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I'm a beginner when it comes to relationships, sex, etc. I was in a pretty dark place when I was a teenager, in middle school and in high school, along with having zero confidence, no positive body image, and undiagnosed anxiety, I had a very difficult home life due to my mother's condition. For this reason I've been feeling 'left behind' when it comes to sexual relationships. Plainly, I don't understand them. I've made a lot of progress the past year. I've undergone treatment both medical and therapeutic, I've lost weight, I've been more outgoing, I've tried. And you know, it paid off, for a second. I met a girl in one of my course classes who seemed receptive; we really 'hit it off' as they say, and before I knew it I was in her bed. Now, I'm a total virgin. I have no idea how or when to make a move, but I was just trying to go along with it. We were both naked, basically, and it seemed like she just wanted to cuddle, or whatever, I wouldn't know. But we kissed (first kiss for me, I was obviously terrible), and stayed like that for a while, until she got up and said something akin to "you just want to have sex." She put her shirt back on and got back into bed. "Whatever" I thought. "I'll have another chance." I didn't lose my virginity that night, but I thought I was a hop skip and a jump away. The next day I called her and confessed that I did like her and had a good time. She didn't outright say "I like you too" but I got the message that she did. Again, I have no clue how these things work. But then the next few days, after we finished our class' final and would never obligatorily see each other again, she dropped off contact. Slowly, I think she was trying to ease into it, but it just was even more painful. Rejecting my asking to come over, rejecting my asking her to come over, but I didn't get it- I didn't want to get the hint. By the end of the week, she had dropped off all contact. "Ghosting" they call it. I was hurt. But only for a couple days. Now I'm just reflecting upon it objectively and wondering what I did wrong. Was I too timid in my approach towards sex? Or was it simply her being fickle? Or was it something else? Well, whatever it is, I know that I can at least get to that point now. I feel like that's a big motivator and reassurance for me. But the hardest step for me, for someone who used to and is still very afraid of being intimate, still lies again. So, I guess my question would be, how do modern relationships between young people work? Are they so fickle and nonchalant as dropping off all contact suddenly after [almost] having sex is the 'norm?' Am I mistaken in thinking that the classic 'going steady' boyfriend/girlfriend thing is still a reality? I don't get it. Help me understand how to navigate sexual relationships, lains.

>>1093 >Are they so fickle and nonchalant as dropping off all contact suddenly after [almost] having sex is the 'norm?' Many are, yes. You saw how easy it was for her to hop into bed. If she's blase about it, she'll be so about other things. Seems like all in all you dodged a self centered asshole. You're better off having your first time with someone you care deeply about (I did) > Am I mistaken in thinking that the classic 'going steady' boyfriend/girlfriend thing is still a reality? No, I did it, and we're still together. More years than you have fingers > I don't get it. Help me understand how to navigate sexual relationships, lains. Seems like you aren't still in the best place yourself. Work on yourself, and don't pursue trivial sexual relationships. The better your life will be, the better human material you'll draw to yourself. Looks like Jordan Peterson is right up your ally at this point in life. Buckle up, Buckaroo.

In time you'l figure out went wrong, and then you can decide what to do with yourself. Nobody can help you, you tell the story from your perspective which doesnt see why it happened. We need a different perspective. And just telling us what happened matter of fact wont help either. All il say is this, we are always responsible for our actions. If you really love someone and they leave you have two options. If you didnt love them that much or love yourself more you can decide it was their fault and you are fine, or you can decide its your fault and fix whatever is making you unloveable.

I originally typed an analysis of her behavior here and I drew conclusions from that. But that's probably just what I read between the lines. What I filled in is most likely far from the truth. Don't think too much about it. Just accept that you'll never know. But do realize that she's not special, there are more girls/boys/whatever you're into. You will have another chance, just with someone else.

>I have no idea how or when to make a move, but I was just trying to go along with it. You're doing it right. This is how you get sexy times. Don't ever try a strategy or a method or whatever.

>>1093 Like anything else in life, you get better at it with practice. Don't get hung up on over analyzing the situation. Just keep trying to gain experience in human relationships. Learning to be a good romantic or even just sexual partner is all about 1) effective communication and 2) a good understanding of yourself, your needs, and your boundaries. Try to learn to be self-aware of your feelings, both the irrational emotional and the logical rational. Learn how to talk about those feelings from an objective and honest place. Learn how to empathize with other people and how to communicate with them about their experiences. Learn the social cuing skills for understanding when someone is interested in talking about something and when someone is not. Identify what you are comfortable with and set consistent boundaries with people and stick to them, and be willing to admit that someone is not meeting your standards of behavior and move on from them. I guess most importantly, keep developing yourself in other areas of life. Pursue your passions and interests and don't stress too much about not meeting people. Good people have a way of popping up when you don't expect it.

>>1093 >she got up and said something akin to "you just want to have sex." If I'm understanding your whole post, that was your primary goal and your enjoyment of her company came later. She just picked up on what (I assume) your true intentions were. I don't mean this as an insult, but people who are better socially calibrated than you are going to be able to read you like a book a lot of the time. It's probably a good idea to just be honest about what you want. There are enough people interested in casual sex that you don't need to be duplicitous, anyway. You managed to get to the beginning of foreplay, so just keep trying and let past experience guide you.

>>5011 >people who are better socially calibrated than you are going to be able to read you like a book a lot of the time this, unfortunately this being a somewhat old post i'm curious if OP has any updates on his romantic endeavors

Not Op here however not long ago I was in the same situation as him, totally unable to understand how relationships and intimate contacts work because I spent most of my young years outside of society and other people. I managed to have sex and it wasn't just sex but I cared about her too so it was really nice and I had fun. For some reason I still don't really get how all of it works. W stopped seeing each other after some time and now I still struggle with new contacts, don't know how and when to react so I wouldn't look as some pervert or and idiot. I know that I should get along but many times I just wasted an occasion because I just couldn't see it. Now I'm not sure if I will ever be able to get it and act like the rest of society. And of course now all of it gets me ton of anxiety so it's hard to bear sometimes. It's sad because with that first girl I was really ok and not stressed but I blew it and now it's too late to get her back. Now I just try to work on myself in the first place but I'm getting really tired of being alone for the most of my life.

>>5022 I see this alot. The primary premise you're operating by is "don't know how and when to react". As other previous posters, you act simply as you wish. Forcing the issue of managing other's expectations is tiresome and is largely superfluous when you can simply be honest and forthright. IF you don't understand someone, ask them. If you want something simply state it. Overthinking the social engineering aspect of relationships (amorous or not) is just a bother. As long as one isn't downright petulant about it, the majority of people will tolerate emotional naiveté.

>>5022 >>5023 If you are honest, you are also much more likely to meet someone who is on the same page with you. You're not the only one out there who has traded socializing for the internet, and it's a pretty understandable problem anyway. It's just a symptom of the times, really. If you're understanding of that with yourself, others are more likely to sympathize with it as well. It's not like you have 2 heads or anything (even then, you would still fit in at a carnival, at least).

>>5023 >>5025 Lately I start to see this. For too many years I tried to fit to society and meet their expectations and it never ended well. Now I began to accept who I am, what I know and what I don't know and it really made me feel better about everything. I always thought I can;t be honest about myself with others because I am too different from them and also that they are lying too but now I see that being honest is actually pretty nice and even despite some possible unpleasant situations that may come as a result. So to all other lainons here who are struggling with relationships: often told advice "be yourself" is actually true and in the long perspective is better that acting as someone else just to fit some abstract "normal behaviour"

>>5030 still me, one more thing I started to believe in: don;t concentrate too much on yourself and your emotions and thought. Overthinking is the worst thing you can do and from my experience I can say that I was totally self-concentrated trying to deal with my issues that it was impossible to build any serious and true relationship. Concentrate on the other person and hopefully she/he will give you the same

>>5030 >"be yourself" >>5031 >Overthinking is the worst thing you can do what seems like superfluous advice can become your gospel once you actually internalize it. sadly, no one else can get you there but yourself.

>>1402 Which is fuarrrked because once you're 21 you can't even start. Like you can't do casual stuff for obvious reasons and you're unlikely as fuarrrk to get in a relationship. So yea good luck but I can't get out.

>>5039 Why you can't? What are those obvious reasons because I don't get it. Once you're 21 you are still young as fuarrrk and have plenty of time to repair or start things. I was a virgin till 24, didn't know how to talk to girls about relationship stuff, not many friends and most time spent in the basement in front of PC. Somehow I was able to get my soykaf together, learn much about people and how to interact with them, get laid and got new firends. Now I even started dating 9/10 girl and I'm still not sure how all this happend. Still have problems, anxiety, sometimes even panic attacks but if you really want to change, believe me, you can. Just work hard, observe a lot, try new things and don't think too much about failures, because probably you will have a lot of them. Just try to keep going forward

>>5043 >Why you can't? I'm not the person you are responding to but pre-21 you are in school. This is easy mode. 100s of males + 100s of females, you all see each other all day everyday. This is the time when everyone gains experience. Once you are over 21 and spending 8hours a day working your options drastically decline. It's worse if you are an introverted type and don't like bars/nightclubs. And it's even worse if you are male and have no prior experience because women don't consider you twice. >>1093 >we kissed..., and stayed like that for a while, until she got up and said something akin to "you just want to have sex." I wouldn't take her literal words so seriously. My analysis is that she wanted you to fuarrrk her but you didn't and that turned her off and pissed her off and she changed her mind.

>>5049 Perhaps you're right but still I believe that it's a simple excuse for most anons to let it go and stay at home. I won't be trying because I know I will fail so there is no point. I get this, I was thinking like that too but from personal experience I must say that it's possible to change some thing, probably not everything and I will always be flawed in some way. It depends how motivated you are. I really wanted to change because I hated myself for most of my life so I tried hard and the funny thing is that in the end I acepted many parts of my past personality. It gave me inner peace and allowed to really change then. However I still undertand that for some anons it's really too much to bear and they are inmuch worse situation than I was

>>5049 Exactly. At that point nobody is willing to tolerate any bullsoykaf. So you have to be in a serious relationsihp so if you're not into any one person or you can't get with that person for whatever reason then you're fuarrrked. I don't know about anybody else but personally I seem to be in an unwinnable situation. I've accepted myself far more than ever but I don't know if the chemicals are kicking in or whatever but the lonliness is fuarrrking me up.

>>5052 >At that point nobody is willing to tolerate any bullsoykaf. So you have to be in a serious relationsihp I didn't mean it like that. In male<--> female relationships, the female job is to look pretty and give vague "signals". It is the male job to approach, make conversation, be interesting, know how to keep her happy and basically do everything. So if you are male and past a certain age and don't know how to do any of those things then you are fuarrrked because women throw a rock and find 5 guys who do know how to do it, why would why waste her time with you?

>>5077 That's very much part of it too. Like I said, they aren't willing to put up with any bullsoykaf. Why would they settle for you when they can go with somebody else.