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every day im losing my passion, every time it hits, it gets harder to recover, my only reason to push more everyday is my mom, i wont get marry, i wont play games with people i know, if loose my passion to play/do that thing it will be rude, half of my education fuarrrked up but still i can find programming jobs to stay alive and earn some money but where am i going? i want be out of everything, i have never feel relax enough to read book in my life the way i am living is solving stupid people's stupid probles, there is always another php guy which can solve these things, i want to focus other programming languages, i want to understand universe, i want to contribute any linux distro, i want to be productive i feel alone in technical level, there is no one can help me, every time i got my money end of month im looking for new shotguns which will end this suffering, i already deleted many of my account in various sites, i stopped voting or caring about the country im living, im not even taking aim while peeing what am i looking for? when am i gonna start? am i too young to end these suffering? i wont buy new computer for new games, i wont buy new phone, i will always wear same thing, i will never lie, i will never steal, i will never be rude, i will never follow any religion, i wont defend someone else, i want to deborn i dont want to sell my phone, he did serve me well i havent smoke, i havent get drunk but still i cant see the exit because probably i didnt invent that yet it feels like i consumed everything which can give me passion humans doesnt have friends, we have just common goal and thats why we are in sameplace in sametime everytime i feel like this something comes up and makes me happy but this time i wont happen there is still few things i want to read probably these will be my last few moves im trying to calculate my existance and looks like its better when im not here i dont want to attack everything in my sight but thats where i am going and i need to stop myself how did i became something like that? i want to remove my battery and sit down in dark the moment i realized how i can play chess with myself was my start point i have problems in my mind and i shouldnt speak to someone else, if i do that he can demand samething in return or at least he will have this right i have to spend so much time to find someone for me because communication between humans is slow, i want to dump my life and show you but basically i cant because as i said i cant transfer so much data right now i want to stop my feelings otherwise i need cut them but if i cut myself than whats the gain? these sentences are my brain-flow and would you mind share yours? at least i can transfer as text format but im not able to transfer the things i imagine

>emo lower-case >i will never follow any religion You do as in "strictness in fidelity in conforming to any practice, as if it were an enjoined rule of conduct.", and is clear that your own very restrictive religiosity (which is at the same time your personal determinism) is throwing you into that existential crisis state of despair >humans doesnt have friends, we have just common goal and thats why we are in sameplace in sametime I haven't known a single human with the same goal as me and I would never do, yet I tend to help people out for having opportunities to approach on interaction, that's how human relationships work. You even do think that They are in a sameplace at sametime like the world conspiring against you. There is no shared goals, there is collaboration which may help both sides on different ways. >everytime i feel like this something comes up and makes me happy but this time i wont happen Do not crave for happiness, you will do realize like you already had that it is unreachable an thus fall in deeper on your depression. >im trying to calculate my existance and looks like its better when im not here There is no better or worse, only what it is. Do not try to judge your existense it simply is and needs no qualification. >i have to spend so much time to find someone for me because communication between humans is slow, i want to dump my life and show you but basically i cant because as i said i cant transfer so much data right now Same problem here, caused because I do need to love the other person and I do mean on romantic love because that's the only way that I can unwind my feelings and deep thoghts because I do really have a problem trusting people. My love is nothing if irrational on trust giving without any care, because I do feel the need to fulfill a complete, true and absolute love to the w the last group and maybe get to know her, but then again that would be giving in and have a thing for mysterous ones that do nooman of not thinking twice or trying to objectivize my feelings to. So I do write letters to and do not even care for the rejection and have a problem with girls who do say that love me. Eventually I think I may give out my fantasies and try to call a girl ont give me any of their thoughts. I know I have created the situation and looped me onto a somehow spiral of insanity and look it from above as making my life more interesting as if I wanted my own suffering and am controlled by an inner evilness against my own and I might be losing passion as you if it weren't for that, making me some of a luny which also makes me do "rude things". >these sentences are my brain-flow and would you mind share yours? See above