(untitled)

How do you regain passion, emotions and creative processes? I've been a fairly creative person, always overflowing with ideas and eager to work on them, even alone (as usual). Then I had a rough time and now everything's fuarrrked up. I can't read books well, can't write anything longer either, if I get ideas they're really scattered and I'm unable to make anything solid of them. I also probably have anhedonia, so nothing feels really rewarding. Any lainon here had this problem? What did you do to escape this curse? Is that even possible?

I haven't figured out the end of this, but if you do, please let me know, I haven't read a book in so long. Your OP nailed me. If you're a habitual smoker, you might want to take a break, it helps, but that's only a first step, amd I'm not sure what to do now.

Forget passion, just game the action hierarchy. At any moment you select whatever actions seems best. So what do to read that book? Convince yourself everything else is worse because doubling down being a negative fuarrrk is a lot easier than being positive about reading that book. You will still feel no reward about it but you get done what you want.

You just described me

>>13633 get healthier. eat better, sleep well and do exercise .

>>13633 >>13634 >>13636 Wow, we must be sad nigga soulmates. OP - time helps more than anything. Be patient with it, and the old state of "normal" should slowly start to re-emerge. >>13637 Yep, exercise helps too. I recently signed up for a yoga class and started doing Starting Strength again.

>>13638 Let me join the club then. Everything is a huge blur.

OP here, didn't expect so many replies. >>13634 I have read a book recently, but it took me many tries not to just throw it somewhere in the room's corner. When it comes to smoking... well, it's the small steps, after all. >>13635 That's what I'm usually doing, but it doesn't feel healthy. After all, am I required to read a book? If it doesn't give me anything, why should I? >>13637 I managed to mostly unfuck my sleep cycle after ceasing to be a NEET, I can cook pretty well too. I'd say I'm pretty fine nowadays, sans the exercise (unless occasional skateboarding counts). Doesn't help anymore. >>13638 I haven't felt anything for a long time now and the damage done to me isn't reverting by itself. That's why I'm worried. I don't want to live a "tasteless", unexciting life and just finish it without accomplishing anything just because my thoughts aren't coherent anymore. >>13640 A huge blur is a pretty good description...

Zest for life comes with tasting different things and finding new patterns and things like such. You maybe were "broken" by doing same thing over and over again, or trying to do something new and just getting your hopes crushed to dust. Get away from that, forgive and forget. What you need to do is try to find something "new" in the old soykaf you already know.

>>13633 This might not work or only temporarily boost your mood but I find physical activity and hanging out with friends to be the best cure for this feeling. I know you said that exercise doesn't help you so maybe you can ignore this. However, I really find that deadlifting 100kg makes it impossible for me to feel unhappy at that moment (I know it's not that much and I'm not really strong, but it feels quite heavy in my hands which I think is what counts) and I usually don't feel down for the rest of the day. Another thing that I like is when doing cardio to listen to really upbeat songs like the Nightcore version of How do you do (find something you like). If you decide to try weightlifting, look into how to properly perform barbell movements (squat, deadlift, bench, OHP, rows). Allan Thrall has good videos on all of them. Alternatively read Starting Strength. I also need to walk to the gym which makes me breath fresh air (well I live in a city so the air isn't that fresh but still beats the air in my room). Also meeting friends is nice because if you're on your own all the time, you'll start getting crazy thoughts or more precisely, you start thinking retarded soykaf and make yourself feel worse than you need to. Actually, I think this is more important than weightlifting. Maybe try connecting with your family if you don't have friends. If you don't have a family as well, then I don't have any good advice. There are online services that can help you find friends. I haven't tried them and thus cannot vouch for them. And btw I'm not even talking about telling them how you feel. More like hanging out for a day.

o/ count me in on the sad soulmates. I was all good untill recently. Got burned out in programming, don't wanna do anything anymore. Everything in life is disappointing. When i want to try something new it's always end up being soykaf and disappointing. >>13642 That's hella good idea and very good description of me. gotta try it out

>>13633 Try to go without screens & instant gratification for a week or so, make sure you're sleeping 8 hours a night and getting 2000 calories or so to eat each day. If your circadian rhythm gets fuarrrked up your brain will basically melt which is a pretty big design flaw within the human animal, so you have to be careful with certain things

>>13642 I second this. I always thought being into cars was for meatheads but after I got my license (at 22) I fell in love. There's a lot of parallels with my old hobbies which I wouldn't have picked at first. Lots of problem solving and figuring things out. Endless modifications to be made. Lots of numbers and specs. It ends up taking most of my spare money, it's a great way to unwind. After that I've gotten into other DIY stuff, like audio and electronics. Getting into making furniture now. I feel like I don't have enough hours in the day now, compared to when all I did was browse imageboards and play games. Back then I'd just be amusing myself until I went to sleep. Just pick up a cool hobby that requires patience and your hands and you'll grow with it.

OP here, again. >>13642 Well, actually it was both to some extent. Working at some place started being repetitive and I started burning out. I thought getting a new job would be pretty easy, but I got rejected lots of times (incl. at my dream job), so... >finding something "new" in the old soykaf I already know I should really pick up some new technologies and programming languages... >>13646 I'll try doing more exercise, then. When it comes to friends it's a pretty tricky thing, 'cause we arrange meetings almost every weekend. I also don't live alone, there are some cool people here. I don't make close ties, though; there's a handful of people I'd call "best friends" and even then I don't usually talk to them F2F. >>13647 Like that lainon you're quoting, maybe it's a good idea to find something "new" in programming; pick up a new language maybe? I'm gonna try that, too. >>13661 Now that I have to go to work I usually get up and sleep at a similar time. I get around 7-8h of sleep daily, but there's still room for improvement, sure. The thing about instant gratification is probably much harder. >>13662 I have many ideas for hobbies, like: sewing, ASG, starting to use a computer microphone, picking up Japanese yet again, programming (my own projects), but it all ends on planning and I never get on with anything...

>>13665 I'm gonna try something new not connected to programming (tho i find new cool projects very interesting and fun to make). I wanna learn to play on keyboard and that's what i'm gonna do. something new fresh and fun

>>13665 >I have many ideas for hobbies, like: sewing, ASG, starting to use a computer microphone, picking up Japanese yet again, programming (my own projects), but it all ends on planning and I never get on with anything... The thing to start doing it imo is just start doing it. Force yourself to like… change language to japanese in phone then you will have to learn it and stuff like that. Slap yourself and just start doing it out of nowhere lol that's just my opinion tho but you can't start doing it if you don't start doing it so just start and go on

>>13666 Making music sounds like a fun thing to do, godspeed lainon <3 >>13667 Sure, that's the only way. I don't even waste my time on games & imageboards; I actually... don't do much at all. I don't even know where my time goes, apart from working, cooking and commuting.

>>13668 >godspeed lainon I didn't get that part, what do you mean?

>>13673 It means "the best of luck". Happy Easter BTW, if you're celebrating.

>>13633 Well, I think it's all about the motivation. For example if you want to write stories, you really need someone who will be interested in reading them. If you feel like there are no people interested in your work and it will end up all but forgotten, of course that you can't find any motivation to start working on it. Integral part of any creative process is managing some sort of a community that will support you and motivate you to push through, so the speak. You really need someone to share your interests with, if you want to keep actively working on them for a longer period of time. It feels pointless without such people. That's simply how the human brain works. So keep that in mind. Next time you will try to get something done, the first step has to be acquiring necessary support for it. TL;DR You need support from your friends

If you don't have any friends that share your hobbies, then try some online community. But I guess you've already tried that, since you are here. The problem with online communities is that many people in the community will be on completely different level than you. It's daunting when everybody is much more skilled and knowledgeable than you. That's why you need to find a community where most people are on similar level as you. Also smaller communities are better than large communities, because they will pay more attention to you. In large communities your voice can be easily lost among all the noise.

>>13695 That may be partially true. I don't want to be an attention seeker, but at the same time I tend to seek recognition for what I do. OTOH a lot of people start doing a thing for themselves and *then* gain recognition as a by-product. >>13696 I have shut myself from any communities and most people. I can't seem to find a place I'd belong to. It's my first time on Lainchan in like 2-3 years, too. I used to drop by Lainchan's IRC, but didn't feel really noticed and accepted, so my existence there slowly diminished. While I may have some friends with similar (tech) interests, not many of them want to do anything with me and they usually don't work on the same tech I do. >The problem with online communities is that many people in the community will be on completely different level than you. It's daunting when everybody is much more skilled and knowledgeable than you. This is a double-edged sword; it motivates some people because they want to keep up with the higher-level ones, but it also demotivates some people on the principle of *not* being able to keep up and thinking they'll never be able to catch up. As you might guess, I belong to that latter group... I somehow made this thread all about myself, but it was intended to seek for other lains with similar problems and give them guidance as well, so that we escape from the hell of not knowing where our months went without delivering anything. I'm sad, but also relieved I'm not the only with similar problems and that there were some lains who fought and won that battle.

>>13719 >I used to drop by Lainchan's IRC, but didn't feel really noticed and accepted, so my existence there slowly diminished. >While I may have some friends with similar (tech) interests, not many of them want to do anything with me and they usually don't work on the same tech I do. Hey, would you mind talking with me? You sound like an interesting person, one which I might get along very well. I watched the thread for a bit, I think I do have a hard time making close friends, but for some reason I think we maybe could be friends. I'm also interested in a lot of tech things. Maybe do share similar interests. If you'd like to try and talk with me, my email is: yuu@firemail.cc (or add me on XMPP: yuu@firemail.cc).

This thread makes me feel simultaneously better and worse for the same reason. >>13640 Is especially true for me. I've spent many days sitting on the couch just looking at a television that isn't even turned on.

>>13726 Mail sent, lainon! >>13727 Another thing that's very common is deadlocking yourself. Maybe that's your case, too? I often feel something like "I should be working on a cool project right now, achieving something etc.", then again you can't do that all the time and you should be able to let yourself take it slow. As I don't have the motivation to work, but also feel wrong if I'm slacking, I end up doing nothing.

>>13738 >As I don't have the motivation to work, but also feel wrong if I'm slacking, I end up doing nothing. I have exact same feeling. I have some projects i want to work on but in the same time i don't want to work on them. I want to continue them but in the same time i don't/i don't have motivation or willingness to do so and every time i come home wanting to do some project i loose my day on doing nothing. it's upsetting and i don't know how to fix it. I thought it might be burning out but even after i took break i don't feel motivation coming.

>>13775 Your options are: 1. Choose a different project. 2. Try to find like-minded people who would be willing to help you with the project. Everything is easier if you don't have to go through it alone. 3. Break the project into smaller separate pieces, in such a way that each piece has a value on its own. That way you are less likely to get demotivated by the amount of work that follows.

I think about the past, the ideas and visions I had years ago. Now I think it's time to realize them and feel motivated for being able to do so.

>>13776 >2. That's seriously good idea and i think that it would work except noone is going to help me sadly. will try the other options

>>13775 >>13793 Holy soykaf lainon, we're so alike. I persuade you to pick up the keyboard you mentioned before, though. >>13776 Good one. I came to similar conclusions before and, for example, broke my big project that's been on my mind for a longer time now into smaller modules and told myself that if I manage to make at least one of these, I can add the rest later if I stiil have the willpower to do it.

>>13794 Yeah i will when i get money to buy it. Also my studying japanese got harder cuz best way imo to learn language is to speak it but i got derezzed form japanese group on telegram and have nowhere to go (admins are soykaf everywhere. you can't even answer to people bullying you or you get derezzed and they don't see real problem but that's not for this thread just mentioning cause talking about things makes people feel better anyway i think this bracket got too long so i will end it) but i bought some workbooks and will continue learning it. Also in lambda i asked for new languages to learn so new stuff to have fun with i think.

>>13805 IIRC keyboards are pretty cheap, though. I think you could get one for like $20. (Of course, if you live on the edge and have no money you can disregard that). Any language learning groups are all about people. I've been on one, it turned to some weird soykafpost+politics mix with 80 percent soykafpost to 20 percent people wanting to learn anything (so it's like IDK, going to a convention to pick up girls) and the admins didn't seem to realize their group was cancer already. To that mix you'd have to add the fact that the Japanese don't usually know English well and are anxious, so it was hard to get any active Japanese people in the group. I've also had experience with some services where you can speak with people in other languages. The problem is, you have to find a common subject so that the conversation actually sticks. There unfortunately aren't many anime/tech fans on there, as it's mostly for normal people. Besides, both sides should talk in two languages at once, so that both sides benefit. Someone also has to correct the errors, and pointing out someone's mistakes (or receiving such corrections) can be hard.

This has happened to me many times. The key is to just make something without any intention of the result. You just have to try to make something no matter how bad it feels to do it. Eventually your brain will take over for you. I would suggest reading "Writers on writing" by Ann Lamott, Natalie Goldberg, or Ray Bradbury. We had a packet for this in my creative writing class and I'm not sure where it is but the concepts in taught me so much about the creative process.

>>13835 Thanks for the recommendation! Always good to hear from someone who's tackled the problem in the past in some way. I'll link to what I found. https://lithub.com/ray-bradburys-greatest-writing-advice/ Some of these things are what'd I say to anyone who'd like to start programming, BTW.

>>13819 You want keyboard that detects force with which you clicked key and they cost more.

A little update on my side. For the couple of last days i played with new programming language and i found myself today wanting to go home from work to go back to playing with it. I want to write more and more and more. And also i'm happy doing so. So i think i can call this passion again. So for me, trying new things is definitely way to regain passion

>>13819 maybe it's time to pick up some new hobbies and interests then?

>>13847 Oh, the touch response ones. Sure thing. >>13942 You're slowly doing it then, lainon. What language did you pick up? >>13945 Well, I'm going to go to a shooting range soon. I wonder if that works. I also tried reading about some other programming language and had some fun with that. But it's also true that sometimes anxiety and void wins. My mood constantly keeps switching from inspired to inert.

>>13979 I had thread in λ 'bout programming languages. I picked recommended nim language and i'm glad i did that. Also my passion to programming in languages i already know kinda came back. Couple weeks ago i had serious mental breakdown but things are pretty much okay now thanks to lainons and so i'm very grateful

>>13980 I heard about Nim, but never met know anyone who'd do anything in that. I guess it's not my thing, though. I'm glad it works for you, though! I had fun reading about Elixir. I mean, it's like Ruby fused with Erlang or something, it's functional and has real-life applications. I once thought I wouldn't ever get functional programming. I guess it's time to check if I were right...

>>13633 I feel the same way. I used to love playing video games, and I used to have many ideas on how to improve games or recreate them with my own spin. So I started learning to code. I began with modding games, mainly Minecraft. I honestly think it's the most fun way to learn programming basics, since you immediately see results you can interact with. I stuck with modding for several years, it gave something I lacked -- a skill that made me recognized in the community. Then, gradually, after several years, I realized, that I don't want to spend so much time and effort with a game I didn't make. I needed to make my own original creation. And so I began my endeavour into game programming. I feel like I have the skills, now. I have found out, that I can learn anything, given enough time. I want to make something truly original, so instead of using a pre-existing game engine, I am trying to make my own, one that I fully understand and control. I can make anything now. But what to make? How do I create something that has not been made before? Something that is enjoyable? I picked up a book about game design, and it seems like this is more of a psychological problem than a programming problem. I never thought I would need those kinds of skills to make games. But I do, as it seems like I've lost most of my ability to enjoy computer games. I don't know what caused this, whether it is the fact that the market is oversaturated with an overwhelming amount of games being released every day, or whether my priorities have shifted. I find it easier to work on an engine instead of a concrete game, since I don't have a clear vision of what the end result will be. I want it to be impactful and meaningful, and maybe even useful. Maybe I won't make a game, after all. I don't think games can be very useful. Achieving a goal is not as straight forward as it could have seemed to be, as you can probably tell from my poorly organized collection of thoughts. Good luck with your projects.

>>14070 If you are serious about gamedev my advice to you is to use a prebuilt engine, either develop on engine level or make a game. But dont waste time on making your own engine, there are already too many reinvention of the wheel, its better if you improve existing foss engines with new features. There are a large number of opensource games/engines that could always use a hand. The skills you got so far will always be useful, even if engine specific stuff works differently, but its worth relearning how things on a specific engine work.

>>14070 Since you went with gamedev... It's actually where I started as well. It's these little platformers that hooked me on programming in the first place. These days I didn't care there was an abudance of platformer games; I made my own. Precisely because a) it was fun and I saw the results of my work immediately, b) I could show someone what I did. I get occasional nudges towards the gamedev side, but I usually resist, apart from taking part in game jams. What you wrote is all too familiar to the point it's scary. If I didn't have any clue about how the gamedev industry works, I'd roll my own engine too. I can program after all, right? Then again, it's a delusion. I wouldn't be able to make a full-fledged engine anyway, and I'd waste many resources on it. I used to do stuff in Game Maker, but I'd jump to Unity or Godot now. The originality issue is perhaps the most problematic one. I don't want to make a hundredth 16-bit nostalgia-driven pixelart platformer or a half-assed Dark Souls clone. All I play nowadays is either labors of love (VA-11 HALL-A, RUINER, Baba Is You, ...) or old backlog, mostly some PS2 games. I would try Apex solely for its social side, though. Are games useful? I think they are. They can be motivating, they can inspire, just like other media. They create places for people like us to work at. Heck, with enough luck you can run away from a country that's engulfed in war and inflation, as is the case with VA-11 HALL-A devs. >Poorly organized I wouldn't say so. Is there any place you post your progress, BTW? I'm curious about what you've achieved by now, even if it' just drawing a square out to the screen. >>14071 This lainon got it right, I think. No use reinventing a wheel unless you're making something really specific, like FEZ. Then again who am I to give any advice...

>>14071 > But dont waste time on making your own engine I always wanted to learn about how games worked from the ground up. Yes, I could use an existing game engine and not have to worry reinventing the wheel, but I find that reinventing it is a really good way of learning how it works. I know perfectly well that my engine won't be a general game engine used by the masses, but that's not the point, the point is, rather, to get an idea of what is possible. I've always been fascinated by games like Portal or AntiChamber, exactly because they are original. You can't make such impactful games without deeper knowledge. I believe I can gather enough experience writing my own game engine and, if I eventually decide to make a game that isn't just a toy project anymore, use an existing feature complete engine to build it. > There are a large number of opensource games/engines that could always use a hand. To be honest, I don't feel confident enough about my skills to contribute to those in a meaningful way, yet. Though, I do think there's a high possibility I will end up contributing to a more popular open source engine in the future. >>14083 > Is there any place you post your progress, BTW? One of my ideas crystallized into this: https://metaview.link/ It's still very vague in scope, but the fact that it's unexplored space motivates me; there's a lot of room for exploration and creativity. Unfortunately I haven't made enough progress for a while to warrant making a new post. The site is supposed to be a more structured presentation of the project as a whole, but I do occasionally post some toots on Mastodon (shouldn't be difficult to find) as well. Thanks for the interest.

>>14084 You sound really motivated and that's good. Just don't get discouraged if you don't achieve immediate effects, like you'd do if you weren't writing your own game engine. Besides, you can get to know an existing game engine internals as well. Portal and Antichamber both used regular game engines (Source and UE3, respectively) with some nifty hacks that required the understanding of their inner workings. Moreover, Portal was based on some student group's idea. All of these students were hired by Valve and switched from using their own engine (I presume) to Source. What you have already looks good, even if I don't understand everything. So it's more of a decentralized game engine for VRs? Maybe I'll understand more if I look it up on Mastodon.