Let It All Out #5

Do you need somewhere to vent? Do need to talk to people who understand? We're here for you anon. Let it all out, it's okay

>>3469 I'm feeling existentially trapped. Does anyone know anything about that?

I am the only real human and this world is my personal hell.

>>3471 Trapped how?

>>3473 Basically, I have the growing sense that we all live in an existence of both fundamentally unattainable truth and absolute responsibility. I believe in "judgment day," but I can't seem to get past my confusion in order to start living "properly." There's more to it, but I think that maybe captures the big idea.

Recently I've been trying to improve my life, but in the process, it has only caused me to think of things that make me upset and in result making me angrier as a person. At first I used this as motivation to improve myself, that I would use my anger to motivate me and prove to two specific individuals I very much dislike that I am better than them. After a month or so, my thoughts became increasingly violent, and lead to me harming myself to exert my pent up anger, but this only really happened when I was working out as part of my plan to improve myself. I blew up one day and wrote a manifesto to beat the living soykaf out of one person who humiliated me months ago and tells me to fight him, and another guy who stole the girl I loved from me and got engaged to her within a month of them dating eachother and three months within them knowing eachother. I blew up and it caused people to worry about me. I'm scared as to what I'll do in the future as I'm usually the type of person who just wants to be friends with people, but this case I really broke character.

Just broke my kithchen window because I'm really drunk and really really depressed, my roommate is gonna show up in an hour and probably be really angry at me I hate myself so much

I can't tell if I feel happy or empty. I have nobody to love anymore and I want someone so much, but when the time comes to act to change that I find myself unmotivated. I've found some kind of inner peace that is placid but unsatisfying. I feel like there's some step in becoming close to people that I just don't understand and I've been relying on others to bridge that gap for me for my whole life, and nobody will do that for me anymore now that I'm an adult. Next week I will resolve to call the doctor's office and set up an appointment, and go to a local activist meeting, and to go into office hours and talk to my professors.

I feel totally overwhelmed and I can't stop thinking about things that make me feel like garbage. I've been going to therapy and it helps but I feel like I'm in a really bad rut or about to get into one. I feel like I cannot trust anyone I know and that no one really understands how I feel or how I function and even those closest to me are totally oblivious or inconsiderate to my needs. I try to be understanding for everybody and to make sure others and comfortable and happy with me but I never feel like I am treated similarly. I just want to be finished with everything and not have to do anything for the rest of my life.

last night I took acid which isnt out of the ordinary but at the end my roomate gave me an edible and i legitametly felt like I was in hell, just all the worst things about me started to surface up and take over in my mind when I closed my eyes. I threw up everywhere. I feel like soykaf today, I woke up only like 6 hours ago and I need to sleep so I can get back on track but im just crying. Im trying to remember im probably just sad cause I got up at a weird time and threw up most of my food but its so hard, theres been times when ive been like this just normally. also everything in my life is going wrong and I can hardly do anything about it because im just paying for one mistake I made. For some reason when im feeling depressed my mind goes to how lonely I am. I am unfortunately a trainwreck who likes a lot of emotional attention, and the girl im seeing right now just is terrible about communicating, not texting back for 2 or 3 days sometimes because shes also a trainwreck and just leaves messages unread because looking at her phone gives her anxiety or some soykaf. All that does is make me worry shes gonna leave and never talk to me again without saying a word. I really like her. Theres also a different girl who I always had a lot of respect for. Shes involved in some shady things and kind of tough, but just always nice and sweet. I thought she was just always like that but apparently only around me. Then I also found out from a mutual friend that after I leave she asks him constantly if she said something weird or if I didnt like something she did. I found this all out because she did do something that put me off a little bit but it turned out to be nothing, and she felt horrible even though it wasnt a huge deal. I wanted to see her kind of this weekend but then my friend was like nows not a great time because she was in a bad mood and she doesnt think il like her anymore i guess if shes in a bad mood. the girl im seeing says the same thing that she likes seeing me smile and doesnt want to bring me down. i just wish people understood that as fuarrrked up as it might be I can take anything but i dont want to be alone. all i want is for people to feel comfortable and safe around me. when its late and someone walks to the other side of the street as if im going to hurt them if they mess with me somehow it makes me sad. but i know all my problems are self created. I wear tougher clothing and smoke and have tattoos and want more, even though I know it makes me just look scarier and more unnaproachable. In the same way i subconsciously hurt myself because depression is more comfortable to me while happiness feels like something il lose. both of these people are such good people just subjected to soykafty circumstances. everyone around me just is destroying themselves including myself, and I know thats my fault too because im attracted to people that do this subconsciously. Being aware of this is almost no help, because its mostly a guess that usually happens to be right. I think "something interests me about this person" then it turns out they are a little messed up. And the people I hate are usually people I see as someone who "had it easy". when my mind gets like this i have terrible thoughts. nothing at the moment would make me feel safer and happier and at peace if I could kill myself next to somebody i admired and loved and just fall asleep with them. This isnt the first time ive had this thought either. its such a stupid overly romantic selfish cringey thought too I know, but its how I feel. i just try to remember its because im down right now. That itl pass.

My friend was sexually abused last Tuesday, she just had a breakdown and is crying non stop. I don't know what to do, there is nothing to do about it I can only support but she doesn't believe me she says that she is all alone I fear that she may harm herself.

Got sick of being an orbiter and went and told my oneitis of one year I liked her despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, pretty much burned my relationship with her to the ground but I feel alot freer now, still working to get over her it's alot easier now but damn the rejection stung alot despite the fact I knew it was coming.

im struggling with being productive, internet procrastination has completely destroyed my attention span. i cant go 5 minutes without opening a new tab while working on something. i realized that i dont have any hobbies. I stopped playing videogames because it was a waste of time and i wanted to get work done but that only resulted in wasting all my time on browsing.

If god exists, s/he has a serious hateboner for me and enjoys wiggling false hope in front of me before destroying it. No matter what I do, reality gets in the way. Someday, I will kill god.

>>3494 the only way you transcend the false hope stage is to become god yourself do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law the laws of this universe will not stop you then, you will bend space and time to your will the only god worth praying to is lucifer and only he will heed your calls

I feel like I don't know what i want in life. I feel lost. Every time I start something I never finish it, I just give up. I'm not sure why but it's like I'm to afraid of failure and not sure it's really what I want to do in life, like I'm just wasting my time. But then some time passes and I regret giving up and wish I had continued with it so I start over again and the cycle repeats itself. It's the same thing with school, every time i go back to try and finish school i drop out again because I just hate it. I can't seem to concentrate on what I want (if it is what i want?) and it's like I always deliberately ruin things for myself and I'm not sure why. I often wish I just had a close friend to talk to, it would make life a lot easier. Sometimes nothing feels real. When I'm outside taking a walk and I look up and see the sky, see the trees moving in the wind and the leaves swirling in the air its like none of it is actually real or happening... As if we are all really living in a dream world. Its hard to explain but anyone else ever have this feeling?

>>3496 I can understand you pretty well. I also start many things and give them up soon after. It kills me that I can't even finish one thing and still don't know what I want. I came to the same conclusion as you: that I'm to afraid to fail so I choose to just give up and leave it because it's safer this way. But actually it's not and now, after many years I can see that avoiding failures at all costs leads to even worse things than failing. Now I don't really have any experience in many fields because I left them as soon as first difficulties appeared and additionally and don't know how to deal with failure when it finally come. Because you simply can't avoid it for the whole life. It's easy to write this here but tomorrow when I will go out I will start this avoidance again, I know it. I try to fight it but it's hard. Also I regret so many things from the past, the things that I left or deliberatly destroyed and thoughts about it haunts me every day, so when I try to do some new things immediately those thoughts came back and I'm all like "it's gonna be as usual, better to leave it now and save myself dissapointment and pain." I really can't stad it anymore. How do you deal wih this? How to get energy and strenght to fight yourself and your thoughts? Having a close friend helps a lot. I have one and I had some serious talks with her about my mental state and my problems and it was really refreshing, I felt so much better after those conversations. However I try not to talk about it too often because I don't want her to feel overwhelmed with my soykaf cause I know she has her own problems. As for the reality thing, I have sometimes episodes like that but not very often and not very strong so I can't really advise you in that. However when I think about my past, when I was a kid, all of this seems unreal to me, like I'm not sure if those things really happend and if those are really my memories cause I can remember only some single pictures and scenes.

>>3471 I know how that feels and thats about it. >>3472 I dont recall posting this, if you arent me then this is contradicting. >>3496 I feel very similar a lot of times and i dont get soykaf done either. As for me winter kicked in and i have to kick my habits, for a few reasons, problem is i use them to fight my depression. Needless to say completely fuarrrked up, i need not elaborate on this i think.

>>3487 The best you can do is stay with her, show her that you are there to help. I am so sorry to hear that. and the worst part is that there is not really anything that you can do except be there for her. >>3495 >>3494 bear in mins that this is one paradigm. another would be to adapt the belief that there is nothing to act upon as the universe unfolds before you. Yes, you can direct action in your life, but do you really want to? developing the mindset of self action directing univeral action can also become overwhelming. Thus to some individuals, a state of zen is the best coping method- stand firm in your beliefs, but move neither forward to direct , nor submit to others and you will achieve personal tranquility and the ability to move yourself internally, rather than actign through external stimuli (i. introspection, rather than outward domination.) meditation can achieve this, in order to know yourself, focus on hearing your heartbeat at all times of the day, then once you know yourself, you will be able to direct yourself in a direction that you choose. you will act beyond the limits of the universe, in that you will act in a way that they do not affect you through transcending them, rather than bending them to your will

>>3496 I was like you some time ago. The existential fog still lingers, but I have developed direction. My solution was not to look at what is next, but what I see on the horizon. for example. I know that statistically, I will likely live for another 60 or so years. so within that time, I have decided that some things that I want are stability, a family (perhaps), and a life goal. So in order to determine a short term direction, I found a million ways to attain each of those. This has prevented me from largely acting on impulse (though much like you, I still start and never finish things) but I get a feel for major goals (even though I don't like the path, the end will guide me towards my life goals) so short term, I will get a degree, as it will make me able to provide stability for my possible family. and if not, i will at least have lots of money to spend on other soykaf. consider that every year that you are not out of school and working towards a goal like retirement, that is one year of maximum income that you have prospectively lost (not to lay on more dread to an already sad situation) long term goals drive short term. and a year or even 5 years is unfortunately still short. but by having 3 plans to get somewhere that ill fulfill life goals, you are far ahead of many others. I can help if you have goals, but unfortunately, even i myself have trouble finding goals to move towards

I'm afraid I'm going to have an outburst if I don't tell my roommate what I need to tell him, but I'm really embarrassed by it and hate confrontation so I don't know if I can do it. I really hope things work out, I'm gonna go crazy if not

Lately I started to think that I might have borderline disorder, especially after I've read some articles and watched some relations made by people who have it. Is there anyone with diagnosed borderline here? What are your symptoms and how do you deal with them? Are you on any therapy or meds?

>>3519 You just promoted sklavenmorale while using dome of my words. You will not become an immovable rock by being zen, you will just allow things to happen without your influence. People will trample over you and you will die out. Everything else takes self initiative through full conciouss WILL. You know yourself what you are promoting is being a passive observer, and you are laughably pathetic in thinking what you are doing is helping anyone. We are meant to go forward with our neo-cortex not backwards.

>>3521 A really good book for this type of situation is Crucial Conversations.

>>3496 Boy, have I struggled with this. However, slowly but surely I learned to get more in touch with what I want. I really struggled with overthinking things but sometimes you have to dig deep and ask what you keep going back to. For me, the obvious thing was STEM fields. So, I'm pursuing coding as a hobby right now, with an interest in going pro. But the thing is, I still struggle with school too. Not grades, but constantly going in circles sometimes asking myself if it's worth it and other times I just want to plow through and get my degree so I can move on with life. The key is staying focused on your passion and not letting the job/education aspect of it give you too much grief regardless of what you decide to do. Of course this just covers some aspects of the phenomenon you're talking about. I still go back and forth between my personal passion and socializing for example. But over time, you learn to integrate all these areas of your life better. Just keep at it. And always remember that this life is a journey too be enjoyed. Don't get hung up on the "end game" .

Some days go so well it seems, but God some days go so fuarrrking bad. Nothing is consistent and it drives me mad

A good friend of mine is throwing everything away for alcohol and I can't stop him I don't even know if I would stop him if I could, I kinda want to join him and just drink till the world's gone

You can look in a mirror till your face doesn't look like your face anymore, and you can stare face to face until you become them. Theres irony in the fact that most people probably sanitize their razor blade before splitting their wrists open and dying. when im most lonely i jack off, when im most scared about the future I cut the future short by smoking more. if somebody could give me the same love I give them we would both starve to death. I eat pictures and videos of food il never be able to buy for breakfast. and more than anything id like someone reading this to feel as upset as I do, because I don't want to be alone in my misery. Rather than uplifting everyone, id rather drag people down with me. even though not all hope is lost, im scared of getting to that point. what if I lose funding after this semester, I want to die here not at home. I really like this place, I really like the people here, even though most of them dont stick around in my life. I might lose another tommorow. If I go home I dont think il ever make it back. Ive really had enough god, universe, I know maybe I havent put in the work, but I am tired. all the time I say throw whatever at me and I will survive and deal if you think its best. If just this once, you could give me a break. i dont know if I deserve it, but it might really save me. I know what I need to do now, please dont pull me down when ive finally figured myself out a bit.

There's this girl I've been thinking about asking out, a few days ago I had a perfect chance but I couldn't bring myself to do it, every part of me felt like it was screaming "nononono". I feel like I don't have my depression under control enough to get into a relationship, but at the same time I can't stop thinking about this girl. Part of me really wants to do it anyways for a few reasons. We've got a few mutual interests (one of which being my favorite games of all time), she seemed kinda(?) interested in me, I've been pretty happy with my looks recently, and it's been months since I've felt genuinely interested in someone. she's also really cute During the day while I'm in class, I'm constantly fighting off feelings that nothing matters and that I should just give up. I know that's not true, and there are things in life that matter, I'm just having trouble coming up with concrete reasons and ideas as to why I should keep going. I've been losing interest in my hobbies as well. I've never been great at staying consistent with my guitar practice, but today when I was trying to practice I had to stop halfway through because I just felt awful. Then there's the fact that I haven't been able to find a new friend group (aside from my flatmates) since I broke up with my old one. I know where I should start looking for a new one, but I can't summon the motivation to do it. I don't feel like I'm completely hopeless, there are glimmers of happiness occasionally, and I've been really enjoying reading books lately. Even so I can't help but feel like I'm not ready to date again. I've flipped between "I shouldn't ask her out" and "I will definitely ask her out" at least 3 times now. what do?

>>3531 Has something recent prompted him to do this, or has it just been a gradual downward spiral for him? What makes you want to do it with him? >>3530 I feel you. My days have been really inconsistent lately as well, last week there were some days I felt like I was on top of the world, now I feel like giving up. Make sure you're consistently getting enough sleep/food/exercise. Judging your life by going on a daily basis can make things look worse than they really are. These past few weeks have been bad for me, but when I look at things in scale of months, I've recognized my problem and I've started getting more help for it, I'm making some progress in my social life, and I'm more than halfway done with this semester of uni. I hope things get better for you soon. Keep your head up.

>>3534 I say go for it. A month ago I was in the same situation as you, I went for it and it was a semi success. Of course later I kinda blew it because of my episodes of strong depression when nothing matters anymore, but still I am happy that I at least tried. I wasn't ready for the relationship either apparently but now I know on what thing I have to work on. I know that you said you're not completely stable too but waiting until things get better in your head is IMO waste of time. You can wait all the time you want and you will still be having those doubts. Even if you fail, it will be an experience you can use to better yourself for the future. I waited with actions whole my life, constantly thinking if I sould do something or not and now I feel like I have almost zero experience and don't know how to deal with many situations and have to learn all of it from scratch. So ask her out, do your best to get her interest and concentrate on fighting off all those doubts and bad thoughts. I hope you will succeed and be happy anon.

>>3534 also, great pic, gives me comfy feelings

>>3534 How attractive do you consider yourself? If you think you are at least a 7.5 in terms of bone structure, ask her. If not, don't For the record, pic related is a 7.5

>>3538 > If you think you are at least a 7.5 in terms of bone structure, ask her. If not, don't wtf

>>3538 just took this, where do I lie on the scale? haven't shaved in a while because of no-shave november meme, pls no bully.

>>3541 10/10

>>3539 It's legit. You are delusional if you think a girl will give you sex and loyalty if you aren't at least that good looking. If you look any worse, she will maybe let you be a beta provider and emotional tampon at best

>>3543 im not that good looking and have had perfectly fine relationships in the past and sex. you just are probably making excuses. lots of celebrities are worse than thay and goofy looking and it wasnt like they were virgin losers before becoming celebrities. Just look around you and you will see couples who arent that attractive, or where the guy is far less attractive.

I cheated on my girlfriend 7 months ago and she consistently reminds me how soykafty of a person for it basically daily. I am getting really tired of it and close to breaking up with her. It's a bummer, but it is becoming toxic (or it has been for a while now). It wasn't really cut and dry cheating either. I was traveling for 3 months alone in another continent and things were falling apart between us rapidly. At the end of it I drunkenly made out with a girl and broke up with my girl a week later before I even saw her again. then spent another month traveling and partying and hooking up with random people before returning home. Then I did mdma with my ex, we got back together, but things have yet to normalize. maybe I am a peice of soykaf for expecting things to be good, but I am not going to just be cool with her acting bipolar and crazy at me all the time. I am going on a trip with her over christmas, and I think that will be a big deciding point on if this will work long term. If things arent better on vacation i am out for good.

I fuarrrked up. I fell in love with someone last year, kept safely enticing her for a while but after a few weeks I confessed and asked her out. I got refused because she had a boyfriend. I was ready to bury it that at that point, but for some reason we just kept talking, we talked for 6 hours that night and it was one of the best conversations I ever had. For a while I kept hoping she would change her mind and we would start dating, but I gradually accepted that it won't happen. I thought it through, and realised that I never really had someone who I got this close to in just a few weeks. My feelings will fade anyway, why not just be friends - I thought, and it sounded very rational. Still does. Except a year passed, and they didn't. If anything they are just stronger now since its no longer just attraction, but also some weird form of loyalty that probably comes from my tribalist mindset. She became a very integral part of my life and I'm honestly fine with not having a physically intimate relationship, I get pretty much everything out of this of what I'd want from my partner. But she has a boyfriend, and its serious. There is absolutely no way our friendship will last longer than a few more years. We will graduate uni one day, and she will move to his city, and I will emigrate from this soykafty country, and then maybe we can meet up every few months. I accepted this but it still hurts so much. Whatever happens, the conclusion will always be that I'm left alone. I want to be angry at someone, but nobody is in the wrong.

>>3543 I'm so glad I don't live on whatever horrible backwater planet you do.

>>3535 Thanks lainon. I've been trying to take steps towards going to therapy but I'm still really anxious about it. I think it'll be really hard for me to open up. But I have started exercising very recently and I have been getting better sleep the last week or so. Didn't stop me from having some sort of anger and anxiety induced attack on Saturday but hopefully I can move past that. Ugh God I'm so anxious all the time

How much of a cunt must I be to have basically 0 romantic interactions at all at 21. For fuarrrks sake for everybody else it's like breakfast. I've gone through the options too and I can't win this one since I don't love anybody and never have. It's fuarrrked

>>3574 its alright. the thing is a lot of people just put themselves out there even knowing they are a "bad" person and as a result attract other soykafty people or people who find their bad traits attractive. Ive gotten horribly hurt because I admired stuff in someone most people saw as negative. Your soykafting on yourself a lot saying youve never loved anyone and I think you just never reached out cause you care about other people actually and want to be perfect for somebody youd love. Thats a big assumption but I dont know think about it and see if it applies to you. The issue is at some point you do have to be like, what can other people do for ME a bit. And you just have to put yourself out there flaws and all, somebody will love you for your horrible personality traits as well as your good ones. The girl im seeing right now seems to only like me for my bad ones which kind of is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Take as much time as you need to to self develop though, but also realize jumping into a relationship does help you develop a lot during and after. Thats another thing, a lot of people were messing around in highschool and middle school where if your not very self critical you can honestly get girls even if your just an asshole. Thus they developed over that time, where it sounds like you didnt and neither did I. I know im lacking in relationship experience so I try to approach each new one now as a way to learn and I kinda put myself out there even though I dont like myself. I know all of them probably wont work out but its whatever. Hopefully this helps.

Something is terribly terribly wrong with me, and for the life of me I cannot figure out what. Everyone I try to talk to seems to neither listen, understand, believe me, or care. I'm terrified. I have no Idea what to do. Nobody listens or believes me. Every time I dig deeper I find another piece of the truth. As far as I know, I am kind of crazy. Psychologists diagnosed me as schizoaffective bipolar type, but I don't believe this explains everything, that is, I think they are wrong. I don't know what is wrong, but I do know that I am very very sick, both physically and mentally. No one seems to be supportive of me. I have some good ideas of what might be wrong. I feel like soykaf every day. I feel like I am getting dumber. I don't even know how to explain this soykaf. Something is terribly terribly wrong. I think my family plays a role in this too. I think I am a victim of some sort of abuse, but the funny thing is I can't remember a lot of it. All I have is the psychological damage from it. I think I have some amnesia from it. I have no idea what is wrong.

>>3576 I can hardly cope with the stress of this mystery. Every day my risk of ending up in jail or prison goes up. I wish I knew how to explain this to someone.

>>3576 Tell me what you can, lainon, even if you fail to communicate it I promise you will at least be listened. Perhaps we can figure it out.

Rough edges must be either cut off or abraded away

>>3575 >Your soykafting on yourself a lot saying youve never loved anyone nah I'm not. There's people I'm kind of attracted to but nothing more than that Also the experience thing is true which makes soykaf worse. It's like a time issue as well

Lately I feel awfully alone. I have some friends but they are more like let's grab a beer from time to time type of friends. I had very good contact with some of them but they have found boyfirends and girfriends and obviously don't hung out with me like before. I feel like I'm getting older and absolutley nothing changes in my life, it's going nowhere. I would like to be in a relationship too but don't really know how and where to meet new people. I like spending time with others and now most of my time I spend alone in my room and it's killing me. It's kinda funny because in the past I thought that I like being alone and now I can't stand it. I feel so overwhelmed by the loneliness and can't see any way out of it. When I was younger I have spent most of my time in front of computer so I don't really have very good social skills and often feel awkward around new people. Also I'm afraid of rejection and it's the second reason I have problems with building any closer relationships.

>>3581 I know that feeling. I moved in with a friend and it's helped a lot. Not really sure what to do here. These things usually require a lot of luck.

I feel really guilty for not going to any societies at uni after promising a friend I would. I ended up refunding my membership to one of the societies because I didn't hear about it. The film society is doing a session on Monday but I've never been before and it'll be really awkward showing up mid-way through due to a class that's on while it starts. I feel like such a disappointment. Other than leaving for classes I've stayed in my room pretty much all semester. At this point I don't think it's worth joining any societies because groups will already be established in them, and it's not like going to them is convenient because I live with my parents and my classes are on another campus. I don't even feel bad about not going to any, at the moment I need to focus on getting good grades and trying to get work experience, I just feel awful because I've broken a promise and not tried hard enough for my friend.

>>3469 Someone speaks about what they enjoy and it is generally about a confrontation of someone who confuses them. This has happened multiple times, and I see this as people needing somewhat of a connection but also we being social creatures even though biological. We need things in social times. I think the start is biological because of how animalistic people actually are and the ones who say they are better than others. I don't know how to explain it.

I want to know what the deal is with traps anyway. The passing ones are what get me. I want nothing to do with their male parts(I wish they werent there at all) but I'd be lying if I said some of them dont have attractive bodies.

Most people in this thread feel depressed or miserable, here's some anger to mix things up. Sorry for the rude outburst, I'm typing straight from my head. My situation isn't hopeless or terrible, it's quite good actually. But by being in such a nice situation, it irks me even more. I was/still am that weirdo dude in middle and high school. My interests didn't match up with other people (literature, dreams, computers, visual novels and old anime) so it was always quite hard for me to find friends with similiar interests. I wanted to change that, obviously. I started Compsci this term and it's going great, I love it. It's defnitely hard but I'm ready to work for it. When it started we had some sort of 'Introduction course' where you can meet other people and learn a few fundamental skills that will be useful later (we just fuarrrked around with python) and I met a lot of people by helping since I already know how to program. I thought I found a bunch of peers where I fit in better. They're obviously interested in IT related stuff. Some watch anime, almost everyone plays vidya. Cool Well apparently I suck at judging people. There's one guy who helped me with the first math homework to return me helping him with Python and some other dude he knew went along and in good circumstances, a friendship would nicely flow from that, everything would be fine and dandy and this thread had one post less. Alas, here I am about to start talking soykaf about these two losers. Now they're good when it comes to uni stuff (at least, one of them) but they are the most boring and egocentrical people I have ever met. They are filled with, what I would deem as, the worst traits a human can have. They have zero passion, they don't give a soykaf about anyone else and don't dare to do anything. I wanted to be more social, I proposed going out every now and then, you know, after Uni stuff is done, just grab a beer in a nearby bar or drink at a cafe during a break. I did so with many other people who started Compsci this fall too, it was nice with those. But well those other two always refused. After uni is done, straight home. Well, they must have something they're busy with, I thought, part time work, creative stuff possibly or friends to hang out with. Well, soykaf no they go home to watch Netflix. Everyday. Just consumption. They would rather sit at home endlessly staring at some american media bullsoykaf than do something fun. Some older students doing their masters or finishing their bachelors sometimes organize stuff for the freshman. Small parties where only the computer geeks are invited, just to get the ball rolling between us. They never went there. I asked them if they'd come and the most I got was 'Maybe, I'll think about it' This might sound like I dislike introverted people or anything like that but no! This is quite a different case, they refuse to do anything but. I dare say that every NEET, shut in and friendless person has something else, these fuarrrks don't. I also would have empathy with someone who simply lacks social skills but they don't lack social skills, they lack a personality. They even seem to refuse themselve to think or to dream, even just in theory. Hell, we all imagine writing a book, directing a movie or creating a game, except these two guys. Ask them anything about a creative endevaor, they don't care about it. They don't want to, sounds stressful, not enough time. Sure, sounds realistic, but that's not the point of imagination. Just think about what you would do if you had the skills, the time they money. In like a year or two we might be good enough to create our own game engine or build some other neat stuff just for fun and profit. That normally gets every normal person dreaming about how they're going to make the next big thing, some super tight soykaf that will get them millions or make life easier or stuff like that. Unrealistic dreaming like that is wonderful! It shows how much creativity there is inside people and reflects their personalites very well. Ok that was quite a load but here is the one concrete reason for writing out my feelings. They don't leave me alone anymore. If you read my paragraph above you will know by now that I dislike them thoroughly. So much that the best advice would be 'just don't interact with them anymore' and I would love to follow that. But for some terrible reason, they flock to me now, probably because they don't have anyone else. I'm not even nice to them anymore, I don't talk or start conversations (I'll probably start pulling out a book in the future) I mean, the two guys together would be a dream team. One of them can't deal with being wrong and is full of soykaf and the other doesn't say anything most of the time (he smells bad too). Short interlude: that guy who can't stand being wrong gets so mad at me for being a better programmer and calling him out for doing dumb soykaf like creating a global variable and putting that into your function just so you don't have to use the 'return' I just told you would get the job done in a nonretarted way. I hate them and I swear to Christ, if they sit down next to me on Monday during Math, I won't even look at them or even acknowledge their presence. Have glasses

>>3599 Hey if you ever wanna talk or whatever.

>>3600 I really understand I really kinda dislike hanging out with people like them, they just seem so "lifeless", but hey! they are people too and having a really stress free, no expectations, kinda people is also good; you just goof around about whatever and that's it, it's very hard to find real creative people, the kinda people that gives you a click in the head and a spark in the heart, if I were you (not that you asked hehe) I would give the dudes a little bit of a chance, invite them again, but be a little bit more pushy, remind them, tell them about the great time you will have with them, if that doesn't work just cut them off, you will find some friends in time, specially with such interesting hobbies and personality. Best of luck anon I'm sure you will do good!!

>>3602 oh also I'm high and english isn't my first language, made some mistakes there hahah

>>3599 I'm into traps too but only those with really feminine body (which doesn't mean big tits) however I like male parts too. It's kinda a surprise for me because I was never into guys and I am seriously not able to watch for example gay porn, also don't really like to see men in straight porn and usually prefer to be around women. I think that what draws me to them is the fact that they have both male and female elements at the same time. Somehow it's very appealing to me but at the same time I feel a little strange with this. I'm not sure what does it say about my orientation I have never met any trans IRL so I'm not even sure how would I react during a conversation or anything else but I believe it could be an interesting experience >>3601 I would be happy to talk but I don't think that this is an appropriate place

>>3600 To be honest, maybe this is projection but I dont think it is, I don't think most people here especially on this board belong in CS. I had a whole post typed out where I explained why STEM fields especially CS possibly just by nature and also how they are viewed today attract uncreative, boring people. If you want or think thats false I can type it again, and keep in mind im not talking about most people here, I think most people here have very creative visionary reasons for doing CS. Possibly the only similarity is being judgemental, being raised by the internet can make one very judgemental, and causes you to shoehorn people into groups or put people down for doing things you see as obviously cringy or stupid. CS majors tend to be like this by nature, they often chose the field because its safe, and its valued in society thus they feel more valuable. They know things other people don't. On average, they are going to be boring because not being boring sometimes involves risking being economically or societally shunned, or invaluable. Aside from the interesting genius losers in CS its a lot of people who were never the wild cool kid, nor the loner reject. I hate to stereotype people, but I hope you know the type im talking about. My roomate who I get along with, laugh with, is a prime example. And when ive described the type to other people they get it instantly. His interests are CS, video games, sports, dnd. He only listens to the most popular radio music. He has no interest in art. His idea of a good time is a party where people are just drinking and maybe smoking weed, listening to said music. His favorite resturaunt is olive garden. Hes awkward, but normal and confident enough to not be hated. Likes superheros. His conversations are boring. His favorite movies are all half comedy college frat dramas with a stereotypical love interest. Generic tastes in beauty. Politically says hes liberal but laughs at the most stupid unwitty racist or sexist jokes (think "lol black ppl" type soykaf), and doesnt really care anyways. All of these things indivudally maybe arent the worst so don't go "wait thats not bad" or "im like that". Its the collective. Im just painting a picture. I already know this isnt anyone here probably. I was a CS major and switched to fine arts and design. Sure some of them are overly political, dress in hot topic, are a bit awkward, but they all have something interesting in them. Their art, their perspective, etc. I may end up homeless, and a drain on my society and family, but I would go through hell and back just to meet some of the people ive met and experience the things I have. Again possible projection, but in andifferent society where art was more valued and acceptable, I feel the people on this board would not be nearly as isolated and depressed. Instead of growing up on this STEM track, itd be a different one. And I hope you can realize its not too late. Maybe youve never drawn or played music in your life, because you are the CS guy, but its never too late to start, and I think youl thank yourself. Just know there is a whole world of people and things that could forever change you outside of this, is it worth the risk for you? Who knows whats inside of you, you might not even know. Im not trying to say I did this therefore its right for all of you guys, just consider it. If tommorow you could be a rockstar, a rapper, an artist, a sculptor, would you be happier or at least more interested and assign more meaning to lifethen if tommorow you could own a tech startup or be working for your company of choice? I dont think any of you were meant for the normal straight path, you came to this weird alternative site, of a subclass of alternative sites, based around an experimental artsy foreign animation. Were you meant for more than just what you can do with your brain, just because others cant do it? What about what you want to do with it? Im typing this in a rush a bit, but I had to get it out before being productive.

>>3605 also I know its not plausible for everything to be the things I said. But if your goal isnt to transcend mortality using your CS knowledge, would you die happy knowing you tried?

>>3600 >Some older students doing their masters or finishing their bachelors sometimes organize stuff for the freshman. Small parties where only the computer geeks are invited, just to get the ball rolling between us. wtf that sounds amazing, we had nothing like that in my school.

>>3605 This post convinced me to switch from a CS/math dual major to math major and CS minor. Maybe not what you were intending but CS is easier and less interesting, and I find enlightenment and beauty in mathematics. Ty lain ;)

ignore this post, let it float on by. another piece of detritus i will pollute the internet with in a vain attempt to find meaning in this world. i wonder how much longer i'll continue to force other people online to listen to my problems? i don't know what i'm doing wrong yet at the same time i feel i'm missing something so obvious child would get it. oh well.

>>3612 nobody is being forced lain! we all love you!

I have developed this strange theory on confidence. In a 1-on-1 confrontation, it doesn't seem to matter how awkward I am or how socially stiff the other person is. As soon as I see a single crack on the other side I get this immense surge of confidence. I go from a stumbling baboon with certain people, to a calm and collected guru with others. Maybe this is just me coming to grips with the fact that I'm actually confident in real life.

>>3612 The sadness that's sucking you dry, is what empowers others. People helping people. We're social creatures after all. Try changing something, even if it's minor. Beating yourself up because you haven't solved a magical equation isn't going to make things any better.

The sins of my past and the pain a few people have caused me still immobilize me one year later. I find it impossible to move on, even when there's so much riding on me being able to succeed where I'm at right now. I feel like I've failed so many people, but at the same time, I feel betrayed and like I deserve way better. I'm caught between nihilistic self-hatred and absolute narcissism, and I don't know how to vent to anyone around me since I'm almost positive they would never understand me. I think the easiest thing to do would be to move far away and start again with a simple, lonely existence, but even if I had the opportunity to do that, I wouldn't have the will for it. That's my biggest issue: I have so much difficulty motivating myself to do anything nowadays. I'm honestly surprised I've made it this far without dying randomly yet.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not special and I probably won't have a very interesting or enjoyable life. I would say that I won't kill myself because of the pain it would cause to my family but that's not really true. I'm also not sure it's because I'm a "pussy" although that's probably nearer to the truth. I think the truth is that I am so used to feeling sad that I have learned to like it. Or rather, the amount of effort it would take for me to "get my life together" seems worse to me than being depressed but lazy. I don't think anyone likes people like me.

>>3644 I like people like you, Lain, because I feel solidarity with you. I think that's part of the reason I browse this chan so much.

Hello my lains, its me, myself again, drunk and manic depressive as usual. I have a rough time ahead of me, winter is coming and it seems i am forced to go cold turkey. I have spent all my money on cigarettes and booze and the chance that i will get more is slim. Somehow with some miracle i was able to go by trough the year more intoxicated than sober, i enjoyed it, a bit too much, which makes me going dry more desperate. More or less either way i am forced to quit, even if i dont want to, this begs the question if it is worth living sober, i dont believe it myself. Either way suicide is not an option for me personally, for some time i thought it was the odd influence of others to make me not chose to off myself but now i know that its not truth, its my own choice for reasons that are personal and quite frankly insane, even for standards of most here. My delusional and depersonalization episodes have come to a new height, a friend of mine suggested i might have developed schizophrenia by now too. The real seams as unreal as ever and the unreal as real as ever, the more things make sense, the less i understand and somehow the other way round too. I lost all track of what is going on and i think i never will find it again, but i believe thats ok. The one thing i regret is letting my relationships deteriorate, i made some great friends over the past that nobody can ever expect and i feel unworthy of those, but that is how it is and i accept that and do the best to just try be whatever i can be of me, if there is such a thing still. Yet i feel so disconnected, perhaps it is because i lost track of who i am and my role in all of this. Most of the time it seems like i see myself as someone foreign and oddly enough the recursion increases. Or perhaps it is because somehow each of us seems set on our own path yet ignore the whole picture, but i remain longing to have someone with whom i can have direct connection, it seems like i wore a mask for so long that i forgot who i am. That includes this place, this is a great community even though i neglected it, i can sympathize and empathize with most of you and your endevours. I am scared and lonely, but most of all confused, no less i somehow came to believe that all of our suffering and hurt have a good reason, perhaps most of us will never understand it or even get to have their suffering compensated, including me, but no less im somehow confident that you and me take an important part in all of this without any of us knowing. Technology and civilization has done both good and bad, but despite all of this we become something more than what we are, beyond good and bad. Perhaps that is because it and us really all is connected. I dont know what it is that we are or what we will become, but i intend to hold out long enough until i can find out. Its a damn shame so many of us have to suffer like this, i might say you deserve better, but perhaps we should suffer because we are better and have more capacity to turn it to something good, im not sure really. I dont take this lightly, i know how it is to be completely down in the dumps down to your last breath. It would be stupid to assume all of us make it, but even if just two of us manage it to somehow make something good out of this reality i might be happy, because now i know i dont want to be alone. I might have gone completely insane but i think all of us here have potential and a path even if we dont see it yet. Right now reality seems like a strange mozaic of abstract causalities where i can no longer make it what is me and what isnt. I feel like a piece of driftwood cought in a never ending overflown river. Perhaps reality only exists in our minds, though i never end questioning how it manifests. If there is no reason to all of this, then looking for reason is the next best thing you can do. Maybe im going completely insane, maybe im on to something, i dont know, only time will tell. But despite, or tather because of the suffering behind and more importantly, i intend to do whatever passes as my best and try not to get sucked up by crippling depression and hopelessness, if i can avoid it. Hang in there my friends cuz i dont want to have fought trough this damn reality to find out that im the only one.

>>3658 You write pretty well for a drunk. Jumpy, but decipherable. You talk about a path and that we should suffer, so that we realize our capacity. Which I agree with. "I feel like a piece of driftwood cought in a never ending overflown river." I think your right on track (read : "path"). Live has just made you forget that. Do you play chess, or something like that ?

>>3660 Thank you for your compliment, i think i have a good talent for writing, but my "artistic" way of perceiving things makes it a bit hard to arrange things meaningful. And i can tell you i had plenty of practice writing drunk and even worse states, not to mention doing other mental tasks. Yes i am certain i have a fixed path, but it feels like running in the dark most of the time, there is a certain charm to living on the edge, but i would wish for a little stability and some more pivot points in live. Its been a while since i played chess, i probably should.

>>3658 We all love you, anon.

>>3472 It's somewhat worse thinking that every conscious living bean is going through the same thing. I almost get more depressed thinking I'm not an hero upon whom the whole world depends to save them. The bullsoykaf you tell yourself sometimes..

I'm tired of being a virgin. I'm tired of not having a girlfriend. I'm tired of not being able to trust people with my feelings. I'm tired of watching porn and being a skinny boy. I'm also sick to the bone of not caring about soykaf. It fills me with anger when I walk into my room and see it messy because I didn't care or when I see a project unfinished because I stopped caring. Apathy really is a person's worst enemy. I'm 25 years old and I feel like I should be further along in life. I'm pissed.

>>3662 Try it ! Even if it's just against a computer on easy. I think it can help you a lot. Maybe we can play someday (I'm very bad though), if you want.

I always wanted an explanation as to why sexually and just always I like being hurt and dominated. I dont like to talk about it, only my close friends know and my gf but she wont indulge it. Other people know but I pass it off like its just a minor fetish/kink thing and usually as a joke. I was watching things about sibling rivalry and this is the only explanation I can think. I had a cousin who was older and she always was kind of pushing me around in a sibling kind of way. But she was always in charge and id do anything she said usually. She left right when I started puberty. I noticed I don't like straight up being called names and stuff, I like to still be loved and cared for. I just like being pushed around, the being hurt thing might just be because I started cutting myself around puberty too. But being pushed around and what not. Other thing is im not sexually attracted to my cousin, in fact I can't for some reason get intimate with white girls which she was. I literally can't, Il go flaccid.That wasn't always true though. Only slowly after she left as well. Its funny cause its really not a big deal, she moved away. On the other hand she was like my sibling and we spent every day together, so itd be like if I had my sister whod been around since my birth taken away at 12 so im also not surprised. And im probably to this day seeking someone who will normalize me again by being that female figure I have respect for and who will straighten me out, because once my cousin left I spiraled down. I remember we both were incredibly sad with the parting, but she dealt with it better even though at the start she was far more upset by it. That might be why, she got it out and I kind of suppressed it. I just remember having this intense hole of just loneliness I could not fill. I started spending all day in chat rooms, I never was not talking to someone online once I was home because I didn't want to feel alone. I remember trying to play video games by myself which is something I always did with her and I would almost start crying. Why bother if she can't see what im doing. Thats still true, I rarely play video games unless they are online or I have someone to talk with it about because I don't see a point otherwise. There was too big major turning points in my life so far. The first was that, the first was in college freshman year I had a friend who im only now realizing was like my cousin. She was like a big sister and we would jump on eachother and play around like young kids almost. Then she took it in a sexual direction. Then she left, giving me that same feeling, but its also when I realized subconsciously "Oh, I can get a girlfriend like that and she can make me whole again, everything will be fine". I later attatched this same kind of big sister respected archetype to another girl, only to find out she actually liked me and saw me as the grounding figure in her life which scared me. I think I scare other girls away with this, ive been told im just a very calm grounded person, and probably because I paint every girl I love in this light it flips things around and they dont like it. But also after meeting that aforementioned girl is really when I started changing my life from lonely awkward weird internet kid to something more, because I had a goal finally, I could do something about my loneliness. Even my career interests are geared towards sort of showing myself off as much as possible in hopes someone will like me enough to want to "own" me. In actuality, things might only be okay when I repair things with my cousin. Nothing ever bad happened we just stopped talking. I think she saw it as a lack of care from me when really I thought theres nothing to do about it, its over. The last few times ive seen her ive been able to open up more, I hope I can tell her one day without making her feel bad how much i really missed her and why I never made efforts to stay in contact. I think its key to maybe beating this pervasive loneliness. She and my mom are really my only family I like, everyone else is so fuarrrked up. Knowing she is still around and someome I can visit would mean a lot to me.

>>3699 wow I really fuarrrked up. *TWO major points, first was... SECOND was... im coming down off coke so sorry if anythibg else doesnt make sense. futher evidence too I need to get my soykaf together.

Feel like I have so many things to do, but I'm failing to properly define any of them. And instead of failing to define that list for the umpteenth time I'm procrastinating before a non-existent deadline.

I have problems with indecisiveness, apathy, and keeping my word. I guess I could tie these under the more general issue of not being "centered", of not being able to stick to something and do it regardless of difficulty. It's like my own comfort zone gets subverted and so I get so irritated that I stop doing whatever I was supposed to be doing. Now this reflects pretty well in my environment. My employer has similar (but perhaps even worse) issues, and after 3 days of not seeing her, she was just starting to work on the same, very simple task she had 3 days ago. She barely pays me anything and does it with great delay. I get terribly irritated by this and let mysef just wander in indecision between several topics at home, not having the guts to stick to a single project and work at it. I download a soykafload of books and I read none, I switch between my little devices each with it's own very annoying limitations, and my purism keeps me from doing any significant work anyway. Where I live, I don't get any sunlight, I wake up really late, and whenever my roomies start smoking weed I do so too, even though I don't enjoy it most of the time. Since they hang out next to my room, I can't help but feel distracted whenever they are there, and I can't even sleep if they're around. I don't know how to deal with this last part, though in every other respect I know what I ought to do yet I don't do it. I believe it's a self-imposed issue to avoid actualy getting any work done and being responsible for myself. Though I am ultimately the only responsible for my actions and shortcomings. I get very anxious about making a living that I leave my projects unfinished simply because I never know if they're going to be even remotely profitable. There are some things I would like to be doing but because I'm socially inept and generally very stupid and lazy when it comes to work, I can't even get a simple job doing whatever I have to be doing. Ultimately, my knowledge in these fields is very basic..... Now that I seem to have pinpointed the source of my soykafty way of life, I don't know where I would get started. I though that by moving to the city I woud be able to find something, but I've failed to keep my promise as it regards to some jobs I've been offered, and for the rest, I really don't know where I would give the first step. Indecisiveness comes back and a myriad of topics just tries to be the main topic, but I already know I am soykaf at sticking to one thing. I would like to take one book, one topic, and read it through, but a soykafload of other information catches my interest and I daydream about how great it would be to get gud at this one thing and make a living out of it, and so I move onto this new topic only for the cycle to repeat. I also seem to have grown some dependence on some resources while at the same time realizing that those resources are often not available or will be at some point and..... I mean, fuarrrk, how do I get out of this loop?

>>3723 What is it, I wonder? I need to get myself working, and at least all my current problems would be in their way for a solution. Yet I can't bring myself to work. I get distracted by my own mind, it's like I have a switch and everytime I start doing something to change my situation I sabotage myself. It's not the what or even the how, but the actually fuarrrking doing it. I would really like to know how I can break out of the loop... I mean... yes, get something done, whatever it is, finish something. Ignore my own mind when it starts telling me I ought to do something else? Can I really do that?

>>3724 >>3723 I guess many people here have similar problems, including me. Work on your concentration. I believe that because of the internet, our concentration skills are non existent and we always switch from one thing to another just like we always switch between pages. Some of my friends who didn't spend their childhood on the net don't have such strong issues with that. Maybe meditation would be useful. I tried it for some time but of course I quit however I want to go back to practising The worst thing is that most of the stuff I have to do is on the computer and on the net so I can't really avoid it like some people suggest, as a main source of distractions.

Do people really like keeping pictures of hapoy times and family photos and what not? To me it just reminds me that I won't have that moment again, and that things aren't that happy anymore. There is so many little things everyone does that I feel disconnected from because my mom wasn't really "normal" either. Also despite being super empathetic, for some reason i'm just kind of selfish in conversation. See I always talk by just sharing, because when other people share I share. So im awful at asking quedtions and making the person feel valued because I think a lot of the time me sharing comes off as just me talking when really im hoping by sharing they have something similar they want to share. I worry about asking questions a lot of the time for fear of making the other person uncomfortable or angry. I am terrified of confrontation for some reason even temporarily, ive slowly trying to push out of that. Some sketch guy the other day was talking to me and I was kind of faking interest and just agreeing with him. Then he got this tone like he thought I was making fun or talking down to him, in a way I guess I was. Still ive never had just a random older person on the street realize what I was doing. At that point I got pissed, Im trying to make you feel reassured and stay out of your way and you aren't accepting it. He was being a dick to this guy working at a fast food window and was getting all loud when the guy asked me to show my id like "thats so fuarrrked up why do you gotta do that" he was also pissed the worker was staring at him, when hes obviously coked out and its 2 am. so i just said that he was wrong and the guys doing his job. i really admire people who are just disrespectful if they feel like it and confrontational. it causes a lot of conflict in me because id like to be like that, but my normal instinctual reaction is to be very respectful and not step on toes. This really causes conflict when I feel im being fake by doing so. Say I really don't like the person, and am still nice to them upfront. My conscious says, if someone you talk soykaf about talks to you you can't just be all respectful. My test if im being honest and upfront with someone is usually that if someone else told said person things I said would they be surprised. If the answers no I feel okay, if its yes I feel like im fake. Ive gotten better about telling people off if I dont like them or what they said, but still when it comes to someone I like I become someone with no ideals or opinions almost and anything they say is true. There is certain things where there isn't the case, some things I stringly have morals in. But overall I think ive gotten kind of weak. I also just dont think quick enough sometimes to decide whether im okay with what someone said. People think im super calm cause I rarely ever get angry, in actuality I know if I do il quiver, uncontrollably cry, and not be able to focus. That or be violent. So im not really calm because im just calm im just terrified of getting in that staye because in the past people have thought of me as weak or made fun of me for crying in arguments when I actually cant control it. I only argue if I know i will completely push the other person down, because peoples words really affect me so if someone just unloaded on me I might not be able to handle it. I feel like with thos confideent confrontational people they dont see things like that, worst comes to worst they shout at the other person or insult them and then move on. But im not like that, I might be shocked by what someone says and then start to power down so to speak. the only positive thing to this is it makes my anger more genuine. the few times something has upset me everyone around tends to go out of their way to help me fix it. but i also usually only get angry when i feel 100% justified or attacked so they could also just know im right to be angry.

>>3729 Are you super empathetic though ? You say rather talk about yourself and it seems you just don't have enough courage to really interrupt people. Don't lie to yourself. Dig deeper and look if you really give a fuarrrk about other people. Because if you don't, that's perfect. Use that anger about your new found self to drive your confidence and be that disrespectful person. If you're still not sure, think about why you don't want to be disrespectful.

>>3729 When I read posts like this I sit for a moment and think "Was I drunk lately and don't remember writing this?" Because everything you wrote is true for me a well so I can understand your pain However as >>3730 wrote, it's important to dig deeper. Some time ago I realised that often when I disagree with someone or have different opinion in any matter I choose to agree with them because I don't really care about them and I don't give a fuarrrk what they think so any discussion would be a waste of time. It's simply easier to agree. The problem is when you are in a group of people with different opinions and have to choose which side to take. On the other hand when I care about someone and about what they think, some close friends for example, I really like to discuss with them on every topic, sometimes I deliberately take the opposite side even if I agree with them, just so we could discuss and argue. I feel strange with being like this because sometimes I don't really know who I am or what I think, is it really me this time or I simply pretend because it's easier or maybe it's just for fun. I would like to have some conrete ideals and thoughs and opinions, that would make me feel like a complete person, now I feel like I have couple of different personalities and it's hard to sustain only one for a long time.

Time for another vent session. Just a couple days back I vented about indecisiveness and my solution was that I needed to fix on a project and work at it and keep my focus. Well, here I am, unable to pick a project because nothing seems interesting, I keep debating in my head what is at all worthwhile and nothing seems to be all that interesting. Quite frankly, I also remember that I'm quite stupid, and that narrows down my perspectives as to the kind of work that I could be doing, why the fuarrrk did I pick computers out of everything else? Not only am I stupid, I have no skills with which to sustain myself, neither do I have any certificates that I can use to get a job..... I only wonder why the fuarrrk I can't even concentrate on a single technology or project that I can keep myself busy with... I think it boils down that I'm too utterly stupid to tackle any of it. And I am just starting to realize that, that I am too ambitious yet too stupid. It's not like I lack resources, it's just that I'm probably just not up to it. Yet there is nothing else I can think of that'll get me out of this rut. I know I should sit my ass down and start writing, develop something, yet again the same set of problems arise, the same indecisiveness that keeps me from even making the first decision. Nothing suits me and ultimately, I don't think I am able to do any of this. Why can't I enjoy this any more? Where did I stop having any real interest for this and start directing myself by opinions which are not even mine to begin with? I can't even shake them off, I can't "forget" what I've heard already, yet I have no personal experience of this stuff to back it up. I wish I could just blame it on the ludmouths who keep berating everything but ultimately it's me who is unsatisfied by everything. I remember reading about the inability of the ego to fulfill it's desire for an optimal situation, yet I want to do something meaningfu and nothing seems to be so. I understand there is a great deal of legwork required but I can't even see the light ahead and I'm not as resourceful as I wish I were, I am too dumb to make a path or to pick a direciton at all.... Worse is that I can't seem to get out of this rut neither can I seem to find anything else to do. Ultimately, technology is the only thing that seems fun enough to do, at all, and which seems to have some sort of tangible beauty that I can use. Yet when it comes to applying it seems like every possible outcome is too far for me to even make an attempt. I'm just too stupid and generally unable to do anything at all.

>>3730 well im empathetic in the sense i feel others pains and happiness. in fact while im pretty sure im empathetic im not so sure im very sympathetic.

>>3469 My house caught fire today... not sure how to deal with that yet

>>3748 Is it completely destroyed or was it just minor fire?

>>3748 That's awful. I hope you and your family (or whoever it is you were living with) are doing fine.

My entire life I've always been known as a "smart guy" because I have good problemsolving skills, am good with people in terms of delegation and leadership, and am tech-savvy enough to know the tools needed to solve problems. But recently I've been having trouble with motivation in order to further the skills I want to get better at. I understand from experience that getting better at anything is a matter of spending time on it over a period of time. Someone that practices running once a week for 30 minutes lose in a race with someone that practices 30 minutes a day, 4 days a week. But now I've started to spend less and less time practicing what I need to. Let's say I want to work on this webapp that I've been working on in my spare time. Months ago I would have spent at least 5 days a week on it, even just 30 minutes a day, but now it's more like 1-2. Same with language practice. Instead I'll go on social media loops (HN->Lobste.rs->Reddit->4chan->youtube->HN), listen to dumb comedy podcasts, or watch TV instead of doing anything productive. I realize that the 2-3 hours I spend on these loops could be put into better things. Has anybody dealt with this lack of motivation before or know of ways to get in good habits?

>>3753 This is me as of late. But instead of watching TV and using Social Media, I read about biological AI and developing brain like machines. Computational neuroscience along with random philosophy from places around the web, Ill read anything other than stuff related directly to the work I am trying to do or that is actually due at some point in the near future. I have no idea how to get over this. Hoping it will just pass and I will get off my lazy ass and deal with the boring and annoying soykaf that is a stepping stone to greater things... Se' La' Vie'

Its less sad that a friend or a girlfriend leaves or doesnt love me. Whats more sad is that I value someones opinion of me more than I value myself, to the point where if they don't want me around i'd rather not exist. I post here a lot about things like that, but have started to feel like whats the point. from an outside perspective its just some guy whos upset over a girl, I couldn't quite put into words the idea that I knew it wasn't this one person its what I said above.

>>3764 I have similar problem and it's really sad. I know that I sould work on my self-esteem however it's hard for me to aknowledge that I'm accually worth something because of all those years form the past of being in the margin of every group. I wanted so hard to be independent from the other's opinion that I startd to reject every one of them which leads to the situation when nobody treats me seriously and I guess it's even worse now. And I'm not sure how to repair that if it's even possible.

I am stressed as fuarrrk when I have to make a phonecall. Doeas anybody have similar problem? I can freely talk with other people face to face, be funny and have no problem with that. But when I have to talk through phone I have anxiety attacks, I feel panicked and stressed. During the talk I often forgot what I wanted to say, I mix the words or can't feel when it's my turn to talk. When I know I will have to call someone I am thinking about it all day. I don;t know why I am like that and how to fight it. Any suggestions or similar experiences?

>>3765 It's possible, don't give up hope I guess. I've never been helped by assuming the soykafty situation I was in is just how life is, i'd rather think its salveageable even if it isn't because if there is a chance it is il never get there hy saying it isn't. Also when people say acknowledging the problem is the first step I agree. My brain tends to subconsciously start to move to fix things when I know there is an issue I have.

>>3675 I was going to make a new thread but decided against it. I am going to quit the waifu lifestyle. I'm dumping my harem of waifus. At first it was a joke but then I was actually having waifus unironically. I know it's a meme, but holy hell were waifus a mistake. It's okay to see attractive fictional characters as just that attractive, but to just unironically talk about how Holo is my waifu is just pure idiocy of the highest order. Thank god I never said that soykaf to anyone but my brother who I was just memeing with and he can be pretty cringe too though... So, no more waifus. I still enjoy sexy girls in my anime and vidya games but no more stupid waifu nonsense, it's clearly holding me back.

>>3739 >>3788

>>3545 Good luck on your trip. My advice is to break up with her, and don't let her rewrite the narrative of your relationship. Doesn't even exactly sound like you cheated on her. If I'm understanding correctly? Like, while y'all were still technically together the only thing you did was make out with one girl, didn't fuarrrk anyone till after breaking up?

I have a reputation for being a little weird and funny among friends. not weird as in i have a diaper fetish and carry a bodypillow around, weird as in like kind of artsy with weird tastes in things. I don't think its weird obviously, but I understand they do. I also know when im doing something maybe that most people would think is weird, im not unaware of whats normal. One thing that has always pissed me off more than anything else, is when im doing something I know is slightly weird, like maybe im making a weird ass clay sculpture or sewing a little pattern on some soykaf, or maybe just drawing something weird, and then a friend goes "what are you DOING?". Im talking im doing this soykaf in private and they just happen to be witnessing it, I dont act like a fuarrrking weirdo on the streets, and all they can ask is "what are you doing" with this slightly bewildered comedic tone like this is some fuarrrking sitcom and im supposed to stare back and say something funny. Im fuarrrking around with clay and paint, what are YOU asking exactly? do you mean why? Im not stupid or a smartass, i know they just what me to explain myself. thats the thing though I shouldnt have to. Im doing my own fuarrrking thing and your pulling me out of it, you dont need to know why im doing what im doing it doesnt concern you. Also maybe if they asked nicely id be more receptive. If say im doing gesture drawings of people on the street for an art assignment or in a museum I have no problem when strangers come up and look or even ask questions and make small talk, because they are interested and nice about it. They usually go "Oh that looks really good who are you drawing?" or even just "what are you drawing". Not HAHA WHAT ARE YOU DOING? this irritates me so much that when i hear it my first instinct is literally to say "fuarrrk off retard" or something similar. I usually don't and bite my tongue and say something like dont worry about what im doing worry about what your doing just to play along with their little ooh im weird soykaf. or sometimes i will snap back but because im really good at faking anger and do so often as a joke they think thats what im doing and i play it off like it is. am I wrong to get this angry over this? sometimes i worry i have anger problems and i never learned to cope with them because i just suppressed them so i wouldnt be made fun of, and now I cope with humor and self destructive behaviours. like just a second ago i have my head against the wall and people were shutting the doors a little too hard and it was vibrating my head and I wanted to pop out and yell. or sometimes when im just walking down the street il think of a scenario in my head by chance where someone makes me really angry, il get so angry just in my head I lose track of my actual body and realize im shaking, is that normal? like im talking about stuff that would really piss me off, not little things, usually when i think about the little things that piss me off later i realize how stupid it was for me to get angry about that. I mean i get visibly shaken thonming about say someone abusing me or someone I love. And thats not the part that makes me shake, what makes me start shaking and getting stuck in my head is thinking about what I would do to that person. Im absolutely terrified of being violent because never once have i gotten in a fight or actually like full on punched someone, and im always worried if I did id kill someone. not even because im crazy strong or a twizted psychopath i just dont know, its like a what if I did on accident or just lost it. Since a young kid I learned to deal with rage by taking it out on myself, it was funny at the time actually. When id get really angry and say was locked in my room for doing something bad as a very young child id hit my head against the wall over and over until it bruised. again funny at the time but looking at my behaviours now not so much. i know my way of dealing with soykaf isnt normal but is that amount of anger normal or do i get way too angry?

My order is taking so long to ship it's been 18 days why hasn't it come yet aaaaaaaaaaa

My SO keeps having awful days and I worry I'm not doing enough to support them. I don't want them to head down a downwards spiral, because they're doing much better than they thing they are. They just seem to be in an environment full of awful people and I think it's really grating on them. I'm visiting them in December, and I want everything to be fine them in the mental department for then. Is there anything I can do beyond cheering them on from the sidelines?

>>3842 i can give you advice from a point of failure. People are like little places, if a place is happy, empowering, motivates you to do better you will want to be there. If a place is the opposite you don't want to be there. Don't disregard their issues of course, but also don't indulge them. And be careful with advice, often people don't want advice, advice is usually unhelpful. Whats better is to be like "I notice x about you" or "when your around these people your mood seems worse". You want them to arrive at the solution on their own, because unless they revere you as a god simply telling them what to do wont work. If anything it will frustrate them and make them feel inadequate for not being able to. i have just lost my so 15 minutes ago, I broke it off, because instead of being someone that tried to brighten her day and get her out of her comfort zone i thought I was being good (being someone with my own issues) just letting her know shes not alone and i feel the same way a lot. Letting someone know they arent alone is half of it, the other half is also letting them know even though they arent alone they dont deserve to feel like soykaf and you will help them fight it.

i think im pretty enough to die now. but can my hands make something worth putting on my grave?

>>3825 > il think of a scenario in my head by chance where someone makes me really angry, il get so angry just in my head I lose track of my actual body and realize im shaking, is that normal? No I don't think it's "normal". I get this when I run out of money and go into alcohol and nicotine withdrawal. I tend to drink excessively for extended periods (days, weeks if possible) and get that type of dissociative episode when I stop suddenly. It's compounded by the anxiety that results from not having any cigarettes either.

I feel like I'm at the best i've ever been and the worse at the same time and I'm about to lose my mind. In the past 4 years I went from being a neet who failed a half-hassed suicide attempt to someone with a firm goal and clear existential ideals. I found out what I really wanted to do with my life and made tremendous progress towards it. I am self suficient. I have a girlfriend, which also happens to be the first serious romantic relationship in my life. I go out and follow courses to progress toward my goals, I do part time jobs as little as I can to sustain myself financially but maintain freetime that I put toward self improvement. I should be able to look at myself in a mirror and be somewhat proud or at least have a sense of acceptance with what was done but I just feel extremely tired about everything, tired of being myself or maybe it's tired of being at all. And It's not a one-off or now and then thing, it's this constant heavy exhaustion that doesn't really end. I have been asking myself constently what exactly am I tired about and the only echo I get back from my thoughts is that I'm tired of being alone. And yeah okay that makes no sense. Because I mean I'm not really alone, not at all. But when I face it I feel lonely as hell. It's an unwanted solitude but a different kind from the one from my neet era. It's a solitude not from isolation but more from alienation. I was closed off and locked away from the world. Now I'm open to the world, surounded by others but I feel more alone than I have ever before and it's driving me fuarrrking insane. I know have no reason to. I lost some parents too early in my life but I still have a decently loving family that did put up through my soykaf for long enough to show they care. I have two very close real life friends and a bunch of e-buddies I mostly used to play videogames with. There is my girlfriend too. But I feel a wall I can't break. I can talk about almost anything with them except this sense of alienation and difference, and even if I did they would just think I'm feeling a little bit down, it's hard to explain that no - not really it's much more. I've had depression in the past - from the time I clumsily tried to die - which led me to becoming a neet in the first place, but this feels nothing like it. I've got no clue where to go from there, and I have been finding myself almost wanting to go back to what I was because in a sense the neet loneliness was sometimes comforting and not unpleasant when I was focused on escapism. This one is opressing, heavy and hard to bear. Recently old neet habits and some addictions I have been working hard to remove (which I have done huge progress on up to now) have started to surface - things recently got shaky with girlfriend for no reason. I feel incredibly detached and away from humanity no matter how hard I try to connect with others, like trapped behind a glass pannel. I don't get it. I thought of therapy but after trying dozens in the past when depressed I am incredibly sceptical about their ability to help and they cost time and money. I really don't know. I'm just so tired, I want to keep going, to improve at what I do and decided to exist for, to become a better person but this is getting so heavy.

>>3846 I think you should realize its probably genetic or something put on you from a young age you may not be able to get rid of. Some people even if they are surrounded by people they love will still feel lonely. I think what you should do is realize when your feeling this that although you cant control it, that its just a symptom of something maybe depression or the like and make use of your more rational side of your brain and act above it. Thats hard to do, but its less hard then continuoualy searching for a cause that may not exist and ruining yourself.

I feel like nobody knows the real me. I have struggled socially all my life, and while i have improved with age, it has come at the cost of sincerity. I am an actor playing a part, and this role is not the real me. I am trapped in my head, alienated, and it hurts. I have gotten to the point where I hate myself, I hate how I dont know how to act or what to say, I hate that I feel so alone and feel so powerless to change it and find intimacy. I was born broken and every day social evolution is trying to weed me out.

>>3852 > I feel like nobody knows the real me My solution to that was to not try and change for anyone else's benefit but maybe not tell them about certain things all the time either. People who have known me long enough just understand, I've seen and done things that are outside of their daily existence or what they perceive as normal. If something comes up and is relevant, it makes an interesting story for them to hear but only if it's an occasional story and not just me rattling on constantly about how different my life has been.

>>3852 would you be surprised or not believe me that on average this is true for most people? i worked on this issue and have almost gotten rid of it, and when i talk with some of my friends they see this problem as a non issue. everyone is supposed to change based on the people they are around and are different in their brain then in actions. thats what they think, multiple people have told me this and also ive seen it expressed in therapy groups of which ive been to multiple of. but ive already spent so much time fixing it, il leave it be. am i happier for it? I dont know, but it wont make you any more normal il say that, if that is your goal.

>>3469 I have a deep and intricate pain in my soul- born of a hard-lived youth and too many adventures. Imagine feeling, right in the core of your being, that everyone is dead, and that all of this dance we call life is just the winding down of a beautiful clock. Now try and hear the song that's playing in the background of that realization. Sit in a crumbling bar on the outskirts of a dying town on the edge of slow apocalypse, and listen to that song being played by a used-up alcoholic piano prodigy while the most beautiful woman with the most beautiful voice in the world sings along- mere moments after receiving news of her lover's untimely death at the vile hands of cancer (the show must go on), and you sip your bourbon until your thoughts slide like a razor over glass. Wake up three months later in a dusty motel with nothing but a note saying "I can't do this anymore" smelling faintly of lavender and sex- pull up to the mirror, rub your three days' rough stubble and look yourself in the eyes. That sunk past-tense thud you feel somewhere behind your kidneys? Take that and distill it, add notes of mahogany and the opium den just backstage of jazz; store it in a dusty bottle buried in the rotting cellar of a plantation manse down the bayou- years pass, decades, some neighborhood kids break in on a dare, find it on a dare, dare you to drink it, and you do- because what else can you do? That feeling when it hits your throat- the feeling that you done f*ked up royal good? That's it- but it shifts now, and again, and it's something entirely different. All the time, change like the weather. A thousand facets of a cursed and priceless gem, serenely reflecting genteel horrors where once you saw only moonbeams.

>>3858 I hate being rude but type like a normal person and don't try to write prose.

>>3858 Aw geez and sometimes I think im being too dramatic when I type here. I don't really know what your trying to describe, alcoholism? Regardless the problem is your too dramatic and romanticize things. Thats the underlying problem to whatever it is going wrong with your life I guarantee it. The way you perceive yourself and how things are is movie like and not anything like the way the rest of the world does. for the record what you wrote wasn't poorly written, it was kind of interesting, but also very telling of a disconnect from reality because its about yourself.

>>3859 Fight me IRL, glitterboy- I'm here to process some heavy stuff, not to play to your delicate sensibilities regarding what does and does not qualify as "venting." >>3861 For the record, none of that's based on reality- it's not my story, it's a feeling. A horrid feeling that nothing fixes. My story's long, and f*ked up, and full of high drama you probably wouldn't even believe if I told you. Case in point: Many years ago, I met a girl. Love at first sight. Our eyes met, she walked up to me and said "we need to go on a date right now," we went to dinner, fell head over heels for each other, and I moved in with her for six months starting that very day. Our first kiss took place under a train bridge while a train rushed by overhead. We talked for hours every single day. We couldn't find anything to fight about, because we were that one-in-a-billion couple that truly are soulmates. Everyone who knew us was borderline freaked out about how compatible we were- I transformed from a broken man into someone filled with light. We drank tea and listened to Pink Floyd records. I even enjoyed doing laundry when it was with her. For that time, and only that time, I was truly happy. Not deliriously happy, not the kind of happy you see in movies; the kind of happy you'd feel after you've lived a long life and you're sitting on the front porch with nothing left to do but enjoy an iced tea and a sunset with your loved ones. Move forward six months- I'm planning to ask her to marry me on a Friday. That Wednesday she tells me she's fleeing the country to escape her student loan debt. So I don't propose. We end things. She goes away for a long time. I spend a year black-out drunk and nearly die multiple times trying to drink her memory away. I get sober. I have a mental breakdown from work-related stress. A thousand other stories happen. I somehow move my empty husk on in life. Years pass, and I'm travelling for work. Run into her entirely out of the blue- she's told nobody she's here, she's smuggled herself back into the country to meet with lawyers because she's marrying a wealthy tech guy who's in the process of making it all go away. I tell her I was planning on asking her to marry me before she left. She starts crying. I tell her it's ok and that I just wanted her to know. We spend a beautiful day together, just like old times. We watch the Star Trek movie we'd planned to watch before she left, and she falls asleep on the couch. Have you ever felt anything even approaching that level of pain? Can you conceive of it? Your true love- the person that whatever force exists in the universe put on the planet to complete your existence is sitting three feet away, and you can't even reach out and touch her face because she's betrothed? Knowing that whatever you do, you will never experience the one thing that makes you feel that life is worth living ever again? Could you swallow that pain and try to somehow savor every second of her presence while it lasted? Could you watch her drive away the next day, spend years trying to get over her, and then find out that entirely by chance, no matter how many miles you've put between yourself and her memory, she's ended up living 10 minutes down the road from you? Could you spend a year fighting the urge to go see her every single day, while pursuing a high-pressure career? Could you handle the nights staring at the ceiling, hundreds of miles from the people that love you, night after night, and still stay sober? Well I f*king did. Sounds like a movie, doesn't it? Sounds overly romantic and dramatic, doesn't it? Well it happened, just exactly the way I wrote. And that's one story. One. I don't open up often- not because I don't need to, but because when I do people get sad. They look at me with sad eyes and say "my god, I'm so sorry. I had no idea." Then they get quiet and introspective. The secret tales of my life stick with people in a bad way- people love the good stories, ask me all the time to write a book, but the real stories, they're pure hell.

>>3863 i've experienced far worse, because I realize "love of your life" is an overly dramatic notion. its terrible to lose a loved one, we all do. you never find a replacement, you just meet new people. you scare me because i nearly ended up like you but "the love of my life" told me to get my soykaf together. my dads died and been dead because he was killed for ratting out meth dealers, i've had friends succumb to drug addiction, ive nearly died off xanax and drinking, my moms depressed, my families alcoholics, lost multiple relationships of people i love some left me some i left them, one of my first memories is my my mom holding me and crying and my dad plunging a knife through the door saying he "just wants to talk". regardless everyones suffering is equal, I have no doubt you have felt as soykafty as I have before. I have no doubt a rich man with a perfect upbringing and a loving family has felt as bad as I have before. I have no doubt I have felt as bad as someone whos had to starve and had nothing, because suffering is subjective with limits, and you will feel the worst you have felt every time something new and terrible happens to you. so i dont doubt your pain, im trying to help you by saying you think you are a character in a movie or something when your not. From an outside perspective your relationship or story probably doesnt seem fairytale or movielike at all unless you paint it that way which you are, props to you for good writing its just so self absorbed that its irritating for most people however im trying to keep in mind that if this was fictional and about someone else I would think its pretty well written. the only way i can find what you are saying sad is by assuming that you are dealing with this terrible situation by painting it in a dramatic movie esque light, which in some way distances yourself from it. which is now revealing some things about me in the past. You probably want this to define you somehow, this great story you could probably latch onto it forever because in terms of your existence and self expression its your magnum opus in a way (you clearly are a very expressive person). I once thought a good life is one that if other people were to read as a book they would be moved by it, and suffering is part of a good story. Thats not wrong its not right I just thought that and now I don't. however its not looked fondly on by anyone, its seen as an immature lens to look at the world through. if your saying you dont care about how the world sees you i wouldnt believe you because you put quite a show on writing all this. my advice to you is to cry and drink do whatever punch a wall cut your face get it out maybe a month maybe a year and then understand and be appreciative you got to experience these great and moving feelings and look forward for more to come. some people on this board will never experience anything beyond a computer screen, and they will remain as sad as the rest of us but with nothing to say or show for it.

>>3865 Some depth of feeling here, at least. So you take issue with what you call an "immature lens." What exactly would be a "mature lens," in your opinion? Continuing to keep my mouth shut and nod along? Pretending that everything is fine when it isn't? A long list in plain English of every time I've experienced pain? Crying and drinking myself to death? Screaming at god? See, I've tried all of that, and it all comes back to the same point, which is that there is no point. You can't fix it. Life's arbitrary, confusing, and horrible- with the added bonus that you're programmed to keep going despite the fact that you're going to die anyway. There's no way to win, there's no way out, and change never happens for the better. Now sure, you can say that that's all wrong, and that's fine- but at the end of the day, you'd be wrong. There's not a single thing in life that's worth a damn. It's all transitory nonsense and dreams. At times I've thought I've found an exception to that, and it always turns out to be just as transitory as all the rest. So how do you keep going? You probably have some hobby or pet project that you fiddle with to get your dopamine just like the rest of humanity- but you know as well as I do that it only works because it allows you to suspend your disbelief long enough to forget how utterly worthless your existence is. I can't find that thing. It's not a matter of "happiness is within" or any such new-age platitude- it doesn't exist. As for self-definition through dramatization, what else is anyone other than a collection of stories? Perceptive of you, really, to point at the "magnum opus" concept- but you're wrong about me using it to distance myself from the pain. All that any of us are is our pain. Who we are isn't shaped by the good things in life, it's shaped by the bad. Take away the pain and you're left with nothing. jammit, you still don't get it, I want to use the pain for something, and there's nothing to use it for. For all the "great and moving feelings," I've got nothing to show for it that's worth anything. No matter what, the world's not going to see me at all, and all the sound and fury in the universe is just going to lead to more disappointment- f*king crows cackling about how self-absorbed and passe I am. Life's so grand- can't wait for the next installment.

>>3866 I don't want you to nod along, I guess I also don't know how long its been. I want you at some point to understand life goes on. I will say I feel you strongly on some level. I draw, and often times with my intense emotions I post here instead and I feel I have wasted it. I guess in some ways there isnt much difference between your dramtizations and mine, I just keep mine more quiet and am not as eloquent so I don't or can't come off as being over dramatic. But I understand the want to do something with these great feelings, to somehow express them and being unable to beyond this anonymous imageboard. I also know how much a lover can mean to someone, for awhile I was completely codependent on mine even if she was a bit abusive but thats how strong it can be when you find the person you think is the one. Your willing to get hit, and you didn't even have those negatives so I imagine it was just truly and completely in love. I'm not trying to convince you of anything I guess, just ground you a bit. I just know in my times where I was dramatic and in my head dreaming people who grounded me were valuable but those people also already had my respect I guess and weren't anonymous and for all I know some fat loser kid in his moms basement giving me advice and telling me to get out of my head. what kind of person was this lover of yours, what did you like about her? what did she do for you or provide for you that made you feel like things were okay. im not expecting a certain answer to these i'm just curious and I know with people I loved when they left I just wanted to express to the world how great they were, pretty, what kind of person they were.

>>3867 It's been several years at this point- she was just really on my mind today for some reason. I've gotten better at ignoring it over time, but it never goes away. The story's just an example of the kind of things I've been through pretty regularly- at least it's a little bittersweet and plays well to a sympathetic audience, unlike the time my first "official girlfriend" called to wish me a happy new year with another guy balls-deep inside her, the time a girl locked herself in a room with a gun because I wouldn't sleep with her, the time I tried to hang myself with a belt because the popular kids told me they'd voted that they'd like me better if I was dead, or other even less delightful tales. There's not a whole lot of room for flowery language and self-expression in those stories. I appreciate what you're saying, though. I get that life takes place mostly on the ground or below it- but I don't think I can deal with that. I've spent a lot of time in low places, and it feels like I left a lot of myself there. There's stuff I can't unsee...a college kid OD'ing on meth screaming for his mother and threatening to kill everyone in sight as four cops strap him down to a backboard, a freshman girl taking a casual piss in the middle of a crowded dance floor already slick with vomit while cheering on her friend being publicly facefucked on a nearby chair, someone throwing his girlfriend down two flights of stairs, punching his arm through a wired-glass window, and then laughing at how his blood was spraying. I don't want to live in a world where that's real, man...because a world where that's real is just hell. There has to be something so good that it can balance out that evil, or nothing makes any sense. It was so easy to find the metaphorical abyss to stare into, but finding the light? Who the f*ck knows how to do that? That's why I loved her so much. She had a whole lot of that light in her, and she figured out how to share it with me. She'd been through the wars too, in spades, but she'd made herself whole again somehow. We didn't need to talk about the world being hell because it was old news to us. We could just let it go and, I don't know...just be? She was an amazing artist- she put part of her soul into her work, and it glowed just like she did. It was so creative- I didn't understand half of it, but it was genuinely good- not the typical pretentious stuff you see everywhere nowadays. Stuff like photographs she developed onto that plastic you bake in the oven to harden and shrink. Who the heck's ever heard of baking a photograph? All sorts of stuff like that- her house was like part-crazy-alien-landscape filled with strange artifacts and part comfy-victorian. She made amazing tea- like, we've all had tea, and it's ok, but have you ever had tea that tastes better than soda? It was just another extension of her self, I guess. She couldn't do anything without her light coming out in it- you could taste the way it felt to be around her in the tea- see it in her art. She was who she was to such a degree that she just irradiated everything she touched with her presence. Another thing I loved about her was that she was excellent with people. I'm not. Everybody adored her- no matter where we went, we'd run into someone she knew, and she'd introduce them in a way that didn't make me feel like I had to be anybody other than myself around them. I felt included, and respected, and proud of her for being someone that was loved so deeply by so many people. I never worried that she was ashamed of me- I never doubted that what we had was real. For once, I felt like I belonged, and I was happy to belong where I did. She felt like home...like I'd known her my whole life. What's more, she made sure I knew that she felt the same way about me too- I couldn't tell you how or why she did, but she did. I felt honored, like I actively wanted to grow up and become a shining example of Man just out of respect for that love. I could go on for hours- about how she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, about her voice, her sparkling sense of humor and infectious smile, how she had a strong moral code, how I'd get lost in her eyes when we'd sit on my couch and work on her thesis together, how she'd huddle close to me on walks in the winter air and turn the chill to springtime all by herself, how we spent nights staring up at the stars and talking about the future, how she was just as much of a nerd as I am (only much cooler)...but I'd never stop. I can't refrain from romanticizing her because she truly embodied everything I know about romance. She was pure poetry. For the record, even if you are some fat loser kid in his mom's basement giving me advice and telling me to get out of my head, you've made more progress in a day than 4 therapists and a pharmacy's worth of prescriptions did in 5 years. Thanks for that.

>>3872 hey, different anon here I've read the paragraph about this stuff you've seen, facefucking and pissing and stuff and I think that you should really try to change your surroundings and people your are dealing with. I live in this world for 28 years and I haven't seen any of those pathologic stuff not even once. I know it's happening somewhere but usually I only read about it and think "is this real world?", but after that I go back to my friends and collegues who aren't degenerates (no offense to anyone). And to your previous post, maybe it's true that nothing in life is worth anything but that only means that there is no objective value. You choose what is worth trying and doing and what is not. It's all you can get so searching for any greater meaning is a waste of time. Everybody's time is limited so don't waste yours on searching the things that don't exist. Anyway you've probably been through some weird soykaf so good luck with anything you are doing right now

>>3796 I feel much better about myself after dumping my waifus. Good thing I didn't make any shrines or anything otherwise, I'd have some demolition work to do. I still use my favorite female characters as wallpapers because they are well designed for phone and desktop wallpapers but I will no longer have waifus. I'm paying more attention to real girls and I'm tired of having my dick in my hand. fuarrrk my life, I just want to have sex. I just need to vent it one last time here, but I'm done with being a virgin. I'm not desperate for sex though, I saw on Craigslist a married mom who was willing to drive to a dude's place but I resisted even trying to contact her. Maybe I'm not that willing for sex. I feel that entertaining someone's affairs makes me just as bad as the unfaithful cheater. Am I wrong thinking that? But if I had contacted her, I might of had a chance to finally experience sex. That desire is really strong.

>>3872 I think I understand. my experiences heavily depend on those around me, when I see beauty in someone I elevate them so fuarrrking high in my head. other times like maybe right now the people around me are druggies and depressed, and it can feel hopeless. it can seem sick and vile, dehumanizing. if anything whats also helped is working towards being that beautiful person for other people. Being the person that can be the light in the tunnel, i knew that I could recognize it in other people and if I could recognize it I could become it one day. I can't always have these amazing seemingly gifts from the universe that completely change my perspective and uplift me, but I can take joy in doing that for others. It hasn't happened much yet, because im still very immature and have a lot of learning to do but I can see the progression and thats all that keeps me going. even art the other thing that keeps me going I only make to express these feelings inside that hopefully someone can look at and not feel alone or like the universe is meaningless. if il make it i really dont know cause other days i sink to that dehumanizing level pop pills and drink until weeks blend together, but then other days i let myself sse the potential in myself, and I think how can I waste that. How could I waste blessing other peoples lives with this beauty and mystery that was given to me too.

Like most people here I imagine, I was always different from the majority of the people around me. I didn't like being alone, but I liked being different. I believed that I was alone because I was smart. I lied to myself saying that if I wanted I could speak about nonsense and make stupid friends but I didn't because I was better than that. Eventually I came to realize that if you are not happy, being smart is worth nothing. In fact, a smart person would be able to find a way to be happy, and I wasn't able to. I wasn't fitting in, and I wanted to fit in. I wanted to change everyone and make them like me, but I knew that wasn't possible. So I decided to make myself like them. I always liked the way I am, but I didn't like living in a world I didn't belong to. If I couldn't change it, I wanted to belong in it. I learned for a few years that chitchats, social interactions, looking confident etc. wasn't as easy as I thought as was, and that I wasn't just lonely because I was smart/different. Actually now it now feels more likely that I was smart and different because I was lonely. Think about why the engineering majors of universities are filled with either ugly or antisocial people. Did their intelligence turn them ugly? Of course not, their ugliness and inability to adapt into society made them lonely and forced them to think and study. Anyhow. I spend around adjusting my posture, making friends, learning how to speak without anxiety, learning how to live the normal person life as you might call it. And it worked for a while. I went to bars, flirted with people, got called to parties, and I felt like I was really starting to adapt and change. But at some point it stopped. Yeah I could talk to people, yeah people liked me, yeah I got invited to their parties, but they still acted differently with me. It was almost as if they could see that deep down I still had something different, something weird with me. I hooked up with some girls but noone ever fell in love with me still. People were friends with me but they weren't really interested about me, or cared for me. I was just not important to them, as much as everyone else was. Today I realized that there is something left in me, that will maybe never leave. I learned that no matter how much you change you cannot change your essence, your true nature. I learned that there is something weird with me still, and I don't know what it is.

sometimes your mind thinks about the big questions and sometimes its the small questions. its been awhile since ive thought about big questions, I think it shows im a bit more upbeat, however the big questions scare me more than the small ones thats why I avoid them now. there was a time when i was atheist, but im not someone who can accept something like that, without it affecting my answers to the small questions. im aware there is atheistic viewpoints where life does have meaning but that was not mine and personally not how i can believe it to be true. if life has no meaning, I have no meaning. being happy also has no meaning, i personally do not act without meaning, if i did i would not be socially acceptable, and would be left on the street. i cant change that, but I can choose to vaguely accept that this may be a reasonable truth to my mind but believe otherwise. the biggest issue is i can fake it maybe throughout the day, but in times of despair no meaning creeps up rather than hope. why do i have hopes, and why are mine important, they arent nothing is or isnt you just exist. and in that case i dont fuarrrking care, i could just be drunk on the street 24/7, or a semi functioning alcoholic or drug addict just keeping my supply going. or perhaps theres worse things, just becoming an abused partner to another person who will always keep me around, oddly enough that would bring me "peace". i guess i have a spave mentality or whatever if you think that exists. what i choose to believe is god. this worldview is always in the back of my mind though and i just use it for discussions.recently its changed and im not going to go into specifics cause i dont think anyone gives a soykaf, everyone has their view of the world i dont have concrete anything to explain to you why i know this vague other truth to be true so you wouldnt believe me over your view anyways and shouldnt. but now this other worldview isnt atheistic but perhaps even something scarier, some would still say it is atheistic. it doesnt concern god, there is an after death. utterly beyond human understanding in some ways, beyond sane human understanding at the very least for me. it would make me appear crazy to society id just fixate on it. its truth thats not for me to accept, someone maybe can with a stronger brain, but its not for me. i think people have accepted it, some claim to, but i am not the one to know. i am already too weak, its hard enough for me to just exist, accepting this could mean death. its not a negative outlook, if anything its more "positive" than a pure atheistic outlook, but tangibly terrifying. if i did accept it id tell no one, not because its shameful or necessarily sounds too insane but the idea of passing it on like that would almost be a negative. rather id like to accept its there, continue doing what im doing keeping these people that can handle the truth in mind. i dont revere them at all is the funny thing, the people themselves are just people that happen to be containing these ideas. it just must be awfully painful, and i make drawings/art. these people arent my main focus for who id like to see them, but i can keep them in mind now as another person whos pain maybe i can ease for a minute or allow them to be distracted with something else. or pretens to be in my brain where i can still see beauty in the world around me as is. its early in the morning and i havent slept because of this. maybe now i can.

>>3878 Is it possible that its just leftover mentality from your time as an outsider? I'm going through something similar and I notice a lot of my anxieties end up being false. Consciously I have to practice not putting too many expectations on others as you can't control them and maybe they're just as anxious as you are. The thing about being an outsider is, if you're paying attention you develop a special kind of empathy most people don't have on top of a level of introspection most never go through so yes, you will always be different but you have to remember your perceptions aren't exactly typical either. It's very possible you're fine and from the sounds of it you succeeded and are just still sensitive to the feelings of others, even if not directed at you specifically.

>>3880 >>3878 I cant appropriately talk at this time, ive been thinking about this a lot. I feel this reply a lot, very true but also in addition to first poster you aren't alone. There is millions of people right now going through similar issues, and maybe a quarter or something (still of millions!) were on chans all the time as a kid with internet friends and soykaf nobody in real life. It fuarrrked everyone up honestly, but you really arent alone the fact is everyone like that is around our age or younger. there isnt a ton of people who grew up like this. We have no role models or people we can look at and be like this person is similar to me but successful. "we" always have this thing in our heads but i was a fuarrrking internet loser soykafbag and i spent my developing years on a place that is nothing like real society most if not all my free time. unfortunately we have to be those people who can give some wisdom now. of failures and successes. but don't count yourself out and also don't neglect "us" as someone who shaped you probably for mostly negative. if say you had a chance to publicly speak to a large audience would you bring up how you grew up? you really might not if you grew up like I did (i keep saying "us" and "we" and i think im accurate from people ive talked with irl as well but not positive). But you should, if you could stop other kids from growing up that way? I mean sure its an experience, but I know the things I like about myself were already here before it. The fact is i feel like there is probably some personslity type that arose from this, labels dont help a ton but say you avoid addiction by not doing drugs. Computer or internet addict is so fuarrrking stupid becsause its expected we use it to survive (in society), we can't avoid it all together, especially not a younger kid. it also doesn't help make you less fuarrrking weird in the same sad way drug addict also doesn't and usually makes people further estranged. But it sounds so trivial, oh boohoo you wasted your youth on the computer. But no kid wants to waste his entire fuarrrking youth or 4 years or however long on a computer with no friends getting called names online probably crying every night because its so lonely and their only friends they talk to have voices that belong to people they never will see, then finding out they are different from everyone and unlike being ostracized you have no one to blame usually but yourself and then you are blaming your teenage self who had no fuarrrking clue what they were doing and in any other situation of isolation an adult would be able to tell them whats going on and what to do usually for going on these sites just to try and fill a lonely void. if not an adult at least a therapist, but psychologists if im correct are probably only just noticing a pattern of people with issues from the internet. its entirely possible im wrong, our issues caused us to go on the internet, for some of us that may be true for some of us though it isnt and for me personally i know it isnt. my curiosity made me, and loneliness after my best friend went to a different school. the latters our of my control the first is something im glad I had. I probably would have dealt with bullying in middleschool and highschool if i didnt retreat online (and hell i did still after and i know many worse) but at least i would have the comfort now of knowing lots of bullied kids end up rich and famous and are totally fine now. as is it just can feel like i did it to myself, which isnt untrue, but its an error almost impossible to see to a young brain.

>>3879 What do you understand exactly by meaning? What meaning have life now, when you believe in god and why does it change when you don't believe? Do you live only for the promise of the afterlife? Do you struggle everyday, try to be happy, do things only for salvation after death? When I was younger, as a kid, I believed in god very hard. I obeyed all of the commandments, went to church every sunday, prayed every evening. Life wasn't easy but my faith was really strong back then, the only thing I could be sure of. Now I am not sure anymore. I feel like I can't accept it anymore. I'm still praying every evening but I don't go to church anymore. The Church is in my opinion corrupted now, doesn;t have its original purpose anymore, priests are greedy, pedos, get all political and stuff. I fell like I don't want to be a part of this. I can't really accpet the idea that we live in this world for this brief moment only to be judged and sent to heaven or hell for eternity. I think right now I may believe that there is indeed some form of god, supreme being but he don't really care abut this planet and human race. I don't see any higher purpose or meaning, only the one we create ourselves. Of course you could drink all the time or be a junkie but it's your choosing. It doesn't really matter because your life here is only a moment comparing to the universe. The only thing that matters is what you want to do. You do different things not because there is something bigger behind them but because they make you happy, they give you joy. You should only try and not hurt other people because it's just mean and not cool.

>>3882 It's way more common than we think nowadays. If anything, we're better equipped to deal with it but that didn't come at a price which was isolation and stunted social skills. But like a muscle we can improve these with exercise. Even over voicechat helps. The people you meet online, especially the younger ones its always good to pass on such wisdom or life advice and hope that in their youth they don't repeat the same mistakes. It's funny watching them grow, some will escape the suffering you endured and turn out normal while others you just can't save, but at least you tried and that's better than nothing. Besides, if we're self aware enough to recognize the issues that have caused us so much turmoil in our youths, then can we not work to fix them? There are plenty of people who will help you if you put forth honest effort. If there's anything I've realized so far, its that people are more forgiving if you're really giving it your best. Not all of them, but even one makes a difference. I hope you find/have found some kind of peace lainon because I can tell from your post how much this struck a chord with you and it's good to know we can still connect with others, as hard as it might seem today.

I feel disconnected from nearly everyone, and am coming to realize that there is no real path set for me, I thought I was pretty content with my degenerate lifestyle but I've finally achieved a goal of mine to build a new desktop(something difficult because of what little cash I make) but after finishing it and unlocking a lot of potential because my old build was a piece of soykaf I don't feel happy about it and I don't know why. What little friends I have onine are drifting away, I have no interest in any other human relationships so I'm left at a standstill what to do next. I don't really have any hobbies to spend time on, and everything feels so distant.

>>3883 if i can blindly accept a god at the end of the day when soykaf hits the fan I can just say it exists. i never use it in argument, but personally its something I can do. i can function, to accept this new reality would mean entirely focusing on my after death. it would be to accept i have a purpose beyond this earth, again im not saying this view is correct but it is too real to me to ignore. With god in mind, my purpose exists here. I suppose thats whats different. No purpose, purpose here, purpose elsewhere. Salvation doesn't really matter to me, rather I assume I know what is morally right, that there is a purpose for me, and that this purpose exists outside of me. Of course I don't want to spend an eternity in a hell, but thats not my judgement, its someone elses, they will decide if i am fitting. I learned I could have blind faith from having blind faith in other people, but I cannot have blind faith in myself, even though from an outside perspective that is what im doing. But I knew I could let people abuse me do whatever to me and still love and listen to them, why not put this faith in something that could ease my brain and make my life better rather than a person with flaws like me. I can't accept doing things just to make me happy. In some ways I still do whatever I want, but my better judgements are made with purpose beyond what I think will make me happy. I claim to believe a christian god but mainly just cause I grew up with western morals I guess. And I have some faith in myself, I believe the bible is a path to salvation but not the only one. My only real purpose that I must fulfill is to keep drawing and comfort and help people, even when sometimes I have to appear bad or wrong to do so. These are my only constants in life. But I also have to work to be less of a pushover, to be strong. I have blind faith because I also believe as society moves forward god will seem less and less real, thus all I can do is have blind faith. If somebody provided me a mountain of evidence I would say you are correct and we can act as if this is true for perhaps the betterment of society but I can not partake because I believe and il sit on the sidelines and witness. if rapture comes i would not say i told you so because i didnt, if it doesn't come i will not say I was wrong. by my own logic perhaps anyways, logic isn't that important or the way to think about these issues just a way and all we have. So blind faith is just as valid as logic when it comes to these cosmic issues to me. its very contradictory and all the more reason for me to have blind faith.

>>3885 The realization that material things won't fulfill you is a difficult for many to accept and in a fuarrrked up way, one society seems to depend on many people not reflecting upon. The reason you may have been content with what you refer to as degenerate lifestyle is possibly due to the fact the online relationships and media you participated in kept you distracted enough that you weren't able to realize it wasn't sustainable. The good news is, this is a turning point if you want it to be. You'll have to do some serious introspection and possibly talk to someone, professional or a friend who'll listen and figure out what it is exactly you want to chase after in life. I'll give you a hint and tell you that you must work on meatspace relationships, even just a few friends/family are vital for the process ahead. A support network is everything and you'll be glad should you succeed. I wish you luck lainon as someone who was and in some ways still is climbing out of that soykafhole. I can explain more if needed.

My friend really needs to get their soykaf together. I've encouraged them to get help from student support, but beyond that I don't really know what I can do. They got really demoralised at the start of the year and haven't really recovered.

i'm not masculine enough to fit in with normal society. all my friends who are guys always say im crazy when I say that and im a very manly dude but the thing is in my personal relationships with women I instantly want to take on a more submissive role, i get obsessive and jealous, i text like a "girl" when im in a relationship. Even just in friendships the girls I want to be friends with I instantly assign respect to and see them as older sister like. Then there is girls who like me, who I almost never like because I see them as needy and clingy and I want strong and dominant. But it seems like even the strong and dominant women just want a guy whos 2x as strong and dominant, that isn't me and it never will be probs. I thought I found a girl who was independent but also very clingy and obsessive. I thought soykaf this is probably the kind of person I need. But she was really submissive in bed which was hard for me since thats what I want to be and she also has since expressed she can't be in a relationship with me or anyone. I know she is telling the truth that she thinks that, but I know its not true and if the perfect person came along she would like them. She probably thought I was that person but id been taking xanax so I didnt give a soykaf and then when I stopped the actual me came out and she didnt like it anymore. idk, I can take care of people. But i'm not dominant or a leader, more like a healer or someone who comforts. the only reason other guys think I am at least somewhat masculine is again I dont really give a soykaf. To be honest I dont value male friendships much and never have, I don't see other guys in the same light, I kind of always can see right through them maybe because I am one so they aren't as interesting to me. Guys also talk a lot and its usually not that interesting. I only value my male friendships as people I joke around with and for laughs, never for life advice or deep conversation. I always go to girls for those things.

>>3912 im your friend possibly. in a jk way of course, but i'l say I have no plans of failing out of college and I fuarrrked up at the start of this semester and learned my lesson. But there is no point of trying to fix something thats already soykaf to me. I'd rather just get my Fs, minimize damage where I can, and learn for next time. At my school at least we keep funding for the year, and this is my first semester ever failing a class so I know il be able to get my GPA up next semester. I dont know if your friends in at all the same place. I also know i'm a very fluid person, and grades have no inherent value to me. The other reason I started failing was I changed majors and even though I recognize these abstract systems like credits, they arent real to me. So I saw no reason to continue a class that im not learning anything from, or rather the busy work being busy outweighed me graduating on time. Some people get infuriated that I would even see it like that, which doesn't do anything to me but make me assume they grew up one of those kids (I usually assume they are rich too) who can't imagine not getting good grades and will one day fuarrrk up and not be able to deal with it. Even if my assumptions wrong, my point is getting angry about it makes me think that so if you want to help people like me don't do that. No doubt my attitude towards school is one that will not serve me well in any walk of life. However the thing is failing was something I had never done, and I kind of have to experience something to really understand why I don't want it. Again I can't something like "failing is bad", well why is it bad if I know im gonna keep funding so long as I do good next semester and dont care about the classes? Who cares if I have to take an extra semester I like college its fun and better than home. Ultimately it came down to social pressure, a lack of soykaf to do making me depressed, and feeling like a loser. This is why I cant fail. So just keep the pressure on your friend I guess. A big thing for me too was like what the fuarrrk am I doing, its not like im doing something more important with my free time. Im not making friends or art or meeting people during the time I skip class. So that made me feel bad too and now I know for a fact I will not fail again because id literally kill myself if I end up here again, far more stressful then just doing the work.

I've always thought I was a part of the lucky few who happened to find early what they wanted to do for life, but little by little I grew out of it. I have nothing else now and ever since I've lost this goal I've been searching for a new career with no luck. I am ashamed of my new self and I want to disappear from everyone so I can begin from zero so I can't disappoint or be judged by anyone. I don't know why I think that by doing this everything will be sorted out, because it makes no sense, but I ocasionally feel the urge to just disappear and start anew. Even thought I'm working towards it, what when I reach it? I wish that my only wish in life actually made sense.

>>3938 Itl be alright. I don't think you need to dissapear to move your life in a new direction. If you have some ideas in your head about what you might like to do, I found that when you express those ideas to other people they start to give you some ins. If they judge you just know that if you can justify yourself you are alright. If they make fun of you for your new interest just tell it to them straight "hey thats kind of messed up", they probably will look like more of an idiot or a dick than you do. Most people will look out for new oppurtunities, they may even be interested themselves and consider joining you and thats a great way to make some deep friendships. It can start as a side thing at first and then the better you get the more opprtunities. Don't be afraid, wouldn't you be happier knowing you tried to do all these things rather than saying its too late now and just becoming bitter, old, and set in your ways? At the end of the day, living life is important but so are your final moments (hey and if you plan on living forever in the future who cares, you got all the time in the world). Just like how it feels good at the end of the day knowing you did what you could, at the end of your life I imagine its a similar feeling. if you don't know what you want instead, now is the time to figure that out maybe, but don't freak out about it. Most people go through these things. I think there is something for everyone that will occupy their mind and be a struggle, but a satisfying one. It may be something too thats not very valued in society, and it might be a struggle to make a decent living. But I think thats okay, you will always have that thing that inherently feels good to do regardless if its acknowledged or accepted. hope everything works out okay!

>>3921 You sound like someone who's discovering the joys of the fairer sex for the first time. I don't mean to sound condescending but a lot of men who finally get that 'women are alright to talk too about emotional things' sound like you. I'm un-ironically going to ask you about what your relationship with your mother is like, did you experience a lack of or an overabundance of maternal care as a child? I'm a really big guy, not fat just tall, so in every relationship I've been in it was expected that I'd be extremely dominant to the point where women would get upset when I'm not as dominant as they expected me to be. This kind of masculine role takes time to adjust too, and at first I didn't like it that girls were basically asking me to rape them. However there was a time in my life where I just wanted a qt mommy gf to take my cummies. Over the past 4 years or so I realized that it was unhealthy for me to think this way, I should be able to take my own metaphorical 'cummies' at that point I was forcing women to deal with my neediness or my desire to submit, and that's probably why they don't like you, you're fighting against (millions?) of years of evolutionary selection for strong dominant males, and weaker caring females. When you embrace this part of the natural order you'll feel a lot better about yourself. You don't need to be a leader to be dominant with the ladies either, you just need to be a strong 'individual' in the ayn rand sorta sense. And in the sack you've gotta knock em around a bit, work up a sweat.

>>3946 No I only had maternal care, not a lack of. My dad was dead since I was like 5. I am a strong individual for the most part. I broke up with a girl for the first time which feels nice in a way cause before I was really needy. I have no desire to be cared for really like your describing, I like caring for other people. but literally i've always since as far as I can remember liked being pushed around and forced to do things by girls. my first memory of "i'm turned on" was my friend sitting on my face in 1st grade not joking. I know that sounds funny but im being serious. Then like most people here past elementary school I was a fuarrrking loser, in first year of college I met this girl who everyone liked and from all appearances was totally normal. For some reason she took a strong interest in me and we would sort of wrestle around and soykaf and were very playful with eachother, just in a friendly way. I remember looking back though one tine when we were doing this she pinned me down and whispered she was going to train me or break me or something similar. Thats exactly what she did, slowly the sort of playfulness got mildly sexual and abusive, I honestly dont want to go into details its embarassing for me to say. But it also wasn't like I didn't enjoy it, in fact after she sort of left me I was so upset because I finally found the sort of person I was looking for and I wasn't going to be able to again. She never told me why she stopped talking to me and future talks were pointless and shed say she didn't and that I stopped talking to her too. Which isnt true I made so many attempts to still hang out with her but she would almost always say no or be weird when I was there. I think she was embarassed by me, my first year of college I was still kind of a fuarrrking loser honestly. I think she was also embarassed or upset she did the things she did to me but I don't think I ever told her I liked it and she probably assumed I didnt because I did start to get pretty emotionally damaged and cry a lot towards the end, but it was unrelated to what she was doing. I just kept worrying she wasnt going to talk to me after our break and then it happened. im not fuarrrking around either when I say at some point a voice in my head said "if you do what this person says you will be okay". And its kind of true, there was things. Like at one point I had to tell her how much I liked her even though I knew I was basically just her pet almost, because it was making me act funny and I thought she deserved an explanation. But I told someone else first to get advice if I should, and she wasnt happy saying I should have came to her first. She then insisted we spend even more time together instead of taking a break from eachother which is what my friend suggested. I would talk to her but she wouldnt say anything back. I feel like this is the fifth time I ranted about this here. I dont know, she just was really important to me. After that I thought she left because I wasnt masculine enough so I cut my hair and started growing out facial hair and started going to the gym. It was stupid, I abandoned friends thinking I was better than them and almost got into selling drugs and stealing. Lost so much fuarrrking money to dumb soykaf. eventually I realized that regardless if im fighting against evolution im more secure of myself knowing im a bit more feminine than some dudes, and as a result it makes me less needy and weird. I can't fake hyper masculinity forever. I definitely am a dude, I enjoy being one, but there is things about me that aren't super dude like, and its probably going to mean I have a hard time dating forever but im always happy with the people I do find.

>>3953 for the record I still am a loser. im mildly attractive now that im all cleaned up but have no idea how to handle it. I thought about growing my hair out again cause I feel like when your seen as ugly or unwanted when someone likes you they like you for who you are not for who you look like. im still fairly needy, but I also know what I need. If im dating someone I need to be able to see them at least once or twice a week, I don't think thats too needy by any means. Before I was too needy to where even if they saw me once every 3 weeks id still probably date them and spend every idle second waiting for that one meeting and thinking about it. Ive reached a point where if somebody doesn't want to put time in for me then i'm going to leave because I always put in lots of work for the other person. I value intimate relationships, im not really good with flings. the girl i was seeing a bit ago never showed up on time was always a mess, and half the time flaked out. Meaning id get super fuarrrking clean and clean my entire room and sometimes even make sure the fridge had food in it for nothing. She would blame her depression or her inability to form deep relationships because of one boyfriend she had. I have severe depression too, diagnosed, and if you put a fraction of the effort in I already am you wouldnt be killing yourself like me and could make time to see me once a week. Even after I sent a message saying obviously im not the right one for you because you dont care she still comments on my social media with flirty comments. Yet she even acknowledged she doesnt care pretty much, we are supposed to meet up one last time and I doubt she will do it unless I remind her. Her idea too not mine.

>>3875 I don't know if anyone actually cares, but what the hell. It's unintentional but I haven't been watching a lot of porn anymore and a girl smiled at me at work and it really brightened my day when I experienced that. I still experience a lot of days where any female butt gets me thinking about how I would slam it all night. But I want female attention all the same. I'm a lot happier now even if I'm pretty sexually frustrated right now.

>>3961 This might be TMI but I feel the last part. I would like to stop jacking off because I know I try harder at relationships due to me desiring the sexual element so much but I have such a high libido I guess that not doing it makes literally everyone turn me on. I have had some relationships, and if im just sleeping with a girl and only have my boxers on and we aren't even fuarrrking (this is the TMI part) I leak precum enough to the point where it soaks through. Its embarassing but true. I have no idea if this is normal or if girls are understanding of this, I usually turn around in bed and face the other way to hide that. I also can not have a girl sit on my lap without getting a boner. People talk about how porn makes it difficult to get erections but I do not have that issue despite jacking off almost everyday or even twice a day. I have issues actually cumming but not losing an erection. I'm a sophmore in college now, I mean I guess its possible im still going through puberty but I kinda doubt it.

>>3969 From what I understand, porn effects everyone differently. And I think the kind of porn does too. From a young age, I was fapping to hentai and cartoon porn almost as much as the regular stuff. For me, porn just made it harder to jack it whenever I didn't have it. Not to mention all of the crazy off the wall porn one can get like futas or the millions of weird kinks and fetishes that almost no one else is going to have. I've tried the NoFap trash, and while it works to a degree, I think a natural stop in porn is the best way really. For me, it was dropping the waifu soykaf and the amount of rule 34 porn I was consuming, while also trying to connect with people that helped me more than some memes about how dropping porn is going to automagically fix you. I still consume SOME porn but I've restricted it to erotic audio/cock hero videos and if I can get girls to give me their nudes I'll enjoy that. I have to fap every day to every other day though otherwise I want to get me some fat milky white girls. So the struggle is real.

>>3852 I feel you lain. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know the real me, which scares me a lot.

>>3970 So i've been doing that but am good enough at drawing to where I can in like 5-10 mins make a character and then draw it in whatever poses I like. I think i'm in too deep here, this was a recently discovered talent because I knew I was good at drawing the figure quickly, and I was legit jacking off and drawing AT THE SAME TIME. I'm not even joking, it slowly evolved First it was a cute girl, then it was a cute boy who looked like a girl, then said trap had a machine attatched to its dick that was collecting jizz, then that but it had anal beads in its ass, then it was being forced to walk on a treadmill with all of the above going while 3 dudes jacked off onto it and it had a heroin needle in its arm and another guy was eating its ass from behind. See I thought having a seperate secret sketchbook would be a good thing cause I could draw whatever I wanted and not worry if its perfect but then this happened the other day. On the bright side I really liked one of the poses and managed to recreate it in a very non sexual scenario with more detail and everything and a deeper message than im horny so that was kinda cool. I wish I was joking when I said I had dick in one hand and pen in the other, and by god I was drawing some of the best soykaf ive ever drawn quicker than I ever have. Of course it started out as just drawing, basically I saw a youtube thumbnail by an artist I follow and the character was cute. It inspired me to draw some character that had a similar theme, then I drew it in a suggestive pose, yeah then the downward spiral. Its weird I can and have stopped jacking off for months at a time (Usually just a few days tho), but its so easy for me once I get a boner to rationalize just jacking off (I don't have a girlfriend right now! whats a guy gonna do). Also the slightest thing turns me on, I have a very good imagination. but yeah this was a sign I think to slow down.

I will never be in a relationship and I have never pursued it. I see my friends in relationships, spending 90% of their day with their SOs and I know I can't invest that much of my time and energy. On the other hand, I'm scared of being left alone in this world.

>>4005 to be honest I think its a healthy place to be at. it means if you ever did get into a relationship you wouldn't be killing yourself over it, and both people are comfortable with eachother enough to where they don't have to be spending that much time. Being lonely is like kicking dead whales down the beach but when you know you will be okay even if your alone I think it makes everything better.

I really wanted to become a diplomat, but it's hard and I'd be starting a bit late. (like, 3 years?) since I still gotta get any bachelor's degree. I feel really motivated to do it and want to start, but as soon as I do I recall my entire life and I feel like I'm delusional about myself and I've always been scared of not knowing my "level". Basically I grew up being compared to every other kid (the neighbor's, cousins, sister...) and they always made sure to let me know how I was way more messy, dumb, lazy, fat and fared worse at school, did no courses like everyone else & etc(I was less than 13). But I was pretty left on my own whereas all the other kid had a lot of encouragement or were forced to study and pursue other stuff. So since a young age I've always adopted the posture of " I'm not really making any effort to achieve this" so I don't look like I'm trying to achieve something because if I did fail that'd be rubbed in my face. But this has been a nuisance. I was trying to study but all I get is(from my own head) ' as if you could understand any of this', ' as if you would pass the exams', ' you know you're to dumb to even consider all this, don't you?' These things are killing me. Sometimes I succumb to it, sometimes I feel like I definitely can pull this off. I don't know if I can pursue it because I might sabotage myself at any time, especially since it's a long and draining road. If I could just erase everyone I know and be on my own I feel like it'd be way easier, maybe the pressure would go away. I don't wanna share this with anyone but I don't like being in secrecy, that's basically all I ever did. Heck, even to my therapist I feel ashamed of saying this. I don't know. But it's not the first time that the thought of pursuing this career makes me jump out of bed and do stuff besides making me not want to kill myself. I'm also really quiet in real life -- no one knows my interests. I don't "belong" in that area, as a lot of people have told me. I've already quit a career that was in the comfort zone because it was killing me inside.

I'm thinking of investing a lil bit of money I have to try and start my career with computers... This money is for the bus so I can spend kurisumasu with my mother though, she's alone... I don't know if I should do it or wait, it's just 10 days.... Otoh I should stop just putting off things and being scared. I go out and feel miserable looking at all I'm missing out on... So I don't know, maybe I will... I've heard risk is a good thing and also it'd give me something to do with my day that feels slightly productive... I can always get the same money some other way I guess. I've just been getting used to being a NEET for so long that it feels like I have no way of getting it.... gotta get out of my comfort zone I guess....

>>4036 Differernt lainon here but I think similars as>>4005 and for the most of my life I was pretty happy of being alone and it didn't bother me. However for the last year or two it starts to be really tiring. I know now that I am not okay but all those years of being alone made that I don;t really know how to build a relationship now. I tried couple of times to meet with girls, even had some successes but it all fell apart in some moment and often I am killing myself over every failure I made. It's a really soykafty situation because I feel that right now I really need someone close and someone with I could build something but at the same time I am also aware that I am too much concentrated on myself right now, trying not to go insane with all my anxiety, fears and depression. The second problem is that I have problems with maintaining long term relationships with people and of course I am insecure about myself so I go into paranoia about being cheated on. All my life I thought that loliness is something I don't mind and even something that gives me strenght but lately this change in my mind made me asking wtf is gong on? Why this sudden change in my personality? I don't really know how to cope with that and I feel lost but have nobody to talk to except anons here

>>4139 I guess I understand. At some point me too. I had spent all my life alone, then I think senior year of HS it really hurt me. It led to a lot of changes, failures. I guess im getting over a breakup right now. It hasnt really hit me this time, I dont think it will. I dont think loneliness in itself gives stength, more not being scared to be alone. Part of that comfort is in knowing you can make new friends, which is something I struggle with? Im not really sure. I seem to find friends but what if everyone left would I meet people again? I cant say.

>>4140 I never was very good at making new friends. I made some friendships during university and was pretty happy with them. But lately many of them get into relationships, which is probably one of the reasons I started to feel that I need one too. They don't have as much time as before to meet, which is obvious, but now I feel that I am alone more than before. I don't want to look for new friends because it will be the same as now, I need to get something more stable and long term. Aditionally, after you finish university it looks that finding new friends is pretty hard, everybody has his own circle and stays there mostly. When I was at highschool I thought I will be alone for all my life, that PC and internet will be enough for me, I thought like that even during some part of studies. Hey, the interent gives you access to anything in the world, why would you need anything else? Now however I now its not true and I need closeness. It worries me that because of that needyness I will end up in some soykafty relationship and I will be miserable anyway. Also the girls probably can feel it, I am not exactly the alpha male type, I don't get into fights and arguments, don't show much emotions so probably I still look like a loser to them, despite many changes I made from childhood and bettering myself

>>3985 And I thought I had it bad. If this was on any other site, I'd think it was a copypasta. But yea, porn gets into the weird stuff fast, especially if you are using porn to fill some emptiness in your heart/soul/whatever. It must be hard if you are able to draw porn but have you considered selling your art? I'm actually jelly of people who can draw even if it's just porn, it's still art. I'm a creative person but more in the context of building things from wood. I've been futa free and waifu free for a decent time now. I'm pretty happy.

>>4143 Im not an alpha male type either. Im trying to find a girl that likes me anyways, but theyve all failed. Only one I really really liked and it was her fault things messed up. I also worry about after university, and similar story of why I started using internet. if it makes you feel any better my fear of confrontation is something people like about me. I tried to change it and kind of drove people away, but a lot of people like having someone in their life that isnt going to freak out on them if they say something weird or wrong i realized. Sometimes the things you wish you could change would cause you to lose things now maybe you arent appreciating. On the flip side realizing these are good things about you and putting them in the spotlight can help you. I also realized now when I am confrontational its like a huge power, people never question if I even hint at something and say like "no im really serious you need to stop". And the other person appreciates it too, because they know im really only going to say something if its seriously wrong. The thing is im not a normal dude anyways, I wouldnt be happy with a girl who wants an "alpha male" so im fine the way things are. Sometimes looking at it like that helps. If you arent naturally super masculine do you really want a little princess who would be attracted to that and needs protection all the time and cant take care of herself? I don't at least. I dont know if I can say the same for no emotion thing. I am very shy in groups for the first time, but I think im fairly expressive even when im quiet. I think mayb having a good think about what things can you let be and what things you still want to change is helpful. But maybe im biased I think You shouldnt worry about not being manly enough or whatever. You probably will appear more of a man once you let that insecurity go and accept you just arent a fighter, and stuff like that comes down to instinct I think. I have the worst instinctual reaction of the three, freeze. Whether a car is coming at me, or soykafs getting heated. I tend to freeze up and cry uncontrollably after out of relief/fear. How my bloodline was passed down I have no idea.

>>4145 i actually was embarassed after and tore out those pages. i dont like drawing porn because I like drawing cute characters and i like to be seen as an innocent person and my drawings to be mostly innocent so making porn in my semi cutesy style while incredibly attractive to me makes me feel like im ruining my image. internally, even though no one will see these drawings, I guess it cheapens it for me. Im not into OC's but regardless I do make little characters cause I like drawing people, I just dont name them. But when I am working on a drawing and talking about it with friends or in a friends room drawing I notice I always say "she" or "him" when referring to the drawing as if its an actual person. If there is multiple people in it il refer fo the individual people. I think because its very real to me. When I make one of these characters and I use it for something sexual its like their life is ruined in my eyes. This time it made me angry cause I really liked this person she/he was very cute and would have made a good drawing but now I can't. just overall it feels wrong somehow. I don't really see it as art. The other thing too is its like I think people should always be able to use sexual imagery in art. So I do draw naked people and what not, but its never something I would jerk off to? And thats art still to me? Some of them I think people could jerk off to, but that isnt my intent so im okay with it. Some of my drawings are also very violent but they dont make me sad or angry. But say when im really angry and drawing I hate anything I come up with its too violent, and likewise if im drawing and jacking off its too sexual. i think all this makes sense and dont take my word for it i just know it boils down to I dont like drawing pornographic stuff.

>>4146 The thing is I don't want to change the fact I avoid confrontations. I like it the way it is, probably some of my friends appreciate it too. I am afraid that it's a trait that might be liked on a friendship level but when it comes to relationships most women would prefer someone more masculine. Also, I really wouldn't like to be with a spoiled princess who is looking for her strong alpha prince. The problem is that strong girls that I know tend to look for that type of guys too. The problem is also within me, because there were some girls who were attracted to me but I always wanted something more, someone prettier, more intelligent, with different interests and so on. I know it's not fair, knowing who I am, but still I can't get through this. And sometimes unfortunately I try to hide who I am, blend in, act like the rest of society. It's killing me but I do this all my life because the pressure from society and my surrounding is just too big. There are only 3-4 people who really knows me. I would like to have someone to open to but I am always afraid to do this, to be laughed at, to be pointed out just like in the past during school. It's awful how fuarrrked up past affects your present and there's nothing you can do about it despite many tries.

Please excuse me while I do a braindump. I had to drop some classes earlier this semester because I couldn't handle the workload, so now I only have 3 exams and there's only one I'm going to have to really study for. I feel like the normal reaction here is to be happy and grateful that I don't have as much work as everyone else, but instead I just feel guilty. I recently spent a decent sum of money to get into a hobby. I'm enjoying it but it isn't magically fixing everything in my life and for some reason that bothers me. I'm worried that I'm going to lose interest in it eventually just like the other hobbies I've spent money on in the past. I still don't even know what I want to do for a job, I feel like I kind of like what I'm studying but whenever I'm tired of wanting to masturbate all the time. I think my medication is partly to blame as I spent the past weekend unmedicated and I didn't feel this constant aching in my groin, but I also think my own past habits of giving in whenever I felt slightly horny is also largely at fault. I want to take a break from it but whenever I go more than one day without it I feel tense, irritable, and distracted. I don't want to deal with having an additional stressor in the middle of finals so in the end I feel like I have to do it. At night I am assailed by endless thoughts of being in an intimate and caring relationship with someone. I imagine the fun things we would say and do together, the cute intimate stuff like hugging, hand holding, and cuddling, as well as all the emotional validation that would come with it. I'm making strides in improving myself, I feel pretty good about my appearance, and there's even someone I know who might be into me but I feel like there still are areas I'm weak in and I feel like I need to find a new group of friends as well otherwise I'll get dependent on them for social interaction. There's also the matter that this person I'm thinking about usually acts as the stand in for the imaginary significant other in these intrusive romantic thoughts so I'll have unrealistic expectations of who they are if I do date them. These worries are circling my head like a cloud of flies, whenever I manage to get my mind off of one it just moves to the next.

>>4155 Those unrealistic expectations are the worst. I keep making the same mistake as you and probably it's one of the reasons I am still alone because when it comes to dating and meeting I am always disappointed after some time. It's hard to deal with it, similarly as you I tend to dream about this real, intimate relationship where I don't have to be worried and everything makes me happy but I am aware that those things probably don't exist. For some time now I try to reduce the amount of this kind of thoughts so I hope it will become better in the future. I guess it's the best thing you can do right now. I understand very good your need for closeness but thinking about it, dreaming, is the worst thing you can do. On the other hand I tried to live without any expectations and it's not that good either. It has its pros, you can deal with stuff much easier but nothing matters anymore and life becomes even more pointless than it is now.

I got a job and at first I was not getting much work at all, I was working as little as a shift a fortnight but that was okay. Now I am getting three to five shifts a week and it's too much. I just feel miserable and I don't see a way out of it, if I quit my family will think poorly of me. I just really hate working and I don't really need the money from it, sure it's nice but I don't need it.

Im sick. If a women offered to abuse and use me for the rest of my life id say yes and live happily, maybe die unhappy. how can I have these thoughts and put on a face that I want people to uplift themselves and express themselves and be individuals. I think id give anything for my ex just to use me until I was broken and maybe dead. I hope she never contacts me again because id say yes probably with some fake reluctance. im always horrified when i hear thoughts like this from other people, if a girl tells me she likes being hurt in bed for example. how can I be horrified when i feel the same.

>>4215 > if a girl tells me she likes being hurt in bed for example Lots of people like pain with sex for a lot of different reasons. I don't like being dominated or having anything psychological done to me, but I get off on endorphins. It's common. > If a women offered to abuse and use me for the rest of my life id say yes and live happily Less common but there are couples that are consensually dominant/submissive all the time and not only during sex. You get to be her little bitch and do what she says and you love it. You never know, the girl for you might be right around the corner.

>>4218 Different anon, but I've been kinda interested in being a dominate male for a while, mostly because I'm used to just taking orders and not really questioning much. Luckily submissive women aren't exactly rare. Maybe pretend to be some sick fuarrrk villain who has captured a woman and have his way with her. I'm just so shy when it comes to talking about sex, a co-worker teased me for having a woman's phone number when she is old enough to be my mom (this woman was another co-worker though) and I blushed at the idea of us being intimate like that. I felt like some dumb ass anime protag.

>>4218 its not okay. i like people, I think people are good and dignified, you cant just give up your entire life like that. I shouldnt and no one else should. if they werent as insecure, dependent maybe or loved themselves a bit more no one would do that im positive.

>>4228 sorry i think also part of the reason i have these bad weird thoughts is the only way i can go to sleep is thinking about these fantasies. i dont know if this is unhealthy or not, i have trouble sleeping and this helps. It makes me feel warm inside and opens me up enough to let go pf my anxieties and fall asleep. i just dont know. i mean that must have an effect on my brain to be thinking of this stuff every night.

Was with a girl last night and long story short I suck at secs so I've decided I will try to never do it again. I don't even have to make an effort I hardly get any at all, at a rate close to once every two years. Perhaps that's why I suck. Anyway I want to avoid more shameful situations and plus what good is it if I can't do it right? What concerns me is that I'll have to deal with having sexual desire. I used to release it jerking off but I am also trying to nofap because ultimately it only boosts my libido. I just don't know what I am going to do when the desire overcomes me. Probably fap, but I would like to lower it to a level where it doesn't really bother me as much as it often does. And I don't want to inmasculate myself. Perhaps there's some sort of food that can kill my libido, I've heard soy helps, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

>>4228 If everyone involved enjoys it then it certainly IS ok. Either way, don't beat yourself up over your thoughts and impulses. Even if you imagined murdering someone... you haven't actually murdered them.

>>4237 Was it really that shameful? What went so wrong that you decided for such strong decision if you don't mind telling? The thing with sex IMO is that it might be awkward and strange and you can feel that you act like a moron but it don't really matter. I had my first time at 25 and there's no way I was good at it, let's be real, but the girl I was with said she had fun (I didn't told her it was my first time, only that I didn't had it for a long time, not sure if she notice it) and every next time I felt similar but we had some closer link, not just fuarrrking, so I didn't really care if I did something stupid, we just had a laugh over it. Maybe your problem is that this girl you were with meant nothing for you and you simply wanted to get laid? It's not really that complicated to not do it right. My problem on the other hand is that I go into paranoia that I will make the girl pregnant so I avoid it lately too because all this fear is too much to take and now I work on overcoming it and on control over my thoughts and emotions. I fap too but it's getting boring an to be honest I don't need sex that much, I rather look for intimate relation, having someone close, I can trust. It worries me a little bit that something is wrong with my libido, I don't have sexy dreams or stuff like that and feel a littl bit empty inside. Earlier when I was with a girl I prefered everything before and after sex than the act itself, all the kisses, cuddling and foreplay, I was always more concentrated on delivering the pleasure then having it by myself. I never understood the need for sex only, it seems that it's too much effort and energy and I can get orgasm by myself, quicker and simpler but the thought of someone climaxing because of me, someone trusting me and feeling good for just laying next to me was the thing I am after. Unfortunately usually this kind of approach is seen as a sign of weakness and not being "a real man", at least in my culture.

I had a dream about her, its been awhile. I walked and she walked by me, we stared eachother down. Rudely bumping into eachother, strangely there was a sense of respect between us. Feeling her from that rude nudge one last time I felt happy, and I was finally completely at peace. I never got over her, I managed to shove it down. I remember when I first realized she wouldnt be around anymore, I walked into the most isolated part of the park in the city and could not stop crying and screaming. People probably thought I was crazy and homeless if anyone heard. And I remember awkwardly pacing back and forth on top of that building overlooking the city like a lost child, not sure what to do. Im happy I can look back on this and feel happy I am not so lost and in pain. Never had I felt so much pain from emotion, you were the first person I ever made a real connection with. But lately ive been thinking about you again, because deep down I would do anything to hear you are proud of me. Even though when I see you I just stare as you do too, I would fall apart if you would just say hi or come up to me. Deep down you were my role model and probably still are even though I pretend to hate you and you hurt me so much. When I draw I notice a bit of your face rubs off on everything. Please please please, if you could just tell me you respect me and wish me the best I would break down and kill some of the darkness inside me. If I could just know you don't see me as a dumb loser anymore. After you left I killed myself trying to be mature and cool like you. You were more of a role model than my own mom in some ways, I just want you to acknowledge me. Its been a year but I realize now I dont want things to end like this, I wish you cared half as much as I cared. I wonder if you know how bright you can shine to others, if you did maybe you would be more considerate of those you pull out of the darkness. I hope on a bad day I can find the strength to message you, in spite of how scared I am of you, so I can get some clarity. I hope on a good day I can put away my pride so I can call you. And when I do I hope you'll respond, honestly, if that means hurting my feelings, if that means you feeling guilty. Just tell me what was going on, do me this one favor, you know even today id probably drop everything if you needed help.

>>4237 I'm with >>4239 on this. It's not that hard, just watch and listen for your partner's responses. If something is good for them you should know. Just don't follow what you see in porn (any more than you would use action movies as instructionals for firearms or martial arts). For gods' sake though don't just give up.

After having a complete personal breakdown I spent 4 months at psychiatric hospital. There I was prescribed a not so small amount of mediation to keep me stable. In the past I felt strongly against any pills but today I am so thankful I'm not feeling as bad as I did sometime ago. During my visit of the hospital I got diagnosed with personality disorder. This is the thing that scares me to this day. I was really hoping that all this mental health crap would go away for good and I'll have a peace for the rest of my life. After this I feel like I'm just never going to have peace. It's already a part of me and I have to spend rest of my life at constant risk of doing something I will regret and developing a depression again. I just want it to go all away but I don't bellieve it will anymore. Now that the winter starts my health got worse again. My therapist told me to consider hospitalization again. That's the peace of mind I'm getting

Is the only purpose behind the clinical treatment of depression that of raising an individual back to the level of minimal-maintenance cog in the machine? I went to a therapist for two years and while it helped in bringing me back to a state where I can leave the house, socialize, be somewhat productive, and stop drowning myself in harmful thoughts, it always seemed that the ultimate end goal was to make me a wageslave. I've worked full time off and on over the past five years and it's nothing short of brutal on my mind. Life becomes a cycle of work, wait to sleep, sleep. Is that what we are supposed to strive for? I guess it's inevitable to return to that cycle? As of now I've been taking advantage of the generosity of family when it comes to food, housing, and internet. What happens when family is gone? I've got skills I could possibly build a career off of but whenever I get close to becoming very good at one of those skills the difficulty throws me back and I stagnate or quit. The thoughts of suicide never went away but I don't want to do that to my family and friends. I do want to live to see the progress (and/or regress) of humanity, I want to see a moon landing, a Mars landing, technological progress, but I can't sustain myself if my family is gone.

>>4239 >Was it really that shameful? I couldn't get it up, and it kept sliding out, I got tired too quickly, and we were on a soykafty mattress. She called quits.. it was pretty bad. >>4247 Thanks for the nice words She's giving me another chance, if I fail, well, what's the point in keeping at it? Women make me awfully anxious, but it's really not about that, but the fact that I am not really much of a catch. I'm dumb, dull, socially retarded, skinny, and I lack all those "Chad" qualities that women like in a man. I'm not even bad looking, which is my only redeeming quality, but as soon as I open my mouth they realize what a loser I am and lose all interest. That's why I can only really hook up with long lasting friends and guess what I have just about 3 female friends. I guess I could say I'm better off than, say, a wizard or a robot, and yet I can't seem to get a women to like me at all...

Nofap you were talking about might help. If not maybe you have some medical issues so try and go to the specialist if this problem will repat. Also it might be because of stress, the most probable IMO. If you are getting tired too quickly conentrate on different aspects of sex, kissing, petting, using your fingers and all this stuff. I know that saying "try to not stress so much" is bullsoykaf and it don't work like that but seriously, work on that. The fact that this girl wants to try again means something. Maybe talk to her that you are stressing out, try longer foreplay. Once I was with a girl and I was quite drunk, she was blowing me for like 20 min and I couldn't make it. I said sorry, it's not working now and we went to sleep, repeated it in the morning, no sweat, everything went OK. It's important that you feel comfortable during sex and with the person you are and that the mood is right (unless you the type who fuarrrks girls in club bathrooms avery friday but I assume you are not) Also are you trying to build a relationship with her or is it just for sex? Good luck either way, hope it will be ok, I had similar problems once and managed to overcome them.

>>4260 I guess if you're lucky you find a therapist who recognizes that whatever lifestyle or level of functionality YOU decide in should be the ultimate goal they help you reach. "Lucky" here meaning having money or living somewhere that reasonable help is even available, or both.

I'm currently studying Applied Computer Science and I'm unhappy with my life. I mostly enjoy programming and math, which makes up almost half of my curriculum, but I don't get any sense of accomplishment from learning something. This leads to what bothers me the most, that lack of fulfillment. I have a friend who joined the army a year ago. We recently talked about how fulfilled his life is now. Laying down and "knowing you did good today" is something that sounds amazing. I don't know what to do, sitting in my room and studying make me feel neither productive nor useful. I took a year off before going to Uni and the feeling of doing no progress is still the same. Any ideas ?

>>4283 Everything depends on how you are seeing the world and thing you do. Objectivly, what good your friend from the army do any day given? It's not better or worse from the guys who sits all day in the office, if that's what make him happy. For me personally it's even worse because I despise any army and military. If you don't feel good when studying then maybe drop the university and try something completely different? Or maybe it's not the thing you do but you are in some kind of depression or something? I have huge problems with motivation and seeing any sense in the things I do but now I don't even care about it. I chose my path and when I have something to do I do it, even if I feel like soykaf and that I am wasting my life. Because I know that when I'm finished it's gonna feel good and I will be able to act normal for a while.

>>4283 The idea here is that you're studying so that you can do good in the future, through the development in technology.

im starting to lose my hair at 17

>>4286 Too much testosterone.

>>4287 That would explain a number of things. fuarrrk I really wish this wasn't happening, just when my self-esteem reached an all-time low. Is there anything I can do? I'm kind of uncomfortable talking about this with my parents..

>>4290 There's OTC medicine to slow hair loss and if it's bad enough you can go on prescription meds for it. It may be natural, since some people just lose their hair super early, but you should see a doctor because sometimes hair loss is a symptom of another issue, especially for younger people. If it's an issue other than male pattern baldness, you may be able to find the cause, fix it, and get your hair back. Alternatively, if it's not gonna get better, just start shaving your head. There's one upside: modern medicine can take skin from the very back of your head and use that to fill in the areas that have went bald. However, doctors will usually refuse to do this unless it appears that you've reached the end of your balding, because you only get to do it once (any time after that, and they can't remove any more from the back of your head). If you're balding early, you'll lose all your hair pretty early, and then you can go for that procedure earlier in life, and have a full head of hair until you die.

>>4290 embrace the memes and drink soy

>>4291 >There's OTC medicine to slow hair loss and if it's bad enough you can go on prescription meds for it. It may be natural, since some people just lose their hair super early, but you should see a doctor because sometimes hair loss is a symptom of another issue, especially for younger people. Honestly seeing how often I have to shave etc. I get the feeling it really is just too much testosterone. My only option for OTC seems to be Rogaine so I might give it a try. >Alternatively, if it's not gonna get better, just start shaving your head. I don't really see this as an option, I can't imagine myself with little or no hair. If push comes to shove I'll have start wearing hats >>4293 >embrace the memes and drink soy Maybe I'll go so far as to start doing this too. Wish me luck lads

>>4294 >I don't really see this as an option, I can't imagine myself with little or no hair. If push comes to shove I'll have start wearing hats If you've got a good beard coming in, you can probably pull off being bald. You won't look as weird as you think you will. Good luck lain.

>>4295 Ive actually seen a few hipster/artsy types pull off bald and no facial hair too. They a little weird looking, but I always find myself super interested in them.

So, today I went back to my usual fetish board from 8ch. Now that I stopped being a waifu autist, I have no connection to it anymore. I find real connections with other people to be way more rewarding even if it's just a shallow chat about the weather or shoes. I also think getting away from typical chan culture has improved my mood too. There's just too much negativity on chan sites.

>>4309 I have similar feelings about chans. For about 2 years lain is the only chan I lurk and I feel much better with it. At first when I got to the chans I was very happy, finally the place for me and I know that I benefitted much from it, change my viewpoint in many cases for better but now I also now I am pretty fuarrrked up in some areas of social interactions. Overall I think it was a good and useful experience but you need to know when to stop it or you will be sitting in wizchan, wanting all women to die. The other thing is that for the last 3 years chans are IMO dead or dying, there is no chan culture anymore, normal people everywhere stealing content, it's not even stealing anymore actually, nothing worth mentioning is happening so there's no really any point to be there. Or maybe all the anons are in some new secret place I don't know about but I don't think so.

>>4310 I don't even blame normal people, I'm just tired of the insane negativity on most chans and really just social media for that matter. It's like most people on them can't actually post without buzzwords or greentexting without really saying anything. To be fair, I'm definitely whining more about just Internet stuff more than anything but of course chan culture as we know it is a part of it. But it's annoying to see boards degrade to reactionary soykaf brewing because some other anon posts something that annoys them. And what's worse is that attitude is what is celebrated now. Maybe I should just make a forum and make a small community there. That could be fun.

I'm so bored that it makes me want to die. I have a million dollars in crypto but nothing reaches out to me. Without friends and social capability, there is nothing. At least committing suicide after making all this money will make me seem a little more interesting in my funeral, maybe. It is an unusual situation

>>4310 > there is no chan culture anymore Good. An imageboard is just an interactive format with certain capabilities different from traditional forums. It shouldn't be assumed that every imageboard is an extension of 4chan just because the interface is similar.

>>4312 Send me all your buttcoins then.

>>4314 I tried to give them to someone that used to care about me and he refused to take any at all

>>4315 ...exactly why you should give them to me who doesn't care about you (actually I might if I knew you) or donate them all to lainchan.

>>4316 Heck, even just give money to people who merely ask for it. I could use even 10k in bitcoin.

>>4317 I bought $600 of euthanasia drugs for some random on a reddit suicide forum

>>4312 Pursue art or some other creative hobby. You can literally do nothing but you'd still have enough money for life. >>4318 What forum?

>>4318 >$600 in drugs Holy hell. I would have just asked for a laptop or power tools. And a suicide forum? That's pretty sad to hear that, I hope that guy found peace.

I'm just so lonely. Sometimes I look at my bed and I see that there should be someone there, but there never is. I need to talk to new people but when it comes down to it most people aren't interesting to me. Why not? Am I just a snob? Probably.

>>4321 I got a new bed two years ago and haven't slept in it for over half that because I sleep on the couch. The bed is too big for one person and feels lonely.

>>4321 People won't tell you any of the interesting things about themselves if they perceive they are being judged (which you do, you have juded most people as boring). Most of the interesting things about people are the things they keep kind of hidden, so you gotta foster an environment/attitude where they feel okay to tell these things your average person might make fun of them for/be scared/worried by.

I feel like im not dateable or even friendable a lot of the time but I am fuarrrkeable. People like to touch me a lot playfully and I always reciperocate with just smiles and laughter. Every now and then someone forceful comes along and it escalates and then they usually leave because I start to like them and its like they only like me if im just kind of playfully distant. They dont really want me just someone to mess around with. Then after I usually cry cause I never explicitly told them it was okay even though I liked it and I feel used cause they just left. Then I feel ashamed because im a guy behaving like a girl, and I also feel like im playing victim cause im a depressed soykaf who enjoys being hurt and then comforting myself after by crying. I think im just going to kind of enhance this, and make it more clear people can do whatever they want to me whenever they want and then I wont be alone cause multiple people will always be using me.

>>4326 I used to feel like that. Girls would only get with me either because they needed a quick fix until someone better came along or because they hadn't had any at all in so long they were just desperate. Now, no one even wants me for that reason. The last person to really love me was born on the wrong side of an international border and I haven't seen her in eight years.

>>4325 I hope I don't come off as judgemental. I've always thought of myself as kinda spacey and distant, because that's what I do when I don't know how to interact with new people.

i can't fuarrrking go on anymore it feels like everything is falling apart around me i don't have anyone to talk to about it i have never had anyone to talk to the gravity of the life ive lived and everything is suddenly hitting me like a fuarrrking freight train i spend every single waking hour jeopardizing my future in some way i don't even know what i want anymore i can't even fuarrrking kill myself i am trapped here in my mind its hard and i cant do it anymore

>>4334 You can talk to us about it. Give us some specfics, we might be able to help.

Really soykafty and kind of breaking down. I've been having flashbacks to childhood memories that I thought I forgot. I feel really cold and start shaking when I get a flashback. It's getting so bad that I started breaking down when doing simple chores. Along with that, I have been feeling that I have depression but I live in a culture that believes that any sort of mental illness is laziness. I just feel guilty all the time about it and I'm doubting about my life choices.

I feel so isolated and alone. I don't have any friends irl and I've spent months at a time in my room. I come to these chans to find people I can interact with and befriend and to be a part of something, but I've only posted here 4 times and on other chans i've been going to for years I've never posted at all. I want to connect, I want to have friends, but I don't know how.

>>4338 Try getting some friends IRL, I don't know if you are working, studying or what but that's the best way. And be prepared that you probably won't connect really with anybody for some time, mainly because as you said you don't know how. This lack of experience in social interactions is something that bothers me too but with time you will see you are getting better and better with that. And the most important thing is don't try to connect, don't be a tryhard, just appreciate the people and the fact that you have someone to spend time with (of course only when those are not toxic relations which are slowly killing you). I was alone for most of my life, never had a longterm relationship and I feel isolated too. I would really like to meet some girl I could feel good and safe with but I see now after many fails that the harder you try the more you fail. Now I have some good friends and it's rather ok. I hope that I will find someone in he future to build some relationship but I don't chase it too much.

>>4338 Friend making isn't easy on websites where you don't have an identity. Some places have threads specifically for making friends, or you could try and join some irc channels or other instant messaging things. I've been wanting to make an imageboard focused on improving yourself, where one of the things is that nameposting is alright so you can befriend people, but I don't have the time, money or experiance.

>>4338 Similar I keep coming here just to break the loneliness, but I rarely post. I just want some human touch but I bet I'd flake in any online friendship

>>4340 > where one of the things is that nameposting is alright That would attract the wrong audience (the usual tripmonkeys who want attention for being nothing special) A chat system would be more useful.

My roomie is having about 10 people over tomorrow. Happily I will be away for the holidays, visiting the old folk... And yet I am unsure about this all.... I don't really want to deal with that much people, I dislike people, and I've met her friends, didn't enjoy it. I don't really feel like putting up a face and having to deal with all that much people, swarming all over my space for hours.... But perhaps I should get out of my comfort zone, I can think of a few reasons why meeting new people is okay, mainly that I might get a new perspective on things, isolating myself has worked out so far, quite honestly, I've done it to not have to accomodate to social standards n soykaf. I also gotta suck it up and learn to get by in uncomfortable social situations and deal with people, I'll need that eventually. So yeah, should I stick around and have a soykafty evening? Or is it better if I just leave and keep enjoying my solitude? I'm likely to just sit there looking at a bunch of extroverts drink n smoke while being totally awkward and detached, so perhaps I will not reap any benefits and I'll just have to deal with having my house hijacked for a night.... Last time she had people over I just went out and walked alone waiting for them to leave. Geez, people make me really anxious. I guess it's better if I leave, in the end.

It's really weird. I was just playing Hyperdimension Neptunia Rebirth 3 and ignore please if you are playing this game for the story The CPUs had to save child IF from Artfoire and after I defeated her, Plutia goes apesoykaf on her with implications of sexual assualt, while the other CPUs don't do anything about it. And then she tries to get the approval of a traumatized kiddie IF. Thank goddness where was no voice acting in that scene. I don't know why I'm so bothered by it. I was perfectly fine with same kind of scene/humor before. I mean, it's just a cheap JRPG with a lot of "lol vidya games references" with little plot and I love the Neptunia games, I play some of the spinoffs on my PC as well. But Plutia's behavior went over the line for me, and it's weird that I would even start to feel weird for playing Neptunia.

Anyone else start to feel you don't fit in on the *chans anymore? I keep trying to go back to how it felt 3-4 years ago, but it just doesn't happen. Even here.

>>4383 Yep. I try to remember its my homeplace almost. I come out of habit and to remember. I always say I should just stop going, but its been my coping mechanism for so long. Every now and then someone says something or makes some assumption about me cause of what I say or how I type and I think geez, I remember when this was my life practically and my perception was that warped. I find as ive matured I have less of an attitude of wow fuarrrk kids on the internet and I just want to help them and impart some advice even though I know they won't take it and think wow fuarrrk this guy, cause I know I would've.

>>4338 I used to be sort of how you are so i know how that is. >I want to connect, I want to have friends, but I don't know how. I cant give you any more wisdom than "it just happens", its true. You do things that you do and meet people along the way, thats how it was for me atleast. You should try to find something that you can enjoy on your own but also be able to exchange yourself with others. >>4369 If you dont enjoy drinking and smoking i dont recommend it. >>4383 Pretty much, but i keep forcing myself, after all i dont have much else left.

>>4383 I know that I don't. To most channers, I'm just a retarded normal user who needs to kill himself for having bad taste. But I keep coming back to chans. I only really post here on Lainchan now.

>>4369 At some point you have to selfishly fuarrrk up a little socially and risk potentially being a nuisance/outcast or whatever so you can learn and get used to meeting new people, and in the future people will actually enjoy your presence.

>>4334 Is it productivity, a missed opportunity or something else ? Maybe you can help somebody else by talking about it.

I have to rearrange my fifth driving test due to work experience. Every time I think about driving I just feel awful, like I'm a failure. I've been jewed out of so much money at this point. I won't even need to drive in the foreseeable future. It's just been a colossal waste of time and money, but I'm in too deep to give up. I can drive just fine, but I've fuarrrked up every test somehow due to my nerves getting the best of me. My friend even got me a present for when I pass, which I've had for about 6 months unopened, that makes me feel even worse because they've put their hope in me so many times and I've just disappointed them. I've made posts like this a few times over the last few months, but it really is getting to me and it can't be good.

>>4412 Some things take time, man. I actually put off my driving test for a long time because being on the road was hell on my nerves. I went through the proper channels for driver's training when I was 16, but procrastinated up until the very end. I was a college senior without a driver's license. Tried to keep it secret because I was so ashamed. Got around just fine with public transportation, though. You're trying and there's something to be said about that. First try, second try, eleventh try--no sweat. At least you're putting in the work, showing up for each test. I was too chicken soykaf to do that for, like, seven years. I'm in your corner, man. Good luck.

I'm going to kick Mark Shuttleworth in the dick. I just want to use an easy distro but in 17.10 nothing fuarrrking works besides the preinstalled programs. Brave won't launch despite being on the front page of the software center, evolution daemons are running in the background despite evolution not being installed(?), my HDMI monitor isn't recognized so I'm stuck on DVI, etc. 17.04 was perfectly fine for me, why did the next point release break literally everything? This isn't fuarrrking arch, I just want to use my baby distro in peace.

>>3494 r/im14andthisisdeep

Instead of having a carefree Christmas I learned through an offhandedly comment that my very good friend whom I believed to trust slept with my first love soon after we had split apart. He knew everything about the whole failed relationship and told me that he wouldn't do anything with her and I learn that he does so behind my back. I'm hurt and exhausted, I thought I'd finally left all this behind me. I suppose it's still behind me but losing my trust in someone I lived with for a year and was a good friend stings. Guess I'm just exhausted Lain. At least I can leave tomorrow and continue living my life away from these fools.

>>4412 I completely understand what you are feeling here. Driving is terrifying and exciting. I would also posit that it is a huge expense on terms of life and money in the developed world. I rode a bicycle and a sub 50cc moped for a few years before I got my license. I still prefer to bike or ride my moped(now motorcycle) to work over driving in a car. I can highly recommend biking to work if your city is conducive to it.

>>4436 I slept with a friend's girlfriend a few years ago and it still hurts me to this day. I finally apologized recently and although he's forgiven me for the most part and we get along well I'm not sure I can forgive myself. What's worse is the cheating thing seems to be a theme in my life, all but one of the girls I've had sex with were in relationships at the time, and the other had just broken it off with her bf and I think was doing it somewhat out of spite. On top of that a friend of mine's girlfriend has on multiple occasions told me she wants to fuarrrk me and although I have been able to say no it really makes me wonder if there's just something about my character that attracts these sort of issues. It makes me feel as though I'm not seen as relationship material and I'm only good for my physical characteristics. Anyway back to what >>4436 was talking about, if he's at all human he will learn from this. It took me some time to really feel the guilt but now it is strong enough to bring me to tears at times. I'm sorry you had to be a part of his mistake but remember that it probably was a lapse in judgement. That doesn't mean you have to forgive him, but try to imagine how disgusted you might feel with yourself if you had done the same thing

>>4439 I am like you when it comes to girls in relationships. I don't know why but those who are free are not as interesting as those with boyfriends for me. 2 years ago I also slept with a friend's girlfriend. He still doesn't know about this but their relationship ended soon after. We were sleeping together for some time and now we are still friends (however I am not in touch with this guy anymore). I could have a pretty nice relationship with her, we get along really good and I would probably be happy with her and she with me but I bailed out. Now she has another boyfriend and I started thinking again about her. I don't know why but I often flirt with girls that I know have boyfriends and not those who are free, so I could actually have a chance for a relationship (which I would like). It looks like I am an awful person

>>4447 How ironic that it gave me the name meddler. I've been trying so hard to not continue the behavior but it's almost as though it's easier for me to get comfortable with girls that are in relationships. I don't necessarily find myself more attracted to them though.

Through saving up money and making some lucky investments, I can fund a month long trip at some point during summer. It's one I want to go on, and one I feel I should as I've only left the country once. I am 20, living with my parents, and currently studying for a degree. Due to the line of work I intend to go into, I find it doubtful that I will be able to have an opportunity for a trip that long until I'm retired. Last year I was guilt tripped out of going on a week long holiday to France by my mother after paying for a return flight, and I worry the same thing will happen especially with higher stakes, as it were. Despite it being my money, that I have earned, I suspect she will be heavily against my choice to go. What should I do?

>>4477 Do it. Especially if you think work will prevent you from getting away for decades.

I feel like i'm in this perpetual state of brain-fog, and I can't seem to understand the actual reason why. I've heard that constant consumption of caffienated beverages is a cause of it, and I am the type of person to rely on said drinks, but I'm still not certain. Can drinks with high amounts of caffiene/sugar/glucoses actually cause the brain to get all foggy, or is it just a meme?

>>4477 Abso fuarrrking lutely go. If you won't, you'll definitely regret it later. If you do, there's a large chance it'll be a life-changing experience. Just pick your country well. I recommend Japan.

I keep having dreams where I've got a girlfriend or wife, but I'm a kissless handholdless virgin, currently at uni. Lately this situation weighs a lot on my shoulders, whenever I think about it I completely lose my appetite, but it's like my brain does this on purpose. Maybe I enjoy those dreams because it pictures me in a situation I've never and may never live? I don't know. I like these kinds of threads, it gives us a chance to talk about things we may never talk to others about for fear of being considered pathetic. Thank you, anon starting these threads.

>>4482 yes, I've found that when my sugar intake is high my brain gets slower.

>>4491 Not that lainon, but does that count for caffeine as well?

The year is ending and I hide my deep, crippling depression with a smile. I've considered suicide, but I back out because I still have things I want to do. Distance, time and existence still gets in the way, though.

>>4489 I'm in the same situation. Almost exactly. As I said earlier in this thread, I've never loved anybody and so don't really know how to deal with this problem. There's no girl I particularly want to be with but I'm sick of being unloved all the bloody time.

Showed fam a vid about Junji Ito, because I know my sister would be into that kinda horror soykaf, mom joined in on the watching, said it was "interesting", later referred to it as "your Japanese cartoon crap". fuarrrking normalsoykafs can't fuarrrking appreciate a damn thing with any real substance, they only care about projecting a facade, most of them don't even have any hobbies.

Lainons needed 5 of these threads now I am concerned

>>4558 >substance >anime Sorry bud

>>4577 >neurosuggesting GiTS or jin roh didn't have substance its just a medium by which to tell a story. Sometimes the story can be good, and sometimes it can be bad. I don see what the problem is with >>4558 being upset that his family cant understand that he wanted to show his sister something she might be interested in. >>4576 aside form being gathering spots for loners and those with crippling social problems, what good are image boards for? its a type of support group, and the anonymous nature lets people vent without openly doing it where they would get chastised. normal people do it too, just on twitter and fakebook

>>4586 >what good are image boards for? Having pseudo anonymous discussion with strangers doesn't necessarily need to mean "insider trade let it all out threads" where people whine. Anonymous nature of things means that more people will show their true colors in any discussion, yes, but it doesn't mean that we have to huddle and fake some kind of caring to each other. I don't give a soykaf about you because I don't know you and don't know where you are in the world. I would guess image boards are sort of truth filter in the very least. You won't be bothered with reputation building of pseudonym or your own identity. You won't be bothered with upboats and shares and likes xDDD, but you will say things how they really are. Don't get me wrong, it might include such insider trade threads like this, but in my opinion this only stiffles any true discussion and wastes time. If you need a hug go look for it IRL. Don't delude yourself into thinking online people care for you in any way even if you are good friend of theirs in private chats. They are only looking for emotional crutch from you. You are an object to them, get that to your thick skull.

>>4587 >Don't delude yourself into thinking online people care for you in any way even if you are good friend of theirs in private chats. They are only looking for emotional crutch from you. You are an object to them, get that to your thick skull. That's a little cynical. I love several of my online friends and I don't think of them as anything other than human. If I'm capable of caring for internet friends and not thinking of them as objects, then other people are capable of it, too. I've also seen people I know IRL care deeply for their internet friends. Don't be so jaded, lain.

>>4589 This. If I truly care for them why shouldn't they care for me? Also, fair enough if you're not up for joining in the venting but complaining about it is hypocritical. If we're incapable of caring for internet people then why would we care that this disquiets you? Just hide threads from this board and move on. Also, calling compassion "insider trading" is way off the mark. It's not uncommon that you only care for those around you but it's far from universal either. Lain is love. Wherever you go everyone is connected.

>>4489 unless you are truly ugly, both inside and out, chances are you'll love and be loved by at least one person in your life. >>4517 basically means you haven't met anybody you're attracted to yet. I was in the same boat for years. Basically you gotta get out and meet people.

Are aesthetics really something that we appreciate or are they a corporate invention ?

>>4613 buddy you got no idea. You really believe aesthetic and beauty is something that came up during the rise of capitalism? All the art and philosophy created prior was only produced to get your greens? I hate being negative but you ought to spend some time with something old, history pre 18th century.

Only 8 months now until i can move out to college. Pretty much all holidays with my family has been soykaf so im planning to not spend any holdays with them for 1 year, whether alone or with friends. Its going to be so relieving to finally close this chapter of my life that i have been mockedly been reminded of the past 3 years. I will finally be able to breath out free of anxiety when close to immigrant youth without the fear of someone from my past being there and waiting to mock me. Im gonna cut contact with my asshole of a brother, fuarrrk him. Im never going to return here.

>>4616 It's a thought that hopped in my mind after finding that I spend "too much" time thinking about what I enjoy looking at. I felt guilty buying more expensive things, just because they look better. I'm sorry if it offended you.

>>4628 I don't think it's a bad thought personally. But both could be true to a certain extent, without forgetting that the overall tradition of art and art appreciation, while articulated in distinct ways within modern capitalism, isn't entirely the result of capitalism or any specific corporate entity. As for whether we truly appreciate art, we could say that, if you feel you appreciate it, you do, yet this isn't a satisfying answer as the reasoning feels circular. You're on the right path when you begin to think that this appreciation is itself the result of your own past and the ideas you've been exposed to (which corporations, by and large, control access to through distribution, advertising, pricing, and so on; it also reflects your personal background and how these corporations have targeted your class, nationality, ethnicity, race, gender, and identity generally). The standards of beauty of which you're aware can be said to result from corporations and capitalism, but corporations had to use standards which make sense to everyone and are related to prior aesthetic standards. They have to affect people in such a way that they appreciate the art that the corporation is trying to sell. This idea of artistic beauty that people have is both being formed through exposure or re-exposure to the standard and being directed toward the art object being sold. So there's a dialogue here between an individual's standard of beauty and whatever corporation is attempting to sell. That standard is formed in some sense by the control exerted by corporations, yet, as I mentioned, the standard isn't simply invented but taken from elsewhere and contingent upon some historical standard which may have little relation to capitalism beyond its being emphasized and what about the standard is being emphasized. Regardless, we don't come into existence with strong ideas about aesthetics (although there may be weak inherent preferences), so I think that the feeling of appreciation can be said to be true to the extent that they are as much our own as is anything else we believe or feel. There are other ways in which you can think about the problem of art and aesthetics. One way I found productive was how art came to be centered around institutions rather than individual patrons, and the institutions participate in creating aesthetic standards and being affected in turn by individual artists who push or submit to those standards. This post is already too long, though, so I'll stop here.

Some time ago I had a friend and we were sleeping together for some time. W had fun but after a while we decided to end this however we remained normal friends, we were hanging out and stuff. About 1 year later we were returning from some party and we went to her place cause we thouth it would be nice to do it again. However as I entered her apartement I got an awful panic attack, I wasn't able to think straight, I was literally terrified. It was connected to some things going on in my life at that time, I was in quite soykafty mental condition. I told her that I cannot do it, that I must leave immidiately and left her while she was already in the towel. Later I wrote to her that I had panic attack, that I'm in bad shape and that I am really sorry for what happend. I asked her very clearly if she could keep this whole situation to herself, the last thing I nedeed back then was other people gossiping about me behind my back. She said of course, it was strange but she understand. Today I found out that the same night it happend she told it to my friend. She told him most of the things that were going on between us, the things I was telling her about myself and how was I in bed. Now I am not even mad, I am not angry. In some way it makes me calm because now I am sure again that I shouldn't trust the others. She was the only person I trusted lately, trust might be not a perfect word but I was willing to open up before her, tell her some personal stuff. Treated her more like a very close friend than someone I just sleep with and she told me the same thing once. The only thing that I am wondering about is why people are like that. What kind of joy they get from talking about close people behind their back? I had trust issues for whole my life. I trusted nobody for many years but lately I was beginning to believe that maybe I was wrong. It looks now that I wasn't. I really tried to fit into society, during highschool I was into full basement mode, sitting in front of PC for days. During university I worked hard and was able to maintain some normal contacts with people, went to parties, met with others, made some friendships. I even believed that now that we are all older and more mature, they are different and I can start all over again, I won't be an outcast anymore. Apparently anon will always remain anon and I will never understand how it all works and fit into them and now I know that I don't want to.

After a month of me rejecting her (many) advances, an ex-fwb forced her way in my room and refused to leave when I told her to leave many, many times. She got on my bed without my permission, starting talking to me about having sex, and refused to leave, and after I repeatedly stated that she needed to leave because she was being inappropriate, I didn't want her in my room, and I didn't want to do anything lewd. Then she forced my legs apart while continuing trying to talk me into having sex with her. Then she held me down for several minutes and continued to try to talk me into sex for a long period of time, during which I continued to repeatedly tell her that she was being inappropriate, that I didn't want to do anything lewd, and that she needed to leave. She got angry with me, but eventually left after I said nothing other than, "Leave," "Get out," and the like for an hour or so. Her demeanor and language throughout the whole ordeal was pretty scary and threatening. I feel disgusted by the whole thing. The same girl has also tried to break my fingers while she drunk on two occasions and told me she'd have to kill the next girl I have sex with, or kill me if I have sex with another girl. Now every time I try to sleep, I feel disgusted and unsafe. She's a friend of my roommate, so I know I'll have to see her again soon enough, and now I don't know what she'll do if she's able to get me alone with her again, and I'm afraid she'll do something more drastic. Makes me feel sick.

>>4650 sounds like you're a "good boy" she wanted to settle down with and potentially steal your sperm good job on begoning that thot

How should I deal with comparing myself to others and feeling average at best all the time? Despite putting effort into something - related to my education or not - I feel like I'm just miles away before others. People around more likely tend to focus, thus their results are much better over short periods of time. At moments I'm feeling just stupid, with innate inability to learn. Having perfectly average IQ around 110 doesn't help either. Just made me scared to even repeat those soykafty tests - what if 110 was just a stroke of good luck? Recently I've been watching lots of lectures by Jordan Peterson, and as I saw how much emphasis he puts on IQ above anything else, it was just humiliating. I know, smart people like to brag about how smart they are but it's just painful to me. Maybe I'm taking this too personal? I've never been good at math but despite this I chose to educate myself further into IT. Constant catching up with others, seeing hardly any effort from their side and passing with flying colors nonetheless kills me inside. Oh, and I was college dropout last year, started from scratch few months ago but I have no faith in my skills anyway. I'm not sure if I'm good enough just to survive this year. So I began to think - maybe I'm condemned to be this average guy from the background everyone compares to just to feel better? Or maybe I'm bragging too much?

I've had to move my driving test again

>>4688 you are failure in life

>>4688 Good luck on the test Lain. You can do it.

>>4663 >>4663 I know how you feel. I feel this way often. Its funny though, when I am around others and I bring it up, they often tell me the exact opposite of what my internal perceptions are telling me. So I suspect I am just missing the greatness under my own nose. Often I find that I am my worst critic and my greatest ally. Even though I perform average on most standard tests (C-B student usually with the occasional D)and in the IQ area(105), and am admittedly not a genius by any means, I still seek to rise to the perceived level of my peers. Before you start to blame yourself, make sure you are not in fact, just surrounded by assholes or people that are just generally above average. Really, comparing any individual with any other is a rather arbitrary measure. It has it's merits but at the same time can become a very discouraging influence for we second besties. My solution has been to strive regardless of my internal feelings and when I am at my most frustrated to strive even harder. The angrier I get the stronger I become. Before I know it, I am passing up my peers and overcoming challenges, and when I finally get a rest somewhere along the way, it feels fantastic. Not sure if this helps with your life, but I hope I could contribute meaningfully to your experience.

Lately I've been feeling extreme jealousy about my lack of romantic experience. It's gotten to the point where I'm unable to watch anime about young people (high schoolers, usually) having girlfriends, experiencing love. When I see happy couples, I want to die. Just to give you an idea how bad it is, I had to stop watching Cardcaptor Sakura because of the popular guys Sakura was falling in love with. During my high school (my country's equivalent, anyway) I was very depressed, didn't take care of myself and therefore didn't really talk to girls. Now I'm 20, still depressed but at least I dress nicely, look alright (in my opinion) and can talk to coworkers, family and friends normally. Is the only way to fix this fuarrrked up mental state about love to actually find a girlfriend? I'm afraid even that won't help, since I'd still feel jealous about how soykafty my High school days were.

I had some months where I was really productive, constantly in a good mood and sleeping less than ideal but not feeling tired at all. I'd wake up, do my stuff until I had to sleep - when I managed to - and repeat this. Before that I couldn't do a thing nor stay awake - I'd sleep 12-15h per day and feel like doing nothing, it seemed beyond my control. Now I feel like I'm going back to this kind of depressed state of mind, and I really don't want it - I'll try my best to not slump again, but I'm afraid willpower alone won't do soykaf.

>>4689 Fifth time's the charm, right? >>4695 Thank you

Hey guys I'm back and good news. I finally fell in love. Except it's with a housemate thats with somebody else and has no interest in me in that way. And just when I've gained the confidence to try dating. fuarrrking hell it's driving me mad.

How naive am I? I feel that my life has ended up pointed to a crossroad of sorts where I have to make the decision whether I have to choose to live by my ideals or by what I think could change my current state of depression, and I think that I have chosen my ideals. I am unable to make any true connections with people. I have no real friends and I have never had any sort of sexual experience; not even flirting. With myself I choose to not talk to anyone and I have no goals or ambitions. I recognize that these faults lie entirely on me and now I think I’m suffering because my ideals do not allow me to change. I believe that I should just try to accept who I am as a loner. I don’t want to be ashamed by being the person who I really am. And so I also won’t change who I am or how I think, whether its temporarily or forever; by using drugs and alcohol or being overcome with emotion. I don’t find this to be healthy. I find that this makes me uninteresting and just a shadow of a body but I can’t seem to change it when I feel that I am adhering to my virtues as best as possible. Love is now a distant thing for me, it seems. I was never aggressive with it because I feel guilty when I develop initial attraction through lust instead of companionship. I didn’t actually want any sort of companionship ever until very late. And now I am just a man with no confidence and no idea how to even talk to a girl. I’m just hoping that staying true to myself and my feelings will save but it’s not hard to see that it’s not working. So am I naive? Am I not doing something good for myself?

>>4650 An update. Yesterday, she tried to contact me again and I told her to stay away from me and to not contact me anymore. She called my roommate crying and saying she was going to kill herself, then hung up on him. He called her back and her sister answered. Apparently she ran off and left her phone behind just before her sister went to check on her. Haven't heard any updates since.

My mental health has been in a very bad downwards spiral and I just now took a step back and realized how bad it is. I have daily panic attacks, often waking up into one. I didn't think these were panic attacks until I looked them up, I just though I had especially bad anxiety. My appetite is starting to get really low, I barely ate anything yesterday. I've been slacking off with my work and school responsibilities and it just adds to my stress. I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears and one day I'm going to start crying at the worst time. I hate to say it, but I'm starting to get mild suicidal thoughts. Well, more like my sense of self-preservation is gone. I really need to see a psychologist at this point. It's getting worse every day and I don't fuarrrking know what to do. I took a couple screening tests online and they say that I'd probably have a serious panic and depressive disorder. But I can't. My parents are seriously struggling financially and the last thing they need to know is that their son (who they assume to be healthy) is seriously fuarrrked up. Is it possible to consult a psychologist online? Have any of you ever been in a situation like this?

For months I had been procrastinating about finding a job after graduating from university. Any step toward getting employed was painful without reason, but feeling judged by family and friend was painful as well. To the point where I started to think that killing myself would be the most rational think to do ; I probably would have done it if it wasn't for the fact that I would have left my mom alone, and didn't want to burden her with another suicide in her immediate family. Then I got a job from a friend of friend of a family member, without resolving my underlying issues of procrastination. While I am qualified for the job, I still don't feel like I deserve it as a result. And now, after less than a month working, I realize that I feel even worse than ever before. Even though I'm living on my own again and don't even dislike the job, there is something about being employed, spending height hours a day in a small space with a dozen other people, that makes me feel ill. And now my suicidal thoughts are getting worse than ever.

I realized within the past few months that i have suicidal tendencies when switching meds. I spent a lot of time idealizing how i want to kill myself. i told some people. i'm looking for a therapist. but something ive noticed is i've started hanging around one of my friends a lot more often. and ive been trying to organize with people more often, trying to meet up with friends i don't see very often to play games or something. My friends are very introverted and can be shut ins. On one hand i want to respect their privacy and needs to be left alone. But on the other going long periods of time without seeing anyone makes me think about soykaf like: living life while feeling like complete garbage isn't worth it. I want to tell them that it makes me feel a lot less like death when i see them, but i don't want them to hang out with me cause they think they need to baby sit me or out of pity. its weird. I'll be alright tho.

>>4916 >I realized within the past few months that i have suicidal tendencies when switching meds. That's pretty common. I read a study once that revealed something like you're most likely to kill yourself when starting meds, switching meds, and going off meds, in that order. I think it was double or triple as likely that depressed people will kill themselves as the start or switch meds as they would have if they were depressed and didn't start meds.

I've considered putting a stop to taking pills that keep me alive. A passing thought at first, but it ever becomes more insistent as the years go by. Even these stupid little capsules hurt. But there's still things to do. Things to complete. I'll try and stay alive until the last work is complete. Goodnight, lainons.

>>4822 I don't know if this is universal, but I know that in some countries schools are required to have psychologists available to help the students. Also, in some places undergraduate students of psychology do sessions for free for the community, and they are supervised by a professional. You should try and look for these resources if you are struggling financially.

Why the fuarrrk can't I escape porn? I only go to worksafe sites but I still end up finding the nastiest fuarrrking porn soykafting up the most unexpected places. It pisses me off. Why does using the internet mean I have to see porn every fuarrrking day? I'm done with porn and never want to see it again, but apparently there's a special type of asshole who gets off to showing nasty soykaf to strangers who don't want it. I fuarrrking hate them. Stop spreading your degenerate soykaf. Nobody wants it. fuarrrk off. It's not even the occasional nude photo, it's the nastiest porn you can find out of the fuarrrking blue.

I'm terrified of getting cyberbullied or trolled, specially terrified of S'A goons, I've started using social media recently and I'm afraid they can track me down and do something to me. recently on a discord server I've posted some people has said they've enjoyed the site and that scares me, I'm scared that if I offer my friendship they'll stab me. Every person I see I'm afraid they may be one Recently I've changed my way of thinking about the internet, years ago I thought that the internet wasn't meant to be taken seriously and the people who took it seriously got trolled now I think the internet is a very serious think that affects us in real life, we need internet civism and goons represent the old idea that everything is a joke but if we look at the internet right now that joke has been going on for far too long.

>>5037 The internet has many cultures, stick to places that share the culture you are looking for.

>>5037 Follow the few basic rules for privacy and safety. Don't post your location, real name or interact with family members or close friends with the account you mentioned. Oh and don't post selfies either (well unless it's entirely for friends and family and set private) Goons n kiwis act like they can get you by a single post.but they only gather info like everyone else

I fuarrrked up ya'll. I was dating a really amazing girl going on about 3 and a half months, but for some reason I just kinda imploded. I got super depressed and my anxiety came back hard. I don't know why the fuarrrk I did this, but I decided to break up with her. This solved nothing and my depression got worse and I still see her frequently as friends because she's an awesome person but I think it may be fuarrrking me up more like this. I tried explaining her my situation and my feelings and she was very understanding but does not want to be back together with me (very understandable from her position). Now I'm just fuarrrking sad and without this amazing girl and I fuarrrked up so badly i fuarrrking hate myself so much for all of this. I can barely eat im sleep ing to much and all i want to do is fuarrrking cry. I think I'm going to go back to therapy soon hopefully that will help. But for now life is like kicking dead whales down the beach, appreciate the ones you love and don't fuarrrk everything up. fuarrrk

>>4981 Good night anon if you're still reading this >>5034 What sites are you using were porn just comes to you like that? if you're on imageboards the thumbnails should be enough to warn you >>5038 That's what we all do, I'm afraid of people outside of that culture >>5040 Yes, I'm very serious about security but is never enough >>5041 Dude just having a gf is an accomplishment on these places, yes go back to therapy you're on the right path if you already got a gf once.

I'm torn between who I am naturally and who I strive to be. Sounds obvious, after all if I were who I wanted to be naturally I wouldn't have to strive at all. The problem is, if I am acting as the person I'd like to be but resenting the effort I have to make then am I truly being that ideal person?

I dreamed about slashing people while singing Sweney Todd-esque opera about killing them. I feel alien to this planet, to humanity as a whole. I see faces, their reactions, their emotions and reasonings but I can't see people. This is not going to end well and I know that. I need help but don't know where to ask for it without appearing edgy or getting people scared. I don't expect any good replies to come my way, I assume just mindless empathy sprinkled with suggestions I can't do at the moment. What matter is the thought, right? Hahahhaha I guess I am just venting, much easier than doing something about it

>>5053 transforming and changing is a normal part of being a person, your issue should be if the person you strive to be is who you truly want to be and if that person will be good with what you already have. >>5060 pal, go outside and make friends

I got a girlfriend more than a week ago. Everything was going well even though i have social anxiety. But then she starts to ignore me for like 3 days. Maybe it is about her friend which doesn't like me. She stays at her house for now.Also she said her phone doesn't work but then changed her instagram last active thing to off. I think she just wants to break up with me she didn't delete our picsthough. 90% she is lying about her phone. Should i wait for her to message me or should i just start gossipping about her and get her new enemies befriend her ex or something?

>>5034 Loneliness is one of the reasons you want to watch porn. Just drop it suddenly, go out, meet your friend or get new ones. Also don't use the internet a lot. I dropped it all of a sudden and made a little lifestyle change. Also i wanted to tell you the downsides just before i finish posting this. First of all get used to ejaculate in you sleep and you probably don't do it but you can't eat your sperm for extra protein.

>>5061 I have a lot of friends I don't like any of them

>>5068 Time you go to therapy

I'm going to ask a girl out for coffee this friday. I don't feel ready for a relationship right now. At least once a week I have a depressive episode where everything feels hopeless and I want to give up. I feel broken and I don't want to burden someone else with my feelings. Despite this, I can't stop thinking about being in a relationship with this girl, doing things like cuddling and spending time with each other. I thought if I kept ignoring these thoughts they'd eventually stop, but it's been almost 2 months now and nothing has changed. I figure that if I ask her out, I'll either be able to ignore these thoughts more easily if she says no, or if she says yes I'll get to see if a relationship would work between us. When I see her this friday I'm going to make small talk for a few minutes (I've come to realize that I'm actually kind of good at that!) and then casually ask her out, so I can't make up an excuse about not having the right moment. I've done this before and I know I can do it again. Making this post for the sake of accountability, I will report back on how it goes!

>>5082 I have depressive episodes too, also sometimes anxiety and small panic attacks and also just started to meeting with a new girl. I often thought that I'm not ready for that, just like you, but I came to realisation that with this kind of attitude I will never be ready. I try as hard as I can to fight off those moods, try to be normal. Ignoring those thoughts never work in my case but I still try to meet with people. From my experience I can say that once you start socializing it gets better. Loliness is the worst for your mental state and it will get worse while you wait to get better so you could finally go out. I think you are doing the right thing to asking her out. Just don't be clingy or tryhard and don't try to be "too normal" because she will see that someting is going on. Relationships might be hard but failing is the part of learning so don't give up. I wish you good luck and wait for the report.

>>5082 Look I've been posting in this thread man. The girl I love is with a trans person who's a drug addict, has depression and frequencly goes through episodes of one thing or another. Point is that it can be done.

>>5082 Good luck Lain, don't pussy out and remember to tell us how it went

I recently got promoted at work and had to stop talking to my only friend due to fraternization reasons. After my promotion, 4 of my coworkers left and now I'm alone and in charge of 30 something junior people and I don't know how to do soykaf because there was no turnover after I assumed the position. I can't quit (military), and my superiors refuse to get anybody to help me so I've been working 16 hour days every day since mid December. I'm already seeing mental health, but they can't do anything to help me besides prescribe more medication unless I'm declared unfit for duty, and I don't want to have to attempt to kill myself to get out of the situation because it is an important job I do and I can't leave my guys behind when the rest of their leadership fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach so much. I just want a friend to help me work through everything. I miss hanging out with you so much peach. Please don't hate me.

I have a series case of OCD. For the past few years now I've had spells where I obsess and obsess over "unwanted thoughts". Sometimes it can tune them out by doing something else, but sometimes they are so much that they distract from everything else. At the very worst I've felt pains in my stomach from stressing out so much. I've had problems like this since I was a child too with invasive thoughts. For example I was a very religious boy but invasive thoughts had me think about blasphemous things that I always tried to just stop thinking about. While the thoughts are no longer the same thing, they still plague me daily, sometimes for hours and hours. It's not so much what these thoughts are, since they are always something that will bother me, but rather it's about how they are affecting me, and I know no real way to stop them.

Depression has kicked in on me once again, five months later. Almost two years of struggling with this soykaf, and it's back. This huge fuarrrking cunt.

I think porn and video games have ruined my life.

>>5136 Anhedonia Only thing left is for you to go into what Jung called a "Hero's journey"

>>5139 Can you recommend some starting point on this subject? A book?

>>5141 Sorry, but it is what you have to do on your own

>>5142 If that's so, why did you reply to me in the first place?

I don't feel like i belong in society, which isn't to say i look down on people or that i'm inept when trying to be part of society, i just don't work very well in it. Through most of my teenage years I've tried very hard to be a part of it and i was fairly successful, i look appealing and i can be very charismatic, which i hope you won't understand it as bragging, my point is that i was never unable to fulfill the average idea of a good life, but it just didn't work, it never felt like what i wanted. In early adulthood (I'm still fairly young, below 30) i had a traumatic experience due to this behavior, which made me quit my job, college, relationships, etc.. I can say that at this point I've overcome this trauma, however when "going back" into society i couldn't really function. Work in meatspace drained me to the point where i quit my job and lived for years barely eating enough to survive and pay my bills. I've had relationships only to give up on them after a few months since they drained me in a similar way, every attempt to be a part of society weighs me to the point where i don't think i can be a part of it anymore. I'm at a point in life where i don't think i can go back into it, i found a way to provide for myself financially without leaving home (remote work) and i'm satisfied, i'm less happy than i was a few years ago, but i'm more consistent, content. Maybe this is a sign that I'm giving up, and slowly i'm coming to the realization that that's ok, that maybe not being a part of society is a valid way to live. I still want people, i still want an SO, i still want friends, i'm just unwilling to go through the effort of finding the kind of people who will comfort me(and i comfort them) as much as being alone comforts me, i'm also afraid of reliving the trauma i had a few years ago. Being alone doesn't make me sad anymore as it used to, i don't feel like i need other people to live a satisfied life, however i'm aware of how much better things could be when around people i can genuinely enjoy. Anyway, as the thread says, this is just venting, hopefully someone who feels similarly can be comforted by the thought that this behavior isn't unique to them.

>>5158 It's okay to be like that, man.

>>5158 Damn, you should try socializing little by little and see if there are any improvements

e-hug

I despise myself. I went on a date with a girl and through the evening I wasn't able to make any move despite we were already meeting couple of times, kissed and all that stuff. Now I don't know if I didn't blew it because of my undecisivness and this situation is giving me tons of anxiety. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought I have made some progress with myself but today I feel like soykaf again. I try not to make a fool of myself but the result is exactly the opposite.

>>5158 Hey, I have been through something extremely similar myself. To some extent I still am in the same situation too. I had a 3 year and half gap where depression hit me, mostly from realizing I didn't enjoy life in society or could give any meaning to it. During that gap I was completely isolated, and ever since recovering from it I am now unable to work for longer than a month before losing it, I can't go out - everything involving outside and others tires me (unless I'm behind my screen, then it's fine). However lately I've slowly been doing better. I found a passion in art and painting and have been trying to limit my social integration attempts to that. I go out to museums, and they drain me so much I usualy am unable to do anything for the rest of the day but I still do that once a month at least. I go to a painting class once a week as well. Before that I had no social circle, no friends or family in meatspace. I felt completely cut out from society and it was somehow comfortable. But I'm glad to be slowly reconnecting with it. I don't think I will ever go back to he normal kind of life that was expected from me but I'm glad I didn't fully embraced that life and stayed a little bit in touch with society. I think it's worth it. Find something you love, and reconnect slowly with it.

>>5197 don't worry about it. You'd be surprised how far that goes towards dating success. >>5158 honestly I think I'm starting on the same path myself. I hate it so much but... I'm starting to think other people aren't for me. My only social interaction most days is with my roommates.