I just turned 35 a little less than two months ago, and I have recently given myself several moments since then to pause and reflect on what my life has been, what I have done, what I should have done, and what my life might be.
And I have come to discover that yes, my life has indeed been a bit messed up and hijacked many different times, but that conversely, almost none of it had been my fault, and the few mistakes I had made did not impact things to any real degree, or really anything else.
I used to not believe in fate. I still don't, as a matter of fact. However, I do feel that there are many, many different trends and currents in one's own life that takes one through an idiosyncratic journey that is more or less immutable and meant to be.
Take, for instance, that I have never had sex. Is this something that I should be ashamed of? If you have the right mindset, no. Nonetheless, the fact that I have never met anyone who I could form a close relationship with is very depressing, and has caused me a lot of emotional pain in the past. However, I now know that it just was not meant to be, and that I had opportunities, but I knew that it wasn't right. STDs and bad memories is all that it would have brought me, if not more.
Also the fact that at 26 I had gotten my Master's in Experimental Psychology and well, that's it. That was all that happened in my "career". After that, I had to go back home to take care of my mother, who had cancer at the time. Unfortunately my father was also in the picture, a person who was extremely abusive and who I had never gotten along with. Since then, my life was more or less a dud, although I did manage to move out right after my mother died, I have worked part-time jobs, and the economy was simply never good in this region in any case. Unfortunately I was only recently able to have nothing to do with my father, but that is another story.
The point that I am trying to make is that life is more interesting than most would love to believe, if you examine it closely enough. I mean, my life has been mostly negative and I am a depressed person, but with all of these things happening and no way to change it, and how they all bleed into another to create a very odd, yet somehow meaningful, amalgamation that seems to evolve in unpredictable ways throughout the passage of time (and may even transcend time, given your ability of understanding and reflection), I cannot help but to feel a sense of awe and wonder, something almost supernatural, having a feeling that there really is something there, driving my life through cosmic and/or divine means.
It is sort of like the movie "The Holy Mountain", where all those rich, powerful people go on a trek to find mystical power or some other occult significance in their lives, and at the end it turns out that it was all bullsoykaf and the fourth wall is broken. Well, of course it doesn't work like that; or at least, it isn't tangible. Even though I have this awareness, I still feel as if there is something there. Hell, I know that there is something there, however all of it would be debunked and denounced as mere pseudoscience if my beginning theories ever got out. I realize that what I believe is not a science, but rather a pre-science with evidence gathered from intuition, ancient knowledge, and anecdotal experience, however in this current zeitgeist it wouldn't have a snowball's chance.
What else is there to be said? Perhaps that reflection, knowledge, maturity and wisdom are crucial to understanding the fundamentals and dynamics of life, in particular your own life. There is no way that I could have come to this realization if I had continued to get drunk every night to wash away the problems that came from the outside world, or to use drugs on a regular basis, or to even smoke. Hell, to even regularly see false friends and family, which is likely the most important part, since "psychic vampires" are indeed a very real threat to one's mind.
So I've simply decided to share with you this wisdom, what little I have. And there is more, but maybe not much.