Let it all out #3

Last thread at limit Tell us how things are going lainon. You can be honest here, just vent and let it all out.

My suicidal thoughts have become very intense. I think I've had a couple anxiety attacks but I'm not sure. I've never seen a therapist or whatever and don't plan on it. They can't help people. I really wish they could because I feel so very alone and holding everything inside and pretending I'm fine hurts so much and is so difficult

>>1833 You've got to find someone you can stop pretending in front of, even if it's just us

>>1833 Just curious, what do you do in life? What are you plans for the future? What's triggering the anxiety?

The floor of my mind fell out recently and I've been in and out of the mental hospital. We take our security in our own minds for granted but the sheer number of ways the mind can fuarrrk up is staggering. My mind was all over the place in a frightening ride to hell. I'm back to my old self now, but I feel like I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean with 4km of darkness below. I really feel like nobody else could understand what I've been through.

Smoking is not moe and Maki shouldn't be doing it.

I feel really good about my life today. I got off work (night shift job that I don't dislike) and am just listening to reggae while browsing this and other sites. When I walked out of work the air was rainy and crisp and hinted that Autumn is around the corner. Super comfy. I have this amazing feeling that everything will work out for me. I struggled pretty hard accepting that my life is really just an endless search for cool hobbies and ways to avoid responsibility and having accepted that makes me feel optimistic and at peace.

>>1838 I'm glad to hear things are feeling good for you anon. We should cherish those times where we feel good, they're like gifts.

I wish I didn't have to occupy a body

>>1834 Here I feel like I can to a degree. Real world though is the other 99% of the time, so it's rough >>1835 The anxiety is coming from a just overall dissatisfaction with every facet of my life. Worried a lot about my future, I'm afraid I'll never amount to anything in any aspect of anything. Everything I attempt to do is met with failure. Of my peers I have the worst and worst-paying job, I have no girlfriend and the girl I thought I had a chance with started dating my already successful and happy friend instead, I have no interesting hobbies and everything I try to do I am mediocre at. All of this and I'm growing tired of how everyone mocks me incessantly. Maybe it's just the world these days but I feel like everyone just insults me all day long and that I'm a punching bag for people to make fun of and laugh about. No matter where I go people make fun of me. I just laugh with them because I don't know what to do and that makes them think it's okay so they do it more. I feel like it's just getting too much, when they do it, I just feel so angry and dissatisfied because they just put me down and make fun of my flaws and I just want to get better and be better at life so people won't make fun of me, I just want people to think that I'm smart or successful or talented, something besides "the guy who's funny sometimes" It just feels like my options are be alive for 40-50 more years and be upset, alone, and mediocre till the day I die, or just call it all off now and finish my life while I'm at least young

Im having a terrible time getting up. I have no pressing need to at the moment, but even during college id make excuses all the time to sleep in. The night before il be thinking and wanting so hard to get up at a good time in the morning, then come morning its like im a new person who just wants to sleep all day and I wont get up till 2 sometimes. Its one area of my life I dont feel in control of, and I want to. I dont know how to force myself up when im in that morning haze of just wanting to sleep.

i quit work. i just didn't go in one day. they called a few times. i had a panic attack and haven't left my apartment for anything but necessities in about 4 months. it's been +2 months since i talked to another person for more than 5 minutes. it was my mum. i tried telling her about my mental health issues and she reacted like i was telling her i had a cold. she is the only person who i know; i don't have any friends or other people. i am really bad at making friends. i'm usually afraid to even just go outside i'm worried i'm going to hurt myself. i no longer feel in control of my life. i'm overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. i'm worried that i have some kind of serious mental disorder. i can't focus or remember stuff. i can't eat can't sleep at night it feels like something is going to kill me. keep having dark dreams i woke myself up yelling in my sleep :( i tried telling my doctor. he gave me xanax and the number of a psych who never returned my calls trying to set up an appointment. i ran out of pills and no refills. i dont have a phone anymore to call him and schedule another appointment. my car wont start to drive to the clinic and check in for crisis help. i 'm also worried if i go to a psych and tell them about my life and interests in infosec they'll assume i'm an criminal and i'll be imprisoned and my home raided (i'm not a criminal no interest in that soykaf at all but people assume that "hacking" == criminality. if i dont tell them about my interests they wont understand my paranoia fully). i'm worried i will never be good enough at what i love. i can only talk about this here in this anon forum using Tor because i'm afraid my communications are being monitored and will be used to blackmail me or something. if you fuarrrkers are in fact reading this come at me already you pussies i'm getting tired of waiting. i just keep trying to keep coding keep reading keep watching videos or something to distract myself. i just want this to end. i wish the dnms hadn't been raided never used them before but now i would order some fentanyl and OD just drift off to cozy black sleep. this can't continue. any advice is appreciated thanks for reading

>>1845 So op I think the first thing you need to do is find a way to get your finances in order. You are making yourself a prisoner in your own mind. I think you may just be going through a period of insomnia, and because you're not sleeping right your body is undergoing stress. The gubmint has better things to do than go after anons who read the news or Terry Davis types. ps. Tor only protects you from corporates and the admins on sites. freenet and i2p are safer.

After almost ten years of being an edgy atheist kid since my teen years I am getting back at religion and traditional values or at least the "idea" of it more appeals to me now. I think it to be part of growing out of edgy ideologies that I got involved with when as a highscool kid. I was also a devoted marxist for a while after I finally grew out of it last year when I finally realised that communism is impossible (what I couldn't manage to see because while you are involved deeply into an ideology even a descent critisicm would appear as an old soykafty attack on your ideology that you already have its answer in your pocket). My thoughts are more clear now though alas I wasted some of the best years of my life on some bullsoykaf where instead I could have learned something more usefull when I still had strong urge to.

>>1845 Psychoterapeuts can't tell anyone the things you tell them, even if those are about illegal activities. If they do, they are expelled from their professional order and will not be able to work as a psychologist anymore. The only case in which they can do that is if you tell them you want to kill or seriously phisically harm someone, and even in that case i'm quite sure they can't witness in a process, so don't worry anon. I suggest you to find a therapist, better if someone you know knows him/her and can assure you that he/she is a good one. Avoid psychiatrists, they will probably just give you meds without helping in any other way.

>>1849 > After almost ten years of being an edgy atheist kid since my teen years I am getting back at religion and traditional values or at least the "idea" of it more appeals to me now. I think it to be part of growing out of edgy ideologies that I got involved with when as a highscool kid. I was also a devoted marxist for a while after I finally grew out of it last year when I finally realised that communism is impossible (what I couldn't manage to see because while you are involved deeply into an ideology even a descent critisicm would appear as an old soykafty attack on your ideology that you already have its answer in your pocket). > My thoughts are more clear now though alas I wasted some of the best years of my life on some bullsoykaf where instead I could have learned something more usefull when I still had strong urge to. Don't feel bad. You are not alone. Also reformed edgy atheist / (wannabe) young commie here. Still atheist but stopped hurling Hitchens quotes at my Christian friends after that kind of behaviour had driven a wedge between myself and the people I loved. Cost some valuable relationships along the way path to humility. Not to mention made me an arrogant and widely-disliked douche. It took years but I finally developed some respect for Religion. Everyone is just looking for their own answers. You don't have to have all the answers. I believe that everyone goes through this experience at some point (perhaps multiple points; perhaps this is just "life"?) Just focus on doing what is right for yourself.

>>1832 I've used cocaine and mdma on rotation every day for weeks now. I feel great still. But that kind of chemical change can lead to some mental instability on the rebound. I'm gonna try to scrape up some cash today. I've filled out 30 applications and none are working out for me. At the very least i'm mentally sound. My head is put together quite nicely. I've dissolved it in acid and precipitated the hardened form too many times to count now. Idk if things are looking up but they're not bad certainly.

>>1849 protip: you still don't know anything any more than you used to. Thinking you have escaped ideology is the greatest delusion of them all. Anyway, I've been wageslavin' for a while and it's getting tiring. I have just about the best job I could reasonably get and it's still draining. I think I'm gonna try to make a run for it towards the end of this summer.

Im crying because I saw a pic of my ex best friend who abused me alot. I cut contact at some point. But now he's back in the life of my gf so he's kinda close again so... I suffer alot. Not because I miss him but I fear that he'll tear my gf away from me. I just cryed because I saw a picture of him. Help.

I was already thinking about suicide every 10 minutes, due to my life being terrible in every way except for financially. Now I have lost my life savings, $100k+, on btc-e.com because the FBI seized it due to an admin being a hacker and money launderer. All users branded as criminals even though I didn't nothing illegal. At best I would have to wait years to get half my funds back after FBI dick. I'm fuarrrking dead soon there is no doubt. The world is a horrible, horrible place. fuarrrk it all.

>>1857 Don't hurt yourself. I can tell you are very worried because of what happened. Money always comes and goes. Things will get better even if now they appear very dark. If you need some help please call the suicide line phone number in your country or even just come idle in the IRC with us. People are here for you.

>>1849 Just don't think everyone you perceive as an edgy atheist kid is you now. Rememeber just as many people say what you saud but the other way around. You are finding what works for you, thats good, but rememeber its not what works for everyone. Some people get a lot of strength and confidence from their marxist beliefs. >>1853 I remember thinking I was a psychotic mess waiting to happen. I got involved with the drug scene along with a lot of my friends and I was the only one to not come out with any major issues save for seeing patterns in drywall to this day. It was both sad and confidence boosting. On one hand it proved no matter what I can always find a way to keep going even when I think im gonna kill myself or do something terrible. On the other hand I always felt like I had so many problems and was such a mess, not realizing those close to me were suffering much more deep down. >>1856 Probably the worst thing you can do is worry about it. You cant change how people feel by deception and force, if you are the better more likeable person and she is worth it she will stick with you. On the other hand if you grow jealous, turn into an unstable mess, while your friend who if he is abusive as you say is probably confident calm and collected she will certainly turn to him. Someone who seems to have their head straight while those close are wallowing and angry and depressed. She will without a doubt turn to him. Its happened to me, and ive done it myself. Ive left close friends for people who I felt were more reliable. Its not that I abandoned my friends when they were low, its that I couldnt trust them anymore, I couldnt count on them or have a good time with them. Our entire interactions turned into them trying to push me apart from new people and keep me from expanding my friend group. They became a genuinely bad person, even though from their eyes I was probably the bad person for leaving them. How people react to soykaf situations is a big defining characteristic of them, especially in a relationship. If you react by improving yourself she will see that. If you react by growing paranoid she will see that too. Im not saying suppress your emotions, I know thats impossible. Work on not feeling like that, find out why you feel so insecure and work around it. For me I was abandoned a lot as a kid, so I always worried about people leaving me and eventually they did. I worked with it by realizing ive alwayz been alone, and at the end of they day il live friends or no friends as I always have. Make it a goal, something to work towards. Being a better more likeable person by your standards. Even if your life falls apart you can take it in stride (to a degree) knowing it was your fault and a fault you can correct, or that the life you led before wasnt deserving of you. Again not saying you wont be devestated, just that after a month or a year there will be hope again.

Things are going pretty good actually. I got a nice /sec/ job making decent money and found a girl who loves me. I'm terrified it will all be ripped away from me and I cant even enjoy it. :(

Things are going good, I'm starting to get back the energy I was lacking for years and I'm feeling good almost every day. I started to renovate an old apartment my family owns and I have also started some programming projects I wanted to do forever. Hope all lainons deal well with our demons

Everything I've done has been great. I got a great job writing software for disabled people. I helped an old friend kick a nasty coke habit. I made new friends with some geeky hacker types. Everything outside of my control is going awfully. My mother was diagnosed with cancer. My grandmother no longer recognises me. I've dedicated my life to helping others and on that score I've no regrets. I suffered a lot in early childhood, more than most will know in their lives. I made a life out of standing alone and thriving no matter what the world threw at me but, while it had its charms, there's more to life and even on that score I'm moving, if slowly and haltingly. Trust is not a thing that comes easily to me. I keep half expecting the rug to be pulled from under me, but I know, if it does, I'll still be standing. No matter what happens now, I know I've survived worse. I've always had a love for poetry. Here's one I wrote more than a decade ago, when I first left my family to go and live on the streets (it was a step up back then): "With the wind in my hair, and the rain on my face, I'll harden my heart, and quicken my pace."

I feel like my gf regrets the decision to go out with me. I am watching my only friend slowly slip into an opoid addiction that I can't do anything about. My paranoia is getting worse by the day. I have a feeling someone close to me is going to die soon but I'm not sure who or why I feel this way. It rains a lot. I started a new job (night shifts) and it means I don't get to see the people I care about much because even when I'm not working I have to keep a nocturnal sleep cycle so I can stay awake at work.

Pretty sure I'm going to be homeless by the end of the month. Got no cash, no job, no prospects, and no one to turn to. Kind of freaking out and considering ending it all to escape.

>>1887 Quit work lain. My brother was a fit and beautiful guy, then he started to do the night receptionist in a hotel and now he weights about 120 kilos and is bold. And apart from physical aspects, he also developed health problems and had some kind of hearth attacks. Working at night fuarrrks with your metabolism, don't do it. Also he now has almost zero social life, even if probably this is not fully due to his work.

>>1891 >even if probably this is not fully due to his work. Actually nothing you typed is due to his work, it's due to a lot of different factors. He may as well chosen to be a NEET and develop the same exact problems by staying in front of the PC.

>>1884 Well, the rug got pulled from under me. Not really surprised. If anything it's a relief. Now, my course is clear. I stand alone in a harsh and hostile world and I stand tall. Back straight, head high, crush anything that gets in my way. I'm good at it and it's familiar to me. Most people don't know what it's like to know that not a soul in the world cares about you. They imagine it would be a dour and painful experience but it's not. It's liberating in the extreme. I am free, from concern, from worry, from consequence. What could possibly harm me when I have nothing left to lose?

>>1894 That would make him a loser.

>>1861 I'm trying so hard to work around my insecurities but it's so hard if even a haircut triggers you because it reminded you of that friend. And I feel so helpless. Right now I'm feeling so fuarrrking bad. And I actually thought if killing myself wouldn't be the best way out of this. My gf could hang out with him. He could hang out with her and I, the barrier, would be gone... I feel so much like killing myself right now. Not that I'll ever have the balls to do it.. but... Dunno.

I feel kind of burnt and bored of everything lately, even slightly more than before and I don't really want to try anything new either, prospects of going out of my comfort zone just doesn't interest me either and would most likely end in failure. I just feel like there really isn't much more I'd like to do in life at all, despite not being even in my mid 20's. I suppose I will finally try to get a part-time job to vary my life a little bit, but I'm almost certain it'll be endless pain and suffering trying to endure the hours that I'm in job, especially the sameness. I couldn't even stand doing so few hours per week while being in university, so I can't see myself stomaching 8-12 hour shifts of pretty much anything. At least whatever I'm doing now despite being boring and same is something I've chosen to indulge in, but being semi-forced to do something and not really being able to just not follow through would seem like an inferno to me. I'm still pretty sure things will turn on just alright regardless, but it seems so dull.

>bike breaks >have to walk to work >be late >get yelled at >bass I ordered gets delivered with the neck snapped in half >drop phone and shatter it the next day >only pair of earbuds stops working kill me

Yesterday my dog died. She went running after my mother who was going to the store and was ran over by a van. It wasn't messy. I think the car broke her spine and probably squashed something inside her belly, as it was swollen. My mother heard her screams and when she turned around she saw her laying on the street moving her front legs as if calling her out. My mom freaked out and bursted into tears, all the while holding her in the middle of the street as she exhaled her last breath. She was more than ten years old. Been with me almost half my life. At first I tried my best to keep my composure and comfort my mom. But last night, and today as the realization came that I won't be seeing her anymore, nor she will ask me to scratch her or feed her, nor she will wake me in the mornings, I feel really hollow and find myself sobbing sporadically. I know it'll pass. But I still can't fathom that she is not with me anymore. It must be like this for most people, but I have a loose feeling that she is alive at the place that we buried her waiting for us, her family, to come and take her home where she will always belong.

i keep cutting myself and i feel so weak when i do it but i have no other way to release my stress right now banging desks does nothing, punching walls does nothing, going to therapy is just a scam, i can't keep dumping all my feelings on my friends and lover this is all i have left and it's going to be the end of me

>>1916 You need to find a better outlet or at least work yourself down. Ask your friends and your lover for help. Try not to dump emotion all over them but you can talk about it. They might have some insight.

>>1916 Try to workout instead, pushups and stuff, else just try to rest and relax force to calm yourself.

>>1912 stoic mindset helps when in problems

>>1916 > i have no other way to release my stress right now banging desks does nothing, punching walls does nothing Relieving stress is a mental action, not a physical one. You don't need to physically do anything at all and the only reason some things work and others don't is because that's how you respond to those actions. Right now you need to worry about the immediate practical side of this. You need something to use as an outlet to tide you over and you have a free choice. It's your mind, what do you think will work? >i can't keep dumping all my feelings on my friends and lover Are you sure? Did they say that explicitly? You're obviously not in a great place right now and that warps our perceptions. You're right when you say you can't "keep" dumping eventually you'll have to find other ways but I bet if you asked which they'd rather you cutting or you dumping feelings on them they'd decide in a heartbeat. Make an effort to get better and they'll see that and they'll stick with you.

>>1915 I have a cat thats been with me ally life. Shes 19 and so am I. I know she might die soon, and probably when im away at college just statistically. Its gonna be hard to imagine her not being around. All my pets for some reason just seem like invincible, like they will never die but I know thats not true. One of my dogs is a large breed whos 9 too. She mught die at around the same time as my cat.

>>1894 Trust me, the health thing was too fast, too random and too heavy to be not related to his work

been losing weight, and entering the last year of school. a little anxious since i don't have any plans for after, and my portfolio is non-existent. gotta get something in it, instead of wasting time doing inane soykaf. but all in all been feeling up, this last semester i was able to recover from a big dip i had.

>>1924 Thanks for replying, lain. I thought I was ready to let her go whenever it happened. But I could never imagine that it was going to be like this. She was around 13/14 years, and even though I'm not sure, I keep thinking of the years she had left and that we could have been together. Pain has eased a little and yesterday I've been remembering some of the good times we spent together. I find a little solace knowing that she had a good life since we picked her up from the street when she was a newborn puppy. More so than most stray dogs at least.

I had a friend who suffered from self harm, she would sometimes grip ice cubes to avoid the impulse to cut herself

I just want to feel good about myself lainons. Why am I so sad and angry all the time? I just want to feel happy for more than a minute at a time. I can't even fathom people who are satisfied with their lives and happy, it doesn't feel like a thing that's even physically possible, to be happy and not hate yourself all day long. I just want it to end [spoiler]i'm so lonely i miss you I know it was the right thing to do to separate and I know it was just right, but i miss talking with you every day and just feeling safe with you

>>1954 I can't even post correctly

I'm a fuarrrking mess, I can't feel good talking to girls, being around girls or having a relationship with a girl without feeling guilty. It's such a stupid thing but I can't for the life of me not feel "dirty" (for lack of a better word). What the hell is wrong with me?

Things are actually going pretty well right now. I've got my first job and I've been feeling relatively happy recently. It's pretty soykaf pay and only for the summer but I'm still pretty pumped. I've also got onto the course I wanted for this year so I'm kinda excited to start that after this job ends. Hopefully nothing goes wrong!

Why is there so much censorship on the internet now and why are so many fuarrrking people okay with that? What the hell is wrong with this society?

>>1962 Boiling frog technique.

>>1962 people in general like censoring stuff, like >There's another book called The Naked Lunch which I couldn't even finish reading, but it's published, and I think the author should be in jail ... It boils down to hurr durr stop liking what i dislike(also if said thing is "unmoral" / "exploits someone" / "n soykaf" then banning is fun(also it sounds edgy as fucc but i can't name it better i guess or am edgy as fucc)) People are okay with that cause they know but don't care(me and soykafton of others) or don't notice it cause frog boils(soykafton of people) I don't think anything is wrong, and if you bring up something like "b-b-but earlier" then i am afraid you might be hella wrong because stuff varies in time and sometimes it's more and sometimes it's less

Stop fapping to cp and kill yourselves you're making it soykaf for everyone

>>1962 I think its because we are entering a sort of social dictatorahip if thats even a thing. Ideally this is the prime state for a society, self governing. I honestly don't know if its a good or bad thing, but the point is I feel its trending more and more towards that direction. People can unanimously agree that something or someone should be censored or figuratively destroyed quickly and then execute in cooperation with the popular website owners. Its never about censoring free speech, at heart they are just motivated by the belief that X person or X idea is so stupid and assholeish and worthy of criticism it should be trampled on. Its an easy target, usually something only a handful of people would miss and if they said they miss it without going "im just trying to defend free speech" would be ridiculed. Some behaviour or idea that a large percentage of people deeply hate and now have the power to finally kill it, to them it feels like justice. I dont know if thats the kind of censorship you were talking about though. If you were talking about government and media censorship its just more visible now probably thanks to the internet.

Im a really lazy talker, and I am pretty good id say at picking out what someone meant even if they said it all wrong so I tend to expect the same of other people. This leads to a lot of anger, if someone doesnt understand what I said and says something like "that doesnt even make sense" il usually be like you know what I meant and if they say "no I didnt actually" I have this assumption they are being a smartass and are just being a dick. Im trying to think of examples. Theres some minor ones where people still usually get what im saying but just think its funny or cute that I said it that way, like joining two words together on accident or if I cant immediately recall a word il just call it something else descriptive. Like weird example but calling spackling bumpy textured paint (just thought of that cause im staring at drywall, ive done it with more simple things like coffee or ice). But sometimes if im describing something or telling a story or idea il just sort of lazily describe whats happening and people will be like what? which im fine with. My problem is when they instantly go that didnt make any sense, usually I know when thats the case and if they just asked a question or were patient id say it again still probably messed up but between the two me sayings it they would get it. The way people describe it when I ask is it sounds like im not talking normally but trying to piece something together or feel my way around it. its usually only with more complicated or abstract concepts that I start to fuarrrk up. My only explanations are my brain either moves a lot slower than everyones elses or I tend to not think in words but in pictures and scenes.

>>1981 I suppose you favor fapping to to mv or ls over cp? I'm more into cd myself.

I think things are going great. I did quit my job at a private bank . I was being paid lots of cash, but I did quit since I was hating it. Now I do not get paid that much, but I like my actual job. I feel so good about it. I dont have to go my job and have to feel anxious as fuarrrk.

>>1985 >not parenthesis Pathetic

Things that werent making me angry now make me angry. Its a few things. In retrospect its funny but when it happens its not. Whenever I ask certain questions people instantly try to give me the answer they think I want to hear OR assume im going somewhere with the question and do the opposite of what they think im trying to get them to say. When I say "mate its just a fuarrrking question im not going anywhere" they change their answer. An example was I was asking about a certain person or figure I didnt know, I said something like why do most people like this guy is it ironic. I was asking a person who follows said person closely but someone else chimed in like yeah hes such a retard and said something way out there. I was like what the fuarrrk man do you even watch this guy. And hes like actually no, I just watched him now and he seemed like a nice guy. Then when said friend I originally asked answers with hes a huge retard I said oh yeah he seems like it. Guy that chimed in said "What the fuarrrk thats what I said originally why were you defending him if you didnt like him" Its like holy soykaf I wasnt, you just knew nothing about the guy and neither do I so I wanted to hear from someone who knows better. He seemed like a retard yes but I thought maybe I had it wrong and your explanation of why he was stupid made it apparent you had no idea and were just spouting soykaf. Or its hard to think of an example but il ask like a question with a stereotypical answer but not the only one. They will answer with something outside that stereotypical answer to try and surprise me or some soykaf and when I say "is that what you really think" and they keep changing the answer and overanalyzing what I just asked when it was a genuine question. Maybe something like il ask "Why do you think thats true". The other one is im okay at drawing, good enough to where your average person who doesnt draw would go thats good. I always get the same response if someone asks to see and its "wow how do you think of this stuff". I dont know why but that pisses me off so much, I dont think what I do is far out there. Im aware that it does look far out there though so its not really fair. But my dickhead impulsive self usually just says "Shut the fuarrrk up" or if im feeling nice or dont know the person "its really not that strange". I dont know why this makes me mad, its kind of like this is just what I think up its not hard for me and the fact that they see it as impressive makes me mad. It makes me just want to draw regular ass things like just peoples faces or landscapes. Is that all they can see really wow so creative. I guess thats it, I could have put in half the effort if they just wanted to see something thats "really weird woah". It also makes me mad that while they seem to think wow he must think really weird soykaf to come up with this they are surprised or laugh at my ideas sometimes if im talking or go "what??" like they dont know whats going on. That has to be another one, when people just say "what?". What what is it? Could you please like actually talk and either say sorry wasnt listening or ask what part was confusing. Im not smart by the way this isnt me just being a super genius and my friends being dumbasses. I probably just sound like a huge conceited dick. If multiple people are saying something I recognize im doing something wrong. I just wanted to vent.

>>1990 I give open parenthesis the bash. But then that is a case by case statement.

>>2018 I know your kindred spirit in this world. Her questions can be really hard to crack sometimes and they way they are asked always makes me super cautious about what I say.

>>2024 What is it about them that makes you cautious?

>>1891 I'm very close to quiting my job and moving into a squat and going full cyber-hobo. It's so tempting. The night shift is actually kind of comfy but the actual job is like kicking dead whales down the beach ass (bartender at a mainstream club). I really hate dealing with, for lack of a better word, normal people all the time.

>>2019 you have to close them silly, this way they can embrace all of your creation

>>2025 The complete tonal shift of the conversation and body language. Sometimes it is very much subliminal messages and I am unsure if I can even name them, sometimes it is simply asking to talk in private. If you open with "can I ask you something in private" it doesn't matter what will be the question my mind will run all possible answers and reasons for asking in parallel with its full computing power.

>>2026 Don't be a pussy

I relapsed so badly this time. My mental state also has gotten worse these past few days. I'm beginning to think that maybe it is the manic-depression cycles that I had in my teen years. so for a few days I feel so in control on my time and everything and and I can study and contemplate for long hours in a day but suddenly I would break and just let myself go. I would get back to a state which I don't have urge to do anything but to kill time by surfing the net randomly. I don't feel very good and so I'm not productive in any way. I'm trying to stop smoking/fapping and also to waste less time online. its hard!

Supposed to start uni soon. We have been bedridden due to a disease tearing me and my nerves apart for a few years. This make me older than my potential peers. The experience also has left me looking like a 35 year old man. This is a dumb worry after the soykaf i've put up with to get to a point where i can try to get an education again but im worried i could get targetted for some soykaf because of how much older i am/look. Gonna just go and see how it goes anyways but i've been building up some serious anxiety over time and while most of me is just too dead to care, this is the last thing that's really in my way before getting the life back where i want it. The last post i made on a thread like this a couple years back was drastic due to feeling completely trapped in my rapidly decaying body but i feel very sane these days Really hope some of the other lains here feel better. Last week i realized i could relax for a few days the first time in years and it's unbelievably nice. just spend a day, do everything slowly on purpose. double check how far your arms can move. have a friendly staring contest with your ceiling. Its not easy but its so fuarrrking worth it.

I dont feel i can talk to anyone on my emotions. I spent a lot of time on imageboards starting at around 14 starting somewhere around 4 years ago. It helped me with being an insecure, lonely and somewhat bullied outcast. today everything is much better. I am much more confident and feel very comfortable with my peers. but it pains me a bit to not find anyone who shares and i can share my imageboard experience with. someone who could understand being lonely and spending lots of time with other, lonely people like yourself on an imageboard, or the mindset the site gives you, the edgy/dark humor and cynisism. i feel better now having let it out, even if it might be a bit unintengible.

>>2037 He's talking about changing his situation because he's unhappy with it, and choosing an adventurous alternative. The pussy thing to do would be the opposite. At least if he hates being a hobo he will certainly a few things, maybe find some new path. Better than staying in some safe career and realizing one day he's 50 or older and full of "what ifs".

>>2069 I found several people like that by accident, after I knew them for a while already. They weren't spouting memes or pronouncing textspeak out loud but something about their inappropriate senses of humour or hatred of furries tipped me off. Oddly enough, more of them were female than male.

>>1861 >strength and confidence from their marxist beliefs. I suppose a lot of people get strength and confidence (being part of an in group) from becoming skinheads, white supremacists, members of the 'alt-right', bernie voters, devil worshipers, christians, sports fans, trannies etc. There are good and bad places where you can find a sense of belonging and the sense of inclusion you crave. Join a pick up sports league, work on your car, post on lainchan. Just don't be an edgy fuarking marxist.

>>2074 Yeah I've definitely met a few people who browse 4chan irl as well ratio as it stands now is 1:~5 women to men for me. first girl I ever had sex with was a huge btard. good times tbh good times

>>2079 > edgy How many marxists have you met? Most of them are beardo, boring, failed intellectuals. It's not in fashion anymore with "edgy" youth.

>>2079 a good 60% of those groups you listed aren't even negative.

>>2081 Not him, But where I live that is indeed the case with most young marxists. Their main motivation for getting involved in those groups is to gain notoriety. For a while I used to hang out with a leftist party and most of the kids there were like that. They thought that it was cool being a "revolutionary".

>>2079 you need to stop spending so much time on the internet to be honest.

>>2088 Tell your whole town to catch up, it's cool to be either an anarchist and run with ANTIFA now or be an apolitical, cynical hipster. Marxism went out decades ago.

>>2079 As a former marxist I can confirm that if you get any confidence from being a marxist is not due to beliefs but the feeling that you belong to a community and something bigger than yourself, Its not just you and your psychology anymore but you belong to a cause and specially your relation to "history" gives meaning to your life. that maybe true for some of the other groups you mentioned. but yeah, if these things appeals to anyone its better to join another community not marxism because first of all there is little sense of community there as there are too many sects within it where each little group calls all the other heretic and tries to excommunicate them, there is no dialogue as having a dogmatic attitude is totally glorfied and since identity politics got mixed with far left politics most of them are also annoying SJWs.

>>2082 Wasn't necessarily implying that the groups are negative, just that people look for belonging in a lot of places, sometimes places that aren't all that great. >>2089 My advice for everyone in this thread is the same, spend some time volunteering see if your city has a computer recycling program or some sort of IT related field you can spend some time in, it'll help you move a little bit outside yourselves and it will help you socialize with others, also you get a genuinely good feeling from it AND it looks good on a resume. During the year I volunteer at 'robotics clubs' at a few of the local elementary schools, I essentially coach the kids and teach them how to play with lego. It's a good feeling and I love doing it. I'm going to assume that because I'm on lainchan, I'm probably replying to a socialist or some other undesirable, if you really believe in marxism or socialism or whatever spend some time volunteering at your local co-op. I can't stress enough how good this is if you are a NEET or some other type of degenerate (just like I was a little while ago) it really really helps.

My life feels... tasteless. I tried to pick up guitar after an anon suggested it a couple years ago but I can't motivate myself to practice for more than 15 minutes at a time so I suck just as much as I did when I started. I guess I don't know what specifically to practice so I just noodle aimlessly every time.

>>2172 No the funny thing is i'm not even marxist or even socialist or left wing. People take things too literally, and also see entire groups of people as some stereotype on the internet. Whatever, if nobody wants to listen thats not my problem. By "gets some confidence" I just meant whatever he was feeling which he said "confidence" from his beliefs many people who don't believe what he does also feel. Its stupid to think because you "outgrew" something everyone who believes that thing is just a less developed version of yourself. For many marxism or whatever is their final destination, and they already went through their phases. Judge people individually not as a stereotype you have in your head, especially not a prohected one built off of embarassment of past beliefs.

Why are you all so lame?

>>2199 I contracted polio as a child.

>>1833 > I've never seen a therapist or whatever You should > and don't plan on it too bad > They can't help people > the mother of all implying Go find a therapist that does CBT. I started going to a therapist few months ago. It's hard stuff. He doesn't do CBT and I made a decision with myself to open up and be 100% honest, and it's a soykafty way to start the week... but think of it as cleaning your drains. They're full of rotten soykaf and you need to dredge of all it out in the beginning to resume functionality. It stinks, but it's your health, and your life.

I've met with a girl I really like today. we had fun, talking was great and it made me happy however I am socially handicapped and don't really know how to push things forward. I got a kiss for goodbye but it probably didn't mean anything. I feel slightly bad becasue it will surely end like most of my previous contacts with girls: I have a problem with closeness and being open about my expectations and she will think that I just want to be friends or I'm gay. I am always afraid that if I will try something more direct she will laugh or I will make myself a fool in some way because that's what I usually do. Apart from that I have a job that I like (low paid but excactly my interest), some savings so I can live for couple of months without a job. I might say that my life is pretty OK for the moment but I hate the perspective of another chance for having someone close wasted because of me and who I am. Why contacts with others must be so complicated, stressful and so not intuitive at least for me.

>>2206 She kissed YOU, I'd say she's at least curious. If someone I knew for a long time kissed me goodbye I would probably not think it meant more than a friendly thing but a girl I just met would be different.

>>2206 Strike while then iron is hot anon. She kissed you, don't be so daft. If you never make a move you're always gonna wonder "what if..." Better to know for sure then be left wondering your whole life.

Can't really talk to you guys. Can't talk to anyone. It doesn't really make sense, it's like I'm just dumping into a void and that void just takes my thoughts and takes them nowhere. I've realized this already a few times, where I share a thought and the "pressure" is relieved and that thought doesn't really develop any further because I let it out. It's weird but that's how it is. And the thing is, I would like *someone* to talk to, not just this dialog box on a web browser and dump it onto a wall of text that nobody will read, because in the end nobody does and that kind of bothers me a little because in a way I am looking for some encouraging words. But I'm doing it right now, ain't I? Well yes and no, I felt the urge to talk about what I'm thinking, something that I want to do, and how it intimidates me, and so on and so forth. But it'll be no good. I guess it's a follow your heart kind of thing, perhaps? And as with all things of the heart, I'm just going to find opposition, social inertia. I also have a friend to whom I can talk about this stuff, but she lives in another city, and anyway if I talk to her I'll feel stupid. I just feel like people won't really get it, it's a kind of isolation that originates from the fact that perhaps I am living in a world of fantasy of my own. And all I can do is try. Even when I talk to her, she just spounts random words of encouragement (she means well ofc) but they kind of bounce off, as if there were a glass between us and she's talking to me from the other side where she can't really see what's going on on this side. Even the words she says to me are rather artificial, they all feel alien, like at best they're an impression she gets about me out of a few hours worth of interaction after maybe 2 years of not seeing each other. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am alone, and while I'd like to talk about what I'm thinking, I feel nobody will "get" me, and that people will just bash me for what I want to say, they'll say I've been reading too many fairytales.

>>2215 I am i would say similar to yourselfs. All advice i can offer you that i think might be remotely useful would be to try expressing your imaginative world in some way. Be it drawing or writing or whatever.

cant stop hugging my pillow

Met a girl like a week ago, we've seen each other like 3 nights or so and we've texting each other a lot. However, every day I feel like my convos are so damn boring that she's losing interest. I don't even know why that thought is permanently on my mind. I guess it's because I'm not the talkative type and girls are attracted to that? I don't know, this is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>2215 It sounds there are people around at least but you assume they don't want to hear what's on your mind. The longer you persist in living this way, the more that assumption becomes. It might be better to try and get some puzzled looks, because you might strike a chord with someone you least expected. Or end up like me with no one to talk to except one individual. He talks back alright but online translators don't recognize cat so we don't get very far.

>>2221 She wants to fuarrrk not to listen to your boring soykaf

>>2215 Dont equate the idea of people with people; generalizations are built to eventually fail. You'll rarely find anyone that can relate one-to-one with you, so don't look for that. Find common ground in your conversations; things you and them can clearly and evidently relate on. Once you begin to assume others positions you run the risk of creating friction. And if all else fails; you could try journaling and writing. >>2221 Ever think to ask if she gets tired of talking?

>>1832 If I saved every penny i've earned from selling drugs, from trading up drugs, from liquidating assets and all the money I spent on my ex girlfriend i'd have 10,000$ easy. I made 26000$ last year counting all the drug and legit money. It's all gone with the only thing to show for it a few track marks, good memories and this x230 thinkpad. I spent half on herron a quarter on weed and the other quarter on mdma, coke, meth, mushrooms, lsd, dmt and research chemicals. I spent maybe 2000$ on food all year.

why am I so useless

>>2271 You're not. You just have to look for something worth to put yourself to good use.

>>2275 i am void of passions

soykaf. I can't have a normal life, i can't even have a stereotypical abnormal life. I'm just floating in this weird space where i'm kind-of productive and kind-of nonproductive. Every time i spend a whole day playing videogames it helps me to relax but, i always end up regretting it anyway. There's so many problems and bullsoykaf i'll eventually have to sort through that even thinking about all of it is enough to shut me down. Re-reading my own soykaf, i might have some anxiety, damn. Here's hoping a GABA will sort all this out.

>>2276 I know this unfeel. The main emotion left is guilt over wasting my time every day which is just leftover momentum from the years when I still gave a good goddamn about anything. The idea is still there that I should be doing something but I don't actually care about any of it.

>>2276 Me too. At this point I think the thing to do is to keep trying things, and stick to the ones that pulls one more. I guess. Thing is, I don't believe in ""passion"" anymore. Are we supposed to suddenly find something that will engage us enough to make us forget about ourselves and do it nonstop almost without any input from our actual self? I think there are a couple things we should put into the things that we do: purpose and effort. There are things that interest us more than others, perhaps because we see something worth in them, or we want to get something out of it, be it money, fun, personal development, mastery, recognition. Whatever, we seek to gain something from doing something else, that's really what drives us to do things. And then comes effort, nothing comes without effort, and quite often we will run into some difficulty doing things. But I think that's something that we should overcome whatever it is that we are doing, like a natural barrier in our development, whatever it is that we do and whatever it is that we expect to get. What's this "barrier"? I think it's different for each of us. In my case I've come to realize a big problem I've been carrying is undecisiveness, which keeps me from committing to something, and which keeps me from doing the things that I would like to be doing, often for fear of doing the "wrong" thing. In the end, there is no right and wrong and ultimately the thing I have to do is commit to something and go through with it. Another problem I seem to have is impatience, I get way ahead of myself and that keeps me from focusing on the task at hand.

How do I stop worrying so much? I apologize at everything, even if it's not my fault; Unexpected changes stress me to no avail; My inner brain argues with me about if people around me actually like being around me or if I'm just not worth it. I feel so inadequate where people around me tell me I'm exceptional, I just don't believe them. I think every night about if my partner actually loves me, even though they're always so honest. and people I've vented to about this ask me why I don't trust them, but I want to trust them. Why am I this way?

I just ate for the first time in 3 days, I go to work in 2 hours and I should be sleeping... I have had food, but I have been to busy with work and school to actually eat... My phone bricked itself last week, so I have no contact with the outside world (besides you guys)... I don't even know what to do at this point

>>2281 Practice being "in the moment". Constantly thinking about how things can go wrong will burn you out and, can cause more problems instead of preventing them. Just being observant, self-aware, and responsive can make your life easier and provide direction instead of worry and speculation.

I like studying but I fear so much failing that I procastinate. I have a very important final in less than a month, and I can't get around to study. I really want to get all the preassure off my back, but it's not going to go unless I study and get on with it. Bye, I'm going to study guys. Have a nice day

>>2281 I worry about the exact same things a lot. Here's hoping it gets better, hang in there m8. >>2284 it's very easy to say, but very hard to actually do, especially if you've been thinking this way for your whole life.

I struggle to find meaning in my life. I've already counted out reproduction, perpetuating humanity, etc. because 1) ha ha, fat chance even if I wanted to, and 2) I'm trying to stay above and control my more basic instincts. Obviously food and safety fall into that category but those are essential to survival, reproduction isn't, at least for my individual ego. I've been born and raised Christian (inb4 edgy atheist fuarrrks' interjections) and while I try not to blindly follow I have started doing research, and christianity I don't believe necessarily needs to go directly against science. A lot of people will misinterpret and take pretty radical views but there's not a lot one can do to definitively disprove another dimension to existence, such that religion could be actually feasible, even if it isn't really what we'd think of it today or 100 years ago. According to the Bible I'm supposed to find meaning in giving glory to God but I always shoot myself in the foot in the worst way. Like I'll have a really clear view of what I need to do (not necessarily exclusively in religion, I see this tendency in my everyday life as well.) then I almost purposefully and deliberately hamstring myself and put my goals out of reach again. I looked up some stuff and while I hate self-diagnosing since it's trash and I'm probably the most inaccurate person to do a mental evaluation, I've seen some similarities between my behavior and clinical masochism. Not sexually oriented, it's just like I love to suffer and semi-subconsciously arrange my life so that it's always an uphill battle. I feel somewhat depressed now and again because of the way I operate, and I've not been suicidal per se but it's difficult for me to motivate myself to improve my life. I don't see myself causing any long term change in the world, even if I were to max out my potential, win a nobel prize, revolutionize an industry, whatever, my accomplishments will still fade until I'm barely a distant memory of a dusty textbook that sold barely 250 copies. Too many run-on sentences and this is rambling on but oh well. So how's your week been going? Neat welding attached because you deserve to see this neat soykaf.

>>2286 Try to find peace with the fact that you won't be perfectly prepared. Your job is not to cover all the material but to increase your chances of passing. Every minute you put into studying just gives you a better shot at passing it. Helps for me when I'm trying to cover semester in one night and urge to just give up comes around. Might help with procrastination. I mean you are deflecting from a task of getting prepared and facing the amount of material you have. So it might be easier not to see it as one obstacle but a fluid process.

>>2287 So if it's not easy, it isn't worth doing? Think of making or breaking habits like learning a videogame; If you keep yourself from playing the game until you think you're ready because the game "looks hard", you will never improve. If you learn about the game and it's rules you'll have a good head start. As you play it, you learn how to play better by looking at your failures. So you won't get it all at once. It will be difficult. Not even desiring, planning, or trying to go in the right direction doesn't do you any good.

So, it's time to go back to college soon. I'm finally about to get my license. I was never happy through all of middle school and high school. I had little friends, I got into sites like 4chan and what not and slowly drifted away. I never felt like I could do anything, my computer was the only place I felt safe to express myself and do stuff for whatever reason. In college I met a girl and for the first time I was happy, she wasn't just a gf but my best friend and I could act like myself and tell her anything. But because I was so inexperienced I guess I was way too dramatic, too sensitive, and was too much of a burden. That's changed but still. I have an oppurtunity to talk to her again and she isn't opposed to it. In fact she said she would like to but i'm not sure if she's just lying to be nice, I had tried talking to her after she said this and she didn't seem like she really was that happy to see me. But anyways I have to see her cause I have to bring her her clothes she left in my room. All summer i've been thinking, it can't hurt to try and I might as well just try talking to her again. But as it gets closer I don't know, I almost just want to give her the clothes and leave. I was going to go invite her to come walk with me somewhere and I had all these ideas but I just don't know. I also want to try and make friends in classes, and be more open and friendly. I got a haircut, I kind of looked scary before. Because I never had any friends I forgot how to make them in classes and what not, almost all my friends I have now were people who forced their way in and were the really confident type who just make friends with people. I didn't have to make any effort. The girl I was talking about was the same way. The issue with people like this though is that I tend to think of them as being way better than me, after all I'm just some loser I should be thankful they wanted to be friends with me. So if they stop talking to me because we aren't on agreement at the time thats the end of it, I had a lifelong friendship pretty much end in middleschool cause when the person stopped talking to me as much I made no effort thinking they didn't want me around. Then we just drifted apart. This person still sometimes messages me asking if we could hang out but I usually just give vague answers, I get kind of angry with the people after this happens even though it's my fault. I tend to feel like everybody abandons me but I know if that's true its something i'm doing. Nobody is cursed by bad luck. I was feeling super confident but now that i'm here things are just not feeling so good. A lot of its because my mom is all upset that im leaving and she isn't really helping me confidence wise. If anything she's just making me feel worse. Hopefully some thinking time alone will help me get myself straight.

>>2293 >I'm trying to stay above and control my more basic instincts > it's just like I love to suffer and semi-subconsciously arrange my life so that it's always an uphill battle It sounds like you feel a lot of guilt over things you shouldn't. For a time I tried to overcome my animal self but subconsciously this led me to be guilty about everything. I was already skinny and lost a lot of weight because I disliked enjoying something so base as eating. You have to stop shooting yourself down all the time.

>>2301 You have to return the favor. The reason friends stop talking to you is probably because they aren't actually confident you want them around. If I was always the one inviting you out and you never initiated I'd begin to suspect you don't enjoy my company much. Then I might wait and see if you initiate anything instead of annoying you.

It's been a strange last few months since I've been on Lainchan. Around the beginning of April my house burned down, the only thing I had left was my laptop(w/ case & other menial soykaf) and the clothes on my back. I was planning on moving out at the end of the month though, so I already had a place lined up to go, just sans all of my belongings. So I've been slowly rebuilding my life and dealing with the awful fleeting moments of sanity where I actually realize that my life was changed in an instant. Beyond that I've been focusing on building my own business while working as an overnight tech for a local hospital. The business is going pretty well, I actually had a great presentation today, and the way things are looking I get to quit my job by the end of November. Romantically it's been weird. There's a few girls here at work that have taken an interest in me, and I *think* I have an interest in one of them. Hell, I've even been told directly to my face that she's definitely *that* into me. I'm not sure why I don't make a move, maybe it's something to do with my previously abusive relationship. I mean, I have daydreams about her Lainons, it's weird. Still, I'm horribly fuarrrked up and depressed despite my growth in the past months. I guess the thing I worry about most, is that I guess I just really want to make my dad proud. Sorry for the sad-bastard post. I hope you guys are doing well. >>1894 As a night shift worker, I can agree that it fuarrrks with you in alarming ways. I still strive to have a social life, but I can't say that my health has been A+ >>1894

>>2310 That's just hard for me to do. I think you are right but I don't know how to do that. I always used to be alone and I did everything alone so the things I like to do arent things that are fun for other people or group activities. It's not that I don't have fun doing group activities I just am not good at taking care of everyone like that and making sure people are having a good time. I was basically a shut in HS im only just working on my license. I don't know what regular people think is fun, I can pretty much have fun doing whatever if I like the people which is why i'm so reliant on being invited. I know other people aren't always like that though. I don't know. Maybe its just a lack of confidence.

>>2312 It helps to realize that people are just as fuarrrking weird as you think you are. I had the same problem until I started listening more than talking - I quickly realized that all of these 'normal sane folk' are really just as strange as me. Own your weirdness, find comfort in it. The rest will come. Go read some self-help books on self-esteem. "You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero helped me immensely.

>>2313 Im aware seemingly normal people are often even more screwed up than me, but regardless when I am the one organizing I still feel the burden. Also the people I hang out with are mostly less messed up than me and way more confident and have higher standards. Still thanks for the book reccomendations.

All of my logic, feelings and worldview tells me that I should be committing suicide now. But I am still alive. In pain. Waiting. I don't understand.

>>1832 This computer rots my brain but what the fuarrrk else am I gonna do

Question: What do you do when you tried to do what you thought was right but in the end got buttfucked by people? I guess some context is necessary.... but i intentionally want to leave the question open.

>>2337 Move on and learn from it. Don't hold a grudge. I mean if the intent was good and people around you just took advantage of you or gave you soykaf from that then it's their fault. Of course most people would act that way so you need to be wary, but don't let that experience fuarrrk up your morals. Those ought to be yours alone and, at least in my opinion, one should always stick to their principles and don't get carried away by people who don't. Else you're not living up to your own standards and fall into the vice of others. Idk if this makes sense

>>2337 first ask yourself "was what I thought was right, really right" now some say this is subjective so by their standards or the group standard. This can be tricky, think of like a parent that has no control over their kid. They are doing everything right, they give the kid what he wants they always comfort him when he cries or is upset. But from an outside perspective obviously these are the issues. Im not saying your situation is like this but just trying to give a dumb example of someone who absolutely sees themselves as doing thr right thing but really isn't. I think almost any typically good act can be situationally bad. But if all said and done you did what was right you know it to be true or wont admit to yourself otherwise, always look out for numero uno first. This seems selfish but how can you help people at all if you arent taken care of first. Even "selfless" people do this. Its not that they are truly selfless its that they have by birth or through self discipline the ability to live with a lot less than most, they will manage with nothing, it isnt self destructive. Self destructive help is the worst kind of help. Often times someone who affords help in this way is not fit to give help in the first place. If neither of these ring true, be careful who you surround yourself with. Being a good judge of character is something some are born with others have to practice. And even the people born with it are always practicing. As other anon said learn from it. At the very least (not implying your doing this) don't wallow about how life is unfair and you always have bad luck. When it comes to relationships we are in complete control, it must be your fault somehow. But thats not a bad thing, you will fuarrrk up always and get screwed over and the like. Also dont take this as "im never doing something for somebody else again!!" if its that kind of situation. Thats called running away. Literally the best most honorable thing that I guarantee you will look back and be proud and others will see it as good too is to continue doing what you were doing but even better now.

>>2337 Weigh the situation critically. Act accordingly. Try to understand what went wrong. Only represent yourself, and be responsible for yourself IE; your thoughts and actions. If you know that you did the right thing then stand by it. Do not accept slander; your name is valuable. If you made a mistake then apologize, acknowledge, and learn from it. In learning from mistakes always ask yourself how the mistake happened instead of what the mistake was, or else you'll only repeat the same failures.

I wonder if and how long till my new friends find out that im an empty husk and emotional wreck. So far the weed kept me going and i managed to fit in nicely. Im supposed to feel happier and somewhat fullfilled, but i feel even more meaningless and confused than ever. Theyre all druggies anyway so i guess its not big deal, still i have a very morbid curiosity as to how or of they will react.

I don't want to live anymore, living is meaningless. The only thing preventing me from killing myself is my fear of what happens after death.

>>2349 Isn't nothingness more boring than existence? Also for some time I wonder how many people who feel suicidal take into consideration that maybe they feel this way not because existence is a curse but living in modern urban society is soykafty. I personally will try living in a backward rural area (a tiny village) or even inawoods before finally concluding that living itself doesn't worth it and unironically kill myself.

I just want to talk to her she said I could but my body won't move. what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of her? Saying something is better than nothing, whats the worst she can do not talk to me again? Thats hoe its about to be anyways. But I cant go like this, if im already this scared when I see her face after not seeing her for months il throw up. Why can't I just man up, and ask for her room number and go say hi. I can't even send the text, why am I being such a pussy. I don't ever have to talk to her again after this if I don't want. I don't even know if I want to now. Every night when im with other people I feel lonely and remember her and think about how i'd love to go say hi. And then here it is daytime and im terrified again. I can't go in a bad state, I still have my brain. She picks up on weakness and insecurity quick im the same way. It will take only 5 minutes less maybe for her to decide if she wants to talk to me again. I've bettered myself quite a bit since when we were friends. But I need to show that somehow. I was over her I thought, and because I was over her I thought we could finally talk. And here I am almost crying like a dramatic piece of soykaf. The funny thing is im sitting here thinking about this but its nothing for her. She never gets uncomfortable, she always speaks her mind, if other people are upset or crying it doesn't make her feel awkward she just laughs at them usually. Me being over dramatic and crying a ton is why we stopped being friends. It wasn't even like she said we can't she just wasn't going to deal with it so she stopped contacting me. When she stopped contacting me I stopped contacting her because again i was a dramatic little baby like "oh she must not want me around ):". If I just sucked it up and talked to her you know what fuarrrk this. I can't think about it, I also can't not think about it.

>>2351 okay just a little panic attack I think ignore this. Not just cause of that situation my nerves are high right now too.

I think I have lived for too long, and/or are held back by the expectations of others. Sometimes, I want to die - but I step back. Because if I die, I can't learn anymore.

>>2191 I don't think you or any other tolerant liberal would hold the same principle about former nazis or islamic jihadists though, sure they "outgrew" it, if they were delusional before now they are enlightened. So let's stop the hypocrisy with the double standard here based on what we prefer or consider a "reasonable" belief to hold.

I'm not afraid of death. But I am afraid of dying without achieving my dreams, and I am afraid of not dying on my own terms. Every transition stage of my life has been marked by the death of someone I've been close to, and my heart breaks to see evidence that relatives that I've known all my life are starting to age...

>>2358 people dont despie jihadists and nazis because they are unenlightened its because the conotation that they are violent anti social people. rarely would a nazi look at germany in 1930s 40sand say "that wasn't true national socialism". Or a jihadist looking at acts of terrorism and saying "those weren't true jihadists". Its a fairly safe bet that a marxist you meet doesn't see the soviet union or stalin especially as a good example of marxism. You might see it as some false cop out, regardless at the end of the day apples and oranges. It might make sense to you to just pick different ideals people dont agree with and say thats no different than this but it doesnt make sense to me except in a very basic matter of fact way. You don't see you many people comitting acts of violence today under marxism. If that is their goal they usually say they are anti fa or some soykaf. At the end of the day most people actually don't outright declare their beliefs everywhere unless its more than a belief and they like the group label. There is probably loads of people you talk to everyday who you may strongly disagree and they probably hold beliefs you see as "unenlightened" yet they are regular functioning members of society. The only place they probably express those ideas is here on the internet. Hence what im saying.

I have a type, Lain, and that type are emotionally insecure, possessive, untrusting women. Why would anyone go for that type? I didn't. I met them all trying to help them, they were suicides, they were addicts, they were trapped in lives they hated. Every time I just wanted to help and support them. They convinced me I needed their love, and like any drug, the first taste is free and then they ramp up the price. I never looked for love. I got addicted to people and then had to cut them out when I realised what they were actually doing to my life. I've tried, Lain, so hard to make the best life I can with them. And I fail. Everytime feeling terrible. Everytime feeling like a monster. Of every addiction I've faced, quitting someone you love for your own good has the worst withdrawal.

>>2361 Same here, lain. I feel the need to "save" them but it always ends up with no results apart from me feeling a shiet and being unable to cut off contacts with them. I noticed most of my relationship of that type followed the karpman drama triangle scheme https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle I'm sure that what pushes me (and i suppose you too) to look for those girls is some kind of Berne's game, maybe a yet to discover one. If you don't know what i'm talking about, try to look at the pdf i posted here >>2210

I'm supposed to act like they aren't here. Assuming there's a "they" at all. It may just be my imagination. Whatever it is that's watching, it's not human, unlike little dark eyed Donna. It doesn't ever blink. What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me, into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly, because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again. I'll only wind up dead this way, knowing very little, and getting that little fragment wrong too.

>>2360 > Its a fairly safe bet that a marxist you meet doesn't see the soviet union or stalin especially as a good example of marxism. It's also more than an even bet that someone labled "Marxist" doesn't actually call themselves that, it's more of a word other people apply to their opponents to discredit them. I get called it by idiots on the internet when it's nowhere near anything I believe in. It's hard to take anyone seriously who calls themselves that in light of 20th century history.

>>2364 True. People label themselves if they want to be indentified by that group. I guess my main or a better point was in general don't assume that people are your past self just because of political ideals or beliefs you shared.

I miss Tissue Hime.

>>2363 I can recite that part

>>2376 That part resonates with me the most. Feeling hopeless, not control, not understanding myself and even feeling like I am being watched by someone or something. That paragraph encapsulates my feeling so beautifully that it always reawakens those feelings in me.

>>2348 From experience drugies usually don't give a fuarrrk. Especially when it comes to chemical drugs, they are all fuarrrked up as well.

I wanna get lost. I'm gonna leave soon and I wanna explore. I wanna get laid. I want to feel infinite when I'm out with some people. I wanna know what I'm capable of when it's just me. I'm planning on going to the city and just discovering myself there. Just me. I wanna fill this gap in my life that was made by wasting my time on useless and generic practices being on the Internet and playing video games. God, I can't even talk to people. It's not that I'm afraid of girls or people in general. I just suck at talking. Small talking or having deep conversations, whatever! I just wanna experience this. I made mistakes. I'm still making plenty as I type this. I'll probably make some more tomorrow and next week and the next 5 years. But, I still have time. I think if I push myself just a little, I'll see something. Some potential. It will be painful though. Awkward to the Nth degree. But you have to push your boundaries right? I keep making mistakes. Maybe, a few years from now I'll discover a piece of myself. Have you ever wanted to get lost?

>>1985 rm -rfap?

Homeless this week. No money, no job, no friends, no family, no hope. I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do.

I am (slowly) growing to accept the fact that socialising or having friends/being in a relationship is just not the right thing for me. Looking back on my past friendships I realize that it was just me faking it and that I never met a person who made me feel like I could tell them my thoughts and fears and so on (a person you could say anything to and trust them is what I would define as friend) Also it seems like such an incredible responsibility, keeping in contact etc. (I'm that dude in HS who never did hanged out with even outside school) I'm too young to completly give up social life though but I worry if there is even a point in hoping that I will meet someone.

I had an accident and I hitted my head against the windshield of a car my mind went completely dark the only think I remember is walking entering and going out of car and finally staying in a hospital after those incidents no mayor brain damage was detected but I had a hard time remembering about certain stuff and my overall life situation. And I must say I felt very happy with myself it was like starting from scratch again I watched tv series like it was the first it was entertaining to watch my social medias and discovered my old friends again and slowly remembering them, and making new friends... I was making friends!!! in those 2 months I thought this is great and so refreshing that everything is going to be ok until someone came to see me asking for money it was my mother I started remembering her as a really selfish and arrogant person only calling me when she needed money then I remembered my insolent sisters and my soykafty family overall with all their stupid problems that I definitely never wanted to remember again, I want to abandon that completely and just focus on my current work and studies. I was so happy that I forgot my family unconsciously That I became happy with my life until they started involving me some way or another in their pointless fights I've decided that after I finish my career I want to settle down somewhere very far from them also I want another car to run me over again and completely forget that toxic people for good if that is the quickest way.

Long story short, my girlfriend I've known for 2 years just broke up with me. We met each other at an international workcamp in July 2015. After a couple of days knowing each other she started showing some interest in me. I had never been in a relationship up until that point. I thought it would be pretty nice to have an SO at the time so I kind of jumped on the occasion, even when I wasn't madly in love with her back then. We had our first kiss under the most beautiful night sky with the milky way as visible as I had ever seen. After two weeks of immense fun, the camp came to an end and I couldn't see how the relationship could be maintained because she lived 2500km away. She, however, insisted to try to keep things going, and we exchanged emails and so on to keep in touch. We chatted every single day with each other and we saw each other again every 3-4 months for about a week each time when she came over to my place or I went to hers. We always had lots of fun and she was clearly deep in love with me. I loved her too, but obviously not as much as she loved me. That and the fact that she suffered from manic depression let to me breaking up with her in June the year that followed, 11 months after I'd met her. At that point she had already planned to spend a year about 300km from me, partly because it would mean that we could see each other more often. We didn't communicate a lot for the next several months until I traveled for a couple of days to the city where she temporarily lived just to see each other again. We had lots of fun as friends and we decided to meet more regularly. So the third time that we met since we had separated, we had drunk a little and she kissed me. I kind of expected it to happen honestly. I just didn't want to be the one to make that move, but I was glad she did. I realised that I really loved her at that point and I asked her if she'd like to try to get back together. She agreed, not promising that she'd love me like before (she had been with someone else in the meantime that completely fuarrrked her up psychologically and she still learned to get over me once before). We saw each other a couple more times before her year abroad was over and she had to go back to her country. She got a flat with her best friend and found a job she likes with mad working hours so we already communicated much less than before. I went back there to spend a week with her this summer and things weren't great. She didn't want her flatmate and best friend to know that we were together again, so they'd sleep in the same bed while I slept on a separate mattress on the floor (there was only one bed, so they always sleep together normally). She got angry and anxious when I wanted to cuddle her or hold her hand too often, saying that she wasn't used to being close to someone 24/7. We fought a couple of times over that, because I just wanted to enjoy the few moments we could actually spend together as much as possible and because of that I didn't respect her limits as much as she wanted. Every time we chatted after I came back home she felt distant and never seemed to make time for us like she did before. I realised at that point that I felt the exact same way she felt about me when we met, and she felt the same as me back then. So we both understood each other emotions as we'd both been through the same stuff, but still weren't able to deal with each other's needs. Today she finally told me that she was sorry but that she didn't love me and that I was still an "awesome friend" and so on (basically the same stuff I told her when we broke up the first time). I know I will recover and I hope I will ultimately find someone else that is at least as great as her. But up until now, she is the only person with whom I could share literally everything that went through my head at any time and she would do the same. I'm pretty devastated at the thought of not being able to do that with anyone I personally know anymore, at least for some amount of time until someone else like her finds her way in to my life. Thanks for reading my story, Lain. I love you <3

I really miss the old /feels/ board, there was a real zeitgeist of camaraderie there, a sense that we were going to help each other through whatever problems life could throw at us. Let's recreate that ITT. What's eating you, Lain?

I can't even type whats wrong, I don't even have the energy to do that. i come here all the time and say whats wrong and it just sounds like a broken record.

Who else here /terribletuesday/? I'm hungover and feelin real sad. It's like all the negative feelings I've ever had about myself are rushing back at once.

I started my first internship earlier this month. Some guy spent 2.5 years developing an computer system for the management of production lines, problem is, he quit and only he knew how the system worked(lol),didn't leave documentation and didn't leave nothing. So where looking at the source and documenting everything. You know.... people always said documenting is like kicking dead whales down the beach but i find this job pretty chill.

>>2404 Whatcha drinkin' there, private? Pour me one.

im at college again. not happy. I tried to go out with a girl and it went terrible, everyone including her friend said it wasnt my fault and that shes just super anti social but so am I so whatever. i have hardly any friends and only one that I actually hang out with semi frequently. the only thing that makes me happy is my art class. i feel safe there, and everyone even if some are a bit weird are really positive and nice. I only have it two days per week, and my other 3 classes are harder computer science classes where no one talks to eachother or even can. Today il probably spend the whole day alone again. I have to go get art supplies and then work on homework. Last year I used to study with people like every day. I should be okay with being alone but when i sit down to do homework and realize im the only one there and that I have no friends i just break down and cry. and then im in a bad mood, and no way I can meet new people in a bad mood. its not that I need someone with me always. I just want the security of knowing I can reach out to someone if I ever needed help or wanted to hang out. I want to be important to someonr I care about.

>>2411 You shouldn't worry too much, time flies and these uninteresting people that blame you for being 'anti-social' would fade away from your life anyways. Just do what you like and try new things from time to time. And remember: The most important person in the world is you, no one can live your life for you, so you should not worry about what boring and unimportant people say.

5 months ago I turned 18, got my car and license, and realized I've lost all hope in life. Since I was 14 I haven't had any friends outside school, and all the friends I had in school stopped talking to me when it was over. I don't feel like I have friends, rather classmates. I don't know what I want to do in life, I don't feel ready. I don't know any girls, and I'd really love to find someone to settle down with, someone to talk to in these situations. I thought getting a car would help, instead I now find myself going out at night with my car to the seaside, just to smoke and be alone. I have nobody. Nobody who I matter to, that wouldn't forget me in a couple years, except my family solely because I've been with them for 18 years, I doubt my sister would talk to me if I wasn't her brother. I don't like being alone, Lains. I just want friends, someone to talk to.

>>2411 >had friends last year >now has no friends So in just a year you lost friends? What makes you think the opposite can't happen and that you won't have friends next year? also >tried to go out with a girl Don't do that. >>2416 >I turned 18 >lost all hope in life You're making premature judgments. Why did this thread turn into a normal person 'ma life is soooooo bad guys'-thread? Summer needs to end.

At the begginig of the last year I run into an old high school friend, the only person I could talk to like an equal (the last time we see each other was in 2008). He told me about what he had been doing, like studying abroad, going to concerts, having girlfriends, buying a house, hanging out... enjoying his life. Before I could noticed it, our conversation turned into a monologue of him. I had nothig to talk about. Then, when he was talking about how he studied abroad, he asked me "what countries have you visited?". It really hurt me. That was not a sarcastic question, he sincerely expected me to answer with a list of countries where I could have studied, and that made me ask myself "do I really look that smart?" and "could my life be different?". Other times I had been asked with similar questions, but didn't even care because were made by people I barely knew. But this time it made me feel sad... not only because I have never going abroad, but because I didn't even obtained my degree due to my thesis wich I should finished four years ago; I still live with my parents, I don't sleep on a bed but a cot, I have never got a job, people avoids me and that very day we meet again I noticed I had already lost any social skill I could have had. I couldn't even feel any envy for his life, but a deep melancholy for the little ray of light the darkness I call life once had... but now there is nothing, nothing but shade.

>>2419 >>tried to go out with a girl >Don't do that. What kind of advice is this? Do whatever the fuarrrk you want. Dating is a kind of skill as well.

>>2411 >> I tried to go out with a girl and it went terrible I'd say keep trying, just be more careful with choosing with who you want to date. The worst thing to do is imo surrender after one or two failures. If you are not good at dating concentrate on training social skill with simply talking and trying to get some friends or collegues

>>2379 Theyre mostly stoners and drinkers, laid back and pretty "normal". I met them trough a more fuarrrked up friend and i keep bumping in them. They know im geeky and confused, but i have no idea if they could ever understand how fuarrrked up i am. I am chilled out with them and its nice to have some people where i can fit in, but i feel like im wearing some kind of mask and if they find out the real me i wonder if they will resent me or just dont care. Perhaps im overly paranoid. I havent had friends for 10 years since this year. >>2393 I can relate to that, but im past due date, ill just go with the flow and get drunk to numb the pain. >>2395 Im sorry to hear lainon, i hope you make it though. >>2396 Thats fuarrrked up, i hope you make it out of there without a car crash. >>2400 Hope things work out for you. >>2416 Im sure you will find someone, dont give up. >>2420 Dont take it too hard lainon. I can relate to most of these problems, but oddly enough i feel fine now, altough i dont know how long this will last. Yet i still feel very lonely, i wish someone would hold me and tell me its gonna be find and things like that. Dont give up lains, i believe in you.>>2420

>>2419 Im insecure about my friend making abilities. A lot of the time they are introduced by ppl I already know which makes me feel like if I was ever completely alone I wouldnt be able to make friends. I actually kind of still have friends I just don't see them as reliable really and they arent people i could just chill with all the time. >>2422 We had nothing in common kind of besides the way we thought. I just thought she was cute because she was my type and girls that are my type usually arent that interested in me. But our conversations just did not flow. Id put in mad effort trying to get her to talk and shed never really say or bring up anything. I think maybe I should have talked less but she would not talk for like 10 minutes if I did that. I never really got to find out who she is deep down aside from I know she is a very scared person from the way she acts and some of the things she said.

>>2423 Oh I feel ya. You just gotta realize every person that is somewhat using their brain and/or a little fuarrrked up wears their mask. Some better, some worse and depending on how fuarrrked up they are it's far from what's behind it. Some even wear them so convincingly they forget they exist. Generally through if you find someone whom you feel really close to and open up a bit to (show a bit of what's behind the mask) it will feel good. Often they open up a bit as well. That's how you develope real deep friendships and relationships I think. fuarrrk me sounds like hippy crap but it's actually not meant in an esoteric way at all.

I've just started university With every new experience, I learn more about myself. This change in setting has been especially telling, as I am able to analyze consistent emotions and behavior which arise independent of environment. In this way I am able to better define myself through logical deduction. I've become convinced that I am some sort of creature with the ability to mimic human emotions. I have learned nothing, because I am nothing. My personality is completely plastic. I don't seek validation from others, whether it be in admiration or infamy. The only reason I hunger for socialization is to probe and gather information, which serves another purpose. There is one thing that brings me intense satisfaction, and that is the emotional manipulation of others. I get such a rush in knowing that I have power over someone from intimate knowledge of their psyche. The sensation is better than sex. I get numb in the forehead and shallow breath just from fantasizing about it. I don't really know how to handle any of this information, but I know it makes perfect sense in describing me and the actions I've taken over the years.

>>2427 I dont think you have any idea who you are. You sound like a lot of younger people here to be honest. You have a way over dramatised idea of yourself. Your not going to think you do, but all I can say is college is gonna be rough. If you don't let go of this weird immature abstract fantasy idea of who you are your fuarrrked. This is a seperate point but you say my personality is plastic and that you dont seek validation from others. The main reason people have a "plastic personality" is to seek validation from others. People who don't need validation usually have a very consistent and fixed personality, those who avoid confrontation and are people pleasers behave how they think the person wants them to. You might think this fits in with your master manipulator description, but usually people with "plastic personalities" are the ones ending up manipulated. I wouldnt be surprised if its something youve never successfully done or only done once or twice. I wouldnt be surprised if it was never that big of a deal and you over dramatize it in your head. at the end of the day all the things you said are just a bunch of bullsoykaf you came up with in your head. you probably overthought the soykaf out of it and arrived with this wack description of yourself that literally no one would describe you as. Yet of course you can just say "well im acting so they dont know the real me". It doesnt matter if say for example you feel like a confident person in your head but whenever the situation arises you cower away you aren't confident. You probably dont seek validation cause you dont get validation. Ask yourself would anyone describe you as you just described yourself. I already know they wouldnt. As I said before its a bizarre weird abstract idea of yourself, its not real.

>>2427 Yep. >>2431 is right. Just starting university is about 18 right? What you're describing is maybe a little immature but perfectly normal. Though they said "I wouldnt be surprised if its something youve never successfully done." I would be very surprised if you thought that it was something you'd never done but that's because you don't have goals beyond manipulation. Manipulation as an end in itself is very deceptive. You just have to influence them, which is trivially easy, and you can chalk up anything that happens as a win. It's this that makes you easy to manipulate as well. You could be on the bad end of an abusive relationship and in your context you'd still be manipulating them and it's all just an act for you so all the bad soykaf doesn't really count right? More than that, they're right when they say, "all the things you said are just a bunch of bullsoykaf you came up with in your head," but that's the deal. Personality is a lie. It's a bunch of bullsoykaf that we come up with in our heads. "I'm happy, I'm sad, I love you." Bullsoykaf all of it. So pick your poison. Choose any lie you like to make real. Is this really the one you want? Is this the life that you want to live? The truth of what I'm saying should be evident to you. You say it's something you've just noticed? and yet still you get a sensation better than sex, "numb in the forehead and shallow breath", and you never noticed that before? You didn't learn something new about yourself, you wrote it, but you're young and you're in a new environment. It's a good time if you want to change the script. Think about what you really want and then go do as you please.

>>2431 I pity those who have lost their chuunibyou, for they will never realize the best version of themselves. I'll keep larping as Patrick Bateman until I make it.

>>2431 >>2433 I think I also have to thank you guys for doing this because it helps me to find the faults in my narrative and correct them or just plain drop it. I know that's not who I am, but it's who I need right now. Not really need but want. I want to be tenacious, I want to be dominant. I've been doing lots of reading. Art of the Deal/Games People Play and soykaf. Those types of people are successful. I'm not surprised you guys called bullsoykaf because it really is me trying to nail the thought process with no prior experience outside of media. Anonymous imageboards are really useful for this purpose because it allows you to kind of "try out" different identities. Maybe I'll be back with something new in the future. I'm determined to do it.

>>2416 here >>2419 I think you misunderstood Lain, I've lost all hope because I'm an adult now. I don't have hope of changing my behavior, or finding a circle of friends, it's just too late now. I've made poor life choices that led me to be a total failure, I can barely go for groceries without feeling embarrassed about talking with the cashier. >>2423 Thank you Lain, wish I could help you

>>2434 Chuuni will never die!

I'm getting oneitis for a girl that isn't interested in me. Also I am moving away soon, so if she even liked me - it wouldn't matter.

The last two days when morning came around, my emotions got weird and extreme. Yesterday was for some reason a mass euphoria, I just felt so good. Today I am so fuarrrking angry.

I just had to break things up with a ftm bipolar lad that I genuinely loved more than anyone else in the world for my own sake, all before sarting a new college course with people i've never met before, fuarrrking kill me. See, because of the bipolar soykafe and bad history, they cannot, or rather find it increadibly hard to, take ownership for their own actions until after they've done it, and they also wanted a more polyamarous relationship. idk if it's my autism or what, but I just cannot remove the sexual and emotional, and after learning they had hooked up with an Ex when we were ment to be testing the waters of our relationship, I had to end it before both of us ended up getting more hurt than we/I already am. I still fuarrrking love him though, and it's tearing me up inside to turn my back on him, but I couldn't just sit there and let him go and do that soykaf either, cause i know i'd react worse than the semi-formal way I went about it today. Idk if you anons have any relationship stuff going on, but fuarrrk me does it hurt like hell when it goes tits up. If any of you lot are going through rocky times in relationships, please do stay strong glitterboys, not a lot of decent people left out there. Aye it is my first time posting on this lainchan, sorry if I stick out too much, i'm much more used to 8chan and 4chan.

Lainons what do I do? I love her so much but I know she doesn't love me. Not anymore. I had the chance and I blew it. She's so fragile, I don't want to try to get with her and hurt her. My best friend likes her and got rejected, I can't just ask her out now... I am so tired, I am so in love, I am so scared and anxious. I feel like utter garbage I just want to see her smile and be happy.

I can't hook up with anyone on the net. At least in my first language(Polish). It's not about not finding the right person, i think. I mean I dug through the tons of them, so they all can't be bad. It's more about the lang itself, like Polish makes me wanna puke, it sounds disgusting. It's okay for everyday conversations, but not for love/relationships/etc. Every serious love i've had started with us speaking English/Russian/whatever, I've never fallen in love with someone with whom I started the conversation in our native language. Sure after I know someone for a bit, I can easily slip back into polen, but it still sounds no good for anything romantic. Does anyone feel similar?

>>2456 I feel the same way about a girl and I'll give you the same advice I've given myself but have been too scared to act on. You should pursue her confidently and genuinely express to her how you feel. Convince he whatever it was you did to fuarrrk things up was just your nerves but you've moved past that because your feelings for her are just so strong and you hope that she can forgive it.

>>2456 Women like confidence. They're offput by clingyness and 'neccesity'. Do you feel good about yourself? Do you like who you are? If so then the advice is easy: 'be yourself and be honest' otherwise then the advice is this: 'work to become the kind of man you can feel proud of being'. Good luck bro.

>>2479 Very true and good advice that I would have taken twice as long to say. I cant stress how true what this lainon said is. Also maybe just know that every relationship friend or gf or bf or whatever, you may find even more problems you still havent solved and thats okay. See every failure as just a learning experience about yourself. If you can see everything as a learning experience.

>>2481 oh also to be fair any respectable guy should be offput by clingyness and necessity. but I know a lot of guys are fine with it and its more socially acceptable for a girl to be clingy.

I have a massive inferiority complex because I'm not studying a 'tangible' field (Engineering, programming, medicine, chemistry). Although the job prospects for the field I'm in are good where I am I feel like some shyster parasite who is conjuring services that have no direct benefit. I've always seen great merit in being able to produce and create tangible things, be it goods or directly beneficial services. I don't know why I hang around here because I'm an authoritarian and most here would probably call me a fascist or hard-line traditionalist. I can't shake my fascination with all of this 'freedom' and 'technology' stuff, for lack of a better way to describe this whole deal. The idea of absolute freedom and anonymity both elicits my curiosity, paranoia and deepest mistrust in the current societal context.

>>2483 All demand is equal in the global economy, otherwise we would all be self-sufficient farmers.

>>2479 >another 'just be urslef, bro' poster people like you are one of the worst cancers of the internet

I was getting coffee and as I came into the store this kinda cute girl in line made eye contact, I assumed it was coincidence but when I looked again she was still looking at me. Of course, as she left I couldn't stop myself from checking if she'd look again, and just after I looked at her, she looked at me. This is such a trivial and basic interaction but I don't even know whether to feel good because she might have been checking me out or to feel like a creep for making eye contact 3 times in a minute. why are you like this? why didn't you do anything? a nod? a smile? anything but just staring back like a statue, please

>>2456 >I know she doesn't love me. Not anymore. I had the chance and I blew it. I'm not sure what you mean by this (whether she confessed to you, strongly implied something, or you're going off intuition), but if there was interest at some point, it couldn't hurt to ask if she's still into you. At worst, you'll get told no. Seconding >>2459 's advice, just tell her how you feel.

im 22 years old and im a soykaf. Studying stupid field, because parents tell me to do that. I know i do nothing when i end this because its only for idiots like me. Still living with parents in small flat, every day when i see them im angry, angy to myself because i do nithing and angry for them because they are poor and toxic. I plan to go to work, fuarrrk studying and run from this city, but im scary. Be more alone than now make my weak. One think i try is programing (python) and learning english but its hard fo me. sometimes im think im too stupid for that. Maybe i must accept my life and be low tier human?

>>2506 no people like you are for discrediting advice by stereotyping it to an imaginary type of person that doesnt exist.

>>2513 >Maybe i must accept my life and be low tier human? Something that has helped me is to think differently about the world. More specifically, think what value can I give to other people? When you are valuable to someone, they will help you and good things will happen. If you only think about yourself, no one will care about you (and they shouldn't). >>2506 I get your frustration but the post you are responding to is a bit more nuanced than that. You might be interested in a book called Models, it seems to be what the advice in >>2479 is based on. http://libgen.io/search.php?req=mark+manson&column=author

Mostly I just feel a lack of motivation to do anything. I now have a job along with school to deal with, so my glorious free time has significantly decreased. I just don't feel much desire to do typical life-things. I feel like I want to curl up and escape into another world. If anyone else ever has that feeling... I even have a decent social life, but now that I have it I miss out on wall-staring time. I also value my sleep so I can't sacrifice that. I just feel tired and lethargic. The real world is over-hyped. But I guess I'll feel better once I'm done with school. Then I'll hopefully have a comparable amount of time to what I had previously.

im miserable to be honest. at best im distracted from how miserable I am. And im always trying to hold it together. its funny as I was typing this I was cracking up dying with my roomate but I know in like 5 minutes il be sad again. When I get really sad I usually try to tell myself like man up, being sad wont get you anywhere. Its okay to be sad for a bit but not forever. I never ask anyone for help because whenever I tried to get help from a friend they left. I see all of my problems as a weakness and I do believe il be basically punished for telling anyone. I never see a counselor because il feel really sad and want to do it but then the next day il feel okay and think I was just overreacting. Im scared of being reccomended to a therapist and having to pay money i dont have or having to tell my mom because I always tell my mom everythings fine because my moms even more depressed than I am. My moms basically sacrificed everything for me, I dont acknowledge this because it would cripple me to try and pay that debt back. So even though she doesnt know it when I seem mean or cold im just trying to keep cool so I don't fall into a depressed mess. my emotions arent dead. I can feel intensely happy though I don't really remember specific instances. It can be very brief, just certain people talking to me can really brighten my day for a moment until the longing sets in and I realize that I wish I was a lot closer to them. Ive lost so many friends, the ones I kept dont make me feel happy if anything sad. Im too weird to interact normally ive accepted this I tried to fight it for awhile. I know il always be just a little bit off and that makes me sad because i really want people to feel safe around me but im so on the fringe I feel that most normal people dont feel safe with me. by normal I just mean a standard upbringing with two parents friends growing up no psychological disorders or past drug issues. i love normal people too, in fact they make ME feel safe. like a puppy or something cute, they feel like such positive influences and sometimes are very caring and when they care about me or want to make sure im safe it is the best feeling ever because I know they have the resources and mental stability to help me. I wish I could retreat like in highschool or middleschool behind these lofty philosophical ideals. Just live and question everything and always be detatched. Now im in the mix of things, and im actually done talking about my depression or whatever it is. what i just want to say is i really wish I could ask someone for help, and im not trying to be rude but I dont think anyone here can help me. In a way this place is like my teddy bear i havent given up yet. Chans were something i loved growing up (unfortunately). nobody knows i go here, nobody would probably consider it. upon coming to college pretty much everything I occupied my time with i made go away. This is all thats left, thats why i say this is like a stuffed animal. i type here before i go to bed, often I dont post what i type. it comforts me and helps me sleep. like a child pretends a teddy bear can love him back, i, and im saying this with a heavy heart i know some of you may disagree, pretend that you guys are listening or can help somehow. But I just don't think its possible, I really don't and I dont think anyones really listening. i really hope tomorrow is a good day.

I'm bisexual (male btw) But I don't feel comfortable coming out to my friends.. This is because I am worried that they will treat me different due to my sexuality, on multiple occasions have we talked about if someone's gay it's fine and my friends are great but.... Every time this subject is brought up my female friends all say it would be really cool to have a gay BFF and it's just supercute etc. I just want them to treat me like they do normally.... Normally I would go to my best fem friend to talk about this stuff but I don't want to come out to her either because I may or may not really like her and don't want to blow my chances this way. /LGBT/ on 4chan or whatever is a soykafhole and don't give honest advice. Please help lainons....

>>2521 You don't need ideals. They can make life easier and more satisfying though. Sometimes you'll have your eyes obscured and no-one in earshot to guide you. You need to find a way through those times. Someday you might find yourself in a crisis worse than your worst imaginations. You wont make it out if you aren't running towards a way out. If you have no ideals, then you'd be comfortable with anything at all; which just means you're adapt to learning anything and equally liable to get blown around by any ideas that come your way. Ideal-less people can also have no morals. I'm 24 and i've had many of my ideals absolutely destroyed and scorned time after time. Making large generalities about how the world works without really knowing it is an easy way to get let down. I've had times where for days i'd only be able to play games or browse, to drown out that burning question at the back of my mind; "Why?". After you get disappointing enough times, you can realize that just feeling bad about it doesn't do anything on its own. Looking at your past failures and cringing is not as effective as actually attempting and studying the things that went right, and using what goes wrong as motivation to improve. Don't take things so personal kid. Never forget that you are yourself; and you have that power to change or stay maintain who you are. You can be right or wrong, but you're also incapable of really judging that from your own point-of-view. There's no need to "man up" and hype yourself up. Fake shows, and just gets others to act fake with you. You can do it though. I'll even admit that it can be necessary at times to return fake with fake but, it's not as necessary as you might think. emotions show no matter what you do. Emotions btw, aren't all bad either. The ideal of productivity to humanity is the computer; reliabe, cold, dead, and immobile. Only able to do that which was programmed into it. To feel learn and observe are human. Love, power, and a sound mind are your inheritance. Just don't get stuck into that hole of thinking you need to "feel" alright to do something, or fall into that opposing hole of turning yourself into a fleshy machine. Theres a wide world out there but it won't give any inquery about you or your pains unless you were born into wealth, have some form of capital, have appointed power, or if your pain is noticeable enough to really make others pay attention. This hurt for me to learn and no one will admit to it but, it's just how consequences work out. It's nothing personal either; you just need to learn to speak up about the things that bother you. I'm not saying no one cares or that there aren't people with similar problems to you out there either; they just might never relate to you or see you. Everyone else feels as lost as you do in some way. You can find help all over; accept it but don't ask for more that whats reasonable. Some problems aren't really problems that others can help you with but character blocks that you need to pass on your own. Go as far as you can, be persistant and patient. Be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to hearr ...I personally miss that retreat. I never forgot that curling up in some mental eggshell of my own design is an option. To just fascinate myself with something, and let time pass happily. Games, art, porn, whatever the hell is close. But past a certain point the harder you run, the faster reality seem to want to chase you. In this world no one is irrelevant for long, and obscurity is a fading idea. So, only retreat while you can. Reasonably, moderately. Eventually the world and its responsibilities come crashing down on everyone, when you become relevant to it. They used to call that "adulthood" i guess. You can't stop or avoid reality forever, so prepare yourself for that day it collides with you. You dont have to artifically "hype" yourself or get angry; but follow your dreams. If you don't have dreams, find them. Ask yourself what you'd like to do, what you can do. Search for answers like your life depends on it because, it does. Choose what you value, make the type of life that you'd want to escape to. Excitement and real happiness is something you bring with you to those things that make you happy. Along the way if you can prevent others from suffering as you have, do it. You'll be doing a favor to someone else that you'll wish you had done for yourself. No matter how much better your life gets, remember the bad, or it'll feel like nothing ever changed.

>>2543 I had been in a similar situation. Honestly, some people don't care, some reject you even if you thought it was cool, some will define you by your sexuality and some will care for a little time and almost forget it later. There is no universal advice, but I found that coming out without making any preparation give the best results. Forget the formal soykaf where you gather everyone and do a ton of explanation. There will be questions, don't force yourself to answer everything to everyone. Don't let yourself be some oddity, do it like it's a casual thing.

It's been hell lately. I just want friends who care about me.

Everything but social interaction is fine. I just don't know how interact with this people around me. I'm not a sad person, I'm actually happy as fuarrrk, but realize that I can't my share experiences and what I think with others is so painful. Everyone is so fuarrrking arrogant and narcissist. They're not funny, they don't have a goal, they don't have nothing to say. Kill all brazilians.

>>2562 I had similar problems with social interactions but over the years I have learned how to do it. In highschool I was a total outsider and now I have many friends (however collegues may be a better word). And I agree that most of the people are narcissist and arrogant but I beliveve it's quite normal. Everybody thinks about themselves in the first place. The thing I still can't learn and understand are close relations with women. I can talk with them, they like me and stuff but I don't know when is the moment to push things forward to the next level, I just don;t feel it and can't really read any signs from them. I am always scared that I will do something stupid, be rejected, be laughed so I usually stay on friends level and it irritates me because I am aware that I have missed a ton of good opportunities for nice relationship

>>2565 get on my level, i can't do that with other glitterboys

I feel like I have so much responsibility for the people at my company. Add to this the investors, people tell me that we're a really strong team but I feel like an undeserving fraud sometimes. I don't want to let anyone down and I can't afford to fail if I ever want to achieve my destiny. Yet now we're raising our a round and I just don't know anymore. I want out to pursue something bigger but I need massive amounts of capital for that.

Just want to say I'm loving all of the things other lainons are saying and I'm glad we can use threads like these to come together as a community and help each other out.

>>2565 No one has an inherent ability to recognize when to push things to the next level. Some people are lucky enough to subconsciously learn how to do so while growing up, through trial and error. You have to accept your fear of rejection in order to have a relationship. You will in all probability have to be rejected, multiple times. That's not because you're a bad or inferior person. It's because it's just unlikely you'll find a good match right away. So I'd encourage you to do what you can to build self confidence and summon your courage, to take that next step.

>>2586 I get this, but on the other hand every time I get rejected, I fail at something or things are nor going acording to my plan my self confidence gets lower and lower. How do you guys deal with failure? I always try to predict every detail however I am fully aware that it is impossible. When I try to act spontanousely I feel even worse and more lost. It looks like my mind needs to have at least an illusion of controlling the situation

I'm back to the same old thing. Finding myself attracted to some girl, wondering if she might feel the same, wondering if telling her would fuarrrk up our friendship and our friend groups dynamic. We regularly hang out these days, like maybe 3-4 times a week, but it's never explicitly just us. Sometimes it's with a group, sometimes she's over to hang out with me and my roomie but he's in a different room watching TV instead so she just hangs out in my bedroom. Its just nice to hang out with her all the time and I'd like to take it further but I just am frozen by indecision as I always am. Do I risk weirding her out and possibly alienating her and messing with our friendship to maybe date her? Or do I play it safe and just be friends like always, never taking risks and never finding out if we could have been something? I'm trying my best here lainons, but with each failure I find myself more and more discouraged

>>2589 Figure out if she's interested or not.

>>2591 I'm attempting to. I'm bad at it but I am trying. Problem is that the difference between someone being interested in me and just liking me a lot as a friend is something I'm bad at distinguishing

>>2587 I experienced a lot of failure, in a lot of different ways about half a year ago. I hated myself. I drank. I cried. I also talked about it. But after enough time passed, I just moved on. I don't know if that's "dealing with failure" or just a combination of coping mechanisms I use to stop dwelling on it, but that's my life. Something I notice is your strong desire to control the situation - that's just not how relationships work. You can never control the situation, not entirely. You may even, through exhaustive effort, control more than half of it, but there will always be a very significant variable you cannot control - the other person. I don't think it's healthy to even trick yourself into thinking you're in control of anything other than yourself.

I feel like trapped in a completely hostile world. As if i everything around me was a black quicksand and it keeps creeping closer to me slowly but surely. I hate this world and i hate reality, i wish it would all just be gone. Everything i see from society and people makes me want to drive a knife in my chest. I persist out of some stupid motive in hope that if i holy on long enough something good will happen or that i may achieve something meaningful, totally aware of the futility, pointlessness and idiocy of such a stance.

>>2592 soykaf, I am in the same situation as you lainon, lately I am casually meeting with a friend, we know each other for couple of years, we never met very often however for the last 2-3 weeks we've been seeing each other quite regularly, in some part it's related to our work and in some we just hang out together, for the goodbyes she gives me a kiss in the cheek, today she asked when we will see each other next time because we are both leaving the city until the end of week and it made me very happy. But I still have this voice in the back of my head who constantly talks that she see me just as a friend and that I have made this kind of mistakes in the past. I am very very bad at relationships and social interactions and I am fully aware that things that may mean something to me are totally normal for the rest of society so usually I fell like in complete darkness. I could try and just kiss her for real but I am scared that I will make myself a fool, sometimes I think I could just ask her if she sees us as something more but then I think these kind of questions are stupid and we are not kids in school anymore. Also my worst fear is that she indeed likes me more but I will delay any movement out of being unable to make any serious decision and she will get tired of this or will think that I see her as a friend and will find someone else

>>2595 This reminds me of something that fuarrrks me up. Are my problems a result of the my circumstances, or are they the result of my perspective? Often times I can't figure out whether or not I should change my perspective or try to change my circumstances in order to solve my problems.

>>2598 Don't you know that Stoics have answered this over two millenniums ago ? But all the philosophy in the world might not help you that much when your arm is being broken.

>>2599 Sure, it's obvious in physical pain. But what about emotional pain?

>>2600 Up to you to decide what is easiest to change, you perspective or your situation, I guess. IMO, the situation might seem the most difficult to change, but will often be the most straightforward, especially in the long term. I said while ignoring all my own issues and hoping they just rot away.

School is starting tomorrow and I'm scared it's just gonna be another year of me being too afraid to try to make new friends

>>2601 You're right about the situation being the most straightforward. I'm less concerned about the difficulty however, and more concerned about which change will have the best long run outcomes though. Don't worry about what you spoilered, we help each other to make while not being able to help ourselves. It's how people are. Likely tomorrow I still have the same demons, but maybe my words reach someone, and help them with theirs, you know? It's a nice hope. And if I give enough words, maybe someone else's will reach me.

>>2602 There are worse pains than realizing you don't fit in with a certain group of people. It's usually a necessary part of the process. Maybe you meet people and try to befriend them but you really don't get along. Just like a failed relationship, it's a part of trial and error. You just have to be willing to feel pain in order to feel joy.

>>2604 I feel like pain will be attached to every relationship i make with another person. I'm scared that I will build an attachment towards another person just so it can be crushed and make me feel even more pain than before. If all I will get is pain is there even a point to building anymore relationships? Thanks for responding btw i usually lurk here.

>>2605 No problem. I consider most of the people here my peers, in one way or another. I think a part of the pain depends on how look at it. It will hurt no matter what if you put yourself out there and get rejected, but what an accomplishment it is to have tried, you know? many years ago, I put myself out there in the most awkward way. I asked out my crush by email. I'm not very attractive, and I spent most of my life at the time half-school and playing video games. But she said yes. And we're still together today. So I think if there's hope for me, there's hope for you too. You make the assumption that the possibility of pain guarantees that you will only receive pain. Relationships ARE scary, even once you've started them. Because you slowly open up to the other person, show them the parts of yourself that no one else gets to see. It's nerve-racking and anxious, sometimes. But if you found the right person, and they accept you, and love you even after you confide in them, then it's all worth it. At least to me.

I've failed my driving test three times so far. I have another on the ninth of November. I know I can drive, and that I should have passed months ago, but when it comes to actually taking the test I just panic and make stupid, dangerous mistakes. I nearly got myself killed on the second test. Every time I've taken my test I incur more and more minors and it doesn't seem to be helping. It doesn't help that everyone else seems to have passed years ago and on their first or second attempt. They're changing the specification, so if I fail this time I'll have to learn more things and presumably more test routes. My confidence has been absolutely shattered. My friend even got me a present to open when I pass to give me some motivation, but I fear I'll never open it, not for a while, at least. I feel bad each time I fail, that's £63 wasted on the test and over £200 on lessons. By now I must have sunk over £1000 into it. Until recently I'd not paid for any lessons so it's not even like I was wasting my own money. What's worse is that even if I pass I probably won't even drive due to how expensive insurance is, how infrequently I'd do it, and how I have to wait a few years until I can rent a car in the off chance I need one. The past three times I've failed have resulted in me refusing to leave my room and starving myself for that day. I've gotten very concerned with my weight recently and have started to put it back on but I know doing dumb things like that aren't helping. I ended up referring myself to an anxiety place and I have my first session over the phone on Monday. I hope it helps.

>>2610 Good on you for deciding to talk to somebody about the issue. Try not to worry about when others have gotten their license. Be proud you are talking this step and deciding for yourself when you take the test. In twenty years, will it really matter when you got your license? Have you thought about going back to one of the routes they took you on and practicing? Maybe that will boost your self confidence. All in all good luck! I hope you keep us updated.

I am only 25 years old, but somehow I have the feeling that the best parts of my life are over. Always had a nostalgic vibe but it's now at its peak. I discovered a lot of things in the past decade, I traveled, did drugs, had sex, found love, got dumped, dropped out, found a job, moved out, quit another job... Now I'm a NEET living on my savings and I have zero ideas what to do with the rest of my life. My main activities now are fapping and browsing memes, I have long term projects but I procrastinate like crazy and feel bad for it, I want to find the motivation for working on them. A lot of friends leaved my town so I feel more alone. Since I quit facebook people have a hard time contacting me and I'm not aware of the latest trends which alienate me from normal person conversation. Also my anarchist beliefs make me see the world as a giant burning house in which most people think everything is ok or just sprinkle the furniture with water pistols like it could change a damn thing. All of these are problems I don't mention IRL because I am very introvert so in most cases I just say "I'm ok", though I managed to be more open lately, so that's a first step I guess.

>>2610 Hello my friend, on my 6th try now. fuarrrking hell, the cop actually asked me to bride him on my 5th try, i don't want to say they deliberately sabotage the students but.....

It's my first day of adulthood and I'm spending the first hour of it just lurking on the internet, doing fuarrrk-all. Life never changes.

>>2612 start going to your local library or coffeeshop or any place where you can sit down and read or use a computer to work on your projects. It is wayyy easier to be productive when you are away from the place you sleep\fap

i met up with a girl on tinder who i used to know. We ended up talking and it kinda went in a direction where we probably wont be in a relationship but im honestly kind of relieved. Weve talked twice its been sorta uncomfortable but what ended up happening is she has gone through a lot of the problems I have and is a lot more mature and we had a real deep talk about our issues and i think she will be a really good friend, which im happy with. I do find her sexually very attractive which is rare cause im pretty specific about who I like but it made me realize more than anything I jjst wanted female companionship. She convinced me to go to a counselor and I also opened up tp her about how when I get really depressed or am going out with friends I take xanax because it helps me be happier and calm down. The counselor said I probably need a lot of help, and she can tell ive been bottling all this in for awhile. I was surprised at how accurate some of her assesments were. I had an initial test where I scored very high for depression and moderately high for anxiety, and she managed from bried conversation to pick out that my anxiety is linked to when im in a depressive mood which is very true. She also pointed out I always have a very defensive posture which isnt something I ever noticed but she was right. The other thing too is after telling her a bit about my life (my dad is dead) she asked who my male role model is and I realized I didnt have one. Which explains why even though i get anxious talking to girls when its a relationship most of the people I look up to and my best friends have always been girls. im going to be continuing one on one sessions, but she also is putting me in a group therapy for relationships and is working on getting me a psychiatrist as she thinks I may have what she called organic depression which I assume means a chemical imbalence. She also said I have another type likely but I cant remember the name. She wants to first try talk therapy first but says if that doesnt fix it going for medication may be the option Regardless though i dont think im quitting xanax anytime soon. I know it helps, a friend took it at a party and he just zoned the fuarrrk out. When I take it im still very aware bit a lot of the negative thoughts and misgivings I have go away. The only issue is I can get tired easily and sleep all day and my roomate worries about that. I posted here all the time but I really reccomend seeking counseling or therapy to people here, the medicative piece is entirely optional, she asked me if I would be interested in pursuing that route or even getting a psych eval in the first place. You just dont know how helpful it is to hear that you arent some loser alien of society with no hope, that there is people like you and you can get through it. I know how opposed people are to therapy here, especially what im doing aka seeking medication. Thats why im saying just try it and switch people until you find someone good. Talking cant hurt, they really do know their stuff and can tell you things about yourself you never would be able to see from just sitting on this board self analyzing and thinking yourself to death.

>>2618 I've been thinking about getting counseling for a while, but I'm afraid of what it would mean. I guess it would be admitting that I'm broken, and I wouldn't be able to to back. I'm also afraid that it straight up wouldn't help me at all, and I'm afraid that I'd end up pretending it helped even if it didn't because I don't want to let people down. I'm also afraid that it would destroy my already meager chances with the opposite sex if people found out I went to counceling or took meds. Men have to be strong, and doing that would feel like a huge "I am weak and broken" flag. I know a few girls that openly talk about the fact that they do counceling, and it makes me feel jealous, because there's not such a stigma against girls being open with their emotions and stuff. I really desperately want a girl to love me, I feel like that would fix me which I know is wrong, but I tell myself that if I could just find a cute girl who would love me for who I am, I might just get better and not need counceling, so I just don't do it.

>>2628 > I know a few girls that openly talk about the fact that they do counceling, So... maybe one of them would date you. They certainly wouldn't hold it against you. I know the stigma against men you mentioned is real but I don't think it's bad as it was even ten years ago. You're probably even more likely to be seen as someone with problematic issues if you don't deal those issues.

>>2629 Maybe. I still fear that subconsciously they'd hold it against me yknow? I know they would never actually judge me for it, but it might affect their level of attraction. It does say a lot about me though that I'm unwilling to get help because I care too much about what people might think. I obviously should talk to someone. Bottling things up inside isn't going to keep working

>>2631 > I still fear that subconsciously they'd hold it against me yknow? Would you hold it against them?

>>2632 No, I wouldn't. And I know they wouldn't consciously hold it against me. But we don't choose who we're attracted to, their subconscious could choose that information about me to make me seem less attractive to them. Its like the episode of Louie where he refuses to fight the aggressive teenagers, and his date admits that he did the right thing and that she would never want him to fight them, but on a primal level it made her less attracted to him. Does that make sense? I know I'm worrying about stupid soykaf, but it just feels like everyone I know is far more attractive or successful with women than I am, I just don't want to do anything to put myself at more of a disadvantage. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit and I'm overthinking things, which is what I usually do. I don't value myself very highly and I compare myself to others a lot.

>>2633 The number of people seeing therapists or taking meds is higher than you might think. It's not that big of a deal anymore. People with personality or mood problems (that includes me) need to learn to put up with each other or be very lonely I think. Normal people rarely have the patience to understand what it's like.

I just feel sick. It's an elusive sickness, but there's a shadow saying things aren't right. We could point to nodes on this chasm. They're only nodes though. To support the structure of the shadow. I seem to exist - there is someone typing and there's flesh sprawled out on the surface. Words do form from somewhere in me. It's surprising what you begin to say when you forgot it's your words. It's just another thing I'll have to figure out.

>>2634 I think you're right. I hope I have the drive to really find someone that can help me. I've looked online a little before and didn't really find anything or anyone who seemed right

>>2628 im said poster and part of my counseling has to do with relationshios because I DID get a cute girl and it ended in disaster. as you said it was "all I needed" so imagine the breakup. When all I ever needed leaves. Its gonna happen, I was also massively neglecting everything else and devoting all my time to this one girl. Seeking counseling by yourself would be the "man" thing to do. And you can openly talk about it, the difference is how you talk about it. If you act very weak and shy about it and talk about how you are a mental mess of course. But if you phrase it like "yeah I do go to counseling but I manage myself and this is part of that" its a lot different. One of the most chad bro dudes I know does counseling and isnt shy about it when its brought up. Because people know at the end of the day he handles it, he isnt going to break down. Would you rather be able to pretend to be strong but in reality could fall apart at any moment or have a few people judge you as being weak but overall carry yourself a lot stronger and better. if at the end of the day what im saying just sounds like bullsoykaf at the very least you dont have to tell anyone you do it. They might suggest group therapy but you can just turn it down. And make sure if you dont like your counselor or therapist you tell whatever service you get counseling from that you want to try someone else. My friends that had bad experiences with counseling did this and saw it as a big help after. They usually kind of ask you anyways to find a fit. Like its a lot easier for me to talk to a girl about my feelings than a guy so they accomodated that.

Incredibly pissed off. I haven't installed or touched my ubuntu 16.04 machine in a long while, and haven't rebooted in months as well. But I had to do that today and when I get to the log-in screen, my keyboard and mouse don't work and the system completely freezes. So fuarrrk. I boot up an Ubuntu live usb and chroot my system and try to downgrade random packages that could maybe have fuarrrked something up. Nope. Try upgrading everything. Nope. Upgrading and removing anything didn't work so I'm doing a completely new install, and you know what? Same issue happened after I upgraded everything. No fuarrrking idea and it's ruined my mood. I really don't like fuarrrking with linux to be quite honest. I hate messing with the system, I rather be in Emacs programming and ignore the slimy piece of soykaf lurking below called linux. fuarrrking fuarrrk.

>>2643 Keyboard and Mouse problems are most likely caused by having incompatible versions of X11 (xorg-server) and X11 drivers (xf86-input-keyboard/xf86-input-mouse). >I hate messing with the system, I rather be in Emacs programming I hear you. What I do keep my /home on a separate partition and dual boot 2 complete Linux systems and update them alternately. That way I always have a good version to fall back to if something break.

>>2643 Could go the GuixSD GNUHerd route with emacs.

This sounds like attention whoring but I would be grateful if something could say what they think about my situation or if they experienced similiar or whatever. I'm probably just bummed out and there's nothing else behind it. The basic gist is, I'm incredibly intimidated by computer science and I'm having doubts left and right. I initially wasn't interested per se into CS but rather fit the stereotype and since others perceived me as the nerd dude who spends too much time at his computer I thought I would go along. I later visited a HS with a CS club which was nice and I learnt my way around (but it was mainly about programming and discussion of current technical happenings etc. Not too much science or complex algorithms or stuff like that. Maths wasn't important either) Next month university starts and I got so much soykaf to do, from Monday to Friday, I get scared. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up or straight not get stuff (I'm only average in maths) There was an admission test at the beginning of this month which I passed and I got in (with only 70%) but at the end of the first semester are a bunch of important tests which need to be passed in order to be able to keep studying. I also can't see myself getting interested or excited by stuff like Data Science or Cryptography but on the other hand, there is barely anything that excites or interests me. The only two things I dare say I enjoy are literature and dreaming and neither will pay the bills. Is this just doubt and worry of growing up and having to face reality and being confronted with something important and necessary without any backup plan or safey? or is what I'm saying genuily worrying? I'm gonna rewatch Lain probably, that might excite me a little.

>>2648 Nvidia, so nope.

>>2652 >with only 70% Hey, it's way more than average, you did great. >I also can't see myself getting interested or excited by stuff like Data Science or Cryptography In almost every uni path there will be stuff you don't like, so my advice is to do the minimum required in those just to get to next year. If you are not interested in any classes and you see your grades falling then drop out. Don't try to stay just for the sake of it, I did and I regret it a lot, I lost a few years in a path that I didn't like anymore. >Is this just doubt and worry of growing up and having to face reality and being confronted with something important and necessary without any backup plan or safey? or is what I'm saying genuily worrying? I think it's just the fact that you are at a moment in your life when there are a lot of options, it's your first year in uni I guess? It's a shame our societies don't allow more time for people to discover what they truly want.

>>2652 >with only 70% I would try to do some research to find out what is expected and average for where you are. In England 70-100% is the best grade you can get (1st class). So it might not be as bad as you think. >I also can't see myself getting interested or excited by stuff like Data Science or Cryptography I was like that too. I did Computer Science because I really liked programming in general (Visual Basic lol). But when I got there I wasn't excited about any of the courses I had to do. I didn't hate them either though. I did manage to figure out what general direction I wanted to go in before graduation and that has helped a lot with my career. But when I was studying I didn't have a clue and I think that's ok. The other thing I'd say is that can be hard to enjoy something when you're not good at it yet. So give it some time.

Im 24 and i dont know what to do with my life. I look into my past and most of it was a fight for survival. I've gotten past the worst of it but, i don't know what to do now. I can't even think about the simple things like "what do i want", "what do i need", because i'm just in awe of all the soykaf i've went through. I don't know.

I'm approaching the 1 year anniversary of my first girlfriend breaking up with me and I'm still somehow upset about it. I know that everyone takes a different amount of time to heal but the amount of time I'm taking feels ridiculous considering the reason we broke up. Her previous boyfriend committed suicide sometime during high school, and that obviously hit her pretty hard. After about a month of dating, she realized she wasn't ready to be in a relationship and she was worried that she'd do something like get jealous or accuse me of cheating, so she broke it off. She wanted me to understand that I did nothing wrong, I was wonderful and we were breaking up 100% because of her own problems. For a little while, I obviously felt sad, but after a few weeks I was over it. A few months later, and I had asked out a few other people and gone on a date with one, but it didn't work out. I did some thinking and decided to do some self improvement. During this self improvement kick, I slowly grew to hate myself. I started to detest things about myself that I was previously OK with, convinced myself that my ex broke up with me because I was awkward and pushed her personal boundaries, and constantly tortured myself over awkward moments that happened on dates with her and other people I asked out. Over the summer, I improved the way I looked, lost weight, and picked up new hobbies. Now I can barely stand myself. Now any time I feel attracted to someone, I question whether I feel that way because I'm so desperate or because I'm actually interested in them as a person. Recently I met someone I felt I was genuinely interested in (and might have felt some of that interest reciprocated) and could ask out on a date there's but there's this awful nagging insecurity saying I could find someone better looking and that I'm just settling for the first person expressing attraction to me. I found this song today and it prompted this outpour. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_3few8xjIs I want to ask this person out but I don't know if I should, what do?

>>2658 >remember the past, live in the moment, but always look to the future Use your past as a learning experience, and look at your future as a long term goal (where you ant to live, things you would like to own) and use the present to enjoy the little things on your way to larger goals

>>2661 Maybe the new girl you're trying to date has something similar to your ex? I think if you' are truly desperate you would settle for someone that is definitely not your type. Ask yourself, is this the person who I want to wake up to every morning? And about your self-hate, she said that it wasn't your fault, her reasoning is pretty understandable. There's a chance that because she was your first girlfriend you had a colossal fear of doing something wrong that'll make her want to break up with you. Let her go. Move on.

>>2661 I have similar problems as you. During my self improvement i have reached some goals but in the same time I started to hate myself for who I was and it doesn't really matter that now I am somehow better than before. Thinking too much about your past, your failures and awkward moment can destroy you totally so you should try to concentrate more about the present.I know it's not easy and all those thoughts just appears in your head I am also really insecure about picking someone I like just as you. In the past, when I was at the bottom of all the social circles around me I didn't have much expactations. Now, when I visibly improved myself, both physically and mentally, I always think that all of it is just not enought, that I can do better, that I can find someone better and if I just settle now for just a little bit of happines I will quickly become miserable and trapped in soykafty relationship My advice is however that you should ask her out to the place where you can sit and talk. Talking is the best way to know the other so after this meeting you will have better thoghts if she is for you or not. The truth is there is always someone better looking or more intelligent but relationship is also about how comfortable you fell with the other person. Anyway good luck lainon, I hope you will end up better than me now

>>2664 >I always think that all of it is just not enought, that I can do better you're right though, you can always do better and become better the important thing to remember is that just because you can be better doesn't mean you aren't enough now and no relationship will ever be perfect, there will always be problems but if you never try because you're afraid the relationship will turn to soykaf then you'll end up alone any relationship could turn to soykaf, but keeping it good for a while is worth it

I'm not doing too great. I dated a girl a few years ago, for a bit over a year, and I'm still not over her She dumped me, which I deserved, because in almost every way that matters I am a piece of soykaf A few months after she dumped me, we were still talking all day every day, I still loved her and she needed someone to listen Out of the blue she says that she still loves me. She's out of town, but we plan to get back together when she gets home Next thing I hear she's had some sort of emotional breakdown and she cut off contact with me, I don't know what happened or why I didn't hear anything from her for years, I worried about her all the time, I wanted her to be ok Just now, she started college (she's a few years younger than me) and I hear she's at the same school as me I cannot think of a single reason why she would have come here, this isn't her kind of place at all The only explanation I can think of is that she came here because I'm here, but I know that's just my ego talking No matter how much I tell myself its not true, I still have hope that she came here because she wants to be with me again I know that it isn't true, and she could do 100x better than me, and she must have some other reason for coming here I just keep having this image of her running up and hugging me, I know it will never happen, but I can't stop thinking about it The worst part is I saw her the other day, just for a moment, walking a long way away, where she couldn't have seen me I could have gone over and said hi, but I stopped myself because I know that I am bad for her I hate myself so much I can't say hi to the one person who might care about me, because I really do love her, and I know I would just hurt her again So I'm going to drink myself stupid for a bit, and go looking for some more oxy because that's what any self respecting degenerate would do right now I guess

>>2652 Classes which may not seem interesting now may be more fun than you expect Also, know that freshmen classes suck generally, but it gets better You get all the bs stuff out of the way first, and by the time your a senior, you'll be taking stuff that is legitimately interesting As for keeping up, if you can already program a little bit, you're ahead of the game Learn how to use git and practice with a good text editor (preferably vim) util you can use it effortlessly Learn some basic linux admin skills, because eventually you'll be doing stuff on a linux box, and it'll help to know it already Also, the only math you really need for CS is linalg, and that isn't too hard at all Just start your labs early and work hard, you'll be fine There's always 1 guy in the room who is intimidating because they know this stuff already Don't worry about him, he's full of soykaf, I know because I used to be that guy

>>2665 I guess she's sort of similar to my ex in that I was initially drawn in by her personality and the vibe I got from talking to her, and then from there her looks grew on me. I like the way she looks and going by our conversation she seems like my type. I was under the impression my feelings about being broken up with would just go away eventually, but now I see I need to put my foot down. I decided today that I'm not going to tolerate any further dwelling on those past experiences. Doing this sounds insignificant, but I feel like I've found closure on this now. >>2664 >>2665 You're right, there's no point in fretting over how you could do better if you find someone that makes you happy. I think I'm definitely going to ask her out, I'm just a little worried about deciding on what to do for the date. Sitting and talking is good, but she seems really introverted and the last time I did a "just talking" date with someone like that it didn't go too well. Having a small activity to engage in might make things easier. But now that I think about it, we managed to hold a 10min+ conversation without really planning on doing so maybe we'll be fine either way? Thank you for your advice lains, I hope we all find some happiness in this world.

>>2668 >I feel like I've found closure on this now. that's the most important thing there is. good for you my man you're going to do fine on your date. ask her to coffee or something like that go low stress at first, in a place where you can relax some don't be afraid to start talking with her. if she is that introverted it will take a bit to get her to warm up to you just keep at it and have faith that it will work out good luck man

Alone. Irreparably alone. The wisest woman I know once said to me, "Don't expect people to understand you. You're not like them." A weird thing to say but I suppose we're weird people and that's what she was driving at. I wouldn't mind that but I feel disconnected from the other weird people too. People tell me I'm a genius, a man of firm moral character, someone they look up to, but I'd be damned if I could tell you why. When I try to connect with others I feel alien. It's amazing how fast people can go from admiring you to pitying you when they perceive you as broken. Most of the time I don't mind. I don't see me as broken. Some small portion of the time it drives me and, in many ways I think, brings out the worst in me. I had an epiphany as I went to sleep last night, after I wrote that. All is well. It's hard to put into words but the two sides, not caring that I feel apart and caring intensely, were never contradictory. They were just driving at different things. I don't desire to be understood, I do desire compassion but the only reason I feel that's missing is some fool idea that it doesn't really count if I feel disconnected. This is just senselessly beating myself up. When I show compassion to others, I don't know them, not really. Everyone has depths beyond what we see but it doesn't make that compassion faux or even less meaningful. Why should it be any different in reverse? It'll take some time to internalise this. These feelings are old and deep seated but for the first time, I think this is something that can be sensibly resolved. Now though, it's time to wake up, eat my breakfast, go to work and slowly and gradually correct my misunderstandings of the world.

>>2672 I think I can tell you some things. I often feel the same as you, I can place a lot of my weirdness on being probably as smart as anyone else here, having a slightly broken family that led me for a lot of my childhood to communicate and express myself online. With other weird people of this background I tend to talk fine with, but I also avoid ever talking about that part of my life to fit in. And I dont like to talk to people who have that background because I stereotyped them in my mind. I can actually talk to "normal" people just fine I just feel no connection to them. As you say often times they have some respect for me because to them I am unique. And im only unique because I should be a loser or nobody yet im at college and cleaned myself up and look okay and started doing things. They never have talked to someone like me because if I was how I was before they never would have wanted to. Same as how I usually avoid people who obviously share a lot in common with me. But same as you aside from people like this other weird people sometimes I dont get with. There is respect and a desire to connect but we just dont click. On the other hand sometimes I click with people who come from a different background completely. I think because sometimes personalities play with eachother and sometimes they play off eachother. The people not like me who were or are good friends I have kind of a love for which is more of a sense of respect because I can work and do stuff with them even if we disagree. Like you I perpetually feel alone usually, and ive learned to deal with that so I usually say I have no friends even though from an outside perspective I do. I feel most people could leave at any time, and in order for me to consider someone a friend even I usually think if id be happy dying with them. Theres not really anyone I can say yes to that, but there is some people I would think it would be funny if I died with and those are the closest I have to friends. Anyways the other day I went on a date with a girl. There was obviously a big connection, as we talked more turned out the internet was her big retreat to. I felt so safe around her the whole time, not judged, free to be who I am and it really spoke to me that she came from a place I always kind of deny or have a lot of regret about (being raised by the internet). By be who I am I dont mean spouting fuarrrking internet memes or some soykaf, I literally do just mean thoughts other people think are weird, talking about morbid stuff without "killing the vibe", exploring weird ideas, expressing myself as I might here but in real life. I think there is a big generation of people whos escape was the internet, thats where they could find friends and get away from a toxic life. Whether it was 4chan or reddit or some forum or tumblr or whatever. Many of those people have been completely lost and ignored by society, many turn to bitter things and a hatred of those around them as they are unable to express themselves in real life and thus are judged differently. Then there is people like me or possibly you I think who have tried to reject it to join normal society and maybe I know I did see myself as better for doing such. After all though im still weird to people they talk to me, i go on dates, i do normal people things that from our breeding ground lets say are seen as big. but after talking to this girl im not so sure, many people often talk about returning to their roots, and in real life leaving your childhood setting for something completely different can leave you alienated. Maybe unfortunately I think many people here have roots in the internet but are trying to escape that thus the alienation. I dont know a good solution. Im feeling a lot happier and more confident recently after realizing this, and im not behaving much different. Im just less scared of judgement, and ive been seeing the effects of that. Instead of stagnating always having loose friends now for every 5-10 people maybe I "weird out" one person approaches or shows interest in me, and wants to do what im doing whatever that is. this is like just some romantic bullsoykaf but id like to do something really big with my life so people want to know where i come from and soykaf. And I can tell them i was a fuarrrking loser and at heart still am who was raised by the internet and if I could make that happen i like to think it would give a lot of hope to people on places like this who feel like they have to hide always. Theres other groups that have done this, but I dont want political motives or violent intentions behind it. I really do think this is where the isolation comes from on places like this. I dont think its some deeper mental issue, its just a coincidence and a shared hometoen so to speak. The internet happened to be a nice place , or a nicer place for many growing up whether young or in their teens. Especially as you ssy for those considered smart, especially smart kids. Smart kids tend to not fit in when they are younger, they have interests seen as weird to other kids because their thoughts are a bit more abstract. Chans, messageboards, irc are such an interest. Im not saying period they are a weird interest, but to seek a place like this out at a younger age is a bit strange, many kids wouldnt really consider it outside of maybe a single forum for their hobby. Even then the need to find people who share their hobby online displays nobody around them shares that hobby, its something not typical for their age. Thats how I started on the internet myself.

>>2673 Give this anon a glass of vodka cause he speaks wise things When I was reading your post I've got this great feeling of connection I got only on chans. All that you said about loneliness and detachment from the rest of society is a story of my life. However I always hated to see myself as someone smarter from the rest, many people told me this but I simply can't admit it because it feels like something edgy and snowflake'y. Anyways for the whole my life I could never really connect with anybody as well. I never had any real friends, I spent most of my childhood in my room, on the internet or playing video games because that was a great retreat from the outside world which I couldn't unrestand. I felt safe there, people threre didn't judged me for how I looked or where I was from but for the thing I said or did and it was great. Of course now most of the internet is soykaf, all of my childhood was before facebook, twitter ale all kinds of social media and attention whoring. Now I am after college, I've somehow improved myself and have let's say a circle of friends but all of it seems fake to me. I don't really trust them, I will never talk with them about my past, my fears or real problems. Despite being more social I still have this fear of other people, of betrayal and lies I was experiencing during childhood. I was rejected then and I still feel the same and it doesn't matter that it looks like most of the people around me seems to really like me. For me they are potential enemies and danger. And the worst part of it is somehow I have this urge of recognition and appreciation from them so I contantly try to be better, not to improve myself but for the others to see me as someone worthy of knowing. The funny part is that I still don't understand really how normal people function so I fake most of my actions, I use quotes from movies and that kind of stuff and everybody take it as a sign of intelligence. I would really like to connect with someone but I know that normal people are too different from me and I couldn't be with someone like me because I hate who I was (and partially still am) so it would drive me mad. I thought about going back to the roots, alienate from society like in the past but too many has changed. The internet is a different place now, almost like the outside world, I have changed as well and I can't stand even the thought of being such a loser as in the past. So now I feel like in some kind of limbo or in a state of suspension between worlds. I don't belong anymore to the type who was laughed at and pushed around but I am not like the normal part of society as well. Fake it till you make it doesn't seem to work cause I try it for like 10 years now. This chan is the only place left where I can really talk but I am afraid that if I would meet any of you in the RL we wouldn't be great friends, because I tend to think that if I could changed at least a little bit, to hide the weak parts of me, the others can too and I blame them for not doing this

You think youre special? Loser.

I just started college and over my senior year of high school I thought my depression had subsided, I was wrong. I had a breakdown the other day. I thought about the internet friends who threw me aside and didn't care about me in the end, the friends I thought I made in high school who don't respond to my texts or calls. I am alone. My social anxiety has hindered me my entire life, I have had trouble making friends and relationships my entire life. My friends in elementary school when I tried to reconnect with them on Facebook in HS they hated me secretly and the girl I liked call me a fat fuarrrk creep because I looked at her in elementary school. In middle school the friends I thought I had didn't even bother responding to my emails and messages after graduation. People just like to push me and bully me, beat me up physically, emotionally and mentally. I am weak spined and I just want to be as good as I can be, but I ain't soykaf. In HS I liked a girl and wanted to get her twitter so I guessed her email and added her to a throwaway twitter account. Somehow she found out I did that or that I liked her and told the whole school I was a pervert creep. My roommate in my dorm brings his girlfriend to the room and even though we only been in a little over a week, bangs her in front of me no matter what time it is. Each time he did this I felt angry that I was useless enough to never get a girlfriend in my life and even moreso, have no real friends to vent to or just to take my mind off things. I have to hold back tears in class, in the library and when I am online just because I feel like I just want to let all my tears out in one big flow that has built up. This is the first time in two years I had a breakdown. My roommate wasn't in the room, and I was researching some internet friends who left me in HS, one of them used to be my online GF but now is dating a football player, I'm happy for her I guess. Another is a girl who was my first online friend and just stopped talking to me because she didn't feel like it anymore, but I figured out what school she goes to, but then it brought back all the pain I felt, and how much I just want to have someone there for me.

>>2674 yeah maybe instead of smarter I just mean better with abstract thought. Theres lots of types of intelligence and thats just one of them true.

Kinda funny but recently I just found out I am ugly. For my art course in college, I needed a photo for a self-portrait. It was the first time I have seen my image flipped in a few years. What I found out was one of my eyes is higher up than the other. It is pretty noticeable and I couldn't belive it took this long to find out. I always figured I was maybe a 5/10 on a good day but since the picture, my self-esteem has taken a big hit. For a few years, I have been dealing with depression and major social anxiety. Now, whenever I go out I keep thinking about how I look. I feel like my progress with my mental health has taken a hundred steps back. I don't have any friends and I still have not found any anti-depressants that work. I do not know what I can do anymore. Going out, I know people are looking at my face and being around any women I feel like I may never have a connection with anyone special. There are a hundred issues I have and no way to get past them. I can't consider suicide because of my religion and the sake of my family, but what is there for me.

>>2673 >>2674 I'm glad you two found some connection, though still, in some ways I feel apart. I don't have a problem being socially accepted, quite the opposite. It's a long story, and it's a story that's important to me, but as I realised, it's not a story that matters. It's become apparent that it is just an excuse. There's a weird disconnect in my thinking. I don't know any of you. I've seen a handful of paragraphs of text, a tiny little sliver of you but that's ok. It's still you and I can still show meaningful compassion, but when I look at the situation in reverse it seems the compassion others offer me doesn't count because they've only seen a sliver. This is just me beating myself up. I always manage to find some excuse. People have told me I'm a hard man to care for and I'm starting to see what they mean. >>2674 Own your intelligence. It's the best tool you have and acknowledging it doesn't mean you have to let it go to your head. Intelligence isn't a virtue and even if it were there's no measure of a man. Always go for the truth and the truth is you are more intelligent than most. You're not better than anyone. And don't worry so much about what people think. They're probably being fairly open and honest. It sounds like you faked it, made it and now you just need to relax a little and enjoy it. >>2680 You have to let people go and move on. Life is gonna keep on going and you can't get hung up on the cruelty of a bunch of kids. Kids are like that I'm sorry to say and some never quite grow out of it. There are two types of people in the world, people who treat you right and people who can go and fuarrrk themselves. Keep looking, there are no saints but there are decent people out there. Just don't resent them for having girlfriends or whatever. Be nice, treat them right and be safe in the knowledge that if they don't return the favour they weren't worth knowing.

I'm sorry for everything.

>>2686 I forgive you lain.

I think I've really upset my bf. I made a joke about them not being able to spell, which I have done before, and they've not taken it well. I think they took it poorly and as a jab to their intelligence, ability, and adequacy. They went to sleep about three hours earlier than usual without wishing me a good night or sending me an xxxx or saying they love me, which is something we've done almost every night unless I've upset them. Already I feel an immense amount of guilt and am on the verge of tears. Yesterday I booked tickets to see them on Friday, so I can only pray it'll have blown over by then. Luke, in the off chance you're reading this I'm very sorry for what I did and I won't joke about it again. Despite how I may have come off, I still love you very much, and I hope you do too. I'm looking forward to seeing you again on Friday, I've really missed you.

>>2691 I'm sure it'll be okay lainon. Maybe they were having a really rough day or something similar, sometimes things can affect us in unexpected ways.

>>2691 Coming from a guy that loves his gf really hard and created a situation or two like this, he is probably just massively annoyed. Probably had a hard day and you giving him soykaf didn't really pan out. Give him a bit of space and he will come back to xoxox'ing you in no time. I bet you will be able to joke about it, just kind of sense his emotions beforehand. If he is in a bad mood then don't joke on his expense. Seriously, no need to get overly emotional over this. He is obviously your first love and you feel out in open about this whole situation, but that's okay, you will learn each others dynamics and adapt and talk to each others more in detail about your feelings openly. This bump is just another step closer to you being besides him and feeling total confidence, love and safety in his hands. Trust me, he still loves you too. It's absurd to think a silly joke on his expense would persuade him to think otherwise.

I think I'm going to be okay, I feel like I'm doing better at dealing with and suppressing my anxieties about things that I need to chill out about. But I am worried that eventually my anxieties will resurface and drive me to do something that I'll regret I feel like I finally have a chance with a girl and I'm afraid I'm gonna go something that's going to make her not like me anymore. I already feel like I might be on the edge, but that might be my paranoia. Honestly my brain is telling me that even talking about it means I'll fail. Which is probably not good but that's fine I guess

>>2694 Where my image go

Was homeless for about a day, before "the matriarchy" stepped in and put me on a farm. Since then, I've been either protesting with them, or driving their foreign adopted kids around, or working in their gardens. It's not so bad.

>>2693 Also, I would suggest you talking to him 1 to 1 about what happened. I know girls don't like doing this, but men do. Tell him you didn't mean anything serious and it was a honest joke like any time before. Ask him whether it was that he had a bad day or that this joke really hurt his feelings from get go and he was silent on the matter? Test out the waters, no need to read into it like it's a sign of something big.

>>2692 >>2693 >>2697 Thank you lainons, you're put my mind (somewhat) at ease. I really appreciate it. I tried to get a few words in before he went offline, but I don't know if he saw them. Last time he was like this he said he was overreacting more or less the day after - and I really did cross a line with that one, but I'll talk to him about it tomorrow if he's comfortable with it. From what he said before he went to bed, I think it probably hurt his feelings more than anything, but the stress of moving to university probably hasn't helped.

>>2698 As an update/closure to this, I said hi to them the moment they came online and apologised. They said it's okay and they were just not feeling that good last night, and we exchanged some smiley faces. Again, thanks to the lainons that gave me advice.

>>2699 Glad to hear things are alright lainon.

>>1833 I actually managed to fix this. I regularly do "reality checks", which are quite easy(yet painful). You basically force your mind to sync with your past self. Remember how the world around was normal for you back "then" ? Force your mind to stop making up soykaf, just block it. It won't work foreach time you do this but I made dramatic progress. Got myself SSI and now don't have to starve in order to pay rent and actually became happy for once. Now I can afford myself to focus on my anxiety and paranoia instead of surviving and switching 10 minimum wage jobs a month. It's not much but it's a start. I keep telling myself that this is a tool that will help me achieve my goals. I'm shooting for an University, still doing the entrance exams. I don't spend money on anything else except rent & food and so this way I'm saving for university. I've got a real chance here not to drown If (Or when) I break it will be the most painful thing I've ever experienced and probably impossible to recover from

The sun came up, and I feel all washed out. I don't know that I can return from this feeling. I just wish I were king, so I could wear my ring, and never hurt my people. :^(

>>2696 Sounds kind of cozy. Sorry you had to be homeless, though, lainon.

>>2704 It's honestly an improvement. I love going to actions, it's a lot of fun to play with a radio scanner there. is like kicking dead whales down the beach to carry all the street medic soykaf though. Luckily, I haven't had to use it yet. I hope I never do.

i had my first time with a girl yesterday. it was just our second time seeing eachother. I know first times are usually bad but I just could not cum and she eventually got tired and fell over and I was exhausted too so we slept. I dont know if she climaxed, in the morning we both did but we were just touching eachother not having sex. she was really experienced and knew I was a virgin so she was helpful but she also wanted me to do soykaf like hit her and call her names and choke her. The hard part is like saying soykaf, even though it was first time the minor sexual experiences I had in past I was definitely the submissive one. I dont know if I can really like please her and the other way around, we are almost too similar and when it comes to sexual soykaf both want the other person to kind of take control and do anything to us. When I see her again I wanna talk about it and ask, im willing to try being the dominant one but part of the reason I couldn't cum was just the work I had to put in to try and play that role. I honestly was at least happy I didnt go soft cause I felt almost nothing while having sex with her. She said its okay and shes been with lots of virgins before but I dont know. I really like her but I wonder if she just is sexually attracted to me. I always want to talk more but the minute I start staring at her while talking she just starts making out with me. Im hoping its just cause its our first few dates and shes just super enthusiastic to have someone and things will calm down a bit. I also want to get along with her roomates. Im slow to open up, one I talked to and it was chill, the other is kind of intimidating but seems really cool. I know her roomates are super important to her though so I dont want them to dislike me.

>>2706 I don't really have much experience with women but I'd say don't do this kind of talk. At least not yet. If this is new relationship it will probably be awkward. Just try to play along for some time and observe. Talking about preferences should imo come later when you will feel more comfortable with her. But of course it's just my opinion based on my experiences. People are different so it might just work well with her too. It woud be good if some other lains could say something too in this matter. Anyway I wish you luck, at least you have found someone

>>2706 Glad you had a decent time :-) Don't worry about not feeling much- just try to stop masturbating. Guys usually grip much harder on their dicks when they JO, much tighter then a pussy. Condoms don't help at all.

>move away between 9th and 10th grade >get really upset about it >decide I'm "depressed" >go to therapy >take pills >therapy doesn't do anything >pills make make me feel nauseous and not much else >tell therapist what she wants to hear and stop talking to her >throw away pills >move back after a year >skip to now >just graduated high school >18 >want to join the military >everything previously stated is disqualifying and waivers are practically impossible to get unless there's a war >no real aspirations in life other than this >don't want to lie to recruiters or on an sf86 and potentially get a fraudulent enlistment charge (felony) >don't want to tell recruiter or MEPS because I might not get a waiver >never really felt depressed in the first place I guess I'll just go to college and get a cubicle job or something.

I feel like things have been going ok. Im keeping up with rent, planning on going back to school in the winter and i now have two jobs. If I dont fuarrrk up I will live in a happy home and have enough money to last me a while. Working on getting a girlfriend but its hard to find someone to find feelings for, especially when its hard to find good girls who are looking. Im hoping i can get my gi in so i can start my jiu jitsu training so i can protect myself and be able to be good at something that is other than video games and other nerdy, time-wasting stuff.

>>2713 what makes you want to be in the military anon?

>>2715 I changed a lot as a person since that one year. I started paying more attention to politics, reading more, eating better, and working out harder. Eventually I became a much more patriotic, almost nationalistic person. I started browsing 4chan /k/ a couple years ago and really started getting into firearms and weapons in general, and the idea of doing cool guy stuff with the 75th Regiment straight out of high school through an option40 or RASP packet after AIT appeals to me greatly. On top of that, I never really knew what to do after high school, didn't have anything I wanted to go to college for, and had a tough time finding motivation to do anything with my life. Military service lets me do something I want to do as well as giving me options for the future after I get out. I've also always wanted to visit Antarctica and I figure I could use the GI bill for a Meteorology or Physics degree and try to get to a research station down there (not that I couldn't do that without serving, but it would make it easier).

the more happy I am the more I hate the soykaf I was doing when I was depressed. including majoring in computer science. at the moment im kind of doing whatever the fuarrrk I feel like whenever I want to, but ive never been happier. My grades are slipping though, and some dark parts of my personality that I keep repressed are coming out more and more as I meet people like me who share a lot of my feelings about the way I feel about society and some of the people running things. I just feel like I could really do something bad, when I started going to therapy one of my issues was repressed anger, now that im giving less of a fuarrrk it comes out in soykaf I do. Makes me less depressed but some of the soykaf im doing now I never would have dreamed of doing. soykaf feels like pipe dreams before. Im not gonna end up rotting away in some cubicle doing programming. That soykafs not gonna happen. Hell I dont even want to spend college doing that. But im being irresponsible as fuarrrk and my money relies on grants if I dont shape up a bit il be screwed. I want to stay here I love the people but im not focused anymore. Im terrified honestly, I gotta get a grip. Il go homeless in this city before I go back home.

>>2713 They don't have access to any records which aren't public, and there aren't really any 'public records' because the healthcare system is so fuarrrked up, so they'd literally have to go find who your doctor was and ask them for records, which they'd have little reason to do. They'll try scare tactics during questioning but it's all smoke. I'm sort of in the same boat, I took anti-depressants for a little while because I was curious more then anything (how would I see the forest through the trees? My god, I could be depressed this entire time!), then turned out they were a big dq if I ever wanted to join the military (which I have thought about multiple times). Doctors really aught to be required to warn people about this because they really like to hand em out like candy on Halloween. So it's really down to how much of a gambling man you are, and if you want it on your conscious. I don't think it's a big thing to hide comparatively speaking unless you are well and truly fuarrrked in the head, and I've heard of people hiding much worse and never getting fuarrrked for it even after it came out.

>>2718 > On top of that, I never really knew what to do after high school, didn't have anything I wanted to go to college for, and had a tough time finding motivation to do anything with my life. This is why the US will never even need a draft.

How many times I'll fall in love?, this time feels like "Vivaldi's four seasons".

>>2722 This time for me it's like "Swans - Raping a Slave."

Slave rape is hot

>>2720 Well, I talk to my recruiter tomorrow. I'm really angling towards an intel job so I pretty much can't lie since they'll be investigating everything. Hopefully I can get a waiver. Maybe I'm being retarded and ought to just lie but I'd feel guilty about it. Wish me luck.

I'm just tired of living. Tired of lying. I'm damn good at it, too. Can pass psych tests with no issues because I mentally visualize them as security to be hacked and bypassed to get the things I want. Money buys the nicest friends, but I've grown tired of that too. Felt good to burn bridges because people are stale soykaf. The look on their faces as their ponzi scheme collapsed was pure art. I've been thinking of committing suicide, but I guess I'm a dirty coward. Always have been.

>>1856 Start working out. You need to develop more confidence.

Overall, I feel good about my life. I have gone through some hard times recently with my roommate failing to pay utilities that I have given him money for. This has cost me quite a lot of money when the problems could have been completely avoided if he had bothered to communicate with anyone else. I'm single, but its the first time in a long time that I have been, and it feels refreshing. I miss having that intimate relationship though. How are you lains?

>>2737 Good for you that you feel good. Despite some improvements of myself and many changes I still feel very bad. I'm single for the most of my life and now I feel like it's too late for me to build a relationship with someone. I simply missed the part of life when you learn all those things so everything is always awkward and I don't really know how to react in many situations. I know how to behave around people so they think I'm "cool guy" but it's all a lie and if I would like to open myself and show who I really am they would probably think I am some kind o weirdo and loser (cause probably I am). It hurts because in the past I didn't even have friends and it was all simple. I stayed at home, alwas alone, spending time in front of PC. Now I have some social life which gives me joy but can't really have the next level of contacts with others. However I can't go back to being an outcast, I don't event want it. Right now I am casually meeting with a friend and I have no idea how to see if she would like something more than just being friends. I've always been bad with all this sign reading and stuff and I'm not an alpha style who just goes to the girl, kisses her and see what happens Also I hate myself for being lazy, for having a lot of projects and not working on them and for all weaknesses I have. I know that many people, even here, are in much worse situations than me and I should be grateful for what I have but I am aware that with a little work I could be much happier and better than now but something in my mind stops me from doing this

>>2738 Would you like to talk about it? I used to be like that. Honestly what gave me the confidence to speak to and be with women was the realization that I'm not that odd. Women share your interests. Talk to them and be passionate! Women love when you know what you enjoy and they want to share in it. Just be courteous and be careful about personal space.

>>2740 I want to talk about it with her but it seems I can't find the right time during our meetings. I don't want it to be out of nowhere but probably I am overthinking as usual. My problem is that sometimes I think that I'm odd as you said and sometimes I see myself as perfectly normal. And of course I have bad experiences from the past which gives me constant fear of rejection and humiliation

>>2730 What kind of sheltered life does someone have to llead where working out is the simple solution to everything? Every imageboard ever, it's the same thing. > work out > install linux > problem solved

>>2751 I can attest that working out did give me more confidence. The confidence to stop working out to build confidence and just do my own thing, regardless im still not accepted. And funnily enough what gave me more confidence than working out was changing my appearance because people liked me more upfront. Just soykaf like taking super good care of my skin, cutting my hair, etc. The thing is working out will help short term but not long term, it will only make your actual shortcomings more apparent as you focus less on appearance and others accepting you. So I would reccomend it to everybody, but its certainly not the underlying solution for most on this board.

I've been in a gay relationship for about 10 months now. It's my first relationship, and we're both happy. So far I've told one person, and they've been quite supportive. To be honest I don't want to come out, I am quite happy with life as is, I don't want a person's perception of me to change, and the only real stress I have is accidentally letting it slip. |I'm not really sure why I'm posting this, but here I am.

Ive had Derealization/ Depersonalization for about 1.5 years now, I stopped drinking caffeine when I found this out and started working out. I feel very fit currently but Nothing has changed sometimes I even slip into Stage 3 "I am using this word to describe my state when I actually feel completely numb and don't care about anything(using my brain to inform myself about social activities around me etc.)I am just wondering, is there even a benefit going back to normal? feeling anxious every time somebody makes you feel stupid etc DP/DR helps you deal with situations like that and furthermore it makes you think about life.I have learnt so much while being "mentally ill" that I dont see any reason doing something about it anymore, I might not by able to cry anymore or actually feel normally but the sacrifice seems worth for what a real view of the world I am getting. Or am I just stupid? I dont want to go back to feeling scared/anxious at any time just because stupid people think that im weird, It just feels so good to know that I should react sad/scared/shocked/embarrassed etc but I merely act out the reaction of feeling "emotion". while everyone around me actually believes that. This may sound stupid but i have grown popular among people I know since I act more calm and "cool" although actually thats because I dont feel anything that is real.

>>2738 I can much relate to this, lucky my friends are all druggies and stuff, so when theres a joint involved were all at the same wavelength. >>2767 Im the same way, i know its not healthy, but i just go with the flow. If it feels good for you then go for it. Im pretty much stuck in where you guys are but i dont care too much about it all, even though i should. Its strange, a year ago i had almost no friends or social interaction, now it seems strange i have friends i meet almost daily and can just chill out. I still miss having a best friend though, like back in school even though it sucked. Hope it works out for us.

I just survived a knife attack. Oppnonent survived, too,I s crying af, My whole life turned around. I was suicidal before now I feel seriously thrown around pls canÄtt dpo it anymore ps kills,e

Hang in there Op, how bad was it? are you still suicidal? your post seems emotionally stressed, pls be okay. did you get in any legal trouble and are you still in danger?

>>2770 It really does not make sense, why are we finding more friends when we act fake. Or don't they realize anything?I feel like they are just slaves of society, I am never anxious or stressed since I don't feel anything -> they think im "cool" and stay with me.Is DP/DR really not healthy? ty for replying #2770

I nearly fuarrrking OD'D on xanax and alcohol. Ive also been neglecting schoolwork heavy this whole time soykafs been happening. I woke up and I had cuts all over my stomach I made, its been years since ive cut myself or any of that. I really blew it, i've never fuarrrked up like this. My mom doesn't even know i've ever been depressed. I never even failed a class before and im about to fail three if I dont get my soykaf straight. so im quitting everything, that feels good. But im about to have one of the worst times of my life trying to figure this soykaf out. im not alone thankfully I have a little help, I talked to one of the counselors. I dont remember our conversation this morning, but I know I told her everything except the cuttung part because I didnt know it happened or didnt want to accept it happened till after our meeting. I think this has been bottling up inside me for awhile, and as ive been going to counseling and feeling more supported it finally let loose in that form. I could have done anything, I had just failed two tests, a had an assignment due for a cs class i wasnt going to finish. I was mad, just gone I could have gone out and vandalized something or gotten arrested and im not that type of person usually. Im calm I can get a bit anxious but im overall a calm person who handles his soykaf but not that day. i just happened to choose to just fuarrrking drink and take too much xanax. My roomate didnt even know there was anything wrong till this night when I had to show him the cuts cause I took off my shirt. He thought I just was what I looked like, some kid who failed a few tests and was in a fuarrrk it mood and was drinking. He just didnt know and I didnt know how bad I really was. Theres a girl ive been dating and shes super sweet and understanding but what am i gonna tell her when i take my shirt off? How do I just fuarrrking tell her that soykaf? Shes gonna just be happy to see me and soykaf, and im gonna have to tell her I fuarrrked up and did this soykaf. I want to be there for her, these cuts arent that deep its possible theyl heal by the time I see her again. The thing is too like I tell my roomate or my friend it was just the drugs thats it but thats not true. This was inside of me, I used to do soykaf like this and cut myself. I just finally broke down was all, a regular person can get high on fuarrrking whatever and they still wont cut themselves. its funny I always think it cant get worse and decide to do some stupid soykaf to try and break out and it gets worse. its humbling though each time, i always learn something about myself and the people around me. what its really time for now is for me to try. its just going to be discouraging im gonna have to take a lot of losses now. right now is making this poor girl all upset and soykaf, shes really emotional and she warmed up to me quick and she may just decide to leave cause im too much. Even though im good now the fact that I did that even. The sad thing is shes probably gonna feel responsible somehow so im really gonna try to make her feel like everythings alright. she lives in a rough area and doesnt go to school and just works. i really wanna do fun stuff with her which i was gonna this weekend we were maybe gonns tag some soykaf. but now ima fuarrrking mess so its whatever. im gonna have to deal with the xanax withdrawals. I wasnt taking that much and it hasnt even been a full month so im not gonna seize out or anything but def some panic attacks lot of time im going to have to be sinking into school. Like real dedicated study time, ive never done that before except last minute but its past last minute right now. telling my mom. im changing majors shes not gonna be happy. i dont like comouter science, not as a job at least. It was entertaining when its my hobby. Now art or design, even though its also my hobby I could do a job easy designing websites or some soykaf. If I can keep my soykaf together il come out with a minor in CS as well. Ideally a Design Major and a CS and fine arts minor. Good half of that is bullsoykaf people say you wont get a job doing but fuarrrk it I like it and it beats killing myself or going back home. I dont know what im saying anymore. Just that I fuarrrked up and have a lot of work to do and its going to be a very stressful and telling next couple of weeks. How I choose to spend these next few weeks is going to change my future entirely.

>tfw walking on the sidewalk and a girl crosses the street to avoid me >tfw make eye contact with a qt at work and she makes a visibly disgusted face for 1 second before putting on a faux smile >tfw have said less than 50 words to any girl I know >tfw kissless and hugless >tfw virginity radiates from me at all times >tfw single my entire life >tfw at christmas parents don't ask if I'm seeing anyone anymore >tfw want to just not want it anymore but it's wired in my genetics >tfw tired of being alone wherever I go >tfw fantasizing about cuddling with a cute girl every night and cuddling with my pillow instead >tfw no gf