Let it all Out

What has been bothering you lately, lain? What are you feeling? Don't hold it any more lain, let it all out.

Everything. It seems maximalist (or reductionist?), but that's the point. People can't discuss anymore without going very reductionist and I feel again as a teenager, where my lips move but nobody can hear what I'm saying. ps. I'm drunk.

I have been feeling a lot of guilt lately for not living up to my parent's expectations. I have turned inot a useless peice of soykaf with no motivation and purpose. I am in Uni currently and was barely able to pass the endsems. What pains me are not marks, but that I didn't even give it a serious try. I feel so helpless and devoid of motivation to do anything. I am interested in programming. I promise myself to learn something but never pursue those plans. I even downloaded a book on self-discipline in 10 days which some anon posted but haven't even opened it yet. I just sit infront of my laptop whole day doing nothing. This whole feeling is like kicking dead whales down the beach but I can't get my act together.

I can't stop thinking about suicide.

Gonna let out, hope this is therapeutic. This is kinda the abridged version TBH. I've been mostly an internet recluse since I was a preteen. I realise that while I thought I had a lot of friends, throughout year 10, I began to fake sick a lot, and in year 11 and 12, I just started casually wagging, until I stopped going altogether. None of them ever bothered to really ask if anything was up when I was there. I was in some of their classes, didn't they notice? Then half of them apparently graduated and went to some uni off in another city. I just feel like they could have cared a bit more, even if it were after the fact, like a year later. Now I just feel like a subhuman, I didn't graduate year 12, I'm a lesser. I feel like I'm missing out because I never got to go to a formal too. I sometimes like to imagine they just thought I killed myself, and didn't want to find out for sure, I find this pleasant to think of over other possibilities. I kind of resent them, and I'm not sure if it's reasonable. I try to channel it into resenting the world in general instead. I was trying to chat up one of those old friends via social media, a boy, who's still in the same city, since I think he used to be into me, and I'm like, this is a pointless endeavor. It just makes me feel more worthless, he drinks beer and has friends, has a job and goes to an actual university and studies for his tests. I talk some and it's like he really doesn't know I didn't graduate. I try ask him to meet up, and he apparently can't spare any time because he's studying so hard, rub it in will you. I want my post to end on a positive note though, so here's a picture of Harvey Beaks, and an optional virtual hug :)

>>92 Apparently no pictures I guess? So here's a picture of Harvey Beaks https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/badseeds/images/7/7b/HarveyBigArt.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250

>>92 Not sure if it will make you feel better, but you must understand that "school - uni - job - marriage - kids - house" path these people take is often not of their own will, just cultural inertia and social pressure. People do it just because "it must be done". You can still live a more peaceful life then they, a lot more self-aware too. State of your mind is important.

>>87 Don't listen to this >>89 glitterboy lain. Every life is valuable. Maybe follow your hobbies. Also I recommend you go meet a therapist. Stay safe and Happy

>>94 I realized long ago that if I were to follow this average path, I'd live a life of misery. So now I'm stuck being mistreated by those who expect this from me. Gonna lock myself away for the remaining time I have alive and hope for peace.

>>97 Are you me?

>>98 I feel less alone now, thanks.

>>100 My goal is to live a simplistic livestyle (everything I need besides food & shelter is on my computer anyway) and save as much as I can so I can retire early and live out my days in peace and study and work on things I want to work on. Key points in the plan is don't drink, smoke or do drugs (lowers mental capacity you will want in the future and burns cash with no benefits). Don't get involved with women (time and money sink and potentially dangerous). Obviously don't get married or have kids. I plan to never drive, I want to only work local and cycle everywhere thereby saving money and reducing harm on the environment. Track all money in and out, I assume everyone on Lainchan is into tech and programming so you can have fun with it, we likely all enjoy stats and figures, make some nice graphs and stuff, maybe apply some AI fun to it. I want to live in tiny comfy residences. Saves money on the price, the electricity bills, the heating, cleaning etc. and I prefer it anyway, comfy is best. Also means people can't stay over (I don't know if you dislike people as much as me or not). I think "going out" is massively wasteful, which basically eliminates most "friends" you might have (at least in my country all people do is go out and drink) which frees up time and means you don't have unneeded social interactions. Spend as little as possible, don't buy soykaf you don't need, should be obvious but people don't seem to be following it.

I feel that mankind is fuarrrked. Rationality isn't strong enough to guide our species: cause logic delivers to only one truth, the only possible explanation for the existance of different theories on scientific issues is that people, scientists included, are widely more influenced by their psicology and early-life conditioning than by rationality. Intellectuals are usually only individuals who are very good at arguing their own, illogical, incounscious-derived convictions.

I don't feel anything and it's fuarrrking with me massively.

It's very hard to focus on something that requires more than surface-level thinking. I have Calculus and Economics exams coming up in two weeks, and I really don't know what I can do besides get enough sleep to help it. Any ideas?

i've meet with a boy today. We were into each other for at least two years, but mostly talked through internet, because there was no way for us to meet properly, even though we are from the same city. We sat next to each other, silent, for at least 30 minutes, not even moving a limb until i got up, excused myself and politely walked out of his house. I couldn't bring myself to touch him nor maintain an eye contact. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how he feels about it, because he doesn't want to tell me. I want someone comment that, so i can move on with it.

>>105 Stop watching porn and masturbating.

>>85 It sounds like you aren't really committed to programming, or you have some other unresolved thing bothering you. Get your priorities straight. Address other things or at the least acknowledge that you'll do them later. If study is really that important to you then set a time to study and when the time comes, do it without delay or distraction.

My boyfriend won't have sex with me even though he said he wanted to. I know it's crazy but I just keep thinking there is something wrong with me. He'll do lewd things to me, but not with me.

>>118 Maybe he is ashamed/embarassed of something? Do you think he has a small penis?