vent / let it all out #9

previous >>9439 >we all have our problems, if we cant share them with other lains, who can we with

>got a document on desktop which I regularly check on / update You have been isolated for long enough to reach some strong concluions and determine your path in life. Isolation has always been but is now becoming extremely painful. With a clear set path you now need resources to stay on it. Energy and people. A personality is a bundle of experiences, putting weight on previous ones keeps personality anchored. Perhaps you need to share your experiences with others. Perhaps you need to tell people where you've been and what you've done. Transmutation/channeling of life force into pursuits makes them more viable. Oxytocin is what matters, generate it through love. REMEMBER TO KEEP REMEMBERING FRIENDS. You have been longing for appreciation/affection from your defaults. They don't really care much, for themselves, much less for you. Not understanding this is detrimental to your emotional health. Start removing the gangrenes and regrow. Your superego is an obstacle. You have murdered your ego in service of superego. It was useful to get rid of your previous identity but now you need to build up a new one - without superego restrictions. Obtain markers of wanted identity. Maybe it was the burial of your previous ego that prevented you from accepting your attributes. All this falls short to professional environment. Moment someone tries to impose their will your focus is lost. You should not waste time or energy on tug-o-war. Never stop looking for another job.

>>12696 >v2 With a clear set path you now need energy & people in order to stay on it. Surgical trauma in early youth gave you some form of PTSP. Your brain is blocking new memories from forming. Which means your brain is permanently freed of unnecessary data. Which means you can quickly learn something and even faster forget it - which is extremely useful when at work. But which also means your creativity is nulled; because creativity is tightly coupled with memories and emotions You can be a depersonalized & undefined mass of existence, akin to putty, in order to efficiently navigate and maneouver life. Or you can build a personality, lose your efficiency edge, but gain a concrete identity. Should you do this on your own? A personality is a bundle of experiences, putting weight on previous ones keeps personality anchored. Perhaps you need to share your experiences with others. Perhaps you need to tell people where you've been and what you've done. Maybe it was the burial of your previous ego that prevented you from accepting your attributes. Your superego is an obstacle. You have sacrificed your ego in service of superego. It was useful to get rid of your previous identity but now you need to build up a new one - without superego restrictions. Obtain markers of wanted identity. Transmutation/channeling of life force into pursuits makes them more viable. Oxytocin is what matters, generate it through love. Remember to keep remembering friends, stop dealing with people whose life you wouldn't want to live. Your growth mindset is hindered by their limited worldviews. Their superego feeds your superego. You have been longing for appreciation/affection from your defaults. They don't really care much, for themselves, much less for you. Not understanding this is detrimental to your emotional health. Start removing the gangrenes and regrow. All this falls short to professional environment. Moment someone's ego makes business decisions which impact you - your focus is lost. You should not waste time or energy on tug-o-war. Never stop looking for professionalism and perhaps an entrance into academia.

when i first came to college i was a "politics" (language enhancer) kid. maybe not entirely but definitely some racist values. I was incredibly judgemental, paranoid, antisocial, the whole bit. I dont care if you are that way or dont see a problem with it, its just relevant to me personally. In our initial friendgroup was this girl, everyone said she was incredibly pretty but I didnt because she was black and like I said I was pretty racist. At this point I wasnt exactly racist but my beauty standards definitely would not have included her. For whatever reason though she singled me out to be close friends with. No one understood and some people were upset even because they really wanted to be friends with her. I had a lot of fun with her and she brought back a lot of sentiments of me playing with an older relative who used to live with us and was like my sister, but left right as I entered middleschool. She slowly got more sexual with me and in a very forceful way, still always maintaining that childlike "we just are playing" attitude. It even started to get violent. I dont want to go into details, eventually she decided to just stop talking to me. I dont know what it was that ticked off in her head, I think part of it was she felt ashamed to be around me. She really started to just hate me and like resent that she was around me or that I was her friend and maybe that she was attracted to me. It felt like an ego death cause I had based my whole personality around my proximity to her. I got really into drugs after, I was mess. This is also embarassing/shameful to admit but I tried to make friends with any black girl with a strong personality after, it seems less fetishization-y when I consider though not only was she the first person I loved but she was my first best friend since elementary school and one of the first people to show me kindness even if after she did awful things. I think its pretty normal to be attracted to people similar to your first interest. Im not trying to be political here for one thing, I dont really care about your politics or if you are racist (I mean I do but im on an imageboard and im not expecting to change minds). Between the drugs and her though my identity can just feel non existant sometimes. I did shape a lot of it off internet culture and that super extreme edgy kind. I still go to internet communities sometimes and no one gets me anymore there, no one quite gets me in real life either except two people. I dont mean on a level where they dont understand the "true me", I mean they dont even know how to interact with me. Online people sometimes straight up think im from a foreign country, in some sort of crazy post irony mode, or girl which is funny but it also is alienating that I seem that different when I think im not. In real life its more on my end I guess, people will try to make friends with me and get comfortable but then say something that I see as totally out of left field and it makes me think like "why did they think I would resonate with that, what do I seem like to them". Not having security in identity ever makes for a lot of anxiety in relationships, you feel like anything can shape you. You dont often have the strength or feel right to say "hey I dont like what you said" so you just dissapear from people. Even friendships feel like weird commitments, I have trouble reaching out to people to do things because I dont know what I like doing. I just know I like people and I want to talk to people and bond with people. only one person feels like this with me, its someone I met on my weird fixation to find a similar girl. shes like her if she was nice and cared about people. its funny cause we met on a dating app but I was in such a bad state i just ended up pouring out my problems to her and she was weird enough also that we just became friends. unlike me shes really pretty which also means she needs more than just someone she finds attractive in a relationship relationship, very high maitenence also unlike me. I didnt want to ever lose her so I completely blocked off any feelings of romantic interest because in my mind things went south with first girl after I told her I loved her (that isnt true actually but my brain subconsciously sees it like that). Part of me is glad I did because we wouldnt work in a relationship, part of me is very sad. Now im just going to lose her when she graduates. No one else has stuck by me and have I learned so many positive things from. Shes helped me feel confident in my complete lack of identity because shes the same, and from hearing her speak to other people ive learned to be confident in asking questions or challenging people. I remember I hadnt seen her for awhile because I was too wacked out all the time on drugs and I didnt think she would have missed me and she couldnt stop bringing up how I hadnt been coming to see her ever and was worried when I left that I wouldnt visit again. My mom is what keeps me from killing myself but shes probably whats keeping me sober. Im also going to counseling, its helpful, il be doing therapy soon. Whats weird is they want me to do all these programs and speak to people and say stuff like "I think theyd learn a lot from you too" and the courses of action seem so extreme compared to other people I know who have visited them that seem more severe to me. Im worried I have some rare psychological condition. Recently ive been sleeping so much I cant get anything done besides my course work. I dont feel insane, the only time i feel diassociated is when my addictive personality takes over and ive learned excersizes to bring me back out of my head, the most I can say is sometimes I feel like im more primitive than other people. Even though im smart, can think about really abstract stuff, and have a good capacity for learning, my motivations are often very simple. I cant plan ahead very well, even playing video games with my roomates theres some kind of cognitive difference. I can often get much better than them the longer we play but I dont know why im doing what im doing and they do, its like im acting entirely unconsciously. If things dont click on this instinctual unconscious level they dont click at all. Im often broke, but I have no incentive to get money because the process doesnt make sense to me and seems impenetrable sometimes. I often consider going homeless, like that seems like an easier alternative to working because everything that needs to be taken care of is intuitive. When I do talk with people about abstract stuff its not abstract to me its very real and so they dont often understand why im so focused on something that seems like an ideal or not important to the discussion and just abstraction to be stated and moved on. I considered autism but too many things dont fit and my counselor who has a phd says she doesnt see it. I keep getting told im complex but I feel im actually the opposite, my friend is the only one that agrees; she can always see straight through me. I just feel like im very depressed, anxious, and have intimacy issues. So I dont know what this big thing is I supposedly have that psychologists could learn a lot from. Or why I need to be in a super intensive therapy program. Probably the weirdest/horrible thing ive done is this; in elementary school I tried to poison a classmate. But this was for very simple reasons too, I was very edgy and didnt understand what death meant really. I felt like if I did something that extreme no one would ever bother me or try to mess with me, I was decently liked at the time and not bullied but I saw other people and I didnt want it to happen to me. Thankfully I was a dumb kid and my "poison" was made out of only mildly toxic stuff like hand sanitizer and pen ink and a random mushroom I found. Sometimes though it keeps me up at night because I imagine what would have happened if it worked, and how different my life would be. Because of this im very against jailing children and diagnosing them with sociopathy because I feel like if that happened I really would be sociopathic. The future doesnt seem like it really holds anything but im trying my best. More than ever I consider suicide and drug use, but that might be a side effect of quitting now for about a month. I have a few goals now finally - Work through my therapy program, im getting a call soon with details - Work on getting better at drawing, ive been slacking a lot - Get a job - Spend time with my friend so I can come to terms with her leaving in a healthy way - Make friends and be more open to people approaching/trying to talk to me. Not dismissing people because they said something I dont like - Sleeping less and going to the gym sorry for life story, im just uncertain and scared right now. I forgot to mention too all of my friends I did drugs with, they are all gone now which is for the better but heartbreaking because I see a few of them in classes and they look at me but I say nothing. I spend most of my day alone literally doing nothing just sleeping doing my class work and watching youtube videos. That friend and my roomates are the only people I see outside of class, but secretly I dont like my roomates at all I even hate them because one of thems done some very awful things he thinks I dont know about. I feel more alone with him than I do alone. This post went so off the rails, it was going to be about how feelings of love are resurfacing for that friend. I think shes cute but I also see her as like an older sister and a daughter even sometimes. I wish I could hold her but shes very against being touched. what id like the most is for god to come pick me up and take me away and tell me everything when I go to sleep tonight. Let me know things will be okay and that it will all work out for the best.

>>12780 >I have trouble reaching out to people to do things because I dont know what I like doing. I just know I like people and I want to talk to people and bond with people. very same. I think most social interactions are just excuses to talk and bond with friends. Weed and alcohol by far the best excuses I've ever found, because you don't need do anything else and can just sit around hanging out. You have to find people you like to do that with though. I found a group I like very recently and it's been amazing. Best 4 weeks of my life so far. Basically lain you're still young and you'll get many many chances to start over.

All my online friends fuarrrking hate my guts. They make fun of me for not fitting into their ideal person, for having flaws, for not fitting in like the rest of them We don't like the same things and we all have different political views. I'm always the black sheep. The butt of every joke. And I do so much for them, I make them things, I give them advice to the best of my ability. I show off my work, all I get is wow thats fuarrrking ugly and stupid while someone posts something worse and they get their ass kissed. None of it is appreciated. It's always fuarrrk you stupid cunt idiot bitch arguements. They think the group would be better off without me. The sad part is, they're all I have left. This happened in real life too. I find a group of people I like, we're similar at first but then everyone gets closer while I become the scapegoat for everyone until they abandon me. Either that or I'm with someone and they have an idea of me but when I don't fit that idea I'm insulted to hell and back. I don't think I'm the problem. I joke around with them even if I'm the joke, when I talk seriously it's always something well written and not mindless whining. I've vented to them a few times sure but I think they just took it as more bully material. This time I abandoned them first. I'm going to delete all the forms of communication they know, and I'm going to start over. It really hurts but I'm sick of being bullied. It's sad, I was gonna meet up with them during the summer and I already planned and bought things but I'll have to return it.

>>12782 I used to too but our group got into heavier stuff and I became an addict so I cant do that much really. Weed I can handle and alcohol to a relative degree but if I get too drunk I have a tendency to spiral and buy/use other drugs.

I'm lonely. When I was a kid, I was always playing by myself. I wasn't an outcast in grade school but I just did my own thing. At home, I read hungrily and spent hours imagining and fantasizing in my room. As a teenager I became more of a real loner. People never really made an effort to talk to me - I was always the initiator in social situations, but as time went on and I moved over and over, I stopped putting in the effort to initiate. I spent school hours reading, daydreaming, and talking with my tiny group of friends, all of which valued me less than I valued them. I wasn't my best friend's best friend - one day, he stopped talking to me out of the blue. I saw him hanging out with someone else a few months later - my replacement, I guess. I don't know why he did it and he never responded when I asked. I don't remember when I first started feeling depressed - maybe I was born with it. Around this time I started noticing how bad I was at making relationships with others. I got addicted to pornography when I was 11 or so. It basically ruined whatever else I had going for me. Somewhere down the line I made the switch from softcore to hardcore, 3d to 2d, vanilla to increasingly extreme fetishes. I became aware of my own romantic desires at the same time that I became aware of the fact that it was likely I would be single my entire life. What girl would willingly spend time with a porn-addicted, ugly, creepy guy like me? I coasted through the first bit of school on memorization skills, meaning I had no work ethic to speak of. I saw myself as more intelligent than the masses, spurred on by my parents' assertions that I was 'gifted.' In the end I graduated high school with a mediocre GPA and next to no options. I enlisted in the Army two months later. As a young adult I did my best to perform my duties and not fail my teammates. I was treated politely by my coworkers, but held at arm's length. On weekends I was always alone in the barracks as other people invited each other to hang out. I never had anyone to confide in or talk to about non-work issues. I never got in trouble since I never really did anything besides work and watch anime in my room. I was born into a strongly religious household and kept the same strong faith as my parents. I chose to forego things like alcohol, drugs, casual sex, obscene language, and tobacco as part of my beliefs, yet to my shame I was still addicted to pornography. This contradiction caused me to feel incredibly guilty and undeserving of happiness or satisfaction. I sometimes felt I did not deserve to be loved by God or to live at all. I sometimes would deliberately sabotage my own relationships because I felt I did not deserve them. Here's the end result of all of that: It's 11 o'clock at night, I'm alone in a hotel room in a big city, with lots of disposable income and nothing to do. I could go out and do something, but what's the point? Wherever I go I'll be miserable and alone, no matter what I do. I'm a terrible person, a mediocre soldier, a horrible son and brother, and a failure. I don't know if I'll even live through the next 10 years. I've spent my entire life pushing people away when they tried to help because I didn't deserve it and now I'm living the natural result of my actions. I can't say that I don't know where it went wrong, but finding a part of my life where something didn't might be harder than finding the biggest thing that did. Oh well. On Tuesday I'll be back at work, I'll make small talk and jokes with my coworkers again, and everything will continue until I ETS and become a wageslave office zombie until I die.

>>12787 why not go for a nice walk around?

>>12780 It's so weird how I came into this thread and tell my own story but someone else written it all out for me already. It makes me feel a little less lonely.

>>12787 I was here to vent about my current life, but you pretty much described my own life. At a point I was afraid I wrote that and forgot about it. Until the last parts about religion which isn't me.

going through university without an idea on what i would like to major in nor career plan nothing interests me anymore, and i feel deprived of passion it's hellish

To live one must intoxicate oneself with some drug in order to avoid the overwhelming feeling of oppression caused by the void. Spend more time than needed, reflecting about the precariousness and weirdness of existence, about unfathomable darkness we dwell, and you'll go insane. What are the drugs? Christianity, progress, money, science, math, nations, whatever. It’s kind of unsettling how we live in this linguistic facade of meaning that conceal the true state of being, i.e., emptiness, while nobody cares about. That is a real feeling of horror: at some moment we disconnect ourselves from earth and now we are trapped inside this ethereal monster that dictates our whole posture towards life. And yet all of this is so fragile… These bones and flesh that are me could explode at any moment. Being thrown into nature means constant danger: predators can kill you, starvation is a real threat. But the solution to this problem is to hide behind the delusions of civilization. I can’t bear this anxiety. Self-awareness is a prove that this world was created by Satan, this is dantesque

>>12815 The world is not so bad in its own way when you get to know it, its mostly people who turned this place to hell. I dont know if this world was created by satan but im convinced satan runs this world, in a literal sense.

>>12815 What is this soykaf ?

>>12821 welcome to /r/iamverysmart may i take your order

>>12827 It's a very valid question.

>>12821 >>12827 >>12829 Please don't mock me. I don't pretend to be smart, I'm not smart, I just don't feel alright. Now that I reread that text I realize how crappy and pretentious it is. That's precisely my point: to exist is to stain something. I'm ashamed, I wish I could dissapear.

>>12830 cheer up, chan culture and even in real life people.hate to see people express themselves, often cause they feel unable to. Pretentious for a chan? Perhaps. We all have made posts though in a moment of inspiration and look back and think "God why was I being so serious/emotional". Its my belief a place like this is just a poor outlet for that kind of inspiration, itd be better to write it in real life on a piece of paper, or draw, or paint, or whatever.

Work vs relaxation is a really interesting topic to think about Too many people are too focused on just preparing for their future. It's really a waste. You can work all your days away and become the best at everything but if you never enjoyed any of it, it'll be in vain. This changes if you are learning about something to truly love, in that case, it's hardly working. Still, so many people just become numb these days to anything. They need a certain kind of stimulation constantly to not get bored. Work, learning, that sort of thing can produce the same effect. It's important to remember to take some days slow, and sit down with a cup of coffee in your back yard, and just enjoy a nice day. Life seems to last longer that way. Recently I've come to the conclusion that just pushing my way through life as if everything has to be done in this certain order isn't really going to lead to fulfillment. I don't want to have to do everything in the exact order that people say I do, at the exact times they say I do, to produce exactly the same result. I think I need to take a break, take it slow, and get away from everything. I need to just enjoy life for a while, away from the constant intense stimulation that we're exposed to. I'm not sure how to, though. It's too bad that the educational system is structured in such a way that I have to do it now. It's too bad that I can't just take a break and focus on myself without losing out. Maybe it's important to resist these rewards society likes to give you to funnel you into being a machine for society.

I went 15 minutes after waking up before the suicidal thoughts came back. I don't want to live like this.

>>12849 Been there.

>>12849 For some life is about getting better at programming, at this or that. But maybe for you it's getting those 15 minutes to last hours. That's a skill too, today maybe is 15 minutes more than yesterday and you can call that an accomplishment at the very least.

Happiness doesn't last. It never does. Before I had found happiness, I was lost. I yearned for something I didn't know existed. But now that I've tasted it, I'm in a far worse place, because now I know I yearn for that which cannot exist. I've learned the horrible Truth that there is no security to be found in all of existence. Not in God, not in fate, not in your fellow man, not in one's own strength, not even in oblivion. If you find happiness, there is nothing and nobody to protect your happiness. Never be grateful for good fortune, not to anyone, because you will lose it all the same. Who are you? How do you want to live? Who do you want to be? Whatever you resolve unto eternity will be stolen from you. The stronger your resolve, the more it will hurt. The true shape of our world is emptiness from which we can never escape. Do you see our prison? Do not love your jailer.

>>12870 How about taking a like at being hurt ?

>>12830 Look I am sorry I shouldn’t have said that

I have decided to stop being a mean spirited edgelord online. I wish I could take back some of the dickish things I've told people. I've never told anyone to kill themselves or that they deserve to be raped/murdered/etc., but I've still said so many unnecessarily spiteful things to people that it's constantly bothering me how I let myself stoop so low for no reason at all. Whenever someone says something to get a rise out of me, I struggle to resist the urge to escalate things. I shouldn't be like this. But I am. And I hate it.

It's not OK. She's pretty but works for the "enemy". Even though we know we're all on the same side... Secretly thrilling me when I'm on duty. Hurting me when she think's I'm not looking. rooting around in my dreams trying to get the keys. screwing me while the cameras are on. It's not OK.

>>12873 its funny this is one of my biggest regrets of all time. Its hard to look at my friends sometimes and think about some of the racist fuarrrked up things I used to say and believe in. Im already suicidal so this is probably just another excuse but I think about killing myself sometimes because its not like those thoughts dont exist. I spent like 6 years being an internet edgelord so even 5 years later I still occasionally remember how I used to think. In fact it might be the only thing I truly regret and ive been a drug addict, sexually abused before (I definitely allowed it to continue), all sorts of bad decisions and things. Yet this is the only thing I dont feel like I learned anything by doing. Even being a shut in almost, I only learned to not be because I got sick of it. I didnt get sick of being edgy I just had people reach out to me and I learned from them different ways to think and see things. Had that not happened id still be. About the only thing I learned is how to bring people out of that, I rarely get to use it because I can hardly stand being near people like that now.

>>12870 It sounds like your finding security and comfort in those things. You have some kind of mental block to happiness, as other people clearly feel it. If its within the range of human experience something then isnt allowing you to feel it. For example some find complete security in God, if I asked you why you don't those reasons would be why you can't, and they are reasons those who do dont have. Some people truly can never be happy but thats not something they will find out till they die unhappy. Its a bit presumptious to say you never can or will, but maybe thats coming from me one of the lucky ones. I do have clinical depression and ive also thought about what your saying and decided its just not true for me. That could be because I learned something else or it could be as you say that I just had the capability within me and you do not.

>>12695 Yesterday was the worst I've felt in a while. I'm fortunate that all that entailed was just skipping lunch and having a splitting headache, but man I felt like crab (sic). Basically, I'm applying to a graduate school I've been dreaming about since several years ago... Things are going alright, mostly; I have my letters of rec in order, and I've been getting decent/good grades in the classes I've been taking. The one roadblock is the GRE... Everyone's been telling me "Oh relax, you'll do fine!" But I've taken a couple of practice tests and I've done abhorrently on the Reading Section (Other sections have been find). Yesterday was me trying to course correct and I spent about seven hours just going through two sets of flashcards (I've memorized about 950 / 1000 words)... I still have some time (GRE is tomorrow afternoon), and I think I can make a couple of things *click* so I get at least a grade that doesn't raise eyebrows upon review of my application. It's just a lot, you know? I have one chance to get this right, since the application is due by the end of March, and I've never been one to just *get* reading sections on Standardized Tests... Like, if I don't get accepted, due to circumstances, I won't be able to apply until next year, which puts a lot of pressure on several of my plans for the future. I've always held that Standardized Tests are bogus (GRE word apparently... It means "fake"), but they're a necessary evil in some respects. It's also just been a really hard week. I help TA the intro-to-CS courses at my UNI, and as part of the help, I need to work at least two hours each week, helping students debug programs once they sign up for a queue. This week was especially awful (I worked close to six-seven hours), and there were a couple of disheartening bits (one student was in a python class, week 8, and did not know how to call functions. Maybe I was explaining things badly, but I am concerned about the direction the CS department is taking). Between that and struggling with building a ThreadPool, it's been a difficult week... But I've been taking it one day at a time, and I think it's been working... Maybe. Thanks for reading this far. Here's a dumb joke: Farm-based passive circuit component: The inclucktor

I've been rewriting this post for like 10 minutes or some soykaf so im just gonna spill and ignore any errors i make or some soykaf. When I was a teenager I was considered anti-social, but still had friends yknow? They were alright and all, we'd meet up and hang out and soykaf. I considered them rather trust worthy at the time and it went pretty swimmingly. One day a guy in our group wanted to stay at my place for the night, im not really the type of guy to be into that sort of stuff but i dont know i guess id have felt bad for rejecting him. It was all good and soykaf, the usual stuff. We hung out and did all x,y and z. It was getting pretty late and we were both tired so we were heading to sleep. I had no spare room and only one mattress so i just asked if he wanted to stay in my bed and share it and he was fine with it. Yknow, i was just about to sleep. I felt what i think is the guys thigh, and then his hand, and then he kinda fuarrrking mounted me. And I uh, did nothing like an idiot. I just fuarrrking froze like a god damn retard, i didnt know what to do, I was exhausted and confused as hell. I didnt know what was happening and kinda went blank. The guy then began to undress my lower garments and then he yknow did the hand and mouth things. It really fuarrrked me up man. fuarrrk i mean i was anti social before but not how i am now. I've been reduced to some anti-social, skittish, unpredictable (emotions wise) guy. Gave me a whole new outlook on reality yknow? I dont know why i wrote this here, not expectin a pity party from lain. Guess i was provoked.

Can't cope with being so goddamn ugly. Not just ugly, but pathetic-ugly, the kind that means nobody will ever respect you, much less love you. I literally can't bear it, except... y'know, I have to. No matter what goes on inside my head, I can't opt out of having this face. Kinda wanna shoot up a club full of good-looking people. Welcome to life bitches, you've had it too easy for too goddamn long, time for you to experience just how unfair the world can be.

>>12897 (For anyone wondering, I'm extremely high inhib, too pussy even to kill myself. Just trying to vent here.)

>>12897 Dont shoot me Lainon. I might just love you more than you realize.

>>12895 i'm not sure if this is a solution that would work for you but you could try being friends with girls instead. maybe it could help you get passed the skittishness over time. I dont pity you I just am sorry that happened, it's a very very frightening thing. Are you at a place now where if a similar thing started happening you could say no or clearly be like stop? I think thats part of where the skittishness and fear comes from, it happens even when people do say no or resist but mentally not feeling able to makes that even more scary. It's hard to say how to work on that but it's something to maybe work towards that I think would help you overall.

I forgot to back up the fuarrrking project folder for the game I was working on before I distrohopped. All those months of work, now gone. And I'm not even sure if I want to start it all over again. Guess that'll teach me to leave all my stuff in one partition.

middle class soykafter, been spoiled somewhat, i have and had life easier than most people, but something is terribly wrong with me, i'm such a fuarrrking loser and pathetic weak fuarrrk,can't go on telling every little stupid worthless life detail and minor problems but I terribly want to kill myself, been for the last 4 years, everyday just gets worse, i get so angry easily, my day is ruined easily, i give up on anything and everything. I just want to go jump off of a building or a bridge but thoughts keep eating away at me. I can't talk to anymore, my problems will be dismissed as nothing or minor in the face of other's problems and maybe that's true but doesn't change the fact that i hate myself so much and wish to suddenly disappear, tried gym,eating healthy,vitamin D,john warts,meditation, setting goals. nothing works, i'm literally the most useless human, i'm incapable of doing anything because im a huge fuarrrking glitterboy.

>>12789 this

i did meth last night like a fuarrrking idiot. 2 months sober mostly (nothing hard and rarely alcohol or weed even) prior. the thing is ive never done straight meth,id had coke that was mostly cut with meth but this was the first time i actually bought and did meth. only saving grace was i ate my dose to reduce addictive potential as much as possible and then threw away rest. it was just the wrong place at the wrong time, i was already in a mental place where if someone offered something id use it, and on my way to grocery store what would happen to be offered by a random dude other then fuarrrking methamphetamine. i was feeling a little down that day, and now im going to have to face an even soykaftier down. its funny how when ive been sober for a while i forget how bad a comedown is compared to my usual downs. And at least with other stimulants its not proportional, my mood can be soykafty a week after for a one day high. i need to talk to someone but i dont want to tell anyone what i did, not even the aa group thing i go to.

I haven't spoken to my only friend in over a month now. I'm not even sure what to say to her anymore, we rarely have any meaningful conversations nowadays. It's always one of us talking about ourselves and the other just listening. Always one-sided. I feel like maybe this is it, this is the point where we've drifted too far apart and now I'm alone. Again. Just like how I was all throughout my school years, alone, friendless, and wishing for everything to just end. I feel like I just need to make more friends, but if I knew how to do that I wouldn't be feeling like this. There's nothing interesting I have to talk about. Nothing I can discuss to start a conversation with someone and possibly start a friendship. All I ever want to talk about is me and stuff I like. I mean fuarrrk, just look at this post, nothing but "me me me". And it's because of this that I come off as boring and unappealing to be around. I don't even know what it is that my friend saw in me when we first met. Or if there's anything she continues to see in me.

I'm going to graduate from university soon and I have no idea what I'm going to do when that happens. I'd like to ask if I can maintain some kind of association with my university so I could publish things easier, but I imagine that's not a thing I can get paid for.

>>13001 damn dude, hope you get better

>>13007 I know just how you feel. Limbo is a sometimes tense place, but it is also full of free time with endless potential. Time to make new friends, see new places, make new dynamics among old friends, and work on other aspects of yourself besides your education. Dont see it as an end, but as a new beginning, try not to focus to much on the details, and live for your own reasons one moment at a time. That is not to say you should ignore the future, but do not fall into the trap of believing you can predict it. Best to make your best guess at where you want to be given current conditions, then live your life according to how you believe you reach that guesstimate.

>>12952 Condolences, as a fellow gamedev i know how that must be. Let this be a lesson to backup your stuff.

>>13008 im surviving. I think its uphill from here now, the past three days have been hell though. Been locked in my room and the only thing I was interested in doing to entertain myself was drinking and hurting myself. I talked with a friend about it, am gonna go to my meeting, and am gonna go get a sandwich and visit a bookstore.

>wake up >do pt >... >eat, shower, change >go to work >... >lunch >more work >... >change >watch anime alone in room >dinner >check how many days left until ets >... >sleep weekend/4 day >wake up >... >eat >game/watch anime >... >eat >browse internet >sleep >...

I waste a lot of time on trivial things. Read books that do not help me at all and are obscure.

Unironically failing the last class I need to graduate because SJW teacher does not want me to use textbooks to cite facts because they "don't tell the truth properly" am STEM student, this is just a forced "humanities" elective I also have not slept in 38 hours because of volume of work (actual job) and school, this is the first break I have taken in 8 hours, I have been listening to metal and had 5 cups of coffee just to stay awake. I think i am starting to hallucinate from the lack of sleep... I just have to make it to Friday and I can get some rest. I might get 2 or 3 hours of sleep tonight, wish me luck

>>13048 Good luck.

>>13048 Sida Cordifolia, Mucuna Pruriens and Adrafinil

>>13048 Good luck!

I dislike living so much. It's just can't get into my head the sole idea of living like this. It's not a "ah, he's just complaining that life doesn't go like this or that on his life", I simply dislike the concept of living as a whole. Waking up everyday, doing things I don't want to do. I wish I could get off that. I've recently discovered I've been losing interest on this that I used to give me pleasure, now I just stay on bed, thinking about nothing, but at the same time, thinking about everything; always overthinking. I dislike this so much. I used to be a very lonesome person, I thought that, if maybe I managed to get some friends, life could bright a little and I'd be able to look up to a better future, but that's not it, I still so depressed, I still feeling so bad. I've got friends now, friends that same interests as me, but I still don't enjoy life. Always when I get home after a full day with them, I start to think, think and think until I come to the realisation that I dislike this environment so much. I'm poor, I hate to live like this, in this environment, in this country, with those people, I hate this, I hate this so much. I just wish I could sleep, and then never waking up again. Sleeping for the eternity. I wish i had a gun, seems so easy. I can't kill myself because I'm such a coward, and due to that I'm living like this. I hate living. I hate living. What drugs can I take to make me enjoy life? What can i do? I've tried everything, going to gym, speaking with a therapist, getting friends... But I just can't, I can't bring myself to enjoy this

>>13063 There's some things you can do, that might bring you what you want. Definitely don't do drugs for now, they might fix your problem temporarily, but at the end you'll see that they just put you deeper in a hole and it will be harder to get out for you. >now I just stay on bed, thinking about nothing, but at the same time, thinking about everything; always overthinking. Therapists won't help you at the end, it depends though, but the issue is not with the environment it's how you get affected by things of your environment. What you should do is focus on the things that bother you, while not judging them. What you're currently doing is thinking nothing, which might be peaceful, but the issue with that is that you're just "floating." If you try to be aware of to focus while not interacting with thoughts, you should be able to see what caused them in the first place and how you do resolve them in a way that makes them dissolve into nothing. >I dislike this so much. I used to be a very lonesome person, I thought that, if maybe I managed to get some friends, life could bright a little and I'd be able to look up to a better future, but that's not it, I still so depressed What happens if you wouldn't have looked up for friends, if you wouldn't have tried to make friends, if you wouldn't have desired to create friendships. You're thinking of your life should be instead of living in the now, trying to make yourself into the future you that you want to be and if you don't reach it you get depressed. So what you should ideally do is living in the now instead of living trying to push yourself into a possible future with force. Drugs will only immerse the effect, they make you think you're there, instead of being here. What were to happen if this illusionary bubble would dissolve? You'd feel much worse than before because you were so immersed into the experiences of the drug, which makes you desire the state of being "there" again. It's not different from your current situation, what you're doing would be just replacing the objects in your environment with something else. You didn't try everything yet, drugs won't make you happy, going to the gym won't make you happy, finding a girlfriend won't make you happy, getting money won't make you happy. The issue is that you want to be happy in the first place, that you want to be there instead of here, which is basically the same as coming down from a drug, I imagine. You can try meditation, but don't do any meditation that makes you go into a "nothingness" state, where you don't think (which you did before). These are counter productive for your current goal. What you should do while meditating is trying to focus on the things that make you feel depressed without interacting with them, if you were to interact with them it would be like making a fire bigger. If you do nothing and are truly passively watching them then they should dissolve at some point, like a fire does when you don't put any material to burn on it. If you do this enough you should reach a state where you feel peaceful, everything will look fine to you. Don't give up and try this, I believe in you! If you want I can talk with you and maybe I can help you more. I hope this post helped you a little bit.

>>13063 >What drugs can I take to make me enjoy life? What can i do? I've tried everything, going to gym, speaking with a therapist, getting friends... But I just can't, I can't bring myself to enjoy this You can try weed, lots of people seem to do fine on it. Others recommend shrooms, but i cant vouch for that myself. You need a direction in life in my opinion, theres no easy way to do it, you will have to try new things and see what fits you and what doesnt. Dont give up hope, there are things worth doing and living for, even if its hard to see. >>13032 That sounds frustrating, but one day things can change for you, i know it sounds hard to belive, just hang in there.

Had a fling with a woman, now think I got something, pain. Been in and out of work since a crash last year, have to go to a psyche eval for insurance payout. Closely paying attention to political meltdown in my country. Raw dystopic mass feeling of dread looms.

>>13071 You got an STD?

>>13048 >teacher does not want me to use textbooks to cite facts because they "don't tell the truth properly" Elaborate? Hope your exam went alright.

>>13063 first: imagine yourself happy, in general. How would your life have to be for you to want to get up in the morning? Think long and hard about this, don't be afraid to fantasize. You're clearly very perceptive and a good critical thinker, you can do this part. second: Convince yourself that your desired life is possible. Maybe you might have to adjust your desires to become possible, but imo part of what makes a dream good is that it feels possible. Start thinking about concrete steps towards making your dream reality. Have a plan. third: execute. Don't just keep this an idle daydream. It's surprisingly easy to make major life changes, in most situations. Don't be afraid of a little hardship, or embarrassment, or isolation, or even failure, they're part of the process. Fear is the mind-killer. Basically, start living a goal-oriented life, where you set your own goals. >what drugs do I have to take pscyhedelics have helped me a lot in this regard. Buying them online was one of the first things I ever did that made me *feel* like I was making my own decisions, and using them both in macro-doses and micro-doses has been the best anxiety medication.

>friend has drifted apart from me >very reluctant to have any kind of conversation >can count the number of words they use on one hand >end up spending far too much time and effort trying to decipher what they said Should I just take the hint and stop talking to them?

>>13266 I do that to people if speaking to them becomes a liability. I know what i say, if your memory gets too creative(lie to yourself and by extension me), your only listening for dopamine/buzzwords or i suspect you of repeating convo to others. There is not really much worth saying. From my experience the people who want to talk the most are the worst at it.

>>13267 By repeating I mean I would rather speak to a group than be misinterpreted

>>12894 How did the test go? Also, here's some good luck.

havent felt good in a long time but im surviving and learning to persevere. i kept looking for big revelations and they kept fading, all there is to do is to forget and move on and not cry. im playing a game of two me's right now and one wants to do amazing things and the other wants to do everything bad and evil and self destructive. so the problem is and perhaps was that when I said "no you have to cry and feel guilty about this" that just made it more attractive to the bad me. Maybe i need to stop making war and give the bad me some love. Hes disgusting so disgusting, I think ive done more disgusting things to myself then anyone here perhaps. But shunning and scolding, even literal beating trying to beat this side of me away, or trying to take such a high dose of acid my mind is annhilated, none of its worked. So I guess we have to try something new maybe. Ive tried micromanaging it too, putting good things in front of him and taking the bad away, im unsure how much that isnt working and how much im just not trying enough. I feel its appropriate to write a love letter to this dark me. Hey buddy we love you and we just know your always in pain because you do kind of quirky wild stuff like not sleep or take drugs or cut yourself or masturbate in ways we dont need to talk about that make you feel guilty about yourself and sometimes hurt yourself. In fact youve hit every one of those today! But dont be upset, we are done trying to kill you and instead decided maybe a hug will help more. its okay to have self destructive fantasies, i have fantasies of saving the world and sometimes that saving is unrealistic and wouldnt actually help anything so i just enjoy the fantasy and let it pass. Maybe if we talk more we can figure out when your being self destructive since I know sometimes it can be hard to tell. Lets not ruin any more fine days under the pretense of making them perfect only to crash and burn.

>>13287 i just realized something funny, many of the awful things I do to myself if someone else told me they did them to themselves I wouldnt shun them or even really be disgusted or surprised, id just be kind of worried. Yet for some reason i dont extend other me that same sympathy and think "oh wow if people knew about this they would never want to talk to you, your a freak loser". Weird

I was ending my long post about my school, how I hate it, how it's making me angry, sad, but my computer just turned off. It seems like even it doesn't like my ramblings.

Tell me your problems lainon. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently. Not a good experience.

>>13297 I also had really bad nightmares recently. Probably the most memorable one was where someone tried breaking into my car and I saw them but they put all of my belongings in their car and walked away, so I opened their car door and started taking my things and putting them back, then they grabbed me, forced me into the car and injected me with some kind of chemical that made me helpless and immobile, then they injected me with something else and something bad happened (i don't remember what that something was, because I woke up). Was oddly concerning.

>>13297 W-who's the g-girl?

I've had constant derealization/depersonalization for about 3 years. At times I feel like a detached observer viewing events in someone else's life. My limbs and fingers feel like tree branches or grass - like something not part of my body. The sensations experienced through my skin, eyes, ears, and mouth feel disconnected from each other and me, like they could shut off at any time. My face sometimes feels like a piece of rubber stretched by someone else's hands. I tend to think about useless subjects, like how unlikely it is that I, as an immaterial being that has existed since an unknown point in the past, came to be incarnated in a physical body and experience reality, and how unlikely it was for me to exist within my identity - to be born in the specific body and in the specific circumstances I was born in - and how much more likely it was that I would have been born in a third world country or at a point in the distant past or future. I tend to have what I call half-thoughts - where I seem to approach a subject in my mind, carry out logical processes, and come to a conclusion without actually thinking cohesive thoughts, and leaving me unsure if I've actually thought or concluded anything at all about the subject. I'm constantly aware of my status as both one who thinks and does and a nameless being who creates the mental structures necessary to think and do. My memory has been deteriorating in addition to everything else. I can't remember basic stuff like "take out the trash in the other room" even 10 minutes later. My long term memory is worse - sometimes people I've never met in my life approach me, ask how I've been, and call me by name. My parents and people I know mention details of events I seem to have been part of many years ago, yet I have no memory of them. This extends from early memories all the way to those from just a few months ago. These symptoms first appeared when I was prescribed wellbutrin/zoloft over the course of a very confused roughly 8-month section of my life. I remember being very dizzy and lightheaded almost constantly during that time but not much else. What I do remember about my life during that time would make a good attention-grabbing paragraph on the back of a cheap paperback. I feel like my mind is dissolving. It's difficult to concentrate on my duties at work and when at home I find almost no enjoyment in any of my hobbies. I go through the motions robotically to pass the time and then sleep. Is there a way to fix this? If I talk to someone will they actually help me or just prescribe more zombie pills?

I can feel my self burning out.

>>13333 nice quads. theres mental excersizes you can do that bring you back to the moment, they sort of are dumb little therapist tricks but they can work if its causing an immediate problem in that moment. 1. have a list of things to iSpy for in a room. ask yourself like "Find an object thats green" "Find something you use everyday" etc. It forces you to interact with the immediate environment 2. Put your hand out flat with your fingers spread apart in front of you. With the pointer finger of your other hand trace your hand thats flat out. When you go up a finger breathe in and down one breathe out. these are things for when you are slipping into serious dissacoiation. other things though, your half thoughts thing is just a way of thinking. society tends to paint logic as how people think and the best way but this isnt always the case. Thinking like your describing is characteristic of more intuitive or unconscious thinking. Its totally fine for everyday thinking, if you are in a situation you need to use logic you may need to think in words if thats something you dont normally do. As in concrete sentences, im sure you think words but I think I know what your talking about and its this kind of just stream of conscious where things are connecting and a few words pop up maybe but its largely just sort of happening. The results from these can be equally valuable to those clearly able to be followed and understood, its just that you may need to communicate them. The best solution aside from just "thinking words" is to find someone who is very logical and coherent and have discussions and debates with them. This needs to be someone you have some trust with, just trust enough that they want to have honest discussions and arent competitive and arent going to just try and confuse your thinking/win. have you stopped taking wellbutrin or zoloft and which one(s)? I have an idea of which one might be the problem based on what you are describing.

>>13347 I've been off that stuff for over 3 years at this point.

>>13348 stopping the wellbutrin could definitely lead to lack of interest in life. have you tried keeping that but knocking the ssri's?

>>12789 I think a hiking/climbing may cheer you up too (I have a turtle, that helps too)

>>13349 To be honest I'd rather not use antidepressants again.

>>13387 thats fair but wellbutrin and ssri's work in very different ways. im sure you know this. but your motivation may never be the same as a normal persons without the wellbutrin. i have some advice still and maybe good news for you. my mom is horribly depressed, more so than I am and im in an outpatient program. she never used medication or anything, and il tell you that today she is most of the time at least content. She may not be the happiest but she never feels like life has no point or is bored with everything. So the most important yet also trite piece of advice is to push through. You may feel like the years your at are supposed to be your golden years and its only downhill from there, thats not exactly true. Experience brings better times, and worse times, most importantly worse times, that let you truly appreciate when things are just "okay". Remember that there is progress and beauty just in your cry of "everything seems pointless, im not enjoying the things im doing anymore", because you already are searching for something new and more. You may be someone whos always searching and it might lead you to lead a full life, likewise if you are worried there isnt any reason for you to think you will stop doing this in old age and become stagnant and stuck in your personal hell. Its a character trait. You can learn to appreciate what you have, but you can also follow this intuition and perhaps not lead the most enjoyable or happiest life but one you are proud of that makes all the bad worth it. Im not sure if these are things you worry about, just in case. Likewise you might also not listen to anything im saying and find a completely new path to ail your ills, and be a great example for others like you who want to live a full life without medication. Heres some more basic advice. >1. Listen to advice from those on a similar path as yours Id reccomend ex drug addicts oddly. They tend to have dealt at their core with similar problems to you, and many dont use medication because due to the nature of their issue they wanted to find a drug free way. There might be other groups of people too, but this is a good one. Look more into people adressing the core of their issues that expressed as addiction, not those just talking about addiction. > 2. Remember the times you do feel motivated and filled with purpose and clear headed It may be incredibly brief, you might have to really pay attention to yourself over the next week and find a moment that is just 5 minutes. Figure out what brings it out, what it is, try to extend it by a little bit. Know that you will never feel this way all or even maybe most of the time, but you can enough to make things seem worth it in your darkest moments. Even just the act of remembering it, most of the time it will mean nothing in your bad moments, but slowly it will be more prominent. >3. Read some psychology literature Whatever most interests you, be very critical of it dont take it as word of god, just think about what applies and what doesnt, what makes intuitive sense and what doesnt. Synthesize, compare etc. Im reluctant to reccomend this but I feel like it will provide insight into yourself, on your own terms, something you perhaps missed when talking with those who prescribed you medication. > 4. Perhaps more magical things If you are someone with kind of magical thinking, who believes there is things that cant be known by reason alone, which because of the way you describe your thinking perhaps you may be, this can be surprisingly effective. You can think of rituals and prayer as a more external method of psychology, instead of one thats me me me, its one thats more about you in connection to the universe and more external. I dont know you, this may not be for you at all. Its just my belief that this, in certain individuals, provides groundbreaking solutions. It has for me, if you want I can tell you about the time I fought off a possession. Sure it was likely just a bad intrusive thought, but where traditional advice had failed, a sort of spiritual war gave me some liberation. Was if really a demon? I feel like it just depends, perhaps certain psychological conditions and demons might point to the same thing and are just two different interpretations. Im not trying to get weird or RPy on you, im not actually saying magic and demons with horns are real and you fight them to save the world. Im saying its a very good (if not equally good) conception and a different way to approach internal problems thats often discouraged. thats all I got for now. Remember what I said too, you might find your own way I will never ever discover, and it might be of great help to me and others when you do. just keep pushing on, and dont regret what you might have missed out on. You did your best with the brain you were given no matter what, whatever you are doing is doing your best. People think this advice leads to sitting around doing nothing, and thats not true, that advice wont ever make you happy doing that . It just might help you not give up.

>>13424 also if you want specific examples of any of these things I can give you them. Like an example of a purpose one can have without even knowing they have it, the spirutual thing, specific literature, etc. I just didnt want to give you a bunch of soykaf about my personal experience you didnt ask for.

I fuarrrked up. Last month I found a posting for a job in my town that involves doing pretty much what I do already, except it pays twice what I make now and has benefits. Looked at it, saw that I pretty much met all the qualifications, and applied for it. But despite calling them regularly, I didn't get an actual update until they started doing interviews, after which they tell me that I got rejected for not having enough experience. Turns out on my application I put that I started my current job in 2019 instead of 2016, making it seem like I only had a few months' experience instead of several years. And it was already too late to change that, they had already found someone. And it's not like this kind of job grows on trees around here, either. It'll probably be another year before one comes up again. I hate it. Every single time I try to make one improvement in my life, just one little thing, something ALWAYS shoots me down, without fail. And I'm tired of this theme of "too late" being so fuarrrking prevalent in my life. Even though it's so common, it still physically hurts every time I find out I missed a chance at something.

>>13519 I found that bridges, even when hypothetical, can still make an opportunity in the future. Call them, contact them and tell them honestly the situation and that, if there is no open space there at them moment that you would happily want to work with them in the future and tell them you're sorry for inconvenience and missunderstanding. We are all people and we all make mistakes from time to time. If they're understandable they'll reach out to you if position opens up.

It's like I'm stuck in a cycle of my own creation. When things are going well it takes just one slip up and then I start shooting myself in the foot until I'm back to square one again. Up until the January, everything was looking so promising, I was excelling in education, had just gotten a job, keeping fit and healthy, starting to develop a social life again, etc. Then I started putting pressure on myself to keep raising the bar and doing better. As I failed to find ways to meet these new standards I was imagining, I started losing control over all these things that had been going well and spiralling down again until this moment where I'm sitting here having lost them all. My doctor was treating me for general anxiety & depression but now thinks it's an OCD disorder. It makes sense since this isn't the first time I've followed this pattern and show OCD like qualities. For some reason I need to control everything about myself and keep strictly to things or I feel like I've ruined everything. Maybe the new meds will make a difference but when this has been the only lens through which I've ever seen the world it's hard to imagine it.

>>12787 >>12780 >>12873 Just reading people's stories as I procrastinate. It's refreshing to see people being so honest. It's a strange feeling to be so dissociated and distant from others and then to read a story that connects exactly to your experience. Thanks for writing this out.

Did my first ever job interview today and it went soykaf. I doubt they'll ever call me.

Even after over a month of seeing a therapist I still didn't feel like I was comfortable talking about my problems with him. But I pretty much psychoanalyze myself when I imagine myself discussing my problems or stories with therapists. I actually do that all the time. I've told more about my life to the therapists in my imagination than I have to the ones I'd seen for months. Just like I imagine myself having fun with friends or getting a job or actually using my ideas instead of just fantasizing about the same things over and over again. Just like how right now I'm imagining the conversation where I was telling someone all this. My thoughts are so lucid when I'm by myself. When I'm with other people I just sound like a bumbling idiot, and I hate myself when I am. I hate all the things I say because I don't really mean them, I'm just pretending to because I feel like I have to, and I'm just copying the people I'm with when we're alone, and it's always a failed attempt, and I have a different failed version of myself for every person I've spent much time with, and when I'm in a group the pretending is just too exhausting for me to even try. I never go to talk to anyone myself, they always just come to me, and they actually like it, they like it when I pretend to be them, and I can't escape it, the way I am or my family or the society that forces people to be together to succeed at anything.

I never knew what to do with my life, what I would do to excel. I've always been good with computers, I understand the process, I can troubleshoot myself, I have fun, etc etc. So I'm building a road into the vast world of information technology, it's all pretty vague but whatever slowly but surely I'm sorting it out and finding my niches. But I'm conflicted, I live isolated in desolate rural France, my second large interest is gardening and ecology, anything permaculture is fuarrrking great. So obviously I have a hard time justifying myself, how can I love that which brings death and destruction and also love that which is life? I do my best and buy used tech and I'll try to repair everything. It sounds more dramatic as it is, but I'm legit sad when I listen and notice how there are noticeably less birds and insects now. I'm terrified of the immanent global collapse that IS happening right NOW.

>>13563 That is because the human creature missues nature and technology for its selfish and shortsighted needs. Life and death are two sides of the same coin, so are technology and nature imo, its not that they dont fit together, its more of a problem if things get out of balance. And dont worry too much about the global collapse, things have a way of working out, atleast you are in the countryside and have some means of gardening, the people in the city are mostly the ones who are fuarrrked.

i'm doing a online course to enter college and this soykaf feels like a fuarrrking great prison. i have no irl friends and basically nowhere to go outside my own house. and there are more 7 months of this, at least.

I managed to escape from a toxic environment, cut all ties with everyone, moved to another city, changed careers. I managed to come a long way. I had to learn everything about living on my own, from doing laundry to planning expenses for basic amenities like toilet paper. I had to design my room's layout, as it was mostly empty and I basically escaped with bags full of junk I've collected throughout the years. I even had to redesign myself, as my clothes were usually chosen by someone else; I didn't even know what size of jeans I should wear. I've been a NEET for like 4 months, then finally managed to find a well paying job shortly before going bankrupt (was living on savings). Looking for a job was hell - there was a shortage of job postings for someone with meek experience like mine, there weren't many job postings for the technology I knew in the first place, and even if I did manage to get interviewed I'd fail because of low self-esteem. At some point something broke in me and I just went tryhard, which apparently worked out. All that by myself. Apart from my dear partner there was almost noone to help me. I don't have a family anymore, I don't talk with friends privately either; I use groups for that, if anything. People usually assume I'm doing fine, because I was brought up to be a timid, humble person who puts on a big smile on their face and has a meltdown internally. If anything, it's me who takes their friends to a psychiatrist. The biggest problems I have now are becoming a literal saltmine, lack of identity, not fitting in and no creativity. Since I did everything by myself I get REALLY angry whenever someone uses their depression as a wildcard to talk soykaf to people or receive financial support from anyone. I mean, fuarrrk, I wanted to disappear or never exist in the first place any given day, I wouldn't want to leave my bed, I shat blood out of stress and I still managed to get myself where I'm now. Then I see people who don't have to worry if they'll have somewhere to live and something to eat, they don't have to work (much, if at all), they've got a $2000 gaming PC and can basically voice chat any day, and they *still* sometimes say something like "yeah but my mental health is like kicking dead whales down the beach I've been bullied and had a suicide attempt". Then I get pissed off, but since I don't like showing I'm angry and tellint people why I become passive-aggressive instead. Worst part is that some of these people are my friends and I end up making trouble for them. How great would it be to just be the opposite and scream people in their faces that I, in fact, do have a problem with their ways. I've also always liked helping people, but that's no longer a case sometimes since I don't like these people having it too easy. Then comes the lack of identity. Unlike most people on the chans, I've been a social butterfly (albeit a reserved one). People just liked being around me because I could come up with a good situational joke and soykaf. I still sometimes get invited to some parties because everyone in a given group are invited anyway and people like me coming due to past fame. I can't, however, name myself as "the greatest hacker in the vicinity", or "that dude who's seen like 1000 anime", or "that guy who knows great music", because I don't fit any of these descriptions (or, in fact, any at all), so I appear plain and boring. My creative processes are nil. All I ever got in my head are random thoughts that can't form a complete entity. There are days like this one where I'll just go with the flow and manage to spout out a wall of text, but it's usually venting instead of, let's say, a story for a game, some code or any implementation of an idea I had. My past hobbies stopped being interesting to me as well. Boy, how I loved coding. I'd code even if I had it rough at school or work. Thousands of (unfinished) pet projects. I ate my tooth on learning everything I know alone. Can I just chill off and accept the fact that people have to procrastinate sometimes? Also no, because my ambition's going to drive me into a wall then. I can't even read books well, my attention span's fuarrrked up. The last thing, work. Can't find anything common with the people I have to work with. They hardly make an attempt to include me in the group since they probably sensed I was an outcast, and when I do speak up I get ignored in the worst case. I also switched careers and I don't know if that was a good idea. I've been a fairly competent coder before; given enough time I'd tackle lots of things. In fact, that was what happened at my previous job, where I was supposed to be a junior and ended up doing everything including putting out fires. Managed to quit before I burned out myself. How I see myself now is that I'll be sitting for 8 hours daily with people I don't really like as well (their jokes and memes are really bad) in a technology that doesn't necessarily warrant me a future (administrating classic, non-dockerized applications) unable to develop on my own (wanted to learn Go/Elixir, Kubernetes etc. but no drive for that right now), having no achievements to speak of (serial uni dropout) albeit earning pretty well, coming back home, wasting 2 hours on cooking (even though I like cooking), getting pissed at some people and repeating the cycle again. I wanted to work with some lains, go on so many trips and journeys, take so many photos, play in an ASG team, catch up with voice chats, online games, learn some language maybe and so on, but all that seems so unreal.

>>13567 Yeah, like I said. I sounded a bit more dramatic. Thanks man I just moved in and I planted 2 fruit trees already, I fuarrrking love fruit

i feel too guilty whenever i let myself take a break. im always on productive mode. i dont even let myself watch shows unless im not working at the same time. even if i finish what i need to do for the day and play games, i feel this wave of guilt like im too old to enjoy myself and im too lazy and undeserving of a break. probably doesnt help that im a NEET either, the guilts like 10x worse. just want to take it easy.

>>13595 >i dont even let myself watch shows unless im not working at the same time How are you supposed to watch a show and do something at the same time? I get a lot of negative feelings after I've been productive too. I actually have to watch it because I can get seriously anxious when I stop after a long period of productivity. Just gotta learn to tell yourself you've earned the break I guess.

>>13595 This is my biggest struggle too. Perhaps try budgeting out your time. That's helped me. If I hit my goal of X hours on side projects, then I don't have guilt over downtime.

>>13595 Maybe it's common among ambitious developers; the constant need to improve your capabilities, but at the same time tiredness from overexerting yourself and ultimately indulging in escapist hobbies, then blaming yourself for "not making the next successful startup".

>>13600 Thats it i would guess, i have that a lot too. The problem in my case is i am objectively lazy and unproductive. The gigantic stack of todo keeps increasing.

>>13569 >Since I did everything by myself I get REALLY angry whenever someone uses their depression as a wildcard to talk soykaf to people or receive financial support from anyone. Yeah, I despise this culture of glorifying mental illnesses and parading this "label" around as if it were a trophy of some sort. Worst part is people actually support it and donate a ton of cash to these lowlifes through their gofundme, patreon, etc. etc. Can't tell you how many profiles I've encountered where namely females will post a list of their personality disorders in the description, this is acceptable behavior now. It's vile. But anyway, I'm glad to hear you've come far with hard work alone. Don't let others push you down. I can completely understand where frustrations sprout from though. It's best to ignore them before they end up destroying your own motivation. You've gotta live for yourself and try to become happy over time. It has happened to me. And I've also admittedly been one of those people who gain a lot for little work and then have the audacity to complain. I'm not proud of it at all, and I sometimes shame myself for it. I've come to realize I need to stop being an ungrateful/lazy fuarrrk. Godspeed Anon.

>>13607 Yup. I wouldn't even *think* of asking random people for money (just like have problems with asking people for any help at all). Whenever I see these profiles I get really angry, since I did work my ass off to be where I am now. Just as you said, there's a danger of that destroying the drive to go forward. I hope I can manage to fix it and stop giving a damn, because it'll be another thing where I'd be always going against the flow. I know I'm hateful... then again this behavior's quite literally beggary and most of these people don't give back anything to the society either.

>>13597 you can put a show on one monitor and do your work on the other. it depends on the kind of work you have to do though, because with me i can afford to look away for a couple of seconds just to see whats happening.

i dont have much to say. life after rape is hell reading your vents is very comforting. at least i dont feel so isolated

Something's wrong with me. I've been having migraines for most of my life but lately they've been getting worse and more frequent. I've had 5 or 6 in the last two months and two in the last week. I have mood swings. My appetite is changing. I've been having worsening anxiety episodes, depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, depersonalization, derealization, sleeping more and feeling worse when I get up. I feel sick.

>>13631 chronic migraines and depression are a really bad mix and id seriously reccomend setting up an intake meeting with whoever provides your healthcare. This isnt a good time to be taking the chan advice of "just workout dude". Migraines are bad enough but they can increase depressive symptoms and vice versa. It can be almost impossible for you to tell by yourself if increased depression increases your migraines or the other way around. Being in both physical pain and mental pain will put you at a high risk for suicide. Trust me you dont want to kill yourself and miss out on the chance that your migraines are some muscle contraction in your skull that could be solved with a pill or potentially even massage therapy. In general if I had one thing all of you suffering from suicidal thoughts could learn from it would be to treat it like a cancer. You need to go get it checked out and see if there is a way to safely remove it, and not treat it as something thats just a product of your bad situation and that you have to live with or will never get over.

Cringe culture is killing what little interesting subcultures the internet has left. Though some of their targets are funny to belittle, the endgame of places like KW is turning the internet into a dull, sterile place where nobody ever does anything weird or interesting out of fear of having it tied to their real world life.

The internet is fuarrrking dead and nothing is ever going to replace it. There will never be another thing like it before corporations fuarrrked it all up.

>>13644 Same soykaf with whole technology. EVERYTHING in tech is big soykaf. You are spyed on ECHELON and either USA or China botnent and you can't do anything about it. so much soykaf

Up till now I've been able to rely on finding large groups of like-minded people on the internet. Either computers brought like-minded people together (nature), or something about info tech caused people to reach similar conclusions (nurture). No longer. People raised on phones seem to have an entirely different worldview and culture. Maybe it's the way they install their software from walled gardens. Perhaps the strongly linear way these media consumption terminals present information. Maybe because they never really control their own files. Or simply because phones aren't general purpose computers. Either way these people are NOT bros. They constantly mistake SaaS for the internet itself. I don't want governments to regulate the internet. They don't want governments to regulate Facebook. Except, soykafty adverting companies SHOULD be regulated. They expect twitter to gift them unlimited freedom of speech. I don't expect anything but a kick in the teeth from adverting companies. It's ignorance alone that people are allowing themselves to be dominated by corporations. Letting them control and even create the media environment. This is absolute horse soykaf. Cyberpunk might be alienating but at least the future-shock is caused by actual advances in technology. In our reality technology is being made artificially worse. Pathetic battery powered phones with limited, locked down interfaces. Dumb smart speakers that are about as impressive as voice controlled AOL search engine. And yet people think it's progress because they lack perspective, and don't realize we were already at a higher level of technologically facilitated freedom over a decade ago.

this is a weird one i guess. im drunk right now, im really into being dominated and being told what to do and some other things i dont really want to mention. i found someone on a dating app who was a dominatrix type person. she wasnt super pretty but i didnt care cause she said the right things. i havent met her yet but we exchanged pictures and i sent her videos and we sexted which ive never done before. ive had sex but sort of doing that thing through text and recording myself is a lot less intimate. she has a partner already so im not worried about her wanting me to be that i just dont feel good about it for some reason. like when i read over my texts and watch the videos i feel really ashamed of myself because im actually very insecure and private about sexual stuff and i dont really like talking about it. In like just an hour we played out fetishes id never tell anyone about except some of my closest friends from way back. and they are friends im distant from now and thats the only reason i feel okay to tell them. Im not worried about her spreading it around or something, she was very guiding and always asking what i was okay with and not. the first time i got into and experienced this sort of thing it was forced on me and so i just dont know how to feel about it. it was like weird to talk to people after because i felt so unclean, this time that is not the time i was forced to do this stuff. its especially because shes not someone im proud of being attracted to i guess its all sexual but there is some intimate attraction just because she had me call her things and say things ive always wanted to but didnt think anyone would be okay with. Im an addict but drinking isnt my vice, but still i know the behaviours and i know i got drunk for a reason. she made me feel good about my body which i can be insecure about but i wouldnt want anyone to know im doing this stuff with her or ever meet her or know. im thinking about telling my other friend who if we didnt have clashing personalities is someone i deeply respect and would gladly have do all this same stuff to me and id feel good about it. she also has done a lot of sexual things she regretted but she can also be kind of cold and has a hard time helping people or being understanding. im worried she might think im making a problem out of nothing and i dont know if i am. i enjoyed it and she said we could meet up soon, i dont even know if i could say all the things i said in real life but i told her that and she said she would warm me up to it. I guess I dont know how to deal with sexually related guilt. Actually one of my biggest things im ashamed of is that id take meth and hurt myself and masturbate for hours and do all sorts of things and id cry after that i did those things to myself, and if it was still in my system id get turned on by the fact that i was crying and start all over again till it finally wore off. I feel better then that i guess because it involved another person and we were both sober and i didnt hurt myself at all. I dont know, i dont like to admit it but i have so much insecurity and guilt related to sex and sexuality. i dont know why i wasnt raised in a religious household, my only guess is that my mom had a lot of sexual abuse and so maybe i internalized her aversion. im going to see a different friend tommorow, not the one i mentioned earlier, and i really really love her but i dont think shed ever do these things this random online girl did or be okay with everything we said. I just wish I guess i had someone i loved and trusted and felt good about being attracted to that i could experiment sexually with, but i have such low self worth this is the only way it seems like.

>>13669 sorry I guess im just wondering if i should talk to that first friend about it. the worst that could happen is she gets irritated with me and finds stuff out about me im really scared to tell people about (which again at worst shed think is weird). the thing im afraid of happening is her convincing me to not keep talking to this person. and the best thing is that she would have very reassuring words of wisdom that would let me continue with this but in a way i feel more comfortable with.

I had a debhilitating depression and a non debhilitating anxiety. i solved the depression through ongoing therapy and medication. the anxiety is my problem though, its not a chemical imbalance its a natural unresolved anxiety related to past experiences or negative thoughts. and im no devestated but also humbled to say that the price of my anxiety far outweighed the anxiety, to the point where I can see how insignificant my anxiety really was. Because of the depression it was always a debate, is this something I just need to "get over" or do I need help. The anxiety was the former. There was a girl ive known her for 3 years and in those 3 years I talked to her sparingly till now. I loved her and enjoyed her company more than any other person and yet I rarely sat with her because I was anxious. By love I dont know if I mean romantic love, but I loved everything about her even her anger. I dont love her anger now, that was shortsighted of me, she doesnt love her anger either. But I thought she was beautiful and loved her contributions, I loved what she talked about and how she talked about it. In just moments we could break through my anxiety and possibly hers and launch into a super heated passionate discussion, only for at its ending to go quiet and continue not looking at eachother. I cant say if she was as anxious as me but that is irrelevant, because if I loved her so much I should have showed it and engaged with her. Whether I loved her romantically or not seems irrelevant too now, because I wont be missing warm fuzzy feelings il be missing someone who really gets me and thinks like I do, better than I do too but in the same way. I feel like ive talked about this before, but I couldnt even say as I often type stuff out and delete it, regardless I dont think ive approached it with this sense of me fuarrrking up and i guess maturity before, il give myself credit where credit is due. She will be gone from my life in three weeks because she will be going back to her home country. I wanted to cry when I heard that but it would have been innapropriate, thats not anxiety thats me realizing I never showed my feelings towards her so to cry was cheap. When I think about this loss from my life, and I compare it to the anxiety I felt, as I said before the anxiety was so insignificant. I feared she wouldnt like me, or she would think of me less because someone told me she had a very high opinion of me. Like who cares, she clearly wouldnt have hated me, her liking me a bit less would have been well worth the moments and conversations and lessons to be had. Had she hated me it would have been worth it, as I would find out what she hated me for and see if it was something I need to work on myself. This happened once, she didnt hate me after not by far but she gave me a very stern lecture and I grew immensely from it. The anxiety too was a sense of unworthiness, but if I am so unworthy and lesser who am I to go against her decision that I am in fact of worth. And was the comfort gained from me confirming my pitiful imagined place in the world worth what was lost? Again no. This was a person that comes into your life maybe 5 times in your life. Heres to me learning and not making this mistake again for those to come. This isnt just a real loss but a symbolic I guess loss that il have to deal with in other ways. There will be damage to my psyche that could have been avoided, because in my head she is a manifestation of things I believe in and value, with her gone those things may crumble. This also is a cause of the anxiety, by keeping her at a distance I never had to risk losing this idol you could say of the image of her. I suppose as fuarrrked up as it is I treated her like a statue I could go pray to and commune with the gods and be forgiven and be pure. Only time will tell how much I had been leaning on this for mental stability. And that sort of damage (which I set myself up for) takes time to heal and reorganize, and that brings me to another comparison. Were the lessons learned here worth the damage to come? Worth the time that will be spent in depressive states while I restructure myself? Still no, as these lessons could have been learned if I simply listened to the people telling me to talk to her, and more than a couple were. My best friend told me this would happen, my therapist did, and even some of her friends who knew and yet I didnt believe when they told me she was fond of me. The biggest lesson of all that is one I constantly am taught yet never internalize is the lesson that sometimes you should act on advice even if you dont fully understand it, if you do on a rational level, if it makes sense, thats enough. I dont need to wait for it to click in some kind of pavlovian way where I understand the pain and reward of the situation. In these last few weeks I aim to spend as much time with her as possible and express my regret that I was held back from talking to her and the reasons why. In my mind its like spending time with a dying loved one, but of course she isnt dying if anything moving onto bigger and better things. Still I feel obligated to give her as much love (in a platonic way) and comfort as possible so she knows that she was loved and missed more than she knew, and by those she did not know did. My attempts at this in the past have been stupid, my way of showing affection is cold and involves trying to make myself useful and at its most self destructive be used. She always would respectfully decline when id propose putting myself through harm for her sake, it was never in any big way she would think was crazy. I assumed this conveyed the message I cared but it probably didnt. For all she knows thats just how I am, or perhaps my aim was to get something in return. Theres no love in that kind of display and I see that now. Writing this has calmed me down, I feel as if ive made a big mistake but that is all. Il be happy to cry when she finally leaves as I know il learn much from the sadness, it wont be a depressive lonely sadness, it will just be sadness. Im happy that I got to experience even what I did of her, as its touched me in great ways. Im determined to experience as much as I can, as I have no excuses to hide behind now. It is clear as day that I have too much to gain for worries about looking like a loser, of being too forward, of making a fool out of myself, of being rejected, all of these are insignificant to just one day spent with her as I did today in which finally the anxiety was lifted and we talked much more. I hate being selfish and dramatic, but I dont think I was except maybe in my expression of how much I love her which I cant help. Imagine the most beautiful person or thing even, something that doesnt exist except in your mind and is perfect. And imagine they or it were near you now in real life, perhaps not perfect but just short of it. youd want to share that with the world even though you cant and not everyone would find it or them beautiful. I also hope that I demonstrated for others how if you do not have debhilitating anxiety, if you can talk to people without anxiety but perhaps cant with large groups or certain individuals, how worth it it is to pursue connections you are interested in in spite of it. To be with them and be anxious those first weeks or even months till you are comfortable. The price of the ticket is a small one even if it looks big. Anxiety distracts, pulls you out of the moment, feels bad. But speaking with someone you love or admire and not being able to focus or be 100% is better than not speaking to them. Its a reward thats hard to explain because you will be more comfortable not doing so of course, but in the long run you will suffer more than you could conceive. But not to be extreme or gloomy either, you will conceive it eventually as will I and we will survive if we already have failed.

I wanna become someone with admirable traits for myself only. It's lonely having no friends.

>>13685 I wanted to be as reasonable and calm about it as I presented but ive given in and cant stop crying. i havent cried in so long and I feel so stupid about crying about this but I cant stop thinking about all the possibilities of what could have been. its like im looking into a different timeline where I made friends with her, potentially more. I can see absolutely everything I missed, if I could believe it trust me id convince myself im being optimistic and that really nothing would have happened. I even used that reasoning to not talk to her, I pretended nothing would come of it. I just know thats not true though, we could have been so close. im gonna be okay and I know everything I said is correct I just want these visions to stop, I dont want to see what i missed its too late now. this is just the beginning too. I have not cried in I think 4 months and ive been through way worse than this in just that past 4 months. I dont believe in love at first site, I dont believe in hidden magical connections and i hate that and i think its silly and stupid and i laugh at people who think that stuff. but i dont know what to say because I cant say I know her that well actually, there was even a time a friend basically set us up to talk about how we felt about eachother and all we did was talk about the feelings but distant from ourselves, its always like this. we have the best best discussions ever but we can never talk about eachother or how we feel, at least i cant maybe im projecting. so if i dont know her that well i just think its so stupid this is making me so upset and im upset that I feel like I know her more than I do. This shouldnt be an issue at all, this is such a dumb petty problem. this isnt some movie where she is the missing love of my life, and i think i know thats not how it is but i still cant deny that if its taken this long to meet someone i felt such a connection to like her I can expect it to take an equal amount of time to find another. its not even that i am super connected to her. im lucky enough you could say to have a friend and to have had a friend before her that i feel very connected to. but thats because we made it work, that connection took a lot of time. it wasnt this instant "wow this person gets me". no in fact my best friends disnt get me at all it took years for them to get me. and for me to get them im not special. im not a "fuarrrk love" person either. i just know its not the most important thing and i know the idea of a "soulmate" is a myth and so i just dont know what the fuarrrk im mourning or why i can so vividly see what could have been.

The few people I speak to are speaking to me less and less, I'm going to be a NEET after graduating in a month, and I feel like killing myself.

I'm too weird for girls. I've got the looks and the brains and the not-the-asshole-ness but I can also barely hold a conversation, and I'm too weird to find any common ground with them. I'm just a quiet space cadet. I like being weird. I'm not going to stop. But I need to find a weird girl if I want to be with her, and so far, I've only met basic bitches who there is mutually no interest with. Only person I actually liked who I've met in the past few years was a missed connection pretty much. Then again I've only been single for about a year. I can wait. I don't want to, but I can.

>>13697 you've probably already written any girl you could find common ground with off as a basic bitch. there is weird people everywhere but like you are hiding it or wont show you it on first impression because they have learned only a few people will get them on that level. thats being optimistic, to be unoptimistic id say your definition of weird is maybe based on superficial things like what kind of media they consume and enjoy or if they use social media or whatever. alternatively you live in a suburb or something which although one of the above might still be true does decrease your chances. you might want to start by not defining people as this imaginary "basic bitch" and actually figure out what concrete things contribute to this magical archetype that you dont like. and genuinely please, "they cant have an intelligent conversation" isnt genuine, "they dont like deeply analyzing things for fun" is genuine.

>>13697 >I'm too weird for girls >I've got the looks and the brains >I've only met basic bitches >I've been single for about a year This post makes you sound quite narcissistic. The fact that you have been in a relationship a year ago while also claiming you're "too weird for girls" and everyone you've met is a "basic bitch" is just ridiculous. Your obsession with finding a girl in the first place is questionable, why do you have a problem with being by yourself? MFW I read this post as a virgin who's never been in a relationship. I've always been popular with girls, it's just that in my teenage years I was extremely insecure and after overcoming that for the most part, my lifestyle has been anti-social so I don't meet new people. What's the big deal anyway? I'm not even in my mid 20s yet and honestly I'd rather die alone as a virgin than force myself into a soykafty, mediocre relationship just because I'm unable to be alone with myself. Of course it would be optimal to find "the one" but I don't think that stuff can be forced. Just follow your heart and all that jazz.

>>13701 >Of course it would be optimal to find "the one" but I don't think that stuff can be forced. Just follow your heart and all that jazz. This is very gender specific. Only females can fall into relationships through fate and zero effort. If you're male then you need to make it happen or it won't happen.

>>13702 That isn't true at all. Females have to put in effort too or else whatever person they're pursuing isn't going to care. The grass isn't greener on the other side.

>>13703 >That isn't true at all. Females have to put in effort too or else whatever person they're pursuing isn't going to care. The point is women don't *have* to peruse a partner. Just being a female and waiting for a decent guy to hit on you is a very valid and common approach. It doesn't work in reverse though. If you're a man and just "waiting for it happen" then that's going to be a long wait.

>>13702 I understand what you mean, it is pretty much universal regardless of culture (and time) that a man is the one who initiates. I personally think it has it's roots in biological differences/evolution, women have to be very careful with their partners because they can get pregnant. They have to take into account so many things and simply having sex could (especially in more primitive conditions) lead to a lot of suffering and even death. This has changed only very recently in developed countries because of birth control, but something that has its roots so deeply in our evolution doesn't change over night if at all. I'm sure this isn't a very popular view in modern times when all these differences are simply reduced to "social constructs" that can be changed if we just stop believing in them, but whatever. I think everyone should make their own conclusions and discover what makes sense to them the most. For men it has been the opposite for the most part, when it comes to procreation lack of sex is the main threat. There is competition, if you just lay around you're doomed. In my opinion it is futile to fight against this or feel bad about it. A misogyny thinks "Women just lie around doing nothing and get everything brought to them!", while a misandry thinks "Men just get to do whatever they want and get anything they want!". It's similar to the question whether a glass is half full or half empty, simply a matter of perception. Reality is much more complex. In the end there are always people who have it easy, I don't think it can be measured. A woman can just lay around and get what she wants, a man can just use brute force and get whatever he wants. Neither approach uses much brain power so I'd say both are equally easy. To get to my point, when I said "I don't think that stuff can be forced", I didn't mean that you shouldn't take initiative. I meant that you should do whatever feels like the right thing to do and not go against your own heart, so to speak. In my opinion if you are a man, you probably should make it happen, but don't do it because you're afraid of being alone or you desperately need someone.

>>13705 >A misogyny thinks "Women just lie around doing nothing and get everything brought to them!", while a misandry thinks "Men just get to do whatever they want and get anything they want!". It's not to say that women have it easier just that they're playing a different game with completely different rules.

>>13707 Yeah, I didn't mean to accuse anyone here for saying that. Those views just seem so common that I felt like mentioning it, people often interpret differences as inequality when reality is much more complex.

>>13699 to be honest I was feeling pretty bad at the time I wrote that, of course there are many non-basic-ass girls out there and I've met many of them. Some basic girls are also really sweet, or have hidden depths or both. And there are a lot of girls who share my interests. I kind of regret that post now, it doesn't describe my feelings at all. Probably my only problem with girls is that they make me extremely nervous most of the time and I am not very good at things like eye contact or talking in turn. My past relationships have been very rough for this reason. >>13701 >why do you have a problem with being by yourself? I'm quite happy being alone, but I'd be happier with a woman's touch. It's pretty much the only thing I'm missing right now.

>>13692 Please don't. I were in your shoes after dropping out of the university, then actually ended up being a NEET, too. It's painful, but if there's at least one person who's willing to help, take their hand and accept it. For instance, I'm kinda better off now, even if the job hunt was hell and I almost wound up homeless. I can now afford a psychologist, too. >>13697 Same here, lain. Most of sheltered anime fans I met "wouldn't say I liked anime at all", because I look decent, can cook and take care of my face from time to time. Any time I wasn't in a relationship I'd get really anxious and toxic, because where was a shortage of free like-minded women who'd actually enjoy something (OTOH I met an endless supply of women disinterested in anything that isn't the new season of GoT or the like). Don't stop being yourself. It's the worst thing you can do. I never get women who tell their partners to discard their *insert beloved thing here* collection. Finding common ground with people shouldn't be that hard; there *are* some basic interests, after all. Then again, once the topic's exhausted, there's not much more. >>13699 >>13701 I agree that writing all women as "basic bitches" will probably end up being harmful, but it's sometimes hard to find a genuinely interested woman that's not taken already. OTOH they will come around at some point in your life; use that time to invest in yourself. >>13710 Good luck, lainon. (Seems I started replying when everything has already been said; my bad).

>>13710 Thats fair. I was actually just being extra careful in case that was the case in an effort to help you. I write people off as "basic" too sometimes, I just wanted to make sure you understood the full implications that and it seems you do. I dont get nervous around girls but I do also get nervous around girls I like. Its very very normal, if you get nervous around all girls thats less normal but still sort of common. But you may just be at a point where you dont know what you like so every girl youd want to talk to seems like a possibility. However everyone gets nervous around people they are interested in, my friend who is like a serial dater and one of the most confident people I know still gets nervous. She told me she just pursues it anyways. However she also deals with nervousness by projecting it onto the other person, which for many guys such as myself puts us in the state of nervousness and then its easier for her to talk. I dont reccomend that because its semi soykafty, but just know its fine to be nervous and at least many people will not judge you too hard for it as long as you can push on through it.

>>13736 I'm mostly nervous around girls who I just met, so I don't know if I like them or not. I have a very eccentric personality and I worry that it will scare them off if I let myself act too weird.

>>13744 we are nervous because we risk losing something often. it could just be a potential friendship though. this doesnt help really but there is nothing to lose if there isnt anything yet, and there wont ever be if your nervousness holds you back. im similar to you a bit, I dont worry about my eccentricity anymore but i often feel like when they get to know me they wont think im a good person anymore. the only thing thats helped is that people have gone from my life forever that I really wanted to know and im slowly realizing the hard way how many great people and opportunities im missing and that discomfort/pain dwarfs my anxiety.

I wanted to make a thread about Mark Manson's Models but I can't post it because it's "adult content" I even wrote a long ass OP :(

>>13810 In future please complain about not being able to post threads in /q/. Yes you tripped one of the subject filters, probably because you used Model in the subject of your post. If you want you can try remaking the post without that keyword in the subject.

>>13811 Thanks appleman, and sorry I'll remake it

I'M SO fuarrrkING LONELY I HAVE NO FRIENDS I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO

>>13877 <3

i feel like nothing like im just meat. i feel like i have a soul thats good like everyone elses and it knows this body is so worthless and this mind is so stupid its only good for being used by other people and thats exactly what i do with myself. i cut myself like a butcher, i put some of the worst drugs in me, and i let girls i dont even find super attractive do whatever they want to me and im almost ready to let men do that as well even though i hate men so much. as long as they dont kiss me i dont care. i remember the first girl that did that stuff to me and i didnt even know why or what she got out of it but i felt so good about it and yet i cried like everyday about her doing it to the point she even felt guilty and stopped. and sometimes i know that was wrong what she did but right now i just feel like i was wrong for crying and making it emotional and i should have let her hurt me and use me with no strings attatched and without showing any sign of it hurting because at least she was beautiful and strong unlike the people now. I had a dream I finally had a girlfriend i loved and who was nice to me and she came and stole her away from me and gave me the soykaftiest apology ever and thats why i feel like this right now i think. i dont want to kill myself because im sad anymore or depressed anymore i want to kill myself before i can degrade myself further so i can still die and be a good memory for some people.

>>13884 What have girls done to you?

>>13886 i had a friiend who would hurt me and touch me and make me undress and stuff just to make fun of me, shed act really lovey with me and then when i reciporocatrd shed make fun of me for believing she actually loved me or found me attractive. another one just told me i was a lost cause basicslly that no one would ever know how to help me. she said i could tell her anything and then said it was wrong of me to tell her stuff and i was placing unnecessary burden on her. other girls its just online stuff where i dont find them that atractive but i send them pictures and videos of whatever they want i guess just as a form of self harm or something. i dont blame any of these people, maybe the first. the second girl just was as immature as me and didnt know how to handle what was happening, i obviously didnt either. the bottom ones are my fault i dont have to send them anything, obviously some part of me wants to. with the first girl i feel like she must have gone through something much worse than me to end up like that so i dont know. its nobodies fault I guess but mine for not changing stuff, i could even make the case its not my fault but thats unhelpful. i m off my medication cause my prescription ran out and i didnt call for a refill in advance because i thought it would be "good" to see what its like off of it again.thats probably really all thats wrong, it doesnt feel like it though. i feel really bad like heavy and i can just cut myself like its nothing the only good thing i can say is i feel sad because sometimes i have this awful feeling but im not even sad. I hate that my own body is like an enemy to me. if i dont do certain things i could die because it just decides to kill itself. I know people are gonna say "no its your choice" and it is but not really like that. its my choice whether to put myself in a situation where im gonna kill or hurt myself but its not my choice really to do it or not. Its like choosing to go in a cage with a tiger, I make the choice to enter that cage but once im in there its really just a mindless battle.

>>12695 i hate my waggie job at the crapple store and every time i talk to a customer i literally want to strangle them>>12695

Met a cute girl and had to do some stuff with her over 2 days. I got over my fears and asked for her number on the last day but got rejected because she has a bf. I'm fine with that and I'll get over it in some days. But I hate the struggle until then.

It's feels like I'm too lazy to learn any of the knowledge and skills i want to l learn.

>>13892 (Me)

Something in me feels a bit guilty in that I work hard and eat right and detox. Then get a mad desire to let loose and spend all my money on drink and drugs. I dont remember much from going out on the weekend. I woke up and found all my clothes drenched with sweat from walking home late and rolling on some mdma I was given. I had put an electric fan next to my bed as I think I was getting chills. I dont remember passing out naked. Not great I had a good time from what I remember but Im still in bed recouperating. Instead of any of this Id rather have a comfy time at home with a gf. I txt'd the girl I like again when drunk, she doesnt reply anymore. We both know it cant be.

I could never get along with others. Found a girl who understood me once. Didn't last long. I still think of her, her body is ineradicable from my mind. This is a first for me. I suppose we're made this way for evolutionary reasons. Fleeting joys beget prolonged pains.

>Come from a poor family >Get accepted to prestigious uni (by my family's standards), but turn them down because I wouldn't get any financial aid and everyone tells me community college will save you money >Do very well, straight As (not that this means anything in community college) >Forced to take a Java class >Professor is from Uzbekistan >He doesn't speak much English >His assignments and tests don't make sense >He doesn't explain his reasoning behind grades (which are very harsh) >Most of the class drops out, class of 40 ends as a class of 5 >Grade will probably be a C (C+ if I'm lucky) I am so fuarrrking done with this place. I was hoping I would be able to get a GPA good enough to move up in the world, but that's over now I feel like I should've smashed my head against the wall more to try and figure out how to win, but no, I just gave up and fuarrrked over my future for good

>>13955 Life always finds a way to fuarrrk you, that's true...you still did infinitely better than a lot of people. I barely passed HS for fuarrrks sake.

>>13955 one C won't ruin your GPA, and a mediocre GPA won't ruin your life. Pick yourself back up. I completely tanked a core CS class and I'm still graduating from a fancy-ish uni with a CS degree.

Im not feeling so well. Might it be loneliness, I don't know. I feel dissociated as if I had been abused, yet nothing has happened to me. I live alone in abig house, have no one to talk to and I'm not earning too much money. I feel as if something weird is happening, I feel sad, happy, and anxious. I can't sleep. [spoiler][/spoiler]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9yQhJ02Zbc I have to go court later this month, they want me to pay council tax but I cant since an executive member of the council could have killed me in a crash last year and I have had lots of expenses and cant work like before since then. Im thinking if there's ever a good reason I cant pay its this but still...I owed money by this fool and now they want me to contribute to his wages, fuarrrk that!

Feel like soykaf. Don't know why. I used to feel like this all the time. Isolated, bored, tired, dull. Going through the motions of life. Retreating to the internet. Literally the only thing that makes me feel good is walking through the forest. I saw a baby deer today, and a girl was walking in the other direction and we both smiled at each other and looked at the deer. It's the best I've felt in weeks. I made a friend recently, a transfer student from Japan. Let's call him K. We're similar people but he is much smarter and less strange than me. I like hanging out with him but neither of us are good at talking. We are going to live together in student housing next year so it will be good to have a real good friend around me. My current housemate is going through much worse depression than I am. I want to make him feel better but I don't know how. My other housemate is slowly becoming an incel. Everyone seems depressed to various degrees. Except K, he just seems bewildered. Good to have someone whose not sad around. I have difficulty with people. Some people get used to me, some people think I'm funny, most people seem unnerved by me. I wish I didn't make them unnerved. I wish I could turn on the funny-kinda-weird me instead of the don't-talk-to-me me. I had a friend who saw my difficulty and helped me, she moved far away though and she's not coming back until next fall. I want to move far away. Reinvent myself again, but keep all my old buddies who have always stuck with me. Need to wait a few years for that though.

The longer I live on my own the more I come to miss and appreciate my parents and family. I moved out when I was 17. Each year I discover a dozen things my parents helped teach me or ways they guided me from harmful paths when I was growing up, or think of something I miss about being home. I barely get to see them anymore because of work - in the next 12 months I get a single 15 day period to go home. It hurts whenever I think of a time when, as a child, or as a young man, I was ungrateful for what they gave me or acted contrary to their instructions for some childish reason. If it weren't for my family I likely would have killed myself some time ago.

>>13971 It's normal for young people not to fully appreciate their parents, and the way you miss them now is a sign of maturity. My mother died very young and my father focused on being a provider after that and sort of forgot to do all the other parts of parenting so in terms of ethics, basic life skills and mental and emotional survival, we were more or less on our own. A lot of what kids are supposed to pick up from their elders just wasn't there for us and I didn't really become friends with my father until I was an adult. He's gone now too. I drifted away from my family as a young person not out of spite or rebellion but just because I wanted to live and see the world for myself. We are a lot closer now, those of us who are still around this area.

>>13960 remember the reason you carry on. Soon you will reap what you sow. Plant good thoughts in your mind garden HOMEY. Peace <3

>>13692 CALM THE HECK DOWN BUD ITS ALL GOING TO BE ALRIGHT save money, self care, and build momentum for your upcoming future.] ilove you bud <3

I tried to use NVC to heal my relationship with my girlfriend and now she's calling me names like asshole and drama queen and blocking me from texting her. She's also banished me from participating in the restoration of public access to one of the army firing ranges and removal of unexploded ordinance from said range. I am mostly motivated by a desire for sex, approval and appreciation. That is what I was full of every time I interacted with her and that is what she picked up on. I was more concerned about what she thought of me than I was about her needs.

I abandoned the majority of my family because of intense abuse. My sister died of suicide aftee 2 decades of abuse. It was necessary. Now, years after the initial dust cloud was released, I still feel like im picking up the pieces. I feel disconnected by everyone. Everyone feels like a ghost. My memories are so confused and muddled, my life feels like vaporwave. Lost aND confused. The only thing that gives me any direction is art, but it's enough to fuel my spirit enough to avoid suicide. My career wants to take that away from me by squeezing my creative energies into useless work that will be automated in 30 years. So it's a struggle to keep my creativity alive when everything else tries to suppress and silence it. I don't hate my parents but I feel a lot of anger towards them, but at the end of the day they were just a part of me discovering who I am. What drives me is my ability to express my emotions, and my ability to express myself thru art. It pains me to think what would happen if I let that die, it's the only magic I have left. Thanks for reading.

>>14031 what is NVC?

Suicide gets more tempting every day. I pushed away the only friends I had. I'm a burden on my family and those around me. I feel immense guilt because I continue to sin and to burden others with my failures as I continue living. I never deserved to be born. Some other, better person could have inhabited this body and this life and done something good with it instead of waste everything pointlessly and fall into addiction again and again. I'm sorely tempted to tie my bedsheets into a loop, throw it over the door of my closet, and hang myself. I'll lock my bedroom door so nobody can see my soykafty loser body. Oddly enough I sometimes feel a closeness with Christ when I'm at a low point, as if He's putting a hand on my shoulder and telling me that He knows how it feels. Really, that's all that prevents me from just acting on my plan here and now.

>>14040 >[...]He's putting a hand on my shoulder and telling me that He knows how it feels. You reminded me of one of my favorite paintings. It depicts Christ's temptation in the wilderness. The "major thrust" of the painting may not be immediately obvious, but pay special attention to the rock in the foreground and to where his eyes point. He seems to be very hungry indeed. I hope you like it, Lain. >I never deserved to be born. I used to think this way, but I found that life opened up a bit when I stopped viewing it through the lens of "deserves." What we "deserve" is perhaps not as important as what we have. What others "deserve" is perhaps not as important as what they get from us. I wonder sometimes whether "deserves" even has meaning in reality or if it's just a cognitive artifact. While this assessment may be insufficiently eschatological, it seems meaningful that the record of reality only retains what we have done rather than what we have deserved. "Deserves" seems to me now to be a sort of confusing, misleading abstraction. Christians frequently seem to struggle with the idea of God's mercy, but it makes more sense when you abandon "deserves." Without it, God gives mercy because He wants to give us good things, and that's quite literally all there is to it. That's just what He's chosen. And now you find yourself alive just because He wanted you to be alive. Maybe that's all blasphemous or just ill-informed, but that's how I think of it. To sum up, I'll quote William Munny in Unforgiven: "Deserve's got nothin' to do with it." More generally, I'll give you the same advice I give to pretty much every suicidal lainon I respond to: read the novel Steppenwolf. It deals extensively with suicidal ideation and gave me a useful new perspective on the topic. I also think the protagonist could have been a lainon if he'd been alive in our time period, etc.

>>14037 NVC is Non-violent communication. I watched some workshops and read NVC: a Language for Life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TONauJGfc Marshall would play with sock puppets and tell stories about how he could persuade israelis and palestinians to love each other in less than 30 minutes. I forgot that Marshall is a 66 year old man with a PhD in psychology, and I am a 20-something who's only had a few girlfriends. I still have some developing to do.

Off topic, but I thought the similarity was interesting. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hand_axe

>>14040 I have severe digestion issues and have to eat an expensive ass vegan diet but at least I'm not a little bitch. Stop being a goddamn addict, buy running shoes and literally run for 5-10 minutes at least daily. It will grow overtime into a beautiful flower, also supplement with a healthy diet. If you learn to cook broccoli will be a goddamn 10/10 meal.

>>14044 I'll try this giraffe gratitude: your posting that video acted as a stimulus for me to feel enlightened and energized because my needs for interesting content and for new, potentially effective ways of conceptualizing interaction were met. I do wonder how Dr. Rosenberg dealt with extreme cases like prison rapists and psychopaths, so please point me to any resources on that topic that you are aware of. How did this backfire on you so badly? It seems like a wonderful paradigm, so I'm confused by the reaction you say you got from her.

Things are getting out of control. I start distrusting my friends and my friends i think me, theyre nice people, but somehow i get odd vibes and i think we get collectively more insane by the day. The things that went on today were crazy and it seems one of them got pissed at me for trying to pet a black cat which ended up running over the street. My insecurities and paranoia feed up on them making drunk jokes, i know theyre good guys, but somehow i cant shake that feeling they want to get rid of me. I know i need to keep my distance, but i have a hard time, partially cuz we always smoke weed. Its a group of social misfits, yet i feel like i am on a total other level, for good or bad. Im lazier than ever, motivation is almost zero, even though ambition is still too strong, hence disapointment. Even though i know time is running out i cant help it but do nothing, today i stared at the screen for idk how long, just stared i mean. There is so much i should do and could, yet somehow every more by the day i feel like im trapped in my own dream. I could achive so much, yet i dont think any physical achivement would mean anything to me. I must be legit schizo by now, but i pretty much live by what cyberia thought me, so im not the only one. I know i am insane, but right, yet the trurth is so vastly overwhelming, that it cannot seem right. Some of my friends know what i talk about, yet they are so far behind me and i dont see it as possible to tell them the truth, they must see for themselfs. Big things are going on in this world and people are feeling it, but yet most of them remain blind to the obvious truth. I know there are people like us out there who know the truth, yet i have never known one such individual who i can truly trust to understand things the way i do. I need to find someone who can understand and who i can really trust to go trough this with me on the same level. The thing that is going on in this world is so great most people cannot imagine and i know i play some special role in all this, sometimes i can feel the veil of reality, yet i can never grab the courage to see behind it. I know i miss some important piece of the puzzle, but what could it be. There is a grand reason for all things that happen, we have a specil role in this. Hope we all do well until that one day where the answers to all our questions will be given to us.

I don't really know what I want out of life. The future is confusing. And I feel like I'm running out youth.

I can't trust people anymore After constant teasing about my physical appearance I can't be friends with anyone If anyone does anything I find remotely auspicious or mean I instantly decide that they are not a friend I isolate myself from my classmates now, I choose not to have friends as it is not worth the mental hassle I generalise, and maybe for good reason, people are cruel.

>>14086 I'm going to skip over most of the content of your post because, frankly, it seems typical of well-understood patterns of thought that I believe, on balance, to be inconsistent with "reality," but checking the general themes of the post and the color palette of the picture you used (nice picture, by the way) makes me ask this question: have you seen the film Donnie Darko? I think you'd like it. >Hope we all do well until that one day where the answers to all our questions will be given to us. I appreciate this specific form of well-wishing, Lain. It makes me feel...[connected] , to you and to the rest of us. We are all seekers, even if I don't understand the [layer] that you inhabit.

>>14086 I can sympathize, lain the weed makes it worse. Turns paranoia up to 11. I can usually handle it, but that short period between when I get high, and when I remember "oh yeah, things feel weird because I'm really high" can be terrifying and disorienting. I make myself calm. It is worse to isolate than it is to hang around people who don't really like you. At least if you hang around people, you might eventually meet people who you can actually connect with. I also find it hard to find people who I can trust to not judge me for some schizo when I talk about certain things. My beliefs aren't really that "out there". They're just not handed down from a specific authority so people treat them with suspicion. It is really not that big of a deal to me if people don't understand, or if I am hard to talk to or find common ground with for people with clashing personalities. I have always figured that one day I will find "my people" and "my place", and until then I will try to be satisfied with being as nice as possible to the people around me. Of course this will not happen if I never do anything. I am glad that I am blessed with motivation; if I weren't I would be very sad. Don't be too sad though lain. Your dream is a good dream, it must be if you are wishing us all well. I have no doubt that you will figure it out. <3

Since the end of the semester, the entire future for me has been just like a big question mark. I don't know if I can continue with my program or if I can transfer somewhere else. More and more, I feel like I should just go ahead and get a degree in journalism instead. It seems like something that I really would enjoy but the prospect of moving from STEM to the humanities genuinely scares me for a few reasons, such as lack of job opportunities and the social stigma attached to not getting a "real" degree. But more than that, I'm afraid that if I choose an arts degree over STEM, then I'm admitting failure. I failed because I wasn't good enough to keep up with the work, not good enough to understand the math. I'm admitting that I would rather coast to getting an "easy" degree (of course I don't really know how easy or hard a journalism degree is) instead of disciplining myself to work towards what I really wanted. I'm honestly a little disgusted with myself that I couldn't make things work even after two years of trying. I don't know what the best course of action is, or even if there's any choice I can make at this point.

I'm going to have to make a lot of big choices soon. I don't think I'm ready for any of them.

Getting out of this town in less than a month. As unhappy as my circumstances here have made me, and how thankful I am for having a way out, I still worry that I'll leave and things will change and all, but I'll still feel the same as I always have. Girlfriend is all shook up about me leaving for boot camp, and I'm not sure how to console her. Never been one for that. I feel exactly how she does, but I don't want to make her worry anymore. Not even sure what to tell myself anyway. Never been more excited regardless, but I'm freaking out a little bit. Mentioned that to my friend who's shipping the same day as me, but we both just laugh about it. Can't help being a bit of a bitch when such a big and foreign event in your life is coming up so soon.

everytime I come around every few weeks to post on this board my brain memes itself by playing "Sound of Silence".

>>14095 >>14096 I feel the same anxiety. What the hell will I do after getting a degree? Real life doesn't consist of merely approving tests, there are many others factors involved like for example personality and social connections, factors that I totally forgot during my universitary life. I screwed up everything and now I have to face reality alone and disarmed.

A vague melancholy about the mere fact of time passing.... I'm to verge of tears when I remember that years ago I was in front this same screen playing world of warcraft or watching some anime. It's not like that I regret it or I feel like a loser, I sincerely miss these bygone times though I'm practically doing the same now. It's hard to explain.

>probably going to graduate with a first class degree in two months >completely unemployable because of horrendous grades from before university I've been duped, haven't I? I could apply for a master's at some very good universities at this point, but I don't know how useful that would be. I was rejected by one last year going off (quite weak) first and second year grades.

>>14110 do they really care about your grades from first two years if you got first?

>>14110 >completely unemployable because of horrendous grades from before university What is your basis for thinking this? Have you even tried to apply anywhere yet?

>>14110 >horrendous grades What is your definition of horrendous? As long as you have average grades employers wouldn't mind much about your academic perfomance. If you are competent enough and have a likable personality you will be ok. Grades are secondary to be honest.

>>14115 they are getting first. their grades must be quite good actually

>Grades are secondary to be honest. i agree, lainon. it's not about what grades you get when looking for a job, it's who you sleep with

>>14117 >it's who you sleep with well, you made me laugh

Maybe I having a kind of digital claustrophobia... I can't browser far from I used to do.

>>14060 I kept trying to persuade her after she explained what was preventing her from doing what I want.

>>14127 Did you make sure that she was hearing your feelings like Dr. Rosenberg said? Did you really hear her feelings? Were you proposing a course of action that met her needs, or were you just proposing one that met yours? I'm hoping to use this in my personal life, so knowing where you made your mistake could help me.

>>14113 In the field I plan on going into it's fairly common to filter applications based on those grades for whatever reason, some even have it in the job requirements. I don't think that's fair, but that's probably only because I'm heavily disadvantaged by it. I sent off quite a few applications earlier in the year and heard back from one, which was a rejection. I will probably start applying again when I know what my final classification is, and maybe look at getting some articles published. >>14115 >What is your definition of horrendous? Bad enough to be about 7 total grades below the course requirements, which were comparatively low to begin with. I was very lucky to show up at a time when they wanted to fill seats. I don't doubt you on the second bit, though. I think once I get that first job, experience and being likeable are all that matter. Thank you for the positive replies, I've been feeling a bit hopeless lately but I think this has helped a little.

the most cutest smartest girl i ever met is moving back to africa because she graduated. i only really got to talk to her the last few weeks despite knowing her for 3 years almost. there was even a time she liked me i think and i just got so nervous i didnt talk to her for the longest time. it's a good thing i dont believe in soulmates and that sort of thing because she would have definitely been the one. i never was that attracted or could have the kind of conversations i had with anyone but her. she was also just such an interesting person, with so many interesting stories both about her and that she could tell. i'm almost less upset about the fact that I feel like I could have loved her a lot, or any of that, and i'm more upset that she just won't be in this city and that no one else will get to experience her. that was probably bound to happen anyway as she was getting sort of sick of the city and the drugs especially. it's almost like though, as if I knew some great legendary figure or warrior back in ancient times and only had stories, and the next generation comes around and all I can do is hope to convey the person. she's not the only one either, so many people in her friend circle are the same but she just stands out to me specifically. literally all i can do is just forget about it and move on, if I wanted I could spend a year obsessing over this but it just isn't going to help at all or do anything. im in this confused space where I wish I spent more time with her and knew her better, but also glad I didn't because I would have gotten involved with some stuff that would have been tough to get out of. I played it safe but that might have been the smartest decision, yet there is some guilt involved that I even feel I have the right to talk about it or her when I did play it safe. but even playing it safe I saw so many things people almost wouldn't believe. There is one story that people don't associate with her by name, but I will hear it from total strangers and they don't even know if it's true or not and it's just like "yeah I was there for that". and you wonder if anyone even believes you, they hardly even believe the story. it's just weird to know somebody who a movie could have almost been written about, and about what went on, and yet there will be no movie and it will all just be forgotten eventually. because there is no point in trying to make it live, the only thing at the end of the day I truly gained were personal lessons. maybe once in a blue moon a situation will come up where i will be able to talk about it, but even in those instances it's just a random life story at that point. literally nothing to do besides stop thinking about it and keep going. especially stop thinking about what could have been between us, but even to stop thinking about that time. my brain already wants to like "take up the mantle" almost and do the things she was doing, but that would be such a bad move because at the end of the day the things that were going on ended so badly she distanced herself completely from it which is why we even got to have those last moments hanging out and having those really great conversations. and poof its gone.

>>14144 Maybe go visit an escort. Can link you to some sites if you'd like.

>>14171 Are you serious? They post about losing a complex relationship with an apparently rather unusual/unique individual, and your solution is to have them seek out a cheap thrill with a sex worker? Last I checked, women weren't interchangeable to that degree, not to mention the very different relationship dynamic that would be at play. Have you ever lost a close female companion? Did you solve the problem by calling an escort service? Maybe I should give you some credit for trying to help, but I'm appalled.

>>14174 I am serious, because they need to realize that pining for a woman is a joke, really. They are a lot more interchangeable than you seem to think. The guy is probably too pent up imo. There's nothing too complex about it. And yes, pretty much every issue I have had with women has been resolved by seeing escorts. Only problem is I only have so much cash to spend on them, ha!

>>14177 >>14171 you didnt even read my post because that wasnt a concern at all, in fact thats what im dealing fine with. stop projecting

>>14177 >>14171 also you need to stop thinking that because your only reason to interact with girls was off of some dumb i need gf thing you obsessed over and repeatedly flopped that everyone else is facing the same problem. ever considered your soykaf advice is only good because you had soykaf reasons to start with? sex isnt a concern at all for me and having sex with people has never made me not want to have friends or love people.

I don't see how other people do it. How they manage to make friends and find love and all that bullshit. Even if they're ugly as sin. Even if they're so awkward that their words should repel everyone in a mile radius. Even if they're complete assholes to everyone else. I don't know why I want what they have. It's not until I see them all together that I start to feel lonely. Until then it's like I don't even care about it. Maybe my brain just shuts it out and pretends not to care. I don't know. I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of being alone. But it's all I know. All the chances to socialize, I've passed up or just never actually got, and so I've got worse social skills than a 5-year-old as a result. I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not meant to be close to anyone. I mean, no one's entitled to have friends, after all. Why can't I just realize this and deal with it? Why can't I snuff out this desire for good and find peace knowing I don't deserve this kind of comfort?

>>14131 Positive actions which I believe will help you to use NVC in your every day life: Read NVC: a language for life, cover to cover, twice. Keep a copy on hand to review occasionally. Attend an NVC workshop or watch a recording of one. There are some ones on youtube with Marshall that really flesh out key ideas in the book. Workshops are a space where we can practice NVC with fluent giraffe-speakers. Learn about street NVC. Sometimes a person will feel disturbed by pure-NVC because they need authenticity. Empty out and be present. Reality is what you sense right now. Everything else is just a story you tell yourself. Focus on concrete observations, and the feelings and needs that are relevant in the current moment. Be open to any strategy for getting everyone's needs met even if such strategies disagree with your social conditioning.

>>14248 take it as it comes.

At this point I see no reason to believe that this world is anything more than a prison. A prison from which escape is nearly impossible. Too tall to hang, too far from a place to jump off of, just hardy enough to survive pills or poisons, and too awkward to go and get a shotgun without it being obvious what I want to do with it. I bet that even if I laid my head down on a landmine like a pillow it'd either turn out to be a dud or only partially explode, enough to cause permanent damage without actually killing me. I could stand at ground zero of a fuarrrking nuclear blast and somehow survive, just for the sake of keeping me trapped here. I don't want to be part of this world. Never have. I don't know how everyone else finds a reason to want to stay. Are they just given the chance to find one? Are they even real, or are they projections just there to remind us prisoners of our place in this world?

>>14260 you can't escape the Black Iron Prison. Not even by dying. You can, however, get parole.

I want to die

>>14260 Call me crazy, i agree but in a different way. This world is a prison and the governments is making sure it stays hellish. Im convinced so called modern society is a construct to keep us ignorant and miserable to keep us trapped in a cycle of suffering. Modern society is structured in such a way so that everyone will run into conflict with others and/or remains occupied with bullshit. It is structured in layers so that no part really knows the whole picture and every part that acts in favor of the system can be controlled by the system to keep some other part in check. I have no real evidence to back it up but i am certain that the idea of the government and modern society is to distract us from supernatural/spiritual matters. The people may be ignorant either because they have been lead to do so or out of their own volition. The world is not what we think it is and the governments know about it, probably only the topmost level of whatever is in control of this world. But they have always tried to suppress the idea that there is more to the world than just us and our stupidity. Its all smoke and mirrors, either that or i have full blown schizophrenia, which i have too now.

I can barely even communicate with people. I don't think I could even hold a conversation to save my life. Words now just feel stuck in my mouth and when I manage to force them out, they sound off. I can't focus. Just reading a book now feels like an impossible task, and that's something I used to do all the time. I'll see myself just going through an entire page and not being able to tell anything I just read. On my latest driving leassons I've been making mistakes I didn't even do when I was starting out, which coud have cost my life and the life of others if my instructor wasn't there. I've been making less and less contact with the few friends I have left and I just can't bring myself to keep anyone around anymore. I feel a burning pain in my head and chest throught the day, specially at night, and I can't get proper sleep. Therapy and medication didn't help, given I wasn't as bad when I tried those as I am now. I don't know how am I supposed to ever get better if I can't even function anymore. Just writing this feels like such a drag. I was planning to off myself in a couple months if my situation didn't improve but I may not wait that long anymore.

i sometimes lurk here but never made a post, so here it goes i guess. broke up with my ex 4 months ago terrible fuarrrking fighting, basically shut down all emotions during those times. crying every single day after she went away, first ever relationship. constant thoughts about her, keep thinking about her, weight lifting at the gym helps a lot, but when i'm done with it, the thoughts come back. >have panic disorder this basically fuarrrking breaks me, on a daily. I don't get panic attacks everyday recently, but i still have GAD daily and it is very tiresome, i stress out about the smallest things, i'm very emotional/sensitive. I had some small victories recently, i met up with a girl through a dating site, i spend like 8-9 hours with her, kissed etc. i enjoyed my time, i wasn't physically attracted to her so i had to call off the next date. i'm proud of myself for even going out with a random girl, and spending so much time with her. Going in the train alone, which is a huge trigger, same with being in a different city. I recently booked a concert, of Noting, Nowhere - my first ever concert i will be going, so i'm exited!

>>14275 i guess i could relate to some degree. Whenever i'm nervous i stutter pretty badly, and it makes me very self-conscious. I can think of saying a thing, and then i totally butcher it. i was never a smart kid, so it took me multiple readings to fully understand something, and i still do now. With those very few friends you do have, do you talk about personal issues. like what is bothering you, mental health etc? Venting out online feels nice yeah, but it's different to do it in real life. Hope the best for you. i don't have friends, at all. The only ''friends'' i have are people at the gym i talk to, time to time. Recently my old middle school friend contacted me and said he wanted to hang, but i said i was busy. I liked my time with him, but fug, he's just a bit too different than me.

>>14248 >i don't know why i want what they have well it's basically our evolution anon, it's just so recently that we're all so isolated behind a screen but couple of thousands of years ago we were living in tribes, and socializing. You had to be in a tribe to actually survive nad work together. If someone was left behind the tribe, that individual would start to feel depressed and anxious, mainly because the person needed other to stay alive. It is a survival mechanism, lonliness that is, or depression whatever you wanna call it. I enjoyed this video, he explains everything very nicely: https://youtu.be/m3aIQuMWJCA?t=224

>>14279 hot damn you're a mess brother. If you base your entire sense of security on women, you WILL fall. But I'm sure you know this, yet refuse to do anything about it, so idk why I bother. My advice: stay away from women for awhile and do NOT place much importance on them. They are just meat sacks with holes man. Get a grip.

>>14282 I agree with you! I should not have sense of security on women, and that is not good. It is just that i miss someone in my life, someone that i can talk with and can share everything with you know. I don't have friends, i can't talk with other people really, and i could talk about everything with my ex, and also be intimate. It's just that i feel very alone, isolated, no real friends, no one that can tell me ''hey bud, it's going to be fine''. I do have one goal, and that is to get physically even bigger, and focusing on that really helps, working out relieves a lot of stress - but after working out my dopamine and endorphine levels drop and i feel fuarrrking soykaf again. I do understand you, thanks.

I never thought my dog's death would affect me this much. I miss you buddy.

Almost 30 and just got my first real job. It's very stressful to always have to please other people who are smarter than me, deal with a ton of uncertainty, and constantly prove myself. I want to do something really good with the money I'm making but it's hard. I'm still trying to mend my shattered ego and cope with never having had a girlfriend at this age. I feel pathetic and lonely and depressed about this life path I have taken. When I try to let it go and focus on work it sneaks back. So I've turned to using. As a result I'm dealing with medical issues, but cant imagine a life without drugs. Not to mention my family life falling apart. I'm really worn out and stressed. I want to leave this place.

>>14335 i'm sorry to hear, a dog is a man's best friend. >>14355 You have to think of the long-term anon, i don't know what drugs you're taking but generally you don't want to use it for a long period of time. I know this might sound dumb to you, but going to the gym and weightlifting takes away the stress, and makes me feel good. Other than the nice hormones flowing through your body, your self image also improves. And how come you never had a girlfriend?

>>14355 Im kinda in a similar situation. Coping with it and escaping mostly by smoking way too much weed than i should. Even among druggies i have the social skills of a child. The idea of being around normal people with standards and expectations and social lifes scare me. I live so far on the edge of what can be considered total insanity. I should get on disability, but when youre the target of a long lasting psychic conspiracy then you dont get soykaf. Present day, present time.

I hate that there isn't a right to work, I despise having to market myself to people and justify why I'm not perfect for them, all because they hold the livelihood I need. I wish life was as simple as "You know how to do X, so work on Y". But as far as I can see, the only systems where it worked like that was Feudalism and Communism. Although the latter I wouldn't mind at this point to be honest.

i really wish places like these had some kind of traffic, it seems dead, wish i had people to talk to.

>>12780 Came here to say this, but another Lainon articulated it better than I could ever dream, so at this point I'm just venting. Successful male. Healthy, somewhat fit and handome. Girlfriend, easy 4-hour job, a lot of recognition in my circles, leadership position in my leisure activities. I have zero friends: lots of people that I like or admire and that like or admire me, but not friends. Can't make deep connections to other people. I feel like an extraterrestrial. I feel depressed all the time. I don't give a fuarrrk about the promises of society. That means that I don't give a fuarrrk about 99% of other people's problems, thoughts and ideals. Poor people want money. Rich people want more money. I seriously don't give a fuarrrk. I want to wear a tunic and plant onions for a living. But I don't want to give up modern science's blessings, because I like being comfortable, so here I am. I would happily give up everything I have and will have so everyone else get all the money they want and STOP THINKING AND TALKING ABOUT MONEY ALREADY. Also, people are so fuarrrking complex and dumb. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even human. Seems like I'm not autistic, but I look like an automaton next to regular people. I live by a "if this then that" logic that seems obvious to me, but is completely different to the train of thoughts of everyone else, so I can't share more than comments about weather. I've found maybe 5 people in my whole life who don't make me feel like a different species. Everyone else is cursed with magical thinking and unlogic and weird priorities and wishes that don't make them happier or better. Remember the original Dragon Ball or any other fiction about wishes, where characters would wish stupid things instead of infinite power or infinite wishes, and you would scream "ARE YOU fuarrrkING KIDDING ME" to the tv screen? It's like real life humanity runs on cartoon logic. "I'M GONNA fuarrrk MY OWN BODY AND MIND WORKING TWICE AS MUCH, SO I CAN PAY MY CREDIT CARD DEBT I GOT BUYING SHIT THAT DIDN'T MAKE ME HAPPY, SO I CAN BUY WHATEVER NEW SHIT MASS MEDIA TOLD ME BRINGS HAPPINESS" When I was like 7 or 8 our teacher asked us to write down five wishes. I wrote a list of magic wands that gave me infinite wishes, but also infinite wealth, control over everyone else's minds, immortality, and I don't remember what else. I wasn't being ambitious: I just wanted to cover all the bases. It was obvious and natural to me that I should use that power as best as possible, so I could end my and everyone else's needs and suffering. I remember the physical shock I felt when another kid showed me his list with things like a fuarrrking pair of skates. It was not the first time I felt like a member of another species, but it's the one I remember most vividly. That guy is in prison now. He's probably happier than me. Sorry for the rambling, and please excuse my poor English.

>>14407 I think the main factor is most people adopt all values as told because they have no defense and choose to trust whatever they hold as authority. There is no illogical conflict because there is no verification process. my guess is people outside the hive mind all had some sort of event that made them adapt an instinctual understanding that your relationship with most is hostile and trust should be never given blindly.

I have an initial assessment with a therapist in a few days. I'm worried I'll get sectioned. I thought about self-harm for the first time today, and I'm scared I might act on it.

>>14426 you really really don't want to do that anon, especially if you're seeing a therapist soon. self harm doesn't help anything, at most you might get an extremely short satisfaction for fulfilling the urge you have, for whatever reason it might be, but even that won't last and you'll immediately feel bad for having done it. if you're already going in for an assessment, and you're worried about the outcome, don't do more things to increase the likelihood of a bad outcome. hang in there anon.

>>14426 just be honest with your therapist, and very good that you're seeing one! Personally i like to punch my face when i get very sad and the feeling of isolation gets to me. It's what this anon said >>14430 the satisfaction is only there for a split-second. It would be nice if i could talk with a therapist but im still in a waiting list. wish you the best of luck and hope you can establish a decent connection with the therapist.

>>14407 Give the tunic wearing onion planting life a shot. Do you feel afraid that you won't be able to live when age makes you too weak to sustain production?

>>14361 I dunno why I haven't had a girlfriend anon. There are a lot of reasons it could be. None of the girls I liked were really interested, and the few girls who were interested stopped being interested once they knew me more closely. That's what hurt the most. I work out 3 times a week, but it just feels like a chore to me at this point and eating big was equally as depressing when I did it. Have any tips to make things more fun? >>14368 isnt it always great when they ask you 'what did you do this weekend?" Even to the most fringe people I know I cant answer that question without lying, but with more neurotypical groups its just painful because you cant even say you've done drugs or such things. Or when they ask if you've got plans for holiday xyz... ugh

>>14560 >tips to make things more fun honestly, it's just the dopamine/endorphines that make working out so nice, since these hormones flow through you once you start doing it. Set goals on improving your bench/deadlfit/squat, hit new PRs, i recently hit a new benching PR and it made me feel really good.

>>14560 You can make your workout more fun by swimming in the ocean. Learn ocean safety from the Boy Scouts or Sea Scouts, or old timers who understand the sea (free divers, spear fishers, etc). If you skip this step you'll probably get sucked out to sea and your last moments on earth will be a horrible nightmare from which you cannot wake up. Your skin acts like a third kidney when you submerge yourself in saltwater on a daily basis. You can see what is left of the reefs and meet all the critters what live there. Beaches and other shoreline type areas provide lots of different, naturally occuring inclines and ledges which are great for bodyweight work.

>>14280 >With those very few friends you do have, do you talk about personal issues. like what is bothering you, mental health etc? No. Not anymore at least. It's always been a struggle for me to open up to people and I've been distancing myself more and more from the only person I was comfortable enough to talk to about this stuff. I've been trying to keep these few people around, just not hard enough apparently. It's not like I'm not used to being completely isolated either. My whole life is a mess and I barely have any energy left to spend with people. Although, I'm not self-assured enough to be able reject anyone anymore. Which is funny, since back in my teens I was completely fine being left alone. I wouldn't have wasted so many opportunities if had any idea how hard these were to come by.

>>14430 >>14431 Thank you, Lainons, these words have helped more than you think, probably. I had my assessment today, and even though I was worried my family would hear me on the phone, I was upfront about everything and hopefully I'll get some help out it. >>14431 Best of luck with your time on the waiting list, Lainon. It was only 3 weeks for me, but I understand it can be months for others.

>>14582 >i was upfront about everything that's amazing, and sooner you will realise how nice it is to vent to people in real life, in the mean time we're here for you and it sure is nice to vent online but doing it in real life feels way better.

i'm kinda proud of myself, i suffer from a panic/anxiety disorder and it is hard for me to get into public transport and go to different cities. recently i went on a date for the first time, and i really liked the girl but i was just not physically into her. I went into the train alone, and spend so much time with her! Going out and doing things i am afraid of and exposing myself really helps! and 2 days ago i went to the concert for the very first time, i met up with few people i literally didn't know from a discord of a artist and we went together. ONE thing i'm kind of mad is that i took 10mg of oxazepam in the concert stage to completely eliminate the anxiety, i also felt really relaxed during the stage and i was even dancing and singing along!

>>12780 >She slowly got more sexual with me and in a very forceful way, still always maintaining that childlike "we just are playing" attitude. It even started to get violent. I dont want to go into details, eventually she decided to just stop talking to me. I dont know what it was that ticked off in her head, I think part of it was she felt ashamed to be around me. She really started to just hate me and like resent that she was around me or that I was her friend and maybe that she was attracted to me. She left you because she couldn't control you or because she wasn't forcing what she wanted out of you. It's a pretty classic abuse thing. It very likely was not your fault.

People are becoming stupider, extraordinarily crueler, and more conformist. This will bring about the end of us. We are forgetting how to co-exist with others fundamentally different from ourselves, and the basis of society is compromise and understanding. This is worse than idiocracy or brave new world. The people there were stupid, but kind. We have become stupid and cruel, and have a lust for inflicting senseless violence upon others to bolster our own egos.

>>14596 I'm proud of you Lainon.

>>14604 thank you! <3

In all honesty I am probably a sociopath and it's something I can never tell anyone though because they'll either write you off (costing you social capital) or make fun of you because they think you're being edgy. Worst case they'll try to put on some crusade and oust you from every group you're in and in general make your life a living hell. I'm so tired of having to act, why can't I just be myself and mind my own business without people judging me? It's not my fault I was born without the ability to care about other people's dumb soykaf lives.

>>14603 We replaced the superstitions of the past with things just as bad. The greatest information sharing technology ever invented can't save us if people are too stupid to use it right. Everyone hides in the chosen echo silo that makes them the most comfortable.

>>13333 you spoiled my life Bro it is not cool

>>14617 You also feel nothing for example, a girlfriend or a bestfriend? have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? I don't think you're weird, it's just you, and it's not much you can change about it.

god i wish i had actual friends, it's just that i crave human interaction. Recently i met new people but that was temporarily due to some reasons. But when i talk with people from the gym and have long conversations i feel quite energetic and happy, even though i am a introvert. i like being alone, but i also really fuarrrking hate it. Ever since breaking up with my ex, i crave interaction with people since she was the only friend i had.

>>14622 Yeah, I don't really feel much of anything. I care more about losing the ability to have them around and spend time with me than I do the person themselves. Never considered going to a therapist because I don't want the word to get out to people. Everyone thinks I'm a normal person, and having others know I have no empathy can lead to problems in the future. At the same time, I guess it would be nice to have a relationship with someone who accepts me for who I am and doesn't mind taking care of me, from a selfish point of view, but that's something that will never happen.

>get a bachelors in CE >get a job >it turns out to be an outsource soykaf >burn out >hate IT as a profession >it's now a year since I am a NEET >have no idea what to do with my life What do lainanons? I just have no clue what to do anymore. I have no idea what I am leaning towards. The only things I do right now are physical training and reading books. That may be good for myself as a conscious being, but not as a member of society, since I am a NEET and have no idea how to earn money without transforming into a default biorobot. Even when I worked as a code monkey, when I came home after work, I had no mental capacity to do anything, can't imagine what people are feeling after a day of real hard work. God, it's so depressing.

>>14624 you seem like a genuine individual, if you have people you love in life, then don't mind to be honest with them. Real friends will understand it.

>>12783 I had a similar problem lainon. I hate to dissapoint you but I haven't yet found a solution. The only thing I changed is my passive attitude, whereas before I used to just endure the punches I now have a kind of passive-aggressive response system to those kind of situations. Some people just get away from me and don't bother interacting with me again, some just do so from a safer distance. It's not an ideal solution but perhaps you'll like more than being the scapegoat. Also, stay away from internet forums and similarly hierarchized websites, people like to use every single tiny bit of power they have to soykaf on others, then expect to get their asses kissed.

>>14628 It sounds like you had a bad experience. There are a lot of good people and companies working on writing code out there. Some don't do the typical work schedule either. Maybe if you contributed your time towards a project you used everyday or your morals aligned with, you would begin to enjoy tech more again?

>>14652 Most jobs for average coders(can't even call myself a programmer, i am not that good) are webdev soykaf, and I hate that. I am not smart enough for embedded/security stuff. I am not sure if I want to return to tech. I hate this corporate atmosphere, these fake smiling hypocrites make my skin crawl. Too sad I am not capable mentally for the military. And I have bad eyesight which is not good as well.

>dream about my ex >dream feels so real that i experience all happy emotions >wake up and still experience the ''happy'' emotions i felt during the dream god, this is absolute fuarrrking mental torture, why does my soykaf fuarrrking monkey brain have to do this. I genuinely get so fuarrrking depressed when i have this. i also crave human interaction, i feel so fuarrrking isolated and lonely. i wish i had a gf again who i could hug and so that someone could love me.

I feel lonely, weak and my performance at work is going down. I do not have any intimate friend and it's too bad cause I wish I had. It is one of my mind's fantasy. I feel really sensitive, I want to cry everywhere everytime and it is like kicking dead whales down the beach, I feel like I'm a 7yo girl. I just got a job, but my performance is so bad that I think I'll be fired soon. I just wanna feel good about myself and feel proud of good things I can make.

bf isn't invested I know it's an LDR and there's little chance of us ever meeting up. I just want to live the relationship within the existing constraints. Share some photos, talk. He isn't breaking up but anything I try to do to deepen our connection, he'll dodge saying he doesn't want to hurt me because we can't have a real relationship. He's got a lot of self image issues. I know he refused to see his previous internet bf even when he showed up in his town. He keeps saying he doesn't want the relationship to get too serious but he's the one making it serious by flaking on fooling around.

>>14673 honestly LDRs are only worth it if there's a chance that you're going to be together soon. It's not worth waiting years for, not fair you and the other individual. >>14664 yeah, i feel yuu. i crave human interaction aswell and it's quite painful of being lonely too.Maybe join a sport or something, start working out, talk to your colleagues more often? find online local events.

I've spent most of my life putting minimal effort into everything, which when circumstances made working more difficult, resulted in me doing no work at all. Consequently I was told today that I've been kicked of my degree programme at a fairly prestigious uni. This is the first time there has been any real consequence to my naivety and poor decision-making. Hopefully I'll be able to start at a new university, on a more suitable degree programme, now that I've learned my lesson. I've had 6 months (after realising this would happen) to develop diligence, and so if all goes to plan, I should be able to achieve what I really ought to.

I keep having these intrusive suicidal urges where I'll be doing something else and suddenly start fantasizing putting my belt over my doorknob and hanging myself with it. Sometimes it almost seems tempting, like it would be alright if I just did it for a couple seconds to see what it felt like, and then I get very anxious that I'll just keep doing it until one day I don't stop. I don't even really have a good reason to kill myself, but I can see myself just doing it one day out of the blue and leaving my coworkers/family wondering what happened.

>>12780 I like you

i have all the answers and i know enough to know that having all the answers doesnt mean you have all the answers. its very weird to know everything and also nothing, and its very weird to engage and live with this in mind. i find it pretty strange that 99% of what i talk about and think about these days has so little to do with the answers to anything, and i find it strange there was a time when if I knew the things I knew id be so pushed to tell everyone and convince everyone, yet now id rather just talk about what whoever im talking to is thinking about and I avoid most questions involving my thoughts on anything. rarely does anyone ask, fewer understand, so few that I wonder if I understand myself or just think I do. its pretty odd that I can say this, that I know so much, when my first instinct is to always assume the other person is right. sometimes somebody will say something I disagree with, and I assume they already thought of my disagreements and they must have a really good reason i cant grasp to believe what they do believe. god talks to me, but im not insane because I hear no voices in my head. things are about to fall apart very badly for me, thats the expectation but i will live. im thinking about this: if my only friend leaves me what will I do? if my pets die what will I do? if family dies what will I do? there was a time I would have cried and contemplated suicide, which is not appropriate but its certainly appropriate to cry. but I think I wont do anything, its too big of a risk these days to be sad for too long about much of anything. the capability to move is realized, and there may be some kind of coldness that develops as a result but the alternative because I am suicidal is too risky. If I were deathly allergic to vegetables I would not eat them no matter how healthy, how tasty, how nutritionally deficient I may be without them. such is life when it comes to pain these days. I can only handle a little, and I mean I can only handle a little. Not will, but can, it is all I can do. I can only experience so much before I now have to just shut that part of my brain off and move on. blah blah blah blah big words big thoughts feels really good to mentally masturbate and ejaculate words onto my favorite imageboard.

Дерьмо. Жопа.

I get the feeling I'm probably going to die alone.

>dreaming about being in a school trip >have to go to the bathroom >we arive at the destination >step outside and hear my friends yell ''happy birthday!!'' >one of them was a red yoshi handpuppet >i start crying and start experiencing different kinds of emotions such as love, friendship and belonging somewhere >suddenly wake up >for some reason i keep crying >i STILL experience the same emotions of belonging somewhere, love and friendship >i let it all out what the actual fuarrrk? i had my bday 2 weeks before, i didn't do anything. Prehaps a manifestation of my sadness? so weird. >>14727 yeah, pretty much same here. as far as i can see things going, nothing is changing, things are getting pretty much worse. I'm actively seeking out to meet different people, but i only met a few in a matter of 4 months. It's not easy to make friends if you're not in college or have good colleagues. Try events, concerts, sports? i made friends at my local gym, although i don't hangout with them afterwards i talk to them at the gym, which is really nice.

I guess I'm friendless now. The only person I've ever been able to trust is no longer a part of my life. I saw this happening five years ago when I first found her social media accounts and all the soykaf she posted about men being the devil and this and that. Funnily enough, despite all the things she had online, she still acted like she cared about me, as if she forgot that I'm a guy myself or something. At first the posts were sporadic, but they got more frequent and more scathing over time, and now it's gotten to the point where I can't even imagine her seeing me as a human being, much less a friend. I should have done something about it. Either confronted her about the posts or just made new friends. I did try to do the latter, but it's next to impossible when you have almost no grasp on how humans interact, are ugly to the point where it's laughable, and have nowhere to go to meet others anyhow. There's no hobby-related clubs or anything like that in this town, it's too small. I've tried online communities like IRCs and such, but to no avail as well. Everyone's just so close to one another and I just don't have anything in common to bond over with anyone else. Honestly, at this point I'd rather just be dead. I hate being alone, I hate having no one to talk to or trust, I hate seeing everyone else getting along so well and being able to make friends and find love like it's nothing. But I'm sure that if I tried to kill myself, I'd fail no matter what I do. Anything to keep me alive and suffering.

Life's changing so fast, I simply don't know what to do nor I have the willpower to change anything. I've been engaged with some people for the past months, we ALWAYS hang out during weekends and holidays. They're pretty cool and have the same artistic / musical / movie-taste as me. They're the perfect pair. Regardless of that, I've been doing pretty bad at college. I have so many massing classes and just yesterday I missed another because I'm sick, and I'll probably miss the one happening today as well - I'm still sick. I feel like if I had a greater willpower I could've pulled it out easily, taking a bath, having breakfast and taking the bus right to the college - but I simply can't. I'm so weak. I have also recently lost my virginity to this girl which is also within these "new friends" party. She's got pretty similar tastes as me, and we've been some kind of "platonic couple" as we aren't necessarily a couple but we act pretty much as one. (Kissing, patting, hugging and sex). The oddest thing about this is that... She doesn't want to date me - at least by what she meant. She just got out of a relationship and I often feel like a scapegoat because it's so easier to persuade and long for affection looking for me than other boys (as they're more experienced in this relationship thing). I don't know what to do, I don't want to feel used. I don't know what to do with my life. I mean, looking by another perspective, life's getting better and better isn't? But I don't see it that way. I have no willpower to do anything. I feel so weak. I'm so weak. I'm a cup of glass - any damage as less as it looks will break me and I will probably end up doing something stupid. God it feels like years. I just wish I could... Find something. I have living so much. I have having these kind of responsibilities. I've done pretty much everything now haven't I? Then why am I still here... fuarrrk. I have disappointing people. I'm a disappointment.

i know things im not supposed to know or i am insane. the thing is theres no guides for this, its not like you can look up "is this always how going insane goes down" or like "is it possible think x and not go insane". theres so many things i want to tell all of you and yet i cant, it does absolutely nothing. thats what makes me think im going insane, if there is things I know that even if I told you wouldnt change anything do they even matter? arent I just obsessing over stuff that doesnt matter? im definitely not obsessing, but id have to be in order to desire to tell all of you. not only would it do no good, it could do harm even. and for what purpose, here I am no better than the next person. I just know some things. im not any smarter or wiser for it at the end of the day. its not going to allow me to transcend, its like seeing in the future and not being able to change it

I can't connect to anything or devote myself to something in the real world. Only on the internet can I actually tie myself to something. Is it because I grew up with the internet? Is it because I'm anti-social? I don't know, but I don't want to change.

>>14735 was she a RADfem? If she considered you a friend, why didn't you ask more personal questions? And why are you not talking with her anymore, is it because she has become more radical in her views, and that you're afraid how she's going to respond to you? if not, then seek contact with her? and i do agree with you, being alone fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach, i hate it and i have literally no one. >>14737 you have a friend group, which is great. As for the girl, maybe she just wants to take it slow since she came out of an relationship? maybe she was in a abusive one, and it takes time to fully dedicate to another one? Spend time with her and get her to know better.

i have my first therapist session tomorrow, and i was in a waiting list for around 6 months. My panic attacks are close to being gone, although i still have episodes where i'm about to blow. And i stil have regular levels of anxiety. Mentally i feel like i'm deteriorating - i do not have any friends, i have a fuarrrking panic disorder, never had a job and still have to apply to one and it's killing me , not sure if this college course i applied for really suits me or if i'm qualified. And the worst feeling is probably experiencing this summer ALONE, i was with my ex last year and now i feel really empty, if i'm inside the house i feel numbed by browsing the internet and disgusted with myself, if i go outside i begin to get teary eyes because i see people laughing and being with others. There's this feeling of dread, haunting me the smell and warmth of the summer makes me remember being with her and it is fuarrrking killing me day by day. i'm so fuarrrking lonely, there's a handful of people that make me laugh at the gym i workout at and they're the only ''friends'' i consider but doubt they see me as one. i'm getting all fuarrrking teary writing this post out, i hate having a fuarrrkING PANIC DISORDER it makes me not feel human, constant anxiety, it fuarrrking ruined my relationship with people, limited myself it makes me feel disgusted. i live in a constant wave of self-sorrow and hate. i did take steps to get out of my comfort-zone and met new people but none of those lasted.

>>14698 Shit i feel ya, i got more anwsers for life than i can handle but i still dont go forward. Everything is connected, i can see that and how, but not where it all goes. >>14727 We are all connected, death and being not alone are not so relevant in the whole picture. >>14731 A real kick in the dick there friendo, atleast you seem to take care of yourself. >>14735 Life is suffering, with or without friends, sure its better being with others, but sometimes it can be hell too, i often sort of contemplate if it werent better if went back to being a loner. >>14737 Sucks, but atleast you got laid, which is way more than i can say about myself. I am super lazy, i have too many ambitions and goals, yet every small step feels like a huge drag and days just go by. My friends arent much better, sure they work unlike me but they seem to lack even more will than me to acomplish anything in theyr lifes except drink beer and smoke weed. Most of the time i wonder why even bother, i know i could do things right if i cared, but it seems so unlikely and everything about the real world just bothers me now. Yet i feel terribly guilty for not doing anything. Even though one could say i have had friends for about 2 or 3 years, when it comes to social matters, i feel hardly any less confused about them than i used to be. Even though ive pretty much admitted defeat in regards to females, it still hurts a lot on the inside, guess it just will. >>14738 Maybe we could give you advice if you tell us whats up, this is lainchan after all, the weirdest of the weird. >>14744 Damn, i know from experience how awful that is. I dont know what to say other than make the best of summer, even if it means being by yourself. Sometimes it hurts being alone but you can learn to have fun on your own too and maybe you get to be lucky and meet some people one day. On the bright side i made a new friend somehow, hes really cool and maybe he might be that one friend that i need. Somehow none of my friends are really the ones i just click with instinctively. I also found a book on the power of thoughts and how they affect us, which i am positive is quite correct, so try not to feel too bad despite being present day, present time. Im convinced for a good future for people like us, even if it will take some hanging in there. Lain is always with us.

>>14746 thanks anon, i'll try to make the most out of my summer, but living in the presen day, present time can sometimes really be hard. things will eventually pass for you and me, that's true, but being in the moment is suffering, we're all going to make it.

I could give a long drawn out story but why bother if it is to be forgotten and I could sum up that I have a miserable life and feel disappointed in myself and the world around me.

>>14746 If it'll help you somehow here's a quick review: it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, sex is nice and the amount of affection you can get our of it it's great, but the first time always is like kicking dead whales down the beach. You have to keep moving on. Sex it's just the result, you have to firstly think about getting to know someone, loving them, wanting them near you and etc. Keep pushing on, my dude.

The drive with my Unity projects died today. No backups of course.

>>14752 Shit, that is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Played yourself.

>>14737 That actually sounds kind of wonderful. Don't be so down on yourself. See where it takes you, and be open and honest. Some of my best relationships started out as 'no strings attached' type things. It'll be okay, but it's also okay to feel bad if that's what you need to do--just make sure to keep going.

>>14743 >If she considered you a friend, why didn't you ask more personal questions? I didn't want to make things worse than they already were. That, and there was a part of me afraid that if I did bring these posts up to her she would twist my words and make it seem as if I were harassing her or something, and then my life would really be in the soykafter. I just don't get it, though. Why would someone post online making half the population out to be subhuman while still talking to someone from said half as if they were still close friends?

>>14757 this is where i'm confused. You don't talk to her due to her views being really low towards men? but she always treated you well. And dude, if she were to gasslight you into thinking you were harassing her then you would definitely know that she was not material to be friends with. So how can you know for certain? >Why would someone post online making half the population out to be subhuman while still talking to someone from said half as if they were still close friends? This is how radical feminists are man, asuming she was one. My ex-gf was a RADfem but she liked me, but hated the MAJORITY of men.

>>14759 Never met a man-hating feminist in my whole life, and I've lived in NYC, Austin, Seattle, Portland, SF, near college campuses--all the places they supposedly dwell. All the ones I've met have been perfectly nice people with reasonable critiques of society that they presented in a civil manner at appropriate times. Not all ones I agreed with, but they didn't try to crucify me for having different views or anything. The reactionary pushback against 'feminism' and 'SJWs' has been shadowboxing from the very start, spurred on by viral videos spread like wildfire which only actually represent a couple dozen extreme cases. It was basically a bunch of 14-year-old girls on Tumblr in 2011 who didn't know how the world worked yet. It wasn't something to worry about--certainly not an apocalyptic threat like a lot of people stoked hysteria over. Almost all of that has just been angry dudes talking with each other--not about real feminists they've encountered, but imaginary archetypes of feminists they dreamed up in order to say "imagine if this happened, wouldn't it be horrible?" Or some very unrealistic and suspicious anecdotes that are totally unverifiable. And this stilted newspeak terminology like "RADfem." C'mon, it's pretty clear who the radicalized one is.

>>14760 radical feminists are usually found on the internet because their views are too extreme to share in public. they're against trans people, and only care for womens rights, and usually hate men. that's what my ex told me atleast.

>>14761 This is true for all outliers. Anyone socially aware won't shoot his own leg spouting opinions too outside the norm. Lains should have largely experienced it themselves within the topic of it-sec. The only people who fall again outside of this are too radical too care about consequences which is a small minority.

>>14759 >this is where i'm confused. You don't talk to her due to her views being really low towards men? but she always treated you well. It's because I can't tell if her friendliness is genuine anymore. I can't tell if she still sees me as a friend or if she sees me the same way as other "friends" I've had in the past, who only ever saw me as some idiot to keep around to have someone to feel superior to. She might still act friendly, but I can't read people well enough to tell if she actually is.

>>14765 well anon, if this person listens to you and spends time with you and is being kind, then she is probably worth keeping. if you can't tell if she's genuine just ask more questions. Would you rather just cut out all the contact due to your paranoia - or still talk with her and be good friends and ask questions, and take your conclusions based after that. Idk, maybe i'm just projecting myself on you since i do not have any friends, but it is important to have some and i hope she is actually genuine. >>14763 well yeah, that's why it is called radical feminism or radical anything. They believe that they have to be radical to see any change happening. even if that falls out of our social norms.

i still sometimes check out on a forum where my ex goes on and lurk it time to time to see if i can see her posting on there, i know it's a bad habit but i want to know for some reason. god i'm so fuarrrking pathetic

>>14776 hate to say this but unless you truly don't want to get over the past, you're only going to make things much more difficult and moving on with your life will be impossible

people keep telling me I'm smart and acting like they want to be around and I keep trying to respond the right way but it always feel like they're acting, I'm acting, like it's so much effort to interact with them. Also my new roommate is more aspie than me and it's incredibly taxing to be the more socially competent aspie.

I got rejected by a person who felt like the perfect one for me, we're both really similar and get along great, we even have similar medical conditions, but she didn't agree to having special feelings for me, at least she was really nice about it and it didn't hurt our relationship, I still can't help but feel hurt over it, but it's not like I can force anything.

I want to go to film school, and took a semester off after community college to work on some short films to put in my portfolio. I got accepted into SVA, which is very expensive but has a genuinely reputable film program. My mother could not co-sign on a loan for me because her car had been recently impounded. My grand-father refused on the grounds the he was retiring and did not want to take a hit to his credit score. This meant that I would have to attend the local State University. This depressed me and I didn't leave my room for about a week. I got over it, reasoning that because there was a film studio in town things might still work out. I then attended orientation and was proven wrong. One of the speakers revealed that he had attended the school, and that he had acquired a degree in film, and then talked about how he never got a film related job, but that he liked getting it anyway. I was then forced to participate in a "get to know the people near you" event, where I was personally asked if I was more of a "Ross" or a "Chandler". All of the speakers talked to the students like they were children, and the students ate it up. That was a month ago, and I've spent the time since then in my room crying. I am positive I am about to spend the next 2 years of my life depressed surrounded by people I hate, earning a useless degree that will only allow me to earn a masters degree in a more reputable place with more connections, if I'm lucky. Contextual information: I grew up in a small town 2 hours away from here, a larger town on the coast. I do not want to live here anymore, to the degree that I do not want to live in the region of America anymore. I do not want to live with my family anymore, but it would be a waste of money to move out. I have ADHD, and feel that my skills would work best in the context of a studio environment, and I do not think my other interests would be actualizable as a career.

>>14783 if the medical condition was mental illness, I will say that it is usually best to avoid dating people with the same mental illness(ESPECIALLY if you are in group therapy with them)

>>14786 the whole "getting treated like a child" thing stops after about 2 years of college, if you make your professors respect you. To them everyone is an empty-headed kid until proven otherwise

>>14787 Oh it's nothing like that, we just have similar actual health conditions, as in our physical bodies, not mentally, but we are actually pretty similar in that regard too, but we don't have any mental issues besides being heavy introverts who have anxiety.

>>14778 i know i know i know.. i'm still having trouble moving on from the past, and i'm also constantly worried about the future. i hope my therapist can help me a bit, i'll stop checking that forum out from this day on..

>>14781 ever thought you maybe have some confidence issues? maybe you are really smart but are not confident in yourself. >>14783 that really is like kicking dead whales down the beach to hear.. hopefully you will find an amazing person soon!

i'm going to go for a walk in the forest where i usually went with my ex and my puppy. i now don't have either of them and the thought of going there just made me cry, i'm going to read a book there, hoping it will do me good.

>>14663 I love u

>>14795 thank you, i love you too

>>14793 >ever thought you maybe have some confidence issues? maybe you are really smart but are not confident in yourself. Maybe. I am definitely not as smart as some people seem to think. I think I'm just somewhat intelligent and really bad at explaining myself.

>>14800 well, i'll tell you one thing, no one really told me i were smart to just hang around me. So you might be actually smart - or intelligent, whatever you want to call it.

>>14793 It's hard, she really reminds me of my younger self in a good way, plus her personality and everything else I just really like, I don't think there's another person even similar to her where I live, I'm just hoping that she changes her mind about how she feels and lets a relationship happen sometime, if anybody else comes along that I really like I'll try that, but I'm very particular in what I like with people, and don't want to put up with somebody whom I don't really like all that much, such an opportunity if it ever does come again will not be for a long time.

>>14804 yeah, honestly i can relate with you. i don't think i'll ever meet a girl like my ex, and that is me not being pessimistic about it. just keep improving yourself, and be the best you can be.

i know what happens when you die ive seen god ive seen all of that, and the only reason i dont die right now is because i know that the longer you hold on the better the death is. like some kind of transcendental edging for a big cum. i know it its fact its law, i cant tell you exactly what comes after that i dont know that for certain, i have a lot of ideas some are even really good ones and probably true but i wont tell you them to stress that what i just said is real. but oh my god ive never wanted to die so hard right now, not because of that its got nothing to do with that. ive wanted to die before, even for "no reason" but that was loneliness or depression. im not depressed right now im so irritated just irritated and anxious and i dont even know what i feel. ive had the worst couple of days and its so petty, but my brain it cant handle it, i feel like im gonna explode. i hate people so much and i love them so much, i just want to be left alone and yet im so scared of being left alone. i dont know what i like or care about anymore. i hate my body, id tell you why but thats the worst part i know exactly the bullshit id hear if i told any of you why, youd turn it into some case to prove a point, or try to manipulate me into turning against my friends. i cant have the conversations i want to have with anyone, i just have them with myself over and over because no ones qualified to have them with me, and those that are i feel guilty in their presence or like im taking advantage of them. i cant believe im saying this im an adult but im saying that no one can understand me. ive tried so many times not understand me, as in me my being, i dont even think about that. they dont understand my points of view, the words im saying, what im getting at when i talk with them. even my best friend im missing that with her, we just are very similar emotionally and she is a good influence. but actually i think she hates me and just doesnt understand her own hate, the way she reacts to me sometimes is how i would react to someone i hate. she reacts to her boyfriend like that too, but i think her concept of friend, boyfriend, all of that is just a bit warped. i had another friend too but just a few days ago she confessed about how she loves me and stuff and i just cant handle that. i just wanted a friend i dont know how to feel about that, it doesnt get me any where i realized it just makes me unhealthily sad. i havent thought about being in a relationship with anyone for years i just block any attempts to flirt or anything because i need friends most importantly right now, and she pushed anyways but shes so inconfident i dont know why she did. if she forced me and insisted i might have said yes, but she didnt she just got horribly embarassed and anxious and started freaking out and apologizing for asking. i hate that so much, i cant stand when other people are anxious because its the one thing that makes me anxious. and i hate, hate hate hate hate men so much. no political reason, i cant talk with them, they understand me least of all. especially older men, i absolutely hate older men. i dont understand why everyone wants to prove something, why we cant just talk, i dont understand why even the moast self loathiing bastards usually still deep down believe they are better than others and i dont. truly, and thats just more irritating because when i say stuff like "people cant understand me" others take it as a "oh what your too above me for me to understand you", but thats just so irrelevant to me i stop thinking about it until i say something like that and it gets brought up. even if i believed i was objectively smarter than someone it would just be so irrelevant to everything, like id still assume they know better than me. today I argued with someone and they instantly turned it into some kind of competition and it just threw me off guard itd been so long since i had an argument because i stopped bothering for that reason, as you might guess it was a man, in my experience i found men are more concerned wuth winning arguments usually and see them as some sort of reflection of themselves as an individual. some kind of reputation/respect thing. god it made me so furious he took it like that i didnt know what to do with myself, and when i get that angry what happens is i feel defeated. thats something else, i feel like most people when they get like that they come back even harder. but for me its just a reminder "wow no one understands where im coming from at all" and i just feel apathetic. i tell the person they are right and i never talk to then again, because it takes too much energy out of me. i get nothing out of it and neither do they (i think), regardless if they do i hurt from it so its not worth it. its a self destructive act for me to argue with much of anybody. i have a couple people in willing to argue with and they just are online people and its because weve established a relationship thats just about exploring ideas without inserting ourselves and it took so long to establish that. in real life i can argue like that with my best friend but she hates arguments too, she kind of hates talking in general unless its going somewhere tangible. i respect that but its not how i think and so im just left here feeling like im going to explode. even just posting this il regret it and probably not look at this thread for months because i know someones going to take something i said and try to "prove" something to me or call me an idiot as if i dont know that or as if it changes anything. why cant anyone understand we can see the world differently, i do it all the time and i work with that persons beliefs and brain instead of trying to force my brain on them. why do you have to force my brain to be your brain in order to talk to me, why do i have to exist in everyone elses brain and from their point of view to have connections but no one ever tries to exist in my brain just for a bit.

>>14807 i want to cut my fuarrrking dick off so that i truly never think about anything sexual and also so that no one will want to be with me. if i make it not an option my brain will stop thinking about it because thats how my brain works. instead im questioning whether im right to block off intimate feelings and never pursue anything with anyone. this wouldnt be a question if i made it not a possibility.

>>14807 >ive seen god ive seen all of that have you not been taking your medication?

Last weekend went out and had a good time. I was social and drank a bit and got given a little MDMA. Went to the beach by myself and watched the full moon. and I know I should feel a bit down after doing mandy but I didnt do that much and didnt really get a come down. Though this week Ive had uncontrollable thoughts of soykaf my mother has put me through in my life with her impulsive and selfish ways. She's tried to be good to me in recent years and these feelings come back to haunt me. I worry that I cant forgive her, that Im broken by it. Then if it's not her it's some other trauma or grudge. It doesnt help that Im increasingly isolating myself. work to get money for the day, come home and go online or game. Ive listened to a hypnosis these last couple days to get over anger and negative attachments. Ive "nodded off" so hopefully its getting in there. No obsessive thoughts no just low feeling. I also have this frustration of being in love with someone whose in a relationship. I fantasize that we may one day have a child together, to the point I believe it. In reality I could be setting myself up for more pain. On the horizon I may luck out and get a settlement for a crash I was in, but the lawyer has gone radio silent and if I dont get it what then? More anger and resentment at being wronged. I wish I could be happier like I used to be, my enthusiasm for this life is waning.

>>14810 That's a great start. Meditation is also good.

>>14809 no i have. i dont have that kind of thing anyways, or if I do the psychiatrists and my case managers couldnt tell.

fuarrrk man im so fuarrrked up, my life is totally fuarrrked up, my friends are so fuarrrked up. We smoke lots of weed, they drink but i dont. Man this one dude is too fuarrrking much, is i know how fuarrrked up i am by seeing my reflection in their fuarrrked up ness and all of the world. Man its nice to have friends for once, but sitting with those schizos while watching younger people have like fun and me being the not fun type fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach soykaf. Holy soykaffuck i feel down the rabbithole deep, not that i wanted it any other way. On the contrary i always wanted to go down deeper beyond the veil of life, but what the fuarrrk did i manifest myself again. I cant muster some kind of fuarrrking willpower to break trough. My life is so messed up its more worser than a pkd novel. Altough seems like most of us are total schizos now anyhow, i just put my faith in lain. I think i gotten either too much or too little in the whole spirtuatlity soykafe man. But hell present day present time huh.

>>14820 Don't ever start drinking, my man...

>>14821 I like drinking sometimes, its not the drinking, its just theyre dull boring people who on their inside just gave up and have no ambition left other than lazing around. But man im kinda trough the wind, i think i will quit with regular drugs and if i take drugs i take a real fuarrrkton and make a perfect planned trip. I also realized i need to take my spiritual stuff way more seriously.

>>14820 >>14824 don't be a degenerate, don't drink, don't smoke weed. get /fit/ and be shredded.

>>14825 past basic health, fitness is a sham. Who cares if you have big muscles. It doesn't matter much for girls unless you will *only* settle for perfect 10's . It's diminishing returns.

>>14828 You don't have to be shredded, but at least take care of yourself, not just for other peoples sake, but for yours as well lain.

>>14828 it's not a sham? >increase in libido >increase in testosterone >increase in mood >bigger muscles is more confidence >people will respect you >healthy life >girls will think you're more hot also a reminder that people will look at your differently in life, and because you look like you have muscles/are in good shape people will respect you more than having fat around your sides and looking like a blob.

>>14834 >increase in testosterone what is it good for? >girls will think you're more hot only girls that find it hot

job interview today, it's nothing big but my first ever job interview... i feel god awful because i dreamed about my ex again, i know i should not let my mood get influenced by it but god it felt real again.

i'm so fuarrrking sick of not being able to tell what's real and what isn't. nothing feels real. i have no goals, i no longer believe in them. i just spend my time devoting myself to creative pursuits which end up being an unconscious outlet for my ideas on reality, because nobody wants to hear them or take them seriously. it feels like there's another world that i'm slowly and painfully migrating to, and that process is exhausting and draining. i want to go home. i'm so sick of this. i've lost everything.

>>14834 sure, but there's a big difference between being ripped and being a blob. I argue that, once you achieve basic fitness, it is not worth the countless hours of work it takes to get ripped.

>>14843 >it is not worth that's your opinion, sure. everyone has goals in life.

>>14834 >>14840 fuarrrk that is like kicking dead whales down the beach, hope it went well, dont worry about any of that crap. >>14842 Yes, i live according to "close the world, open the next!". but damn its exhausting. Another day wasted getting stoned with my friends and being surrounded by very pretty girls, but i never know how to take the initiative and even then i never have the courage/will. There is a also a girl in my stoner circle now, shes pretty cute in a way, real spiritual and sweet, but i think she might have a thing for my more artistic and sporty friend. Having a dick is a punishment, lain give me strength.

>>14846 >Another day wasted getting stoned with my friends and being surrounded by very pretty girls, but i never know how to take the initiative and even then i never have the courage/will. wow, this describes like every other day of my life. Really it's a more general problem of not knowing how to talk to people. I'm more used to talking to guys though.

Unedited stream of consciousness here: I live in the third world, I hate every single aspect of my life here, and I'm not talented enough to leave. It's all brown and dirty. There is no natural beauty here. There is no human civility either, the people are inbred and the people are barbaric. It's summer. It's hot. Very, very hot out. I go to uni twice a week for a student activity, in an attempt to do something for my future. To get to uni, I ride a dangerous vehicle for an hour and a half. No AC. No shades either. To get back, I ride two vehicles. I can't afford moving somewhere near university. But that all doesn't matter, as I'm stuck in this country. There's a lot of hatred in my heart. A lot of anger. I am very judgemental. I classify people as subhumans or normal. No in betweens. Most of my country's inhabitants I see as subhuman. It's filthy and steaming hot. There's no green to meditate in. There's no peaceful zone to walk in. I can't kill myself, my mother adores me. It would also drive my sister mad. I love my sister, she makes life tolerable sometimes. But she's getting married soon and moving out. I really, really wish I was never born.