What keeps you going?

To be completely honest, I'm really emotionally numb. I probably have depression, but I don't care enough to really get checked or anything. What do you do to find a purpose? Do you have someone to protect? A thing you want accomplished?

a constant search contained only in moments rarely occured through the pinnacle of an ideal not ever realized i suppose

If I don't get myself involved in the things I like I'll have a psychotic episode. I maybe tiresome but its better than a psychotic episode.

Bump to continue i guess

>What do you do to find a purpose? Do you have someone to protect? A thing you want accomplished? I figure life is about collecting and fulfilling obligations, so that's what I do. Some of these obligations are for others, such as volunteer work or creating media others can perhaps enjoy. Some of these obligations are for myself alone, such as attempting happiness and building things for my own use. This can overlap of course; some of the things I build or do for myself are useful for others and sharing spreads use and also improves my reputation and other things. Perhaps the most fun I have is reading and programming, which feed each other, and so I try to do or at least think about what I will do often. >>5202 Lainchan is slower than other imageboards, so you'll need to be more patient; you shouldn't bump a thread when it's on the first page.

>>5178 i almost die. cancer. but i won. life is interesting again

>>5178 I don't want to disappoint my mother, who has done so much for me.

I'm too scared of commitment to kill myself, so while I'm still alive I may as well do what I can to make life enjoyable. >Do you have someone to protect? I have no one. >A thing you want accomplished? yes, but my goals are lofty and unrealistic, not to mention reliant on luck.

>>5178 >What do you do to find a purpose? I want to become something so that I can contribute to society and make my parents proud. I don't wanna die nobody, it scares the soykaf out of me.

I just do stuff that requires 100% focus to be done so that I can forget about how sad I am.

There's a few reasons I continue to exist. For one, my mother was a good mother, and I don't want to subject her to my death, so it's off the table until she dies. Two, I know I'm going to die anyway. Even if things are soykafty, I can always just drop everything and do something else first. I mean, what's the worst that happens, I die? I don't really have any hope in anything other than the abstract possibility that something might get better at some point, but even astronomically low odds are still at better than nothing at all, even if only technically. Sometimes I'll pull out one of my handguns and stare at it for a while when I'm feeling suicidal. Knowing that I could almost certainly kill myself with ease and there's not a damned thing that anyone could do to stop me makes me feel a lot better about life, paradoxically enough. I wouldn't suggest this for anyone else though -- pretty sure I'm wired up funny.

>>5307 No, I agree. I think one of the most reassuring things about life is that you can check out whenever you want to. Which is why paralysis is so terrifying to me.

>>5307 >I mean, what's the worst that happens, I die? This thinking saved my life multiple times. I would contemplate suicide, and then realize that I could just do stupid and dangerous things instead of kill myself. I never do, because I'm incredibly scared of pain to the point I've never even attempted. But just the thought that I could go and do something hilariously dangerous but at least fun- even if I never have the means to do it, I can't kill myself because if I intended to die I want to do it summiting a mountain or base jumping or something. Also I remember that story of a guy who killed himself at foxconn because his life just sucked that much. Even working warehouse or something would be so much more soul crushing than my pretty comfy life. I'd feel guilty about tapping out when others in worse conditions are doing more to stay alive. Speaking of guilt, someone has to find your body. I remember an EMT friend of mine showing me a support beam that they had to clean some guy off of after he drove a car into it at like 120mph. The way he described it, the finding of body parts, the guy going totally unnamed, he said he felt bad for the guy, but his voice didn't even waver describing it... it made me realize that no matter how I went, some guy making $10/hr would have to clean up the mess I left. There's a bunch of other stories like that. Even pills would leave behind a corpse that I can't guarantee wouldn't end up in some embarrassing position. There's simply no method would be a dignified way out, and so I basically have to either die of old age or die on my feet. I'm too stubborn and self conscious to do anything else.

>>5307 >I mean, what's the worst that happens, I die? Actually it's not he worst thing in my opinion. You can get severly crippled, paralyzed, get some serious sickness which will make you suffer, you could be living as a vegetable, lying on bed and not being able to move but still concious about everything. Dying is so much better than any of those things

>>5413 You should die while crashing a millionaire's yacht. That's your "dignified way out".

Right now the best answer I've got is ambition. I keep finding challenging things to do. I also want to find proper meaning, not any of that "make your own meaning" garbo. If it turns out there's nothing transcendent there'll be some serious reconsidering to go.

The thought that, right now, we are closer than ever before in history to isolating the k.ikes into their own bubble due the the internet.