Let It All Out #4

Bump limit reached. Tell us how you are feeling, don't hold it anymore.

We were talking everyday and she would pick me all mornings in the way to school. I stopped sending messages to see if she would text me. She did, she asked how I was going and told me she said hello to me in school. I had it all, it was a gold opportunity and I fuarrrked it up. She doesn't want to talk with me anymore and she isn't the same now. Even if it all goes back to normal, I lost a huge opportunity. I feel bad. I miss her.

These threads are probably the most active. I wish lainchan had an ip counter, I'd like to see how many people post, it'd be hilarious if all posts came from the same 15 people.

I currently have DP/DR and im trying everything to get rid of it, it felt good and relaxing at first but it feels like my concious has split of my body. >no caffeine (working on it) >have been working out since it started(2years) >found a hobby(programming/datascience) What else can I do, its been 3 years since I cried and I miss feeling femotions, also I would like to start a relationship but its immpossible in this state I cant even tell if someone is mad at me etc.

Why the fuarrrk do people love to pick on me so much? Why is it so entertaining for everyone to tell me how much of a loser I am and remind me that I'm single at every given opportunity? What the fuarrrk is wrong with people? Do they think that I WANT this? That this is all on fuarrrking purpose that I'm alone and hate myself? Holy fuarrrk I despise people so much

>>2794 Probably actually. I made around 10-20 posts in the last thread.

>>2796 hit the gym helped me soooo fuarking much, 1 year 1 hour every 2nd day .

>>2794 I didnt even did as many as i used to. I think 15 isnt so much maybe 25 or more. Anyway im drunk and stoned and feel not anxious or depressed for once, life seems good sometimes.

>>2798 I don't want muscles, I want friends who respect me and treat me in a way that doesn't hurt me

>>2800 Not that anon, but the point is that you need to respect yourself first before others will respect you. Going to the gym regularly helps a ton with this

I just accepted my first full time job as a systems analyst for a managed services provider that I interned with during the summer. I just got a degree in computer networking. I was so stoked to start and after the first week, I just feel empty and hollow thinking about going back into the office on Monday. Everything just feels so over my head, I can't remember anything they tell me it seems. I had to ask our sys admin to change 5 different passwords for me the other day, it was so embarrassing. I know the job is entry level but it's only $30k a year, which is pretty low considering how much we charge clients... idk I love computers and I love technology, and I've already got a degree from a four year college in History when I wanted to be a teacher. I really thought that getting this degree in networking would help me turn my life around, but I've never been more confused now that I'm questioning it. Am I just nervous? Is this just anxiety? I've always been awful at making up my mind and wouldn't you know it, I'm a libra, represented by scales. I'm constantly judging and evaluating, but never coming to any sort of conclusion. On top of all of this, my girlfriend is having a very hard time adjusting to me being gone the whole day and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't either. I love her to death, I intend to marry her, but that doesn't mean we both don't have problems. She's been diagnosed with endometriosis, can no longer eat gluten or dairy because she had h. pylori in her system, and struggles with depression. Her being alone at home all day and the fact that winter is on its way (she gets seasonal depression as well), only able to work 20 hours a week max is really eating away at her and I just can't bare to watch her suffer. I don't know what else to do. Work in a place that seems like it wants to destroy me while my significant other misses me all day and I miss her? But if I quit, then what? I've thought about becoming a budtender (weed is legal in my state). Jobs are plentiful, I get to smoke weed whenever I want, and I'd be a lot closer to her. I just don't know what to do.

>>2802 I can only give advice on the job part, but if they wanted someone with more experience, they would've hired someone else. Just try to learn everything as you go and you'll be fine. The worst thing you can do is pretend to understand everything and mess up things while the others aren't looking at what you're doing. Asking questions is much less trouble than fixing a big mess and a lot of people also enjoy answering them.

>>2801 I guess I thought maybe that I could have friends in this life without being a perfect human but I guess that's not how the world works

>>2804 nobody wants to deal with a miserable self loathing fuarrrk that drags everyone down so they can feel better. You want friends or a girlfriend just because you want friends or a girlfriend, someone to depend on and so that you can be considered normal or not inexperienced. So you can feel not lonely. What can you really offer to someone? Unfortunately only really pretty people can get away with being a fuarrrking mess, very unfair I know. As for the rest of us the most defining and important thing most people are gonna judge you by is how you react under pressure or when you are down. If that reaction is clawing for attention and blaming those around you for your misfortune expect very little.

>>2805 Except I don't do that soykaf. I'm used to being treated like utter garbage so I just go along with it always. I try to be positive about myself and my friends and always get treated like a complete idiot when I try. I'm just so tired of the insults. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't treat people like this, I'm supportive and complimentary where necessary, and people just insult me in every possible way. It hurts. I shouldn't need to be athletic to not be hurt by people. I don't treat people like that, why is it okay for them to treat me like that?

>>2806 then ditch their ass, don't let people treat you like that. working out would just give you rhe confidence maybe to say fuarrrk you is all. you don't need it.

I'm fairly certain I have some sort of seroius infection in my neck but I don't want to have tax dollars wasted on a doctor visit when I don't care if I live or die anyway. I could have an extra $10,000 right now as well but I don't file the paperwork to get it for similar reasons. I wish I cared.

>>2808 Damn, that's is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Want to elaborate on why do you feel that way?

I went to a different school every single year of elementary and middle school, and the first year of high school. I spent sophomore though senior FINALLY settling down in one place and FINALLY making friends. I became super well-known, and a lot of people looked up to me. Not only at the high school I went to during sophomore, and the first half of junior, year for my journalism work (was head of editorials for school newspaper) and video editing (did stuff for the morning broadcasts), but also (mainly, and most importantly) to the group of out-of-school friends I met partying and going to shows. Once I transitioned to Virtual School halfway through Junior year (but still lived in the same place) I'd do all my assignments for the semester in one week, then spend the rest of my free time hanging out with them. It was non-stop partying, hanging out, going to shows, smoking weed and drinking... just enjoying life. I never had trouble getting age-restricted things like alcohol or tobacco. It was always a text or call away. I even set up a Facebook (yes, I know) group for all of us, where the 70-something (it grew quite a bit over the years, through a few iterations but with the same core members) of us would plan parties and sell things (weed, paraphernilia, longboards, etc.) and such. It became a well-known (around town), sorta-infamous joke because of the "parody religion" name it had, and because we'd sometimes mark our smoke spots with sticker art of its name. And I was known as the "Pope" of it. I could post a status saying "Who wants to chill?" and suddenly have multiple people hitting me up wanting to hang out. Most mornings, I'd immediately get out of bed, get ready for the day, and leave the house to hang with people, or have them over. But then, after graduating, I moved away. Due to the aformentioned not settling down in one place until sophomore year, once I did settle down those friends became my purpose in life. I never knew friendship or genuine compassion until then. I miss them, and that period of time, dearly. More than anything else in my whole life. It's been two years since I moved, and I've yet to make a single friend where I live now. Literally all I want in life is to have friends to do those things with again. Not hyperbole, or exaggeration. It's all I care about anymore. And it's eating away at me every single day.

I have been working constantly. It's hard to justify a moment's rest. Even here I can't stay for long. I don't know the answers.

>>2813 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRBdav5qFag It is like kicking dead whales down the beach losing friends. If it brings you any solace, no one holds on to friends for long. Maybe if you recollect for a moment or so, those you've spent so much time with didn't mean much to you in the end, other than being a reason to pass the days. It's hard to find good friends. The ones that stay and keep in contact with you. I'm sorry you feel alone.

I feel like I really need to get help but I don't think I'm going to like it. I'm afraid it's going to ruin my life. I've heard that if you tell a therapist you have suicidal thoughts then they have to put you in a psych ward and I don't want that I really really don't. I don't know if it would help anyway, what do therapists even do to help you, just talk to you and take your money

I'm a 24 year old who has ended up in a particularly isolating place. I say particularly isolating because everywhere that I've been has imposed on me an isolating effect; this one is just stronger. It's something that I've experienced since I was around 12 years old. It could be because I'm very introverted, intelligence, my bundle of idiosyncrasies, a combination? None of the above? Just know that the feelings of isolation tend to grow as I get older, and where I am now is possibly one of the worst places I could be. Like most people experiencing isolation in real life, we turn to cyberspace. Cyberspace works well for a while, and we live a digital life far more satisfying than our real one. Things in cyberspace can't go well forever. Unavoidable entropic processes take effect, and the isolating agents of the real world encroach on cyberspace. Sanctuaries turn into Hell, and we exile (or are exiled) ourselves to the nearest outpost. These outposts are small, and lack much activity. They do not completely fulfill the original purpose of the institution they are meant to replace. Nothing can escape entropy, and the outposts are doomed to die out or succumb to the corrupting force. At some point in the near future, we become just as isolated in cyberspace as we are in the real world. My problem? Nigh complete social atomization as the world decays around me. How do I solve a problem like that? My idea is pretty simple, find another atomized person. Stay with them forever. The entropic effects of social decay do not affect individuals in the same way groups are affected. So long as another atomized individual exists, if we stay with them we are content. This is easier said than done, and my chance of succeeding is near zero.

i'm very happy with the direction things seem to be going in my life except for extreme gender dysphoria it's something that i feel like i need to deal with soon, but i still don't know how or if i should begin to deal with it i'm dating this guy and he's great but he likes me for who i am now and i'm scared of the possibility that he wouldn't be interested in who i want to be there's a lot telling me not to, but the part saying to is strong enough that i can't decide which listen to all i can think about is jealousy

My studies are going pretty well, however, I had to stop fuarrrking my fwb because I wouldn't stand knowing she's banging some other dudes too. I caught feels for her and I feel like soykaf. Our relationship was basically lust disguised as friendship so I'm pretty sure after a couple weeks we won't even talk anymore. I'm also going through a mild benzo withdrawal and all I wanna do is fuarrrking cry honestly.

I lost my job and I've been sitting in this white space for so long. It gets so mind-numbing that I'm still here in the place that I started, unmoving. What I want right now is to just be somewhere else, to live somewhere else that's not here for at least 10 years or more. I love my friends but we barely hang out in person. And my mom is grating on me about jobs and future things. It's so tiring y'know.. to just try and try again, just to end up back at square one. Dazed and confused. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. If I could just grab upon to what I'm doing wrong and rip it out of me, fling it across the world and finally move on in life, I would totally do it. I just don't know what it is. All I can hope for right now is a new job, my studies actually putting me in a networking position, or something breaking through.

i feel like privileged soykaf that has no right to ever complain and it's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning knowing that i don't really have any goals in my life anymore

>>2819 As of now the process of atomization primarily effects those that are low in extraversion. In theory that means people that post on obscure imageboards like this, but obviously there are some normal users here. That aside, everyone who posts here is susceptible to it. If you have a high IQ, your risk factor increases quite a bit. In fact, it is almost assured that you will end up atomized in the end. High intelligence people have more variance in their thinking than average intelligence people because they have the capacity to think more complexly. At high levels of intelligence, you have a significantly increased chance of diverging from typical lines of thought. Different lines of thought, means a different self formation. A radically different self means atomization. This process is a life long process, thus the older you are, the more your atomization will increase. Of course, aging irrespective of intelligence tends to increase atomization, but we've said enough.

Wanted to make a student group with few of my buddies and their buddies. A student group that would be devoted to technology and all things technology (we are all from electrical engineering courses so I guessed it was okay? Not to mention that I want a homegrown makerspace with buddies of mine). I was deeply mistaken to start anything. The idea was mine, the project ideas were mine, I started everything up and talked everyone into going together into a caffee nearby the college. I said everyone should come with an idea or two for projects, to share and talk over which one is the best and which one we will make first. Since our college usually funds student groups for scientific studies or even technology projects we were sure to get the money for our projects, so money isn't an issue (most of which were crap and extremely expensive - 4k$ project for tablet app on tablets glued to tables of ordering food/drinks at restoraunts? what?). The problem is when everyone came and started talking about the ideas. I gave my ideas, either CNC mill/UV laser for PCB development (think "green way to develop PCB prototypes" or at least a more precise and better resolution of etch with the laser) or second idea was an Edison battery power bank for solar panels of the college (our college wasted a lot of energy it collected, I looked up different batteries and got in love with Edison battery which we would hopefully make ourselves). 2 other "buddies" came with no ideas, just laughed off their complete inadequacy, laziness and shame like it was nothing. Other 2 gave dumb soykaf ideas they sucked off tit of some mainstream news channel. "Solar"-this, "green energy"-that. The only redeeming idea they gave was a 6 axis robotic arm (but initial idea was "robotic arm cheff", something we have no possible software knowledge for or most to be honest, so we talked it down to just one robotic arm). The others were "electroshocker alarm" (<-- laziness alert) , "solar umbrella" (just gluing solar cells on top of umbrella? great job son, total STEM move right there) and a fuarrrking e-bike. Now, let's talk about the e-bike and all the lazy dumb losers around the table while we talked about it. The guy just stated that he wants batteries inside the frame and doesn't want them visible or in the triangle of bike frame (muh aesthetics). Okay, fine. A soykafty overused project idea but sure, let's go with it. I start talking about Li-ion 18650 batteries that are most usually used for these kinds of applications and they can't stop making fun of me for knowing the number of battery standard. Not to mention that they laughed at me once already for mentioning Edison batteries until I told that we could add some chem student to bump up our project points (if we add students from other fields and colleges we get more points and our project might get more funded). I won't even mention about when I talked about convolutional neural networks. I remained silent until they started talking in circles. "We need to make frame and look of ebike elegant", "yea, but we can't do that without knowing dimensions of batteries and how electric motor will add onto that", "yea, we need to know that to make ebike elegant, or we could make it elegant and then add everything on it". They even talked about LCD display on the steering wheel. When they mentioned fuarrrking solar powered charging station I just broke. "Why don't we add solar cells on everything?" I added. When all of this died down I simply added "should we assign tasks to everyone or should everyone just say what they want to do around the bike?". Deafening silence. Sure, the guy that said the project (the "muh aesthetics guy") wanted to do the overall look of ebike. Since I talked about batteries I volunteered for the batteries. "Who wants to do speed control for electric motor?". No one. Mind you, 3 of them just stood there silently. One of them had the courage to say after long silence "I don't know anything about this" to which I replied "well, you can always learn". They don't want a project. They don't want a group. They don't even care about their career choices. They care only what they will be able to add on their resumes alongside the college so that they can get a better job.

>>2802 Maybe you can get a pet or something to keep your gf busy?

>>2828 Do you ever just want to get away from it all? Like the life you live just isn't enough? Looking for something more beautiful, something more exciting... and, yes, I admit... something more dangerous. So after 8 hours in the back of an airplane, 3 dumb movies, 2 plastic meals, 6 beers, and absolutely no sleep... I finally touched down... Bangkok.

>>1842 Sounds like a pretty soykafty situation, but one that's salvageable. Do you have anything that you would like to be good at or something that you enjoy doing ? You said you had no interesting hobbies, I assume you have there is some hobby that you enjoy but it isn't considered "acceptable" by the mainstream. It seems like you're looking for fulfillment in your soykafty job or your soykafty friends. Truth is, that's not going to cut it. Living till 50 with only this to look forward too sounds like torture. But if you can find a craft, or a hobby that you enjoy, it might be all right. Suicide seems strange to me. Because I would rather do something radical like move to China and try living like a monk for a year, than end it all. Maybe knowing this gives you an idea how I think about these things. I hope I could help.

One of my ex's from a long time ago is picking me up from work today. I work beside her new man who she has a kid with. It was nice I she was not in my life at all but now she calls my parents mum and dad. I managed to insult her so badly she stopped taking to me for a week but now she wants to talk again and I'd rather not have anything to do with her. Also note: she is still super flirty and forward towards me, even in front of her new man... Wat do because I've almost given up?

About 3 weeks ago I found out I'm pregnant. I've always wanted to have a child one day, become a mother and a proper woman instead of being an awkward outsider with no place in society. Both me and my partner have tons of student loan debt, low employment prospects and at least 3 mental illness diagnoses. At age 14, I promised I'd commit suicide at age 30 if I couldn't change myself for the better until then. I'm nearing 25 now. Obviously we're not fit to be parents. The abortion is next week. I don't know what to feel. There's a good chance I will never get to be a mother. The only family I'll ever get to have is my whore mother and my broken siblings. I don't know the details, but the procedure is done with drugs that empty the uterus. They said I could do it at home, provided my partner is with me. I've been thinking of how to dispose of the 'body'. Do I just empty myself into a toilet and unceremoniously flush it down? I don't want to risk seeing the fetus and get traumatized even further, but I feel like I owe it at least that much. Should I give it a name? Do some sort of ceremony? Should I empty myself on a towel instead and burn it, then bury the ashes at a nearby playground? That way it wouldn't be alone. Will it haunt my dreams or psychotic episodes? Should I cancel the whole thing, birth it and then give it away? Would they have a good life in a foster home? I'm just not ready for this. I've contemplated killing myself and take the easy way out. I can't deal with this. I hadn't given much thought about the ethics of abortion before, my opinion was along the lines of "it's not a person, it's not a big deal". I still think that, but fuarrrk if it wasn't heart-breaking to read on its development. Just the fact that for every week I wait for the termination, it becomes more and more human. As I understand it, it will look basically like a human next week. One thing that has bothered me a lot as well is how my partner has had no official role in this whole thing. He's been supportive and attended every clinic visit etc., but never once has anyone even asked if the father's around, or if I've discussed matters with him. He basically does not factor into this in anyway, even though it's his child as well. In the end, I think it should ultimately be the woman's decision wether or not to keep the child, but in the case of stable relationships, the father should definitely have a bigger role in the process. I'm going along with the abortion, but I don't think I can rationalize my continued existence after this. English is not my first language.

My life is better than ever. But for some reason i havent feelt any genuine joy in life for some time. Nothing is really "fun". But im not depressed, at least not like ive been before.

>>2796 stand up for yourself, like a ballon if you dont have outwards pressure the inwards pressure will naturally shrink you.

I'm at college, a once in a lifetime oppurtunity that many don't get! I didn't work particularly hard to get here, I don't pay much either. It's a lot for my family, about 2000 a semester. But I just couldn't give a fuarrrk. I hate computer science at this point. I'm switching majors to fine arts or design. Yes, how terrible, i'm switching to some useless fuarrrking majors what everyone says not to do. I don't and never have had a job, I don't have a license because I live in a city. The things I like doing are totally unproductive. The most productive thing I like doing, drawing and graffiti, is unproductive. I'm human garbage by societies standard, especially older peoples. A useless waste of space millenial, a burden to my family, a burden to society. Heres my favorite things to do: Smoke cigarettes Go for walks get drunk Draw cuddle with qts, which the one right now will probs leave my ass like the others and im sure il lash out. Lashing out. Usually its just at myself don't worry. Hanging out with good people, people I consider good. Do drugs, but even then its only good half the time. Generally whatever I feel like doing at the time, whenever I feel like doing it. But go fuarrrk yourself. I can live with very little, I never asked or expected anything. And while people in highschool were exploring themselves, discovering the greater joys and endless fun they can have with others I was alone in my room wasting my life away. So what did anyone expect, I liked science and computer science stuff cause I was rewarded for liking that. I don't give a flying fuarrrk now that I don't rely on others satisfaction. Not that I don't have an endless need for attention, I just find people who like me for what im doing already now and give me attention for things I like to do. People are genuinely worried about me and they probably should be. I'm a fuarrrking wreck. My lifes about to fall apart. If this girl leaves im not entirely sure I won't be in such a soykaf mood that il just end it. It won't even be because of her, just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. On the other hand, hell, she hates life too. If she approached me and said, "Hey want to come kill yourself with me", i'd probably say yeah. What better way to go. We're fuarrrked in 20 years. I'm not concerned with this life, at this point I think i'm doing the respectable thing, i'm looking for a good place to die and making peace with my inner demons. I'm trying to die with some dignity, and express what I need to express and then lock that away in a titanium chamber, and maybe some alien can read it and get a laugh. I think we all should be thinking about that right now. The world should be viewed as a hospice right now. I've told my friends: you'll know when im about to be dead cause i'l be writing a manifesto (or maybe a comedy) and drawing a lot. I'm not saying thats now even, I very well could live till 70 and thats when il decide I had enough. Could also be in a few months, its up to me. Either way i'm not in immediate danger, so theres nothing anyone can do. Lock me up for my life so that I don't kill myself at an undecided date that could be in tens of years? That won't probably do much for me will it. Anyways, I hope that you remember this. And in the future maybe somehow you will discover what I wrote or made in death, and get a kick out of it. It won't be too depressing. I try to have a sense of humor because its all I really have anymore to hold on to. at the end of the day though i'm pretty resilient. I'm positive I have serious issues, my counselor seems to think so as well. Yet in spite of that I always barely hold on, with nothing to show. To the rest of the world im doing the bare minimum, from my perspective i'm not doing much, but its difficult to fight off death and do much. my proudest accomplishment at the moment is in fact this girl I met. Sad kind of isn't it, how is that an accomplishment? I don't know but I know my brain sees it as one, and sees her as mine. She's very pretty, a bit shorter than me with a very cute round face, dark skin, and a nice body. She has a very dark outlook on life, darker than mine perhaps, and I respect her for that. Very superstitious as well. She gets around a lot, seems to be constantly using dating apps, i'm probably not the only guy shes seeing but i'd be surprised if she can talk about the things she talks about with me to anyone else. I know I can't. It's not really important to me, even though I say in my brain shes mine, i'm still an adult and so is she. So long as I can see other girls I don't care if she sees other guys. We can both get together and talk soykaf about our failing relationships outside eachother, what better way to bond. Neither of us want a serious relationship either, we both know there isnt enough time left on the clock for that. fun side note. Has anyone actually been helped by the advice on this board? I ask myself that every time I post because I haven't really. Am I just too unappreciative or ignorant? Or is this all a waste and I should stop coming here.

>>2859 If I were you I would cut all contact with the woman. Block her number and from your social media profiles if you have any. But after rereading your post I'm not too sure where you stand, because you say you don't want anything to do with her but she's picking you up. Just remember she's an ex for a reason, and she's flirting with you while having a SO. If she's doing it to her current boyfriend, she'll do it to future ones as well.

>>2872 Sounds like all the nice things your family gives you are nothing but a burden to you. It's no wonder that you hate CS if you feel forced to do it. Try doing something that you actually like, maybe the thought's of being a burden will go away.

I just started college and over my senior year of high school I thought my depression had subsided, I was wrong. I had a breakdown the other day. I thought about the internet friends who threw me aside and didn't care about me in the end, the friends I thought I made in high school who don't respond to my texts or calls. I am alone. My social anxiety has hindered me my entire life, I have had trouble making friends and relationships my entire life. My friends in elementary school when I tried to reconnect with them on Facebook in HS they hated me secretly and the girl I liked call me a fat fuarrrk creep because I looked at her in elementary school. In middle school the friends I thought I had didn't even bother responding to my emails and messages after graduation. People just like to push me and bully me, beat me up physically, emotionally and mentally. I am weak spined and I just want to be as good as I can be, but I ain't soykaf. In HS I liked a girl and wanted to get her twitter so I guessed her email and added her to a throwaway twitter account. Somehow she found out I did that or that I liked her and told the whole school I was a pervert creep. My roommate in my dorm brings his girlfriend to the room and even though we only been in a little over a week, bangs her in front of me no matter what time it is. Each time he did this I felt angry that I was useless enough to never get a girlfriend in my life and even moreso, have no real friends to vent to or just to take my mind off things. I have to hold back tears in class, in the library and when I am online just because I feel like I just want to let all my tears out in one big flow that has built up. This is the first time in two years I had a breakdown. My roommate wasn't in the room, and I was researching some internet friends who left me in HS, one of them used to be my online GF but now is dating a football player, I'm happy for her I guess. Another is a girl who was my first online friend and just stopped talking to me because she didn't feel like it anymore, but I figured out what school she goes to, but then it brought back all the pain I felt, and how much I just want to have someone there for me.

I still love her, but its ok

I really fuarrrking hate my job right now. I really really despise going in every day and I hate every moment I'm there. It's so fuarrrking stupid and badly organized. Half the time I'm barely even doing "development", and I'm just doing incredibly boring and mundane tasks that I cannot bring myself to do. I spend the whole day trying to watch youtube, or read stories, or just entertain myself for 8 hours because trying to do the boring soykaf they want me to do just drives me insane. I really need to get a new job, but I haven't even been here a year, and I also don't even know where I'd go or if the new job would be good. I'm just going to stick this out and try not to fuarrrking die of boredom and hatred. I'm also really struggling with my feelings for this girl. I asked her out like, a week or two ago, and despite everything pointing to her being attracted to me, she turned me down. I went through a lot of emotions, I was very upset and depressed, then I was kind of angry and didn't like her or want to be around her, then I thought I accepted it (but still didn't want to see her that much). But she's just too fuarrrking good of a person to me. She legit really likes having me as a friend or something, she always has some video or picture she wants to show me, we converse really easily, and she's really supportive and positive about me with some stuff I'm passionate about. She's just a fuarrrking good friend and it's making me realize I'm still really attracted to her and I hate it. I don't want to be attracted to her if she doesn't feel the same. But just god damn she's so freaking cute. I really am scared she's gonna get a boyfriend and it's gonna eat me up inside. I'm staying sane by telling myself that maybe she'll change her mind about me, but I'm pretty sure girls become attracted to people the moment they meet, not over time like guys do Just everything is terrible, except for this girl who's actually awesome but the way I feel about her makes me feel terrible. God I hate my job SO much too. fuarrrk.

>>2874 ... the reason I agreed to speak to her is that she is 'friends' with my mum and my mum asked me to try and chat and sort things out. I accepted her lift yes but only to speak with her, and most of what she said I don't give two soykaf's about. I don't understand what her motives are but she says that she wants to be friends. She will be waiting to try and take me home from work today, I'm just gonna tell her to bolt.

>>2862 i think naming it might end quite badly. it's a lot more human and a lot easier to remember if it has a human, name. whether or not that's inherently a bad thing, it does make it a lot easier for negative thoughts to come into mind if it's not more expensive, i would try to get the hospital to take care of the body.. just so you have less to think about that sounds rough, sorry you have to deal with it

>>2879 Can someone give me tips?

I feel that I am currently in a weird spot within my life. I'm going to college right now and currently a sophomore. I transferred from another school that was far worse in every conceivable way than this one. This new college has a far better campus, people culture, academic programs etc. I worked very hard to get into this college and very thankful I got in. Even though I'm in a great position in life, living in a great city and generally feel good. I have this feeling of loneliness that weights on me. I have friends but mostly we just smoke and drink after classes, which is quite fun. But it's hard to make friends that you can just hang out with because everyone is so atomized that it's difficult to find avenues into friend groups, especially if you transferred in like I did. This seems to be the defining trait of this generation is how enclosed everyone is from other people. I know people who are very extroverted and more attractive than I am that have a hard time making friends within this same situation. These feeling also connect with the desire to put down roots and create meaningful connections. I'm sick and tired of moving and constantly working. Like I have for the last two years. I want to live and have fun during my youth. This also applies to my love life as well. I've been on tinder lately looking for someone to go out with and having somewhat soykaf luck in that regard. I feel like I'm not expressing myself openly enough through that platform and that is hurting my ability to attract the people I want to my profile. The strange thing is that I had better luck with tinder my freshman and met my ex through that. Anyways, I want a girlfriend that I can really pay attention to unlike my last one due to schoolwork. I want to spend a meaningful amount of time with my next girlfriend.

Winter is notably kicking in. The hacker meetup i was looking forward to this month got canceled. I cant afford to smoke anymore which is how i cope with depression. My ambitions go to soykaf. I distrust my only friends who are stoners and reasonably assume they dont care much about me. My depression and anger keeps getting worse and i feel like i get sucked in hot tar. I keep getting lazier and lazier. More and more i distance and isolate myself from the wrong things because im scare of being hurt. My life just keeps going down the toilet and i feel like snuffing it, but i keep torturing myself to no avail.

>>2899 Is this post a copypaste or have you post it her not long before? Because I feel like i have read this exact post in previous thread. Anyway I know this kind of brakdowns very good. Lately I felt like I managed to fight with my depression really good but 3 days ago I had a total meltdown, I sat al night and drink alcohol. Now it's better, but mainly thanks to on friend who talked to me about my problems. It felt strange because i never talk about this stuff because I don;t trust them but it really helped. If you don;t have anyone like that my guess is that you should completely forget about people from your past cause clearly they bring you down. Internet friend are pretty nice to talk to but surprisingly it's not as good as the real person.

I am the lain who posted in previous thread about meeting with a girl and fear about pushing things forward. So I finally pushed them, we kissed couple of times and had some talk about all of this. She told me that she is not ready for the relationship yet because she finished one some time ago but she really likes me. Also we study together and she is afraid that if something would gone wrong our friendship would be damaged and she don't want that. I know that it sounds lame and typical but we really had good contact so far. Her conclusion was that she don't want to go too fast with this because she don;t really know what to expect from me in the matter of being in a relationship but she likes being close to me. I think that I am OK with that, anyway my social awkwardness and lack of expercience with relationships might benefit from slowing this. I am not going to push it too much but there is a risk hat I will look as a beta male because of that. She is really great, beautiful and intelligent and I don't want to do anything stupid. I don't really get what she meant by not going too fast, there is some perspective but I feel like I don;t really know what's going on. I know from a mutual friend that she sees me similarly as I see her but she don't really know wthat she wants right now so she chose to act carefully. My main problem is that I was alone for so long that I might be too clingy and needy. I am doing my best to act normal and cool but from time to time I have episodes of depression when it's almost impossible to act normal. I think you all know about overthinking, paranoia and irrational fears. I am constantly afraind that I will do something really anon style and bury my chances. Anyway I feel pretty happy about this situation but I fear that she will find some other guy on the way who will be all alpha style and stuff and I will be used and left alone again as usual. Let's face it, I might be fighting with depression and social anxiety with some visible successes but I am an anon and I will never be like the rest of society. I don't really understand how to behave, how to be with someone, what to say and what I should keep to myself. I learned some of these things the hard way but it's still hard to be normal. I guess in some time you can expect here a post from me, either about being happy and not alone or about being in a bottom, drunk, depressed and with suicidal thoughts. Keep your fingers crossed that it will be the first one.

I've been thinking about moving recently. I live in an area that isn't incredible in terms of my career opportunities, and I just feel like I need a change. I know moving will probably end up with me being really alone though since I won't know anyone wherever I plan to go, so I'm not sure. I'd need to make up my mind in about a year, so I still have a while, but I just don't know. I kind of just want to get away from all this stuff I'm familiar with. I love my family and friends, but I'm tired of my life and how mundane it is. If I could go somewhere new, live in a completely different place, meet new people, I dunno I think it would be good for me. It wouldn't need to be permanent either or anything, I could move back home after a few years if I felt like it.

I'm 18 in my last year of high school. I, uh, don't really know how to word this properly without coming off as edgy so I'll try to be brief. I don't have any friends (except for one, who lives very far away now), don't know what to do with my life, have mediocre grades (passing, but not particularly good), and am basically very lonely and depressed. I like keeping to myself mostly, but at times I wish I had people to talk to. While there are a few chats I post on often I just don't feel online friends are a suitable replacement for human contact. It's not that I don't like being alone, it's that I fear this is the way I'll be forced to live my life from now on. Most people make their closest friends in high school and with that almost gone, what will I have then? I do plan on going to college (if I'm even accepted, I don't find myself a very smart person), but I just know no matter how hard I try to better myself, I'll never be as good with others as more social people. Once I do know someone I can usually carry out conversations and talk (at least, with my last remaining friend), but without that first push I just feel totally helpless. I wear a gray jacket (yeah i know it makes me look autistic) and that might turn people away from approaching me but I can't even try to dress more approachable without making the scars on my arm completely visible (and I don't to be seen as someone screaming for attention, no one but myself has seen them in almost 2 years now and I plan on keeping it this way, only bringing this up as I feel like it's reasonably relevant). So not only am I not willing to approach people myself, I have made myself completely unapproachable to anyone nearby. I have so many regrets. Anyways, I feel like this is pretty common, have any of you recovered from this at all? Anything I can do?

>>2916 I am also in my last real of high school and in a similar situation. Though I have good grades enough to be on the honors society, my only real friends are my cousin and 2 childhood friends. But they are slowly finding their own groups of friends so now I must find my own group, but I can't. My cousin has very "normal person" friends dont want to sound weird or mean but you get what I mean if you know the terminology. My other friend is in college so he is slowly getting his friends. And the other friend we go to the same school and he has a group of friends I kinda hang out with but the thing is they dont really care about me or I think they dont. I have similar interests as them like anime and computer science and philosophy, but they never ask me to hang out with them and I dont blame them. I am very quiet and introverted. I dont know if I am experiencing aftermaths of puberty but I have been depressed since I was about 12 years old and I figured once I puberty ended it would go away but it still hasnt ended. I dont know if I possibly have social anxiety but being in public, elevators with many people, talking to cashiers, etc. is terrifying to the point I feel like I mine as well die. I spend everyday walking the same walk and nothing ever happens. I've tried getting friends online since I was 13 and slowly they all left whether because they were too busy irl, or something else. I just feel empty and I just wish I had friends or even a girlfriend I could relate to, but I feel hopeless. Now everyday I hope in college I will get my big break. The bullying, harassment, the hardwork to the point of declining my own health for my grades, the hundreds of nights I cried myself to sleep, the lonliness, the failed attempts at friends and love interests, etc. I just wish I could be born differently. My family always yell at me for being scared in social situations, but I never wished to be born like this. I try so hard and I( freeze up. I've had times where I tried and nearly cried from the tension. I didnt ask to be born like this, with depression, social anxiety and social ineptness. I didnt ask to be born this way.

>>2916 Hey! What's your email. I want to try to form a friendship with you. Shall we try it? Are you in the US? I'm in Europe. Also I monitor this thread for a bit so don't be discouraged if my post is some days old. >>2917 Hello I'm also willing to talk to you, I have large amounts of time. Post your email.

>>2917 >>2916 I'm in the same situation as both of you- also a senior and a bit lonely. I'm always looking for friends to talk to, but I can understand if you guys aren't looking for someone online. I'm in the USA if that makes any difference, and if you reply to this we can exchange emails or something.

>born with bottom tier genetics >chin just too small for me to ever be above 3/10 >manlet >girls always give me that "why is this retard breathing in my general direction" look when I talk to them >KHV >never been on a date >never kissed >never held hands >never hugged >never had a good relationship with a girl >fantasize about falling asleep next to a qt every night >getting harder to do so because I've realized that I can't imagine something I've never experienced well enough to feel comforted >about to enlist in the army >knee hurts

>>2920 > why is this retard breathing in my general direction So stop breathing on them.

>>2920 dress better, take care of your hygiene, grow a beard and get fit. But most importantly, work on your confidence and self-respect. Or you can do none of it and wallow in your sadness.

>>2918 >>2919 I'm >>2916 My email is danksy@cock.li and can do PGP if you want. Also can use XMPP+OTR/OMEMO on the same address. I'm from the US.

The better you become, the more alone you become. Most people just don't want to improve, and when you do it, you can't relate to anyone. Some see you like a a narcissistic, others see you as a god. People think that because you're way better than them, they can require a certain comportament. I just can't undertand. I can run 10,5km without rest, but if I use a escalator, I'm literally trash. I'm the best student, but if I ask a question, I'm the dumbest person that ever lived. I can do 19 muscle ups, but if i don't help to lift the table, I'm the worst. ''Still I came up from broken and hollow to music and models'' ''She hoped for a follow, I'm feelin myself'' ''I've been working all week, I ain't gettin' no sleep'' ''They keep buyin' me drinks, but it's bad for my health''

>>2925 It's because you've transcended the normal people. You're on a new path now, you've left the city and now you're in the wastes, you're going to have to go further to find what you're looking for but you have a chance to find something and that's valuable. Also on this path you've chosen you'll find companions who understand you because they are on the same journey, and the friendships you create and the qt's you smash will be truer and stronger for it. Our society is awash with distractions stay on the true path, continue to seek and some day you will find.

>>2925 Othala rune, iron pill comic, evropa, is all soykaf mind-poison invented by a bunch of aging angry white guys to meme the youth with their antiquated bigotry because they were scared that the world of diverse people, with new ideas, working together left them behind.

>>2926 drinking that soykaf too seriously will lose friends, jobs, relationships, get one doxed, and destroy careers, and make people unpopular quickly. Better to make friends that are different from us with different ideas, and learn about people first hand, have adventures, and draw your own conclusions.

>>2929 >>2928 people who spend too much time on the internet tend to judge other people based on things that aren't key defining personality traits, just things that don't fit with their world view. For example whether someone likes this show, whether they go on reddit, whether their skin looks different. In the end it only hurts them. Everyone around them sees them as bitter losers while they sit deluded thinking they are better than those stupid normal people. For all they know a dream waifu awaits them but shes black and doesn't use gentoo so they never will meet her because of preconceived judgements. It ultimately only hurts them in the end. also being smart is overrated. especially if you aren't creative.

>>2929 I think you've misinterpreted what I said tbqh. I didn't imply that OP was going on some sort of journey to become some sort of Aryan sex god or something like that, and that it was the 'right path'. >>2932 What I really meant is that OP has found a semblance of purpose, and that when you have that sense of purpose and direction it DOES separate you from the hordes of distracted people around you. I am not implying that these people are niggers crackers or spics, they are just distracted and when you are focused you will find it very difficult to talk to those who are not. It moves you towards other driven people and it makes you push the people you care about harder.

>>2862 I'm a little bit of a crazy cunt, and I was raised in a very traditional roman catholic family, my sister and my mother regularly protest outside abortion clinics and my dad left when I was 14, so keep that in mind before you read my (maybe soykafty) advice. I made a suicide pact with a friend when I was about 16, said I'd kill myself at 30 as well, I'm 24 now my life is going well enough and I feel like I'm chasing my dreams again. It's a good feeling. I guess I want to ask if there'll ever be a 'right time' to have an infant for you? You've got debt, like most people, you're mentally ill, again like about 50% of the population, and you consider yourself unfit to be parents. I think many people feel this way before they have children in this respect you are not the first or the last fuarrrked up person to get pregnant. What I feel like you're not considering is the chance you have to make a genuine difference in a life, (including your own life, having a child can be extremely motivating). Having bad parents is not a death sentence for a kid either, really all you have to do is love them and read to them, and stick with your partner and you've already given them a great chance for a much better life than the one you had growing up. Think about where you were last year for example did you ever think you'd be where you are today? Let me PROMISE you that if things can change for the worst they can also change for the better (such was the case in my own life), and if your partner is supportive it might be worthwhile to take a chance and give yourself something to fight for. I guess I have an anecdote for you when I was in my last year of college, I had been with this girl who was severely mentally ill for about a year (at the time I was pretty mentally ill as well) , I really loved her though. We had a pregnancy scare once or twice, and at the time I was like "yeah get an abortion" but after, I sorta realized that like it wouldn't have been as bad as I thought, we loved each-other, and for a while our lives would have been significantly worse, but statistically if we had remained together, we would have probably been okay. If you do go through with it, give it a name and bury it in the park, it'll give you a sense of closure and I think I read somewhere that it will not be as psychologically damaging to you. Similar traditions exist with many cases of stillbirth or abortion in the west and the east. eg: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mizuko_kuy%C5%8D -or- https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/post/rick-santorums-baby--and-mine/2011/03/04/gIQA0uH1eP_blog.html?utm_term=.f606565d05aa I've left my email in the email field. If you want to talk to someone about it, I usually answer within a day.

>>2872 >Has anyone actually been helped by the advice on this board? Has anyone actually listened to the advice given on this board?

>>2936 I don't know hence second part of me saying maybe im undervaluing it.

Sorry for long text... I just need to tell someone >Be Me, 19, M, Uni Student in EE >Semester's off to an okay start. Classes are really hard though >Begin going to the gym about 3-4 times a week. Seeing significant gains >Actually understanding and enjoying course material >Things are going okay! >Doing EE lab >Get a call from my dad. >Usually he calls me to tell me he's going to be in town or whatever, so I'm not worried >"Anon. I need to talk to you seriously" >"Oh fuarrrk.jpg doesn't even begin to describe it.jpg" --Relevant Background Time-- >Have a sister, 17. I want to believe she's a decent person. >Doing very badly gradewise. After a ton of attitude and action problems, parents decide to heavily restrict internet. >Grades start to improve, only to drop a bit. >Eventually, Anon_Dad changes the wifi password >Sister immediately begins freaking the fuarrrk out >Parents are concerned (they only had wifi on the home computer. How did she know the password was changed) --- >Anon_Dad tells me that she was going around the internet restrictions by going online on her fuarrrking homebrewed 3DS >I homebrewed that 3DS. She had asked me to do so literally three years ago. No way of knowing she was gonna use it to go online or some soykaf like that >She told our parents it was all my fault. >"Anon. I just want to say this has disappointed me". >AnonMom tells me "Anon, because of all this fiasco, I've had several sleepless nights. I've been mortified" >I immediately begin to feel fuarrrking awful >This goes on for the next ten minutes >A lot of my sister's attitude problems come from her addiction to the net. >I unwittingly gave her access I genuinely don't know what to do now. I talked to my dad and he knows I didn't do it wittingly, but he told me "If this was in a professional setting, you could be arrested" -- referring to the fact that something I did for someone was used to 'break the rules'. He's probably right. I feel really fuarrrking angry. I gave my sister a birthday present I got with my own money and she said she loved it. Yet she threw me under the bus first fuarrrking chance she gets. I mortified my parents. I caused a lot of problems within the household. God I feel like fuarrrking soykaf. I'm probably gonna go for a run tomorrow morning. I just need someone to help me.

I have no idea what to do in my current situation as I feel it will determine the last two years of my high school career. I got hurt playing rugby and have been out for most of the season but I'm not sure if I want to keep doing it or just stop. I have great friends in it but there are some if not more assholes in it. I'm not sure if it's worth doing or not. This means that I get more time being at home which I would like to mean that I would spend more time coding and improving myself but, I'm not sure if that's true. I used to be a big gamer and played a soykaf tonne of CS:GO but then my computer got fuarrrked up and I couldn't play it anymore. I had much more free time but now I started playing Dota 2. It's very enjoyable for me but I'm not sure if it's a good choice of my time. I play it because I want to be better than my friend who started playing it about the same time as me. I want to have that feeling of becoming very good at something and seeing myself improve. I know that I can see the same thing if I focus on programming and I'll see myself get better but no one else I know does that. It fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Anytime I code it feels great and I get that rush of trying to solve a problem that doesn't have a simple answer but I can't share my accomplishment with anyone that would understand or be happy for me. I just wish I had someone that I could talk and relate to. I just want someone too feel the same things that I do. I want someone who I can hold close and tell secrets to and know that my secrets will not be heard anywhere else. My high school fuarrrking is like kicking dead whales down the beach. It's an all boy's school and filled with kids who only want to get drunk on the weekend. I don't have anything against this it's just that I can never go to these parties not because I'm not friends with these kids or anything. I've just never been invited. Anytime I see these kids at school I'm great friends with them but that's where the friendship ends. I only have one real friend in my grade and even then he's not that great because he's always looking for someone to antagonize or someone that he can make fun of. I just wish I had other people that I could share my passion of programming with or even just be happy when I do something substantial and talk to about my problems with.

>>2940 dude people use nuclear power to build bombs, Tor to find cp, and your sister uses her 3DS to surf the net. Doesn't mean these things themselves or the people did them are bad, it's those who use it for bad reasons who are bad.

>>2940 Do you live at home? My first year of uni I was doing well in classes, lifting, and just generally happy like you were. Because I didn't live at home I could just ignore stupid stuff that happened at home. Your parents are good people and they raised a good son but honestly if you don't live at home you should take this opportunity to care less about this stuff.

>>2940 Its their bad parenting that she even got addicted to the internet. She said used her DS to browse only to get around previous restrictions right? Thats not necessarily bad parenting, what is bad parenting is them blaming you, and even telling you shes had several sleepless nights. Your at college, your under enough pressure already. You dont have time to be worrying about how your mom sleeps every night. I dont know why your taking all this so seriously. If this is the biggest of your problems I don't know what to tell you.

How can I tell my SO to get thicker skin? They get put off really easily if something goes wrong and tend to dwell on it for hours, and have a very all-or-nothing kind of attitude and it can't be doing them or their self-esteem any good. I want to be there for them, they're there for me and have helped me out plenty, but it's difficult trying to keep them on track and stopping them from entering a vicious circle after being tripped up by something (that I would consider) trivial, since I don't have any advice beyond "try not to let it bother you", "it's still early on, no one expects you to perform that well", and "it's still early days and you can absolutely improve". It's upsetting seeing them like this especially when they go on and on about something for hours and I cant think of anything to say to them, not even platitudes so I look like I'm engaged. I feel like I'm not helping them at all when I try to give advice, and I really want to.

>>2945 I know where you are coming from. My SO complains about work a lot. Im a college student and she just works, she really can only see me once a week because shes so busy. Its such a toxic place for her too, she works comes home and is too drained to do anything. This city is so expensive she works two jobs and lives with 3 other people in a lower medium sized apartment. The place is depressing and near/in a ghetto. And then she goes and works at an upper end grocery store and has to take soykaf from rich white dads and moms with 5 kids who are unvaccinated and have gluten allergies. My usual way of dealing with peoples problems is to try and help fix them. But it will be like another year at least before I get a decent paying job. She can't quit, she'd go homeless. There's no way I can help her that won't get me arrested. She can't help herself, her job drains her so much what little time she has left of course shes gonna relax. Not to mention cooking and cleaning the place. the most I can do is kind of allow her to enter a little fantasy world with me, where we do weird soykaf and talk about the world ending and draw. if life completely blows at least I can be somewhere she can vent and express herself without judgement.

>>2945 this is probably gonna sound bad, but slap her real hard when she gets like that it helps snap them out of it when they start spiraling into panic mode also, maybe score some dissos for her, k can help a hell of a lot only danger there is if you hate your life, then dissos can become unbelievably addictive

>>2940 I don't understand how it is your fault for homebrewing her 3DS 3 fuarrrking years ago which she just so decided to use as a way to get around internet descriptions recently.

I know this sounds conceited but im worried il get bored of everything. The fact is I do possess some kind of high intelligence. There is many kinds of intelligence, and I obviously possess at least one kind. I'm also, and this is a blessing and a curse, incredibly lazy. So while i'm sure i'm not so smart incredibly difficult mathmatics or computer science would be "boring", the leadup is boring enough for me to not be able to focus on it or keep interested. On the bright side, id I was hardworking and patient I would probably end up doing awful things just to not be bored. Thats what I worry about, there is roads to take that aren't boring and also quick. Being a drug dealer for example. So fuarrrking dangerous though, and I know due to my intense fear of authority figures, a little pressure from the cops would scare the soykaf out of me. For a good few months and then id be back at it. Thats how I am, I push things too far always and get scared and run away and then the fear loses meaning and I come back to push my luck again. Im switching my major from a STEM field to an Art related field. What if I also get bored of that? I've always been someone to quickly get bored. People are one of the few things left that interest me, I worry sometimes as I work through therapy and better myself that when making friends becomes easy il also get bored of people. My taste in girls has changed as I got bored. From a young age supermodel standards of beauty made me bored and I wasnt interested. Then I lost interest in dating white girls, they seemed boring and plain. Lack of interest turned into hate. I hate people that grew up in a normal white suburban family, even though im white. Mainly because I think they talk about boring stuff, I sound like an edgy scumbag I know. I've pretty much only dated black girls. Even further, I like girls with slightly off looking faces. Things like rounder faces (sometimes even slightly boyish faces), short hair I find attractive. I often think that removing a front tooth would make a person more attractive and would be a cool cosmetic surgery to get. I can't tell though because looking up girl with missing teeth gets you a bunch of trashy looking people. Coincidentally most good looking put together people just fix their teeth unfortunately when they lose one. Humor isn't boring but a lot has changed. I'l see someone post something funny but weird and a sense of jealousy kind of overcomes me because I know at one time I had loads of images like that but my humor just gets weirder and weirder and now I dont know what normal people find funny vs what I find funny. I used to be kind of a class clown in elementary school but got so detatched and anti social that I didnt hang around people and thus wasnt relateable. To this day people usually will either find me insanely funny or just bizarre. Even so I rarely laugh at stuff other people say, I think the stuff I say is the funniest. My friends think its hilarious when we play cards against humanity cause il be laughing my ass off just looking at my own card but when we all put em down im not laughing at all and I rarely win. I guess im just doing stream of consciousness right now about boredom and things i like and dont like. I really really like girls. I will soak up female attention like a sponge, probably because before this year when I actually started taking care of myself I rarely got any. Now people think im attractive and my personality is the only thing that gets in the way. My therapist said that my inner self so to speak appears to be somewhat androgynous. Thats not really something I care about, but im sure there is truth to it. I could probably spend hours looking at all this gender identity stuff and come up with some name for me but I like it better being a dude who just does some things that arent super masculine. But yeah I really like girls, and I like odd looking girls and sometimes I wish I could jack peoples brains into mine so they could revel in what I honestly perceive to be superior beauty standards. soykaf why don't I just be honest with myself, I do think my standards of beauty are superior, and I judge people heavily even though ive never admitted it before now on what sorts of people they find attractive (guy or girl) and what art they like and how they present themselves. When people say they want to get married and have kids and work a normal job it doesnt upset me for any other reason than its boring and not beautiful in my eyes. Id find a junkie spiraling down into depravity more beautiful, no discredit to the junkie. When I was a kid id look at great scenes of nature and feel this desire to do something with it. Taking a picture wasnt enough. I cant describe the feeling, it was like I wanted to be it or put it inside of me. Because of this scenes of beauty actually made me frustrated because I could not express what I wanted to do with it. When I draw I often draw cute or beautiful things being warped somehow and I think thats because its easy. If I cant figure out what to do with it il just mess it up. its probably obvious just from the way I type that im horribly self absorbed and have a grandiose sense of self. The thing is here I typed what I wanted to type almost, even less perhaps. If I typed exactly as I wanted to it would look like some sort of disgusting erotic violent fictiom. Usually I type much more humbly to the point where you could not take this post and another and tell or even imagine its the same person. I think if I read this post tomorrow it would be one that I would reply to with insults and hatred. This is mostly me unrestrained. Does this mean at my core im sick and have the potential to be a monster, or am I just exploring that path by writing. Can everyone become a monster but in different ways? Is self control part of my personality or a regulatory factor. now im curious, if any of you get what im saying. If you were to unregulate yourself, dive into depravity and just go unchecked what would you look like? Imagine your self control is you, and your personality is an endless source of power that your self control takes from and dishes out appropriately. Remove the self control and what kind of terrible soykaf would you do? I know exactly what id do and im curious if anybody else does. Im kind of curious if what my counselors perceive as me suppressing is actually necessary or if everyone has something terrible inside of them and its unrelated and it would be impossible for me to ever get there without going there because its a prediction of what could be rather than something already within. Not that you have to worry about me I know what im doing. Also i'm not even on any drugs. And im also a very nice empathetic person in spite of all this so ive been told and I agree. I really couldnt hurt anyone besides myself. When my girlfriend asks me to hurt her during sex it makes me sad, but I also know I like being hurt during sex so I can be very empathetic in that regard too. wow I really let it all out.

>>2951 I'm with you on the teeth thing at least. Not rotten ones, just ones that are crooked or messed up somehow. That gleaming, ultrawhite look that actress' teeth always have is artificial too. I'm not on my main computer today but I have a slowly growing collection of pics of girls' teeth.

>>2957 I used to love the whole japanese crooked teeth thing. But recently gap teeth are my favorite. On my home computer I also had a teeth folder.

I really fuarrrking hate my past self from school age 11-16. I was insecure, shy and with bad social skills. Ive come to learn and accept that there is no way to not be a target like that. its like with pressure and ballons, youve got to take place and give outwards pressure elsewards you will just ge crushed. I even changed class but it only meant changing the people. I suppose that my whole childhood wasnt that bad, but i cant think back into the past without being reminded. The best decision of my life was when i snapped and struck against my bully. I should have done it sooner, maybe in fact i should have done it to every person i met to assert dominance. But things are great now, so fuarrrking great. I have lots of friends, am more confident and socially skilled than ever. I just wish i could move away from this soykafhole. Often when i passed a group of youth it would happen to be so that they knew who i am without me knowing who they are, and not only that but they knew how much of a fuarrrking loser i was. And im still on my guard when every pass a group even if they are too young to have ever heard of me. Or one of the people who went to school during the same time as me recognise and have to remind me that they are still hot soykaf and that i am crap by yelling out my name as i pass. I dont even want yo meet my old friends so i have to prove to them and myself that ive changed. Its not fair to blame my past self now after ive learned my lesson and gained experience, but i still cant fuarrrking let go of it.

>>2963 At least you snapped I never did. Even last year at college I let myself be pushed around by a girl with some anger issues. Now I have all this built up rage that I take out in unhealthy ways. Im working on it but still, good on you for getting tired of that soykaf eventually. I think you did what was needed and that cumulation of being a pathetic loser for so long was worth it because you eventually acted out at the appropriate person and not yourself.

Im manic depressive and lonely again. I keep swining between mania and depression in hours cycle. I drink and smoke too even though i cant afford it. I have friends that i see regularly and have fun with too. Im one fuarrrked up person, but life goes on. Felt like venting.

>>2974 >I have friends that i see regularly and have fun with too. Well aren't you lucky..

>>2976 I type soykaf when im manic sometimes, but yeah it actually happens that i only met the trough a stroke of luck. Before that i had next to nobody for years that i could talk or hand out with. Sorry if it came over like a "im better than you" sort of thing or so, i know what its like being completely alone and in the past i got hurt by such things myself.

>>2796 Go to the gym, and get lean strength. Do not mention this, however. Hide it behind lots of clothing and make yourself look like a fat neckbeard loser. Next time some chump talks crap about you, punch it hard in the face, enough to knock loose some teeth, and then with a polite smile, ask "Anyone else?" It's important to be polite and smile at all times.

I need help. I dont know what else to say other then I need help. I'l calm down im just having a moment but like what the fuarrrk happened I wake up and the girl ive been seeing tells me she cant do a relationship but still wants to hang out and I have no reaction. I tell her its okay and im glad shes honest and that im not looking for a commited relationship. I go to my therapy in a good mood and I make everything seem like its getting better. I skip my next group therapy. I waste time, I realize classes are cancelled tommorow, I decide to trip acid. I fuarrrk around in a park. I cry. But I haven't cried in 3 weeks. The last time I cried I binged on xanax and alcohol and when I realized what I did thats when I cried. I don't even know what im crying about I just wanted to cry. I dont know what im expecting out of this girl, I haven't been thinking about it. I just liked having her around to escape from the bullsoykaf. I dont want to get too attatched now. I dont even know what a relationship is ive never had one, I dont know what she means im fine with things just the way they are. I was being honest when I said I appreciated the honesty and the fact she told me that, and she was telling me for my sake. She cried when we were talking. And I wish I could better express why im sad right now. My therapist pointed out I have endless vocabulary when it comes to sad things, but just a few words for being happy. Right now I wonder if im just crying over nothing because I need something to be sad about. This relationships been weird because shes made me more comfortable with some sides of me that are more feminine. I wasn't really raised like a boy, I've never had a male role model. But I know I just have to live with that, most girls don't want to deal with a guy thats more emotional than most girls. I feel like I post here too much but at times like this I can't get answers any other way. I think its weird that i'm even where I am. The more "normal" I get the more scared I get about how the fuarrrk I ended up here. I easily could have just been a neet living with my mom the rest of my life. Like what the fuarrrk, you can't do that to someone. And sometimes I wonder if maybe I just am giving myself too much credit and I just come off as a fuarrrking loser and no one wants to tell me. I need to get my soykaf together this weekend and really stop bottling stuff in so much also. I cant even think of an aternative to how I acted. what is there even to say when someone you care about says we can't work but lets still hamg out and fuarrrk or whatever. I guess at the end of the day its obvious as fuarrrk im so lonely id rather get hurt than risk her leaving. So many people just leave me it feels like and I know its gotta be my fault somehow, but its happened enough to where im really scared of people leaving. I never want to admit it but I guess being alone still is my worst fear, or worse than being alone being surrounded by people I have no respect for. Its my biggest cause its the most real because I can easily see myself just rotting away alone and not being able to make.any outside connections once the ones I have leave. Like I said thats where I was headed before college. And I dont know what other way to put it then i like to express myeelf and be received. it is probably why I live, and im not saying I live for other people, im not expecting most people would even like me. at the end of the day I know im still really exploring myself. so a lot of these feelings might fade once i really figure out who i am. i try to remember that. I hid for most of my youth, of course im going to have more problems now when im actually doing things. I hope I can find strength to keep going and also can stay focused cause at the moment I have none except on dumb soykaf.

>>2979 Do you want to talk over email a bit? What's your email?

>>2979 I'm sorry about that. As an aside it's okay to cry if you're feeling sad, it's a good release. From reading your post it sounds like you are distraught that the girl does not want to do a relationship. It looks like maybe you were hoping for a relationship with her since you really care about her, and her saying she doesn't want that hit you hard. Maybe you need to honestly think about what you're looking for right now. Do you want a relationship or not? I understand your post says you are not looking for a committed relationship, but later you say >what is there even to say when someone you care about says we can't work but lets still hamg out and fuarrrk or whatever. Which to me sounds like someone who wants more than what the other party is offering. If that's the case, you should decide if you can hang out with her knowing it is not going to end up where you'd like. If I were you, I would tell her how you feel and since you both have different views of the relationship, tell her this arrangement isn't going to work. Then you can start dating other women with clear intentions of what you want. Have you ever heard of a radio show called Loveline? It ended this year but they would receive calls with situations similar to yours and give sound advice. They have a website with some of their old shows, you should give it a listen.

>>2980 Thank you thats very sweet. I honestly have support so I feel kind of pathetic for even saying I needed help here. I know lots of people here have no one and I know what thats like. Im a lot better now after sleeping but I really appreciate the offer honestly. I might send email but not atm. >>2984 No I haven't heard of that. Relationships are kind of something I thought I'd never have so I never looked for advice. Same with sex. I didn't realize someone that I liked liking me for who I am is even a possibility, or someone finding me attractive. My first "relationship" the girl constantly talked about how ugly I was and I was always having to bend over backwards trying to make her happy and lost myself. I changed a lot since then and I know i've almost kind of found my style and cleaned up enough to where I might be considered attractive, still its hard to shake the feeling that I feel ugly. Il check it out though I don't know the thing is I normally would be fine with it. If it was because she still hadn't gotten over her breakup i'd be fine with it which is what I assumed. But I know she's still shopping around which makes me feel like im not good enough, even though she tells me that i'm perfect and that its her and that I deserve better. It just makes me think maybe she can't verbalize why she doesn't like me over whoever else she might be seeing. I also know part of her is comfortable with her depression and being hurt, I know I used to be like that too. It was easier to be fuarrrked over then accept the people that already liked me for who I was because it didn't seem real, I expect people to not like me. She seems to be the same, so I won't blame myself if next time I see her there isn't any love anymore, but i'l still be very sad.

I'm really going to kill myself. It feels so surreal

>>2988 What a lame thing to do. The end; non-existence. Not being conscious or aware, not being anywhere or anything. Just gone. That's pretty terrifying. Whatever your situation is, is there not a choice or set of choices you could make that'd be satisfying? Is there not the possibility of your thinking to be incorrect or in the wrong context/frame? If your thinking has lead you to the consideration of suicide, I'd say your thinking is flawed in some manner; it's not useful. In trying to get out of my own stint I've come across the idea that if a thought or action doesn't lead to desirable results, it's not good enough, i.e it's incorrect. It's immature atm, but it's a starting point. I'm not Christian nor religious but at very low points in my life I've looked at paintings of Christ as strength in some sense. The ideal of Christ is interesting and it's helped. Maybe that could help in a process of sorts, if you're open to the idea.

>>2987 I see. I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you mentioned she might not be able to or even willing to verbalize why she does not want a relationship with you. If she is still shopping around, as you say, you should too. There's no commitment after all, she made that much clear. Plus it might help you through all this. I know it might be easier said then done but give it a shot.

>>2991 This is what my therapist said too. Im definitely considering it and thanks. As you said easier said than done but it probably would be good for me.

I'm tired of not knowing how to make any friends, tired of not knowing how to make conversations interesting, tired of having to go after my mother so she doesn't blow our food budget in tarot bullsoykaf, tired of having to decide between going on a benzo binge or being a boring piece of soykaf, tired of being permanently broke. Most of my issues are, supposedly, easily solvable by practicing my social skills but I just can't seem to be able to. I don't even know how to put it in words but every time someone strikes me with a convo, I can't help but feel like I wanna stop talking and disappear ASAP. It's almost like my brain tries to avoid any attempt at socializing. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.

>>2995 You considered you might have some sort of anxiety? Not even saying a genetic permanent thing but something you can work on? A lot of my issues with socializing had and still do have to do with me feeling like nobody is interested in what I have to say and also focusing too much on trying to make friends or get someone to like me in conversation which ultimately resulted in me being a mess in conversations cause I couldn't focus on what was being said. I love benzos too but had to quit because I was getting super short with the friends I already had and was failing classes cause I didn't care. They really can make you a terrible person long term even though I know it seems like they help a fuarrrk ton and get results. But remember all its doing is killing that fear of saying something stupid or being judged or whatever, and you can fix that on your own but not on benzos probably.

>>2996 Yeah it could be, but I don't know how to tackle it if my mind is constantly trying to get away. I have the same issue online, talking to people in chats, or videogames or wherever it's in real time makes me anxious. I honestly hate benzos. They're just a tool to make myself more talkative, I stopped taking them recreationally. If only they wouldn't impair my memory I'd be on that soykaf all day. Thanks for the response.

I've fallen in love with my cousin who helped raise me since I was born. She's about eleven years older than me. Well, the thing is, she isn't blood at all. I grew up with my family obfuscating so much, so I assumed she was related. With one on my side being adopted, the lineage can't be traced, and so she's completely unrelated. She stems from another side. So... it's an odd situation. She was my role model growing up, and she babysat me while my mom went out to party almost 4 nights a week. I dunno man. It's weird. Yet the feelings are mutual. Looking at it rationally, there's nothing wrong but the familial ties make things... just... different. I don't know what to think. I do know we are both happy though.

>>3004 > Well, the thing is, she isn't blood at all. Well that got boring awful quick. No seriously though, that sounds awkward as hell. You two might be OK with it but it sounds everyone else will have a hard time accepting it. Just stick to oral, that way there's no offspring.

>>3005 Hah. Yeah. That's where it gets boring. >that way there's no offspring I want my neurotic bloodline to die out. It is a plague.

I have a bf since like 3yrs and we haven't even touched. It's not like we live away even, we are in the same city, but he's deeply closeted. We even tried to cuddle/sex once, but he's hard to work with. Like very cute and open on tox, but rather unplesant and even bit scary irl

>>3004 tfw no mommy/cousin to sit on my face and take my cummies. You should do it though, it's a gift from fate man, you've got a girl here who you grew up with, who cares about you, and now there's no possibility that your kids will be retarded. do it.

>>3026 > no possibility that your kids will be retarded wanna bet?

>>3027 There's always a small chance that your kid will be tarded, but seeing as they are unrelated the chance their kid is fuarrrked up won't be compounded by incest.

>>3026 >>3028 Not him and some would call this being a sheep but I wouldn't. When we get comfortable we settle for less. Might seem stupid, after all if you are happy and blind who cares right? Eleven years older though, mother type figure. The weird thing about family bonds is as some would say they are hard to get rid of. Its not like a regular relationship where its ideally two independent people, sometimes codependent if things go south. Breaking up with her would be awfully difficult. it could just get sort of depressing is all don't you think? Maybe not right now, your minds buzzing with love something you probably want very badly. But in the future you might be a little unsatisfied. The best things in life usually aren't convenient except when they are. Or more so I guess its that when somethings convenient and available we are more likely to make a stupid choice, we don't have to work very hard for it so nothing gained nothing lost from a short term view. Working your ass off in college to get a job is a lot of work for something you may not even end up liking, becoming a drug dealer can be instant and there isn't any apparent issues, the issues come later and ten fold of being unhappy with your job. Or being lonely for a bit. Well I just compared fuarrrking your cousin with drug dealing. Maybe im just being dumb, but maybe you get what im getting at. Itd be pretty tragic if all of a sudden you just stopped showing her love in that kind of way, pretty interesting though don't you think?

this is me collecting myself, what I want to say is in my next post im drunk so sorry if this is a bit incoherent i was raised by a single mom, im 19. im sensitive and have some feminine mannerisms and sensibilities. Im definitely more masculine, still most girls don't want me. Girls have been interested then dates went terrible. The girls ive succeeded with were as weird as me and had underlying issues, mainly they couldnt accept i was nice and empathetic. I know how it feels too, where your so used to being soykaf on when someones nice to you you dont trust them. Or for some inexplicable reason show more interest in the people who would leave you in a second then those who would die for you. Like I said I am truly empathetic when it comes to girls. Naturally im not saying its all their fault, obviously I attract these people and am attracted to these people for a reason. Probably cause I have my own issues but honestly all i can say is im just weird. The girl im seeing right now is as weird as me and i love talking to her and cuddling and soykaf but i cant really make her life more exciting. to be fair she only shows up at midnight, the fuarrrk we gonna do at midnight. And early on she established me as the person she talks to depressing soykaf about. i really love her, i told her the second date when we fuarrrked cause im a pathetic boring loser too and she said i love you too but she clearly doesnt. it doesnt get any better for people like us. it doesnt get any better for people like us. theres always some new milestone i have, oh im gonna cut my hair or go to the gym and i get there and things still are upside down. the internet raised me and maybe it raised you too, and it made us fuarrrking outcasts from society. Even other internet people, because when you meet someone else in real life who grew up like that they are trying to get away from it just like you. Going to college and jobs and girlfriends and sex and drugs and self expression and trying not to give a soykaf and then trying to again when you cant. I know this sounds melodramatic but i also know its true that the time we wasted, you probably wasted online distanced you from the rest of the world. and perhaps because maybe im fuarrrking retarded and maybe i take too many drugs and am just creative and smart enough to still be deemed fit for society i want to tell you something that i learned and that i really believe. I know i said im drunk but this is honesty, being drunk makes me honest with people. il admit im a fuarrrking loser, my only saving grace is i draw stuff other people think is creative, i say stuff other people think is spontaneous and funny, i am creative, i can think outside the box. Earlier I said im smart enough, I dont know that actually i could be legitimately retarded, especially because of what i put my bdoy through but im a retarded savant cause im creative. And I really want everyone and you to listen, because this is it my magnum opus and it might sound stupid but its what i really need to express to all of you and I hope it helps and i dont know how much longer I have. My mood changes so much I could kill myself tommorow, or cut my face and be in a hospital. Theres something about me, when I go to my therapy i always act like everythings getting better i cant control it. And recently on the surface ive been feing cool and detatched and its not until i get drunk like this i can feel my thoughts but i still think them, its whats been motivating me recently and i want it to motivate you too. I dont know if il be able to adequately word it, I hope I can express to you in the next post with a sage what drives me and I hope you can feel it.

>>3030 The above post was originally a reply to a different thread hence the focus on girls. But to have the opposite sex find you appealing is considered a major milestone in society, and society is what I would like to speak to you about. Society takes care of its intelligent, or those who could cause damage to it. Thats you guys, I know it sounds narcissistic, I know it sounds conceited and like some conspiracy theory soykaf. But what im saying is true, please believe me. What kind of student were you? a C B student perhaps? Did you try your hardest? How many of you are in college, how many of you have experimented with drugs? How many of you were put down? Why are you in college? Why are you continuously teased with minor succeses to lose sight of the bigger picture? The fact is you are accounted for, I sound insane and I know it but you are. I was a terrible student from a small town, my dad was a meth addict and drug dealer, my mom a philosophy major. She fuarrrked my dad for one specific reason, she was antisocial but intelligent and kind, my dad was rougher, but more social and likeable. A people person. She thought together that would make a perfect human being able to elevate beyond the suffering. Is that not genius? Some very abstract thinking, sadly im neither. I am anti social but with a desire to love and make friends. Im creative but as I said perhaps lacking the intelligence and drive. But something changed when I realized the above. That everyone in this world is accounted for. Im not talking about illuminati garbage, the nature of society itself, powerful people set it up as so. No more gandhis, no more hitlers. Dead art, endless information, the trivialization of transcendental experiences. No more miracles, no more disasters. Please look back and tell me, am I mad or do you not think that you too might be if not for being streamlined. What if I told you that its impossible for you to fail, your upbringing and surroundings, specifically those of you in college institutions like myself, have led you to a place where you will be continuously babied, upheld, kept on the brink of destruction. But somethings up, you were exposed to places like this. I don't think places like this are monitored closely to be honest. Im speaking vaguely, if anybody is watching I look like a madman. But in places like this you were allowed to freely express your thoughts, person versus person. No matter if your as crazy as I am or working an office job and married. Again im not saying a group was behind this, im saying society itself collectively evolved to weed out people like us. We would be shooters, dictators, heroes, peace makers, bringers of change and bringers of destruction. I know how grand that sounds but im telling you its true. You may not all be good people but most of you are great people. But as I said society evolved to deal with it, for survival, for stability or enrropy. I cant tell you how it happened, whether its a standard evolution or something beyond us. Im not smart enough to tell you that. I can just tell you its there. At the end of the day all I really want to tell you is that you are expected not to play. The greatest among you might make fame as musicians, or artists, a modem of expression that watches society from a distance, the urge to do something strong but too beaten down and weak to rise above and play the game of society. I too will be that person, but maybe one of you can play. You can play the game, and you will be great. You will cause no major change in society, but you will be great. Unstoppable, I mean that unstoppable. You can kill and save as you choose. You are reality, there is nothing else but what you see. Thats it, thats the world. Included in it is society and your peers influence, take those into consideration. Have some metacognition. But then if at the end of the day you feel something must be done you do it, and you do it in a way that saves your reality and keeps you alive. You find a way with your smarts and craftiness, please. Direct all your intentions onto such efforts. I dont like this post anymore, but I will post it anyways cause after all thats what this thread is for. Maybe it might just inspire someone, whos willing to be inspired by a drunk fuarrrking retarded idiot whos about to black out, maybe thats what it takes. Whatever this post has helped me see clearly. Goodnight.

Have an avoidant personality or possibly just really lazy, keep avoiding people and my responsibilities, feel miserable because I’m always panicking or feeling guilty about not having done something. Kind of wish I had some sort of motivation but I don’t really want anything in life. Had friends and girlfriends but I still felt avoidant, consumerism doesn’t interest me, not enough of an attention span to play games or watch movies so i’d even fail at being a neet.

I feel like what I feel is insignificant compared to everything else in this here but I feel like vomiting. I have mood swings. Just a few minutes ago I was gasping for air, laughing, but now I don't feel so good. And the bad moods always last longer. Sorry for the rambling. For the longest time these words have kept coming back to me: "I feel so bad I can't sleep." And I know it's a quote, it has to be. But I can never remember where from. I feel so bad, I just can't sleep. I wish I didn't grow up in this age of fandoms. It feels so bad watching the one you've spent more than half your life in be at that point where everyone's just going through the motions. Watching it go through its slow heat death. Year after year you start seeing less names. Then it becomes month after month that you stop recognising everyone. Then, one day, you wake up and you're alone in a once bustling forum. Hoping, perhaps, that it's just another dry spell that'll go away. But it doesn't. I don't know. Maybe I'm just exceptionally talented at bringing myself down. I feel so fuarrrking bad I can't sleep. Laying in bed early hoping to catch enough shut-eye but just laying there. Eyes open or shut, doesn't matter. It just all comes back. For me its a fantasy world. One made as a bastion for the forgotten, the discarded. I'll lay there reminiscing on stories about immortals watching the death of the universe. A person in a cycle of reincarnation, robbed of self-meaning. But more than the stories I think of the authors. Long, long gone. They're social media's dead, you can't find them anywhere. I don't know their real names and everyone else's social media is dead too. I can't find them. I know it's not my business but I want to know that they're still out there making whatever. My favourite band's one of these guys too. I've searched obsessively but it's no use. Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone... Maybe they're in that fantasy world for the forgotten. Maybe they're in Gensoukyou, with all their books and their music. But I'm still here and it feels so fuarrrking bad. I can't sleep. I reach out for those old self-published books. Yellowed paper holding all the nostalgic stories written in a language I can't read. I caress every page, feeling it lose its gloss every night. One day they'll fall apart and I won't know what to do. Maybe I'll fall apart too. I put the books away. I boot up my laptop and read them; all meticulously downloaded, stored, and organised. All backed up at least twice. God, the fan translations have always been soykaf but I keep reading. I can't do anything else. I put those away as well. I'm in the dark again, laying there. Eyes open or shut, I don't know. I can't sleep. All it takes is a flood, or a robbery, or just an unlucky day when everything breaks down for me to lose all my copies. God knows they're impossible to buy nowadays; how can I even hope to buy a new copy in a decade? I can't even find some of these on the internet anymore. They've all been stored in old servers, all gone. Or maybe they're still there, just succumbing to bit rot. I know I'm being edgy, but it feels like I'm watching a part of me die a slow, agonising, death. All the things that mattered most to me are long gone now, or forgotten. Everyday is desperately grasping at threads, trying not to forget things that, at some point, held so much power. I just feel so bad I can't sleep.

i wish i had a gf so i wouldnt have to jerk of to hentai. im not even into weird soykaf, but i want to live in reality.

>>2988 Why don't you do something wild before that ? Like traveling to another continent, joining a monk temple, running a brothel.

>>3033 I think it's time for you to stop clinging unto other peoples writing, and begin writing yourself.

my parents work abroad (two different countries) and they make me choose who i will spend christmas with, but i feel more like spending them alone at this point to be honest also my s.o. has a soykafload of problems and i can't think of any way to help them; it hurts sometimes i cry myself to sleep but i feel like i shouldn't complain too much as everyone has so much worse than me i overcame many personal constrains in the past 2 years but sometimes social anxiety hits me so hard i feel like vomiting; i hoped it would be all over by now some time ago i reached out to a person that used to be very important to me; we lost contact not so long after i sort of prevented their suicide; i was told by them that it's rude of me to check on them and that i shouldn't contact them if i don't want anything in particular; and i just wanted to clear the air between us but i made it so much worse i already came to terms with the fact that i will be mediocre my whole life but at this point i feel like i may even end up somewhere far under that; and so many people believed in me i feel like the most selfish person on this planet

I feel as though I am not deserving of love.

>>3035 Careful what you wish for, a gf is pretty hard bloody work and sex doesn’t make up for it if you don’t honestly love her. Also no, no matter how lonely one gets no one can just instantly fall in love with just any girl.

I think ive learned about all I could from this place. Not to act high and mighty I think im probably not the only one here like this who sticks around to vent. Sorry if theres extra spacing or letters by the way it seems lain herself doesn't want me to type this, my keyboards only fuarrrking up here. Im fixing it each time it does it but I might get lazy. Anyways while this place can be great for my mental health, I could vent just about anywhere. Half the time the replies make me angry, the other half I just admire how kind the person who wrote it must have been. In fact it'd be better for me to channel and vent in the form of things I love doing. Some of you say you aren't passionate about anything but you type here frequently. Id say your passionate about expressing yourself. You might want to look into that, there is a lot of room to build more passion for it. Nothings really changed, life still is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Its like anything you are forced to do. Going on a vacation is great, but if your forced to go cause your family dragged you into it well soykaf at that point it really comes down to your character. Are you the kind of person that resists or can go with the flow. If you can find it in you to do the latter problem solved. But what if you can't? And how about that family, what if that family you are vacationing with is a piece of work. And what if you have all these tours planned when youd rather just relax by the beach. You can tell your family you won't go, they'l be awfully sad. Or you could go, and once you get there go relax by the beach anyways. Awfully hard, after all they did plan everything out. The tour guides are expecting you. But hey you are there, they can't send you back, if you say fuarrrk it im gonna go relax on the beach they might think you are a real prick, hell they might not take you on a vacation ever again. But they will be angry not sad. So its up to you, you can be happy from the start but thats probably not you. Then you can either piss people off or make them cry. Id say for people like us, a good majority of the reactions you are gonna get from the people around you is sadness or anger, and really the only way to get around that is letting yourself get fuarrrked in the ass by them and letting them drag you around, then the anger and sadness is inside you and built up. Im not one to deny peoples circumstances soykafting on their life, mine are too. But I want you to look and you see these success stories of people who came from nothing. You see them all the time so you feel even worse about being a sack of soykaf probably instead of putting the blame on say society, its your fault. Well the thing is those people weren't just people with some kind of gift of immense willpower you don't have. All they did was piss people off and dissapoint people, something many of you might be scared of doing. The people you might dissapoint right now probably dont expect much from you so you feel okay about it. And its a passive dissapointment. You can forever be a slave, selflessly pleasing those around you, its not all bad. You bring lots of smiles in a way, at the same time probably guilt. Or you can really take control if you want to change. Experience new kinds of pains you haven't ever felt. You really will want to kill yourself when you take control. If you don't though, you are set. Every time I think gee it can't get any worse, and then it gets worse, and then I see how bad it is and really have a new sense of boundaries I can push. You ever talk to somebody who went to prison? Their a blast to be around. Lets say one of you decides im gonna run away from home, but the consequences of that the weight of them paralyzes you. Lets also say you already got over the fact that you might get stabbed on the streets or starve or freeze to death, you already are suicidal maybe. No you are worried about what you DON'T know will happen. Gee how will my family react, what if I want to come back, are there things worse than death? From my experience not really, after each terrible thing ive gone through suicide was always on the mind and an option. Then after I thought, gee that wasnt that bad and im back at it again fuarrrking things up. Worst case scenario you decide you need to come back and call tour family up. They realize how much you must be hurting to do something like that and help you out, or they don't and get pissed at you. Once their pissed at you youl probably be pissed at them, you got every right to be. Then you can really start planning. Thats just one example, but I find most things are like that. You really don't know anything till you try it, its funny how far off your brain is usually when it comes to consequences. You find a way, your brains evolved to find a way. In fact your brain works best when its in trouble. Those people who are all their tests and do their work, thats because to them falling out of society is death in their mind. If they failed of course they'd realize its not so bad down here. I guess what im trying to say is if you feel sad you aren't sad enough. You need to fuarrrk up harder and feel even soykaftier. Not because its gonna make you appreciate what you have more, its just going to make you stronger. Its going to make you realize what you really care about and what you don't. Then you can stop worrying and wasting time on the stuff that might be. You might be afraid of loss too, things you see as irreplaceable you could lose by fuarrrking up. But everything is replaceable except yourself, and you don't even have it in you right now to use what you have probably. You got a girlfriend and soykafs not working out, you fight about it possibly dump the bitch or the other way around and never see this love of your life again and next time you know what not to do. Or you stick with her forever always kind of knowing something is wrong and feeling bad and anxious and worried. Well thats all I have to say. Good luck to all of you, thats my take on life up there, its not the only take but it works for me.

>>3041 yeah i know (well. assume really), you should get a partner because of affection and not desperation. but its been buggering me lately. i dont know much about the opposite gender and suspect my view is slightly skewed since most of my interaction is through pornography.

>>3039 I am terrified of the invisible connections formed between others, and myself.

I'm visiting a friend from the 27th to the 29th, we've planned this for a bit and I need to take a fairly long train ride up. We thought it could be fun to get together and play horror games and watch spooky movies. The only problem is his dorm is having a Halloween party and I'm worried I'll get roped into it. I'm really not the partying type and worry that I'll probably have a breakdown if I attend. I wouldn't say my friend bends easily, but it's a niggling thought that I'm worried might happen. In any event, it's probably going to be less enjoyable than I'd hope because there's almost certainly going to be a lot of background noise. I feel like I may have made things more awkward as well, since he does the cooking and there'll be a party going on in (presumably) the kitchen. I guess to make things worse, we're a bit closer than friends and we're both worried about getting outed, because the way he described it to his flatmates sounded like he was bringing a girl home I guess I feel guilt for not realising this would happen and having to put him through it, and for hyping it up when it'll probably be mediocre at best. I know I'm probably worrying over nothing, but it's not stopping me from feeling them.

>>3046 Have you talked with him about it ? It's still a week away, I'm sure he'll understand. You already confessed that you feel guilty about it, no need to unnecessarily torture yourself over it. Ultimately, trying to get over your fear would be best and maybe he is able to help you conquer your fear. It would make the two of you grow together more too. Getting over my fear helped me a lot. You should go, if you can bring yourself to realize that it isn't a big deal (sorry for calling it that). You probably know all of that already though. Good luck either way!

>>3060 I think we've accidentally come to a compromise. He goes to a pool club on Friday which he would miss otherwise, I said he could go and I wouldn't mind, but after saying he'd be out for maybe two hours I asked if I could come with him. He said there's about 18 people, but it should be quite relaxed, so maybe I can get used to people there.

>>3046 I am not the type either, but usually i take half a xanax before I go to any party. Depending if i take more than 1 mg, I just try to not drink and stick to smoking weed.

>>3046 My situation is slightly similar to yours, as I was invited to a party and would love to go for someone there but it's also party of somewhat closed group of friends and I know I would stand out too much. My social anxiety and stress levels are already getting higher after overthinking this so I will probably just stay home, hahah. Why am I like this, always getting back to same point, being so digusting and pathetic. I already feel like vomiting.

>>3062 Sounds like everything played out perfectly. Also good on you for taking the initiative and going with him. I'm sure you'll have a good time. >>3070 Don't make a big deal about standing out. It's a party of tight knit friends, they're most likely going to be more occupied with each other anyways. Which means you have less reasons to stress yourself. Remember, the people are not there for you. You shouldn't feel pressured to be anything but a tag-along. Chances are that you will talking with your friend all night anyways.

My world turns upside down at night. I get lonely, scared, depressed, and paranoid. Right now I keep thinking that my love interest is conspiring against me with her friend, secretly saving messages and images I send and compiling a sort of showcase of how pathetic I am. I want to talk to friends about it but I either dont want them to know Im having these thoughts or I think they are part of the group plotting against me. I imagine strange scenes of them all having sex as some sort of weird way of mentally torturing me. In the daylight hours these thoughts hardly ever plague my mind and I have hope that things will work out with the girl, but as time progresses I worry that even if things work between us I will still have these unwanted thoughts, which will probably lead to an unstable relationship. Has anyone else been here before? I dont know what to do other than to persevere, but I worry my sanity will wear away eventually.

>>3082 Trite but you should find help in a counselor or psychiatrist. Are you on meds currently? It might explain the day night symptom cycle. I had something similar.

>>3082 I second what the other poster said. It is extremely unlikely that these plots against you are occuring. By that I mean there's like no chance. Please see a professional and talk to them about this. They will be better trained to help you than anyone on an anonymous imageboard can.

>>3082 I mean so what if it did happen. Is there anything you can do about it? Armchair psychology here but I feel like this sort of fear is the remnant of a similar fear of death some children have. Where kids will think of irrational scenarios like a zombie apocalypse or a meteor hitting earth, they aren't productive fears cause they are out of the persons control even if they were rational. As we get older irrational fears are supposed to for the most part leave except maybe a few, but some people I think are left with just this vague overbearing fear of death. However as life becomes not about the instinctual survival and more about societal survival death changes to something else. And its not just social ostracization, I don't know what this fear is but I feel like its manifested in many ways, and its not related to death. The fact is though you can't control other people. You don't have any reasons I imagine to think they are doing any of this aside from your low self esteem. Thats the real root of your issue. Most people wouldn't think about something like that, and then when it did they would just cut contact. Obviously those people sucked, you probably will kick yourself like gee I should have known, but if things are like that they wouldn't have worked anyways. But as you said you having this barrier won't help either. I don't know your situation or these people, you could be blinded by love and from an outside perspective its obvious you are being played. But the fact these thoughts only come at night probably isnt the case? Just have faith, tell yourself that whenever the thoughts return. Don't even think about it, its NOT true is what you need to tell yourself. I don't know if you ever have had faith in anything but if you happen to be religious its that same sort of faith but just put it in another person. If not think about it like how you act as if a meteor won't crash tommorow or a plague wont hit. You do, you make plans and think about the future. You don't worry about some cosmic rock that might hit earth. You don't even think about it until you do, and then you brush it off like gee I hope not (or maybe you hope it will). Thats where you are trying to be if you really care about this person. That way at the end if things dont work out you won't have the soykafty feeling that it was because of you being neurotic. Itd be because you have poor taste in people and need to work on that as well as attracting the right kind of people.

Holy heck I'm absolutely boned. I have a linear algebra midterm and an essay both tomorrow, then I have to prepare for TA-ing interview on Wednesday, finish this EE project for a class, and finish a bunch of homework. I seriously don't know why I put myself in these situations sometimes. Maybe it's because I feel like I have something to prove to myself. Whatever the case, I've been doing pretty well up to now. And chances are, I'll do okay on the midterm and essay, so I'll probably feel better by the end of the week (going to the gym has done wonders for my mental health). It's just a lot, you know?

I`m utterly disgusting person. Once I habe tried to kiss my sister. She angrily rejected me of course and I`ve stopped right there. Then a few weeks after she told it to my mother, she asked me about it I denied it completely. If people know it it I`m finished I`d literally linched because of it. I lie so much I`m starting to think I have double personality. I literally lie for no good reason quite often, ironically I love honest and sincere people. Everyone thinks I`m super smart and promising but that`s bullsoykaf., they are just even more stupid than me or they just want to believe me. I used to thought I am handsome now I realize I am just above avarage. I would get even surgery for this because unless you look perdect you pretty much tteated like half male. But I have no money nor a job nor job experiences. I am a clueless youngling dont know what to do after university. I am not good at socializing and I hate myself and pretty much everyone because of it.

>>3099 Sounds like life is squeezing you a bit. Keep it up.

My girlfriend is a workaholic (she has revealed to me this is her way of dealing with her past of being raised by an emotionally abusive parent). And it pains me to see what she's doing to herself sometimes the girl doesn't really get any fuarrrking sleep; she honestly doesn't take care of herself physically. She's college-aged as am I; she's graduating ahead of a normal time for people my age. It pains me because this girl is throwing her youth away into work, and her plans for the future almost seem designed to keep her as busy as possible rather than it being a sort of pursuit of interest. Her obsessive nature over work has bled into other parts of our relationship due to how I met her she was nervous as to whether or not dating me would cause her to lose her job (unrealistic fear, she wasn't breaking any rules) so for the first month or two we were a secret which I really didn't like. I told her how much that bothered me, and the she should ask her boss if we could date as I was fed up with having the relationship be a secret, I told her how bad that made me feel and she said she was sorry for all of that. Anyways recently while having the knowledge that she was safe and could not be fired about this she withdrew her hand from mine while we were walking around because she saw some coworkers (should mention this is all in a lax college-setting) which really bothered me. I confronted her about this and she said she would stop and that she was sorry, and that she wouldn't do it again. She's afraid of rumours going around that we had improper relations at last school year (which we hadn't) I told her that the truth is we didn't and if that the fear of appeasing fake people shouldn't lead her to act like that. She basically said she cares about what fake people think about her, and she obviously seemed fine with doing that at the expense of my feelings. Also, she keeps herself so busy that it bothers me it doesn't even feel like I'm with the girl I first met. We don't really have legitimate conversations anymore, and I just hate this. That abusive parent of her's really fuarrrked up a good girl; it's pissing me off to see her hurting herself like this. Also, this is all negatively effecting me too so I am bothered. I don't know what to do I feel so lonely around her now. I care about her, but I'm beginning not to feel anything when I'm with her. :(

I wish I wasnt neurotic I dropped out of college a few years ago and ever since then ive been drifting. Ran into a mutual fund that my mom left because she died when i was 10, so ive been living mostly off of that for some time Really depressed and alone, nothing new. I only see my cat now. I stopped talking to anyone else except my brother, who has his own life to live and is still young I want a job and it kills me that im not working. I got up today at 7pm after going to bed at 11am, insomnia is a bitch and when i do get sleep i just want to sleep forever (if i take seroquel i sleep 12+ hours) Started seeing a therapist again 2 months ago because i couldnt stop thinking about suicide again and i was terrified of myself and i cant do that to my brother. Yet if it werent for my brother, why shouldn’t I off myself? I want friends yet every time i get to know someone i just end up hating them and causing them pain. I used to think it was them but now I know its just me I hate being bipolar, i hate being mentally unstable all the fuarrrking time. Even when things are looking up i find some reason to be depressed, paranoid, and constantly uncertain I dont want to rely on medication, i dont want to rely on a therapist, i just want to be feel like people actually want me here, yet so far I’ve just been a trainwreck and I want out, I want it to stop. For their sake, quit wasting their time

>>3111 That is like kicking dead whales down the beach man, I'm sorry. I have a family member who is obsessive about work as well, and it can cause pretty serious issues. I think many times workaholic behavior is rooted in low self esteem and anxiety, you may want to try to figure out if that's the case here Poor/abusive parenting can often cause children to mistakenly believe that they are at fault for family issues, leading to low self esteem The child then turns to job and academic performance as a replacement for the inner sense of value that they haven't developed Obsessive anxiety about losing her job is likely because she needs external approval, and right now school and her job are her only sources She may also suffer from impostor syndrome, its common for very successful with low self esteem to think that they are fakes and not worthy success Realize that her withdrawing partly from her relationship with you might be caused by anxiety over losing you and a desire not to become dependent on you That was a major issue for me with one of my girlfriends, she became dependent on me for support, then started to resent that dependence Try to be there for her without pushing too hard and help her find a healthier source for actualization, which will allow her to build self actualization mechanisms

>>3111 Sounds like she needs some improper relations to help her relax ;) Jokes aside, that is a bad feeling. My fuarrrkbudy is a workaholic, as well. Regularly takes the maximum number of hours at school, is a double major with a triple minor, and gets maybe four hours of sleep max every night. Fortunately, she recently dropped the third minor and that's lightened her load up a lot.

When im not depressed I don't get anything done. my body is just like your good now you can take a break just enjoy it while it lasts.

>>3125 I've heard this so many times. You must mean "mild" depression, which can be a useful time to withdraw a little and tune out distractions. Getting anything done in a major depression on the other hand is pretty much impossible. Including getting out of bed some days.

>>3132 yep and point stands. I have trouble getting out of bed everyday. ive failed classes cause I didnt get up to go to them for weeks at a time.

I kinda just lost the one good thing I have and I don't know how I'll fare from now on. I'm scared. I'm pretty sure I'll have a panic attack sooner or later. Not sure I should've made you go away - but it was impossible to keep up because it was hurting a lot. I tried to hold for 5 months, counting from the day you said you'd flee with me, then gave up and kept on a 'maybe' for a month. but I've reached my threshold. Cycling between euphoria, depression and getting super mad is also impossible to keep up and is ruining every attempt at creating a routine. In a way I hope you get somewhat miserable and rethink stuff and come after me. Not happening, I know; why you'd throw away something stable that's been going for 15 years to a 1 year-old thing? Even tho due to it you've recovered from your bad mental state and didn't kill yourself because of me, and said you love me more than the one you're married with... Thanks for paying for a therapist btw I really couldn't afford it right now. Thanks for the nice moments - maybe when I'm resilient enough I'll learn to cherish even the bad stuff. And I refuse to ever, ever be someone's second thought again. Tired of eating breadcrumbs. Hope I can get back on my feet, not that I ever did, however.

>>3136 And of course the random name my post comes with is from said person's favorite show. Bravo! And we were supposed to watch it together. I remember said person told me " don't want you to watch episode 24 alone. Watch it with me next year when we'll be together for 4 days straight." Which I think will still happen. or not. I don't know.

>>3136 I feel it. I need too much attention to be someones second thought, its pathetic but thats how it is.

I am realizing i have lived my whole life with self esteem issues and have a huge amount of self hatred. it is wearing on me more and more as time passes. I spend so much time on the internet so i can forget about identifying as myself and exist in a realm that is nonphysical. I don't know where this disgust for myself stems from but i can recognize it is irrational. i remember being 9 years old and being watched by a neighbor mom and hearing her talk about how much of a weird kid i was when she thought i was sleeping. i remember squinting my eyes shut and wishing i didn't exist. i wish i was so much more malleable to i could bend myself into someone i like. i don't know how to rid myself of this feeling of shame and hate

>>2802 >gluten intolerant gf look into "ancient" grains, like einkorn. That one in particular has helped my mother with several of her health issues. Her skin is even clearer after giving up modern, chemically treated grains. >seasonal depression Me too. I can't recommend this from experience but they make lamps that mimic the sun's light, so that might be worth a try if she's going to be cooped up at home for most of the season. I can't offer much help with the job because I'm a college dropout working as a super low-tier drone in a warehouse. I guess I can cheer you on from below, lainon! I find jobs always seem disorientlingly hard at the start because a job is a myriad of things that need your attention, and getting used to a brand-new set of them is just hard. Even if you go the budtender route, it might be a good idea to stick it out a little while longer at your current job, just to see what happens. That's what I did at my current job, and I was moved to a position I'm more suited for, instead of the one I was so bad at I was worried about getting fired.

>>2820 nobody I've known who indulged their feelings of dysphoria had things go well for them, I'm sorry to say. look into medication for the feelings.

>>2872 ever thought about monetizing your swan song? We could all still get a kick out of it, except we'd give you some magic paper first. IDK man, even if you're suicidal you might as well try doing better than just scraping by and see how you like that. You're gonna die anyway so just let nature take care of the when, and do some cool soykaf while you wait. PS. some people go nuts for graffiti, you just have to find the right pretentious art society.

I really like the girl I'm dating right now, and we've been together for a couple years, but some things about the situation bug me. I'm still relatively young so I sort of want to have experiences with other girls, even if it's just flirting, but I don't want to break up with this girl or do something unfaithful (we both agree an open relationship probably isn't good for us.) And on her end, she says she's terrified of me leaving and in a way, that makes me uncomfortable, almost like she's with me because she thinks I'm her last chance at happiness. You could spin that as a positive but I'd feel better if she felt more free to leave the relationship if it wasn't to her liking. That way if she stays with me it's a genuine choice, you know? But I can't figure out how to say this without her freaking out and thinking I want to ditch her. I could just keep quiet about this forever, but I feel like that will eat away at me.

>>3145 I've been in her place I think and I really only found myself and got better after the person left me. On the other hand I wasn't consciously sticking with said person just because I thought they were my only chance at happiness although that was true that I thought that. I genuinely just loved them to death and the idea of them leaving was horrifying because I wanted them around forever. I was more worried that I was only keeping THEM around because they didn't want me to be an emotional mess if they left.

>>3144 not op but you're suggesting to prostitute feelings? quite common among artists, but at least they get cash. I have a tendency to prostitute myself for free. hard to resist and fun at first, later on feeling degraded and not richer a cent.

Hello Lainons, I have become a misantrophe of some sort. I hate pretty much everything about society. Even minor things that I used to ignore have a huge impact on me. I dont think I hate humanity, but I hate the society and with that 99,9 percent of people I meet. Only places like this give me some sort of connection with people, although I would probably hate most of you guys when I'd meet you. Maybe hate is the wrong word. It's more like being disappointed, but without having any expectations in the first place. I was always very distant to other people, but it has gotten worse over the past few weeks. What was non-interest in other people turned into disgust. I have days where I don't have such feeling, but these days became less and less. I feel like I'm an alien. These thoughts often distract me from work. I don't want to be alone anymore but I am, partly because I would hate most people I meet and partly because most people would not want to have anything do to with me because of my beliefs and ideals. I also have trust issues. There is not a single person I could trust with a secret or anything. So yeah, I made this post in hope I would feel better afterwards. I already do. I hope this feeling wont come back soon.

>>3157 I felt that way in high school too.

>>3158 You dont feel that way anymore? How and why if I may ask? By the way, I hope my post wast to edgy. Its just hard to describe these feelings without sounding edgy as fuarrrk.

I want to kill myself.

>>3159 I was being a dick, wasn't I? Sorry. Now I see lots of people doing things they may not want to do or compromising their values in small ways because they don't see any other way, or they see these things as small sacrifices. Lots of people are fake, shallow, untrustworthy, etc. Lots of people aren't. Rather, all of us have these traits to some extent but the majority of people I meet aren't so bad... just misguided and too busy with work, school or parenting to change their ways. I realize there is no real place for me in the world today but that's because of massive and constant global change which no one is really in control of. Sure there are a few hundred sociopath multi-billionaires who sway things this way or that but they are at odds with each other too. It's corny as hell but I just try to survive and not get in anyone's way or who has higher ambitions than that, nor rain on their parades no matter how harebrained their plans are.

>>3161 not the same guy you replied to, but i have kinda similar feelings to you sometimes i am fine with a few people i've known for a long (5+) years time, and can relate to them to an extent however, with people i don't know, especially in crowds, i have a hard time really recognizing them as human i don't know why, and it isn't out of hatred or anything, i don't hate them, i'm not disgusted by them, something just doesn't click its like looking at a herd of animals, or monkeys or something, you know they have behavior, but you don't feel connected to them i used to feel an instinctive connection to people, i don't know when or why it went away, but its just gone the thing is, i don't even mind, it isn't something that bothers me, idk why >>3160 i hope you don't, try to keep going for a bit and things might change i know its cliche but what else can i say really?

>>3136 I wrote what I felt for the past week instead of the day, I was kinda of better then. Today I am ridiculously well - it's funny. I decided to try YET AGAIN, but under a new way - a not so nice one. I played the nice person who'd help you in your marriage, your life, your stuff and would sacrifice myself. Not anymore. I'll be manipulative now. Make you feel guilty("aww please sleep at my place today I feel so lonely anon!"; your SO pulled that on you even though you sleep together every single day... and you totally fell for it.) Make YOU sacrifice a stuff or two for me and I won't give you proper neutral advice, I'll try to change your mind; I've dealt cards against myself so far, I WILL cheat and give myself the upperhand. I won't ruin your life, be mean or anything - just won't be neutral, play 'for the good of all', it'll be for my OWN good - and what I believe is also the best for you, even though I might be thinking a bit too highly of myself now. lol I will make you fear even more the loss of me, you know how relevant I am to your well being. I'm your supporter, the only person you're open with, you don't feel safe around people, I don't want you digging yourself into your own isolation anymore anon... Many times we had sex you asked me to bruise or bite you - that'd most certainly ruin your marriage, I won't go this far but I can't help but interpret these requests as some sort of "please make it fall due to your mistake/ an external cause" - I've noticed from your behavior how you're scared of being the one directly at fault due to the (apparently) abusive circumstances you've been under. Seriously, you seem to crave for something open and free - just join me. Even my friends who aren't aware of 'us' ship us. What's the point in continuing your life as it is if you feel like killing yourself? You said you wanted to come with me but you 'can't': "oh my SO doesn't have a job, I couldn't do that to they, there's money involved, blablabla..." but, you know, what about you? You even said you loved me more than your SO. I'm not saying to just disappear, but all these things.. they can be worked out. Do you even live for yourself, besides what you are having with me? It certainly didn't sound like it whenever I hear you talking.

Kinda stressed out... Got my first techincal CS interview for an internship on Wednesday. I'm going through "Cracking the Coding Interview," and while I'm really enjoying these problems, some of the early ones absolutely stump me. And it's really frustrating because even though I can keep pace pretty well with my CS/EE classes, these interview questions are designed to be very difficult to solve within 45 minutes and have a lot of places to be stuck. Oh bother. Guess there's nothing left to do but grind until the interview and see what happens.

How do you control your neediness? How do you channel your hornyness into something productive?

Im frustrated. I dont have any experience with women and i know its affecting my view of them. i dont think its the neckbeard autist kind of way, but i just know some experience is missing in how to model my way of thinking and seeing correctly.

>>3167 1. masturbate faster 2. move on to productive activity

>>3167 You could use it to motivate yourself. >if I do my exercises, the chances are higher that I'll score a qt gf

Bymonthly im broke, drunk/high, manic depressive, drug addicted, borderline, lonely and anxious, loser geek stereotype and i need attention/vent post.

>>3169 different anon here but it won't work in my case. After each fap I don;t have energy for anything and I just watch some stupid videos on youtube and feel that everything is pointless

>>3171 Your life sounds like mine. Get money every two weeks; drink for 24 hours a day for 5-7 days straight depending on other expenses; get nausea, sweats and horrible eczema for following 2-3 days (no idea the connection with eczema); return bottles to buy food; go hungry for final 2-3 days of cycle; repeat process. All I want is an alcoholic underachiever to snuggle up on the couch and watch Red Dwarf and Squidbillies with. Oh, and to make thee secks... is that so wrong?

>>3173 that sounds like my gf and all I want is for her to be happy and to get out of her soykafty dituation shes in. But she's already resigned.

I have trouble understanding social situations. I think it's just very very deep insecurity, I always assume people think the worst of me, and I have these elaborate arguments in my head about what people think of me. Doesn't help that I'm very quiet and shy. This has gotten worse in college, where I know almost nobody and I'm put in more social situations. I also have something that's probably a social anxiety disorder. It's manageable, but some things I just can't do(going to the gym, going to local events alone, talking to people I don't know). I have a gf but we met online and she lives very far away. She's visited once, it was amazing. She's thinking of moving to a much closer location, which I am conflicted about because she has some obsessive tendencies and I feel like she's doing it to be with me but we're very frank about it and she assures me she's not. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have an online gf, and that it's all because I'm inexperienced and I can't seem to meet anyone in person that I'm even doing this in the first place. She's super supportive though and I love her, I don't want to end it even though it puts me in so much stress. I think if she doesn't move closer within the next few months I'll end it, just to save myself the intense anxiety. I'm going fuarrrking crazy about everything all the time and I don't know what's real. This was very hard to type if you read it thank you I just needed to vent <3

>>3175 I cant stress enough that universities have free counseling for mental health. I would absolutely recommend that you go and see about an appointment. Social anxiety stops being a basic problem and becomes a sickness at some point. Talking to someone trained to understand whats going on with you and help is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe you need a medication, maybe coping mechanisms will help you. It made a world of difference for me. Mental health is super important. Please, don't be ashamed to seek help or talk to any of us here if you need, or want to!

>>3176 I really don't think it's that bad, I can function and enjoy myself most of the time, especially with my friends from back home. This sort of negative thinking is rare for me. But, if I feel like it is starting to really be a problem, I'll take your advice. Thank you.

>>3177 Remember people go in for just feeling stressed about school. They just are there to help.

>>2792 Nothing has really been breaking my way for a little bit, job put me on a temporary layoff, that looks like ot could go from 1 month to half a year. No money, getting sick, frustrated and bored. And I don't have the alchohol or drugs to deal with this kind of soykaf. Right now I'm feeling the white hot rage that only trying to fix linux audio could provide, I've never been the type to punch something out of frustration or anger, but he need to destroy is immense when you try to deal with audio on linux. I ended up breaking my bookcase. It was falling apart anyway.

>>3174 Send her over to my place, I'll treat her well.

>>3179 i know your pain, i mess around with trying to record soykafty music on my machine sometimes, and i've spent many many hours messing with audio stuff you have all the different protocols for everything: want to route midi? half of stuff only supports alsa midi, half uses jack midi, so you have to run relays between want to properly synchronize the clocks for several different sequencers and external midi input? not everything reads from jack's clock properly sometimes events get lost in the mix somewhere, so you'll have something that didn't respond to a stop event and you send a panic signal, but your routing's messed up sometimes if you'd been listening to music using just a desktop playback application that only supports pulse, when you killed the pulse server it didn't release the sound card properly sometimes one of the soundcards decides that it doesn't want to decode pcm properly for some reason and has to be reset, but doing that requires you to restart jack and configure everything all over again sound is hell

I feel like I'm slipping into paranoia. When someone knocks on my apartment's door, I have an irrational fear that it's someone malicious, which is irrational since I live in fairly safe apartments and my roommate and I do not partake in anything that would attract malicious people to our home, or that it's the police coming to arrest me, which is irrational as I've committed no crimes and browsing lainchan is probably the closest thing to "suspicious behavior" that I do. Nonetheless, when a knock at door happens, I feel somewhat panicked, and almost always drop whatever I'm doing to listen my roommate answer the door. I'm also becoming increasingly suspicious of people around me. I can't leave people alone in my room because I get anxious that they will search through my things. I don't even have anything to hide. All anyone would find is clothes and snacks. Worst of all, I've been having brief fits of paranoia without any events triggering them. There's no knock at the door, or person in my room, to use the same examples as the rest of the post, but I get overwhelmed with the sense that someone is out to get me and it's going to happen soon. Coupled with depression, this has been leading to me lying in bed running over countless, irrational scenarios in my head in which someone out to get me does get me. It's horrible and it's becoming more and more frequent. I can't afford a psychiatrist and my university's free counseling won't help with this. They're only equipped to deal with mild depression, mild drug abuse, financial issues, and mild social anxiety. Anything other than that and they just say they're not qualified to help and recommend a therapist. I tried to go in for an appointment with them years ago after an involuntary stay in a psych ward after a failed suicide attempt, but they said they couldn't meet with me because my issues at that time warranted help from someone more qualified.

>>3181 JACK just doesn't work on my machine at all, I have no Idea why, it has something to do with a ridiculous amount of XRuns. I was learning SuperCollider, and was making pretty good headway. I had just bought the 50$ SuperCollider book when my JACK died in an update. So I moved on to other synths, then half of them died, for some reason. Now I'm trying to wrap my head around CSound, but it is weird as fuarrrk, and It's tough. All my audio died for a day, until I did some weird configuration thing, I followed something on an obscure forum, and that fixed it, but I'm dreading the day, where all my audio just brakes, and I won't be able to fix it. I'm filled with rage and despair just thinking about it.

>>3182 How do you combat your experience of paranoia? if you use drugs they can contribute a lot to paranoia, im speaking from personal experience This last summer i moved in with roommates and my cousin, started smoking pot again (no one reacts as badly to weed as i do) , and was addicted to a dissociative called 3meopcp, doing it at least weekly, usually 2-3 times in a week for 8months By the end I was lost. Very distant, i am bipolar and I was cycling a lot. One day I did 3meo and lsd, bad move. I fell into complete paranoia, i heard tinkling glass in the kitchen and inastanty i thought they were cooking crack. My heart was thumping for HOURS. Sweating, breathing heavy. I knew they all didnt smoke crack or make it, but in the moment I was making plans of how I can gather up all my stuff because i cant live with crack cookers Of course it was just mixed drinks. I found “white powder” on the counter too (it was sugar they made cookies) and was mentally soykafting myself, even more confirmations that they cooked crack Whenever my bipolar is cycling rapidly and/or im getting depressed, i start to get paranoia. Constantly thinking someone else will destroy me when im not looking, they are doing dangerous things and I need to listen to know what to do when they confront me or get near me Meditation helps with paranoia for me. Exercise helps too. Drink lots of water, eat healthy. Do the basics great and paranoia usually doesnt stay My greatest problem wasnt paranoia, it was being depressed AND paranoid. I didnt have much motivation to change myself... wound up in the mental hospital this last summer and got kicked out of the house

>>3182 I am>>3184 Sometimes the psychs/therapists can help yet I believe its possible to alleviate most of the symptoms through time, with or without them. it will give you something to work towards while depressed, a goal. Find little simple things you can do that stop you from thinking and thinking and thinking- hobbies work great. I think paranoia can be healthy in some occasions, but this isnt healthy. The lack of a trigger is a great sign you are worrying way too much Why do you think you are experiencing paranoia? What seems to be the root cause? Good luck to you friend I know the confusion and frustration of paranoia way too well

>>3184 >How do you combat your experience of paranoia? I don't know that I do. I try to remind myself that I'm being paranoid and that it will pass, but it's not always effective. >My greatest problem wasnt paranoia, it was being depressed AND paranoid. For sure. I've had small moments of paranoia when not in a depressive episode, and that's easily manageable. But paranoia during depression is so much worse. >>3185 >Why do you think you are experiencing paranoia? What seems to be the root cause? I have no answer. My family has a history of paranoia, so perhaps it's just a genetic predisposition. >>3183 >>3181 >>3179 Linux audio is a pain. It got a lot better when I switched from using qjackctl to cadence to manage jack/alsa/pulse.

Lately I was on a let's say trip from my university which lasted 5 weeks. There was a girl there, we know each other for couple of years, and there was a thing betwen ut. We were kissing, cuddling and that kind of stuff. It was nice and we decided that after returning home we will meet and talk if we want something more. All of this time I thought she was my dream girl and that I finally found someone I could care about but now, after returning I am not sure I even want to meet with her. I have no idea why, I still think she is great but somehow I think I should look for someone else. I am not sure if my judgement is clear right now, because sometimes I have episodes of paranoia, depression and axiety. She has very specific personality, and is a person witch might be hard in a relationship (let's say sometimes she's bitchy). However I find it interesting but my lack of experience with women makes me fear that I will do something stupid, also probably I am not able to build a healthy relationship so all this situation makes me even more anxious than normal. I am not even looking for any partiular advice, just wanted to say this.

>>3187 I've had very similar experiences. My advice is: go for it. The doubts you're having aren't real, and even if it is a mistake you should try to dive into mistakes and learn from them rather than avoid them at all costs. Also, *talk to her about this*. Nothing ruins a relationship like lack of communication, *especially* long-distance relationships.

Ive been in two relationships both times i was the male version of a side ho and I dont see anything changing. First time girl was legitimately mean and soykaf, this time the girls like "your too good for me" whatever the fuarrrk that means. Im not really, yeah shes a bit of a loser whos not going anywhere with her life but I don't care about that. She's goofy and fun and has neat things to say. If I was rich id pay for her soykaf just to keep her around. I would have no problem if I was rich just being a sugar daddy, id see it as a good use of my money. Anyways she hasnt come over in two weeks and flaked again, shes probably done with my ass but then again the past times I thought that she ended up coming. Either way to avoid getting hurt ive accepted im single and I just have this person that comes over once in a blue moon to cuddle and fuarrrk. I dont care anymore, I hope she really doesn't want anything more because im not gonna be able to love her.

I've been feeling incredibly violent/suicidal recently. I'm just so depressed and angry. I want to hurt people and hurt myself. I feel like I might actually die soon. There's a gun show in town next weekend and I heard you can get guns with cash with no delay or background check. The fact that I know all this makes me really nervous because I'm afraid I might actually go. Half the people I know are proud gun owners and always ask why I don't have a gun, and the real answer is that I don't think I could resist the temptation to use it on myself if I had one. I'm just so tired and so done with life. I just don't want it anymore. I want to hurt myself and make it all end, I don't fuarrrking want this anymore

>>3193 Please, please, please consider talking to someone about your problems and tendencies. Whether its someone from here, or your doctor, or a psychiatrist, please make sure you're ok. Mental health is immensely important. If you feel something is wrong and you lack the coping skills, or knowledge to handle it please reach out. There are people that care about you and who want to help you. Maybe its just a lifestyle change, maybe you just need an ear, maybe its meds, but whatever the case there are people that care and would miss you when you're gone. We're here to listen if you want to talk, and we can help you find help if you need it.

>>3194 I know I need help, I'm just afraid it'll shatter my facade. I'm afraid they'll put me away or neuter me with drugs. I'm so good at lying and making myself seem okay, and I think that's the only thing keeping me attached to the real world. I'm afraid that "help" would ultimately make my life worse. I know people would "miss" me, but they don't really care about me while I'm here so part of me doesn't care. The only people I care about hurting is my immediate family, they're genuinely good people. I just feel so trapped, I feel like the world is rigged against me. If I tell my friends then they'll judge me and distance themselves even more from me. If I tell my family they'll pity and baby me and I'll be a drain on them and word will get out. If I get professional help they'll give my meds or just talk at me and cost me money and people will find out and judge me. I feel so trapped, it's just not okay for men to have mental issues. My chances of being in love or having good friends will forever disappear and I'll be the depressed mental freak until I finally kill myself after years of delaying it. I wish I had just done it years ago, I used to think surely by now I'd be in a success career with a steady girl, but I'm exactly as alone and worthless as I always was. One of my closer friends told us a story about how she "helped" a girl who said she was suicidal and it cemented my belief that telling the people I know about how I feel would be the single worst thing I could do. I'm alone and trapped and I just want out

>>3190 Sounds like she is using you. "Too good for me", seem more like a quick way to clam you down, then a sincere compliment.

>>3198 I honestly don't know how I'd respond to "you're too good for me". It sounds like something a person with low self esteem who wants to be reassured of their own worth would say. I don't think I'd read more into it.

>>3197 The beautiful thing about mental healthcare is that its treated the same as physical healthcare. Psychiatrists and Doctors cannot prescribe you anything you don't want, or feel won't help you. Sometimes just talking is helpful, and there are plenty of free resources for that kinda thing too. Any mental health professional is also bound by doctor patient confidentiality. They cannot talk to ANYONE about what you tell them. I've been where you are. Suicidal, wanting to hurt others. I've never told anyone close to me about it, but I went out and got the help I needed, and my god I cant emphasize enough how much I'm thankful I did. Please, if you need help get it. fuarrrk other people, your mental health is your responsibility and when you're happy with yourself you will notice everything turning around for you. I certainly know I did. I'm more than happy to help you find the resources, or just listen to you bitch about soykaff if you want. Let me know. I don't give a furrak what you got going on.

>>3199 Soykaff, that's almost as bad as "it's not you, it's me"

I'm an adult in America who's honest enough to admit that I didn't suddenly stop finding teenage girls attractive the second I turned 18, because that's not how biology works. Being a STEM student back then and an active researcher now, I decided to investigate the claims and the studies of the people who say that it's psychologically abusive for adults to have sex with teenagers, and my investigation concluded that those claims and studies were completely devoid of supporting evidence. Unfortunately, this hasn't stopped them from tearing apart countless loving couples and enacting censorship in the name of their bullsoykaf moral panic. I used to think that they could be persuaded to change their minds by appealing to proper scientific reasoning, carefully gathered evidence and basic human decency, but they just can't, and I'm tired of dealing with their stupidity. I honestly wish every single ephebophobe was dead. They're bigoted, repressive, deeply worthless pieces of soykaf, and their repulsiveness isn't limited to a personal level. As a scientist, I despise the way they're so cavalier with the evidence they fraudulently claim to have. They abhor reason, subvert science and make up hysterical bullsoykaf full of their own alternative facts to try to justify taking freedom away. No amount of logic or evidence will ever convince these fanatics that they're not divinely empowered to decide what's healthy for others, because they're too goddamn arrogant and self-righteous to admit that they're wrong about anything and don't actually have any notable maturity to be making judgments about the maturity of someone else. Most of them don't even fuarrrking bother to address any arguments we make. They just spew snarky bullsoykaf and pretend that's a rebuttal, and the scientific community that should be telling them how retarded they are is too cowed by their threats of state violence and censorship against dissenters to do anything. What galls me even more is when they pretend to be progressive or to favor individual freedoms and yet still support policing people's bedrooms. Their hypocrisy is the most fuarrrking inexcusable thing about them, and it's everywhere. Even the "free speech" advocates for the most part won't stand up for our right to even speak our opinion. Political communities that start out allowing us to be heard have inevitably become infiltrated by cancerous herd mentality retards from Reddit and turned into hugboxes. America is so fuarrrking full of doublethink on every single issue it's kind of amazing, honestly, and it happens no matter where you go on the political spectrum. I fuarrrking loathe the American public with the fiery passion of a billion blazing suns. More than anything else, it's their utter disregard for the scientific method and basic logic that's caused so many problems for the world. You can blame the government for some of it, but if the public gave a good goddamn about facts, they'd never be able to make their excesses seem reasonable. I look at so many of the posts in these threads, and I find the same source behind so many of the troubles in them. America as a society hates individual thinkers and individual autonomy, because individuals aren't as likely to buy into the lies of the corporatist political machine, among other reasons. America loves to make up reasons to isolate, exclude and persecute anyone and everyone they possibly can. I could go into a bunch of stuff involving the dating market and older women trying to ban out their younger competition, but while that's important, it doesn't get to the real core of almost all our issues, which is America's witch hunt culture. On a more personal note, watching opportunities with sweet teen qts vanish that I could have had if I lived in a decent country where people actually fuarrrking respect freedom eats at your mental health. I probably have half the problems people have described in this thread and 20 more that I don't even know about, and I can't talk to a therapist about the real reasons for them because psychologists are the ones who made up these crap studies in the first place. I think many of my scientific colleagues share my views secretly because they're smarter than average and can see through the propaganda, but what good is it if you can't talk about it? As an addendum which may seem positively run-of-the-mill given everything I just said, I consider it highly likely that humanity will wipe itself out in the very near future by doing some spectacularly stupid-ass soykaf involving nuclear war or a pandemic, and I don't even know if I care anymore. People only want to look cool to others, not to solve problems. At this point I don't think anything short of a time machine could fix this soykafty world. Part of me relishes the thought of humanity nuking itself so it can't spread its illogical cancer to the rest of the universe. Alien races would undoubtedly consider humanity a threat to their planetary security, and sapient AIs would probably try to eradicate humans for the same reason. Humans would just start groundless witch hunts against aliens and robots too. Given humanity's history, they'd be fools to expect anything else. If there is a Great Filter, I think it's fairly obvious at this point that humanity has failed to pass it. It's hard to express what it feels like to be a member of a failed species. I sometimes wonder what people would think of humans when we're gone, if anyone else is even around. If the remnants of our civilization were to be found by extraterrestrial explorers, they may get years of tragicomic amusement at how we fuarrrked ourselves over. Or they could be sad, or even happy to lose a potential competitor if they're of a more hostile bent. Of course, unlike the bedroom police, I don't presume to be able to precisely analyze the psychological status of people I've never met. The only way I could possibly give an accurate reading is if we're alone in the universe, or if no one ever finds Earth. That would mean no one would ever think anything of humans. And given humanity's utter failure at being anything remotely decent or intelligent, let alone worthy to spread into space, maybe thinking nothing of humanity is the best course of action.

>>3198 I wish she was then she'd come over more often. I think she sincerely thinks thats whats up. The thing is she is a nice girl, she just has all these ideas about herself and the world that aren't true or at the least aren't healthy. When I hear "it's not you its me" what I really hear is "you aren't good enough". Because i'm sure if I did everything right she would like me enough to always want to be over. She probably thinks shes protecting me somehow when in reality she's just hurting me. Thats actually what she said "I just don't want you to get hurt". I can deal with your depression or insecurities or whatever, its not gonna hurt me. I keep trying to tell her that but obviously she doesn't believe it. To be honest even more of what I hear is im not comfortable around you. Which one of my goals in life honestly is to be someone people can feel comfortable around and tell anything too, because I used to be very judgemental and mean so it hurts. In a way she is using me. Im pretty sure shes seeing multiple guys right now, that or shes still hung up on this ex who left her like some months ago. I know how that is and like nobody else can make you feel the same so you don't get too attatched. If thats the case whatever, I can wait to a degree I think she is worth it. Im happy this isnt depressing me as much as the last girl, it shows to me that i've grown somewhat. I also did learn from this not to escalate too quickly. We fuarrrked on the second date and because I was drunk I said I love you and she said she did too but probably didnt mean it and im sure shes scared of that and thats part of where the whole "I dont want you to get hurt" thing comes from. She also said when talking about other people "If you havent known me for like 5 years I cant trust you". I respect that and I think I could use some of that mentality as well. I warm up and open up to people im interrsted in quick. And ive had similar situations where someone thinks they are my best friend and they really arent and I get scared when they act like they are. ive been trying to look at everything in life as just lessons to be learned because im still young and inexperienced and I dont fully know my limits yet so its been helpful and less depressing that way

>>3202 Just move to Thailand.

>>3202 >being this blackpilled because people think he's weird for wanting to fuarrrk 13 year olds pedophiles really are mentally ill

>>3205 Thinking about it from time to time is innocent enough but getting that hemorrhoidal over it is without excuse.

>>3202 >defending pedophilia this hard lol

>>2916 I feel a lot like this. I'm 25. Working as a sysadmin. College dropout. No plans for future. I like to be alone but not feeling lonely. I have a few friends from highschool, we meet 1 or 2 times a month but i feel disconnected from them like if i was a spectator. Social life is non-existent. My social skills is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I feel ugly. Life is passing me by. Worst thing is that i know what i have to do but i don't have the will to do anything.

i feel wonderful. some bad days but nothing like before. shrooms/lsd periodically + gf + proper sleep and exercise have helped me more than any pill or therapist and given me a new outlook on things. hope all of you in a dark place can get through it. dont give into the loneliness. happy halloween

>>3200 I'm just so tired man, I'm so tired. My life is such a waste, there's absolutely nothing going for me. My job is awful, it's so mind-numbing and it's not ever going to get me anywhere. I hate my job every day that I'm there, and I cant wait to leave every day, but when I do get home I hate that too, nothing ever happens and everything bores me, I just wait until it's time to sleep and go to work again and it starts all over. My friends don't feel like friends, I don't feel like I'm genuinely included in anything. There's a distance I feel, like I'm not really there when I'm with people, like I'm not valued or loved by anyone truly, that I could go away and they might be a little upset for a while but they'd all forget so easily. I'm 26, I feel like time is running out for me in so many ways, but the thing that vexes me the most is my lack of success in love. Last year I fell for a girl and she moved away and got married. Early this year I fell for a girl and now she's my roommates girlfriend. Now I'm into this wonderful girl who feels like the single spot of light in my life, and she rejected me over a month ago. Luckily she still likes being around me so I still see her sometimes, but I just don't get why I'm such a failure at everything. Why don't I have anything going for me? Why can't I have at least one thing? If I had one thing, then maybe the lack of the others would be easier to deal with, but I don't. I have a soykafty job, I have soykafty friends who actively make me feel awful, and I'm a 26 year old kissless virgin who can't attract a single woman to save his life. I despise who I am and what I am. I have no future. I want one but I don't have one. I'm beginning to believe that I'm cursed, or hated by god or something like that. It feels like my life is a statistical anomaly. There's no reason I should be like this, I'm a likeable person, I'm reasonably attractive, like 6/10 on a good day, I'm in a good field with a guaranteed high salary, I make people laugh and I am a good listener. There's no reason for me to be alone, but I am. So the only explanation is that god hates me. I am hated by the universe, I am cursed to be hated and alone for my entire life. I will never be happy, I will never have anything meaningful happen to me ever again. I will either wallow in my misery being bored, terrified, alone, sad, and angry my entire life and then die old, or I can just die now and make sure I don't have to go through all of that. That's my logic. I don't see what I have to live for. Every moment that could go either good or bad, goes bad. Even today is an example, I could have possibly seen this girl tonight and maybe felt a little better, but for fuarrrking stupid reasons, I didn't get to. Instead I sat inside and tried my best to fend off the anger and the sadness but it came back because I don't have enough to keep it at bay. God I really really just want to be happy, I don't understand why I can't be happy, I don't understand why the universe fuarrrking hates me so fuarrrking much, what did I do to deserve this. Why can't I have friends, why can't I have a girlfriend, why can't I have a good job or good hobbies, every single fuarrrking day feels so bad to live through, I don't want to live anymore, I just want it to be over, I don't see a future. I have no future, I'm living day to day just hoping that magically my life will improve but it fuarrrking hurts so much every day going to sleep knowing I'll have to wake up the next day and live through it. i hurt so much, I just want it to end, I don't want to be alive it hurts too much

>>3213 There's this saying that people won;t like you if you won't like yourself first. Maybe that's the problem. If you are miserable and can't hide it well enought than the other won't be hanging out with you. I was like you in the past, thinking that god hates me, universe hates me and everything is against me. Maybe it's true, maybe not. I stoppd caring about it some time ago and many things got better. A lot of who you are and how people see you is in your head. If you are unstable, depressed, with anxiety then they will see it. Would you like to be around someone like you right now? I know that it's easy to say from my perspective, when some things got better, but unfortunately I don;t have any other advice than constantly trying to improve yourself and taking care of you mental and physical health. And don;t care too much about people. If your friends make you feel bad than leave them. Staying in toxic group kills you even more than being alone. And don;t try too hard to find new firnds. Trying too hard always fails

>>3214 I'm depressed and anxious because of my circumstances, but they also simultaneously are the cause of them, makes total sense. It just must be my fault for being sad, I'm depressed because I'm depressed, makes perfect sense. Except it's not true, my lack of success in life is the cause of my depression not the other way around. If I were to kill myself today, maybe one person in my life wouldn't be completely surprised. When I'm around others I'm not like this, I hide everything so deeply so that no one can ever see it. You can't show weakness in this world or you're dead, I know that. There is no reward for sincerity or vulnerability, I must be perfect at all times or risk the loss of everything and everyone I know. I know that. That's why I want to die, because I know that even having these feelings guarantees that I'm fuarrrked. My options include making myself genuinely alone by abandoning my only friends, making myself alone by slipping up and revealing an ounce of sincere emotion to be seen and losing all my friends, or a combination of both that might result in me slightly improving myself over the course of several painful years that will result in me still being alone, but just more in the future and now with a therapist I just don't see the point. I don't see a future that I want. My opportunities are drying up. Every day that passes, every moment I age, my chances of being happy get smaller and smaller. I try to make myself better, I've been improving for like a year straight in various areas but my motivation and energy are drying up. I thought improving myself would make things better but I'm even more depressed than I've ever been. It makes me feel so much worse because it makes me feel more that I'm cursed. If I better myself, but my happiness doesn't increase, then what is the point. I may as well give up, I may as well eat what I want, stop working out, stop talking to people, and just sit on my ass all day long and do nothing. There's no point to trying if trying doesn't work. I'd be better off not being here. I enjoy thinking about how everyone would react to my suicide more than I enjoy living, what does that say? I have no future, I'm just going to die miserable on some random day of some random reason, why shouldn't I just take the power into my own hands and pick the where, when, and how all myself

Today is All Saint's day and I visited the grave of my grandfather and I feel like I somehow understood the meaning of religioius practice while listening to the priest talk. This whole sermon (and basically all sermons and masses and holidays) have turned from a praise to god to a solace for anyone holding onto one of the final straws of something absolute in our present culture. It's not done for missionary purposes or even money, it's simply there so people can have a fixed point in their life, something they do not question and can therefore trust. I've been struggling the recent months with depression. It stems probably from lacking such a fixed point as faith (whetever in religion or patriotism or other ideals) I'll go to church this sunday. I won't 'find myself in god' or become a full blooded christian but it seems like a great consolation to lose myself in something for half an hour. Maybe it will just be a reason to get out of bed early but even then it's worth it.

>>3215 Have you tried going to the therapist or psychiatrist then? I don't really believe in them, however I was able tomanage with my problems by myself for most of the time but obviously you are not so maybe you shuld try some medications or therapy. You have nothing to lose from what you are saying

>>3217 No, I haven't. Every time I try to find one I don't know what to do or what to look for. I see these pictures of happy, professionally successful people saying they can help me and it just makes me feel bad and like they'd be secretly judging me. I don't know how to find the right one

>>3103 >I lie so much I`m starting to think I have double personality. I literally lie for no good reason quite often, ironically I love honest and sincere people. I've got similar problem. I lie to my mother constantly, because she always flipped if it was something negative. Then I realized that she flips if it's something neutral, or even positive. So I just cut the small talk completely, I answer questions, I ask them if I really need to. I still lie to my IRL "friends" about stuff I do, especially the fact that I'm a massive weeb. Even the "I'm playing around with microcontrollers and solder some random stuff" is considered weird by them, because it doesn't involve alcohol or making money. That's what you get when living in relatively poor region I suppose. >Everyone thinks I`m super smart and promising but that`s bullsoykaf., they are just even more stupid than me or they just want to believe me. Was told that by my mother constantly until I got to university. I've became complacent with studies because I was told I'm special. Guess what, I wasn't and people caught up. After a first two semesters when the curriculum was pretty much full of programming or some other rather easy subjects, I caught up and was better than most people. But what my mother remembers me by is the stupid son that had a hard time in his first year. >I used to thought I am handsome now I realize I am just above avarage Heh, never had this problem. Never had a girlfriend either. The most I "reached" was a hug, I helped her with some stuff, then she went abroad for a year and we met by chance. Still seeing her from time to time, she is pretty much complete opposite of me, loves to party etc. Not really interested in her, but at least she is the only friend that isn't judgmental about everything like others. >I am not good at socializing and I hate myself and pretty much everyone because of it. I socialize with my facade. I'm introverted, I hate massive parties and such. I've been to one or two and I hated it because I found it boring as fuarrrk. I doubt I helped you, but at least I feel better now.

i speak in my sleep when im anxious and stressed my family tells me. i hope its not anything embarrasing.

>>3216 This is a good perspective lainon, I feel the same way about religion, I often describe myself as a political catholic, as opposed to a spiritual catholic, my faith to a growing degree informs my world-view. Because to me it just makes more sense, it gives me a sense of place and permanence in a society that has largely abandoned any notion of 'right' and 'wrong'. It's a way to reclaim the heroic narrative that has largely been abandoned by the west. If you want you can look at it in terms of mathematics wherein you have a set of axioms that are held to be almost 'self evident' and truth is derived from those axioms. The clear analogue in the church is something like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomism which seeks to define divinity and the world in the most basic of terms and from which more advanced 'truths' can be derived. It's funny I used to post on this board all the time, usually malingering about something that seems so trivial now, I feel like I'm doing better, like my life is on track, that there's some sort of destiny that awaits me and that I'm on track to accomplishing it. It's a good feeling. I wish you fortune on your faith journey, don't let anyone tell you that religion is pozzed, there's something out there and your life will be better if you understand that.

>>3204 >just uproot your whole life and move >>3205 >>3206 >>3207 >liking teenagers is pedophilia Jesus Christ, go back to Reddit. You know what there's no excuse for? You thinking you're entitled to decide what relationships other people can have. I thought this was supposed to be the thread where people try to help you with your problems, not the "lol I'm not gonna even try to say anything helpful, just gonna snark at you and not even attempt to refute something you said that I disagree with" thread.

>>3224 Your problem is that you're angry you can't break the law. The solution is to move.

I can't stop setting arbitrary expectations for myself. My self ascribed purpose in life is to die as the best possible version of myself. This means that every fuarrrking task is a moral dilemma where I need to calm myself down if it could ever possibly adversely affect anyone. I'm so tired of living my life. I'd kill myself but that would mean knowingly failing at my goal.

>>3205 >>3206 >>3207 >long, detailed post talking about how someone is sick of having to hide who they are from people who dismiss dissenting views without any rational arguments >response is three zero-effort throwaway posts declaring dissidents mentally ill without any rational arguments Nice job proving everything >>3202 said correct. Every time something like that happens, it makes more people start to think those who believe that way might have a point. Even if you don't agree, it wouldn't hurt to show a little compassion. I'd hoped Lainchan would have better standards than this.

>>3226 I feel it. The best possible version of myself though I see as being the most beautiful, so I don't have the same dilemna of not hurting anybody. Instead its until my skin is perfect, till im considered attractive, and until i've created something so beautiful in writing, or art that I feel I won't do anything better and meaningful. And once im loved as well. I've always wanted to die, the reasons for doing this first is to send the message that the world today kills beauty and love. I don't care if thats cringy or stupid, its genuinely how I feel. Every night I go to sleep and dream of a world thats just horrifying. The weather is erratic, the sky and space looks like cloudy doomsday and everyone including myself is just living and interacting with this soykaf over our heads, knowing we are all about to die and there is nothing to do.

>>3228 I hope that in our journeys towards personal ideals we find happiness along the way.

>promised a friend I would try to be more social in my second year of university >spent a total of 80 bong dollars on the university's golf and film clubs >over a month has passed and I've not heard anything from either of them >now feel guilty for not trying hard enough to be social >tried to contact one of clubs twice to see what's going on or to get refunded >heard nothing >tell my friend it's been a month and I've not been to anything yet >he says I should go to the anime club again >went last years and it was watching soykafty anime for 3 hours and not really talking to anyone >stopped going because I got burned out on anime and just sat alone awkwardly and just generally hated it What should I do? Give some more clubs a look and see if they'll take me in this late in? Wait it out and see if they get back to me? Watch soykafty anime? I feel like I've failed him and myself.

>>3230 The feels from this pic to be honest. Don't go to the anime club, that's almost like saying "I give up" if you're into a social movement find the club for that, if you're into a sport do that club, if you like technology I'm sure there's a club for that as well. Find something in line with your interests and go.

>>3225 >be black in 1860s America >be second-class citizen >don't know the language in countries where blacks aren't second-class citizens >someone tells you to just pick up and move >be in the present and not a hivemind retard who believes media hysteria >someone tells you that anyone in any country should have to put up with laws that infringe on personal freedom >fuarrrking Reddit tards who think they belong on Lainchan going "lol pedo" without even bothering to give any evidence for the completely fuarrrking bullsoykaf mainstream US beliefs This place has seriously gone downhill. The Lainchan of two years ago wouldn't have had responses this stupid.

>>3233 Ive been here two years ago, i'm here now and you comparing those two situations or even getting angry your projection onto the world isnt true is fuarrrking retarded. So nothings changed with me at least.

>>3234 It's a perfectly sensible comparison. Get your special pleading fallacies out of here. Also, in case you haven't noticed, there are a ton of other people in this thread who have similarly pessimistic worldviews, so you might want to take that up with them.

>>3235 The fact is its not. If you want proof here it is: nobody including myself will be able to argue with you, because none of us feel the same way enough to spend hours researching and finding studies that confirm our worldview and look to discredit any study that says otherwise. The minute you say, which you did say "Ive read numerous studies and most saying it has any damage on a young mind are bullsoykaf" you've practically won your argument. Nobody can say anything to you at that point. Its the same sort of soykaf with people who argue alt right conspiracy theories, they spend so much time researching this soykaf and anybody who disagrees is an idiot or not a good source of information. I love living in this day and age. The only true thing you have said so far is that the minute you turn 18 you aren't suddenly not attracted to teemage girls. However around 18 maybe some years after you will reach a point where you don't want to because of an obvious gap in mental maturity. 18 and 16 year olds is fine, maybe even 15. The laws arent draconian though, plenty of people form relationships in highschool, then one turns 18 and the others some years behind and no one is reported and its allowed to continue. Evidently this isn't you, you have such an active interest your willing to pour so much time and risk social ostracization just so you can specifically fuarrrk younger girls. There is so many girls your age, that most people dont give a fuarrrk that the age is 18 because they probably arent looking for higschool girls due to lack of life experience anyways, and thats also not who they surround themselves with. Your big lie your seeing doesnt exist. Of course any girl past puberty is going to be attractive, but people who are mature tend to stick within their age range because ideally that means the other person is in a similar place in life and there is more to connect with. You just want to fuarrrk or are a manchild, you caring so much is what makes it obvious you have a problem. And your likely selfish as well.

>>3236 on top of all this, the age is that number to protect as many people as possible. Its true there is the rare case where a girl has still not mentally or physically matured by then. Its not perfect, lowering it wouldnt make it any more perfect, it just would allow you specifically to pursue relationships you can't at the moment. Thats the only reason you care, you cant do what you want and are acting like a child. Racist laws and segregatiom were not designed to help anyone like age of consent is. If it was lowered to 16 all that would mean is a few more people not ready for adult relationships slipping through the gaps, and a few more people who are being allowed to express themselves. Personally I know no 16 year old who was mature enough for a relationship with a grown man back when I was that age, its fine at 18 by my standards.

>>3236 >The fact is its not. If you want proof here it is: nobody including myself will be able to argue with you, because none of us feel the same way enough to spend hours researching and finding studies that confirm our worldview and look to discredit any study that says otherwise. The minute you say, which you did say "Ive read numerous studies and most saying it has any damage on a young mind are bullsoykaf" you've practically won your argument. Nobody can say anything to you at that point. Its the same sort of soykaf with people who argue alt right conspiracy theories, they spend so much time researching this soykaf and anybody who disagrees is an idiot or not a good source of information. >comparing a liberation struggle to alt-right conspiracy theories >unironically using the "conspiracy theorist" slur in a post-Snowden era straight outta reddit >However around 18 maybe some years after you will reach a point where you don't want to because of an obvious gap in mental maturity. There's absolutely no evidence of this. Most people above about 15 are as mature as they'll ever be. I've seen no substantial differences in maturity between the average high schooler and the average 40-year-old. I have, however, seen a lot of arrogant adults who think they're smarter than they are when they haven't actually made any substantive mental gains over a teenager - like you, for instance. These adult retards tend to be the same ones who think they're entitled to determine other people's maturity level. And even if what you said was true, why wouldn't it then be wrong for an 18-year-old to have sex with a 50-year-old? The point is that once you understand sex intellectually, you're mature enough to engage in it no matter how old the other participant is. >Evidently this isn't you, you have such an active interest your willing to pour so much time and risk social ostracization just so you can specifically fuarrrk younger girls. You don't know anything about me. But what do my reasons matter? The only thing that matters is whether the law is justified or not, which it isn't. >There is so many girls your age, that most people dont give a fuarrrk that the age is 18 because they probably arent looking for higschool girls due to lack of life experience anyways, and thats also not who they surround themselves with. All experience is not created equal. Some experience counts for more than others. Besides, teenage girls are just hotter. >Of course any girl past puberty is going to be attractive, but people who are mature tend to stick within their age range because ideally that means the other person is in a similar place in life and there is more to connect with. What the hell gives you the right to decide what mature people should do? You haven't shown any maturity. >You just want to fuarrrk or are a manchild, you caring so much is what makes it obvious you have a problem. And your likely selfish as well. And here we see the classic tactic of assuming the ability to diagnose someone else's psychology over the internet. Are your standards for judging the maturity of people you've never met just as rigorous and evidence-based as this? I bet they are. >>3237 >on top of all this, the age is that number to protect as many people as possible. >trust the government, it's there to protect you I'd call you a sheeple, but you're too gullible to be lumped in with them. You're cattle. >Its true there is the rare case where a girl has still not mentally or physically matured by then. Its not perfect, lowering it wouldnt make it any more perfect, it just would allow you specifically to pursue relationships you can't at the moment. >rare It's not rare at all. Again, most adults aren't any more mature than teens, they just think they are. >Thats the only reason you care, you cant do what you want and are acting like a child. >anyone who wants freedom is a child Why the fuarrrk are you even on a cyberpunk site? The whole point of a site like this is for people who want freedom. If you think freedom is childish, then as I said before, you should go back to Reddit where the moderators will decide which opinions you're mature enough to read. >Racist laws and segregatiom were not designed to help anyone like age of consent is. Age of consent laws weren't designed to help anyone except ugly old feminists mad that guys like younger girls. >If it was lowered to 16 all that would mean is a few more people not ready for adult relationships slipping through the gaps, and a few more people who are being allowed to express themselves. Again, what gives you the right to decide who's ready? >Personally I know no 16 year old who was mature enough for a relationship with a grown man back when I was that age, its fine at 18 by my standards. What if I decide you're not mature enough to vote? You've done nothing except spew "we have to take your freedoms away because it's what's best for you" big government crap. You're obviously too stupid to make decisions for yourself.

This isn't the place for this conversation. Take it somewhere else.

>>3239 Fine. I came in here to vent and instead of anyone even offering to help I get some thoughtless burgerclap normalsoykaf morons spouting government propaganda and someone telling me to just move. There's a thread for this: >>>/r/5694, so if they like, we can go there and they can have all their illusions of being an authority on maturity destroyed in exquisite detail. I didn't come here to argue, though. A simple "damn man, I know it must be tough being you, here are some practical things you can try to make it easier on yourself" would have been nice, but I guess that's too much to ask for in the age of idiots who call anyone who disagrees with the mainstream a conspiracy theorist.

I'm completely alone in this universe. I don't know how long I can handle this. I ponder killing myself everyday.

>>3241 no bruv you have us here

>>3240 No one takes you seriously using language like burgerclap and telling people to go back to reddit. You really aren't doing yourself any favors. Plus nobody is going to show you any sympathy when you start off your post with "anybody who disagrees with me is a mainstream idiot just pretending". You replied to my post with a bunch of "who says". I say. I hate you less for liking teenage girls and more for assuming I do too. Teenage girls in my mind are immature and annoying. Speak for yourself and il take you seriously, assuming society just has some undiscussed problem because it doesnt agree with you is, im sorry, conspiracy nonsense. I have had thoughts worse than pedophilia, so for you to think I just am too mainstream and are unaccepting of your radical worldview also makes me angry, the fact is I just dont agree. I do not have an interest in fuarrrking teenage girls. I don't think its worth even pursuing because it would lead to more harm than good lowering the age of consent. Im allowed to think that, you can't tell me what I think or that im brainwashed. Thats you thinking everyone else is like that, not reality.

>>3243 >>3240 >>3238 Also my post was telling you why no one is going to bother arguing with you, you call me cattle for not seeing how dumb and blind i am for following the government like a little sheep. I think your an idiot because you completely lack any metacognition and just use buzzwords like they mean something, and are unable to take a step back and look at what your saying or doing. What if I said your a sheep as well, you are designed to distract from any legitimate libertarian anti government beliefs by appearing as a crazed pedophile, who thinks the age of consent was put in place by old feminists. And you use language of somebody way too deep into the internet to realize how far gone you are. Damn, this guy must be insane, why is everyone who hates the government fuarrrking insane. Have you ever considered that? Maybe people really do not fuarrrking agree with you, no not even deep down, not even after "government propaganda" and you are just causing me to associate anybody who starts talking about libertarian ideals with pedophiles. Hell or maybe its the other way around and theres campaigns to attract pedophiles to these sorts of beliefs to deligitimize them. you also didn't cite any studies just said no your wrong its actually like this. Though I don't doubt you could pull 50 studies out of your ass I don't have the time to do background checks on. Sadly you are the only expert here on age of consent as I said, and you are very fuarrrking biased. All I know is I personally don't agree with you, but hell maybe im weird. Everyone really does secretly want to bang teenagers except for me. soykaf.

>>3243 >>3245 Take it to the other thread. >>3236 >I love living in this day and age. Not to go into any of the rest of this, but if you love the modern age, why are you here? Most people in this thread seem to be here because they hate modernity and think it's ruining the world.

>>3243 >>3245 I've issued a response to this in >>>/r/5694. Now I'm going to clear the way for other people who have problems to talk about them, because unlike you I actually fuarrrking give a soykaf when someone innocent is suffering.

>>3246 i was being sarcastic. i was saying that because in this day and age there is so much information i can't have a logical argument with this poster anymore. I could read up all about this soykaf, but even if I did he would just point to his sources that say different than my sources. Plus if I were to read up for every internet argument I get into I would waste so much time each day. Everyone has their subjective truth nowadays.

>>3247 thanks and sorry.

>>3242 Thank you, lain.

>>3241 If it's of any consolation, things usually end up okay. Things may not be great, but they also probably might not be horrible. Everything alright, lain?

>>3250 Yeah hang in there, things can get better, i know how yo ufeel first hand.

I feel like I'm swinging back and forth between incredible, suicidal depression and feeling pretty good about who I am. I can't tell if I'm just putting up a better fight some days or if this is like, idk bi-polar stuff.

>>3254 Do you have a job or do you study something ? I feel horrible on days where I'm unproductive/have too much free time.

>>3256 I have a job, but I really hate it. I hate going in every single day. I took today off just so I wouldn't have to go in. I've been thinking about moving to a completely different city to get a totally new job, but I literally just re-signed my lease for my apartment so I can't for at least a year I think I'm the same though, when I have nothing going on I start to feel a like really bad feeling in my chest, and I just have to try my hardest to distract myself, but when I'm alone it's hard. I've gotten really used to being kinda social over the last year, but that's really dried up now that my roommate has a girlfriend. I'm realizing how much of my social circle is just "friends of my roommate" and it feels like soykaf.

whoah hey you met another girl you kinda like, maybe this time you wont spend a stupid amount of time making up cute romantic situations in your head? haha, nope. you barely can summon enough motivation to finish your schoolwork, much less work on the hobbies you've been saying you'd put more time into months ago, what makes you think you can manage a relationship? can we not turn this into another stupid game of obsession? but she's cute and she likes metal gear and she's into playing music and she seemed kinda interested in me like auwhiduawho fuarrrk one part of me really wants to ask her out but there's another part of me that says I'm still not ready for a relationship and I'm reading attraction from simple friendliness. I don't know which part is right

>>3187 I'ts me again. I went on a date with this girl however I'm not sure where we at. We watched a movie at the cinema and later went to tearoom (we both like tea) and we kissed at the and but it wasn't like before. She still said that she doesn't know if she wants a relationship. She also asked me if I want to go with her in a couple of days to the university in another city to attend some lectures (we are on the same year at PhD) but I am afraid I will end up in friendzone as usual and she's playing wih me. I can't say if those doubts are legit or it's just my anxiety and lack of experience. We know each other for couple of years so I hope she's at least a little honest with me but I know from the past that you can expect the worst from the others. But again maybe it's just my paranoia because the people I'm around right now seems to be really ok. I'm not even sure anymore what are my feeling towards her. I know only that I like her, I like talking and being around her and that I'm tired of being always alone but I'm not sure if I am able to build and maintain a relationship. 2-3 weeks ago I felt like in love, not it's not that strong anymore. Is it worth trying if it's uncertain and unclear? I am afraid that I will assume something wrong and do something stupid, either be a beta friendzone or loose a chance for something. In the past I thought that when I will change my environment everything will get better but all those things from back then are still in my head and I am not able to trust anyone, at least not that fast, even despite the fact that now eveybody around me are good to me

>>3268 If you enjoy talking with each other but neither of you feel strongly enough to pursue a relationship, it doesn't hurt to keep them as a friend. Don't buy into "beta" vs "alpha" soykaf, none of it actually matters.

>>3269 I guess we will be friends anyway. My main concern is that I am afraid about another lost opportunity and I am not sure how hard should I try and when just let go. Some of the couples I know didn't really get along at the beginning but now are still together and happy, the others were great but soon after everything collapsed. I am the guy who constantly analyzes everything and tries to predict the chances but on the field of contacts with others I usually fail at those predictions. Of course it's because everybody is different and has a different approach to those things but still, without thinking and analying I feel like in complete darkness, even if I know it changes very little.

I am 24. I restarted my life this year and I'm working on things that may be my ticket out of a boring adult life. But, I don't know if I will make it. Suicide seems really close on Molly. I start laughing and crying about pathetic and useless I am while feeling really close emotionally to everyone else, the complete opposite of normal cold and calculated me. I just feel really good about the idea and I really want to do it in those moments. I like the romantic element it has too. I heard you just feel a bit warm before passing out when you slice your carotid open. Girls don't like me. I have spent half my life wishing for a girlfriend daily. I think I have no more patience. It really did me in. There's a bunch of other stuff as well but you have better things to do.

>>3272 While you have more experience in life than me I have come to the insight that the first step to getting a gf is to not want a gf. Desperation and thirst are not attractive traits and especially not with low self-esteem. I might be wrong though, haven't had any luck so far either.

>>3274 other lainon here. I see your point and I guess you're mayby right but what about situations when some girl could be interested but seeing you not care or at least pretending to not care she lost her interest too. Cause why bother if he doesn't? Where is the line between being desperate and showing your interest? I was always worried that I will be seen as desperate so I usually did nothing and it didn't end well. Also some girls must get attention, at least at the beginning and later they get more normal

>>3275 unless you have a really good poker face, she can tell.

Just your average depression after light drinking, how I'm probably going to end up alone for the rest of my life. How I never felt being loved and never loved someone. How I don't know feeling of a genuine hug.

>>3274 This And even though you might not like it and heard the advice a thousand times "just be yourself". I was myself and a girl sensed the confidence I had with me being me. Just me being a goofy nice idiot I am and she liked me. Now I get tons of strange every nite bruh

>>3272 Why fantasize about suicide if you have just gone through a "restart" ? Sounds like you didn't restart enough. >There's a bunch of other stuff as well but you have better things to do. Don't talk about it like that. One thing at a time. >>3279 What else is going on in your life ? You seem to focus on what's going wrong. The grass is always greener on the other side.

>>3282 >What else is going on in your life ? Hmmm, I got bachelors degree relatively recently in computer science, my whole family accepted it like I finished some random year in elementary school, didn't even get one fuarrrking "congratulations". I'm pursuing masters degree, ended up doing most of the "team projects" by myself, not that I have a choice if I don't want to fail. Focusing on my studies as much as I can take. Other than this, I end up playing some relatively obscure eroge games, that's what's keeps me going I guess, even if it sounds pathetic. It probably is. I rarely drink, but when I do, I end up being much more depressed.

>>3283 Well you can't let other people affect you like that, the hard part is finding self motivation. Remember lots of people never have the support of their families, its a great thing to have but you have to not rely on that to motivate you if it doesn't exist. I struggle with motivating myself even to get out of bed but something thats helped me although its a risky mindset to have is looking at life as one of two black and white options. I can either just sort of sit around do the bare minimum live and die, just be a cog in the machine and decide in this life I have nothing to live for and am too fuarrrked to bother striving for anything big. There isnt anything wrong with that if it doesnt sound bad to you. Or I can just go hard, not give a fuarrrk what anyone thinks and do my own thing and hope that whatever im working towards, the ultimate me I guess, is accepted by society and if it isn't at least I tried my hardest. If everyone did the latter society would probably be screwed but its probably the only way I can live. my friend is a drug dealer. hes probably gonna get caught, but the thing is everything he does including the day he gets caught was his decisions and people including me will have crazy stories to tell about him. Even though most people see him as crazy unstable and maybe a bit of a tweaker hes subjected me to some terrible and great situations but all of them were interesting. His life isnt mine or what I want to be, but its that kind of thing I see and I really admire and what led me to this. Or one of my other friends is this kid I always saw as kind of dumb and legitimately autistic. He comes off as your typical cs kid who wants to do a startup and be a motivational youtube personality and crap. Yet hes just been doing his thing, and I thought he would fail and he might in the long run but hes overall a sweet person and has garnered numerous friends including me who support him regardless and its kind of neat to see. On the other hand people i know like my mom and my gf atm take the other route, and thats fine too. im failing two classes right now, I changed majors to something probably useless. I might be fuarrrked, but I learned stuff in the process I wouldn't have ever known had I just spennt my time studying and not fuarrrking up. I can't regret anything I did. i'm also sorry you are lonely and have never felt a genuine hug as you say. It was only last year I did, and it really changed everything for me. One person just took an interest in me even though I was a total loser and ugly and really changed me. When she left because I had so many problems I knew what those problems were finally and I wanted to get better. I hope somebody shows you that same love so you know what you are looking for. Some dumb advice I guess is to keep your mind open, you might be surprised to find people you had no interest in really have a lot of insight for you and can really change everything. And put yourself out there, even if you really do just suck you will never know how to be a better more loveable person without fuarrrking up. And if you don't somebody will see you. also take care of yourself. if you think your ugly and so you shouldn't even try please don't think that. Lots of people considered attractive honestly look really funny but because they take really good care of themselves and found a style that suits them it just comes off as a strange kind of attractive instead of "ugly". I don't know how much of this advice applies to you or is even helpful but its things I know that would have helped me back when I thought im gonna die alone and im unloveable and would just cry every night and I hope it helps you too.

>>3282 As much of a restart as humanely possible. And I did make a fair bit of progress. But relative to the bigger picture, it's not nearly enough. I've been trying to change my personality since I was 12 and I'm still the same. I can change my habits, work hard and achieve a lot, but the way I am as a person can not be touched. I only say this after going to great lengths, everything short of a lobotomy to try and recreate myself. I will not accept this me, because it's repulsive and should be destroyed. Yeah and I'm not even a downer or a doormat. I just know people can sense my low self-worth despite a demeanor that would suggest otherwise. To answer your question, it's that there are too many bad things in the past that cannot be changed, and too many bad things in the future that cannot be changed, and the future things are going to get worse, objectively speaking.

>>3284 >Well you can't let other people affect you like that, the hard part is finding self motivation. Remember lots of people never have the support of their families, its a great thing to have but you have to not rely on that to motivate you if it doesn't exist. If my family was torn, my mother was on drugs or something, then I wouldn't have hopes for that. I have had strangers on the train on my way home congratulating me that day, not my family. It just felt crazily out of place, but I obviously didn't mention it. For the black/white discussion, I don't see it as either/or, but I'm doing my best to be as close to white as possible. Be it elections, or the team project stuff, I'm not looking at it selfishly, I rather take the "don't harm yourself or the others" path. I don't like people that constantly think about money, and while I respect their value, I can't respect people that disregard hobbies and even having a job they like dropped for a horrible job that they hate, but hey, it pays like 100 cents an hour more! I might place these ideals on other people too, which is probably wrong. It might be the reason why it hurts so much, seeing my family talking about who slept with who with people they never met in person but failing to acknowledge that I achieved something. I obviously realize that there are people in war-torn countries hoping that they will wake up tomorrow, but while I very much sympathize, it doesn't make me feel better. >i'm also sorry you are lonely You don't have to be, it's partly my family, partly myself. I do appreciate the sentiment. >Some dumb advice I guess is to keep your mind open, you might be surprised to find people you had no interest in really have a lot of insight for you and can really change everything I realize it can, but it's just not happening on university grounds I think, with like 30:1 male/female ratio. I'm introverted, I hate going to clubs and parties and I doubt I would find somebody there with whom I would have a good time (as in good conversation/romantic interest). I have and had female friends, which none of them ever suggested they have interest in me and the other way as well. I don't want for it to look like I'm boasting, but it just felt like I'm talking with somebody 10 years younger than me, even when I was 15-18. Maybe I'm too full of myself, maybe I grew up too soon for my own good. I doubt I can objectively tell what it was. I very much doubt that I would find somebody in the industry, it would be the same ratio as university anyway, if not even worse. Other than this, meeting somebody "in the wild" is pretty much impossible here, if clubs/parties are out of the question. >also take care of yourself I'm not a total mess, if you think that. Neither am I one of my roommates, who rushes to work without even brushing his teeth, and no, he really doesn't need money that desperately. He has a girlfriend, but I don't really like neither of them too much. All they think/talk about is getting money, thinking how to spend least money possible and just money money money. That's me and my ideals, of course I don't confront them. It's not going to change anything for me or for them, it would just pointlessly stir soykaf. >I don't know how much of this advice applies to you or is even helpful but its things I know that would have helped me back when I thought im gonna die alone and im unloveable and would just cry every night and I hope it helps you too. I appreciate that you even took time to write it all down, it feels better for me to write it down as well, at least I can kind of see my thoughts and reorder them in my head and maybe I can come up with something. Pic is also very much related. I've see almost all of it by chance very recently and most of the stuff was kind of description of myself. My family is mine by blood, but it doesn't feel that way. Other than this, putting unreasonable ideals on myself and the others, having a dark side of myself pushed very much back (at least for now), expectations, being knowledgeable... Everything fits.

I'm in my 20's been in my first relationship for about 2 months now.She's a super awesome tech/sec girl. Thought I was going to be alone for ever :( but now I feel like I'm inexperienced. like shes kinda wants a lot of time to herself. but we get together at least once a day and see each other during class. we always click and and have a good time when were together but I just want to be around her like ALL THE TIME. I don't have many other friends on campus and have kinda just adopted her friends.

>>3292 This is pretty anecdotal as I'll talk solely based from my experiences with my ex. We were both pretty isolated - maybe that doesn't apply to you - and we'd do everything together: films,series,games, etc. But I was way younger, complacent and had some kind of dependency on him(mostly to do the 'social stuff' for me as I used to be shy). Thing is, he didn't want any other friends. I was everything for him, I was his support, worked with him, lived, watched and did everything together. At the time I didn't notice how the lack of 'me' time was killing our relationship, and having to be there for him for everything simply because he didn't want to "waste" his time with friends, doing his own things alone plus dumping everything on top of me ended drowning me. So be careful not to need the person for everything, she also has a life of her own. Some people feel guilty for asking time for themselves - try to respect that if possible, don't make her feel bad for wanting it. Well, you know ... moderation in all things. But do sort this out between yourselves - communication is key to healthy relationships.

The other day my partner invited some of their friends over to play some card games and meet me for the first time. I have extreme social anxiety around new people to the point where I'll vomit, so I was a bit nervous. 7 people showed up, which my partner didn't expect and we all played together. I didn't know how to play the game, or what to talk about to these people or I should have even spoke a word. They all seemed to get along effortlessly, and I was the black sheep. I was feeling anxious, shaky and dizzy at this point so I went to the bathroom and texted my partner that I didn't feel so well and that I was having a panic attack. They just told me to go lay down in the bedroom. At this point I was starting to cry and have invasive thoughts of self harm and eventually while my partner and their friends were still talking in the living room, I sliced up my wrist. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. I promised myself not to drag my partner into my mental illness. I made them cry when they came to check on me after everyone left. They haven't cried in 5 years. I wish I wasn't a piece of soykaf.

>>3288 Have you tried Psychocybernetics? It addresses the self-image as a core mechanic.

How do I deal with anxiety? I want it to go away

>>3297 Breathe deeply and tell yourself it's not real

My life is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Why I cannot be healthy as normal people but always have some problems. Now I got some infection on my penis that doesn't want to go away despite treatment so I must go now to the labolatory for some additional examinations. Of course it cannot be in some normal place, no it has to be on my penis so it would be hard for me to talk about it and show it to doctors. And the doctor said that if the results wil be bad I might have to go to the hospital for couple of days. fuarrrk my life. And things like that always happens when I think that finally it gets better. Lately I met a girl and we started to meet and bam! penis infection. I just want to know why it alwas happens to me? I eat decent food, I don't spend all days on chair or in bed, I try to do everything in healthy way. Does the universe hates me? Makes fun of me this way? Because I'm not laughing

>>3297 Cigarettes, alcohol, weed. But its expensive, drains your health and will fuarrrk you up in the long run. Worked for me and i couldnt even walk out the door. Your choice, beware of unexpected consequences.

>>3283 Any hobbies that could distract you a bit, once this hot phase is over ? It seems like you aren't getting the enjoyment you deserve. >>3288 I guess I can't argue against you. It's sad to hear that you had to go such a long way, only for it to be disappointing in the end. I heard people are a product of their environment, so changing that might help. Though it sounds like you have already tried that. >>3297 Think about the worst consequence that could arise, then realize that even that doesn't matter. Fumbled your words while talking to the cashier ? Don't matter. Drove your car and almost crashed ? Don't matter. Even the freaking little things like not being able to pee while standing. Try it. What's the worst that could happen ? And how much is that really going to matter. As it is right now, you're already living in a worse world than in any of those outcomes, by holding yourself back. I hope I could help you.

>>3297 Rocking your torso forward and backward like a mentally handicapped kid from rural Ukranian psych ward helps me. It reminds me of the times my mother used to rock me to go to sleep when I was just a small baby. Feels nice.

i lost my virginity to a prostitute and coulnt stay hard LOL that made me think. maybe the reason was a mix between being nervous, wearing a condom, being a smoker and addicted to porn. i will try to cut down on porn

>>3306 Its jacking off. Honestly just stopping like 3 days prior to sex works I don't ever lose erections but I can't cum while having sex unless I do the above. I had a friend who had same issue and quit smoking then was still having it and for him it was also just jacking off. Not even necessarily porn, the fact is you give yourself the best handjobs.

I am ashamed of the most random things I bought a coat that's too big for me yesterday and it was a big effort to walk it past my roommates to my room. I will return it when I work up the courage. I am very stressed but it is purely because I can't let go and enjoy myself.

>>3309 i suspected that that would be the case. thanks

I stopped going to the orgies. It was a lot of fun but it's just a distraction really. I have my goals and they're not being achieved spending all my time with meaningless fuarrrking. There's still a voice in the back of my head telling me I just threw away a great thing but I do think this is for the best. Sex is great but it's not making me happy.

>>3313 Make sure it's within the return period. I'm curious, why do you feel ashamed about this?

>>3313 i used to feel embarrased and ashamed of things, then i realised that most of it is bullsoykaf and you should just ignore it.

>>3317 fuarrrk if I know

I'll share some of my fears with you guys. I started university last semester and although it's going well, I feel dreadful. Last year when I was still in HS and it all came to a close, I realized how fast my days pass, in what a slumber I was in the last 4 years (espescially considering how fast it went by) I tried explaining why that was so to myself and I came to the conclusion that it was my own fault, I had nothing to be passionate about. My days followed the same scheme: >go to school >school >go home >do homework >go to the computer >play games or waste away on imageboards I countered that by starting to read more and write a diary (and a dream diary too). It helped a lot actually but I still felt like I need to produce something valuable in my free time. I still had no skills in any creative endeavor like drawing or writing so I wanted to change that. One year forward, I'm in Uni and the days pass by so quickly. I don't feel alive when remembering the last few days. I don't dream anymore and there was nothing that could be called gaining experience or making progress (aside from studying). Well now it itches in the back of my head that I should start producing things, like make a game or learn how to art. I'm just very uncertain as to how, my days are packed with courses and homework. I might make a 'plan', put in half an hour of art everyday, either in the morning or evening. Has anyone else felt as if your days don't matter if you do nothing? As if everything just passes by without you interacting? It's nice to formulate these thoughts, even if they're full of errors.

>>3323 I feel the same as you. When I look back and see how I wasted all those years I feel overwhelmed. I can't stand the thought that I spend my best years on playing games or browsing internet, especially that today games don't give me any fun anymore and I stopped playing completely. This time will never come back and now days are passing so fast tha I feel lost. The worst thing is that I really want to chenge something in my lie but don;t really know how. Right now I'm on PhD programme and it gives me a lot of joy but perspectives to work after are rather small so I still feel like I'm wasting time. I look at other people and they constantly are doing something and envy them their energy. But I also agree with you that writing a diary helps a lot. I was really surprised how much something so simple helped me with depression and anxiety so I recommend it to everyone of you

failing a semester for the first time, my friends don't care about me or anything I do, the girl im seeing probably doesn't even give a soykaf about me or want to see me anymore, i dont have the motivation even to brush my teeth at night, i lost all my paint pens, a different girl i kind of like apparently doesnt trust me. in the past crying about being lonely every night was familiar, I could handle that. Just play videogames and jack off all day, not give a soykaf about my appearance. Now im obsessive about my appearance. I wanna fuarrrking cry every time at night I hear my phone buzz and think its this girl and its just a friend sending me some stupid soykaf but i reach for that thing so fast its so pathetic. She doesnt give a fuarrrk about me im just another person she probably gets dick from. Nobody else cares either, I care that people don't care but its whatever. Im not gonna cry about it, nor do I think this world would be "better off without me". Im just upset nobody fuarrrking cares, its frustrating. I really do try to just grow as a person so that maybe in my growth people will care about and for me but nobody does. The only times ive felt somebody care about me it was shortlived and just an illusion. Obviously I was born to just be disliked, and my self growth is just filling this role further. Recently a few people have told me "your actually really attractive now, you probably turn some heads", that makes me feel fuarrrking worse Its like sick im attractive but apparently something about the way I behave or walk or talk just makes people hate me. I cant even blame it on being ugly thats what I used to do. Damn im just ugly, honestly I do think I am deep down. I hate my voice, i hate looking at myself, i hate that im failing my classes right now, i hate the soykaf i say, i hate the soykaf i don't. I don't hate myself but I hate most things about me. In an art class, the only one im passing because im a lazy piece of soykaf whos unnapreciative of this college oppurtunity, we had to draw ourselves and as I was drawing mine I literally wanted to just beat the soykaf out of the drawing of myself. I often look at people and think "that is a person I dont like and they have a puncheable face" and i thought that about the asshole looking at me in my drawing. i hope i just dont wake up tommorow. or that I could dream for an eternity and figure this out, or wake up and find out this was all a dream.

>>3328 I'm you. I also didn't care about my appearance in the past and didin't care that I'm alone. I was fine with it. But for the last couple of years, after I went to the university, met some new people and saw that maybe I'm not a complete mess as I always thought I started to care and I don;t want to be alone anymore. I also started to seeing a girl and also think that she doesn't really care about me. Now I don;t know which was better, when I was alone but didn;t care or now when I have some friends but care even too much which makes me miserable. Caring seems to be ok because it gives you some goal and meaning but sometimes it's just too hard for me to deal with reality. However I feel that now I am not able to be again who I was before, and I don;t really want it either. Somehow I despise myself for who I was in the past, I want to have some normal social life but my poor social skill makes it unable to achieve. The worst thing is that I was with a girl who cared about me and made me happy but I blew it because I was too afraid and thought also "hey, if I could get her, I can get someone even better". She wasn't ideally in my type however I trusted her and she made me feel comfortable. I wasn't stressted during sex, even if something did not worked out and that was very important for me, we had great talks and I felt pretty good for the first time. Now we are still very good friends and she's the only one I can talk about my problems really but she got a boyfriend and she's happy with him so I know that it's over for me. As usual I stayed alone, still on the search of someone "good enough" but I am afraid I will never find anyone like her again. Why do I always have to do something I will later regret and apparently sabotage my own life? The girl I'm meeting now is great, beautiful and smart however I know I will never get from her what I got earlier yet I still fool myself that maybe I will, just have to try harder. I still can't forgive myself the things I lost because of my own actions. It looks that subconsciously I destroy everything good in my life to stay in depression, be miserable and sad so I could complain how life is like kicking dead whales down the beach and everybody hates me

>>3329 Poster you replied to and you really are almost the same because before this girl I too had a girl that really cared for me and was who made me start shaping up and cleaning myself up and working on my problems. She just dipped though, I hate her now but I still respect everything she taught me. Its true though, depression and sadness is comfortable if its what your used to. Since I began struggling against it i know when im consciously doing it, but its burned into my subconscious too. Its hard to see though, and then it starts to get hard to tell when I should be sad and when im overreacting and destroying myself, and that can make me flat trying to control things.

I failed my driving test again. That's four times now. I was very close and my instructor said I probably could have passed with a different examiner. Nonetheless I feel awful for wasting 250 bong dollars in tests alone and even more on lessons. My father seemed to be quite angry that I failed, and said I wouldn't have if I worse a suit. That just made me feel worse.

>>3323 to be honest I feel the same way but I actually enjoy doing my studies and learning more than I ever did programming. I think I'll probably dedicate my life to academia, it's comfortable to me and I'm apparently good at it. Wish I had more time to be outdoors though.

>>3332 What are you actually failing on? I kept my score sheet when I passed, do you keep it if you fail? The instructor claimed I didn't check my far left blind spot but on my last chance to check he said I did so I was close to failing for something as dumb as not over exaggerating my movements for them to easily see and mark. Don't worry though, I'd pay that much to drive. It's such a liberator. You'll feel good when you get it trust.

>>3332 Driving tests are so intense, you'll get it next time. Don't dwell on the "wasted" money. Your parents probably blew that amount on stupid soykaf in the last month, by accident.

>>3332 People who take longer generally make better drivers eventually. People who pass the first time (usually just barely) are almost guaranteed to have multiple accidents in their first few years. Whatever thing you keep missing, when you do get it, you'll have practised the others so many times you'll be an expert.

This life is a nightmare. All women deserve to die. Society must be destroyed. The overwhelming majority of my issues are caused by my integration within society, and by women. My loneliness, alienation, all of these have been furthered by my disconnect to the hivemind. I do not have the same mentality, I am ugly, I am nonwhite, these all single me out. From the moment I was born, I was ostracized, and it only gets worse with time. Kissless handholdless virgin. Women despise me, refuse to have sex with me. This is their admission that I am not human in their eyes. Women have sex with male humans, as they have a desire to propagate the species. If a woman will not have sex with you, she fundamentally views you as a genetic dead end. No sex means that you are not human. I can't deal with going outside. I recently quit my first job because I can't deal with social interaction. Broke down crying every night. The women there were evil, always made a point to single me out. Because I am ugly. Going insane. My mind is scattered. Can't think. End this world.

>>3337 Try dating women who are ugly and non-white like you then. > No sex means that you are not human. Some of the great thinkers of history were celibate, in some cases but not all, because they were monks. Become a monk.

>>3340 Uh, ugly nonwhite women want hot white chads, and they get them too. Regardless, I don't want to date. Sex moght be nice, but it's really their desire that I care about. Being desired means being human. I don't want to talk to them at all Regardless of how great their minds may have been, they were still genetic dead ends. This means that they were not human.

>>3342 > Uh, ugly nonwhite women want hot white chads, and they get them too. Simple math dictates that there are some that aren't getting it. They are probably as miserable and unlikeable as yourself though. > they were still genetic dead ends. This means that they were not human LOL. There is a difference between choosing celibacy to avoid distraction from higher pursuits and being a genetic throwaway. Which are you, boy?

>>3337 dont bring your soykaff from /r/incels to here

>>3347 I had to look that up. Kids these days and their slang, it changes too fast for me. Anyway... what a sad bunch. If I was that desperate I'd just give up and move on to some other aspirations in life.

>>3337 >>3342 I really hope this is a satire of Elliot and not genuine posts.

>>3349 There's so much about this phenomenon I don't get. All this > hurrr wimmins wont daet me cos am ugly amirite <= and this guy is the king of the permavirgins? He's not ugly, he's kinda handsome. Something tells me there's another reason women steered clear of him.

>>3350 (forgot the damn pic as usual)

>>3350 it's social anxiety. don't make fun of it. it's a terrible condition and it produces these kind of intrusive thoughts.

>>3350 >there's another reason women steered clear of him. He just never asked any girl out properly. From what I understand, he thought that by not offering themselves to him, women were rejecting him ; being already rejected it was obviously pointless to offer himself to anyone. >>3352 It sure is terrible, though I don't think it's an excuse to be a piece of soykaf. I'm as much of a permavirgin as anyone on /r9k/, but I don't hate women for it. Being called out is in my opinion the best thing that can happen to this kind of guy. Gives them a chance to reevaluate their ideas.

>>3352 All I really said was I didn't get it. If it's a thought spiral caused by anxiety, there are ways to treat that. If I went out and murdered someone because the voices in my head ordered me to, that's not a very good excuse in my opinion. The burden should have be on me to get help before that (I emphasize should, regardless of what actually happens in a court of law or a therapist's office). This Elliot nerd murdered people too as I just discovered (never heard of him before now).

>>3353 no it doesn't. that's just you trying to eliminate your vicarious embarrassment. the best thing you can do is suggest they talk to a therapist. >>3354 not defending elliot, sorry.

>>3353 "Calling me out for it" is only more likely to make me do something rash. Would suggest that you shut the fuarrrk up with your delusional nonsense. Yeah, I hate women, for good reason.

>>3344 I am a genetic throwaway. I never had an option from the moment I was born. Doomed because of my genes.

>>3357 Gonna consider you a troll and get out of here. Calling me delusional after your post is to outrageous to be credible. If not, and if you want things to change, better go to a therapist as Bob said. Or just wallow in your misery for all I care.

I choked in an exam yesterday. Despite having mastered pretty much all the materials for the course, once I was looking at the sheet of paper my mind went blank. I couldn't recognise a simple M/M/∞ queue when it was staring at me in the face, and I felt like it was taking twice as long to complete every question as it should have. Literally the moment I left the room, it all flooded in, and everything seemed so obvious. I could instantly see in my head, every step of the answer to every question I missed. Obviously I know that I know this stuff, and I shouldn't need external validation ... but I was so psyched to get straight As this semester and now I'll be lucky to get a B for this subject ...

>>3358 Sounds like the problem is you then, and these females are (subconsciously, instinctually) just preserving the gene pool for future generations. Not even trolling, this is the conclusion you should come to according to your own rationale, if you followed it all the way at least. There's always escorts. They don't care how ugly or retarded you are as long as you pay. Hell they'll even do roleplaying and tell you how you're a specimen of masculine beauty.

>>3360 Christ, I hated school and exams... usually because I legit did not know the material though. The worst was seeing questions on a test and not even realizing the night before that it was in the required curriculum. > spelled curriculum right without cheating tho > feelsgoodman

>>3361 But the thing is, why should I allow such creatures to remain, when I have been left to rot? If anything, the only option for me is to remove those who are enemies of my existence.

>>3363 do you want help or do you want me to indulge your idea that women are evil non humans. they are mutually exclusive and im fine with doing either, I just want to know how much you care about yourself first.

>>3363 You admitted being a genetic throwaway. No one is taking anything from you that you already had, they're just not giving you one thing (sex). Whatcha gonna, wipe out 52% of the hhuman species?

>>3364 also for the record im not anyone in this thread making fun of you or calling you an idiot.

>>3366 No one really did those, not much. One Lain thought his post was so over the top it must be a parody of that Elliot guy.

>>3365 I wish I had the means to. I would nuke the entire face of this planet if I could. >>3364 Indulge my idea. I don't want to hear anymore delusional nonsense.

>>3368 Good job... you had us all going for a while. I feel like such an amateur suddenly..