ex was probably the best i had in my life. i don't think it's normal to be fuarrrking crying for 20 minutes straight and be in tears everyday, i'm mentally fuarrrked and i'm afraid i'm becoming depressed. i want to feel happy but it feels like times are just going to be come more soykafty than they already are. honestly just fuarrrking shoot me, i'm constantly sad, if it not for working out i would've probably bashed my head against the wall by now the only thing that comforts me is basically skramz/emo music, and that's pretty much it, this fuarrrking ill feeling in my gutt and this utter uncomfortableness isn't going away

>>15090 I would say that you do sound depressed. If you're not opposed to a chemical approach or otherwise attached to your low mood, I suggest grabbing some St. John's Wort if you can get it over the counter. In the right jurisdictions, it's essentially an antidepressant that one can procure without the hassle of seeing a professional. Yes, it has side effects, but you have to weigh those against the fact that you're talking about bashing your head against a wall. I started using it and saw results pretty quickly, but it was hardly a scientific trial, so I can't vouch for its absolute effectiveness. I found that I was still able to feel sad on it, but the edge was blunted and I felt that I had agency. Even if you don't use it all the time, it may serve as a reminder of what it's like to feel better. I've recently discontinued my use only to find my old mood returning. I will say that it's uncomfortable to realize that I essentially have seized the reigns of my own moods. My emotional state once seemed to be an anchor of sorts even when it wasn't pleasant, but now it's another choice I have to make. I don't know how to make myself feel.

People called me a love addict after a failed friendship/romance I had with a pathological liar, which is funny, because now I'm too traumatized to even pay attention to people who are interested in me. I always feel like everything's weighed entirely on me when the perpetrators often escape without much in the way of psychological torment or criticism.

>>15101 This may sound cheap but the consequences are intrinsic. In order to live like someone who traumitizes and damages other people theres a certain amount of suppressed self torture, and a certain lack of ability because its suppressed to change it. What worried me the most about this when I realized it was the harm I had been causing I was unaware of, and how it played into negative cycles in my life. Of course not saying this is you, but its easy for the victim of these circumstances to cause equal harm after in a more abstract way. My lack of care about how I was treated bled into me being insensitive to other peoples experiences of mistreatment. However what you are more interested in probably is an explanation to how exactly for the person doing wrong, how this intrinsically harms them. Its a very long explanation but often if you think about it enough you can work it out, examples are easier because it varies a lot, but ive never known it not to be the case. A particularly evil person I knew was completely unaware why certain relationships of his failed, it was always the person he wronged who was at fault. The worst part is for him is that because as you say these people often escape free of any torment, they never can change it. He also never realized that nobody trusted him, his lies were plain as day to most people and they simply didnt care enough to point it out. They just quietly didnt trust him even when he was telling the truth. Sure they dont face torment, its a slow bleed though instead. Their whole life something they are unaware of is holding them back and it hurts them in little ways their whole life. While the ones they hurt in big ways learn, grow, and it usually does not happen again. At least not forever. I also have seen people like this in my family go through death and it is very ugly, it leads me to believe they are made aware of their evil in the end. Whether thats them answering to something beyond or simply themselves is irrelevant in this context. To me this moment is most important, as it will be my last moment and the "now" I end my life at. For you I just would advise you not to think about it that much or look for the reward you will get from not being evil like them, you will have to find your own reason it is worth doing. I pay much attention and listen very close to my friends and they dont often reciperocate that, many times I wondered why I even love them so much, who will listen to me? I decided to stop thinking about it, I didnt chose to be their friend off of what they can do for me, hearing them is enough. And a wise decision it was for past me wanting reciperocation, as I ended up receiving it eventually when I no longer was pining for it. In the span of a week as I have been gone from them for the month I have received messages of love and eagerness to hear my voice again. The benefits of goodness are slow moving and come more often when you dont expect them. The world be weighted on your side in time I guarantee it, so long as you do the right things. Make sure you dont confuse what is right with making yourself suffer. I too am refusing to be in relationships at the moment partly out of fear and past trauma. It is hard to see at the moment whether im being wise or denying myself.

I really need to start exercising and get a good studying technique and discipline, if i dont i think i will continue being a virgin way past 20

>>15104 Does it really matter that much? Those are healthy habits to have but if that's your true goal then it's unreliable to depend on such an empty motive.

>>15090 >>15073 >>15069 >>15067 1) Quit drugs 2) Improve your diet 3) Do exercise 4) Find a reason in life (e.g., having a family, kickstarting a holocaust, etc) 5) Find good people who need your help and help them. This is how you make friends. Be good with good people. 6) Develop new ways in which you can help others. 7) Make sure you get enough light and fresh air. Don't be dimly-lit all day. Get nice, powerful 3500K LED lamps in your main room. 8) Reduce your carbohydrate intake, especially refined sugar and HFCS. All of this will cure your depression. You will wake up wanting to live. You will not feel like a slave to your body. You will have many thoughts every day about the things that you plan on doing. You will feel truly alive. Do not hide your pain with another dose, another playthrough, another watch. Face your pain and make it stop.

>>15111 1) I'm straight-edge. 2) My diet is fine. 3) Already do. 4) It's not that easy, you know? Especially after the many uncomfortable revelations you come to realize during a depressive episode. 5) I tend to see the negatives first in all "good" people I meet, and they always end up eclipsing whatever positives these people have in themselves. And the rest of the people, whom I don't even deem "good", I see as simply wicked. 6) As a result of the above, I can barely feel compassion towards most people, it seems to exclude some of the elderly, funnily enough, despite the fact that they were young themselves and most certainly did awful and stupid things. 7) Good advice. 8) I only drink water. >All of this will cure your depression. You will wake up wanting to live. You will not feel like a slave to your body. I'm afraid not. Depression is individual for everyone, and it often comes with comorbid psychological problems which can be linked to the personality, values and personal history of the person in question, something that should also be tackled individually. Jordan Peterson throwaway advice works only for people who aren't that deep down the downwards mental spiral and whose depression is caused by their lifestyle. More often than not though, it's the degenerative lifestyle that comes second. >You will have many thoughts every day about the things that you plan on doing. I daydream daily, I plan on doing a lot of things already, I never get to actualize them. >You will feel truly alive. I'd rather not.

>>15111 >Find a reason in life (e.g., having a family, kickstarting a holocaust, etc) Everything else I can do, and tried, and do, but that. Are there any tricks to getting an aim at life? I'm genuinely disinterested in too many things. Traditional values lost their value for me, too ancient, remind me of the desires of the bacterial sludge - ancient, slimy, all about filling space and consuming your surroundings through your copies. I'll let you guys reproduce, please do that stupid job for me and please don't overdo it. Following this path seems to be equivalent to a personal death - you lose the reigns of willpower to the properties of matter. Guaranteed satisfaction, but I can imagine it all in too many details and it's already boring. Life that's easy to imagine is considered experienced. Hedonism is a chemical trick, it does work to kill time, but it doesn't help and I get tired of pleasures quickly. Even the psychedelic experiences are too familiar at this point - oh, here are breathing fractal swirls, here are recurrent thoughts about complexity of the universe, here are blinking dots and dancing aztec guys, all excitingly unexciting. My work pays decently and I like it, but I am content and see no reason to move forward too much - it's already pretty hard and growing just means more work for more money I have little use of. I already have enough to live in the same way I do for a few years, I've bought everything I ever wanted, there is no monetary motivation. Millions and billions seem as useless as this laughably small pile of cash I sit on. I feel like, even if I lose a lot, I can learn to do any work in that time and won't starve anytime soon. All this societal growth goal setting seems a little demeaned, too. Besides, there's progress going on, and me joining or not joining won't be detrimental to the victory of the forces of good, in my opinion. Every generation is better than the previous, food is more accessible, education gets more prevalent, all those vaccines and medicines... despite everything, world is doing alright, all while I'm observing. And observing gets too boring, and I take drugs to watch from a different perspective, and dieting is hard when all you want is soylent to stay alive since you don't really feel any pleasure from food. I also don't really care what others think, so getting the validation or feeling some kind of superiority over anybody is not tempting, and it seems to be a major driving force for some. I'm not totally socially isolated, I do my job well and people do communicate with me, but that's temporary and one-sided, as soon as they stop - I don't see any reasons to write them, unless I need something. And they feel that, and I don't blame them. I mean, I know things that I can tell to them, but why would I fake interest and tell them? What can I learn from them, besides what I fake being interested in them? They can't compete with the Internet in that regard, I have Google and Wikipedia to talk to. It's... just an inferior experience most of the time, doesn't really seem to be worth it. Even speech in general seems so limited compared to the written word, and nobody around me has evolved enough to chat on the phone, while sitting across the table. Only things remaining are games, but it's honestly more interesting alone, or I just treat people like characters and the contact is over when the game is over. I force myself to maintain some contacts for the sake of sanity. It's like there is this united body of society that sustains itself and its participants, but I'm not a part of it, just interacting with them from the outside without much interest. And I'm stuck here as there is nothing else to do in this universe besides hanging around this body and watching it produce interesting things, pleasing it to get resources to maintain a decent personal standard of living. And serving it doesn't feel too tempting, it doesn't really pay off, and I already pay a ton of taxes, which do more positive impact than me going around with a shovel planting trees, giving out cookies and making children laugh. Every day I wake up wondering how to extract a little bit of satisfaction from the nearest time. Anything I do brings vapid easily-dissolved sense of pleasure, but it doesn't drive me to get more of that, it doesn't refuel the cycle, there's no deep satisfaction to drive the desire to make the satisfaction deeper. Reason to live seems to be a great source of that, and seems to be the only thing I objectively lack. I remember that feel, I had a meaning before, to grow up big, smart, cool, rich and free, when I was a kid. A huge slowly burning bulldozer grinds to a halt on the top of the hill. "You have arrived to your destination", droned its auto-pilot to a body hanging on the levers. Mud under its tracks gave and the bulldozer started inching forward...

>>15110 Well its not purely about sex, i also feel that it stands in the way of my personal development. I need to experience this part of life to progress.

>>15111 1) never been a druggie 2) i eat clean meals 3) i do heavy lifting 5 times a week 4) ? 5) trying this 6) ? 7) i do 8) i don't

>>15082 >Is not better to commit suicide as an act of freedom I think there is no freedom. It reminds me of that quote: 'The only possible way to resist for a slave is to make the job poorly'. But instead you just commit sudoku in order to resist the more and more shrinking claws of the society. Probably I'm just a coward who keeps grasping for his life even despite of how pathetic it is. But I want to believe that some day I will be able to be really happy and live where I want to live, even despite still being connected to and technically 'owned' by the society. It gives me that little motivation to keep myself going. Life does not consist only of education, job and house. It is our miserable materialistic values that limit us to such pathetic, cold and senseless worldview; it makes us want to keep ourselves hiding in consumption, addiction and hedonism, it makes us passive, infantile useful idiots. This is our lack of freedom. According to Camus, if you're smartie you have two options: you either suicide or you just accept our cruel and absurd clown-world and act respectively. I think there are some ways to obtain personality and freedom (while still being technically not free) and fix our broken, burned out minds in such state of things, but I'm only developing and trying my thoughts and can't really argue on that matter. bottom text

y'all need to stop caring so much about things. Take joy in the little sensations of life. You will never hear a bird chirping, never see a pretty sunset, never hear the sound of laughter, never feel the warm rays of sunlight, never smile, when you're dead. You can only do that now.

>>15119 but what if you live in the same town, for the past 20 years, hear the same birds chirping, hear the same laughter and see the same sunset. I mean yeah, we should appriciate the small things since we are alive, but that's very insignificant, maybe if i were in prison and in complete isolation.

>>15121 why would that make a difference? It all changes every day if you pay close enough attention. The world is always changing at least a little bit. >>15122 listen, you can fetishize your own sadness, or you can try to be happy and help others be happy. I'm doing the second one, in the only way I know how. So please shut the hell up if you have nothing helpful to say.

>>15118 cultural marxism is a meme, man https://youtu.be/X98uzqpQ3JM

>>15131 Oh yeah, "cultural marxism" is total dogshit. Not even a thing. Only useful for highlighting people you should totally disregard because they're nutzo.

>>15132 >>15118 >you either suicide or you just accept our cruel and absurd clown-world and act respectively. I can't accept this but I'm also too coward to commit suicide, I guess my life will only be a descendant spiral of despair. By the way, cultural marxism is a meme. It's not that a group of intellectuals in universities decided to undermine western values but that the western mindset itself produced this inevitable degradation. You said it here: >It is our miserable materialistic values that limit us to such pathetic, cold and senseless worldview

>>15133 lol it's not Marxism that gave us those miserable, materialist values. It's a certain collection of other -isms. And the term itself isn't new; certainly didn't spring up from the current zeitgeist as an internet meme. It's descended from the term "cultural Bolshevism," which was a bit of antisemitic propaganda used by the Nazis. It was a cracked-out conspiracy theory then, and it's still propped up by the same mad-eyed manifesto-writing now--such as we see in the screen shot in this lain's post: >>15118 It's just more veiled, crypto, pseudo-intellectualized jew-hating. Now with some kind of weird blackpill stuff to boot. Pretty standard fare.

>>15135 Well Marxism gave as materialist dialectics and materialist view on history which surely has made the left a sad place. Not that it is a useless method but if it's the only one then life is sad, it's the same problem that Aristotle brought upon the world. It is not a bad view but certainly a boring one. The most interesting ideas today, even if created in the left field of philosophy, are more cultivated in the right because the sad fact is that right philosophers are not burdened by the materialistic dialectics. Our tools and the perspective we choose makes us what we are. All these are of course a take on philosophy and has nothing to do with the bigotry that is the whole "cultural marxism" thing.

Even though I constantly tell myself that people come and go, it's still painful when someone whom you have talked to and considered atleast a good friend suddenly disappears.

>feeling worse for the last 6 months >suicidal thoughts all the time, crying episodes every other night, spend time alone fantasizing about hanging myself or just staring into space >can't really enjoy anything anymore, feel bland and numb >interact with people with just the right blend of being serious and being sarcastic so that nobody is ever really sure about what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling >supervisor at work joked that I could be suicidal and he would never know >laughed it off

we are doomed we have failed to contain our own demons now they have too much power we've struck nature one too many times we were supposed to be wiser than this a tree cannot live without it's root so much potential and so little to show

I hate it when I'm suddenly reminded of everything I've done to my body, how I forever (as in until I die) ruined it. Makes me want to perform one final blow to end it all.

My speech has become more generic and non-committal. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing yet, at least for day-to-day engagements as an office drone. Someone asked if I could compare my old hometown with my current one. My brain froze while trying to layer sweet words unto my sheer disgust and disappointment. I need a better mask, or someone to rip it off me.

coming to the conclusion that i should give up all relationships and not start new ones for a long time. cant try to maintain anything anymore, not when im like this. distance. hardly speaking. its like i gave up since the start. dont like the idea of completely cutting people off so there should be a gaping distance instead. being manipulated made me reflect a lot, probably influencing my decision. knowing myself before getting to know anyone else. maybe during this period i could figure out how to talk. communication in all relationships is important or whateva more i wanted to say but this is faggy enough

>>15138 jesus, fuarrrk, i'm so sorry to hear that. what an asshole

i don't have much to say other than i already said on here, i'm just dropping by to post this song which really helps: https://youtu.be/LkmUn0WUgFE

I think I'm kind of fuarrrked. Have lived in a nice upscale house in the burbs because of self-owned IT business doing well. Got 2/4 kids through high school by now, 3/4 through college. Went through a real soykafty divorce a while back which drank my savings dry, but by some miracle I got full custody of children because spouse was deemed incapable of raising them alone. Business is starting to fail, clients aren't paying their bills. Had a real bad medical scare this winter and had to have my kid help me get fuarrrking dressed in the morning because I was incapable of doing so without extreme pain. Barely made it through work days. I'm getting better now but the company is in the rough really bad, my best employees are getting poached by other companies and it's falling apart. Needing to scrape to the absolute bottom of the barrel to make payroll every month. Everything is like kicking dead whales down the beach, and I'm barely able to hold it together for my last kid. The company being in such a soykafty condition means I'm not paying myself full salary, and making the house payments is starting to get tough. So, I sold the house. Went pretty good, sold in less than 30 days, but just now, today, I find out that the person who bought it might not be able to pay. They got hired to work at a local hospital and were told to resign from their current job/sell their house/pull their kid out of school/start packing/etc and even got their SO a job at the same hospital, and just today they were told that the hospital didn't have another doctor's salary in their budget. What the fuarrrk? They signed a contract, the money was in, they even made the first $10k payment to escrow. Now I don't know where I'm gonna live, how I'm gonna have the money to make the next mortgage payment or where my kid is going to school. Life is a whole fuarrrking mess right now and I'm on a razor edge. Every time I think something is going my way, it gets ripped away. Even my last relationship after the divorce went south and left me out of a couple grand, all of which would be very useful right now. Sorry for this ridiculously long post, I just need to get it all out there :/ (and thanks for reading my middle-aged crisis sob story)

i feel more and more fatigued by the day, and i feel more depressed. after 5 1/2 months of having no relationship anymore i still am crying, still feel lonely, no friends at all. She was my only friend too, so yeah rip. The smallest things make me cry now, watching a bunny that is dying online, sudden outbursts of negative energy that make me feel worthless. It's just crazy that almost half a year went by, and it felt like nothing, i have not changed, nor do i know if i can? I am going out of my comfort zone to do things since i have a disorder that make it difficult to go to far away places such a different cities. But i actually tried to meet new people, go to cities, sit alone in trains, and most of the times i managed my panic/anxiety, AND I AM HAPPY WITH THAT. Working out also eases it and makes my self-image better, but oh god i miss having someone in my life, and feeling loved fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk fuarrrk it hurts, like right now, and tomorrow when i wake up, and the day after. it really hurts, and staying busy doesn't always help.

>>15055 No, I'm pretty sure the voices I'm hearing right now alone in my soykafty condo do not deserve to be heard.

i'm tired of crying everyday, i just want to feel happy again.. i cry multiple times a day at this point, is this healthy?

It's funny, my life is fine. Good relationship with family, stable enough financially for now, got two part time jobs but one's in a place that uses my degree so I'm just waiting for a full time opening, social anxieties kept to as close to a minimum as possible, things are generally fine. But at the same time it all feels rather...still. Ever since I finished school I've almost felt like I'm in stasis, not really going anywhere and maintaining the just "fine" life that I presently have. It could be worse and I'm certainly not complaining but sometimes I wonder if I should be doing more. Maybe that's just the human condition speaking, like there's a sense of satisfaction, or even intrigue, in life moving in any which direction. And yet my life feels so still, so day by day, that I don't really feel that sensation much. Sometimes I have a hard time convincing myself that I deserve better, to move on from this stillness and risk making something more of my life. It's like some self-fulfilling prophecy that's left me to just wait until some external force comes along and moves me elsewhere but I can't be bothered to do it on my own. Nothing is falling apart, everything is fine, but it's just "fine". Not great, not awful, just...fine. It's not really a bad feeling but it is sort of a vaguely weird one, I guess. In any case, this is really just a rhetorical vent where I'm sorting out my own thoughts a little more than anything.

Just signed a new lease. And then I figured out that one of my roommates is my ex's new man. fml how does this even happen Knew I should've lived alone.

>>15170 lain, if you keep going down this path for long enough, you will have a really bad mid-life crisis. Do that crazy thing you've wanted to do for years. Throw your all into it. You will be rewarded.

I don't even know why I try my hand at this creative soykaf. Especially music. You'd think that if someone's been messing around with it for over a decade, since their early teens, they'd be pretty good at it by now, right? Even if it wasn't something they took too seriously, they'd still have improved significantly, wouldn't they? I guess not. No matter what I make, it's all garbage. Tones all sound like dogshit, progressions are cliched, mastering skills ensure the song is either quiet enough to put you to sleep or complete earrape. Melodies sound half-original, but then again, a person's stuff is supposed to sound original anyway so that barely counts for anything. And that's just music. It's the same for pixel art, writing, and programming, been messing with it for umpteen years yet have nothing to show for it. I hate it. I've always felt like it's some kind of human "duty" (for lack of a better word) to create things, to express one's individuality, and to make your creations as pleasing and/or useful as possible while still ensuring your creations represent you. And yet I can't even do that.

>>15173 Creative aptitude is something you're either born with or toil away gruelingly to achieve through bending your brain in ways it wasn't meant to be bent with a risk of stifling your potential in other areas and losing talents you actually possess, with no guarantees of a satisfying outcome, too. I fuarrrking hate our brains, honestly.

>>15170 Hello lain, welcome to the feeling that when you get what you wanted you just want more. There are two ways from now on: -- Practice Zen and try to have no desires. Fail miserably and then take the second path either way. -- Get out there and do things. No one will invite you. Just get out and burn and will find the next step. Fine in never fine. Don't do the mistake and stay there waiting for you to get so bored that you break everything around you for no reason. I did that so many times. It's horrible, but now that I've accepted my never-ending appetite for "more" I'm finally more balanced than ever.

>>15179 Forgot option 3: leave. I think exiting the world should honestly be an option for everyone. A person isn't free if they aren't free to leave. I'm just so tired of trying and waiting.

>>15179 >fail miserably to be honest I have yet to fail. I live in my own little bubble of peace, it's really freeing to just coast for a little bit and be right where I want to be. That being said, I also strive a lot. I think approaching that "zen" state of peace with the world is only possible if you feel like you have a purpose, and you work towards that purpose as hard as possible. It's like how climbing a tall mountain feels really good even though it is tiring and painful.

>>15179 Don't have to go full Zen. You can simply observe and desire to observe. Your body maintains itself, you just care about it. What happens around it is curious. Explore your surroundings. Embrace everything. Don't lose the ability to speak, it locks you out of the social world. Obtain some monetary resources, they give you the ability to travel and experience more, even if it's in VR. Don't let your body fail, tend to it, perceiving reality through a broken body is like listening to music through a broken speaker. Watch how others live, they had their unique experiences and have unique approaches to problem solving worth examining. Lucid dream at night, live lucidly at day. Be yourself, don't kill yourself going against the world.

>>15189 That's exactly what I was meaning, maybe you found better words for it. The thing is we are free, there is no contract we can't break. If you feel you don't have the power to do what you want try to get that power. >>15182 Leaving the world is always an option. But what will you do in the space you will arrive? Suffering comes from you, even if you project that to others. The society wants you to be that way, but you accept that this is important. I don't mean this is negative but then if "normal life" is a spook for you, it's your responsibility to find a better one. I don't say anything as criticism, I just present how I think about life for myself. I don't consider that I've found the best way, and even if I find it, it won't work for you. And always if there's no fun in the path that's a huge problem, I can be only sure for this particular life, so I don't want to waste it -- by my own judgement.

>>15176 It's from personal experience, but I feel people that get involved in art very rarely are of the creative kind. There special exceptions but mostly it's people who want to express themselves and try out forms and ways to find something to express. The really creative ones express themselves through everything.

>>15055 I fuarrrking hate her. Entitled fuarrrking bitch that has the goddamn nerve of bullying me to have her way, because she knows that I am too good to leave her, too lazy to start dating again after 10 years. Sometimes I just want to have my revenge by fuarrrking any random bitch I find. I know I could. I find myself playing cat and mouse with any girl I meet, just to get back the feeling of being recognized, of being wanted by a girl. And in all this, this bitch stopped sucking my dick, stopped doing anything worthwhile in bed. She only bitched and cries all the time, always trying to manipulate me into doing what she want. She makes me feel guilty all the time. Guilty that I'm working towards a career. Guilty for loving my family more than I love her. Guilty for being less rich than her brother, but at the same time guilty for having a family richer than hers. Sometimes I want to kill myself just to escape her. I tell myself that I'll find a girl eventually, but I never take more than one step away from her. The guilt. Always the guilt. I'll end up marrying her, and she'll mess up my sons like she did with me. I'll end up being 50, depressed, deprived of sex, watching my legacy burn at the hands of a manipulative whore. I shiver if I have to think about the possibility of her having betrayed me. The long distance relationship surely has given her the chance. My only insurance is a vague sense of Catholicism that permeates her home, I know she wasn't raised to have extramarital sex. In her own, sadistic, manipulative way, she probably thinks she loves me. She's not even smart enough to have a man on the side. fuarrrk relations. fuarrrk women.

Trying out anal was one of the worst decisions I've made. It wasn't even that pleasurable and now my butt is sore. And I thought of all possible complications only after doing it. My anus doesn't look the same already, so I guess I'll have to wear diapers in my 40's, according to the Internet. Neat.

>>15219 your ass will go back to normal. If you don't like it just never do it again

It's always the idea, of a finished work, of a mastered skill, of a carefree and abundant life that appeal to me, working towards bringing them to life is sheer torture to me: I lack the desire, patience and focus. And so I remain dreaming.

A couple days ago one of my favourite asmr artist announced she was "retiring" and erased everything. And like with good books, show or anime I can't help but feel hopelessly alone knowing I won't hear from them ever again. It's funny too and painfull knowing I inflected this kind of pain to someone close to me last year, telling them it hurt too much seeing them hearing and thinking about them. I wanted to forget but those thoughts are coming back more frequently now. I'm not even sure I made the right choice now.

i wish i had a best friend again. or any friends for that matter. feeling hopelessly isolated and inescapable loneliness wherever i go at any time of the day. can't find a proper way to break apart the barrier that repels humans from each other, it seems like no one wants to open up in fear of being hurt or simply doesn't give a heck. my (ex) best friend from ninth grade has been growing apart from me during these recent years due to great disparity in interests/attitude/ideals. she's becoming a distinct person from the entity i once knew, recognized. makes sense, can't expect a complete stagnant pace instead. but as a side effect, i can no longer relate or make a conversation last more than a couple of minutes. other childhood best friend from middle school has completely blocked me out of her life. shows no commitment in keeping the friendship alive throughout our adult lives, has abandoned and neglected it because she's too busy dealing with her own obstacles. i'm starting to think i'm doomed. my social skills are down the gutter and nobody cares about forming a genuine, platonic friendship with me. want someone i can care for and do stuff we both enjoy together. i've been deprived of that for so long now, i'm growing desperate. impulsive thoughts fill my mind. wish me luck.

How to cope with loneliness? I've been isolating myself from my friends (just a friend, specifically) but she was the only person who used to bring to places, and connecting myself to other people and the outside world, now that I've stopped talking to her, I feel so isolated and I feel like I want to die. It's been five days already, just inside my room. What should I do? No, go back and talking to her again is out of question. I just want to know a way to enjoy my own company more.

I'm so scared of my future life, I'm 20, soon to finish school. I'm an IT student, halfway through I realised that I don't enjoy this, but it was already too late. I usually isolated myself from people, I have a hard time trusting most of them, it was really difficult for me to find a friend. I can't talk to people, exlaining things is a nightmare, I lose words and form strange sentences. Because of all of this, I developed some kind of fear, fear for the future. Will I work in the place I hate? Will I work in some terrible, low paying job barely living month to month? Will I have to work with people I don't trust or even like? Don't forget the pressure from my family and society, my older brother is only 22, but they already are nagging him to find a woman and marry her. They always ask me why I never Just thinking about it gives me a panic attack, I'm just so damn scared.

>>15245 I don't know what happened here, but to finish the sentence: They always ask me why I never go out with other people and socialise, when I tell them that I don't want to, they just tell me that I dissapoint them, then just leave and never bring it up.

>>15245 > I can't talk to people, exlaining things is a nightmare, I lose words and form strange sentences. Thought I was the only one. People just talk and let bullshit roll out of their mouths. They never explain things properly and it makes doing something simple redundant when they aren't clear in a work setting or whatever. I'm so "in my head" when I'm thinking about what to say and I really need my space, and I find that I can never say what I need to/intend to because people don't wait for you to formulate what you were going to say, they just view it as their cue to talk over you. I usually don't say much and just let people talk at me because they don't really listen anyway. I try to convince myself that I'm not smarter/better than them but damn so many people make it so easy to feel like that, pic related.

I feel like I'm in a constant race against someone or something, be it time, other people who I have to outperform, their expectations which I have to satisfy, or something just as time-consuming and stressful, and I always seem unable to catch up. I'm considered young by society's standards, but all I feel is that there's no going back, that my opportunities will become more limited as time goes on, and that I've already missed plenty of them, willingly or unwittingly. I wasted two years of my life and a piece of my family's budget on trying to treat a mental illness of mine which ended up persisting anyway. During these two years I simply stagnated and degenerated; I lost my connections with people whom I had, for the first time in my life, called friends; my academic performance and self-confidence took a nosedive; my interests turned out to be transient, my goals too vague, my future uncertain and somewhat bleak, all-consuming apathy entered my life. It was through sheer luck that I got into one of the better universities where I am now. My mental state improved a bit, as I don't feel like a complete failure at the time being. Nonetheless, I still suffer from this anxiety of not being good enough and complete disinterest in things around me, that together form a vicious cycle that's slowly driving me insane, among other things. I fear I might lose the only talent I have but I do nothing to prevent it, I fear mediocrity but wallow in it, I fear I have no time but squander it anyway. It's torment. Seeing other people thrive in this setting, be better than me in study and outside the sterile academic environment brings me immense anguish and grief. And I'm what people call a young person. I'm afraid of what will come next, what will become of me, what my life will be after I graduate.

>>15250 The number of arrows and circles and the explanation on this image is way more frustrating that what the guy is actually doing. Like holy fuarrrk we get it

>Got a cheap ereader to read books on because reading on my laptop was getting old >Like it more than I thought I would >Move a ton of books onto it >Burn through them faster than usual >Spend more and more time outside because I can actually read things outside on this thing >Have to leave town for a few days, so I leave it on my desk >Come back and it somehow completely cracked during my time out >Can't afford to get a new one This is such a lame thing to be upset about, but this has really ruined my past few days. I didn't realize how much happier this piece of junk made me until I had to go back to using my ancient laptop with a screen that's impossible to read under natural light.

>>15268 Cracked?

We're nearing the end of the decade and I've begun to realize how much of it I've spent wallowing in misery, ruminating over how I missed so many basic, vital social experiences growing up and how it's crippled me as a person. Stuff like friendships, hanging out together outside of school, early romance (as melodramatic as it may be), all those experiences teach you the basics of forming positive relationships with others so you can function properly in the future. And I never experienced any of it. It doesn't help that I was already socially inept since day one and didn't have that intuition for people that the other kids had. I hate how naive I was about this in college, too. I had it in my head that once I left college, got a job, and had money, I could finally go out and start making up for these things I missed. Then I got into the working world and reality hit me in the face: that chance to make up for all this is called "college" and it just ended. There's no more clubs to join to meet potential friends. And even if there were, they'd be closed by the time I get off work or they're in some big city where the rent is ridiculous. So now I'm in my late 20s, realizing that I'm only marginally better than I was 10 years ago. Sure, I have a bunch of academic/technical knowledge as well as enough financial independence to give the illusion of freedom, but I'm no closer to achieving my life goals than I was then. All I really wanted to do was not be lonely, to deeply matter to someone, and to do and make things that other people would love. And to feel the warmth of another person, someone to be there for you and for you to be there for. I honestly feel less than human because I can't even get close to having these things. Yet at the same time, I hate how much time I've spent thinking about this without knowing what the hell to do about it. Why would I have my mind on this problem for so long if I know it can't be solved? Maybe I should just give in and cough up what little time and money I can spare to go see a shrink. See what they say.

>>15269 There's a second glass pane under the screen that cracked somehow, so big chunks of the page looked like a monochrome vomit. Made it utterly useless. I have no idea what could have happened, my best guess is that there was a sudden temperature change in the room during a powerout and it couldn't handle it.

>>15271 That's really weird...

>>15271 It's true that glass is a lottery, but a gradual change in temperature caused by cooling indoor air? I don't buy it. Maybe you dropped it before or someone dropped it for you while you were away.

Just found out that one of my friends, an extremely beautiful girl who could probably be a model, wanted to break up with her boyfriend of several years and date me, but then she got pregnant. I’ve been trying to land a beautiful gf that I can wife some day for a couple of years now. I’m so lonely. I just want to die

>>15238 >>15239 >>15254 >>15270 damn, I'm on the same situation. What is with this place and image boards in general that tend to reunite the same kind of misery?

It is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I feel such anger, like people are so disgusting. I am too, I am a person after all. I'm afraid of people about 24/7, if I take hard drugs I don't feel pure pain from proximity of people but I still wont talk to them or tell them anything remotely close to how I feel. I feel such anger at people who talk like they have some right to talk. I understand these people, they're always struggling in the social ladder and feel the need to secure their position by attacking who they think they can beat eg. weak lil me who doesn't talk back, doesn't engage, walks away, gives people what they want no questions asked. It's my fault for getting abused, making it so easy. If you happen to get victimized, don't tell people unless you have some point to revealing it. People, even your close friends, react exactly just one way to such: you will get blamed, you will get made fun of. It is much easier to fall into the fundamental attribution error than recognize how scary the world really is. I'm most likely going to prison for years for giving people free drugs, money and getting robbed multiple times. That isn't a great issue, I probably belong to prison, I don't fit well into this world and I have friends in prison for more years than I will probably get. I'm not a good person, I'd be fine with being terminated if people would just say it out loud instead of just ignoring me, abusing me and silently hoping I would kill myself. But I'm not dead or dying. Instead I've wanted to kill people since I was a kid and I keep things inside of myself. What I hate is all these people with hubris, the world needs more fear or at the least some respect for truth. Self-awareness! But that's wrong, if I bring up my own annoyance about the hypocrisy of the pretenders to the throne above me I invite all those below me to make equal claims for justification of increasing my pain. And somewhat on a related but not note, can you believe this racist populist movement that is growing? I've been expecting this, I know my people. We are thieves, rapists, (mass) murderers, torturers, slavers. But these automatons of pretend-humans look at the sons of the peoples our ancestors defiled congregating at our gates and have the audacity to paint themselves as defending our people from evil when they claim these people are criminals and should be sent away. I would totally respect the hustle if the racists could own up to what they do and just say it out loud "we won and we intend on keeping winning", but instead they lie. And thats what really gets me, the fuarrrking lies. The dishonesty. The h u b r i s. The only thing that keeps me somewhat calm is some irrational belief that Nemesis will come for us all and hell is destiny.

>>15055 i cant even believe in my past and i am unsure of any stance i currently have everything seems the same and i cannot distinguish between days what is the point of doing anything if the highest stage of satisfaction for me can be achieved by doing minimal wage job even when i enjoy neetdom it still does not change anything or i would say it makes things worse all my hobbies are either stalled or blocked by lack of will too meet people to be honest might one day jump in front of the train on the way back home just out of boredom

I know she’s not the one, but I still miss her a lot

I want pride

The sole thought that I might have impaired my brain function through one action or another is enough to drive me to despair.

>>15284 oh boy, don't you say that, because GOD i agree with YOU

>>15305 >>15307 We aren’t alone. They say time heals these things

I hate that the world is becoming rapidly politicized. It has even reached my country which used to be rather apolitical and apathetic in that regard. Now every teenager with Internet access associates himself with that or that political movement and actively seeks to push his group's values onto others by spouting the propaganda stamps he was inculcated in the informational echo chamber he frequents. And I know that politics is omnipresent in human civilization and can be found everywhere, but it's become particularly aggressive, blatant and polarizing in the recent years.

>>15316 So much this, Lainchan is like an oasis in that regard. The problem is extreme all or nothing thinking, seeing things as all good or all bad with no nuance. However the loud minority make things seem worse than irl. For those who have trouble socialising and making friends. I know its not easy as someone who lives alone, however in my life I've found the best way to meet people and make friends is to have an active interest in music, go out to clubs, events, drink, party and enjoy yourself. Get involved in some local scene.

Just as I was thinking of finally going to see a therapist, one of our guys at work quits. Meaning my work schedule has changed now and has gotten so busy I can't even do anything during the day. Except for on the weekends. When all the doctors' offices are closed. There it is again. I try to do something good for myself and I get shot down. Every single goddamn time, without fail. Apply for a better job I'm qualified for? Turns out I fuarrrked my application up and I look less experienced than I really am. Finally get a chance to go do stuff with friends, and it's on a day I normally have off? I get called into work on that day, or my family has an emergency. I'm convinced now that there's someone laughing their ass off every time these things happen.

>>15319 I feel like labor laws in the U.S. require employers to give employees time off for things like therapy. I'd have to look it up though

>>15320 >feel like You're wrong. Sometimes your company will give you PTO, which you can use for that type of thing...But it's not any law or anything like that. >>15319 That is like kicking dead whales down the beach but thats life. Everytime I try to spend a little time with my wife, even if its just a few minutes she gets pulled right back into work. Save up enough money and figure out an exit strategy so you can take care of yourself. Alternatively, set up an appointment a few weeks in advance, then request time off. Move the appointment around to match your allowed time-off.

>>15316 The world becomes radically political whenever major change is needed. Some of us are lucky and don't have to pay attention to it, only finding it irritating--but most people are hurting pretty bad. Something's gotta give

I had a really good run but the suicidal thoughts are coming back in full force. Impostor syndrome is setting in too, and I don't think I'm going to write good applications for the master's programs I'm applying for. It feels like I've been too happy for too long, so I need to feel bad to balance it out.

>>15308 we aren't alone but i sure feel alone, and yeah 6 months later things haven't really gotten that much better, staying occupied sure helps i guess? >>15324 why do you have to balance it out? i personally cannot feel happy for things because i immediately associate with bad things that might happen.

>>15325 >why do you have to balance it out? I don't, but it seems like the powers that be have it out for me when I've been happy for too long. Like I'm not supposed to be.

After over 10 years i once again visit my country of origin poland, i was born and lived in switzerland but i used to visit it a lot when i was younger. I have not come here due to past trauma which i got over by now mostly. Its nice being some place different and refreshing some memories and seeing some relatives. But goddamn this place is a soykafhole, it is obviously the peoples fault, even though i could be quick to blame the people, it is not like people in switzerland are better other than at surface level. This world is depressing to the brink, i cant blame people for being this careless in their circumstances. What angers me the most is their ignorance, selfishness and unwillingness to change, which is the cause of all this crap in this world. It is so frustrating and depressing watching peoples stupidity as they deepen themselfs in their own soykaf instead of waking up and changing thing, if only they could start with their way of thinking. Its not like im much better, i just cant work it up in myself to do anything either, i could use a number of excuses but the sad truth is im just as lazy as that scum, self blame does not help, but lying even less so. Its like im trapped in some kind of bad dream, which is not far from the truth, as those aware of the occult/spiritual principles know. On the bright side its not such a bad vacation. Hang in there and never give up lains.

i ran out of my artistic spark. everything i create is boring, dull, unoriginal and i only do it for the clout nothing new inspires me and i will never improve if i lose my following i will have no value my life is repetitive and stale and my art will only get worse the more things stay the same i crave stimulation i need to move on

>>15329 Dont beat yourself up over it. Real art is made of blood and sweat. I dont know about you but for me either extreme relaxation or despair get my creative juices going. Good luck, great art wouldnt be great if everyone could make it.

>>15330 i think i've had too much extreme relaxation and thats why everything i've been making has been the same exact thing over and over and over i'm scared of letting despair back in where i used to make really good stuff i don't want to make myself even more depressed just to make something good but i'm so bored of everything in my life

I have no friends While on a base level I'm not too bothered by it, since maintaining friendships requires time and effort, it really puts into perspective how alienated I am. I've just never connected with anyone, people tell me that everyone meets someone they can talk to eventually but I can't even imagine how it'd be. I can spend weeks without talking to a single person like it's the most natural thing, a hermit at an instinctive level. Yet when I see people connecting and talking I can't help but feel jealous. To them I'm just "weird", I don't "act right" or "get it". Our base natures make it almost impossible for us to feel the same things. To them there's just something "off" about the way I act, and the feeling goes both ways. I remember I used to take things at face-value and honestly, but as it turns out every form of communication they had was some kind of game. I never got it apparently, we were playing on very different rules and on theirs I lost at every turn. These days I just play by my own, and if they don't agree to it then I just don't play. I don't miss their rules, but I wish I wasn't the only one playing mine

I hate the limitations nature imposes on us, both physical and mental. When you learn your brain strengthens some neural pathways and synapses while sacrificing the strength of others, or at least that's what I got from reading a bunch of articles on the matter. This explains my sudden loss of capacity for things I used to be good at after I started learning drawing. Through exerting an entirely different region of the brain I seldom used the more developed regions seem to have suffered. The damage was done and I am now mediocre whereas I used to be higher than average. It's not like I've gotten good at drawing either, I still suck. fuarrrk my life and fuarrrk nature.

>>15333 it's not true that you forget skills by not practicing them for a long time. You still have those pathways, they're just not as fresh and a little worn down. If you practice a little bit, you will very quickly reach your former competency. This is why they say you never forget how to ride a bike. Even if you haven't done it for years, riding a bike is very simple and you can relearn it very quickly.

im very fed up with everything actually. im not really sure what I was thinking to end up where I am right now. I literally can not make sense of myself from just two years ago, and I think a lot of problems I felt I fixed and I could finally move on with my life im not really sure how well I fixed them. Im starting to feel like a lot of the things I learned never needed to be learned, and its just easy to tell yourself the things you learned had meaning. likewise im not sure anybody else needs to learn about them. so im not sure I need to or have much of anything to say. I used to not want to be alone so bad and now I have nothing to say to the friends I finally made. I dont really understand why that was ever such a big concern. Im scared to lose my friends still, but that isnt as strong either. Im ready to start "growing" but I keep changing too fast. I very much feel like im on the fringes of reality. i dont know who or what anything is right now actually just realizing as im typing i dont even know what to think. like I straight up dont know what to think, theres no streamline of events leading up to right now in my head. I dont know who i am at all, im not on any drugs or anything right now. I dont know if ive ever felt like this ever i just dont know much of anything.

Nothing. It's all nothing, I'm a blank slate in the worst sense possible, no achievements, no aspirations, no willpower, no desire, no experience, zero incarnate. The only things that seem to reside in this hollow shell of a human being and push it forward are perpetual anxiety and anger. I'm conflicted about this. I'm unwilling to change, I see no sense in doing so, I don't know what I want, what will be the most expedient course to take, but I'm also unwilling to continue living like this. I wish I could turn to ash the moment I post this. It's been years. When I'm finally let loose into the world with no safety net in the form of university curriculum and parents' flat I'm doomed, I'll have no course of action to rely on, no routine to envelop myself in and fall into oblivion about the real state of things. I wasn't meant to be.