Let it all out #2

Since the last thread hit the limit, I'm going to start a new one. What has been bothering you lately, lain? What are you feeling? Don't hold it any more lain, let it all out.

I just can't. My parents, especially my mother always put tremendous amount of expectations at me, and had crazy tantrum when I didn't meet them. Like in, she screamed and yelled at me for three hours when I got mark 2 (as in, between 75 and 90%) when I was going to elementary school and never ever praised me for pretty much having 90%+ the whole year. If I was happy that I got good mark some day while rest of the class failed miserably, I never ever got any praise, it was more of "so what?". It just crushed me every time. I think that it destroyed me as a person. I can't get motivated or happy. Ask IRL people around me and they will probably say that I am, but I'm just putting a facade and I can't help it. I'm 22 now, I'm still living with my parents, father works abroad, so I see him for 3 days every 2 weeks. I attend university, but I filled my program to 1-2 days a week to I don't have to share room with 3 other people. (they are ok, but I need privacy for at least an hour a day, which is just not happening, so I just put up with it for two days and get back home) I get in the conflicts with my mother regularly. She didn't change that much, when I failed a few finals and had to retake them (and got them on second time everytime, usually just needed a bit more luck), she expanded her tantrums for a few days and added a few little things like "I can't believe you are this stupid", "thanks to you, I'm going to die early", "you destroyed my future" (what do have to do with her future is beyond me, I'm not her first child), "it would be better if you died". Also, after I told her some of my roommates have a job, now she is screaming "get out of my flat, find a job and live on your own if I'm so bad". And I was thinking about that, but I just can't see myself keeping up with work and university at the same time. Sure we don't have much classes, but we are expected to turn in something every other day, my friends are barely getting through, paying others to make their assignments and such, while I want to continue studying like a normal person. What crushes me that she is saying that and like week after she is like she didn't say anything like that. I don't know where this expectation comes from, both my parents have low education, since father is working abroad, he brings significant amount of money, while mother works as a cashier for minimum wage. Brother left asap and had attended college that was fairly far away, so he was barely with us since he turned 18. I have a good relationship with him, he is married and has had daughter, she is turning 1 soon. I've got pretty defensive since then I think, I just hope that she doesn't have to experience what I did. I also hope that future holds something for me, I'm finishing my bachelor's degree now, I plan to study for another two years and then move and probably cut ties with my mother. I just can't see myself having any kind of relationship, since I would be just crushed crybaby for everybody else. Considering the field I'm studying in, there is no way of meeting woman anyway. I was discouraged from having any relationship by my mother from very low age anyway, with the words of "you are going to have time for this". No, I probably won't anymore. Thanks for reading and sorry for broken English, I'm not a native speaker.

>>1019 I feel you man. Get away from your god damn parents as fast as you can. Your brother made a wise choice by choosing that college that's far away. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother treats you bittersweetly, or as in "love-hate relationship" where her attitude towards you changes a lot, she's demanding, yet all of the above is happening in concert with omnipresent overprotection and care from her side. You're lucky she didn't turn you into a vegetable, Lain. This could get out of hand, holy fuarrrk. Sorry for all the agitation in my post, but hell is this situation relatable, except it's worse for me. I'm yet to get out of the vicious cycle of infantilism created by my parents and reinforced by my inaction and inability to resist. Not to mention I've never managed to find my path in life or even a fuarrrking hobby due to my upbringing that on one hand was overly tender, and on the other absolutely neglectful and careless. I may sound like a babby for blaming my parents for everything bad in my life, but that's true. My childhood was spent on studying for the sole purpose of getting good marks. The outcome is quite predictable, I suppose. My free time, I spent it playing videogames, because nothing really interested me: courses costed money, and I never received any sort of pocket money. Going out to play football or whatever the hell was "dangerous", so my mother didn't allow me to play. I got familiar with internet quite early, not to mention that I was attracted to the English side of Internet and 90's US Videogames which I emulated, so I had no similar topics to talk about with my peers except for school and maybe occasional news. (I'm also not a native speaker.) And when the time came for me to pick a university and a course to enroll to I was in stupor. Hell. I've derailed. This post sure has changed from a message of caution to a venting of sorts. I've managed to hit two birds with one stone, I guess.

>>1020 >I'm yet to get out of the vicious cycle of infantilism created by my parents and reinforced by my inaction and inability to resist. That's true for me too. I would have just left, but it's really not feasible for me. I would've needed to quadruple my financing by parents, which would definitely wouldn't help the situation. Or I could quit university, which is even worse idea. >overly tender, and on the other absolutely neglectful and careless That's pretty much what I experienced as well. It was tender if it was with relation to other people (if I did something bad to somebody else), but I've got hell at home if it was my marks, or something my mother didn't approve of. My father really never cared much. I feel he likes me and that he never cared too much about my marks (if I got something bad, he told me that I can still retake it or something, which I appreciated and needed to hear), on the other hand, he never spoke up about it with my mother around. > I may sound like a babby for blaming my parents for everything bad in my life, but that's true. I feel so as well, at least my mother made an emotional trainwreck of me. The worst thing is that I can't bring it up to anybody IRL no matter how hard I try. I just feel like a burden to them. I just end up lying that everything is fine. >My childhood was spent on studying for the sole purpose of getting good marks. I was lucky enough to be kind of talented, but I had no motivation to go beyond mark 1 and after the years, I became careless. My mother always spoke about me like I was some genius when talking to somebody else, but she never cared about what was behind it. After entering gymnasium (high school), I became complacent and didn't really study properly and my marks went to the average of 2.0-1.5. I came up with plenty of excuses and lies to have a piece of quiet at home. It was still above average. >and I never received any sort of pocket money True for me too. I had to ask my parents for everything I wanted to buy. And I mean everything. >Going out to play football or whatever the hell was "dangerous", so my mother didn't allow me to play. I was sickly child, but my mother refused to allow me even take part in P.E. And I still got sick in the end, but I would rather fall sick every two weeks and have fun, than fall sick every 3 weeks, like I used to. >I got familiar with internet quite early I did when I was 11. Of course my mother was so happy that I didn't even try to have a social life or played sports. Especially for not taking interest in girls. I didn't even try back then, I mean what was the point, my mother would get furious if I had a girlfriend. "He is a good boy staying at home and not drinking or getting home late at night," she would say to other people. I really have tremendous regrets about my high school life. Some things changed though. She now calls me "good for nothing" that is always sitting in front of the computer all day, she yells at me, that nobody would want to live with me and other things, which she pretty much forced me to do a few years back. I don't even remember, I just switch off my hearing somehow and ignore it like it's nothing. Anyway, thank you very much for your input. I feel much better knowing that I'm not alone in this. You made my day a little bit brighter.

>>1021 "You created me" you tell her, with a smile on your face. "If you want to end me, then get on your knees and beg me to unmake you first." Like a slave race secretly accelerating their technologies for the day of the Great Escape, start planning on escaping. Do your research, get skills that you can use in the workplace of your choice. And as you leave, gloat and say 'You don't deserve me. You used me to cover your own insecurities, you pathetic bag of flesh. Now, remove yourself from my sight."

>>1021 >I feel much better knowing that I'm not alone in this. There are thousands of people who suffer from the consequences of overprotective upbringing, yet the numbers of those who have acknowledged it and are trying to do something about it boil down to hundreds. People who have never experienced it just don't treat it seriously - after all, it's woman's role in family and society to provide care and patronage, and the more, the better, right? Apparently no, and you and me now reap the fruits of this excessive care. >My father really never cared much. Another crucial ingredient in "development" of a "healthy child" as my mother would put it. Lack of a father figure complicates things tenfold, and any attempt at rehabilitation will be dilatory as hell. I've always gravitated towards my father, yet he just didn't care. He had a lot of problems himself, like dealing with children (who are all girls) from his previous wedlocks, paying for their education, all while trying to pull his small business together in a crisis situation. >...but I had no motivation to go beyond mark 1 and after the years, I became careless Same here. I was considered a smart child for my school, precocious even, obviously I've developed a huge ego in regards to my intellect and capabilities. >My mother always spoke about me like I was some genius when talking to somebody else, but she never cared about what was behind it. Same here. But when High School came, I had a sudden drop in academic performance, which was a blow with a power of a thousand suns for me. It wasn't that big when I look at it from here, I was still in the top ten of my class, yet for a vice-excellent pupil me it was terrifying. It was in high school that I saw people who, although performing worse than me, were happier than me. They felt alive. When I compared myself to them I couldn't understand. I had had okay marks, most of them had at least a single "C" in their attestates. Yet why do they look like people with a future brighter than mine? I couldn't understand this at the time - I had a few hunches, but nothing more. >Of course my mother was so happy that I didn't even try to have a social life or played sports. Especially for not taking interest in girls. I didn't even try back then, I mean what was the point, my mother would get furious if I had a girlfriend. "He is a good boy staying at home and not drinking or getting home late at night," she would say to other people. This. So much this. Midway through highschool after seeing my decline in performance and scolding me for a year's time with no results, she completely changed her attitude: she became disappointed in me and lost all of her faith in me. I'd have these late-evening talks (although they felt like lectures) about my own future, how I'd become a homeless bum, how I had no future e.t.c. Yet at the same time she dropped her hypocritical mask, and at least started telling me that drinking is alright, getting wasted is alright, girls are okay. Yet after years of negative inculcation from her side, and after developing hatred for all these things myself, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. And just like your mother, she now rebukes me for everything she had taught me before. I've never expected for a talk like this one to unfold on Lainchan of all boards I visit. Thank you too, Lain. Hope everything works out for you out there. >>1026 Ow the edge.

For some reason nobody talks to me through the internet, I started using social media again like 6 months ago but nobody chats, texts or calls me ever, not like I did something specifically wrong or bad that makes people not want to talk to me since I get along with everyone and when I hang out with friends and acquaintances me and them have a blast. Its a weird feeling, most of my friends get called by other friends out of the blue all the time but nobody hangs out with me or talks to me in a casual manner, like today, normal tuesday I just went and came from work but I didn't talk to anybody if it wasnt necessary and if it werent for the weekend and planned activities I wouldnt talk to a lot of people. I've always been a loner but it really hit me the other day when my mom sent me a text telling that she wanted to talk to me since she hadn't heard of me in two weeks (I was busy at work) and wasn't sure when to call me even though I've repeteadly told her in the past that she can call me at any time for any reason, I always have to start the conversations if I want something to happen, nobody ever calls me not even my mom. I don't know what is wrong and I'm probably just thinking too much about it, maybe is just social media bias that makes me believe that everyone is having a better time than me, maybe my depressed self seeps out more than I think another posibility is that I'm a horrible person and everyone knows but me. I wonder how long would it take for people to notice if I die.

>>1028 >I don't know what is wrong and I'm probably just thinking too much about it You've stated the cause of the whole situation in your own post: "I just went and came from work but I didn't talk to anybody if it wasnt necessary and if it werent for the weekend and planned activities I wouldnt talk to a lot of people." You've hit the nature of human relationships. It's all about the small talk and "hanging out", at least for the Extraverts, who happen to be the majority in any group ever. You're an Introvert, I suppose, but you won't open up, and that's what people want: they want you exposed to them as much as possible. Though it's less about your personality and interests, it's more about the social energy you willingly give them every day. Talk, just talk, show yourself as a body they can parasitize on, and they will gravitate towards you every day. It'll be hard for you, as the image of a "loner" and "that guy who only talks about jobs" has already been stapled on you. So now, it's you who must show interest in them and take the lead. Do trash like "small talk" and discuss things that are hot among them right now, though try to do it in an unobtrusive form, as if it's a remark, like: "Oh hey, did I hear (something)? You (watch/read/whatever) it too?", and then slowly enter the discussion, feigning interest in the subject and accelerating as you go, it's important not to back down or end it prematurely, so choose the time and place of talks wisely - if it's not you who will botch it up, then it will most certainly be some other reason. I should also note that such an approach takes a lot of research to be done before actually practising it. All of the above is pretty much the reason I don't engage in social activity anymore. It's sort of disgusting, if you think about it. The competition and parasitism are present even in communication, and you either accept it and remain what basically is a source of power, or reject it to be stigmatized "a creep" or whatever, when it's them who are the real creeps, who see nothing wrong in this process. There is an exception, however. Make friends with fellow Intraverts. It's the best and safest bet. At least the relationships aren't unequal from the "social energy" standpoint and aren't built entirely on the concept of giving and taking.

I've only lasted one semester of engineering, and I can't take it anymore. I'm going to change to journalism, but I don't know how to explain to my friends and family that I was too dumb for a course I worked me ass off in high school to get into.

>>1018 I've been battling my depression since I was 7. My parents never took notice and merely saw it as a phase that I would grow out of. Into my teen years, it started getting worse but my parents still think that it is another phase. I don't feel good or excited to do anything. I used to enjoy doing digital art, playing video games, and reading. Now I don't have the motivation to do anything. I feel worthless and miniscule in the long run Going back to college soon and I am worried about my inability to even think clearly. My parents don't help and my mom just pesters me. She finds my weaknesses and just goes straight in for the insult everytime. She calls me a lazy and a pathetic excuse of a person. She pretends to be nice to me in public and will make me a villain to others. My dad is no different. He views me as a personal therapist and insults me way worse than my mom. He drinks a lot and always wants to antagonize me and has drunken fights with my mom over stupid things. He always thinks he is the best and the smartest person in the world. He defends my mom's abuse because of her mental illness (bipolar disorder and schizophrenia). I don't know Lainanons. I feel like soykaf.

>>1033 I feel ya, mate. Have you considered moving out? I have a somewhat similar situation and I feel like it's the only option. My mom clearly has paranoia. She's talking about how people are following and monitoring her 24/7 aswell as plotting things against her. I'm pretty sure it's all BS because no one gives a soykaf about a 50 year old cleaning lady. She refuses any kind of treatment so I simply am unable to help her. At the same time I'm sick of hearing the crazy talk every single day and just wanna move out and never see her again. Moving should be possible once I get my diploma next year. As for the lack of motivation to do anything, I'm struggling with that too and there's no solution in sight.

My career's at a total standstill before it even started. I spent years doing an electrical engineering degree and now I'm employed casually as a coder. My boss is awesome and I bet there are plenty of people who'd kill for a lifestyle like mine (get into the office at 9, code, leave at 5, four days a week - it's not a bad gig), but I'm so bored I'm pulling my hair out. I keep thinking of joining the navy, and the jobs that I could do are hiring right now. I've talked to people on linkedin and soykaf about whether it's worth doing, and they all speak really highly of it. It looks great, but I'll probably lost a good number of my friends and have to severely limit the rest of them because my friends are all very left wing and anti-military. I was anti-military too for a couple of years, but I think I've come around to it - you can join without being immoral if you take responsibility for your actions and accept the consequence of that, and that counts for every path of life. But I sometimes wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself of something I don't really believe in - it was a pretty quick turn, I couldn't imagine joining the military this time last year. So now I'm at an impasse for where to go, because I fear I'll lose so many wonderful people in my life because of my choices. And yet, it's the only kind of future that looks at all interesting or exciting to me right now - in comparison, everything looks dull. I'm 25, I've only got another 10 years or so to peak physically and then it's all down hill, and I want to make the most of what I have - being physically active, seeing the world, learning cool soykaf, meeting new people. And I know my girlfriend will be so proud of me if I join, she's from a navy family and she's a sucker for a man in a naval uniform. I don't know what to do, I'm languishing in the place I'm at right now and can't keep going past the end of this year.

>>1027 I know, right? That's how I beat my crippling family issues, depression and since I moved out and got my own place, I can watch anime on the big screen anytime I want and I'm also pursuing a masters in Game and Software engineering while holding down an average job that pays the bills. I also paid off my mortgage a few months ago. Feelsgoodman. You can do it, lainon. I believe in you.

>>1021 >Or I could quit university, which is even worse idea. Why the hell is that so bad idea? Or is that bad idea in your moms judgment? If getting away from home and parents can make you a bit happier I would say it's totally worth it. If you find a job you can put your studies on hold and resume them when you get some footing in life. Or continue them next year as external studies while working, they should accept marks you got till the point you quit. If everything pans out you can be a man of your own making withing month or two.

Parent pressure is probably the reason for neetdom I have noticed. It would have been true for me if I never left for university. It would have been true if I didnt meet people who gave me strength to break out. The worst part is by most measures they can be seen as good parents, and they often arent consciously trying to keep you home. However their own deep set psychological issues have leaked out and are perceived by the child. With the internet, its now possible to gain a world perspective outside our parents. We no longer are our parents, we can pick and choose a perspective that matches our innate desires and personality. The bad part is this comes from "the internet". In actuality it comes from other people, but to someone unable to escape home the internet itself appears to be the saving grace, the place to self express and be who you want. Real life people they (or you) are surrounded by makes you want to end yourself while the people on the internet give you home and hope. the popular strategy I noticed among these parents is that during a kids rebellious phase, instead of just getting angry when they go against their wishes, the parents have a way of making the child feel bad about what they are doing. Rebellion isnt a conflict of interest or punishment worthy but rather "im hurting my parents". Yet things such as moving out or getting a job are that conflict, not a source of shame. Conflict in a child doesnt actually make a child think "I shouldnt do this" it makes a child think "I shouldnt do this around my parents" which is actually a good thing. It sets boundaries but still respects the wishes of the child, and its more how healthy real life relationships work. You are your own person who is going to do what you want, but you understsnd you shouldnt do things around certain people because they wont like it. It isnt a pervasive sense of guilt around doing what you want because an overbearing figure will be upset or hurt by it. A parent should be psychologically stable, yet many are psychologically dependent on their kids. I think the first step is seeing your parents as an enemy. This is temporary, they maybe arent bad people but for a little while you will have to see them as something to overcome, not your parents. My mom now when talking admits she passed off her insecurities to me, we have a much better relationship after I left then before. I can be a lot more open with her. Once you are on your own you will have gained independent confidence to talk to your parents like people and not always shy away from them for fear of expressing something that might hurt them. Largely because you wont be so emotionally fragile, and you will expect the same from others. ESPECIALLY your parents.

>>1038 >Why the hell is that so bad idea? Because I don't aspire doing minimal wage job like my mother. Job market is bad at it is. Sure I can find a job in a big city, too bad that I'm going to make 400€ with zero qualification while paying 200€ for some below average 1-room flat. >If you find a job you can put your studies on hold and resume them when you get some footing in life. Yeah, too bad that education is free now, and won't be later. I'm not a big fan of paying half of my wage to pay for it later. I haven't heard of anybody that quit school and then got back. If anything, you get out of a cycle of studying every day/week. >Or continue them next year as external studies while working, they should accept marks you got till the point you quit. I would be going to work to make money to pay for school. External studies are a joke here anyway. I know that it's somewhat popular to hate on education today, though I don't see a reason to do it. I'm not doing some worthless degree, but actually something that can help me in my career.

>>1039 Well yeah, look at Nippon. Societal pressures combined with high expectations increase the rate of the shut-in phenomenon.

I've always been really empathetic. At a young age I'd feel empathy for everything even mosquitos or ticks. Id worry for people a lot, it was out of hand actually. Recently ive been doubting whether this was true empathy, but it was. I have all the characteristics of someone whos empathetic, I can always see where someones coming from even someone I hate. And people who were maybe a little psychopathic I always had great trouble figuring out why they do what they do (im also very attracted to them). But what was causing the doubt is that ive gotten stronger i've also gotten better at hurting people, I often feel where they are coming from but then am angry because I dont see it as a problem and I know how I would deal with it. I don't know if this is part of growing up or if im becoming a worse person. I've also learned the most from cold or psychopathic people. In my head I often see these people as shining examples of perfect people. Even when they hurt me I don't ever put my problems on others anymore, and I just feel if I was a more likeable person they would have stuck around. Its part of what motivates me in life, being a person people want around. Not letting my emotions get out of check, being stable. I know the people I loved left me when I became a problem to deal with and wasnt handling myself. For a while it was just something because I was lost about who I was and would think "what would X do in this situation". When I finally realized I needed to do what I wanted there wasnt much different anymore. If someones being an emotional drain leave them, if I get into an argument the other person better contact me first or never see me again because I dont have a problem being alone (and by extension they shouldnt either, because everyone needs to learn to be alone). I dont know, theres nothing to do. Im more stable, thats all I ever wanted. I dont let people make me feel guilty anymore, and I dont trust anyone to stick around forever and I expect others to be the same. All I expect is that if people want me around keep in contact and il stay, I don't contact other people because I don't want to get too attatched. I dont contact because at the moment while I enjoy the company of the friends I have they arent the friends I had. And lastly I dont contact other people cause ive had too many friends who only wanted me around only when they said so, and trying to reach out to them led to them leaving because I was being a nuisance. But it still hurts a little when im away or on break and get a message saying why dont you ever text. And it hurts knowing that I can leave anyone and not feel a thing cause I only care about people who probably dont care about me.

People who would give a soykaf if I died: Family. However only two I really care about. People who might: A few friends from back home. One friend here. its weird how many people I see on a daily basis could just kill themselves and not many would know. Like at my college, they dont stand out at all. I think if it wasnt for the fact that I regularly smoke outside the gym and say hi sometimes and im probably to many just part of that environment id be the same. Its always very true for girls that even though they might be decently pretty some just are quiet, not super popular, have a few friends and thats it. I think thats the type that often kills themselves, they are raised to be dependent often, not like guys who are often raised to be super independent and self motivated. I was raised more like a girl having a single mom (who was very unstable and dependent) but I found it in me to not care if im not needed on this earth and do my own thing, but only through interaction with others. In some cases I think often at the height of a persons life a suicide can positively impact those around them, but often its useless and its just sad to think of how many people are just forgotten. In todays society no one cares anymore to hear some parent try and talk and have conferences and presentations about their kids death it just seems like someone still latching on. if I have a kid will I be able to raise someone who can fend for themselves, but still love and be loved? How does one even do that? Is telling them how tough and lonely the world can be at a young age bad? Obviously in a more child friendly way, but the idea would be the same. Is thats what needed or would that create a monster?

I have schizophrenia and can't interact with people in person anymore. It tends to cause shaking and anxiety and sometimes my legs get really weak and I can't stand up. So obviously I'm a NEET that doesn't go outside anymore. What bothers me most about this is that it gets a little lonely. I still have my family, but it's hard to be around even them sometimes, and I can talk to people online. But I kinda miss being physically close to people (and of course any chance of getting a relationship is thrown out the window). Mostly I'm worried about the future. Like what am I gonna do if my support gets cut off? Etc. I dunno, it's like a nagging concern that something awful is looming just over the horizon.

I have a long distance partner of about 9 months. I quite enjoy talking to them and find any reason to, I enjoy being affectionate and checking in on them, and them checking-in on me is a joyous, yet seldom, occasion. But I have a problem, I think it's myself. For a very long time I have insecurities about everything, and I talked to my partner about this and they had reassured me everytime with promises about honesty and "The only thing I find annoying about you is you thinking everything about you is annoying" yet I still get this itch and nagging in my head that says "you don't deserve them", "why do people even see in you?", and "you're pathetic and irritating". After thoughts like this I get the tendency to apologize profusely for being a bother to them and them apologize for apologizing too much and hate myself for being such a sack of soykaf. I've talked to other friend in this mutual circle about it and they say things like "you're not annoying", "you're adorable", "you're an enjoyable person to be around" and these responses get me upset and I fail to wrap my mind around what makes me someone people are okay with being around. Even in real life I have no problems making friends and people describe me and helpful and sweet. What is wrong with me? am I fishing for compliments? Because those kinds of conversations tend to make me breakdown mentally and I don't like to talk about it with the same people so I don't end up being a burden or a bother. This circles back around with my partner and a constant petrifying fear of being inadequate in a relationship yet trying not to be overbearing or too emotional for fear of driving them away. I am so lost

was diagnosed with adhd, bpd, and now autism recently, all within a year. i'm almost 30. it's been hard on me.

>>1052 Try getting some useful skills (art, coding, etc) and do mercenary work online for a few dollars.

Hey lainons. What does a man do when the medication keeping the suffering at bay slowly stops working?

>>1057 Up the dosage or add another. Repeat until nothing works anymore.

>>1056 I learned coding in university and forgot most of it when I graduated. I could probably pick it up pretty easily again, so I guess that's an option. Kinda hoping it doesn't come down to that though.

Funniest story about how I got fired from my part time job of Mcdonalds: >the manager of McDs calls me 2 hours ago >"you are written on in few hours to come to work, just so you know" >weird, since part timers in McDs write their own desired hours and I didn't write that I will work today since I have uni exams this week and next week >double weird because the manager never calls you before the work, even if you written in your desired time >me: "wait just a sec just to check the calendar" >me being an absolute autist I write everything down and have a scheduling skills like a baws >me: "umm, no? I don't have it written in" >"well, I am just calling you because you said to me that you want to work today" >I recall exactly the opposite, he asked me couple of times and I said exactly that I have 2 weeks of exams and can't really move away from book >me:"sorry man, I can't come to work" >him:"you have to understand the situation, there aren't many workers here and we really need help" >a lot of part timers are students and in 2 weeks of exams everyone takes time off to study >me: "sorry, can't do it" >him: "okay, bring in uniform tommorow" >me: "okay bye". Why is this funny? Because the fella probably written me in on his own volition and then called me in to just give me a heads up. And then laid me off because I didn't say "yes mastah"? Jeez the arrogance of these people. Hahahahah, I am still in state of disbelief that they would so uncaringly do whatever they want.

>>1062 Sorry to hear that. It's 100% his fault, he should know better to just hire college students that all have their exams at the same time.

>>1062 Yes that is one thing that bosses do, because they're DA BOSZ they actually think people are going to subject to them, for a motherfucking job at McDonalds.

>go to /q/ >see thread complaining about pedos >thisoughttobelulzy.jpg >thread has a ton of WAAAAAAAH EVERYTHING I DON'T LIKE SHOULD BE derezzed Gotta tell you, the one thing pissing me off more than anything right now is that Lainchan somehow acquired so many fuarrrking censorious crybabies. Getting rid of explicitly illegal material is one thing (even if it shouldn't be illegal), but they need to go back to Reddit if they want a site where no non-normal user ideas are allowed. fuarrrk society and fuarrrk normal users. They're cancer and they have no moral authority to tell anyone what they should do. They're just a bunch of fuarrrking cattle who think whatever the establishment tells them to. PS: Lain is a 14-year-old girl and she's hot. Every guy knows 14-year-olds are hot but the screeching histrionic glitterboys in the US media float a bunch of fake science so they can pretend it's not true because they're full of ugly feminazi bitches and beta males trying to clamp down on fun they'd have no chance of having even if it was legal.

>>1076 Putting aside the moral opposition to pedophilia, the fact of the matter is that being a place that allows such people to discuss their proclivities so openly is eventually going to attract the attention of law enforcement agencies, and put us on their radar. Do you want the FBI crawling up our collective asses? Because I sure as soykaf don't.

>>1077 >14-year-old >Pedo Stop using the newspeak definitions of words and start using the real ones. There is no moral justification for depriving people of their sexual liberty simply on grounds of being under a certain age when so many "adults" demonstrate so much less maturity on a regular basis, and there's also no moral justification for censorship of ideas that go against the mainstream.

>>1076 14 year olds are at least sexually aware 7 year olds are not.

>>1079 We have a discussion here, read this please: https://endchan.xyz/operate/res/1938.html#2311 I would really like you to make an logical argument against the discussion linked.

The inability to express all my thoughts. So much soykaf going on in my mind but I find it so difficult to put it into words.

>>1076 >every guy knows 14 year olds are hot nice projection there buddy, the internet is an echo chamber where you surround yourself with similar people. I don't think 14 year olds are hot, unless they look like they are an average 18-25 year old. and thats exactly what that is, its an average. nothing needs to be changed because some people reach mental and sexual maturity when they are older. At best you could change it to 16, is there really any need to though? Why do you feel it needs to be changed, you act like your speaking for 14 year olds when in reality your a grown ass man who admits he finds 14 year olds hot and you want society to conform around you because as a way to protect yourself youve established its something "every guy would want to do if not for society" which simply isnt true. Its a small group of people, you are doing it for yourself. Some 14 year olds look and are mentally fuarrrking 12, some look 14, and a few blossom early and have plenty of people to fuarrrk THEIR OWN AGE. Nobody is being denied of sexual liberties, you are doing this for yourself. You really care about the few 14 year olds who are sexually mature and have a fetish for dating older dudes?

Recently I've been finding myself nostalgic about the past years, and even longing to relive the end of 90's and beginning of 00's. I want to go back to my childhood. I want to play Super Metroid and SNES games all day long. I want to experience that same magical feeling I had at the New Years Eve of 1999 when we basically entered the new millenium and the future seemed bright. When the Internet was still rough and unpolished, still innocent, despite some weird soykaf you could stumble upon. When there was almost zero percent government surveillance over it. When it had this special charm of a completely new, brave new world yet to be explored, and you were the pilgrim. I want to go back. I really do.

>>1076 Those people are deeply brainwashed. Being attracted to young girls is the new heresy. It's demonized so constantly and absolutely that people start to adopt this behavior. People are malleable. But at the end nature cannot be beaten. Many 14yo girls are interested in older guys, but they avoid their own happiness. To compare one has to consider they would even reject their same-age love interest. Somehow girls start out pure before becoming total whores. At that age chances are still relatively high that they are not yet whores. The problem as an older guy is that you cannot breach the defense, social conditioning makes contact between older guys and younger girls impossible. If it was common 30+ year old women would ahve to stop sleeping around and they hate the idea of being worth nothing on the dating market. It's already hard enough for them to compete with 20 year olds. Here in Germany dating 14 year olds is legal, but I only know of Arabs who actually do it. Unsure how.

>>1053 Hey I had a similar problem for a long time. When I was younger (in highschool) about five years ago I used to apologize all the time for the smallest (perceived) slights I'd apologize if someone ran into me... It became a big joke in my peer group eventually. After a while I realized that whenever I said 'sorry' it had become worthless, I wasn't really sorry about anything I didn't really care. I don't really know what I'm getting at here, but the realization was that one of the most precious things I owned was my 'word' my 'social capital' and every time I said sorry without meaning it I was cheapening myself. It's best to catch yourself whenever you're about to apologize, only say it when you really mean it.

>>1089 >>1078 >>1076 nigger gtfo outta here with your pedoposting

I think im pretty ugly, ive been called either ugly or cute; never attractive so I know im not that. I know im not traditionally attractive but I like to think im maybe attractive in a weird way or something. I was with a really attractive girl for a bit but even she said I was ugly. It got me a bit in a bad mood today because im not positive but it sounded like one of my friends implied I was so ugly I shouldnt even try to look good. I implied that the reason my hair was a certain way was because people told me it looked better like that and he said "personally i wouldnt even bother" and the conversation moved on cause it was a group chat so I didnt ask for clarification. Regardless it wasnt so much what he said cause I could care less it just brought those feelings again. Even though she said I was ugly somebody that attractive liking me in a sexual way made even just a little bit made me feel like I wanted to try and im in decent shape but ive been working out to try and get in good shape and I wash my face everyday and brush my teeth in the morning and at night and have a routine for washing my hair and put lotion on my face every morning because I get skight ecsema and it makes my face stay looking smoother and I go on walks every now and then. I really feel like im trying, I know theres more I could do I guess. I could work out a lot harder, I could and should get a haircut (I like my hair long but it could use some cleanup) I could go to a dermatologist and get exactly what I need to get my skin completely in check, I could do facemasks. I could make sure my whole body is impeccable rather than just my face and hair. The idea that im just too ugly for it to matter makes me just feel so insignificant and makes me want to give up. I like attractive people, I probably wouldnt settle for less unless they had a really outstanding personality. So I should hold myself to those same standards, when I look in the mirror I dont look just totally perfect like some people I see, my face just looks a bit rough. It would be different if it wasnt so clear im not very attractive. But nobody ever crushed on me or anything all through my schooling, I was also really weird so it could have also been that and now in college unless your really attractive girls arent just gonna come up to you of course. The few times a girl has shown interest in me it was always in private like they didnt want people knowing they kind of liked me because im not someone they would be proud of liking. I understand that thinking like this will do nothing and I might as well give it my all because one path produces no results at best and the other will produce no results at worst but its so discouraging. I wish I was one of those scientist type people who just doesnt care how they look and is solely fixated on achieving some field. But I dont really care about anything, its all boring to me and not worth it. The only thing that really makes me happy is someones affection, when people laugh at something I say or want to know me. The only thing I really am interested in, art, im only interested in because I want to express something to other people. I might just be feeling down because I didnt work out or do anything today. I need to remember I have to keep a little busy otherwise I get dissapointed in myself like this. Its summer but this only makes me feel like I should work harder. I wont feel happy after if I just play video games all summer but I will feel happy going into college if I did something I can be proud of over summer. And college is really the only time I can show other people what im made of, I dont know anybody here in this town. Ive always just wanted to impress people. The games I did play were always games where I could show off my skill or something I did to other players.

>>1019 >>1020 >>1021 Good to know I'm not alone atleast. That's something. I fuarrrked up recently regarding this, actually >A month before the end of this year's spring semester >Classes are filling up like crazy and I'm stuck with one of the last time slots >Organic chemistry filled in first two days because admin reserved seats for incoming freshman >Genetics, ecology, and vertebrate biology all filled by middle of the week >Correlates fill up day before I register >I throw a fit, decide "screw it, I'll go to community next semester." I'm starting to realize this was a mistake. I'm only a month home and depression (which I thought I’d finally started making progress on) is back in full swing. Nothing happens around here without parental approval, and retirement fuarrrked both of them up beyond recognition; nothing much has happened around here in 8 years. I was finally getting a handle on my life but fuarrrked up and threw it away for six months because I was petty, so now I’m living with the consequences. I need to get a job if only to avoid taking up attempted suicide as a hobby, but I don’t have a driver’s license (or permit). Hell, I might even have to retake the written test. It’s my laziness, and other’s laziness, and all sorts of apathetic bullsoykaf slowly crushing the life out of me. My therapist is nice, so that’s something.

im not on the precipice, lainons, not even close. but i used to be. ive been horribly abused my entire life and it weighs on me every single day. i have significant reason to believe my mother orchestrated my father's death, setting into motion 15 years of subsequent abuse and neglect and pain. she paraded me around his druggie friends, fuarrrked them all in front of me, let them abuse me, kept me up nightly with screaming and yelling and loud music. has the audacity to demand my love and affection. she won't get it, but her entitlement pisses me off. she got arrested one too many times and i got sent to live with her brother. he's a passive beta male, his wife, my aunt, is a lazy oppressive cunt. they've given me more complexes than i know how to deal with. i'm finally getting out of the house and away from all of it. i'll be living in the dorms come fall. but i'm afraid every day of becoming my mother, seeking only romantic affection, sacrificing everything to get it. i have goals, sure, but they all hinge on one day finding someone to love me through any means necessary. im too loyal to the men i like. i'd let them abuse me if they ended up being that sort of person. there's a guy i like now, we have a nice sort of fwb thing going. i like him too much. i feel like he doesnt want me emotionally at all and it feels like someones taking barbed wire and dragging it over my chest. i wont tell him how i feel even though at the beginning he said the last thing he wanted was for me to get hurt. it's not him hurting me, it's me hurting me. me and my stupid, horrible, fallacious psychology. it doesnt feel normal, how bad i want love. i just want to feel like somebody's #1, and this guy is just... so awesome. sigh.

>>1102 I havent gone what youve gone through but also feel how much I want love isnt normal, and know the feelings you describe. I dont really have anything else to say just thought maybe this would give you some hope that its something you can fix and not deeply engrained from years of abuse. That its something seperate.

>>1102 i relate pretty exactly to how you describe for unrequieted love, sux q_q assuming you haven't already done so, wait it out for 2-3 months at most and no longer; great if you manage to move on by then, but if you don't you need to address it. end the relationship, confess your feelings or w/e but from experience, if it lasts that long it won't go away by itself after that the only thing i'd be wary of otherwise is the fact that you're looking for any love, not just this guy's. i appreciate it's easier said than done, but you'd be much more likely to have a good relationship with the guy if you're seeking him out in particular, although i guess that as it is, it would hurt less if it doesn't work out. as for the family stuff, i think the fact that you can even acknowledge/reflect on something that you fear _may_ become the case puts you a step up above the people you're comparing yourself to good luck lain! sorry for only having advice on the relatively superficial (relatively) part of your post

Dunno if it's a right place Fag from a small city here the type that's great on repressing feelings, 've been in love once and it ended horribly horribly bad How the fuarrrk gay relationships even work? I moved to a big city about a year ago and though i might give it a shot but i am utterly clueless about anything. I mean it would be nice to know anything even though i do a pretty good job at not thinking about it so far

>>1103 >>1105 thanks lain. it honestly helps so much just knowing that there are people like you out there that have a sense of empathy.

>>1106 honestly? it kinda depends on what you're looking for/what you are. if youre a lesbian, your relationship experience and dating navigation is going to differ greatly from that of say, a gay drag queens/etc. no matter what buzzfeed likes to pretend, not all gay people try to preach that the dynamic of gay relationships are anything like that of your typical straight one, even if that is the case for many. you have to ask yourself questions about what you want from the relationship, as gay people, in my experience, tend to be much more open than others about that sort of thing from the get-go. are you looking for sex? emotional support? short term vs. long term? which is more important to you? casual dating vs serious dating? if you're a gay man, are you looking for something equal, or do you prefer to be more submissive or dominant? do you have a type? are you interested in anal, or not? if you're a lesbian woman, are you even looking for sex at all? there are many lesbian relationships that forego sex entirely, contrary to popular belief, just as there are many hypersexual lesbian couples. honestly, it's a lot of trial and error. all dating is. but it does help in the gay community to have SOME idea of what youre looking for.

>>1108 you knew any glitterboys who are more like lesbians? I mean, i don't really look for sex >there are many lesbian relationships that forego sex entirely. this bit really appeals to me for some reason.

>>1114 Sure! If you're one for the labels you might advertise yourself as a sex-repulsed or sex-neutral asexual, but using faggy words like that may attract annoying sjw types. You could just be like "not looking for sex" though you'll probably still have to sift through a bunch of horndogs before you find the right guy.

I'm doing very well but I'm afraid of things eventually falling apart resulting in me resorting back to being full-on NEET. But I'll try my best not to give up since I've made it this far after a couple of years with no merely no progress. I thought I was as good as dead and couldn't imagine living past the age of eighteen. My relationships with relatives have improved drastically even though there is still some disputes but it'll probably always remain that way so there's no use trying to control others/the situation. I am thankful for these opportunities that will lead me to an escape route out of the rut that I once was. Trying to improve my skills every day so I can become fully independent. Although one issue that I'm not sure how to deal with is loneliness. I never cared for having friends much because I receive no benefits from these connections. Coalitions seem superficial and fake after a while. So why do I feel this way? Isolation gives me the most prolonged joy out of anything in the world. Plus it's wonderful not having to worry about the emotions of companions. It's a gateway for more personal time.

I need to stop vices. I have to drink or smoke (weed or shisha or cigarettes) every night and jack off once a day. Additionally I spend 1-3 hours a day on reddit/4chan/youtube. It's compulsive and I really hate it all. I'm 20, I'm feeling successful in life, know a lot of skills, know plenty of people, and make decent money as a linux admin, but I feel like this is holding me back. I just keep coming back after tiny breaks or trick myself. If I have drugs I will do them. Anyone have experience with this?

>>1083 >have plenty of people to fuarrrk THEIR OWN AGE I think it's funny how you capitalize this as though it makes one bit of difference. It's like you expect me to care about your opinion or something.

>>1142 You demonstrate not caring about someone's opinion by not replying at all. Lain made some valid points and you picked the one thing out of a lengthy post that you thought had the potential of reflecting your own analpain back. It's kind of like admitting defeat.

>>1142 Try not to get baited by pedoposters or polposters.

Lately I feel as though my life is going nowhere. My dad is recovering after an injury he got working, my job is barely enough to get me by when bills come around despite working 40 hours a week, and I feel depressed even though I shouldn't be. My life is alright, no real trouble, it's just I need a friend or someone, and I can't get that at home because it's a soykaf hole that we don't have the money to fix. About the only thing that brings me any feeling of content is talking to friends online. And even then I can't make time to meet them as they're so far away or they're going through their own problems at home. I'd go out with friends, if I had any; I don't drink and I'm awkward in social places like bars. I'll just sit by myself usually. I guess I just can't connect with anyone here. I'm too quiet and boring for most people and I can't force myself to cheer up or live a little since I hate the idea. I'm not sure what to do.

I thought I was bidding for extremely cheap 8gb flash drive on ebay. Won it for few cents until I saw that it had 14$ shipping price. That slimy seller. I just removed my paypal from the acc and removed the card from paypal just in case. Also, contacted the seller but I assume thats his mode of earning seeing how all his items are auctions going out (bellow 1 min) and absurd shipping prices

I'm sick and tired of being on the internet. It isn't the internet itself; it used to be an okay place back when I was more impressionable, and I am still able to find interesting things to read, listen, watch or interact with. 90% of the time, though, the internet just feels like a void filled with mental garbage. I feel that social media did this; while it is common to go online to be connected with others and remain in contact, the internet used to be a place where you would escape the physical world and just do whatever. Of course it was lame in some ways, but at least you weren't bombarded with other people's bullsoykaf all the time. Almost no matter where you go, you have to deal with the lowest common denominator. I'll be quite frank and admit that it used to be rare for me to run into truly stupid individuals until roughly 2013 or so; now I'm well aware of the fact that most people really don't have any brains, or if they do, they no longer bother to use them so much. In fairness, I still remember the most stupid person I've ever met online, and that was long before now. Talking to that guy was like talking to someone who was about to rape you in jail. I might come off as a narcissist, but I'm not. I barely have any social presence online, I don't like talking about myself (although I used to), I don't take selfies, I don't tweet, and I don't even have a smartphone. I'm simply someone who is so disconnected with others and does not spend his time online in any real social manner. I mean, if you want to be social, why don't you just have a chat with someone in real life? I can do that. Admittedly, it is harder for me now since I'm in my 30s and people eventually think that you are a creep (especially those older than you, oddly enough), but it is a lot more satisfying than whatever I've done online. Not many people understand that anymore, though. It seems that these days, you're only online if you want to be social. And with that, I don't want to be online anymore. I barely find any interesting pictures and artwork anymore, and that is like kicking dead whales down the beach. I guess that I'm drifting further apart in a way, although I'll never know if I'm better or worse in that regard. Another thing is that I don't want to be a NEET anymore. I feel like a parasite who just takes government money. But no one would hire me for anything worthwhile, and I don't want to be stuck in this town that just has seven years of bad memories and stagnancy, so I just don't know what to do.

>>1143 >mocking a retard means you care about their opinion LOL, the outrage squad is actually this desperate because they know more and more people are seeing through their bullsoykaf every day. >valid points Well, let's just have a look-see at some of these "valid" points, shall we? >the internet is an echo chamber where you surround yourself with similar people >Nobody is being denied of sexual liberties >nothing needs to be changed because some people reach mental and sexual maturity when they are older If you consider "every right I don't like doesn't count as freedom because I said so" to be a valid point, you might just be an idiot.

>>1149 $14 is a normal shipping price in my country... Your fault for not seeing it

My old fwb keeps posting pictures of herself in her underwear and soykaf on snapchat, its driving me nuts. We had a bit of a falling out, a long time ago so im not why shes posting this. She didnt really give a soykaf, I did thats kind of why things didnt work out. The obvious answer is just remove her, but I want to repair things with her a bit. I tried just removing her from all social media and getting angry but it didnt work, adding her back a few weeks later was pretty shameful and im surprised she accepted. I wont even be able to talk to her till next semster. And i wont be able to talk to her about THAT till we start talking as friends again. I have this delusional idea in my head that i can make her love me for real. Its because im a lot more mature now but im still leagues away from ideal and also there was other reasons she said we could never be together and its things I cant change ever. She was perfect in every way almost. Except for being extremely cold and on the surface us having almost nothing in common. However under that we were almost identical. I often get the feeling with some people that they are like me except a few years behind. She was the first time I saw me but a few years ahead. Maybe its a self fulfilling prophecy but as time passes that seems to be more and more true. Except if it is who knows where she is now. Theres gotta be a cap right on human development? I feel so behind sometimes, when am I gonna catch up to the rest of the world?

>>1152 curious, where do you live? In my country <4$ for shipping is considered normal

I attract insecure people, then they leave when they are feeling secure again. I'm too "nice", I don't have thick enough skin, and not to mention it's how I was raised. I heard my mom calling me a soykafhead and giving completely flipped scenarios of things that were actually happening to our aunt when she was trying to justify the way she lives or something. In person she says i'm really smart and that i'm smarter than I think. I think she probably means that, but I don't care, i'm not gonna be a justification for people to continue acting how they do while they soykaf on me, the one person making them feel all safe and comfortable. I've never felt all safe and comfortable; in fact at this point I realize I think you shouldn't ever feel all safe and comfortable. I notice there has been times i've done what she did to me to feel more safe and comfortable (use people as excuses, put people down). Thank god I went to college and I have a way out, I know if I stayed home it would be like this forever till she died. She has never abused me, she's paid for a lot of my things, so she can easily say "you shouldn't complain there is a lot worse out there". However what she has done is encouraged a very mediocre lifestyle, any attempts at me to try and improve myself she always has kind of laughed at or belittled. She never really encouraged me to do anything, not her fault and now that I see I need to encourage myself I hope she just realizes it's not gonna be what she wants. I'm not going to let my mom get in the way of me doing things I want to do, she can laugh all she wants. She just wants everything to be safe and nothing to change because she was abused as a kid and probably never quite got over it and thinks she's always doing things for other people when in reality it's just for herself. Always complaining that she has to do all the work. I don't care anymore, i'm probably going to seem like a huge asshole in the coming years but if thats what it takes it is what it takes. I nearly let her drag me down again, I was having a pretty productive start to this break. I was working out everyday, learning some comp sci stuff on my free time, drawing a bit, walking and then maybe 2 hours of just wasting time playing video games. It's starting to get back to how it was in high school when I had no friends where i'm just playing video games all day (something she loved to point out when I argued with her about doing something but never really cared to try and stop me). To my dear friend who shall remain nameless, you were probably the best thing to happen to ever me. Even though your selfish cruel self destroyed me and i'l probably never love again, slowly i'm building a me that can push through and motivate himself. You showed me how to live for myself through example, and how to not let people drag you down and just in general not give a soykaf. No more "break days", no more respect, and no more daydreaming.

>>1159 Oh and also thanks to my dad who I don't remember. Something in your genepool must have passed on that made me realize what the fuarrrk was happening around me. I'm sorry for always making jokes about you dying to my friends, it's all in good sport. I don't quite know what kind of person you were but I heard you had a lot of problems, were kind of fuarrrked up and I do remember you had a pretty good sense of humor.

>>1018 I got great grades for the entire scholastic year. But... my final exams are probably gone horribly bad, which could jeopardize my economic support, without which I may not be able to pay my next year at college. Not really sure what to do at this point... I really hate myself... I'm simply mentally exhausted... if I only had a little time to recover I could have gotten the usual grades...

A cute girl has sparked within me the burning pain of romantic interest once again, and it's been sending me down a path of sudden ups and downs, once again demonstrating that I'm too immature to be in an actual relationship. Currently wallowing in despair as I contemplate once again a life where I'm alone forever and she finds the perfect man. Also it's my birthday next week. I never really celebrate it but a friend suggested something that didn't sound terrible so maybe I'll do that. So far a whopping 2 people are going (friend who proposed it and my roommate), MAYBE 3 more. So fuarrrking pathetic. This is why I don't celebrate, the low turnout depresses me so much. Almost everyone I know is just friends of my roommate, should I invite them maybe too? I just don't know what to do ;_;

>>1167 >I just don't know what to do I may sound like an asocial retard, but if I were you, I would avoid. Chicks will end up making you feel miserable, and personally celebrating birthdays, especially with people you don't really know, is rarely a good time.

>>1168 I'm just tired of that though. My strategy my whole life has been avoiding everything, now I'm almost 26, alone, very few real friends. I just want stuff to work out, yknow? I want to have a fun birthday where I hang out with friends, spend time with the girl I like, etc. I feel like I deserve at least that.

>>1171 I'm in a nearly identical situation. But, honestly, I'm kinda starting to feel like that's the way I'm supposed to be. Maybe a little melancholy, nihilist and angry all the time, possibly in a good way. Grills happen to give me attention from time to time, but I don't feel like I need them at all...

>>1076 >illegal material being attracted is your sexual preference . . . whatever but consuming "illegal material" is just as bad as rape your supporting this disgusting industry your stereotypes are so bad they're laughable changing the law so younger uneducated teens can legally "consent" has no justification. i mean how can someone who is finishing middle school agree to something that could affect them the rest of there life. Jesus both my father and best friends were molested I've seen first hand the psychological damage this can have. >>1083 the truth

>>1174 other anon. i guess i sorta get what you mean, i sometimes feel that "acceptance", am not yet at your level but i am getting there slowly.

Does anyone else have a really hard time with physical contact? I physically recoil when someone brushes me on the street or touches me on accident. I can't stand hugs from my family or even just sitting next to someone and touching at the shoulder. I don't even know why - I wasn't abused as a kid, had a normal childhood, no serious accidents or anything like that, just sort of lonely. What really drives home the feels is that I still want it. I'm a khv and I hug my pillow at night for comfort. Just once I want to fall asleep with someone next to me or hold hands. I feel an ache in my chest when I see couples together at the park. It starts to eat away at my feelings of self worth eventually. Like everyone has something that I didn't get to when I was younger and now I'll never catch up or like I'm some kind of deformed freak because I've never experienced something the 14 year old kids at the middle school on the south side of town are doing during lunch.

>>1185 I'm in a similar situation, lain. Except that I don't react that way when people touch me, and I don't crave for it either. Most of my acquaintances realize that I don't feel comfortable with physical contact and learn to act accordingly. I realize that that kind of behaviour makes me look like a freak though, so I am slowly trying to overcome it.

>>1176 >being attracted is your sexual preference . . .whatever but consuming "illegal material" is just as bad as rape If I watch footage of a terrorist attack, does that mean I support suicide bombings and running random people over with cars? Christ, that argument is Anita Sarkeesian-tier. Then again I sometimes see some feminist fuarrrktard talking about white male privilege bullsoykaf in these boards, so maybe that's you. I don't know how the hell you fagg0ts ever started thinking you were welcome on imageboards or the internet in general, but...oh wait, yes I do, you're fuarrrking stupid. >your supporting this disgusting industry >your >horny teenieboppers filming themselves banging for free is an industry k then >changing the law so younger uneducated teens can legally "consent" has no justification. You have to prove that any given thing should be derezzed, not the other way around. Also, you're too dumb to determine who's educated and who isn't. >i mean how can someone who is finishing middle school agree to something that could affect them the rest of there life. >there life >there See what I mean? >Jesus both my father and best friends were molested I've seen first hand the psychological damage this can have. Being tied down, drugged and felt up by Uncle Badtouch isn't anywhere close to the same as a high school girl loving a handsome adult guy. I'd say that fact should be obvious, but for someone who can't perform elementary school grammar tasks and yet somehow considers themselves qualified to determine what high schoolers can do, it probably needs special attention drawn to it.

>>1189 >your supporting this disgusting industry >If I watch footage of a terrorist attack, does that mean I support suicide bombings and running random people over with cars? Don't you also pay your bi-weekly subscription of $9.11 to your choice of live leak services to get the latest gore and terrorist footage streamed in the comfort of your own home? It's as if people don't even want to fund indie murder and terrorism anymore and instead send all the money to corporations like the military and CIA to murder and commit terrorist attacks instead.

>>1189 You're just as bad as they are though, letting yourself get "triggered" so hard.

>>1189 SPOILER: not everyone lives in your glorious MMMMURRIGA/UK don't blame people for their grammar

Not mutually exclusive were you joking? you gotta tag your jokes man Present Day, Present Time! AHAHAHAHAHA!

I feel like Im slowly going to become a neet again, I really need to see a psy and/or get drugs and find a job before its too late again

>>1210 Born again NEET here. Dragging yourself out of your parents' house and into reality as a teen is one challenge. Starting over again after being an independent adult and suffering numerous meltdowns and having no financial safety net is quite a bit harder. When you're 20, people will give you a chance to prove yourself with jobs or whatever. The older you get with nothing to show for your efforts, the more skeptical everyone is. Also when you're young and have no job or direction in life, dating is still a possibility. At my age everyone is either taken or their time is occupied with career or a kid. The single ones left are responsible adults who want another responsible adult who is "going places" and has things like "plans" or "dreams" (I googled those... not for me).

Hi Lains, I have a lot on my mind that I would like to talk about. I do not know if it will be particularly insightful or coherent because I am just typing things as they come but I am going to try to make some sense. I am really feeling more socially isolated than I have in a long time. Had someone I enjoyed talking to online but they disappeared. I am pretty sure it is my fault but I can't read social situations well so I never saw it coming and I'll never really be sure. I had a lot of love and respect for them as a person and appreciated their friendship a lot. I have not made many friends in my life so it was important to me even though it was just a stupid online thing. Aside from my life being empty, things aren't going particularly well either. I've been dealing with treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder nos, dp/dr for a long time now. I was diagnosed a little over 2 years ago but it started when I was a teenager. Was hospitalized once but it wasn't too bad all things considered. I've been doing a combination of therapy and meds. Currently taking nortriptyline and quetiapine. Doc's bumping the quetiapine up to try to get my mood stable but if it doesn't work he wants to add lithium. I don't mind ingesting weird chemicals but I'd really just like to feel okay. I've been trying to make small lifestyle changes to help too but it's so damn hard when you don't want to exist most of the time and barely feel like you do in the first place. I've been trying to develop a simple morning routine to make sure I have a reasonably regular sleep schedule, and take care of myself a little bit. Showering, dental hygiene, etc. I've also been doing some stretching. I don't think I can really exercise much but I figure even stretching must help a little. I've also been going on long summer nightwalks to curb the depressive/anxious thoughts. One other thing I've been trying is mindfulness which I found an online course for and it seems to be a bit helpful for my anxiety but only short-term and in subtle ways. But some of the stuff I've learned about helps me sleep. School isn't going well either. I'm math/cs but I'm soykaf at it and everything else. GPA is 2.08, on academic probation. Trying not to fail entirely. Not sure if I'll make it. I'd drop out but all my access to mental health resources comes from school. I'd probably be fuarrrked otherwise. I really don't want to fail because I figure if I can finish something I might not feel as bad about myself as I currently do. Not to mention the tens of thousands of dollars of debt that would be much more difficult to deal with without a degree. I don't know what to do. I'm just so damn tired. I feel like I've put more effort into the short, mediocre 20 years I've been alive than most people put into a lifetime and I have fuarrrking nothing to show for it and there is no indication that things will ever get any better. I'm tired of feeling alone, I'm tired of never having motivation or willpower, I'm tired of being dragged unwillingly through time instead of being an active participant in life. I'm tired of being a social outcast. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think that's it. Sorry.

i think I took myself a little too seriously. I think maybe there is layers to life. This is all just my opinion, obviously, but I think treating life as a layered game helps with the depression a bit. Survival isnt a game, your job and friends arent really games but arent as serious as survival, your goals can be games. Your personal self development and internal struggles with everyday things are a bit of a game. It gets kind of confusing cause there is crossover, like people have died playing games playing games with their goals. I dont know if this makes any sense. I was being very lighthearted today and I realized I was faking it a bit. But I do take myself way too seriously. Thinking my issues like finding love and what not are the center of the world , listening to music like its a soundtrack for my life or something. Im not a super dramatic personbut the times I have been were always huge failures. I used to be really good at acting until I lost a lot of self confidence and still enjoy acting in a weird way. People always think its hilarious and spot on when I do impersonations of people we dont like and what not. its obviously something core to my personality. Again probably cause im good at convincing myself I am someone else. This is pretty cringey to myself even but often when I meet someone I really like or watch a documentary on someone I really admire I act like them. I do it semi unconsciously. It used to be extreme as a kid but I have it under control now to the point where you cant immediately tell but I know some smart people pick up on it and I always feel like soykaf even if they dont say anything. i dont know actors must be very lost as to who they are and have a lot of problems. Its a good thing I think that I was too self conscious to continue down that.

I have stuff to do for past monday but I spent all days looking at the wall being depressed and anxious So it's time to get drunk, it's the only drug I have available here I wish I could ignore that reality is going to come back and bite me in the ass I want to go travelling in the world or try psychedelics and hope it will be like a shock therapy and change me but Im also pretty sure it's just a delusion and it can't be that easy

>>1167 Gotten even worse, like things always do She's clearly interested in my roommate, who has said he's interested in her Now I'm going to get to enjoy my birthday get together as a several hour long event where I pretend I don't notice or care that they're flirting This is why I don't do public events. People always hurt me. I wish I lived by myself again. This is just more proof I'll die alone by my own hand eventually. I hate my dead end life

Ever since I was 14 or 15 I had a nagging feeling that my parents and everyone I ever knew and loved were all part of same secret spy agency and that I am a human experiment. It isn't full on 100% because then there would be no reason for typing this out to you, because you would be all spies but from time to time I have a feeling that I am controlled in various ways and often gaslighted.

>>1249 i'll sound horrible and totaly like a spy to you but get a doctor, now

>>1247 It's never worked for me but maybe milk that birthday sympathy for some platonic kisses or something. People who would otherwise never notice your mood hate to see you sad on your birthday.

>>1249 it's called paranoia

>>1249 This can be a symptom of a number of serious mental illnesses including schizophrenia. You need to see a doctor.

>>1251 I'm incapable. I've worn a mask my whole life. I would feel even worse in the long run trying to guilt people. Everyone thinks I'm just a happy, funny, quiet guy. No one knows what I'm feeling. I'm terrified they'll all leave me if I become complicated. I feel so awful. even posting about this stuff makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like I'm asking for attention

>>1160 You've got a good head on your shoulders. Despite not knowing your father, he would be proud of you, I'm sure of it. Take care Lainanon.

Coming home from uni for the summer, I was actually feeling pretty confident and, maybe not happy, but definitely optimistic for the first time in a while. Started exercising regularly, chasing my various dreams, setting hard but achievable goals for the summer, looking for employment, and brainstorming ideas for projects and vacations to do with the few friends I'm still close to in my hometown. And then I got hired. I landed my first job (working in food service industry) a little over two weeks ago. I was expecting it to be hard, and I was willing to work hard, but I don't think I was prepared for what full-time employment would actually be like. My hours aren't really longer than anyone else's, but since I wash dishes and I'm the only dishwasher during the shifts I get assigned to, I'm working constantly. Best case scenario is that I'm rinsing and loading plates, bowls, etc. into the machine as they arrive, and unloading them as they finish. It's either that or I'm stuck going through massive pileups from peak hours. And since I'm considered kitchen staff, I also get to take out the trash, stock up the pantry and refrigerators, and prepare raw food for the chefs to cook. Even after my shift is over, I'm still expected to work overtime to clean any remaining dishes, my workspace, and do anything the kitchen needs for the next shift/day, which usually means I'm stuck there an extra hour or so. After I'm truly done with work and make it home, I'm so exhausted that all I really have the energy to do is shower and waste what free time I have on vidya or naps. I knew it would be like this - it's horrible to even think about what kind of person I might be if I didn't. The idea of quitting seems stupid and immature for a number of reasons: at the very least I should expect to hang in there for another six weeks so I don't get screwed over on the next interview I have. I definitely need the money if I want to have any kind of financial security this summer. Though my coworkers work at least as hard as I do, they still manage to be pleasant and helpful in contrast to my quiet focus. I resent the possibility of being compared to the last guy who was slacking off whenever he wasn't stoned on the job, and I know I'd regret letting my coworkers down since they were so desperate to hire me. And I feel immature just thinking about the fact that I would be quitting the first job I've ever had because I couldn't hack it in the real world, when several friends and relatives have relied on hourly wage jobs for decent portions of their lives. To top it all off, it's one which I only got because a friend and former employee referred me. But I'm basically forced to work overtime, every day I have less energy I'm already getting cynical and jaded as a result of resenting the freedom that I've had to sacrifice, and basically my life is on hold until August at the least. TL;DR I hate my job and what my life is now but I'm disinclined to leave it both because of money and "waah life is like kicking dead whales down the beach my job is hard" feels too naïve, so I'm stuck between trying to figure out whether I'm fuarrrking mental or simply incompetent.

>>1273 I just realized that a more accurate description for my mental state right now is not quite that I hate my job, but I hate who it's turning me into... fuarrrk.

>>1249 I used to get that until was faced with reality and found the delusion hard to maintain. Mass surveillance is being used in an attempt to control and monitor everyone, but unless you do something that a government finds actually threatening to their programs, they just don't care. You are a human experiment, but such an insignificant one that no ones going to personally sacrifice lots of their time and maintain complete silence on the existence of some experiment about you that they are actively carrying out just on you, because other's lives are just not that important to them. Just a lazy surveillance net has been laid out as an experiment on everyone and unless some subversive activities of yours like terrorism or getting in the way of corporate interests get on their radar they just don't give a fuarrrk.

I don't want to grow up. I don't want to learn how to drive, I don't want to get a job, I don't want to do anything but play videogames and draw boobies. My boyfriend who will happily let me live with him and do these things all day. I'm not sure if i should just accept his offer and be a complete neet or try and get a job to develop social skills and a sense of accomplishment**(and to see if it will help with my depression)**, but I have no desire to do so.

>>1273 Learn to daytrade, git decently gud (or use optionshouse analysis for easy gains), and after you feel you are good enough, quit and look for a better job.

>>1277 this is what my mother basically is she's a terrible mother

>>1277 Do you have a pleasant voice? Do you have a camera? Then you're ready for a career in youtubing, slugger!

>>1150 Honestly, do we even have time to complain about the internet anymore? You sound like me, in the sense that you're deeply disappointed by old hobbies and communities. You're right to be disappointed. The internet in its current form is a disgusting, manipulative thing, constantly trying to turn you into a professional consumer, spamming you with advertisements and nonsense, luring you into little echo chambers where you can pretend to be part of a community, forcefully rewiring your brain to have a shorter attention span. The internet will steal your attention away from important matters, draw your attention to itself, only to scatter it again. It will damage your ability to focus on anything at all. But now that we know this, we should also know that we don't really fix anything by complaining. It's time to cut our losses, anon. - Steal some self-help books, in epub format, that teach you how to increase focus and willpower. Put them on an e-reader and take it to the library. Bring nothing else. Practice reading long texts, far away from the internet. You need to develop something resembling an attention span so you can study properly. - Steal some programming books from / λ / and genlib while these places still exist. Focus on one language. - Follow programming tutorials on youtube.

>>1281 File sharing is not stealing. "Intellectual property" is an oppressive construct perpetuated by the violence of the State.

I think I should really really lay down all computerstuff. My hands hurt, and I end up doing nothing but logging into irc. Even worse, there's plenty of other stuff that I could be doing, but I am forever trapped in the idea of having a marketable skill. Other ideas have emerged that in principle should question the intention of computerstuff being my intended marketable skill, yet, I am stuck. I keep coming back to it even though I have nothing to do with it, I have zero inspiration whatsoever to do any programming. It's not lack of projects, it's motivation. I also have this online friend and I realize that she is quite... detrimental to my motivation in general. I go and talk to her perhaps so I can apologize myself for not doing any progress. Misery seeks company they say. I need to cut off these things that are holding me back. I already stopped browsing 4soykaf, but these are harder. The thing is, I need to unwind in some form, especially when I feel I don't have the energy to do anything productive, which happens periodically. I need someone to talk to, etc. I also need something to keep me entertained and feel like I am learning something, else I will keep looking back at computerstuff. I have no idea what to do, and I wouldn't even ask people here for advice because I'll get the same old generic advice they give to everybody. But yeah, the main thing now is that I have to give up these two things that are keeping me in a rut.

>>1233 Will someone please acknowledge my existence? You don't even have to read or respond to my previous post.

>>1233 >>1288 Anon, like You can be damn sure at least 10 people've read your post, "we" do know you exist. But, to put it bluntly, no one(so far) had anything to say about it. also i think this thread shouldnt be focusing on hugbox, just venting out and commenting. Das just my opinion tho. But anyways, i know you do exist and i did read about your situation.

>>1288 Hey. >>1233 I'm sorry your friend disappeared. I've been dealing with major depressive disorder for the past... 11 years or so, now. I haven't seen a therapist or been on medication for about 9 years. Just thank whatever you believe in that you're on the path to getting better. Even if it's hard to sum up the will power sometimes to make those small changes you just have to think of the end result, I guess. I can't help you and I'm sorry for that, but hey. Now you're being acknowledged and you're not completely alone.

I'll be pretty brief lainons This is the second college I'm attending​, first one was a sort of a hell (local public colleges are a hole of emptiness and failure), got to move to another place, enrolled in a private college and it felt fine, at the beginning I'm in systems engineering, I really love this career, but calculus and physics keeps stressing me (I was good at math and else in school) Beyond that, masturbation is now a daily activity, I can't avoid masturbating like 2 or 3 times a day, everyday I feel like I'm dying by inside, I do whatever I can't, but it feels like I'm doing nothing Thanks for hearing me

yay~~ a formal break up after about half a month of silence between us. We had completly different goals(sex for him, "love" for me) and it was long-distance and lasted about a year and we never meet properly, because neither of us had a place for it. It was pretty fun, but i feel like this will be one of the last relationships i'll get to(out of my own will), cause this thing is exhausting emotionally as fuarrrk, granted we werent particulary healthy pair, but whatever. Science is more fun~~

For anyone struggling with anxiety issues: https://youtu.be/W9AHCymAbyg

>>1303 I feel it hard. She eas really the only girl ive ever liked or gone after myself. Then just silence, and im pretty sure itl be the last relationship I have unless someone likes me enough and grows on me. However even though I was messed up over it for awhile im pretty happy now, and am looking forward to doing things I like and not just being depressed and love obsessed.

It's my birthday and my friends are basically hanging out without me

>>1311 I spent my last birthday in school, where no one knew it was my birthday. My mother made a nice dinner to celebrate for me and my brother. I understand that it can be hard to spend a special day mostly alone. But if at least someone remembered, learn to appreciate it.

This came out a lot longer than expected. I finished Secondary school a few weeks ago and I gained phone numbers from some "friends" (people I talk to at lunch). In general I have never really had any solid friends so every year or two I drift between groups- also I have very little experience socialising with girls. In /r9k/ terms, I’m a cyborg, I suppose. In the UK, whenever school ends everyone goes out to drink in a club to celebrate. This was my first time ever socialising properly outside of school, including drinking with other people. It went ok besides me making a fool of myself by drunkenly proposing to random girls but overall it was good. During exam week one friend ("John") invited me to a get together for his birthday in which we would go to a club after. I agreed and met some familiar faces and new ones including girls (all friends of John). One of the girls is quite attractive and ginger which is a huge turn on for me. In the club, I ask John’s GF what her name is and she says it’s “Mary” and asks if I would like for her to pair me up with her. I dance with “Mary” on the dancefloor but she is quite shy. I also get the impression that she is a social “outsider” so to speak as John’s GF says that she has only made a normal personbook account in the past few months and she is very introverted. The night ends very well and two weeks later we celebrate exams ending be essentially repeating what we did on John’s birthday (Meet at John’s House --> Go to club). One thing is different this time though, I have to full intention to get very drunk as the stress of exams was paramount and I've never been fully drunk before. I drink a lot at John's house and am already quite drunk at this point... we get into the club. In the club we see a lot of people in our year at school and when I see an old "friend" I jump into his arms (note: that we are both quite drunk) and we both fall over. A bouncer comes over and tells us to leave (he may have presumed we were fighting) so we immediately got up and sat down and pretended like nothing happened. The night goes on and I get progressively drunk with all the drunken symptoms – spilling drink everywhere etc. Also during the night I am talking to Mary and John’s GF about Mary and I begin to really like her. Anyway, I and John are up on the dancefloor dancing and then a very attractive (8-9/10) ginger girl starts to dance with me and then we immediately start kissing. This is the second ever girl I have kissed and the first time I have kissed in 4-5 years. I see John give a humorous look at me and walks away – then the passion between me and the ginger girl increases with me literally holding her my her thighs in the air, kissing and fingering her through her shorts (this was very discrete and I don’t believe anyone saw the fingering) – this is the first time I have ever felt a girl like that. Then John’s GF comes up to me and says “You’re fuarrrked.” I didn’t know how to interpret this, so I said “Why?” Then she said, “You’re drunk as fuarrrk” and left. I carry on dancing in panic, regret and confusion. I’m still not sure if she meant ‘You’re fuarrrked’ as in “Your wasted and making a dick out of yourself” or “You’re fuarrrked for kissing her and saying you like Mary”. Anyway I walk off the dancefloor and find everyone sitting down and join them. I plan to exaggerate my drunkenness (to use as a defence later if questioned about kissing a randomer) by holding my head in my hand and rocking back and forth. We all get up and sit on the sofa with John and Mary sleeping and the rest of us all drunk as fuarrrk. At this point Brandon and Mary wake up and some of us go back and forth to the bathroom and the outside area for varying amounts of time. We all decide that we should all head out to McDonald’s and get picked up. As we are all walking out of the club John and his GF tell us to walk on while they talk in private. At the time we all presumed this was so that they could kiss alone or something. We walk on for a bit and I bond with Mary and the others but after a while I and a friend walk back up to see if John and his GF are okay. We see them sitting cross-legged on the pavement talking and they see us and tell us to go away. Upon reflection it may be possible that John’s GF was discussing what had happened with me at the club, although this I am not sure of. Later, John and his GF join us again in the group and as we begin to walk to McDonald’s again they walk far ahead in front of us. Eventually I get picked up by a relative mid-journey and quickly say good-bye to who I was walking with. Once I wake up the next morning, I am soykafting myself thinking that I have fuarrrked my chances in pulling Mary. I txt John and I talk to him about “maybe kissing some randomer yesterday”. He jokes about it and I express my regret about doing it because I like Mary and he is really cool about it saying that it was just in the heat of the moment. I txt for a bit more then he said he’ll txt me again if there are plans to go out again which he said would probably be soon since it is summer and there is no school. Throughout the week I briefly txt John and Mary about random funny stuff but the weekend passes and I got no word from John about going out. Essentially I am worried that I made too much of a dick of myself that the only social group that I have made outside of school want nothing to do with me anymore. Only paranoia and worrying is left until the next weekend in which I will probably txt John to see what’s up.

>>1312 I usually spend it alone or with just my family, but my friends are hanging out at my apartments pool and I tried to ask if I should join them (They were there hours before me) and kinda got ignored. Hurt more than it usually would I guess. I feel like the rest of the night is gonna be just as bad. Hoping it goes okay

>>1309 I cant be objective right now cause i am right after break up, but i feel like he'll be my last, cause i propably wont actively look for anyone and users dont exactly meet by accident

>>1281 Thanks for giving your feedback. I used to read a lot of books from around 2013 to about a few months ago; I eventually burned out from them. I read roughly 250 books during that period, mostly about philosophy, spirituality, and psychology. I don't regret it but I feel like I've hit a ceiling due to it. As for programming, I feel as if I should do that. I do like the concept of programming a lot, but as a schizoaffective I don't really have the systematic type of brain to seriously deal with the logical structure of most programs and languages; I'm always thinking in terms of parallel tangents. My primary interests are text analysis, picture analysis, artificial intelligence, game design and virtual world design, and I just don't know where to start.

>>1139 I hate to bump to get more attention for my post, but does anyone have any experience or advice with this? I'm back to cigarettes and hate myself.

>>1313 You're just over thinking it, you're fine. You just got drunk and acted accordingly, nothing to stress over, you'll probably hang with your friends again. If you like that girl try and see if she wants to Grab some coffee or tea since that's what you Brits drink and get to know her. Don't bring up kissing the other girl unless she does first.

>>1139 >>1320 What else do you do in your spare time? I can't really speak for the drugs/alcohol but a few weeks ago I would spend entire days doing nothing but internet browsing/whacking it, soykaf felt awful. I decided to get back to an old hobby I had forgotten about and now I don't spend nearly as much time internet browsing/whacking it. That's not to say that I no longer do those things at all, generally people need to indulge in some sort of mindless relaxation, whether that's TV, internet, or the occasional drug. The important part is balancing it.

Im currently 18, got diagnosed with aspergers early, and really don't know where I am heading. I don't want to go to university yet because I don't feel like it yet and have no idea what I want to do anyway. My parents are asking me about it all the fuarrrking time and I usually bullsoykaf by talking about CS, EE or any other technology-related course. My issue isn't that I take longer to go about this than people do on average, but that I really don't know if I will ever find something that interests me enough. Additionally, I've always had problems talking with girls. Until recently this fact has only annoyed me on several shorter occasions, but I'm starting to think more and more about it. Im anti-social and there aren't a lot of girls I share genuine technology-related hobbies/interests. There's nothing I feel I could potentially do to change my situation other than building a completely superficial social facade of a more "dateable" me, but that's simply to exhausting. It's degrading, but I'm starting to slip into the /r9k/ stereotype more than anything.

>>1351 That's the thing with being 18, society expects you to know what you want to spend the rest of your life doing for a living. I wanted to be a pharmacist (for the money) at that age and now I am in my late twenties and I work at a school. While everyone espouses one should find work in something they enjoy, I once had a professor who said that work is work for a reason. It isn't meant to be fun, it's meant to earn you a living. You can have all the fun you please on your days off or time out of work. As for the girl thing, all I can say is give it time. Oh and most girls don't give a crap about technology related anything unless it's the newest photo filter for snapchat.

>>1289 >also i think this thread shouldnt be focusing on hugbox, just venting out and commenting. Das just my opinion tho. I didn't want a hugbox. I just wanted to be acknowledged because I spend so much time floating. To me the difference is quite large.

I have a big crush on this super-cute, super-passable SE Asian transgirl. By super passable, I mean I didn't even realize she was trans until I read her bio. From pics alone, her soft smiling face with dimples, delicate, petite, feminine body structure and outfits (skirts, blouses) and long, silky, straight black hair with side bangs gave me no reason to think that she was trans. Not that I care regardless, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post. I'm a cis hetero guy btw I haven't actually talked to her or met her irl but we are both in one small political normal personbook group and we have similar political ideology, similar in age (early to mid 20's) and some shared interests (music, art, books, tasty cooking, wine etc). Problems: > She has a (cis) gf > She lives in SE Asia > I live in Burgerland > I have to cross the entire Pacific to meet her IRL Her gf is LDR (different country), so they don't live together or physically meet up often at all (only a couple times per year at most). I have no intention of being a home-wrecker though. I respect their relationship and do not intend to try to convince my crush to cheat behind her gf's back. Maybe I can ask her out and see if she's ok with it and if her gf's ok with it? I've read some sources which suggest that a significant number of long distance relationships allow some open-ness to the relationship bc of the rarity and lack of physical intimacy otherwise. For example: casual dating, short-term flings/sex with other people is ok as long as the other partner is informed and approves and as long as it doesn't become serious or subvert the primary long distance relationship and as long as all of that stops completely once the people in the LDR are both able to live together in the same place. I want to visit her and ask her out to dance or to a carnival and a nice dinner by the beach and the moonlight. And talk about life, about our current career paths and aspirations, about our political work/organizing commitments, about philosophy, about what keeps us going, what gives meaning to our lives etc. I want to sleep with her, be the big spoon, hold her tight, feel her body warmth, whisper sweet nothings into her ear... I don't know what to do or how to go about this. I've never had a gf. I'm a virgin. Would it possibly work if I just sent her a direct message on normal personbook saying " Hey Anon-chan, you're cute. We're both in [X political normal personbook group]. I'm going to visit [your country] soon (within the next few months to a year as soon as I save up bux for a ticket). May I take you out to dinner when I visit? You probably know the best local spots, right? ". Or is that too direct? Not socially acceptable? I'm an introvert who almost never talks to anybody or goes out with friends so tbh I don't have a solid grasp of social nuance and how "normal people" seem to navigate the social/relationship world so easily and fluidly. Related and more general question: Are transgirls easier to court/woo? Bc I've been rejected by every single cis girl I've ever asked out to a date or second or third date in my entire life. Never met/talked to a transgirl irl btw, they're so rare.

>>1370 I really hope you aren't serious.

>>1371 I am. Why? Am I doing something wrong? I don't see the problem? Enlighten me?

>>1372 You're extremely delusional, seek some help.

>>1373 strong t i t t y boat u srs? negged

>>1370 >cis hetero guy in love with a trans girl who has a cis girlfriend I will not even attempt to get into that, and I will not translate it into humanspeak because it would probably be uncomfy and smh. I don't mean to rail on your feels there, but it makes me angry when people say that they have strong feelings about someone because they look nice/like to consume same nice media/food/clothes. It's so 21st century. Also, I think you are overthinking it for someone who hasn't even meet the other person. Gosh you're autsy. Don't say "take you out for a dinner" when you know the person is involved. It strongly implies romantic intentions, and if the person is in a monogamous relationship, it would probably be a false step for them to even accept such an offer. Make it casual. Don't make your motives oblivious. I know, it might seem like a not a nice thing to do, but it's the effective thing to do. However, the other person being "trans" and stuff, there is a high likelihood that the relationship the person is in is some sort of "open" thing. Judging by you being a self-proclaimed socially awkward person and the other person being problematic, the situation will most likely end up really awkward. Find yourself a regular asian girl where you live, heard they are easy to woo anyway. Also, I have news for you buddy >hetero no you're not

>>1375 >oblivious I think I've meant obvious

>>1375 >I don't mean to rail on your feels there, but it makes me angry when people say that they have strong feelings about someone because they look nice/like to consume same nice media/food/clothes. It's so 21st century. I don't mean to insult you, but it makes me angry when people with a lack of reading comprehension try to invalidate my feelings by ignoring one of my fundamental premises. Read my post again: we also have the same political i d e o l o g y and work/organize in the context of similar political groups/organizations. Do you know what it means to subscribe to a political ideology? A political ideology is above all a systematic worldview, a dialectic, rational, scientific method of analyzing and addressing and solving problems in the political/economic/social/cultural aspects of human development and human social organization, operating (in my case) through a democratic centralist, disciplined, militant party framework. What are considered to be the primary contradictions of the society's political-economic base and social/cultural superstructure depends on scientific analysis and critical consideration of competing class interests, class antagonisms and class contradictions. Taking all of this soykaf into account, two people who have the same or a highly similar political ideology very often tend to have similar class interests and class loyalties, similar goals for how to improve the efficiency, output and resourcefulness of the political-economic base (agriculture, industry, trade, public infrastructure such as roads, power grids, housing, hospitals, water treatment, waste management, airports, rail lines etc) and the base's relation to scientific-technological advancements in the means of production and tools of labor. They also tend to have similar conceptions of which moral/ethical values are most important to instill and reinforce in human society through the ideological superstructure (education, family, mass media, literature, youth camps, laws and their enforcement, medals and awards such as military/scientific/education/labor awards among other positive incentives etc). So no, my strong feelings for her are not just because she looks beautiful and likes good food and wine or some other purely superficial bullsoykaf (though all of those traits are a plus in my book). My strong feelings are also based on the fact that we both share a similar comprehensive worldview and political goals. We share a similar moral/ethical framework around which we base our goals for organizing human society in order to maximize human economic/scientific/cultural/social potential and minimize exploitation/poverty/anti-people predatory crimes such as murder,rape,prostitution,drug mafias etc/racist-ethnic-religious-sectarian conflict/homophobia/environmental degradation/wars and imperialism and such. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the limited sources I have read on this topic suggest that partners or potential partners with similar political/religious/ideological worldviews tend to get along better and have significantly higher chances of success in a romantic context than is the case when their views are highly dissimilar or even antagonistic to each other. >Also, I think you are overthinking it for someone who hasn't even meet the other person. I probably am tbh. >Gosh you're autsy. Don't say "take you out for a dinner" when you know the person is involved. It strongly implies romantic intentions, and if the person is in a monogamous relationship, it would probably be a false step for them to even accept such an offer. Make it casual. Don't make your motives oblivious. I know, it might seem like a not a nice thing to do, but it's the effective thing to do. Thank you, this is legit, anon. I’ll definitely take this advice into consideration. I definitely want to maximize my chances of success in courting her. >Judging by you being a self-proclaimed socially awkward person and the other person being problematic, the situation will most likely end up really awkward. Why specifically do you think the most likely outcome will be the situation becoming awkward? Can you elaborate on this? Because I’m not sure I follow. >Find yourself a regular asian girl where you live, heard they are easy to woo anyway. Considering a significant proportion of the many girls I’ve tried to woo throughout my life (all with zero success beyond a third date) have been Asian, I highly doubt this statement.

>>1378 Have you ever considered how you would even get along? You seem very delusional and in your head. I would just contact her and see what she says tbh. The more you draw this out the more depressed you'll be if it doesn't work out the way you want it to.

I've been suffering from erectile problems for half a year now. My self-diagnosis that was made with the help of Dr. Google is fuarrrking Hard Flaccid that no one knows how to cure, Doctors don't acknowledge its existence and it has one thousand and one causes from what I've read. I could go to an urologist, but as already mentioned - these fuarrrks don't know soykaf about it, and will probably prescribe me some old man medicine like viagra or something like that, not to mention it were European and American urologists who can't figure it out, what should I expect from my soykafhole's doctors? I'm pretty much desperate at this point. I've always taken my man aptitude as a given, but now - fuarrrk. It's like a part of me is lacking. I no longer have morning woods, almost zero libido, and my already long-going depression has taken a new spin. And I'm pretty sure I'm to blame. The cause is physiological, not psychological, as I liked to twist and stretch my dick during the rare faps I had, and now I must be dealing with its consequences that seem to be irrevertible This post doesn't really suit /hum/, but rather some ED Forum for old men, but I just had to drop it off my chest and let it out, this soykaf's been killing me for 6 months straight damn it.

>>1381 You dont trust doctors to help you but somehow you are more qualified to say what the cause of your problem is? >The cause is physiological, not psychological Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself honestly

Im literally losing my mind, i cant stand being a loner anymore, it gets to me too hard. Recently i met some people who are even cool but now i feel even more depressed and lonely, but worst of all anxious. Oddly enough they are what one might say pretty normal comparatively, but i feel like a rock. Its nice i dont have to put up with being looked down on but i feel so locked in, i cant do anything with them. It doesnt help that i am literally the lowest of the low, i can feel oddly in place there but more like i am some kind of prop, they dont know the real me. I too met some people who seem to genuinely care or did, but i dont see this making any progress either. It feels like a slight addiction, crave not being alone but i dont know who to turn to, i cant handle being alone anymore. This just made me realize how much of a loner i am and how badly i crave to have a social life. I tried being social and outgoing as much as i could, but in review i think the effort was not worth it. I feel addicted people, its hard now to be alone for me. The desire to meet new ones is quite overwhelming for me now, but i have no idea how. I am appreciating the people who try to help and are around but its never enough. I want someone to care for me and whom i can care for, as much as my abilities allow me. Nobody in the right mind would want to be around me, i have nothing to offer and am only a huge parasite, even if i try not to be. I cant find it in myself to do soykaf about anything, my sense of motivation is completely haywire. Most of my time goes out the window on games and daydreaming. It feels like i am sunk in to a pit of black quicksand. All the things i like to to do i cant, everything feels dead and meaningless. My sense of time and space and reason is distorted, reality doesnt feel real at all, i cant tell if im dreaming or not, not to mention about being in control. I am always tired and exhausted, not to mention my my ambitions are slowly drifting down the toilet. I have too many ambitions and the fact that i cant fullfill my own expectations feeds into this vicious cycle of unproductivety, my creativity and intelligence goes down the crapper because i cannot focus on anything. Every day i see my life going on faster and faster with nothing to show for myself. It doesnt help that i cranked up on the alcohol and weed up quite a bit. Some of the weed trips fuarrrked me up in may ways i feel, but also helped me in some, they had a bit of anti depressive function, which in my case is a miracle. Tough some odd ways i have been able to maintain my addictions until now, but soon i will be dry and the real horrors start. I hoped and tried to find something meaningful in this world but i see no hope anymore, its just a dead end either way no matter if live or die. Every once in a while i feel good but it feels so fake, so suspended. I have no energy left to do anything, my only option is to slowly rot away and wait until people forget about me and i can die. Most of the time i feel like crawling into a ball and crying but i cant do it, it feels like i have a rusty wire inside of me, im slowly sufficating over here. It would be selfish of me to commit suicide now, but i feel like it is the only way out now, it seems that the only right thing to do now is to continue as i did and suffer until the end. Ever since i met those people it became so obvious and undeniable to me that i have to do something with my life but the stress from this feeds in itself and i am paralyzed, which results in all these feelings. The overwhelming realization that i am completely unprepared for the real world and know almost little to nothing about it hit me like a train. The fear is recursively feeding into itself, subtle panic accompanies me everywhere i go or do. I hoped i could somehow meet likeminded people so we can lick our wounds, but i guess is stepped into another mine in life. That was the one thing i hoped would happen in life to me for once and it turned out to be a dud, i dont know what to think anymore. It is and was insane from the start hoping someone would find and save me, yet i still hold this vague hope that my friend will, though i know it rationally its absurd. Finally i realized that there is no place for me in this world and that i was not meant to exist in the firstplace. I got trapped in a phantasy world of delusions, either trough my own fault or that trough others. One day perhaps i can find a way out, it is a faint and childish hope, if not then what difference does it make anyhow. The real world doesnt feel real anymore, i think its what i wanted all along, but i did not get what i expected. I just want to crawl under a rock and die, but i realize that shutting myself of does not help, but on the other hand all i see on the outside is a black void of evil that will devour me. I cant feel happy anymore, i dont think i want to live anymore, i just cant see a way out. I thought of going to a shrink and/or looking for work but i cant get myself to do it no matter how hard i try to motivate myself. There isnt much anyone can do about this but i feel like i need someone to know. I vented god know how many times and too how many people and they told me to hand in there but it just cannot get rid of that need to constantly seek sympathy in hope of some miracle to turn me into a normal person. This is probably a long read and i appreciate if anyone does read it, it took me quite a while to write. This place means a lot to me even if i neglected it sometimes, atleast here i can feel as if i fit in somewhat. I will just keep living on and see where things take me, im not alone so lets all hang in there.

>>1380 >Have you ever considered how you would even get along? I have, but I am never able to get an exact clear picture of how we would get along simply because I haven't actually met her irl. >You seem very delusional and in your head. I mean, yeah probably. Isn't everybody delusional to an certain extent though? >I would just contact her and see what she says tbh. The more you draw this out the more depressed you'll be if it doesn't work out the way you want it to. I just got an idea. I quietly save up the money I need the next few months to buy a plane ticket to her country and spending money for food/hostels/souvenirs etc. Meanwhile, work out a lot more than I usually do so that I'm big and /fit/ as I can possibly be when I visit. Then, I message her but only once I'm already in her country. Maybe something like: " Hey Anon-chan, I'm visiting your country right now and realized that I don't know anybody here. But I recalled you posting in our normanbook group and remembered that you actually live here. So, I was wondering if you'd be down to help show me around your province or local area this upcoming weekend or whenever your schedule is free/open? I want to see as many of the sights and cultural areas of this beautiful country as I can before I head back to Burgerland." My reasoning is: 1) It's just a friendly invitation, so hopefully she doesn't think it's weird. 2) Should she be accept, driving plus walking around and sight seeing plus eating street food gives me plenty of time to talk to her and get to know her and test the waters by flirting. 3) Worst case scenario: She rejects my romantic advances but at the end of the day at least I got a comfy tour around her province, pictures, souvenirs, memories and I can wash away the sadness by getting plastered at the local nightclubs.

Had a dream last night where I was able to see my crush and talk to her, killing off the last bit of regret I thought I had, and then I woke up. Felt like utter trash for still not being able to move on, it's going to be a year since I started crushing on her soon. At least I feel like I'm a bit closer to accepting it'll never ever happen and move on.

>>1381 usually these problems ARE psychological, and anyway dr. google is not the right answer. Try going to the doctor, if he says that it is a physiological problem he doesn't know and gives you viagra you are free to despair and think you're right. If he says that it's a psychological problem (more probably) go to the fuarrrking psychologist.

>>1384 Hey lainon, I hope things get better for you, I used to feel like you some years ago and, unfortunately, the thing that worked for me is what everybody tells you: hold tight and wait, it gets better. Mind you that I'm still lonely, broke, old, ugly, haven't figured out anything yet, living with my mother and sometimes kinda depressed, but I didn't kill myself back then and I'm happy I didn't do it, as the years went by I got used to the way I am and kinda accepted myself, I'm finally at peace. That said everybody is different, maybe you need medication to get better, though I know isn't easy maybe you should try to find medical advice somehow. I know this is kinda cheesy and maybe It won't help, I'm not very used (and don't really like) to give advices but the way you feel made remind me of myself so much. PS: after working on several soykafty jobs I'm now studying CS on a public university at the old age of 30 and my mother is kinda proud of me. Not bad huh?

>>1385 But is IS weird. The fact that you're going to extreme lengths for someone you don't even know. Wasting time and money on a suspicious trial that might fall apart. Actually, if you're going to the country for personal reasons then that's okay. But don't base it off on one person.

>>1390 Her country is beautiful and has lots of sights to see so I would probably want to visit regardless. >Wasting time and money on a suspicious trial that might fall apart. How could time and money spent traveling to another country I've never been to before and trying to talk to a girl from there who I have a big crush on be considered a waste? Isn't the point of time and money to spend it doing things that help you experience the world and grow as a person? >Actually, if you're going to the country for personal reasons then that's okay. But don't base it off on one person. I mean, potentially meeting up with her is a strongly compelling personal reason to me. If her country also happens to be a great tourist comfy spot then that's just a plus.

>>1392 I have some things to say about your situation: First: Do whatever the fuarrrk you want, make mistakes, regret them later, deal with the consequences, learn from them. Second: What you're planning to do is, for several reasons, highly improbable of ending well. It seems your lack of experience on real relationships leads you to idealize them, you're essentially creating a perfect person for you in your head, projecting her on that girl you like and creating a fantasy relationship impossible to achieve. Human interaction are never the ideal we wanted them to be, they are a mix of bad and good things: hurting each other feelings (sometimes aware sometimes don't), misinterpretation of communication, lack of empathy, jealousy, but also emotional support, physical intimacy, shared experiences and memories... You need to think not only how it's going to be perfect, and awesome, and how cute the other person is, and how perfect you are for each other but how she may not like the things you're passionate about or how you hate the noise she makes when eating, or your sarcastic comments about her appearance, her tendency to smile and stare other men, the dumb face you make during sex, how she doesn't seem to acknowledge the awesome person you are, this and much more stuff ad infinitum. Third: She may be happy already, or she's an awful person, or you aren't the kind of person she's into, maybe despite what you have in common you have some crucial divergent viewpoints, what if you find out you don't really like transgender girls that much (maybe even sexually)?, or when you discover all the emotional package that may come with her due to her uncommon gender, will you still accept her when you see her without make up and notice glances of a man? will this be true in the future as the years pass by? What I'm trying to say is: you need to fuarrrking know her! speak to her! how can you possibly travel to another country to ask a stranger out if you haven't even talked online??? thats absurd! And know yourself better! you say you're hetero but you're also attracted to her so there's something weird going on, are you sure you aren't saying you like tg girls because your frustrated with regular girls? cause that's a real soykafty thing to do. TLDR: Do whatever you want to do, but may you should consider to stop idealizing relationships they are messy but sometimes worth it, know the person you like a little better and try to learn more about yourself.

>>1378 >listing every word that is even remotely related to politics >blah blah blah >correct me if I'm wrong You're wrong. You're assuming that both of you are in this particular branch of politics solely due to intellectual reasons, moral values, etc. In reality, people are likely to subscribe to political worldviews because of environmental influences, sense of community with other people that lead them to these groups, being impressed by someone with such views, finding it for whatever reason cool, etc. Also, politics is not values, politics is the practical execution. Some political views are even entirely valueless. Sure, some politics are tied with fairly specific and total constraints and values. But I've correctly presumed that I would not classify your politics as the kind that pushes a specific order, morals, and internal restrictions and repressions on its' adherents; quite the contrary. So yeah, it does not follow from "same politics" that two people would be compatible romantically. Maybe there is a greater or smaller correlation, I have not noticed it with me or other people; women on all sides of the political spectrum turned out to be "my type", or I turned out to be their type, or both at the same time; same goes for people around me. I'm just as likely to find women on my side of political spectrum as uninteresting as women from other sides. That's all anecdotal. I presume that some large group data might be more objective. And no, I don't think that the fact that dating sites' algorythms find it relevant, is relevant - it might be negative affinity only, which definitely does occur, not positive affinity (also, these algorythms are not tuned towards the complete success, merely initial interest). And the opposite might work as well - some sort of animosity and conflict might even be stimulating. Being passionate and flabbergasted about something political might be helpful at first, but I do not think it is a sign of affinity of characters. Politics can have very shallow motivations. >Why specifically do you think the most likely outcome will be the situation becoming awkward? Can you elaborate on this? Because I’m not sure I follow. Because, according to your own self-relating statements, you don't seem like a self-confident enough person to be able to carry out a wooing, especially aimed at someone with so much social distance, successfully. Even more so, due to the fact that you're so emotionally invested, you are highly likely to screw it up. Sure, the person is of the inclination which strongly decreases their "sexual market value", however, there is a strong correlation between emotional instability and this inclination, so even initial success will likely result in problems. >Considering a significant proportion of the many girls I’ve tried to woo throughout my life (all with zero success beyond a third date) have been Asian, I highly doubt this statement It doesn't invalidate my claim, they might have been easier than the average gal, but you could have been even more awkward than they were easier. >I just got an idea. I quietly save up the money... (and so on and so on) Idealizing romantically some far-away person and wishing that meeting them would magically turn your life around is purely escapist. Pardon me being condescending. I do, however, get a really intense feeling of the whole shtick being the big thing that you obsess about as a thing that would make you happy. It strongly seems like a manifestation of typical Kierkegaard-ish despair at not accepting who you are and where you are in life. Saying that the reason why you don't accept it is because it lacks some, often unattainable, element. "If only I could get with this person, I would be happy". I would second >>1393, except for the "do whatever you want to do, make mistakes" attitude. Don't make mistakes, anticipate things and plan them out so you make as little mistakes as possible. Life is too short for mistakes. Just a handful mistakes might result in the other half of your life being lonely, sad and childless decades of slowly fading away and losing your abilities for nothing. I would not wish that unto you, or anyone, for that matter. Thus, I would encourage people to be afraid of how things might end up, of opportunity cost, of time ticking, of making mistakes. Your "maybe something like" example has a strong aura of faking non-interest. Especially the "I've just recalled that you live here" part. If you were to actually go down (more like, west) there, I would advise omitting the part of you reminding and just say that you're there for some whatever reasons and ask them to meet up and show them around. The thing with reaching out to random people is that it has a high likelihood of failure, and a fixated person would want to minimize it to zero, which makes them seem invested and desperate and further increases the chances of failure. If you really have to go to SE Asia and hit on an unknown such person, find more of them, if you get, like, 5-10 on your radar, then most likely one of those will end up successful, and you won't waste the money for the trip. But I would not advise going there and fixating on unknown to you asian people as romantic interests. You are misdirecting. Lack of romantic relations with asian people is not your major problem. I don't know what your major problem is, but I'm sure it's not lack of asian people in your romantic life. People are more complicated than that for their emotional problems to be caused by lack of physical contact with people with certain facial characteristics or whatever. No offence, but once again, I find your affection inherently shallow. Think of it. You really think it's a good idea to spend a few months of your life and some thousands dollars, whatever the cost of such a trip in your currency there is, because you like someone's photos on the internet?

>>1385 I'm going to play devils advocate in this thread and tell you that you have a chance. > I just got an idea. I quietly save up the money I need the next few months to buy a plane ticket to her country and spending money for food/hostels/souvenirs etc. Meanwhile, work out a lot more than I usually do so that I'm big and /fit/ as I can possibly be when I visit. This isn't a terrible idea tbh if you can use some random Internet harlot as an excuse to get fit, more power to you, one of my main motivators to get fit is something along those lines, you'll notice when you put on some more muscle you'll start to enjoy more attention from other females as well, so yes this is a good thing. That being said it is important not to fixate, if you eventually get to smash her, count that as a bonus, not your objective. Your objective should be to go to thailand and have a great time as a /fit/ alpha male. On a deeper level your objective should just be to get /fit/ but I digress. About the anons in this thread who are telling you that you don't have the confidence or the social skills to woo this tranny, they may also be correct, for now. As you pack on some muscle or lose some weight your confidence will probably develop, and beautiful people are less likely to be perceived as awkward anyways. Like the other anons have said, be sure to engage with her before you get there though. Otherwise, good luck! go for it man!

Someone I knew died yesterday. I didn't even know him that well but his absence was noticeable. The other people around me were far closer to him than I was, on account of knowing him for at least a few years, and I only three weeks. To my knowledge, he died suddenly and without warning. I saw him perhaps three or four days ago, and then yesterday he died of a brain hemorrhage. I was looking forward to getting to know him even if I didn't immediately appreciate who everyone said he was. They all looked up to him, and he was nothing but respectful to me even though mostly I didn't have the strength of personality to be more than just a distant acquaintance. The handful of people who knew him best took a while to console this morning before they could put on brave faces for the day, and most everyone else put effort into avoiding pity. Meanwhile I just continued to bury myself in the work I had to do, telling myself I shouldn't feel even the tiniest bit of grief or melancholy that has been trying to creep in since I received news of his death since it would only devalue that of others. I don't have the right to intrude, I don't have the standing to comfort, and I don't have the connection to mourn - only the foundations of one. It's my own fault for being an outsider and not taking more initiative, but I can't do anything about it now when those who aren't grieving are already struggling to help those who are. I'm stuck feeling the possibility of a friendship I could have had, but never will. It seems wrong to forget I ever tried, because that's the only memory I have of him and I don't want to dishonor that. But I'm filled with regret at that memory, with no way to erase it. Time heals all wounds I suppose, but it can't put back what was never there.

>>1393 >speak to her I'd love to do that, but idk how to do so without making it immediately obvious that I'm trying to get to "know" her in the romantic sense. Maybe I can ask her about how our common political project/ideology is doing in her country? Like, has it been making gains on the ground lately? How is the movement dealing with recent crackdowns, repressions and negotiations/ceasefires? Etc? >you say you're hetero but you're also attracted to her... I am hetero. I say that with complete clarity of purpose and mind. If I was homo, I wouldn't be attracted to her since she's so beautifully and delicately feminine. And I sure as fuarrrk would not bother even considering to go through all this time, effort, money and travel. If I were homo it would be much simpler for me to just hang around my city and get plastered at the local gay bar. But I don't do that nor does that appeal to me. Because I'm simply not attracted to men or masculinity or benis. I'm attracted to women (cis and trans). Trans women are women. >you like tg girls because you're frustrated with regular girls? I don't fetishize trans girls. Fetishism is gross and predatory, particular with how it plays into the capitalist-imperialist dynamics of rich white Western men and their comprador local SE Asian oligarch collaborators who profit off and take sleazy advantage of global sex trafficking networks to enslave SE Asian women (both cis and trans, often children). I'm attracted to her as an individual woman (who happens to be trans), because from her pictures and videos and blog posts I have come to adore who she is (or at least, the limited online info I have available about who she is as a person sans actually meeting her irl) and she legitimately makes me smile and gives me butterflies in the chest.

>>1397 Thank you for the realistic/cautious optimist advice anon! Appreciate it. >be sure to engage with her before you get there though How should I go about this? I've heard of the whole "slide into her DM's" meme but I don't know how much of that is based in reality and how much is just a very well-known, heavily soykafposted meme. Also >tranny That's a crude, retrograde, derogatory term (roughly equivalent to calling a gay/lesbian person "user" or Black people "Negroe or n**ger"). Please don't call her that, thx. >>1395 You bring up a lot of points. So it's hard to know where to start my response. All I have to say for now is, thanks for the constructive criticism. I'm definitely keeping it in mind and will try to get back to you once I fully gather and systematically organize what I have to say to all the points that you bring up. That might take some time though. But that's fine. It's good to think things through, as you said, no?

Everything feels monotonous when you have tasked yourself with something. Doing things that I have started by my accord feels like a hassle. I am learning Russian, and reading philosophy in my preparation for something political philosophy, but all the time I get the feeling I am wasting valuable time which I could use to continue reading. Entire hours I spend browsing chans, which have become unbearable, but I continue doing so out of tradition. It is simply disturbing how fast time goes by when you feel it is limited, and I am self-compelled to do this as it is one of the few things which give meaning to my life. This gets worse everyday. I rarely go to class anymore with the constant protests, and I frankly do not want to go somewhere to learn to wage slave in a job that will be further unbearable since I really don't like my career. I wish I could study philosophy at an university, but I am halfway through my career and I am divided on whether to abandon this or not. The only university in my state where this is taught is in a constant state of strike, and is very badly maintained. My only choice seems to be to study in another country, in a city where I plan to move in the following years after I graduate. I am terrified of a monotonous job sucking my life out of my body. Now, I could then study philosophy in an academic form, but with what money? Further, will I enjoy it. Truly the only constant in my desires is the eternal becoming, never fixed for too long on something. But I hope that this is different, because it has serious implications for me in ways not immediately tangible, the primary being political. On something more intimate, I am not enjoying much anymore since I can't play on this PC and have to obligate myself to do what I am tasked. It would be slightly more bearable if I could have a relationship with someone, but in my 19 years I have an array of unresolved problems which lend themselves to make social life with the other sex difficult. Shyness, more or less, because this can not be reduced to such a word. Taking hints, saying things at the right time, bodily communication, all becomes hard. This is something I am exploring in my psychoanalysis, but which is far from resolved. I am not good looking, which worsens this. Thus love and sex are alien to me, things I can only wish for, especially the first. I so much wish for bodily contact, affection, and all the idealizations coming from depictions of it. I have next to no sex drive (though it might manifest in my dreams) and don't enjoy porn too much , just love. The last person I was madly delighted with seemed to react in a evading manner to my presence after I confessed my feelings towards her, in a way putting the last nail in the coffin. It was unusual of me to be so obsessed with someone, and looking back I find it ridiculous of me to be so much concerned with her when the relation would have been unstable. At least I can thank her for not shattering my ego completely. To end this, the world seems to be always getting bleaker, which is why I've had to take my politics seriously and educate myself as a communist. This is probably one of the things that directly prevent myself from just committing suicide. Even if sometimes the urge is terrifying in strength, I can manage not to fall too deep in the abyss. Thanks for reading.

>write out long post >think it sounds stupid, petty, and pretentious >delete it and write this instead

>>1410 I wonder how many beautiful poems, how many longing letters, how much art, how much wonder, the world has lost because of self-destructive embarrassment.

Il always do exactly whats right for me at the right time and what is needed not more not less and I have faith in myself. And thats very sad because sometimes what I think I want isnt actually what I need.

>>1411 but maybe the same embarassment saved us from tons of soykaf

>>1410 >go through same process >write nearly exact same post >delete it because i am too afraid of sounding dumb or self-pitying

>>1410 >>1416 >>1414 You are pseudo anonymous users on an imageboards. What's the worst that would happen? Get called ridiculous? Please. I myself know I can write in a manner seemingly ridiculous to some but that doesn't detain me from writing ugly and beautiful things. Just post whatever goes through your mind. Do not be afraid to write and say your ideas, that is for the fool.

>>1414 Some say that you should always throw soykaf at the wall cause something will stick to it. Also soykaf which didnt stick will be forgotten rather quickly, so act of throwing is always a good thing

So in my uni class last week, we got to talking about the subject of the interwebs. Then the following happened. >be me (usually super shy) >sitting in class >learningisfun.jpeg >"class what are some positives and negatives of the internet" >major focus is on free speech and trolling >nowsmychance.jpeg >I try to inform the class on censorship and corporate interests and how we live in a real cyberpunk world >when I mention the deep web and freedom of information and no censorship people start to take note >continue talking about how programs like tor and vpn's can be used to get some privacy on the internet >"the dark web is bad, that's where pedos and drug stuff are" they say >older classmate chimes in >turns out hes a 3 letter agency (or i think) >says he investigates cybercrimes especially by people using TOR regularly >says he has put people behind bars for drugs and other crimes >he knows my name and other stuff I've never committed a crime (not even injecting a marijuanas), but I also don't seem like a very techie person IRL. Does that make me suspicious? am i gonna get followed by a 3 letter now? should I just quit school and become a neet? I already am afraid around most people, I don't know if I can handle being followed IRL

I feel like I've distanced myself too far from my friends and I don't share any interests with them anymore. I just want to find a group of people that enjoy learning about stuff specifically about computers. I'm sick of going to a school where no one wants to be there and I just spend the day floating through my classes waiting for it to be over just so I can get a small break until the next day inevitably comes. Life feels like it's repeating because I don't feel like I have anyone to share it with. I don't have anyone who could understand my achievements and I feel like I've drifted from my family because all my other siblings have soykaf that my parents focus on and I'm the youngest. I just wish I had someone I could be authentic with. I sick and tired of wearing faces day after day.

>>1425 This second half of this post seems to strongly suggest paranoia. I recommend you seek a psychoanalyst and if possible explain your situation, even if your post may be to some extent be true. As far as I can be of using in telling this, calm yourself and as possible avoid worrying too much, numbing thoughts if possible. Stay safe anon, and if it gets worse it's probably better to take a break, for a while at least.

>>1425 he probably just didnt like you saying tor is completely innocuous. because he is right, you dont know how many college students sell drugs using deep web. or maybe you do but you probably should have maybe mentioned while people do use it to commit crimes thats not its intended purpose.

>>1426 I experience this right now.

I feel really out of place when around my friend. He's a really popular guy, always around lots of girls, has a lot of money and a nice car, et cetera. The other day we were having a discussion that included me and some of his acquaintances of his that I don't know too well. The topic was sex and dating in general and it went something like this-- >"what do you most want to do with a girl?" >"dude, I'd love to have anal all day long with my girl since she never lets me." >"Same her but with BJs." >"what about you lainon?" A lot of stupid stuff went through my head then. I imagined things like cuddling in a comfy bed in a comfy cabin during the dead of winter or having her wear my coat and it looking too big on her. I said something like >"I don't really think about that kind of stuff much." >"yeah, I bet."

>>1432 That used to happen to me all the time, they were not acquaintances, but coworkers. I just brushed it off by saying I had a lot of other stuff on my mind and its been a while since I have even thought about it. They laughed and said "haha lainon we need to get you LAAAIIID." >>1426 all of you anonymous people are more family and friends than people I know IRL. I would like to form more relationships and talk to people that I have things in common with, but it requires money and time. I am saving up to buy someplace to live so I don't become a mortgage slave for the rest of my life, and I like my hobbies more than meeting other people who are mostly drug addicted white trash or sports loving chads and stacies

>>1434 Lainon, you just need to get LAINED

>>1418 You know I cant count the number of times someones posted an image and I looked it up or reverse searched it and found something pretty cool that interested me. This is one of those times, I had heard his name before but never really was too into philosophy. I really like stoicism mostly because (imo) unlike a lot of philosophy its a life philosophy thats very practical and often when I read something about it I always found the advice was very true and something I too had noticed. I had no idea this real human bean influenced it, but it makes perfect sense. Yeah just thought this time I would give a thanks because people post images to share and probably don't realize because no one ever makes a point except ironically to say they really, really enjoyed that picture.

I'm terrified by living. I have no hope for this world, and all I want to do is escape. I'm not suicidal, but thinking about how life is going to be ~5-20 years from now sends me into panic attacks. I haven't felt safe in months. It was especially horrifying when NK got the nukes. I was living in near constant fear for a good two weeks, and while I've (mostly) gotten over that fear, the anxiety of nuclear death hasn't gone yet-- and when it does, it just shifts to another global catastrophe: climate change, economic crash, etc. I really want to move out of cities and get away from modern culture, they're alienate the fuarrrk out of me.

>>1443 my goal is to get as close to the cities as possible so when the bombs drop I'll be instantly incinerated, but i feel you lainon

I wish i could tell my friend that I'm suicidal, but it's too risky to think he could freak out and tell my family or something. It's so sad that I can't talk about it and will have to die even more lonely due to our society's perceptions of suicide

>>1447 There's an anonymous national suicide hotline you can call for almost any country. Don't give up, Lainon!

>>1449 I hope you're trying to be funny. The point of the post is that everyone reacts without thinking, just like that; especially in that contrived, cliché way

>>1255 You remind me a lot of a friend of mine. At the very least if your name is Austin, let your "family" know.

i feel like such a fraud whenever i have to communicate with other people i don't know how translate my thoughts into language everything comes out wrong, or at least it never feels like something i actually meant to say i've been trying to write this post for two days

>>1443 NK successfully testing nuclear-capable ICBM's actually made the world much safer. You know why Korea in the 1950's, Vietnam, Grenada, Panama, Afghanistan, Saddam's Iraq, Qaddafi's Libya and Assad's Syria were subject to US aggression? Because none of them had nukes, none of them had the capability to retaliate against the US homeland. The USA only attacks countries which are incapable of effectively striking back. Now that North Korea has nuclear ICBM's, North Korea is effectively secure against US aggression. The probability of the USA initiating a catastrophic war against North Korea is astronomically low. https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/05/the-real-reason-washington-is-worried-about-north-koreas-icbm-test/ Also, in general (on a global scale) nuclear weapons are an all-in or nothing proposition. In other words, in order to minimize the probability of nuclear weapons actually being used there are only two options. Option 1: No state possesses nuclear weapons. Option 2: All or as many states as possible possess nuclear weapons. Option 1 is a no go. Too late. Pandora's box has already been opened. Therefore, Option 2 is the way to go. https://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/waltz1.htm >climate change Assuming the worst goes down with global warming and flooding, you should be relatively alright (compared to most) for the rest of your life as long as you live in a high elevation area. >economic crash Yeah, capitalism's fuarrrked. https://gowans.wordpress.com/2010/05/09/a-failed-systems-failed-promises/ https://gowans.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/do-publicly-owned-planned-economies-work/

>>1457 It's called "social anxiety". You have had few traumatic experiences in life where you were judged and bullied for having shared your emotions and thoughts. Now you're faking even your body language and emotions just for people not to see the true you. That is why you feel as a fraud. It's not that you don't know how to communicate but it's that you have an emotional blockade not letting you say what you mean. I suggest you look into >>1308

>>1447 I once had a long-term partner and overshared about me not being able to wake up inside. Got all worried and trying to "fix me up". One thing led to another and my family got involved. It was a soykafshow. Telling anyone anything about it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. It has resulted in so much cringyness, it almost lead to me actually killing myself because I couldn't handle this much cringe. I think it is one of a couple of reasons why I now keep people that are close to me behind a sort of a smoke screen - I tell many things, all of it highly expressive, half of it made up or exaggerated. They assume everything I say is in jest, that I am light-hearted and banterous. I don't think that I could say nothing at all when something affects me, so this way no one notices when what I say is really important to me. Even if I were to sit down with a friend or a significant other and do the serious talk thing, they would expect that I am acting out a character, doing some sort of joke performance, or that there's a punchline at the end and I find it really funny. Works for me, though I guess it is in some respect isolating me more than if I were to not talk to people at all. Now I talk and they can't hear me. It's not society's perceptions of suicide. People in radically different states of mind simply can't communicate, just as spouses with strong emotional stuff towards each other become estranged, someone's descriptions of religious extasy are just noise to most of people, and so on. I have experienced intense depression, staying in bed for weeks on end for a couple of years, spent my youth wrapped in a blanket, then I was functioning but abusing pain medication or drinking (or both, but it's a very stupid idea to do both of those simultaneously) every time I didn't have things to do, which was getting me in one piece through the times when I could think and feel; I had suicidal thoughts pretty fuarrrking often, serious plans of suicide more than a handful of times, won't say I never stood on the ledge. Did therapy and all that, which didn't work for me at all, only aggravated my condition. Now that years have passed and somehow I find myself not in this state anymore, I would describe myself as feeling "fine"; the only thing left from my blue days are decadent books and music collection, a couple of scars on my thigh, and a smoking habit; I don't think I can really understand anything about how you feel. When I look back at myself in a probably comparable condition, I can remember my thoughts and feelings, but it all seems absurd, even ridiculous; very emotional. So, I guess that I don't understand them anymore. However, I don't think it would stand to reason that I have the dismissive and oversimplified conception of suicide that most of society and popular culture has, since I've been there and felt the feels for many years. So, don't expect than anyone will understand you or react in a satisfying way. You are pretty much on your own with that soykaf, no one will get what you feel. The notion that someone will understand someone else's inner state so different from their's is self-contradictory. If these feels were something you could just share and talk out, they would not be what they are. If you are sure that you wish to tell your friend, go ahead, but these ideas will materialize outside of your head and be given a form by other people. You will not like the form and you will cringe at it, and you will feel like they're intruding into something very private. Or maybe you won't, at least I did.

>>1462 one thing to keep in mind: if you tell someone and they make it worse, if they're a real friend they're doing everything they do because they're concerned for you and trying to help.

>>1317 It sounds like you don't have any trouble reading through long, complicated texts, so my advice to go hide in a library was probably not very useful. You can still try to do programming and even try to make it fun. There is a rather long game programming series up on youtube, created by one Yan Chernikov. It's in Java, which is ugly, but Cherno really does build it from scratch right in front of your eyes and he explains just about every last line of code. If you type down every line as you see it, in Eclipse, then you should be able to eventually overcome the initial anxiety around programming. If you speak a second language then you could also try to become a freelance translator, but I have no idea if your circumstances allow for something like that. Your opportunities for work might be affected by your ability to brag, and on the name of the school written on a fancy degree. If, however, you tell people that you can write in a third language then they'll be impressed either way and start giving you translation work. That's what I've heard, anyway.

All I do lately is look learn about military tactics and diy weapons. If thing's don't work out I'd join the military. If I survive I will either be a (GOOD) police officer or I will try to find work in the assassination markets. I have the connections to do the latter and if soykaf hits the fan I have a few backup plans and a lot of money stored. Ave Nex Alea and all praise Lain.

i have progressed so far and have become quite the normal person. im kind of frightened

>>1476 Before you try to make money doing wet work for el chapo types, maybe you could instead find employment at a gun store. Sounds quite a bit easier. You could even study engineering and go work for Lockheed. Then you can have all the guns you want. The STEMbux can buy you more guns then you'll even know what to do with. You can enter marksmanship competitions and go prepare for the apocalypse while the super cool assassins you heard about are wasting away in jail like dumbasses. If it was still 2016 then you could have gone to Syria to shoot up ISIS, but you sorta missed out on that. Sorry.

>>1476 Join the Cuban Revolutionary Armed Forces, Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps or the Korean People's Army. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoyOFNV1Wxc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlpagxWhwJE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0ZTmkeHpeQ

>>1476 >>1480 He can still join the Kurds

>>1485 >Kurds ebin maymay https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-myth-of-the-kurdish-ypgs-moral-excellence/ >>1476 If you're serious about wanting to join a military force, then... Join the Resistance Axis. >Islamic Republic of Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) >Syrian Arab Republic Armed Forces (SAA) >Hezbollah >Iraqi Popular Committees >Yemen Ansarullah I recommend the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps or Hezbollah if you want the best training by the most experienced battle-hardened veterans. Yemen Ansarullah or SAA or Qods Force (IRGC special forces) if you want to see the most current on-the-field action. Iraqi Popular Committees if you want somewhere in between probably. Don't take my word for it, though. I'm not currently on the field. Talk to your contacts for the most up-to-date info. Make sure to master Arabic or Farsi (preferably both if you intend to go the IRGC route, especially Qods Force) well before you ship out from Iran or Lebanon or whichever relatively stable state you intend to use as your jumping off point to the battlefield(s) you intend to fight in. However, I'd encourage you to seriously think this through. Consider whether you really, REALLY would not be happy pursuing ANY other line of work. You don't get a redo, a re-spawn, a level restart, a saved game file, a memory card slot or an (insert coin here). One single bullet to the vitals or IED or booby trap or cruise missile or RPG or mortar shell or cluster bomb and it's over. Finito. So you better make sure that this military adventure stuff is something you truly, sincerely want to do from the bottom of your heart. Only you can answer this for yourself, nobody else can answer this for you (though they can try to convince you or reason with you or swindle you one way or the other). The final decision rests with you. Because nobody knows for sure whether or not you experience an afterlife. The only ones who could tell us (the dead) aren't able to. All we know for sure is that you have this one life, this one biological tick-tock clock that ticks and tocks and ticks and tocks until one day it just stops ticking and tocking. So you better make damn sure you're making the best and happiest and most fulfilling use of your limited time, and enjoying the ride while it lasts.

I feel very sad, there is a lot of stuff going on with my life. So I was in a anti systemic group and we made projects with local communities and for a while it was very nice, everything was running smoothly until the members stopped caring, they didn't show up for assembly or any of our planing meetings, in the end it was just 3 of us doing the heavy lifting of logistics while the rest of the group just came the day of the event or rally to take pictures of themselves being all radical and stuff to post on their facebook profiles. In the end I told my 2 comrades that I was quitting the group to join another more active one with deeper ideological foundations. We parted in good terms which is a relief since the stressful job of doing everything between us 3 was putting a strain on our friendship. The new group of which I'm part of is about programing, we are going to be working on some cool projects maybe build a hacker space but I still feel sad, my old team is having a reunion today organized by the other teammates that barely work, my two friends are going, because I definitely quit last week I don't intend to go but I still feel melancholic about it since I liked everyone there even the lazy ones, they were very fun to hang around with, one has to grow though and not doing as much as one can its not the way forward. On the other hand my romantic relationships are worse than my political life, nobody gives me the time of day, I was dating a guy a few months ago I thought he was very nice and intelligent but I was wrong he is kind of a cunt so I told him to fuarrrk off after a month, then I went back to dating, went out with a few girls couple of dates here and there but in some cases I'm not cool like those anarchist skaters that share stuff against the government on facebook and wear Che Guevara T-shirts on other situations the girls were just interested on me taking them out and buying them stuff and since I'm not in high school anymore as soon as I noticed I just kept away. I'm not looking for relationship advice so I wont go in depth about why I've been failing at this, in the end I just think that I'm trying to date with the wrong crowd. But still I'm starting to feel the weight of being lonely I'm supposed to be writing code right now instead because I woke up with my left foot I'm just here venting, reading useless articles and brewing soykaf on other boards. My actual job for paying bills is okay, I live pay check to pay check but I only work 10h weekly as a teacher so it gives me plenty of time to indulge in autistic studying of things that will never make me money. But yeah my main problem is loneliness living alone in a big apartment is weird, I feel better already after writing this might even start coding.

>>1489 you shouldnt even have accepted people who think they can be "radical" and still use centralized social media

>>1490 it's quite simple to be genuinely radical and still use centralized social media. Use centralized social media for contacting/keeping in touch with friends and normalplebs and spreading agitprop to inform the normal people. Use encrypted messaging apps/media/mail systems for organizing direct action and sabotage and similar type operations.

>>1488 > YPG is the same as the PKK > Kurds are imperialist puppets Sure, let's repeat the position of Erdogan's Turkey: YPG === PKK. It's a pretty useful position, because it justifies Erdogan's decision to attack YPG from behind while they're in the middle of fighting ISIS, just to pre-emptively crush any kind of Kurdish attempt at autonomy. In another country. Erdogan ignored ISIS when they were two feet from his borders, then when ISIS was weakened he suddenly got up and invaded Syria to... bomb Kurdish towns. No wait, I mean to fight terrorism! Right? By the way, I guess everyone in the HDP is a terrorist as well? Of course! We have to break up a major Turkish political party, because terrorism. So where did the Syrian Kurds go so wrong? Wait, I know! It all started when they were driven back to Kobani. When the Kurds were about to get slaughtered by ISIS they should not have accepted air support from the United States but should have just laid down and died instead. To ensure ideological purity, you see. Wouldn't want to anger any purists on the internet. Furthermore, when the Kurds go about driving back ISIS on the ground because nobody else has the means or the spine to do so, they should not ask for Kurdish autonomy as already seen in northern Iraq, because that's actually an attempt to destroy Syria. All Kurds are zionist puppets, obviously. Let's just conveniently ignore the fact that the YPG also received major support from Russia, which isn't much of a secret since Erdogan very loudly complained about it. So by now we have decided that Specops Anon should NOT join the Kurds (the ones who actually accept international volunteers) but should instead try to join groups that don't fukken want him, and would doom him to de facto exile from his home country if they somehow did accept him. Good luck anon!

>>1490 I know! Some of these "radical" school children even use money and obey traffic signals!

>>1491 you can be pragmatic of course and e.g just have a page saying "contact us at riot.im" , but talking about revolution and contributing to the monopoly of social interaction and organization is just laughable.

>>1492 > YPG is the same as the PKK > Kurds are imperialist puppets >Sure, let's repeat the position of Erdogan's Turkey: YPG === PKK.  Whether or not this is Erdogan’s position is not relevant to whether or not this is true.  If Hitler or King Leopold II or [insert genocidal imperialist/colonialist aggressor] take the position that “Onions induce tears when handled in close contact”, this does not ergo facto imply that anybody who observes that onions do in fact induce tears when handled in close contact must be a Nazi or pro-colonialist/imperialist etc. From https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-myth-of-the-kurdish-ypgs-moral-excellence/: “ The PKK’s goal, writes The Wall Street Journal’s Sam Dagher, “is a confederation of self-rule Kurdish-led enclaves in Iran, Iraq, Syria and Turkey” [6] countries in which Kurdish populations have a presence, though, as we’ve seen, an insignificant one in Syria. In pursuit of this goal “as many as 5,000 Syrian Kurds have died fighting alongside the PKK since the mid-1980s, and nearly all of YPG’s top leaders and battle-hardened fighters are veterans of the decades-long struggle against Turkey.” [7] In Syria, the PKK’s goal “is to establish a self-ruled region in northern Syria,” [8] an area with a significant Arab population. When PKK fighters cross the border into Turkey, they become ‘terrorists’, according to the United States and European Union, but when they cross back into Syria they are miraculously transformed into ‘guerrilla” fighters waging a war for democracy as the principal component of the Syrian Democratic Force. The reality is, however, that whether on the Turkish or Syrian side of the border, the PKK uses the same methods, pursues the same goals, and relies largely on the same personnel. The YPG is the PKK. "

>>1492 >It's a pretty useful position, because it justifies Erdogan's decision to attack YPG from behind while they're in the middle of fighting ISIS, just to pre-emptively crush any kind of Kurdish attempt at autonomy. In another country.  >Erdogan ignored ISIS when they were two feet from his borders, then when ISIS was weakened he suddenly got up and invaded Syria to... bomb Kurdish towns. No wait, I mean to fight terrorism! Right?  No, this position does not justify Erdogan’s decision to invade Syrian territory. Turkish invasion of Syria is to be opposed just as resolutely as the USA’s defacto invasion of Syrian territory, the CIA-trained and funded “Islamist” insurgency used as a Western tool to weaken the Arab socialist Syrian state and the USA-supported YPG’s efforts to ethnically cleanse north Syria of its indigenous Arab population in the same way that the US-funded and supplied KLA ethnically cleansed Kosovo of its Serb, Roma and Jewish population back in 1999.  >By the way, I guess everyone in the HDP is a terrorist as well? Of course! We have to break up a major Turkish political party, because terrorism. HDP was never mentioned, nor was any other Turkish political party.

>>1492 >So where did the Syrian Kurds go so wrong? Wait, I know! It all started when they were driven back to Kobani. When the Kurds were about to get slaughtered by ISIS they should not have accepted air support from the United States but should have just laid down and died instead. It all started when they opportunistically took advantage of the US-Western aggression against Syria to pursue their goal of ethnically cleansing the indigenous Arab population of north Syria in order to establish a Kurdish state. From https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-myth-of-the-kurdish-ypgs-moral-excellence/: " In both Syria and Iraq, Kurdish fighters have used the campaign against ISIS as an opportunity to extend Kurdistan into traditionally Arab territories in which Kurds have never been in the majority." ... “ By 2014, the PKK had “declared three self-rule administrations, or cantons as they call them, in northern Syria: Afreen, in the northwest, near the city of Aleppo; Kobani; and Jazeera in the northeast, which encompasses Ras al-Ain and the city of Qamishli. Their goal [was] to connect all three.” [13] This would mean controlling the intervening spaces occupied by Arabs. “ … "The PKK now controls 20,000 square miles of Syrian territory [32], or roughly 17 percent of the country, while Kurds represent less than eight percent of the population." ... “Large numbers of Arab residents populate the regions Kurds designate as their own.” [28] The PKK has taken “over a large swath of territory across northern Syria—including predominantly Arab cities and towns.” [29] Raqqa, and surrounding parts of the Euphrates Valley on which the PKK has set its sights, are mainly populated by Arabs, observes The Independent’s veteran foreign correspondent Patrick Cockburn—and the Arabs are opposed to Kurdish occupation. [30] … In their efforts to create a Kurdish region inside Syria, the PKK “has been accused of abuses by Arab civilians across northern Syria, including arbitrary arrests and displacing Arab populations in the name of rolling back Islamic State.” [33] The PKK “has expelled Arabs and ethnic Turkmen from large parts of northern Syria,” reports The Wall Street Journal. [34] The Journal additionally notes that human rights “groups have accused [Syrian and Iraqi Kurdish fighters] of preventing Arabs from returning to liberated areas.” [35] >To ensure ideological purity, you see. Wouldn't want to anger any purists on the internet. To oppose ethnic cleansing by a USA-Western-Zionist tool and the partition of a state (Arab socialist Syria) which defends itself in a democratic struggle against the international dictatorship of the USA. If democracy is to mean anything at all, we must support democracy in international relations.

>>1492 >Furthermore, when the Kurds go about driving back ISIS on the ground because nobody else has the means or the spine to do so, they should not ask for Kurdish autonomy as already seen in northern Iraq, because that's actually an attempt to destroy Syria.  Ethnically cleansing and occupying the indigenous Arab and Turkmen population of north Syria is Kurdish hegemony and Kurdish colonial occupation NOT autonomy. The YPG may be fighting against the ISIS tool, but they have made their bed with the US puppet-master imperialist aggressor against Syria, which is much more powerful and dangerous. ISIS is small fry compared to the USA. The USA is the mother of terrorism and has already defacto invaded Syria. The YPG is the tip of the US spear pointed to the heart of Arab socialist Syria. The Syrian Arab Army pulled back troops from north Syria for the critical defense of Damascus and Aleppo.  The Syrian Arab Army, Hezbollah and the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps have done much more to drive back USA-supported ISIS and FSA and other “moderate", head-chopping, heart-eating “Islamist” mercenaries from Syrian territory as a whole than the YPG has. Don’t dare insult the dignified martyrs of the Resistance Axis who have sacrificed so many tens of thousands of martyrs by saying they have no spine or capabilities, you arrogant forked-tongue viper. From https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-myth-of-the-kurdish-ypgs-moral-excellence/: "Damascus facilitated the PKK take-over by withdrawing its troops from Kurdish-dominated areas. The Middle East specialist Patrick Seale, who wrote that the Kurds had “seized the opportunity” of the chaos engendered by the Islamist uprising “to boost their own political agenda” [11] speculated that the Syrian government’s aims in pulling back from Kurd-majority areas was to redirect “troops for the defence of Damascus and Aleppo;” punish Turkey for its support of Islamist insurgents; and “to conciliate the Kurds, so as to dissuade them from joining the rebels.” [12] The PKK, as it turns out, didn’t join the Islamist insurgents, as Damascus hoped. But they did join a more significant part of the opposition to Arab nationalist Syria: the puppet master itself, the United States.” >Kurdish autonomy as already seen in northern Iraq Speaking of Iraq…. From https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-myth-of-the-kurdish-ypgs-moral-excellence/: “ Kurdish forces are not only “retaking” Christian and Muslim Arab towns in Syria, but are doing the same in the Nineveh province of Iraq—areas “which were never Kurdish in the first place. Kurds now regard Qamishleh, and Hassakeh province in Syria as part of ‘Kurdistan’, although they represent a minority in many of these areas.” [31] " >All Kurds are zionist puppets, obviously. From https://gowans.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-myth-of-the-kurdish-ypgs-moral-excellence/: " US support for these Kurdish groups” not only in Syria, but in Iraq, where the Kurds were also exploiting the battle with ISIS to expand their rule into traditionally Arab areas, helped “to both divide Syria and divide Iraq,” wrote The Independent’s veteran Middle East correspondent Robert Fisk.  Division redounded to the benefit of the United States and Israel, both of which have an interest in pursuing a divide and rule policy to exercise a joint hegemony over the Arab world. Patrick Seale remarked that the US-Kurd plan for Kurdish rule in northern Syria had been met by “quiet jubilation in Israel, which has long had a semi-clandestine relationship with the Kurds, and welcomes any development which might weaken or dismember Syria.” [19] "

>>1492 >Let's just conveniently ignore the fact that the YPG also received major support from Russia, which isn't much of a secret since Erdogan very loudly complained about it. Russia’s interest is in keeping the Tartous port secure and keeping the Zionist entity (which Russia has ties with) safe. Russia is NOT in the Resistance Axis. Russia is not committed to the full liberation of Syria’s land from the USA, “Islamist” insurgents, Turkey and the YPG Kurdish nationalist ethnic cleansers. The Zionist entity is Al Qaeda’s air force. Whenever the Zionist entity launches airstrikes against Syria and violates Syrian land, or when Turkey violates Syria’s land from the north, Russia does nothing. Russia is completely fine with the Western partition of Syria as long as its Tartous port is secure and the Zionist entity is safe. Hezbollah and the IRGC were the key on-the-ground allies of the SAA who sacrificed many martyrs to liberate Aleppo NOT Russia and its airstrikes. Land can only be liberated through resistance on the ground not airstrikes. Assad needs to get the memo to stop fuarrrking around with Putin (who is a Zionist Israel-sustainer) and trust his closest, most trustworthy allies in the Resistance Axis (Iran and Hezbollah). The sooner he takes this step, the sooner Syria is liberated and the sooner Syria stops bleeding out from every day from the current international aggression against it. Only Iran and Hezbollah are committed to and capable of fully liberating all of Syria’s land (including the occupied Golan Heights) from the current multiple aggressors. The proof of this is in Hezbollah’s victory over the US-supported Zionist entity in Lebanon (2000 and 2006) and the Islamic Republic of Iran’s successful sacred defense against Saddam’s imposed war (1980-1988) when the entire Western arrogant powers (USA, British, French, etc over 20 countries) supported and armed and financed Saddam’s Iraq in its aggression against Iran to the tune of tens of billions of dollars. Assad needs to double down on the Resistance Axis and invite Hezbollah and the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps to send many more troops to liberate Syria. Both Iran and Hezbollah are fully willing and capable of doing so, but will only do so at Assad’s invitation. Iran and Hezbollah do not impose on Syria, Syria makes its own independent decisions. Qasem Soleimani, head of the Qods Force (IRGC special forces) at one point even invited Assad to send his family to safety in Iran in exchange for coordinating with Soleimani together on the ground and increasing SAA-IRGC coordination much more than is the case currently. Assad turned down this offer. Iran respected Assad’s decision and still continues to support Assad.

>>1492 >So by now we have decided that Specops Anon should NOT join the Kurds (the ones who actually accept international volunteers) but should instead try to join groups that don't fukken want him, and would doom him to de facto exile from his home country if they somehow did accept him. Good luck anon! >NOT join the Kurds No, Specops Anon should not join a proxy for Wall Street investor/banker/capitalist and Zionist interests. It sure would suck for him to waste his skills and possibly his life being a mere disposable pawn for Wall Street, Rockefeller, Exxon Mobil, Blackwater, Coca Cola, CIA, Mossad etc. >don’t fukken want him The Resistance Axis welcomes all who are committed to the path of Arab and Islamic resistance and the path of liberating Palestine. >doom him to de facto exile from his home country if they somehow did accept him Why should he be doomed to de facto exile from his home country? Iran has not attacked another country in over 200 years. Hezbollah has never committed a terrorist act against US or Western civilians. Neither have the Iraqi Popular Committees. Nor Ansarullah of Yemen.

I feel like we live in a new dark age. Nobody listens to reason, even the supposed intellectuals. Nobody bothers to make proper arguments. They just scream, accuse, make ridiculous unsupportable claims, pepper them with snark and think they've won the debate. fuarrrk this society. It can't burn to the ground fast enough.

>>1514 It was always like that.

>>1514 >Gets blown the fuarrrk out in 6 consecutive, comprehensive, point-by-point, cited/sourced refutations of your snarky commentary (see >>1492). >" W-we live in new Dark Age! Nobody listens to reason. Nobody makes proper arguments. They just scream, accuse... pepper them with snark etc. " Clockwork.

>>1592 Narrow horse blinders

>>1594 (USER WAS WARNED FOR THIS POST, Please elaborate in your post in future, please state what you mean by narrow horse blinders, and also provide any other relevant information. As per the rules page 4. You should always elaborate on your opinions rather than just spilling the soykaf.)

>>1592 Seriously, why??? You're literally just making random people hate you.

>>1598 Maybe he's like me, I enjoy when others hate me. It's a turn on, especially when they can't do anything about it.

If it means anything to you, there's nothing to gain from relationships like that, unless they were offering you sex. Friendship isn't even a real thing.

all I ever wanted in my life was a mutual best friend. I failed and now have literally no friends at all. I'm getting old, now closer to 30 than 20, but I don't understand that this much time has passed since I was teenager. I'll never have a relationship. I can't meet new people. I can't live like this anymore.

>>1602 It pains me to see people going through your situation. I wish I had words of comfort, however, I'm mostly the same. I'm getting old and spent the last years distancing myself from everyone. Even my family I wouldn't consider close to me. Not as it used to be, although it's almost entirely my fault. The only person I could call best friend in my life, whom I haven't seen for years, contacted me this week and wanted to see me. So I've been kind of excited these last few days. Other than that, I don't have expectations to make new friends or have a meaningful relationship (or any relationship at all really). So I think I understand what you feel. Still, I have no intentions of giving up. I only know how to live even in this flawed manner, and plan to keep doing just that. I hope you can do the same, lain.

What's worse than being stuck in a loop of Wish and Inability to Create, that's constantly fueled by self-loathing, with impatience and notions of my time being long lost looming in my thoughts? I tried giving up, but I keep on coming back, it keeps on coming back, and I'm pretty much powerless in this situation. Maslow's Pyramid is no joke after all. At this point I really wish I had been raised with Soviet commie dogmas in mind: so that I would have never even thought about doing something artsy, and spent my prime years on learning something that I can be good at, and that could bring me decent income. Just make a robot out of me already. My life will be easier that way.

...feeling lonely...yadda yadda...got no friends...yadda yadda...missing out...nobody cares...yadda

>>1615 >>nobody cares That's how reality works, Lainon. You gotta deal with it. I would suggest you to read a bit of Nietzsche and also the Mein Kampf (possibly in a non-emotional and non-political way). >>1166 Turns out I was wrong. I actually finished with a perfect 100/100. But I don't feel like it matters, anyway.

>>1626 >read Nietzsche and Hitler Pretty sure Nietzsche would've killed himself if he knew to which extent nazis would appropiate his philosophies.

>>1626 soykaf tier advice tbh

>>1628 The reading is retarded, but he's right about how nobody cares

>>1627 >>1628 I had written a pretty long post, but Appleman seems to be even more dictator-ish than Hitler himself, so my reply got deleted and no draft was saved. The amount of words censored and those who trigger the spam filter is simply pathetic.

I cared, and I cared a lot. We all do about something, at least at some point of our lives. But because of our ridiculous and irrational fear to the unknown, some of us (the most weak willed, I dare say), decide to stay on the soulless, gray and merciless hell we come to know as the palm of our hand, instead of being brave and adventuring in hopes of finding something better. And that is a heavy weight that carries my soul, a self-inflicted suffering that I will never forgive myself for. For now on, I dedicate to study a version of myself that has been long missing, meanwhile I pity my own person and isolate myself from "the foreign threat", clear signs that I have learned nothing from my scars.

>>1667 PS: Bad decisions can f.u.c.k (I hate the filter on curses) you up, and you're gonna live one hellish ride of a life if you are as undecisive as me.

>>1668 already am, lain.

Its summer so im back home at my moms house. For some reason I cant work around her. If I try to draw, animate, or do anything productive while shes up im worried she will come in and see and then (?) I dont really know after that. Wouldnt my mom just be proud im doing something? But I have this idea in my head she would belittle what im doing, not understansd, misunderstand, try to read into it a lot because im an intensely secretive person when it comes to my family (no idea why it was just some subconscious defense mechamism i picked up). I actually just lie usually and say im playing video games all day. I dont even really play video games anymore since I went to college. Im more comfortable with myself around friends or even complete strangers than I am with my family. They are stifling for some reason. Id like to talk to people if I am out with them but I feel I cant cause they are around, and it would be out of character for me to have a conversation wuth a stranger. In this rare case I know somehow it isnt my fault I feel this way. When someone asks me something my mom often jumps in to speak for me. Is there anything for me to do even? Most of the year im at college, its not a huge deal. But I spend the summers and winter break alone, which would be fine if I didnt feel so restricted in my own body around them. And then my mom asks why am I so secretive, or why I get so stiff when shes around, I honestly dont know what to tell her. I have no clue why, but obviously I feel I need to be. I will be deeply sad when my mom dies and I dont want that to happen, but I know if I am to grow as a person someday its gotta happen. That or I will have to break many ties which will be taken the wrong way by all of my family. Its not that I dont love them, its just that I cant spend my life living under them. My cousin was smart she just started basically hating her mom and now can act however she wants. But I dont have it in me to do that. My moms a very sensitive person, and shes never beaten me or anything (hell she probably should have though) despite going through intense abuse herself as a kid. So I will always be nice but I hope she doesnt expect im forever in her debt or that im going to be with her forever cause shes lonely. I have things I want to do im sorry. She will say she understands this but I know she doesnt and secretly thinks the world is just conspiring against her and why must she die alone and no one loves her etc. For her raising a child meant not being alone, the joy wasnt just raising a child itself. Whatever soykaf abusive cycle produced my grandparents and their children il probably be the first to break out of it as well as my cousin. My mom did a very good job at not fuarrrking over my life but now it is time for me to get rid of the traces left, the emotional dependence and depression. I hope one day I can have a family where gatherings arent a tense event where everyone must act super fake to avoid stepping on the numerous insecurities in the room, till someone gets drunk and just starts insulting people and a fight blows up. Id like to have a family where we can disagree and fight and agree and talk and hate eachother and love eachother openly and still be family at the end of the day. If I dont die young like I hope I will, at the peak of whatever im doing, il make sure to make that happen.

>>1605 At least open a book regarding that before you spew such trite things, please.

>>1605 >At this point I really wish I had been raised with Soviet commie dogmas in mind: so that I would have never even thought about doing something artsy heh It's funny because Soviets held the arts in very high regard (ballet, theater, film, painting, sculpture) while at the same time in the USA people would call you a glitterboy for trying to into those things.

>>1675 This resonates so much with me. I feel this way so much sometimes, I love her to death, but I cant talk to her about anything anymore. She wont accept even discussion of our differing ideals and still sees me as her little baby. I understand why, biologically and psychologically, but the experience is so far from the analysis that I just do not know how to proceed. I am currently hoping that my traveling far away will soften the bond a bit, and perhaps allow us to alter our perceptions of one another enough that we can interact as equals and friends. But I suppose we shall see. I plan on building tax shielded interest earning accounts in my parents names to fund their retirements and to potentially provide cryopreservation for them in the likely event of their death. I do this out of a love for them and a benefit, both psychological and financial for myself. Besides, I reckon they are worth keeping around, if only for having someone to talk to that knows me from my first moment.

How do I slide into a girl's DM's without being weird if I've never met her in person and she's lives far away from me? Been beating myself up over this. Also, will shrooms help me get over a benzos habit? Also, would I potentially be able to find someone who'd offer to sell me peyote/San Pedro or take peyote/San Pedro with them in an intentional spiritual/religious ceremony if I drove down to Navajo or Hopi etc land in the Southwest?

>>1690 "ayo bish, wuss poppin" yea, they'll also help you destroy your sense of self just buy it owa da darknet mah dude

>>1691 >just buy it owa da darknet mah dude I'm a poor user. Don't have the initial capital or know-how to invest in cyptocurrency.

>>1690 Nah I doubt it. After that carlos castaneda book those people got fuarrrking booked with hippy new age types trying to pull that. They hate them. I get the feeling the minute you ask about it they are going to kinda shut off.

>>1249 I don't remember when it started but I have almost the exact same soykaf. At the beginning I thought about giants organizing everything around me like for a pet. Went through a lot of different phases of who could be behind it at some point o thought it was my parents. Weird stuff, was never 100% either, felt like a thought experiment a lot of the time. One really weird thing about this is I always think people on the tram or where ever I am can here the music I am listening to even though I am using headphones.

>>1277 Don't do it. It sound amazing and it will be for a good long while but it's going to be hell

>>1693 I'm not at all a "hippy new age" type. In fact, the "hippie movement" was a US military intelligence/CIA psyop from the very beginning to infiltrate the anti-war movement and sabotage revolutionaries like the Black Panthers, Brown Berets, AIM (American Indian Movement) and working class revolt in general through the flooding of recreational drugs, absurd music and bizarre sex/pedo cults and serial killers. I'd like to think that I would do my best to not impose an arrogant outlook or a colonialist outlook upon the indigenous nations of the Four Corners region. As a matter of fact, I stand (as all morally upright, conscientious, disciplined revolutionaries should) with the aboriginal American struggle for the full liberation of their lands from the US colonialist entity. Just as I support the disciplined, principled, dignified, anti-colonialist struggle of the Axis of Resistance (Palestine, Hezbollah, Syria, the Islamic Republic of Iran, Yemen Ansarullah, Iraqi Popular Committees). The Resistance Axis which has achieved so many victories on the ground against the schemes of the Great Satan (USA) and its tool and Western colonialist outpost (the Little Satan aka the Zionist entity) in the Arab and Islamic world through the path of sacrifice and the path of martyrdom and the path of refusing to sell away a single inch of Palestine to the Zionist occupiers and refusing to compromise revolutionary principles to the Western colonialist powers of the Global Arrogance. Pardon the digression. As regards to the topic at hand: My ancestry on the American continent goes back tens of thousands of years. I have not a single doubt that my ancestors partook of the spiritual fruits of the earth (in particular: psilocybin, salvia, toloatzin, probably peyote as well considering the region(s) my ancestors inhabited pre-Columbus). Of course, these entheogen were prohibited by the Euro-colonialist invaders as part of their campaign to subjugate us and destroy our culture and originality and facilitate their arrogant project to plunder our lands and resources. So I consider it a grave crime that on this occupied soil, I am barred from and subject to the threat of imprisonment or even public execution on the spot by the cops (who work for the bankers, capitalist investors and assorted money-men). For merely wishing to partake of the bounties of the earth that have been the sacred birthright of my ancestry for thousands of years. And to consider that the best and possibly only realistic shot I might have at partaking of them is to make the long journey to the irradiated and despoiled and poor Four Corners native (Navajo, Hopi, Ute etc) "reservations". Reservations whose state of total economic/political/social desperation relative to the conditions of the rest of occupied America is similar in many respects to the desperate condition of besieged and blockaded and starving Gaza relative to the Zionist settlements in occupied Palestine (from the river to the sea). In any case, if it's not clear enough already, my intention is not to merely travel to the Four Corners, try to buy peyote and leave. Instead, I intend to integrate a potential peyote experience within the context of a more general effort on my part to be a respectful visitor to the Four Corners, to talk to and break bread with the people of the native nations of that particular region, to immerse myself in the sacredness of that beautiful land and its star-filled skies and immense canyons and valleys and rivers. That is what I'm aiming for.

>>1697 (cont) Moreover, I consider the path of spiritual plants to be a path of personal guidance, a path to help me to overcome my bad habits and in particular to rid myself of the bad habit of benzos pills and other assorted damaging drugs such as opiods. And to surrender these habits and substances for the guidance and life-giving power of the sacred plants that my ancestors used to gather and forage for in abundance. To connect with the originality of my culture and ancestry and emerge from the darkness of depression and dissociation and dis-connection from the true essence of the world and the love for the world's people and the struggle of the oppressed against the arrogant and the beauty of the world's bounty, which could provide for all ten-thousand fold were it not for the capitalist and imperialist and colonialist greed and predatory blood lust of the Global Arrogance.

>>1691 >"ayo bish, wuss poppin" elaborate please? I almost ever use social media. Don't know how this DM flirting soykaf works. Also don't want to wade through dozens of Google search hits of disinformation and contradictory advices and "buy my seduction skills e-book/newsletter for $13.99 per month! "

>>1697 >in particular: psilocybin, salvia, toloatzin, probably peyote as well considering the region(s) salvia is fully legal, Datura innoxia (toloatzin) is uncontrolled and: >Where there is exclusive federal jurisdiction or state law is not racially limited, peyote use by Native American Church members is legal and racially neutral in the United States.[40] This exemption from federal criminalization is as old as creation of federal law creating peyote related offenses. Only psilocybin is illegal, and that was only from 1968 onwards when your vicious rulers were busy making you use chemical weapons on Vietnamese. >, I am barred from and subject to the threat of imprisonment or even public execution on the spot by the cops ... For merely wishing to partake of the bounties of the earth that have been the sacred birthright of my ancestry for thousands of years It's not your birthright in a spiritual sense to partake in these things, it is your birthright as a human to not be controlled like this. There is no spiritual claim to the land or its chemicals, but there is an ancestral claim for the Native Americans with well over 10 thousand years history there. You keep talking about the "originality" of your culture as if you have some claim over the cultures of all peoples of the Americas. Just because your particular ancestors had a culture different from the colonists that you are used to doesn't mean its more original. If you were born immersed in the Native American culture it would appear bland and normal to you and other cultures original and exciting. The originality only shows in contrast against other cultures, comparing between Native American cultures the way people compare German and French cultures would just unveil the spread of culture throughout that region and would feel less original within itself. Preaching the originality of the culture you feel ancestral ties to might arouse some comfortable emotions in others who also feel those ties, but these kinds of arguments are counter productive when you are effectively telling everyone their culture is not as good because its not yours. It feels like the sorts of arguments people make for why they like "world music" because it's more "exotic". However, to be fair, the current globalist trend is homogenizing cultures into something bland.

>>1697 >>1698 Yeah i'm aware, the thing is you are wasting your time because I don't think nor do I care if you are a hippy new age type. Fact is they will think that regardless. You just are another foreigner who comes by and asks about peyote. >>1700 and more importantly to go on from what this guy said no one knows who you are nor do they care if YOUR family was different. no point in arguing because either you will take what I said or choose to believe you will somehow be different and stand out from the countless others visiting these southwest tribes.

"I have a dream"! That one day, every person in this nation will control their own destiny! A land of the truly free, jammit! A nation of action, not words -- ruled by strength, not committee! Where the law changes to suit the individual, not the other way around! Where power and justice are back where they belong, in the hands of the people! Where every man is free- to think, to act- for himself! fuarrrk all these limp-dick lawyers, and these chickensoykaf bureaucrats! fuarrrk this 24/7 internet spew of trivia and celebrity bullsoykaf! fuarrrk American Pride -- fuarrrk the media -- fuarrrk all of it! America is diseased -- rotten to the core...there's no saving it... We need to pull it out by the roots! Wipe the slate clean -- BURN IT DOWN! And from the ashes a new America will be born! Evolved but untamed! The weak will be purged, and the strongest will thrive; free to live as they see fit! They'll MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! In my new America, people will die and kill... for what they believe! Not for money, not for oil, not for what they're told is right! Every man will be free to fight his own wars!

>>1698 I was going to write something mean and call your post satire, but tbh I think it's a good thing that you believe in something and you're able to feel some sort of connection to your ancestors and to your ancestral land. I hope you continue to do so, maybe someday you'll support smarter causes... but ah well. In a lot of cultures they believe that your family isn't just the people you are related to, but that it also includes the souls of your ancestors who have passed on and the souls of those who are yet to be born. In a sense you are a bead on a thread that extends backwards to the first man and forwards ad-infinitum This sort of thinking, which was at one time very prominent in Europe and North America (dt/ christian veneration of the 'saints' and respect for 'life') has more or less vanished from those continents. Replaced with liberal atheism. We have no respect for the earth, because we don't really own our land, our culture, and out traditions are almost completely unknown to us, and if I want to experience pieces of my culture they have been commercialized (hipster Schnitzel & poutine restaurants). What's left is under attack, our institutions (the nuclear family, the church, etc) have been eroded by easy access to divorce, and the widespread promotion of degeneracy by the media. Lately I'm ashamed to say that I've felt some sort of longing for a connection to my ancestors, but if I ever express that; well I guess I'm a soykaflord. I guess the farther I look back the more it really fills me with sadness, there was a serf somewhere maybe the first one to carry my name that envisioned something great for his lineage. And I wonder what he'd think now? I believe this is why many people turn to meme idiologies like 'white and black nationalism' they are searching for some kind of connection to some idealized racial past ('we wuz kangz' or 'white people built civilization') instead of looking back at their own lineage. Probably something to do with a lack of father figures. How do you connect with your ancestry and your traditions in a meaningful respectful way without being perceived as a racist? This kinda turned into a rant. But that's what this thread is for. I hope you have a good time doing peyote in the desert.

I can't look at this world. All the people around me seem insane. This world seems insane. Wars, taxes, alcohol, drugs, people fighting over petty things etc. It all makes me feel that the world is simply broken. I have two feelings in my soul. One that tells me to accept it and embrace this absurd. And the one that tells me to fight it. I can't deal with this chaos so I want to fight with it but I have no idea how. I'll probably figure it out someday but I don't know when. You may ask: why do you want to do this? It's pointless. I want to fight with it because I have a really strange feeling that I HAVE to do it. It feels like I was born into this world only to change it. But it seems impossible. It all makes me feel like my very soul is being torn apart. Sorry for all the grammar mistakes if there were any. I'm not a native speaker.

>>1705 Watch taxi_driver ASAP, or rewatch it, dont care. You felt a little like trevor to me in your post

>>1703 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freetown_Christiania This is one of the closest things I've found to an attempt at forming a close community one can feel part of that doesn't rely on ridiculous spiritualism to function. The right-wing liberal globalist culture homogenizer can destroy anyone's connection with land or community when it processes their culture in with its commercialization mechanism. So I can't see something like this being able to survive in places like the USA especially, ignoring the fact the FBI would go in and kill everyone. >How do you connect with your ancestry and your traditions in a meaningful respectful way without being perceived as a racist? There is no need to, why can't you just build your own culture with the community around you. You don't need to believe your ancestors emerged on the earth from "the spiritual plane" or "wuz descended from kangz" to feel connected in a meaningful way with others. The way genetic ancestors of yours would have developed culture is no more significant than you building culture with the people around you. The only difference is that one is older. I think a country like Malaysia declared everyone to be Malaysian and built their culture up on that to deal with racial issues, see 1Malaysia. It might not be exactly what I mean, but it captures the idea being put in practice.. Too often there are problems where one racial group feels oppressed from expressing their culture and another feels like they have no culture, when they could just build racial harmony and have shared culture.

>>1703 >2017 >being worried about being considered racist Don't let the neolib + progressivist sheeple alliance control you with their buzzwords. Caring about continuing the legacy of your ancestors is perfectly natural and can be a very positive force in your life.

>>1709 I'm more worried about the neocon-neolib "buzzphrases" like "nothing to hide nothing to fear", "trans-* partnership agreement", "that's your worldview, this is mine" (in response to being presented with reliable evidence contradicting their claims) and "it's to keep murrica safe from the bad guys".

>>1707 >>1705 Although you are powerless to affect the world, you have the power to meaningfully change the lives of those around you for the better; even if only for a little while. Watch Ikiru instead, Taxi Driver is a cautionary tale, remember.

>>1710 This is a good thing to be worried about, to be sure. The system uses the terrorism it manufactured as an excuse to take away all your freedom. I worry about those that enable them by targeting free speech against such actions too, of course, but the neo* alliance should probably be targeted top-down as well as bottom-up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

IT fuarrrkING HURTS but.. I chose this im retarded aren't I? or is only my ego wounded? I think the ego doesn't enjoy this, but the ego is not the boss, he is an important module.

>>1714 *hugs*

With every life failure I truly become stronger and I know now I have nothing to fear except dying. Ive never broke down, I always see myself as some kind of suicidal mess but in fact im the strongest person i know. Il be tested again ane again and always make it out just a little bit better then before. Im trying to think of what could truly break me at the moment. I think if I was forced into a tight space naked and someone poured maggots or grubs on me i might flip out and break down. the very idea is horrifying. if ALL of my family died speciifcally my aunt and uncle grandma and mom I might break down. Im not stable enough to 100% support myself yet, but it might just make me learn quicker. Side note: ive developed a fear of turning lights off? I can go out at night and far enjoy the night to day. But its hard for me to sleep now if the lights are off. My mom pointed out that the minute it gets dark I turn my light on. I didnt notice. I worry about getting sad in a dimly lit room. I feel like something big is about to happen. Even as im typing this I have that feeling of someone who will wake up in the morning to get on a plane. Which I was just painfully reminded now of a train trip I went on with a girl I liked very much. She shared her gum with me and other things, when we got to the house we were staying at she got sick it was a terrible time. I miss going places with her. I havent had fun like that since. I want to cry but im not going to. I wonder if we will ever start talking again, or if il have to live with the best friendship I ever had ending because of almost nothing. In the end il be okay though because im always okay, I cant be broken as far as I know. But im going to cry anyways because I think it might be good for me.

>>1711 >>1707 I'll consider watching both, thanks. I know I will find a way to somehow change the world, at least a little bit of it but I don't know when. Until then my soul will have to exist in a state of being torn apart.

>>1713 wow same

Another friend committed suicide, in a fairly gruesome manner. Probably worse for whoever found him than for him (cops maybe?) but at least he texted a warning with a location to find the body. Sounds like it was quick at least. This is all second and third hand, I was thousands of miles away. I keep thinking of various people with the thought "shoulda been them instead".

I saved my friend from her mom who was, from what I was told a drunk that doesn't accept that shes homosexual. I open my arms to her so she could have a place to stay and she doesn't do soykaf... I have to constantly tell her to do soykaf all the time and I have to finish the few things she does start. I do like her, but if she doesn't start getting her act together I might kick her out, but I'm afraid of what her mother would do...

>>1719 Damn, I'm sorry to hear this anon. Was that friend very important to you?

>>1721 I knew him mostly by long distance but have been trying to console friends who knew him better. No one ever had a bad word to say about him when he was still alive, so the whole thing where everyone turns you into a saint when you die, is valid in this case. I didn't even know how big of a positive impact he was considered to have in his hometown until I read the news from there after his death. As for me and him, mostly we ran a website together with some others a few years ago, then both resigned our posts but stayed on as members. Some of the people there have NO FRIENDS at all offline so they're all in shock. It's awful.

>>1723 Damn, that really is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Does anyone know why did he commit suicide?

>>1724 He considered it for years. He was bipolar and an alcoholic, the drinking being far worse than most of us knew. In fact someone only mentioned it to me right before the end as being something we might worry about. I think it was just a matter of time.

>>1725 That really sounds awful. Hope everything will be alright anon.

>>1720 >that doesn't accept that shes homosexual. >doesnt accept It sounds to me like mother was heavily depressed and is coping with alchoholism Probably said to her daughter how she is sad by her daughter not having offspring. Her "not accepting" homosexuality of her daughter probably has nothing to with "saving her". In my eyes it seems like she is lazy millenial who doesn't want to get a job Her mother was probably nagging her to get a job or get a bf (for grandkids). To me it seems like she was using you as emotional landfill, talking her frustrations to you and you took the bait. She isn't a victim of household abuse, but whiny self entitlement.

I don't even know where do I start because I can't express the way I feel. So this isn't going to make a lot of sense but I just need to vent my feelings. Firstly, I am starting to develop a hatred for everyone (incuding my family members, maybe except my mom and two or three other people) for no apparent reason. I do feel normal sometimes but these bursts of hatred for everyone have been becoming common. Maybe they tell me something about my life which I don't want to here and that pisses me off. I don't know. So anyways, this makes me feel like I am a terrible person and a jealous looser. Secondly, I don't feel like doing anything. Like I don't even feel like watching a movie, it seems too much of a pain to do so. I just lie around all day with my laptop and browse imageboards. Also whenever I am home alone I masturbate a lot and I mean A LOT. Sometimes I fap even if it hurts. I would spend hours just finding porn and fapping. Lastly, I have a pretty bad stammer (which is growing worse) and also have trichotillomania (for which my parents scold me a lot). Sometimes it physically hurts to speak because of the fuarrrking stammer. All of this coupled with other stuff like my parents fighting over the pettiest issues is totally frying my brain up. So there it is. I just let it all out. It may not make any sense to a lot of people but that's okay I guess. Also English is not my native language so forgive me If I had made any errors. Hope you have a great day!

>>1728 I understand you. I used to have random bursts of hatred for all mankind. It kinda ended by itself, at least in my case but it did feel really awful because I would cry because of this anger. It was quite problematic because I was 14 at that time and these random bursts of hatred happened mostly at school. Anyway, don't feel bad because of it because it really isn't your fault. It should stop someday anyway. About your second problem, I used to have that too (except the masturbation part). Try to find some new hobby. You can play some cool games. You may want to watch some anime. Maybe read something. And maybe try to do no-fap, at least for one day. I can't really help you with stammer or trichotillomania because I never experienced it. Maybe try to find a specialist. And forgive me for any mistakes because I'm not a native speaker too. I hope I helped you at least a little bit. Don't give up and do your best!

>>1727 Nothing Lain said implied any of that. Well, except her being lazy.

Lately she's been invading my dreams. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to contact her, but I know she's not going to respond. I don't even know why I still love her. I just do. I miss talking to her. I want to keep dreaming about her even though it hurts me. It's the only way I can be close to her.

>>1730 the >she is lazy and >"doesn't accept" paint a crude picture of his "friend". Her mother "not accepting her sexuality" isn't abuse. It's part of life for people not to accept who you are. If that is biggest whiny comment (he could have said she hits her or that she kicked her out, but he didn't) then its a pretty tame one. It's on par to some whiny bitch crying to her friends about how her life is hard because her mom questions her daughters sexuality when she's drunk because she wants grandkids and is pretty depressed about it. That's the kind of picture being painted here in my mind. I would like that the lain in question comes back to either confirm my hypothesis or just to say that I am wrong because by the looks of it he seems like a kind hearted gullible idiot. Seems like my hypothesis is right since his comment is open ended question of sorts (a lot of ellipses and being indecisive) which makes my inference of him being a doormat and emotional landfill for others a good one. People who are usually indecisive end up as that. Either that or pushovers and manipulated puppets. Probably he manipulated him into sleeping at him?

>>1732 >Probably he manipulated him into sleeping at him? she*

>>1732 >>1733 Also, I wonder if she is this kind of person: >wearing teared up jeans >having piercings (on face?) >dyed hair

I'm not sure what I need from friendship. I don't like to feel alone. Want somebody to work with and just have them stick by me without them leaving for somebody else.

>>1732 Yeah, if she wasn't being kicked out then she has a lot going for her that many male homosexuals wouldn't. The fact that she "doesn't do soykaf" implies that she doesn't really do anything to help out at her own house. From experience, people who have been forced to do excessive housework for an abusive parent will almost certainly help out around the house for people that treat them well. So she had a place to stay where she likely didn't have to do anything and wasn't being beaten as far as we know, but this lainon has to feel guilty about her apparently because vagina.

>>1734 this is what he was trying to point out. you already have this image in your mind about what kind of person she is, any help you can give is massively skewed towards this idea. There was only what, 3 sentences, and you are acting like you already know who this person is. A stereotype of an sjw millenial. All from the fact that she is homosexual and is lazy. That is all you know. Yet you outright deny the possibility that the mom is abusive, even though there is way more evidence for that in 3 sentences then anything you just said. >is a drunk >isnt accepting of her being homosexual >anon, the person who posted it, has some kind of reason to be afraid of what the mom might do you aren't giving him very much credit, assuming that he wouldn't be able to tell if she is just some whiny bitch.

>>1736 I call that pussy life discount The guy is obviously a doormat beta orbiter

>>1737 I already tackled all those points on >>1732 He could have said some serious abuse, but didnt. He just said "doesnt accept". Do you need to be accepted or its abuse? Icertainly am not accepted for my personality.

I want to change my life but I don't know in what way. I'd like to gain some new knowledge but I don't know what I want to know. I'd like to change my appearance but I don't know how I want to look like. I'd like to do something but I don't know what. Scio me nihil scire, I guess. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even know how to know what I want. I just don't know.

>>1734 I wonder if you are this kind of person: > prescripton sunglasses > goattee or some other selective shaving > pasty complexion > works with computers but "deserves" better job > cheetos stain on penis

>>1739 You can't "Tackle" those points because there is nothing to tackle without making a fuarrrk load of assumptions. That isn't tackling thats pretending you know more about someone from 3 lines online then the person who wrote those 3 lines and actually knows the person in real life knows. He doesn't have to say anything if he knew about further abuse. Not everyone is a carbon copy of you, just because if there was actual abuse you would tell everyone about it online doesnt mean he wants to go into details about specific incidents he noticed the mom seemjng abusive, or specific stories he told. The fact that you see them as points to tackle already proves you have little interest in helping the poster and more on projecting some stereotype onto this person and being correct in your countless assumptions.

>>1741 4 out of 5 See? My technique works

>>1742 You are completely right around just one thing I don't really care about that person I just wonder if my assumptions were correct

>>1744 This is not how you demonstrate how you don't care about something. >>1743 Which one was wrong? Can't afford the glasses? Demand a raise.

>>1745 How do I demonstrate that tho? Its not cheetos btw

>>1745 PS Love your resentment towards me throwing assumptions around Seems to me like you took this personaly Gay yourself? Sexual frustrations because human doormat?

>>1747 >>1746 I'm not the guy who posted about his friend, I'm just sick of idiots overrunning this site recently with petty drama. Did you seriously just try to use "gay" as an insult? Case in point. If you don't care about something you ignore it. Something about his predicament obviously struck a nerve with you. Self loathing closet case would be my guess. Come on, own it and be proud. It's 2017 you know, nothing to be ashamed of.

>>1748 Oh please This site is soykaf even without all the jerks like me Also, nice touch on trying to use the gay insult back at me But seriously, for someone to care this much about jerks over the internet, you have some issues buddy

>>1715 Thanks bro.

>>1434 To most people I look reasonably healthy and handsome. On the outside, most I interact with think I'm a normal dude doing pretty well, although I could be doing better which I am working on. Every day I wake up, I wonder if any effort I put into myself will give me the strength to live, to endure, to overcome and to thrive. I feel like if I give in, I let "them" win, whereas if I keep fighting "they" will win anyways, and I'm still coming to the terms that I need to keep fighting, hell at least for my own sake. I think about relocating to rural parts of the United States, far from urban areas and other high density population environments. I'm reclusive by nature, and a living space like that would be ideal. But it keeps coming back to the point that won't stop bothering me: I am running away. My limbs are very flexible, but they get manipulated easily. I popped out my shoulder a few weeks ago training, and it seems like I get injured every few months. My family had belt promotions, while I was away doing work. Although I understand what it means to be an adult, the dissatisfaction and frustration of seeing everyone move forward while I stay stagnant bothered me deeply. Knowing something happening certainly doesn't have the same effect of walking in to the gym and seeing everyone with new Gi's, belts or stripes, and then kicking your ass because they're fully rested and have superior training at night classes. It's fine, because I will keep fighting for my ability to be with them. And I will keep going, even if means that my entire body breaks apart.

>>1434 >>1755 Whoops, posted incorrectly. Yeah I feel the same way. With the exception of my counselor and a few select people in my close circle, I really like certain anonymous posters. Unfortunately with the influx of really annoying people, a lot of them are gone and I miss them.

>>1751 OMG not issues :( ...from the guy obsessed with some lazy, possibly disturbed woman he's never met but whom some other guy mentioned on an imageboard several days ago You're deep down the rabbit hole, girlfriend. The closet case comment struck a nerve I see :)

>>1720 It always suck to feel taken advantage of by someone who won't do their fair share after you've made an effort for them. It may just be hard for her to adjust. Perhaps establishing a solid list of rules for her to follow would help. >>1741 > cheetos stain on penis I'm using that insult. Thanks, lain.

>>1757 >obsessed Not really Just said my assumptions and my angle of seeing his post.

>>1757 too emotionally invested fam

>>1765 I just enjoy calling out idiots when I see them. Did I hurt your feelings? :)

>>1766 The cheetos crack was a bit low, you didn't have to go there.

I feel so lost and unhappy, but I don't want people to know. I am really struggling with motivation, sometimes I'll just sit there knowing that I could be doing so many things, but I'm not really doing anything really. when I get myself to start watching, playing, reading, coding anything, my mood usually changes and I'm kind of happy, but just getting started doing something feels so hard. Not long ago I hadn't had a problem with getting up in the morning and going to work, but even that has started to get a problem.

>>1766 too emotionally invested fam chill out

>>1768 This soykaf happens to me as well. There's a lot of things that I would like to do, but for some reason I don't. I spend my time doing other soykaf.

well fug.. what a fuarking month ,i´m concern about the things my mother said because most of them were true... "mah son ,this year you´ll turn 21 and you dont have a brother or sister, friends neither girlfriend, what if i die? you are alone". then an uncle die ,we even live in the same house but i didn´t felt nothing, just like a cousin that was like "the big bro" who died the last year. i still being dumb whit relations specially with persons of my age (old people and kids are easier to me). some mates fear me, others just talk soykaf about me... behind my back ,at the least i have two "friends" also there is a girl,we have a normal relation so i would like she considers me as a friend. tbh is "muh kind of gurl" i´m doing my best every day.

>>1792 D-d-do you have any hobbies anon? I-i know p-people o-often st-start w-with this b-but i-its a g-good way to c-c-connect w-with p-people. G-go t-to the gym a-at night i-if y-y-you c-can, q-quiet h-hour; w-working out helps y-y-you b-build confidence a-anon.

I'am afraid i've been developing some serious mental problems. Since highschool I've had a lack of trust in people. In my head most people seem to be unkind to me. My friends, my teachers and also my family at some point, the last six months for 80% of the time I have the idea they plot against me and just simply don't like me. It probably sounds pretty stupid but the problem is I keep getting more of these thaughts until the point that I question all the things that are said to me. I don't believe it when people show good intentions anymore and always think there is something behind it. I was always very open to my group of friends and told them most of the things that bothered me, I did this even when I lacked trust in their intentions because sometimes I just had to take it off my mind but now for atleast 6 months I seem to avoid talking about it because I'am afraid people will use it against me. I keep trying my best to think all of this is very unlikely and I'am just being way to paranoid but it is getting harder every day for me to keep thinking rational and keeping the paranoid thaught out of my head. If I try my hardest to think rational about it I would say "People don't go plot against someone for fun" but it even becomes hard for me to verify the truth of that. I'am very bad at socializing which also is something that can be the cause of this because I just feel out of touch with the ways people react to eachother and act amongst eachother. My post probably seems a bit chaotic and maybe I made some typos but I just wanted to get this out of my mind and maybe get some feedback or confirmation.

>>1793 Thanks. i usually read ,but the gym sounds good I'm flat and weak it could help to gain muscle.

>>1794 As a kid I used to always believe my food was poisoned. I would think, whats to stop some fast food worker from just putting poison in the food and killing thousands. My mom said why would he do that and Id think there is people like that out there he just might. Eventually I even started to worry my family was poisoning my food. Id wait for everyone to start eating first and then id eat. Every dinner id think this might be my last. I got over it by accepting I could die at any time, and will die eventually. My symptoms could have been described as some of the worst disorders out there, im sure if they took me to a psychiatrist they would have said I am disturbed or something. In reality I was just scared of dying, that was what caused the paranoia. Remember that if you go into a conversation with the assumption they don't like you, they will probably end up being pretty cold because they will sense your distrust. Beyond that though what exactly is it you are insecure and afraid of? If they don't like you there is no way you can actively change that. You just have to be the best you can be, if they don't like that its on them. What kind of plots do you see them planning that could actually ruin you? I think before assuming you have mental problems assune there is something you are scared of. Paranoia is usually something you feel in a dangerous situation. There must be some sort of pervasive fear you have that makes you feel like you are in constant danger, that at any moment everything could be taken away from you. Maybe some sort of deep insecurity you never addressed. Im not trying to be armchair psychologist, but I do notice a lot of the people who are worried about memtal problems really are just deeply insecure about something and addressing that insecurity can be such a task it would be a lot easier if it could be fixed with medication or a special kind of therapy.

I don't know why everything has been so hard lately. I'm 25 and the last time I felt this inept and weak was when i was a teenager. I felt like such a loser today because on my lunch break I was driving around and I just randomly started tearing up.

>>1799 I used to be able to just enjoy myself around them and conversation where interesting but it goes a bit dull since a few weeks which makes it worse. The thing I'm afraid to lose are my friends, I never had a large group of friends and at the moment it feels like I could lose them all so fast, but what friends are they if they don't like to hang around with me. When I say plots I actually mean something like only keeping me around to make fun of, you're right about the insecurities probably I'm trying to fight them but only with little succes because I don't have anything going for me at the moment and feel uninteresting all the time.

I live with my mom and sister, who's in her late 30s, and my sisters family. I should clarify, she and I live with my mom but she has a family as well (husband, and offspring). I noticed this year that every time I'm around my sister's family they never acknowledge me. Not so much as a "hey anon" or a "how ya doing". Nothing. I'm getting sick of it. Whenever they have dinner I have to listen to them having the time of their lives while I'm in my room studying or doing whatever. They've never invited me to eat dinner with them before. They act like I don't exist. Part of me thinks they view themselves as their own family unit and me and my mother as outsiders. I get it , they do have kids and are married but wtf, we still live together. It's not like it's their house and I really am an outsider. I also notice at times they get quiet when I'm around. Today, for example, I came back from the market while they were having dinner. As I entered I notice they weren't talking, and my sister's husband doesn't bother looking up from his food at me, nor does some of their other kids. I make it a point to look at them to see if maybe by some divine miracle, today they'll say hi to me. Nope. I start putting my stuff away and they go ahead and continue their conversation as if I'm not there. It's awkward as fuarrrk, especially since I never noticed before and would always be the one to initiate conversation with them. Conversing with their kids always felt like pulling teeth, I'd try to ask about how's school or anything but they would give really short answers. Same with sister's husband. Recently I decided that I won't be the one to greet them first anymore, to see how long it takes for them to acknowledge me. I've probably gotten greeted by anyone other than my sister once in the past six months, without me initiating. I don't want to be like that lainons, especially since I was close to my sister growing up. Once I stopped looking at them through rose colored lenses and seen how they really are it changed my feelings towards them. I really want to get along with them and I don't want to harbor animosity towards family but I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong here when I've lived here my whole life. TL;DR I live with my mom and sisters family, at Mom's house. Sister's family acts like I am some outsider to their own "unit" and never acknowledges/greets me when I'm around, unless I initiate. Stopped initiating and they haven't initiated. It irritates me but I don't want to hold a grudge with family.

>>1805 a-a-assuming y-you're u-under t-t-twenty-five a-and n-not a t-t-total n-neet; i-i'd s-s-say th-that y-your s-sister i-is a-absorbed with h-her h-husband a-and k-kids; th-then i-i th-think y-you a-and her sh-sh-should f-f-find a w-way to t-talk ab-about it. D-don't let th-this b-build i-into s-s-something worse a-anon. S-s-small th-things c-c-can b-b-be v-v-very b-b-big v-v-very s-s-soon.

I think i'm very untrustworthy. A shady character, and a coward. But i'm not sure if im being too harsh on myself. I just have some questions. If I were to say that you can relate very well with someone but not like them because you can't "get anything" out of the relationship would you understand where im coming from? I don't mean anything material, I just mean you won't ever be a better person hanging out with them. Is that smart to not see them as a friend even if they see you as one, or is it being greedy. If someone else came up, someone you admired much more and felt closer to, would you leave your current friends for them? Is that okay? Deep down a lot of the things I want have to do with people. I want people I can depend on that I enjoy being around and that make me better and test me. Thats a goal I have deep down, even if I wouldn't want to admit it. So am I really any different from someone who would cross their friends over money or a job or anything? Those are their goals, in the same way a better relationship is mine. I'd leave any of my current friends in a heartbeat to make a few friends I lost come back. If that was a trade i'd do it. I'd leave them all just for one or two people I really like. I'ts something internal. I get this idea "If I died with this person right now, would I be happy". Usually the answer is no, maybe just a few people i'd really feel good about it. I also every now and then just get waves of intense feelings of being trapped, as if im stuck in this relationship I developed. This used to paralyze me from forming relationships, they all felt like something i'd get stuck in. However now I just leave as I see fit. Is that wrong? I can leave anyone at any time, it feels good and confidence boosting to me, but what about those i'm leaving behind.

I'm just tired of things man. Roommate started dating the girl I liked while I was out of town. I let him know that I had planned to ask her out but wasn't mad at him, things are just kinda awkward now. He's having her over tonight and at least let me know ahead of time, so basically I'm just going to not be home today at all to avoid them. I've accepted the situation, it still just feels soykafty and I have a more general despair about life. I thought things were gonna go really well for me, instead I'm in this situation. "Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile..." and all that. I've been spending money on myself more than I ever have. Buying new clothes and stuff because I'm tired of dressing like garbage. I bought expensive sunglasses, and I also got my first tattoo. I'm trying to improve myself. Losing weight is going okay, lost almost 30 pounds in a year and a half. On week 3 of new excersize routine. Gonna be buying more clothes soon and getting a new haircut at an expensive place, hopefully it looks good I think I'm doing all this to convince myself that I'm dateable and cool but whatever. No one notices. I'm just throwing money away in hopes it'll help someone find me attractive. I'm supposed to be doing coding projects in my free time, but after work and everything else I just am too drained. It is like kicking dead whales down the beach.

>>1810 I kinda get what you mean. I might be guilty of that kind of behavior sometimes, but I kinda just have few friends to begin with. I've definitely just completely dropped friendships before, but that was more because I didn't really like them, honestly

>>1805 you should sit down one on one with your sister and talk about this soykaf. I'd be willing to put money on them/her not realizing what they are doing and your egocentric worldview is associating their/her acts as a direct result of you. Either way talk about it, it seems it's pissing you off way more than it would if this was a new thing and bottling anger up pretty much just creates more anger.

>>1809 Thanks for the advice lainon. >>1814 Thanks lainon, and I would agree with you, I highly doubt they know how I feel about how they act, I haven't said a word to them or my sister about it before. I will say I am skeptical about talking to my sister about how I feel because it seems her husband was, unfortunately, raised that way and in turn they're raising the kids that way. When my girlfriend is over she gets the same treatment, and last time my grandma and aunt were here, it took my aunt going into the kids' room for them to say hi to her and grandma. I appreciate your advice either way and will weight the pros and cons of bringing it up to my sister.

>>1812 That's horrible. Did your roommate know you planned to ask her out before or after he asked her out? Good on you for choosing to improve yourself with new clothes and losing weight. I'm sure the haircut will be cool. As long as you like it, it will improve your self confidence, which will in turn help your dating life. Hang in there and keep up the good work.

>>1816 No, I don't think he did. He mentioned that he had gone out on a date with her for a completely different reason, and he mentioned that one of our mutual friends asked him if I was also interested in her. I interrupted him and said basically that yes, I was, and if he hadn't told me, I would have asked her out like the next time I saw her. He seemed a little surprised by this, so I think he honestly didn't know. But yeah, it still really is like kicking dead whales down the beach. Not only is she dating, she's dating the person I hang out with most of the time and also live with. Not a great situation. But yeah, thanks, I think at least trying to improve myself is good progress, I'm trying my best to keep at it. I pretty much hate my hair as it is now, so getting it cut differently can't hurt too much I suppose

>>1817 >is like kicking dead whales down the beach That's... either a new word filter or I just haven't been paying attention S u c k s

I've been getting more and more sick and tired of the Tankie and Ancap tards that spout all the time, that was when I realized that I've been visiting political dribble sites all the time lately (/leftypol/ is still ok, I am a Ancom btw). I recently lost my energy of /g/ and /tech/ due to the nonfat-soykaf drinkers using windows and crap along with no good thread discussions recently. I'm sick and tired of countless repeated arguments and fallacies thrown everywhere on the political section of the boards. I know I need to finish my college work for this week online and recently I've stopped working on it to browse stupid chans all the time causing me to become extremely cynical about everything. I need to get back to doing more productive hobbies like finishing reading that Python and C book I was pushing off. I need to find something more productive. I haven't visited /sci/ in a long time, maybe something may catch my interests. I should be reading more on things that are actually useful and entertaining not getting angry over Sophists. This condensed summer class is also getting in my head, the class isn't that bad but the format makes me think I am in Highschool again and it's repetitious as fuarrrk. I need a 3.5 gpa in order to transfer to a university in the next year and I need to complete alot more classes then I thought in this community college. I hate the college because of how much corporate dick they suck, how fuarrrking expensive their books are and how much they use proprietary software (one of the reasons why I am not aiming for a comp sci but a phyiscs degree.). I am getting more fatigued the more the class goes on and my insane dribble on the chans continue. I really need some creative spark or something but I'm not sure where to find it. I guees that got some things off of my chest. That said I'm going to take a nap.