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Tomorrow will be a month since she killed herself. We were best friends. Our only friends. I loved her like I could never love my own family. She was a very important part of my life. She killed herself. She was on pain, on depression. I understand it. I tried to kill myself as well. I was unlucky. I somehow survived and woke up on a hospital. She was dead when her family finally managed to open the locked door of her room. I've been suffering from depersonalization and de-realization from months. My heart is usually completely shut, I also suffer schizoid PD. But I cried. It hurt. I cried until my throat was sore, my eyes couldn't see, and the pain in my chest was extremely intense. I thought I was going to finally have the heart attack I've been causing to myself. I felt anxiety like I had never felt before. I felt horror when I heard the dirt covering her coffin. Tomorrow, I'll start travelling again to where she is buried. I've left enough cat food for four days if I were to come back late. It will be the second time my cat will sleep alone. Lately I've been awoken by my own screams. I'm always screaming "Shut up!" for some reason. The first thing I do when I become conscious is to question myself if she is really dead, or if it's some kind of fabrication, and she is still alive, somehow. I wear one of her earrings. That tells me she is really dead. I need a lot of medication to fall asleep. It had helped me, so going to sleep stopped being scary to me. Now, I'm scared witless. My eyes are wide open, extremely open. If I look into a mirror I can see lots of white. I'm terrified. I don't want to go. I don't want to accept that she is dead. That I'll never hear her voice again. That I'll never hug her again. That I won't hear her embarrassed laugh at my lame jokes. Her family is very catholic, though she was not. It was my influence. They speak of her as if she were resting somewhere, free from her suffering. Me, I'm afraid to forget her voice, her face, her love. I'm scared. Truly scared. I don't know what to do. I really don't know. I don't think I'll be able to hold on. I think my sanity is slipping. I don't want to be sent to a mental hospital again. But I'm rejecting reality in too many levels. I don't, I can't accept she is dead. I'm too scared.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry anon. Just take it slow and easy for a while. It's been a hard time for you and it shows. Think, if she were here what would she think of this? Of you and the pain you're experiencing? She was your friend and she cared for you and she wouldn't want to see you fall apart, especially not due to her. For now, take it a day at a time and keep it together. Just focus on the day to day and take comfort where you find it. As time goes on and you start to come to terms, remember her and what she would have wanted for you. Live a good life. Make her memory proud.

I experienced a similar situation. Fortunately, she did not kill herself, but in return, we stopped talking with each other, forever. It was better this way. It was very strong relationship, but very toxic relationship as well... It lasted a long time. Years. But one day, it's over... When that happened, I cried for days, I was depressed for about 2 years after that, and i barely left home, it was the worst period of my life by far. My mind tormented me a lot with memory flashbacks, I was dwelling in the past, daydreaming all day long, everyday, and I tried to kill myself several times. But i learned the lesson: Never get too attached to people. NEVER. Because of this I became a very closed person, more than i already was. But i became stronger too, I became a calm, serene, emotionally independent person after 2 years of pain, depression and sadness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy, my life is still the same, but I'm not sad either. All i feel is stillness, inner peace and joy. You'll get better, trust me.. Even if it takes months, years. Don't worry, this is temporary. . Pain is good for you, will improve you as a human being. try to learn something from it. (Sorry for any mistakes. English is not my native language)

I'm starting to travel now. I'm shaking.

OP, how did it go? Please hang in there and know a stranger understands some small part of your pain

Sorry man, that is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Get some ket, it numbs the pain like nothing else

>>2950 I went to where she was buried. Besides of her parents, nobody else was there. It was short, as I only stayed in the town during the day. I broke a tooth during the trip back. A friend (actually an acquaintance, but I'm her only friend so I try to be supportive) was worried about me, so she asked me to visit her, and somehow convinced me to spend the night in her house. I guess I accepted because I didn't care much about anything at that moment. Her kids were trying to cheer me up. I think she told them to. As soon as I left her house I started crying again. I still do. Everything reminds me of her. She had neon stars on her ceiling. A full collection of Tori Amos, NIN and Portishead. A wall with a big collage of birds. Many books, which we used to give to each other. There is no way to look at anything and not be reminded of her. I miss her. I miss her too much. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody who understands and cares like her. I still can't accept that she is dead. The only times I'm kind of bearing this are the brief moments when I think of tell her about my day, when I think of a new lame joke. Then I grab my phone and become terrified. I've sent her messages, even though I know nobody will read them. I've been spending money in.. random online stuff. I can't care about money. I can't care about anything. I've only gone out to buy cat food, and soda to wash the taste of my medication off my mouth. I've lost a lot of weight. I can't care about anything. I mean, everything has lost meaning. Yesterday I received a late package on the mail, it was a gift for her. A Terry Pratchett book. I'm not leaving my bed much. Getting out has gotten really hard. She was all I had. I'm not fine.

>>2964 I'd be lying if i told you that it ever becomes fine It doesn't, you just have to learn to ignore the emptiness, or become a degenerate like me Good luck man, I really mean that You sound like a good guy, and I wish you hadn't lost her

>>2969 >>2964 I disagree it does become fine. But its a slow painful process that happens at your own pace. Ive seen plenty of people die and had friends leave me forever. I know what its like to lose the only person that understands you. But you will find someone else I promise, and you will make new better memories, while still respecting and appreciating all you learned from your friend. Someone I basically saw as my sister left me too, I was younger. We spent every day together practically and understood eachother deeply. She didnt die but left, the effects of her leaving changed me forever. To this day I have abandonment issues, my father also died at a young age. I constantly think people will just dissapear from my life and when they have I was a mess for months. But in the end I meet more people. I think it won't happen, im too weird and bizarre and most people dont understand me but I meet someone and things are okay. Sometimes I spend months alone before it happens. I spent all of middle school and most of high school alone which my good friend left right before then. I dont know what im trying to say exactly. You probably will be grieving for awhile more but when that grief turns into emptiness and you no longer are crying every day or morning branch out if you can. at the end of the day all suffering makes us stronger. your brain will learn in its own way to deal. As sad as it is, and im sure you dont even want to think about things like this, or cant even think about dumb life questions and abstract soykaf right now, this is your moment. If anything in life has the potential to change you, this is it. Maybe you will come out with something good, you said she was your only friend, that no one understood you, that you tried to kill yourself too. Perhaps this is what changes that, and though you probably dont care and would live in a suicidal state all your life than deal with whats happening right now, in the future maybe you can see this as a bad thing that changed you for the better. Like something else you learned from your friend. Don't try to forget her though it won't work and you probably don't want that. This is earth shattering for you im betting, like the ground was swept out from under you I understand the fear. She was a big part of your world and now shes gone, your current world doesnt function anymore as a result. So you will change. You also say as a result of your PD you have never felt these things before. These are bad feelings but good things to be feeling. When its all fully processed, and maybe you are in a better state whether thats in a year or five years, I think you will be glad to have felt these powerful emotions. These feelings are what make people, you must feel them its not a choice unfortunately and fortunately. I guess im saying you would rather have felt them than not felt them I think. I just hope you can persevere. I think anyone who reads what you wrote is hoping that for the most part.

Today I started hearing voices. I'm fuarrrked up.

>>3007 Hearing voices is by far the most common hallucination and almost everyone experiences it at some point in their lives, particularly during times of stress. Hearing someone saying your name is the most common. Don't worry too much about it. It's not a terrible sign.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OHnC24Qx8k Have a nice life flash before your eyes. For her, at least. When my grandfather died (a month before I was born, I didn't know him), my dad was so busy that he couldn't just trap himself in his mind -- my twin and I were born, he had to manage the funeral and estate, he was just promoted to officer, immediately after he went to ranger school... it was the busiest year of his life. You might hate to hear this, but keeping yourself busy and finding something new to hang onto is a necessity if you want to stay sane. I'm sorry, man. You have her memories, at least, and ultimately that's all anyone could hope to be: that wonderful person that buries into their loved one's most treasured place in their hearts. Now it's time to give her memory a better home.

Though well intentioned, I doubt anyone here is qualified to help you. I HIGHLY recommend seeing a counselor, therapist or calling 1-800-273-8255 if you are considering suicide. I was in a pretty bad place once, and talking to a counselor really helped. That counselor helped me save my life. Sadly, suffering is an integral part of being human, but it's still only one part.

>>3064 I agree and I was going to say the same but then he was like I dont want to go back to a mental hospital and I feel like suggesting counseling will make him think they will put him in one.

Chill out, start brewing soykaf

>>3009 is right, >>3007 Just don't tell any professionals, or you'll be labelled with psychotic tendencies. (Atleast per my experience)