Is "friendship" bullshit?

I haven't had a ton of friends so far, so maybe I'm just unlucky, but none of the friendships I've had so far in life have actually satisfied me. Maybe I'm just weird, but I always thought friendship was like a pact between 2 people where you agree to look out for the other person's best interests and help them grow as a person. In return, they look after you and provide for you. So it's a selfless kind of thing really. But I think nobody else has this view of friendship. When my friends see me taking an interest in their passions, in their hobbies, in their goals, they seem to think, "Oh it's just because I'm super interesting" and not because I think that's what a friend is supposed to do. So they never reciprocate, they never ask "So how are your projects going? How are your goals lately?" Or if they happen to rarely ask this, they hear my response and immediately move on. No further questions, no comments, no reaction, nothing. I just don't get it. Am I crazy for seeing friendship this way? I just feel this pain in my heart looking at the state of the world, and I think, We can all solve this if we just start supporting one another, start caring more, start building up each other into better and stronger people. But no. Friendship means "Hey bro hop on TF2" and maybe "Can you spot me $20?" It's so shallow, I don't get it.

you have very soykafty friends, lain. what you're describing is a very one-sided relationship. you are most likely being used for validation without any expectation of this being reciprocated. there are better people out there, I promise <3

Those people aren't your friends, lainon.

>>101087 >So they never reciprocate, they never ask "So how are your projects going? How are your goals lately?" Or if they happen to rarely ask this, they hear my response and immediately move on Yeah. Dumped a soykafty "friend" due to this very problem.

>>101087 I'm far from an expert on this matter. but in my personal experience, and from observations of other relationships, I've seen that friendships are built on trust gained over time, and commitment. When they ask you to play TF2, or ask to borrow money, they are testing your commitment as a friend. Can they trust you to fulfill your responsibilities as friend when they need you to? If your friendships aren't deep enough you could try increasing the level of commitment expected by both sides. You can do this by either asking more from your friends, like asking for money or help, or offering more to them, like meeting in person more often, or doing favours for them. By increasing the commitment you're both making, you increase the value of the relationship. By increasing the level of commitment expected, you increase both your own potential as a friend, and test theirs.

friendship is to share in something and preferably in all things. little secrets and the like, causes, passions, but its hard to have with other men because they often are raised not to do that depending on what culture your from. If you are in america and of "white american" kind of bg (german, irish, welsh, british, etc.) then you probably were ridiculed several times for stuff you shared (feelings or ideas you thought were cool). you dont ever have to be ridiculed for a passion or a cause specifically cause by the time you have one you already know sharing in general leaves you vulnerable and the last thing you want is someone tearing down whats most important to you. Another related thing is men dont often know how to show they care or trust you specifically, they often on the surface treat all of their friends with a kind of lack of empathy cause guys are supposed to hold their own, and its incredibly hard to break out of that cause imagine trying to show genuine concern towards another man which you already are making an effort to do it isnt natural and he just snaps at you or makes a joke about it, youd be like fuarrrk this. So often to show they care they only have these safe basic level transactional things. Asking you for money or lending you money, helping you move cause you helped them move, etc. These things are really important, sometimes they can be more meaningful than any word or shared moment or secret, but they deliberately dont build intimacy and are kind of shallow. i just made friends with not men mostly as a solution but there is good men however you will also have to be one of the good ones. Every good friendship and friend group has a kind of shared purpose or cause, its not usually spoken or realized what that is till way later, eg "I love how we are like family" (the purpose in that case being to be eachothers family away from family). Many times in any little wider social cirfle there is unfortunately like one or two male friend groups who are actually up to anything interesting or meaningful or uplifting. Girls almost always kind of quickly move to establish what their circle or an individual friendship is "all about" for better or worse but guy groups can kind of meander and rot indefinitely until things just fizzle out and you all start to hate eachother and accusing the other of not really doing anything with their life or having any drive. Because of this the few solid groups of men are often as selective and closed off as a catty girls group is, someone annoying or unmotivated or who doesnt "vibe" can ruin everything.

>>101093 I thought I lucked out because I found another dude who was able to be introspective & talk about serious stuff without laughing it off. But that guy is the same as the friend in the OP. Unfortunately, I think the common advice of, "You can't change people, so just get them out of your life" is correct. >Every good friendship and friend group has a kind of shared purpose or cause Yeah & I think lots of friendships have misaligned causes which is why they eventually explode & die. In this case I'm a very goal-oriented and ambitious person and I really care about seeing people improve IRL and change for the better. But my friend is a "Zen" personality type who doesn't have any big plans for life, he just wants to chill, take things easy and watch movies with friends, etc. So when we hang out I'll often feel depressed that we aren't being productive or doing anything, and I start to get quietly upset, but for him this sort of lazy lifestyle where you just game all day with friends is actually close to ideal. And so he will never actually embrace my ambitious, energetic side & build on it because there's nothing for him to gain by doing that. Just like how I won't embrace the whole "chill & play games & watch movies" thing because it has nothing to offer me. Male friendships in particular are often based around some cause, I think. Or a job, hobby, passion, or movement. At least where it comes to adult male friendships, I think they generally split into 2 groups, where the first group is like your buddies from high school/college who have no serious role in your life right now but you still get together to shoot the soykaf occasionally, and then the second group is people who share the same interests and passions as you, which is the main source of friendship. So if you're super interested in & passionate about this one thing, but your buddy is not, it's kinda like.... what can you even do? It's over. That doesn't mean cut them off, or block them. But they're just not gonna have a significant role in your life, and maturity is coming to terms with that instead of trying to fight it.