seeking help in a life choise on an image board

sup /r/, russian beta overlord here with a longpost. i have come to you in seek of help and guidance. so i've been really good friends with "that girl" from my college for half a year now. she frequently comes over, we watch japanese cartoons, smoke weed, sleep while hugging each other, etc. she is beautiful, wise, understanding and cute. everything that i want basically. i kid you not, this is the first woman i met, that i want to be married with and spend the rest of the life togerther. but, alas, as in every single thing in this pointless life, there is a catch. when we first started talking to each other, she told me right in my face as follows: -i'm stating the fact here, so there wouldn't be any further complications. i'm ONLY into girls. are you alright with that? i died inside momenterally, but was able to recover myself and reply -yeah, sure, i understand -oh, thank god, it's a real weight off my shoulders yeah, i get it, maybe i must've replied otherwise, but i'm borderline retarded, you have to understand. she IS showing some affection to me, but i might be delusional. also with st. valentines day closing in, i was planning to do something autistic that might ruin our friendship. we already are planning to go to the cinema on that day, so the trap is set. i'm alright staying friends with her, because we still have hell of a good time together, i'm just greedy for wanting more of that. she told me she is lesbian because she had an abusive relationship with her first boyfriend, and only girls coud turn her on from that day forward. so, with all of that, what shoud i do /r/? wait another 6 months for a better opportunity? have a talk about this with her on st. valentines? forfiet all of this for the sake of preserving friendship? i'm open to all of your suggestions, /r/. "have a sex change" included love you everyone who read this post, god bless your filthy soul <3 pic of her and me on a hike

don't do it lain. Some things are meant to stay platonic.

>>12698 What you do is simple. Instead of asking the internet for life choice advice, you talk to her about it. If you have to do something for Valentine's Day because of memes or autism, then you get her a valentine day card as a friend. Some that doesn't have a love heart and says thanks for being an amazing friend. You tell her that you are happy being friends, but that if her circumstances ever change then you are differently interested in being life partners (platonic or otherwise) and that you are willing to wait and take it slow. Her circumstance may change over time, but if you bail or force the issue now, you wouldn't be in the picture to be part of it. Given she was in an abusive relationship, she will still be recovering from the damage and will value honesty and communication. If she never sees you as a romantic interest in the long term , at least you get a platonic friendship and you can always offer to be her wingman or her be your wingwoman and she could introduce you to some of her friends. Best friends are had to make, and easy to lose, so don't do anything rash or stupid.

I've been in this same spot, to the point where it's a little creepy. I wouldn't know a lot about Russia outside of mainstream media but I'm assuming the reason she told you is she needed to trust you beforehand. Because being gay in Russia is a huge no-no, ( correct me if I'm wrong), If you generally enjoy spending time together, keep being friends, and look for someone else. If you start get oneites it will only hurt your time and mental health. If you live in a bigger area of Russia you can use the Russian equivalent of tinder for a quick date. alot of singles look for something of valentines day. If that really is you in the photo, your not bad looking just try not being too socially retarded.

>>12698 Here's how it's gonna go down. You will try to do something autistic - as you said. She will be repulsed by it 'cause she had abusive boyfriend and frankly seems like she still haven't got over it, she is still somewhat hurt from it. She will stop feeling safe being with you, because now she will know that you developed feelings for her. You will lose her. You will be alone. Then you will be eaten by sadness from the inside out. You will be guilt tripping yourself for losing that last speck of light you had in your life. It will feel fuarrrking terrible. But that is just how I see it, all in all it does not have to end like this, it might just go all fine and dandy. She will be joyous and will just jump straight into your shoulders. Just like in soykafty romantic movie. That's my pitch. Have a great day!

play it cool Vlad don't fuarrrk it up, even if her "I am into girls" was just a white lie test that made her wade off autistic losers through her life, maybe you have chance if you let her get to make the first step. In the end women have choice over their reproductive rights and they are the ones that need to do the first step, whether it be indirect or direct. You are in position where she put herself in position where she can only do direct one, not you.

thank you all for helping me realise it was platonic love i was feeling. simply haven't crossed my mind. autism is really strong for me in this situation. i decided to have a proper talk with her about it later, because now is not really the time. >she values honesty come to think about it, she would really appreciate me coming out like this. not the "i love you let's make children" kind of coming out, but "I have feelings and that's alright if you don't" kind of thing. up to this point i considered the first option to be the best. >>12701 what was your situation like? it you wouldn't mind sharing) being gay really is hard in Russia, it gets suicidal for people 30+ years old, society will shame and harass them. for younger people it's much easier but still, to openly come out is definetly a mistake you're going to regret i can't really imagine myself being in a relationship with someone else, it would probably only get worse. i don't really feel that kind of pain when you get oneites, it's more of a pain of feeling something beatiful being incomplete >>12703 i do also think that was a lie, about the "ONLY girls" part. i also think that this is a thought that appeared due to my delusion. really hard to tell, it's easier do dismiss it altogether. though you do make a point in that it would be right for her to make the first step, she would be more afraid than me to do that probably. thank you all again, it really was a great help) in case i do something logically questionable, i will update on what have i done and what have i become here's some cool russian authentic art <3

If I was you, I'd confess. Even if it might ruin your relationship, it's better than keeping it all inside and denying your emotions. Denial won't work, you'll have to bring it up eventually, otherwise it will torment you. It's good to be honest and let it off your chest. You should consider how to do it without being creepy/needy, etc. If you manage that, there's very little chance you'll ruin your friendship. Don't place any obligation on her, or make it seem like you're trying to make her your girlfriend. Tell her that you have developed emotions towards her, you've been afraid to talk about it because of the chance of ruining your relationship and you just want to bring it up, not to put any pressure on her, but just to be honest towards her (presuming you're being honest). If she understands, then it's good. If she doesn't, it's her loss. You know, you're just letting her know how you really feel and that's nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Just don't be needy.

This kind of soykaf's been happening a lot lately, hasn't it? Though I wouldn't expect it to happen in Russia considering how homophobic they are there. I've had similar things happen to me. I find myself gravitating towards the "awkward" (for lack of a better term) sort of girls, and nearly all of them turned out to lesbian, asexual, or otherwise not into guys. Maybe it's just my luck.

>>12707 maybe i'm misjudging, but to me, all what's happening in the west... just seems to me that people want to be special. i really do belive that this is just a phase for most people. claiming that you are asexual is quite a hard claim. everyone had a time in their life when they weren't interested in a relationship, that doesn't mean they are asexual. i've got a normal person friend who hasn't been in a relationship for 3 years now, and that doesn't bother him at all. he is not aware at all of what an asexual person is. "I do like girls, but i dunno, i can manage without them, why bother?" the point i'm making is, if you do have a sexual deviation from the norm, it will show. regardless if you put a nametag on yourself or not. there is no need to try and fit yourself under something. hope that'll make you feel better, lain. everything comes with time

>>12705 got some dope russian rap?

>>12707 >>12715 have had similar experiences >friends with girl for long time, very close >ask her if she would date me >tells me she is bi and currently in a relationship (with a girl) >friend with another girl >ask her if she would be GF >she was a lesbian (but did not want to publicly admit it or her family would disown her) >friend with another girl >ask her if she would date me >she did and then told me she was actually asexual and I was the first person she ever dated and she had previously turned down other men >friendzoned me, but told me I should not feel bad but she just had no interest in dating ever Just be nice to her and eventually she may or may not want to be in a relationship with you, but do not be autistic about it. You can be polite, nice, and caring and very intimate without officially "being in a relationship." you can even live together and not be "dating"

>>12705 >come to think about it, she would really appreciate me coming out like this. not the "i love you let's make children" kind of coming out, but "I have feelings and that's alright if you don't" kind of thing. up to this point i considered the first option to be the best. I told a girl once I had strong feelings for her, and regardless of what she said I would appreciate her friendship, and she told me it meant the most anyone had ever told her, especially that I was still willing to be friends with her knowing she would never feel the same about me

>>12698 If she's gay she's gay, find someone else who is good for you.

>>12716 youtube mashup, very nice /watch?v=72oIm_WcG3w >>12717 yeah, it's pretty insane how intimate we are, without having a "relationship". it is bizzare to me, if i asked her if she wanted to live together, that wouldn't be out of place. people are very traditional in Russia. there is a strong belief that there can't be any friendship between a guy and a girl. and most of the time, it does prove to be true, as in my case, and as in your cases, lain. we should be ashamed. though it is a stretch to say there is no friendship whatsoever, it's just hard to keep your hard down i guess. a russian meme. they seem to be enjoyable

>>12723 >we should be ashamed. don't be, if you want to be closer to her, there is no shame in telling someone how you feel. maybe ask her to move in with you for purely economic/friendship reasons, but do it casually NOT >do you want to be my GF? >living together as roommates saves money >living together people can watch house for security (stop crime) >living together can split work of cleaning >cooking together can be fun an maybe she will say yes, and you will get to know her better than you already do (might also let you know if there is anything not so good about her too) You will get to spend more time

>>12718 so how did things go? you still have frienship as before? >>12720 nah, i'm a beliver but for real, i genuinely am not attracted to anyone else the same way i am to her. as far as i know, there really isn't anyone who i can "replace" her with. the very idea seems dull to me, to find "another". >>12724 i was planning to do that at a later date, though i'm afraid i might be too autistic for this to happen "casually" and another one

>>12725 Still have the same friendship, but we dont talk about relationships or their possibility anymore >i was planning to do that at a later date, though i'm afraid i might be too autistic for this to happen "casually" It is always awkward. ask about her plans for the future, and ask her if her plans could work with your feelings and wants

>>12705 Sorry for the late reply, The friend, we will call her Kai ( not her real name). Kai and I known each other since Highschool and I had a crush on her for a little while we always talked about anime and stuff during class and would hangout outside of school. We became fairly close, but then she had to move away. I was a little hurt but it happens. Flash forward to college I met Kai again apparently she moved back because Uni there didn't work out. I helped get her a job and we started hanging out again. I met Kai's family, ironically after spending time with her family they were excited because they thought I was turning their daughter straight (I wasn't). After while when they figured out she wasn't turning straight her mom started getting angry at her. She needed to figure out what to do and I offered for her to stay at my place for awhile. Then, one night, she started cuddling me in her sleep only for me to realize that it really wasn't a little crush, I really did love her. About a week later, she came up to be asking for a ride to the airport to fly to California to live with her girlfriend (we lived in the midwest). I said sure, we woke up at 3am to drive 4 hours to the airport. This would be the last time I would see her I told her I loved her, Kai said she knew the whole time, but knew it wouldn't be possible. Good luck to you lain, I really hope you find someone that loves you for you, just know it wasn't for nothing.

>>12758 What a roller coaster of emotions. I hope all of you lainons find people who you can love. Today, a year from now, maybe longer, doesn't matter. Just wait around till you meet a person who you can be with. Love & happiness to all of you lainons. <3

>>12725 you have onitis, this is never good, especially with someone who told you they have no interest in that regard

It's after valentines, wonder how OP is doing.

you might not want to hear this but the idea of a one true love is a huge myth, and people only tend to ever be kept down by it. think of it like this lainon, think of her okay. She trusts you, she does LOVE you, just not like that okay? So dont betray her trust, you told her you understand and she sounded happy like your her friend now. Im sure shes very happy to have a male friend, but you have to dump the idea of any romantic thing with her. Even if she seems like shes initiating dump it okay? Im lesbian means im lesbian, that doesnt mean she cant love you deeply as a friend. In my opinion thats far better lainon, relationships fade, sex can complicate things, expectations. But many friendships last forever, more friendships last forever than marriages. Shes your buddy and you need to take care of your buddy, and that involves doing something very kind which is letting your romantic feelings passed for both of your sakes, trust, and well being.

hey, op here to anyone still wondering, sorry for being so late, been thinking to myself a lot, coping with some other irl soykaf thank you everyone you've really been a huge help on st valentines i gifted her a bottle of wine wich she likes and a card. everything went fine and dandy she was really happy. i firmly decided not to confess to her, because there is no need in that. we do love each other, so why try and come up with some normal person bullsoykaf. it's perfect already, changing that is straight up retarded also i think i'll save this thread to maybe show it to her one day, a year from now maybe. this really was amazing, how i changed my state of mind so much, just because you guys helped me understand stuff. >>12758 that's a damn fuarrrking shame. nothing is for nothing, lain, never. i see this as a happy story, hope you are too. though it kind of hit close for me, because she's always talking about how she wants to move out from Mother Russia and live somewhere else. and i'm unable to do so because of money issues. sometimes i fear i might loose her forever like you did. >>12786 that's almost exactly what i've concluded. now, it's good and simple, complicating it would only make it worse. thank you all again, lains and know that you've made someone else's life a lot better. good luck to you all and be happy <3

>>12796 Good for you anon. May Lain bless whatever it is you've got. fuarrrk labels, just try and be happy.

>>12796 To be honest, it just sounds like you're being a coward. You don't want things to change, yet you plan to "maybe" tell her later, huh? If you're going to confess, then do it and don't procrastinate it into some distant future.

>>12796 Good for you OP. Just do whatever makes you feel like you belong wherever you are. I've got to say, your story is pretty intriguing, so keep us posted whenever there is a development in your friendship. I for one would love to hear about it!

>>12809 disagree highly. Not everything has to be done right now or never. not sure where this false dilemna is coming from. Its far better if he holds out and sees how valuable this friendship is to him and then decides if its worth saying something like that. I dont think ive made any good decisions being like "bro you have to do this now, why wait?". Ive also never heard good advice based off emotional ego targeted appeals like "you dont want to be a coward", "you dont want to be a beta", etc.

>>12833 Does it really not seem to you like OP is holding out because of fear? I'm not saying that's automatically the case because I don't see the situation in real life but OP had already feelings towards her in the beginnings of their relationship. He's had those feelings for 6 months. Personally, I see only few situations where this kind of emotional suppression would make sense, for example if the other person is in a happy relationship already and you don't want to mess it up. Although, in that situation taking distance to that person would be better than being around them and holding your emotions inside. Even when you're not sure if your emotions are genuine in the first place, talking about it in a mature way with that person can be very beneficial and will deepen your relationship if you know how to approach it the right way. I don't think it's a matter of avoiding being "beta" (I never implied this), it's more about communicating how you feel towards a person who's important to you. Why would you not want to be honest towards that person, and if you're afraid of your friendship getting destroyed, what kind of friendship is that in the first place? It just seems unhealthy and even dishonest to me personally, to not fully invest into your relationships and always holding emotions inside because you're afraid of the outcome.

>>12840 there's a pretty big difference between confessing your love for someone, and letting them know that you do feel romantic desires for them. In one you are approaching them as someone who might love you back, in the other you are approaching them as a friend. The second one is way more desirable in this circumstance.

>>12840 >>12841 I do think OP should eventually her, but not on valentine's day, not with anything romantic planned.

>>12841 >there's a pretty big difference between confessing your love for someone, and letting them know that you do feel romantic desires for them. >In one you are approaching them as someone who might love you back, in the other you are approaching them as a friend. Have you considered a third approach, like confessing your love without any attachment towards any potential outcome? What I'm suggesting is that it's completely irrelevant whether or not the feelings are mutual, or if that person freaks out and your entire friendship ends. It's simply about letting it off your chest. I don't think you should have a predetermined "plan" how it turns out, you should make those decisions together with the person you are confessing to.

>>12844 This is something I've done on multiple occasions. No expectations for outcomes, merely to vent out my feelings. Any time I've done it, the second party has always been alright with it, and appreciative to me for being honest and not placing any expectations for reciprocation on them. It's something I recommend to people who love someone who can't love them in the same way for a variety of reasons. Another important thing that other Lainons have mentioned is to determine whether or not you feel romantic or platonic love towards them. This was something I've had to come to terms with myself recently. Best of luck, and I hope this advice helps someone.

so yeah, an update this might seem like a joke, i know it did to me. three days ago she wrote me that she is dropping out of college to go to a new one in another city, so she can study something she actually enjoys instead of programming. this drove me comepletely insane, i didn't tell her much, because there wasn't really any point in doing so, but after that i felt so enraged at life my eyes were literally red, not because of tears, but because of capillaries bursting in my eyes. never ever in my life have i felt something like that, spent about 3hrs punching walls, screaming, etc. after that i felt somewhat at peace. since then i have severe fuarrrking depression, haven't really spoken to anybody or walked outside, just stare at the ceiling most of the time and sleep. made myself write an update here. i don't think i'll be writing here anymore, sorry. not in the near few days anyway. it just amazes me how life is most of the time. i just managed to sort out my feelings with the help of you guys, feel happy, have a feeling of accomplishment. managed to be sure everything will be fine from now on. and then this kind of soykaf hits. this is fuarrrking bizzare. truly amazing. she's moving this summer, so on top of that i need to wait for it, knowing this will happen. i don't think i can enjoy her company as before with that knowledge in mind. >>12845 i determined that this was platonic love that i was feeling. i didn't really have any sexual feelings towards her, and this baffled me before lains reminded me that there is such a thing as platonic love. so not confessing to her is fine for me, really. it would be, that is. i still love her, but everytime i remember the fact that she is moving soon, it hurts. just thinking about her hurts. i manage to black out the thoughts, so everything probably will be fine in the end eventually. thank you everyone again. everything is in vain. a pic of me 16yrs old, describes the emotion behind the post.

>>12853 Hello, my friend. I'd like to spare a little more advice, but feel free to disregard it if you'd like. There's always something I do when I have to make a decision (consciously or subconsciously) that will noticeably affect how my life plays out, and that's asking myself "Will I regret doing this or regret not doing this more?" Usually, it's the latter. If you do love her platonically, do you think you might regret not telling her that you value her friendship? These are just the types of questions I ask myself, if I can't seem to understand what my heart wants me to do. I always make it a point to listen to my heart (read: subconscious), then start thinking of the potential positive and negative consequences of what I'm going to do. If everything checks out, which it usually does, I go for it. And I just want to let you know that your distress is perfectly normal. Losing someone you love, regardless of type, is always heartbreaking. Just take some time to sort through it, then make your decision. I know it sounds cliché, but your heart will ultimately know what's best for you. I recommend, at the very least, valuing it's opinion highly. I do not know you, my friend, but know that I wish you the best in your life. Even if you feel broken, know that there is someone out there who cares for your well being. May your path be bright and warm, and let it call to you lest you ever become lost. Take care, my friend.

>>12853 I'm mad with you but for a completely different reason. jesus christ im sick of hearing these garbage stories about people wanting to switch degrees because they lost passion for something they thought they were going to have a passion for. DOES SHE NOT KNOW WHAT A fuarrrkING HOBBY IS? Whats with this whole stigma of "you gotta have a job that your passionate about otherwise you're gonna be unhappy". please talk some sense into her before she switches to another degree shes just gonna get bored of later. she can still learn programing then maybe on her leisure time she can use the intarnets to learn about that one thing she likes without going to college for it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVEuPmVAb8o

>>12715 i think you're right that some people are using these things to stand out, or to have some exotic-sounding name, i think it's not all bad if they really are whatever it is they call themselves, but it can be difficult to deal with people who constantly remind you that they have some special name, and some are willing to skew the definition to fit their personality, which makes the name lose it's legitimate meaning. you're right about people with 'deviations' standing out anyway. i think the right way is like how your normal person friend thinks: he knows what he's like, what his characteristics are, to help him decide will be best for him, without trying to force standing out. if something has an effect on your life, if you're conscious you'll notice the effects, and if you pay attention to yourself, you'll soon know the causes, so you don't really need anyone to tell you about the causes, and if it doesn't have any effect on your life, then there's no reason to be bothered with it. that's why it's good to be reticent, even on direct questions. if someone can't figure something out, and it's important that they know, they it makes sense to tell them once or twice, but if they don't learn it after that, why waste time with them? if that question has no answer for a while, the relationship ends. the result is making friends takes longer, having fewer friends, but these friends are the highest quality friends possible, and they will be friends for life, even if one of them does something stupid like suddenly confessing deep feelings, though that will probably not happen, because they will all know that it's better to bring these things up gradually, focusing on how they might like to change specific aspects of the relationship, while being clear that proposing the change is not meant to try to make them accept the change, and that

>>12855 Don't forget that if you can create software, everything else becomes easier, because of automation.

>>12855 I've heard people on average change degrees three times, also you could flip this and say the same for her original passion. I was passionate about computer science but switched to design because I lost the passion for it while doing it as work. I'd rather have computer science be the hobby, design on the other hand is something I can see myself doing for work and not getting burnt out. Obviously as you say, when I am being required to do design work the passion isn't there as much. However unlike computer science i'm not miserable doing it. I think you should be passionate about what you do for a living but that's more of an end dream goal not something you get to do immediately so I generally agree with you. Some people are happiest when work stays just work because they gain so much more value out of their free time as well.

>>12859 Personally doing a job outside your interest is just less emotionally tiring. If you care you will be frustrated endlessly by customer/project demands. A job where you don't care if the customer demands a car without a steering wheel to cut cost is much easier to tolerate.

>>12698 Ебать ты долбаёб, бро - земля тебе пухом!

>>12723 Is that pic from Leviathan? Good film