It's 6AM again, just crashed after another night of having done basically nothing because I've reached a dead end in life. This all started last summer when I moved back to my parents after staying with my girlfriend, who lives abroad, for several months.
Everything took a turn for the worse when we found out she's pregnant, I tried my best to convince her to get an IUD but to no avail because "it would hurt so much". An abortion was also out of question because "I do not wanna kill my baby", despite us knowing too well we couldn't take care of ourselves let alone a child.
Anyway, upon my return to my parents I immediately got back into programming, the only hope I had for becoming employable within 9 months. It started out well, I did courses, a bit of amphetamine on a daily basis, even got a remote job offered to me in December.
Everything was going smooth so far, and I even landed an interview for a real job in January. I was so close to getting a hold of my dream career.
At the final interview, I got rejected. My remote job was put on stand-by due to a lack of management. I gave up almost entirely and by the time my daughter was born, my girlfriend could no longer manage being alone so I moved in with her permanently.
I've been a parent for 6 months now and it feels like our daughter gets more demanding each day. I cannot focus on anything anymore, I'm stuck without a job, higher education and work experience in a foreign country with people speaking a language I do not understand.
I'm pretty much on the verge of killing myself, I love my girlfriend a lot but this is not what I signed up for. I'm stuck at home all day, wasting the best years of my life because my autism is just severe enough for me to be intolerable to others, while appearing like a normal person therefore not being taken seriously by anyone aware of my condition.
I want to recover, yet I cannot imagine being able to ever grow as a person without amphetamine. Without it I'm just as stuck as a rat in a cage.